1
00:00:08,919 --> 00:00:10,680
I bet you're wondering
what we've been up to.

2
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,879
Well, in some ways things
are not much different

3
00:00:13,919 --> 00:00:15,400
than they ever were.
Lads!

4
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,599
That's not very civic minded.

5
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,800
Have a little pride
in your city.

6
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,639
You baldy pricks.

7
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,440
In other ways.

8
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,639
And I'll do my best not
to exaggerate, but things

9
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,040
are completely fucking mental.

10
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,720
Ah Conor will you pull yourself
together, boi, seriously.

11
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,279
Why are Jock and me
dressed as two gorgeous beours?

12
00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:46,199
Let me explain.

13
00:00:46,919 --> 00:00:49,360
You may recall that Jock got
arrested in a Colombian airport

14
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,199
because the South American Garda
didn't like his dress sense.

15
00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:55,879
It turns out Colombian prisons
aren't as nice as they make

16
00:00:55,919 --> 00:00:57,080
out in prison brochures.

17
00:00:59,879 --> 00:01:03,160
But after four years of being
kicked in the ball 23 hours a day,

18
00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:05,959
Jock managed to swing himself
a job in the prison kitchen.

19
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:08,199
And that's where his luck changed.

20
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,360
Jock had a natural flair
for making impermiders.

21
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,519
Impnoted- im-pahomas,
whatever the fuck they're called.

22
00:01:14,599 --> 00:01:16,919
And the whole prison
ended up loving him.

23
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,800
And Jock's luck didn't end there.

24
00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,519
The prison guards all got stoned
one day and well,

25
00:01:23,559 --> 00:01:24,919
they left the gate open.

26
00:01:25,879 --> 00:01:28,000
Jock didn't realise that
he only had three days left

27
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,239
in his five year sentence.

28
00:01:30,279 --> 00:01:32,680
Jock always was a lucky bastard.

29
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,239
Well, that is apart from
the 23 hours a day

30
00:01:35,279 --> 00:01:36,360
being kicked in the balls.

31
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,559
And his dead mam and his
alcoholic prick of an old fella.

32
00:01:39,639 --> 00:01:42,279
But apart from that,
Jock is pretty much the luckiest

33
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:43,400
fella in the universe.

34
00:01:44,559 --> 00:01:46,680
As soon as he was in the clear,
Jock did the one thing

35
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:47,919
any sane man would do.

36
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,120
He found the barbers and got
himself a normal bazaar.

37
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,160
After that, Jock trekked his way
through the Columbian jungle

38
00:01:54,199 --> 00:01:57,199
for three long days.

39
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,559
Until he realised he'd been
going around in circles.

40
00:02:00,599 --> 00:02:02,720
And the prison was only
20 minutes from the coast.

41
00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:04,800
When he got to the port.

42
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,279
He stowed away on a ship
heading to Ireland.

43
00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:10,639
On the boat,
Jock met another stowaway

44
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,639
who agreed to let Jock borrow his
phone in return for something

45
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,480
that Jock never wants
to speak about ever again.

46
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,480
I was at home making myself
useful when I got a call.

47
00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:27,319
(PHONE VIBRATES)

48
00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:32,639
Con, Con, Con.
Boi, it's Jock. Jock.

49
00:02:32,959 --> 00:02:35,040
Listen boy,
I'm after escaping, okay?

50
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,559
I'm somewhere along the like
Colombian Irish Sea or something.

51
00:02:37,599 --> 00:02:39,680
Okay, but you have
to meet me on the coast.

52
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,919
So I dropped what I was doing
and legged it to the coast.

53
00:02:45,559 --> 00:02:47,800
I was sitting around
waiting there all day.

54
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,440
No sign of Jock.

55
00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,319
Not there, there.

56
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,080
But then...
Jock?

57
00:02:57,559 --> 00:02:59,000
Jock!
Alright boy!

58
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,279
There he was.

59
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,720
His swimming had
gotten much better.

60
00:03:03,959 --> 00:03:06,279
He must have been getting
lessons in the Colombian jail.

61
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:07,680
Jock.

62
00:03:08,279 --> 00:03:09,559
I missed you, boy.

63
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,959
I missed you!
Me and Jock are hard men.

64
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,440
So we don't show too much emotion.

65
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,279
You look incredible,
boy you haven't aged a day.

66
00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,199
I got you a gift.

67
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,120
Chips. Unreal.
You know, we can actually...

68
00:03:22,559 --> 00:03:24,440
We actually get
these in Centra now.

69
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,400
Yeah, as if boy. Boy, did
you swim all the way here?

70
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,040
No boy, got a lift.
Got lift?

