There comes a point in every young person's life
when you get to say, "Mam, thanks for all the support.
"You've done a great job rearing me, I'm now a fully developed
"human being, and ready to contribute to society."
According to Mam, myself and Jock haven't quite got there, though.
It's not as bad as it looks.
Not as bad as it looks?
You two have been sponging off me for years while I've been
working my ass off trying to keep you on the straight and narrow,
and all the while you've been leading double lives
as famous masked criminals who the local lunatic wants to murder
and who the local Gardai have a vendetta against?
When you put it like that, it does actually sound pretty cool.
Ah, Jesus! Jesus!
That's child abuse, that's what that is.
Yeah. All right, we won't tell on you if you don't tell us, so...
Our lips are sealed.
Are you tried to blackmail me on top of everything else?
No, no, we don't do blackmail.
Yeah. Tried it, but it's not profitable.
Turns out people just don't care what pictures of them
are on the internet any more. Yeah.
I'd like to make an appointment for my two troubled boys.
Don't listen to her, we're fine! We're grand!
I'm not going to no quack.
She's not a quack, she's Ireland's top psychologist
and she specialises in teenage fuck-ups like the two of ye!
Hello?
Oh, no, next month would be far too late, I'm afraid.
They will be beyond rescuing at that point, I fear!
Get the phone, Con!
Yes! Yes, we'll be there. We'll be there.
I am ever so grateful.
She will see us next Tuesday.
Ha!
9.00am, and her office is in Dublin,
so we need to go up the night before.
You can't make us go.
Everything in my head is so carefully organised,
I can't just have someone walk in and move everything around.
Sending me there will be a complete waste of money.
I mean, a fucking two-year-old could tell you the reason I'm messed up
is because me mam's dead and me da's a prick.
There, done, I'm fixed.
The only way that I have been getting through every day
of what has been a very hard life for me is believing that one day,
when ye grow up, I can look at ye with pride
and I can say that I helped ye get there.
But right now, when I picture ye grown up,
all I see is ye in prison.
I can't do this on my own any more, I can't.
I need help.
So either ye come with me...
..or you move out of the house.
There was no need for that.
A bag of sweets would have got us in the car.
Here, Jock, fucking fart now, don't be farting in the car.
I won't fart.
Here, this is the furthest I'll ever have been outside Cork. What? Yeah.
Here, where are we staying when we get there? Bagsy hotel!
Well, I booked us into Casey's B&B - it's about an hour outside Dublin.
It says here on Tripadvisor Casey's B&B only has one star.
Well, that means someone's already stayed there,
so it can't be that bad.
All right.
Jock and me once tried to give up smoking fags
and we lasted seven minutes.
Giving up stealing bikes should be a piece of piss
compared to that.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY
Stop that!
Why? Sure, I'm just looking.
Yeah. Just because we're looking at the menu
doesn't mean we're going to order anything.
All right, here's a challenge.
Try not to do anything illegal for the next 24 hours,
while we're on this road trip, yeah? Grand.
How are we supposed to know what's illegal?
Everyone knows what's illegal.
OK, well, let's start with a pop quiz.
Is stealing illegal?
That depends who it's from.
Yeah, grey area.
No, it's not. All stealing is illegal.
Even stealing from the internet? Pirate movies, like?
Yeah. What about stuff you can't hold?
Like what?
You stole my heart, Mairead.
Ah, fuck off, Jock.
I love you. Shut up.
I love you, Mairead.
Here, Mam.
Will you give us some money for ice cream?
All that stealing and you've nothing to show for it?
Well, we had a lot of overheads, like.
Come on, give us a euro. No way.
A euro? No!
Er, I have to go for a piss now.
Me, too.
The way me and Jock see it,
there are only three places that teenagers can get money.
From your Mam, who has fuck all of it, from stealing,
which apparently is a big no-no, and, finally,
the grey area between stealing and being given the money.
You want me to take care of that for you?
The queue into the shop's fucking massive.
OK, thanks.
Cheers, we'll get that for you.
Lovely car.
Bye-bye. All the best to you now.
There you are. See you later on.
Would you like a Cornetto or a Magnum White?
Er...
Cornetto, please.
Wait a minute, where did you get them from?
