♪ Enjoy yourself ♪
♪ It's later than you think ♪
♪ Enjoy yourself ♪
♪ While you're still In the pink ♪
♪ The years go by ♪
♪ As quickly as a wink ♪
♪ Enjoy yourself enjoy yourself It's later than you think ♪
Look, honey, at that beautiful funeral.
I've never seen so many flower.
Yeah, he was a nice man too,
but never had any fun.
Didn't have time. Just worked and made money.
He didn't even have time to enjoy himself.
Poor man.
♪ You're gonna take That two-week trip ♪
♪ No matter come what may ♪
♪ But every year You put it off ♪
♪ You just can't get away ♪
♪ Next year for sure You'll hit the road ♪
♪ You'll really get around ♪
♪ But how far can you travel ♪
♪ When you're six feet Underground ♪
♪ Enjoy yourself ♪
♪ It's later than you think ♪
♪ Enjoy yourself ♪
♪ While you're still In the pink ♪
♪ The years go by ♪
♪ As quickly as a wink ♪
♪ Enjoy yourself... ♪
Fucking. How fucking excited
are you right fucking now?
Whoa, Karen.
I am like physically fucking shaking,
-I'm so fucking excited. -Hey!
I'm like wetter than that time I dragged you guys
to see Magic Mike in the IMAX.
Karen, you're on speaker phone with the boys.
whoops? Your boys?
Hi, boys!
Don't be a potty mouth like your aunty K, okay?
So, Pam figure out this fiasco yet?
Nope. She's closing a huge deal today,
only been home to shower and sleep all week.
Good.
Because Doug bought a case of Red Fire.
Isn't that the stuff that makes you poop red?
Fortunately, I only go once every other week.
-Like on purpose? -Help me!
No, not on purpose.
Midlife hormones are a real drag on digestion.
Like you know those concretes from Dairy Queen?
Where you turn them upside down and nothing comes out?
-It's like one of those. -Oh.
So, how are you gonna get Pam in that dress?
No clue. Any suggestions?
Well. Any bad decision I ever made in my life
involved vodka, so I would start there.
Oh, and Mike!
Do not forget to go to the bakery
and pick up that cake.
Don't forget the cake. Don't forget the cake.
Hey, you're kids are screaming in there.
Settle down, there's no dogs in there.
Have a lollipop.
We have been working on this deal for months.
This call has taken three and a half hours
on a Saturday.
Let's... get it done.
So what do you say, Larry?
For $1,600 we sign on the dotted line right now.
I've got a better idea, Richard.
How about you do down to the site,
pull down your Armani's,
and run one them willows up your ass,
because that's exactly what you're trying to do to me.
Guys.
Oh go fuck yourself, Larry.
Hang on a second here.
Let's all just take a deep breath
and reconvene in a couple of hours.
Yeah, we'll circle back
when you catch a fucking clue, Richard.
Okay, great. Pam, are you good with that?
Totally agree, let's, uh...
Let's circle back.
C... Circle back.
I'm so sorry. I don't think
I'm gonna be able to make the game today.
Nah, it's okay. It's t-ball.
The kids hardly know they're making the game.
How are the boys? Can I say hi?
Yeah. Yeah, uh...
Gimme...
Yes.
How are my dudes?
Daddy left us in the car.
Okay, you're a funny boy.
Alright. Go, walk to the field.
-Here's your other. -Hi. Hey, buddy.
Whatcha playing?
Worst mother ever.
He doesn't even wanna talk to me. Look.
Look he's gonna dance with an iPad on his wedding day.
Hey, babe.
Right now, it's like this.
Close the deal,
and then we'll slowly reintroduce you to the kids.
Oh, thanks. That's so sweet.
♪ A one, two A one, two, three, four ♪
♪ This here's a story about a house husband ♪
♪ Who, you know, just has to gt out of the house ♪
♪ He's been lookin' at, you knw the kids For days and days ♪
♪ He's been washin' the dishes And screwin' around
♪ and watching Sesame Street Till he's going crazy ♪
♪ I'm stepping out ♪
Oh!
Almost done.
Either of you smoke?
Okay.
I'm just shooting corporate an email.
See if we can get that quote a little lower.
Balls.
We're good.
All right, here we go, 25.
Let's take it for a ride, big boy.
-Yes! Go! Go!
Whoo!
Take two! Take two!
Go, dude!
Now come three. Come three!
Get dirty!
Don't get dirty. Yeah!
Safe!
All right. So you feeling a little better?
Okay, great.
I'm checking her cognitive function, Costillo. It's fine.
How's she look?
Let's get that Gatorade.
-Come here. -Yay, I've won a game.
Yeah. You've got a good game, go, go, go.
Hi.
Chip off the old block.
Yeah, let's hope his arm stays attached.
How in the heck did he get
bubblegum stuck inside his ear?
Oh! Look at that.
I used to watch your daddy play here.
I probably saw every game he played.
-Until he got drafted. -What's drafted?
-That's a great question. -What's drafted? Yeah.
Great game today, Charlie.
Sorry, we're just in a bit of rush.
So did you hear? Coach Miller is retiring.
-I didn't. -Yeah. Search is on.
Maybe you could throw your name in the hat?
Yeah, that's a big jump from t-ball.
Hey, Levi!
I heard you're pitching today?
I, I am.
You got this, man. Stay strong.
Good to see you, Charlie.
-Tell your dad hi. -Will do.
-And call the coach! -Yeah.
Kids, close your eyes.
Dad is not doing anything. Close those eyes.
Dad is not texting.
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Yeah.
Called in a sitter for this place?
Don't worry. Don't worry. I got you.
Beautiful light.
Wow.
Ah, thank you so much. Wow.
-Good? -Yep.
-All right. Deal closed? -Uh, no.
You said the deal was gonna be closed
-on the first of the month, It's the first
of the month. Yeah. That was the plan.
Until two billionaires with egos the
size of Mount Kiliman-fucking-jaro
decided to put a pause on a $46 million deal
over two trees that were left off,
mistakenly, on the survey.
Choo-choo.
Thank you.
-How are the boys? -Ah, well,
since the last time you saw them. Let's see.
MacGuire started shaving
and the toddler joined the Merchant Marines, so.
No, they're good. I read them, bathed them, fed them.
Uh. Hey.
Sitter came early. Said we could stay out as late as we want.
Haha, I wish.
I mean, this deal is, like, next level.
My year-end bonus means that we can finally put a dent
in paying off law school,
start the 529 for the kids' college.
I mean, the kids are, like, eight years old combined.
We should've started when they were born, Mike.
