1 00:00:02,453 --> 00:00:05,954 Ugh. You again. 2 00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,456 (groans) 3 00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:10,793 auntie, I feel all twisted up inside. 4 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:14,263 Oh, honey, it's just your monthly room repaint. 5 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,965 -What? -It's tomato time, baby. 6 00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:21,470 Time to hop on your cotton pogo stick and go, go, go. 7 00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,273 (chuckles) you're entertaining the butcher, 8 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,859 and he's a natural redhead. 9 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,728 You're shaking the devil's margarita. 10 00:00:29,814 --> 00:00:31,230 (laughs) 11 00:00:31,315 --> 00:00:33,432 auntie, you don't make any sense. 12 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,984 It's just your period, baby. 13 00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:37,903 But why does it hurt so bad? 14 00:00:37,988 --> 00:00:39,371 Get used to it, doll. 15 00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:42,241 Welcome to womanhood. 16 00:00:42,326 --> 00:00:45,627 Population: Shut up about it. 17 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,947 (school bell ringing) 18 00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,416 (groans) 19 00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:53,001 ms. Peahen, please, can I go to the nurse? 20 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,336 Quit faking it, tuca. 21 00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,588 I know you didn't study for that test. 22 00:00:56,674 --> 00:00:58,390 I was going to cheat, I swear. 23 00:00:58,476 --> 00:01:00,426 (exhales) 24 00:01:02,179 --> 00:01:03,846 huh. 25 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,398 (whistles) 26 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,318 ugh. My period is so annoying. 27 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:11,186 My cramps are killing me. 28 00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:14,573 Don't you hate how the pain is so bad, you barf... (shouts) 29 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,608 then you black out, 30 00:01:16,694 --> 00:01:18,360 then you jolt back into consciousness 31 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,028 only to curse out the gods that made you? 32 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,830 But no god would make such a beast. 33 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:24,416 Your body is an evolutionary joke, 34 00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:26,702 and you were born to suffer. 35 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,253 (panting) 36 00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:31,006 -tampon? -Ooh, that's way too small. 37 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,258 Do you have a beach towel and a shop vac? 38 00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:34,426 (ducks quacking) 39 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,628 hello, everyone. My name is... 40 00:01:36,714 --> 00:01:39,214 (groans) tuca. 41 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:42,134 (vomits) 42 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,937 (vomiting continues) 43 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:48,006 -good tour. -Pretty good tour. 44 00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,892 ♪ tuca and bertie and tuca and bertie and bertie and tuca ♪ 45 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,510 ♪ and tuca and bertie, tuca and bertie ♪ 46 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,445 ♪ tu-tu-tuca ♪ 47 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,014 -♪ tuca ♪ -♪ and bertie. ♪ 48 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,450 (vocalizing) 49 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:05,757 so, how come you've never pooped while I'm over here? 50 00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,392 I want to watch you go. 51 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,794 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tuca, what? 52 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:12,581 Ew. You know I don't really do that, right? 53 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,133 -What? -Well, I try not to. 54 00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:17,719 That's why I photosynthesize most of my nutrients. 55 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:21,423 You know, I did think your booty looked pristine. 56 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,308 That's just a knot. 57 00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:25,427 It's knot a bootyhole? 58 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,929 You plants are freaky-squeaky clean. 59 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,231 Figgy: You're actually the first non-plant person 60 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,399 I've ever dated. 61 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,151 Your body is so interesting. 62 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:36,688 So much goes in and comes out, and very little of it is oxygen. 