1 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:08,508 [indistinct overlapping chatter] 2 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,843 [woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock. 3 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:54,387 [audience cheers and applauds] 4 00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:13,740 Yeah. 5 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,452 Please. 6 00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:19,120 Oh, sit down. 7 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,666 Sit yo asses down. 8 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:27,378 Please let me get on with the show. 9 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,756 It's nice to be here. 10 00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:31,257 Brooklyn. 11 00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:35,053 Here's my question. 12 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,638 You would think... 13 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,264 You would think... 14 00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:42,310 You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid... 15 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,813 just to make it look good. 16 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,608 You would think that every couple of months 17 00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:51,736 they'd look at their dead nigga calender and go... 18 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,281 "Oh, my God, we're up to 16. 19 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,909 We gotta shoot a white kid quick." 20 00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:02,580 "Uh, which one?" "The first one you see singing Cardi B." 21 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:10,380 That's right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world... 22 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,632 with real equality. 23 00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:14,717 I wanna live in a world... 24 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:18,763 where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. 25 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,808 An equal world. 26 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:26,479 I wanna see white mothers on TV crying. 27 00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,608 Standing next to Al Sharpton. 28 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,947 Talking about, "We need justice for Chad. 29 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,034 We need justice for Chad. 30 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:44,122 He was just coming home from racquetball practice." 31 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,377 I know some people like, "Come on, Chris, man. 32 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,462 You go too hard on the cops, man. 33 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,672 You're a celebrity. 34 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,342 I'm sure they let you go. I'm sure they're nice to you, man. You a celebrity." 35 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,928 Yeah, I'm famous, you know. 36 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,764 But I'm not, like, Michael Jackson, famous. 37 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:04,517 I'm not famous from miles away. 38 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,150 Like, my fame kicks in right about here. 39 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,197 You know? When the cops see me walking down the street, 40 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,782 they're like, "Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga... 41 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,202 Hey, that's Chris Rock! 42 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,041 Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man." 43 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:34,797 It's weird, man. It's weird. 44 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,342 You know, this whole thing with the cops, man, 'cause... 45 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:41,137 You know, as a black man, especially a grown black man, 46 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,515 I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. 47 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:48,770 Like, on one hand I'm a black man so I'm like, "Fuck the police." 48 00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:53,316 And on the other hand, I own property. 49 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:01,616 You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I'm not calling the crips. 50 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,120 Uh, yo, crips... 51 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,790 can you send Lil' JJ down? 52 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,042 Oh, he's here already. 53 00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:19,092 My bad. My bad." I mean, here's the thing with the cops, though, 54 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:23,972 I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man. It's a hard fucking job, man. 55 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,933 I mean, honestly, I don't think they pay cops enough. 56 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:32,355 -I don't think they pay police enough. -[scattered clapping] 57 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,650 And you get what you pay for. 58 00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:46,035 Here's the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man... 59 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,414 they always say the same things, man. They always say the same thing. 60 00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:53,960 It's like, "Well, it's not most cops. It's just a few bad apples." 61 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,213 It's just a few bad apples. 62 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,631 Bad apple? 63 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,426 That's a lovely name for murderer. 64 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:07,223 It's like, how'd they get that one? "Bad apple?" That almost sounds nice. 65 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,268 I mean, I've had a bad apple. 66 00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:13,187 It was tart. 67 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,482 But it didn't choke me out. 68 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:22,739 Here's the thing. Here's the thing.  I know it's hard being a cop. 69 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,074 I know it's hard. I know that shit's dangerous. 70 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,160 I know it is, ok? 71 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:31,289 But some jobs can't have bad apples. 72 00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:36,002 Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. 73 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,297 Like... pilots. 74 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,009 -[scattered clapping] -You know? 75 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:48,723 American Airlines can't be like, "Most of our pilots like to land. 76 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:54,062 We just got a few bad apples... 77 00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:56,981 that like to crash into mountains. 78 00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,817 Please bear with us." 79 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,906 America's insane, man. 80 00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,950 Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. 81 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,620 You know, we got cop problems. 82 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:14,832 We got the gun problems. This gun shit ain't going nowhere, ok? 83 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,628 It's like, "Gun control." There ain't never gonna be no gun control, ok? 84 00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:21,297 You talk about it too long and you will get shot. 85 00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,885 They will shoot yo ass, ok? 86 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:29,722 That's right. They never, ever changing the gun laws. 87 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,892 Because Americans need the right to hunt. 88 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,395 They need to hunt. It's like, "Really?" 89 00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,898 Hunting's that fucking important? I mean... 90 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,858 I've been hunting. I've been hunting. 91 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:43,694 I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. 92 00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:47,448 Went hunting with my grandfather. Uh, I shot a rabbit. 93 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:50,785 I cried. 94 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,040 He called me a faggot. 95 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,006 And he's a preacher. 96 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:12,306 They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok? 97 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,392 And somebody will come on TV. 98 00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:16,102 You know, and they'll just talk like... 99 00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:21,274 "Hey, you know, guns don't kill people. People kill people. 100 00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:27,113 As a matter of fact, if the gunman would've had a knife... 101 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,908 he could've stabbed 100 people to death. 102 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,912 Could've stabbed 100 people? 103 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,790 Yo, check this out. Check this out. 104 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:42,712 If 100 people ever got stabbed, 105 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,715 at the same time, 106 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:50,136 in the same place by the same person, 107 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,556 you know what that would mean? 108 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:59,061 Ninety-seven people deserved to die. 109 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,569 What? You just watching this shit? 110 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,906 "Oh shit, somebody got stabbed. 111 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,492 Oh, they stabbed somebody else. 112 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,577 Oh, he stabbed somebody else. 113 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,579 Oh, he getting closer. 114 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,124 Oh, he stabbed me. 115 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,044 I didn't see that coming. 116 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,922 Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me. 117 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,216 He's a stabbin' fool. 118 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,886 Guess that's why they call him Stabby." 119 00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:37,016 Yo, it is so good to be here right now. 120 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,602 Glad to be back. Here's the weird thing. 