-WOMAN: Is this heaven? -MAN: It's hell.
[VOICES CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING CONTINUES]
DEATH: [SHOUTING] I am with someone!
MAN: Sorry.
Oh. They're an absolute nightmare today.
Is this death?
[CHUCKLES] Obviously.
How did I... How did I get here?
Watch, Sam Vimes, watch.
MAN: Stop, citizen.
Sam, what are you doing here?
It's just a patrol.
You know him?
-You said only the captain. -You said you'd do it.
What's the matter with you? You've been in there a month.
As long as people that are dead have all the power,
we stay in the gutter.
You made a promise.
Keep it.
Get our brothers and sisters out of there.
Finish off Keel.
VIMES: Do I have to watch all this again?
DEATH: Actually, you do.
What happened to Sergeant Swires?
Carcer Dun.
Got your whole gang locked up.
Not my whole gang.
One of them works for you.
Is that why you joined up?
-Do it, Sam. -Don't listen, Sam.
-Come home. -He is home.
Who saved you from the streets?
Kept you alive.
The Watch is just another gang.
See, that's where you're wrong, Sam.
The Watch is hope, justice.
[SCOFFS]
It could save this city as could Sam.
In 20 years' time, he'll become a captain.
An inspiration. A symbol of good.
You...
...have the right to remain silent.
Where were we with this?
DEATH: Are you paying attention, Vimes?
URDO VAN PEW: Help! Help me!
The kid's insane.
DEATH: I told you to watch.
I'm gonna piss on you.
CARROT: Oi, stop that thief, mate.
VIMES: Just hold it right there.
Hey, hey! Stop him!
VIMES: Sergeant Detritus.
Captain, where is your suspect?
He got away.
Again.
We'll get him next time.
Let's go get pissed.
Hey, stop! Thief!
[GRUNTS]
You're dead, you know that? Dead.
What is wrong with you?
I'm Constable Carrot Ironfoundersson.
Just transferred in from the Copper Red mountains.
Stop struggling.
We'll be at The Watch House, soon.
-We're going to The Watch House? -Is that okay with you?
-[LAUGHING] -All right. Laugh it up.
See if it's so funny in a few years
when you're doing hard time in there.
Welcome to the home of Ankh-Morpork's
finest crime fighters.
You get anything other
than fresh air and flowers
in the mountains?
Like, news maybe?
[WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN BY THE BANGLES PLAYS]
Wow.
There's more pigeons than police in here.
ANGUA: It's the ring of Vulgaris.
Only find that blossom in the mountains.
You're late, Constable.
Corporal Angua.
Got a detective on our hands.
I caught this bag snatcher.
I'll take him down to the cells.
A punishment for laying his hands on me.
-His death. -What?
I wanna watch the execution.
Am I missing something?
Don't forget your swag.
Vetinari will hear of this.
[BOLT FIRES]
He's head of the Thieves' Guild.
But he stole in broad daylight.
They're allowed to steal.
Welcome to Ankh-Morpork.
What exactly do we do here?
MAN: My Lord, he's here.
And I'm afraid he's brought his troll.
VIMES: Look, go easy on the floor tiles, Sarge.
Don't worry. I've lost weight since the last time.
Yes, that's quite far enough, Sergeant Detritus.
I'm sorry to interrupt your very important work, Vimes.
But perhaps you could explain to me
why the head of the Thieves' Guild
said he was arrested...
...for stealing.
Uh, mistakes are a mistake.
VETINARI: No, the allegation was very clear.
Constable Ironfoundersson.
Ah, well, there you go, sir.
No one of that name in The Watch.
-So we'll go about my duties. -Captain. Captain.
The new boy. The dwarf.
Oh.
Come here, Vimes.
DETRITUS: Go on.
-Your... -Hmm?
Oh. Sorry.
-A moment. -I know you feel your status
couldn't get any lower
in this city after the growth of the guilds.
And that you have...
[SCOFFS, GRUNTS]
...catastrophic low self-esteem.
-[ZIPPER CLOSING] -[SIGHS SOFTLY]
But I want you to marshal all the resources at your disposal.
The Librarian from Unseen University
has reported that a book has been stolen from his shelves.
He says that it's very red.
Popular title, sir.
The colour, Vimes. Red scalehide.
So, uh, you want me to use
all the resources at my disposal
to find a library book?
This is very serious, Vimes.
A Librarian's happiness is at stake.
And he insists that it was stolen, not lost.
Well, I'll... I'll...
...give it all I've got, sir.
Send for the stonemason, would you?