63 00:02:36,774 --> 00:02:39,391 Yep, I'm just a big wet sack of bird meat. 64 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,579 Anyways, let's talk more about things going in and out. 65 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,414 Hey, I was thinking, 66 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,783 maybe we could take a trip sometime. 67 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,618 Have you ever been to horseville? 68 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:50,919 Horseville? 69 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,672 (horses neighing) 70 00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,374 welcome to horseville. 71 00:02:55,459 --> 00:03:00,179 Choose a horse, and you can ride it for your entire visit. 72 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,465 Ha-har! 73 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,884 (gasps) I've always wanted to go there. 74 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:08,470 -Great. Want to go this weekend? -Hmm, let me see. 75 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:11,974 Hold on just un momento, por favor. 76 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:15,894 Oops. 77 00:03:17,648 --> 00:03:19,764 I can't. Uh, I have to, um... 78 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,533 R-repaint my apartment. 79 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,368 (echoes): Well, we can go another time. 80 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:26,788 I was just trying to be fun and impulsive, like you. 81 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,825 (strains): Hormones shifting. 82 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,327 -Do you need help painting? -(grunts) 83 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,329 no, I'm fine. 84 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,049 I need to go. I'll text you! 85 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,951 (howling) 86 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:42,120 figgy: Okay, love you. (howling) 87 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,306 (laughs) 88 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,458 (sighs) she's fun. 89 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,760 (barking) 90 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,765 (groans) 91 00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:56,852 ♪ ♪ 92 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,188 (whimpers) 93 00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:03,492 (sighs) 94 00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:06,612 being sick is so boring. 95 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,031 (grunting) 96 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:11,867 (knocking on door) 97 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,503 bertie: Tuca, it's me. 98 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,788 I can't move, bertie. 99 00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:19,541 Are you okay? 100 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:20,509 Do you still want to go to the salon 101 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:21,927 with the scary stylist? 102 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,495 You know, from the way he looks at me, 103 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,631 I can tell he wants to give me a ruthless makeover. 104 00:04:25,716 --> 00:04:27,049 Ooh, am I tempted? 105 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,717 Am I intrigued by how he would transform me? 106 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,769 -Yes. -Bertie. 107 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,838 I'm stuck here in the dirt. I can't move. 108 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,441 -Are you having your monthly thingy? -Yes. 109 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,694 Do you want me to do the thing where I put my hands 110 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,396 on your body and make sympathetic noises? 111 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,781 Yes. 112 00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:47,686 Ah, ooh, I'm healing you. 113 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,821 It's not working, bertie. 114 00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:53,158 You should leave. I'm just sucking you down. 115 00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:58,914 Bertie, quickly, escape while you still can. 116 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,300 Um, I'm fine. 117 00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,502 (groans) 118 00:05:03,587 --> 00:05:05,754 tuca, you need to see a doctor. 119 00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,205 I hate doctors. 120 00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,541 They just want to collect my urine and sell it. 121 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,143 Piss is currency to them, bertie. 122 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,312 Okay, but, uh, is this chronic thing 123 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:16,098 holding you back from doing stuff you want to do? 124 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,816 Figgy wants to take me to horseville. 125 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,234 I really want to go. 126 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:23,055 I can picture it, and it's so beautiful, bertie. 