1 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:06,004 Ugh. You again. 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,406 (groans) 3 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:10,875 Auntie, I feel all twisted up inside. 4 00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:14,212 Oh, honey, it's just your monthly room repaint. 5 00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:17,015 -What? -It's tomato time, baby. 6 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:21,420 Time to hop on your cotton pogo stick and go, go, go. 7 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,222 (chuckles) you're entertaining the butcher, 8 00:00:24,424 --> 00:00:26,759 And he's a natural redhead. 9 00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:29,694 You're shaking the devil's margarita. 10 00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:31,296 (laughs) 11 00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:33,498 Auntie, you don't make any sense. 12 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,034 It's just your period, baby. 13 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,836 But why does it hurt so bad? 14 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,371 Get used to it, doll. 15 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,307 Welcome to womanhood. 16 00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:45,544 Population: Shut up about it. 17 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,913 (school bell ringing) 18 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,448 (groans) 19 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:53,051 Ms. Peahen, please, can I go to the nurse? 20 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,319 Quit faking it, tuca. 21 00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:56,588 I know you didn't study for that test. 22 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,390 I was going to cheat, I swear. 23 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,359 (exhales) 24 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,928 Huh. 25 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:06,398 (whistles) 26 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,267 Ugh. My period is so annoying. 27 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,203 My cramps are killing me. 28 00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:14,539 Don't you hate how the pain is so bad, you barf... (shouts) 29 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,608 Then you black out, 30 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,343 Then you jolt back into consciousness 31 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:20,078 Only to curse out the gods that made you? 32 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,880 But no god would make such a beast. 33 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,416 Your body is an evolutionary joke, 34 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,618 And you were born to suffer. 35 00:01:26,821 --> 00:01:28,286 (panting) 36 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:31,023 -Tampon? -Ooh, that's way too small. 37 00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:33,291 Do you have a beach towel and a shop vac? 38 00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,426 (ducks quacking) 39 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,628 Hello, everyone. My name is... 40 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:39,231 (groans) tuca. 41 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:42,034 (vomits) 42 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:44,837 (vomiting continues) 43 00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:47,972 -Good tour. -Pretty good tour. 44 00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:49,974 ♪ tuca and bertie and tuca and bertie and bertie and tuca ♪ 45 00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:51,576 ♪ and tuca and bertie, tuca and bertie ♪ 46 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:53,345 ♪ tu-tu-tuca ♪ 47 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:55,980 -♪ tuca ♪ -♪ and bertie. ♪ 48 00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,350 (vocalizing) 49 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,657 So, how come you've never pooped while I'm over here? 50 00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,325 I want to watch you go. 51 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:08,727 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tuca, what? 52 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:12,531 Ew. You know I don't really do that, right? 53 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,199 -What? -Well, I try not to. 54 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:17,802 That's why I photosynthesize most of my nutrients. 55 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:21,406 You know, I did think your booty looked pristine. 56 00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:23,341 That's just a knot. 57 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,410 It's knot a bootyhole? 58 00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,011 You plants are freaky-squeaky clean. 59 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:29,214 Figgy: You're actually the first non-plant person 60 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,348 I've ever dated. 61 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,217 Your body is so interesting. 62 00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:36,688 So much goes in and comes out, and very little of it is oxygen. 63 00:02:36,691 --> 00:02:39,291 Yep, I'm just a big wet sack of bird meat. 64 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,495 Anyways, let's talk more about things going in and out. 65 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,364 Hey, I was thinking, 66 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,700 Maybe we could take a trip sometime. 67 00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:49,568 Have you ever been to horseville? 68 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:50,969 Horseville? 69 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,638 (horses neighing) 70 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,440 Welcome to horseville. 71 00:02:55,442 --> 00:03:00,079 Choose a horse, and you can ride it for your entire visit. 