[ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪
Driver is a young male.
Appears to be having a seizure. Ambulance requested.
Yeah, these beats make me wanna rage!
Grab me another vodka soda, bee-yatch!
Don't see that every day, huh?
Does that make you jelly, dawg?
- Is this a concussion thing? - Sir, can your hear me?
Ooh, ooh! Bloop-bloop.
Phew, pew-pew! [BLOWS RASPBERRIES]
You gotta admit he's got some great moves.
He looks like he's on a new synthetic club drug called Blast.
The user hallucinates a complete nightclub setting.
Lights, sound, everything.
Yeah!
It's your boy Mr. Toasty!
I'm putting this on the Gram!
I've heard of this stuff.
It's like 75 bucks per dose. Kind of pricey.
I mean, yes and no.
Once you factor in cover charge, bottle service.
Plus the cost of an Uber.
- It adds up. - What are we gonna do?
Maybe we have to wait until the song ends?
All right, I say we go in slowly
and pull him out gently.
- Okay. - Come on, man.
Come with us.
[DANCE MUSIC]
♪♪
Whoo!
♪♪
- Oh! - Stop.
- Whoa! - All right, dude!
Hey! St... calm down!
Lucy, you must have some moves to get a guy
to leave the club with you.
Excuse me, Ike.
Hey, buddy, has anyone ever told you
you look like a young Tony Stark?
- [GRUNTS] - BOTH: Oh!
[COUGHS]
BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh!
- [HORN HONKS] - Whoo!
I wonder what happens on a second date.
Are you okay?
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED"]
♪♪
♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
[MELLOW MUSIC]
- Oh! - There she is!
Lucy McConky, Judo Probie!
Wow. That's quite a neck-shiner.
You know what? Rub some dirt in it.
- You'll be fine. - Does that hurt at all, Luce?
[DEEP VOICE] Only when I breathe or swallow.
- ALL: Whoa! - What's that all about?
When the zonked-out driver whacked me in the throat,
he contused my larynx.
The doctor said I should be better in a week or two.
You're gonna sound like that for two weeks?
Yeah, give or take a couple of days,
but he said it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
I can't wait for it to get worse.
It's a little disturbing.
Are you crazy, Chief? This is entertaining as hell.
Hey, do the movie trailer voice for him.
Ooh!
In a world full of fear,
where right is wrong and up is down,
one man has the courage to take on the system.
- Oh! - Whoa!
- Oh, no way! - Oh!
Do, uh, "Autobots, transform and roll out!"
Autobots, transform and roll out!
Oh! Optimus Prime is here!
Beef. It's what's for dinner.
- [LAUGHS] - Yes!
Okay, come on. Let's go, everybody.
Back to work. Come on. Let's go.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, Ka'ponko. There you are!
- Are you all right? - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey. Yes, yes.
I'm fine. Why?
We heard there was a big scuffle
after that car crash this morning.
Uh, how did you hear about that?
Well, your sister and I saw it on the internet.
It's all over that Nextdoor neighborhood app.
They said that the firefighters
were being attacked by somebody on synthetic party drugs.
I heard the guy lifted up a car!
You guys have to get off that Nextdoor app, okay?
No, you need to leave the firefighting business.
It's too dangerous.
One of these days, you're gonna get yourself killed.
Okay, well, why don't you
stick to your day job, Kailani?
Because I've already got a mother.
[LAUGHTER]
- Oh, I made it light. - Very funny.
Now, are you going to come to the salon tonight?
Yes, of course. I'll see you tonight.
- Okay, we'll see you tonight. - Okay. Okay.
Okay, Mom!
- Hey. - Whoa.
Please be careful out there.
Okay. Stop worrying.
Okay.
What's the matter with you, fart-face, Mom?
- I'll see you guys tonight. - Be careful.
♪♪
Eddie! Come here.
Chiefy, what's up?
Did you order that tetherball pole like I asked?
See, I can't tell if you're serious about that or not.