127 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:25,190 ♪ ♪ 128 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:31,163 damn, that's messed up. 129 00:05:32,282 --> 00:05:35,000 Horseville. Ouch! 130 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,235 Well, that's a great reason to get fixed. 131 00:05:37,321 --> 00:05:39,637 You have health insurance from your work, right? 132 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,007 Yeah, it covers everything at this place. 133 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:43,375 Great. 134 00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:45,744 Bertie, no. I don't want to go. 135 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,713 If you let me make an appointment, 136 00:05:47,798 --> 00:05:50,298 I'll let you play with this glue. 137 00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,268 I have to stop myself from putting it in my mouth. 138 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,519 Don't do that. 139 00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:56,921 -Maybe just one bite. -No, tuca. 140 00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:00,308 I have health insurance now. I can eat the glue. 141 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,096 Bertie, I don't need a doctor anymore. 142 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,932 This website says if I give myself a celery juice enema, 143 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,268 -I'll be cured. -Tuca, you have to stop 144 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,771 letting the internet tell you what to put up your butt. 145 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,123 -Never. -Tuca toucan? Right this way. 146 00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,941 We just need to get a urine sample. 147 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,245 I knew it! Y'all want to collect my liquid gold right away. 148 00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:23,632 -Cha-ching. -(laughs) that's ridiculous. 149 00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,317 We only need it to assess your health. 150 00:06:25,402 --> 00:06:28,286 Very well, but I just know this lemonade's gonna end up 151 00:06:28,372 --> 00:06:32,407 on the yellow market for $58 an ounce. 152 00:06:33,744 --> 00:06:35,994 (phone chimes, vibrates) 153 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,780 no, that's tuca's phone. 154 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,732 Mind your own business. 155 00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,367 (straining) 156 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:47,138 figgy: Hey, tooks, I saw something that reminded me of you. 157 00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:49,491 Should I buy this for you, or is it too corny? 158 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,942 (gasps) 159 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,577 bertie, we've been friends for over a decade. 160 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:55,747 So now it's time to show you my most prized possessions. 161 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,833 Okay. 162 00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,317 -Whoa! -Yeah! 163 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,952 (shouting, screaming) 164 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,593 I don't know what to say. 165 00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:12,130 I've got a drummer, a guy on bass and a flautist. 166 00:07:12,216 --> 00:07:15,350 If you look closely, his flute is just a smaller hot dog. 167 00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,937 Someday my collection will be complete. 168 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,273 Okay. How do we get out of here? 169 00:07:22,559 --> 00:07:25,944 I love it. Get it for me. 170 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,680 This is tuca. 171 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,182 Can you show me what your pain level has been like 172 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,651 on this scale? 173 00:07:32,736 --> 00:07:34,202 Are the hats part of it? 174 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,288 Because I kind of feel like this one, 175 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,657 but he's wearing a hat that says "I'm baby," 176 00:07:38,742 --> 00:07:40,408 and I don't think I'm baby. 177 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,860 So then don't point to that one. 178 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,079 Okay, well, if we're going off general vibe, 179 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,798 -I guess this one. -Okay, so not that much pain. 180 00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:48,834 No, a lot of pain. 181 00:07:48,919 --> 00:07:51,169 You pointed to a face with not that much pain. 182 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,472 There's nothing else I can do for you. 183 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:54,840 Cute beret, though. 184 00:07:54,925 --> 00:07:56,508 But I feel allergic to my own hormones. 185 00:07:56,593 --> 00:07:58,093 I only have one week a month 186 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,095 where I don't feel like chopping off my lower body. 187 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,181 -Does that sound normal to you? -Hmm. 188 00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:05,884 -Mm-mm-mm. -Look, 189 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,486 can you just give me a referral to a gyno? 190 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,155 Sure, just fill out these ten pages of paperwork. 