- My husband died for nothing,
and I'm beginning to think I didn't even know him.
- What do you want to build, Jules?
Who do you want to be?
- I can't wait for you to screw up
so you can call me.
- Why does he have this? - It was your dad's.
- I don't believe exercise can be fun.
- Okay, in my dance class, we pose through the pain.
- [laughs]
- I want to believe this was an accident,
but I just don't know.
- I have spent four months blaming the universe,
and maybe the one I really should be angry with is Matt.
- I don't know what you want me to say.
- I want you to tell me if you think he jumped.
- Maybe!
Maybe.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
- How'd you get it again?
- [groans]
Special ops mission in Paraguay.
Top secret, I shouldn't even be talking to you about it.
- I thought it was a battle with a velociraptor
after your DeLorean broke down. - Nope.
- How'd you get it again?
- We were dropping in by parachute
to maintain the element of surprise.
But unfortunately, the only thing
I caught by surprise was a jaguar.
- You ever gonna tell me what really happened?
- Just some stupid accident from when I was a kid.
- How'd you get it again?
- [groans softly]
- You know, you never really talk about your childhood.
[bottles rattling]
[items clattering]
[indistinct speech on TV]
[chuckles]
- Why are you awake? - The tragedy of my life.
- Same.
Step Four.
I'm supposed to make a moral inventory,
which is basically a catalog
of all the not-good things I've done.
- Mm.
- Every lie, every mistake, every insecurity.
And I'm supposed to be rigorously honest
so that I understand myself
and the choices I've made.
It's not fun.
- No, that sounds like literal hell.
- It is,
which is why I'm watching "Real Housewives" instead.
[indistinct speech on TV]
- Is she throwing a welcome-home party
for her new boobs?
- Yep, that's what this show is.
It's like, these housewives pull these crazy stunts
to distract themselves from the fact
that they're barely functioning alcoholics.
[both laugh]
I really missed my calling. - Mm-hmm.
What would your tagline be?
- I'm Jules.
I may stab you in the front, but I'll always have your back.
- That's good.
[both laugh]
- Oh, what would mine be? - [sighs]
Oh.
I'm Leigh.
If you want my advice, you won't have to ask.
Exactly.
[both laugh]
- You're killing it.
[both laugh]
- So why are you really up?
- I'm not sure if Matt's death was an accident.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
- [sighs] Hey. - Hey.
I got this for you.
It's my peace offering.
It was really nice...
of you to come to my birthday,
and I shouldn't have come at you like that.
- Ooh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
- Sorry, that's gluten-free. It was all they had.
- You suck at apologizing.
- Can I ask you something about Matt?
- If it's the same question you asked me
at your birthday, absolutely not.
I'm not doing that... again. - Yeah, no.
No one wants to... do that again.
I just want to...
know what he was like as a kid.
- Why?
- Because I met him after college,
and I know a lot about the after,
not much about the before because he...
never wanted to talk about his childhood.
- You know, people who want to talk about their childhoods
are weird, so...
- I just want to know things about him
that I didn't get to know.
Like, he had this scar on his back,
and he said he got it when he was a kid,
so I was wondering... - What are you...
What are you wondering?
- Matt said that his depression was biopsychosocial,
psycho being his personality...
- Maybe psycho is just your personality, Leigh.
- Psycho like psychology. - Oh.
- Bio like biology, and...
the social was how he was raised,
so I'm just trying to understand
the family dynamic so that I can...
- What do you want me to tell you?
That my dad was too tired to go to my third grade recital?
Yeah, you got me.
Our childhood was a nightmare.
House on a cul-de-sac.
Uh... - Mm.
- Parents been married for 30 years.
- Okay, whatever. I'll just ask your mom.
- Don't... don't ask my mom about that.
Don't ask her what you asked me at the party.
Actually, don't ask her anything.
Like, at all. - She's still my mother-in-law.
- Is she? - Mm-hmm.
- You're saying that like you two
have an actual relationship.
You haven't even seen her since the funeral.
I don't know what's going on, but...
whatever meltdown you're having this week,
leave my mother out of it.
- [sighs] Leigh.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Hi. - Hi.
- [chuckles]
Come, come in.
