(rap music)
(cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage my cousin of hope
Sergei Mokavek.
(rap music)
In the envelope in Sergei's hand is
the name of Interpol's most wanted badass.
I wonder who that could be.
Sergei, read the names.
- Okay, so in numbers three,
Hajina Do, head of Indian mafia.
- Oh, it sucks to be him.
Remind me to send a card for him being a big blow off.
- In second place.
- Take your time Sergei.
Slow, slow like X factors build trapper.
- In number.
- Speed it up, speed it up.
- In number,
in second place is Vladimir Shevchenko.
(cheering and rap music)
- Stop your clapping!
Shut off music and disco lights.
We don't applause number two!
- [Sergei] Number one bad guy is the world is El Chito.
- El Chito?
- Chitock Beron from.
- I know who he is Sergei.
- What happens now?
- Now, we press button on Antelope's Tail.
(suspenseful music)
- Right, now I know you're all feeling pretty stupid
after Ann pulled the wool over all of your eyes.
Yeah, but it happens and I just want to assure you
that you have the full support from the entire.
- Okay Joan move.
You got a new mommy now.
- I'm sorry can I help you?
Who are you?
- I'm Gemma Stone, CIA operations.
The United Nations have put me in charge
of crushing Vladimir Shevchenko.
Now who is in charge of this shit show?
- Well that would be me.
I'm Ruth Brooks, head of MI-6 special branch
and you have no jurisdiction in the United Kingdom.
- Okay, nobody cares about your country anymore.
- Um, this country was at the forefront of intelligence
for as long as I can remember.
- Okay, so your lips are moving
but I'm not really listening to what you're saying.
It's like pieces of wood are falling out of your mouth.
- Look, whatever your name is.
We need to take a minute.
- Yeah, you don't have a minute.
Go home.
- Okay, great, yeah sure.
Sure, I'll just head off.
- Ruth I have something you should see.
- Ruth doesn't work here anymore.
She was just leaving.
- I really ought to take a look.
- Yeah, I really think that you shouldn't.
Hey, I can make this more embarrassing for you.
Rex, Sarason.
- Oh great, they've got dog names, lovely.
- You know what, let's just throw this out to the floor.
Okay, put your hand in the air
if you think Ruth should stay.
Anyone at all?
- Okay, you look like you need to shit.
Can you just fucking move?
Thank you.
- Okay, what have we got?
- It's Shevchenko, he's just uploaded a video this morning.
- Oh, hello world.
I am Vladimir Shevchenko.
In my possession I have the Antelope's Tail.
Oh, now I have your attention.
You might as well shit inside of yourselves
because come this Wednesday
I shall push the button on Antelopes Tail.
Causing destruction that
has never been seen on earth before.
This day shall be known as Antelope's Tail-maggedon.
Guys, guys, Antelope's Tail.
- [Soldiers] Antelope's Tail-maggedon.
- All at the same time.
- [All] Antelope's Tail-maggedon.
- [Soldiers] Antelope's Tail-maggedon.
- Ah, your an idiot fool.
Mike shut it off.
- Let's get this down ASAP.
We need to keep a lid on this thing.
- We may be too late ma'am.
- We cut now from one piece of news or media reaction
to the next as hysteria and information-mania surround
the mystery of exact nature of
the Antelope's Tail spreads around the world.
- What does the Antelope's Tail actually do?
- One theory is that if the button is pressed.
- All the volcanoes on the planet
will erupt a precisely the same time.
- Causing a really mega big tsunami.
- And a million random children's heads will explode.
- Every dog in the world will turn on his master.
- Dinosaurs will come back to life.
- And if that theory is true.
- Then every fish in the world
will float to the top of the water.
- I guess it's real power is
that no one really knows what it does.
(simple music)
- Ah Ruth, Ruth Brooks it's me.
I'm alive.
I'm not a ghost.
- I know you're not a ghost.
I don't believe in ghosts anyway.
- Well you should.
When I was a little boy the ghost of an old man
used to sneak inside my room from by bedroom window.
Sit at the end of the bed and tickle my toes.
Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't a ghost.
It might have been a weird old man.
- Oh god it's bunk.
What do you want man?
- Shevchenko.
I know where he is.
- Okay, this is how the US roll.
We ain't here to dance, we fire straight in.
Civilian causalities, in my mind
that's just an unlucky break I never met.
Okay, are you set soldier?
- [Male] We are outside Vladimir Shevchenko's headquarters.
- Then Mission Castle Fucker is a go.
Operation is go, go, go Team Five.