191 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,440 This is the same paperwork I already filled out. 192 00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:13,909 Can you just talk to each other? 193 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,827 Ever since our queen died, this whole hive 194 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,162 has suffered colony collapse. 195 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,563 We don't communicate at all 196 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,198 because now everyone thinks they're the queen. 197 00:08:20,284 --> 00:08:23,368 Which is crazy because obviously, I'm the queen. 198 00:08:23,453 --> 00:08:25,420 -What? -Fill out these forms in triplicate. 199 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,122 (groans) 200 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,741 it's a long and treacherous way home, green beads, 201 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,594 -but if you just follow this twisty road... -(phone chiming) 202 00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,679 ...You'll get there safely. 203 00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:36,598 Uhp! Stay the course, red beads. 204 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,266 There is no free will. 205 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:42,086 Thy destiny is but a single path of loopedy-loops. 206 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,405 (chiming) 207 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:44,773 (moans) 208 00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,274 figgy: I've been thinking about 209 00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,993 your ideas for bertie's birthday present. 210 00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:49,361 Whoa. 211 00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,913 -Figgy: The piñata full of spiders. -(shouts) 212 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,566 -a loaded gun. -Oh, no. 213 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,068 -A limited-edition collection... -Ooh. 214 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,070 -...Of loaded guns. -(groans) 215 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,256 based on what you've told me about bertie-- 216 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,708 see footnotes for citations of her fear 217 00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:07,178 of spiders and firearms-- I wonder if she wouldn't like 218 00:09:07,264 --> 00:09:10,915 something more along the lines of a really nice rolling pin. 219 00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,251 Or perhaps a picnic? 220 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,353 (sighs) uh, I agree. 221 00:09:15,439 --> 00:09:18,390 Those are great ideas for bertie's birthday. 222 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,142 Sincerely, tuca. 223 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:24,863 (sighs) okay, that's it. No more texting. 224 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:31,903 Should bertie get really into hats this year? 225 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:35,624 How old is too old to be into boy bands? 226 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,775 How should bertie resolve her mommy issues? 227 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,996 Ooh, a-and also, her daddy issues? 228 00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:44,299 What's a six-letter word for "boundaries"? 229 00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:49,337 Should bertie get spicy chips or plain? 230 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,789 Figgy: Tooks, remember that time you ate the entire bag 231 00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,976 of scorchin' hot gravel nuggets and they made you feel bad, 232 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,811 but then you said, "worth it"? 233 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,463 Life is short. 234 00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,566 Tell bertie to get the spicy chips if she wants them. 235 00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:04,069 Damn, so heckin' wise. 236 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,439 I agree. Says me, tuca. 237 00:10:09,493 --> 00:10:11,443 -(phone chimes) -figgy: Glad I could help. 238 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,495 I am figgy. 239 00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,830 -(buzzing) -(wheels creaking) 240 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,252 okay, how many babies do you want? 241 00:10:21,338 --> 00:10:23,872 Between 12 and 18, but that's not why I'm here today. 242 00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,990 Well, this pain is in your pelvis, 243 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:28,343 so it might affect your fertility. 244 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:31,046 No, ma'am. You're gonna fix whatever's happening in there, 245 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,181 and then I'm going to have all my babies 246 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,434 without any complications the moment I'm ready. ¿comprende? 