1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:13,000 This programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:16,520 Told you he wouldn't be here. 3 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,360 He said he'll be here, so he'll be here. 4 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,200 Will we go wait in the bar? 5 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:24,280 Hospitals don't have bars. 6 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,640 Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,440 That reminds me. Siobhan's having her first baby scan today. 8 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,560 I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow. 9 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,920 See you in the morning. 10 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,520 Just come on, Jocks, pick up your phone. 11 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:39,560 Come on. 12 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,200 I can't help thinking there was something important 13 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,840 I was supposed to be doing today. 14 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:57,000 Aye, no, but if it was important, you'd remember it. That's true. 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,760 Got to trust your brain. That's what it's there for. 16 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,560 Are you sure this is a good idea? 17 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,720 Yeah, just trust me, OK? Cops don't lock. 18 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,880 Have you just made that up? 19 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,680 Yeah, but it's true, like. 20 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,760 Guards never lock their bikes because they think 21 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,400 there's no-one stupid enough to steal a Garda bike. 22 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,400 Except us. Exactly! 23 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,760 All right, on three. One... No, wait, wait, wait, wait. 24 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,000 I was thinking - the main mistake people make 25 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,560 when robbing stuff out in the open is that they move too quickly 26 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,960 and they look really dodgy, so let's just move really slowly, 27 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,640 then nobody will even notice us. Yeah, good thinking. 28 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,720 The last thing we want to do is look dodgy. 29 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,040 I know what you're thinking. 30 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,960 How did two seemingly normal-looking fellows like myself 31 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,400 and Jock think up amazingly clever ideas such as this one? 32 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,280 Well, it just comes second nature to us. 33 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,120 We can think without even thinking about it. 34 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,040 This one's Healy's. 35 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,320 Oh, bags that one! 36 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,320 Fuck. 37 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,080 Jock, this one's locked. 38 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,320 That's strange. This one's locked too. 39 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,400 Cops DO lock, Jock! 40 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:51,960 Conor. What? 41 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,280 Stop moving slowly. 42 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:56,320 Hey! 43 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,400 Stop that! 44 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,080 Stop that! Stop! 45 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,840 Stop, you little...! 46 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,920 What's your address? We'll drop them back later. 47 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,280 You fucking pricks! 48 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,000 Stop, you're under arrest! 49 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,840 57 Beechwood Drive. 50 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,920 Gardai! Stop, you're under arrest! 51 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,200 Give it up, boys. 52 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,360 Excuse me, sorry, get out of the way. 53 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:27,400 Sorry, coming through! 54 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,040 Oh, look, there's a sale on here! Yeah, I noticed. 55 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,800 Excuse me, coming through. Sorry! 56 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,560 Stop! You're under arrest! 57 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,720 Please excuse me! Watch it, you shite! 58 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,920 I don't like small spaces. 59 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,840 Well, then, think of the prison cell you'll be in if you don't move now! 60 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:56,880 Gardai! 61 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,120 I still can't help thinking 62 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,440 there's something I'm supposed to be doing today. 63 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,800 Sorry I'm late. Is Jock not with you? 64 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,560 No, is he not here? 65 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:18,600 Fuck's sake. 66 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,400 Conor's phone is ringing now. 67 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,560 Conor, is that your phone? 68 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,160 Conor speaking. 69 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,240 Where the fuck are you? Merchants Quay Shopping Centre. 70 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,840 You're supposed to be at the hospital for the baby scan. 71 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,680 Oh, bollocks! 72 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:39,320 Jock, the baby scan! Oh, bollocks. We need to take a detour. 73 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,000 Gardai! Stop there! 74 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,360 There's no fucking way I'm going down it. Fine, stay here. 75 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,200 Stop there! 76 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,760 This is the down elevator, fucking gobshites. 77 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,800 Bollocks to that. 78 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,200 Fuck! 79 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,240 Better luck next time, dickhead! 80 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,320 Fuck you! 81 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,520 For fuck's sake! 82 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,720 He's got a big head. 83 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,520 All right? Let's scan the shit out of this foetus. 84 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,320 I told you how important this was to me. 85 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,440 And instead, you're off fucking about with Conor. 