This programme contains strong language.
It's been four weeks now since Jock and me formed our
start-up bike-stealing company, and business has been fucking booming.
Have we been selling bikes for a month now?
We must be loaded. How much have we got?
I haven't balanced the accounts yet, but we must have shitloads, like.
Is that it? Where did it all go?
Void.
I suppose we did have a lot of overheads.
The problem with stealing bikes is it's a very inconsistent way
to earn a living. We need to find something to subsidise our earnings.
If we did our driving test, we could learn how to steal cars.
Can't do that. There's too many joyriders to compete with.
There's been an upside and a downside to the break-up
between me mam and Sergeant Healy.
The upside is he's not banging her any more.
The downside is he's got way too much fucking time on his hands.
I have you now, you little pricks! Bollocks!
Believe it or not, myself and Jock prepare for this kind of situation.
So our identities are kept incognito.
My name is Charles Faraday and I come from England.
And I'm George Montague, and I also come from England.
# Give him a ball and a yard of grass
# He'll give you a move with a perfect pass
# Give him a ball and a yard of space
I see Margaret cut her hedge again next door.
Carry on, continue as you were.
I haven't had a croquette in years. May I? Thank you!
# He's a nice young man, it's a lovely smile
Anyone else coming through?
Oh, no. Go on, go on, go on!
There really has to be an easier way to make money than this.
Con...
Jock and me nearly all have the same idea at the same time,
because we pretty much share the same brain.
It had better be good. All right, three, two, one... Is it good? Yeah.
Ta-da!
Well, where's the surprise? There's a big heap of shit in the way.
The surprise is the heap of shit. It's a chip van.
It's unreal, isn't it?
We spoke to the owner, he said 500 euros and it's all yours.
He didn't even charge us for the tenner of diesel in the tank.
He's a fierce nice fellow.
He practically just gave it away. You two want to run a chip van?
We are going to be businessmen. Entre pioneers. Entrepreneurs.
You should learn to say the word before you call yourselves that.
Entre...
..pioneers.
Entre pioneers.
You should probably just stick to
calling yourselves dickheads for now.
We are going to be 100% independent, not relying on no-one.
We need you to drive the van, by the way. And pay for it.
We also need you to get free fish for our business, which is called...
Conor... Jock and...
Conor...
BOTH: Conor and Jock's fish and chips.
You two want to run a business? You can't even run a bath.
That's just because the immersion is so hot, we keep burning ourselves.
And we were just eating our dinner, and they came running through,
and they took one of the croquettes.
I don't know. Did you notice anything about them physically?
Were they the same height, or what?
Well, the tall lanky fellow was wearing a white shell tracksuit,
and the short tubby fellow was wearing a blue shell tracksuit.
They were definitely English.
And I'd say by the sounds of it they came from money.
Billy's been dealing with getting dumped the traditional Irishman way.
First, drink shitloads of alcohol.
Then try and ride other women. Because you might even enjoy it.
Just a little bit. Or a big bit.
For the last time, I don't want to see yours,
and I'm not showing you mine.
And when that doesn't work, eat curry chips. Sorry, sorry.
All right. If you can think of anything else, let me know, all right?
Thanks very much. You have my direct phone number.
What are you doing here? It's a total coincidence.
No, not the same reason you're here.
Yeah, we were looking at a second-hand chip van.
Becoming businessmen. Businessmen? Yeah. What about school?
School's for dickheads. Do you know, if we were still together,
these two would still be finishing off their education,
not coming up with hare-brained business ideas. Is that right?
Yes, it is right.
It's actually been scientifically proven that
children who come from a...
Stable family environment have a much better chance of succeeding in life.
Are you saying I'm unstable? When we were together, you weren't unstable.
I think she's very stable. And how would you know?
Unstable people can't tell how stable they are.
They're too unstable. Un-fucking-believable.
Jock, are you hearing this? Sure am.
This coming from a man who chases kids on bikes for a living.
These two fellows are the very picture of stability.
