This programme contains strong language from the start.
No matter what grown-ups say, being young is for dickheads
cos you've got fuck-all independence.
That's why meself and Jock decided to move out of home
to somewhere fancier like...
Spain. Spain?
Spain. Like, definitely Spain? Yeah, boy.
It's what all Irish people do when they become adults.
You go abroad and make a name for yourself.
Bono did it. Daniel Day... Daniel Day whatever his name is, you know?
Oscar fella.
Barack Obama done it.
Barack Obama's not Irish, though.
Course he fucking is, boy.
O'Bama.
Or his... Or his mam was or something,
but all the best people in the world come from Ireland.
Why are we leaving, then?
Boy...take a look around.
We've outgrown this place.
Cork's got nothing left for us.
Yeah, boy, you're right. And Spain's way bigger than Cork.
It's perfect, right?
It's hot over there. Yeah.
English is the main language. Yeah.
And we can run a bar. All the Irish run the bars in Spain.
Yeah, it's just we've never actually ran a bar though before.
But, Con, everyone that runs a bar
at some point didn't used to run a bar.
That's an excellent point.
We send money over to Star every week. Yeah.
To Siobhan, Linda, everyone,
and then invite them all over to a mansion.
They would be fucking so proud, boy!
We need to make a proper, proper adult plan. Proper, like. Proper.
We've got to book flights.
Yeah.
Get sunscreen.
Flip-flops.
Aye, it's going to take a lot of work, actually. Yeah.
Wee good bit of work.
But we can do that. We can do it, boy.
No problemo, Escobar.
Escobar, Pablo Escobar.
Yeah, I might call myself a different name over there. Oh, yeah?
People won't know me. What would they call you?
Jocke. Jocke?
Jocke. Jocke and Conrad.
Conrad and Jocke.
That'd be class. Conrad and Jocke's Pub.
Conrad and Jocke's Pints...
BOTH: And Shot-es. THEY LAUGH
Yes! Manana, manana.
Adios, amigos. Manana.
Adios, Cork, boy. Manana.
You've to learn something else, you can't just keep saying manana.
Dos cervezas, por favor.
Aye? Yeah, I guess.
All right. OK, see you in a bit.
Hey, Conor and Jock want us to come over to their house.
They have some surprise for us.
Holy fucking shit!
They've all the money from the boxing bet!
They're probably after buying us something fucking amazing!
Please be new shoes, please be new shoes... Come on!
No fucking way. You're not moving to Spain.
All right, this isn't like a thing
that we just plucked out of thin air.
We've given it a lot of thought. And we've got a plan.
We're going to run a bar.
In Spain.
That's it?
And we've made up our minds as well. You can't talk us out of it.
We're nearly adults now,
so we're going to start taking care of ourselves.
You're not fit to take care of yourselves. We are fit.
I can do 20 sit-ups in one go,
if Jock's holding my feet.
I don't think that's what she means, boy.
And what happens if you two dickheads get in trouble, then?
How am I supposed to hop on a plane and save the day?
Er, who says we're going to get in trouble?
Conor, how many times last week did you call me
to dig you out of a fucking hole?
Six. Are you including the time
when we got caught smoking in the swimming pool?
About seven. Seven times.
In one week.
That's a return flight every day.
How do you fucking think I'd manage that?
BANGING
What's that?
Billy!
Yes, Mairead?
All right, lads?
Could you hold the banging for two fucking seconds?
Fix the washing machine, don't fix the washing machine.
You know, sometimes, Mairead, you can be a bit fucking mental.
I never asked you to fix the washing machine, I just said it was broken
and now you're hammering the shit out of it. You're welcome.
And before you ask, the washing machine
is the magic box in the corner that cleans all your clothes.
We're moving out, all right. It's time.
Adios.
Conor, if I thought that you were capable of all this,
of, like, booking...
PHONE RINGS Sorry.
SINGSONGY: Hello?
Billy Murphy's phone. Billy Murphy speaking.
Yes.
OK.
Thank you for telling me.
Billy! Jesus Christ! Billy!
You all right? Get up. Get up, Billy.
Get up. You all right there?
Oh... You OK, Billy?
Course I am. Why wouldn't I be?
Because of that m-massive banger on your head.
That's nothing and I'll use it
to head-butt anybody who disagrees with me, OK?
Do you know what, Billy? Why don't you just sit down for a bit?
No, I'm all right, Mairead.
It's nothing.
