Coffee, gum...
tampons?
Seriously? Tampons.
Wow. Brave new world, fellas.
Did she say what kind she wants?
No, no details. But you know what?
I know a little about tampons 'cause I have a sister.
- I have a mother. - I've got an ex-wife.
We got this.
So the question is do we get the pink box or the purple one?
Desert Mist.
What kind of flavor is that?
It's a scent of mist in the desert.
Okay, man. I don't know.
Do you think she wants a nighttime tampon?
There's a difference between nighttime and daytime?
Yeah, yeah, like that one's got the moon and stars on it.
But so does Lucky Charms, and they're for the morning.
- Huh? - Those are pads.
And there's no such thing as nighttime tampons.
Are to. My wife used to send me
on runs for nighttime tampons all the time.
- Well, she hated you. - Eddie Spaghetti?
Oh! That is you. Eddie Penisi.
- Uh... - Trudy Towers. Do you remember me?
Oh, my God, Trudy Towers. Of course I remember you.
You look good. All grown up.
Look at you. You're a firefighter.
Captain, no less.
- Gosh. - Yeah, well.
Actually, I could use your help with this new carbon monoxide detector.
I don't know how to install it.
It's easy. You just plug it in.
Plug it in to what?
Into an outlet.
Then what would I do with my air freshener?
Rescue 42, 65-year-old male reported chest pains.
Requested EMS response.
24, responding. I'm so sorry. I got to go save somebody.
Call me at the station. I'll help you out with everything.
All right. Okay, okay.
Okay, Eddie Spaghetti, what was all that about?
- How do you know her? - She took my virginity.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
It was the summer of '92 when a recently divorced
48-year-old former center-fold became the neighbor
of a horny AF 16-year-old boy.
She was 48 and you were 16.
- Yep. - She was a center-fold?
- Big time. - Really just honed
in on different things there.
Center-fold... July 1972.
And when I met her, she was still super fit
from doing those Paula Abdul workout videos.
To this day, I still get turned on by leggings with stirrups.
- To this day. - Who's Paul Abdul? He sounds hot.
- Sorry, Cap, keep going. - Oh, man.
I would mow her lawn.
And she stepped outside with a fresh pitcher of lemonade.
I knew it was time to go back inside.
Hey.
I can still smell the scent
of fresh cut grass mingled with her perfume.
Infatu-oso.
And she taught me everything.
We even did missionary fifth base.
Sounds like a jazz band.
Wait, what's missionary fifth base?
Mm. Mm-mm.
Missionary, though?
It's tough, but you do it.
So, Miss July, you gonna give her a little summer loving?
Oh, that's not even funny, dude.
You saw her shuffle around back there with the prunes in her cart.
I mean, one good thrust, and she'd turn to powder.
They say you always have a soft spot for your first one.
Yeah, I lost my virginity to Emily Bernard.
And I wish I had another crack at it, you know?
She worked at the zoo.
And there was this mob of baby meerkats
that would watch us get it on.
Man, it was beautiful.
They would just pop up and be like, "Mee, mee, mee."
And I'd be like, "Yeah, yeah."
And they'd be like, "Mee, mee, mee."
I felt like Matt Damon in "We Bought a Zoo."
CJ Thomas at the Dairy King snack shack.
We did it on this ice cream case.
So now whenever I have sex, I have this thing...
Oh, come on. I don't want to hear this.
Na-na-na-na-na-na!
Mine was Mandy Carvallo, senior year.
- High school? - No, college.
Wait, you waited until you were a senior in college.
No, bro. She was a senior in college.
I was 27.
- Right. - I was a full 10 years younger than you
when I lost my virginity.
- You were seven? - Come on! You're her uncle!
And you keep popping out of nowhere.
Talk about sports.
- Sorry. - Okay, Granny, you go.
Erica Kools.
She was the football coach's daughter.
- Oh. - Ooh.
- Nice. - You know what?