All right. Look, babe.
I don't understand anything that you do,
but I get why you do it. And, honey, I...
I see you, I believe in you.
and I--
Got to answer that text?
Sorry. I just--
don't get a whole lot of real life adult interaction.
And yet, here we are, in real life.
Two adults, interacting.
Listen. I was thinking.
When the deal closes, which it will,
what if, you and I,
take a trip?
Just the two of us, no kids.
Couple days on the Bourbon Trail.
That sounds--
Busy day?
They wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure they do.
Oh.
This is work.
Mmm-hm.
Okay. I, uh, I'm starving.
Please order me something. I'm gonna go powder my nose.
-Okay. What would you like? -Oh, God.
I can't make another decision today. Um.
No chicken, no beef.
Uh, nothing too starchy. No dairy.
Just veggies, but not drowning in sauce.
Okay, so basically air, medium-rare.
-You got me. -Got it.
Where are you?
We're gonna order when she gets back. Thank you.
Don't you dare eat.
My taco guy has been cooking for, like, tres fucking días.
Karen, the deal didn't close.
She promised the deal would be closed today,
and it didn't. She has to work all night. We are fucked!
Oh, no, no, no, buddy. This party has already set sail.
The only thing you need to do is get her in that dress.
Well, how exactly do I do that?
I don't know, Mike.
Maybe convince her it's something kinky.
Get here.
Richard, I peed in my office for you. Okay?
I was on the phone with you all day long,
I realized I never wished you happy birthday.
-Thank you. -Now, that's said.
But while I have you, what if e buy the seller's stock?
Wait.
Repaper on a Saturday?
Wait. You want me to recreate 150 pages
so you can assume the guy's debt?
Is that bad?
Yes, yes, it's very bad.
Okay, look. I'm gonna go eat.
I'll call you in an hour. Okay?
-I want to stop, but we... -Okay, I'm hanging up now.
-Hey. -Aw, thanks.
What are you doing?
I'd like to open my gift with dessert,
-if you don't mind. -Actually, I kind of do mind.
Well, I'm starving.
Please. It would really mean a lot to me.
Okay.
Is that my prom dress?
Nope, it's your homecoming dress.
Uh, I'm confused.
Well, your mom had to throw away your prom dress
because of the slab lake. You know it got moldy.
No, no, I'm confused why you're giving
me my homecoming dress on my birthday.
Oh, don't worry. I got is resized.
Oh, cool. Thank for clarifying that necessity.
And why? Why did we resize this?
Oh, because I think
you were the sexiest homecoming queen I ever saw
and I wanna make love to you tonight in it again.
Oh, okay. Wow.
I knew it.
You're having a mid-life crisis
I wouldn't exactly call it a crisis, but come on.
Why don't you just get in there and...
put it on.
Are you having a stroke?
What? No.
Pam.
Go back to the bathroom and put on that dress.
No, you go to the bathroom and put on the frickin' dress.
Come on, what's more fun than a little role playing?
Oh, my God. If this is some Fifty Shades thing,
you know, you know that that is not my jam.
Uh. Just the cheque, please.
I thought you ordered. I'm starving.
Just the cheque. Thank you.
Mike.
What is happening?
You are freaking me out right now.
All of our friends, and I mean all of them,
are around the corner at a banquet hall,
waiting for you to arrive in this dress.
Karen and I, under the impression
that your deal would be done today, the today
you promised it would be done by,
decided to throw you a surprise '80s prom party.
I thought it was just you and me tonight.
I specifically said, please, whatever you do--
Pam, don't say it, it's too late.
I just, I just wanna go home.
I wanna eat, go home, make sexy time, and work.
Do you not wanna make sexy time with me?
Of course I wanna make sexy time with you.
After the party.
-Michael. -Pamela.
-Mike. -Pam.
-Can I at least get other shoes? -We don't have time.
I look like I'm going to, like, a pilgrim prom.
You look great.
Shut your pie holes! They're here!
I got this!
Evening, folks. Welcome to the Polish American
-Veteran Society. -Thank you.
-Oh, God. What are you doing? -All right. Okay.
What is happening?
Oh, looks like Tom Cruise is ready to have a good time.
There we go.
Dam-din-de-de-de-de.
Surprise!
Happy motherfucking birthday!
Look at Pam!
Wow. What a surprise.
And what is this?
Bitch, I am finally Jake Ryan's girlfriend.
Just cut it. Okay. Say your shaloms
and then I'm dragging you
to the bathroom to fix your face.
Not that there's anything wrong with it. Much. Move!
Happy birthday.
Crockett and Tubbs.
-Very nice. -This is Elvis.
Hi, Elvis. P-shhh.
-Hi, Travis. -Hey, girlfriend.
Happy birthday.
-You did, bro. -I did it.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, you invited your parents.
You look lovely, dear.
I'm surprised this still fits.
Yeah, well, Mike had it resized.
Hey, who do we gotta kill to get a chair around here?
I'll get you set up, Dad.
Oh, but wait. Okay. Oh!
Pam.
-Freddy, you look amazing. -I know.
Happy birthday.
The bags really tie that outfit together.
You look like a terrorist at a nudist convention.
Thanks, Dad.
Ran into old Charlie the other day.
Who's Charlie?
Blind bat still calling games?
He said Coach Miller is retiring.
Told you. Get a teaching credential.
Yeah, you did say that.
-I got you something. -Oh?
-Yeah. -Wow.
Huh?
Behind this is an online code
for my bestselling seminar,
"Freddy or not, you can be rich like me".
-Wow. -You are welcome.
I will check this out.
I know.
You looking for work? We always need help at the shop.
I got a job, Dad. Taking care of your grandchildren.
-Remember? -Of course.
I meant one for money.
You know, most people think Nirvana was a '90s band,
but they actually made Bleach in '89.
-Oh. -Personally, I'm more
into their earlier sub-pop type tunes.
Save it, Wheat Thin, we're boozin'.
Come on.
Hi.
I'm I'm Pam Young.
Shannon.
Shannon Klissanon?
I-- Of course.
Of course. It's, it's so lovely to see you.
Rowdy.
Excuse me.
-Hi, Pam. -Hi.
I haven't seen you since, uh...
Uh, you know, the um...
High School.
Yes. Yes.
I haven't seen you since High School.
How are you?
I'm great.
You look... great.
Actually, I'm--
I'm doing really great.
That's good.
Michael, Michael, motorcycle.
Serious tactical error inviting that guy.
Not sure I actually did.
You know he was a Chippendale's dancer?
And he dove with Jacques Cousteau.