Relax, they're paid for. With what?
Money.
Here's some change - put that towards the trip.
Where'd you get this money from?
Some man in the garage just give us a tenner.
I think he mistook us for fuel pump attendants. Yeah.
And you didn't correct him?
That's... That's actually stealing.
How is that stealing?
He give us ten euro, he didn't specify what it was for,
then he drove away without paying for his petrol.
If anyone's stealing, I'd say it was your man.
Wouldn't you, Jock? I agree with you.
I mean, it was pretty stupid of the man to give ten euros
to two complete strangers,
particularly given what we look like.
But that's not the point, it is still stealing.
If you care so much where the ice creams came from,
you don't have to eat it, Mairead.
Stick to your principles. Here, I'll have it back.
I don't condone what you did.
But I've... I've already licked it, all right?
So it's not like I can bring it back.
All right, boy? How's it going?
How's it going, boy?
I'm starving. Any chance of some food?
Here, have a mint.
Yum! Yum! Look, he's eating it!
Oh, God!
HE LAUGHS, MUTTERS
That's funny.
Do you know what? I was watching a nature programme on the TV
the other day, right? And there was this mother turtle, right?
And she had laid all her eggs in a hole at the top of the beach,
and then all the baby turtles had to make their way down to the sea
without being eaten by birds. OK.
I don't know, just reminded me of the two of ye.
Are we the birds, or are we the baby turtles?
You're the baby turtles.
The birds are just life's obstacles being thrown in your way.
Our house IS a hole, so...
Our house isn't a hole. It...
It's just...
Ye're in the hole, yeah?
And now all these hungry birds have come along
and they're trying to eat ye.
Why wouldn't we just stay in the hole? Yeah.
Because there's no food in the hole for ye.
When Mama Turtle gets back from work, she'll have a big bag
of shopping and she'll fill up the fridge.
Unfortunately, Mama Turtle has gone off to another island
and she's not coming back.
Why didn't you tell me I had ice cream on my face?
We didn't want to interrupt your turtle story.
Hello?
Hiya. We've booked a room under MacSweeney.
But there are three of you.
Yeah, there's a double bed and a single bed in one room.
That is correct.
There are two beds in the room. It is a two-person room.
But a double bed and a single bed implies three people, does it not?
No, it doesn't. It implies that, if you are a couple, you get to choose
if you'd like to sleep in the double bed.
If you're not a couple, you do not have to sleep together.
You have booked a two-person room.
If there are three of you, you will have to book another room.
House "wules".
Well, I'm not booking a second room.
I'll pay a little bit extra for the third person to go into one room,
if that's what it takes. I'm afraid that won't work.
You will be paying for two breakfasts with the two-person room.
We can't have three people in a room with only two breakfasts.
Well, then, we won't have any breakfast.
But it's a B&B - that means bed and breakfast.
A... J... SHE MUTTERS
Just give me a sec, all right? Mm-hm.
What are we going to do? Don't worry about it, all right?
I've got a plan. Just go along with it, OK?
So, would you like me to check you into a second room?
No, thank you.
We'll stay with the one room and I would rather sleep in the car
than give you any more money, thank you very much.
Suit yourself.
But we don't allow the vagrants sleeping in our car park.
You'll have to park and sleep somewhere else.
House "wules".
Just move, let me in.
Quick, before he sees.
Why are you coming in this way? Because...
Just... What are you...?
Jesus! Let me do it myself!
Oh!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hi.
What was that noise?
I... I think it come from next door.
OK. Well, keep it down.
House "wules".
We're fine.
Here, what if he hears us tonight?
He won't.
I have a question, actually. Yes, Jock?
Isn't this stealing?
Yeah.
No.
That B&B fella owner is a prick.
And, besides, he tried stealing from us by making us pay
for a second room, so, you know, it balances out.
Ah!
Oh, yeah!
God, I could murder a drink.
Ye can't be hungover at the psychologist's office
tomorrow morning, all right?
Just one drink.
DRUNKEN MURMURING
Hiya.
How much have you drank already?
ALL: Just the one.
MAN SINGS IN BACKGROUND I'm just saying,
I'm not convinced that therapy is the answer to all our problems.
