When it's time to hit the stage, I still get super-nervous. I like to be in control.
I like to know that things are
gonna go the way I want them to
go, because I put so much time
and effort into them going that
way.
And effort into them going that way. And I know if I do it my way,
then I'm not gonna
and I know if I do it my way, then I'm not gonna be disappointed.
Then I'm not gonna be disappointed. If I do it your way, maybe a
disappointment.
So, I'm gonna do it my way, and
I know my way's gonna be the way
so, I'm gonna do it my way, and I know my way's gonna be the way that fits me, that I'm
comfortable in.
That fits me, that I'm comfortable in. So, that's the calmness to,
like, this whole riot when it
so, that's the calmness to, like, this whole riot when it comes to me.
-- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
♪
I had a great childhood, absolutely. Yeah, you know, my family lived
directly in miami, which is
yeah, you know, my family lived directly in miami, which is liberty city.
Directly in miami, which is liberty city. I didn't actually live in
liberty city, but it was like my
family's house.
Liberty city, but it was like my family's house. So, that was the hangout spot
every day.
You know, I went to school in
liberty city.
My mom's salon in liberty city,
another store in liberty city.
So, this was where I grew up at.
Another store in liberty city. So, this was where I grew up at. This is where I hung out at
so, this was where I grew up at. This is where I hung out at every single day when my mom was
this is where I hung out at every single day when my mom was working, doing hair at the
salon.
Working, doing hair at the salon. We'd be there every day.
Salon. We'd be there every day. And then, when it's time to go
we'd be there every day. And then, when it's time to go home, I leave.
So, you know, I had two
different versions -- the city
so, you know, I had two different versions -- the city and the suburbs.
Different versions -- the city and the suburbs. But the city, that's where it
was at.
You know, that's where I learned
everything, from how to just
you know, that's where I learned everything, from how to just grow up, how to adapt, how to
deal with just the guys.
Grow up, how to adapt, how to deal with just the guys. You know, how to be respected.
Deal with just the guys. You know, how to be respected. You know, I came from a
you know, how to be respected. You know, I came from a well-respected family.
So, I grew up into that.
Well-respected family. So, I grew up into that. ♪
so, I grew up into that. ♪ my mom was the type of woman
that you had to have the utmost
respect from.
That you had to have the utmost respect from. When it comes to a man, there is
no such thing as not being
when it comes to a man, there is no such thing as not being treated as a queen.
No such thing as not being treated as a queen. That wasn't tolerated.
Treated as a queen. That wasn't tolerated. All I saw was the royal
that wasn't tolerated. All I saw was the royal treatment.
All I saw was never accept a
whole bunch of stuff when it
all I saw was never accept a whole bunch of stuff when it comes to that.
Whole bunch of stuff when it comes to that. And I had two amazing
stepfathers.
My mom was married to my
stepfather.
He passed away, and then I had
another stepfather.
And those are the men that
raised me.
♪
well, my mom owned some stores
and salons and stuff, so she
would be working.
And salons and stuff, so she would be working. Like, sometimes, she would be
in there 24 hours.
Like, it's time for us to go to
school, and she's still doing
like, it's time for us to go to school, and she's still doing hair.
School, and she's still doing hair. Like, women would still be
getting their hair done.
And so, sometimes we would --
we had a caretaker, somebody
and so, sometimes we would -- we had a caretaker, somebody that would always watch us
sometimes, like when we're home,
and she's at the salon.
Sometimes, like when we're home, and she's at the salon. And sometimes in the morning,
it's time to go to school, we
and sometimes in the morning, it's time to go to school, we just have to go in the limo.
It's time to go to school, we just have to go in the limo. We just have to get to school.
Just have to go in the limo. We just have to get to school. It doesn't matter that she's not
we just have to get to school. It doesn't matter that she's not there.
It just always was made a way.
There. It just always was made a way. And that was just something I
it just always was made a way. And that was just something I grew up.
It's just the weirdest thing
when I say that, but yeah.
♪
it was just a different raising,
you know?
It was just a different raising, you know? We were catered and cared for
and watched carefully.
Just because of the type of
lifestyle my mom had, that's
just because of the type of lifestyle my mom had, that's previously before me.
Lifestyle my mom had, that's previously before me. So, therefore, she had to make
sure I was super-protected.
So, you know, yeah, I just grew
up like that, always seeing my
so, you know, yeah, I just grew up like that, always seeing my mom never, ever have a down day.
Up like that, always seeing my mom never, ever have a down day. Never say there's a day that she
don't have it.
Never say there's a day that no,
you can't have it.
Never is there a day -- I never
was told no.
It was always, "the world is
yours and everything in it.
And as long as I'm here, that's
gonna happen."
and as long as I'm here, that's gonna happen." ♪
[ birds chirping ]
you know, soon as I fly home, I
always go to my mom's house
first.
Always go to my mom's house first. If I'm going for the weekend, I
always go there.
And this particular day is
thanksgiving.
So, I just know the pots is on
the stove, the mac and cheese in
so, I just know the pots is on the stove, the mac and cheese in the oven.
The stove, the mac and cheese in the oven. Like, it's just gonna be -- this
is always what happened.
So, when I get there, I didn't
smell no food, and I didn't see
so, when I get there, I didn't smell no food, and I didn't see her.
Smell no food, and I didn't see her. She was actually in her room,
and that just wasn't like her.
So, I went in her room, and she
was just laying in the bed,
so, I went in her room, and she was just laying in the bed, like, just laying there.
Was just laying in the bed, like, just laying there. And I was like, "are you okay,
mom?"
and I was like, "are you okay, mom?" she was like, "yeah, I'm fine."
I was like, "well, why aren't
you up?
I don't see food or nothing.
You up? I don't see food or nothing. Do you feel good?"
and she was like, "a little."
do you feel good?" and she was like, "a little." and then I just, you know, I was
like, "a little?
And then I just, you know, I was like, "a little? What does that mean?"
she was just like, "oh, no, you
what does that mean?" she was just like, "oh, no, you know, just stomach hurt, not
really feeling good."
I was like, "okay."
and then I was like, "but it
looks like you're in pain or
something."
and then I was like, "okay,
we're going to the hospital."
♪
that day, I spent thanksgiving
at the hospital.
That day, I spent thanksgiving at the hospital. And when I took her there, I
remember them just doing all
and when I took her there, I remember them just doing all these tests and all this stuff.
Remember them just doing all these tests and all this stuff. It was just, like, stressing me
out.
They said she had kidney stones
or something.
So, I was like, "oh, okay.
Or something. So, I was like, "oh, okay. Well, is that fixable?"
so, I was like, "oh, okay. Well, is that fixable?" you know.
And then they were like, "yeah,
we just have to do a surgery,"
and then they were like, "yeah, we just have to do a surgery," whatever.
We just have to do a surgery," whatever. I convinced her to stay for the
surgery because they could have
did it right away.
Surgery because they could have did it right away. So, she was in there maybe like
a week or so before she had the
so, she was in there maybe like a week or so before she had the surgery.
A week or so before she had the surgery. And then, after the surgery, I
went back because I wanted to
and then, after the surgery, I went back because I wanted to physically see the doctor and,
like, know the process.