86 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,600 There's something myself and Orla would like to talk to you two about. 87 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,080 Now might be a good time? 88 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,360 Adopt my baby? 89 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,680 If we adopt, you can go on being kids, 90 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,560 grow up and have normal-ish lives. 91 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,480 And the baby is going to need a responsible father figure. 92 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,680 Yeah, I'm responsible. 93 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,720 Your irresponsible behaviour got you into this mess in the first place. 94 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,680 What did I do that was so irresponsible? 95 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,760 Not wearing a condom! WHISPERS: Stop it. 96 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,280 Oh, that's different. 97 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,240 I'm responsible when it comes to things not related to my dick. 98 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,120 Yeah, but the problem is, you are the tail, 99 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,840 your dick is the dog, and your dog is wagging its dick. 100 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:16,880 What? 101 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,080 I do what to a dog's dick? 102 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,720 Your dick is the dog, you're the... You're the tail. 103 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,480 You're a dog's tail full of dicks, wagging out babies. 104 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,040 What the fuck are you on about, Barry? 105 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:34,200 OK, look, when I worked at a primary school, 106 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,160 teaching seven-year-olds, 107 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,360 I used to get them to mind an egg for a month 108 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,400 without breaking it. 109 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,600 That way, they could learn a bit about what it takes to be a parent. 110 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,160 I bet you couldn't do it. Bet you I could. 111 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,560 Chickens can look after their egg, and they're stupid. 112 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,840 And Jock is way smarter than a chicken. 113 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,200 You're fucking right I am. 114 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,920 All right, what do I get if I win? 115 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,560 Forget all about the adoption agreement. 116 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,240 And if I win? 117 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,480 I won't put up a fight, and you can adopt the baby. 118 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,960 Oh, this is idiotic and it's pointless. 119 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,320 Shouldn't waste time on any egg, 120 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,160 other than the one you fertilised inside me. 121 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,440 This is important, all right? It's a man's thing. 122 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,600 It's like... It's like banging antlers out in the fucking Amazon. 123 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,360 Your dad will respect me more once I whip his arse. 124 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,160 There you go. 125 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,080 Thank you. 126 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,160 I'm going to call you Jock Junior. 127 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,120 Can I be the godfather? 128 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,600 Of course you can, Con. 129 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,000 Godfather. Congratulations. 130 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:42,640 Con. 131 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,360 One month from now, yeah? 132 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,640 Yeah. 133 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,280 Thanks for the loan of the bikes, boys. 134 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,360 Sound, lads. 135 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,560 Eggs get a bad rep. 136 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,000 They're actually pretty robust, so keeping Jock Junior safe for the 137 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,760 next 30 days should be easy, as long as we stay 100% focused on the job. 138 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,160 Do you want to have sex? 139 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,720 Jesus, fucking... 140 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,880 What, w-why? Why-how? What? When? 141 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,280 We... Wha... What's wrong? Do you not want to? 142 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,000 Fuck, yeah. But, erm, er... 143 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,680 Look, I just don't want to end up in the same shit mess 144 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:32,720 as Jock and Siobhan. 145 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,280 We won't. We're not idiots. 146 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,920 We'll use protection. 147 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,920 All right, then. So... 148 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,760 Yeah? Yeah? 149 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:42,960 Yeah. 150 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,560 Oh, shit, sorry, I... Sorry. 151 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,360 My aim's usually better than that. 152 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,680 When we're... 153 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:52,960 ..it will... It will be... 154 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,000 Sketch! 155 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,320 Hey, Jock. All right, sir. 156 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,600 How are you doing today? 157 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,360 Fine. 158 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,680 That's great. 159 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,160 What's in your pocket? 160 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,600 I know what you're trying to do. 161 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,120 Just saying hello, that's all. 162 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,800 Hey! Principal Walsh is trying to touch my balls! 163 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:21,840 Agh! 164 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,040 I wasn't trying to touch his balls. 165 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,840 Where's the egg? You're supposed to have it with you at all times. 166 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,520 Conor has it, he's baby-sitting. 167 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,160 Where's Jock Junior? 