72 00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:03,448 Ha-har! 73 00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:05,850 (gasps) I've always wanted to go there. 74 00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:08,453 -Great. Want to go this weekend? -Hmm, let me see. 75 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:11,890 Hold on just un momento, por favor. 76 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:15,828 Oops. 77 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,798 I can't. Uh, I have to, um... 78 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,533 R-repaint my apartment. 79 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,401 (echoes): Well, we can go another time. 80 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,871 I was just trying to be fun and impulsive, like you. 81 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,742 (strains): Hormones shifting. 82 00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:32,344 -Do you need help painting? -(grunts) 83 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,346 No, I'm fine. 84 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,949 I need to go. I'll text you! 85 00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,951 (howling) 86 00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:42,087 Figgy: Okay, love you. (howling) 87 00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,289 (laughs) 88 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,358 (sighs) she's fun. 89 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,694 (barking) 90 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,699 (groans) 91 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,769 ♪ ♪ 92 00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:00,105 (whimpers) 93 00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:03,442 (sighs) 94 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,545 Being sick is so boring. 95 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:08,947 (grunting) 96 00:04:10,184 --> 00:04:11,784 (knocking on door) 97 00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:14,453 Bertie: Tuca, it's me. 98 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,689 I can't move, bertie. 99 00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,524 Are you okay? 100 00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:20,459 Do you still want to go to the salon 101 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:21,860 With the scary stylist? 102 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,395 You know, from the way he looks at me, 103 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,664 I can tell he wants to give me a ruthless makeover. 104 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,131 Ooh, am I tempted? 105 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,667 Am I intrigued by how he would transform me? 106 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,735 -Yes. -Bertie. 107 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,872 I'm stuck here in the dirt. I can't move. 108 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,475 -Are you having your monthly thingy? -Yes. 109 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,610 Do you want me to do the thing where I put my hands 110 00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:41,413 On your body and make sympathetic noises? 111 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,747 Yes. 112 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:47,752 Ah, ooh, I'm healing you. 113 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,822 It's not working, bertie. 114 00:04:49,824 --> 00:04:53,092 You should leave. I'm just sucking you down. 115 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,831 Bertie, quickly, escape while you still can. 116 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,366 Um, I'm fine. 117 00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:03,568 (groans) 118 00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:05,704 Tuca, you need to see a doctor. 119 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,172 I hate doctors. 120 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,441 They just want to collect my urine and sell it. 121 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,043 Piss is currency to them, bertie. 122 00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:13,378 Okay, but, uh, is this chronic thing 123 00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:16,181 Holding you back from doing stuff you want to do? 124 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,782 Figgy wants to take me to horseville. 125 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,251 I really want to go. 126 00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:23,055 I can picture it, and it's so beautiful, bertie. 127 00:05:23,057 --> 00:05:25,090 ♪ ♪ 128 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:31,063 Damn, that's messed up. 129 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,933 Horseville. Ouch! 130 00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:37,202 Well, that's a great reason to get fixed. 131 00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,604 You have health insurance from your work, right? 132 00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:41,940 Yeah, it covers everything at this place. 133 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,275 Great. 134 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,810 Bertie, no. I don't want to go. 135 00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:47,746 If you let me make an appointment, 136 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,348 I'll let you play with this glue. 137 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,285 I have to stop myself from putting it in my mouth. 138 00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:54,553 Don't do that. 139 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,955 -Maybe just one bite. -No, tuca. 140 00:05:56,957 --> 00:06:00,225 I have health insurance now. I can eat the glue. 141 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,097 Bertie, I don't need a doctor anymore. 