1 00:00:01,392 --> 00:00:02,828 - Tacoma Fire Department. Anybody in here? 2 00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:04,352 [intense music] 3 00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:06,919 Hello? Who's in here? 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,443 - What in the hell is this? 5 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,053 - I don't know. I can't see anything. 6 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,098 [siren blares, upbeat dance music plays] 7 00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:12,360 - I hope you bitches brought 8 00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:14,057 more Jell-O shots. 9 00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:15,450 [laughter, cheering] 10 00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:16,886 - Ma'am, what's the smoke from? 11 00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:18,627 - I think found the culprit. 12 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,324 These penis cookies were left in the oven too long. 13 00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,935 - There's no such thing as too long. 14 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,112 [laughter and cheering] 15 00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:26,504 - All right, let's air this place out. 16 00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,898 - I got this one, Cap. 17 00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:30,508 - Okay. - Hello. 18 00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,554 Are you my stripper? 19 00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:34,599 - I prefer the term "exotic dancer." 20 00:00:34,686 --> 00:00:35,948 - Hey, Ike, I think she thinks-- 21 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,603 - Start dancing exotically. 22 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,736 [laughter and screaming] 23 00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,346 - I am on the job right now. 24 00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:45,610 - You're here for a job. A very hot job. 25 00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,134 [laughter and screaming] 26 00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:48,787 - I tell ya, not only is this job hot, 27 00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:51,486 it is scorching at times. 28 00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:52,791 [all screaming] Yeah, I know. 29 00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,228 - What are the rules? 30 00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,404 Do we get a little peek of the equipment? 31 00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:57,883 [laughs] [all screaming] 32 00:00:57,970 --> 00:00:59,624 - Well, all right. I'll tell you what. 33 00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:00,886 You can play with the hose. 34 00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,279 [all cheering and screaming] 35 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:03,759 You can all play with the hose! Why not? 36 00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:04,890 [all screaming] 37 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,675 Oh, whoa, whoa! 38 00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,938 - Ike, they think you're here to strip for 'em, now. 39 00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,548 [laughter] 40 00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,159 - [laughs] 41 00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,030 Yeah, I know! Hello? 42 00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,162 I was kidding! 43 00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:16,685 God, take a joke, guys! 44 00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:17,903 I'm not an idiot, okay? 45 00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,644 Oh, great. 46 00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,255 You know what, officer? It's fine. 47 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,126 It was a misunderstanding. No need to press charges. 48 00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:24,606 [all cheering] 49 00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:29,132 [laughter] 50 00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:30,220 All right, guys, let's roll out. 51 00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:31,569 Let's roll out. 52 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,441 - Hey, congrats again. 53 00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:36,444 [rock music] 54 00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:41,405 ♪ ♪ 55 00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:42,928 - ♪ The fire's out ♪ 56 00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:46,018 ♪ Now you wanna be ♪ 57 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,239 ♪ Where the laughs are free ♪ 58 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,767 - Check it out. 59 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,987 Got my results from that DNA ancestry company. 60 00:01:58,074 --> 00:01:59,293 - 22 and You. 61 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:00,511 I've actually been meaning to do that. 62 00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:01,686 - You'll never believe this. 63 00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:02,861 I'm 12% Jewish. - What? 64 00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,254 - Really? - Get out of here. 65 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,908 - This is going to change everything. 66 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,692 - We should all take these DNA tests. 67 00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:08,780 I've been telling women for years 68 00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:09,912 I'm related to Joe Pesci. 69 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:10,956 It's time I finally got proof. 70 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:11,957 [laughter] 71 00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:13,394 - Hey, you know what? 72 00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:14,960 I got some extra swabs. You all wanna do it? 73 00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,484 - I'll try it. - Yep. 74 00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,007 - Oh, that'd be awesome. - We got one for you. 75 00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:19,530 - Thank you. - One for you, one for you. 76 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:20,879 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ike. - No, no, no, no, no! 77 00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:22,098 - Not like that, man. [laughter] 78 00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:23,926 - It's up here. Up here. - I know. 79 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,232 Why do you guys always take me so seriously all the time? 80 00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:26,711 - Try this one. 81 00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,278 - I was kidding. - I know you were. 82 00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,802 - I know how to do it. - Yeah. 83 00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,587 - Great, yeah. - Put it in there. Put it in. 84 00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:36,460 Get that to the lab, stat. - Okay. 85 00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,636 - Hey, guys, I think us laughing at Ike all the time 86 00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,029 makes him feel dumb, 87 00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:41,552 like with the bachelorette party. 88 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:42,945 - He's not dumb. 89 00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:44,686 He just sometimes says dumb things. 90 00:02:44,773 --> 00:02:46,296 - You know what, next time he says something dumb, 91 00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:47,819 I'm gonna say something dumber, you know, 92 00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:48,907 just to take the heat off. 93 00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,474 - Ah, you better not do that 94 00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:51,780 'cause then people will think you're dumb. 95 00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:52,998 - Me? Nah. 96 00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,261 - Hey, Cap, you wanna go see 97 00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:55,610 if Chief wants to inspect his genes? 98 00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:56,698 - I've already inspected his jeans. 