That's why I have the hots for the new dispatcher.
She sounds just like Erica did.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, she, the new dispatcher is a dude.
No, she isn't. I've been flirting with her.
- She isn't. - No big deal,
but you've definitely been flirting with a man.
Can I come back in? Are you guys done now?
That's your fourth cookie, rabbit.
You're gonna get diarrhea from all that chocolate.
Hey, Chiefy.
What, is it mac and cheese day?
Yeah, Pasta Penisi. Go help yourself.
Leave some for the rest of us, okay?
Come on, Chief, we're at a perfectly delightful lunch
until you came in here, started scratching your scaly arms.
Oh, get over, huh? It's that time of the year.
- I get extra dry. - Yeah.
It's that time of the year for me too, Chief...
allergy season. And all the dust in the station is from your skin.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. You need to moisturize.
Nobody needs to moisturize, okay?
It's a fad. It's for girls.
Don't point at me.
There's a lot of guys that moisturize.
- I bet these guys moisturize. - Yeah.
I wear night cream during the daytime 'cause I'm a bad boy.
- How come you don't like it? - I don't know. It's gross.
Makes my arm hair wet.
I can't feel my fingerprints, like the loops and the swirls
get filled up with cream.
- Disgusting. - Feel your fingerprints?
That makes no sense.
It literally looks like you're grating cheese.
Yeah, the whole idea of moisturizing cream
is to moisturize it so it doesn't flake like that.
- It's a gross word... moist. - Look at his elbow.
- It's like a White Walker. - Oh, God.
- Come on. - It looks like a root vegetable.
I hope that's not genetic.
You're like a snake shedding skin.
All right. Enough, enough with the lotion talk.
Okay, listen. Just hear me out.
How about this, okay? You try moisturizing.
Just try it for one day.
And we'll all shut up about it. Right, guys?
- Yes. Absolutely. - Yes.
- One day? - It's one day.
- One day? - One day.
- Yeah. - Okay, fine. I will try it
just to make you cry babies shut up.
- Great. - What are we trying?
Quinoa, pilates?
No, it's a...
Station 24, rescue 42.
- See? Wait, - See, sounds like a girl.
- it's totally a dude. - You crazy.
No, you're crazy. You're crazy.
Look... It's a...
- Sounds like Erica. - It's a dude.
- Sounds like Erica.
Hey! You two, pinch it off.
- Let's go. - Erica had a nut sack...
No, no, no.
Thank you for coming, Eddie.
My pleasure.
Stick it here, in the lower socket.
- See. - Lower socket?
Yeah. Easy as pie.
Sticking an inanimate object into a tight hole,
just like old times, huh?
Yeah.
Would you help me with one more thing?
Yeah, anything.
I have to change the bulb in this fixture.
And I'm really nervous about getting up on the step stool.
Say no more. I'm a firefighter.
I get up on ladders all the time.
All right.
And we meet again.
There we go.
All right.
Anyway. I should probably be going.
Feels like I've done a lot.
You look terrific. I mean.
I know you're really busy, but,
I have one last favor to ask of you.
Yeah, Trudy, anything.
Will you take me up to my bedroom
and plug your air freshener into my lower socket?
I'm dying.
I've only got two months to live.
Trudy, that's terrible.
And I want to make love to you one last time.
So, like, you were my first and I'd be your last.
If you're dying, I'd be a real shitty person to say no.
Yeah.
Hey. How'd it go with Centrum Silver?
Yeah, did you do a little coo-coo-ca-choo with Mrs. Robinson?
Did she complain about mobile banking?
My grandma always complains about it.
- It's pretty tricky. - You guys are sick.
Why don't you hyenas get your mind out of the gutter.
Hey, oh. Good morning.
- Good morning. Good morning. - Hey.
- Hey. How's it going, Chief?
Well, you're in a good mood.
That's because I'm a new man... a new smoother man.