142 00:06:05,099 --> 00:06:07,966 This website says if I give myself a celery juice enema, 143 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,235 -I'll be cured. -Tuca, you have to stop 144 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:12,837 Letting the internet tell you what to put up your butt. 145 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,173 -Never. -Tuca toucan? Right this way. 146 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,975 We just need to get a urine sample. 147 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:20,178 I knew it! Y'all want to collect my liquid gold right away. 148 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,582 -Cha-ching. -(laughs) that's ridiculous. 149 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,317 We only need it to assess your health. 150 00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:28,253 Very well, but I just know this lemonade's gonna end up 151 00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:32,324 On the yellow market for $58 an ounce. 152 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,060 (phone chimes, vibrates) 153 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,863 No, that's tuca's phone. 154 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,732 Mind your own business. 155 00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:42,300 (straining) 156 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:47,139 Figgy: Hey, tooks, I saw something that reminded me of you. 157 00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:49,474 Should I buy this for you, or is it too corny? 158 00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:50,943 (gasps) 159 00:06:50,945 --> 00:06:52,611 Bertie, we've been friends for over a decade. 160 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:55,747 So now it's time to show you my most prized possessions. 161 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:57,750 Okay. 162 00:06:57,952 --> 00:06:59,284 -Whoa! -Yeah! 163 00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:00,886 (shouting, screaming) 164 00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:08,627 I don't know what to say. 165 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:12,097 I've got a drummer, a guy on bass and a flautist. 166 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:15,367 If you look closely, his flute is just a smaller hot dog. 167 00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:18,903 Someday my collection will be complete. 168 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,173 Okay. How do we get out of here? 169 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:25,910 I love it. Get it for me. 170 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,580 This is tuca. 171 00:07:28,783 --> 00:07:31,183 Can you show me what your pain level has been like 172 00:07:31,185 --> 00:07:32,717 On this scale? 173 00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,252 Are the hats part of it? 174 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,188 Because I kind of feel like this one, 175 00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:38,723 But he's wearing a hat that says "I'm baby," 176 00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,458 And I don't think I'm baby. 177 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:41,926 So then don't point to that one. 178 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,996 Okay, well, if we're going off general vibe, 179 00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:46,799 -I guess this one. -Okay, so not that much pain. 180 00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,867 No, a lot of pain. 181 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,136 You pointed to a face with not that much pain. 182 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,538 There's nothing else I can do for you. 183 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:54,873 Cute beret, though. 184 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,408 But I feel allergic to my own hormones. 185 00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,010 I only have one week a month 186 00:07:58,212 --> 00:08:00,012 Where I don't feel like chopping off my lower body. 187 00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:03,115 -Does that sound normal to you? -Hmm. 188 00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:05,950 -Mm-mm-mm. -Look, 189 00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,552 Can you just give me a referral to a gyno? 190 00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:10,088 Sure, just fill out these ten pages of paperwork. 191 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,491 This is the same paperwork I already filled out. 192 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,826 Can you just talk to each other? 193 00:08:14,028 --> 00:08:15,828 Ever since our queen died, this whole hive 194 00:08:15,830 --> 00:08:17,095 Has suffered colony collapse. 195 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,497 We don't communicate at all 196 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,165 Because now everyone thinks they're the queen. 197 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:23,301 Which is crazy because obviously, I'm the queen. 198 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,437 -What? -Fill out these forms in triplicate. 199 00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,039 (groans) 200 00:08:27,241 --> 00:08:29,641 It's a long and treacherous way home, green beads, 201 00:08:29,844 --> 00:08:32,577 -But if you just follow this twisty road... -(phone chiming) 202 00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:34,713 ...You'll get there safely. 203 00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,581 Uhp! Stay the course, red beads. 204 00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:38,316 There is no free will. 205 00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:42,320 Thy destiny is but a single path of loopedy-loops. 206 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:43,588 (chiming) 207 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:44,923 (moans) 208 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,525 Figgy: I've been thinking about 209 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,126 Your ideas for bertie's birthday present. 