I know Christmas might be hard,
but isn't that why we need it,
especially this year?
- You're done? - What else is there to say?
They need you, I get that, but, Amy, what do you need?
Can you tell me, Leigh?
Is there a point when you stop pulling the Matt card?
You act like you are the only person
who was ever an alcoholic or adopted,
but there are a lot of people
in the exact same pain you're in
and they have figured out
how not to be living nightmares.
Team Shaw is..., and I can't believe it took me
so long to figure out that you'll never change.
I don't wanna be a part of this family.
You're a terrible family.
Stop it! We are supposed to be all that we have!
You are so condescending
and you think you're so much better than anyone.
Oh, my God.
But you're a horrible instructor.
My clients hate you.
You are even more unbearable now
- than when you were drunk. - You're ungrateful and a snob,
and I am so fully over your...
Yeah, I've been over yours for, like, a decade.
Okay, okay. Let's all take a deep breath, hmm?
I'd like to commend you both for showing up and digging in.
This is not easy.
Oh, I had to drag them here by their teeth.
And what is exceptionally clear to me
is how much the two of you care about one another.
However, you do have some trouble listening.
Leigh, what's coming up for you?
Well, I'm still pissed about what she said earlier,
that I can only see the hole Matt left
and not the people standing around it,
like I'm supposed to be grieving on her terms.
- No, no, no. - She's not criticizing you.
Jules, is that a fair assessment?
Let her answer.
She can grieve however she needs to.
- I just wish that... - I don't know.
She acts like I'm this deadweight dragging her down.
Why can't she see me as a life raft or something?
You know what? I wanna try an empathy exercise.
The two of you switch places.
Hmm?
Now, we are going to reenact your last argument
but with the roles reversed.
- So I'm Leigh? - Mm-hmm.
I do not do that with my face.
You totally do.
Well, at least I don't do this with my eyebrows.
Okay, okay, start over.
Empathy.
Leigh...
it is so deeply unfair
how differently we get treated,
like I don't belong in the family.
Oh, that is patently false.
I mean, I love both of them equally.
Mom, jeez.
Let them work it out.
Whatever, Jules.
You are so selfish.
You make everything about you,
like when you called me drunk to pick you up
and robbed me of Matt's last night alive.
No, she would never think that.
She does not think that.
- Amy. - My God.
So you're just making things up now.
That's good. That's really productive.
Thank you both for being so open.
Unfortunately, we are out of time.
But for homework,
I would like you to take on a project together...
something you don't normally do.
Are you... are you hosting any holiday meals?
My ex-husband and his wife and daughter
are coming for dinner tomorrow,
and I'm making a savory vegan nut loaf.
Okay, well, how about the two of you
prepare dinner this year?
- As a team? - That's just not gonna happen.
I mean,
they can't be in the same room together, for a start,
and also, you know, they don't really cook.
Well, this might be a good opportunity
to foster their independence.
Well, there's no reason to spoil a good meal for that.
I mean...
- Do you take Visa? - Mm-hmm.
You know, I know that this session
has been mostly about Jules and Leigh,
but I would like to give you some things
to think about this week.
Oh, s... me?
I noticed during our session that you spoke on their behalf
and defended your own choices
and occasionally used affection
as a barrier to self-exploration.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I mean, I... I can't just sit by and let them savage each other.
I mean, that's not how I show love.
Well, you can show them love without undermining them.
Undermining them?
Well, what does that mean?
Wait... sorry. I'm hurting them?
Unconsciously, perhaps.
You know what? I promise.
I promise we will get into this our next meeting.
For now, don't worry about it. Just hang back a little.
And have a merry Christmas, hmm?
Mom.
Hey, since when is doing things
for your children a crime?
I mean... I'm a mother, for Chrissake.
- What is this word? - Crudités.
It's a platter of raw vegetables.
- I know what it means. - I just can't read her writing.
Can you get the flour?
Hello?
I'm "Merry Christmas" -ing Matt's mom.
You know, you girls,
you don't think I'm undermining, do you?
This recipe has red wine.
No, I wouldn't use that word.
Well, what word would you use?
"Overprotective."
"Extra-loving"?
- That's four words. - Mom.
- What? - Grape juice. Fridge door.