- [Male] Go, go, go, go.
- That's a go, go, go, go.
Team Six?
- [Male] We are go, go, go.
- Go, go.
- [Male] Go, go, go.
- Go, go, go, go.
(shooting)
Oh, oh right in the fucking face.
Ow! Fuck you asshole.
(shooting)
I'd say goodbye to your kids bitch.
Are you getting this?
- [Male] We got him mum, we got him.
Put your hands up and identify yourself sir.
Identify yourself!
- Hi, I'm Vlad Shevchenko.
- [Male] Left turn and state your name.
- Hi, I am Vlad Shevchenko.
- What the fuck is going on?
- [Male] You turn slow and identify yourself!
- Hey, I am Vlad Shevchenko.
- Oh my god.
Shit look alikes.
- Hello my enemies.
Did you enjoy our game of hide and seeks.
Peek-a-boo!
Hold up, you're not Ruth Brooks.
- Forget Ruth Brooks, I'm in charge now.
You give me the god damn Antelope's Tail
or I will rip your nuts right out of their sack.
- I didn't call for sexy time but gee, oh yes, I'm aroused.
- I will stand on your fucking neck
and I will shoot your teeth out one by one.
- Slow down and savor it.
I'm about to shoot my bunk already.
- Listen, I am hunting you down.
I'm throwing everything I've got into breaking you
and you should know that I fight dirty.
- That's the way I like it.
But I'm in the most secretive place on earth.
You'll never ever find me.
(dramatic music)
- Why am I here?
- Well because Huxley and I and me
have broken the abacus code.
I know where Shevchenko is.
- Go on.
- Well Huxley will explain,
he's something of a computer whiz.
- I see.
- Yes, please.
So well, once I started to look around for.
- Yep.
- Once I started to look around for any data
that could lead us to Shevchenko, I came across this.
- And I said, straightaway, that's the abacus sign.
That is what you've got there,
it's definitely the abacus sign.
Seen it everywhere on this mission.
That is the abacus sign right there.
- And I thought.
- We thought.
- We thought that there could be much more to it.
- Yeah and that's where things
started to get really interesting.
- So I.
- No we. - Built an.
- We built.
- Built an algorithm.
- We built an algorithm.
- A computer based system that searches through
like any occult signs and system on the net.
- I was gonna say exactly what he's saying right now.
That was actually, I was, read my mind bro.
- Then I thought, why don't I use
the algorithm to search for.
- It's a map!
It's a map Ruth.
My god, it's a map.
It's a freaking map girl.
- A map of what?
- Um, some sort of underground mining tunnels.
- In the mountains, they're in the mountains.
- Mayaliviac, Vlad's Republic.
So the little circles here are bunkers
and the ones over here the large ones are the ones where.
- That that right there is a secret underground base.
- You can see that um you can access the tunnels
via an old disused damn.
- Ruth this is where Shevchenko is.
I bet my life on it.
- Well this is fantastic work.
What do you need from me?
- A village.
- A village?
- I've always wanted to start my own community
and I think now I have the skills to go off and do that.
- What?
- We don't need a village.
That is actually the last thing, scrub a village.
I mean we have that locked and loaded.
We need Action Team back together to fight this one out.
- Yes, well I can track Action Team down.
The last I heard they were on gardening leave.
(clipping)
(revving)
(heroic music)
- How can?
- Yeah, Spink Rat, I'm alive, I'm alive.
(grunting)
- Well that's good then.
- Good for me.
Yeah, I'm brilliant.
- Yeah, yeah.
(grunting)
- Dah, um.
- Are you okay?
- No, no not really.
It's been a bit rough mate to be honest.
- I have a question.
Did you have a fake funeral for me?
- Yes we did.
Uh, we had a few drinks in the Nelson.
And then I had to carry on on my own.
- Oh nice.
- Ga, I'm really struggling to hold this together man.
- Me too moucher.
Me too.
- So you're alive then.
- Oh, I forgot about you in all this.
My demise must have ripped you up
like a bad burrito from the inside.
- No not really.
So we're going back to work then, or what?
- I think what she means Graham is.
- Can we kick it?
- Yes, we can.
(suspenseful music)
- So you know what I am giggling at?
I always thought my final meal would be steak.
Yet here I sit eating fajitas for the first time.
Such a weird thing to do, right?
Never scared to break new boundaries.
Am I sensing a little seed,
of negativity around this table?
Is there a problem?
- Do we have to press the button?
- Of course we have to press the button.
That's what all of this has been for.
It's our destiny.
WHat's wrong?
