1
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:03,635
♪ ♪
2
00:00:03,738 --> 00:00:05,938
(slurping sounds)
3
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:11,326
(whimpers)
4
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:12,995
oh...
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,249
(gasps)
6
00:00:17,334 --> 00:00:19,985
are you wearing my outfit?
7
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:23,372
Yes, we're twinsies.
Can we hang out all night?
8
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:27,126
Let's make up our own language
that only we know.
9
00:00:28,012 --> 00:00:30,546
-What's wrong?
-Are you mad at us?
10
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:34,133
Ugh. You're just so needy.
11
00:00:34,218 --> 00:00:36,268
(screams)
12
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,545
♪ tuca and bertie and tuca and
bertie and bertie and tuca ♪
13
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,347
♪ and tuca and bertie,
tuca and bertie ♪
14
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,065
♪ tu-tu-tuca ♪
15
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-♪ tuca ♪
-♪ and bertie. ♪
16
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(vocalizing)
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and the screech leeches
start to dress like you
18
00:01:02,213 --> 00:01:03,996
and then they suck
you dry and...
19
00:01:04,081 --> 00:01:06,832
They take over your life.
Oh, my god, I know.
20
00:01:06,917 --> 00:01:10,252
So good, so scary.
(exhales)
21
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but a lot of people
can't handle horror movies.
22
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Maybe you should skip this one?
23
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It's not just that it scares me.
24
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I was friends with the director
back in high school,
25
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and things didn't end well,
and, well, now I'm worried
26
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this movie is about me.
27
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Wait a minute, you were friends
with muriel nocturna?
28
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She's a friggin' genius.
29
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:36,328
I have two copies of cannibal
sex monkeys on blu-ray.
30
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Uh, dr. Joanne?
31
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Sorry, sorry, okay, putting
the therapy hat back on.
32
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Tell me what happened.
33
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I used to be
just like those leeches.
34
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Clingy and needy,
35
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,591
just a hardcore emotional
barnacle on muriel's ass.
36
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I can't even think about it
without cringing.
37
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Look: Not thinking about it,
38
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now I'm thinking about it.
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Ow.
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Bertie, I'm giving you homework.
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Reflect on this high school
experience with kindness.
42
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,641
Aww, homework? Do I have to?
43
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,777
Attagirl, get into
that teenage mindset.
44
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Now that's out of the way,
45
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could you sign
this poster for me?
46
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(device beeping)
47
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,986
where did you get
an x-ray machine?
48
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,372
Bertie, it was the wildest
heist you can imagine.
49
00:02:20,457 --> 00:02:23,158
It had disguises,
dodged bullets, helicopters,
50
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,943
a laser maze
that I sexily evaded
51
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:28,213
after I sexily seduced
a sexy security guard.
52
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-Hey, y'all. I'm taking it.
-I don't care.
53
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:34,052
Now I can finally figure out
what's wrong with me,
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without all those pesky medical
experts getting in the way.
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(beeps, whirring)
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00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,976
this stupid piece of junk.
57
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,180
-Huh?
-What's happening?
58
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,300
Oh, my god, I'm watching myself
bond with my brother.
59
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This is my favorite memory.
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00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,854
And I'm guessing
it's my brother's as well.
61
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,072
Huh. My therapy homework
this week
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00:02:54,158 --> 00:02:55,741
is to reflect
on some old memories.
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I wonder if we could use-- ow!
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00:02:57,528 --> 00:02:58,911
I'm three bonks ahead of you.
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Ow, ah. What the heck?
66
00:03:00,531 --> 00:03:03,665
Hold still for the medical
experiment, bertie.
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00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:09,121
Whoa. My parents
are driving me to school.
68
00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:10,706
I'm 15.
69
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:14,426
Man, I'd forgotten how tense and
awkward it felt in this space.
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And in this body.
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00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,680
Yeah, the vibe in here
is extremely off.
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00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,665
Okay, bertie, remember,
you're seeing
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00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,667
the school counselor
before class today.
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00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,603
-What?
-To talk about, you know,
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all of that unpleasantness.
76
00:03:27,191 --> 00:03:30,309
Have a good day, sweetie.
Good luck on your geometry quiz.