247 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,938 Okay, then. I guess we'll cross that scary bridge 248 00:10:40,023 --> 00:10:42,057 when we come to it. (laughs) 249 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,509 I also get these stabbing pains in my bootyhole. 250 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:48,346 Nope, no way. I'm a gyno, so I only look at the one hole. 251 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,232 -Come on, it's right there. -Out of my jurisdiction. 252 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:54,185 -It's, like, one inch away. -Nope, I'm the sheriff 253 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,821 of (cat meows)-town, and that's across the county line. 254 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,189 Pew, pew. 255 00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,741 (groans) 256 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,628 (belches, moans) 257 00:11:03,714 --> 00:11:05,296 -worth it. -(phone chimes) 258 00:11:05,382 --> 00:11:07,048 figgy: Hey, tooks, 259 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,550 I know you're busy repainting your apartment, 260 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,718 but I'm in your neighborhood. 261 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,803 Want me to bring you some pizza? 262 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:14,038 Aw. Tuca would love pizza. 263 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,725 Especially if she's been painting all day. 264 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,260 Yes, bring me pizza. 265 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,596 Heart emoji, tuca. 266 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,014 -Hey, bertie. -(shouts) 267 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,315 I just got a few more specialists to see, 268 00:11:24,401 --> 00:11:26,350 -then we can get out of here. -Okay. 269 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:28,103 Tuca's not painting her apartment. 270 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,821 Tuca's at the doctor. 271 00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,773 Oh, bertie stupid. 272 00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:34,359 -Figgy: Be there in five. -Eep! 273 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,894 (phone ringing) 274 00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:38,997 hello, my sweet, sweetie, sweet... 275 00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:40,582 Speckle! I don't have time to explain. 276 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,200 I need you to go upstairs to tuca's apartment 277 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,402 and pretend to be her. 278 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,204 I have no questions. 279 00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:51,009 Yoo-hoo! Hi! 280 00:11:51,094 --> 00:11:52,594 That's it, keep waving. 281 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,295 Now, when he rings the intercom, 282 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:57,348 tell him to leave the pizza in the lobby. 283 00:11:57,434 --> 00:12:00,468 -(buzzer sounds) -speckle: Hello, big boy. 284 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,303 Get up here and give me 285 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,972 a big kiss. 286 00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,424 No! Why would you do that? 287 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,860 I feel like that's what tuca would have said. 288 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,279 (buzzer sounds) 289 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,619 speckle: Come on in. 290 00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,037 Figgy: Hey, tooks. 291 00:12:19,122 --> 00:12:21,573 Whoa, what's all this? 292 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,958 Uh, I'm painting. 293 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,077 I-I'm covered in paint. 294 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,712 -Ugh... -(bertie whimpers) 295 00:12:27,798 --> 00:12:30,215 no problem, I can just leave the pizza here at the door, 296 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,950 but I would love to see your place when you're done. 297 00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,787 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds good, 298 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,955 barky boy. 299 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,841 Hey, that thing I said earlier about you being 300 00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:42,177 the first non-plant I've dated. 301 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:45,063 I feel like that came out sounding wrong. 302 00:12:45,148 --> 00:12:47,599 I just really like you. 303 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,484 -All of you. -Aw. 304 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:50,819 Aw. 305 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,303 Figgy: Anyways, I can see you're busy. 306 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:55,473 -I'll be on my way. -Uh, I'm not busy at all. 307 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,109 Tell me more of the things you like about me. 308 00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:01,279 Ask me personal questions about myself 309 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:04,365 -that only I would know. -No! 310 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,540 (groaning) 311 00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,467 I've had it! Enough! 