121 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,568 I've been so busy, man. I've been busy. 122 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,363 People like, "Where you been? Been busy, trying to raise some kids. 123 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:52,573 That shit's a job. 124 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,619 Now, my oldest daughter just started high school. 125 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,080 Just started high school. Lola just started high school. 126 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,165 And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole. 127 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:02,917 And, uh... 128 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,255 Kept her off the pole, you know. 129 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,383 She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we're working on it. 130 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:16,138 She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation. 131 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:19,684 You ever go to freshman orientation? It's the most boring thing 132 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,894 you will ever do with your kids. 133 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:25,231 You know, 'cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this. 134 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:28,484 With, you know, a couple thousand kids. 135 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:32,780 People come up and speak and just lie to children. 136 00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:38,744 That's all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children 137 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,079 about the future. 138 00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:42,832 And I'm sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, 139 00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:47,128 "I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be. 140 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:52,133 You can be absolutely anything you wanna be." 141 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:55,511 I'm like, "Lady, why are you lying to these children?" 142 00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:59,807 Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be. 143 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:05,313 But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. 144 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,735 Shit, I'm looking at these kids right now. 145 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,654 I count at least 60 Uber drivers. 146 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:21,537 They could be anything they wanna be. Shut the fuck up. 147 00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,956 Really? They could be anything they wanna be? 148 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,542 Then how come you're a vice principal? 149 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,254 Was that the dream? 150 00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:34,592 Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? 151 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,261 Put your little vice principal hat on? 152 00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:41,432 Tell the kids the truth. 153 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,225 Tell the kids the fucking truth. 154 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,603 Say, "Hey kids, check this out. 155 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:49,815 Check this out. You can be anything you're good at. 156 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,152 As long as they're hiring." 157 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,614 [laughter and applause] 158 00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,454 And even then it helps to know somebody. 159 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,835 So, I'm sitting there. I'm in school and I'm watching this shit. 160 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:14,965 And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn't right. 161 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,968 You know, 'cause I got black kids, man. 162 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,972 You know, and I'm sitting there, I'm like, "I don't think this is right." 163 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,809 I think they need separate orientations. 164 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:30,439 I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. 165 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:33,859 Because the black kids, you're, you're... 166 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,946 You know, you're getting ready to face a whole other world. 167 00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:40,574 I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man. 168 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:44,120 I gotta get them ready for America, man. 169 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,955 You know? It's like, you know. 170 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,333 I mean, not the white man that's here tonight. You guys are alright. 171 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,670 Ya'll cool. Every one of you. 172 00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,048 I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards 173 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,384 putting little black girls through private school. 174 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:09,311 Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, "I made a difference." 175 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:21,615 But so I'm at school and I'm like, "Yo, I think we need separate orientations." 176 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,702 'Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man. 177 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:28,330 If you're not, then you're fucking up as a parent, ok? 178 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:32,877 I've been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born. 179 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,836 Ok? 180 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:37,757 Even before they was born, I've been preparing them for the white man. 181 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:41,510 Yeah. That's right. My house, we don't have fire drills. 182 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,389 We have white-r drills. 183 00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,018 So, ever since my kids were born, 184 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,604 I've been getting them ready for the white man. 185 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:54,315 So, everything in my house... 186 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,150 that's the color white... 187 00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,613 is either hot, heavy, or sharp. 188 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,955 So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, 189 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,041 they gotta think about that shit. 190 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,050 They gotta contemplate this shit. 191 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,594 "Oh, this napkin, ok. 192 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,514 Should I wipe my mouth with it? 193 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,308 Or is that what whitey wants me to do?" 194 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:35,147 Ever since they was born, everything in my house, 195 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,233 hot, heavy, or sharp. 196 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,611 They sit on a white toilet seat. Burn their ass. 197 00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:44,740 "Daddy, my ass is burning." 198 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,826 "It's white motherfucker. It's white. 199 00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,453 That's what whitey do. 200 00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,581 He burn your fucking ass. 201 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,377 Pay attention." 202 00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:09,181 Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. 203 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,601 [crying] "Daddy! 204 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,772 Dad, it's so heavy. 205 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,191 It's so heavy. 206 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,819 This hurts. I can't even stand. 207 00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:23,904 I can't even stand." 208 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,323 "It's white, motherfucker. It's white. 209 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,033 That's what whitey do. 210 00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:29,869 He break your back." 211 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:41,005 At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream... 212 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,424 with glass in it. 213 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:52,224 "Daddy, my tongue's bleeding." 214 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,727 "Should've got chocolate." 215 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,812 [laughter and clapping] 216 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:08,532 Yeah, I go hard. I got girls and I go hard. 217 00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:13,162 So, if you got a black son, shit, you gotta just punch him in the face. 218 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,417 So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it's like, 219 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,085 "Morning, nigga. Pow." 220 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:28,218 If you don't punch your black son in the face, 221 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,762 that's child abuse. 222 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,643 It's rough out there for a black boy, man. 223 00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,770 It's rough! That's right. 224 00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:42,483 Some people say young black men are an endangered species. 225 00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,234 But, that's not true. 226 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,821 Because endangered species are protected by the government. 227 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,783 [applause and cheers] 228 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,413 [high-pitched] True. 229 00:15:56,872 --> 00:16:00,709 That's right, you got to punch your black son in the fucking face. 230 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,087 You understand me? Hard. 231 00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,339 Yeah, I said it. 232 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,467 On Netflix, I said that shit. 233 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:14,640 You understand? It's important that your black son follow your instructions. 234 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,977 It's the difference between life and death, ok? 235 00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:19,728 Ok? Yeah. 236 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,898 Yeah, 'cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man. 237 00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,651 We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. 