Physically see the doctor and, like, know the process. And then the doctor says to me,
"well, your mom is diagnosed
and then the doctor says to me, "well, your mom is diagnosed with cancer."
and I was looking at him like,
"sir, I don't know what you're
talking about.
Like, I didn't even -- I don't
know what you're talking
like, I didn't even -- I don't know what you're talking about."
that's what I was saying.
About." that's what I was saying. And then, I was like, "where is
my mom?"
and then, I was like, "where is my mom?" and then he was like, "she's in
there.
And then he was like, "she's in there. She's out of recovery,"
whatever.
And I go see her, and she was
asleep.
And I just sat there for a
while, and he was like, "would
and I just sat there for a while, and he was like, "would you like me to explain?"
I was like, "no, I just want you
to leave."
and so, he left, and I stayed
there with her the night.
And so, he left, and I stayed there with her the night. I spent the night.
There with her the night. I spent the night. And then, the next morning, she
woke up.
He came in maybe, like, early in
the morning, like, 7:00 in the
he came in maybe, like, early in the morning, like, 7:00 in the morning or 6:00 in the morning
or something, and he goes, "I
think we should talk."
he told my mom what he told me,
but I walked out.
He told my mom what he told me, but I walked out. When I came back, she was just
real quiet or whatever.
So, I never said a word.
Real quiet or whatever. So, I never said a word. I didn't say anything.
And then, the next day, I came
back to the hospital, and I go
and then, the next day, I came back to the hospital, and I go to her, "so, like, you know,
what is he saying?
To her, "so, like, you know, what is he saying? What does that mean?"
it just happened so fast.
She stayed in the hospital
until, from thanksgiving, which
she stayed in the hospital until, from thanksgiving, which is November, until, like, right
before her birthday, which is
just past February 10th.
Before her birthday, which is just past February 10th. So, that was a while being in
there, and it was just test and
so, that was a while being in there, and it was just test and this and all this stuff.
There, and it was just test and this and all this stuff. And I just wanted to move her
from this particular hospital.
And I took her somewhere else.
From this particular hospital. And I took her somewhere else. They were basically saying kind
and I took her somewhere else. They were basically saying kind of the same things and kind of
they were basically saying kind of the same things and kind of giving more in depth of what
it was and the type of cancer.
Giving more in depth of what it was and the type of cancer. And I don't think I wanted to
believe or understand the word.
I just hate that word.
Believe or understand the word. I just hate that word. I don't know how to process it.
And it was just happening so
fast.
And when the treatments started
happening, then I was really,
and when the treatments started happening, then I was really, like, "no."
for me, like, a lot of it was --
a lot of it was...
For me, like, a lot of it was -- a lot of it was... For me, a lot it was, um...
A lot of it was... For me, a lot it was, um... I think I was just in disbelief
for me, a lot it was, um... I think I was just in disbelief a lot.
And then, um...
A lot. And then, um... I mean, you could just see.
It's like this person that...
Um...
[ voice breaking ] ...Is like
um... [ voice breaking ] ...Is like the strongest person that
you've ever seen is now
helpless.
You've ever seen is now helpless. And there's nothing you can do
about it.
♪
>> trina: Luke? To me, he's like the father of miami because when I grew up,
to me, he's like the father of miami because when I grew up, luke was just known for, like,
all the girls, you know?
Luke was just known for, like, all the girls, you know? Nice bodies, you know, that.
All the girls, you know? Nice bodies, you know, that. But for us, as kids, it was more
nice bodies, you know, that. But for us, as kids, it was more than that, because that was for
but for us, as kids, it was more than that, because that was for the adults.
Than that, because that was for the adults. So, that's where he had the
pac jam, which was a teen disco
so, that's where he had the pac jam, which was a teen disco for the kids.
Pac jam, which was a teen disco for the kids. So, we got a chance to, like,
see luke but the kiddie version
so, we got a chance to, like, see luke but the kiddie version of luke, not the adult version.
See luke but the kiddie version of luke, not the adult version. So, we had to separate the two.
Of luke, not the adult version. So, we had to separate the two. Then, at the pac jam, luke would
so, we had to separate the two. Then, at the pac jam, luke would have, like, it would be
then, at the pac jam, luke would have, like, it would be different -- back then, it was
like dance groups or dance
competition.
Like dance groups or dance competition. He'll have all his girls.
Competition. He'll have all his girls. He'll have guys dancing.
They come, do teen disco dance,
he'll have guys dancing. They come, do teen disco dance, and then you'll have local
they come, do teen disco dance, and then you'll have local artists that perform and stuff
like that.
Artists that perform and stuff like that. And so, some of his dancers I
knew, I was friends with, they
and so, some of his dancers I knew, I was friends with, they were at his studio.
Knew, I was friends with, they were at his studio. They would all go there, like,
to rehearse their dance moves or
they would all go there, like, to rehearse their dance moves or whatever.
To rehearse their dance moves or whatever. So, they called me.
Whatever. So, they called me. They were like, "hey, come by
so, they called me. They were like, "hey, come by the studio."
they were like, "hey, come by the studio." so, I got my friend pinkie.
The studio." so, I got my friend pinkie. We go to the studio.
So, I got my friend pinkie. We go to the studio. So, they got this song.
Like, "I'm not getting in there.
I'm not going there."
like, "I'm not getting in there. I'm not going there." so, we ended up going in there,
anyway.
So, we ended up going in there, anyway. And so, she goes, "pinkie, it's
your birthday," and I'm like,
and so, she goes, "pinkie, it's your birthday," and I'm like, "trina, it's your birthday."
so, we did the song.
Cool.
So, we did the song. Cool. Couple weeks after, they call
cool. Couple weeks after, they call us, like, "oh, well, we're
couple weeks after, they call us, like, "oh, well, we're shooting a video to
'it's your birthday.'
y'all should come."
[ laughs ]
and I'm like, "my mama gonna
kill me!"
like, "I can't be in no luke
video."
and so, they was like, "oh, no,
it's gonna be good," whatever.
And so, they was like, "oh, no, it's gonna be good," whatever. So, they got this big, old
mansion.
All these girls is coming.
Mansion. All these girls is coming. We done snuck in with our little
all these girls is coming. We done snuck in with our little bathing suits, all this stuff in
we done snuck in with our little bathing suits, all this stuff in the video.
Bathing suits, all this stuff in the video. So, if you watch this video,
there's this clip in the
so, if you watch this video, there's this clip in the beginning of the video of me and
her, like, right in front of
this cake.
Her, like, right in front of this cake. And I swear I was looking,
like, 15 years old or something.
Now, when luke come, he bring
out the real girls.
These are the ones with the
dress and bodies just banging.
Butts is out.
Dress and bodies just banging. Butts is out. And he spotted us. He saw me.
He was like, "oh, you got to get
and he spotted us. He saw me. He was like, "oh, you got to get from here now!"
he was like, "oh, you got to get from here now!" he went crazy.
From here now!" he went crazy. Like, "your mama's gonna kill me
if she know you was here,"
like, "your mama's gonna kill me if she know you was here," saying all this stuff.
If she know you was here," saying all this stuff. He did not know I was there.