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I'm just such an idiot,
letting that happen to me
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at the jelly lakes,
a-and now I'm being a huge baby
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about something that happened
two summers ago.
80
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,455
Whoa. Heavy.
81
00:03:43,540 --> 00:03:46,358
(chuckles)
yikes. Uh...
82
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,660
Oh, my god, I'm trying
so hard to be kind to myself
83
00:03:48,746 --> 00:03:51,747
but it's like I-I keep getting
lost in these old emotions.
84
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It's not your fault, bertie.
85
00:03:53,217 --> 00:03:55,867
It's your teen brain
being all teeny.
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00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:58,921
Plus, look at this counselor.
She's younger than I am.
87
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:02,090
How was she allowed
to counsel wayward youths?
88
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:04,309
Um, I'm mostly here
to talk about your future.
89
00:04:04,395 --> 00:04:07,179
Yeah, that's why I had you
fill out this career test, okay.
90
00:04:07,264 --> 00:04:08,880
-Let's see.
-(computer chimes)
91
00:04:08,983 --> 00:04:11,733
ooh, you got
the best one: Astronaut.
92
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Damn it.
I want to be an astronaut.
93
00:04:14,772 --> 00:04:16,221
Just do what I did:
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00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:18,857
Lie about your age
and go to space camp, girl.
95
00:04:18,943 --> 00:04:21,076
(school bell rings)
96
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,195
that counselor sucked (bleep).
97
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,231
Ooh, look, look, look.
H-he's our class president.
98
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:29,167
A-and she's one of the most
popular girls in my grade.
99
00:04:29,253 --> 00:04:30,902
Bertie, I hate
to break it to you,
100
00:04:31,005 --> 00:04:32,537
but everyone here is a dork.
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00:04:32,623 --> 00:04:34,406
You went to a school for dorks.
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(gasps) I can't wait
to see my old friends.
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00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,094
Did I even tell them
what happened to me?
104
00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:40,912
Geez, I'm trying to remember.
105
00:04:41,015 --> 00:04:42,597
Ew, he did what to you?
106
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,967
Why would you even tell us
about that, you perv?
107
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:48,053
(chuckles) yeah, I guess
it was pretty random.
108
00:04:48,138 --> 00:04:50,422
Oh, right. I did tell them.
109
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You told me you'd never messed
around with a boy before.
110
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Well, it wasn't on purpose.
111
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,428
You've been lying to me.
112
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You promised we'd do all this
stuff on the same schedule.
113
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I didn't put
"hardcore make-out session"
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on my calendar
until senior year.
115
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Bertie, I hate
to break it to you,
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but everyone here is a bitch.
117
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You went to a school
for bitches.
118
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Right? I mean, can you believe
this is how they reacted
119
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to the literal worst thing
that ever happened to me?
120
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:15,998
What ever happened to them?
121
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Did they go pro or did
they stay amateur bitches?
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I actually apologized
incident a few years later,
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but it was in a way
that made it clear
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I didn't understand
what I'd done wrong.
125
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I'm in a wonderful marriage
with two beautiful children.
126
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I'm still mad
that bertie technically
127
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,096
got to third base before I did.
128
00:05:31,181 --> 00:05:33,398
I don't remember
this incident at all,
129
00:05:33,484 --> 00:05:35,633
but I actually did
go pro as a bitch.
130
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I make half a million a year
bitching for the majors.
131
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Can we stop talking
about bertie's gross summer?
132
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Instead, let's talk
about my awesome summer.
133
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I went up one and a half
cup sizes.
134
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-(giggling)
-oh, my god.
-Wow.
135
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,365
So big.
136
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,817
I have to go, um,
update my blog.
137
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(whimpers)
138
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(bertie crying)
139
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it's okay, baby bertie.
140
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This happened a long time ago.
141
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Bertie:
Yeah, but it also happened
142
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:08,100
two minutes ago,
and it feels so bad.
143
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♪ you put a spell on me... ♪
144
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bertie, this girl looks like
145
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,443
a bootleg supreme court justice.
146
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Oh, my god, she's here.
147
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,897
Don't be a leech.
Don't be a leech.
148
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Hey, are you okay?
149
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,485
I heard you crying
all the way in the art wing.
