This programme contains very strong language
If you're not from Ireland,
here's everything you need to know about the debs.
It's absolute, complete and total, utter debauchery.
Fuck off!
Anything goes. It's dog eat dog,
universally regarded as the best day in your entire life.
HE RETCHES
But, seeing as myself and Jock are now past pupils...
Expelled! Expelled!
You're so, so, so expelled!
..we just have to wait to be invited.
Here, why haven't they invited us yet? It's 13 days to the debs.
Fuck, I know. We're pretty much married to them
and they still haven't popped the question.
I don't care anyway, like, but... Yeah.
Neither do I. ..it's just weird that they haven't asked us.
It's a bit fucking weird all right.
Debs is ridiculous anyway. Fuck that.
So, do you want to come to the debs with us or what?
Erm, when is it? Saturday week.
Are you, Saturday week...? Saturday?
I think we're free that day. We are. Cool.
And...they're...
..gone.
BOTH CHEER EXCITEDLY
BOTH: ♪ We're going to the debs! We're going to the debs! ♪
Whoo! Whoo!
Saying yes to go to someone's debs comes with certain obligations.
I spent nine months incubating this baby
and six months with her hanging off my tit.
I've been hormonal and angry that entire time.
I love this child, but for the last two years,
all I've been hearing is everyone going,
"Oh, she's so special," blah, blah, blah.
I just want one night where I can feel special.
I don't ask for much, OK?
The cost of damage that was caused to my hotel
during your school debs last year far outweighed the profits.
It's up to you to keep the kids under control,
or you'll never have the use of this hotel again.
This year, me and every teacher at the school
will be there supervising.
As I said, you have nothing to worry about.
By the way... SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
..is it true what I heard?
That two of your students pissed on you last year?
HE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
You make it sound like it happened twice.
They both pissed on me at the same time.
PHONE RINGS
Yes, hello. This is about the rats, isn't it?
If they ban us, that'll be every hotel in the county.
Next year's debs would have to be held in the school canteen.
The school will be destroyed.
At least Conor and Jock are expelled.
Imagine if they turned up!
THEY LAUGH Wouldn't that be funny?
Please, please, please!
Stop begging, Dad. We're bringing Conor and Jock.
We'll look like total plebs with no dates.
Plenty of kids dance on their own at the debs. I did.
Didn't do me any harm.
How many friends do you have from secondary school, Barry?
There's, erm...
Yeah, exactly.
This special day that you've both been dreaming of?
It's going to be a disaster. You don't know that. You're not a psychic.
I don't need to be when it comes to the two of them.
They're as predictable as the tide.
Careful! You lobbed me in my eye with that shit!
Relax! It'll grow back.
Why don't you just go to the barber's like normal kids?
On debs day? Fuck that.
Last year, the barbers were so busy, two lads lost their ears.
Linda, what are you using to make your tits look bigger?
Just my tits.
I don't know why you want this stuff on your bodies.
Fake tan is for girls.
That's sexist, that is. Stop being sexist.
Make sure it's nice and even, now. No streaks like last time.
Flip it.
Why do you have to make your...your chests look bigger?
You said you wanted to be a part of our special day,
and part of that special day is making my tits look bigger.
I'll be back in a minute.
Just going to go get a pair of socks so I can shove them down my pants.
Grow up, Barry.
Now, that is looking beautiful.
Well, you look like a very fine pair of young men.
The girls are going to be very pleased to see ye.
All right, all right, quick spot-check.
BOTH: Corsage - check, naggins - check,
fags - check, half a dozen condoms - check.
Jock? Check. Conor? Check.
Have fun. I put on so much spray.
Oh, wait. Hang on a sec.
Now, you two have a good night,
and here's an extra 20 each for you, all right?
Thanks. Thanks. Here we go.
I better go before I get caught talking to that snobby cow Orla.
All right, see ye!
BOTH: Good evening, Mrs Walsh. Here are some flowers for you.
Mairead!
I know you're not dressed for the occasion,
but you're invited, too, for a drink. Come on.
Would you look at ye pair of rides!
Come on in, boys. Thank you.
How wonderful.
Welcome. Thanks so much.
Oh! Oh, OK. We're kissing. All right.
Lads, I want you to drink responsibly tonight.
The key is to take small sips.
JOCK BURPS
Oh, keep them coming, Orla. Some taste of more off that.
Oh, no, thanks. I'm driving.
I got my sister to mind Star for the night,
so us yummy grannies can have a girlie night in.
SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY "Yummy grannies."
Dad! Oh, they're ready.
All right. Don't you two know anything?
All right! They need to make an entrance.
Jock, close your eyes. You, too, Conor. Close your eyes.
