1 00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,797 (electricity buzzing) 2 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,382 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,551 (slurping sounds) 4 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:15,056 (whimpers) 5 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,599 Oh... 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,812 (gasps) 7 00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:23,606 Are you wearing my outfit? 8 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:27,110 Yes, we're twinsies. Can we hang out all night? 9 00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:30,739 Let's make up our own language that only we know. 10 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,242 -What's wrong? -Are you mad at us? 11 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:37,787 Ugh. You're just so needy. 12 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,914 (screams) 13 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,300 ♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪ 14 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,968 ♪ And Tuca and Bertie, Tuca and Bertie ♪ 15 00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:53,678 ♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪ 16 00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,473 -♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie. ♪ 17 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,683 (vocalizing) 18 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,857 And the screech leeches start to dress like you 19 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,650 and then they suck you dry and... 20 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:10,528 They take over your life. Oh, my God, I know. 21 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,990 So good, so scary. (exhales) 22 00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:16,534 But a lot of people can't handle horror movies. 23 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,828 Maybe you should skip this one? 24 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,789 It's not just that it scares me. 25 00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:24,542 I was friends with the director back in high school, 26 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,003 and things didn't end well, and, well, now I'm worried 27 00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:29,756 this movie is about me. 28 00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:33,760 Wait a minute, you were friends with Muriel Nocturna? 29 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,678 She's a friggin' genius. 30 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:39,974 I have two copies of Cannibal Sex Monkeys on Blu-ray. 31 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,684 Uh, Dr. Joanne? 32 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,897 Sorry, sorry, okay, putting the therapy hat back on. 33 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,315 Tell me what happened. 34 00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,150 I used to be just like those leeches. 35 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,527 Clingy and needy, 36 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:53,154 just a hardcore emotional barnacle on Muriel's ass. 37 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,198 I can't even think about it without cringing. 38 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,700 Look: not thinking about it, 39 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,619 now I'm thinking about it. 40 00:01:59,702 --> 00:02:00,870 Ow. 41 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,413 Bertie, I'm giving you homework. 42 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:06,918 Reflect on this high school experience with kindness. 43 00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:09,212 Aww, homework? Do I have to? 44 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,507 Attagirl, get into that teenage mindset. 45 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:13,967 Now that's out of the way, 46 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:17,762 could you sign this poster for me? 47 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,556 (device beeping) 48 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,599 Where did you get an X-ray machine? 49 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,102 Bertie, it was the wildest heist you can imagine. 50 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:26,896 It had disguises, dodged bullets, helicopters, 51 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,565 a laser maze that I sexily evaded 52 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,901 after I sexily seduced a sexy security guard. 53 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,280 -Hey, y'all. I'm taking it. -I don't care. 54 00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:37,615 Now I can finally figure out what's wrong with me, 55 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,077 without all those pesky medical experts getting in the way. 56 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,537 (beeps, whirring) 57 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,539 This stupid piece of junk. 58 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:48,835 -Huh? -What's happening? 59 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:51,838 Oh, my God, I'm watching myself bond with my brother. 60 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,256 This is my favorite memory. 61 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,550 And I'm guessing it's my brother's as well. 62 00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:57,760 Huh. My therapy homework this week 63 00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,387 is to reflect on some old memories. 64 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,014 I wonder if we could use-- Ow! 65 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,640 I'm three bonks ahead of you. 66 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,183 Ow, ah. What the heck? 67 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,145 Hold still for the medical experiment, Bertie. 68 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,692 Whoa. My parents are driving me to school. 69 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,444 I'm 15. 70 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:18,072 Man, I'd forgotten how tense and awkward it felt in this space. 71 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,116 And in this body. 72 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,285 Yeah, the vibe in here is extremely off. 73 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,203 Okay, Bertie, remember, you're seeing 74 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,289 the school counselor before class today. 75 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,207 -What? -To talk about, you know, 76 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,710 all of that unpleasantness. 77 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:33,922 Have a good day, sweetie. Good luck on your geometry quiz. 78 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,344 I'm just such an idiot, letting that happen to me 79 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:42,639 at the Jelly Lakes, a-and now I'm being a huge baby 80 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:45,642 about something that happened two summers ago. 81 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,018 Whoa. Heavy. 