- Tetherball? - Yeah.
I love tetherball. It's great for morale.
It's great for cardio. It's consistently rated one of
the most wholesome activities in the United States.
- You play tetherball? - I love tetherball.
- I'm gonna order it... - Okay.
And pay with station money at this moment
if you officially authorize it.
Authorized.
Now, because Lucy required medical attention,
I have to file traumatic event paperwork.
Oh, I find all paperwork traumatic.
[LAUGHS] I'll be here all week.
But seriously, folks,
we have to have a critical incident stress debriefing.
Who's gonna lead that?
The designated peer counselor, me.
I find it amazing that you are the station peer counselor.
I find it amazing that I have to remind you
that I am woke AF.
I don't know what that means.
It means I am very in touch with my feelings,
and I'm gonna help everyone else get there too.
Okay, I guess we've come a long way
from the suck-it-up machismo days.
- Yeah. - You know what?
Don't spend too much time on this Lucy thing.
It's not that big of a deal.
I'm gonna take as much time as needed, okay?
It's important for us to talk about this stuff.
Okay. You're right. You're right.
Don't forget about that tetherball pole!
Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for a pap smear
and a mammogram.
It's for me. Lucy McConky.
No. I'm Lucy McConky.
[LAUGHTER]
"I'm Lucifer McConky." [LAUGHTER]
Heads up, everybody.
Because of this morning's accident,
we have to have a critical incident stress debriefing.
So we need to talk to a peer counselor.
It's now S.O.P.
Aw, is it really necessary for this one, though, Chief?
Yeah, I'm the one who got hurt, and I think it's hilarious.
Then all you need to do is talk to the counselor.
Well, who's the peer counselor?
Some touchy-feely dude in a cardigan sweater.
- Guaranteed. - [CHUCKLES]
"I'm Dr. Benjamin Nesmith,
and I'm here to get you in touch with your emotions."
My name is Dr. Leslie Tenderheart,
and we gonna use these two here dolls
to act out our emotions, okay?
I'm the peer counselor.
[LAUGHTER]
That would be amazing.
I don't think you get what the riff is, Cap.
You're supposed to come up with, like, a wimpy name
and a... and a voice.
- You're missing the riff. - I am missing the riff, aren't I?
I got the riff.
But I'm the certified peer counselor for this station.
I am gonna lead the sessions.
I mean, there's no way I can take Captain seriously
as a therapist.
How does this make you feel?
How does this make you feel? Ayy!
Here's your choice.
You can wrap hoses all day
or you can drink coffee and chat with me.
I guess it's Eddie Penisi, Peer Counselor!
Tuesdays at 9:00 on the Discovery Channel.
- Ooh, yes. - That voice is so good!
So how do you guys feel about
what happened this morning?
No? Okay, I'll make it easier.
Just one word.
One word to describe how you felt when Lucy got belted.
- Hungry. - Gassy.
- Badass. - Itchy.
All right. Come on, guys. Let's go. Come on.
No, no. That's okay, Chief.
I used to be like this too. It's part of the process.
Let's just ease into it.
We can talk about whatever's on your minds.
Jeez, I mean, I... I guess can jump in
and say, uh, my parents never bought me
a ten-speed bicycle.
- Oh! - Oh, what a life, Ike!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, that's sad.
I guess I'll also go then. I mean...
I can't eat dessert unless I finish my dinner.
- No! - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
That's getting deep right there!
All right, I got something.
I've never seen "Breaking Bad,"
and I'm afraid that if I watch it now,
it's gonna feel overhyped.
- BOTH: Are you kidding me? - Are you kidding me right now?
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
It is literally the greatest show
in the history of television.
You mean as far as modern television, right?
Don't start with the "Punky Brewster" stuff.
- It still holds up, man! - Andy, "Punky Brewster"
is not better than "Breaking Bad."
Okay, agree to disagree.
Lucy, have you seen "Punky Brewster"?