150
00:06:26,570 --> 00:06:28,537
You're actually the first person
I've found crying
151
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,322
-who wasn't a teacher.
-Hi. (chuckles)
152
00:06:30,407 --> 00:06:32,541
I'm just, uh,
going through some stuff,
153
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:35,026
but, like, not in a needy way.
154
00:06:35,129 --> 00:06:37,379
Talk to me about it.
I'm a great listener.
155
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,048
Uh... Okay, sure.
156
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,835
Is it boyfriend stuff?
Guys are the pits.
157
00:06:43,921 --> 00:06:45,537
I'd be happy
to curse a dude for you.
158
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,422
Not exactly.
159
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:48,840
Um...
160
00:06:48,926 --> 00:06:51,009
This thing happened to me,
and, uh...
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♪ ♪
162
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,647
hey, you've got thick calves.
163
00:06:55,732 --> 00:06:58,383
Are you interested in trying out
for the basketball team?
164
00:06:58,485 --> 00:06:59,518
You can see me?
165
00:06:59,603 --> 00:07:01,386
Of course.
You're the tallest kid here.
166
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:02,771
Think fast.
167
00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:04,055
(laughs)
168
00:07:04,158 --> 00:07:06,191
that's some rocket
you got on you.
169
00:07:06,276 --> 00:07:07,526
You know how to set a screen?
170
00:07:07,611 --> 00:07:10,728
Nope, but I'm good
at everything I try.
171
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,664
Muriel:
I know how you feel.
172
00:07:12,749 --> 00:07:15,450
I got goosed by our handsy
gardener a few years ago.
173
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:18,120
Then my parents pretended
like it never happened.
174
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,372
Oh, my god,
my parents did the same thing.
175
00:07:20,457 --> 00:07:22,073
They didn't want
to talk about it,
176
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:24,075
so they handed me off
to the guidance counselor.
177
00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:26,077
Miss hamhock?
She told me I'm gonna grow up
178
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,745
and run a ketchup factory.
179
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,080
Then she started crying because
180
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:31,516
she wants to run
a ketchup factory.
181
00:07:31,602 --> 00:07:33,135
She's hella gnarly.
182
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,520
Hey, would you ever
want to chill sometime?
183
00:07:35,606 --> 00:07:38,256
Yeah. I hella would.
184
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:41,309
Here's my number. Don't call
my house before 9:00 p.M.,
185
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:45,113
or my parents
will freak out. Nocturnal.
186
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,570
♪ you're the friend ♪
187
00:07:51,655 --> 00:07:53,622
♪ I need... ♪
188
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,991
(both laugh)
189
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,493
♪ indeed, you're a friend... ♪
190
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:01,296
oh, my god,
you have a crush on paul.
191
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,381
Shh, shh. He could hear you.
192
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,116
Okay, fine,
let's come up with a nickname,
193
00:08:05,219 --> 00:08:07,135
so we can talk about him
in front of people.
194
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,254
Let's call him... "apple,"
195
00:08:09,339 --> 00:08:10,788
because he likes apple juice.
196
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,591
Ooh, I like it.
197
00:08:12,676 --> 00:08:13,958
"ap-paul."
198
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,477
paul, for short.
199
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,462
That totally defeats
the purpose.
200
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:18,563
It's perfect.
201
00:08:18,649 --> 00:08:20,432
That's the guy
you're slobbering for?
202
00:08:20,517 --> 00:08:22,934
-He's a child.
-I know, I know.
203
00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:24,352
He's a baby.
204
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,605
I feel like I saw him
differently back then.
205
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:31,443
Oh... Those cheekbones.
206
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:35,146
(sighs) let's bounce and
go to cool subject.
207
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:37,749
-I need a new skirt.
-Okay.
208
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,874
I'm in here, like, once a week.
They have the best stuff.
209
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,325
It all looks so dangerous,
210
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,794
but in a safe way, for teens.
211
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,546
Speaking of danger...
212
00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:55,934
-W-what are you...
-You'd look so cute in this.
213
00:08:56,019 --> 00:08:57,385
Here, put it on,
214
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,355
then walk out the door
like everything's cool.
215
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:01,890
(panting)
216
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,041
whoo!
217
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,643
Oh, my god, oh, my god.
218
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:05,677
-(sighs)
-oh, what a rush.