82 00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:50,021 (chuckles) Yikes. Uh... 83 00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:52,357 Oh, my God, I'm trying so hard to be kind to myself 84 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,401 but it's like I-I keep getting lost in these old emotions. 85 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,819 It's not your fault, Bertie. 86 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,405 It's your teen brain being all teeny. 87 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:02,492 Plus, look at this counselor. She's younger than I am. 88 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,745 How was she allowed to counsel wayward youths? 89 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,956 Um, I'm mostly here to talk about your future. 90 00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,875 Yeah, that's why I had you fill out this career test, okay. 91 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,502 -Let's see. -(computer chimes) 92 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:15,338 Ooh, you got the best one: astronaut. 93 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,341 Damn it. I want to be an astronaut. 94 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:19,842 Just do what I did: 95 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,553 lie about your age and go to space camp, girl. 96 00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,847 (school bell rings) 97 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,849 That counselor sucked balls. 98 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,852 Ooh, look, look, look. H-He's our class president. 99 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,855 A-And she's one of the most popular girls in my grade. 100 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,565 Bertie, I hate to break it to you, 101 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,109 but everyone here is a dork. 102 00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,111 You went to a school for dorks. 103 00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,530 (gasps) I can't wait to see my old friends. 104 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,824 Did I even tell them what happened to me? 105 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,617 Geez, I'm trying to remember. 106 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,369 Ew, he did what to you? 107 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,579 Why would you even tell us about that, you perv? 108 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,749 (chuckles) Yeah, I guess it was pretty random. 109 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,085 Oh, right. I did tell them. 110 00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:56,879 You told me you'd never messed around with a boy before. 111 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,423 Well, it wasn't on purpose. 112 00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,049 You've been lying to me. 113 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,218 You promised we'd do all this stuff on the same schedule. 114 00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,220 I didn't put "hardcore make-out session" 115 00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,848 on my calendar until senior year. 116 00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,558 Bertie, I hate to break it to you, 117 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,268 but everyone here is a bitch. 118 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,311 You went to a school for bitches. 119 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,897 Right? I mean, can you believe this is how they reacted 120 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,067 to the literal worst thing that ever happened to me? 121 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,569 What ever happened to them? 122 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,821 Did they go pro or did they stay amateur bitches? 123 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:23,948 I actually apologized incident a few years later, 124 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,408 but it was in a way that made it clear 125 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,160 I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. 126 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:30,204 I'm in a wonderful marriage with two beautiful children. 127 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,498 I'm still mad that Bertie technically 128 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,751 got to third base before I did. 129 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,086 I don't remember this incident at all, 130 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,380 but I actually did go pro as a bitch. 131 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,383 I make half a million a year bitching for the majors. 132 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,636 Can we stop talking about Bertie's gross summer? 133 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,015 Instead, let's talk about my awesome summer. 134 00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,100 I went up one and a half cup sizes. 135 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,977 -(giggling) -Oh, my God. -Wow. 136 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,103 So big. 137 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,522 I have to go, um, update my blog. 138 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,108 (whimpers) 139 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,319 (Bertie crying) 140 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,197 It's okay, baby Bertie. 141 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,948 This happened a long time ago. 142 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,658 BERTIE: Yeah, but it also happened 143 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:11,621 two minutes ago, and it feels so bad. 144 00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:16,626 ♪ You put a spell on me... ♪ 145 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,962 Bertie, this girl looks like 146 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,964 a bootleg Supreme Court Justice. 147 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,299 Oh, my God, she's here. 148 00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:25,635 Don't be a leech. Don't be a leech. 149 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,804 Hey, are you okay? 150 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,181 I heard you crying all the way in the art wing. 151 00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:32,308 You're actually the first person I've found crying 152 00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:33,976 -who wasn't a teacher. -Hi. (chuckles) 153 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,104 I'm just, uh, going through some stuff, 154 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,648 but, like, not in a needy way. 155 00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,983 Talk to me about it. I'm a great listener. 