Apparently he likes to wear speedos.
I recently self-published my 11th novel.
Twelfth. If you count
the anthology of Gothic Poetry I edited.
Awesome.
Will you excuse me for one second?
All right, deadbeats. Move it upstairs!
Who is that?
You went to Kindergarten through 12th Grade with her.
I did?
She must look different.
No, she looked pretty bow-house back then, too.
-I can confirm that. -Oh.
-What's up, bitch? -'Sup, whore?
Did you have anything to do with planning this nightmare?
Um, my loathing for you runs deep, big sis,
but not deep enough to throw you a surprise party.
Thank you for dressing up.
What? And overshadow your lameness
on your special night?
I would never.
Madame D'coy.
Pamela.
So good to see you.
I was flattered
when Michael reached out to me
on the book of the face.
I could not say no.
I never say no.
My mother, she is dying a slow, horrible death.
The bile of impermanence consuming her.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
How do we know we are really alive
until we are pinned under the razor sharp boot
of suffering.
But tonight, we make party.
O... kay.
Step away from the birthday girl.
We'll be back.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Where'd you get this?
A souvenir from my stint on Timber.
Do you mean Tinder?
No, it's like Tinder, but for big and tall people.
You're five-three.
Yes, and you have to be this tall
to ride this ride.
Okay.
So, who's bright idea was this?
Mike, of course.
He's been planning it for months.
In his defense. He thought your deal would close today.
Well, the day is not over yet.
I think he was eager to have
your undivided attention for the night.
Sorry.
So Madame D'coy is here.
I still can't believe
Travis brought his French teacher to prom.
Me neither.
The shit you could get away with back then.
I know.
She would be guaranteed five to ten
for sophomore shtupping these days.
So, since his divorce, have you guys... you know?
Travis and me?
-Yeah.
I thought you always wanted to .
What? What!
No?
-No! -Okay.
I mean, years ago.
Hey. Oh.
Hey, you. Where've you been hiding?
Who ordered the fucking ceviche?
Coz my insides just went out.
I have some ginger mints in my purse.
Like candy is gonna cure
20 years of irritable bowel syndrome.
Listen. I'm going to keep this on reserve all night.
Good luck with Travis.
I mean, can you blame her bowels?
She didn't even wash her hands.
Close your mouth.
-Fucking nailed it. -Yeah, it's...
Yeah.
♪ Life is so strange ♪
♪ When you don't know ♪
Yes.
♪ Where you're going to You can't be sure ♪
♪ of any situation ♪
♪ Something could change ♪
♪ Then you won't know ♪
Michael.
What do you think?
You know what, I don't care what your friends say about you,
I think you're pretty great.
Sergeant Sylvester, is it?
Folks around here call me Sarge.
Sarge.
Listen, so what if at midnight
this party is still, you know,
popping off?
Toots.
I was gay before FDR was on the dime.
Work your magic on a straight sucker.
You got till midnight!
Have no fear, friends, the doctor is here
to guide you on this journey back to your youth,
when the pants were pegged,
the Swatch was the timepiece of choice
and the only page you had to like
was your favorite band on the cover
of your trapper keeper.
Now, if you're wondering why I'm still anchored
to this festering cauldron of piping hot tripe water,
called the '80s, let's just say
I'm attempting to live up
to certain financial responsibilities
to two ex-wives and the IRS that I accrued
during a 16-year ride on the white line to oblivion.
Basically, I need the scratch.
But enough about me.
Let us now set sail for those halcyon days
when everybody wanted to rule the world.
Fuck me.
Punks.
Nerds.
Who are these people?
I told Mike to make the Facebook invite private.
Wait, this is a public event on Facebook?
-What is the difference? -I don't know,
117 strangers at my birthday party.
-Plus, I'm not even on Facebook. -These aren't strangers.
We went to Hight School with these people. I think.
Okay, so is this a birthday party
or a reunion?
Just for clarification.
-Hi, Janie. -Doug.
Hello.
-Never gonna happen, Doug. -Oh.
A boy can dream, can't he?
As long as that dream includes mouthwash
and ample personal space.
Oh!
Thank you.
Ooh. Sick burn.
What's up with the book ends?
No need to whisper, my friend. They don't speak English.
None?
None. Watch this.
Bananas.
Nothing.
So, are you, uh,
teaching French?
No, I retired after the 2KY.
You mean, Y2K?
It was a bust, I know.
My partner at the time, he was, how do you say?
Two polar.
-It's bipolar. -Yes.
Very confused.
He convinced me to move into the woods.
We lived off the land and had our own fecal compost
for three years.
Until he contracted Lyme Disease.
Where'd you find them?
They showed up at my seminar in Prague.
They're marginally famous contortionists,
but they're looking to grow their portfolio
of appreciating assets.
Just like the rest of us.
So, they tie themselves in knots?
They can work themselves into any sort of kink.
I bet they can.
You know, um...
You're the only teacher to ever give me a C in High School.
Did you deserve it?
I mean...
I didn't think so at the time.
I drank a lot then.
I was eager to feel something.
Your disappointment fed me.
Kept me alive.
-Mike. Long time. -Yeah.
How are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
Hey, whatever happened to baseball?
-I thought I'd seen you on TV. -Yep. That was the plan.
Then I tore my UCL right up the ball
and frayed my shoulder.
-Did a little triple A... -Bummer, That's a bummer
-...got a little TV time. -But Hey.
It's a kids' game anyway, right? All right.
Dick.
Boo.
Oh. Hi.
You know, I was just thinking about that Algebra II.
Trig? The final we stayed up all night for?
Oh. We had Algebra II together?
Yeah.
Yeah. You and your dog.
What was his name?
Sting?
-You remember my dog? -Of course.
He ate all our pizza.
Threw it up all over your pillow.
Okay?
Wow.
You have, like, a complete...
memory, filled with so much.
I had to, um...
defrag the old hard drives
for the bar exam.
You know. So that's probably why...
University of Chicago.
Oh!
-You went there too. -No.
Oh.
That's where you studied law.
I-- I did.
How did you...
I've kept tabs on you.
You know, since...
that night.
Okay.
It was so good seeing you.
Okay.
Love you too.
...years ago.
Michael, hi, hi.
-Hey. -Can I, uh,
-talk to you for a second? -Sure.
-Like, anywhere but here. -Oh.
Hey, let's do this real quick. Come on. Let's take a picture.
It'll be so fun. Here, turn around.
Push out your belly. We're gonna do pregnant prom.
My only A is in Wood Shop, and I'm gonna be a dad!
Jeez, You're really committed to this.