The troll has wrecked my floor again.
VIMES: Let's go.
DETRITUS: Uh-huh. Got you.
ANGUA: Eyes down, ears on me.
-Constable... -Carrot.
My name's not because of my hair, you know.
My body shape tapers down from my shoulders.
What I'll tell you is more interesting and it'll keep you alive.
Twenty years back, there was a massive crime wave.
Gangs running so wild, The Watch couldn't keep up.
So Vetinari brought the ancient guilds
out of the shadows and legalised them.
Figured if crime's gonna be so normal,
might as well organise it yourself.
You want to steal, join the Thieves' Guild.
Need somebody killed, go to the Assassins' Guild.
Where I'm from, that's murder.
Here they call it information.
Even leave a receipt.
As long as everyone keeps within their quotas,
crime stays lower than it's ever been.
-And The Watch? -They'll have to work twice as hard to cut crime.
All the guild's got to do is...
Work less.
Breed them smart in the mountains.
Bet no dwarf criminal saw the sun when you were around.
Well, actually, I'm a dwarf.
Also not a dwarf. I was adopted,
but I've got the best deduction rate of anyone in my unit.
-23 colours. -I'm sure.
Well, also not.
You won't be taking anyone down here.
It's a good gig for laying low.
I didn't come here to lay low.
I came here because
Captain Sam Vimes personally requested my presence.
Really? All the way from the mountains?
The blossom.
It took me five days to hike down here from home.
How come you can still smell it on me?
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Are bar fights illegal?
Depends who's fighting. Hey!
[SIGHS] Really?
[GRUNTING]
MAN: Let's go. Come on, let's get out of here.
VIMES: Angua!
Say this for the new boy, Captain.
Taking a long time to get himself killed in there.
You're coming with me, drug-dealing scum.
What are you doing, Constable?
You're Captain Vimes?
But you were trying to urinate on that dog.
Pissed on another dog, sir?
It was pissing on me first, Angua.
[HUSHED] We're really gonna nail that wee bastard.
Uh-huh.
This man was carrying a large supply
of the narcotic I believe you call Slab.
He freely admits to it.
And to the trafficking of the drug.
Wait.
This too?
Hong. Alchemist Guild. 12:42.
You gonna execute him?
Sir, his dispute with another Alchemist
has led to public disorder and damage.
Surely both within our jurisdiction.
VIMES: I think on this occasion we can forget
about the disorder and the damage.
Vetinari's gonna destroy The Watch for this.
I don't like it either, kid, but I don't make the rules.
CARROT: Rules?
With all due respect, Captain, none of this makes sense.
No one said anything to me about...
[INAUDIBLE]
DEATH: Watch, Sam Vimes, watch.
Watch closely, now.
YOUNG VIMES: Carcer Dun...
I'm arresting you. You have the right to remain silent.
Okay. We can solve this.
Yeah, it's all right.
CARCER: How could you do this to us?
VIMES: Where'd you go?
KEEL: Sam knows that this is his second chance
and he won't throw it away.
-No! -[KEEL GRUNTS]
YOUNG VIMES: What have you done?
CARCER: What have you done?
-[GROANS] -Captain. Captain.
[GROANS] You're the captain now.
YOUNG VIMES: You...
...have the right to remain...
Oh, this is gonna hurt.
YOUNG VIMES: ...silent.
-[GASPS] -...poison in him.
-It's not poison. -CHEERY: Actually, it is poison.
-[VIMES WHEEZING] -But good poison.
Klatchian coffee.
It'll sober you up quicker than anything.
-I've gone blind. -Only temporarily.
No, wait, I'm having a vision.
See?
Stars, the universe...
So many worlds.
-Is he supposed to be... -He's totally fine.
[SCREAMS]
That's only happened once before.
Must have gotten the wrong concentration.
It's driven him back through sobriety and out the other side where no mind should go.
This will help him out. Hey, Captain.
Captain... Captain.
[COUGHS, INHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, you need another sip.
Otherwise you'll start seeing that pixie in the corner of your eye.
His name's Trevor. He cannot be reasoned with.
Cheery's our forensic officer.
Nothing she doesn't know about potions and powders.
-She? -She.
Me.
Oh. [BURPS]
Well... [GRUNTS]
Morning, team.
From Vetinari. We are to use every resource at our disposal.
I can look at that, sir.
Are you wearing sandals, Constable?
Get downstairs and get yourself a pair of boots, boy.
A library book.
You heard your captain.
Your liver is gonna leave you
if you keep on treating her like this.
You believe in ghosts, Cheery?