I've just got somewhere I've got to be.
Er, just... Fucking one second. Lads, a hand here.
If them pricks touch me,
I'm going to batter them into a tiny little squishy piece of shit.
BUZZER SOUNDS
Er, that's the door. I'll go check who's at the door, right?
Never mind the fucking door.
Billy, we're just trying to help you, all right?
I don't need your help.
I've just got somewhere I've got to be.
Jock's right, Billy, we're just trying to help you.
Just wait a minute, all right? Just...
One minute for you, Mairead,
not them pricks.
And then I'm off. I've just got somewhere...
You've got to be. I know, you keep saying it.
BUZZER SOUNDS AGAIN Just don't let him fucking move.
Fuck's sake...
What's going on, Healy? Now is not a good time.
♪ Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do!
♪ Take a parachute and jump
♪ You can't stay here forever
♪ When everyone else is gone
♪ Being all alone won't seem that clever
♪ Take a parachute and go... ♪
What the fuck?
Hey, Billy?
Here, look. How many fingers am I holding up, Billy?
Get those fingers out of my face
or I'll snap them off and feed them to Jock.
All right, sorry, sorry!
Fucking hell...
SINGING OUTSIDE
♪ Don't look out for you... ♪
What's that...
..awful old-fashioned noise?
♪ I'll make it simple for you... ♪
Oh, God, no!
Mairead MacSweeney, would you do me the honour...?
What's going on?
Can you just give me one minute, fellas, please?
Healy, now is not a good time.
When is there going to be a better time than
when I'm down on one knee on your doorstep with a barbershop quartet?
They're barbers as well?
Lads, could I get a quick trim after? I'm due a haircut.
Guys, could you please go and check on Billy, now?
Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah.
Fuck!
Go, go, go, go.
Mairead MacSweeney, would you do me the honour...?
Sorry, Mam... Oh, for fuck's sake.
Billy's gone. What do you mean, he's gone?
He's gone out the back door, like. Oh, God!
Wait, what?
Oh, shit!
If anything happens to Billy, it's your fault.
How is it our fault? You two let him leave. It's on ye.
Hang on, you're ignoring me for Billy fucking Murphy?
He's after hitting his head.
Billy Murphy's always hitting his head.
Oh, God.
Will you marry me, Mairead?
Jesus, Tony!
Right, lads, find Billy, keep him safe.
I'm going to get my car, we'll get into the hospital.
You call me when you find him, all right? Yes, Mam.
Just get out.
Now, will you fuck off, like? I'm busy.
See, this is why I love you, Mairead, cos you're strong,
caring, determined, you know exactly what you want.
Will you marry me? No, I won't.
You see, this is why I hate you, Mairead,
because you're pig-headed, frustrating, single-minded.
HE SIGHS
I love you, Mairead!
Did you see what Healy was doing?
Shut up, I don't want to talk about it.
Here, wait, did you see a madman with a big fucking banger
on his head and a mental look on his face around here?
Billy Murphy went that way.
Sound.
Here, boy, do you know, if your mam does marry Healy...
She's not going to marry Healy!
..you're going to have to start calling him Dad.
Look, did you see her face, all right?
It wasn't exactly the look of fucking love.
Yeah, boy, have you ever seen a married couple before?
Marriage is a fine balance between love and hate.
That's the whole point, I think, otherwise it gets boring.
Yeah, well, Mam's life isn't boring, right, cos she's got the two of us.
But will you think about this? If your mam marries Healy
then she'll have someone else to worry about other than us.
Then we can do whatever we want,
like go to Spain.
There's Billy. Come on.
♪ If the wind don't catch you, I will
♪ I will... ♪
Are you not picking up on the fucking vibe here, lads?
We need to talk, Mairead. Not now.
All right, I'm coming with you.
Billy! What do you two pricks want?
Here, we need to get your head looked at.
You two need to get YOUR fucking heads looked at.
I've just got somewhere I've got to be.
Yeah? Well, we need to get you sorted
because there's somewhere we've got to be too.
Where the fuck have you got to be?
Spain.
Spain? In...Spain?
Yes, Spain in Spain, where else?
What with global warming, you two would be fried like a fucking crisp.
Have you never heard of sun cream, Billy?
Yeah, and you're going to put that all over your pale, puny bodies
four times a day?
You don't need to do that here.
All right, well, while you tell us how wrong we are,
why don't we get that banger on your head looked at by a doctor?