- Hey.
- The cheesy mash should be done in a minute.
I made it with instant potatoes.
No lumps, just like your father made it.
- Mom, he made those, like, one time.
- Oh, your brother called. He'll be a few minutes late.
But we have the movie in the player already
for when he gets here. - Mom, can we just start?
I mean, he's seen it, like, 5,000 times.
He won't care.
- I have to... Be right back.
- [sighs]
- Hey.
What's going on with you?
She just wants to celebrate your dad.
- Yeah, and he's bringing as much joy and happiness now
as he did when he was still alive.
I hate this day.
Don't want to have an anniversary party
for my dead dad.
I just want to... shove my feelings down
and ignore them like white people.
- Oh, well, tell me more about white people.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, white people like spreading smallpox through blankets
and taking improv classes.
- [laughs]
I know that this is hard for you.
But I think it means a lot to your mom.
- Hey, Mom? You need some help?
- Just a minute ago.
[chuckles] I know, right?
Okay. Okay, sweetie. See you then.
So that was Danny. He said he's gonna swing by.
- Great.
- So I have Earl Grey
or mint tea
or chamomile if you want.
I can, uh...
- Um, I... I'll just have whatever you're having.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry I didn't come sooner.
- No, it's okay. It's a long drive.
So how are you? - How are you?
[both chuckle]
I really am sorry. I-I...
could have at least called.
- Leigh, it's... it's okay.
This is hard.
And just as long as it doesn't take another
four long months for your next visit.
- No, it won't. I promise.
It's really nice being here.
[laughs]
Do you have any more...
pictures of Matt when he was a kid?
'Cause he never really kept many at the apartment.
- Oh, honey.
How much time do you have?
Come, come, come.
[groovy music playing]
♪ ♪
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, was it your jacket that we found at the party?
I can text Leigh and see if she's still at the house.
- What? No, uh...
I'm here for the dance party. - Oh!
Uh, awesome.
Yeah, just go get a spot. We're about to get started.
- Okay.
- [laughs]
That's sweet.
Oh, my God, Danny. - [laughs]
Just could never smile right. - Yeah.
- They all look like that till he got to high school.
- [laughs]
- And by then, he was too cool to smile at all.
- Ah, that makes sense. - [laughs]
- Oh, there's Matt in chess club.
- Yeah, he loved to play.
James started teaching him around, like, five or six.
Now, you'd think a kid that little would be too squirrely.
But not Matt. Mm-mm.
[chuckles]
The two of them used to sit at that chessboard for hours.
With the town house, I've been trying to downsize,
and I thought you might like to have it.
- Mom, I barely have time to grade papers,
let alone play chess.
You should give this to Danny.
- Hell no. You the chess champ.
- "You are." Danny, grammar, please.
Look, Grandpa gave it to Daddy,
and Daddy wanted to give it to you
so that someday, you could play with your own
son or daughter.
- It's just gonna collect dust. - Oh, that's okay.
You'll have it when you need it.
- No, Mom. We don't have the space.
- I'm sure you can find some space...
- Mom, I don't want it.
- Okay, you know what?
I think, that, um, everyone's tired.
And it's just getting a bit late, so...
I think I'll just go get some leftovers for everybody.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
- Let's just take it.
We can find a place for it.
- I hate chess.
- I'm sorry I never got to meet James.
- That man read everything under the sun.
You two could have talked books for hours.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, you would have loved each other.
And he was easy on the eyes. - Oh, yeah?
- Where do you think Matt got his good looks from?
Let me show you.
He was so busy with all his... papers
and conferences.
Let me see.
Yeah, he was such a... good provider.
Oh, there he is. - Hmm.
- Look at that fine man.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- Um, what happened to...
to Matt's back?
- What was that? I-I...
I think that Matt and Danny,
they were just messing around, I think.
- Well, that's some serious messing around.
- There's my baby.
Oh, I am so glad you could swing by.
[laughs] Mm.
- I didn't know we were, uh, having a, uh, family reunion.
- Oh, so nice.
And we were just talking about your brother, right?
Can I get you something?
- Um, some water. - Oh, of course.
You want anything? - No, I'm fine.
Thank you. - Okay.