71
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,000
And no one saw me boy!
(titter)

72
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,879
Did you jump off the
boat you little shit?

73
00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,279
Is that for you?

74
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:39,120
Gowan-gowan!

75
00:03:39,279 --> 00:03:40,959
(high tempo music plays)

76
00:03:56,959 --> 00:03:58,000
A bike- a bike!

77
00:03:58,519 --> 00:04:00,400
We're on the run- we're soaked.

78
00:04:00,559 --> 00:04:01,559
We need to get out
of these clothes.

79
00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:04,360
Yeah, into what?
Well....

80
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,680
No, I'm not..hardly.

81
00:04:07,839 --> 00:04:09,120
I think they went that way!

82
00:04:15,319 --> 00:04:17,440
Slow down, boy,
my skirts riding up.

83
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,440
Boy, we've no time
for modesty now.

84
00:04:19,919 --> 00:04:22,800
When it comes to getaways
on bicycles, myself and Jock

85
00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:24,559
are the undisputed experts.

86
00:04:25,639 --> 00:04:29,959
(grunting)
Eh, we might be a bit rusty.

87
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,919
We're stuck, we're stuck,
we're stuck.

88
00:04:31,959 --> 00:04:33,160
Come on. Get off. Get off.

89
00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:36,919
Right, we go over here and
we figure out where the next...

90
00:04:39,559 --> 00:04:41,480
What's wrong with you?
All right.

91
00:04:41,639 --> 00:04:42,720
What's wrong?
Are you okay?

92
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:43,879
Yeah.
Look at me.

93
00:04:43,919 --> 00:04:45,160
What's wrong with you?

94
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:49,080
Con...what?
(cries)

95
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,319
Ah Con, will you pull yourself
together boy, crying away there.

96
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,599
Like, this is supposed to be
the happiest day of our lives.

97
00:04:53,639 --> 00:04:55,480
Like, I'm back.
I'm crying because it is

98
00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:57,440
the happiest day of my life.
What?

99
00:04:57,599 --> 00:04:59,519
I think I'm just
overwhelmed with emotions.

100
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,080
My best friend in
the whole world,

101
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,800
and I haven't seen you in years.
But I missed you too, boy.

102
00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:09,599
Boy, you're my best
friend in the world.

103
00:05:09,919 --> 00:05:11,599
I missed you like.

104
00:05:12,239 --> 00:05:16,400
Okay, here, now, we're gonna
go back home into Cork now,

105
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,599
okay? And we're gonna show them
that nothing, absolutely

106
00:05:19,639 --> 00:05:20,680
nothing has changed.

107
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,760
Connor and Jock are back.
Yes.

108
00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:26,559
Nothing has changed.

109
00:05:26,959 --> 00:05:29,720
I needed to tell Jock that lots
of things have changed.

110
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,440
The thing is, Jock,
lots of things have changed.

111
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,440
Boy, I'm not a bad boy anymore.

112
00:05:35,519 --> 00:05:37,680
I need to grow up
and become a man.

113
00:05:38,239 --> 00:05:40,239
I've changed.
You've changed?

114
00:05:40,319 --> 00:05:41,720
While I was in prison
in Columbia.

115
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,000
Do you not think I've changed?

116
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,199
I learned that you can't
trust anyone but yourself.

117
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,680
And if you want to be rich
and successful in this life,

118
00:05:48,319 --> 00:05:50,400
you've got to cheat
and manipulate the system.

119
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,879
And I learnt a Spanish
word for toilet paper.

120
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,440
Oh ya?
Prove it.

121
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,160
Papel higiénico.

122
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,959
Spanish for toilet paper.
Shit.

123
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,639
The only way for people like us
to make it in this life, boy,

124
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,879
is to be criminals,
like we always were.

125
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,000
Where's your sense
of adventure gone?

126
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,919
You can't have a sense
of adventure and be a grown up.

127
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,400
Everyone knows that.
Well, who told you that, boy?

128
00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:14,199
Look I'm back now, all right?

129
00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:16,800
You just forget about everything
and listen to me, okay?

130
00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:17,879
Well, you've changed.

131
00:06:18,599 --> 00:06:19,720
Exactly.

132
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,120
Thank you.
Shit.

133
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,279
No, like...agh!

134
00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:28,519
I have no idea where we are.
Where are we?

135
00:06:32,519 --> 00:06:34,120
I don't think Cork is this way.

136
00:06:34,199 --> 00:06:36,160
You tell me, boy, you're
supposed to be the grown up.

137
00:06:36,199 --> 00:06:37,279
I haven't got a clue, boy.

138
00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:39,440
Oh, yeah, this grown up thing's
working out well for you, is it?

139
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:40,599
Stop, alright.