99 00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:57,960 They are consistently saggy 100 00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,091 and halfway down his ass. 101 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,658 - Oh! - [laughs] 102 00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,573 That little tuchus reminds me of two matzo balls. 103 00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,532 [laughs] - Very funny, guys. 104 00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,580 - Hey. What's up, guys? - What's with the tweed? 105 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,278 Trying on a new character for the strip joint? 106 00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:12,975 [laughs] Professor Pecs. 107 00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,237 [both laugh] 108 00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,021 I like it. - Hey. 109 00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:17,458 Cool turtleneck, dude. - Thanks, man. 110 00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:18,807 - Looks like the one I just got my mom. 111 00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,374 - Hey, I wanted to tell you 112 00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,114 I had this crazy dream about you last night 113 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,769 and I feel like I just need to, like, process it, you know? 114 00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:25,988 - Okay. Yeah, sure. 115 00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,032 - Like, we were hanging out, 116 00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:28,338 eating cheeseburgers together. 117 00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:29,905 - Oh, well, I am flattered. [laughs] 118 00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,167 - You noticed that I had some, like, mustard 119 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,429 at the corner of my mouth. 120 00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:33,430 - Uh-oh. - You know what I mean? 121 00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:34,779 - Yeah. 122 00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:36,433 - You, like, reached out to wipe it off, 123 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,088 but the way you did it was, like, super, like, tender. 124 00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:41,743 Then, you came over and you sat on my lap for some reason 125 00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:45,007 and I was like, "Ooh, I think I know where this is going." 126 00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:47,009 - Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. 127 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,881 I'm feeling very uncomfortable in the workplace right now. 128 00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,361 - I think the only way to get over this 129 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:52,841 is if we just hug it out. 130 00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:54,408 - I don't think that's the way. - Kay? 131 00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:55,757 Come here. 132 00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,367 Come here. - What are you doing? 133 00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:58,629 - Come on. We basically share a bed, bro. 134 00:03:58,716 --> 00:03:59,717 - Wait, wait, wait! - [laughs] 135 00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,153 - What are you--wait--Mike! 136 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,590 - [laughs] - You son of a bitch! 137 00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,505 - Ike has a twin? - Took you forever! 138 00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,115 - Holy shit. 139 00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:07,551 - Should've seen the look on your face, Myawani. 140 00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,640 [both groan] You're such an idiot. 141 00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:11,338 - Lucy, that's my brother Mike. 142 00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:12,904 Mike's a professor up at Seattle State. 143 00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:14,428 - That's the last time I'm gonna fall 144 00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:15,733 for that whole sexual harassment routine. 145 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,300 - [laughs mockingly] Is it, Andy? 146 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,041 I don't think so. - That's not even my laugh. 147 00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,172 - 'Sup, Ikey? How are you? 148 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,913 - Hey, Mike. You're here. 149 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,263 - You guys not gonna hug? 150 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,699 - Nah. We're not really huggers. 151 00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:26,440 - Yeah, these guys don't even shake hands. 152 00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:28,746 - We like to stay inside our own quadrants, you know? 153 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,487 Isn't that right, Ike? - Yeah. [laughs] 154 00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,272 - We have quadrants and we just stick to them. 155 00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,230 - Seems kinda like a cop-out, but whatever. 156 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:35,710 - Oh, man! It's so good to see you. 157 00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:36,972 What have you been up to? - Not much. 158 00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:38,495 Just published a paper 159 00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:40,062 on the moral significance of conscience. 160 00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:42,369 It's, uh-- don't worry about it. 161 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,588 - That sounds cool. I've been pretty busy too. 162 00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,547 I just debuted a new dance routine 163 00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:48,113 set to "Wet the Bed" by Ludacris. 164 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,594 It's like-- it's pretty tricky. 165 00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,509 - That's great. You're a real artiste. 166 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:55,033 - Mike, you know I don't speak French. 167 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,644 - Yeah, Mike. 168 00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:58,472 It's actually pronounced "artist-eh." 169 00:04:58,559 --> 00:04:59,647 - Are you being serious right now? 170 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,257 - [laughs] Yeah, come on. 171 00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,954 I mean, it happens, Andy. 172 00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:04,478 - Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. 173 00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,262 - Ikey, uh, 174 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:07,829 can I talk to you in private for a second, pal? 175 00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,396 - Yeah, of course. Sorry, guys. 176 00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:10,962 Yeah, we can-- 177 00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:14,314 - Did you see how far up my butt his hand was? 178 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,402 ♪ ♪ 179 00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:16,533 - All right, now, you gotta 180 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:17,926 get around good in there, man. 181 00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:19,275 You get all the DNA on that swab. 182 00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:20,711 - Man, I would hate to be that swab. 183 00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,409 That poor little swab woke up this morning 184 00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,932 and was like, "It's gonna be a good day." 185 00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,455 - I'm warning you, this thing might come back 186 00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:26,630 with high levels of pastrami. 187 00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,023 [both laugh] 188 00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:28,980 - Guys, how did I not know 189 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,286 that Ike has a twin? 190 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,722 - Oh, no. Mike is here? 191 00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,420 That guy is such a tool. 192 00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:34,682 - Yeah, and he put his finger in my butt again. 