156 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,569 Uh... Okay, sure. 157 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,406 Is it boyfriend stuff? Guys are the pits. 158 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,158 I'd be happy to curse a dude for you. 159 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,035 Not exactly. 160 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,411 Um... 161 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,747 This thing happened to me, and, uh... 162 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,375 ♪ ♪ 163 00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:59,335 Hey, you've got thick calves. 164 00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:01,963 Are you interested in trying out for the basketball team? 165 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,256 You can see me? 166 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:04,966 Of course. You're the tallest kid here. 167 00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,509 Think fast. 168 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,677 (laughs) 169 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,887 That's some rocket you got on you. 170 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,222 You know how to set a screen? 171 00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:14,308 Nope, but I'm good at everything I try. 172 00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,352 MURIEL: I know how you feel. 173 00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:19,147 I got goosed by our handsy gardener a few years ago. 174 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,732 Then my parents pretended like it never happened. 175 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,110 Oh, my God, my parents did the same thing. 176 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,653 They didn't want to talk about it, 177 00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:27,655 so they handed me off to the guidance counselor. 178 00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:29,782 Miss Hamhock? She told me I'm gonna grow up 179 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,325 and run a ketchup factory. 180 00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:32,702 Then she started crying because 181 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,079 she wants to run a ketchup factory. 182 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,747 She's hella gnarly. 183 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,083 Hey, would you ever want to chill sometime? 184 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,836 Yeah. I hella would. 185 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:45,006 Here's my number. Don't call my house before 9:00 p.m., 186 00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:48,634 or my parents will freak out. Nocturnal. 187 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,099 ♪ You're the friend ♪ 188 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,268 ♪ I need... ♪ 189 00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:59,604 (both laugh) 190 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,231 ♪ Indeed, you're a friend... ♪ 191 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:05,067 Oh, my God, you have a crush on Paul. 192 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,028 Shh, shh. He could hear you. 193 00:08:07,111 --> 00:08:08,738 Okay, fine, let's come up with a nickname, 194 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,865 so we can talk about him in front of people. 195 00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:12,950 Let's call him... "Apple," 196 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,410 because he likes apple juice. 197 00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:16,204 Ooh, I like it. 198 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,663 "Ap-paul." 199 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,207 Paul, for short. 200 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,042 That totally defeats the purpose. 201 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,293 It's perfect. 202 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,170 That's the guy you're slobbering for? 203 00:08:24,253 --> 00:08:26,631 -He's a child. -I know, I know. 204 00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,007 He's a baby. 205 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,218 I feel like I saw him differently back then. 206 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,056 Oh... those cheekbones. 207 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,768 (sighs) Let's bounce and go to Cool Subject. 208 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,395 -I need a new skirt. -Okay. 209 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,487 I'm in here, like, once a week. They have the best stuff. 210 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,030 It all looks so dangerous, 211 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,407 but in a safe way, for teens. 212 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,159 Speaking of danger... 213 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,622 -W-What are you... -You'd look so cute in this. 214 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,040 Here, put it on, 215 00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:03,960 then walk out the door like everything's cool. 216 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,628 (panting) 217 00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:06,712 Whoo! 218 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,172 Oh, my God, oh, my God. 219 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,298 -(sighs) -Oh, what a rush. 220 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,800 (both laugh) 221 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,677 We could be twins. 222 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,095 Oh... 223 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,430 (slurping) 224 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:18,557 (burps) 225 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,976 (Muriel and Bertie laughing) 226 00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:21,811 And that's how the birds from Europe 227 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:25,564 discovered America before the birds that were already here. 228 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,441 -Any questions? -Ooh! 229 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,152 Why am I here? I'm not part of this memory. 230 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,280 Go to the principal's office! 