You're not going to stop me again.
And if ye try to stop me again, I'm going to batter ye.
Do ye understand? Yeah. Yeah.
What now?
It's either getting a beating off Billy or a bollocking off Mam.
Mairead.
Seat belt.
I'm just looking after you.
All right, that's what I do.
And that's what I want to do for the rest of our lives because...
..I love you.
And what about you being needy or controlling
or a fucking pig when we lived together?
Oh, well, that's really nice.
Yeah, remind me to never ask you for a reference.
There's something really unnatural about walking towards Billy Murphy.
It goes against every instinct.
Normally, everyone is running in the opposite direction to him.
Billy did say he didn't want us following him again.
He's just saying that, Conor, trust me. Here, Billy, Billy!
Billy, Billy! Just wait there, boy.
All right, I know you said for us not to come and talk to you but...
Oh!
I warned ye!
JOCK AND CONOR GASP AND COUGH
Would you stop ringing the doorbell?
If they were in, they would have answered by now.
You don't have to ring 78 times.
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh... Ugh...
Linda, we're a little busy at the moment.
Can we call you back in a bit?
No, you can't ring us back.
Where's our big surprise?
Tell Jock I want my big surprise!
I think Billy's going to the shopping centre.
How about we meet you at the shopping centre and, yeah,
we'll talk then?
Whatever they've got us must be massive
cos they can't even bring it outside the shopping centre. I know!
What now? We call Mam. Sure, she'll know how to handle Billy.
Conor, we're trying to prove to Mam that we're independent.
When we get to Spain, we can't just phone her any time we've a problem.
Yes, we can. They have phones in Spain as well.
Yeah, I know that.
Sure, I don't fucking care, I'm calling her, all right? Come on.
PHONE RINGS Don't answer that.
It's Conor, I have to. Don't answer that, Mairead,
it's illegal to use your phone while you're driving.
If you answer that, I will arrest you.
Thanks, you've just given me another good reason not to marry you.
Better?
Where are you?
Billy? Oh, Jesus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... What?
Look.
Ah... Ah, Jeez...
Oh, he's definitely acting stranger than normal,
even for Billy.
Even Billy's not normally that mental.
All right, come on.
How's it going, Billy?
We just want to see if you're all right.
I'm fine, lads.
It's just... What?
Nothing, nothing.
Do you remember what happened at the house, Billy?
Of course I fucking do.
I got a phone call and then I left the house.
No, you fainted.
Did I?
I don't think I did.
Did I?
Who was on the phone, Billy?
I don't know who it was.
Why did you faint, then?
I think it was something they told me.
Now, why don't you two fucking leave before I hurt you again?
Because I've just got somewhere I've got to be.
What the fuck's he on about? I don't have a fucking clue.
But, look, he can't go anywhere on the escalator. He's safe.
We just have to wait for your mam to arrive and, in the meantime,
I'll find the girls and talk to them about Spain, OK? Go on.
I'm not taking no for an answer, Mairead.
But it's the only answer you're going to get, like.
Where the fuck are the boys?
Sorry, girls.
Where is it, then? Where's what?
Oh, you're very funny. THEY GIGGLE
Where's our big surprise?
We're going to Spain.
BOTH: Yeah!
Oh, no, no, no! Here, here...
Wait, wait, no, no, no, is that why you brought us here,
so you could book our tickets?
No, you're mis...
You're misunderstanding me.
WE are going to Spain, like, by ourselves, me and Con.
What?
We're doing it for you.
Wait...you and Conor are going to Spain? Yeah.
By yourselves?
For us? Yeah, we're going to go over there, set up a bar and,
after a couple of months, once everything's running,
we're going to fly you two over to join us. What the fuck?
And you idiots expected us to be happy about that?
Yeah! Are you not?
No, we're fucking not.
What about Star?
Just throw factor 50 block on her and she'll be grand.
Star can't go to Spain. She'll grow up learning a different language.
We won't be able to understand our own baby.
Well...
PHONE VIBRATES
I'm standing at the escalator, staring at Billy.
Now where the fuck are you?
Back staircase.
I'm going up.
Hurry up, will ye?
PHONE CHIMES
Oh, shit.
Erm... Here, sorry, girls, I-I got to go.
Come here, just think this over and you'll realise
it's actually for the best, yeah? Love you!
All right, bye! Jock!
Jock, I'll fucking kill ye. Get back here right now!
You OK, Billy?
