ANGUA: Welcome to Ankh-Morpork.
CARCER: The future will soon be in flames.
VIMES: Carcer.
VETINARI: There is a dragon at large.
The key to controlling the dragon is a talking sword called Wayne.
ANGUA: There are other artefacts.
CHEERY: We need all of them to control the dragon.
OBSERVER: Do not fail us again, Carcer Dun or you will cease to exist.
Good morning, class.
What was she like? This other me.
What was he like?
ANGUA: You still don't have everything you need, Carcer.
We have no idea how many artefacts there are.
There's just one more.
And it's you.
CARCER: Iron in the sword. Iron in the bearer.
WAYNE: I go where the work is.
CARCER: Iron in the crown.
CHEERY: Where's the crown?
CARCER: Iron in its wearer.
WONSE: They shine and shimmer...
Wonse took my badge.
WONSE: ...in noon's first ray.
The blood and the badge.
Command the dragon.
Carcer has everything he needs.
Burn the day.
[DRAGON GROWLING]
VIMES: We've issued warnings.
Every imp from here to the Plains has a brush out for Carcer.
My officers are out searching the streets.
We need to clear them. I've ordered my palace guards to help.
We'll find him.
Carcer can turn the dragon on us at any moment.
We're out of time.
Why did you bring me down here?
That old thing?
It's been rusted shut for as long as I can remember. Doesn't even have a...
key.
When a Patrician fails to protect his city,
the law demands that he be deprived of his life,
or his liberty.
[GRUNTING]
Personally...
I prefer the latter.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
You see, Vimes, you should never build a dungeon
that you wouldn't want to stay in yourself.
-Hmm. -Keep us updated. If you can.
-You mean if I don't die? -Ah, yes. And that, too.
If people know that you're hiding away in here...
All they'll ever know is the outside of that cell door.
So as long as I go up to it, moaning from time to time,
they'll think that I'm suffering and be satisfied.
So let the people have their bolts and bars
as long as you're the one with the locks and keys.
Uh, don't you think you should stand by the people in this, their darkest hour?
You mean, you're leaving us on our own?
[DOOR LOCKING]
Don't you have a heart at all?
I'm not giving up, you hear me?
[DOOR THUDS]
Sorry, didn't mean to startle you.
I was wondering if I could ask you a small favour.
First, you're gonna answer me some questions. Come on.
[MIMICS VIMES] You're gonna answer me some questions.
WOMAN: [ON LOUDSPEAKER] Citizens, the waving bird is slightly more dangerous...
Hello, dragon.
...than previously thought. Please make your way to safety.
-Have you cleared the streets? -They're not bloody listening.
-They never listen to us. -It's like they don't want to believe
-the world's ending until it actually ends. -It's all right. I'll sort it.
Get off these bloody streets right bloody now,
or you and your children are all going to burn!
That was good.
CARROT: If this all ends today,I just wanna say, you know, that...
Oh, bloody hell. Mirror?
You're magical, right? So...
MIRROR: Go on, Carrot, darling.
I wanted to know what to say to Angua, you know, about...
Shall we try a little role play?
Oh, Angua, you, uh, you look great today.
Those boots make you look really tall.
Not that you're small or anything. Of course not.
Well, I mean you are a bit smallbut that's fine because I like small things.
Mmm.
-[CARROT CLEARS THROAT] -Oh, Carrot, why don't you tell her how you feel?
Angua, I...
I...
I think you're cool.
[BABY CRYING]
What happens when it's all gone?
We get to live.
In ruins?
In a better world.
I don't believe that any more.
Yeah? You beginning to believe in Vimes then?
The good in Vimes powers a pattern that endures through the multiverse.
Every version of The Watch rising, giving hope.
If we break that pattern just once,
maybe it breaks everywhere, maybe they'll be no more good.
[CARCER GRUNTS]
It's too late.
Is it?
If they can erase you, why haven't they done it to The Watch?
Vimes?
Do you know who or what Carcer Dun's in business with?
Why would I know anything about that? Ah, I see.
They sent him back here.
Just because I'm the anthropomorphic personification of a supernatural entity...
You can appear and disappear out of thin air, can't you?
I must be best friends with all unexplained phenomena.
