[audience clapping, cheering]
[woman] Hello. Yes, I'm Zadie, I'm very single.
[laughter]
I feel, like, there is a time after your breakup
when you should be allowed to be completely... pathetic.
I don't know how long that timeframe should be,
but I feel like it should be okay for you to totally act out
Lifetime movie scenarios in your real life.
Like walking alone in the rain
so that you can hide your tears on your face.
Or taking bathroom breaks at work
so that you can cry in the handicap stall.
And don't judge me for using that stall.
I need it, because my handicap is that my heart is broken.
And those railings are the only thing that can hold me up.
I've often looked in my medicine cabinet and been like,
how much Extra Strength Tylenol can I take before it kills me?
[laughter]
I do think that being this pathetic can create a lot of perks,
like, you get out of doing stuff that you didn't want to do in the first place.
I don't get invited to parties anymore
'cause my friends are, like, "Is Zadie gonna dress up for this?"
And the answer is no.
[scattered laughter]
I won't,
I'll probably wear what I wore yesterday.
In fact, I'm wearing what I wore yesterday right now.
[laughter]
And my friends won't bring me out anymore,
because they know that I could be triggered easily by anything.
If I see a pregnant woman in public...
that is bad for my ego.
Unless the pregnant woman is swollen and unhappy,
get her away from me, I don't want to see her...
I don't want to see someone carrying happiness for two.
Unfortunately, there is a deadline
for how long you can be this pathetic,
which sucks, because I think you should be able to be this sad
until you find a new boyfriend.
My breakup was three years ago.
[laughter]
That's not the joke.
[laughter continues]
What?
-Can I not smile at my friend? -No.
-You still mad at me? -Yeah.
You still mad at me?
-You are so annoying. -[laughs]
-Wait, wait. -What?
You know that I'm bringing you up this weekend
-to make up for missing your birthday last week? -Mm-hmm.
Which I had to, because I had that TV audition in that show.
-Right, how was it? -Bad. I didn't get it.
-No? Oh, I'm sorry. -Yeah.
That you're lying.
-What? -You posted a picture on Instagram
with an empty box from Jimmy's Pizza,
talking about another Friday night with my man Jimmy.
Am I... Am I wrong?
-No, you're not wrong. -I'm not wrong, that's crazy.
I didn't know you had an Instagram account.
That was selfish.
Sorry.
-But, on the bright side, I brought gifts. -Ooh!
You're forgiven.
[chuckles]
-Chocolate mints? -Yeah.
I know they're your favorite
and you can only get them at the movie theater,
and we haven't been going to the movies as much as we used to,
and I didn't want you to miss out.
Ah! No way.
[scoffs]
This is signed.
It's nothing. There's a lot of his signatures
floating around and it's very inflated.
But I know how much that book meant to you in college, so...
-This must have cost you a fortune. -It did.
[laughs] Oh!
I think that was the night that I lost my virginity.
To me?
Was that you?
[chuckles]
Thank you.
Yeah.
What's worse than going past your allotted time to be pathetic
and losing respect from your friends and your family...
is gaining sympathy from your ex.
[scattered laughter]
Like, he's heard about your feeble attempts
of committing suicide with Tylenol.
And he wants to be your friend.
So he can help you through the pain that he caused.
And what's even worse is him trying to make me be friends
with his new girlfriend.
That's like someone stealing my house
and then asking me to pay rent.
-Doesn't work like that. -[laughter]
And my mom's no different.
She's so old school that she told me...
[voice fades]
-Thank you. -Don't thank me yet.
She asked. I couldn't say no.
You can always say no, that's what they teach you in rape prevention.
[sighs] Give her a chance.
-Get to know her this weekend. -Fine.
Hey.
Hey, may I... Do you mind if I sit in the front?
I can't understand what she's saying.
Girl, roll the window down.
We're already having problems.
I can't really see you, the window's too dark.
-[Zadie] Yeah? -Hey.
Uh, hey, girl. Do you mind if I sit...
-Stop doing that. -I don't know what...
Do you...
Stop.