193 00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,336 - Blech. - It's weird. 194 00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:37,989 They're identical but they seem so different. 195 00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:40,122 I mean, clearly, Mike is super switched on 196 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:43,081 and Ike is--well, you know. - Hey. 197 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,692 - It's not surprising when you know the science. 198 00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:46,302 When they were infants, 199 00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:48,391 Mike obviously gravitated toward the smart teat, 200 00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:51,133 whereas Ike was relegated to the dumb teat. 201 00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,004 It was up to their mother to rotate the breasts, 202 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,963 but she obviously fell down on the job. 203 00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,312 - Are we really doing this again? 204 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,053 That is not how biology works. 205 00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,924 - I wouldn't expect you to understand this, pumpkin. 206 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:01,535 No offense, but you favored the dumb teat too. 207 00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,232 - Oh! - Damn! 208 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,408 - No, I didn't. - I feel bad for Ike. 209 00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:06,801 He was already feeling insecure 210 00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:08,368 and then his asshole brother shows up. 211 00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,065 - That guy always treats Ike like crap. 212 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,240 - How so? 213 00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,328 [siren wailing] - Oof. 214 00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:14,112 75 in a school zone, huh? 215 00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:16,027 You're gonna wanna see my ID, I suppose? 216 00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,289 Name's Ike Crystal. 217 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,030 [goofy voice] I'm a fireman. 218 00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:21,293 - You're too sick to go to my sister's wedding. 219 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,991 - I'm sorry. 220 00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,819 - You weren't too sick last night for a booty call. 221 00:06:24,906 --> 00:06:26,211 I let you do butt stuff! 222 00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:27,691 - No, you--you didn't. 223 00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,214 What-- - Ike! 224 00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,607 She gone? - Yeah. 225 00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:33,131 - She is a beast in the sack, bro. 226 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,177 [hard rock music] 227 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:36,613 Hey, frosted tips. You want a spot? 228 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,354 - No. 229 00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:39,964 - [grunts] - Mike, don't! 230 00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,097 - Did you feed Patches? - Don't! I can't lift it! 231 00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:44,708 Come on, Mike! - Feed the cats! 232 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,321 - Don't, don't, don't! 233 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,019 Open it! - Aw, it's locked. 234 00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,890 Don't you dare. You know I feel it too, Ike. 235 00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:54,414 - Open it then. - Don't. 236 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,676 Don't punch yourself in the nuts. 237 00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,199 - [groans] - [laughs] 238 00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:59,070 You're such an idiot. 239 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:00,507 - And the worst part? 240 00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:01,638 Ike is the only one who doesn't see 241 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:02,770 what a dick his brother is. 242 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,206 - Why is Mike such a dick? 243 00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:05,816 - Mean teat, nice teat? 244 00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:07,339 - [scoffs] - Mm, I don't think so. 245 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,646 - Regardless, he always has a sketchy angle, 246 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,082 so we should watch out for Ike. 247 00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,344 - Good point. 248 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,302 All right, back to work, everybody. 249 00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,477 Let's go. 250 00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:15,565 - [speaking gibberish] 251 00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:18,438 - [speaking gibberish] 252 00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:21,745 - [speaking gibberish] 253 00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:23,486 [both laugh] - I don't know. 254 00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,357 Tweaky, I guess? - [laughs] 255 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,360 - It's so cool we still know our own twin language. 256 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,405 - Look at us, huh? 257 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,798 Both took different paths, 258 00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:32,930 but both very successful in our own fields. 259 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,237 - That is true. - You're doing great, man. 260 00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:37,457 I mean, you're not married or tenured like I am, 261 00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:41,330 but you got a shared bunk, decent pension I'm assuming, 262 00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:43,375 and your landlord lets you pay your rent in singles. 263 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,855 - Is this still a compliment 'cause-- 264 00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:45,900 - Yeah, it started out that way. 265 00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,467 Then it got a little truthy. 266 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,470 Point is you've got some things that I don't have. 267 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:51,645 - Seriously? 268 00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,429 - And like a good brother, 269 00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:57,302 you're always willing to share what you do have 270 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,303 with me. 271 00:07:58,390 --> 00:07:59,391 - [sighs] 272 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,741 Mike, you're not gonna ask 273 00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,003 to borrow my license again, are you? 274 00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,221 I owe so much money. 275 00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,876 - No, Ike. I need something else. 276 00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,530 I want your sperm. 277 00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:09,358 - Ah! [laughs] 278 00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,968 Hey, if I had a nickel 279 00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,014 for every time a girl asked me for my sperm, 280 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:14,537 I'd have a big bag of sperm-- 281 00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,453 I mean, I'd have-- I'd be rich! 282 00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:20,412 - Susan and I are having trouble conceiving a baby, Ike. 283 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,762 - She's infertile? 