1
00:00:02,453 --> 00:00:05,954
Ugh. You again.
2
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,456
(groans)
3
00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:10,793
auntie, I feel
all twisted up inside.
4
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:14,263
Oh, honey, it's just
your monthly room repaint.
5
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,965
-What?
-It's tomato time, baby.
6
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:21,470
Time to hop on your cotton
pogo stick and go, go, go.
7
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,273
(chuckles)
you're entertaining the butcher,
8
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,859
and he's a natural redhead.
9
00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,728
You're shaking
the devil's margarita.
10
00:00:29,814 --> 00:00:31,230
(laughs)
11
00:00:31,315 --> 00:00:33,432
auntie, you don't
make any sense.
12
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,984
It's just your period, baby.
13
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:37,903
But why does it hurt so bad?
14
00:00:37,988 --> 00:00:39,371
Get used to it, doll.
15
00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:42,241
Welcome to womanhood.
16
00:00:42,326 --> 00:00:45,627
Population: Shut up about it.
17
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,947
(school bell ringing)
18
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,416
(groans)
19
00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:53,001
ms. Peahen, please,
can I go to the nurse?
20
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,336
Quit faking it, tuca.
21
00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,588
I know you didn't study
for that test.
22
00:00:56,674 --> 00:00:58,390
I was going to cheat, I swear.
23
00:00:58,476 --> 00:01:00,426
(exhales)
24
00:01:02,179 --> 00:01:03,846
huh.
25
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,398
(whistles)
26
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,318
ugh. My period is so annoying.
27
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:11,186
My cramps are killing me.
28
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:14,573
Don't you hate how the pain
is so bad, you barf... (shouts)
29
00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,608
then you black out,
30
00:01:16,694 --> 00:01:18,360
then you jolt back
into consciousness
31
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,028
only to curse out the gods
that made you?
32
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,830
But no god would make
such a beast.
33
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:24,416
Your body
is an evolutionary joke,
34
00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:26,702
and you were born to suffer.
35
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,253
(panting)
36
00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:31,006
-tampon?
-Ooh, that's way too small.
37
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,258
Do you have a beach towel
and a shop vac?
38
00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:34,426
(ducks quacking)
39
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,628
hello, everyone. My name is...
40
00:01:36,714 --> 00:01:39,214
(groans)
tuca.
41
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:42,134
(vomits)
42
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,937
(vomiting continues)
43
00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:48,006
-good tour.
-Pretty good tour.
44
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,892
♪ tuca and bertie and tuca and
bertie and bertie and tuca ♪
45
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,510
♪ and tuca and bertie,
tuca and bertie ♪
46
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,445
♪ tu-tu-tuca ♪
47
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,014
-♪ tuca ♪
-♪ and bertie. ♪
48
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,450
(vocalizing)
49
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:05,757
so, how come you've never
pooped while I'm over here?
50
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,392
I want to watch you go.
51
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,794
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tuca, what?
52
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:12,581
Ew. You know I don't
really do that, right?
53
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,133
-What?
-Well, I try not to.
54
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:17,719
That's why I photosynthesize
most of my nutrients.
55
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:21,423
You know, I did think
your booty looked pristine.
56
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,308
That's just a knot.
57
00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:25,427
It's knot a bootyhole?
58
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,929
You plants are
freaky-squeaky clean.
59
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,231
Figgy: You're actually
the first non-plant person
60
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,399
I've ever dated.
61
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,151
Your body is so interesting.
62
00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:36,688
So much goes in and comes out,
and very little of it is oxygen.
63
00:02:36,774 --> 00:02:39,391
Yep, I'm just a big
wet sack of bird meat.
64
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,579
Anyways, let's talk more
about things going in and out.
65
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,414
Hey, I was thinking,
66
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,783
maybe we could take
a trip sometime.
67
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,618
Have you ever been
to horseville?
68
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:50,919
Horseville?
69
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,672
(horses neighing)
70
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,374
welcome to horseville.
