♪♪
-All right, Assistant Principal Weber.
You wanna tell me why the Sotto Valley
High School cafeteria looks like a war zone?
Why you're dressed like a delivery man?
And what the hell this is?
♪♪
-We must stop the Crites
and destroy Christopher Stewart.
-I think we need to call somebody.
-Who?
-I don't know! Just call somebody.
-Jesus Christ.
What the hell is going on?
-Deputy! You have to do something!
-What?
-Our friend and his mom have been kidnapped by these...
by these terrible little critters!
-Not know.
♪♪
-Pork Chop... we're coming for you.
-Mom? What's going on? What are these things?
[ Electricity crackles ]
-Oh, my God. You're okay!
-I'm not sure that we're okay, but...
-Oh, shit! Where's Holt?
-The delivery guy?
This is not the time to be thinking about sex.
-He's not a delivery guy.
He's a shape-shifting intergalactic bounty hunter.
He went into the school to try to save you.
-What are you talking about? Nobody came to save me.
Mr. Weber threatened to kill me with a golf club.
-Kill you? Wait. Wait, wait.
Was Mr. Weber wearing a delivery uniform?
-Yeah. Why?
-My God, that wasn't Mr. Weber. That was Holt.
I thought that son of a bitch was gonna protect you,
not try to kill you.
-Okay. I'm confused.
Why the hell would anyone want to kill me?
-I don't know. Maybe because you're...
-Because I'm what? -You're...Oh!
[ Beeping ]
♪♪
What is that smell?
-That was just me.
-Christopher, come on, seriously?
-I'm nervous, okay?
We're in a fucking spaceship, Mom.
-[ Screaming ]
-Oh, my God.
It's you.
-"You"? Who?
-Uh...
-Welcome home, Christopher.
I'm sure you have many questions.
-Yeah.
-Veronica, you look well.
-How does he know your name?
Mom, how the fuck does he know your name?
-Uh...
-We have traveled thousands of miles
and braved many dangers to find you.
-Me? Why do you wanna find me?
-You haven't told him?
-No. Please.
-Told me what?
-You've always felt different, haven't you?
-Yes. -Okay, stop.
He's not ready for this.
-Haven't you ever wondered why every waking moment
is consumed with the idea of feasting,
yet, no matter how much you eat, your hunger still burns?
-Okay, I've always been a bit peckish, but --
-Christopher, there's a reason your appetite
is never satisfied.
-Yeah, my mom says that I have no self-control.
-Why your teeth have baffled Earth's dentists?
-I have hypohydrotic ectodermal dysplasia.
Right, Mom?
-Huh?
Mom?!
-And your eyes?
-Yeah, I have acute ocular rosacea.
-Yeah, he gets weekly treatments
at the ophthalmologist. That's totally normal.
-[ Groaning ]
Holy shit!
That's my natural eye color?!
Oh, so, that's not normal back hair?
-That is normal back hair.
You got it from my dad's side.
-But the paralyzing quills hidden underneath
are another story.
-What the fuck is a paralyzing quill?!
-You see, Chris, my boy --
-No! Don't. Let me tell him.
I should be the one to do this.
Something happened a... long time ago.
-Oh, God.
-We met at a Y2K party, all right?
We thought the world was gonna end.
I mean, I thought, why the hell not?
I was rip-shit on some homemade wine.
I didn't think it could actually happen.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You mean, that, that thing is my father?!
-Yes.
-You told me that my real father was a roadie for the WWE!
How could I have been so fucking stupid?!
-Look, you are just lashing out at me
because you're angry!
-I'm lashing out at you
because you ran out of things to fuck on Earth!
And now I'm an alien!
-Hey, don't talk to your mother that way!
-I'm sorry!
Christopher, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before!
-Roni, give the boy some space.
-You just... -What?
-Stop looking at me!
You're undressing me with those eyes!
-You look hot, sue me. -Just --
-You are the Crite we've been searching for,
my son. -Holy shit.
-I have come to bring you to a world
where you will be worshipped,
a world where you belong.
I have come to take you home.
Join me and you will visit new galaxies
and see and eat things that no regular human has ever seen...
or eaten.
-It's like everything I've ever thought
about my life has been a lie.
-Become who you were born to be.
You are easily the smartest Crite ever conceived.
Your genetic code will create a line
of hyper-intelligent hybrids.
With your lineage, our species will make a great leap forward.
My own flesh and blood, my son,
will be the future of our people.
-Fuck.
-I don't know about you, Sheriff,
but I'm thinking that's no YouTube video
those kids were trying to make.
I mean, they would've put it up by now, right?
-Do I have resting bitch face?
-Sheriff! You have some visitors.
-We'll take it from here.
♪♪
-Who the hell are these guys?
-The Crites have found what they were seeking --
a genetic abomination, part-human, part-Crite.
We must retrieve the boy.
-You mean the boy that was right under your nose for three weeks?
-He appeared to be human.
-The Crite ship has already left Earth's atmosphere.
-We're too late.
-Not necessarily...
-Oh, shit!
♪♪