Saying all this stuff. He did not know I was there. He was like, "oh, no, it's time
he did not know I was there. He was like, "oh, no, it's time for you to go."
he was like, "oh, no, it's time for you to go." and we left the video, but we
had fun, though.
And we left the video, but we had fun, though. That was a little, fun
experience about it.
And I just love how he grounded
our culture, and he stood up
and I just love how he grounded our culture, and he stood up for something when it comes to
us and this hip-hop, you know,
because it really started from
him from miami.
Because it really started from him from miami. You know, first thing you think
of miami, you think of luke.
Like, when you come to miami,
that was the first thing.
Then there's trick.
That was the first thing. Then there's trick. There's me. There's ross.
There's all these people.
But luke is definitely the
there's all these people. But luke is definitely the pioneer of it.
♪
hollywood I met when I was in
high school and just a different
type of person, just a different
guy, you know?
Type of person, just a different guy, you know? He was just a very honest, very
charming gentleman.
And he just really looked out
for me, like really watched out
and he just really looked out for me, like really watched out for me.
For me, like really watched out for me. Trick was actually in jail when
I was dating hollywood.
But trick would call me all the
time from there because he would
but trick would call me all the time from there because he would always want to say his raps and
his stuff, and I was just like,
"okay."
and so, he was like when he get
out, he's gonna be this big
rapper and all this.
Out, he's gonna be this big rapper and all this. So, it was like, "okay."
and at that time, hollywood, his
so, it was like, "okay." and at that time, hollywood, his brother, actually was into
music.
Brother, actually was into music. He would put on concerts.
Music. He would put on concerts. He would do promotions for
he would put on concerts. He would do promotions for concerts.
So, trick thought that would be
probably a good outlet.
And me and hollywood, we had the
best relationship.
We were friends mostly more than
anything.
He was just like a great person
to be around.
And one day...
To be around. And one day... I was in a car with him.
We went to, like, a fun place,
like a grand prix race-o-rama
we went to, like, a fun place, like a grand prix race-o-rama type of thing.
Like a grand prix race-o-rama type of thing. And then afterwards I think they
were gonna go to a club or
and then afterwards I think they were gonna go to a club or something.
Were gonna go to a club or something. So, I was like, "oh, well, I'm
gonna go, too."
so, I was like, "oh, well, I'm gonna go, too." he was like, "no, you're not
gonna go.
He was like, "no, you're not gonna go. You need to go home" or
whatever.
And I was like, "oh, okay."
so, I left. I go home.
And him and his friends go out
somewhere.
And I was asleep.
Somewhere. And I was asleep. And I just remember, like, maybe
and I was asleep. And I just remember, like, maybe 3:30, I just kind of rolled over
and I just remember, like, maybe 3:30, I just kind of rolled over and just realized he didn't call
me.
And just realized he didn't call me. He's not here.
Me. He's not here. I was paging him.
I was beeping him, and I was
calling him.
He didn't call back or anything.
Calling him. He didn't call back or anything. At about maybe 6:00 a.M., his
he didn't call back or anything. At about maybe 6:00 a.M., his sister called me.
She was kind of like hysterical,
and I was like, "hey, what's
she was kind of like hysterical, and I was like, "hey, what's happening?"
she said, "turn on the news."
and I turned the news on, and I
just remember just seeing his
friend's car on the news, and
the car was just badly shot up.
Friend's car on the news, and the car was just badly shot up. A couple of my friends, two of
my best friends, they knew it
a couple of my friends, two of my best friends, they knew it was him.
My best friends, they knew it was him. Somebody who worked at the
hospital told them they
somebody who worked at the hospital told them they identified his teeth.
Hospital told them they identified his teeth. He had a grill.
Identified his teeth. He had a grill. They said what it was.
That's the only way you could
they said what it was. That's the only way you could tell him.
But they didn't tell me.
Tell him. But they didn't tell me. And so, as we're driving to his
but they didn't tell me. And so, as we're driving to his mom, I just knew.
When we pulled up, his mom came
out the door, and she just saw
when we pulled up, his mom came out the door, and she just saw me, and she just started
screaming and hollering, and
from then I had fell out.
Screaming and hollering, and from then I had fell out. I didn't remember nothing else
after that.
I just completely blacked out.
After that. I just completely blacked out. That was the first time
something like that happened to
that was the first time something like that happened to me, of me being involved.
Something like that happened to me, of me being involved. ♪
he was the most caring, careful,
not bothersome person.
He was the most caring, careful, not bothersome person. You're in the car with your
friend.
I was in the car with you.
Friend. I was in the car with you. Had you not told me to get out
and go home, maybe I wouldn't be
had you not told me to get out and go home, maybe I wouldn't be here doing this interview.
And go home, maybe I wouldn't be here doing this interview. I was in the car.
Here doing this interview. I was in the car. Not only did they shoot up the
car, they came up to the car to
not only did they shoot up the car, they came up to the car to make sure the job was done.
Car, they came up to the car to make sure the job was done. His...
Make sure the job was done. His... It was almost unrecognizable,
his... It was almost unrecognizable, like, half of his head -- like,
it was almost unrecognizable, like, half of his head -- like, it just...
Like, half of his head -- like, it just... I just didn't understand.
It just... I just didn't understand. I didn't understand.
So, I come from a family of
this.
So, I already know this, but the
family...
They're more mature.
Family... They're more mature. They're in the streets, but
they're more mature. They're in the streets, but they're not in the streets.
They're not hanging out in the
streets.
You can't get next to the
family.
So, when it's guys that's in the
street, you're not prepared.
It's never a day -- I still to
this day of my life don't
it's never a day -- I still to this day of my life don't understand.
This day of my life don't understand. And I learned that, you know,
just growing up, my mom -- I
and I learned that, you know, just growing up, my mom -- I mean, it was just another way of
growing up, to be careful.
Mean, it was just another way of growing up, to be careful. When you hang out with guys, and
when you're around guys, you
when you hang out with guys, and when you're around guys, you just got to be careful.
When you're around guys, you just got to be careful. You just never know.
Just got to be careful. You just never know. You know, people are jealous.
They're envious, just so much
you know, people are jealous. They're envious, just so much stuff.
So, it made me grow after that
incident even more to just watch
so, it made me grow after that incident even more to just watch how I was, watch how I move,
watch how I carry myself.
How I was, watch how I move, watch how I carry myself. Watch who I hang out with.
Watch how I carry myself. Watch who I hang out with. Watch and make sure it's solid
watch who I hang out with. Watch and make sure it's solid people and guys are this,
watch and make sure it's solid people and guys are this, because you don't never want to
get crossed up in the midst of
nothing.
Get crossed up in the midst of nothing. You don't want to be in that
space.
That was heartbreaking for me.
Space. That was heartbreaking for me. That was heartbreaking.
I don't -- I just didn't get it.
♪
I had to tell trick he was gone.
He called me, and that was the
hardest thing I had to come out
he called me, and that was the hardest thing I had to come out of my mouth to tell him.
Hardest thing I had to come out of my mouth to tell him. And so, it was even harder that
he was locked up.
He was able to come out to come
to the funeral.