Like, I mean, this is fairly therapeutic in itself, isn't it?
Maybe we should just go out and drink some more, like.
They say drinking just stops all your problems.
To be honest, I don't know why people don't drink more often.
SHE BELCHES
It's just that people who think they don't need therapy
are always the ones who need therapy the most.
Oh, we need therapy definitely, don't we, Jock?
Oh, yeah. I need therapy really, really bad.
Oh, wait. If we both think we need therapy,
doesn't that mean we don't need therapy?
Oh, yeah!
Hey! No therapy!
Nice try, nice try.
♪ Coming back again... ♪
Here, boy.
Will you play a song that we all know now?
I don't do covers.
Boy, they're easy, I'll show you right now.
I'm done, I'm going home.
Have you got soft fingers, is that what it is, yeah?
I don't have soft fingers.
Here, just play the chord that's a triangle
and then play the one that's not a triangle.
All chords that look like triangles or not triangles. Which one?
If I sing, will you be able to just figure it out?
Grand.
I've never hear him sing.
HE EXHALES
This one's for you, Mam.
Thanks for always being there for us when we fuck up.
♪ I have fallen down so many times
♪ Don't know why, don't know where
♪ Don't care less, it's all the same
♪ I have travelled through so many towns
♪ Don't know why, don't know where
♪ Don't care less, it's all the same
♪ How can I protect you in this crazy world?
♪ It's all right
♪ Yeah, it's all right... ♪
HE VOCALISES
ALL: ♪ Can you hear the sound of nothing? ♪
Huh?
♪ Nothing's right, nothing's wrong
♪ Don't care less, it's all the same
♪ How can I protect you in this crazy world...?
Come on!
♪ It's all right
♪ Yeah, it's all right
♪ How can I protect you in this...
♪ ..crazy world?
♪ It's all right... ♪
What are you doing in here?
Just making sure there are only two of you in this two-person bedroom.
All right. Yeah.
Well, now that you've made sure, do you mind leaving
and being creepy somewhere else?
KNOCK AT WINDOW
Let me in before that prick of a dickhead bollocks B&B owner sees me.
Shit.
Too late.
That prick of a dickhead bollocks B&B owner sees you.
Oh, good evening, sir.
SHE SNIGGERS
You may find this funny, but running a B&B is a tough business.
I barely make enough for my family to live off and it's people like you
trying to steal free accommodation that will bring me to bankruptcy.
Sorry, I'll...
..I'll pay for another room.
We don't do check-ins after 9:30pm.
But, just so you don't think I'm unreasonable,
there's no need for you to move your car.
You can sleep in our car park.
By the way, letting your children drink under the legal age...
I won't report you this time.
Sorry.
No singing - House "wules".
"House wules."
THEY CHUCKLE
"House wules." "House wules."
SHE VOMITS
SHE SPITS
SHE MOANS AND URINATES
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop...
Ah...
KNOCK ON WINDOW
HE GRUNTS
WHISPERS: Fucking arseholes.
Can we make this quick? You're letting all the cool air in.
Ah, good morning, Mairead.
I had the best sleep of my life.
Hmm.
You look very tired.
Get your stuff. We are leaving - now.
We've paid for bed and breakfast.
Now! Breakfast. It's house "wules", Mam.
I'd go back again. Yeah.
Ah... It stinks of vomit and piss.
Were you the only one who stayed in here last night?
Of course I was only one who stayed in here last night.
Who else would want to stay in here last night?
That smell of vomit and piss is yours?
Yep. Best night of my life.
Come here. I need to get baby wipes, a public jacks
and a sausage sandwich in that order.
Open the gates. We're getting out of here. Come on.
Oh, bollocks.
We received a call that you may be attempting to drive
while over the legal limit.
Fucking dickhead.
What's that smell? Did you piss yourself?
No, guard, no.
I just SPILLED some piss on myself, that's all.
Don't worry - it doesn't measure bad breath, just alcohol levels.
Yo! Dickhead!
Look over here, you dickhead!
I'm not a dickhead. Yeah, you are!
Chase us! Come on, chase us! I had your mam!
You did not.
Oh, yeah, I had your mother, too, and she was very disappointing.