How about "controlling"?
Wha...
You know, neither of you girls would have a job
if I didn't run my own business.
Did you buy Parmesan?
- Yeah, I did. - Okay, where is it?
- You know what? - It's your meal.
You find it.
Nut loaf.
It's the saddest loaf known to man.
Maybe we could change it up this year.
Sabrina's back on red meat. We could do a rib roast.
That's, like, varsity-level cooking.
- Salt, pepper, garlic, butter. - We can handle it.
Okay, well, you lead, then.
You want me to boss you around?
Pretend like I don't know what to do with this.
Just make it smaller.
Whole Foods delivers, right? I think they have meat.
That thing you said in therapy
about robbing me of Matt's last night...
you know I never said that.
- I know. - Not during our last fight,
not when he died, and just never, basically.
Okay, well, some part of you must blame me.
He could've needed someone... no, listen.
No, not me.
Leigh, I need you to listen
because I was really drunk that night and...
You were really drunk a lot of nights,
and you've done a lot of crappy things.
None of them had anything to do with Matt's death.
What if they did, though?
You really think that?
Jules.
Look, I can't tell you how to feel,
but that is not how I feel.
Okay?
Okay.
Give me a few things to think about?
Would you, lady? Really?
Give you a few things to think about.
Undermining them?
I am the most supportive person they know, you bitch.
Barrier to self-exploration.
You don't know me, lady.
All I goddamn do is explore myself.
- She's still vacuuming. - Hose attachment?
- Yep. - She's leveled up.
I have never seen those.
Yeah, I think it's her and Richard's wedding china.
Oh, weird that she kept it.
Have we never had more than
four people over for Christmas dinner?
- Nope. - Just the three of us and Matt.
And then there was that girl that you were dating.
Sleeping with, for, like, a month.
God, she was so annoying.
Couldn't get over how I didn't wanna
talk to her about my birth family.
She thought it was this fun mystery or whatever, but, like,
back off, Nancy Drew.
Would you ever wanna talk to me about it?
Um... sure.
What do you wanna know?
Do you ever think about meeting them?
- Well... - Yeah.
I have this phrase memorized just in case.
It means, "Are you my mother?"
What if she says yes?
Sorry, Jules. Did I... did I say something wrong or...
You're fine.
I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.
I gotta grab my stuff out of Evie's room.
She's back from boarding school tonight,
so I guess I'm on the pullout couch.
Got it.
Happy almost Christmas.
- You too. - I'll see you in the morning.
Are you trying to spark joy?
Did you know
that when Swedes reach middle age,
they throw out all the stuff they don't need
so that their kids don't have to go through it when they die?
Well, you are not dying, and you're also not Swedish.
How's the meal going?
- It's good. - We're making a roast.
- A roast? - Who decided that?
We both did.
Wow, that's great.
How come we never had people over for holiday dinners?
- What people? - You're my people.
You know what I mean.
Because my mother is crazy,
and my family is a product of her madness,
and I've told you this many times.
Yeah, but you always say she's crazy,
and you don't say why.
You rarely tell stories about her.
Anyway, she's old now. She could've softened.
- Katherine? - No, no.
She doesn't soften. She calcifies.
Okay, um...
I'll tell you about the time
that my grandma bullied my mother
into taking me roller-skating.
I was seven... I think.
So my mother drags me there,
and then she just leaves me to lace up my own skates.
So, well, I get them on eventually,
but then I just keep falling over.
So I watch her.
Oh, she is zipping around the rink.
Backwards and forwards. She's spinning and jumping.
She is the best skater there.
This goes on for hours and hours.
And then, of course, my stomach starts growling.
So I wave at her, you know. She doesn't notice.
So I start sneaking fries off of other people's trays.
Well, somebody calls the management.
So Katherine comes over. Know what she does?
She smacks me, hard, right across the face.
Seven.
How's that for undermining?
God, that's awful.
- Oh, no, no. - It's fine.
I have a lot of those stories. They all end the same way.
You know, go and get some rest.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Okay.
Those are going.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Aw.
I didn't realize you smoked.
Only when I can't sleep.
What's got you up at 4:00 a.m.?
Oh, invites and menus and favors.
And Richard and I, we had a courthouse wedding,
so, you know, this is all new to me,
and I have a... anxiety rash.