210 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,461 Whoa. 211 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,197 -Figgy: The piñata full of spiders. -(shouts) 212 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,667 -A loaded gun. -Oh, no. 213 00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:57,269 -A limited-edition collection... -Ooh. 214 00:08:57,271 --> 00:08:59,271 -...Of loaded guns. -(groans) 215 00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:01,473 Based on what you've told me about bertie-- 216 00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:03,942 See footnotes for citations of her fear 217 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:07,279 Of spiders and firearms-- I wonder if she wouldn't like 218 00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:11,149 Something more along the lines of a really nice rolling pin. 219 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,418 Or perhaps a picnic? 220 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,620 (sighs) uh, I agree. 221 00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:18,490 Those are great ideas for bertie's birthday. 222 00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:21,426 Sincerely, tuca. 223 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,963 (sighs) okay, that's it. No more texting. 224 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,104 Should bertie get really into hats this year? 225 00:09:32,106 --> 00:09:35,774 How old is too old to be into boy bands? 226 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,042 How should bertie resolve her mommy issues? 227 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:41,113 Ooh, a-and also, her daddy issues? 228 00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:44,416 What's a six-letter word for "boundaries"? 229 00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:49,588 Should bertie get spicy chips or plain? 230 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:52,056 Figgy: Tooks, remember that time you ate the entire bag 231 00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:55,260 Of scorchin' hot gravel nuggets and they made you feel bad, 232 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,929 But then you said, "worth it"? 233 00:09:57,131 --> 00:09:58,597 Life is short. 234 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,800 Tell bertie to get the spicy chips if she wants them. 235 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,202 Damn, so heckin' wise. 236 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,539 I agree. Says me, tuca. 237 00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,543 -(phone chimes) -figgy: Glad I could help. 238 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,678 I am figgy. 239 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,948 -(buzzing) -(wheels creaking) 240 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:21,353 Okay, how many babies do you want? 241 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:24,022 Between 12 and 18, but that's not why I'm here today. 242 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,224 Well, this pain is in your pelvis, 243 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,560 So it might affect your fertility. 244 00:10:28,562 --> 00:10:31,163 No, ma'am. You're gonna fix whatever's happening in there, 245 00:10:31,365 --> 00:10:33,431 And then I'm going to have all my babies 246 00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:36,701 Without any complications the moment I'm ready. ¿comprende? 247 00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:40,105 Okay, then. I guess we'll cross that scary bridge 248 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,174 When we come to it. (laughs) 249 00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,643 I also get these stabbing pains in my bootyhole. 250 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,513 Nope, no way. I'm a gyno, so I only look at the one hole. 251 00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:51,516 -Come on, it's right there. -Out of my jurisdiction. 252 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:54,386 -It's, like, one inch away. -Nope, I'm the sheriff 253 00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:57,055 Of (cat meows)-town, and that's across the county line. 254 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:58,390 Pew, pew. 255 00:10:58,392 --> 00:10:59,858 (groans) 256 00:11:01,796 --> 00:11:03,862 (belches, moans) 257 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,397 -Worth it. -(phone chimes) 258 00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:07,332 Figgy: Hey, tooks, 259 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,733 I know you're busy repainting your apartment, 260 00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:09,868 But I'm in your neighborhood. 261 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,004 Want me to bring you some pizza? 262 00:11:12,006 --> 00:11:14,272 Aw. Tuca would love pizza. 263 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,875 Especially if she's been painting all day. 264 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,544 Yes, bring me pizza. 265 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,814 Heart emoji, tuca. 266 00:11:21,816 --> 00:11:23,215 -Hey, bertie. -(shouts) 267 00:11:23,217 --> 00:11:24,416 I just got a few more specialists to see, 268 00:11:24,618 --> 00:11:26,485 -Then we can get out of here. -Okay. 269 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:28,220 Tuca's not painting her apartment. 270 00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:30,022 Tuca's at the doctor. 271 00:11:30,024 --> 00:11:31,956 Oh, bertie stupid. 272 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:34,493 -Figgy: Be there in five. -Eep! 273 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,161 (phone ringing) 274 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:39,164 Hello, my sweet, sweetie, sweet... 275 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:40,765 Speckle! I don't have time to explain. 276 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,367 I need you to go upstairs to tuca's apartment 277 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,569 And pretend to be her. 278 00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,305 I have no questions. 279 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:51,176 Yoo-hoo! Hi! 280 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,777 That's it, keep waving. 281 00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,579 Now, when he rings the intercom, 282 00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:57,449 Tell him to leave the pizza in the lobby. 