I didn't say that.
But you were thinking it!
-I need your help here! -[DEATH GROWLS]
-We're facing extinction. -It's not my fault.
-Up against all these strange forces. -[GROANS] Oh, here we go.
I was just hoping maybe one of them might be on our side?
[SIGHS] Oh, goodness.
Only one authority in existencehas the kind of power you're describing.
If you've upset them...
Who's them?
They go by many names.
Unfortunately, if a human hearsone of those names their mind immediately disintegrates.
Would you like me to tell you?
My mind's been disintegrating for the last 20 years but let's skip the names.
Will you help me fight them?
Will you
let me join your band
-Oh, piss off, Death. -That's mean.
CARCER: If the Watch and the city survive today
then I get wiped from existence.
Reality. Memories. Everything.
Everything is what the rest of us will lose if The Watch fall.
A world without good and all it inspires.
-Hope. Love. -[SCOFFS]
You'd still do it, wouldn't you?
Why should I sacrifice myself so the rest of you can just, can just carry on?
You've got this all wrong. You really don't know.
You could be a hero.
[WONSE GASPS]
I won't forget you, Wonse.
OBSERVER 1: Ooh, I didn't see that coming.
OBSERVER 2: It's exactly as I foresaw.
OBSERVER 1: Yeah, right.
THROAT: Hurry up, Clifford. Till's not nicking itself.
Today. Round the back of the counter. There.
Looting is still illegal, Throat.
Not when you're in The Thieves' Guild.
And especially not when you're head of The Thieves' Guild.
They made you their leader?
Most have fled. The rest wanted someone with guts.
You know, vision.
This is your vision?
This is what you do when the world's about to go up in flames?
Soon there'll be no shops to loot, nobody to rob, nothing to steal.
Just fire and ash.
All the more reason to get what you can while you can.
-Oh, for god's sake. -Wonse?
I said the till, Cliff. Does she look like a bloody till?
CARROT: What have you got there?
If Carcer's got any sense he'll attack here first.
Thousands of tinderbox homes.
Fire will spread fast.
-[DOOR BANGING OPEN] -She's lost a lot of blood. Cheery?
CARROT: What's she doing here, Captain? ANGUA: What's going on?
[WONSE WHIMPERS IN PAIN]
-VIMES: All right. -[WONSE GROANS]
ANGUA: She shouldn't be here. SYBIL: You can't trust her, Vimes.
-[WONSE GASPS] -We won't hurt you.
[WONSE GRUNTS]
I can help you find him. I know where he's headed.
Here.
SYBIL: Sunset Street? WONSE: There's a sun dial.
-"Noon's first ray." -"Command the dragon and burn the day."
Noon's in twenty minutes.
Why does everything have to be in 20 minutes?
If Carcer does this, the dragon will bow down before him?
It'll do everything the bearer of the artefacts commands.
Well then it's simple. When he shows his face, I'll bloody shoot him in it.
VIMES: We'll have to be fast.
I'll help you. You saw what he did to me.
Besides, this isn't about loyalty, okay?
It's about what kind of universe we want to live in.
You've done enough, Wonse. Rest.
How long between Carcer steppinginto the sun and the dragon being under his control?
Uh, a moment.
When it comes, what if I can distract it?
Buy us more time.
As far as we're aware, it hasn't eaten today.
And we all know what it likes.
I know this might come as a shock to you all, but...
I'm a virgin.
[ALL MURMURING]
-Aw! -You have to be kidding me.
-That's incredible. -No, can't be.
[GOBLIN SPEAKING]
I'll try to attract its attention.
Thank you for sharing, Carrot.
-Very brave. -The magical lure of the artefacts will be intense.
A single virgin won't be enough.
[SIGHS]
CARROT: Sally?
-Hello? -You came back.
Do you want a cookie?
Sally, how many virgins are in your support group?
One more now.
-Dig them up. -Why would she need to dig them up?
For real. Who is this crazy chick?
The dragon's not the only reasonvirgins are disappearing from the streets.
-[PANTING] -[HISSING]
-[MIAOWING] -[HISSING]
What are you two doing?
Yeah. What are we doing?
Dig them up. Now!