238 00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:30,572 We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime 239 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:35,244 in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence. 240 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,121 Only in America. 241 00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,623 We gotta change this justice system, yo. 242 00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,709 The American justice system 243 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,460 should be like Walmart. 244 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,880 Should be just like Walmart. 245 00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:51,552 It's like, "Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we'll match it." 246 00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,894 So, I'm at the school. I'm at the school. 247 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,605 And, the lady comes back out. 248 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:08,318 She goes, "I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies. 249 00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,779 We have a no-bully policy. 250 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,157 We don't-- We don't-- We don't permit bullying. 251 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,493 Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately." 252 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:21,707 And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. 253 00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,003 It's like, "What kind of half-assed education is this?" 254 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:32,509 I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. 255 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,846 Life has assholes. 256 00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:39,475 And you should learn how to deal with them 257 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,185 as soon as possible. 258 00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:46,231 God forbid, you wait till you're 30 to find out people ain't shit. 259 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,196 That's a lesson you need, quick. 260 00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,158 That's right. I mean, one of the problems with the world 261 00:17:56,241 --> 00:18:00,204 is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are. 262 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,999 These souped up kids walking the streets today 263 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,085 thinking they're fucking special. 264 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,587 I'm walking down the street, always some kid, 265 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,214 "Hey, good work, Chris. 266 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,925 Really funny, Chris. Love your work." 267 00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,010 I'm like, "It's Mr. Rock, bitch." 268 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:24,311 Stop telling your kids that they special. 269 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,647 Maybe they special to you. 270 00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,316 But not to me. 271 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:30,776 I don't play that shit. 272 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,029 Everyday before my kids leave to school, 273 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,824 I get them at the door. I'm like, "Lola, Zahra, check this out. 274 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:40,661 Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. 275 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:46,291 Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. 276 00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,961 Nobody thinks you're cute. Nobody thinks you're smart. 277 00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,213 Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. 278 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:55,884 Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door 279 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,554 gives a fuck about you. 280 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,597 [clapping and laughing] 281 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,391 Nobody! 282 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,894 And even some of the people inside the house... 283 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,062 [laughter] 284 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,314 ...a little on the fence." 285 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:15,821 We need bullies. 286 00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:18,198 How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies? 287 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:21,118 Bullies do half the work. 288 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,786 That's right. 289 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,329 Teachers do one half. 290 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,874 Bullies do the whole other half. 291 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:30,836 And that's the half you're gonna use as a fucking grown-up. 292 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:34,798 That's right. Who gives a fuck if you can code... 293 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:40,137 if you start crying 'cause your boss didn't say hi? 294 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,979 You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me. 295 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:54,026 You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? 296 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,530 "Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker. 297 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,618 Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch. 298 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:07,623 Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker. 299 00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:12,002 I'm gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate. 300 00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:13,754 Gate motherfucker. 301 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,964 You can't get in the gate, Gates." 302 00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:24,139 You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? 303 00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:26,183 "Hey, Zucker-fuck. 304 00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:30,562 Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother. 305 00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:32,856 Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck. 306 00:20:32,981 --> 00:20:34,983 Suck my nuts-er, Zucker. 307 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,903 Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother. 308 00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,530 Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker." 309 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:48,622 He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. 310 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:55,295 He invented Facebook just to get friends. 311 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,716 We need bullies. 312 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,052 Shit, pressure makes diamonds. 313 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,471 Not hugs. 314 00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:09,434 That's right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. 315 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,812 You get a dirty shirt. 316 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,734 I'm telling you, we need fucking bullies. 317 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:21,238 That's why there's so many fat kids in school right now. 318 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,366 'Cause there's nobody to take their lunch money. 319 00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:35,794 You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. 320 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,799 We need bullies, man. 321 00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:45,137 I hate when people go, "You know what, cyber bullying is worse." 322 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:46,638 Shut up. 323 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:51,018 I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs. 324 00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:56,064 I've never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them. 325 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,987 We need fucking bullies. Shit, that's how Trump became president. 326 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,740 That's exactly what happened. 327 00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:06,533 We got rid of bullies. 328 00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:11,830 A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. 329 00:22:11,913 --> 00:22:13,915 [applause and cheers] 330 00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:21,798 Shit. 331 00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:27,471 The cast of The Apprentice is running the world. 332 00:22:30,974 --> 00:22:33,477 Trump, the daughter, Omarosa. 333 00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:37,773 They run the world, man. 334 00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:40,776 Yo, man, this shit is crazy. 335 00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:46,073 A lot of people are like, "Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his". 336 00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:48,950 You know, some people never get theirs. 337 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,206 Some people just fail up. 338 00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:58,752 People are like, "Well, you know, what goes around comes around." 339 00:22:58,835 --> 00:22:59,795 No, it don't. 340 00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:04,341 Sometimes it just keeps going around. 341 00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:10,180 Ain't nothing gonna happen to Trump, man. 342 00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:13,100 Nothing's gonna happen to Trump. Here's the crazy thing. 343 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,185 It might just work out. 344 00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,813 Trump might work out. 345 00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,441 -Yeah, I said it. -[laughing] 346 00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:23,819 Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way. 347 00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:26,613 Bush was so bad... 348 00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,698 he gave us Obama. 349 00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,869 You forget that shit, don't you? 350 00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:35,497 Bush was so bad that people said, 351 00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,874 "Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers." 352 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:47,384 I think people overlook George Bush's contributions to black history. 