And you see that woman there?
She's like a lighthouse in a sea of instability.
And we never hit a rock. Never.
Is being kicked out of school not a rock?
Getting a teenage girl pregnant not a rock?
What about having no future?
Is that not a rock? I could do with a rock right now.
When you're ready to take me back, we can fix all of this.
Fucking prick. Fucking prick. Fucking prick.
Heads!
Do you know how we can get back at this fucking prick?
How?
Imagine Healy's face if we turn this into an actual successful business.
Just look at it now.
Imagine it sitting there all sparkling and new looking.
And we are all wearing matching outfits, like proper chip-makers.
And then one day Healy walks up to the van.
He walks up and he's holding his stomach in pain. He is starving.
And all he wants is some fish and chips,
and he knows that you have the best fish and chips in all the city.
Oh, I'm Healy. I'm so hungry. Please, please can I have some food?
And you get that food.
You get a plate of the most delicious fish and chips you
could possibly make, and he's dripping, foaming from the mouth.
And you just look at him and say...
Go fuck yourself.
Exactly!
OK. Yes!
We do it together as a partnership. All right.
And we split the profits evenly,
so me and Conor get 60% and you get 40.
Done.
There's a spare seat.
Put that on the roof.
# My heart had a hunger for feelings of every kind
# Down through the years...
Righty tighty, lefty loosey, the wrong way.
# But I hadn't the time
Eesh! Fuck.
Come on, look on the bright side.
There's no bright side to a chip van full of dead rats.
They could be live ones.
That's your job, by the way.
See ya.
What's our job?
# You don't miss the water till the well runs dry
There was a dead fox in the freezer!
Rev it. I am revving it.
Are you using the pedal on the right-hand side? He is.
Your other right!
Why didn't you say that in the first place?
You beauty!
You need to use a little bit of elbow grease for that bit.
Where do I get that from?
Is that fun?
# The things that I left way behind...
I think it looks brilliant. I can see myself everywhere.
Fair play, lads.
# ..the water till the well runs dry
# And you've nothing left to show. #
I have work tomorrow, so the two of you can spend the day cleaning the outside.
See ya.
Division of labour.
Can you just do it? I'm not fucking doing it. You can do it.
How long have we been doing this for? About 10, 15 minutes.
That's never coming off.
I have a better idea.
What the fuck?
We wanted to do something that was eye-catching.
Pink is in. We looked it up on the internet.
No-one's going to take us seriously in a poxy pink chip van. The state of it!
Stand out and get us noticed.
Healy's going to laugh his arse off when he sees this.
Who cares what he thinks?
Not me. Exactly. What's the problem?
All right, mam? You sure you don't want your name up there as well?
No, thanks. It's not a problem.
We can probably fit it in between Jock's and fish.
No, honestly, it's all right.
Lads, this isn't going to pass first time, you know that?
We just send it in for a test and see what happens, all right?
I've got a pretty good feeling we might pass first time.
I've got the same good feeling.
These guys are picky fuckers. It's going to take two or three goes.
And I bet my life on that.
Here you go. Clean bill of health.
You might want to keep an eye on the back tyres.
The treads are starting to get worn. Thank you.
What did I tell you? I knew we'd pass first time.
Those were her exact words, yeah.
It turns out, to run a business, you need to know stuff about business.
In business, your net profit is the money you make minus your costs.
If someone was in, let's just say, the bicycle business,
and they could get bikes at a very low cost. How low?
Very low, total bargain, practically free.
Like, what you sell the bikes for minus what you paid for them,
that's called your profit.
So... The less you pay for something, the more profit you get?
Exactly! There you go.
You're not as stupid as you look, you know that?
So let's just try and get the potatoes and fish for free, then.
Well, no, cos that's stealing.
Yeah, we can't do that. Oh, we can't do that, no.
I didn't know you could cook fish.
I've been a fishmonger my entire life, you pleb.
Then how come you never made fish for me at home?
Cos you only ate chicken and bread.
