This is KQMU.
I'm Wayne the Brain, and you are the ninth caller.
-Who am I speaking to? -Oh, my God. What?
-Oh, my God. Yep. -What? I'm the ninth caller?
Yeah. That's what I said, lady.
Are you serious? Oh, my God, no way! Oh, my God! Really?
Oh, my God, really.
Yeah girl, congratulations.
Hi, I was the ninth caller. I won a car for the contest.
Great. All of our ninth callers are over there getting ready to start.
Oh, no, no. I-- Sorry, I wasn't clear.
I was the ninth caller. I won a car.
No, not yet, you didn't.
Now, keep those lips puckered up and on that car
because we are streaming live at Moss Motors' Kiss-a-Car contest!
Let's make some noise!
Now, it's your boy, Wayne the Brain, live on KQMU Austin.
Now, look, the contest rules are simple.
Whoever kisses the car the longest wins the car.
Now, do not take your mouth off the car for any reason.
And no cheating, y'all, 'cause I got expert judges right over there,
and they are watching you like a hawk. Look at her. She ain't playing.
You will get a ten-minute break, mandated by law, every hour.
That shit's in the Geneva convention.
At the end of that break,
you're gonna hear that song "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.
Y'all remember that song?
Now, by the end of that song,
if your lips are not back on that car, then you are…
outta here.
It's the end of the road for you.
Enough about the rules.
Let's have some fun here at Moss Motors, Austin!
Okay, guys. Let's get it popping.
All right. We're 30 minutes in, y'all.
People looking uncomfortable.
Already. I don't know why you're uncomfortable.
You didn't even have to buy this car dinner or nothing.
You just get to kiss it for free.
You give up? You done? You done, buddy?
No one's quitting yet.
We are ten strong. Ten strong, still kissing this car.
And that is one hour!
Take a break. Stretch it out.
All right. I'm tired just looking at y'all.
I didn't even do nothing.
You had to do what?
I thought you won. You were the ninth caller.
Yeah, no, everybody was the ninth caller. I-- Oh, God, I'm so stupid.
Hey, you're not stupid.
Wait, so how long do you have to kiss it for?
I have no idea.
I can't believe everybody stayed on so long.
That was the longest hour of my life.
Oh, shit. Sorry, one sec.
Thaththi's calling.
Your dad? Why would he be calling? You guys never talk.
I do-- Do I pick up?
I guess?
Okay. You know what? I'll pick up,
and tell him that I'm doing something right for the first time.
-Except, I'm not. -Okay.
Okay. I'll call back.
-Gotta go. Okay, bye. -Okay. Yeah, good luck.
Thaththi, hello?
Hello-- Thaththi?
Sachini, you called me?
No, Thaththi, you called me.
I did not. I don't call you.
It's so bloody loud. Where are you?
I'm at a kiss-a-car contest.
You have time for such nonsense.
Oh, God.
-Hi. -So how'd that go?
It was a butt-dial.
That makes more sense.
So, what's your plan?
It's okay to be the first person eliminated, right?
I bet you can make it to second.
Do you have your Xanax with you?
Yeah.
And I have nowhere else to go today anyway.
Okay, I love you. Gotta go. Bye.
Dave been blocking the tongue right around here.
We've got the defense with the manspreading.
All right. We got a lady right here. She about to be out.
Judges, get an eye on her.
Keep an eye on the clock up there, deejay.
Where are we? Song's almost over, g--
She good? She's good.
She's on. She made it.
Best crab curry in Sri Lanka. I could smell the food from the road.
Hashan, try this and see how it tastes.
-It gets better every time. -Is it good?
It's a miracle.
Sweet Sachini.
I'm so hungry, darling. You can finish your studies after dinner, no?
Look, you're getting all worked up.
Daughter, did you know…
Thaththi used to vomit before his university exams.
Twice. Twice I vomited.
Molecular chem and organic chem. But then I came up with a solution.
What did you do?
All right. Stand up.
Quickly.
You want to make yourself as tense as possible.
Okay? Like this.
When you are anxious. Come on. Make--
Make your body feel the sensation you're feeling inside.
Now let it all go.
All right. That's a break.
You have now been kissing that car
for two hours, which is longer than any relationship I ever had.
You know what I mean?