- No. - You've never seen
- "Punky Brewster"? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
♪♪
Mmm! Wow, Mom!
This buffalo poi is amazing.
You've gotta start selling this stuff.
No way, Jose!
- [RIP] - Oh!
That's a secret family recipe.
So you're gonna find a safer job?
[SCOFFS] What are you talking about, Kailani?
I'm not gonna stop being a firefighter.
Well, if you think we were gonna wax your butt
for your open-casket funeral, then you're mistaken!
Whoa, whoa!
What's going on with you, Kailani?
And why would you think that people would see my naked butt
in an open-casket funeral? [CHUCKLES]
There's something that you need to know, Ka'ponko.
Uh, this morning when we thought
something happened to you,
we realized that it would be a tragedy
if... if you died without knowing the truth.
Wait. What truth?
Uh...
I am not your mother.
Kailani is.
[SCOFFS] Okay, what is this?
"Star Wars"? "I am not your mother."
I had you when I was just 16 years old.
So we decided it would be best if we raised you
thinking she was your mother and I was your sister.
Are you serious?
And the man that you know as Cousin Bill
is actually your father.
That's why he gives you a five dollar bill
in your birthday card every year.
Why did you wait to tell me after the accident?
Well, it was a family secret!
No, no. Buffalo poi is a family secret.
This is something bigger than that.
You just have to get over it, all right?
The sooner we stop talking about this,
the sooner we can move on.
We just started talking about this!
That's just the way it is.
Do not touch me!
Ow, ow, ow!
[RIP]
My asshole...
[ROCK MUSIC]
All right, everybody,
let's take this session very seriously
and not say things we think Eddie wants to hear
because we want to get it over with.
Huh?
Counselor Penisi, take it away.
Great intro, Chief. Thank you very much.
Lucy's accident reminded me
that firefighters are vulnerable.
Anybody else feel that way?
Look, I know we're all a bunch
of tough sons-of-bitches here.
We help people, so we don't need help.
We shouldn't have insecurities.
So let me tell you about my insecurity.
All right, you may not know this,
but I have always been neurotic
about being on the shorter side
by firefighter standards.
- Hey. - Oh, come on.
- You should play basketball. - Yeah, right.
Okay, but when I was starting out,
I wanted to be respected.
Especially 'cause my dad was a hot shot within the department.
I was afraid that a lot of the older guys
were gonna make fun of me for being short.
And truthfully, some of 'em did.
So I...
Made love to a lot of their wives and girlfriends.
And that helped.
That helped a lot, actually.
Now I feel bad about it
because I threw some A game around town.
I gotta tell you, I've never spoken about that, but...
[SIGHS]
It feels really good to get off my chest.
I had a weird dream last night.
Still pretty shaken up about it.
I was on a train.
It was going really fast,
and we were approaching a tunnel.
And just as we were about to enter it,
the train went into reverse,
and it backed out of the tunnel.
And then it lurched itself back into the tunnel.
And it was totally out of control.
It was moving forward and backward.
Forward and backward.
- That's a sex dream. - No, it wasn't.
It was terrifying.
And then to make matters worse,
somebody spilt their milk all over me.
Okay, thank you. Thank you, Granny.
Trains can be scary.
- Um... - Yeah.
As an exotic dancer,
sometimes I feel subjectified.
Objectified.
No, no. Subjectified.
Like I'm just subject to all this constant attention
by beautiful women.
They wanna give me money and, you know,
like, a fur coat or an Xbox.
Why don't you just quit?
'Cause I love the money.
I guess, and the attention.
Like for instance, okay,
the other day, this lady paid me
to paint her daughter's bedroom
wearing nothing but a G-string.
So I did it, and I'm like, "Okay, wait.
Am I a dancer, or am I a painter?"
You know?
Like, I was having an indemnity crisis.
- Identity crisis. - No, indemnity.
Like if I felt like if I did a poor job
painting her bedroom, I'd be held financially responsible.
Okay. Good share, Ike.