WOMAN: [ON LOUDSPEAKER] Citizens, Lord Vetinari wishes you all well,
and thanks you for your contribution to the rich, varied life of this city.
It's been fun, seriously. So, so much fun.
VIMES: [WHISPERING] Where is he?
He has to show himself any second now.
Vimes,
I want you to know
that even if I do get my hands on those artefacts,
you can trust me.
I trust you to do the right thing.
Really? Because we argue all the time.
You wanted to throw Wayne into the lake, I didn't.
You wanted to release Skimmer, I didn't.
I was very happy to hand him over to Cruces.
Even at your worst,
you're a thousand times better and kinder and truer
than I could ever be.
When this is all over,
do you have plans?
What do you mean, plans?
Plans.
MAN: Quickly!
You keep running. Don't look back.
Looking back only tells the predator it's definitely gonna catch you.
I've already been caught.
Angua, I know you could never...
-Now you know what I am... -You're a dwarf.
Also not a dwarf.
[ANGUA CHUCKLES]
Carrot, look, for what it's worth, I really think you're...
Carrot, honey, if this works and the dragon goes away,
every virgin will be safe?
Everyone will be safe.
Doesn't matter if you're a virgin.
-It doesn't? -Of course not.
So for argument's sake, let's say virgins kept on disappearing...
-We'd investigate. -Yeah?
Yeah.
WAYNE: Is now a good time to discuss my requirements?
-Quiet. -Because if we're burning this world
and building a new one, I have some demands.
Hear me out now.
I should like to be worshipped as a sexual deity.
You're in no position to make demands.
WAYNE: I want my own temple of ecstasy,
for all true lovers to cavort around as gayly and freely as they please.
-CARROT: Carcer. He's here. -This, this is the way of Wayne.
Get ready.
WAYNE: We will spare the lovers, won't we?
CARCER: Shut up. It's time.
Soon as it shows.
[YELLS]
[RUMBLING]
[DRAGON ROARS]
WAYNE: Dragon, ignore this dickhead and do as you will.
[DRAGON ROARS]
WAYNE: It actually worked this time.
Is he controlling it?
It's circling us.
-Is Carcer making it do that? -Why would he?
WAYNE: Oh, no. I think it may have backfired.
Yeah. It's really quite pissed off.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[DRAGON ROARING]
[DRAGON GROWLING]
[ROARING]
This is it!
Virgins! On me!
Stay.
[DRAGON RUMBLES]
I know that sound.
[CHEERY HUMMING]
[DRAGON RUMBLES]
CHEERY: Oh, shit.
[DRAGON GROWLS]
-Cheery! -ANGUA: Cheery!
VIMES: Cheery!
[DRAGON ROARS]
CARCER: Sam.
It was the dragon. It ate them.
The badge, the crown, the sword.
Even your friend.
And now it's gonna burn you all.
You lose today, Sam.
And for once I get to win.
[CARCER COUGHS]
[DRAGON ROARING]
CARCER: I know how that thing feels.
Doesn't wanna be caged. Controlled.
VIMES: People are dying, Carcer.
Help us.
-[DRAGON ROARS] -I can't.
Whoever sent you back from the future must have the power to...
They don't want to help you.
I know why you want it all gone.
And I agree with you, the whole city's rigged.
That's not why I did this.
I didn't have a choice.
I've never had a choice.
The first time I killed, it was him or me.
But you,
you chose to let me fall.
-Right into their hands. -Whose hands?
CARROT: Listen to what's happening out there.
-Don't you care? -Why should I?
I was always gonna be the villain in this story.
CARROT: We'll save everybody. CARCER: You'll never make captain now.
CARROT: With or without your help.
-You'll die. -We'll find a way.
Just like your dwarf friend.
The fact that I'm still breathing, still here,
the fact that you still remember my name,
means that you and everything you stand for ends today.
But me?
I'll be spared,
and not just by some dragon.
Who's going to spare you?
[SCOFFS]
[DISTANT ROAR]
When I hear your screams,
I'll know.
For the first time in my life, I'll know...
-that it's fair. -[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[SPIKE SHUDDERING]
Last report said it was heading for the Upper Side.
It's burning everything. Street by street.
It must have a weakness.
A vulnerability.