71
00:02:55,459 --> 00:03:00,179
Choose a horse, and you can
ride it for your entire visit.
72
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,465
Ha-har!
73
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,884
(gasps)
I've always wanted to go there.
74
00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:08,470
-Great. Want to go this weekend?
-Hmm, let me see.
75
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:11,974
Hold on just
un momento, por favor.
76
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:15,894
Oops.
77
00:03:17,648 --> 00:03:19,764
I can't. Uh, I have to, um...
78
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,533
R-repaint my apartment.
79
00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,368
(echoes):
Well, we can go another time.
80
00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:26,788
I was just trying to be fun
and impulsive, like you.
81
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,825
(strains):
Hormones shifting.
82
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,327
-Do you need help painting?
-(grunts)
83
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,329
no, I'm fine.
84
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,049
I need to go. I'll text you!
85
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,951
(howling)
86
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:42,120
figgy:
Okay, love you. (howling)
87
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,306
(laughs)
88
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,458
(sighs)
she's fun.
89
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,760
(barking)
90
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,765
(groans)
91
00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:56,852
♪ ♪
92
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,188
(whimpers)
93
00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:03,492
(sighs)
94
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:06,612
being sick is so boring.
95
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,031
(grunting)
96
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:11,867
(knocking on door)
97
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,503
bertie:
Tuca, it's me.
98
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,788
I can't move, bertie.
99
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:19,541
Are you okay?
100
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:20,509
Do you still want to go
to the salon
101
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:21,927
with the scary stylist?
102
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,495
You know, from the way
he looks at me,
103
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,631
I can tell he wants to give me
a ruthless makeover.
104
00:04:25,716 --> 00:04:27,049
Ooh, am I tempted?
105
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,717
Am I intrigued by how
he would transform me?
106
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,769
-Yes.
-Bertie.
107
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,838
I'm stuck here in the dirt.
I can't move.
108
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,441
-Are you having
your monthly thingy?
-Yes.
109
00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,694
Do you want me to do the thing
where I put my hands
110
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,396
on your body and make
sympathetic noises?
111
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,781
Yes.
112
00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:47,686
Ah, ooh, I'm healing you.
113
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,821
It's not working, bertie.
114
00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:53,158
You should leave.
I'm just sucking you down.
115
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:58,914
Bertie, quickly,
escape while you still can.
116
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,300
Um, I'm fine.
117
00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,502
(groans)
118
00:05:03,587 --> 00:05:05,754
tuca, you need to see a doctor.
119
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,205
I hate doctors.
120
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,541
They just want to collect
my urine and sell it.
121
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,143
Piss is currency
to them, bertie.
122
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,312
Okay, but, uh,
is this chronic thing
123
00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:16,098
holding you back from
doing stuff you want to do?
124
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,816
Figgy wants to take me
to horseville.
125
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,234
I really want to go.
126
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:23,055
I can picture it,
and it's so beautiful, bertie.
127
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:25,190
♪ ♪
128
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:31,163
damn, that's messed up.
129
00:05:32,282 --> 00:05:35,000
Horseville. Ouch!
130
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,235
Well, that's a great reason
to get fixed.
131
00:05:37,321 --> 00:05:39,637
You have health insurance
from your work, right?
132
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,007
Yeah, it covers everything
at this place.
133
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:43,375
Great.
134
00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:45,744
Bertie, no. I don't want to go.
135
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,713
If you let me make
an appointment,
136
00:05:47,798 --> 00:05:50,298
I'll let you play
with this glue.
137
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,268
I have to stop myself
from putting it in my mouth.
138
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,519
Don't do that.
139
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:56,921
-Maybe just one bite.
-No, tuca.
140
00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:00,308
I have health insurance now.
I can eat the glue.
141
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,096
Bertie, I don't need
a doctor anymore.
142
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,932
This website says if I give
myself a celery juice enema,
143
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,268
-I'll be cured.
-Tuca, you have to stop
144
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,771
letting the internet tell you
what to put up your butt.