But it's gonna be beautiful. It's gonna be beautiful.
- Oh, my God. - What about you?
Oh, um, well,
our first dance is a rumba step.
Yeah, so I'm screwing that up. Gonna humiliate myself, but...
Well, maybe I can help.
- Oh, my God. - Okay.
Oh, man.
♪ ♪
All right.
- Don't laugh. - No, I'm not.
Okay.
- Yup. - Uh-huh.
We get it almost every night
Slow. Good.
- That's great. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Oh.
- Your footwork is great. - Okay, yeah.
Just keep it a little bit loose. That's it.
- Don't put your head down. - Oh, right.
- That's it, perfect. - Okay.
You look great!
- Uh-huh. - And then a little cross step.
Right, okay, and then boom.
- That's it. - Quick, slow.
- Uh-huh. - Quick, quick, slow.
- And get your hips in... oh. - Yeah, no, I don't want...
I'm sorry.
You're just a little locked in your head, that's all.
I just keep on telling myself to breathe,
but the more I say it, the less air actually I take in.
I feel like my fight-or-flight response
is busted somehow.
Aw, everybody feels the urge to bail before their wedding.
It's normal.
Oh, no, I... I don't wanna run away from Leigh.
Actually, I'm afraid I'm gonna run at her so hard
that I'm gonna totally destroy her.
You know, I remember that feeling.
You spend so much time running away from people
that the first time you run towards somebody...
well, it's a lot.
Who was yours?
- Richard. - Mm-hmm.
Do you know he invited me to go to Morocco the week we met?
Can you believe that?
And the second night we were there,
some random guy in a pickup
took us to a party in the desert.
- Oh. - Oh, no.
I was wearing this gorgeous, gorgeous scarf.
It was maroon with a sort of fringe.
And we stole it from the market earlier on.
We did.
And, oh, we smoked hash...
And we danced around a bonfire all night.
Oh, man. It was magic.
Mm.
Come on.
♪ ♪
And... slow, quick, quick, slow.
There you go. That's perfect.
- Oh, don't lie. - I'm a disaster.
No, you're not, and listen.
Even if you mess up every single last step,
it doesn't matter.
You know why?
Because you'll still be holding the person
that you're running towards.
And that is just everything.
♪ ♪
- There you go. - Mm.
Whoa!
Whoo!
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Ta-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la...
Ah, merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, honey. - Aww.
Aww.
Have you been smoking?
Uh, well, I found a stale pack
and I took a couple of puffs.
No biggie.
What time did you go to bed?
- Well... - Did you go to bed?
Uh, no, not yet, but, you know, I can nap later.
Ooh, what's wrong with your chest?
Ooh.
I don't know.
- Hey. - Ah.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Wow.
I brought a gravy boat over from Sabrina's.
Whoa, what's wrong with your chest?
- Oh, I... allergies? - She was up all night smoking.
- I was not smoking all night. - Did you say smoking?
- Like, cigarettes? - Oh, my goodness.
I made a little brunch.
I hope that's not too undermining.
Can we do presents?
'Cause my gift-giving game is tight this year.
Do you mind if we do it later because,
oh, I need to shower and tidy up
and do some yoga and meditate
and leave you two girls
to stir up a little yuletide voodoo.
Tonight's gonna be lit. See you in the p.m.
La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
What's Vietnamese for "cuckoo-bananas"?
Where's the crudités?
Mmm, oh, it smells divine.
I haven't had a roast in years.
Richard's gonna flip. What's left to do?
Sauté the green beans, baste the meat,
brown the gratin, heat the biscuits.
- It's covered. - Oh.
Well, it's marvelous. Oh, I'm so proud of my girls.
It was all Jules.
I just chopped stuff and judged her.
She's a wizard at chopping and judging.
Years of practice.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Singing all the way
Bells on bobtail ring
You know what? I am just gonna throw together a salad.
- We have plenty of vegetables. - A small salad.
You know, just in case.
In case of what, a salad crisis?
Well, you know, in case somebody has some
undetected food allergies.
I mean, what does Evie eat?
You see?
I'm gonna throw together
a small salad just for Evie and me,
and then if she doesn't eat it, you know, small beans.