312 00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:43,538 I've seen a urologist, a neurologist, a cloacologist. 313 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,057 All of you are experts on all these individual parts, 314 00:13:46,176 --> 00:13:49,310 but my body is a galaxy, not just one planet. 315 00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,513 Whatever is wrong with me is affecting 316 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,548 my entire body and mind. 317 00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:56,768 Isn't there someone here who can look at my whole being 318 00:13:56,886 --> 00:13:58,903 and connect all the parts? 319 00:13:59,022 --> 00:14:01,406 (melodic buzzing) 320 00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:04,409 ♪ we can't find the source of your distress ♪ 321 00:14:04,528 --> 00:14:07,228 ♪ what's your deal? It's anybody's guess ♪ 322 00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:10,098 ♪ though all your problems are physical and cyclical ♪ 323 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:14,619 ♪ have you considered that your brain could be atypical? ♪ 324 00:14:14,737 --> 00:14:17,589 ♪ it's hormones, it's anxiety ♪ 325 00:14:17,707 --> 00:14:20,675 ♪ your pelvis is a mystery ♪ 326 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:26,047 ♪ you could try losing ten pounds ♪ 327 00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:27,715 what? I don't need to lose weight. 328 00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:30,101 That's not my issue. 329 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:34,222 ♪ that's what we say to every patient and it never hurts ♪ 330 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,357 I think it does hurt. It's very harmful. 331 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,092 ♪ lost nine pounds? ♪ 332 00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:39,394 ♪ try one more ♪ 333 00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:40,979 ♪ lost 11 pounds? ♪ 334 00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:42,447 ♪ that's extra good ♪ 335 00:14:42,566 --> 00:14:45,233 ♪ lose six pounds, gain five more ♪ 336 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:48,620 ♪ everybody's got to have an equal score ♪ 337 00:14:48,738 --> 00:14:50,955 ♪ and the thing you most need to know ♪ 338 00:14:51,074 --> 00:14:54,826 ♪ aside from all the tests and diagnoses and vaccines ♪ 339 00:14:54,944 --> 00:14:56,744 yes? What is it? 340 00:14:56,830 --> 00:15:00,214 ♪ is this very important bit of info ♪ 341 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:04,335 ♪ listen up, I'll tell you now ♪ 342 00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:09,674 ♪ are you ready? ♪ 343 00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,476 ♪ I'm the queen ♪ 344 00:15:11,595 --> 00:15:13,227 -♪ I'm the queen ♪ -♪ I'm the queen ♪ 345 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:14,529 ♪ I'm the queen, I'm the queen ♪ 346 00:15:14,631 --> 00:15:19,233 ♪ queen, queen, queen, queen. ♪ 347 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,152 (all buzzing) 348 00:15:21,271 --> 00:15:23,988 shut up. This is a huge waste of time. 349 00:15:24,107 --> 00:15:26,407 All of you have terrible bedside manners, 350 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:27,859 you've been very unhelpful, 351 00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:29,994 and you all are extremely talented vocalists. 352 00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:31,245 And none of you should be doctors. 353 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,480 You all should have followed 354 00:15:32,582 --> 00:15:35,166 your performing arts dreams instead. 355 00:15:36,453 --> 00:15:38,653 Now, behold. I am your queen. 356 00:15:38,755 --> 00:15:40,788 (bees gasping, buzzing) 357 00:15:45,395 --> 00:15:46,844 whew, figgy's just left. 358 00:15:46,963 --> 00:15:48,129 We had a good chat. 359 00:15:48,231 --> 00:15:50,214 He seems kind of awesome. 360 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,767 Love him. (sighs) 361 00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:54,686 I can't wait for him to meet me. 362 00:15:54,804 --> 00:15:56,888 The real me. 363 00:15:57,006 --> 00:15:58,606 Bertie: So... 364 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,808 Are you gonna take off that costume now? 365 00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:03,478 Bertie, it took me a long time to get into character, 366 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,114 and it's gonna take me a long time to get out. 367 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,182 So I'm gonna go hit the clubs. 368 00:16:08,284 --> 00:16:10,785 (dance music playing) 369 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,036 (phone beeps) 370 00:16:12,155 --> 00:16:13,788 tuca: You all must obey my wishes! 371 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,022 Tuca? 372 00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:17,692 As your queen, I command you all 373 00:16:17,794 --> 00:16:19,160 to stop wasting my time 374 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,412 and just tell me what's wrong with me! 375 00:16:21,531 --> 00:16:23,297 Or else I'll have you all beheaded. 