145
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,123
-Never.
-Tuca toucan? Right this way.
146
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,941
We just need to get
a urine sample.
147
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,245
I knew it! Y'all want to collect
my liquid gold right away.
148
00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:23,632
-Cha-ching.
-(laughs) that's ridiculous.
149
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,317
We only need it
to assess your health.
150
00:06:25,402 --> 00:06:28,286
Very well, but I just know
this lemonade's gonna end up
151
00:06:28,372 --> 00:06:32,407
on the yellow market
for $58 an ounce.
152
00:06:33,744 --> 00:06:35,994
(phone chimes, vibrates)
153
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,780
no, that's tuca's phone.
154
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,732
Mind your own business.
155
00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,367
(straining)
156
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:47,138
figgy:
Hey, tooks, I saw something
that reminded me of you.
157
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:49,491
Should I buy this for you,
or is it too corny?
158
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,942
(gasps)
159
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,577
bertie, we've been friends
for over a decade.
160
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:55,747
So now it's time to show you
my most prized possessions.
161
00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,833
Okay.
162
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,317
-Whoa!
-Yeah!
163
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,952
(shouting, screaming)
164
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,593
I don't know what to say.
165
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:12,130
I've got a drummer,
a guy on bass and a flautist.
166
00:07:12,216 --> 00:07:15,350
If you look closely, his flute
is just a smaller hot dog.
167
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,937
Someday my collection
will be complete.
168
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,273
Okay. How do we get out of here?
169
00:07:22,559 --> 00:07:25,944
I love it. Get it for me.
170
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,680
This is tuca.
171
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,182
Can you show me what
your pain level has been like
172
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,651
on this scale?
173
00:07:32,736 --> 00:07:34,202
Are the hats part of it?
174
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,288
Because I kind of
feel like this one,
175
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,657
but he's wearing a hat
that says "I'm baby,"
176
00:07:38,742 --> 00:07:40,408
and I don't think I'm baby.
177
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,860
So then don't point to that one.
178
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,079
Okay, well, if we're
going off general vibe,
179
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,798
-I guess this one.
-Okay, so not that much pain.
180
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:48,834
No, a lot of pain.
181
00:07:48,919 --> 00:07:51,169
You pointed to a face
with not that much pain.
182
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,472
There's nothing else
I can do for you.
183
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:54,840
Cute beret, though.
184
00:07:54,925 --> 00:07:56,508
But I feel allergic
to my own hormones.
185
00:07:56,593 --> 00:07:58,093
I only have one week a month
186
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,095
where I don't feel like
chopping off my lower body.
187
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,181
-Does that sound normal to you?
-Hmm.
188
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:05,884
-Mm-mm-mm.
-Look,
189
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,486
can you just give me
a referral to a gyno?
190
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,155
Sure, just fill out
these ten pages of paperwork.
191
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,440
This is the same paperwork
I already filled out.
192
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:13,909
Can you just talk to each other?
193
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,827
Ever since our queen died,
this whole hive
194
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,162
has suffered colony collapse.
195
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,563
We don't communicate at all
196
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,198
because now everyone
thinks they're the queen.
197
00:08:20,284 --> 00:08:23,368
Which is crazy because
obviously, I'm the queen.
198
00:08:23,453 --> 00:08:25,420
-What?
-Fill out these forms
in triplicate.
199
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,122
(groans)
200
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,741
it's a long and treacherous way
home, green beads,
201
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,594
-but if you just follow
this twisty road...
-(phone chiming)
202
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,679
...You'll get there safely.
203
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:36,598
Uhp! Stay the course, red beads.
204
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,266
There is no free will.
205
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:42,086
Thy destiny is but a single path
of loopedy-loops.
206
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,405
(chiming)
207
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:44,773
(moans)
208
00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,274
figgy:
I've been thinking about
209
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,993
your ideas for bertie's
birthday present.
210
00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:49,361
Whoa.
211
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,913
-Figgy: The piñata
full of spiders.