Speaking of daughters,
Terry, let's talk about the Lucy incident.
My sister is my mother!
Say again?
After the Lucy incident,
my mother and sister were so worried about me dying
that they confessed that my sister had me
when she was 16,
and they've been pretending that I'm her little brother.
- Whoa. - No, woe is me.
Because my whole childhood is twisted.
Also I just realized that I went to senior prom
with my mom.
And I've been getting my butt waxed this whole time
by my grandmother!
Can we just circle back to the... the prom thing?
Did you say you went to senior prom with your sister?
The worst part about it
is that I can't even talk about it.
They just want me to forget it
and don't make it a big deal.
Hang on, they won't even let you talk about it?
No, Cap!
They just say, "Push it down, Ka'ponko!
Push it down!"
Andy, you need to have it out with them tonight.
- [RIPS] - Ah!
I don't understand why you won't help me process this.
Don't you see how hard this is for me?
This must be your first Brazilian.
Yeah, this patch is way stubborn.
- Ah! - Come on!
When I was 12 years old looking through
the peephole into my sister's room, I was actually
watching my mother hook up with her boyfriend.
You know what, this is hard for me, too, all right?
Yesterday I was a mother, today I'm a grandmother.
I'm too young to be a grandmother!
- [RIPS] - Okay.
Feet, back, nipples done.
Come on!
Sorry for the distractions.
My son was just leaving!
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh! Whew!
Hiya, Myawani. Whew!
You mom-sister and grandma-mom
give good wax.
And great family drama.
Better than the soap operas
I watch at home with my mother.
See you girls next month.
I have no mother.
I have no grandma either.
Wha... [SCOFFS]
- Do a cow. - Moo!
[LAUGHTER]
- Do a frog. - Ribbit! Ribbit!
Oh, a gorilla, a gorilla! Do a gorilla!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
[LAUGHTER]
[COUGHING]
Hey, Chief, we still going
furniture shopping together this weekend?
Uh, my weekend's starting to fill up a little bit.
I got some things with your sisters I've gotta do...
What? We made plans.
And I thought we could go do karaoke afterwards.
Is your voice getting lower?
Yeah, I told you it was gonna get worse before it got better.
[GRUNTING, COUGHING]
You hear that? I just...
I think I just heard
some pizza rolls in the microwave.
The one in my office.
Uh, I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna grab them.
I'll be right back.
We have pizza rolls?
Hey, Chief, bring some back!
Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Hang on.
I'd love it if you'd share today.
Why? I wasn't even at the accident.
The accident involved your daughter.
- I'm fine, Eddie. - I know. I know.
Sometimes there's things hiding inside
that we don't know about
that come out when we talk about them.
You want me to share right now?
Is that what you want? Huh?
Okay. [MOCKS CRYING]
I can't believe you haven't ordered the tetherball pole!
[MOCKS CRYING] Is that what you want?
- For me to cry? - Terry, please.
- I've seen you cry a million times. - Bullshit!
You cried when Ichiro retired.
- Prove it. - I have it on video.
You're lucky I'm even sitting in on those sessions.
Why don't you go use your Oprah routine with Andy?
Focus on people with real problems,
'cause I don't have any.
Okay.
Okay, gang,
we're gonna try something a little different today.
We're gonna do some roleplaying.
- Ooh. - Kinky.
And I brought some special guests.
Ladies, come on in.
Whoa. Super kinky.
Hey, what is this?
Don't worry. You don't have to do anything.
I just want you to watch, okay?
Come on. Guys, come on up here.
Ladies, go have a seat.
- Okay, Ikie. - Yeah.
- You are gonna play Kailani. - Oh, cool!
[MIMICS GUNS SHOOTING]
Granny, you're gonna play grandma.
It is such an honor.
Andy, you're gonna be you, okay?
Now you can say what you want to say.
Uh, should we do the accents, or is that problematic?
Your choice.
We weren't sure.
I don't think this is gonna end well.