231 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,322 (groans) 232 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,574 (Muriel and Bertie laughing) 233 00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,327 Hey, I made this for you. 234 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,454 Really? For me? 235 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,873 Oh, it's no big deal, just a couple bands I'm into. 236 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,001 I prefer cassettes to CDs because they're retro, 237 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,919 and they sound worse. It's cool. 238 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,714 Thanks. I-I'm gonna listen to it right away. 239 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:54,343 ♪ You're something new ♪ 240 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,721 ♪ Cool ♪ 241 00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:59,390 ♪ Something that I never ♪ 242 00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:02,977 ♪ Dreamed I could know ♪ 243 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:04,687 ♪ Whoa ♪ 244 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,523 ♪ I've never been so high ♪ 245 00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:08,858 ♪ You make me feel alive ♪ 246 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,943 ♪ All from those serpent eyes ♪ 247 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,155 ♪ Let's go no days without you ♪ 248 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:17,742 ♪ You're something... ♪ 249 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:20,620 (British accent): Pip, pip, I baked you a bitch cake. 250 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:21,871 (laughs) 251 00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,498 Y-You'd better not bitch me out. 252 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,541 (laughs) 253 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,126 (British accent): Hey, fetus mouse, 254 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,378 I made you a hater pie. 255 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,005 (laughs) 256 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,882 You look like a bomb-ass babe. 257 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,383 I'm so glad you stole these. 258 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,469 (chuckles) Thanks. 259 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,723 -(door opens) -Hey, girls. Wow. 260 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,767 Bertie, where did you get all those clothes? 261 00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:46,187 Mom! Please knock before you enter my personal space. 262 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,563 I made you some snacks. 263 00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:49,273 Beefy Teens Canned Pasta. 264 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,150 -Ugh. (chuckles) -ANNA: Bertie's absolute favorite. 265 00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:53,736 Mom, Muriel is a vegetarian, 266 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,530 and... so am I. 267 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,949 Since when? We had burgers just last night. 268 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,618 I was scowling the whole time. 269 00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,828 Like, you don't think that meant something? 270 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,206 (British accent): What are you, mental? 271 00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,248 (laughs) 272 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,209 Okay, I'll leave you alone. 273 00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:16,967 It was nice to meet your new friend yesterday. 274 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,594 I can't help but, uh, 275 00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,763 notice that you're starting to resemble 276 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,182 -this new girl a little bit? -Yeah, so? 277 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,101 I like this stuff. I look hella cool. 278 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:28,396 I just want to make sure you're not losing your sense of self. 279 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:31,148 I know sometimes you can get into trouble 280 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,275 throwing yourself into the deep end. 281 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,821 Oh, so now you care about me and what I'm going through? 282 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,448 Of course I care, don't be silly. 283 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,075 Now, about this new look, 284 00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:43,077 are you a Satanist? I saw this 285 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,538 -story on the news about a group of Satanists... -(grunting) 286 00:11:45,621 --> 00:11:46,497 ...who donated 287 00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,124 to a charity, and I thought, 288 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,917 "Is my daughter a Satanist?" 289 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,586 Mom, what are you even talking about? 290 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,964 Why don't you just send me back to the school counselor 291 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:58,217 like you do whenever there's a problem, apparently? 292 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,137 Good luck on your geometry quiz, honey. 293 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,517 -(laughter) -That is so Melissa to say that. 294 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,811 Janelle, don't you take that from Melissa. 295 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:12,314 Belinda, get over here and help Janelle beat Melissa's ass. 296 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,567 Oh, hey, Bertie, how's your memories going? 297 00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,986 Uh, my mom is so awkward. 298 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,530 She doesn't understand true friendship. 299 00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,365 She called me a copycat. 300 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,285 Don't you mean a copy-bat? (laughs) 301 00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:27,913 ♪ You put a spell on me... ♪ 302 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,210 Whoa, she drinks coffee? That's so cool. 303 00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,962 I-I'm gonna start drinking coffee. 304 00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,589 Bertie, stop tripping. 305 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,174 If she drank coffee off a bridge, 306 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,092 would you drink coffee after her? 307 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,886 -Think about it. -Muriel! 308 00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,429 Over here. 309 00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:47,349 Wow, some people really lose themselves in fantasies. 310 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,436 Welp, back to basketball. 311 00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:53,189 So... did you call Paul last night 312 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,815 -like I dared you to? -(laughs) 313 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,567 Yeah, but, uh, you know, I was so nervous 314 00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,694 I just cussed into the phone and hung up. 315 00:12:58,777 --> 00:12:59,987 I said, "Ass." 316 00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,697 So, once you do finally hook up with him, 317 00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:04,158 what're you guys gonna do? Are you gonna tongue kiss? 318 00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,993 -Touch butts? -I don't know. 319 00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,120 I-I'm kind of scared of that stuff. 