Come on, isn't this fun?
Actually, no, I'm on verge of like a panic attack.
-What? Why? -I'm pretty sure that the uh...
the woman over there that looks like Sally Scissorhands--
Shannon Klissanon?
Yeah uh, I'm pretty sure she's the stalker
I never knew I had.
I'm sure she's just excited to reconnect.
By reconnect you mean go full
Single White Female on me before I've even cut the cake?
Oh! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
What?
I forgot the cake.
-I'm so sorry. -Ah, dude.
-Dammit. -All I wanted was cake.
I thought all you wanted was sexy time?
Don't make me choose Michael.
You're not going to like the answer.
Look, I, uh...
I so appreciate what you've done here.
I can tell that you went to a ton of trouble.
And I'm so grateful, but...
man, if you didn't forget
what a drag High School was.
I don't understand. How was it a drag, exactly?
Okay. A.
We were a bunch of shallow dicks in High School.
And B. Dressing up in our shallow dick uniforms
is just gonna remind people of C,
go back to A. We were a bunch of shallow dicks.
But we were teenagers. Nobody gives a shit anymore.
I'm guessing a few of these people
hold some serious resentments.
No joke. It's only human nature.
You are wrong. Check this out, okay?
The ham-burglar.
Okay, Trudy, fine. Sorry.
I wouldn't be caught dead with her in High School
now we play Farm Town together.
Okay? She's got a cat name Sylvester.
Nickname is Sly.
Okay. It sits upright on the couch
and looks like human being. She walks it with a leash.
How cool and weird is that?
-Oh, thank you. -Sure thing.
All right?
Everyone is happy. Okay?
Here to celebrate you. This is cool.
Okay.
Hey, dark shades. Dark shades.
Dark shades.
Hey, can you play the song?
You know, the one, um, the one with, like,
the quiet guitar and the...
Boom-boom. The drums.
-Good one. -No, really. Hey.
It's the song with the, with the really quiet guitar.
It's ring-ling-ling-ling and then the ding-ding-ding,
boom-boom-boom, the drums.
-Who's it by? -Oh.
The guy. The guy that plays the drums
that goes boom. The--
-Phil Collins? -No!
Fuck! Damn.
It's-- the guy that plays the-- It's the song--
Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you Google it?
Hush-hush. Bye-bye.
Wow. More like Doctor Throws Shade.
Did you just shower me with imaginary jizz?
No. No.
You're getting pretty brave as you run away.
Ah, that's my jam.
You know that guy's got, like, two million followers.
Yeah, but they're all Russian bots like those two.
How do I get verified?
No one knows.
Verify me.
Yo, Michael! Whoop-whoop!
Oh, no.
Hey. Walk with me to get smokes.
Someone took my pants.
Oh. Do you need pants to go buy smokes?
Don't know. Never smoked.
Oh, fuck it.
Dude, this party,
honestly, is a complete and total fucking disaster.
What are you talking about?
-This party is epic. -If it isn't your birthday.
Listen. Let the Red Fire kick in,
-Pam will come around. -I don't know.
Richard, I know this isn't how you wanted the day to end.
-I get it.
I'm telling you, torching the deal at this point
is so stupid. Just talk to him. You're at the same
charity event. Just walk on over.
I can't talk to this guy. Fuck no.
Don't burn this thing to the ground
over ego. Okay? Bye.
-Hi. -Hi. Boy,
sounds like a three-alarm.
Didn't know you were a firefighter.
Oh, no. Just a lawyer.
Oof.
Sorry.
It's okay. So, lemme guess,
you climbed Everest before the age of 25?
Married the fit Peruvian shaman lady
who guided you to Machu Picchu.
Sailed around the globe on a solar-powered boat.
Let me down easy. What've you been up to
-the past 20 years? -No, no, uh...
Well, actually, no, I did go on a cruise to Alaska.
With my ex-wife and our son.
But that was before she married Claire.
My orthodontist partner.
You're an orthodontist? Huh.
Really? Uh, I thought the more titillating part
of that story would be my wife leaving me for another woman.
You always knew how to surprise--
-Oh. Hold on, sorry.
Twenty-four hour attorney, huh?
-Must pay well.
Don't be fooled by my, uh, formal attire.
I work out million dollar deals for my clients all day
and then go home and try to figure out
if my cheque has deposited
before my cable autopay has gone through.
-And things like that.
Wow.
-Can I help you? -A pack of lights
and tin of Wintergreen?
I told Pam I'd quit.
-Did you? -Not really.
Don't you remember health class, Doug?
"Tobacco stunts your growth."
Wait.
-Phyllis. Phyllis Okano. -Yeah.
-Four-eyed Phyllis! -Oh, he said it.
-Okay.
Hey. What happened to the other two?
Oh. Total eye replacement. I grow clones in my basement.
-LOL. -Yeah.
You look great.
Oh, thank you. So do you.
That is a lie.
I look like High School me went into anaphylactic shock.
Oh.
True, but...
What happened to your pants?
We're having a big High School reunion
-over at the banquet hall. -No, it's, uh, Pam's birthday.
But your welcome to stop by after your shift is over.
Oh, I'm stuck here until midnight,
but wish Pam happy birthday from me?
-I will. I will. -Thanks.
-Uh, hey, Doug? -Yeah.
-Can I ask you a weird question? -Absolutely. What's up?
Did you toilet paper my parents' house?
What!
It happened a lot in High School
and over the last years it started up again,
so my dad installed a camera.
Smart.
I ask because he showed it to me
and the guy on there looks a lot like you.
That's weird.
You know I don't live there anymore, right?
Not since college.
Yeah.
Of course. Totally.
I know you don't live with your parents.
You're an adult and you moved somewhere else.
I don't live with my parents. Oh, I live with my mom now.
Well see, coz my condo, it went under in a sinkhole.
-In the ground. -A literal sinkhole?
Okay. All right. It's great seeing you.
Yeah, it's great. Oh, you look great.
Okay. Thank you. So do you.
-Dude, she's onto us. -Us?
I haven't toilet papered her house since...
Dave Grohl was a drummer.
Man.
We were such dicks.
That's what Pam just said to me.
I don't-- Do you really think so?
Yeah, buddy, pfft, mega dicks.
Well, she seems to think you are, uh,
still doing it. The papering.
No, what she said is a guy that looks like me
-is still doing it. -Mm-hmm.
-Thank you. -Look.
Uh-oh.
Go, Dougie!
Oh!
So close. Almost nailed the landing.
-Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
-Grammy? -No, no, no. Just me, Trav.
Okay. It's all right. Just breathe now.