He was chained up, police
officers everywhere.
He was hurt. He was sad.
Officers everywhere. He was hurt. He was sad. He was just -- because I felt
he was hurt. He was sad. He was just -- because I felt like for him, he felt like he
he was just -- because I felt like for him, he felt like he had a gift and a talent.
Like for him, he felt like he had a gift and a talent. His brother was doing something
that was aligned with the gift
his brother was doing something that was aligned with the gift and the talent.
That was aligned with the gift and the talent. "and this is my brother.
And the talent. "and this is my brother. You're bringing big acts to the
city.
I know when I get out of here --
I believe in myself.
I know I can make it.
I know I can -- you're my
brother."
and so, he had dreams and hopes.
Brother." and so, he had dreams and hopes. And that was shattering.
And so, he had dreams and hopes. And that was shattering. ♪
and that was shattering. ♪ he asked me to come to the
studio.
He asked me to come to the studio. I went.
Studio. I went. I took my friends with me.
And he goes, "I want you to go
in there and get on this
and he goes, "I want you to go in there and get on this record."
and I'm like, "and do what?"
and he's like, "when you hear
the record, you're gonna know
what to do."
like, "listen.
What to do." like, "listen. I know you're not a rapper.
Like, "listen. I know you're not a rapper. I just need you to go in here
and talk."
I listened to the record, and
I'm like, "boy, what am I about
to say?"
like, "this is crazy."
I said "oh, no."
I was like, "this is way too
much."
and he was like, "man, come on.
Much." and he was like, "man, come on. I need you to do this.
And he was like, "man, come on. I need you to do this. You're gonna kill this."
so, I go in there with my
you're gonna kill this." so, I go in there with my friends.
So, I go in there with my friends. This is new for me.
Friends. This is new for me. I put the headphones on.
It's this little stand here.
There's the mic, and then
it's this little stand here. There's the mic, and then there's this stand.
And on the stand, there is like
a pad, a pen.
Then it's like my four girls
right here.
I was scared at first.
Right here. I was scared at first. So, I was like, "okay."
so, here I go.
I'm listening to what trick got
to say.
He's doing his little thing,
whatever.
So, now it comes to my part, and
I'm like, "okay, I'm gonna say
so, now it comes to my part, and I'm like, "okay, I'm gonna say this."
and then my girls are like,
"nah, that's lame.
And then my girls are like, "nah, that's lame. Don't say that.
You got to be nasty."
don't say that. You got to be nasty." [ laughs ]
you got to be nasty." [ laughs ] so, I was like -- oh, no, I was
like, "I'm not saying that."
so, they was really helping me.
Like, "I'm not saying that." so, they was really helping me. We was going back and forth,
back and forth.
They listened to the song for --
after, it was a party.
He called the ceo of
slip-n-slide.
He was like, "no, you got to
come to the studio now."
he was like, "no, you got to come to the studio now." so, ted comes to the studio.
Come to the studio now." so, ted comes to the studio. [ laughs ]
and we play the record and all,
and ted's like, "oh, no, we
signing a record deal."
I was like, "oh, no, we not."
I was like, "no, no, no, I'm
doing this a favor for trick."
like, "wait.
Doing this a favor for trick." like, "wait. Y'all are pushing this way too
far."
y'all are pushing this way too far." so, now the label's now calling
me every day.
So, now the label's now calling me every day. Like, "you sure you don't want
to sign a deal?
I'm telling you.
To sign a deal? I'm telling you. All you got to do is get in a
studio with ross, trick, all
all you got to do is get in a studio with ross, trick, all them."
it was a lot.
Them." it was a lot. So, after that, I had just had
got my little job.
I had the job for, like, two
weeks.
It was at a firm called
era homeland realty.
So, this particular week, I was
about to just go out and go show
so, this particular week, I was about to just go out and go show this house when trick called.
About to just go out and go show this house when trick called. So, I was, "okay, cool."
I didn't care.
I still was gonna go do the
favor for him, but I was still
going to go do my house.
Favor for him, but I was still going to go do my house. I had to go to work.
Going to go do my house. I had to go to work. I'm gonna do my job, whatever.
And then, after that, it was
trick's birthday.
He had a party.
Trick's birthday. He had a party. We go to the party.
And now trick is about to
we go to the party. And now trick is about to perform.
Now, previous, this "nann"
record is something new.
I'm not even -- I'm not even
thinking about this record at
the time.
Thinking about this record at the time. And as he's doing his show,
the deejay puts on the "nann"
and as he's doing his show, the deejay puts on the "nann" record.
The deejay puts on the "nann" record. And they're all boosting me up.
Record. And they're all boosting me up. "no, get the mic on."
and they're all boosting me up. "no, get the mic on." I was like, "I'm not going up
there and doing it."
they're pushing me from the
back, in the back.
They're pushing me from the back, in the back. I pushed to the top of the
stage.
And by the time the girl part
came on, which was me, the girls
and by the time the girl part came on, which was me, the girls were going ballistic.
Came on, which was me, the girls were going ballistic. I never said a word.
Were going ballistic. I never said a word. I was so scared.
I stood on that stage with that
mic with my eyes closed, and I
was just scared.
Mic with my eyes closed, and I was just scared. I was terrified.
Was just scared. I was terrified. And they were singing this
record from word to word.
I could not believe it.
Record from word to word. I could not believe it. So, now, here go the label again
with this whole deal thing.
Oh, my gosh.
With this whole deal thing. Oh, my gosh. I think this is when I had
oh, my gosh. I think this is when I had started to get anxiety.
I go to tallahassee with them.
Started to get anxiety. I go to tallahassee with them. Trick's doing his whole show.
The show is going crazy.
Now "nann" comes on.
And he says, "are you ready to
now "nann" comes on. And he says, "are you ready to see trina?"
and he says, "are you ready to see trina?" and the girls is going crazy,
crazy, crazy!
And the girls is going crazy, crazy, crazy! He plays the song.
Crazy, crazy! He plays the song. They go nuts.
I walk out.
I mean, lose it.
This is the first time I
actually did perform the song.
And from that moment on, I
didn't do real estate no more.
I said, "I'm gonna do the deal."
I said, "I'm gonna be a
superstar."
>> trina: I get a call from another artist, ludacris. Ludacris want me to get on the
remix of his record.
So, I do this record for him.
Remix of his record. So, I do this record for him. While trick is going on tour,
so, I do this record for him. While trick is going on tour, some of the days ludacris is on
while trick is going on tour, some of the days ludacris is on the same tour dates.
Some of the days ludacris is on the same tour dates. We kind of have the same dates.
The same tour dates. We kind of have the same dates. So, now I have two records.
So now all eyes is definitely on
so, now I have two records. So now all eyes is definitely on me because now I'm performing
so now all eyes is definitely on me because now I'm performing with ludacris and trick on these
two records that is bubbling up
from the south all over
everywhere, going crazy.
From the south all over everywhere, going crazy. In the midst of that,
atlantic records wants to give
in the midst of that, atlantic records wants to give me a record deal.
Atlantic records wants to give me a record deal. We're on a tour.
Me a record deal. We're on a tour. I sign a deal with atlantic.