168 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,680 Oh, he's sitting on the wall. 169 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,200 Jock, the wind! 170 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,240 Whoa! 171 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,880 30 more days! You're doing great. 172 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,640 HE CHUCKLES 173 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,120 What the hell, Con? That was so irresponsible. 174 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,320 WHISPERS: Say you did it. 175 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,040 It was me, it's my fault. It was my fault that it... 176 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,320 That... It was...me. 177 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,920 Well, Linda obviously can't be trusted with an egg, then. 178 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,120 From now on, one of us has to be holding Jock Junior at all times. 179 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,920 As people get older, they care less about ripping each other's 180 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,080 clothes off and more about picking them up. 181 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,560 Is that yours? 182 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:38,880 Er, yes. 183 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,920 For a guard, 184 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,240 you'd think Healy would be more concerned about living like a pig. 185 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,320 How many times do I have to tell you to tidy your shit up after you? 186 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,320 I have a system - cook, eat, then clean. 187 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,760 Don't you mean cook, eat, 188 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,720 then leave your shit everywhere? 189 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,040 Somebody's not getting their hole tonight. 190 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,560 CONOR LAUGHS 191 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,040 He fucking wishes. 192 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,680 Oh, wait, that's weird. 193 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,240 Just passing through. 194 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:40,480 Come here, you're taking the old community service a bit far. 195 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,560 POLICE RADIO: Disturbance outside the Old Al bar. 196 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,720 Any Gardai in the area? 197 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,200 Yeah, I'll go for it. 198 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,240 Are we on a bit of a rush, yeah? 199 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,440 Just a quick question. Would you say I fall in through the cracks? 200 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,600 Any chance of a grass or not? No. 201 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,000 RUMBLING OUTSIDE 202 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,200 What the hell are you doing in my garden? Compacting. 203 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:13,160 Your buddy the Gardai went off for a spin on his bicycle 204 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,720 and he left the place in an awful state. 205 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,720 Well, I'm not paying you nothing. I don't want your money. 206 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,960 Sure I owe you one. One what? 207 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,840 One, like. You know, from before? 208 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,880 I filled your bucket for you. Where do you want this? 209 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,120 Er... 210 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,520 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 211 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,600 You can, er, just leave it down there by the fireplace. 212 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,400 Mam. 213 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,640 Come over. 214 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,880 What's he doing here? He said he owes me one. 215 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,600 One what? You can't just be letting psychos into the gaff 216 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,040 because they owe you one. 217 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,040 All right, look, whatever you do, just don't feed him. 218 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:05,920 Why not? 219 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,760 Because he's like a stray dog. He'll just keep coming back. 220 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,080 BILLY SNIFFS 221 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,360 What have you got there? 222 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,400 Nothing. 223 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,680 If it's nothing, then why are you being so protective of it? 224 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,200 Just, just an egg. 225 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,920 BILLY LAUGHS 226 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,960 It must be a special egg. Sure, give us a look. 227 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,920 CONOR GRUNTS 228 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,920 Careful. Be careful. 229 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,520 He doesn't look very happy now, does he? 230 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,960 Sure, I'm starving. No, you wouldn't like that egg, it's... 231 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,880 It's not an eating egg. 232 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,120 All eggs are eating eggs, all right? 233 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,760 Er, th-this has gone past its best-before date, so... 234 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,840 It's my favourite. Show. 235 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,000 Look, I'll just throw it into the pan there 236 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,960 and we'll have a bit of scrambled egg. 237 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,680 Please, no, don't. 238 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,800 Be careful, be careful. What's wrong with you, eh?! 239 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,120 You swear you laid the fucking thing yourself! It's only an egg. 240 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,600 Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck! 241 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:20,040 There's nothing like a fresh biscuit, 242 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:21,640 straight out of the packet. 243 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,480 Draw the curtain down, Mairead. Could be here for a while. 244 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,560 After three days, you will be walking out of that hospital 245 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,320 with a newborn baby. 246 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,160 No matter what you hear people say, I don't think anyone really 247 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,680 gives a shit about an egg until it is THEIR egg. 248 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,920 The circled items are the ones we're going to need. 249 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,520 And when it IS their egg, 250 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,560 people will spend every last penny they have - 251 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,280 or don't have - on it. 252 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,200 Oh, my God! 253 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,640 They do so much worrying about their egg, they pretty much never get 254 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:11,560 a good night's sleep ever again, and neither does their partner. 