283 00:11:57,651 --> 00:12:00,719 -(buzzer sounds) -speckle: Hello, big boy. 284 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,587 Get up here and give me 285 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,122 A big kiss. 286 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:06,591 No! Why would you do that? 287 00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:09,061 I feel like that's what tuca would have said. 288 00:12:09,063 --> 00:12:11,397 (buzzer sounds) 289 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,802 Speckle: Come on in. 290 00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,204 Figgy: Hey, tooks. 291 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,674 Whoa, what's all this? 292 00:12:21,876 --> 00:12:24,076 Uh, I'm painting. 293 00:12:24,278 --> 00:12:26,278 I-I'm covered in paint. 294 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,946 -Ugh... -(bertie whimpers) 295 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,348 No problem, I can just leave the pizza here at the door, 296 00:12:30,551 --> 00:12:33,218 But I would love to see your place when you're done. 297 00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:35,888 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds good, 298 00:12:36,090 --> 00:12:38,223 Barky boy. 299 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,024 Hey, that thing I said earlier about you being 300 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,294 The first non-plant I've dated. 301 00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:45,230 I feel like that came out sounding wrong. 302 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,700 I just really like you. 303 00:12:47,902 --> 00:12:49,701 -All of you. -Aw. 304 00:12:49,704 --> 00:12:50,969 Aw. 305 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:52,504 Figgy: Anyways, I can see you're busy. 306 00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:55,640 -I'll be on my way. -Uh, I'm not busy at all. 307 00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:58,310 Tell me more of the things you like about me. 308 00:12:58,312 --> 00:13:01,446 Ask me personal questions about myself 309 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,483 -That only I would know. -No! 310 00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,621 (groaning) 311 00:13:18,766 --> 00:13:20,565 I've had it! Enough! 312 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:24,703 I've seen a urologist, a neurologist, a cloacologist. 313 00:13:24,705 --> 00:13:27,172 All of you are experts on all these individual parts, 314 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:30,442 But my body is a galaxy, not just one planet. 315 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,644 Whatever is wrong with me is affecting 316 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,713 My entire body and mind. 317 00:13:34,715 --> 00:13:37,983 Isn't there someone here who can look at my whole being 318 00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:40,051 And connect all the parts? 319 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,654 (melodic buzzing) 320 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,657 ♪ we can't find the source of your distress ♪ 321 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:48,459 ♪ what's your deal? It's anybody's guess ♪ 322 00:13:48,462 --> 00:13:51,196 ♪ though all your problems are physical and cyclical ♪ 323 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:55,867 ♪ have you considered that your brain could be atypical? ♪ 324 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,804 ♪ it's hormones, it's anxiety ♪ 325 00:13:58,806 --> 00:14:01,740 ♪ your pelvis is a mystery ♪ 326 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:07,278 ♪ you could try losing ten pounds ♪ 327 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,814 What? I don't need to lose weight. 328 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,216 That's not my issue. 329 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:15,420 ♪ that's what we say to every patient and it never hurts ♪ 330 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,489 I think it does hurt. It's very harmful. 331 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,158 ♪ lost nine pounds? ♪ 332 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,559 ♪ try one more ♪ 333 00:14:20,561 --> 00:14:22,161 ♪ lost 11 pounds? ♪ 334 00:14:22,163 --> 00:14:23,695 ♪ that's extra good ♪ 335 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,431 ♪ lose six pounds, gain five more ♪ 336 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:29,835 ♪ everybody's got to have an equal score ♪ 337 00:14:29,837 --> 00:14:32,103 ♪ and the thing you most need to know ♪ 338 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:36,041 ♪ aside from all the tests and diagnoses and vaccines ♪ 339 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,843 Yes? What is it? 340 00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:41,380 ♪ is this very important bit of info ♪ 341 00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:45,417 ♪ listen up, I'll tell you now ♪ 342 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,922 ♪ are you ready? ♪ 343 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,724 ♪ I'm the queen ♪ 344 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,393 -♪ I'm the queen ♪ -♪ I'm the queen ♪ 345 00:14:54,395 --> 00:14:55,594 ♪ I'm the queen, I'm the queen ♪ 346 00:14:55,796 --> 00:15:00,399 ♪ queen, queen, queen, queen. ♪ 347 00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:02,267 (all buzzing) 348 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,136 Shut up. This is a huge waste of time. 349 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,539 All of you have terrible bedside manners, 350 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,074 You've been very unhelpful, 351 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,142 And you all are extremely talented vocalists. 352 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,411 And none of you should be doctors. 353 00:15:12,413 --> 00:15:13,678 You all should have followed 354 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,248 Your performing arts dreams instead. 355 00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,818 Now, behold. I am your queen. 