All right. What we're gonna do right now is go talk to some of these people.
See how they're getting through. How they're holding up.
Hey there, darling. You are live on KQMU. How's your car-kissing going today?
My ex was supposed to be here watching our son, but…
Uh-oh, awkward.
And how about you, buddy? It's pretty cool your mom's trying to win you a car, huh?
-I'm bored. -Bored already.
Well, wait till hour 40. You know what I'm saying?
Okay. He's precious. Hell, bless his heart.
-All right. And how about you? -Hey.
-How's it going? -Wayne, I'm excited…
Actually, hold that thought.
Excuse me. Oh, my gosh. Come here.
It is the girl who came in here thinking she already won the car.
I gotta ask you. Is it hard kissing a car with all that egg on your face?
I'm just playing.
It's Wayne the Brain here, with my girl-- What's your name?
-Sachini. -Sachini. I like that. That's fun.
That is a fun name. That's so fun. "Sachini."
It sounds like, "I'd like a-- one glass of Sachini, please."
You know what I'm saying? Where are you from?
Austin.
Austin, okay. But where are you really from?
-Just outside of Austin. -Okay.
What do you think your chances of winning this car are today?
I don't think I'll win. I just wanna be in the middle.
She just wants to be in the middle.
Well, I don't think you're gonna have any trouble achieving any of your life goals
with that attitude, all right.
Give it up for Chardonnay, everybody. All right. She's fun.
"I'll take one more bottle of Sachini, please."
That guy makes this thing so much more embarrassing.
…is my favorite deejay.
Must be hard having your son here, huh?
It's the worst.
I just stuck him in the corner with his iPad,
and I said, "It's not gonna be much longer now, sweetie."
Wait, is this really gonna go on for 40 hours?
I don't know.
I just hope it's over by tomorrow afternoon 'cause I have a shift.
Well, I guess, for the first time, it's good to be the loser without a job.
How about you, big man? You wanna win this thing,
-or do you just wanna "be in the middle"? -Wayne, you know Subway wants to win it.
By the way, I'm gonna need your help.
Hey, y'all!
Yeah, my name's Jerry,
-but people just call me Subway. -Subway!
As most of y'all know, I won the Toyota Camry in '09
and was a runner-up to a Chevy two years ago
in a rigged, bullshit, piece-of-shit contest.
Might I suggest that we all take turns rotating our stances
so that we don't cramp up?
Okay. Some five-dollar pro tips from Subway, guys.
One of us losers is gonna win this thing. Why not you?
Oh, shit.
Everybody get on the car! Kiss that car!
Lips on car. Lips on car.
None of y'all are gonna give up yet, right? That's right. Uh-uh.
Willing to do what it takes to get what they want.
Kind of like my ex-wife, you know what I mean? Yeah.
How are my socials doing, deejay?
Let's check out some messages.
Oh, yeah. You guys have got some fans.
Stargirl44 says-- Nope, can't read that one.
I just wanna go home!
Okay, Petey, I know how much this sucks. Believe me, I do.
But I am doing this for your own good, okay?
I need this car for you. This is for you, my baba.
I don't want to go.
What rubbish are you talking, "don't want to go"?
Sachini, I've sold our house.
I'm leaving my job that I love. I'm leaving my family and my friends.
And do you know why I'm doing all this?
I'm doing it for you.
You are going to do so well in Texas.
You-- You'll mop the floor with American students.
Your being a success is everything to me.
What's that? We got a sneezer.
Uh-oh, buddy. Oh, yeah.
End of the line for you, Dave. Sorry, buddy.
Oh, my God. Another Dave.
Were you guys switching off shifts?
You guys trying to Parent Trap us?
Don't matter. You're both outta here.
Nine people are left.
This is American engineering.
So, you'll notice this one here.
It looks almost like a molecular structure.
And that one over there, that is on… diagonals.
See, that one is called a plate girder.
Hashan?
Hashan, how was the interview?
How did it go?
Apparently being a chemical engineer doesn't qualify me
to get a job at Crazy Jerry's Electronics.
Good things will happen to us soon.
We have to be patient.
Hashan, look, I made some crab curry. Your favorite.
This is madness.
You know we can't afford bloody crab.
What happened with your geometry quiz?
I got a B-minus.