255 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,240 It is a major procedure you're going in for, 256 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,560 and there are risks. 257 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,120 Dads, if anything goes wrong in there, you will have 258 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,240 a lot of responsibility on your hands. 259 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,640 Let's take a look, shall we? 260 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,840 WOMAN GROANS 261 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,120 WOMAN SCREAMS 262 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,040 WOMAN ON FILM: Oh, fuck! 263 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,760 Be right back. 264 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,000 SCREAMING CONTINUES 265 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,760 You didn't, you did not leave her. 266 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,960 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 267 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,120 The fuck is that? 268 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,440 THAT'S name is Kevin. Aoife Manny's baby. 269 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,440 I offered to mind him for the weekend while herself 270 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,200 and her fellow are up in Dublin, and you're going to help 271 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,200 because you need to get some practice in. 272 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,280 But... But I have to look after Jock Junior. 273 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,320 You've wasted enough time with that smelly old egg. 274 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,400 Well, what about dinner at the Walshes'? 275 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,480 Well, just bring him along. 276 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,520 Right. 277 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,120 BABY COOS 278 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,680 He's so small! 279 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,400 He's like four foot. 280 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,920 BABY GRUMBLES 281 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,600 Look, it's... 282 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,600 No, it's the other way, lads. Smiles. 283 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,200 Put the brake off. 284 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,560 Siobhan has been trying to get our two families to be more 285 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,160 friendly with each other ever since she got pregnant, 286 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,840 and we've all been making a big effort. 287 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,360 So nice to see you. 288 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,280 What a joy. 289 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,720 Been looking forward to this all week. 290 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,320 Your big hair looks lovely. 291 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,120 But so does your flat hair. 292 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,280 Come in, come in, come in. 293 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:37,960 He's not mine. 294 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,520 BABY COOS 295 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,000 Mind, I think the baby suits him. Don't you? 296 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,160 Conor, do you want to come upstairs 297 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,360 and see my collection of dead butterflies? 298 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,480 Dead butterflies? 299 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,360 Do you have a condom? 300 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,960 CONOR SPLUTTERS 301 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,280 What? Wi... With all them downstairs? 302 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,560 Whatever your dad's cooking smells like shit. 303 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,080 That the baby's bum. It needs changing. 304 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,040 You do it and I'll supervise. 305 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,200 I'm not changing any bums. Here, Siobhan. 306 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,960 I'm not helping. There's no way I'm doing all the nappy changing 307 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,320 when our baby comes along. 308 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,560 Pull harder, will you? I'm doing all the work. 309 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,240 CONOR GRUNTS 310 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,400 BABY COOS 311 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,160 Where's the egg? Right here. 312 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,240 He was a minute ago. 313 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,880 It's hardly good parenting, is it? Not knowing where your egg is. 314 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,200 Jock, just concentrate on what you're doing. 315 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,480 Och, look, there's shit everywhere. 316 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,160 It's a baby, that's what happens. 317 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,680 I'll give you until a count of ten, and if you don't produce the egg, 318 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,360 I'm going to announce myself the winner. It was just here, OK? 319 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,720 One... 320 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,800 Linda, are you still there? 321 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,680 Two... Here, look, Siobhan, will you give me a hand looking for the egg? 322 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,000 It doesn't mean shit, Jock. Just stop worrying about it. 323 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,600 Three... Con! 324 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,800 Con... 325 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,640 Do you have the egg? Bollocks! 326 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:20,840 Four... 327 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,320 BABY CRIES 328 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,480 I'm making a balls of this. Will you just take over? 329 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:25,520 Five! 330 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,240 Fucking egg! 331 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,520 Six! 332 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:30,560 BABY PASSES WIND 333 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,360 You might want to stick a nappy on it before it squirts more poo out. 334 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,640 Oh, Mairead, look, serious, would you just take over? 335 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,840 You need to learn! 