-You're gonna be okay.
No, no, no. Don't get up, Doug. Doug, Doug. Stay down.
Oh, shit.
I think I lost my tooth.
It's gonna be all right. We'll get you a new tooth.
-Yeah! -Yeah!
You know that stuff's good for inflammation?
Turmeric's a power spice.
Huh.
-Pam! -Hi.
Guess who we ran into?
-Who? -Four-eyed Phyllis.
Oh, that poor girl.
Why? What happened?
Nothing. Only that we spent half of our youth
defacing her home with Charmin's single ply.
Really, it just came down to geography.
-Exactly. -It's like her house
is a trading post on the trail of beers.
Between High School and Doug's mom's.
Pam, you remember this?
Yeah. Of course.
Running from the police.
Travis puking under the neighbor's topiary.
Just say shrubs.
Yeah, totally remember. So fun.
You know what? I'm gonna give a toast.
All right, let's get some shots lined up, Maverick.
All right.
Everyone, come on-- Trudy.
Shannon. Toast, shots.
Phil Collins.
Um, all right, guys.
So, it's-- Thank you.
It's recently been brought to my attention
that I-- we all,
I may have been a dick back in High School.
Which apparently I blocked out.
If that is true, if I wronged you in any way,
from the bottom of my heart, I apologize.
Now that I'm not a popular jerk anymore.
I hope that I can make it up to you
now that we're adults and we have mortgages
and hemorrhoids.
Uh, look.
A lot has changed since High School.
But one thing has stayed the same.
My love for this woman,
right here.
Pam.
You did it for me then.
You do it for me now.
I love you.
Happy birthday.
-Aw, thank you. -Cheers.
-Cheers everyone. -Cheers!
My therapist and I
have talked a lot about that evening.
-Okay. -She says
it shaped my character.
Okay.
That even though...
we're born how we are,
there are often incidents
that introduce us to our true nature.
And that was likely one of them.
I don't know if you read my sixth self-published book?
No.
Why not?
I was able to relive some of the more
intimate moments
from that long President's weekend.
You know.
Fictionally, of course.
Um.
Say it.
She-- she's smelling me.
What's up, Shannon?
Hi--
You ever feel like one of those things?
What things?
Those things. The urinal loaf.
I think it's-- I think it's called a cake.
It's a urinal cake.
Ever feel like one of those?
You know, just...
a huge target on your back.
So big, you can't miss even when you're drunk.
People just love shooting
their hard stream of hot piss right up your ass?
Like it's a game?
You ever feel like that?
-All the time. -Constantly, yeah.
You guys are all right.
Let me give you my card.
What the--
Well, look at that.
That's gotta be 20 years old.
Here you go.
DJ Shades.
See you guys after, right?
No, Dougie. That's so gross.
Don't reach into-- Ew!
It's sealed.
Come on there's gotta be an expiration date
on that shit. Let's go.
No, Dougie. No, Dougie!
Okay, okay. Wait. Maybe.
Maybe it's like wine, it gets better with age.
Who would know?
Karen.
Boys?
-In here. -Sweet.
-Come on. Go, go, go, go. -Okay, okay.
Let me see the stuff? Ooh.
How old is it?
Ah, possibly decades.
That color is concerning.
What is the worst that could happen?
Sinusoid polyps, paralysis, early onset death.
So, kind of hard to say.
Do I need to write up a detention?
What are you three up to?
Nothing, Madame D'coy.
Actually, the boys reclaimed some vintage cocaine
and we're trying to decide if it's safe to ingest.
-Hand it over Douglas -Yes, ma'am.
-Oh, my. -Madame D'coy, you okay?
Been a long time, Travis.
-No, I'm a state employee now. -I said.
Hmm-mm.
What do you say we flee this bordel, you and I?
-Uh, I'm Doug's ride. -I can Uber.
-Um, take me home, Trav. -You know,
they say the inside of a nostril
has more pleasure receptors than the vagina.
Okay, I'm gonna go see
if the caterers are restocking the kale Caesar.
I'm gonna help her with that.
Hmm.
Whoa!
Thought you were just really excited to see me.
Sorry.
That's cool.
Your phone screen
is lighting up your cleavage.
-God's pocket.
It's smaller than that.
This next song reminds me of an evening I spent
with Paul Westerberg at the Hilton in Austin.
Lasted four days.
Let's make some twirls. Here we go.
Then you get in tight and I go.
Hey.
-Hey, man. What's up? -You tell me.
Not much. Getting a drink. Need anything?
For you to stop molesting my friend out there.
Oh. Are you guys together?
What? Uh...
No.
Oh, all right.
Look man I'm here with those two Yugoslavian pretzels, all right?
This? This is just dancing.
Oh, it's just dancing.
Okay. You zoot suit-wearing motherfucker.
The zoot suit?
I guess we all don't get to wear steel-toed shoes
to work every day.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Times change, Trevo.
See, you were the shit in High School.
In fact, you took a shit on the hood of my Oldsmobile.
Yeah, coz you called it the, uh,
-Shitmobile. -Yeah.
That was funny, yeah.
You know what wasn't funny?
My dad saved up for six months to surprise me with that.
I didn't want to go home to show him it.
So, instead,
I stood in that parking lot
and I cleaned it in front of everybody.
Yeah.
You were the shit, man.
But today,
today you couldn't take a shit on all the cars I own.
Even if I gave you a month to do it.
Unless you have cholera, or something.
-Fuck you. -Travis.
-Stop it. -No, it's okay.
Karma's a bitch, bro.
-You wanna dance? -I just did!
With your girl.
Whoa! Hey!
That's 12 years of jiu-jitsu, you dumb bitch.
Kick his ass, Trav!
All right, sailors, that's enough.
Mike? Where's Mike?
I want a prom king recount, right now, motherfucker.
Whoo! Let's go.
I get a hazard bonus for fights, FYI.
-Check the contract. -Michael.
Uh, we're gonna leave.
Oh, really? Already?
Figured the main event would
last more than two rounds.
Not sure I got my money's worth.
Okay, I'll walk you to the door.
-Fuck that guy. -Yeah, fuck that guy.
-I was about to fuck him up. -Yeah, you were.
If he hadn't thrown you to the ground and pinned you,
completely immobilizing your arms, legs, and body,
you'd have totally fucked him up.
-My heart's really pounding. -That's normal.
You think it's from the fight or from the cocaine?
Yes.
Good job, son.
-Lovely party. -Glad someone had a good time.
Not us, but someone.
You okay, Pops?
Wouldn't be here if I weren't.