140
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,400
Why don't we try that stupid
looking house there?

141
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,040
The roof of this house is mank.

142
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,080
All right.
Okay, let's do this.

143
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,639
Wait, Jock.
Jock, what are you doing?

144
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,760
What?
Smashing the window in.

145
00:06:54,639 --> 00:06:57,040
Why don't we just knock on the
door and see if they'll help us?

146
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,839
What, yeah, just two fellas in
dresses in the middle of nowhere

147
00:06:59,879 --> 00:07:02,160
knocking on the door.
Yeah, good point.

148
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,239
Wait, I've an idea.

149
00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:12,120
Just a couple of stags,
at a stag do and we've got

150
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,160
split up from the other stags.

151
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,680
All right, so I'm a stag?
You're a stag, yeah.

152
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,319
All right.
That's a really good idea.

153
00:07:17,599 --> 00:07:20,599
(SHOUTING AND CLATTERING)

154
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,480
Mouths on them.

155
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,760
Actually get your point across
without using so much profanity.

156
00:07:26,919 --> 00:07:29,000
(SHOUTING AND CLATTER)
What the fuck is profanity?

157
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,239
It's a posh word for swearing.

158
00:07:31,559 --> 00:07:32,919
Right.
Oh, my God.

159
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,800
(KNOCKING)

160
00:07:38,599 --> 00:07:41,879
Ah, hello, ladies.

161
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,279
What are you doing
around these parts?

162
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,480
We're not actually ladies.

163
00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:49,400
We're just two fellas in dresses.

164
00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:52,919
Nile's on him messing with you.

165
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,720
Sure, we could see that.
You're fellas all along.

166
00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:57,959
The Ronnies are a dead giveaway.

167
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,879
Have you looked at yourself
in the mirror recently? (GIGGLE)

168
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,000
We're on a stag.
Yeah, my stag.

169
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,879
This one.
The old ball and chain.

170
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,440
Oh. And where's the rest
of your stag party?

171
00:08:10,319 --> 00:08:12,959
Yeah, we'll have to actually
get spit up from them.

172
00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:14,959
It's a nightmare.
So it's just us.

173
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,400
Yeah.
Where are they actually?

174
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,839
Diego and Juan.

175
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,559
I'm Diego. Right,
so that makes me ...Juan.

176
00:08:24,599 --> 00:08:26,000
Juan.
Juan.

177
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,279
Juan.
All right.

178
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,639
Could we use your phone by any
chance, just to get a lift

179
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,680
and then we'll be out
of your hair? Of course.

180
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,919
Lads, come on in.
Come on.

181
00:08:36,319 --> 00:08:38,160
Thank you so much.
Thank you.

182
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,440
What, Diego and what?
Wine?

183
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,000
Yeah.
Boy, we've used fake names.

184
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,680
We've been chased by the guards.

185
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,480
Yeah, they're the first
names that came into my head.

186
00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:50,239
I don't know my name.
Juan.

187
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,680
Wine.
Juan.

188
00:08:51,839 --> 00:08:53,839
It's Colombian, is it?
Yeah.

189
00:08:55,519 --> 00:09:00,080
Ah, come in, come in, come in.

190
00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:02,080
You're very welcome.

191
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,680
You're very welcome.

192
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,239
Sorry about the mess.

193
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:09,040
We were just spring cleaning.
Spring cleaning.

194
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,239
Juan and Diego.

195
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:17,080
Yeah. They're a queer couple of
odd names for fellas from Cork.

196
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,000
Aren't they?
Yes Deirdre.

197
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:23,040
Deirdre is the name of a priest's
housekeeper who was let go and

198
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,440
smells of wet coats.
Says Niall.

199
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,239
That's just Neil spelled wrong.
Wagon.

200
00:09:28,319 --> 00:09:29,319
Wanker.

201
00:09:31,199 --> 00:09:35,680
My dad was a big fan
of Diego Maradona.

202
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:36,800
Oh.
You know him?

203
00:09:36,839 --> 00:09:39,839
Guy that had all the hair,
so he called me Diego after him.

204
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:40,919
Yeah, yeah.

205
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:50,120
And my dad was a big fan of
numbers, so he named me One.

206
00:09:52,279 --> 00:09:55,000
So if you have a phone,
we could use a phone.

207
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,559
And then we'd be gone.
Of course.

208
00:09:57,959 --> 00:10:00,959
I think it might have been
misplaced in all

209
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,279
the spring cleaning.

210
00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:03,879
I told you, Deirdre, didn't I?

211
00:10:03,919 --> 00:10:06,919
That today wasn't the day
for spring cleaning.

212
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,120
Well, we wouldn't have to spring
clean if you weren't such

213
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,559
a revolting pig, would we, Niall?
Shut up.