336 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,840 No, I'm done! 337 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,040 Seven. 338 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,000 A baby is a full-time job! 339 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,280 You can't just clock out whenever you feel like it. 340 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,800 You have to do it day after day after day. 341 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:47,960 Eight... 342 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,400 Because your child is never going to stop needing you. 343 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,480 I mean, you of all people should know that. 344 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,520 Nine. 345 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,080 Fuck you, Mairead. 346 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,640 Ten. I win! 347 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,960 Fine. You're the winner. 348 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,080 If you want to adopt this baby so much, you can fucking have it. 349 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,040 If I could go back and cock block my own cock, I would. 350 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,880 Because being a dad is for dickheads. 351 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,440 All right? The egg is fine. I've got it here. 352 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,240 This is for the best. 353 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,760 The last thing you need 354 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,240 is someone who acts like that in your baby's life. 355 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,120 SHE CRIES 356 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,400 And Father of the Year goes to 357 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,200 yet again Barry Wanker Walsh. 358 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,080 You're all right. 359 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,240 You'll be thanking me in the end. 360 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,760 You know you will. 361 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,760 You all right? 362 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,040 What are you still hanging on to that egg for? 363 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,120 One day left on Principal Walsh's stupid egg challenge. 364 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,240 When it's over, I'm going to hard-boil it 365 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,520 and shove it up his hole. 366 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,920 You'd have trouble getting a pea up his hole. 367 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:40,920 Oh, I'll get it up there all right. 368 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,440 You know you're going to be that baby's father, 369 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,600 whether you like it or not. 370 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,920 No stupid egg bet's going to change that. 371 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,320 I haven't a clue what I'm doing. 372 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,720 Well, join the club. 373 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,400 Sure I didn't have a fuckin' clue. 374 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,280 Like, when Conor arrived, I was like, 375 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,760 "What the fuck is this? Like, what do I do with it, like?" 376 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,920 You'll figure it all out, I promise. 377 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,280 Children are disgusting, by the way. 378 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,920 Stuff comes out of every hole in their body, like. 379 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,880 Thought you were trying to help me here, like. 380 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,080 I'm just trying to prepare you for it, like. 381 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,160 You've got to, like, clean their armpits 382 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,760 cos they get cheesy and everything. Cheese? 383 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,360 Oh, yuck. 384 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,400 As long as the baby's cute, you'll be fine. 385 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,080 If it's not cute, then... 386 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,000 Obviously, it's going to be cute looking. 387 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,040 They're harder to love when they're not cute. 388 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,680 Imagine it he's like me... If it looks like you, it's fucked. 389 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,960 If it looks like... A big gangly baby. 390 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,720 Fuck off. 391 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,240 A big lanky baby. 392 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,600 Yeah. 393 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,360 You're going to be grand. 394 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,920 DOORBELL RINGS 395 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:22,520 Hi. 396 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,560 Argh! 397 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,800 I always imagined losing my virginity 398 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,800 for the first time somewhere classy, 399 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,120 like, in a house. 400 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:34,760 But when you're a teenager, you've got to go with whatever's available. 401 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,400 Dad gave Siobhan a key to his office, while she's pregnant, 402 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,800 just in case she wants to get sick in private. 403 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,520 He won't be back for another HOUR. 404 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,080 Er...will he not...smell the sex when he does get back? 405 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,280 Very clever. 406 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,520 I know. 407 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,040 Erm. Come on. 408 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,160 Let's do this. 409 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,040 Jock gave me some pretty great advice 410 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,600 on how to get women in the mood, 411 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,800 which I've been saving for this occasion. 412 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,560 It's called foreplay. What are the four plays? 413 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,400 What, you don't know the four plays? 414 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:21,400 All right. Play one, OK. You've got to use tongue, and lots of it. 415 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:24,240 Slow, like a wave, like a crest of a wave hitting a beach. 416 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:32,320 Play two, you've got to get naked, but do it slowly, like a stripper. 