376 00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,049 Get it? Bee-headed? 377 00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:26,701 -Oh! Aah! -Tuca. 378 00:16:26,803 --> 00:16:29,504 We've got to get you to a real hospital. 379 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,205 You heard her, take your queen 380 00:16:31,307 --> 00:16:34,225 to a... (groaning) real hospital. 381 00:16:34,344 --> 00:16:36,060 ♪ ♪ 382 00:16:36,179 --> 00:16:38,396 (tuca moaning) 383 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,683 (bertie screaming) 384 00:16:44,821 --> 00:16:46,604 (insects trilling) 385 00:16:46,723 --> 00:16:49,273 okay, this is just a quick cat scan. 386 00:16:49,392 --> 00:16:51,125 Please don't sting me. 387 00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,444 (all buzzing) 388 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,831 (cat yowling) 389 00:16:58,668 --> 00:17:00,702 ♪ ♪ 390 00:17:21,758 --> 00:17:23,057 you. 391 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,942 How could you do that to tuca? 392 00:17:25,061 --> 00:17:26,394 Oh, right. 393 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,095 You're tuca's friend. 394 00:17:28,198 --> 00:17:29,614 Georgette? 395 00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:32,483 -Bertie. -Really? You look like a georgette to me. 396 00:17:32,602 --> 00:17:34,318 -I think I know my own name. -Huh. 397 00:17:34,437 --> 00:17:35,870 Then who's georgette? 398 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,622 Forget about georgette! 399 00:17:37,741 --> 00:17:39,490 Tuca was upset about you for months, 400 00:17:39,609 --> 00:17:42,543 and you just disappeared. I mean, who does that? 401 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,296 She was too much for me. I had to take care of myself. 402 00:17:45,415 --> 00:17:46,798 You know, tuca would never say this, 403 00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:49,801 because she has too much grace, but... Get bent. 404 00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:54,005 In the butt, (bleep, cat meows) and cloaca. 405 00:17:54,123 --> 00:17:55,790 I only have a cloaca. 406 00:17:55,892 --> 00:17:57,925 Why would I need three holes down there? 407 00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,294 Ooh, my name is kara. 408 00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:02,263 I'm so fancy. 409 00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:05,650 I do all my pee-pee poo-poos out of one hole. 410 00:18:05,769 --> 00:18:07,435 I've lost the thread on which one of us 411 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,854 is the weird one in this world. 412 00:18:09,972 --> 00:18:12,106 So those are the results. 413 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,141 If you have any follow-up questions, 414 00:18:14,244 --> 00:18:15,943 you can call this number. 415 00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:18,362 Okay. Thank you. 416 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,832 (groans) 417 00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:23,818 (sighs) 418 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,753 hey, auntie. 419 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,206 Tuca, you're visiting early today. 420 00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:31,542 Actually, I was here getting some tests, trying to figure out 421 00:18:31,661 --> 00:18:33,795 why I feel so bad each month. 422 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,681 For the first time, I thought maybe I could find an answer 423 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,966 and feel just a little bit better, you know? 424 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,434 I'll try anything. 425 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,136 I'll butt-chug celery juice at every meal. 426 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,304 I don't care. 427 00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:46,557 I just want to know what to do. 428 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,679 I have the same affliction, darling. 429 00:18:51,781 --> 00:18:52,864 (chuckles) 430 00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:54,699 maybe that's why I'm such a bitch. 431 00:18:54,818 --> 00:18:56,150 (chuckles) 432 00:18:56,236 --> 00:19:00,354 I never got any explanation other than my "mean uterus" 433 00:19:00,456 --> 00:19:02,790 and my "showoff-y ovaries." 434 00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,525 (inhales) 435 00:19:04,627 --> 00:19:06,911 good for you trying to take care of yourself. 436 00:19:07,029 --> 00:19:11,382 I gave up on finding an answer long, long ago. 437 00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:14,752 But have you thought about losing ten pounds? 438 00:19:14,871 --> 00:19:17,588 (both laugh) 439 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:19,891 hurry, hurry. 440 00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:22,143 Catch up to your family, blue beads. 441 00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:25,513 Stragglers die of exposure in the cold of night. 442 00:19:26,316 --> 00:19:27,732 Hey, how'd it go? 443 00:19:27,851 --> 00:19:30,384 All the tests came back normal or inconclusive. 444 00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:32,737 Aw, we could try a naturopath. 