Oh, yeah, yeah! HIGH-PITCHED MOANING
Would you fuck off?
Come on, just fucking chase us, will you?! I'm not a chasing guard.
Now, get lost before I call the guards.
You ARE a guard.
More guards, then!
What do we do?
Here, look! Eh? Eh? I'll do it!
Oh, Jock!
You wouldn't dare. He would. He loves smashing things.
He smashes things all the time.
You do that and you're going to get guaranteed prison time.
All right, all right, I won't do it.
Sorry.
On some occasions, when it comes to breaking the law,
you've got to use your own judgment as to what's the right thing to do.
Right, I'm going to chase you and I'm going to catch you!
Come back here! You are in big, big trouble!
And this was definitely one of them occasions
when Mam would have no problem agreeing with us.
Oh, look who's coming here. Look.
Hello, ding-dong, what time is this, like?
Here, look, I got you a sausage sandwich, baby wipes
and here's the key to the jacks.
Drop it back into the shop when you're done, all right?
Just as you requested.
Er, excuse me, are you forgetting something?
Forgetting something?
How about, er, "Thank you, Conor and Jock, for helping me
"with that guard"?
"Thank you"? Yeah, "Thank you." Yeah, "Thank you."
"Thank you"? Our pleasure.
"Thank you"?
It's all right now. It's done. Forget about it. "Thank you"?!
Yeah, OK, you can...you can stop now. You're embarrassing me now.
"Thank you"?! That's the last one now, OK? No more thank yous.
I'll give you a fucking thank-you!
Thank you for making me the accessory to the destruction
of garda property, thank you for proving to me that the little voice
in my head was fucking right, that I am only capable of raising
two fuck-ups, and thank you for wasting my fucking life raising you!
Give me that, ye little shit! You were the one who was drink-driving!
If it weren't for us, you'd be getting prosecuted, you'd be losing
your licence, facing a massive fine and getting some prison time.
Would you rather we just didn't help you?
Just wait in the car, all right?
Everyone knows from watching movies that the key to beating
a psychologist in a therapy session is to keep your mouth shut
and let them do all the talking.
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
Look... Hello, everyone?
Everyone, please, just one voice at a time, yes?
So... No, Mairead, let them speak. You'll have your turn later.
Thank you. Thank you.
Now...
Mam is just angry because she is fully aware that,
ever since she left Cork,
she has committed more crimes than we have and she doesn't like it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Hippopotamus.
What? What did you call me? Mairead!
Hippopotamus. She tells us we can't do one thing,
then she goes off and does it herself. A hippo.
Crite. Crite. A hypocrite.
Hypo-crate...
I'd like to take a moment to talk about the masks that you both wear.
Our...our masks?
Yeah, the masks that you wear to hide who you really are.
Did you tell her about that? No, I didn't.
Well, someone fucking did, didn't they?
I swear I didn't fucking tell her!
You're not the first people to walk through this door wearing masks.
Really? Oh, yeah, it's very common.
But the more insight I have into these masks,
the more I'll be able to help.
All right, well, the mask I wear is of a little girl.
I wear a little girl's mask.
It's a princess mask.
Do you like having other people doing everything for you?
No. Ha-ha! Yeah! No. Yeah.
No, I don't. Yeah, everything.
And sometimes I actually have to tie his shoelaces in the morning.
The mask that I wear is of a person that kind of frightens me,
frightens me a lot, but then other times he's a friend of mine.
What does that mean?
When you're wearing this mask and you look in the mirror,
do you like what you see?
No, no... Ugly.
You think you're ugly.
No, no, no, no, no.
When I'm wearing the mask, yes.
When I have it off, I'm a handsome fucker.
Sometimes, when I'm with you and you're wearing the mask,
I don't like you as much cos you remind me of him.
And sometimes, when I'm looking at Billy Murphy in real life,
I like him more cos it reminds me of you.
And why does this person, Billy Murphy, remind you of Jock?
Well, it's just, when he wears the mask, he just looks quite like him.
With the mask, with the mask.
It's just a bit scary.
But... I'll just...
Oh, Mam, you don't have to do that. Just shut up.
Oh!
These are your masks? Yeah.
Fake Billy!
How do you...? You know me?
And the princess. Of course. My brother lives in Cork.