So, this whole year, we're on
the road just grinding out work
so, this whole year, we're on the road just grinding out work and performing -- radio shows,
concerts, clubs, nightclubs.
And performing -- radio shows, concerts, clubs, nightclubs. But in the midst of this, the
only things on my mind is
but in the midst of this, the only things on my mind is how am I gonna do this for me?
Only things on my mind is how am I gonna do this for me? It's a lot different than going
out with your girlfriends and
it's a lot different than going out with your girlfriends and trying to do this one little
verse, this one little -- this
is different.
♪ >> trina: All of it, it was new. So, everything was scary.
When you say "solo project,"
so, everything was scary. When you say "solo project," that seemed like a lot.
Like, here I am. I know trick.
That seemed like a lot. Like, here I am. I know trick. I know he's in the studio.
I know that's what he does.
Like, he had a notebook full of
just rhymes and rhymes and ready
like, he had a notebook full of just rhymes and rhymes and ready to go in the studio at any given
time.
To go in the studio at any given time. That wasn't my life.
Time. That wasn't my life. Mine was a little bit more
that wasn't my life. Mine was a little bit more structured, you know?
I wasn't like trick, just in the
car, writing rhymes.
So, the guys -- I came up with
all these guys.
There's c.O.
All these guys. There's c.O. There was money mark.
There was ross. There's trick.
There's, like, all the groups,
there was ross. There's trick. There's, like, all the groups, everybody that's signed to the
there's, like, all the groups, everybody that's signed to the label.
Everybody that's signed to the label. So, the guys would hang out.
Label. So, the guys would hang out. They're guys.
They're chasing girls.
They're doing their thing.
I didn't hang out.
I didn't party with them.
I didn't drink.
I didn't do anything.
I just went to do the show, got
off the stage, and I went to
that room, and I got that
notebook, and I was writing my
life away, everything I thought
about -- my history, my friends,
the good days, the nasty days,
the bad, the fun, whatever
happened that was surrounding
us, like just about the streets,
the life, the hustle, how you
getting money, how we came up.
The life, the hustle, how you getting money, how we came up. This is miami.
Getting money, how we came up. This is miami. This is the home of luke.
The women are voluptuous.
The bodies is there.
Butts is big.
So, this is my world.
How do I incorporate that into
so, this is my world. How do I incorporate that into my world, because I was there.
I was in it.
My world, because I was there. I was in it. I just remember just being real
young, and luke shot his video
at my dad's store.
Young, and luke shot his video at my dad's store. And of course my mom wouldn't
let me come to the video, but I
and of course my mom wouldn't let me come to the video, but I was at the store.
Let me come to the video, but I was at the store. I was in the back hiding because
I could see the women, but they
were like -- you know the bodies
was like my mom's body.
Were like -- you know the bodies was like my mom's body. So, it was like, "you're not
supposed to be out here."
so, it was like, "you're not supposed to be out here." so, this is like -- I seen all
this stuff.
So, this is like -- I seen all this stuff. I know what's going on.
This stuff. I know what's going on. So, I'm in this hotel room, and
I got this pad.
I got to make these songs for
my experiences.
And I was able to talk about
that, because it's real.
I came from it.
That, because it's real. I came from it. And I would just make that make
sense, you know?
When I would go to the guys, and
they was like, "what do you
when I would go to the guys, and they was like, "what do you need?"
and it would just be just the
structure.
And it would just be just the structure. Make all these words, all this
fly stuff I want to talk about,
make all these words, all this fly stuff I want to talk about, all these diamonds and these
cars and just let's help me put
into perspective.
Cars and just let's help me put into perspective. And that's all I did.
Into perspective. And that's all I did. I would do it day and night, a
and that's all I did. I would do it day and night, a year straight on the road from
them.
Year straight on the road from them. I had one year because I just
had got signed to atlantic.
My album was coming out in 2000.
Had got signed to atlantic. My album was coming out in 2000. "nann" came out in 1998.
We went on tour for the whole
year of 1999.
"the baddest" came out in 2000.
Year of 1999. "the baddest" came out in 2000. So, I was completely locked in.
I wasn't thinking about nothing
so, I was completely locked in. I wasn't thinking about nothing else but that.
I had no distractions.
Else but that. I had no distractions. I had all the help from the
guys.
They were partying.
Guys. They were partying. I got a lot of stories from them
they were partying. I got a lot of stories from them because they would be always
chasing girls.
Because they would be always chasing girls. And I was just like, "some of
these girls, they're not like my
and I was just like, "some of these girls, they're not like my girls."
like, my girls, we ain't pulling
up like that.
Like, my girls, we ain't pulling up like that. You ain't tricking us to the set
like that.
Like, we just come from a
different vibe.
So, when I see some of these
girls, sometimes I would ask
so, when I see some of these girls, sometimes I would ask them.
Girls, sometimes I would ask them. They know.
Them. They know. I would pull them to the side
they know. I would pull them to the side and be like, "you so pretty.
Why you here?"
like, "why you here with these
why you here?" like, "why you here with these guys?"
they'd be like, "oh, you're just
trying to block our vibe."
I'd be like, "no, because I'm a
girl," and I'm speaking for
these girls.
Girl," and I'm speaking for these girls. I came up around women -- you
know, in a beauty salon, it's
just women.
Know, in a beauty salon, it's just women. I mean, these are grown ladies.
Just women. I mean, these are grown ladies. They're venting.
They're going through divorce.
They're having kids.
They tell it all in the salon.
So, as a kid, I've heard so
they tell it all in the salon. So, as a kid, I've heard so much of it.
And just growing, I was always
just always like that when it
and just growing, I was always just always like that when it came to women.
Just always like that when it came to women. Like, you got to boss up.
Came to women. Like, you got to boss up. You got to, like, push through.
You got to keep moving, because
you got to, like, push through. You got to keep moving, because nobody cares.
Work harder.
Nobody cares. Work harder. Nobody's coming to save you.
And I believe the only person
nobody's coming to save you. And I believe the only person that saved me is my mom, and
and I believe the only person that saved me is my mom, and she's not here.
That saved me is my mom, and she's not here. So, I definitely don't depend
on nobody coming to save me.
That's just -- that's just in
me.
♪
>> trina: Never had a problem with wayne, ever. Wayne was one of the most honest
guys I've ever been around,
wayne was one of the most honest guys I've ever been around, honestly.
Guys I've ever been around, honestly. Wayne and I was really young.
Honestly. Wayne and I was really young. I was really young.
Wayne was younger.
It's two people coming up in the
wayne was younger. It's two people coming up in the same game.
But before me and wayne, me and
wayne was friends.
So, just being somebody that you
know that's your friend, you
so, just being somebody that you know that's your friend, you kind of just -- we in the same
thing, and we know what goes on
in the same thing.
Thing, and we know what goes on in the same thing. Us just coming up and growing
up -- wayne was going through a
us just coming up and growing up -- wayne was going through a lot in a situation with his
label and his self and trying to
make sure he get to the top.
Label and his self and trying to make sure he get to the top. This is right before he did
"fireman."
this is right before he did "fireman." I was there.
I remember him being in like a
very pivotal moment, and I was
just pushing and pushing, like,
"you it."
like, "you got to turn this
around.