Oh, oh, oh.
Cucumber and celery...
And a radicchio! Oh-ho-ho!
Now we're talking.
Did you ever nap, Mom?
- Oh, no, why? - Do I look tired?
- No. - You look amazing, as usual.
- Aww. - Thank you.
Yay!
all: Merry Christmas.
Is it okay if I pop my squash in your oven for a sec?
- Sure, of course. - Hi.
Evie, why don't you see if the girls need anything?
S... uh...
This is... I know.
My heart's going nuts.
- Hey, guys! - Hi!
Don't be nervous.
Merry Christmas.
- I should go help. - Yeah.
We'll talk later.
- Everything looks terrific. - It really does.
The girls did it all themselves.
Oh!
Almost done. Load up those plates.
So how's the horse stuff going?
- What do you mean? - The varsity riding. Are you...
It's... it's not called that.
- Oh, my God, Jules. - That looks great!
- Oh, it smells amazing! - Jules, that looks so good.
- Oh, the outside's overdone. - The inside's underdone.
I didn't let it sit at room temperature first, so...
- The entrée is... - I like my meat rare.
We'll just pick around the raw bits.
Always the least edible part of the meal.
Well, it's a good thing
I made a salad, then, right?
These biscuits look amazing.
Heads up. There's chili flakes on those beans.
Beautiful scarf, by the way.
Uh, thank you.
It looks like the one we stole
from that vendor in Marrakech.
It was... Wild times.
It was... remember when we both threw up
on the ride to the desert?
Oh, my God.
This old guy gave us this hashish
that was laced with... something.
And we get there.
Amy bolts for the bonfire,
comes back later with no shoes, bleeding feet.
- No, no, no, no. - You were with me.
- We were dancing. - No, no.
I hung back with the Aussies. You're remembering it wrong.
Why didn't you go dance with her?
Yeah, lame-ass.
- Evie! - A number of reasons,
not speaking Arabic being one.
Well, neither do I.
I don't really dance.
Plus, the dude with the truck was so sketchy.
I got paranoid that he was gonna leave us
out there in the middle of nowhere.
No, but we were happy.
I was terrified and miserable.
I think I even cried on the ride home.
Oh, cried?
- He cries a lot. - I forgot that part.
He doesn't like being out of control
and he hates open spaces.
- You're agoraphobic? - No.
Isn't agoraphobia fear of crowds?
That's enochlophobia.
Hmm.
No one's eating my salad.
I just haven't got to it yet.
Making room.
You know, I wasn't allowed to make anything.
This is just...
What's wrong with your chest?
- Calm down. - It's just food.
- Don't tell me what to feel. - Just food?
I mean, it's something that I made that nobody wants.
I mean... It's Christmas.
Oh, God. Who eats salad on Christmas anyway?
That's so stupid.
I guess that's what happens when your identity gets...
Yanked away from you.
Mom, what are you talking about?
Well, you heard that therapist,
what she said about me being a garbage mother.
- She didn't say that. - Oh, she didn't say that.
- Oh... I'm hurting them. - That's what she said.
- I'm hurting them. - I mean...
Which, of course, is the last thing that I would wanna do.
I mean, I have spent, oh, decades
trying to undo the damage that my mother did to me,
and then this jackass tells me that I'm repeating it...
you know, the abuse and the neglect.
I mean, if anything,
honestly, it's the other way around.
Um...
maybe you should go lay down.
It's "lie," not "lay."
Do you know what I realized when Leigh got married
and you moved in with those deadbeat college kids?
That I have zero friends. No one.
I would rack my brains to think of somebody
that I could call to, you know,
start a book club or go to brunch.
And I mean, for a while,
I even thought that Sabrina and I could be pals.
I mean, really, what a joke.
I... consider you a friend, Amy.
Sorry.
Did you hear that, Richard?
Your wife considers the person
with whom you are sleeping a friend,
and that makes you a chicken...
Really, Amy? Like this?
God damn it.
- What the hell? - I knew it.
Soon as Donna said her name, you got antsy.
I was trying to tell you, and you bulldozed me.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - Who's Donna?
- No, no one. No one. - Our couples counselor.
I was hinting that we were... Richard, enough.
We will discuss this at home.