That lump seems to be affecting your sense of direction.
Do you want to come down off the escalator
so I can take a look at it?
That's very kind of you. I've just got somewhere I've got to be.
Where were ye?! We had to talk to the girls about Spain.
Do you ever think about anybody except your fucking selves?
HEALY: It's all right, Mairead,
there's a button here that stops the... No! No!
ALARM SOUNDS
I'm after telling ye 100 times, I've just got somewhere I've got to be.
And you're not going to fucking stop me!
Come on, Billy. It's over. Give yourself up.
Healy, what the fuck?
Sorry. Old habits.
Look, we just want to get you into the car
and go to the hospital, all right?
Yeah, Billy? Billy, you're trapped, OK?
J-Just let us help you.
I once cornered a rat because somebody told me
if you corner a rat it will jump up and attack you.
And I wanted to know if that was true.
And...?
BILLY SCREAMS
What the fuck were you thinking leaving Billy on his own like that?
He wasn't going anywhere!
He was like a little hamster on a wheel.
You were supposed to be taking care of him.
WHISPERS: This is our chance to be responsible.
Look, don't worry, we've got it.
You go to the car and we'll call you once we find him, all right?
There he is, there he is.
Come on, let's get him. No, no, no. What the fuck?
We don't need to get him, we just need to keep an eye on him
until Mam catches up with us in the car.
Oh, good thinking.
That way he can't give us a beating and she can't be mad.
It's win-win. Smart boy. Right. I'll text Mam.
SOBBING
BOTH: And... And they said they were going to...
One at a time, girls.
I can't work out what you're saying with all the snot and wailing.
The boys are leaving!
And they're moving to Spain.
Spain?
N-No, that's awful.
You have to help us persuade them not to leave.
Well, is that wise?
I mean, travel broadens the horizons of the mind and...
Girls, where are ye?
Blackpool Shopping Centre.
Go!
What are you smiling about?
I'm not smiling.
I just had the sun in my eyes.
Get in the car, Barry, come on.
COWS MOOING
Oh, God!
Are you sure this is the right way, just waiting here?
Conor texted to say Billy is heading out of town,
so, yes, I'm sure.
Let me see the text, maybe.
Jesus, Healy, can you stop meddling for once in your life?
You always have to be in control, don't you?
If you hadn't pressed the emergency stop button,
we wouldn't be standing here right now like a pair of pricks.
When will you see that I'm just trying to look after you?
Tony, you're a man-child. I'm the one who looks after you.
Thanks very much, but I already have two hapless children to look after.
I'm at capacity.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but judging by how they acted in the shopping centre
and the way they've been watching over Billy all day,
those boys might be getting to the age
where they're ready to leave the nest.
PHONE CHIMES
They're in the middle of a cabbage field.
♪ Take a parachute and jump
♪ You can't stay here forever
♪ When everyone else is gone
♪ Being all alone won't seem that clever
♪ Take a parachute and go
♪ There's going to have to be some danger
♪ Take a parachute and jump
♪ You're going to have to take flight... ♪
Know what, boy?
I think I'm becoming an adult.
I just realised I'm actually really enjoying
this walk in the countryside.
Do you know, I was just thinking the exact same thing.
Look at us - two young adults just enjoying the countryside.
Fucking yeah, boy.
Farmers.
Oh...
What? What's wrong with you? It's just...
Look, we will be OK in Spain, won't we? Of course, boy.
It's going to be amazing.
Maybe our milk-bottle bodies won't be able to handle the Spanish sun.
Not at all, boy.
No, no, once we burn off a couple of layers, we'll build up a tolerance.
Like drinking? Exactly.
And, sure the girls will come round
once they realise they're 100% totally wrong.
Be grand, boy, don't worry. Be grand.
Sure, you're right.
There's a bus stop here, for Christ's sake.
We could have all just gotten the fucking bus.
I don't think Billy likes to get the bus any more
after you know what. Aye.
I just got a message from Conor.
They're at Crosshaven Rugby Club.
What the hell are they doing all the way out there?
Fucking knackered, boy. How much further is he going to go?
I know, we need to stop
before the soles of my trainers are fully worn through.
Wait, wait.
I have a plan.
Hey, Billy!
Hey, big Billy!
How's it going, Billy? What are you doing around here?
We're just going for a walk in the countryside.
Don't know about you, but we've been walking for fucking miles.
Yeah, I have too.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
And we're just going in there for a quick glass of water.