219
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,062
(both laugh)
220
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,980
we could be twins.
221
00:09:09,066 --> 00:09:10,515
Oh...
222
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:12,784
(slurping)
223
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:14,953
(burps)
224
00:09:15,038 --> 00:09:16,354
(muriel and bertie laughing)
225
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,073
and that's how
the birds from europe
226
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,960
discovered america before the
birds that were already here.
227
00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:23,712
-Any questions?
-Ooh!
228
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:26,414
Why am I here?
I'm not part of this memory.
229
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,633
Go to the principal's office!
230
00:09:28,719 --> 00:09:29,751
(groans)
231
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,087
(muriel and bertie laughing)
232
00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:34,706
hey, I made this for you.
233
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,758
Really? For me?
234
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:39,261
Oh, it's no big deal,
just a couple bands I'm into.
235
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,263
I prefer cassettes to cds
because they're retro,
236
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,315
and they sound worse. It's cool.
237
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,184
Thanks. I-I'm gonna
listen to it right away.
238
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,722
♪ you're something new ♪
239
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,108
♪ cool ♪
240
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,827
♪ something that I never ♪
241
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:59,230
♪ dreamed I could know ♪
242
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,082
♪ whoa ♪
243
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,952
♪ I've never been so high ♪
244
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:05,253
♪ you make me feel alive ♪
245
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,289
♪ all from those serpent eyes ♪
246
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,442
♪ let's go no days without you ♪
247
00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:14,012
♪ you're something... ♪
248
00:10:14,097 --> 00:10:16,914
(british accent): Pip, pip,
I baked you a bitch cake.
249
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,183
(laughs)
250
00:10:18,268 --> 00:10:20,802
y-you'd better not bitch me out.
251
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:21,970
(laughs)
252
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:23,388
(british accent):
Hey, fetus mouse,
253
00:10:23,473 --> 00:10:25,724
I made you a hater pie.
254
00:10:25,809 --> 00:10:27,309
(laughs)
255
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,227
you look like a bomb-ass babe.
256
00:10:29,313 --> 00:10:30,779
I'm so glad you stole these.
257
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,831
(chuckles) thanks.
258
00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:37,118
-(door opens)
-hey, girls. Wow.
259
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,237
Bertie, where did you get
all those clothes?
260
00:10:39,323 --> 00:10:42,440
Mom! Please knock before
you enter my personal space.
261
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:43,941
I made you some snacks.
262
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,627
Beefy teens canned pasta.
263
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,445
-Ugh. (chuckles)
-anna: Bertie's
absolute favorite.
264
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,048
Mom, muriel is a vegetarian,
265
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:52,801
and... So am I.
266
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:55,286
Since when?
We had burgers just last night.
267
00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:56,888
I was scowling the whole time.
268
00:10:56,973 --> 00:10:59,224
Like, you don't think
that meant something?
269
00:10:59,309 --> 00:11:01,593
(british accent):
What are you, mental?
270
00:11:01,678 --> 00:11:02,510
(laughs)
271
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,596
okay, I'll leave you alone.
272
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:13,271
It was nice to meet
your new friend yesterday.
273
00:11:13,357 --> 00:11:14,823
I can't help but, uh,
274
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:17,158
notice that you're
starting to resemble
275
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,494
-this new girl a little bit?
-Yeah, so?
276
00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:21,529
I like this stuff.
I look hella cool.
277
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,666
I just want to make sure you're
not losing your sense of self.
278
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,485
I know sometimes you can
get into trouble
279
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,654
throwing yourself
into the deep end.
280
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:33,208
Oh, so now you care about me
and what I'm going through?
281
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,844
Of course I care,
don't be silly.
282
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:37,379
Now, about this new look,
283
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,330
are you a satanist? I saw this
284
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:41,883
-story on the news about
a group of satanists...
-(grunting)
285
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:42,934
...Who donated
286
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:44,436
to a charity, and I thought,
287
00:11:44,521 --> 00:11:46,304
"is my daughter a satanist?"
288
00:11:46,390 --> 00:11:48,890
mom, what are you
even talking about?
289
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:51,393
Why don't you just send me back
to the school counselor
290
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:54,646
like you do whenever there's
a problem, apparently?