353 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,269 George Bush is a black revolutionary. 354 00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:01,565 Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush. 355 00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,695 They need to honor him at the Essence Festival. 356 00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:15,871 It might work out, man. Think about it. 357 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,958 Bush was so bad he gave us Obama. 358 00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,419 Shit, Trump's so bad... 359 00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,880 he gonna give us Jesus. 360 00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,012 "Jesus, what you doing here?" "You seen Trump?" 361 00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:35,015 This shit is serious. 362 00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:38,643 Oh, man. 363 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,773 Jesus. I'm trying to get my life together, man. 364 00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:46,234 I'm trying to get a little religion in my life. 365 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:47,819 Just a little. 366 00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:50,864 Just a little. 367 00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:54,117 Religion is kinda like salt. 368 00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:01,208 A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal. 369 00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:08,507 I mean, I'm basically trying to find God before God finds me. 370 00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:11,384 [laughter, scattered clapping] 371 00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:15,805 But, God never finds you at a good time. 372 00:25:16,431 --> 00:25:19,476 You're never sitting court side at a Knick game.... 373 00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:22,187 getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and... 374 00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:25,857 God shows up.  "She strokes a good dick, don't she? 375 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,028 I made her. I made your dick too. 376 00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:31,780 Enjoy the game." 377 00:25:35,575 --> 00:25:37,911 God never shows up at those times. 378 00:25:38,286 --> 00:25:41,248 No, God shows up after you've been raped in jail. 379 00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:47,504 And you're in jail for parking tickets. 380 00:25:55,178 --> 00:25:57,514 Now, if you in jail for murder, 381 00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:02,143 and somebody's raping you, you're like, "Ok, I guess this is what I deserve. 382 00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:05,188 I did kill somebody. 383 00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:07,732 Now somebody is killing my ass. 384 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:10,402 Rape on." 385 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:16,366 But if you in jail for parking tickets, 386 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,786 and somebody's fucking you in your ass, 387 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:21,496 you're like, 388 00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:24,207 "I should've moved that car." 389 00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:26,876 -[laughter] -[scattered claps] 390 00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:33,341 "What was I thinking? 391 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,011 I thought it was Good Friday. 392 00:26:37,637 --> 00:26:39,180 They keep moving Easter." 393 00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:45,353 Trying to find God before God finds me. 394 00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:47,731 You know, lotta religion in the news, man. 395 00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:51,526 You ever watch the news, they're always talking about religious extremists. 396 00:26:52,485 --> 00:26:54,487 We're at war with extremists. 397 00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:57,532 Extremists. What is a religious extremist? 398 00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:03,455 A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. 399 00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:09,252 You think you believe in God. No, they extremely... believe in God. 400 00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,880 Like, "God coming back on Wednesday. 401 00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:15,133 At 2:30, I got tickets. 402 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:18,887 Fantasia is opening for him. 403 00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:22,682 I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by." 404 00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:27,354 That's right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God. 405 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,273 And occasionally blow shit up. 406 00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,234 Which is really odd when you think about it. 407 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:34,944 'Cause if you truly believe in God, 408 00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:37,906 you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun. 409 00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:41,910 You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. 410 00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:45,372 So, if you believe God's the most powerful being in the universe, 411 00:27:45,455 --> 00:27:48,124 why would he need your help? 412 00:27:49,793 --> 00:27:51,586 What is that shit? 413 00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:55,006 -And... It... I'm sorry. -[applause] 414 00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,679 Helping God? And it's never nobody smart helping God out. 415 00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:05,016 It's never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson. 416 00:28:05,975 --> 00:28:10,313 It's always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago. 417 00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:12,857 It's like, "What the fuck? 418 00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:15,610 Wasn't you loading trucks two weeks ago? 419 00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:17,570 Now you're helping out God? 420 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:19,656 That is some promotion." 421 00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:23,201 What the fuck is going on? 422 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:25,704 I mean, here's the thing. I think... 423 00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:29,207 the act of helping God is sacrilegious. 424 00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:33,545 If you think you can help God out, you don't believe in God. 425 00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:37,340 If you really had faith you'd really have faith. I mean, check this out. 426 00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:40,927 I haven't been to church in ten years. 427 00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:43,471 Now that's believing in God. 428 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,515 [laugher and applause] 429 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,979 Shit, you go every week 'cause you don't trust God. 430 00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,570 Nah, man. But I love religion. 431 00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:01,531 I love watching religion, studying religion. 432 00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:05,702 The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to, 433 00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:07,871 no matter what you study, 434 00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:09,581 every religion... 435 00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:13,168 follows one basic premise. 436 00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:17,380 One basic idea that every religion follows. 437 00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:22,927 And that... And that premise is, God doesn't make mistakes. 438 00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:25,513 Every religion believes that. Every one. 439 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:28,975 "God, does not make... 440 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,105 mistakes. 441 00:29:34,898 --> 00:29:36,232 I said, God... 442 00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,903 does not [high-pitched] make... 443 00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:42,989 mistakes. 444 00:29:46,910 --> 00:29:48,912 Ok, God don't make no mistakes? 445 00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:52,081 That's-- That's... Ok. That's... 446 00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,501 That's a pretty ambitious thing to say. 447 00:29:55,126 --> 00:29:57,796 No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? 448 00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,634 What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? 449 00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:05,053 God rested. 450 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:10,767 Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest. 451 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:14,771 Let me ask you a question. 452 00:30:15,563 --> 00:30:18,066 Have you ever been performing a task? 453 00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:24,113 It was going perfect, and you took a rest? 454 00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:28,284 Has that ever happened in your life? 455 00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:32,622 No, that has never fucking happened to you. 456 00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:37,168 What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, 457 00:30:38,461 --> 00:30:43,508 and you thought, "Let me rest... before I fuck this up some more." 458 00:30:43,591 --> 00:30:45,593 [laughter and applause] 459 00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:52,183 God doesn't make mistakes. Hush your mouth. 460 00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:55,311 God make plenty of mistakes. 461 00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:56,771 You ever see a porcupine? 462 00:30:59,482 --> 00:31:01,484 Can't eat it. Can't hug it. 463 00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:05,238 It's ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. 464 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:06,823 Mistake. 465 00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:13,663 What about quicksand? 466 00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:16,875 Sand you can drown in. 467 00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:19,586 You can drown dry. 468 00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:23,631 You think God meant to make quicksand? 469 00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:25,592 Mistake. 470 00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:30,763 You ever been to Mississippi? 471 00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:35,935 Mistake. 472 00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:40,565 M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! 473 00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:49,616 You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. 