Like, "you got to turn this around. We got to figure this out."
and he came up with the
we got to figure this out." and he came up with the "fireman," and that was the
takeoff.
I looked at wayne as just a
really great friend that I could
tell and any and everything.
Really great friend that I could tell and any and everything. Wayne and I got engaged, and I
don't know if I was ready to
wayne and I got engaged, and I don't know if I was ready to handle that or knew how to
handle it.
Handle that or knew how to handle it. Just scared, just young, just
chasing your dream, watching
just scared, just young, just chasing your dream, watching somebody else that you already
adore and think is so dope chase
their dreams, and trying to put
that together.
Their dreams, and trying to put that together. Wayne is a workaholic.
That together. Wayne is a workaholic. Wayne is gonna get in the studio
wayne is a workaholic. Wayne is gonna get in the studio 24 hours.
He's the most giving,
considerate person I've ever
he's the most giving, considerate person I've ever met.
Considerate person I've ever met. I just feel like with us, it's
one of those things where --
when you're just young, I feel
like, just early, early 20s,
that's when the most mistakes is
being made.
That's when the most mistakes is being made. That's when you're trying to
figure it out.
That's when you're unsure.
Figure it out. That's when you're unsure. You're uncertain the most.
Like, you don't want to make
you're uncertain the most. Like, you don't want to make mistakes.
You don't want to fail.
Mistakes. You don't want to fail. You don't want to do nothing for
you don't want to fail. You don't want to do nothing for it to not be.
Are you really ready for that?
It to not be. Are you really ready for that? It was just one of those kind of
are you really ready for that? It was just one of those kind of situations.
>> keep skateboarding, bro!
Situations. >> keep skateboarding, bro! [ crowd cheers ]
>> trina: My mom had me at 18.
My mom's mom's family is from
nassau, bahamas.
I was gonna be born in nassau.
Nassau, bahamas. I was gonna be born in nassau. My mom end up falling, like,
tripped up the step and off the
my mom end up falling, like, tripped up the step and off the bus, fell.
Tripped up the step and off the bus, fell. Had to go to the hospital.
Bus, fell. Had to go to the hospital. Almost had a miscarriage.
I survive.
And then, knowing that the
person that helped you create me
and then, knowing that the person that helped you create me is nowhere in the picture at
all, I don't resonate with that
when it comes to men.
All, I don't resonate with that when it comes to men. When I say "my dads," that's
what I call showing.
You're putting the action.
What I call showing. You're putting the action. It's just not a word.
You're a whole person that
it's just not a word. You're a whole person that created a human, and you were
you're a whole person that created a human, and you were nowhere to be found.
Created a human, and you were nowhere to be found. So, therefore, I'm numb to that.
Nowhere to be found. So, therefore, I'm numb to that. So, when it comes to a man,
so, therefore, I'm numb to that. So, when it comes to a man, certainty must take place for
so, when it comes to a man, certainty must take place for me.
Certainty must take place for me. Like, reassurance.
Me. Like, reassurance. I need to make sure.
At 23 years old, I was in love,
but I wasn't sure to be a wife.
I didn't want to make the
mistake.
I didn't know what to do.
Mistake. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what a wife do.
Like, back then, it's a scary
place of just being me, the
like, back then, it's a scary place of just being me, the "girl off 'nann,'" the persona
of you feeling like there's this
raunchy girl that comes from the
city, and she got this edge and
this spunk, this sass.
City, and she got this edge and this spunk, this sass. The song is the streets.
This spunk, this sass. The song is the streets. That's what it is.
But when I'm with you, it's a
that's what it is. But when I'm with you, it's a whole different person.
That's the katrina person.
Whole different person. That's the katrina person. The song is -- that's my
that's the katrina person. The song is -- that's my alter ego.
That's an illusion.
Alter ego. That's an illusion. You could lust and do all it
that's an illusion. You could lust and do all it over that.
But when it comes to me, it has
to be real.
[ crowd cheers ]
knowing who I am now, I would
say there are parts of the
relationship I took for granted
because I didn't understand or
didn't know.
Because I didn't understand or didn't know. Or I was unsure.
Didn't know. Or I was unsure. I was unsure.
I always put this thing up.
And, just to be honest, a part
of me sometimes, I don't know
and, just to be honest, a part of me sometimes, I don't know how to not put it up
because I don't know how to set
myself up for failure.
Because I don't know how to set myself up for failure. I don't know how to do that.
Myself up for failure. I don't know how to do that. ♪
kenyon martin became even more
of the reason why I have walls
up.
Of the reason why I have walls up. Kenyon martin and I were in
love, absolutely.
This is the expectation.
Love, absolutely. This is the expectation. This is the high-profile person
this is the expectation. This is the high-profile person in the world.
I don't know you.
In the world. I don't know you. I am another person in the
world.
You knew me before I knew you.
World. You knew me before I knew you. You knew who I was.
And then this exterior, that
you knew who I was. And then this exterior, that persona thing builds up of the
and then this exterior, that persona thing builds up of the girl from "nann."
that's the infatuation that men
are drawn to.
That's the infatuation that men are drawn to. But when I meet her, it's a
whole different person.
Like, the sweetest person.
Whole different person. Like, the sweetest person. A lot of things went bad, you
like, the sweetest person. A lot of things went bad, you know?
And this thing, I let my entire
guard down.
I was the most vulnerable I've
ever been in any relationship.
And then things took a turn,
where it was no truth, and it
and then things took a turn, where it was no truth, and it was no honesty.
Where it was no truth, and it was no honesty. And that became to bother me.
Was no honesty. And that became to bother me. I became to feel unwanted.
I became to feel unappreciated.
I became to feel...All these
things that I shouldn't feel.
In those situations, where
there's a man, and he have kids,
in those situations, where there's a man, and he have kids, you know, me, without the kids,
I go, "let me be as supportive
as I can for that," because I
know that can be a touchy
situation.
Know that can be a touchy situation. And things could be all cool
until somebody else come in the
and things could be all cool until somebody else come in the picture.
Until somebody else come in the picture. And now you can't see your kids.
Picture. And now you can't see your kids. You can't visit -- just the
and now you can't see your kids. You can't visit -- just the stuff that happens.
"oh, yeah, just be with me.
Stuff that happens. "oh, yeah, just be with me. Don't worry about that."
that's not me.
Trust is the biggest factor for
me.
I have to trust you.
Me. I have to trust you. We're both doing our thing.
We're both successful.
We both make money.
We both live our life.
But if I trust you, and I put my
we both live our life. But if I trust you, and I put my all into you, and we're planning
but if I trust you, and I put my all into you, and we're planning a family, and we're living a
life together, and you betray
that, I don't know how to give
the man the power to do that to
me.
>> trina: My album "the one" -- I've worked on this album for five years almost.
I mean, I would book the studio.
Five years almost. I mean, I would book the studio. I would go record for months and
months and months.
Sometimes I wouldn't record
nothing.
Sometimes I was in a good space.
Nothing. Sometimes I was in a good space. Sometimes I wasn't.