291
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,565
Good luck on your
geometry quiz, honey.
292
00:12:01,738 --> 00:12:03,905
Janelle, don't you take that
from melissa.
293
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:07,492
Belinda, get over here and help
janelle beat melissa's ass.
294
00:12:07,577 --> 00:12:09,577
Oh, hey, bertie,
how's your memories going?
295
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:11,996
Uh, my mom is so awkward.
296
00:12:12,082 --> 00:12:14,565
She doesn't understand
true friendship.
297
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,501
She called me a copycat.
298
00:12:16,586 --> 00:12:19,421
Don't you mean a copy-bat?
(laughs)
299
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:23,041
♪ you put a spell on me... ♪
300
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:28,346
whoa, she drinks coffee?
That's so cool.
301
00:12:28,432 --> 00:12:30,098
I-I'm gonna start
drinking coffee.
302
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,683
Bertie, stop tripping.
303
00:12:31,768 --> 00:12:33,351
If she drank coffee
off a bridge,
304
00:12:33,437 --> 00:12:35,220
would you drink coffee
after her?
305
00:12:35,305 --> 00:12:37,021
-Think about it.
-Muriel!
306
00:12:37,107 --> 00:12:38,422
Over here.
307
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:42,426
Wow, some people really
lose themselves in fantasies.
308
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,563
Welp, back to basketball.
309
00:12:45,649 --> 00:12:48,316
So... Did you
call paul last night
310
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,868
-like I dared you to?
-(laughs)
311
00:12:49,953 --> 00:12:51,703
yeah, but, uh, you know,
I was so nervous
312
00:12:51,788 --> 00:12:53,872
I just cussed into the phone
and hung up.
313
00:12:53,957 --> 00:12:54,989
I said, "ass."
314
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,825
so, once you do finally
hook up with him,
315
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,294
what're you guys gonna do?
Are you gonna tongue kiss?
316
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:00,995
-Touch butts?
-I don't know.
317
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,248
I-I'm kind of scared
of that stuff.
318
00:13:03,333 --> 00:13:05,216
Are you scared right now?
319
00:13:05,302 --> 00:13:07,218
No...
320
00:13:08,472 --> 00:13:10,138
Mm?
321
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:12,841
-(heart beating)
-mm. Mm.
322
00:13:13,643 --> 00:13:15,677
-Mm.
-Mm.
323
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,012
I'm gonna be late
for chemistry again.
324
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,097
See you later.
325
00:13:19,182 --> 00:13:20,815
Well, what do you
want to do after school?
326
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,466
You want to go to the diner
and get crinkle fries?
327
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,652
-(school bell rings)
-or we could just
go to my house
328
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,304
and make out in my room
all afternoon?
329
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,822
(laughs) just kidding.
330
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,408
Oh, actually, I was gonna
go to the mall with jessica.
331
00:13:30,494 --> 00:13:31,776
Maybe I'll see you later?
332
00:13:31,862 --> 00:13:33,978
(stammers) well,
not-not if I see you first.
333
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,247
I mean, you will
also see me later,
334
00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:39,200
if I see you first. I-I'm not
going to, like, murder you.
335
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,785
(laughs) but, seriously,
336
00:13:40,871 --> 00:13:42,453
I'm-I'm not gonna murder you.
337
00:13:42,539 --> 00:13:44,372
Okay.
338
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,341
But...
339
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:49,093
The mall was our place.
340
00:13:50,881 --> 00:13:53,765
So then, I asked kevin
if he thought lydia was pretty,
341
00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:56,718
and you'll never believe
what he said. It was so sick.
342
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,720
He said, "yes,"
343
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,671
and I was like, "um,
344
00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:03,107
pervert much?"
345
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,229
mm.
346
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,851
Dude! Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
347
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,737
No, I just missed you.
Anyways, last night,
348
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,705
after you didn't answer
any of my 17 calls,
349
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,157
and the machine ran out of tape,
350
00:14:19,242 --> 00:14:21,242
I channeled all of that energy
into this mix
351
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,627
I made for you.
352
00:14:22,712 --> 00:14:25,163
You put "nearer"
by ten inch talons on here?
353
00:14:25,248 --> 00:14:27,531
You didn't even like
warehouse murder party music
354
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:28,883
until I told you about them.