You've hurt me on so many levels.
One, that you've kept it from me.
And two, that we can't even talk about it.
[JAMAICAN ACCENT] Don't worry about it, brah!
What's your favorite wax technique?
[JAMAICAN ACCENT] Up and down, side to side.
- It don't matter. - Wrong.
You apply the wax in the direction the hair grows,
then you pull bottom to top.
- Get it right! - Okay.
Keep going. Keep going.
I feel like I've missed out on having a real relationship
with you, Mom.
Stuff it down, man!
Push it down, Ka'ponko!
Me never chat with you about this!
That's a terrible Hawaiian accent.
You sound Jamaican, you racist.
Wait, whoa! I'm not racist!
- Says you! - I am not racist.
Guys, stand closer. Where you going?
Keep going. Keep going.
I'm not racist.
Why can't we talk about this?
We're family.
No time to talk. Have to wax a sensitive area.
[IRISH ACCENT] That's right. And I've got to wax
a little soul patch into me customer.
Enough, okay?
I did not close down shop
during lunch rush
to watch amateur improv.
Let's go, Kailani.
Wait. M...
You okay, buddy?
Actually, I feel fantastic.
Like it or not, they heard what I had to say.
- Awesome. - Okay.
Chief and Lucy, your turn.
- Sweet! - Uh, no thanks.
It really hurts me that you can't stand
- the sound of my voice. - What are you talking about?
I love your voice; you sound like the guy who used to host
Soul Train... Granny, what was that guy's name?
Why would I know the name of the guy who hosted Soul Train?
Oh! [CHUCKLES] Right.
Oh, it's 'cause I dream about trains?
That's it. You're the train guy.
Let's switch it up.
Lucy, you be Chief. Chief, you be Lucy.
Lucy, start it off.
Okay, um...
Don't interrupt! I know everything!
I'm the chief, and I'm your dad!
And the answer is no!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, that's your imitation of me?
- That's it, huh? - Mm-hmm.
I can play this game too.
I can do this. All right.
Hey, my name's Lucy,
and I'm the reckless probie
who doesn't care how our actions affect other people!
Maybe I should find a safer job like accounting!
- That was awesome. - Yeah, good impression, Chief.
- [BUZZER BLARES] - DISPATCHER: Station 24.
Man on a ledge. 1113 Harrison Avenue.
All right, this is bullshit.
Do you even know what you're doing?
- Yes, I do. - Then what does Andy's mom
and sister have to do with Lucy's accident?
Lucy's accident is what made Andy's
mom and grandma tell him the truth.
All right, you know what? We're done with this.
No, we're done when I say we're done.
No, we're done now!
No, we're done when I say we're done.
- Where are you going? - I'm going on a call.
- Well, so am I! - Oh, you're coming?
- Yeah, I'm coming! - About time!
Just leave me alone, please!
Can you please let a man die in peace?
Leave me alone! I'm gonna jump!
I'm gonna do it! I swear!
Go away! Leave me alone, okay?
Car one on the scene. Car one in command.
Go away! Leave me alone, okay?
Get out of here! Please!
Go away!
Hey, folks, I need you to step back!
- [SIGHS] - Leave me alone!
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] - Who's going up there?
I am, obviously. I'm the most qualified.
Hold on a second.
I've talked to a few jumpers in my day.
- Okay, so you go. - You want me to?
Yeah, if you're so good at it, you go.
Fine. I will go.
Okay, stop chattering and start laddering.
- I'm in charge here! - Good.
- Stop looking at me! - Be safe, Chief.
Stop telling me what to do.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Get off of that thing, man!
Stay away, man!
I'm not kidding! Back off, man!
Stay away, man! I'm gonna jump!
- I just wanna talk. - Okay, well, I don't!
- I wanna be alone. - I get it.
I'm the strong, silent type too.
Oh, yeah? Like Ryan Gosling?
- I don't know who that is. - What?
It's America's handsome boy, man!