Do you mind if I sit in the front?
Would you mind sitting in the back?
You don't mind, right?
You don't mind.
-[Zadie] I do. -You don't. Get in the back.
-Get in the back. -I do mind.
Oh! [chuckles]]
-Hey, girl. -Hey.
And I guess, I'll just, I'll get... this.
Hey.
["Black Mother & Father" plays]
¶ Can't stand this way Of working ¶
¶ Not going this way Of living ¶
¶ Harder ¶
¶ Harder and harder ¶
¶ I can't stand this way Of living ¶
¶ Because I'm from A black upbringing ¶
¶ Mother ¶
¶ Mother and a father ¶
¶ Whoa-oh ¶
¶ I never got the right to say ¶
¶ And I never got The right to do ¶
¶ All I've got is The right to pray ¶
¶ Harder ¶
¶ Harder and harder ¶
¶ I can't stand this way Of living ¶
¶ Because I'm from A black upbringing ¶
¶ Mother ¶
¶ Mother and a father ¶
¶ Whoa-oh-oh ¶
Hi, Mom.
It's not nice for a young girl to give up.
Hi, Mom.
These are the best years of your life.
Hi, Mom.
Where's Daddy?
-Didn't I tell you? -Tell me what?
-Fishing trip. -He knew I was coming.
[scoffs] Not everything is about you.
I thought I had at least a few more years where everything was about me.
[laughs] Now who told you that?
That ended when you entered your late 20s.
-[Bradford] Hey, now. -You look clean.
Well, you know.
[both chuckle]
Karen, this is Margo.
[laughs nervously] Um, thank you for inviting me.
[chuckles] Bradford invited you.
First room on your right.
Don't slump.
[vehicle approaches, brakes squeal]
[Karen] You must be Aubrey.
[Aubrey] I'm earlier than I expected.
[Karen] This is your room.
I'll be around if you need anything.
[footsteps approaching]
You could knock!
Why? What are you doing in here?
Being grown.
Who was that?
-Who? -The man in the next room.
I think your hearing's funny.
There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
It just takes me a minute to register what you're asking
and if I should be answering you.
It's a guest.
You didn't tell me anyone was coming.
I run a business, Zadie.
How do you think I send you money every month?
It's not every month.
Okay.
I'm just saying, you didn't mention it.
You don't seem to mention much lately.
It's, like, you're getting sneakier the older you get.
The older I get, the less I feel the need to explain myself.
What do you know about him?
That he paid for his room.
His voice is very deep.
He sounds suspicious. Where's he from?
I didn't ask him.
Guests don't like you getting in their business.
But... he did come alone.
Why are you telling me that?
He wasn't supposed to come alone.
I just wish someone would marry you,
so I could quit worrying about you.
Is this Little Women?
You only have one daughter to care for!
Comb your hair.
You wanna get on the blanket?
No, no, I'm allergic to wool.
I once lost half a hairline to a wool beret.
But it looked good on me.
-The beret. -Hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I would lie and tell people
that the asymmetrical haircut that I had
was an ode to '90s Salt-N-Pepa.
Yeah. "Push It."
Yeah! [laughs]
It's beautiful here.
Yeah.
Yeah, my mom opened this place up after her and my dad retired.
I never used to come.
I always had this fear of dying in a small town.
-Still kind of do. -[Margo] What?
I had this fear of dying in a small town.
Why?
'Cause people aren't really here
and there's nothing to do except for have sex and kill people.
Well, I know which one I'd rather do.
Which one?
I don't know if the choice is obvious.
-She's joking. -Who said that?
Yo, who's that?
[Margo] An adult black male.
[Zadie] Why are you describing him like a suspect?
He's a guest.
[Bradford] I didn't know anybody else was gonna be here.
He got here this morning. His name's Aubrey.
-Aubrey! -No, what are you doing?
[Margo] I'm saying hello, he's cute.
-For Zadie. Aubrey! -Guests don't like it when you get in their business.
I'm not getting in his business, I'm saying hi.
Hi.
-I'm Margo. -Aubrey.