355
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,170
Well, I love it now.
Wait, are you mad at me?
356
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,557
No.
357
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,927
(slurping noise)
358
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:45,817
(groans)
359
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,938
hey, watch this.
360
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,823
(laughter)
361
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,943
what are you doing?
Today's chicken nugget day,
362
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:58,112
and I know how much you love
your processed meat wads.
363
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,248
Nuh-uh, I love tofu.
364
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:01,833
Bertie, stop lying.
365
00:15:01,918 --> 00:15:04,586
You told me tofu
makes you want to cry.
366
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:07,005
I love tofu so much.
367
00:15:07,090 --> 00:15:09,958
I could eat it at every meal.
368
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,710
Yum.
369
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:14,095
(bell rings)
370
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,547
the main causes
of the bird civil war
371
00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:18,883
were the economy
and bird states' rights.
372
00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:21,219
Can anyone tell me
when the war started?
373
00:15:21,304 --> 00:15:23,805
-(groans) snoozapalooza.
-History teacher: Anyone?
374
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,473
No?
-(laughs)
375
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,058
history teacher:
Okay.
376
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:30,094
Can anyone tell me when
the battle of the giant cats
377
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:31,229
happened?
378
00:15:31,314 --> 00:15:33,731
Come on, guys,
it was only 40 years ago,
379
00:15:33,817 --> 00:15:36,434
and some of us
still hold grudges.
380
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,703
Now, next week, I want
381
00:15:38,788 --> 00:15:40,104
everybody to be prepared,
382
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,240
we're gonna be talking
about the emu wars.
383
00:15:42,325 --> 00:15:44,475
(slurping noise)
384
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,794
(crying)
385
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,214
-(screams)
-smile for the yearbook.
386
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,301
What? I'm not feeling
photogenic right now.
387
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:54,335
Could you please stop?
388
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,054
No way. Nobody's invented
389
00:15:56,139 --> 00:15:58,723
the concept of asking
for permission yet.
390
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,261
(cheering)
391
00:16:03,346 --> 00:16:04,979
okay, coach, I'm gonna do
392
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,630
some lay-'em-ups
and some dribble-'em-downs.
393
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,567
And then I'm gonna pick
the old pumpkin from the patch,
394
00:16:09,653 --> 00:16:13,021
and then I'm gonna put
the basketball in the basket.
395
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,689
-Sound good?
-You're a pro.
396
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,158
And one more thing. You know
I'm not in high school, right?
397
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,610
-I'm in my 30s.
-Listen to me,
you piece of shit.
398
00:16:19,696 --> 00:16:21,479
I only care about one thing:
Winning.
399
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:24,365
So go out there and score me
as many points as you can
400
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:27,752
-before you hit menopause, okay?
-Yes, coach.
401
00:16:27,837 --> 00:16:29,153
Hey, muriel.
402
00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:31,189
Yeah, I'm here ironically, too.
(chuckles)
403
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:32,874
(english accent):
Pip-pip. Fetus mouse
404
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,326
is ready to watch
some b-ball, huh?
405
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:38,829
(laughs, groans)
406
00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:40,898
♪ left, right,
love the feeling ♪
407
00:16:40,984 --> 00:16:42,400
♪ there's no one else I love ♪
408
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,052
♪ left, right,
love the feeling ♪
409
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,636
♪ there's no one else I love ♪
410
00:16:45,722 --> 00:16:47,438
-♪ left. ♪
-(audience gasps, exclaims)
411
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,806
huh?
412
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,476
Where did all these yearbooks
come from?
413
00:16:51,561 --> 00:16:54,062
Well, that's how memory works.
414
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,647
It composites things
in a strange way,
415
00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:58,149
and it's often inaccurate.
416
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:01,185
For example, there was never
a goat here at all.
417
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:05,156
I'm just a model
you saw in a catalog once.
418
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:09,660
-You won gothiest?
-I did?
419
00:17:10,747 --> 00:17:12,863
I didn't mean to. I didn't know!
420
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:14,632
How could you do this?
421
00:17:14,718 --> 00:17:16,867
Muriel,
I-I swear it was a mistake.
422
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,836
What the hell
are you even doing, stalker?