I'm just an issue at everybody's therapy these days.
I mean, don't you just love it the way
they... they talk about me
as if I am something that needs fixing
and then they show up here like everything's dandy?
- You invited us! - What is wrong with you?
I'm tired!
I am tired of being everyone's problem
and I'm tired of feeling like a nuisance
and I'm tired of not being listened to...
Well, just sit down!
Just sit down!
Is that what it takes?
I've gotta behave like a raving lunatic just to be heard?
When did I stop being a person?
You know, you spend so much time
trying to figure out the kind of parent that you wanna be,
but the amount of time that you were
actually essential to your kids,
it's, like... it's just a fraction of that.
And the rest of the time, you're just wallpaper.
You know, when you were little
and you would crawl into my bed after a nightmare,
it's like... it's like... then you just...
you feel really necessary.
Right? Right?
And then... well, then you turned ten,
and it just stopped, and I was just..,
I was just crushed, and...
and then I thought, "No, no, you know, it's okay."
This is, like, phase two. What is this gonna look like?"
I just...
I just... I just...
I just never thought I'd start disappearing.
And then... and then, you know, you moved back in
and Jules got sober,
and it was just...
it was just like you were crawling back to me
after the worst nightmare in the history of the universe,
and I mean,
I know that this is really ugly,
but just for a second,
I just...
I just felt really whole again, you know?
And it's just...
and they don't tell you that in mom school.
They don't tell you that you're just gonna
give pieces of yourself to your children
and then... and that those pieces are gonna live inside of them
and you're never gonna get them back.
Oh, God.
Ugh.
And they also just don't tell you
that you're gonna become invisible.
And also just completely useless,
because I mean, you know,
how can you call yourself a fireman
if there aren't any fires to put out?
So who am I?
When my children don't need me anymore,
who am I?
Well, I'll tell you.
A blind idiot...
and a coward's whore.
Thank you for the meal.
Probably best if you don't stay over tonight.
Evie!
I'm sorry.
Just save your apology for the daughter who needs it.
Come in.
Were you able to sleep?
Like a rock... a shame-filled rock
who feels just awful about her behavior yesterday.
I am so sorry.
You didn't need to find out about me and Richard like that.
How are Evie and Sabrina?
Oh, don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
I started an email, like, four or five times,
and I just... I... I couldn't send it.
I mean,
maybe if you see them, you can apologize for...
Oh, no.
- You're leaving? - What are you doing?
I... I've gotta fix some things.
So I can't do it here, so I'm going.
No, don't go.
Dad and Sabrina, they will sort themselves out.
It's not about them.
I'm just curdling.
And that's... that's not good for anybody.
- Okay. - For how long?
- I don't know. - To where?
Alaska.
I found an Airbnb near Talkeetna.
It's a mountain town.
Uh...
Okay, why?
Never been.
And that's all you're packing?
- Mm-hmm. - You hate the cold.
And you have no snow pants or snow boots.
You have a fashion puffer, and that's not even waterproof.
Well, there are coats in Alaska.
So, um...
emergency documents.
I texted Lacey so she's in the loop,
and all our bills are set to autopay.
The online reviews say that the...
reception at the apartment is spotty
but that the café across the street has Wi-Fi.
So, um, what else?
Uh...
nothing. That's it.
I gotta call my Lyft soon.
Otherwise, I'm gonna lose my nerve.
So tell me you can do this. Please tell me you can do this.
- Yeah. - We'll be okay.
You already are.
Oh, here he is.
Okay. I love you.
- Love you too. - Love you.
- Text us when you land. - I will.
Okay.
We still have four more sessions of therapy left.
She's not gonna be able to go.
Maybe she'll make him turn around.
I bet she's back by tomorrow night.
Yeah.
Matthew's school is throwing him an event to honor him.
It's nice that they're doing something to remember him.
Yeah, but they didn't know Matt.
I don't think he felt like he meant much to this place.
He was always talking about how crazy this school made him.
- Danny. - Dare to care, man.
I spent more time grading this than you spent writing it.
Anyone have thoughts or memories?
I think you're really good with kids.
I don't know how to be a dad.
I'm just wondering if it will ever be a possibility.
Guys, Mr. Greer's wife is here with us today.
Would you like to say a few words?