445 00:19:32,856 --> 00:19:35,072 An integrative holistic healer? 446 00:19:35,191 --> 00:19:37,108 Nah, bertie, I quit. 447 00:19:37,226 --> 00:19:39,577 This flare-up will end soon, and I'll feel fine 448 00:19:39,696 --> 00:19:42,530 for a few days or weeks until it comes back. 449 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,532 Right now, I just want to go home. 450 00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:47,418 Let's get out of here before we run into you-know-who. 451 00:19:47,537 --> 00:19:50,070 Okay. Hmm, are you gonna see figgy tonight? 452 00:19:50,173 --> 00:19:51,539 I don't know. 453 00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,375 I'm feeling more "I'm baby" hat than sombrero, 454 00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,010 if you know what I mean. 455 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,797 I don't, but, tuca, he seems like a great guy. 456 00:19:59,916 --> 00:20:02,383 You should tell him what's going on with you. 457 00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:04,719 I bet he'll be really cool with it. 458 00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:07,271 Also, here's your phone back. 459 00:20:07,390 --> 00:20:08,639 Don't look at your text history. 460 00:20:08,758 --> 00:20:10,524 Oh, I never look at my text history. 461 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,945 There's such a thing as too much tuca, even for tuca. 462 00:20:14,063 --> 00:20:16,263 (knocking) 463 00:20:16,366 --> 00:20:17,815 ta-da. 464 00:20:17,934 --> 00:20:19,951 ♪ ♪ 465 00:20:21,154 --> 00:20:22,937 it's perfect. 466 00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:24,322 How did you know? 467 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,990 You told me. 468 00:20:26,108 --> 00:20:27,541 Wow, the paint looks great. 469 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,961 It dried really fast, huh? 470 00:20:30,079 --> 00:20:32,413 Says me, figgy. 471 00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:35,750 Yeah, I guess maybe it did, says I, tuca. 472 00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,552 Listen, I have something to tell you. 473 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,838 I have this cyclical, chronic thing that flares up. 474 00:20:40,957 --> 00:20:43,975 It hurts a lot and makes me really depressed. 475 00:20:44,093 --> 00:20:46,510 It's like the smallest, most boring roller coaster, 476 00:20:46,629 --> 00:20:49,230 and I might be stuck on it for the rest of my life. 477 00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:51,632 But I want to be honest with you. 478 00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:54,435 I like all of you. 479 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,438 Every part of you put together, no matter whether those parts 480 00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:59,640 are feeling good or bad. 481 00:20:59,742 --> 00:21:03,277 Plus, we all have our weird body stuff. 482 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:06,280 I can even use the toilet in front of you, 483 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,982 if you really want. 484 00:21:08,084 --> 00:21:10,501 I must warn you, it'll be extremely painful for me. 485 00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:12,086 Lots of splinters. 486 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:15,039 -(tuca laughs) -also, I haven't really 487 00:21:15,157 --> 00:21:18,592 talked to you about this before, but since we are being frank, 488 00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,511 I drink a lot. 489 00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:22,663 I know you drink. It's not a big deal. 490 00:21:22,765 --> 00:21:25,466 Yeah, but it's a lot, more than you'd think. 491 00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:27,768 Really? Because I can think a ton. 492 00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:30,271 Okay, so maybe it is what you'd think. 493 00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,673 I feel too sick to go to horseville this weekend, 494 00:21:32,775 --> 00:21:34,475 but can we go another time? 495 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,193 I really want to go. 496 00:21:36,312 --> 00:21:38,345 ♪ ♪ 497 00:21:39,348 --> 00:21:43,451 ew! Why would you think this is what horseville is? 498 00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:46,904 Have you ever been to another city before? 499 00:21:47,023 --> 00:21:49,707 Mmm. Horseville. 500 00:21:49,826 --> 00:21:52,159 Of course. Horseville isn't going anywhere. 501 00:21:52,245 --> 00:21:53,878 It'll always be there. 502 00:21:53,997 --> 00:21:56,998 Like the great barrier reef and the glaciers and the moon. 503 00:21:58,334 --> 00:21:59,700 (tuca groans) 504 00:21:59,802 --> 00:22:01,836 why don't you get in bed? 505 00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:05,339 Can I make you a tea? 506 00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:07,224 Put on a show you'd like to watch? 507 00:22:07,343 --> 00:22:08,976 That would be really nice. 508 00:22:09,062 --> 00:22:11,378 I like caring for other people, you know? 509 00:22:11,481 --> 00:22:13,213 It makes me feel good. 510 00:22:13,316 --> 00:22:16,100 So don't worry about being too much for me. 511 00:22:17,070 --> 00:22:19,103 (sighs) 512 00:22:56,092 --> 00:22:58,125 ♪ ♪ 513 00:23:07,453 --> 00:23:08,619 pee-pee! 514 00:23:08,738 --> 00:23:11,271 (dogs barking)