B-minus?
The way they teach math is confusing. It's hard.
Then work harder!
-You got your alligator? I love you. -I got good news.
-My boss just told me that none of you… -Okay, bye.
-…are going home empty-handed. -I love you.
All runners-up will be receiving a KQMU Wayne the Brain bumper sticker.
Looks good on notebooks,
-backpacks and stuff. -Hey, Sachini.
-Oh, my God. Hi, babe! -Hey. God, I was so worried.
-You're not answering your texts. -Yeah. My phone died, like, two hours ago.
Hey. I got you this.
-It's a little good luck charm. Yeah. -It's so cute.
Babe, look at you! You're still here!
I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
I hate that there's a crowd,
and they keep looking at me like I'm some kind of zoo animal.
They're probably making bets on me.
They're probably making fun of me because I'm an idiot who wore flip-flops.
Hey.
Look, you don't have to do this.
We could go home right now.
I--
But, no, I don't wanna go home. I don't-- I can't quit everything.
So, then…
Maybe you wanna stay?
Okay.
So, I will go home.
I will make you some food. I'll get you a pillow.
Maybe Gatorade.
-What sneakers do you want? -My Nikes.
-Yeah? Hey, I love you. -Yeah. I love you.
-We're doing this. -We're doing this.
I'm gonna get you a car, okay?
-That's a clever song they're playing. -Yeah. I used to think that too.
The test is in two parts.
First part is multiple-choice, followed by a mock lab report.
Show your work, okay?
And that is important. These are the same kind of tests
you're gonna be seeing in college next year.
Sachini,
I'm still not used to seeing your dad here.
Yeah. It's so screwed up.
He has a dual PhD in biochemistry and computer science.
No, I mean, it's totally cool.
My aunt was the nurse at the middle school.
Also, it's totally possible he took this job just to spy on me.
I do not know how you guys are doing this.
Honestly, y'all look miserable, man.
Like my daddy always said,
"There is no shame in quitting."
Do what you gotta do.
I can't. I can't with my back.
Oh, no!
Okay.
That is a shame man, because you only had to last, what?
Three, two, one. Break.
Are you okay?
-I thought you had your ochem midterm? -I had to leave.
You walked out?
I d-- I just… I just need a minute.
You should talk to your professor. You can't just walk out during a test.
-People are waiting out here. -Come on.
She's running down the clock.
She's doing us dirty.
-She's doing us dirty. -Settle down, big dog, okay?
I'm so sorry. I lost track of time.
Are you all right, honey?
Wh--
No.
Hey, she pushed me!
-I did not! -You pushed me.
-Yeah, you did. -You just fell!
-You were leaning up on me-- -No, I did-- Hey!
-Don't hit me here. -That's enough.
-If I hit you, there'd be a problem. -You're both outta here.
-I worked so hard! -I'm not going.
-Come on. -Go to h--
-I'm a loyal custom-- -Come on.
Can I get my neck pillow?
-I'm not gonna do anything, all right? -I kicked them out.
No, I worked hard.
…boarded the Queen Mary. I think it's docked now
in a place in California, Long Beach.
Actually, him and his seven children boarded the Queen Mary and came…
Geez, Sach. What's wrong with you?
My parents are here. They think I'm in college in Houston.
-They don't know you dropped out? -No, not yet.
I have your table ready, if you'll follow me.
I quit school.
It was all for this?
-I'm sorry. -You're sorry? You're sorry?
-Come on. -What's happening?
That's a ten-minute break, y'all.
Ten minutes. Two more down.
That bread looks like I would imagine a bed would feel right now.
I'll just take
-a little off the top. That's fine. -Oh, no. Please take-- Okay.
So, you do a lot of these things?
Yeah. I do call-ins, raffles, radio.
Call-ins. That's a different psychology.
Different personalities.
You know, you either got call-in people or endurance people.
Me? I'm an endurance guy.
You know, kiss-a-car, danceathon, stand on one leg.
I even had to drink a bunch of water and hold in my pee one time.
So what are call-in people?
Well, you want a shortcut, but you don't want to put yourself out there.
Yeah, you want that little hit of affirmation if you win,
but if you lose, well, it's just dumb luck. It's not your fault.
Call-in people are usually pretty low self-esteem.