He is a massive fan since ye stole his bike.
Oh, Christ almighty! A racer on Patrick's Hill?
See... There's been so many, it's hard to keep track, you know?
Patrick's Hill, we hit up a lot,
then we'll be up on Carlton Street... Yeah.
You gave him three euro for the bus, so he wouldn't have to walk.
We do a lot of that stuff, do you know what I mean?
Like, take a lot, give a little. Ohh!
It's a fucking pleasure!
Lovely to meet you! Absolutely lovely to meet you.
Tell your brother we said hi.
Do you mind if I try it on? Please, be my guest.
Bear in mind, when you put it on, it might be a bit warm,
especially when you're breathing...
Are you for fucking real?!
I didn't come all this way and pay all this money
so you could stroke their egos!
Come on, we're going! Come on, we're going - now.
Mairead, please. Here's the thing.
Your two boys have just come out to you from behind their masks.
Don't you think it's time that you came out
from behind your mask to them?
I'm not wearing a mask.
Yes, you are.
The mask is what we use to hide our true selves from other people.
I know what a fucking mask does.
Then why are you hiding behind that mask that you're wearing?
I'm not wearing a mask! This is my face!
I'm not talking about that face!
I'm talking about your other face, the face in front of that face.
We are here to talk about them and their masks.
They're the ones with the problems.
My only problem is fuckin' fixing their problems!
My only face is this face!
It's not a face! It's a mask!
It's a tough, angry mask, yeah?
Stern, scary eyes, flaring nostrils, teeth tight together,
ready to bite the ear off someone.
That is a mask that says, "I am ready for anything."
But, most importantly, it says, "Don't fuck with my boys
"because I am prepared to put my life on the line for them."
You're a protector, Mairead, that's who you are
and it's an extraordinary quality.
But the problem with wearing masks is that we get used to
wearing them and then they're very hard to take off.
And sometimes a person forgets that they're wearing the mask,
and they leave it on all the time.
A mask, just like the one that you're wearing,
can be exhausting to leave on all the time.
You need to take off the mask and be yourself now and again.
Come on, let's try it.
Take off the mask.
Come on, now.
Take off the mask. Come on, Mairead, take off the mask.
Take off the mask. Come on, Mairead, you can do it.
Just take off the mask. Take off the mask. Take off the mask.
BOTH: Take off the mask.
HE EXHALES
Take off the mask.
HE WHISPERS: She's going to take it off.
Oh, my God. Look at her.
Oh, my God, look at ye!
Where's Mairead? Where's Mairead gone?
That is beautiful.
Wow.
Has someone kidnapped my mam? I'd ride ya.
Jesus Christ!
Get me in there!
We made great progress today, but this is just the beginning.
I think you'll benefit most from my year-long package -
that's 52 sessions for the price of 50.
That comes to the bargain price of 3,900 euro.
Er... What the fuck?
3,900 euro? Yeah.
That... That's stealing, that's what that is. That's actually stealing.
That's actually daylight robbery. Yeah. Did you mean to say that?
We take off your mask and what's left? What's behind it?
A fucking thief.
Here. Put that back on there. Thief.
There we go. Fuckin'... Robbery.
I was thinking more about that story you told us about the baby frogs.
Baby turtles. Yeah, that one.
I was just thinking, we're not really like baby turtles
cos we've got a human mother who's looking after us.
And reptiles don't really give a shit about their children.
See, when we're trapped in that hole,
with no hope of getting back to the sea,
we can rely on you to come back up that dangerous, sandy beach
and scare off all those birds
and just look after us until we're ready to go.
So your story's wrong.
So cute!
How about we go get some ice cream?
Sorry, lads, I don't have a penny on me until I get paid tomorrow.
No. Not that again.
Ah, come on, it'll be fine! No.
It'll be more convincing with you helping.
No. Definitely not. No.
How about this, right?
We pull up, we pull up by the pumps, and we go over to the man and go,
"Hiya, how are you?" And you get out and, you know...?
Flash her tits? Yeah.
What? I'm not flashing my tits for ice cream! We won't look.
♪ How can I protect you in this crazy world?
♪ It's all right
♪ How can I protect you in this crazy world? ♪