Oh. Yeah, who do I have to thank for this? I mean, look.
I have asked this man to moisturize for how long.
And these are the hands that I married.
Look at them. So soft.
Yeah, you know what we did with these soft hands last night?
Are you familiar with the Kamasutra position
called "The Crunchy Fry"?
- Hey, I don't want to hear that. - Seriously.
They usually smell like corn ships and foot powder,
- but now... - Ugh.
- Lotion! - Yeah.
- What do you got there? - It's a beautifying lotion.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Is it good? - I love it.
It's got cocoa butter in it and stuff.
I use it for my whole body.
It's mine now.
- What? - This is the chief's lotion.
- What are you mugging the guy? - I got a lady to impress.
Aw, come here. Come here, come here.
- Mwah. Mwah. - Mmm..
Look how moist my lips are. My lips are moist.
Oh, come on, guys.
Grow up. I love this chief.
Yeah, grow up. It's natural. How do you think you got here?
You keep turning back the clock on those paws.
- I will. - Get a room, you guys.
- I'm gonna have another sibling. - Whoo!
That is some stink from you. What is that? Oh, man.
That's that Infatu-oso smell.
You remember that smell of that old lady?
Across the street?
Nude-y Trudy Towers... it was her perfume.
It was gross.
Yeah, you know, I helped her out around the house yesterday.
So probably some of it rubbed off on me.
Oh, my God.
Eddie, are you sleeping with Trudy Towers again?
What is wrong with you people? It's like you all ate asshole biscuits
this morning for breakfast.
Eddie, you are such a pervert!
How old is she now?
How should I know? 73.
In other words, too old for me to have sex with.
Oh, yeah. Right. If Diane Sawyer walked in here right now,
you'd make some news with her, huh?
- She's 73. - That's unfair.
You know I have a soft spot for anchorwomen.
It's okay to admit it, Captain.
Gladys Knight is 74 years old,
and I'd ride her "Midnight Train" all the way to Georgia and back.
Joe Biden is 75,
and I'd be on his foreign-relations committee any day of the week!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Baby, please. You, stop banging an old lady.
That is disgusting.
Hey, hey, hey, for the last time,
I would never have sex with a 73-year-old.
- Everybody got that? - Okay.
- We're just razzing ya. - Hey, how old do you go?
I'd go grandma from "Moana."
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
And then I'd let her turn into a stingray,
and then I'd do it again.
- She's animated, though. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? What about you?
I always had a thing for that lady
from the "Blade Runner" with the snake.
- Oh. - Always found her hot.
Hey, you. Thanks for calling back.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
I fell down three times getting the phone.
That's what I get for having my legs up over my...
Did you hear that? What was that?
Yeah. I think that was you pressing the buttons.
No. No. It was different.
That's all right. Phones can be tricky.
It's a 22-year-old I met at a rave last night.
So dumb, she can't even use the phone.
Mm. A rave, huh?
That's how I roll.
Mm. Congrats.
Oh, my God. I cannot stop thinking about you.
- When can I see you again? - How about tomorrow?
Let's meet at the soup station at 11:30.
Make sure that we get one of the booths in the middle.
Otherwise, you can't get the waitress's attention
when you want a refill of...
Aah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Soup station at 11:30.
I'll see... It's this waitress I'm dating.
She, uh, is working her way through college
'cause that's what young people do.
Trudy, the thing you did with my tingle button last night
was, like, unbelievable.
Paramedic Smith from Station 24 to Dispatch.
Dispatch to Station 24.
Hey! Um, I was working on the paperwork
on that cardiac you sent us out on yesterday,
and I don't have the proper address.
Could you give that to me?
3843 Sammish Avenue.
I'm writing it down right now.
Right now, as we speak.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Oh, don't mention it.
Is there a science lab around here?
'Cause I'm sensing some chemistry.
- What's your name? - I'm Taylor.
Anything else I can help you with?
Oh, no.
You've answered all of my questions, Taylor.