We are in hour-- I don't know. It's late. It's very late.
Uh-oh, we got a dozer. We got a dozer.
A hero has fallen.
I just lost 20 bucks. Subway, man.
You slid off that thing like a bug on a windshield, brother.
All right, you keep that chin up, my friend.
I tell you what, it has been a pleasure to watch you work, man.
But I'm sorry. It's the end of the line.
So, we are down to cuatro desperados.
Final four, y'all. Game time hoof.
Give you-- You need a minute, brother?
You good? Yes.
Hey.
Sachini.
-Did I miss the hour? -No, no.
-You still got a few minutes. -God, I can hear the song.
Hey, look.
It's to remind you of greatness.
You're so cute.
-To inspire you. -Show me all of it.
And look, on a more practical level…
-how about some brunch? -No, it's too early.
I can't eat.
Been hallucinating Thaththi right over there.
Okay, hey, why don't we go home?
Yeah. Yeah, let's go home. I can't do this anymore.
Okay. Hey.
-You did so great. -Thank you.
And you know what? As a treat, I am gonna get us a Lyft.
Oh, my gosh.
A whole car.
Wow.
You know, Sheneri didn't give Uncle Lasanth a heart attack
by dating a white boy.
Uncle Lasanth had a heart attack
because he smokes filterless cigarettes
he eats fried chicken and rotis full of trans fats
and batu moju every day.
People over 60 have heart attacks, not because their children misbehave,
but because that's how genes work.
-Oh, yeah? -It's a pity.
I'm gonna stay.
Yeah, I'm gonna stay.
Well, it's official, y'all.
We have been doing this for 31 hours.
That is a very long time.
There's nobody buying cars, so Mr. Moss cannot be happy about that.
Well, that's a break. You guys got a break. So…
Thank you.
We love you…
Thaththi and I are hosting a viewing party.
He even went to Best Buy
and bought HDMI cable to connect his computer
to the television to watch the livestream.
You must tell me what "bearded barley" means in that "Kiss Me" song.
You okay?
Yeah--
Just my dad created his first profile to follow me.
Look at his cute lab coat.
So cute. Is he a doctor?
He's a-- He was a chemical engineer.
He would talk about covalent bonds for days.
He gave up the thing he loves the most
so his daughter could be unemployed and make out with cars.
It's what we do.
That's a ten-minute break.
Kiss me Out of the bearded barley
Nightly Beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing Swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes And I will wear that dress, oh
Out on the moonlit floor Lift your open hand
The fireflies dance Silver moon's
Twilight Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Strike up the band And make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
Hey.
Go, go, go.
Kiss it or lose it. Let's take it serious now.
Hey, hey!
Heather.
She gone.
So sorry.
We are down to three.
I hope you win.
That's a break.
Here you go, boss man. It's all you.
Hello. Hi--
If I could have your attention, please.
First of all, thank you for coming to Moss Motors of Austin.
I'm Ted Moss.
Thank you.
And I've got a big announcement.
W-- This contest must end.
What are you talking about?
Well, we just did not know it was gonna go on this long.
Yeah, but here's the thing, guys.
Mr. Moss and all the party animals over at KQMU,
we put our heads together,
and what we're gonna do is, we're gonna put all your names in a hat,
Oh, my God.
and we're gonna pick a winner the old-fashioned way.
-Pure luck. -Yep.
-What a pile of horseshit. -Come on, man.
Craig Knauer.
I can't--
No, I'm so sorry. You are not the winner of the new car.
But you get these tickets to Bruno Mars.
Yeah. Sorry, man. We-- You know, we should have told you that.
We're tr-- kind of building the suspense here. But that means…
Lorraine Dillon, you my friend, are gonna be driving home that grill, right there.
You don't even gotta kiss it or nothing. You just win it.
Oh, my God.
That means Sachini, you just won yourself a car.
You win! You did it.
It's over. We can go home.
We're done. It's over.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Come see the car.
Wow!
This car.
Take Thaththi for a ride.
You're having a party.
They're fine. They're fine. Okay.
Hashan, come. Hashan, please come.
Mom, get into the car.
No, take your dad.
Take your dad.
After that, I get to drive this, right?
Course you can.
You remember?
Should we get you home?
Maybe a little longer.