Only those two goth ghosts that keep following me around,
staring at me from the balcony on Thursdays.
Want me to join their band.
They won't take no for an answer.
Earlier on, I, I thought I...
No, I know. I saw the man...
who did this.
Carcer Dun is dead, Captain.
No, he was standing right in front of me.
-Sir... -Like you are now.
-He can't have been. -I should have arrested him.
Maybe this is your second chance.
If you're so sure, prove it.
You're a cop.
Find him.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
CARROT: Hold it right there.
Constable Carrot Ironfoundersson of City Watch.
Oh, yeah? Where you going in such a hurry?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Good evening, Mrs Gob Swallow. I... Oh.
You're under arrest. Stop or I will...
You! I know it was you.
You stole it, didn't you?
You're stole the library...
The library book.
Pathetic.
FEMALE: VOICE: I thought you were very commanding.
What?
Did you see all of that?
That's a great arse.
Another one.
Found that book yet?
No, I haven't found it
because weirdly nobody cares about
a stolen library book around here.
I've been looking through your paperwork.
And all any of you have done
in a city full of thieves and killers
is shoot a bunch of innocent pigeons and chase a dog.
Bad dog.
I don't think it's gonna work out for me here.
By the way, whatever monster
you've been keeping in cell 19 is out.
[GRUNTING] No monster.
Hey, take it easy, Sarge. It's okay.
I'm giving Captain Vimes my resignation and I'm going home.
You won't find him.
He'll be asleep in some gutter by now.
My turn.
Huh?
Sorry.
-Who's that? -I'm Sam Vimes from the City Watch.
Piss off, I'm painting.
I order you to give me that slide.
I'll bite your finger.
Who do you think you are?
Watch, my arse. How dare you interrupt an artist.
CARCER: Who saved you? Kept you alive?
The Watch has just never cared.
YOUNG VIMES: Carcer, stop.
There's nowhere to go.
CARCER: Nowhere for you to go either, Sam.
WOMAN: [OVER PA] Unseen University warns you,
all citizens to keep away from the sewers.
A creature has escaped his lab...
Oh. Where are you two going?
Keep away from the sewers.
Keep away...
I always thought we were brothers.
[CARCER SCREAMS]
Told you.
I'll leave him a note
and you'll never have to see me again.
It's father's handwriting.
Why would he be sending the captain a letter?
Yeah, we shouldn't be in here.
"He's a good kid, but he's grown so big.
"The other day he hit his head on a hoist
"and nearly brought down the entire mineshaft.
"People are scared.
"I'm scared."
That hoist was way too low. The shortest dwarf...
Why don't you join us downstairs?
"We think he'll be safer if he's in the big City Watch.
"So will we."
Captain didn't ask for me.
Did he?
My father wanted rid.
That's who Sam Vimes is.
Helps people who have nowhere else to go.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
VIMES: Never trust an alchemist.
[GROANING]
DETRITUS: Carrot, why did you become a cop?
I always thought I was just...
...a large dwarf.
Special.
When I was 16, my parents came and sat on my lap
and told me that my height and width wasn't down to good nutrition.
I was just human.
Someone threw me down a mineshaft.
Like I was nothing.
I landed on the woman who'd go on to become my dwarf mother.
Now, who does that?
Now, who throws a baby...
...down a mountain mine...
...at a dwarf?
So you became a cop to stop people from throwing babies at dwarves?
[ALL LAUGHING]
CHEERY: At least you were accepted in your mine.
Buried all us kids under beards.
First thing I did when I got here was shave.
Were you adopted as well?
You seem very tall for a dwarf.
We come in all sizes down there.
What about you, Sarge?
Why did you join The Watch?
Why did you have to go and save me? Huh?
ANGUA: He doesn't like to talk about it.
But I'll show you why I'm here.
You asked how I could still pick up that blossom scent after five days.
I'll look after anything she can hurt herself with after she turns.
Turns?
You're a werewolf.
Didn't I say we've got a detective on our hands?
[CHUCKLING]
Why don't you just keep the light out?
Stay like this?
Because I'm not just this.
Like you're not just a human.
Most humans would have run by now or tried to kill me.
Sarge?
Shame. No monster.
[ANGUA GRUNTING]
[VOICE DISTORTING]
[SNORTS]
[METAL CLANGS]
MAN: Here she comes.
[STRAINS]
Whoo!
Well...
I hope you're better behaved than he is today.
Excuse me.
We raise hands if you want to speak.
-You... -Hands.
-Uh... -Hand?