-Goodnight, dear. -Night, Momma.
You should apply for that job.
-Think so? -What job?
What the hell? All they can tell you, is no.
-What job?
This evening is testing my true faith in humanity.
Oh, seriously, who farted?
Uh, that would be me.
Uh, deviled eggs don't eat themselves.
All right, you kiddies get outta here.
-Send Pam in. -All right.
She's not out here, bro.
Where'd she go?
Hey! We should do one shirtless.
Fuck it, let's do it.
Hey. Enough with the '80s already.
-Ain't that the truth. -It's time to move on.
-Am I right? -Yes.
High five.
Give me the keys, mayor.
All right. All yours.
Jeez.
Moving on, fuckbags.
Hey, man. Have you seen my wife?
-Your wife? -Yeah.
You know the Hebrew word for wife is "eesha".
Which literally means "my woman".
"Eesh" being the word for "man".
Appreciate your help.
Fuck me.
-It's not what you think. -No?
Uh...
Pretty sure it's exactly what I think.
I just-- I needed a quiet place to send a quick email.
Quick email? This is a war room.
You have a problem, Pam.
No, that's-- that's not true.
I think I've been in denial this whole time.
There's no going back from this.
You're a deal junkie.
That's-- that's not fair.
I don't think you're in a position
to rule on what's fair.
Councilor.
Good luck with your deal.
Mike. Wait.
I do it for you. I do it for the kids. I do it for us.
Bounce! Bounce!
-Find the missus? -I did.
Where is she?
Faxing her boyfriend in the janitor's closet.
Hoo. That sounds hot.
Thanks for the support.
-Madame. -You've lost your shirt.
Oh, yeah. I guess I have.
"There's scarcely any passion without struggle."
What's that?
Albert Camus.
Friend of yours?
No, just a hero
who has the courage
to drive himself into a tree.
Cool.
You know, the surprise is supposed to be
your guests hiding from you, not you hiding from you guests?
What's the matter?
I'm just...
so fucking exhausted.
This is they part they don't tell you
about being an adult. It's just so fucking tiring.
You okay?
Will you help me pack?
Yes, I'll help you pack.
Is that a fax machine?
Yeah.
You're a psycho.
Oh, Travis!
We're so primal!
I want to rip off your face like a praying mantis.
Okay. Shut up. Shut up.
You can't silence my passions!
They will not be squelched.
-I shower you. I shower you. -What is--
-Stop that! Stop that! -My passion.
-Shower you. -What is wrong with you, lady?
Come on.
Gentlemen.
I think your girl has gone rogue.
Karen! Karen!
Karen!
Why don't you come down here
and call me Hamburglar to my face?
And for the record?
I was a hipster before we were ever even called that.
You just invited us to
make fun of us on your text chain.
Like you did when we were kids.
We didn't even have texts back then,
-Elvira.
We would draw pictures of you and pass it around
on folded-up notes.
Oh.
-Hey. -Hi.
Did you just come out of the--
Ooh, my bad. I gotta go find--
Do you have a cigar?
Um, sorry, I don't smoke.
Ah. A delusional life extender.
Your kind disgusts me.
Get out of here.
-Thank you. -You okay?
-Yeah. Thank you. -All right.
You guys are the same cliquey assholes
you were in High School.
Except with a net worth that's a fraction of mine.
And most of that is Pam's.
Pam, good job. I'm a fan.
Thank you.
What the fuck is that?
-What the fuck is what? -All over your face?
You smell like Mike and Ikes.
Oh. Uh.
Seriously?
What?
Again with Professor McGonagall?
-What do you care? -That's a...
great, fucking question.
Yeah. Well, bon-fucking-jour.
-Bon, dear, bon. -Get outta here.
Right. That's enough!
You folks are worse than a shipload of sailors
on a one-night pass.
You ought to get out more often.
And by get out, I mean some place other than here.
We haven't had cake yet.
Enough with the fucking cake, already, Dougie.
Anything you leave can be claimed
on the street in the morning.
Savages!
Jesus Christ. I can't believe
I skipped Animal Planet for this horseshit.
Who wants to get a real drink?
I own a bar downtown.
I've never been there, but it gets good profit.
-You had me at "your own bar". -All right.
Oh, Michael? I knew you wouldn't be
much of an opponent, but I just felt bad for you.
Sitting at home with your kids all day,
posting all those mopey pictures.
I thought this might cheer you up, but, um,
if you can't figure out a way to
wrangle a few digital sheep into a pen,
then maybe you shouldn't be playing this game at all.
So, I guess I'm gonna be heading out with those guys. So.
Hey, you guys wanna get an Uber to my mom's house?
Sure.
I'll get my own. Thanks.
At this rate I'll probably sober up in time
to take my 7 a.m. power yoga class.
-Are you kidding me right now? -What?
You're just gonna take the loss, call it a night?
I tried to pay off the old sea hag,
but he's not letting us back in there.
I don't mean to go back in there.
That's where you guys wanted to spend my birthday.
Did it ever occur to you to wonder
what I would wanna do on my birthday?
Where do you wanna go tonight?
I don't know. Just something where I'm the decider.
Maybe you're never the decider
because you don't know what you wanna do.
Shut up, Doug. I'm thinking.
Oh.
Fine.
I know what I wanna do.
-Then call it. -I wanna go toilet papering.
Ah, four-eyed Phyllis?
You know she only has two eyes now.
I don't--
I don't care is she's blind or not blind,
I wanna do that shit up.
-Savage. -Her dad...
just installed a surveillance camera.
It's easily disabled.
From what I have read on the internet.
Are you serious, Councilor?
Serious as a cease-and-desist.
I don't think it's a good idea.
You never took me along
to vandalize
that poor girl's house. Not once.
Oh, my God. Did we hurt your feeling?
Dude, I spent my entire youth
wishing I could hang out with you guys.
And this is what I was missing?
Yeah.
What's it to you?
Where are you going?
I'm going downtown to get a drink.
Hey. Do you want me to come with you?
No.
You take my sister toilet papering.
But you almost did it, Doug.
I'm proud of you.
If I was just a little bit drunker
and you still had all your teeth,
you could've made this work out.
Progress was made, big buddy.
Progress was made.
Phyllis go home?
She did.
Are you the guy that toilet papers
her folks' house?
She said he came in tonight.
No.
I'm just a very diligent wiper.
Looks like you're ready for business, then.
Yes.
Hey, Mr. Whipple, car's here, let's go.
Well, we all have our special gifts.
-I saw you eat a piece of pizza. -It was delicious.
Hey, my man, you mind killing these lights?