284 00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,415 - Well, that would mean-- 285 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,330 yeah, you nailed it, Ike. 286 00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:28,072 So, Ike Bartholomew Crystal, 287 00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,857 wanna help your brother have a baby? 288 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,511 - This is a gigantic decision. 289 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,164 - Yeah, it is. 290 00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:34,818 - [grunts] - Careful on that knuckle, pal. 291 00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,124 I can feel that too, remember? 292 00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:37,691 - Oh, yeah. Sorry. 293 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,478 - All right, mishpachah. 294 00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,959 Time to get in touch with your roots. 295 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,876 And then afterwards, babka! 296 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,268 - Oh, look at this. 22 and You. 297 00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:51,313 I love it. Kaponko. 298 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,662 - Is this the DNA thing? 299 00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,316 - Yeah, Terry. - That's exciting. 300 00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:55,404 - This is so fun. - Cool. 301 00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:56,753 - Oh, I knew it. 302 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,146 [Irish accent] Irish to me bones! 303 00:08:58,233 --> 00:08:59,669 - Look, that is the genetic marker 304 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,279 for the abnormally long ass crack. 305 00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,411 - Okay, the length of my ass crack 306 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:03,847 is well within normal range. 307 00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,196 - And there's the genetic marker 308 00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:06,371 for Asymmetrowobblosis. 309 00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,286 - What's that? 310 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:09,810 - That's the condition that causes 90% of your body weight 311 00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,768 to settle above your belly button. 312 00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:13,901 - And if it's left untreated, it leads to topple-over-itis. 313 00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,467 - Which, in turn, can lead to help-I've-fallen- 314 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,468 and-I-can't-get-up-isis. 315 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,427 [laughter] 316 00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:19,907 - It says here my genetic traits are low testosterone, 317 00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:22,387 wet mouth, clammy hands, and sensitive teeth. 318 00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,998 - I'm glad I don't have those traits. 319 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,000 - It also says that Lucy and I are descendants 320 00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,262 of Genghis Khan. 321 00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:28,959 - Hey, me too. - Me too. 322 00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,265 Everybody's related to Genghis Khan. 323 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,919 - I am not. 324 00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,573 It says here that I'm related to Chaka Khan. 325 00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:34,922 - Oh. - Huh. 326 00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:37,315 Says here that 90% of my inherited traits 327 00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,230 come from the Penisi side and not the McConky. 328 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:40,884 - You have a lot of McConky in you. 329 00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,146 Give me that thing. - You wanna see my stats? 330 00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:44,584 - Yeah, come on. - All right. 331 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,281 - This can't be right. - Sorry, Chiefy. 332 00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:47,499 She's a Penisi through and through. 333 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,675 - Penisis are cool. 334 00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,764 - Whatever. Gimme some babka. 335 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,287 [grunting] Okay. 336 00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:53,723 Looks good, Granny. 337 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,856 Mmm. Oh, mmm. 338 00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,727 Oh, my God. Ow! Oh, my teeth! 339 00:09:57,814 --> 00:10:00,600 - Penisis do not have sensitive teeth. 340 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,471 [moaning] - [laughs] 341 00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:03,603 - No. I don't like this one bit. 342 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,169 You are not like him. 343 00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,258 [grunting] 344 00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:08,738 Ow! Jesus! 345 00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:09,913 [groans] 346 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:10,958 Where's my toothpaste? 347 00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:12,263 - Why would you do that? 348 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,092 - Why does it say I'm 6% Toblerone? 349 00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:16,964 - Ooh. - Not true. 350 00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:19,575 The aroma of Tacoma comes from the old pulp and paper mill. 351 00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:20,837 - You're wrong. Egg farms. 352 00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:21,925 That's where the aroma comes from. 353 00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:23,623 - This is it on Checkipedia. 354 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:25,189 So it's offish. - Checkipedia. 355 00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:27,017 - Yeah, that's wrong. - What? 356 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,497 - It's in writing. - It's in digital writing. 357 00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:29,585 - Ike, Ike, that's still charged. 358 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:30,586 - [groans] - Whoa. 359 00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:31,805 - Oh, my God! 360 00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,763 - Ay, caramba! 361 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,156 [groans] 362 00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,157 - Are you okay? 363 00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,506 - Yeah. Sorry, guys. 364 00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,421 I've just been really preoccupied lately. 365 00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,466 Mike asked me for my sperm for a baby. 366 00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:42,729 - What? 367 00:10:42,816 --> 00:10:43,817 After the shitty way he's treated you 368 00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,035 all these years? 369 00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,080 - Cap, he doesn't treat me shitty. 370 00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,168 You have to understand. 371 00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,604 Guys, he's my brother. 372 00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,127 That's brother stuff. 373 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:52,521 He could've asked anyone for sperm for his baby. 374 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:54,218 You know who he asked? 375 00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,743 Me. His identical twin. 376 00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,614 - Yeah, you should be flattered. 377 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,355 - I know, right? 378 00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:01,878 I feel like it could really just bring us closer together, 379 00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,358 you know, like, as brothers. 380 00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:05,490 And plus, I gotta say, it would be pretty sweet 381 00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,057 to have sex with his wife. 382 00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,842 - I don't think that's a part of the deal. 383 00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:11,409 - Because she's infertile. - I said the same thing. 