214
00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:16,639
(DRY CHUCKLE)

215
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:21,519
So who is the lucky lady
then? Yeah, sure.

216
00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:25,400
It's this beour.
Linda Walsh is her name.

217
00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:28,760
She's actually a childhood
sweetheart of mine.

218
00:10:29,959 --> 00:10:32,919
So we're getting married
and it's quite beautiful.

219
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,279
So now we're hoping
to start a family.

220
00:10:35,319 --> 00:10:39,480
And she's actually off the pill,
so I'm just going 90.

221
00:10:39,879 --> 00:10:42,919
So Linda Walsh is going
to become Linda McSweeney.

222
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:43,959
Yeah, that's right.

223
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,639
Oh, Juan and Linda McSweeney.

224
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,000
Isn't that sweet?

225
00:10:49,319 --> 00:10:52,839
It is.
Very sweet. Bit weird.

226
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,279
Where are my manners?

227
00:10:56,839 --> 00:11:00,040
Why don't I fetch us some
tea and cake to celebrate?

228
00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:04,440
Niall, why don't you and
Diego find the phone

229
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:08,440
and Juan and I will put the
kettle on the phone. Come on.

230
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,199
Come on.
Right, okay.

231
00:11:10,599 --> 00:11:13,239
Come on.
This way.

232
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,599
I always keep the delf handy
in case we have visitors,

233
00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:20,839
but we never do.
I don't know why.

234
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,919
Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it?
Come here.

235
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:25,160
Come here.
Why?

236
00:11:25,199 --> 00:11:26,279
You're not going..

237
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:28,680
Just come here.
Sit down.

238
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:34,839
Tell me this.

239
00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,599
What?
Is Juan a good friend of yours?

240
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:39,879
Yeah, he's my best friend.

241
00:11:39,919 --> 00:11:42,720
Well, then it is your
duty to stop him.

242
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,279
You mustn't let him get married.

243
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,160
So, Juan, you think you're
ready to get married?

244
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,199
Yes, 100%.

245
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,839
And you're sure this
Linda's the one?

246
00:11:56,639 --> 00:11:58,879
No, I'm Juan.
Juan.

247
00:11:59,839 --> 00:12:01,919
He thinks
he's been like a grown up.

248
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,839
What do you think? No,
I think he should be a bad boy.

249
00:12:05,879 --> 00:12:07,720
Like you?
Yeah, like me, yeah.

250
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:12,319
Believe it or not.
I used to be a bad boy.

251
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,720
Are you sure?

252
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:16,480
Do you love her?

253
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,160
Is she the one?

254
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:22,160
As sure as I am Juan.
She is the one.

255
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,440
Well, as long as you're sure.
Are you sure?

256
00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:33,279
I settled down and
let a woman clip my wings.

257
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,000
Is that what you want
to happen to Juan?

258
00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:38,279
No.

259
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,000
No, definitely not.

260
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,120
I'll drink to that.

261
00:12:43,919 --> 00:12:45,040
Where'd you get that from?

262
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,480
If you are going to settle down
with someone, let me give

263
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:49,599
you a piece of advice.

264
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,639
Make sure you have
plenty in common.

265
00:12:52,879 --> 00:12:54,559
Lots of shared interests.

266
00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:56,879
You and Niall have a lot
of shared interests?

267
00:12:56,959 --> 00:12:58,879
None whatsoever.

268
00:12:59,519 --> 00:13:02,319
That's why our marriage
is a living purgatory.

269
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,319
Well, that and the fact
he thinks it's common to

270
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,319
wash his hands after
going to the bathroom.

271
00:13:10,879 --> 00:13:12,919
Well, some people just grow apart.

272
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:15,319
Everyone has to grow up
at some point.

273
00:13:15,959 --> 00:13:17,000
Exactly.

274
00:13:17,879 --> 00:13:22,760
CHEERFUL: Ah! Tea time!
We made a pot lads.

275
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,239
Oh, we've got the cans.

276
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,239
(LAUGHS)
Cheers!

277
00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:29,839
Hmm.
What?

278
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,440
Did you find the phone?

279
00:13:31,839 --> 00:13:34,800
No, I've been having
the bit of craic with Diego.

280
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,000
And you don't think you could
have had the craic and looked

281
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,519
for the phone?
Ah, jeez.

282
00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:40,959
Boy, you stop your nagging,
you.

283
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,239
I'm not nagging, okay?

284
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,879
Oh, no, it does sound
a little bit like nagging.

285
00:13:44,919 --> 00:13:46,120
Who rattled your cage?

286
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,599
Keep your nose out
of their business.