The time my mom got sick -- this
sometimes I wasn't. The time my mom got sick -- this is how I created the "mama" song
the time my mom got sick -- this is how I created the "mama" song to my mom.
Is how I created the "mama" song to my mom. I was in a terrible space.
To my mom. I was in a terrible space. My mom was sick.
I was just mad at the world.
I was angry.
I just didn't get it.
I was like, "here I go, living
my best life.
Me and my friends, we drinking,
we partying."
me and my friends, we drinking, we partying." my mom never drank a sip of wine
in her entire life.
My mom never drank a sip of wine in her entire life. I don't have a major deal at
this time.
I'm doing this on my own.
This time. I'm doing this on my own. We go get a deal with
sony records.
I went to do my album.
Sony records. I went to do my album. I put wayne on my album.
I called him.
I want him on my album.
Done.
2 chainz on my album.
Done.
Plies. Done.
Rico love. Done.
Nicki minaj. Done.
It was something that happened
nicki minaj. Done. It was something that happened when I went to the studio.
I went to the studio for a week.
When I went to the studio. I went to the studio for a week. I didn't record nothing,
all week.
The engineer -- we just sitting
there.
Nobody's recording.
There. Nobody's recording. Chef is cooking.
I'm just -- I'm just stuck,
chef is cooking. I'm just -- I'm just stuck, numb.
I'm not writing nothing.
Numb. I'm not writing nothing. I'm listening to music.
Everything is sad.
This record comes up, and I do
everything is sad. This record comes up, and I do this record for my mom.
My mom was sick.
This record for my mom. My mom was sick. I was like, "mom, this is
my mom was sick. I was like, "mom, this is the..."
a friend of mine comes to the
studio to see me.
A friend of mine comes to the studio to see me. Brian mckinney -- this is a
friend of mine.
"I'm gonna stop by and see you.
Friend of mine. "I'm gonna stop by and see you. I feel like you just need some
good energy in the studio."
he says, "I'm gonna bring
somebody with me."
and I said, "okay, cool."
he come by the studio.
And I said, "okay, cool." he come by the studio. He was in there for, like, a
good 10, 15 minutes, and then
he was in there for, like, a good 10, 15 minutes, and then ms. Kelly price walks in the
studio.
Ms. Kelly price walks in the studio. I was so fanned out, my god.
Studio. I was so fanned out, my god. I was in tears.
I'm already sad.
I'm in tears. It's just a lot.
And then I just stopped the
music.
So, I'm just like, "you know,
oh, my god, how are you?
I can't believe it's you.
Oh, my god, how are you? I can't believe it's you. I can't believe you came in
here."
like, I was just so happy.
Here." like, I was just so happy. She goes, "what are you working
on?"
she goes, "what are you working on?" I'm like, "oh, just some music,
must my album stuff, whatever."
and she said, "well, play
something.
And she said, "well, play something. Let me hear what you're working
on."
let me hear what you're working on." so, we just start playing a
track.
So, we just start playing a track. I was trying to play a little
upbeat because I was already
with the tears.
Upbeat because I was already with the tears. I'm trying to hold the tears
back.
So, we go through these songs,
and I play the song that I was
so, we go through these songs, and I play the song that I was working on about my mom.
And I play the song that I was working on about my mom. As soon as I play the song, she
said, "stop the music."
as soon as I play the song, she said, "stop the music." and she just went in the studio,
went in the booth.
And she just went in the studio, went in the booth. She just started singing.
Went in the booth. She just started singing. And it was just -- the song was
she just started singing. And it was just -- the song was talking about my mom and just me
and it was just -- the song was talking about my mom and just me being sad and just me needing
her.
Being sad and just me needing her. And then, she just went to
saying, like, "mama, please
and then, she just went to saying, like, "mama, please don't go," and it just went all
the way in full tear mode.
Don't go," and it just went all the way in full tear mode. And when she came out, I was
happy.
I was sad.
Happy. I was sad. I was crying.
I just was hugging her so tight
I didn't even want to let her
go.
I couldn't believe that she
just, like, walked in -- like,
her night in miami, whatever
she was doing prior, she got an
hour or two to, like, hang out.
She was doing prior, she got an hour or two to, like, hang out. And you decided to come by the
studio where I'm recording it.
I play this record.
Studio where I'm recording it. I play this record. It's about my mom.
You go in the studio.
You do the song.
The rest is history.
♪
the rest is history. ♪ boom. Album comes out.
Now, I'm in a bad situation with
members of my team that has not
now, I'm in a bad situation with members of my team that has not been honest, has not explained
to me certain situations.
Been honest, has not explained to me certain situations. Just...You know what?
To me certain situations. Just...You know what? A lot of it hurt me.
And this is two years ago.
I've grown so much since then.
I'm still hurt.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm still hurt.
But it was just -- this album,
like, I worked so hard.
I went through so much to get
the artists that I admired and
respect.
The artists that I admired and respect. And just the fact that off of
good faith in me and my name
and just the fact that off of good faith in me and my name that they made sure to do the
songs for me, do the verses, and
to get back in time.
Songs for me, do the verses, and to get back in time. And they cleared it, and
everybody, and it just -- it's
and they cleared it, and everybody, and it just -- it's somebody that still came behind
me and screwed me over.
Somebody that still came behind me and screwed me over. That one hurt, you know?
Me and screwed me over. That one hurt, you know? It hurt.
It hurt to see my album taken
it hurt. It hurt to see my album taken off.
It hurt to go behind the doors
privately to fight to get it
it hurt to go behind the doors privately to fight to get it back up.
Privately to fight to get it back up. We got it back up.
Back up. We got it back up. We got it back up.
You know, a lot of people say
we got it back up. You know, a lot of people say they're thankful to whoever.
I say thankful to my mom because
I know.
I could feel her.
You know, I could feel her
everywhere I'm at.
I just feel it.
Everywhere I'm at. I just feel it. And yeah, we fought to get it
back.
We went through hell.
Back. We went through hell. It was almost like somebody just
we went through hell. It was almost like somebody just left you to die.
So, when it comes to that, it's
like it's just not me.
It's my whole team.
Like it's just not me. It's my whole team. It's those that's riding in the
it's my whole team. It's those that's riding in the back for me.
It's those that's making sure
everything goes right.
And this person I trusted, this
man, this man that I trusted
and this person I trusted, this man, this man that I trusted you.
Man, this man that I trusted you. You were somebody that I...
You. You were somebody that I... You were somebody I allowed to
you were somebody that I... You were somebody I allowed to speak for me, to sign for me, to
you were somebody I allowed to speak for me, to sign for me, to deliver for me, and you failed
me.
Deliver for me, and you failed me. You deliberately betrayed me,
and you failed me.
And there's no forgiveness for
that.
There's no coming back from
that.
>> I want to talk about
raymond taylor and how much
people love you two together.
>> trina: [ chuckles ] raymond is a ball of light. He's just refreshing.
Raymond is a ball of light. He's just refreshing. He gets me.
I feel like he's the male
he gets me. I feel like he's the male version of me.
When it comes to him, he's just
there full circle for me,
when it comes to him, he's just there full circle for me, whatever it is.
There full circle for me, whatever it is. >> is raymond the one you can
finally rely on?