384 00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:12,933 - Ike, you do not want the child of your seed 385 00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,717 being raised by that bullying prick. 386 00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,023 - [laughs] 387 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,938 Cap, he's not a bully. 388 00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:20,201 He's not a prick either. He's my brother. 389 00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:22,812 And what-- [chokes] 390 00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:25,423 - 'Sup, you big spaz? - Ah, Mike, I knew it was you! 391 00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:28,165 [wheezes] We always do this. 392 00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:29,427 I'll flip you. 393 00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:30,951 - Let's go talk turkey...baster. 394 00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,169 - [groans] - [laughs] 395 00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:33,301 - Ah, Mike, you're so strong! 396 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,389 - You even get that, Ike? 397 00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:36,913 You get that joke? 398 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,001 Ooh! 399 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,437 Pah! Come on, get up, pal. 400 00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:41,178 We gotta get this insemination thing going. 401 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,658 - That was awesome. 402 00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:43,877 - What do you say I take you out for ice cream 403 00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:44,878 and then you can jerk off in a cup? 404 00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:46,575 - To tell you the truth, 405 00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,272 I haven't really made my mind up about that yet. 406 00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:51,406 - Ike, this'll bring us closer as brothers. 407 00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:52,755 - Okay, all right. I'll do it. 408 00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:55,366 - [laughs] There you go! All right! 409 00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,673 - Hey, but first, two scoops of Rocky Road 410 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,109 with sprinkles! 411 00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,328 - You betcha. 412 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,069 Rocky Road followed by Rocky Load. 413 00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:04,462 - Oh, Rocky Road... 414 00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,987 with--oh-- 415 00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:09,032 - Nut, man. Any kind of nut. 416 00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,207 - Oh, man. 417 00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:11,295 Orange sherbet 418 00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:13,341 and sugar and sperm. 419 00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:15,125 - Sugar and sperm? Oh, man. 420 00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:18,172 I forgot you can't do puns. [laughs] 421 00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:20,174 I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ike's cream. 422 00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:22,437 [all scoff] - Dang, that was funny. 423 00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:24,004 - Come on, buddy. 424 00:12:24,091 --> 00:12:26,310 - Sugar and sperm? Really, Ike? 425 00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:27,703 ♪ ♪ 426 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:30,010 - Mm. Fast metabolism. 427 00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:31,838 You know that's Penisi DNA. 428 00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,317 You're welcome. 429 00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,579 Regular sized cranium. 430 00:12:34,666 --> 00:12:36,146 - No McConky ham head for me. 431 00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,408 - You're welcome. 432 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:38,888 The gene for actually having a neck. 433 00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,237 You're welcome. 434 00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,109 Kid, you're a Penisi through and through. 435 00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:43,545 [echoing] Penisi through and through. 436 00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:44,894 Penisi through and through. 437 00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,374 - But so anyways, 438 00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:47,984 the pregnancy results came back negative, 439 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:50,944 so I celebrated and I went out to the track. 440 00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:53,947 I ended up hooking up with this 19-year-old jockey. 441 00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,166 He was short, but he knew how to ride. 442 00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:58,516 [distorted laugh] 443 00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:00,388 [distorted] Oh, he knew how to ride! 444 00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:01,824 [both laugh evilly] 445 00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,608 I'm so lonely. 446 00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:06,046 [both laugh] Ah, this is a cry for help. 447 00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,482 [distorted laughter] 448 00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:08,831 - Hey, Chief. - [yelps] 449 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,180 - Wanna try some kishke with me? 450 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,660 - Okay. 451 00:13:11,747 --> 00:13:13,096 - It's matzo stuffed in cow intestine. 452 00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,795 Granny, come here, come here. 453 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,145 Listen, you're a man of science, right? 454 00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:20,321 Why is it that Lucy has none of my DNA 455 00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:21,539 and all of Eddie's DNA? 456 00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,367 - She has your DNA too. 457 00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:25,979 It's just that the Penisi gene is dominant. 458 00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:27,894 - Eddie is shallow and conceited 459 00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:29,591 and he can't hold a relationship 460 00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:32,028 and I don't want my daughter growing up to be like him. 461 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:35,205 - What makes us who we are is not so simple, Chief. 462 00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:36,337 I mean, look at me. 463 00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,773 I'm a member of the 12 tribes. 464 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,775 [laughs] 465 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,473 - Look, look, my kids are my legacy, okay? 466 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,171 And if they don't carry my traits, 467 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,347 when I'm gone, I cease to exist. 468 00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,480 - Then I suggest you bring out your traits 469 00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,700 and show her the good things about being a McConky. 470 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:52,744 Huh? 471 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,616 Now, open. 472 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,487 - Oh, okay. - [laughs] 473 00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:57,924 Mazel. 474 00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:00,274 - [grunting] 475 00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:02,450 What the hell is this? 476 00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:05,105 This album is full of your McConky ancestors 477 00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:06,541 and their amazing accomplishments, 478 00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,586 or as I like to call them, McConk-lishments. 