Dude turn off the lights.
I think he's concerned he's Ubering us
on a drive-by.
-Stop! -What!
-That's it. -What's it?
That's the song I've been requesting all night.
Dude, this song is from 2006.
Yeah, Dougie, you know this is the song that band was playing
when you stage-dived and broke your clavicle.
Oh. At the Osteoporosis Benefit.
No wonder he didn't know what I was talking about.
It's go-time, people.
Don't worry, I got you, Boo. Four stars.
You lose one because of that Funyun smell in here.
Guys, are we really feeling this?
I'm kinda tired and the babysitter
just hit triple digits.
-Don't be a pussy, Mike. -Whoa. A pussy? Okay.
Three hours ago you called me a dick, now I'm a pussy.
Who's the dick now, Captain TP?
Okay, ever since text-a-palooza happened, over here
-it's become a fluid situation. -Ouch.
-Give me one of those. -I got you, babe.
Thank you. It's. You know, tomorrow's a new day. Okay?
What is happening?
I like 40-year old Pam. She's a badass.
I'm going in.
Oh. Leroy Jenkins!
What can I get you, mademoiselle?
Do you know what happened to the last man
who said that to me?
Oh, you smothered him with your furious passion,
but denied him the honey of your fruits,
causing him to wither into a husk
of eternal longing and desperation?
How did you know?
I'm not a chimp.
Hey, isn't that Pam's sister?
Well, I'll be Steven Patrick Morrissey, it is.
Your sister's a real piece of work.
Yeah, she is.
She stupidly married into a fraternity,
but she works harder than all of us,
and she still has time to raise two rad kids.
Yeah, well, complicity is culpability.
She's not the only lawyer up in here.
Pam didn't remember the defining night
of my adolescence.
Sleeping in your dark living room.
Crawling into my sleeping bag.
Caressing cabbage patches in the dark.
What are you talking about? That wasn't Pam, that was me.
-No. -Yeah.
It wasn't--
-Yeah. -Wait.
What?
Remember, Sting threw up on a pillow,
we had to share one and you were wearing those
Thundercat underoos.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah.
You were, like, the first edgy girl I'd ever seen.
So mysterious. Smoking those cloves.
In your short skirts and those Doc Martens.
I even hooked up with a girl freshmen year
in my dorms who looked like you.
-You don't say. -True story.
You know Klaus Martens was a doctor in World War II?
Broke his ankle skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
And found that the standard wehrmacht boots
were too painful, so he invented his own.
Okay. Thanks for the update, Anne Frank.
So, where's the royal court tonight?
Smashing mailboxes, tipping cows?
Close. A toilet papering mission.
Did you say toilet papering?
That pot-bellied motherfucker!
I thought she was asleep the whole time.
-All right. -Hey.
Bro.
Go take it, big boy. Go, take it.
Yes! Yes, yes...
That's it. Yeah, sweetheart. Good one.
Here we go.
-Gotcha! -Get out of the way.
Nice.
Time to bring in the closer.
Still got it.
-It's beautiful. -It really is.
What if I was meant to do this?
TP homes?
I'm serious, dude.
What if I was meant to do this?
I'm decidedly mediocre at everything.
I always have been.
I mean, Pam's a super lawyer.
Karen can design a store-front window
that nobody can ignore.
Mikey can throw a baseball 100 miles an hour.
Jesus, what can't you do?
Resist 65-year old poutine, evidently.
I mean, what if I was put on God's green earth
to do this?
If you put it as your profession on your Schedule C,
you could probably write off the toilet paper.
Oh, shit.
Cops.
-Quickly, quickly. -Save these.
-Let's go. -Come on, come on.
-Come on. Follow me. -My bag!
Follow me.
Guys?
Come on, sweetheart. Fast as you can.
Hurry, hurry, hurry. Come on, give me your hand.
-Grab one.
What are you doing?
These bags are our life, are you kidding me I can't leave them.
Leave the bag, please, I beg you.
-Bag two.
-Okay. -Dammit. Give me your hand.
-Okay. Good. Pull, pull, pull. -Ow! I got a splinter.
Sweetheart.
I feel like I have a tweezer in my bag.
Put your hands up and walk slowly out to the tre.
Give it, give it. Come on!
-Get your foot up there. -Oh. Oh. Ow.
-Ma'am. -Handcuffs? Come on.
Ma'am, calm down.
-Pam! -Ow. Ow.
-Watch the phone. -I've got my own.
Let's go, ladies. Come on.
Excuse me, I am an attorney.
-Okay? -Oh, good.
Then you can represent yourself.
Fuck.
-Fuck. -The rest ran away.
Where's Pam?
The cops got her.
Dude you saved the crocodile and not your wife?
Dude, she could be disbarred for this.
Why didn't you just let them take you?
It's not like you got a job.
I didn't think of that.
She's gonna be so pissed.
We can't leave her in jail.
She's too pretty and kind.
Yeah, and her kids will be orphans.
Financially speaking.
All right.
Let's go down to the station,
tell them the whole story,
and we'll offer ourselves in exchange.
They'll let her out, right?
I don't think cops barter, buddy.
But if that's what you wanna do, I'm down for whatever.
-Clearly,mon ami. -Come on.
It's not mine. Mine's a duck.
-Hello? -Hey Pam?
Um, no, this is her husband.
The one who hasn't seen her in three weeks.
Because you're too pussy to cut down a couple of trees.
Clearly you don't know who I a.
I know exactly who you are.
You are the prick who can't tie his own fucking shoelaces
without calling my wife in the middle of the night.
Why don't you just put Pam on?
I would love to put her on the phone,
but the cops just took her to jail.
Because she is so stressed,
holding your tiny, little hands, Richard,
to support our family,
that she took it out on four-eyed Phyllis.
Who has her own house now
and doesn't even have four eyes anymore!
Oh, shit.
-Okay, now I'm in trouble. -That was bad.
♪ Just last night I was reminded of ♪
♪ Just how bad it had gotten ♪
Guys?
Stop. Stop.
Oh, shit.
Where are you folks headed?
-Like I'm telling you, copper. -Shut the fuck up, Dougie.
We're headed down to the station.
I think you just arrested my wife.
I figured you were the fools that threw a surprise party
before her deal was closed.
She said that to you?
Yeah, she did.
The pressure gets to people, man. Sometimes they pop.
Well, I was hoping that--
you would take me instead. Can we do an exchange?
It doesn't work like that, Tom Cruise.
Travis?
Hey.
How'd you end up with these idiots?
Uh, are you kidding? He's the chief idiot.