356 00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:21,854 (bees gasping, buzzing) 357 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,026 Whew, figgy's just left. 358 00:15:28,029 --> 00:15:29,360 We had a good chat. 359 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,362 He seems kind of awesome. 360 00:15:31,565 --> 00:15:33,832 Love him. (sighs) 361 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,901 I can't wait for him to meet me. 362 00:15:35,903 --> 00:15:38,103 The real me. 363 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,705 Bertie: So... 364 00:15:39,907 --> 00:15:41,907 Are you gonna take off that costume now? 365 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,643 Bertie, it took me a long time to get into character, 366 00:15:44,645 --> 00:15:47,312 And it's gonna take me a long time to get out. 367 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,248 So I'm gonna go hit the clubs. 368 00:15:49,450 --> 00:15:51,850 (dance music playing) 369 00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,184 (phone beeps) 370 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,853 Tuca: You all must obey my wishes! 371 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,121 Tuca? 372 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,857 As your queen, I command you all 373 00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:00,391 To stop wasting my time 374 00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,527 And just tell me what's wrong with me! 375 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,463 Or else I'll have you all beheaded. 376 00:16:04,465 --> 00:16:06,197 Get it? Bee-headed? 377 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,866 -Oh! Aah! -Tuca. 378 00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:10,669 We've got to get you to a real hospital. 379 00:16:10,671 --> 00:16:12,271 You heard her, take your queen 380 00:16:12,473 --> 00:16:15,340 To a... (groaning) real hospital. 381 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,208 ♪ ♪ 382 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,478 (tuca moaning) 383 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:22,748 (bertie screaming) 384 00:16:25,886 --> 00:16:27,686 (insects trilling) 385 00:16:27,888 --> 00:16:30,422 Okay, this is just a quick cat scan. 386 00:16:30,624 --> 00:16:32,291 Please don't sting me. 387 00:16:32,293 --> 00:16:34,526 (all buzzing) 388 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,896 (cat yowling) 389 00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:41,767 ♪ ♪ 390 00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:04,123 You. 391 00:17:04,325 --> 00:17:06,125 How could you do that to tuca? 392 00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:07,592 Oh, right. 393 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,194 You're tuca's friend. 394 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:10,862 Georgette? 395 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:13,598 -Bertie. -Really? You look like a georgette to me. 396 00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:15,467 -I think I know my own name. -Huh. 397 00:17:15,669 --> 00:17:16,935 Then who's georgette? 398 00:17:17,138 --> 00:17:18,870 Forget about georgette! 399 00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,605 Tuca was upset about you for months, 400 00:17:20,808 --> 00:17:23,675 And you just disappeared. I mean, who does that? 401 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,411 She was too much for me. I had to take care of myself. 402 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:28,013 You know, tuca would never say this, 403 00:17:28,015 --> 00:17:31,016 Because she has too much grace, but... Get bent. 404 00:17:31,018 --> 00:17:35,220 In the butt, (bleep, cat meows) and cloaca. 405 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,955 I only have a cloaca. 406 00:17:36,957 --> 00:17:39,024 Why would I need three holes down there? 407 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,360 Ooh, my name is kara. 408 00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:43,495 I'm so fancy. 409 00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:46,898 I do all my pee-pee poo-poos out of one hole. 410 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,633 I've lost the thread on which one of us 411 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,102 Is the weird one in this world. 412 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,172 So those are the results. 413 00:17:53,374 --> 00:17:55,240 If you have any follow-up questions, 414 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,042 You can call this number. 415 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,445 Okay. Thank you. 416 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,914 (groans) 417 00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:04,983 (sighs) 418 00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:06,852 Hey, auntie. 419 00:18:07,054 --> 00:18:09,388 Tuca, you're visiting early today. 420 00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:12,657 Actually, I was here getting some tests, trying to figure out 421 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:14,926 Why I feel so bad each month. 422 00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,929 For the first time, I thought maybe I could find an answer 423 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,065 And feel just a little bit better, you know? 424 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,600 I'll try anything. 425 00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,202 I'll butt-chug celery juice at every meal. 426 00:18:23,404 --> 00:18:24,536 I don't care. 427 00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:27,639 I just want to know what to do. 428 00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:32,878 I have the same affliction, darling. 429 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,079 (chuckles) 430 00:18:34,081 --> 00:18:35,947 Maybe that's why I'm such a bitch. 431 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,216 (chuckles) 432 00:18:37,418 --> 00:18:41,420 I never got any explanation other than my "mean uterus" 433 00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,889 And my "showoff-y ovaries." 434 00:18:44,091 --> 00:18:45,757 (inhales) 435 00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:48,159 Good for you trying to take care of yourself. 