Where's...? It's over there.
GLASS SMASHES
Hurry up and make your entrance, girls,
before they fucking destroy the place!
JOCK BURPS
She looks like a pornographic meringue.
You can open them.
You look like someone out of Playboy.
SHE LAUGHS Thanks.
You look amazing. Thanks.
I decided to wear something that's a part of my Nigerian heritage.
Yeah, I got... Yeah, yeah. I mean, your heritage is great, too, like.
I thought we talked about you wearing something normal.
This IS normal.
Well, if that's normal,
I'd hate to think what you were thinking of wearing.
Fuck you, Batman! You'll never catch us!
What's in the giant boxes?
So, these are your corsages.
Please tell me you got the one I sent you a picture of.
The one in the picture was way too tiny.
I mean, you mean more to me than that.
All right, you ready?
♪ Ah! ♪
Where am I going to stick that? On a coffin?
It's my debs, Jock, not my funeral.
Don't panic, girls. Orla Walsh to the rescue.
I'm like Edward Scissorhands when it comes to flowers.
I'd better get back to the hotel,
make sure everything's running smoothly.
I'll see you later, girls. BOTH: Bye, Dad.
SCISSORS CLICK Who's Edward Scissorshands?
Listen, lads, could you do me a favour tonight? Of course. Sure.
Anything. You know that little spark that goes off in your head?
The one that, when the two of you act on it,
normally leads to chaos and destruction?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Please don't do that tonight.
Right. So, you're saying not to have any fun?
If that's what you mean by fun, then, yeah.
You have our word - one boring night coming right up.
OK.
Hey, wait to see what we've got bringing us to the debs.
We know it's a fucking carriage, Jock.
I'm the one who told you to organise it.
How am I supposed to surprise you if you keep on acting like you know what the surprise is going to be?
A surprise is only a surprise when I don't know what's going to happen.
But you've told me exactly what you want to do for the whole night,
so the only way to actually surprise you
is by not doing what you want me to do.
And if I do that, you're going to get pissed off. No, I won't.
OK, so we improvised on the suits. Were you pissed off?
We improvised on the corsages. Were you pissed off?
Did you improvise on the carriage?
No, Your Majesty. Great.
Now, video me looking surprised when it arrives.
Close your eyes. HORSES' HOOVES APPROACH
Oh, my God! What's that sound?
It's the horse and carriage.
I'm pretending to be surprised, so start it again, all right?
Close your eyes.
Oh, my God! You got a horse and carriage!
What the fuck?!
Siobhan, you're pretty good at acting surprised.
Stop filming!
All right, lads? Ladies, you look lovely.
Thank you very much.
What's with the uneven horses?
MUMBLES: Nothing about even horses.
He said you said nothing about even.
I know I'm not a horse expert, like, but this doesn't look right.
We'll just end up going in circles.
The big horse is just for show. The smallest one does all the work.
Excuse me, horse people,
could you just drop us off around the corner from the hotel, please?
We'll never live it down
if everyone from school sees us arrive in that heap of shit.
DANCE MUSIC BLARES Too late for that. Oh, fuck!
LAUGHTER
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
PHONES BEEP
They just posted us to the fucking debs WhatsApp group.
This could possibly be the most humiliating thing
that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Come on, just get in the carriage.
No, let go of the train! SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Yeah, I said they're nice, like. No.
Oh, right. Yeah. After you, my African queen.
And I thank you, my good sir. THEY LAUGH
How do you get into it? Just climb up. It stinks of shit.
That one was taken on vacation in Lanzarote last year.
You can get a suite in a five-star hotel over there
for the price of a three-star here. Really? Mm-hm.
I better leave. I have to, erm, feed the duck.
The duck? Mm-hm.
You're blowing me off for a duck?
Do you really not like me that much?
I don't not like you.
You don't NOT like me means you don't like me.
OK, this is getting a bit weird, so I'm just going to leave
before it gets any weirder, all right? It's...
Too late for that. We're in the middle of weird.
Now, out with it - what's your problem with me?
Do you really want to know? Oh, do share.
You are constantly making out that you are better than me,
bigging yourself up while talking me down
with your fancy, snobby accent and your fancy, snobby clothes
and your fancy, snobby hair and your fancy, frilly, snobby curtains
and your frilly, fucking snobby house.
I talk snobby, yeah?
Dress snobby? Act snobby?
Fine.
I'm just trying to impress you.
I know I overdo it and I can be really annoying...
..but I don't have a lot of friends.
Not ones that aren't assholes, anyway.
Me neither.
You've got make-up on your sleeve.
Would you like a glass of 7.99 sparkling white wine,
which, incidentally, came in a box?
Do you have a pint glass?