>> trina: I rely on him because
he knows what I need.
But I'm still always relying on
me, always.
>> so, let me try another way.
Me, always. >> so, let me try another way. Is raymond finally that man who
you don't worry is gonna let you
is raymond finally that man who you don't worry is gonna let you down?
You don't worry is gonna let you down? >> trina: When it comes to being
let down, there's nobody in this
world that might not let you
down.
World that might not let you down. Husband, best friend, boss --
whatever you have going on,
husband, best friend, boss -- whatever you have going on, there's a chance that something
could probably disappoint you
and let you down.
Could probably disappoint you and let you down. For me, my wall is up for that.
♪ >> trina: So, when I started my career, kids were totally out of
the question.
Career, kids were totally out of the question. As signed to a label as a female
artist, you were taught and
as signed to a label as a female artist, you were taught and told, "you have a kid, that's
the end of your career."
and, I mean, I didn't get it
then.
And, I mean, I didn't get it then. Well, I did get it, because I
was young.
So, I was like "a kid?
Was young. So, I was like "a kid? How you gonna go on a show?
How you gonna do a tour?
How you gonna get a role?
What you gonna do with a kid?
Who's gonna watch it?"
what you gonna do with a kid? Who's gonna watch it?" my mom is there all the time,
who's gonna watch it?" my mom is there all the time, but thinking -- I don't know.
My mom is there all the time, but thinking -- I don't know. Just being young, thinking,
like, "is that raising a kid,
just being young, thinking, like, "is that raising a kid, just dropping off to your
grandma, drop if off grandma
house, drop it off to your mom?"
yeah, she's there, but my mama
wasn't dropping me off to
nobody's house.
Wasn't dropping me off to nobody's house. I was supposed to have a kid.
Nobody's house. I was supposed to have a kid. I had four miscarriages, the
most hurtful thing in the world
to happen as a woman.
Most hurtful thing in the world to happen as a woman. Sometimes -- I didn't know how
to bounce back from that.
Sometimes I screamed, "I never
want to get pregnant, have a kid
sometimes I screamed, "I never want to get pregnant, have a kid in my life.
Want to get pregnant, have a kid in my life. I don't care what nobody say."
because what I experienced, it
was hurtful.
Because what I experienced, it was hurtful. And you're not me.
Was hurtful. And you're not me. You're not in my shoes.
So, you can't walk in the pain
you're not in my shoes. So, you can't walk in the pain that I've walked in to feel
so, you can't walk in the pain that I've walked in to feel that.
That I've walked in to feel that. Like, having a miscarriage?
That. Like, having a miscarriage? Okay, for me, it was two
like, having a miscarriage? Okay, for me, it was two attachments.
"okay, you're pregnant.
Attachments. "okay, you're pregnant. This is beautiful" at the time
because you're in a great
this is beautiful" at the time because you're in a great relationship.
Because you're in a great relationship. We both want this.
Relationship. We both want this. Do you tell people?
Do you get too excited?
You don't make it public.
I'm not a "public-announcement"
you don't make it public. I'm not a "public-announcement" kind of girl.
So, a couple friends knew, a
couple family.
Then, boom, something go wrong.
Couple family. Then, boom, something go wrong. You have a miscarriage.
And everybody's in a huddle,
you have a miscarriage. And everybody's in a huddle, crying over you.
Now it's a pity party.
Crying over you. Now it's a pity party. I don't want the pity party.
That's making me sad and
depressed.
I don't want to have that.
Depressed. I don't want to have that. Don't want to feel like a
failure.
I don't want to feel, "is it me?
Failure. I don't want to feel, "is it me? Is it my fault? Why?
Why, why, why?"
is it my fault? Why? Why, why, why?" four times.
I don't even know.
Four times. I don't even know. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a
mom.
Or am I?
Mom. Or am I? "oh, you'll be a beautiful mom."
or am I? "oh, you'll be a beautiful mom." and then...
When my mom got sick, 2015, I
said, "do I really want a child?
How could I have a child without
my mom here?"
how could I have a child without my mom here?" I don't have the connection to
go through and see it without
her.
Go through and see it without her. I don't feel like I have
enough...
I don't have enough stuff,
greatness.
I don't know.
Greatness. I don't know. I don't have what she gave to me
to give.
I don't know -- I don't know if
I have that.
Like, if she's here, that's the
most dependable person for my
like, if she's here, that's the most dependable person for my child.
Most dependable person for my child. Without her being here...No, I'm
not relying.
I don't care if this is my
husband.
Husbands go away. Stuff happens.
Husband. Husbands go away. Stuff happens. We could fall out.
It could be years later.
The kid's still gonna be here
it could be years later. The kid's still gonna be here forever to the day we leave this
the kid's still gonna be here forever to the day we leave this earth.
Forever to the day we leave this earth. I don't...I don't even know how
to trust that deep.
I don't know how to let go like
that.
Nothing feels so safe and so
surreal for me.
That's just me.
Surreal for me. That's just me. May not be for everybody, but
that's just me. May not be for everybody, but for me.
♪
I'm just constantly evolving.
I just call it growing, though.
It's like growing up, you know?
When it comes to anything --
it's like growing up, you know? When it comes to anything -- music, everything.
Like, you know, even with my
fans, like, yeah, we all want
like, you know, even with my fans, like, yeah, we all want the "nann" record, but "nann"
was 20 years ago.
The "nann" record, but "nann" was 20 years ago. I was young and wild and crazy.
Was 20 years ago. I was young and wild and crazy. [ laughs ]
crazy, crazy!
I'm more chill and grown and
mature.
I know what I want.
Mature. I know what I want. I'm grounded. I'm solid.
Music led into one thing.
Want me to do my own company, my
music led into one thing. Want me to do my own company, my own label.
Wanting to just evolve in a way
where you have new rules, new
wanting to just evolve in a way where you have new rules, new obligations, new goals.
Where you have new rules, new obligations, new goals. That's how I look at my life.
Obligations, new goals. That's how I look at my life. Every day I wake up with a new
that's how I look at my life. Every day I wake up with a new goal, to be better than I was
every day I wake up with a new goal, to be better than I was yesterday, to be better than I
was hours ago.
Yesterday, to be better than I was hours ago. I may have been on a phone call,
and I hated the call.
It wasn't what I wanted.
And I hated the call. It wasn't what I wanted. How do I make this call turn out
it wasn't what I wanted. How do I make this call turn out to be execution for me?
Hours later down the line, how
do I benefit from it?
How can I turn this disaster
into, like, triumph?
How can I master from this?
Into, like, triumph? How can I master from this? That's how I always think.
No matter what it is thrown
that's how I always think. No matter what it is thrown against me, I'm always thinking
no matter what it is thrown against me, I'm always thinking of, "how can I execute the
plan?"
I learned it from my mom,
though.
She always played by her rules,
and she always won.
So, for me, don't play by nobody
else's rules, because you set
yourself up for failure and
disappointment, because you
trusted somebody that can
possibly let you down.
If I trust me, and this don't
work out, it's all or nothing.
And I don't blame nobody but me.
I'm gonna take the "l," and I'm
gonna come back up for a win.
That's just the way it go.