-[GOODBOY CRIES] -Do not shake him like that.
He's a dragon, isn't he? He must be able to do something.
You're frightening him. And me, for that matter.
If Cheery couldn't find anything,
what chance do we have?
[SPIKE SOBBING SOFTLY]
My father always said, "It's better to light a candle
"than curse the darkness."
VIMES: That thing's like a lit flamethrower.
Soon, there'll be nothing left but darkness.
Cheery was afraid of the dark,
and then they realised it wasn't so bad.
Well, they wouldn't let us
spend our last hours like this, would they?
No, they'd get the tambourine out.
VIMES: You're alive!
Yeah, I'm a bit shocked too.
Especially since the dragon literally dropped me.
It dropped you?
Ow! [EXHALES SHARPLY]
Too experienced for its tastes.
Yeah, she dropped me Into a forest.
Speaking of which, can somebody do something with this please.
It's an egg. Thank you.
Oh, that's mine.
Cheers, I've been looking for that.
Where's Goodboy.
There's Goodboy.
You're a good boy aren't you?
[COOING]
[GOODBOY SCREECHES]
The Dragon...
is pissed.
Proper pissed.
I know this because we had a chat.
-A chat? -CHEERY: Well, I say chat.
It was kind of bit more like a...
[IMITATES DRAGON GROWL]
...and then it was a bit of screaming from my part.
Lot of... [GRUNTING]
You know... [IMITATES DRAGON GROWL]
[IMITATES SCREAMING]
I've had worse conversations believe me.
She feels threatened.
She feels like we want to kill her or capture her.
So she's gonna do what any cornered animal would do?
But I think I know how to stop it.
You're head is bleeding.
-Is it? -Hmm.
Oh! Oh, right.
That's fine. If I collapse, then, transfuse my blood.
[COOING TO GOODBOY]
What you all gawking at? Come on.
We've got a city to save. Chop-chop.
Oi, Spike we're gonna need power.
Pretty exposed here.
We should run towards the danger everyone else runs away from.
Bastard's gonna burn everybody.
Are you sure about this, Cheery?
After the dragon took me
I realised that that roar we've been hearing...
it's not a roar. It's a song.
Goodboy's song.
I think they're both lonely.
If I'm right, then all we need to do is amplify the song.
-Boost it. -And then?
Noble Dragon should be attracted to it.
We release Goodboy
and then maybe...
Maybe?
Well, either he stops her from destroying everything,
or this is will be the shortest gig that we ever play.
Then let's play like we'll never play again.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES]
[RUMBLING]
[SIGHS]
[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUNDER CLAPS]
[MUSIC PLAYING AT A DISTANCE]
[GROWLING]
CHEERY: It's not working.
[YELLING] Louder!
[SCREECHES]
[GROWLING]
It's coming.
Now, Lady Ramkin.
[GOODBOY CHITTERING]
[RUMBLING]
It's almost on us.
Be safe, Goodboy.
[CHITTERING]
Remember to breathe, Goodboy.
Breathe.
[DISTANT GROWL]
[GOODBOY CHITTERS]
[GROWLING]
[GOODBOY CHITTERING]
[DRAGON GROWLING]
[DISTANT BANG]
[LAUGHS]
[SOBS]
Best damn gig of our lives and no one saw.
We saw.
[GROANS]
[CRACKLING]
[PANTING]
I'm sorry.
I'll never forget you.
[WONSE CRYING]
CHEERY: We are the Watch.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
CHEERY: Who's there? We are!
VIMES: Well done, team. [CHUCKLES]
Why, thank you.
He's been erased.
Come to hand yourself in?
Lupine Wonse, we're arresting you for the theft of a Grimoire
from Unseen University Library.
-The summoning of a Noble Dragon... -Oh, wait!
I just helped you save the city.
You tried to burn the city.
[EXHALES]
You don't remember him...
He fell from the roof.
What are you talking about?
After he killed John Keel he fell from the roof.
You killed John Keel.
You killed him when I couldn't.
I should've arrested you that night.
-Carrot. -No wait.
-Vimes, please listen... -Hands.
They've rewritten reality.
-Do as he says. -You think I did everything Carcer did?
But I know different.
-Who's Carcer? -I'm not the enemy here.