All right. Continue. OK.
Next, I need you to wear these.
Wait, is this really necessary, like?
I can't remember the last time I ate chips without hair on them.
Well, we're going to raise the bar, then, aren't we?
All right. Health and Safety is really important.
Are ye listening?
Yeah.
And no touching yourselves at work.
What's that supposed to mean?
The number one rule of running a chip van, right, is no smoking.
Fags and fat equals fire.
Fags and fat equals fire, yeah?
Repeat that now.
BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire. Fags and fat equals fire.
BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire. Say what?
Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire.
Fags and fat equals fire, fire,
fire, fire.
HE BANGS SURFACE
Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire. Yeah, you've got it now. It's cool.
Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire.
And fags, and fags and fags and fags and fags and fags and fags
and fags and fags and fags and....
Fire, fire, fire, fire.
Fags and fat equals fire, fire...
I'll give you a fucking clout now if you don't stop.
Battle stations.
All right, lads? Can I get one fish and chips, please?
Just one of you do it. Just one of you.
Jesus Christ, ask her for money, will you?
Er, seven euros, please, madam.
I only have ten.
Here.
It's seven, I'm afraid.
Hang on a sec, hang on a sec.
Three for you.
OK. Enjoy the fish now, yeah?
This is unreal!
Unreal.
Really?
Luscious. Unreal/luscious.
Told you. Unreal/luscious.
That's us. Nice one. Unreal/luscious. Try five.
WHIRRING
You going to give us a hand, or what?
I've got shit on the bottom of my shoe.
Do you want me dragging it into the chip van?
Didn't think so.
WHIRRING STOPS
I thought I told you to stop coming round unannounced.
You used to like when I called round unannounced.
Yeah, well, that was before I realised
you're a fucking weirdo stalker.
I am not a weirdo stalker.
All right? I'm just here to collect the rest of my things.
Fine.
DOOR OPENS
Wait, is this yours?
Yeah.
You haven't been putting it in your mouth, have you?
No.
Putting other people's toothbrush in your mouth is very unhygienic.
DOOR OPENS
Watch, he's going camping.
SHE CHUCKLES
HE LAUGHS
Do you know I...
When I broke up with Linda,
she left me with a fair taste of shit in my mouth.
SHE SNICKERS
Did you notice that, Mam,
when you broke up with Healy?
Yeah, I had an awful taste of shit in my mouth.
THEY SNIGGER
Slainte.
Nothing, I just have something stuck between my teeth.
Mairead, I think that taste in your mouth you're referring to
is bitterness.
And once you get past it,
you'll realise that what's best for those two boys is us.
Together.
Stability.
Is that right?
Yeah, well, they just had their first day working in the chip van
and I have to say, I was impressed.
Oh, yeah?
What was your turnover?
I turned over, like, one fish,
Jock turned over two.
Two fish?
Yeah, well, our turnover is going to be something else
at the Cork City match tomorrow.
Ooh, you sure they're ready for that now?
Thousands of hungry fans.
Could be made or break for Conor'n'Jock's Fish'n'Chips.
They're ready.
All right. Well, I'm working on the match, too, so...
..I'll see you there.
Can't wait.
Would you like a mint?
Mam, are you sure we're ready for that?
Yeah.
The key to being successful at football matches with your chip van
is get there early and beat the other idiots to the best spot.
We're fucking 45 minutes late.
Like, what were you doing in the shower for that long?
Same thing everyone does in the shower for that long -
having a wank.
Oh, you two should start wearing flip-flops next time, by the way.
HE CHUCKLES
Come on. Chop chop, chop, chop, chop, chop...
TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for the second half.
CROWD CLAMOUR WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, so, look, we missed the half-time rush, right?
But with any luck, Cork City are going to lose
and hopefully the supporters are going to want to drown their sorrows
in fish and chips. So huddle up, huddle up.
All right.
CROWD CHEER OUTSIDE
Now, I know we all have our weaknesses.