CONOR: One of the main advantages of cars over horses
is they have windows to stop your shoes falling out.
Oh, shit! My shoe!
No! No, no! Stop!
Oh, you fucking arsehole! You fucking prick!
It's fine, though. Look, I'm fine.
You've got no shoe. Yeah, but it's grand.
That's what you get for riding in a fucking carriage!
Just help me get down.
Here, you can use my shoe, Cinderella.
Why, thank you very much, Prince Charming.
Well, what does that make me?
Erm, one of her beautiful sisters.
There you go. Thank you very much.
I mean, I like it.
HORSE NEIGHS
What's wrong with the big horse?
She gets travel-sick and she needs to vomit.
I thought horses couldn't vomit.
Well, this one can, and it's like green dishwater.
Oh, shit! I've got something on my dress.
What the f...?
Oh, it's fine. I've picked it off. It's barely noticeable.
You can't stand there. It's my debs. I'll stand wherever the fuck I like.
HORSE GRUNTS
SHE SCREAMS
HORSE WHINNIES Oh, my... Oh, gee!
LAUGHTER
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
HE COUGHS
Fuck my life!
Let's not blow this out of proportion, now. You're fine.
Just shut up and help me clean this up!
Erm...tissues.
SHE SCREAMS
SHE COUGHS It's not actually that bad.
What are they doing here? Who? Conor and Jock.
They're just two innocent lads that happen to be my daughters' dates.
Traitor! Are they the expelled pissers who pissed on your pants?
BOTH SHOUT AGGRESSIVELY
If you can't stop them from pissing on you,
how are you going to stop them from pissing on my hotel carpet?
THEY CHUCKLE
Why did you keep your debs dress AND your wedding dress?
Sentimental value.
The day I lost my virginity.
The day Barry lost his virginity.
SHE LAUGHS
We'll just get it sorted. We'll sort this inside, OK,
as soon as we get in? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You two, you're not coming in.
DANCE MUSIC BLARES IN DISTANCE
Don't worry, girls. We got this.
All right, we're going. Right, see you later.
Ooh! THEY GROAN
Fuck! He's like an ox!
We're wearing him down, boy. Come on, he's getting tired.
THEY PANT
I warned the girls their night would be a disaster
if they went to the debs with you two,
and you've proven to be 100% predictable.
Oh, predictable? Us? Yes, you.
All right, if we're so predictable,
did you know we were going to do, erm...?
Did you know we were going to do this?
Girls, get inside.
No, they're staying with us.
Come on, boys. Do the right thing.
Fuck this. Come on, Linda. No. Wait, wait, wait.
Everything's going to be fine. No, it's not going to be fucking fine!
Do you know how people look at me now I have a baby?
Like I'm a freak.
This was meant to be my one night of being special,
and this is what I get?
If you can't even get one night right,
what do I have to look forward to with you as my boyfriend?
Fuck you, Siobhan.
Enjoy the debs. I hope you find someone to dance with.
Yeah, well, there's plenty to choose from.
Come on, Linda. DANCE MUSIC BLARES
SHE MOUTHS
PHONE BEEPS Wait, my phone. Wait a second.
Oh, fuck's sake. He's fucking langers drunk.
Who? Oh.
I know what you're thinking, right?
"When will that annoying prick Tony ever leave me alone?"
And the answer is never. HE LAUGHS
Have I made you smile yet?
Come on. Let's get drunk together.
Oh, I'm already drunk, but you can catch up.
What are you doing? "On my way."
Well, we're not staying here all night.
Come on, on three.
SHE LAUGHS One, two, three.
SHE SCREAMS Fuck!
SHE LAUGHS
Fuck them! Yeah, fuck them! Debs is ridiculous.
Did you hear that? Predictable - us?
What we need to do now is just do something completely unpredictable.
And we can be unpredictable, boy. Yeah.
The only reason they're not letting us in
is cos they think we're going to do some kind of damage.
To show them, we just do absolutely nothing.
Yeah. Yeah, they'd never expect that.
We just go home. We just go home in silent protest.
What are you going to fucking wipe your asses with now, eh? Dickheads.
HE MUTTERS ANGRILY
THEY GROAN
HE SLURS DRUNKENLY
Hey, put your hands in the air, motherfuckers! It's the Five-O!
Hey! Hey! Is this normal? Yeah, yeah, he gets like that.
Do you know what we need?
We need pills and a party.
What's that? What did you say?
Maybe... Maybe just a party. Maybe just a party.
SHE SNIGGERS
Why don't I arrange a police escort for you?
Ooh! Where to?
HE SLURS DRUNKENLY
MAIREAD SINGS
DANCE MUSIC BLARES Come on,
let's clean the horse vomit off of you.