♪ Taylor ♪
Are we really doing this? We're gonna prank the chief?
Of course we are. He's a lotion bully,
and that's the worst kind of bully.
He's gonna kill us... you know that, right?
No, no. He's gonna realize that it's mayonnaise right away,
and then, once he does, we'll all laugh about it.
He'll be like, "Man... "
He'll be like, "Ha! You guys are my favorite."
Be like, "Ah, man, we have fun here."
- Mm. Okay. - Here.
What? What do I do with it?
- Well, just put it down. - Yeah.
Yeah, just put it there, yeah, so he can see.
Ooh! This must be what cocaine feels like.
- I don't know. - Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!
Hey, come check this out.
Gather around, everybody.
Look at this.
- Boom. - Damn!
Aha!
Wow. That's that lady?
- Dynamite. - Trudy Towers was hot, dude.
- Whew! - Hey.
What are you guys looking at? What's this?
Oh, a Q&A with Richard Nixon.
I wonder what he's been up to.
This is a 1972 "Playpen" magazine,
and that is the old lady we've been talking about.
Whoa!
You are having sex with her, aren't you?
All right, enough. Enough.
The day I bang a modern-day Trudy Towers is the day
I eat a burrito made out of Granny's cheetah-skin underwear.
Oh!
- Okay. - They're leopard skin.
- Okay. - But I'll take it, anyway.
- Whatever. - That's a good bet.
Oh, yeah, um...
- What's that? - What?
That's just, um... That's just some lotion.
- Some new lotion? - New lotion, yeah.
It's very super hydrating.
Yeah. Just regular, plain.
- The best kind. - The best kind.
- Yeah. - Go ahead, please.
- Try it out. - Just use a bit.
- Ooh, yeah. - Whoa.
Yeah, you're really putting it on there.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Smells good?
- Wow. It smells... like? - Familiar.
- Uh-huh. - It smells familiar.
- Do you like it? - Well, it says,
Alpine, but it's not Alpine. It's like...
Yeah.
Smells like a... like a picnic.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
Like a fancy picnic, you know?
- We're sorry. - With the good condiments.
- Right? - Yeah, yeah. It's not ketchup.
It's not, you know, mustard.
Like a brown mustard with the seeds in it.
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, we didn't know.
We were just like, "Ah, let's do it."
- Yeah. - You know what it's like?
It's like mine.
I'm taking this with me.
This is now my lotion, guys.
- Thank you very much. Appreciate it. - Oh, yes but... Sorry, Chief...
Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, no.
It's mine. My lotion.
What just happened?
H-He didn't know that was mayonnaise.
- Dick-tap! - Ohh!
Ohh! Oho, oh! Good one, Chief.
Mm.
So, I was just filling out my paperwork
for the MVA from yesterday,
and I realized that I don't have the address.
Could you get it for me?
1216 East McKinley.
Thank you so much.
I mean, I have just been slammed with paperwork.
You sound tall.
- How tall are you? - 5'10".
Has anyone ever told you that you sound like Joe Biden?
Is that a good thing?
Oh, it's a great thing... I mean, definitely, in my book.
Uh, thanks. Gotta go. Out.
Aha!
You were on with Dispatch, weren't you?
No, I was just... I just had a paperwork question.
In the bunk room. Please.
- You were flirting. - Okay, fine. Maybe I was.
But so what? Who cares?
I'm cool with it, as long as you know
you were flirting with my future girlfriend named Taylor.
Actually, I was talking to my future boyfriend,
who happens to be 5'10".
Just like the other 8% of women in Tacoma, you mean?
Where do you get these statistics from?
- Oh, is that Joe Biden? - You ... Get out of here, man!
Stop flirting with my girl.
Taylor's mine.
She's mine!
Oh. Oho, oh.
Oh, you thirsty, boys?
Oh, drink that in.
So wet.
Wet and juicy.
I got juicy knees.