Not now.
Is there anything I can do?
Other than lose your job with good benefits
because you and your friends decided
to relive your juvenile delinquency?
Come on, Castillo. We're the assholes
who did the toilet papering. Pam wasn't supposed to be there.
It's not recommended for civilians.
-Dude. -Hey, get it cleaned up.
I'll convince them not to press charges.
You? Get in the car, Maverick.
Really? Oh, thank you.
We'll take care of the yard. Go get your woman.
-Good luck, Mike. -Let's go pick up
the toilet paper.
Love you, Mike.
You're a life saver, thank you so much.
No.
Hey, K. I'm sorry.
Hey. Come on. Karen.
I know I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
Of course you fucked up.
You always fuck up.
Especially when it seems we're on the verge of thinking
that whatever this mess of lip blisters and broken dreams
has been for the last 30 years,
is finally coming to fucking fruition.
Hold on. You never once told me how you really felt,
-so how am I-- -No, no, no.
You don't get to play dumb anymore.
You fucking sabotage this every chance you get.
-That's not true. -You know,
I have always wondered why I'm not good enough for you.
When the real fucking question is
why I ever thought you were good enough for me.
Doug!
Give me the damn skippy.
Richard?
They wouldn't let me buy your way out.
So, I'm on my way in.
You-- you paid to get in here?
Actually, I think the term they used
was attempting to bribe an officer of the law, but...
I assured them my attorney would prove my innocence.
Oh, I can't even go to jail without you bothering me.
Your husband has made it abundantly clear
that I have boundary issues.
Wait. You spoke to Mike?
He gave me a piece of his mind
about how I've been abusing you.
He's protective.
Seems unstable.
Well you would be unstable too
if you had to take care of two kids,
do all the laundry, and the cooking,
and just hear nothing but complaints
from your unappreciative wife
for throwing her a lovely surprise party.
All because she has a very stubborn client
who won't just pay to remove
a couple of willow trees from an easement.
I have been a pain in the ass.
Because I let you.
I am a deal junkie.
If it helps,
I did what you told me to do.
Oh, boy.
I talked to doctor, uh, douche-bag,
face-to-face.
And we agreed one of us would pay for the tree removal
and the other one would waive the encroachment.
Wait, wait.
So the deal was back on?
-Soon as I can sign the papers. -Which I have with me.
I think I have the papers with me.
That is if Mike got them off the lawn
when I was hog-tied.
Just hold on.
Hey, guys.
You should be in jail by now.
We should,
but unfortunately,
Pam is the only one that was incarcerated.
Mike's worried she might get disbarred.
We were hoping if we cleaned up the mess,
you might drop the charges.
Why do you do this?
My dad is a saint and he has enough to worry about
without all this bullshit.
Not that you'd care.
I care.
What's wrong?
What isn't?
My dad spends half his week at hospitals
and I moved back home and I quit my job and...
Whatever.
My mom has a bum thyroid.
Mine has skin cancer.
Mine's gone.
Two months ago.
I'm really sorry.
About everything.
Life.
So beautiful.
And so fleeting.
Hey!
You did this!
Yes, sir.
I did.
Me too.
And me!
Spartacus.
Sure.
Whatever.
Sorry, Dad.
We'll clean it up.
You all need to grow up.
-Your dad's nice. -He's not wrong.
So, I guess I just start cleaning up, or--
You know, they should have a place
where adults can go and TP and let off steam
without the fear of their spouse being arrested.
I'd invest in that.
Really?
Well, why not?
They got adult coloring books,
those mature fidget spinners.
Couldn't be dumber than that shit.
Let's do it.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey. I got it. I got it.
Listen, you know this.
I don't have the best luck with
people sticking around in my life.
But you're still here.
And the thing that--
fucking scares me,
really, fucking scares me,
is that we give this a go and you leave me too.
Well.
You better man-the-fuck-up.
Motherfucker.
All this papier toilette
and still so much mèrde in the world.
Dude, come on.
Oh, baby.
-I'm so sorry-- -Tell me you have my bags.
Of course I do.
Oh, this is Mike.
We spoke on the phone.
-Oh, you're-- -Real husband meet work husband.
This is Richard.
All right. We have a deal to close.
Here's the last one.
I'd be lost without your wife.
Ditto, man. She's the best.
Get some rest, Pamela.
Call me, if there are any last-second hiccups.
Pamela Young!
Holy shit.
Look at you.
You never cease to amaze me.
I...
I appreciate everything that you do for us.
I'm so sorry that I hijacked your birthday.
I'm sorry that I jumped that fence before you.
-That will never happen again. -Gosh, don't say sorry.
I finally got to TP a house.
And I still closed my deal.
Plus, your birthday is coming up real soon, so.
You'd better watch your...
ass.
Nice pants, man.
Happy birthday!
What did I say about surprises?
-Look. -Aw.
It should be about the Cubs.
Tell me what the Socks have done lately.
-Michael. -Oh. Hey, Coach.
-Where are your pants, son? -Oh, uh...
Pam's birthday. Long story.
Uh, I've been meaning to call you.
Don't know if you've heard,
I already told him all that stuff.
Get on with it, I've got a double-header.
Having trouble finding a replacement.
I don't have a teaching credential.
Fortunately, your services aren't needed to teach Physics.
Oh, good. Yeah, I, uh,
the only reason I passed was by copying Pam anyway.
Well, why don't you come by and see me on Monday.
We'll talk about it.
-Yes, sir. -And, uh, Mike,
wear some god damn pants.
I'm gonna ask the principal to come by.
Pants. Check.
Oh, and, uh, happy birthday, Pam.
Oh, thanks, Coach.
I'm sure I could still get the kids to school.
You know practices are in the afternoon, a few weekend games.
Mike.
Pam.
Michael.
Pamela.
I see you.
I appreciate you.
And I love you.
And if this is what makes you happy,
then that's what I want you to do.
So am I still on sexy time restriction?
Upgraded to probation.
-I love you, Pam. -I love you too.
Now, will you please, for the love of God,
take me home.
Yes, ma'am.
Hi.
Hey, I'm thinking about investing.
-Hmm. -Assisted living,
I hear that's your thing.
Yeah, I mean, well.
-I'm a transactional attorney. -Oh.
So, yeah.
Could you help me with that?
Sure.
-That'd be really great. -Okay.
Thank you.
Sure.
Did you know? Napoleon used to be six-seven.
He lost his kneecaps in a ballroom dancing accident
when he was a-- when he was a teenager.
And they clashed him down about three feet.
-Wow. -So.
Did you that LSD was originally invented