SHE SCREAMS
SHE SOBS
PARTYGOER: Lovely shade of green on you, Siobhan.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
Just move on. Stinking! Clear the way, thank you.
PHONES BEEP
You've got snot coming out of your nose.
I don't care any more. It's starting to bubble.
I know you wanted this night to be special,
but I don't think it'll be the same without Conor and Jock.
I know they can be incredibly annoying and silly...
And stupid and pains in the hole! Yeah.
But they're OUR stupid, silly, annoying pains in the holes, right?
SHE LAUGHS Let's clean you up a bit.
LOUD CRACK Ow!
Shit. What the fuck are you doing?
Relax, it's biodegradable. What are you doing here?
Sorry.
Whatever, like. Come on, let's go home.
It's not good enough, Siobhan. Then what?
What do you want me to say, like?
Erm, how about, "Sorry for being a stupid, fucking selfish asshole?"
Sorry for being a stupid, fucking selfish asshole.
"The horse and carriage, albeit a little unconventional,
"was actually a great novelty."
The horse and carriage, albeit a little unconventional,
was actually a great novelty.
"I know it wasn't your fault that the horse threw up on me,
"so I'm sorry for blaming you."
It wasn't your fault the horse threw up on me,
so I'm sorry for blaming you.
"I'll stop giving out to you for picking your nose."
I'm only apologising for things that are relative to tonight.
Fair enough.
Being there without you just didn't feel right.
Yeah. No, I know what you mean.
With everybody shifting everyone else,
you'd probably look like a total loser on your own.
Just so you know, all right, I wouldn't have minded
if you had to shift someone else so as not to look like a loser.
Cos it's your debs and I want it to be special for you.
That's so sweet.
All right, one last thing.
"I'll make this up to you..."
I'll make this up to you...
"..by dancing with you."
..by dancing with you tonight. No, no, no, but not here.
On the dance floor at the debs like you always wanted.
Right, up, up, up, up, up.
Here!
We're coming. Jesus, slow down! There we go.
You're supposed to wiggle your way through. I am.
Ah, my balls. I am!
HE GROANS
He's all yours. Ah! What's wrong with you? It's my balls.
Your balls are tiny. It doesn't matter.
Ah! My lace is stuck in the latch. Pull me back.
The other way! Ah!
Nice one, Kev. No bother.
THEY CHAT EXCITEDLY
DANCE MUSIC BLARES
PARTYGOER: Go on, Aoife! Go on, Aoife!
DANCE MUSIC STOPS
BAND PLAYS
Hold the music.
BAND STOPS PLAYING
PARTYGOERS: How did they get in? They're dopes. Go home, lads.
The music isn't starting until the two of you leave.
Lads, just fuck off.
Come on, just one dance with our ladies on the night of their debs.
Then we'll go.
All right, kick it! One, two, three!
BAND BEGINS TO PLAY Don't start!
Don't listen to her, boy. You're musicians.
No-one tells you what to do.
You play one note and that'll be the last time
you ever work in this hotel. Understood?
Fuck her, boy! She's not the boss of you.
She actually is the boss of us. We're hotel staff.
Oh.
For the benefit of everyone else here...
..would you not just leave?
Not until we dance.
You'll find it hard to dance without music.
PARTYGOER: Ah, go away!
May I have this dance?
PARTYGOERS: Aw!
I would be honoured.
Shall we? We shall.
I love you.
No matter how your debs night turns out,
it's always going to be a special one.
It's the one night that brings us all together.
It's the one night when everyone deserves a dance.
Sit. Guys, I need... Now, sit.
THEY LAUGH
This is a raid! GASPING
No, I'm only joking. Keep fucking dancing.
CHEERING
Let's party at the raid!
One, two, three. BAND PLAYS
All right, boys! Give us a hug. Come on!
CONOR: And it's the one when you should stop thinking about
what everyone else thinks... Do you know what?
Stick your hotel up your hole.
We'll have the debs at the school next year.
..and just enjoy yourself.
If you don't stop playing, that is your P45!
♪ Days, they go by
♪ And you're always there at my side
♪ Girl, I'm glad you're mine
♪ There are times I get distracted, girl
♪ By the ways and workings of this world
♪ But I think of you as my life's shrine
♪ And I'm glad that I'm yours
♪ And you're mine
♪ When I'm far from home and lonely
♪ And I think about my life
♪ I think about you
♪ All the little things that you do
♪ And I'm glad you're mine
♪ There are times I get distracted, girl
♪ By the ways and workings of this world
♪ But I think of you as my life's shrine
♪ And I'm glad that I'm yours
♪ And you're mine. ♪