417 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:45,720 What is that? 418 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:46,760 What's what? 419 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,800 That. 420 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,440 It's my landing strip. 421 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,840 Play number three, 422 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,920 you've got to talk about your dick so that she's not intimidated by it. 423 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,520 Talk about my dick. 424 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:58,960 Before we get down to business, 425 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,040 you should know that I have this skin tag on my knob 426 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,160 that'll look a bit weird. 427 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,280 But the doctor said it's nothing to worry about 428 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,880 and you won't even notice it once I put the condom on. 429 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,000 It's time for play number four. 430 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,880 Stick it in, then wiggle it all about. 431 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,760 SNAP! 432 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,760 Mm. 433 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,320 Fuck. Come on, dick. Get up. 434 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,440 I can't shut you up when she's not around. Come on! 435 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,200 What's taking so long? 436 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,480 A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS, LINDA. 437 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,480 Oh, Jesus Christ. 438 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,840 SIOBHAN RETCHES 439 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,600 Linda. 440 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,440 Let me in, I need to get sick. 441 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,040 FUCK OFF. 442 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,920 I just...I just need a second. 443 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,400 What's wrong? Is there something wrong with your dick? 444 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,600 There's nothing wrong with my dick, my dick's fine. 445 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:01,880 I can't get it up. 446 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,360 Will you help me? You've just got to talk dirty or something. 447 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:05,640 SLAPPING 448 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,560 What do you want me to say? Well, you know, who's...who's your daddy? 449 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,440 Barry Walsh... I mean... No, don't say that. ..I mean, you. 450 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,520 I'm happy to give it a go with half a boner. 451 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,000 Take a look at this. 452 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,320 That hasn't got a scratch on it. 453 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,400 Look at it, go on, you can shake it, if you like. Knock yourself out. 454 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,120 Oh, what now? 455 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,840 And I know it's just a fucking egg. 456 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,120 But it has to mean something 457 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,120 that I managed to keep that safe for a month. 458 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,600 I bet YOU couldn't do it. 459 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,080 I'm already a dad. 460 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,600 I've been through the wars, so minding this egg will be a doddle. 461 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,600 Looking after something as fragile as an egg isn't easy. 462 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,320 But at least when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. 463 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,040 Like, when I say I'm going to be there for the baby, I'll be there. 464 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,240 Why are you telling HIM this? 465 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:04,840 I was on my way to see you, but... 466 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,720 ..he passed through my trajectory. 467 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,880 Look, I know I know fuck-all about babies. 468 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,480 But I've got two arms and two legs, and I can do some stuff to help out. 469 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:19,480 Even if I'm not very good at it, I promise I'll be there. 470 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,800 Principal Walsh. What is it? 471 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,960 Your other daughter is riding some young fella in your office. 472 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,160 Dad, come back, I think my waters broke. 473 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,280 Dad, just... 474 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,800 They're not going to have sex, listen. 475 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,880 I'm sorry, Linda. It's my fault. 476 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,280 I've been putting your dick under pressure. 477 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,200 We've all the time in the world. 478 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,920 Oh, thank Christ. 479 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:51,960 Yeah. 480 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,400 Do you know I've actually stopped watching porn 481 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,120 where the women talk to the camera? 482 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,200 Cos it feels like I'm cheating on you. 483 00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,760 That's so sweet. 484 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,720 When I watch porn, I picture your face on all the men, 485 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,600 even though your face doesn't match their big bodies. 486 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:17,240 While we're here, do you want to give each other hand jobs? 487 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,440 Oh, yeah. I bags sitting in your dad's chair. 488 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,960 HEY, YOU! PUT THAT LITTLE THING AWAY AND GET YOUR TROUSERS BACK ON! 489 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,640 SNAP! 490 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,640 Ah! 491 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,760 So, do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl? 492 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,520 Is it a girl? 493 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:49,560 Correct. 494 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:52,320 A girl? 495 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,160 Have you got a problem with that? 496 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,720 A smaller version of you? 497 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,360 Loving this baby's going to be easy. 498 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,320 And with me as her godfather and mentor, 499 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,240 there won't be a bike in the city she won't know how to nick.