423
00:17:18,922 --> 00:17:20,588
Your favorite color is pink.
424
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,974
That's not true. I-I'm goth.
425
00:17:23,059 --> 00:17:26,094
You like rom-coms and boy bands.
426
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,396
(voice breaking):
Why are you being like this?
427
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,064
You're my best friend.
428
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,683
Bertie, look,
I let you hang around
429
00:17:32,769 --> 00:17:34,068
because I felt bad for you.
430
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,886
You're not my best friend.
431
00:17:35,989 --> 00:17:37,889
-That's jessica.
-(jessica buzzes)
432
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:39,223
we weren't talking for a month,
433
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:40,992
but now
we're best friends again.
434
00:17:41,077 --> 00:17:43,745
But... You kissed me.
435
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,729
Yeah. I was just messing around.
436
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,750
We're not really friends
437
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,169
at all.
438
00:17:51,254 --> 00:17:53,438
-(bertie crying)
-time out.
439
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,106
-(whistle blows)
-tuca.
440
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,708
There's one second on the clock,
and we need one point to win.
441
00:17:57,811 --> 00:17:59,260
Do it for melissa and janelle.
442
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,546
Do if for belinda
and the promise you made
443
00:18:01,631 --> 00:18:03,798
before she succumbed
to her curling iron burns.
444
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,384
You can do it!
Take it to the hole!
445
00:18:06,469 --> 00:18:07,802
I know I can, but I won't.
446
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,804
I got to go help my best friend.
447
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,256
(audience groans)
448
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,775
(grunts)
449
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:16,110
(grunting)
450
00:18:18,031 --> 00:18:21,966
(crying):
I'm too much of a loser to live.
451
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:24,118
Bertie, don't let a little girl
452
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,454
whose brain
isn't even fully developed yet
453
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,789
make you cry.
454
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:29,207
Nobody in the entire world
455
00:18:29,292 --> 00:18:31,826
has ever felt
this heartbroken before.
456
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,744
I am the queen of pain.
457
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:35,046
Aw, man.
458
00:18:35,131 --> 00:18:36,464
You are just tits-deep
in teendom.
459
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,416
How about we just get you
some ice cream?
460
00:18:38,501 --> 00:18:40,468
-(bertie grunting)
-would that
make you feel better?
461
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:43,120
No. I'm not a baby.
462
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,755
I don't want ice cream.
463
00:18:44,841 --> 00:18:47,625
Do you want me to break out
and gain a thousand pounds?
464
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:51,429
-That's it! We're
turning this memory around.
-(screams)
465
00:18:51,514 --> 00:18:54,849
I said I don't want to!
466
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,902
Oh. Actually,
I would love some ice cream.
467
00:18:57,987 --> 00:18:59,937
Let me just take a lactose pill.
468
00:19:00,023 --> 00:19:01,639
Welcome back
to your creaky adult body
469
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:03,274
that can't digest anything.
470
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,610
Ooh! Oh, man.
I'm sorry I was such a mess.
471
00:19:05,695 --> 00:19:09,697
It's crazy that I never got any
resolution with muriel at all.
472
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,499
You still can.
There's a screening
473
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:12,783
of the screech leeches,
474
00:19:12,869 --> 00:19:14,202
and the director's
gonna be there.
475
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,254
Want to put on some eyeliner
and black dresses
476
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,356
and go
scare the shit out of her?
477
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:19,624
I got two tickets.
478
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,125
When did you get the tickets?
479
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:24,178
I got them before.
The movie looked good as hell.
480
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,597
Not everything is about you,
bertie.
481
00:19:26,683 --> 00:19:28,466
-(suspenseful music playing)
-(groaning)
482
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,053
(panting)
483
00:19:32,889 --> 00:19:34,838
(grunts)
we did it.
484
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,057
We escaped the leeches.
485
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,558
We're finally safe.
486
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,611
Woman:
I was about to say
the same thing.
487
00:19:40,697 --> 00:19:42,730
No. No!
488
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,399
-(laughing)
-(snarling)
489
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:53,157
whoo-hoo! Bravo!
490
00:19:53,243 --> 00:19:55,960
Oh, got to pee.
Excuse me, sir. Got to pee.