287
00:13:47,919 --> 00:13:52,080
I'll tell you who rattled
my pissing cage!

288
00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:54,080
You bloody did.

289
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,400
That's because I'm the only one
in this relationship with any

290
00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:00,000
sense of responsibility.

291
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,160
Sound familiar?

292
00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:06,319
The only thing you're responsible
for is dragging me down

293
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,239
to your boring level.
Oh, sound familiar?

294
00:14:10,279 --> 00:14:14,040
I'm the only one in this
relationship that wants

295
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,120
to keep it on track!

296
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,400
I mean, you don't even want
to have sex with me anymore.

297
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,000
Sound familiar?
Wait, no, not...

298
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,360
Not that one.
Deirdre, I'm 76!

299
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,839
I don't want to have sex
with anyone anymore.

300
00:14:28,879 --> 00:14:31,800
Well, now would you please
stop nagging me?

301
00:14:31,839 --> 00:14:34,879
Listen, boy, all right?
I don't nag you.

302
00:14:34,919 --> 00:14:37,440
Ah, boy, that's all you do.
Listen to yourself.

303
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,480
Or you can't.

304
00:14:38,519 --> 00:14:40,760
You can't be a grown up
and have a sense of adventure.

305
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,360
What's that?
That's nagging, boy.

306
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,440
It is time you grew up.

307
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,599
I feel like I don't even know
who you are anymore, Jock.

308
00:14:47,639 --> 00:14:50,760
Look at us! On the run from
the guards again!

309
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,120
Stop.
With these two strangers

310
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,480
wearing dresses.
Jock?

311
00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:55,000
On the run from the guards?

312
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,120
Shit.

313
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:57,959
Juan just called you Jock.

314
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,959
No. You going senile?
Oh, he definitely did. God!

315
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,680
Shit, Connor!
Look what you've done.

316
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,160
Connor?
What the...

317
00:15:04,959 --> 00:15:08,319
Gah-God. Jesus Christ.
What's going on here?

318
00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:11,959
So if you're on the run from
the guards and you're in our

319
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,360
house, does that
make us hostages?

320
00:15:15,599 --> 00:15:16,760
Can I make something very clear?

321
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,680
Right, no one here is being
kept as a hostage.

322
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,000
Isn't that right, Jock?

323
00:15:23,199 --> 00:15:24,919
(GRUNTING)

324
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,919
A bit of peace and quiet.
Oh, Jock.

325
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,919
What have you done, boy?

326
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,959
What? What am I after doing?
I'm looking after Jock.

327
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,000
Okay?
Sorry.

328
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,519
How exactly?

329
00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:37,599
Because now we have two hostages.

330
00:15:37,639 --> 00:15:40,120
Boy, we-we used
to be fun petty criminals.

331
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,160
Oh, you want a bike?
Yeah.

332
00:15:41,199 --> 00:15:42,639
We'll rob a little bike.
You want some jellies?

333
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,519
We don't have enough money.
We rob a few jellies.

334
00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:47,199
Alright, well now
we've taken hostages.

335
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,319
Will you just relax, relax.
Okay?

336
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,000
We're gonna find the phone,
make a phone call and then

337
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,120
we're home and dry boy.

338
00:15:53,239 --> 00:15:56,559
Alright, we'll find the phone so
in this absolute kip of a house.

339
00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:58,279
(GRUNTS)
That's great. Easy peasy.

340
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,080
(PHONE RINGS)

341
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,839
Well, I didn't know
that was going to happen.

342
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,080
Yes.
Don't answer.

343
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,040
Don't answer, boy.

344
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,080
If they don't answer,
they know something's wrong.

345
00:16:10,199 --> 00:16:12,639
Don't answer it.
Ssh, ssh.

346
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,720
OLD MAN VOICE: Hello?

347
00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:16,599
How are you Niall?

348
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,480
Haven't seen two young
fellas around, have you?

349
00:16:21,639 --> 00:16:23,519
No, no I haven't...
What are you doing?

350
00:16:23,599 --> 00:16:26,599
..seen two boys dressed
as women on the run.

351
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,720
I'm cooking for my wife.

352
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:33,959
Deirdre.
Tell him you're bald.

353
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,319
I'm still bald.

354
00:16:35,879 --> 00:16:38,879
Okay, if you see any,
would you just let us know?

355
00:16:38,919 --> 00:16:41,000
Yes. Have a good evening.
Bye.

356
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,400
That sounded nothing like him.

357
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:45,919
That sounds like you, doesn't it?
No, it didn't.

358
00:16:45,959 --> 00:16:48,279
Is it?
IMPRESSION: Yes, come on in, boys.

359
00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:51,360
Who we calling?

360
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,519
Call Mairead, she'll know how to.
What?