479 00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,240 [both laugh] - Good one, Dad. 480 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,720 You know, I actually have some work to do, 481 00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:12,895 but this looks really-- 482 00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,505 - Okay. All right. Great. 483 00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,246 This here is Seamus McConky, your great-grandfather. 484 00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:19,032 He was a successful fishmonger in Cork, Ireland. 485 00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:21,208 Also known to be extremely sturdy. 486 00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:22,731 - Hmm. - Look, that's your face. 487 00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,037 - I'm not seeing it. - Right in the eyes? 488 00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:26,430 - Nah. - Oh, okay. 489 00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,345 He too had a daughter named Lucille. 490 00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:29,607 - I'm not a Lucille. 491 00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:31,348 - This is Cormac McConky, 492 00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,220 famous for eating the last potato 493 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,308 before the great potato famine. 494 00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,397 Legend has it, that potato? 495 00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:37,877 [Irish accent] It was au gratin. 496 00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:39,269 - You know, Dad, you don't have to do this. 497 00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,228 - Aw, a little father-daughter time. 498 00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,404 How adorable. - Hey, Mom. What's up? 499 00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,188 - Just swinging by. I'm on my way to the hospital. 500 00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,320 What is this about? 501 00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:47,974 - Everyone here did DNA tests 502 00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:49,540 and Dad's a little freaked out about my Penisi DNA, 503 00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:51,064 so he's trying to impress me 504 00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:53,414 with the McConky clan of McConky. 505 00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,198 - Her results were a little alarming. 506 00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,374 - Alarming? How? 507 00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,463 - There was a lot of Penisi DNA 508 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,509 and Eddie's been rubbing my nose in it. 509 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,598 - Yeah, that's my DNA. 510 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:05,382 The good stuff? [laughs] 511 00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:09,691 It's the gene for caring, patience, intelligence. 512 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,867 Those the traits you're concerned about? 513 00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,434 - I was not talking about that. 514 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,783 - He's talking about Uncle Eddie. 515 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,480 - I'm sorry, am I missing something? 516 00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,091 Did you somehow, what, fertilize Eddie's egg? 517 00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:21,224 - Course not, but sometimes, I see his eyes 518 00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,618 when I make love to you. 519 00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:25,402 - Oh, my gosh, Dad. 520 00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,143 - Holy hell. - [gags] 521 00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:28,492 Dad, you shouldn't have said that. 522 00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:29,667 - It's her brother. 523 00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,713 - Hoo! All right. 524 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,715 I hope that you don't ever think 525 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,717 that we're gonna have sex again 526 00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:39,764 because I can't believe you just said that. 527 00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:41,070 Lucy, come on. 528 00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,419 - She's supposed to stay here with me. 529 00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:43,855 - And hear about Uncle Eddie's eyes? 530 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,640 I don't think so. - Wait, I'm the chief! 531 00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,555 - And I am her mother. 532 00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:50,079 - Okay. 533 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,864 - [whispering] Penisi genes. 534 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,346 - [laughing] 535 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,913 - What are you doing? 536 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,567 - I'm trying to figure out what holidays I get off 537 00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:00,524 now that I'm Jewish. 538 00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:01,961 It's amazing! 539 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,180 Look, they got Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, 540 00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,877 Passover, Hanukkah. 541 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,923 - Okay, I think there's more to being Jewish 542 00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,448 than just counting holidays and trying new foods. 543 00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:13,494 - [laughs] Okay. 544 00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:16,627 - I'm sure there's something deeper... 545 00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:19,891 to it inside things... 546 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,502 - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, no. 547 00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:23,156 I'm just saying that, you know, 548 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:26,942 maybe some of these DAN tests are just wrong. 549 00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,162 - You don't have to pretend to be dumb when Ike's not here. 550 00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,946 - I'm not! [gasps] 551 00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,817 You think it's stuck? - That's medically impossible. 552 00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:36,038 - What if this is permanent? [gasps] 553 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,648 Like a Sharpie? 554 00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,520 Or like when you cross your eyes for too long 555 00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,000 and then all of a sudden, you're like a bird. 556 00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,523 You see, like, both sides only 557 00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:43,959 and you have to turn your head real fast 558 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,743 in order to see what's next to you. 559 00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:48,311 - What a day, what a day! [laughs] 560 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,530 Today, I'll have you know, 561 00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:52,446 I was part of the miracle of life. 562 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,404 - You really went through with helping your douchebag brother? 563 00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:55,492 - Gran, He's not a douchebag. 564 00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:57,842 I mean--well, even if he is, 565 00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:00,454 I'll be around as a symbol of undoucheyness 566 00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:01,977 for the kid, so-- 567 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,066 - Ike. Come on. 568 00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,547 - This might be the big news! 569 00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,288 - I know I found a new religion, 570 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,986 but fuck Mike. 571 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,727 - [whistles] 572 00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,163 Hey, big fella. 