[Margo] This is my boyfriend, Bradford.
Bradford.
-[Bradford] 'Sup, man? -How you doing?
[Margo] And this is Zadie.
I saw you at the window.
-What window? -The window.
Upstairs when I pulled up.
Oh.
Oh, so you've met?
No, what he said was,
he saw me in the window when he pulled up.
Yeah, she was just spying on me is all.
[Aubrey and Margo laugh]
I wouldn't say that.
I was-- I was just joking.
I was joking.
[Bradford] So, what, you just, like, stay here for a night?
-[Aubrey] The weekend. -Alone?
-[Aubrey] Yeah. -[Margo] Hmm.
Yep.
You should join us for drinks later.
No.
No, you don't have to be...
pressured by Margo to have drinks with us.
No, not at all, no pressure.
Why wouldn't he want to hang out with us?
He's here alone.
-I'm fine. -[Margo] Still, you should join us.
For drinks. Later.
All right. Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna go change.
-She already changed once today. -Mm-hmm.
How well do you know her?
Well.
Okay.
You know, we have a common friend.
Look, Margo knows a lot of people.
And you're okay with that?
-What, Zadie? -She's friends with Sophie
and they went to college together.
And?
And she may or may not have been
at the center of a campus-wide HPV breakout.
HPV?
It's not curable
and very transmittable.
You're not worried?
No, I'm not worried, it's HPV, okay?
-It's... -Okay, wow, welcome to the future.
Yeah, look, if you don't have it, you'll have it by tonight.
That's just how that shit works now.
I didn't mean to curse you, but that's reality.
-Thanks for that, thanks. -Yeah, no problem.
I bet you Aubrey got it, so...
When's Daddy get back?
Monday.
After I leave?
He's gonna leave me here all alone?
You think I have no feelings, but I do.
Yeah, at the bottom of a potpourri bowl.
Have you met Aubrey?
Yeah, who hasn't?
At least you made a little bit of an effort.
I just found this in a drawer and put ChapStick on.
I was joking.
I thought you were supposed to be a comedian.
[Bradford] So, what is it that you do?
I'm a video game programmer.
[Margo] Oh, wow.
-[Aubrey] Hey. -Are they violent?
-[Aubrey] I guess so. -You guess?
You don't know?
-[chuckles] There are guns involved. -Oh, isn't that unethical,
considering all of the shootings that have been happening lately?
Let's not talk about politics.
It's too divisive, too depressing, right?
Margo doesn't really watch the news.
It's on the same time as Real Housewives.
[awkward chuckling]
Grr.
You guys are funny.
You have a really interesting dynamic going on.
Oh, I don't really know her.
Yeah, but you two, right, you're related, right?
-No. No. -No. No, no, no.
-Why would you say that? -No, you just seem familiar.
Oh, there's "familiar" and "familial."
Those are two different words
and I think you're confusing the meaning.
I don't think so.
-[Margo] Where you from? -Montreal.
[Margo] Montreal, I've never been.
-[Aubrey] You should go. -You gonna take me, honey?
Bradford doesn't really like foreign languages.
So, did you get outside today?
-No, I didn't. -You should.
There's lots of trails where you can be alone and depressed.
[chuckles]
You should show me.
Maybe later.
Oh, hi.
Oh, I didn't see you there.
Oh, um...
You're so funny.
[clears throat]
You're funny.
-Ugh. Oh, God. -[knocking]
-Hey, hey, what's so funny? -Hey.
[Zadie] What do you need? What's going on?
Oh, nothing, I just...
You're not gonna, like, go on a walk for real with...
-Well, whatever his name is. -Aubrey?
Aubrey, right.
Yeah, I was planning on it, why?
You know, it could be dangerous.
-Do you wanna chaperone? -See?
Now, we on the same page, let me grab my phone--
-No! What is wrong with you? -What?
You don't know him. That dude could be crazy.
What's the worst that could happen?
What's the worst that could happen? Uh...
You know, y'all out frolicking and shit and then, you know,
he chops you up and sprinkles your body all over the woods, I don't know.