-(shouts)
212
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,566
-a loaded gun.
-Oh, no.
213
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,068
-A limited-edition collection...
-Ooh.
214
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,070
-...Of loaded guns.
-(groans)
215
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,256
based on what you've
told me about bertie--
216
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,708
see footnotes for citations
of her fear
217
00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:07,178
of spiders and firearms--
I wonder if she wouldn't like
218
00:09:07,264 --> 00:09:10,915
something more along the lines
of a really nice rolling pin.
219
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,251
Or perhaps a picnic?
220
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,353
(sighs) uh, I agree.
221
00:09:15,439 --> 00:09:18,390
Those are great ideas
for bertie's birthday.
222
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,142
Sincerely, tuca.
223
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:24,863
(sighs) okay, that's it.
No more texting.
224
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:31,903
Should bertie get
really into hats this year?
225
00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:35,624
How old is too old
to be into boy bands?
226
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,775
How should bertie resolve
her mommy issues?
227
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,996
Ooh, a-and also,
her daddy issues?
228
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:44,299
What's a six-letter word
for "boundaries"?
229
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:49,337
Should bertie get
spicy chips or plain?
230
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,789
Figgy:
Tooks, remember that time
you ate the entire bag
231
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,976
of scorchin' hot gravel nuggets
and they made you feel bad,
232
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,811
but then you said, "worth it"?
233
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,463
Life is short.
234
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,566
Tell bertie to get the spicy
chips if she wants them.
235
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:04,069
Damn, so heckin' wise.
236
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,439
I agree. Says me, tuca.
237
00:10:09,493 --> 00:10:11,443
-(phone chimes)
-figgy: Glad I could help.
238
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,495
I am figgy.
239
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,830
-(buzzing)
-(wheels creaking)
240
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,252
okay, how many babies
do you want?
241
00:10:21,338 --> 00:10:23,872
Between 12 and 18, but
that's not why I'm here today.
242
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,990
Well, this pain
is in your pelvis,
243
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:28,343
so it might affect
your fertility.
244
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:31,046
No, ma'am. You're gonna fix
whatever's happening in there,
245
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,181
and then I'm going to have
all my babies
246
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,434
without any complications the
moment I'm ready. ¿comprende?
247
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,938
Okay, then. I guess
we'll cross that scary bridge
248
00:10:40,023 --> 00:10:42,057
when we come to it.
(laughs)
249
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,509
I also get these stabbing pains
in my bootyhole.
250
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:48,346
Nope, no way. I'm a gyno,
so I only look at the one hole.
251
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,232
-Come on, it's right there.
-Out of my jurisdiction.
252
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:54,185
-It's, like, one inch away.
-Nope, I'm the sheriff
253
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,821
of (cat meows)-town, and that's
across the county line.
254
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,189
Pew, pew.
255
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,741
(groans)
256
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,628
(belches, moans)
257
00:11:03,714 --> 00:11:05,296
-worth it.
-(phone chimes)
258
00:11:05,382 --> 00:11:07,048
figgy:
Hey, tooks,
259
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,550
I know you're busy
repainting your apartment,
260
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,718
but I'm in your neighborhood.
261
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,803
Want me to bring you some pizza?
262
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:14,038
Aw. Tuca would love pizza.
263
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,725
Especially if she's been
painting all day.
264
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,260
Yes, bring me pizza.
265
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,596
Heart emoji, tuca.
266
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,014
-Hey, bertie.
-(shouts)
267
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,315
I just got a few more
specialists to see,
268
00:11:24,401 --> 00:11:26,350
-then we can get out of here.
-Okay.
269
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:28,103
Tuca's not painting
her apartment.
270
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,821
Tuca's at the doctor.
271
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,773
Oh, bertie stupid.
272
00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:34,359
-Figgy: Be there in five.
-Eep!
273
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,894
(phone ringing)
274
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:38,997
hello, my sweet,
sweetie, sweet...
275
00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:40,582
Speckle! I don't
have time to explain.