573 00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,209 So talked to the doctor. 574 00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:17,862 Your custard cut the mustard. 575 00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:19,212 - Ah! Mike! 576 00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:20,648 [laughs] - All right, all right. 577 00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:21,736 - Eh, oh? - You know, stop, stop. 578 00:17:21,823 --> 00:17:23,172 Just stop. - [growls] 579 00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:25,131 [laughs] Oh, man! 580 00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:27,046 I'm so excited to be part of a family. 581 00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,438 - About that. 582 00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:29,961 Listen, Ikey, 583 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,746 Susan doesn't know that it's your sperm 584 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,574 and I think it's probably best if we keep it that way, 585 00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:35,706 okay, pal? 586 00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,491 - What's she gonna think when the baby comes out 587 00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:40,276 and looks exactly like me? 588 00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:43,366 - Well, uh, Ike, we'll just have to cross that bridge 589 00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:45,412 when we get to it. 590 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,979 - Well, it's gonna be fun to be an uncle, I guess. 591 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,416 I'll always be that. [laughs] 592 00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:50,808 - Listen, Ike, I think it's best 593 00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,897 if the kid doesn't even know you exist. 594 00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:54,247 - What? 595 00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,770 - He needs positive role models. 596 00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,337 You understand, right? 597 00:17:57,424 --> 00:17:59,295 I mean, I don't want him growing up seeing you 598 00:17:59,382 --> 00:18:02,385 and thinking he's gonna end up dumb. 599 00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:03,691 But, still, hey. 600 00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:06,433 Nice work, stud. 601 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,609 - Thanks. 602 00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:14,615 ♪ ♪ 603 00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:21,491 - Sorry, Granny. 604 00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,189 I just needed a moment to myself. 605 00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:25,016 - Sit down, my friend. 606 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:32,589 Sometimes, the man who wants to be alone 607 00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,200 is the most in need of company. 608 00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:37,464 - It's my brother, Mike. 609 00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:40,293 Just feel like he walks all over me all the time. 610 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:42,338 - There's an old Yiddish saying: 611 00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:45,254 "Klieg, Klieg, Klieg-- du bist a Nar." 612 00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,649 - What does that mean? 613 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:51,956 - "You are smart, smart, smart, 614 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,219 but you are not so smart." 615 00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:56,700 - Oh. [both laugh] 616 00:18:56,787 --> 00:18:58,006 What does that mean? 617 00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,486 - You're missing the big picture. 618 00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,140 - How? 619 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,924 - In the Torah, it teaches us 620 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:06,188 that the highest form of wisdom is kindness. 621 00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,495 That is where you are smarter than Mike. 622 00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:10,192 And you can use that against him. 623 00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,629 - Yeah, like in a race or something. 624 00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:14,109 - Or you can Cain and Abel him 625 00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:15,806 and crack him over the head with a rock. 626 00:19:15,893 --> 00:19:17,417 - [laughs] 627 00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:20,855 Ah, no. I'm not gonna murder him. 628 00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,073 Thanks though, Granny. 629 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,510 I always wanted a Jewish granny. 630 00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:25,599 - Of course. 631 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,905 [speaks Hebrew] 632 00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:32,736 - Oh, wait. 633 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,216 Think I have a better idea. 634 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:38,481 [upbeat music] 635 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,570 - Hey. Ike here? 636 00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,181 Said he had something important to tell me. 637 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,226 - Oh, hey, Mike. Thanks for coming. 638 00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,749 I just got some crazy news. 639 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:48,099 We all took this DNA test 640 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,927 and given our recent transaction, 641 00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,278 I think you're gonna be interested in the results. 642 00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:53,975 - Sure. 643 00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,498 - Turns out the Crystal lineage can be traced 644 00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,413 all the way back to sixth-century Norway. 645 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,980 - Wow, no way. - Norway. 646 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,242 - Anyway-- - Norway. 647 00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,635 - Go away. - Right away. 648 00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:02,940 - Anyway, 649 00:20:03,027 --> 00:20:04,333 the Crystals are direct descendants 650 00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,074 of a Viking named Erik the Dum. 651 00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:07,641 - Erik the Dum? 652 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,817 - He's from the Moron region of Norway. 653 00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:13,690 And according to this, Erik the Dum was a carrier 654 00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:17,477 of the gene PRDX22. 655 00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:20,697 That's also known as "the dumb gene." 656 00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,003 - So what? 657 00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,439 I definitely don't have a dumb gene. 658 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,702 - Doesn't really matter, Mike. I do. 659 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,095 I just need you to know 660 00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,793 because your wife is carrying my seed, 661 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,579 your kid is gonna have the dumb gene. 662 00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,189 - Is this a joke? 663 00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:37,148 You expect me to believe that there is a Erik the Dum 664 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,021 from the Moron region of Norway? 665 00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,588 - We were all surprised too. 666 00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:43,329 - I'll just look it up. 667 00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,374 [whispering] Such an idiot. 