491
00:19:56,045 --> 00:19:57,695
-Ooh.
-Mm, I liked it.
492
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,864
Almost as good
as her last movie, smug bugs.
493
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,500
(chuckles):
Uh, thank you all
494
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,835
for coming to see
the screech leeches.
495
00:20:04,938 --> 00:20:06,503
We have
a very special guest tonight.
496
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:10,775
(chuckles): Here's the director,
muriel nocturna.
497
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:13,010
(applause)
498
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,546
thanks, everyone.
499
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,648
I'll do a quick q and a now
500
00:20:17,734 --> 00:20:19,767
if any of you want to... Oh.
501
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,019
Yes! Uh, hi, muriel.
It's me, bertie.
502
00:20:22,105 --> 00:20:23,237
I actually have
more of a comment
503
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:25,273
-than a question.
-(audience groans)
504
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,725
I just wanted to say
I-I-I'm sorry
505
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,893
I was such a leech
when we were in high school.
506
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,196
I-I suffocated you
with my uncoolness.
507
00:20:32,282 --> 00:20:34,115
An uncoolness I've outgrown,
508
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,734
and I'm actually
pretty cool now.
509
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,235
And I'm sorry I won gothiest,
510
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:41,122
which obviously caused
such a lasting damage
511
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,741
that you had no choice
but to work out your feelings
512
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,843
in this movie, that, frankly,
513
00:20:45,929 --> 00:20:47,845
was really disturbing,
514
00:20:47,931 --> 00:20:49,246
and I worry
about the mental state
515
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,632
of anyone who would enjoy
something so scary.
516
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,102
Never mind.
I just wanted to apologize,
517
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:58,105
and it's okay if you want to...
518
00:20:58,224 --> 00:20:59,273
(english accent):
...Bitch me out,
519
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:02,593
titty guv'nor.
(laughs)
520
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:05,112
uh... Oh.
521
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:08,265
Uh, the movie
isn't about you at all,
522
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:09,817
so...
523
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,702
-What?
-It's about my kid.
524
00:21:11,788 --> 00:21:15,289
He's so needy,
and he's always copying me.
525
00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:18,125
Aah! Stop jocking me, creep.
526
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:19,827
Get your own nose.
527
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,247
Ugh. Anyways, who's next?
528
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,000
Hi. Can you make my movie?
529
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,118
I'm a man.
530
00:21:28,221 --> 00:21:30,805
Oof. That was rough.
531
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:32,757
I'm still a freak, I guess.
532
00:21:32,842 --> 00:21:34,342
Bertie, you weren't a freak.
533
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:36,560
You were a high school girl
with too many
534
00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:38,962
complicated, sloppy, wet,
high school feelings
535
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:40,348
to know what to do with.
536
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:43,267
Be kind to that creepy
little baby bertie.
537
00:21:43,353 --> 00:21:45,569
She creeped her way
into my heart.
538
00:21:45,655 --> 00:21:48,806
Aw. I'm your heartworm.
539
00:21:48,908 --> 00:21:50,908
Now, when are you gonna start
dressing like me, huh?
540
00:21:50,994 --> 00:21:54,161
(chuckles) I've been begging you
to wear short shorts for years.
541
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,497
(laughs)
oh, tuca.
542
00:21:56,616 --> 00:21:58,499
I want to make you over
to be a little, mini tuca.
543
00:21:58,618 --> 00:22:01,318
You'd be so cute. You're
gonna need beak extensions
544
00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:03,204
and ass-shaking lessons,
though. Ooh!
545
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,955
And some vocal coaching
546
00:22:05,041 --> 00:22:06,990
so you can...
(caws)
547
00:22:07,093 --> 00:22:09,677
-try it.
-(bertie caws)
548
00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:12,830
tuca:
Yep, we've got
a lot of work to do.
549
00:22:13,199 --> 00:22:15,883
Ovie ♪
550
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:19,553
♪ was not about me ♪
551
00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,725
♪ your movie ♪
552
00:22:25,561 --> 00:22:29,313
♪ was about someone else. ♪
553
00:22:45,548 --> 00:22:48,999
paul:
Uh, no. Bad idea.
554
00:22:49,836 --> 00:22:51,919
(slurps)
555
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,638
(dogs barking)