474 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:54,370 Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago. 475 00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,165 I couldn't even tell what year it was. 476 00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:01,628 That's how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. 477 00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:05,131 Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi's like? 478 00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:08,509 You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean? 479 00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:13,139 You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van? 480 00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:18,895 That drive. That scary-ass drive... 481 00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:22,774 from the airport to the resort. 482 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:27,528 And you're looking out the window, you're like, "What the fuck? 483 00:32:28,404 --> 00:32:31,407 What the fuck is that shit? 484 00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,326 Oh, my God! 485 00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:34,994 Whoa!" 486 00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,747 You see little kids eating dreadlocks. 487 00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:45,046 You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. 488 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,173 Shabba. Shabba. 489 00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:49,509 Shabba. Shabba. 490 00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:57,183 See, people looking like they never saw a car before. 491 00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:07,735 Wheel. Wheel. 492 00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,782 Then you get to the resort and you're like, "Jamaica's nice." 493 00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:23,501 "It's so nice. We should invite your mother." 494 00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:28,381 Shit. 495 00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,676 They give you one piña colada... 496 00:33:34,345 --> 00:33:37,598 and you forgive the worst poverty you've ever seen. 497 00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:44,981 You take one sip, you're like... 498 00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,650 "That baby wasn't really dead, right?" 499 00:33:55,491 --> 00:33:57,160 "I can't wait to jet ski." 500 00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:05,251 Trying to find God before God finds me. 501 00:34:06,252 --> 00:34:08,004 Trying to get my life together, man. 502 00:34:08,379 --> 00:34:11,966 I had a crazy... Last few years have been crazy for me, man. 503 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:14,385 Uh... [mutters] You know. 504 00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:17,430 Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. 505 00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:20,725 -Divorced. No, no. Don't... -[sparse claps] 506 00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:22,643 No. 507 00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:25,313 Don't clap for that shit unless you're a lawyer. 508 00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,526 You don't wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now. 509 00:34:30,610 --> 00:34:33,738 I'm talking-- I'm talking from hell. You don't want this shit. 510 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:37,366 Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight. 511 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:39,994 That's right. Hold fucking tight. 512 00:34:40,828 --> 00:34:44,665 Commit. Don't be the one that's always threatening to leave, too. 513 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,335 That's right. Love hard or get the fuck out. 514 00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:50,630 If you're gonna leave, leave right now. 515 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,257 That's right. At the show. Right now. 516 00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:59,263 That's right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back. 517 00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:05,353 That's right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options. 518 00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:11,317 Some of ya'll been in relationships so long, you don't know how ugly you are. 519 00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:18,449 That's right. 520 00:35:18,574 --> 00:35:22,495 Love hard or get the fuck out. 521 00:35:22,578 --> 00:35:24,247 Ok. You hear me? 522 00:35:24,539 --> 00:35:26,165 I'm telling you right now. 523 00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:28,584 If you're in a relationship, 524 00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:32,672 all you should be doing is fucking and going places. 525 00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:36,592 That's all you should be doing. 526 00:35:38,219 --> 00:35:40,221 Having sex and traveling. 527 00:35:40,638 --> 00:35:42,390 Fucking and going places. 528 00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:44,100 You should be coming and going. 529 00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,148 That's all you should be doing. 530 00:35:50,606 --> 00:35:52,942 Ok? People say, "Oh, relationships are tough." 531 00:35:53,025 --> 00:35:53,901 No, they not. 532 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:56,737 They're only tough when one person's working on it. 533 00:35:57,446 --> 00:36:00,658 That's right. Two people could move a couch real easy. 534 00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:04,370 One person can't move it at all. 535 00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:09,167 That's right. If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok? 536 00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:11,377 I'm trying to fucking help you, ok? 537 00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:13,838 Ok, first rule. Rule one. 538 00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:16,299 Stop competing. 539 00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:18,885 It's not a fucking competition. 540 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,219 That's right. 541 00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:25,183 Her success is your success and your success is her success. 542 00:36:25,683 --> 00:36:27,768 Stop competing. 543 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,522 Stop it, ok? 544 00:36:31,647 --> 00:36:33,149 Number two. 545 00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:35,401 Number two, ok? 546 00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:39,363 There is no equality in a relationship. 547 00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:42,825 It's like, "We equals." No, you're not. 548 00:36:43,242 --> 00:36:45,244 You're both there to serve. 549 00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:49,332 You're in the service industry, ok? 550 00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:50,708 That's right. 551 00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:54,170 When you're in a relationship, you're in a band. 552 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:56,881 You're in a fucking band. 553 00:36:57,256 --> 00:37:01,802 And when you're in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. 554 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:07,141 Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you're on tambourine. 555 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:15,107 And if you're on tambourine, play it right. 556 00:37:16,692 --> 00:37:19,862 Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. 557 00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:24,617 'Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. 558 00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:37,046 That's right. If you're gonna play tambourine, 559 00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:38,673 you play that motherfucker right. 560 00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:40,508 You play it with your ass, like... 561 00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:42,635 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ 562 00:37:42,718 --> 00:37:44,428 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ 563 00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:46,555 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ 564 00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:48,891 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ 565 00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:52,937 Play it like Tina Turner. 566 00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:56,399 That's right. You in a band. 567 00:37:57,149 --> 00:37:58,734 It's like Hall and Oates. 568 00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:01,195 I don't know what Oates does. 569 00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:06,075 But Hall never had a hit record without him. 570 00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:15,084 Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together? 571 00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:17,003 You gotta fuck. 572 00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:22,383 It's that simple. You gots to fuck. 573 00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:29,265 People are like, "When we got together, it was so fun, but then problems arose." 574 00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:32,601 No they didn't. Nothing arose. 575 00:38:34,103 --> 00:38:38,774 Every problem you have today, you had when you met. 576 00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:41,485 But you were fucking so you forgave. 577 00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:51,454 That's right. You knew he didn't do dishes. 578 00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:55,458 But he gave you good dick. 579 00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:59,462 That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes. 580 00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:03,215 You used to love washing them dick dishes. 581 00:39:07,678 --> 00:39:09,680 You knew she couldn't cook. 582 00:39:10,806 --> 00:39:12,224 But she licked your balls. 583 00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:16,437 You're like, "Ah, keep licking. We'll order in." 584 00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:22,860 You gots to fuck. 585 00:39:23,402 --> 00:39:25,112 You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up. 586 00:39:25,988 --> 00:39:28,908 And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you're in. 587 00:39:29,241 --> 00:39:31,994 You gotta keep the shit moving. 588 00:39:32,119 --> 00:39:35,081 You can't wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. 589 00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:38,709 That's right. 590 00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:41,629 That's right. Ladies, are you listening to me? 591 00:39:42,588 --> 00:39:45,466 Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy  dick. 592 00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:56,394 You gotta do what you gotta do. 593 00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:59,397 'Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. 594 00:40:03,818 --> 00:40:06,195 "I can't believe there's no gas in the car." 595 00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:16,622 "Can't believe there's so much mold  in the basement." 596 00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:23,754 Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11. 597 00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:30,553 Where were you? 598 00:40:30,636 --> 00:40:32,638 [laughter] 599 00:40:39,812 --> 00:40:43,107 No, man. You gots to fuck, man. 600 00:40:43,482 --> 00:40:46,527 Dude, I was married for 16 years. 