- I told you to leave my mom out of this.
- I can spend time with her. She's my family too.
- Are you serious right now with this?
- Here we go.
[sighs] Good.
- Thanks, Mom. You good?
- Oh, yeah, fine.
My family's here.
So let's sit. Let's catch up.
- Hmm! Mm-hmm.
- And turn to the left.
[upbeat music playing]
Right, left.
And eight counts of ponies.
- ♪ Love me, love me ♪
♪ Pretend that you love me ♪
♪ Leave me, leave me ♪
♪ Just say that ♪
- Okay, uh, it's okay if you're not perfect.
It's okay if you mess up.
You are not...
your mistakes.
- ♪ For you to love me, love me ♪
[music muffles]
- [exhales deeply]
- ♪ Say that you need me ♪
- Uh, we're gonna go back to the...
- Ponies? - Ponies, exactly.
- ♪ Anything but you ♪
♪ Anything but ♪
- Hey.
Are you okay?
- Not really.
- [sighs]
Richard told me about your recovery.
I hope that's okay.
- Richard is my mom's ex-husband,
my sister's dad, and my nothing.
- You... we don't know each other very well,
but what I know about you, I really like.
And every sober day is a miracle.
- Are you a friend of Bill's?
- Friend-adjacent.
- I, um, texted my sponsor, but she can't talk until 5:00.
- Well, let me take you home, then.
- I can't go home right now.
- My home.
- How old was he when he made this?
- Oh, 11, 12, I guess.
He was always drawing.
I had to bribe him with Pentel brush pens
to make him do his homework.
[laughs]
- It's good. - Mm.
- It's intense.
- [chuckles]
Well, that was Matt.
- Was Matt ever depressed as a kid?
- Your generation is always trying to put labels on things.
Depression, ADHD, gluten allergies.
Nothing but excuses.
- Yeah, I only ask because, um,
you know Matt was on antidepressants since college.
- Leigh, you don't need to bother
my mother with that stuff.
- I just want to know what Matt was like
before I knew him and... and...
like, if something happened to him
when he was growing up that... - What are you talking about?
- Matt never talked about his childhood
or his dad or his scar.
- That's what you've been getting at this whole time?
Are you kidding me?
That's your... that's your one explanation
for why a black man has a scar he never wants to talk about?
You gonna ask me if my dad was an addict too?
- No, no, no, that's not...
that is not what I meant at all.
I'm...
No, I... Oh, God.
I am... just working
with the information that I have
to try and understand,
and... and if I'm wrong, I apologize.
- Yeah, well... well, you are.
My husband was a... a good father
and never laid a hand on my boys.
And Matt's scar, it was his fault.
He was roughhousing with... with Danny,
and he hurt himself.
- So... so why wouldn't he just tell me that?
- I-I guess because he felt bad.
We... we had to, uh, take him to get stitches,
and we had to leave, uh, Danny's game.
I think it was the Little League playoffs or something.
- It was tryouts.
- Yeah, well, something like that.
I can never get the details right.
- It was tryouts, and it wasn't Matt's fault.
It was Dad's because he wouldn't get out of bed.
- Oh, Danny, please don't be so dramatic.
- We were late, and I was gonna have to wait
a whole nother year if we didn't get there.
Matt begged him, even tried to drag him out of bed.
Dad didn't move. Matt got pissed,
started whaling on him until Dad pushed him
into the closet door and broke the mirror.
- Your brother never should have come
at your father like that!
- He never got out of bed! He was always in bed.
He would go to work,
give everything to a bunch of strangers,
and there was never anything left for us.
- So you're saying that your father was a bad parent
because he went to work every day?
- No, I'm saying that he was depressed!
He was depressed, and so was Matt.
And maybe if you would have just actually acknowledged
and have dealt with that fact, Matt might still be here!
- That's what you think?
Okay.
- At least you got your answers, right?
- My mom was in and out of AA my whole life.
It just... never seemed to stick for her.
Al-Anon did for me.
So I'm here to listen if you want to talk.
- [grunts]
Yeah, thanks.
[inhales deeply]
The night before Matt died, he called me.
I was drunk and had driven over tire spikes the wrong way,
so Leigh was coming to get me, and...