276
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,200
I need you to go upstairs
to tuca's apartment
277
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,402
and pretend to be her.
278
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,204
I have no questions.
279
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:51,009
Yoo-hoo! Hi!
280
00:11:51,094 --> 00:11:52,594
That's it, keep waving.
281
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,295
Now, when he rings the intercom,
282
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:57,348
tell him to leave the pizza
in the lobby.
283
00:11:57,434 --> 00:12:00,468
-(buzzer sounds)
-speckle: Hello, big boy.
284
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,303
Get up here and give me
285
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,972
a big kiss.
286
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,424
No! Why would you do that?
287
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,860
I feel like that's
what tuca would have said.
288
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,279
(buzzer sounds)
289
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,619
speckle:
Come on in.
290
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,037
Figgy:
Hey, tooks.
291
00:12:19,122 --> 00:12:21,573
Whoa, what's all this?
292
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,958
Uh, I'm painting.
293
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,077
I-I'm covered in paint.
294
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,712
-Ugh...
-(bertie whimpers)
295
00:12:27,798 --> 00:12:30,215
no problem, I can just leave
the pizza here at the door,
296
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,950
but I would love to see
your place when you're done.
297
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,787
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, sounds good,
298
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,955
barky boy.
299
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,841
Hey, that thing I said earlier
about you being
300
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:42,177
the first non-plant I've dated.
301
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:45,063
I feel like that came out
sounding wrong.
302
00:12:45,148 --> 00:12:47,599
I just really like you.
303
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,484
-All of you.
-Aw.
304
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:50,819
Aw.
305
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,303
Figgy:
Anyways, I can see you're busy.
306
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:55,473
-I'll be on my way.
-Uh, I'm not busy at all.
307
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,109
Tell me more of the things
you like about me.
308
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:01,279
Ask me personal questions
about myself
309
00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:04,365
-that only I would know.
-No!
310
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,540
(groaning)
311
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,467
I've had it! Enough!
312
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:43,538
I've seen a urologist,
a neurologist, a cloacologist.
313
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,057
All of you are experts
on all these individual parts,
314
00:13:46,176 --> 00:13:49,310
but my body is a galaxy,
not just one planet.
315
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,513
Whatever is wrong with me
is affecting
316
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,548
my entire body and mind.
317
00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:56,768
Isn't there someone here
who can look at my whole being
318
00:13:56,886 --> 00:13:58,903
and connect all the parts?
319
00:13:59,022 --> 00:14:01,406
(melodic buzzing)
320
00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:04,409
♪ we can't find the source
of your distress ♪
321
00:14:04,528 --> 00:14:07,228
♪ what's your deal?
It's anybody's guess ♪
322
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:10,098
♪ though all your problems
are physical and cyclical ♪
323
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:14,619
♪ have you considered that
your brain could be atypical? ♪
324
00:14:14,737 --> 00:14:17,589
♪ it's hormones, it's anxiety ♪
325
00:14:17,707 --> 00:14:20,675
♪ your pelvis is a mystery ♪
326
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:26,047
♪ you could try
losing ten pounds ♪
327
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:27,715
what? I don't need
to lose weight.
328
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:30,101
That's not my issue.
329
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:34,222
♪ that's what we say to every
patient and it never hurts ♪
330
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,357
I think it does hurt.
It's very harmful.
331
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,092
♪ lost nine pounds? ♪
332
00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:39,394
♪ try one more ♪
333
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:40,979
♪ lost 11 pounds? ♪
334
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:42,447
♪ that's extra good ♪
335
00:14:42,566 --> 00:14:45,233
♪ lose six pounds,
gain five more ♪
336
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:48,620
♪ everybody's got
to have an equal score ♪
337
00:14:48,738 --> 00:14:50,955
♪ and the thing
you most need to know ♪
338
00:14:51,074 --> 00:14:54,826
♪ aside from all the tests
and diagnoses and vaccines ♪
339
00:14:54,944 --> 00:14:56,744
yes? What is it?