Hey... I got juicy knees.
Goodbye, scaly skin.
Creamy McConky.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
Where have you been all my life?
Thanks, Swisshelm!
Whoa, see, I told you that was a bad idea.
Shh! Where is it?
- Do you think he locks this? - Here, here, here, here. I got it.
- Let's go. - Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
- Hey. - What are you guys doing in here?
We're... We're looking for you.
You know, see how, uh, the, uh, Swisshelm was...
- How's it... - Working out.
You could have just asked me.
- Yeah. - Oh, how's it...
- How's it working? - Wait a minute.
You guys were trying to steal it, weren't you?
- No way. - You were doing something to it.
Why would we replace it with anything or do anything?
You were pranking the chief's lotion.
- I never did that in my day. - Oh!
- That's some big balls you guys got. - Yeah.
You guys got big balls.
You guys are flying a little too close to the sun, huh?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- You got us. - All right.
I tell you what... you got to wake up pretty early
in the morning to put one over on old Creamy McConky.
Hey, Chief, I don't know if you... you...
- Dismissed! - Okay, thanks.
Station 24 to Dispatch.
This is Lucy and Granny.
We were wondering if we could get an address
on that busted power line from earlier today.
Checking. One moment please.
And how's your week been?
Oh, you know how it is when it's that time of the month.
Payday!
So...
what are your co-workers like?
Oh! Darn it!
I just sat on my nuts!
Come on. I was saving those almonds for later.
That doesn't help us at all.
I've got an idea.
Start the car.
All righty.
Think you're gonna prank the chief, huh?
I'll show you how to prank somebody.
You guys are amateurs.
You don't prank the chief.
Nobody pranks the chief, okay?
Hey, guys, guys! Come here! Come here!
- What's up? - I was making some sandwiches,
and I made a few extra.
Don't you hate when that happens?
And, uh, I was thinking maybe you guys
might like to eat them, hmm?
Yeah, they're great. They're really delicious.
Seriously, sit down right now.
- I could eat. - Take a bite.
Take a bite. They're really good.
Delicious sandwiches right there.
Hey. Bite them at the same time.
That's always fun.
You want us to bite them at the same time?
- Like friends. - Okay.
Ah! I got you guys!
- That's not mayo. - What?
It's lotion!
- Ohh! - Ohh!
I put the Swisshelm cream on there!
That's a horrible prank!
- Oh, man! - It tastes like...
- Oh, yeah. - ... lotion in my mouth.
- Oh, man. - Oh, you guys are idiots!
Come on!
Ohh! Man!
- Egh! - Hey.
That's why you don't prank the chief.
'Cause the chief gonna prank you 10 times harder.
- Man, you got us, Chief. - Oh, man.
- Idiots. - Yeah.
- Oh, I'm gonna feel sick for a while. - Gross!
Pretty good sandwich, though.
Yeah, it's not bad, actually.
Guess my brother isn't the deviant scumbag
I thought he was.
Hmm.
What do you think, lawn boy? You thirsty?
- Parched. - Ohh.
You got something?
I'd like you to mow me.
Oh!
- Take me. Take me! - I'm taking you.
He has got to be in here.
I'm sure she is.
Dispatch to Engine 3. Commercial fire alarm at...
2-7-1... 84th and Mastery.
It's her?
Engine 8, Engine 14, switch to channel 3.
We have a gas leak at an apartment complex at 2381
- Wilson Avenue. - It's him?
Vehicle accident, multiple cars...
... westbound on West Valley Highway.
How do they all sound like Taylor?
Excuse me. Is there a Taylor who works here?
Oh, you must mean the TAYLOR...
Tacoma Automated Linguistic Optimization Robot.
- What? - All the dispatchers' voices
are run through that synthesizer.
They found that firefighters' response times are shorter
when we're unidentifiable.
We've actually been having a pretty good time
with the anonymity.
Damn it. I just sat on my nuts.