601 00:40:47,069 --> 00:40:48,696 Married for 16 years. Yeah. 602 00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,490 That's a long run. Hamilton won't last that long. 603 00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:57,288 I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone. 604 00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:01,542 Which means my 16 years, 605 00:41:01,876 --> 00:41:05,421 is actually longer than my parents' 40. 606 00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:09,508 That's right. In 16 years, I had more contact 607 00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:14,054 with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years. 608 00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:17,475 Ok? My father used to leave for work 609 00:41:17,558 --> 00:41:20,811 at 6:30 in the morning 610 00:41:20,895 --> 00:41:24,064 and come home at 8:30 at night. 611 00:41:24,273 --> 00:41:29,737 And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact 612 00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:31,822 at all. 613 00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:33,657 None. 614 00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:35,201 Ok? 615 00:41:35,284 --> 00:41:37,870 That's what a relationship used to be. 616 00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:40,039 The kids could've been dead. 617 00:41:41,540 --> 00:41:44,960 And he wouldn't have found that shit out till he got home. 618 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,589 He'd be like, "Baby, the kids are dead." "What time they die?" 619 00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:50,716 "About eight hours ago." "Damn, I missed it." 620 00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222 Yes, that's right. You know what else? 621 00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:58,641 They actually missed each other. 622 00:41:59,016 --> 00:42:00,851 They missed each other. 623 00:42:01,227 --> 00:42:04,522 You know you can't miss nobody in 2017. 624 00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,941 Not really. You can say it. 625 00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:09,401 But you don't really miss a motherfucker. 626 00:42:09,818 --> 00:42:12,154 'Cause you with them all the time. 627 00:42:12,238 --> 00:42:14,240 They in your fucking pocket. 628 00:42:16,033 --> 00:42:20,287 Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text. 629 00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:22,706 You get a ping. You get a beep. 630 00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:26,627 You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something. 631 00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:28,295 You know, a FaceTime. 632 00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:30,464 And then later on your woman goes, 633 00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:32,383 "You act like you don't wanna talk." 634 00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:36,470 Like, "What the fuck are you talking about? 635 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:39,348 I know everything you did today. 636 00:42:40,766 --> 00:42:42,893 And I know how people felt about it. 637 00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:47,314 I gave you five likes, bitch. 638 00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:53,445 I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant." 639 00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,036 Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. 640 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,622 I'll just... I was fucked up. You know? 641 00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:05,332 I was addicted to porn. 642 00:43:07,251 --> 00:43:09,753 I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right? 643 00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,552 I was addicted to porn. 644 00:43:16,635 --> 00:43:18,387 You know. And, you know. You know. 645 00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:20,598 I was 15 minutes late, everywhere. 646 00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:27,771 I got some witnesses. 647 00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:32,776 When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here's what happens to you. 648 00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:35,904 You become, like, sexually autistic. 649 00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:40,409 You develop, like, sexual autism. 650 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:44,079 You have a hard time with eye contact and... 651 00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:46,332 verbal cues. 652 00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:49,668 You want everything to be routine. 653 00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,504 Like, you can't choke your woman every night. 654 00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:55,674 You gotta mix it up. 655 00:43:56,091 --> 00:43:57,551 Choke-out Thursdays. 656 00:44:01,513 --> 00:44:05,643 And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know? 657 00:44:05,726 --> 00:44:08,896 It's like, when you start watching porn, it's like, any porn will do. 658 00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:10,773 It's like, "Ah, they're naked! Ooh-hoo!" 659 00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:14,026 Then later on, now you're all fucked up. 660 00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:17,363 And you need a perfect porn cocktail... 661 00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:20,908 to get you off, no? 662 00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:24,078 I was so fucked up. Like, I'd need an Asian girl, 663 00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:26,413 with a black girl's ass... 664 00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:28,624 that speaks Spanish. 665 00:44:32,252 --> 00:44:34,922 Just to get my dick to move an inch. 666 00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:39,593 I'm a lot better now. Ladies... 667 00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:41,470 that's right, take care of your man. 668 00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:45,265 Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her. 669 00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,267 Or she will leave you. 670 00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:51,855 She will leave you either physically or mentally. 671 00:44:52,648 --> 00:44:54,650 A woman can leave you mentally. 672 00:44:56,735 --> 00:45:00,364 That's right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker. 673 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:04,993 There's guys that think they with they wife right now. 674 00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:10,582 But no, nigga, she left you months ago. 675 00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:14,128 She just came 'cause you got tickets. 676 00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,718 She ain't with you. She with me. 677 00:45:26,098 --> 00:45:29,560 Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing... 678 00:45:29,643 --> 00:45:31,395 the gangster-est shit in the world. 679 00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:36,525 You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, 680 00:45:37,067 --> 00:45:39,820 nothing more powerful than a housewife. 681 00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,949 Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. 682 00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,744 People think it's the working woman. No. 683 00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,495 Suckers work. 684 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:54,668 That's right. 685 00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:58,005 Smart people find other people to work for them. 686 00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:02,843 That's right. That's right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta. 687 00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:05,304 They don't got the working bitches of Atlanta. 688 00:46:08,056 --> 00:46:10,058 Nobody would watch that show. 689 00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:13,020 No, a housewife's a bad motherfucker, boy. 690 00:46:13,604 --> 00:46:16,064 'Cause the housewife has convinced the husband... 691 00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:18,233 that it's his house, too. 692 00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:23,363 There's a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house. 693 00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:26,450 Think it's they house too. No. 694 00:46:26,742 --> 00:46:29,411 She took that house years ago. 695 00:46:30,287 --> 00:46:31,914 And the kids were in on it. 696 00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:35,167 That's right. 697 00:46:35,709 --> 00:46:37,878 That's right, the housewife's a bad motherfucker. 698 00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,631 'Cause the housewife got a little time. That's right. 699 00:46:40,714 --> 00:46:43,383 So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together 700 00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:45,469 and they rehearse a little play... 701 00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,973 that they do when Daddy get home. 702 00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:53,060 It's like, "Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?" 703 00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:55,395 "I miss you, Daddy." "Good. Good. 704 00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,150 You say that soon as he walk in, ok? 705 00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:03,445 I need you to grab his leg and don't let go. 706 00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:07,324 I'm gonna give him a big piece of chicken. 707 00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:12,788 And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house." 708 00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:14,039 Ha-ha! 709 00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:21,046 That's right, fellas. You don't own a house. 710 00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:24,091 If you live with a woman, you don't have a house. 711 00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:25,551 That is her fucking house. 712 00:47:25,634 --> 00:47:28,762 Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok? 713 00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:32,724 And fellas, here's the test, right now. If you really think... 714 00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:34,309 you own a house, this the test. 715 00:47:35,060 --> 00:47:37,396 Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home, 716 00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:38,981 I want you to try.... 717 00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,942 I want you to try.... 718 00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:45,737 Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try... 719 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:49,116 to hang up a picture of your mother. 720 00:47:58,542 --> 00:48:00,002 It's your house, right? 721 00:48:00,752 --> 00:48:01,795 Give it a shot. 722 00:48:04,673 --> 00:48:06,842 "What's that?" "It's a picture of my mother." 723 00:48:06,925 --> 00:48:08,468 [tsks] "I don't like that frame." 724 00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:14,391 You'll never see that picture again. 725 00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:18,645 Maybe at your mother's funeral. 726 00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:21,690 She'll go, "Look what I found." 