340
00:14:56,830 --> 00:15:00,214
♪ is this very important bit
of info ♪
341
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:04,335
♪ listen up, I'll tell you now ♪
342
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:09,674
♪ are you ready? ♪
343
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,476
♪ I'm the queen ♪
344
00:15:11,595 --> 00:15:13,227
-♪ I'm the queen ♪
-♪ I'm the queen ♪
345
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:14,529
♪ I'm the queen, I'm the queen ♪
346
00:15:14,631 --> 00:15:19,233
♪ queen, queen, queen, queen. ♪
347
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,152
(all buzzing)
348
00:15:21,271 --> 00:15:23,988
shut up.
This is a huge waste of time.
349
00:15:24,107 --> 00:15:26,407
All of you have
terrible bedside manners,
350
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:27,859
you've been very unhelpful,
351
00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:29,994
and you all are
extremely talented vocalists.
352
00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:31,245
And none of you
should be doctors.
353
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,480
You all should have followed
354
00:15:32,582 --> 00:15:35,166
your performing arts dreams
instead.
355
00:15:36,453 --> 00:15:38,653
Now, behold. I am your queen.
356
00:15:38,755 --> 00:15:40,788
(bees gasping, buzzing)
357
00:15:45,395 --> 00:15:46,844
whew, figgy's just left.
358
00:15:46,963 --> 00:15:48,129
We had a good chat.
359
00:15:48,231 --> 00:15:50,214
He seems kind of awesome.
360
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,767
Love him. (sighs)
361
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:54,686
I can't wait for him to meet me.
362
00:15:54,804 --> 00:15:56,888
The real me.
363
00:15:57,006 --> 00:15:58,606
Bertie:
So...
364
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,808
Are you gonna take off
that costume now?
365
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:03,478
Bertie, it took me a long time
to get into character,
366
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,114
and it's gonna take me
a long time to get out.
367
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,182
So I'm gonna go hit the clubs.
368
00:16:08,284 --> 00:16:10,785
(dance music playing)
369
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,036
(phone beeps)
370
00:16:12,155 --> 00:16:13,788
tuca:
You all must obey my wishes!
371
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,022
Tuca?
372
00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:17,692
As your queen, I command you all
373
00:16:17,794 --> 00:16:19,160
to stop wasting my time
374
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,412
and just tell me
what's wrong with me!
375
00:16:21,531 --> 00:16:23,297
Or else
I'll have you all beheaded.
376
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,049
Get it? Bee-headed?
377
00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:26,701
-Oh! Aah!
-Tuca.
378
00:16:26,803 --> 00:16:29,504
We've got to get you
to a real hospital.
379
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,205
You heard her, take your queen
380
00:16:31,307 --> 00:16:34,225
to a... (groaning)
real hospital.
381
00:16:34,344 --> 00:16:36,060
♪ ♪
382
00:16:36,179 --> 00:16:38,396
(tuca moaning)
383
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,683
(bertie screaming)
384
00:16:44,821 --> 00:16:46,604
(insects trilling)
385
00:16:46,723 --> 00:16:49,273
okay, this is just
a quick cat scan.
386
00:16:49,392 --> 00:16:51,125
Please don't sting me.
387
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,444
(all buzzing)
388
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,831
(cat yowling)
389
00:16:58,668 --> 00:17:00,702
♪ ♪
390
00:17:21,758 --> 00:17:23,057
you.
391
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,942
How could you do that to tuca?
392
00:17:25,061 --> 00:17:26,394
Oh, right.
393
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,095
You're tuca's friend.
394
00:17:28,198 --> 00:17:29,614
Georgette?
395
00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:32,483
-Bertie.
-Really? You look
like a georgette to me.
396
00:17:32,602 --> 00:17:34,318
-I think I know my own name.
-Huh.
397
00:17:34,437 --> 00:17:35,870
Then who's georgette?
398
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,622
Forget about georgette!