I was saving those almonds for later.
These boobs are killing me.
I work with a bunch of morons.
Ooh, Ken, this is Paramedic Smith!
Oh, welcome to the science lab, lover boy.
McConky, which one of us sounds like Joe Biden now, huh?
Hey, McConky, don't forget to vote.
Station 24, medical emergency... broken hip.
21219 Proctor Avenue.
Come on, man. That's us.
Hey, just so you guys know, it's not cool to mess
with people's feelings.
- It's totally cool. - Totally cool.
Why was she naked? I don't know.
I don't know, I was out, here mowing the lawn.
It's not against the law for a senior citizen
to walk around naked in her own home.
- You know that, right? - Cap, I know that, yeah.
How'd she break her hip?
I don't know. I-I was out here, okay, remember?
And I heard what sounded like somebody stepping on a twig,
and then I turned around, and there she was with a broken hip.
Ohhh.
Chunky.
Look at how shiny he is.
- Is he sweating? - Ohh.
Hey, Chief, what are you doing here?
I think the question is, what's Eddie doing here?
Yeah. I mean, how can you hear
the sound of a twig snap while she's inside?
I'm... I'm the one that's traumatized here, okay?
- Like... - Hey.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Having sex with a 73-year-old woman?
- Ohh! - Ohh!
Whoa!
Is that what happened?
- No. - She's got osteoporosis.
Why would you put her in that kind of a position?
Oh, what position? Missionary fifth base?
- Nice. - I was just doing what she wanted.
She's dying, okay?
Actually, I'm not.
I just say that to all my naive boy toys.
Oh! Hey-o!
Hey, EMT man, I like your tight pants.
- They look good. - Wow.
- Get it, girl.
- She don't stop. - Oh.
Chief does not look good.
Oh, man. We got to say something. You got to say something.
Hey, Chief.
- Dad! - Chief!
- Oh, my God! - No, no, no.
We're taking this one to the grave.
Chief? Did you trip or something?
That's a virulent strain of salmonella.
I bet I got lotion on that sandwich.
Mnh, no, honey.
You can't get salmonella from lotion.
Yes, you can.
I used that lotion all day long,
and then I was fainting, and I was puking.
And the last time I fainted, I had a vision...
I was visited by this guy... St. Ives,
the patron saint of dry skin.
And he said I dishonored him, so that's got to mean something.
- We're gonna head out, Chief. - All right, see you, pal.
Wait, guys. Just hold on.
I just want to say I-I'm feeling an enormous amount of remorse
- for what I did to you guys. - What?
No, don't worry about it, Chief, please.
I fed you guys a lotion sandwich.
- Oh, yeah, right. - One sandwich.
I mean, I've eaten weirder sandwiches than that.
I mean, you could be laying here right now.
- Ohh. God. - Yeah.
You should rest.
Ohh.
And I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry about that.
- We're over it. - We're fine.
Can you forgive me?
We forgive you, Chief, all right? Just get better.
- Let's go. - It was Andy's idea.
He switched your lotion for mayo.
I didn't want to do it, but he wanted to do it.
I'm so sorry!
I thought we were going to the grave with that.
No, you said that. You said that.
- I did for both of us. - Mayo?
I mean, how do we know it's the mayo?
Of course it was the mayo.
There's eggs in mayo.
We didn't know that there was eggs in mayo.
No, there's not eggs in mayo.
You gave your chief salmonella?
- Not on purpose. - We didn't try to...
Okay. Your blood pressure's gonna rise.
- Let's calm down. - Get me out of this bed.
No. No, no. You shouldn't get up.
I'm gonna get some bacteria on you guys.
Ohh.
He's gone.
It smells funny. Is he dead?
You guys, get the hell out of here before he wakes up, please.
♪ Underwear ♪
♪ You'll eat my underwear ♪
♪ You're eating my underwear ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, eating my underwear ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
By the way, you owe me $14 for that.