-You... -Raise your hand. Hand?
Raise your hand.
-Yes. -You're on fire.
Oh. So I am.
He always gets like that when I try to worm him.
Good morning, class.
ALL: [WEAKLY] Good morning, ma'am.
Who here would like to explain to our new classmate
what these sessions are all about?
Anyone?
No?
All right, I'll do it.
I brought you here because you've been brainwashed
into believing that crime is a legitimate profession.
But I am here to save you from this delusion.
-Um... -Hand.
Oh.
Yes.
I'm not a criminal.
Good.
You're not a criminal.
You're a victim.
Of a system designed to make things better
but actually only perpetuates...
No, no, no. I'm... I'm really not a criminal.
I'm not even a member of a guild.
I haven't done anything wrong.
I'm...
...Captain Vimes of The Watch.
-The Watch? -Mmm-hmm.
You're interfering with an official investigation.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Into what?
Tell us, I'm sure we'd all love to hear it.
Yes.
It's, uh, classified information.
Are you investigating the fact that our streets
are crawling with assassins who not only murder with impunity
but with professional pride?
Meanwhile...
everybody just carries on.
-Going to work... -[STRAINING]
...eating, sleeping, not running around in
a constant state of panic, wondering how everyone around you can just carry on
without ripping their tongues out
and strangling each other
at the state of it all.
So...
Mr Police Officer, I'll make it easy for you.
You have ten seconds to tell me or I'll feed you to Goodboy.
Goodboy?
Ten seconds.
-Can I just... -Shh!
-But... -Shh!
Quiet. Some old clients are trying to recruit a new band member.
I've told you.
I'm not interested.
Ghosts again?
It's harassment.
What's that?
Clack machine.
Today's cases.
Tree stuck up a cat, witch being sarcastic,
sewer monster eating another street.
-So you think this shows... -Carcer Dun.
...who's come back from the dead after 20 years,
hasn't aged a day and is now stockpiling Slab.
After a double crossing and murdering an alchemist.
Also crushing an imp.
-An imp? -Hmm.
I don't think I introduced myself.
My name is Lady Sybil Ramkin.
Is this absolutely necessary?
I'm afraid it is.
[GRUNTS]
I'm warning you.
I might not be in the best shape but I will hit a woman.
You're in appalling shape.
You need help.
-Me? -No meat on the rump.
Barely any length of bone.
Taking on the guilds...
Your vigilante act is the most deranged thing I've ever seen.
Bet you haven't been wormed in years.
You're a terrorist.
You know... I suppose I am.
What happened to you?
[KNOCKING]
Sarge?
So, a public drinking fountain's been blocked.
They can all drink somewhere else, can't they?
It's blocked because there's a dead body in it.
-Drowned. -What, after their throat was cut?
Then it's an inhumation.
There's no mention of a receipt.
If it was the Assassins' Guild, wouldn't there be one?
Says here the body was found in Sator Square.
There you go. Suicide.
Anyone walking alone around there is committing suicide.
Then I'll be committing suicide.
Stop right there, Constable.
Your buttons are all over the place.
This...
Angua, this is a murder.
It's time we stopped watching.
Go get the others.
Why are you trying to change people?
I don't want to be changed.
Everyone is so busy just surviving this place,
they never stop to think about what's wrong with it.
What happens when they do?
I run them to the edge of the city and shoo them off.
Well, you're not worming me.
Not ever.
We'll see about that.
Locked.
I think this is where Carcer is...
You're boring me. Out of the way.
No one here.
30 kids used to sleep in here.
Carcer was kinder to me than this city ever was.
And how did they repay him?
CARCER: Arrest me, then!
Come on, arrest me!
What are you waiting for?
Out!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[BOTH GRUNTING, COUGHING]
-"Arrest me"? -Carcer...
...killed Captain Keel.
It should have been my first arrest.
But he died before I...
So someone's messing with you.
I know what I saw.
Oh, yes.
Oh, there's no point growing it when Goodboy insists
on burning it off at the slightest sign of a syringe.
Goodboy?
The thing you keep in your basement?
Lady Ramkin?
You were right.
I really do need your help.
Throat's the city's best snitch.
But her information doesn't come cheap.
This is a family heirloom.
Better be worth it, Vimes.
This alchemist turned up dead yesterday.
We're trying to find whoever's with him in the slide.
Sorry, Captain. No idea.
A murdered guild member.
I think he's illegally stockpiling Slab.
We never touch that stuff.
You know what the guild would do to freelancers like me
if we so much as breathe on their turf?
I hear that mime artist is back in Catmere Street.