Jock isn't good up front, Conor's not great with the hygiene,
but if we play to our strengths
and don't let them on the other side of the counter rattle us,
I think we can get a really good result out there today.
Yes, gaffer. All right.
TANNOY BOOMS
APPLAUSE
Mam.
SHOUTING
Oh, Christ. Well, they're fish and chips...
Give us a bag of chips and two sausages.
We don't serve fucking sausages.
Conor, you can't swear at the fucking customers.
You just fucking swore at me.
We can fucking swear at each other, but not at the fucking customers.
All right, sorry! Sorry, what will it be?
A bag of chips and two fucking sausages.
We don't serve fucking sausages.
What the fuck, Conor?
Fine. A fucking fish, so. And drown the bastard in salt.
Right. Say when.
When.
Yeah, Con, what's your mum doing here?
Oh, she's a... My business partner.
Could you just stop standing round like a spare pair of pricks
and actually do some work, like?
Yeah, should have got a silent partner, love.
THEY LAUGH
Ha-ha, funny.
THEY SHOUT INDISTINCTLY
Four pieces of cod. Come on, will you?
Sorry, Mam. Sorry!
THEY SHOUT
You haven't set it up properly.
THEY SHOUT
Get me a fucking...!
Quickly, will you? For fuck's sake, what are you doing?
We're fucking trying, aren't we? Look!
Give me a fucking tenner. Did you change the gas cylinder?
BOTH: I'm fucking sorry! I'm trying my best!
Checking to see how you guys are getting on.
Sorry, Sergeant, no special treatment for the Garda.
You have to queue up like everybody else.
SHOUTING DROWNS SPEECH
I think something's wrong with these here. Why?
They're soggy.
The oil isn't hot enough.
What do you mean?
THEY SCREAM
How did you do that?
Is that a fake hand?
It's gone cold. Did you change the gas cylinder?
Er...
I asked you to do one fucking thing.
One thing?
More like 100 fucking things.
Well, how were we supposed to decipher what order
to do all your fucking orders in, like?
Well, then, what are you waiting for? Just change the gas cylinder!
I'll change it!
Jesus.
Sorry, folks. Just bear with us for, like, 15 minutes
and then we'll reheat the oil, yeah?
15 minutes?
Fuck that.
CROWD: Aw!
Fuck.
It's ready.
Oh, great.
Why don't we just serve all the no-people in the queue.
Turn off the gas, will you?
Four words, Mairead.
I told you...
Well, you know the last one.
So.
Pick that up.
The boys weren't ready for it.
I think, personally, we should have
a PTA meeting about our business. Yeah, I agree.
A parent-teacher meeting?
No, it's a partnership meeting, like.
Partnership?
You made me look like a dickhead all day.
I could have done everything out there myself.
All right, Miss High-Almighty,
here, this chip van wouldn't even be on the roll if it wasn't for us.
Oh, really? How come?
How do you think we passed the DOE?
How?
The same way that we get our free satellite television.
You bribed a government official?
BOTH: Yes. We did. Oh, my God.
And, do you know, Mairead? A little bit of gratitude wouldn't go astray.
Yeah. Gratitude?!
Yes. Gra-ti-tude.
So, in your own time, we'd like a thank you.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
Oh, God! Fuck! For fuck's sake.
Fuck! Fuck's sake!
Did you not put fucking oil in the engine? That was my fault?
You failed the NCT and got a fake document... Oh, Jesus Christ! We did this...!
You were supposed to... Oh, yeah, it's our fault! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who the fuck is this?
If you're not going anywhere, any chance of a fish supper?
ALL: Fuck off!
Fuck off.
No.
Yeah, I can fix it.
But between parts and labour, it's going to cost 1,000 euros.
And even after that,
I can't guarantee it's going to pass the DOE.
It'll pass the DOE. Shut up, Jock.
How much will you give me if I scrap it?
What? You can't sell it -
we're partners. We need to make this decision together.
The partnership is over.