668 00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,811 Ah. "Erik the Dum." 669 00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,726 [laughs] 670 00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,424 "Erik the Dum, 671 00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:54,818 "a Viking from the Moron region of Norway. 672 00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:57,560 "Widely perceived to be the stupidest Viking 673 00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:00,041 ever to become--" 674 00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,956 Holy shit. 675 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,654 - Yeah. Sorry, brother. 676 00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:06,917 - You idiot! 677 00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:09,006 You put your dumb genes into my wife 678 00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,661 and condemned my kid to a life of stupidity? 679 00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:12,923 I asked you for one thing 680 00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:14,490 and you screwed it up, didn't you? 681 00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,449 Like you screw up your entire life! 682 00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:17,798 - Whoa, man! [all objecting] 683 00:21:17,885 --> 00:21:19,495 - It's okay. No, no, no, no, no. 684 00:21:19,582 --> 00:21:21,497 Guys, guys, guys, don't cross over into his zone. 685 00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:22,716 He's not worth it. 686 00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:23,934 - Oh, no, cross the line! Come on! 687 00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:25,371 I'll take you all on! 688 00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:28,765 I'm a master of Wishu Shishu karate! 689 00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:30,332 - You know what, Mike? 690 00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:32,073 For years, you have been treating me like dirt 691 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,729 and all I've ever done is been nice to you in return. 692 00:21:35,816 --> 00:21:37,818 That ends now. 693 00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:40,081 You know, I may not be book smart 694 00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:43,824 or word smart or university smart like you, 695 00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:45,173 but guess what? 696 00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:47,131 I'm hose smart, axe smart, 697 00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:49,482 fire truck driving smart, Mike. 698 00:21:49,569 --> 00:21:51,353 And guess what? 699 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,573 I'm also just a nice person. 700 00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,618 - Wow. I gotta write that one down. 701 00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:57,185 It's brilliant. 702 00:21:57,272 --> 00:21:59,318 - A very good friend of mine once said to me, 703 00:21:59,405 --> 00:22:02,538 "The highest form of wisdom 704 00:22:02,625 --> 00:22:04,148 is kindness." 705 00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,150 My friend, that makes you 706 00:22:06,237 --> 00:22:08,022 one of the stupidest people I know. 707 00:22:08,109 --> 00:22:09,632 - Whatever. 708 00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:13,723 By the way, you suck at making puns. 709 00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:16,987 - You know what, Mike? 710 00:22:17,074 --> 00:22:19,903 You suck... 711 00:22:19,990 --> 00:22:21,470 at making sons. 712 00:22:21,557 --> 00:22:25,126 all: Oh! 713 00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:26,432 - Yes! 714 00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:27,607 - That's a rhyme. That's a rhyme. 715 00:22:27,694 --> 00:22:28,956 It's not a-- - Yeah! 716 00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:30,784 [all cheering] 717 00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:32,176 - Say hi to Mom for me. 718 00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:33,874 - Me too. 719 00:22:33,961 --> 00:22:35,397 - Whoo! - [laughs] 720 00:22:35,484 --> 00:22:36,964 - Oh, man. - That was awesome. 721 00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:38,922 - Oh, man, you came up with that, like, so-- 722 00:22:39,009 --> 00:22:40,315 - Yeah, I just thought of it and I was like-- 723 00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,578 - Fast. - Puns, puns, puns, think. 724 00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:43,840 Oh, okay, I'm doing it wrong now, but-- 725 00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:45,668 - Oh, no, you got it. - Wow. 726 00:22:45,755 --> 00:22:47,714 - Hook, line, and blinker, man. 727 00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:49,019 [all agreeing] - Yeah. Definitely. 728 00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:50,717 Yeah. - Right? 729 00:22:50,804 --> 00:22:52,153 - I know, it's almost like the flashlight is on. 730 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:58,289 - That's a fat violin. 731 00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,727 - Guys. My brother texted me. 732 00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:02,250 Turns out the pregnancy didn't take. 733 00:23:02,337 --> 00:23:03,947 His wife's not pregnant. [both cheering] 734 00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:05,209 - Yeah, yeah! - Nice! 735 00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,602 - Apparently, my sperm went 736 00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:07,821 right into her spleen or something. 737 00:23:07,908 --> 00:23:09,605 [laughter] 738 00:23:09,692 --> 00:23:11,564 - So wait, what's up with those test results? 739 00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:13,043 - Oh, no, it's fake. 740 00:23:13,130 --> 00:23:14,523 We made it all up just to piss my brother off. 741 00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:15,829 - Man. 742 00:23:15,916 --> 00:23:16,873 What about that Checkipedia page then? 743 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,179 - It's fake. Yeah. 744 00:23:18,266 --> 00:23:19,833 Granny created a fake page. 745 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,923 - Oh, my goodness. What about the dumb gene? 746 00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:24,490 - We made everything up. 747 00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:26,535 - What about Moron, Norway? What about that? 748 00:23:26,622 --> 00:23:27,884 - None of it is real, Andy. 749 00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:29,364 - I still don't get it. 750 00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:30,800 - When is this gonna fix itself, Andy? 751 00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:32,149 - You get used to it. [laughs] 752 00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:35,414 [laughter] 753 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,763 - Oh, man. - All right, guys. 754 00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:38,982 Who's ready for Peaches Penisi? 755 00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:40,375 [all cheering] 756 00:23:40,462 --> 00:23:41,463 - What? 757 00:23:41,550 --> 00:23:43,117 Looks amazing! - Wow! 758 00:23:43,204 --> 00:23:45,380 - Fork? - Thank you. 759 00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:46,990 - Hey, Chief, do you want some? - Oh, no. 760 00:23:47,077 --> 00:23:49,602 It's too sweet for my teeth. 761 00:23:49,689 --> 00:23:50,994 - Okay. 762 00:23:51,081 --> 00:23:52,692 You don't know what you're missing. 763 00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:57,827 - Oh, my teeth! 764 00:23:57,914 --> 00:24:00,134 Oh, this kills. - What's the matter? 765 00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:01,178 - Dad, is this what it feels like 766 00:24:01,265 --> 00:24:02,789 to have sensitive teeth? 767 00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:04,312 - They feel sensitive? Really? - Oh, yeah. 768 00:24:04,399 --> 00:24:05,748 Maybe you could coach me through it? 769 00:24:05,835 --> 00:24:07,837 - Oh, okay. I have special toothpaste, 770 00:24:07,924 --> 00:24:09,099 I could share it with you. - Great. 771 00:24:09,186 --> 00:24:10,361 - Hold on. 772 00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:14,191 [upbeat music] 773 00:24:14,278 --> 00:24:15,758 - This is so freaking delicious. 774 00:24:15,845 --> 00:24:17,543 - You old softy. I know what you did. 775 00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:19,588 - I guess that's my McConky side. 776 00:24:19,675 --> 00:24:20,981 - Yeah. You know what? 777 00:24:21,068 --> 00:24:22,286 Who wants more Peaches Penisi? 778 00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:25,289 [all talking at once] 779 00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:29,468 ♪ ♪