Have you lost your nerve now you have a girlfriend?
You become pussy whipped little bitch.
Look at you, sitting there better than everyone else
because you have a new whore.
That was insensitive and callous of me.
Ridicule you only because you have found love.
And I'm sorry for it.
You know what?
Maybe you sit this one out.
Go be with your girl, do couple stuff.
Have a picnic in park.
Get one of those bicycles you can ride at the same time.
What do they call, Demetri please?
- Tandem.
- The tandem, go have a tandem ride together with her.
- Look Vlad, I don't want special treatment okay.
- Oh, you deserve it.
Go.
- Nah.
Enjoy your dinner everyone.
Thanks Vlad.
(clanking)
(pop)
- We are bad guys.
That should mean something to each and every one of you.
It means we act first and we think about it later.
Usually with a large regret.
Like right now, I'm regretting shooting Bogohardt.
He was a good man and a loyal soldier.
But that is what being a bad guy is.
So anyone else around this table
don't got the stomach for it, want to follow him.
No, I didn't think so.
Eat, eat, eat the fajitas!
- I say we just fire a nuke right into his
shit pot little republic and let's see how he likes that.
- We are not launching a full stage nuclear attack
because you lost this man.
- Hey, it wasn't just me.
It was a team fuck up.
Like we all fucked up a little bit
and that made one massive fuck up.
- Enough, Mrs. Potty Mouth.
My question remains, does anyone have
the faintest idea where Vladimir Shevchenko is?
- Yes, I do.
Sally, link me up to channels two four eight.
- Oh, but that.
- Action Team, they're back.
- Who the hell are Action Team?
- They're the only hope we've got.
Sally, I need full thermal imaging
on the following coordinates.
Two, four, eight northwest.
- Hold on a minute Brooks.
You do not have the authority.
- No, but I have the intel.
Do you?
- No.
- You don't.
- Come on.
Now, fuck off.
- Sorry Ruth can we get on with this?
- Absolutely yes, right.
Sally link me up.
- Just patching you through mum.
- Thank you.
- [Male] This is Action Team going live.
(heroic music)
(popping)
(heroic music)
(popping)
(heroic music)
(popping)
(heroic music)
(pop)
- Ah (groaning).
- Hello Monica.
- Uriand.
Done something different with your hair?
- [Huxley] What did y'all do to me.
- Shut up!
- Oe, you leave the kid out of this all right?
Your battle's here you muppet.
- Vlad, I have intercepted Action Team.
I repeat, I have intercepted Action Team.
- I heard you the first time.
I repeat I heard you the first time.
- Vladimir, don't worry we're coming.
- Wait for me.
- Oh don't you worry, Sergei.
This is the perfect showdown I had planned all along.
- So this is the end of Action Team.
Now you die in tunnel like toilet rats.
(pop)
- Ah, ah.
(popping)
- Bit much there mate.
- All is fair in love and war.
- I have been expecting you Mr. Man.
Mr. Man, Mr. Man I have been expecting you.
Well, well, well I've been expecting.
I've been expecting you Mr. Man.
- Oh there you are?
- Mr. Man I have been.
- You know you should really get this place sign posted.
- Mr. Man I have been.
- Had me walking around like a headless chicken for ages.
- Mr. Man I have been.
- Tunnel after tunnel, place is like a Labyrinth.
- Listen if you don't mind, I have a whole thing prepared.
If you could just let me.
- Oh, what.
- Mr. Man I've been expecting you.
- And I expect I'm gonna enjoy this.
- You're just going to shoot me,
like big cowardly custard.
Or are you gonna fight me like a man.
- Shoot him, just shoot him agent.
Do not be drawn into his games.
- I think I might just press the button
on the Antelope's Tail just cause you are such a sucker.
- You sir, have just offended me one too many times.
I hope you like whoop ass.
You just opened a can of it.
(grunting)
(clanking)
(grunting)
- Get off of me.
(grunting)
- Logan, Logan do you copy?
Agent do you copy?
- This is Logan Man of Action Team, Shevchenko is down.
I'm alive.
I have the Antelope's Tail.
- Well done agent, now get on home.
- Well it was touch and go there for a minute mum.
He was kicking my ass and I kicked his for a little bit.
Then he kicked mine again and at one point I saw my life.
- Yeah, all right agent, I just said well done.
Please don't milk it, go for Martin.
- Loco mate, I don't mean to piss on your parade
but you've got 30 seconds before she blows.
- What?
(explosions)
(suspenseful music)
(suspensful music)
(clicking)
(click)