I paid for this heap of shit
and I want to see what I can get back for it.
How much will you give me?
Yeah, well, most of it is useless,
but I'll give you 200 euros for the engine.
Perfect. We don't need an engine.
And now, I've heard it all.
We don't need an engine?
It's a fucking chip van, like.
How are we supposed to get to our customers?
We have a plan.
Is it as stupid as it was to buy the chip van in the first place?
We'll pretend we didn't hear that one.
That prick, Tony, was right.
I am unstable.
And now, because of me, you're both unstable.
You've no direction and you're just latching onto every idiotic idea
that comes into your unstable heads.
We're all un-fucking-stable.
And I'm the lighthouse, yeah? Just like you said.
In a sea of instability.
Because my light's gone out.
Your mum having a stroke?
You two fucking idiots are just crashing into these rocks,
these giant rocks, and you're sinking and you're drowning.
Er, will you give us a minute?
FOOTSTEPS RECEDING
We are...
Your light's not gone out, Mam.
It's shining strong and bright.
Since we're all speaking in metaphors, here's another one.
We were watching this science thing on YouTube the other day
and it said if you put a monkey in front of a typewriter...
No, no, it needs to be an immortal monkey.
Ah, yeah. It said if you put an immortal...an immortal monkey
in front of a typewriter...
An immortal monkey? Like, where are you going with this?
No, you... Just listen to this, actually. This is a good one.
You tell the immortal monkey to write
the complete works of Shakespeare. He will.
I don't... I don't get it.
Oh, wait, no. No, no, no, you got it wrong.
Right.
You have to ask the immortal monkey to write for eternity, OK?
Yeah. And then after a while -
probably a long while... Yeah.
..by pure perseverance, he will eventually get it done. Exactly.
He'll do it. Because he's immortal.
He's some sort of, like, god-monkey and if you keep
at something for long enough, you never quit, never... Never.
..ever quit, then you will eventually achieve
the thing that you wanted to do.
And that's what we are.
We're the immortal monkeys that never give up.
And we learned from the biggest monkey of all of them.
Our mamma monkey.
We never quit.
Aren't I?
OK, well, like, we don't have 1,000 euro to fix it.
We do have a plan.
It's a bit unconvenient, but...
He means inconventional.
Unconventional.
Yeah. Yeah, OK.
SHE LAUGHS
MUSIC: Praise You by Fatboy Slim
THEY CHEER
CHEERING
Not many things can bring a community together, but it turns out
Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's Fish'n'Chips
happens to be one that can.
Roll up, roll up!
Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's Fish'n'Chips
is back in business!
THEY CHEER
Quality fish and chips made by Cork's finest fryer!
THEY CHEER
Right, what do you want?
One kids portion of fish and chips. Crispy as fuck, please!
Order up!
Do you want vinegar?
There you are, sir.
Some chips and two fish and chips.
Fish and chips.
THEY SHOUT
Order up!
I love the crinkly ones.
Yeah, I know.
You're some sexy, greasy bastard.
That's my fella! Yeah, I think you left your tongue in his mouth.
THEY LAUGH
We're going to move them wankers out.
Do me a favour here, lads.
Let this one go.
THEY CHEER
All right. Cheers, man!
She's only just come in.
She was on facey. Mmm.
SHE SIGHS
Right, that was the last customer.
And we made 400 quid today.
Do you know what?
No matter what happens, I think you monkeys are going to be all right.
Oh, shit.
What?
Oh, Jesus, there's a fire! Someone call the Fire Brigade!
Fuck! Shit!
I think I may have left my cigarette in the ashtray.
FIRE ROARS
Where was the ashtray, Mairead?
Next to the fryer.
And what was your...
What was your number one rule for running a chip van, now, Mam?
No smoking.
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What was that?
No smoking!
BOTH: No smoking.
Because fat plus fags equals...
Fire.
SIRENS WAIL
Fire.
Burn on.
All right, well, I always fancied getting a Chinese thing.
Bah! Bah? All right.