399
00:17:37,741 --> 00:17:39,490
Tuca was upset
about you for months,
400
00:17:39,609 --> 00:17:42,543
and you just disappeared.
I mean, who does that?
401
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,296
She was too much for me.
I had to take care of myself.
402
00:17:45,415 --> 00:17:46,798
You know,
tuca would never say this,
403
00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:49,801
because she has too much grace,
but... Get bent.
404
00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:54,005
In the butt, (bleep, cat meows)
and cloaca.
405
00:17:54,123 --> 00:17:55,790
I only have a cloaca.
406
00:17:55,892 --> 00:17:57,925
Why would I need
three holes down there?
407
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,294
Ooh, my name is kara.
408
00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:02,263
I'm so fancy.
409
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:05,650
I do all my pee-pee
poo-poos out of one hole.
410
00:18:05,769 --> 00:18:07,435
I've lost the thread
on which one of us
411
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,854
is the weird one in this world.
412
00:18:09,972 --> 00:18:12,106
So those are the results.
413
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,141
If you have
any follow-up questions,
414
00:18:14,244 --> 00:18:15,943
you can call this number.
415
00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:18,362
Okay. Thank you.
416
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,832
(groans)
417
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:23,818
(sighs)
418
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,753
hey, auntie.
419
00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,206
Tuca, you're visiting
early today.
420
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:31,542
Actually, I was here getting
some tests, trying to figure out
421
00:18:31,661 --> 00:18:33,795
why I feel so bad each month.
422
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,681
For the first time, I thought
maybe I could find an answer
423
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,966
and feel just
a little bit better, you know?
424
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,434
I'll try anything.
425
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,136
I'll butt-chug celery juice
at every meal.
426
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,304
I don't care.
427
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:46,557
I just want to know what to do.
428
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,679
I have the same affliction,
darling.
429
00:18:51,781 --> 00:18:52,864
(chuckles)
430
00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:54,699
maybe that's
why I'm such a bitch.
431
00:18:54,818 --> 00:18:56,150
(chuckles)
432
00:18:56,236 --> 00:19:00,354
I never got any explanation
other than my "mean uterus"
433
00:19:00,456 --> 00:19:02,790
and my "showoff-y ovaries."
434
00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,525
(inhales)
435
00:19:04,627 --> 00:19:06,911
good for you trying
to take care of yourself.
436
00:19:07,029 --> 00:19:11,382
I gave up on finding an answer
long, long ago.
437
00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:14,752
But have you thought
about losing ten pounds?
438
00:19:14,871 --> 00:19:17,588
(both laugh)
439
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:19,891
hurry, hurry.
440
00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:22,143
Catch up to your family,
blue beads.
441
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:25,513
Stragglers die of exposure
in the cold of night.
442
00:19:26,316 --> 00:19:27,732
Hey, how'd it go?
443
00:19:27,851 --> 00:19:30,384
All the tests came back
normal or inconclusive.
444
00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:32,737
Aw, we could try a naturopath.
445
00:19:32,856 --> 00:19:35,072
An integrative holistic healer?
446
00:19:35,191 --> 00:19:37,108
Nah, bertie, I quit.
447
00:19:37,226 --> 00:19:39,577
This flare-up will end soon,
and I'll feel fine
448
00:19:39,696 --> 00:19:42,530
for a few days or weeks
until it comes back.
449
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,532
Right now,
I just want to go home.
450
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:47,418
Let's get out of here
before we run into you-know-who.
451
00:19:47,537 --> 00:19:50,070
Okay. Hmm, are you gonna
see figgy tonight?
452
00:19:50,173 --> 00:19:51,539
I don't know.
453
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,375
I'm feeling more
"I'm baby" hat than sombrero,
454
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,010
if you know what I mean.
455
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,797
I don't, but, tuca,
he seems like a great guy.
456
00:19:59,916 --> 00:20:02,383
You should tell him
what's going on with you.
457
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:04,719
I bet he'll be
really cool with it.