361
00:16:53,559 --> 00:16:55,160
No, I can't call Mairead, boy.

362
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,120
She'll kill us, boy. And
then he'll arrest our corpses.

363
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,000
All right, Jock. Good point.
Em, try the girls.

364
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,239
You can't call Siobhan, obvies.
Think boy, will you.

365
00:17:04,279 --> 00:17:05,599
I'll never get to see Star again.

366
00:17:05,639 --> 00:17:07,160
You're not making this easy.

367
00:17:07,199 --> 00:17:09,239
Well come up with
someone good then, boy.

368
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,000
Billy.

369
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,599
What? Billy Murphy?
Yeah. What?

370
00:17:14,639 --> 00:17:15,839
Absolute-are you joking by?

371
00:17:15,879 --> 00:17:16,879
No way.
He's a psycho.

372
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,680
And we don't have
his number anyway.

373
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:20,839
So, come on,
think of someone else.

374
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,080
I actually have his number on me.
How can you have it on you?

375
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,279
You don't have any pockets.

376
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,839
Billy Murphy, bff.

377
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,279
Is that permanent?

378
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:32,519
Are you serious?

379
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,160
You were gone for five years.
Why bff?

380
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,919
I tried to wait after you,
but I didn't know what to do.

381
00:17:37,959 --> 00:17:39,480
Why are all his
numbers crossed out?

382
00:17:39,519 --> 00:17:41,040
Because he kept
losing his phone so

383
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,440
we had to get new numbers and

384
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,760
he do it to me in my sleep
with a tattoo gun.

385
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,879
He meant well. He did
that when you were sleeping?

386
00:17:46,919 --> 00:17:48,800
Yeah. Yeah, boy, he's not
well in the head.

387
00:17:49,199 --> 00:17:50,800
Jeez, boy.
Of course we're not ringing him.

388
00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:52,879
Absolute psychopath.
Oh, he's the psycho, is he?

389
00:17:52,919 --> 00:17:54,040
Yes.
Billy's the psycho?

390
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,839
Well that's funny because you're
the one who's back in Ireland.

391
00:17:56,879 --> 00:17:59,959
Only two minutes and we already
have the guards chasing us and we

392
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,919
have two pensioners hostage.
Oh, boy.

393
00:18:01,959 --> 00:18:03,680
Will you just relax, please?
Relax.

394
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:04,720
Five minutes.
Just relax.

395
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,959
How am I meant to relax?

396
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,519
I'm gonna end up back in prison
and I'm probably gonna burn

397
00:18:08,559 --> 00:18:09,680
in hell because of you.

398
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,519
Boy, you just nag, nag,
nag.. I'm doing your head in.

399
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,519
Do your head in, on your own,
cause I'm out of here.

400
00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:15,720
Oh, I'm on my own now, am I?
You're on my own.

401
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,239
Am I now, yeah?
Yeah? Yeah.

402
00:18:17,279 --> 00:18:20,599
REPEATING:
Yeah? Yeah.

403
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,800
I saw a thing on the Internet
that said if you take a load

404
00:18:23,839 --> 00:18:27,639
of LSD, you can rewire your brain
so any of the bad shit

405
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,599
that happened to you doesn't
cause you to make bad decisions.

406
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,760
Finally, a bit of peace.

407
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,519
I think it'll take all the LSD
in Ireland to sort Jock out.

408
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,319
(KNOCKING)

409
00:18:39,959 --> 00:18:41,040
It's the guards!

410
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,400
Come out with your hands up.

411
00:18:43,959 --> 00:18:46,760
We know you're in there.
MUFFLED: It's the guard, boy.

412
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,239
He got me..

413
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,440
(BANGING ON DOOR)

414
00:19:00,199 --> 00:19:02,760
NIALL IMPRESSION: Hello gaurd,
how are you?

415
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,680
Can you stop banging?

416
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:11,199
I need to concentrate
on cleaning my head.

417
00:19:11,599 --> 00:19:15,839
That's a pretty good impression.
But it's not Niall, come out.

418
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,199
Put your hands up.

419
00:19:19,599 --> 00:19:20,959
NORMAL: If you don't back off!

420
00:19:21,199 --> 00:19:24,239
I got hostages in here
and I'll kill them all!

421
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,680
Hostages?
I've never had hostages before.

422
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,440
Hostages? I might have to phone
Dublin about this.

423
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,839
I'm not going back to Columbia.

424
00:19:33,959 --> 00:19:36,400
Think, think, think!

425
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,239
Put that down-
What are you doing?

426
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,000
Just be quiet.

427
00:19:46,879 --> 00:19:48,000
I need to gather my thoughts.