436 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:52,497 I gave up on finding an answer long, long ago. 437 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:55,834 But have you thought about losing ten pounds? 438 00:18:56,036 --> 00:18:58,671 (both laugh) 439 00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:01,106 Hurry, hurry. 440 00:19:01,108 --> 00:19:03,374 Catch up to your family, blue beads. 441 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:06,612 Stragglers die of exposure in the cold of night. 442 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,980 Hey, how'd it go? 443 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,450 All the tests came back normal or inconclusive. 444 00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:13,985 Aw, we could try a naturopath. 445 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:16,255 An integrative holistic healer? 446 00:19:16,257 --> 00:19:18,323 Nah, bertie, I quit. 447 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,659 This flare-up will end soon, and I'll feel fine 448 00:19:20,861 --> 00:19:23,728 For a few days or weeks until it comes back. 449 00:19:23,731 --> 00:19:25,730 Right now, I just want to go home. 450 00:19:25,733 --> 00:19:28,533 Let's get out of here before we run into you-know-who. 451 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,202 Okay. Hmm, are you gonna see figgy tonight? 452 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:32,737 I don't know. 453 00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:35,607 I'm feeling more "I'm baby" hat than sombrero, 454 00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:37,076 If you know what I mean. 455 00:19:37,278 --> 00:19:40,879 I don't, but, tuca, he seems like a great guy. 456 00:19:41,081 --> 00:19:43,615 You should tell him what's going on with you. 457 00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,784 I bet he'll be really cool with it. 458 00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:48,420 Also, here's your phone back. 459 00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:49,755 Don't look at your text history. 460 00:19:49,957 --> 00:19:51,690 Oh, I never look at my text history. 461 00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:55,160 There's such a thing as too much tuca, even for tuca. 462 00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:57,362 (knocking) 463 00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:58,897 Ta-da. 464 00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:01,033 ♪ ♪ 465 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,103 It's perfect. 466 00:20:04,105 --> 00:20:05,504 How did you know? 467 00:20:05,506 --> 00:20:07,238 You told me. 468 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,707 Wow, the paint looks great. 469 00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,176 It dried really fast, huh? 470 00:20:11,178 --> 00:20:13,645 Says me, figgy. 471 00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:16,915 Yeah, I guess maybe it did, says I, tuca. 472 00:20:16,917 --> 00:20:19,718 Listen, I have something to tell you. 473 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,920 I have this cyclical, chronic thing that flares up. 474 00:20:22,123 --> 00:20:25,190 It hurts a lot and makes me really depressed. 475 00:20:25,192 --> 00:20:27,659 It's like the smallest, most boring roller coaster, 476 00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:30,461 And I might be stuck on it for the rest of my life. 477 00:20:30,464 --> 00:20:32,864 But I want to be honest with you. 478 00:20:32,866 --> 00:20:35,667 I like all of you. 479 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,670 Every part of you put together, no matter whether those parts 480 00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,872 Are feeling good or bad. 481 00:20:40,874 --> 00:20:44,343 Plus, we all have our weird body stuff. 482 00:20:44,545 --> 00:20:47,346 I can even use the toilet in front of you, 483 00:20:47,548 --> 00:20:49,148 If you really want. 484 00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:51,616 I must warn you, it'll be extremely painful for me. 485 00:20:51,819 --> 00:20:53,152 Lots of splinters. 486 00:20:53,354 --> 00:20:56,287 -(tuca laughs) -also, I haven't really 487 00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:59,758 Talked to you about this before, but since we are being frank, 488 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,626 I drink a lot. 489 00:21:01,829 --> 00:21:03,895 I know you drink. It's not a big deal. 490 00:21:03,897 --> 00:21:06,698 Yeah, but it's a lot, more than you'd think. 491 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,900 Really? Because I can think a ton. 492 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,503 Okay, so maybe it is what you'd think. 493 00:21:11,505 --> 00:21:13,905 I feel too sick to go to horseville this weekend, 494 00:21:13,907 --> 00:21:15,707 But can we go another time? 495 00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:17,376 I really want to go. 496 00:21:17,378 --> 00:21:19,444 ♪ ♪ 497 00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:24,649 Ew! Why would you think this is what horseville is? 498 00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:27,986 Have you ever been to another city before? 499 00:21:28,189 --> 00:21:30,789 Mmm. Horseville. 500 00:21:30,991 --> 00:21:33,258 Of course. Horseville isn't going anywhere. 501 00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,126 It'll always be there. 502 00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:38,063 Like the great barrier reef and the glaciers and the moon. 503 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,932 (tuca groans) 504 00:21:40,934 --> 00:21:42,935 Why don't you get in bed? 505 00:21:43,871 --> 00:21:46,405 Can I make you a tea? 506 00:21:46,607 --> 00:21:48,407 Put on a show you'd like to watch? 507 00:21:48,409 --> 00:21:50,075 That would be really nice. 508 00:21:50,277 --> 00:21:52,477 I like caring for other people, you know? 509 00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:54,345 It makes me feel good. 510 00:21:54,548 --> 00:21:57,182 So don't worry about being too much for me. 511 00:21:58,285 --> 00:22:00,185 (sighs) 512 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,200 ♪ 513 00:22:37,258 --> 00:22:39,191 ♪ ♪ 514 00:22:48,602 --> 00:22:49,735 Pee-pee! 515 00:22:49,937 --> 00:22:52,604 (dogs barking)