-Hands. Now. -No. Wait.
This is uncut Slab.
I light it...
and anyone in a two-mile radius
is gonna have the worst day of their lives.
You mean the last day of their lives.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Don't follow.
I remember him.
Do you hear me?
I know you're watching.
I'm the only one who remembers him.
And you.
What if I told everybody that you're out there?
What if they all knew
what you're going to do?
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
[RUMBLING]
OBSERVER: What do you want?
Power like yours.
Why should we give you power?
So I can destroy The Watch.
ALL: We're listening.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
So Wonse is still at large?
But we're doing everything in our power to find her, sir.
And you're certain the Noble Dragon won't return?
It's free.
Hand it over, there's a love.
Come on, come on.
THROAT: Write the lady a receipt, Tim.
There's a good boy.
How reassuring it is to see everything back to normal.
Oh, not often we see you out on the streets, My Lord.
I have a delicate complexion.
Seems to agree with these nice clear skies though.
And your new responsibilities seem to be agreeing with you?
I'm not really in it for the thieving.
It's the people you get to meet.
Good. Because in light of The Watch's success,
I am considering reducing the quota.
Reduction, sir? Tim.
I've called an emergency meeting of the City Council,
and all the heads of the guilds are expected to attend.
The Assassins still don't have a leader
after the disappearance of Doctor Cruces.
Yes, the power vacuum in The Assassins' Guild
will certainly be top of the agenda.
-Oh. -And The Watch
will need a representative.
I hardly think that I'm suitable, sir.
We all know that, Vimes.
A reduction in the quota is a fantastic idea.
The Watch are more than ready to pick up the slack.
My Lord.
Oh, thank you for your approval, Lady Ramkin.
But we will need more officers though.
Will we?
[SCOFFS] Be there.
Why do we have to be on the posters, Cheery?
We're The Watch, which means...
-Anybody can be. -VIMES: I know.
Even if the quotas do come down,
there's still The Thieves' Guild and The Assassins' Guild.
A whole lot of wrong we can't touch.
But there's a whole lot of wrong we can touch, sir.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Well, I guess you better put these up then.
Everywhere you can.
You're not coming out with us, Captain?
I've... got... plans.
Plans, sir?
Plans.
So then I told Vetinari that The Assassins
should fill their power vacuum by holding democratic elections for their new leader.
It was agreed 14 to 7
that I should be the one to administer it all.
So just you wait.
I'll have them out of business inside a year.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, erm...
Got a light?
Goodboy's gone.
This is what I saw.
Us.
Here.
In the future.
Our future.
More wine?
Yes, lovely.
[GRUNTS]
[SPITS]
[GASPS]
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Do you know how many different varieties of cabbage
they have at the farm your friend despatched us to?
Three hundred.
My favourite was the uh, Klatchian Clutcher.
-You don't dig it up? -[GRUNTS]
It jumps out of the ground at you.
Such a persistent vegetable.
[SCREAMS AND GROANS]
Keeps coming at you.
Just will not give up.
-[GROANS] -[GRUNTS]
The only way to stop it. Is to cut out its heart.
[GRUNTS]
There is no power vacuum in The Assassins' Guild.
And there will be no election.
Or witnesses. Remember?
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
-[GASPS] -[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
Yes, I didn't see anything.
ALICE: No, wait.
You really are a good singer.
No!
-Um... -I'm so sorry about that.
I had some business to take care of.
You've got...
Sam how do you always manage to have such filthy skin?
You... You, uh...
And those scrawny little legs really do need fattening up.
Look, what I'm trying to tell you is, uh...
My legs need what?
Nutrition. I'll sort it out.
-Sybil. -Sam.
You have a fork in your back.
A what?
So I have.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I should take that out.
Well. If you're still here when I get back,
then I'll know you're really mine.
Well, that was well and truly wedged in...
deep.
Sam?
REALM RECEPTIONIST: The following announcement is for your safety.
As a mortal being in an interdimensional eternity
please keep away from the edge.
If you fall, you will fall forever.
And die forever. In eternal, endless agony.
Enjoy your visit to the Observers' Realm.
I thought you weren't our enemy?
I wasn't.
VIMES: Oh, bollocks.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]