- Come on. "La La Land"? - Never heard of it.
You never heard of "La La Land"?
- What about "The Notebook"? - You're losing me now.
It's a masterpiece, sir!
- I'm more of a Stallone guy. - Who?
How do you not know who Stallone is?
How do you not know who Ryan Gosling is?
I feel like we're not connecting here.
No, we're not, okay? Just go away, please!
You're pissing me off, man!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You married?
My wife ran off with my business partner
after embezzling a million dollars
from my frozen yogurt franchise.
Hence the roof!
Okay.
I like frozen yogurt more than I thought I would.
Cool!
[SIGHS] You got kids?
- I got three boys. - Hey, I got three girls.
You know, they say boys are made
when the wife has an orgasm during conception, so...
People have told me that. It's not true.
- It's true. - It's not true.
- Google it! - There's no evidence.
You could Bing it too. Same results.
There's no proof of that fact.
I proved it three times.
All right, regardless, okay, we both got kids.
Matter of fact, that's my oldest right down there.
The firefighter on the end.
You ever worried she'll get hurt on the job?
Every day.
Matter of fact, she just got hit in the throat.
Now she sounds like an old timey jazz singer.
Hey, I need you guys back behind the car!
Wow. Like Morgan Freeman.
Just every time I hear it, it reminds me that
if she hadn't followed in my footsteps,
she wouldn't be in harm's way.
Hey, we can't protect our kids forever, man.
I just don't wanna feel afraid and guilty
for as long as she's a firefighter.
We all feel that way about our kids.
It's normal.
You should talk to somebody about it before you end up,
you know, taking a dive off of a Bordstrom.
- You sound like Eddie. - Eddie sounds woke AF.
I'm not gonna tell him that.
Gosh, your depression is making me feel better
about my problems. [CHUCKLES]
Who would've thought that? [LAUGHS]
I was just about to jump off a building.
Now I'm laughing. [LAUGHING]
Thank you, man. Hey, can I get a hug?
- I don't think that's a good idea. - Come on, man. Please?
- Let me just get you down safely. - I feel like we connected there.
- Come on! Bring it in! - Just hold on. Let's not...
- Get in here. I need it, man. - No, don't...
- Hey, hey! - [YELLS]
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS]
ALL: Oh!
Whoo! Whee!
That was amazing!
Hey, your team really knows how to talk a guy down.
Free yogurt for everybody!
[SIGHS] Oh, oh!
I'm sorry.
I love you. I was wrong.
- And I love your voice. - Thanks, Dad.
Chief, you forgot to secure your safety belt.
Yeah, well, too bad. We're having a moment here.
But we're gonna have a safety belt refresher course.
- We'll talk about it later. - Okay.
- My daughter. - By the way,
you got 10s across the board for your dive.
Thank you!
Ka'ponko! Oh, my goodness!
Thank God you're okay!
Hey, hey! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
Hey! I'm okay!
The Nextdoor app said there was a guy
who was gonna jump off a building.
We figured it was you because you're such an emotional mess!
I have every right to be a mess.
- I know. - You do?
Yeah, I was talking to my 2:00 about it,
and she told me I was being a crazy person.
She was right. I was wrong, all right?
We can work through this together!
Aww!
Oh, hi, Andy's mom. Hi, Andy's grandma.
Is Ike still single?
- I think so. - Sweet.
- I could hit that. - Eww.
[SOFT R&B MUSIC]
♪ I wanna tell you, baby ♪
♪ What you meant to me ♪
♪ All those good times we shared ♪
♪ All the love that we have for each other ♪
Okay. Come on, Luce.
Rubber match! Let's go!
[SIGHS, REGULAR VOICE] Man.
I really miss my old voice.
I was the talk of the karaoke circuit.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[YELLS]
[VOICE DEEPENS]
You okay?
[DEEP VOICE] Chief.
You are my father!
[LAUGHTER]
That's awesome.
It's funny 'cause it's true.