727 00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:24,151 Motherfucker. 728 00:48:25,652 --> 00:48:28,030 Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, 729 00:48:28,113 --> 00:48:29,698 got a good man, hold on tight. 730 00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:33,327 Another woman will take your husband. 731 00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:35,203 They'll take him. 732 00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:38,707 There's women in here right now with stolen husbands. 733 00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:42,669 You know who you are. 734 00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:46,131 You're like, "That bitch was slipping." 735 00:48:49,384 --> 00:48:54,306 That's right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man. 736 00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:55,849 Fellas, 737 00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:58,644 you don't gotta really worry about that. 738 00:48:59,853 --> 00:49:01,521 Nobody's taking your wife. 739 00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:05,442 Oh, don't get me wrong. They'll fuck your wife. 740 00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,029 Oh, they'll fuck her good. 741 00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,615 They'll fuck her better than you. 742 00:49:12,574 --> 00:49:14,034 But they not gonna take her. 743 00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:20,374 There's no guy going, "Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him." 744 00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,504 "I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother." 745 00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:31,385 Oh, they'll fuck her, and then they'll return her. 746 00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,012 "I believe this is yours." 747 00:49:36,848 --> 00:49:38,850 "Bitch had me feeling bad about myself." 748 00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,105 Oh, man. 749 00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,565 I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. 750 00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:48,527 You don't want no parts of this shit, man. 751 00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,195 And... you know, it's... 752 00:49:50,278 --> 00:49:53,156 It's my fault 'cause I'm a fucking asshole, man. I'm just... 753 00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,283 I... I wasn't... I wasn't a good husband. 754 00:49:55,367 --> 00:49:57,869 I wasn't a good husband. I didn't listen. 755 00:49:58,662 --> 00:50:00,038 I wasn't kind. 756 00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:03,166 True. True. You know? 757 00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:06,294 You know, I had an attitude. I thought, "Ah, I pay for everything. 758 00:50:06,378 --> 00:50:07,587 I could do what I want." 759 00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:09,589 That shit don't fucking work. 760 00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:13,093 You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. 761 00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:15,429 Uh, I didn't play the tambourine. 762 00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:20,392 You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine. 763 00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,144 I cheated. 764 00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:29,985 Yeah. I'm serious. I'm not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road. 765 00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:33,280 You know, I end up sleeping with three different women. 766 00:50:33,363 --> 00:50:34,448 It's, like, fucked up. 767 00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,701 You know what's fucked up? Here's the thing. When guys cheat... 768 00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:40,245 it's like, we want something new. 769 00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,456 We want something new, right? 770 00:50:42,539 --> 00:50:46,209 But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out. 771 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,211 And now she's new. 772 00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:51,214 She's never the same again. 773 00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:53,925 So, now you got new, but you got a bad new. 774 00:50:55,302 --> 00:50:57,846 You know? You got bad fucking new, man. 775 00:50:58,263 --> 00:51:01,850 And I know every woman in here's like, "Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? 776 00:51:02,768 --> 00:51:05,020 You? I thought you was alright. You? 777 00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:07,689 Come on, Chris. 778 00:51:07,773 --> 00:51:11,068 What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?" 779 00:51:11,526 --> 00:51:13,695 I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. 780 00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,781 Every woman in here's like, "Fuck you, Chris." 781 00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:20,994 And every guy in here right now is going, "Three?" 782 00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,080 [laughter] 783 00:51:24,372 --> 00:51:26,374 "That's it? Just three? 784 00:51:27,125 --> 00:51:28,502 God damn, nigga. 785 00:51:28,585 --> 00:51:31,088 I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that. 786 00:51:34,299 --> 00:51:35,383 Three? 787 00:51:35,675 --> 00:51:37,677 You must've really loved your wife. 788 00:51:38,386 --> 00:51:39,846 You a romantic." 789 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,562 Yo, you don't wanna get divorced, man. 790 00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:49,648 This shit is no joke, man. 791 00:51:49,731 --> 00:51:52,234 Had to go through a custody fight for my kids. 792 00:51:52,776 --> 00:51:54,528 Just to see my kids, man. 793 00:51:54,903 --> 00:51:56,530 That shit's fucked up, man. 794 00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:57,823 First of all, 795 00:51:58,323 --> 00:52:03,078 you don't wanna be a man in family court. 796 00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:07,082 And you don't wanna be a black man in any court. 797 00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:11,920 Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer. 798 00:52:15,048 --> 00:52:17,342 And he keeps his robe on all day. 799 00:52:18,385 --> 00:52:20,387 And writes "Judge" on the back. 800 00:52:21,596 --> 00:52:24,224 Just in case somebody thinks it's a nigga with a cape. 801 00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:29,354 "Is that a nigga with a cape?" 802 00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:32,107 "Nope, just a judge." 803 00:52:33,191 --> 00:52:36,987 Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. 804 00:52:37,070 --> 00:52:40,282 Like, to not know if you're gonna be able to fucking see your kids. 805 00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:45,036 You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know? 806 00:52:45,370 --> 00:52:48,039 So, I bought a house around the corner. 807 00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:53,044 Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. LIke, right around the fucking corner. 808 00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:55,130 Damn near the same house, ok? 809 00:52:55,338 --> 00:52:57,591 But, it wasn't enough, man. 810 00:52:57,674 --> 00:53:01,511 I went in there and that judge was like, "Uh, Mr. Rock, 811 00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,891 I need to see pictures... 812 00:53:06,641 --> 00:53:12,063 of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep." 813 00:53:12,147 --> 00:53:13,815 I was like, "What... What... 814 00:53:13,899 --> 00:53:15,901 You think I got a manger? What? 815 00:53:17,777 --> 00:53:20,614 Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?" 816 00:53:22,365 --> 00:53:24,910 Ok, showed him the picture, right? 817 00:53:25,243 --> 00:53:28,747 But that wasn't enough. Then the judge was like, "Uh, Mr. Rock, 818 00:53:28,830 --> 00:53:34,753 I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside... 819 00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:38,256 to make sure the children have enough to eat." 820 00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,591 And I'm like... 821 00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:43,053 "What have you heard about me?" 822 00:53:43,136 --> 00:53:45,138 [laughter] 823 00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:49,726 "I'm Chris Rock, not Chris Brown." 824 00:53:56,858 --> 00:53:58,360 Yo, man. 825 00:53:58,860 --> 00:54:01,529 Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. 826 00:54:01,863 --> 00:54:04,407 I'm telling you right now, if you ever 827 00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:07,702 do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. 828 00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:11,873 If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture. 829 00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:15,126 'Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. 830 00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:18,129 Winter is coming. 831 00:54:20,382 --> 00:54:24,052 It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody. 832 00:54:24,135 --> 00:54:26,137 It's fucking beautiful, ok? 833 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,265 Got my kids, man. 834 00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:32,519 I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man. 835 00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:34,604 That shit was, like, humiliating, man. 836 00:54:34,688 --> 00:54:37,274 Trying to... prove your parenthood, man. 837 00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:41,820 So, I know I said you're not supposed to compete in a relationship. 838 00:54:42,195 --> 00:54:44,781 But, after you go through that shit, 839 00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:48,118 like, "Am I gonna lose my kids? 840 00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:51,538 It's like, "Yo, I'm going hard, every time I have my kids." 841 00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,666 And I always went hard, but I'm going extra hard. 842 00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:57,043 "I don't know what you're doing at your mother's house, 843 00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,461 but we gonna top that shit." 844 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,840 Every motherfucking time, ok? 845 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:04,050 Sometimes I bring guest stars. 846 00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:09,264 I make sure they go back to her with a story. 847 00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:12,183 They like, "Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework." 848 00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:19,524 "Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich." 849 00:55:22,736 --> 00:55:24,612 Ya'll think I'm bullshitting. 850 00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:27,699 Check my Instagram, alright? 851 00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,910 And the crazy thing is... 852 00:55:32,037 --> 00:55:34,914 So, after you get through the custody thing, 853 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:38,543 then you gotta divide the money. That's some fucking scary shit, man. 854 00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:41,463 And whoever, whoever... 855 00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:45,300 makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person. 856 00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:48,636 So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. 