Smearing his bits up and down the shop windows, frightening kids.
-Filth. -SYBIL: Vimes.
Aren't The Watch more concerned with noisy neighbours and dog shit these days?
Slab?
Personal supply.
Very personal.
"Never touch that stuff."
My bitches will make it quick.
Make it quick, bitches.
We've got business to be getting on with.
Let me guess. You are unarmed.
Mimes just mime it.
Goodboy bit a mime once.
Man didn't make a sound,
but his expression...
[SCREECHES]
That's Goodboy?
I thought you'd got some monster locked up.
[SCREAMING]
SYBIL: Come on.
Piss off, then.
-[SCREAMING] -[WATER SPLASHING]
They'll just... They'll just be a bit singed.
[SCREAMING]
[GOODBOY ROARING]
It's over.
I think.
You know he had six kids, don't ya?
SYBIL: And the other one?
Did a lot of charity work.
Those dragons are meant to be...
Lighting our city while they suffocate on their own fumes?
He spent the first year of his life enslaved in a streetlamp.
I think it stunted his growth.
Projectile weapons are against the law.
-The law! -Which also prohibits the ownership of magical...
Necklace and answers.
Now, please.
There's somebody new in town.
Buying up every last bit of Slab.
His crew are stopping by any minute
to collect it all.
Now piss off. You're not gonna arrest me, are you?
-[MUFFLED YELLING] -SYBIL: In you go.
Just put the brake on for you.
[MUFFLED YELLING CONTINUES]
Vimes! Let's hide.
Your foot's sticking out.
We're supposed to be hiding.
Better?
ANGUA: Bundel Prong.
Head of the Alchemist Guild.
I think he might be dead.
There's no receipt. They're the two alchemists from the bar fight yesterday.
I mean, it has to be connected. We need to get some twine around this.
Huh?
Stop the scene from being disturbed. You know, preserve evidence?
Never mind.
Locals aren't used to seeing us around,
so make it fast, Cheery.
Hey, this is the first job I've had that doesn't involve picking up litter.
I want to savour it.
ANGUA: Don't savour it too long. Hurry up.
[GASPS] Yeah.
That is a fingerprint.
Fingerprint?
What's a fingerprint?
If Carcer wasn't your first arrest, who was?
A troll.
He was seeing out his days...
propping up a bridge when I came across him.
It was dark.
Mind was in a bad place.
Well, I...
...fell off the bridge.
He pulled me out of the water.
Bridge collapsed.
I was furious.
Didn't want to be saved.
It was only later I realised we'd both saved each other.
So I gave him a job.
Sometimes I wonder if Sergeant Detritus wasn't better off
propping up that old bridge.
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
Sometimes I could swear
there's more going on beneath those helmets than people think.
They're coming.
CHEERY: Wouldn't hold out hope of a match.
The Watch stopped bothering to take prints years ago.
But let's see.
DETRITUS: Oh, that's a fingerprint!
SYBIL: That's a lot of Slab.
[DINGING]
Match.
VIMES: It can't be.
CARCER: Arrest me.
Sam!
Come on, arrest me!
CHEERY: You asked why we became cops?
This is the captain's reason.
His best friend. They were in the same gang.
CARCER: Just gonna stand and watch then?
Come on then! Arrest me!
Sam! What are you waiting for?
SYBIL: Vimes, someone's coming.
VIMES: What's that they're carrying?
SYBIL: Whatever it is, they've left it behind.
Vimes, should we call...
Is "backup" the term you use?
Yeah, but there's no clacks here.
SYBIL: If that is Carcer, then who's doing business with a ghost?
I guess it's up to Goodboy then.
Be safe, Goodboy.
-Ready? -Yeah.
[VIMES PANTING]
SYBIL: You breathe like an old lady.
Red Scalehide.
I know this book.
SYBIL: Noble dragon?
Nobody's seen one of these in centuries.
All this Slab for a little library book about dead dragons.
CARCER: Don't underestimate little things.
A book can burn the world.
Carcer?
Friend who let you fall.
VIMES: You look exactly the same.
Impossible.
A rat can become a captain.
He brought you along, Lady Ramkin.
-Good. -You know me?
Still letting other people do the ugly stuff for you, Sam?
The hard stuff?
What are you here? For that book?
How are you even here?
It's my time now, Sam.
You should have arrested me.
-VIMES: No! -[GASPS]
DEATH: Enjoy all that?
It was a little expository in the middle there,
but it picked up, didn't it?
So this is the end?
Actually, it is only the beginning.