Yeah? Yeah, we're very, very thirsty after all that walking.
And apparently, apparently this place
has the tastiest water in all the area.
Anyway, see you later, Billy.
Yeah, I could do with a nice glass of tasty water.
Ah, no, we don't want to keep you.
And there might not be enough tasty water to go around, so...
Here, if I want some nice, tasty water,
I'm going to get some, all right?
Here, get away from that nice, tasty water.
It's mine!
Shut the door!
Ah! Ah-ha-ha!
Thank fuck!
Conor, you fucking did it!
Fuck yes!
That took so fucking long.
What do we do now?
I've heard of the calm before the storm, but in this case,
Billy Murphy is the storm and he's being calm,
which is far more unsettling.
Well? Nothing, just silence.
This is the scariest Billy's ever been.
I have an idea.
Oh, here we go again, Captain Control.
Actually, I was going to say you should go in, Mairead.
You'll handle it better than I will.
Oh.
Yeah, Healy's right, but me and Jock are going with you.
Erm...Billy?
We're coming in.
We mean no harm.
You OK, Billy?
Hi, Mairead. How's it going, lads?
You tricked me good with that tasty water bullshit.
I was going to kick the shit out of you, but I thought about it.
I thought, if these two little pricks are following me around,
they must be keeping an eye on me.
So I let you live.
Billy, that's a massive lump on your head.
Honestly, Mairead, I'm fine.
There's nothing wrong with my head.
Then what's wrong, like? Why did you faint back at the house?
Did I ever tell ye the funny story about when I was a kid?
Right, I'd gotten into some trouble with my mam.
She sent me to my room and, in protest, I said to her,
"I'm going to hold my breath now, Mam, until you forgive me."
And then I fainted.
When I woke up, she hadn't even noticed!
HE LAUGHS
Do you get it?
That's fucking funny, like.
I said, fucking funny, eh?
FORCED LAUGHTER
Just trust me, all right?
I've had far worse bumps on my head than this.
I've had so many, I should be in the Guinness book of fucking records.
Anyway, I'd love to sit around and chat, but I can't,
because I've just got somewhere... We know, Billy, we know.
Billy, your shoelace.
You stay here. I'll go talk to them.
What are you doing here?
Fellas, the girls tell me you're moving to Spain.
Yeah, we are. We are.
I just want to give you this.
What? As a gift.
What...What's this for?
Oh, you know. Whatever you want.
I just want you to know, I think it's a really good idea.
And, you know, if Spain doesn't work out, don't come rushing back.
You know, you could use that money to see the rest of Europe,
even the world.
All right, thanks.
Nice one.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on, Mairead?
It's all right, just...let him go.
Where's he off to?
Not sure.
He's just got somewhere he's got to be.
Well?
I did my best.
Where are they going? They're following that guy
with the lump on his head. And where is he going?
What the fuck is going on?
What?!
I did my best, I tried to talk them into staying.
What now, Billy?
That phone call that I got this morning
was someone telling me that my mam passed away.
Sorry to hear that, Billy.
Yeah, Billy.
She wasn't a good mam.
She didn't really give a shit about me.
The only happy memory I have of her is bringing me down here.
She used to say, "Is there anywhere else in the world
"that you'd rather be than right here and now?"
Sometimes you don't really appreciate what you have
until you spend the day following a dangerous lunatic
with a banger on his head halfway across the country.
Your dad gave us some extra cash.
Maybe we could book four return flights to Spain instead.
For a holiday. Oh, my gosh.
I think that's a better idea.
Fuck's sake!
So myself and Jock were seeing things a little bit more clearly.
But all of a sudden,
Mam was acting like she'd got a fucking bang on the head.
Yes.
What? Really?
Seriously?
We're getting fucking married?!
Last one in's a rotten egg!
THEY LAUGH AND YELL
Come on, get your kit off, you sexy bastard, you.
Whoa!
I always wondered what Orla saw in Barry.
You know what?
Maybe being young isn't just for dickheads,
because there are a lot of benefits,
like having fuck-all responsibilities.
And maybe the only problem with being young
is all the grown-ups in the world who need to sort their shit out
and stop acting like boring old adults.
♪ And when I need to get home
♪ You're my guiding light You're my guiding light
♪ When I need to get home
♪ You're my guiding light You're my guiding light
♪ When I need to get home
♪ You're my guiding light
♪ When I need to get home
♪ You're my guiding light. ♪