320 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,164 Are you scared right now? 321 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,124 No... 322 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:14,960 Mm? 323 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,671 -(heart beating) -Mm. Mm. 324 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,591 -Mm. -Mm. 325 00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,885 I'm gonna be late for chemistry again. 326 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,094 See you later. 327 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:25,721 Well, what do you want to do after school? 328 00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,473 You want to go to the diner and get crinkle fries? 329 00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,558 -(school bell rings) -Or we could just go to my house 330 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,185 and make out in my room all afternoon? 331 00:13:31,268 --> 00:13:32,728 (laughs) Just kidding. 332 00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:35,314 Oh, actually, I was gonna go to the mall with Jessica. 333 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:36,649 Maybe I'll see you later? 334 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:38,943 (stammers) Well, not-not if I see you first. 335 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,195 I mean, you will also see me later, 336 00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:44,073 if I see you first. I-I'm not going to, like, murder you. 337 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,741 (laughs) But, seriously, 338 00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:47,409 I'm-I'm not gonna murder you. 339 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,370 Okay. 340 00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,247 But... 341 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,958 the mall was our place. 342 00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:58,587 So then, I asked Kevin if he thought Lydia was pretty, 343 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,757 and you'll never believe what he said. It was so sick. 344 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,717 He said, "Yes," 345 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,678 and I was like, "Um, 346 00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,972 pervert much?" 347 00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,143 Mm. 348 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,732 Dude! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? 349 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,609 No, I just missed you. Anyways, last night, 350 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,653 after you didn't answer any of my 17 calls, 351 00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,113 and the machine ran out of tape, 352 00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:26,115 I channeled all of that energy into this mix 353 00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:27,449 I made for you. 354 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,119 You put "Nearer" by Ten Inch Talons on here? 355 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:32,454 You didn't even like Warehouse Murder Party Music 356 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,789 until I told you about them. 357 00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:37,084 Well, I love it now. Wait, are you mad at me? 358 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,296 No. 359 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,757 (slurping noise) 360 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,598 (groans) 361 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,768 Hey, watch this. 362 00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,604 (laughter) 363 00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,815 What are you doing? Today's chicken nugget day, 364 00:14:59,898 --> 00:15:02,943 and I know how much you love your processed meat wads. 365 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,154 Nuh-uh, I love tofu. 366 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,739 Bertie, stop lying. 367 00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,533 You told me tofu makes you want to cry. 368 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,994 I love tofu so much. 369 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,788 I could eat it at every meal. 370 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,708 Yum. 371 00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,043 (bell rings) 372 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,378 The main causes of the Bird Civil War 373 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,756 were the economy and bird states' rights. 374 00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:26,175 Can anyone tell me when the war started? 375 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,844 -(groans) Snoozapalooza. -HISTORY TEACHER: Anyone? 376 00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:30,346 No? -(laughs) 377 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,930 HISTORY TEACHER: Okay. 378 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,975 Can anyone tell me when the Battle of the Giant Cats 379 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,226 happened? 380 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,604 Come on, guys, it was only 40 years ago, 381 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,315 and some of us still hold grudges. 382 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:43,651 Now, next week, I want 383 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,027 everybody to be prepared, 384 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,071 we're gonna be talking about the Emu Wars. 385 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:49,448 (slurping noise) 386 00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:51,575 (crying) 387 00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,162 -(screams) -Smile for the yearbook. 388 00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:58,165 What? I'm not feeling photogenic right now. 389 00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,208 Could you please stop? 390 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:00,959 No way. Nobody's invented 391 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,462 the concept of asking for permission yet. 392 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,092 (cheering) 393 00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:09,885 Okay, Coach, I'm gonna do 394 00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,637 some lay-'em-ups and some dribble-'em-downs. 395 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,556 And then I'm gonna pick the old pumpkin from the patch, 396 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,018 and then I'm gonna put the basketball in the basket. 397 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,728 -Sound good? -You're a pro. 398 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,064 And one more thing. You know I'm not in high school, right? 