428
00:19:53,919 --> 00:19:55,440
I don't have any thoughts.

429
00:19:55,919 --> 00:19:57,239
Do you have any ideas?

430
00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,199
Do you have any ideas?
MUFFLED: Let me go.

431
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,800
One at a time, please.
One at a time.

432
00:20:03,639 --> 00:20:04,919
What are you saying?

433
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,919
(MUFFLED DIALOGUE)

434
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,400
What?
I said..

435
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:14,040
Of course you don't
know what I'm saying.

436
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,519
I've a gag in me mouth.
Okay.

437
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,160
Did you have any ideas?

438
00:20:18,199 --> 00:20:20,319
No, of course I haven't.
Great, thanks.

439
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,279
No, no, wait.

440
00:20:23,239 --> 00:20:26,040
I do have something to say. Yeah,
we'll make it quick, okay?

441
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:32,199
Just want to say that
if all this goes bad.

442
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:37,239
I love you, Niall.
I mean, you're an

443
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:41,160
annoying prick and you stink and
you don't clean up after yourself

444
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,800
and we don't have sex.

445
00:20:42,839 --> 00:20:46,199
But we've been through
everything together.

446
00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:50,199
And somewhere along the line,
we just lost our way.

447
00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:55,000
When we were young,
it was just the two of us

448
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,519
on a great big
adventure together.

449
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,279
Screw everyone else.
It was just us.

450
00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:05,760
We were
Butch Cassidy and Sundance,

451
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,480
Zig and Zag,
Bitty and Miley.

452
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,599
And I'm sure that
that's still there.

453
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,199
Underneath all the shite
we've been through.

454
00:21:18,959 --> 00:21:22,400
It's always been just you and me,
kid, against the world.

455
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:24,959
And I love you.

456
00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:28,879
Oh, that was...

457
00:21:29,919 --> 00:21:31,519
That was really beautiful,
Deirdre.

458
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,199
It's almost like you could have
been talking about

459
00:21:34,239 --> 00:21:37,000
me and Con there. I wasn't
talking about you and Con.

460
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,760
I was talking about
myself and Niall.

461
00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:47,040
We might need backup..
down at Deirdres.

462
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,599
You know, we normally do.

463
00:21:48,639 --> 00:21:50,040
Deirdre's right, boy.

464
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,400
I love you, Jock O'Keefe.

465
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,559
I love you, Conor McSweeney.

466
00:21:58,639 --> 00:21:59,919
Boy.

467
00:22:00,639 --> 00:22:01,839
Sorry.

468
00:22:02,559 --> 00:22:03,720
All good?

469
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,559
You were right.
All right?

470
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,239
I was right?
You were right.

471
00:22:07,879 --> 00:22:09,000
Well, like, not.

472
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,559
Not about kind of the hostages
and lying to the guards

473
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,080
or when you were gonna pick
up the knife and stuff.

474
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,919
You were wrong about all of that.
Sorry.

475
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,559
Just a bit angry from the
PTSD in Columbia.

476
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,639
That's alright. The rope kind
of hurt my wrist. Sorry, boy.

477
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,279
It's okay.
But you were right about me.

478
00:22:25,319 --> 00:22:28,559
Boy,
I'm Connor McSweeney.

479
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,160
Conor of Conor and Jock.

480
00:22:32,879 --> 00:22:36,040
From now on, I'm gonna
be a bad boy forever.

481
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,559
Yes, boy.
Yes, boy!

482
00:22:40,879 --> 00:22:43,440
♪ Bad boy. Bad boy.
What you gonna do?

483
00:22:43,519 --> 00:22:45,639
♪ What you gonna do
when they come for you.

484
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,080
(MUFFLED DIALOGUE)

485
00:22:48,559 --> 00:22:50,559
Why are you-What?
What are you saying?

486
00:22:54,559 --> 00:23:00,000
I was saying, why am I the only
one with a gag in me mouth?

487
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,440
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I was getting to you.

488
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,879
Well, now that I've got your
attention, I've got

489
00:23:03,919 --> 00:23:06,080
something to say.
Huh?

490
00:23:06,639 --> 00:23:08,559
I love you too, Deirdre.

491
00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:13,120
And your little speech has
given me a raging boner.

492
00:23:13,599 --> 00:23:15,319
Wow.

493
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:18,080
We're not your enemies, boys.
No.

494
00:23:18,239 --> 00:23:21,199
Who are the enemies around here?
The guards.

495
00:23:21,519 --> 00:23:23,559
The guards.
We hate them.

496
00:23:23,599 --> 00:23:27,000
We hate them.
I despise them bastards.

497
00:23:27,279 --> 00:23:29,639
If you hate the guards
as much as us.

498
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,040
We do.
We do.