857 00:55:50,722 --> 00:55:53,183 That's like hiring a hit man to kill you. 858 00:55:54,434 --> 00:55:56,436 It's like, "Ok, here's a picture of me. 859 00:55:59,022 --> 00:56:01,024 I'm gonna be at Burger King... 860 00:56:01,399 --> 00:56:03,735 at 10:38, ok? 861 00:56:03,985 --> 00:56:06,863 Shoot me in the head and give me a call." 862 00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:09,699 So.. 863 00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:14,746 I'm in court. Yo, one day I'm in court and I'm just looking around. 864 00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:19,542 And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. 865 00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:21,961 Shit's expensive as fuck. 866 00:56:22,712 --> 00:56:24,714 She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. 867 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,508 The judge. The bailiff. 868 00:56:26,674 --> 00:56:30,011 The stenographer. And I'm looking at all these motherfuckers, man. 869 00:56:30,595 --> 00:56:33,598 I was like, "Wow, look at this whole town." 870 00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,642 Just here. 871 00:56:36,309 --> 00:56:40,230 And I'm looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room 872 00:56:40,313 --> 00:56:42,273 is far more educated than me. 873 00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:45,568 Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok. 874 00:56:45,652 --> 00:56:48,154 Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? 875 00:56:48,446 --> 00:56:53,368 And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me. 876 00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,662 I'm from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. 877 00:56:55,912 --> 00:56:59,082 And everybody in there is there to take my money. 878 00:56:59,165 --> 00:57:00,792 [laughter] 879 00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:05,588 It's like, "Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me." 880 00:57:06,798 --> 00:57:11,261 And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits. 881 00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:16,516 They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. 882 00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:20,854 And, at that moment, I realized something. 883 00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:23,022 I made it. 884 00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:32,407 I made it. 885 00:57:32,657 --> 00:57:34,951 Started from the bottom, now I'm here. 886 00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:37,579 I made it, man. 887 00:57:37,829 --> 00:57:41,332 And after that, I was like, "Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it. 888 00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:43,835 I'll be alright. I'm gonna work. It's gonna be good." 889 00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:48,006 'Cause here's the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. 890 00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:50,508 Like, I brought this shit on myself. 891 00:57:50,884 --> 00:57:54,637 You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know. 892 00:57:58,099 --> 00:57:59,601 I brought this shit on myself. 893 00:57:59,684 --> 00:58:03,062 And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok? 894 00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:06,816 I know it's hard being a woman, but there's a coldness... 895 00:58:07,233 --> 00:58:08,860 that you have to accept... 896 00:58:09,694 --> 00:58:12,155 when you're a man, especially a black man. It's like... 897 00:58:12,238 --> 00:58:14,741 The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok? 898 00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:17,285 When you get older, one thing I learned... 899 00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:23,124 only women, children and dogs... 900 00:58:23,833 --> 00:58:25,960 are loved unconditionally. 901 00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:32,342 Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. 902 00:58:32,884 --> 00:58:35,595 A man is only loved... 903 00:58:36,179 --> 00:58:39,599 under the condition that he provides something. 904 00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:41,434 Ok? 905 00:58:41,559 --> 00:58:43,728 I've never heard a woman in my life say, 906 00:58:43,811 --> 00:58:46,814 "You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer." 907 00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:53,696 No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, 908 00:58:53,780 --> 00:58:57,033 "A broke man is like a broke hand. 909 00:58:57,909 --> 00:58:59,911 Can't do nothing with it." 910 00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:04,249 What kind of gangster shit is that? 911 00:59:07,919 --> 00:59:13,925 That's right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. 912 00:59:14,259 --> 00:59:18,388 A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. 913 00:59:18,596 --> 00:59:20,014 That's right, fellas, 914 00:59:20,098 --> 00:59:21,641 when you meet a new girl, 915 00:59:22,141 --> 00:59:24,143 what do your friends ask you? 916 00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:25,603 "What's she look like?" 917 00:59:26,229 --> 00:59:28,856 Ladies, when you meet a new guy, 918 00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:32,151 what do your friends ask you? 919 00:59:32,443 --> 00:59:34,153 "What does he do?" 920 00:59:34,737 --> 00:59:41,286 "What the fuck does that nigga do that can help you out? 921 00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:46,708 Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not? 922 00:59:48,668 --> 00:59:51,379 Even right now, Michelle Obama 923 00:59:51,671 --> 00:59:54,799 is looking at Barack, going, "What's your plans, nigga?" 924 01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,977 "How's that book turning out? 925 01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:08,396 I need to see some pages." 926 01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,155 I remember, right when my divorce was final, 927 01:00:17,905 --> 01:00:21,826 I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. 928 01:00:22,660 --> 01:00:24,996 I was like, "Ok, let's start this again." 929 01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:32,545 So, I'm at this party, I see Rihanna. 930 01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:34,714 I was like, "Ok, let me say whats up." Right? 931 01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:42,597 And I'm like, "How you doing, Rihanna?" 932 01:00:44,515 --> 01:00:46,517 You ever forget how old you are? 933 01:00:48,853 --> 01:00:52,315 Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like... 934 01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:59,572 She didn't even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. 935 01:01:01,115 --> 01:01:04,285 Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. 936 01:01:08,873 --> 01:01:12,502 Ah, man. I'm retired. I am, uh... This cheat shit. I'm done. 937 01:01:13,461 --> 01:01:15,463 I'm done. You get to a certain age. 938 01:01:15,963 --> 01:01:18,257 You go, you lost... Shit. You lose enough shit. 939 01:01:18,341 --> 01:01:19,759 It's like, "Fuck this." 940 01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:21,928 I am done cheating. 941 01:01:22,345 --> 01:01:25,598 I'm... Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. 942 01:01:27,225 --> 01:01:30,019 Peace is better than pussy. 943 01:01:30,770 --> 01:01:32,772 Peace makes my dick hard. 944 01:01:35,400 --> 01:01:38,152 I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. 945 01:01:38,236 --> 01:01:40,238 You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful. 946 01:01:40,655 --> 01:01:42,657 Just some peace, motherfucker. 947 01:01:43,241 --> 01:01:45,451 That's right, I ain't cheating at all, you know. 948 01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:47,537 I mean, unless Rihanna, you know... 949 01:01:50,248 --> 01:01:53,584 It's all good, man. Now I'm dating. I'm actually dating. 950 01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,753 It's just weird, man. 951 01:01:55,837 --> 01:01:58,214 It's weird. I was married for a long time, man. 952 01:01:58,297 --> 01:02:01,801 You know, I date some girls my age. And some a little younger. 953 01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:03,469 That shit is crazy, man. 954 01:02:04,053 --> 01:02:06,055 Yo, shit has changed. 955 01:02:06,389 --> 01:02:08,391 These girls fuck fast now. 956 01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:12,645 They fuck fast and they leave. 957 01:02:13,896 --> 01:02:16,733 They just get the fuck out yo house. 958 01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:20,111 They just fuck and leave. I'm like, "Where you going? 959 01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:24,866 It's yo place." 960 01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:30,955 And they fuck immediately. 961 01:02:31,122 --> 01:02:33,124 I'm a grown man. 962 01:02:33,458 --> 01:02:35,585 And I'm like, "This is inappropriate." 963 01:02:42,967 --> 01:02:46,262 My God. Young girls like to get on top. 964 01:02:46,679 --> 01:02:49,098 Always wanna get on top. "Let me ride it, Daddy. 965 01:02:49,182 --> 01:02:51,893 Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top. 966 01:02:51,976 --> 01:02:53,728 Let me ride it. Let me ride it. 967 01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:57,440 Let me ride it." You can't get no 45 year-old-woman to get on top. 968 01:02:57,523 --> 01:03:00,193 She's like, "Nigga, you lucky I'm laying like this." 969 01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:07,825 "I'll turn over to help you finish, but that's about it. 970 01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:10,995 These knees are delicate." 971 01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:17,794 Shit, I'm on Tinder right now, under my own name. 972 01:03:21,672 --> 01:03:24,425 My friends are like, "You can't be under your own name. 973 01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,762 What if you find a woman that just wants you 'cause you're Chris Rock?" I'm like, 974 01:03:27,845 --> 01:03:29,305 "But I am Chris Rock. 975 01:03:31,682 --> 01:03:34,060 What should I put? 'Cedric the Entertainer'?" 976 01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:41,984 Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now 977 01:03:42,276 --> 01:03:44,862 is me, butt-naked, 978 01:03:45,738 --> 01:03:47,740 holding a microphone, 979 01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,076 and a tambourine. 980 01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:53,204 Hey, I'm out of here. Ya'll take care. 981 01:03:53,287 --> 01:03:54,372 Thank you. 982 01:03:54,956 --> 01:03:56,874 ["Tambourine" playing] 983 01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,839 ♪ Oh, my God, here you are ♪ 984 01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:06,092 ♪ Prettiest thing in life I've ever seen ♪ 985 01:04:06,717 --> 01:04:08,886 -[whistling] -♪ Mm-hmm ♪ 986 01:04:08,970 --> 01:04:10,930 ♪ Close my eyes, what's it like? ♪ 987 01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:14,350 ♪ What's it like inside your tambourine? ♪ 988 01:04:16,936 --> 01:04:18,980 ♪ Oh, my God, there I go ♪ 989 01:04:19,063 --> 01:04:22,525 ♪ Falling in love With a face in a magazine ♪ 990 01:04:22,608 --> 01:04:24,902 -♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪ -[whistling] 991 01:04:24,986 --> 01:04:26,904 ♪ All alone, by myself ♪ 992 01:04:27,029 --> 01:04:31,075 ♪ Me and I, play my tambourine ♪ 993 01:04:31,158 --> 01:04:33,911 ♪ Tambourine ♪ 994 01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,748 ♪ Tambourine ♪ 995 01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:41,794 ♪ Tambourine ♪ 996 01:04:44,589 --> 01:04:45,882 ♪ The tambourine ♪