399 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,441 -I'm in my 30s. -Listen to me, you piece of shit. 400 00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,443 I only care about one thing: winning. 401 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,405 So go out there and score me as many points as you can 402 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:32,741 -before you hit menopause, okay? -Yes, Coach. 403 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,076 Hey, Muriel. 404 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,161 Yeah, I'm here ironically, too. (chuckles) 405 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,788 (English accent): Pip-pip. Fetus mouse 406 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,207 is ready to watch some b-ball, huh? 407 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,669 (laughs, groans) 408 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,796 ♪ Left, right, love the feeling ♪ 409 00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:47,381 ♪ There's no one else I love ♪ 410 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,007 ♪ Left, right, love the feeling ♪ 411 00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,634 ♪ There's no one else I love ♪ 412 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,386 -♪ Left. ♪ -(audience gasps, exclaims) 413 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:53,637 Huh? 414 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,306 Where did all these yearbooks come from? 415 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,017 Well, that's how memory works. 416 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,562 It composites things in a strange way, 417 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,063 and it's often inaccurate. 418 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,108 For example, there was never a goat here at all. 419 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:09,987 I'm just a model you saw in a catalog once. 420 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:14,408 -You won gothiest? -I did? 421 00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,828 I didn't mean to. I didn't know! 422 00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,455 How could you do this? 423 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,707 Muriel, I-I swear it was a mistake. 424 00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,792 What the hell are you even doing, stalker? 425 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,461 Your favorite color is pink. 426 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,963 That's not true. I-I'm goth. 427 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,008 You like rom-coms and boy bands. 428 00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:33,260 (voice breaking): Why are you being like this? 429 00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,012 You're my best friend. 430 00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:37,556 Bertie, look, I let you hang around 431 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,099 because I felt bad for you. 432 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,809 You're not my best friend. 433 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,811 -That's Jessica. -(Jessica buzzes) 434 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,188 We weren't talking for a month, 435 00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,981 but now we're best friends again. 436 00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:48,650 But... you kissed me. 437 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,652 Yeah. I was just messing around. 438 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,739 We're not really friends 439 00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:56,158 at all. 440 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,285 -(Bertie crying) -Time out. 441 00:17:58,368 --> 00:17:59,953 -(whistle blows) -Tuca. 442 00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,581 There's one second on the clock, and we need one point to win. 443 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,249 Do it for Melissa and Janelle. 444 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,502 Do if for Belinda and the promise you made 445 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:08,670 before she succumbed to her curling iron burns. 446 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,173 You can do it! Take it to the hole! 447 00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:12,716 I know I can, but I won't. 448 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,551 I got to go help my best friend. 449 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,137 (audience groans) 450 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,764 (grunts) 451 00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,933 (grunting) 452 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,897 (crying): I'm too much of a loser to live. 453 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,024 Bertie, don't let a little girl 454 00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:31,360 whose brain isn't even fully developed yet 455 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:32,694 make you cry. 456 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,154 Nobody in the entire world 457 00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,782 has ever felt this heartbroken before. 458 00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,700 I am the queen of pain. 459 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,952 Aw, man. 460 00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:41,495 You are just tits-deep in teendom. 461 00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:43,330 How about we just get you some ice cream? 462 00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,374 -(Bertie grunting) -Would that make you feel better? 463 00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:48,126 No. I'm not a baby. 464 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,711 I don't want ice cream. 465 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,548 Do you want me to break out and gain a thousand pounds? 466 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:56,218 -That's it! We're turning this memory around. -(screams) 467 00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,680 I said I don't want to! 468 00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:02,850 Oh. Actually, I would love some ice cream. 469 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,810 Let me just take a lactose pill. 470 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,478 Welcome back to your creaky adult body 471 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,188 that can't digest anything. 472 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,566 Ooh! Oh, man. I'm sorry I was such a mess. 473 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:14,528 It's crazy that I never got any resolution with Muriel at all. 474 00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,363 You still can. There's a screening 475 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,614 of the Screech Leeches, 476 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,116 and the director's gonna be there. 