458
00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:07,271
Also, here's your phone back.
459
00:20:07,390 --> 00:20:08,639
Don't look at your text history.
460
00:20:08,758 --> 00:20:10,524
Oh, I never look
at my text history.
461
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,945
There's such a thing
as too much tuca, even for tuca.
462
00:20:14,063 --> 00:20:16,263
(knocking)
463
00:20:16,366 --> 00:20:17,815
ta-da.
464
00:20:17,934 --> 00:20:19,951
♪ ♪
465
00:20:21,154 --> 00:20:22,937
it's perfect.
466
00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:24,322
How did you know?
467
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,990
You told me.
468
00:20:26,108 --> 00:20:27,541
Wow, the paint looks great.
469
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,961
It dried really fast, huh?
470
00:20:30,079 --> 00:20:32,413
Says me, figgy.
471
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:35,750
Yeah, I guess maybe it did,
says I, tuca.
472
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,552
Listen, I have something
to tell you.
473
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,838
I have this cyclical,
chronic thing that flares up.
474
00:20:40,957 --> 00:20:43,975
It hurts a lot
and makes me really depressed.
475
00:20:44,093 --> 00:20:46,510
It's like the smallest,
most boring roller coaster,
476
00:20:46,629 --> 00:20:49,230
and I might be stuck on it
for the rest of my life.
477
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:51,632
But I want to be honest
with you.
478
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:54,435
I like all of you.
479
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,438
Every part of you put together,
no matter whether those parts
480
00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:59,640
are feeling good or bad.
481
00:20:59,742 --> 00:21:03,277
Plus, we all have
our weird body stuff.
482
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:06,280
I can even use the toilet
in front of you,
483
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,982
if you really want.
484
00:21:08,084 --> 00:21:10,501
I must warn you, it'll be
extremely painful for me.
485
00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:12,086
Lots of splinters.
486
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:15,039
-(tuca laughs)
-also, I haven't really
487
00:21:15,157 --> 00:21:18,592
talked to you about this before,
but since we are being frank,
488
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,511
I drink a lot.
489
00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:22,663
I know you drink.
It's not a big deal.
490
00:21:22,765 --> 00:21:25,466
Yeah, but it's a lot,
more than you'd think.
491
00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:27,768
Really?
Because I can think a ton.
492
00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:30,271
Okay, so maybe it is
what you'd think.
493
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,673
I feel too sick to go
to horseville this weekend,
494
00:21:32,775 --> 00:21:34,475
but can we go another time?
495
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,193
I really want to go.
496
00:21:36,312 --> 00:21:38,345
♪ ♪
497
00:21:39,348 --> 00:21:43,451
ew! Why would you think
this is what horseville is?
498
00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:46,904
Have you ever been
to another city before?
499
00:21:47,023 --> 00:21:49,707
Mmm. Horseville.
500
00:21:49,826 --> 00:21:52,159
Of course.
Horseville isn't going anywhere.
501
00:21:52,245 --> 00:21:53,878
It'll always be there.
502
00:21:53,997 --> 00:21:56,998
Like the great barrier reef
and the glaciers and the moon.
503
00:21:58,334 --> 00:21:59,700
(tuca groans)
504
00:21:59,802 --> 00:22:01,836
why don't you get in bed?
505
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:05,339
Can I make you a tea?
506
00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:07,224
Put on a show
you'd like to watch?
507
00:22:07,343 --> 00:22:08,976
That would be really nice.
508
00:22:09,062 --> 00:22:11,378
I like caring
for other people, you know?
509
00:22:11,481 --> 00:22:13,213
It makes me feel good.
510
00:22:13,316 --> 00:22:16,100
So don't worry
about being too much for me.
511
00:22:17,070 --> 00:22:19,103
(sighs)
512
00:22:56,092 --> 00:22:58,125
♪ ♪
513
00:23:07,453 --> 00:23:08,619
pee-pee!
514
00:23:08,738 --> 00:23:11,271
(dogs barking)