499
00:23:31,519 --> 00:23:32,879
Maybe you could help us.

500
00:23:33,839 --> 00:23:35,800
We're surrounded by them,
lads.

501
00:23:35,839 --> 00:23:40,720
We might be surrounded,
but I have a plan.

502
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:43,279
One, two, three.

503
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,480
Niall, is that you!
Of course it's me.

504
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,080
WHISPER: Have you got away
from the hostage takers?

505
00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,639
Hostage takers?

506
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,040
You idiots.

507
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,400
There are no hostage takers here.

508
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,800
That was just me doing a voice.

509
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,959
There's no way that was
you doing a voice.

510
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:09,559
Of course it was.

511
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,160
CORK TWANG: This is me
doing it again now.

512
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,160
And this is my normal voice.

513
00:24:17,559 --> 00:24:19,959
And this is me doing
the voice again.

514
00:24:20,599 --> 00:24:22,919
And this is me
in my normal voice.

515
00:24:23,959 --> 00:24:26,360
Why were you wasting
our time doing all that?

516
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:27,760
If you're telling the truth,

517
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:28,800
Can I just come in and
have a look?

518
00:24:28,839 --> 00:24:33,080
No, no, no. I'm afraid
Deirdre's in one of her moods.

519
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,720
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
If I could just have a look.

520
00:24:35,879 --> 00:24:38,319
No, I'm afraid you can't.
You know what?

521
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,279
I'll rip your head off and use
it as a piss pot,

522
00:24:42,319 --> 00:24:44,519
you fat wanker.
Go!

523
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,959
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

524
00:24:48,599 --> 00:24:50,839
Everyone knows you're an asshole.

525
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:52,440
Deirdre, stop that!

526
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,239
I will not stop it,
you little arse.

527
00:24:54,279 --> 00:24:57,480
(SHOUTING AND CLATTERING)
GAURD: Deirdre this energy

528
00:24:57,559 --> 00:25:00,279
was fine when you were
a camogie player, but not now.

529
00:25:01,959 --> 00:25:03,559
It's gonna be a long run home.

530
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:09,319
Yeah, we even know
where we are running?

531
00:25:09,559 --> 00:25:10,680
South- Cork is south.

532
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,800
I'll get you- ya dirty...
(CRASH)

533
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,800
A fella I met in prison once told
me that love makes you soft

534
00:25:17,839 --> 00:25:19,720
in the head and
strong in the heart.

535
00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:23,000
If Niall and Deirdre,
anything to go by.

536
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,160
Love just makes you
angry and pissed off.

537
00:25:26,279 --> 00:25:27,720
But maybe that's okay.

538
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,800
If you can scream at each other,

539
00:25:29,839 --> 00:25:31,839
tie each other up
and still run off

540
00:25:31,879 --> 00:25:34,760
into the sunset,
you might just be soulmates.

541
00:25:34,919 --> 00:25:37,000
Either that or
fucking psychopaths.

542
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:40,480
Oh, no.

543
00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:42,919
(MOANING)

544
00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,199
Do you mind?

545
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,919
We're getting our hole here.

546
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,480
Can I just go for
a wee before we go?

547
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,480
(EXCLAIMS)
Yes, Jock, yes! You're home boy!

548
00:25:57,199 --> 00:25:59,480
Yes, boy!

549
00:25:59,639 --> 00:26:01,440
Home at last.

550
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:06,040
You're back.
I'm back, boy.

551
00:26:06,279 --> 00:26:08,599
(EXCITED EXCLAIMS)

552
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,599
Let's show Cork
what it was missing kid.

553
00:26:16,639 --> 00:26:18,239
What, you live here now?
Yeah. Cause of Noel.

554
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,279
Noel? Who? Who's Noel, boy?
My brother.

555
00:26:21,519 --> 00:26:23,000
You've a brother?

556
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:24,879
You hide.

557
00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:29,000
Where the hell have you been?

558
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,720
You're supposed
to be babysitting.

559
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,919
(EXCLAIM)
Hi, how are you Mairead?

560
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,519
Jock! I got you these.
Look.

561
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,120
Colombia. Good to see ya.

562
00:26:41,319 --> 00:26:43,839
You can get these in the
Centra down the road.

563
00:26:44,879 --> 00:26:45,959
Really?
We're late.

564
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,800
We gotta go. That's for making
him cry. Oh, Jesus.

565
00:26:48,839 --> 00:26:50,559
That's for going
to a Colombian prison.

566
00:26:50,599 --> 00:26:52,319
All right?
Jesus.

567
00:26:52,639 --> 00:26:54,879
Psycho still is she?
Nice dresses, lads.

568
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,120
(BABY CRIES)