477 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,201 Want to put on some eyeliner and black dresses 478 00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:23,203 and go scare the shit out of her? 479 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:24,454 I got two tickets. 480 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:25,956 When did you get the tickets? 481 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:29,084 I got them before. The movie looked good as hell. 482 00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,587 Not everything is about you, Bertie. 483 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,338 -(suspenseful music playing) -(groaning) 484 00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,842 (panting) 485 00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,761 (grunts) We did it. 486 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,054 We escaped the leeches. 487 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,556 We're finally safe. 488 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,559 WOMAN: I was about to say the same thing. 489 00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,603 No. No! 490 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:50,272 -(laughing) -(snarling) 491 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,030 Whoo-hoo! Bravo! 492 00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,908 Oh, got to pee. Excuse me, sir. Got to pee. 493 00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,701 -Ooh. -Mm, I liked it. 494 00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,746 Almost as good as her last movie, Smug Bugs. 495 00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:07,456 (chuckles): Uh, thank you all 496 00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,625 for coming to see the Screech Leeches. 497 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,460 We have a very special guest tonight. 498 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:15,714 (chuckles): Here's the director, Muriel Nocturna. 499 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,758 (applause) 500 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,344 Thanks, everyone. 501 00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,471 I'll do a quick Q and A now 502 00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:24,598 if any of you want to... Oh. 503 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,934 Yes! Uh, hi, Muriel. It's me, Bertie. 504 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,185 I actually have more of a comment 505 00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,228 -than a question. -(audience groans) 506 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:32,731 I just wanted to say I-I-I'm sorry 507 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:34,691 I was such a leech when we were in high school. 508 00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,152 I-I suffocated you with my uncoolness. 509 00:20:37,235 --> 00:20:39,071 An uncoolness I've outgrown, 510 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:41,573 and I'm actually pretty cool now. 511 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,116 And I'm sorry I won gothiest, 512 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,994 which obviously caused such a lasting damage 513 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,580 that you had no choice but to work out your feelings 514 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,749 in this movie, that, frankly, 515 00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:52,668 was really disturbing, 516 00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,127 and I worry about the mental state 517 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,672 of anyone who would enjoy something so scary. 518 00:20:56,755 --> 00:21:00,050 Never mind. I just wanted to apologize, 519 00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:03,011 and it's okay if you want to... 520 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,304 (English accent): ...bitch me out, 521 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:07,516 titty guv'nor. (laughs) 522 00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:10,018 Uh... Oh. 523 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:13,063 Uh, the movie isn't about you at all, 524 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:14,690 so... 525 00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:16,692 -What? -It's about my kid. 526 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:20,278 He's so needy, and he's always copying me. 527 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:23,115 Aah! Stop jocking me, creep. 528 00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:24,741 Get your own nose. 529 00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:28,036 Ugh. Anyways, who's next? 530 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,998 Hi. Can you make my movie? 531 00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,083 I'm a man. 532 00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:35,711 Oof. That was rough. 533 00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,587 I'm still a freak, I guess. 534 00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:39,256 Bertie, you weren't a freak. 535 00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,508 You were a high school girl with too many 536 00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:43,885 complicated, sloppy, wet, high school feelings 537 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,262 to know what to do with. 538 00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:48,181 Be kind to that creepy little baby Bertie. 539 00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,392 She creeped her way into my heart. 540 00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:53,770 Aw. I'm your heartworm. 541 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,897 Now, when are you gonna start dressing like me, huh? 542 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:59,151 (chuckles) I've been begging you to wear short shorts for years. 543 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:01,403 (laughs) Oh, Tuca. 544 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:03,405 I want to make you over to be a little, mini Tuca. 545 00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,241 You'd be so cute. You're gonna need beak extensions 546 00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:08,201 and ass-shaking lessons, though. Ooh! 547 00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:09,870 And some vocal coaching 548 00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:11,913 so you can... (caws) 549 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,624 -Try it. -(Bertie caws) 550 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:18,045 TUCA: Yep, we've got a lot of work to do. 551 00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:20,756 ♪ Your movie ♪ 552 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:24,426 ♪ Was not about me ♪ 553 00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:29,598 ♪ Your movie ♪ 554 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:34,144 ♪ Was about someone else. ♪ 555 00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:53,747 PAUL: Uh, no. Bad idea. 556 00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,875 (slurps) 557 00:22:56,958 --> 00:23:04,925 (dogs barking)