I didn't want a lecture.
So I didn't answer.
What if he needed me?
What if he was calling because...
I don't know, because he wanted to tell me something?
- Or maybe he was just calling to give you a lecture.
Or maybe he was calling to let you know
that Leigh was close by.
- I still should have picked up.
I'm never getting that chance back, and...
this stupid inventory thing, I mean, I...
When I tell Leigh, she's gonna freak out.
- Why would you tell Leigh?
Jules, I know you feel bad about this,
but you're gonna have to feel bad
without bringing her into it.
She's got enough going on without...
having to make you feel better.
Sometimes the more generous act is...
to just keep things to yourself.
- Hi. - Come in.
Do you really think... that Matt...
- No.
No.
And Danny doesn't really think that.
He was just lashing out.
I just came because...
I wanted to feel close to him.
- You know why I thought you came?
- No.
- Well, I haven't seen you since... Matt died,
and it's only about four months ago,
and... and... you wanted to see his baby pictures,
and I thought...
I really thought you were gonna tell me you were pregnant.
- Oh.
Uh, no, I'm...
I'm not, sorry. - I know.
I just desperately wanted a... a piece of him in this world.
[somber music]
When you have a child,
you never think...
[inhales sharply]
I-I did the best I could.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [sniffles]
- Matt was my... favorite person.
- [chuckles]
- You made him.
You raised him.
And he was amazing.
- He was.
- Yeah.
♪ ♪
Why didn't you just take the whole set?
- I just wanted the one piece.
[knock at door]
- Hi, I'm...
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry that I have to keep saying I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
- [inhales]
I just wish that, um...
that Matt...
was comfortable sharing with me,
like, everything that I heard today.
- I mean, it's not... not like he didn't trust you.
That scar was...
everything he hated about our childhood.
He didn't... he didn't want to deal with it.
- And I think I-I, um...
I went to your mom's house, like,
looking for someone to blame, because if it was her fault
or your father's fault or your whole family's fault,
um, then it...
then it didn't have to be my fault that he was unhappy.
- Wasn't your fault, Leigh.
- I just really wanted to make him happy,
and I don't know if I did.
- Come here. Let me show you something.
Can I show you something?
[computer blipping]
[video volume increases]
[people cheering]
Oh, my God! Oh!
[people clamoring]
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
[people cheering] - [laughs]
- Oh, my God. You are the worst.
This is the saddest... ever.
The saddest... ever, look.
Flip cup... come here, bro.
Flip cup with orange soda, listening to Jack Johnson.
That's how you spent your last night of freedom, bro.
- Oh, yeah?
- Remember that 20 years from now.
You're sitting on the couch watching this
with your boring wife and your light-ass kids.
Look at her.
[laughs]
Ew, gross.
Hey, man, it's not too late to change your mind.
You know it's not. - Yeah, well, never.
- What? - Ah!
[people cheering]
[audio scrambles]
[soft music]
- You gonna tell me that guy isn't happy?
- Thank you.
♪ ♪
- I have some more of Matt playing charades later.
You want to watch it? - Yeah, immediately.
♪ ♪
- [laughs]
- Let's go, bring it home for the home team.
- No, this is impossible. I won't...
- No, no, no, no, no.
If you pulled it, you have to play.
There's no passing. - Yeah, I'm starting
the timer right now. - Here we go.
- It's already started. - Come on, man.
- Come on, dude. - Okay, um...
- Let's get it. Let's get it. This is game time.
- Um...
- Two, two words. Two words, two words. Okay.
- Four, four... four words.
Four syllables. Ten seconds!
- [laughs] - Oh, man.
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
Oh, it's amazing. - [laughs]
I know I should pull it together for my best friend,
but if I stay, I'm gonna lose it,
and I don't want to make this about me.
- Oh, my God. Leigh?
Ginny Maxwell.
I did the flowers for your wedding.
Is Matt here too?
- This wedding is making me feel really, really single.
- Me too.
When I was drinking, I had no problem meeting people.
- She's been sober for almost five months.
- Her compass is broken.
She gets too close to people too fast.
- That dude is definitely swiping right on you right now.
- Um, I guess I should go see if it's a match.
Don't wait up.