-Or we could make love in the bushes. -Oh, Jesus.
And then maybe, then he chops me up after.
Murder and sex. It's a good story.
-That is not funny. -No?
'Cause I was gonna put it in my material.
Zadie, I'm serious.
-No, you're not. -I am.
-You just met him. -Oh, okay!
What about all the girls you take home
after your tired "Gordon Parks-collecting Renaissance man" act?
It's not an act.
I am a Renaissance man.
You can't call yourself a Renaissance man.
Other people have to refer to you as such.
Somebody just did-- Oh, you just did.
I was... 'Cause I was giving you an example.
-So... -Mm-hmm.
Anyway, the Renaissance has changed.
-I have changed. -No.
You're still the same fool.
Yeah, no, Margo's changed me.
Are you okay? Maybe your blood sugar's low.
Do you need some orange juice, or a cookie, or something?
Funny, but it's true.
Okay, how is this girl different?
She's...
Look, she's smart and educated
and traveled and cultured and...
Look, she got a great family.
Maybe this is Little Women.
Does she have a dowry, too?
Ha ha.
I know what you're doing, Zade.
You just going on that walk to get to me.
Now why would I do that?
Look, I...
I've been lucky to enjoy what it is that I do and be able to make money at it, so...
I don't even know what that's like.
There's the beaver dam.
I just love how they, like... dam it up.
-Thank you for showing me. -Yeah, sure.
So what do you do?
I'm a comedian.
I thought I told you that earlier.
I thought you were joking.
No one takes me seriously.
Wait, is that true?
Yeah, maybe, I don't know.
It's an occupational hazard.
It's probably my fault.
Why is that?
Because I constantly talk
like I'm the supporting actress of a romantic comedy.
But I feel very... serious around you right now.
It's probably 'cause of the moonlight.
You can't be very funny in the moonlight.
It's too romantic.
Not that this, what we're doing right here, is romantic.
This is very normal.
Yeah, right. [chuckles]
If you could make me a character,
what character would I be?
You are like... an angry mouse.
-Like a mean Minnie? -[laughs]
-That's so rude. -Sorry.
And very accurate.
You're cute.
You're not looking at me.
What are you doing?
What do you mean, what am I doing?
You see what I'm doing.
Karen is like a mom to me and I can't have sex in my mom's place.
[whispers] Except she's not your mom.
No, she's not, but she's like a mom,
and that's-- so that's enough, that's enough.
Plus, you see that I'm reading. Okay?
So you're saying you'd rather read.
Babe.
Yes?
I think we should get tested.
Excuse me?
It's been a while, right?
We got tested when we first got together
and I haven't been with anyone since, so, what?
Have you been seeing someone else?
No, no, of course not!
You know that, it's...
I'm just thinking about... your safety.
Okay.
I can't tell if you're serious
or if you're trying to change the subject.
Uh-uh.
[Zadie laughs]
You have really nice eyes.
[sighs] You're letting yourself down.
Why I let you down?
I was expecting Godard or Fellini
or something European.
Oh, you're hard to please.
Yes, this is true, yeah, I...
I can't help it.
I put high expectations on other people
to make up for my lack of ambition and follow through.
Are you ambitious?
I don't know, I guess so.
I think we should go.
Probably.
-You're not sure. -No.
But I think that's what I'm supposed to say.
Because it's dark and there are no witnesses
and I don't know you very well.
Yet.
-Well, okay. -Okay.
After you.
At any point in time, you could've offered me your coat.
-[Aubrey] Aw, man. -[Zadie] It's too late now. We're going to the house.
No, I just-- I felt that you were like...
Well, you know, I don't have an excuse.
-You want my coat? -[Zadie] No!
-[Aubrey] Is it too late? -[Zadie] No, it's fine.
-Good night. -Good night.
-[Aubrey] Good night. -Good night.
What are you doing up so late?
I don't need any bad Yelp reviews.
You could have more faith in my services.
Good night.
[birds chirping]
When did you come back in?
-[Zadie] It was late. -Where's Aubrey?
How should I know? I'm not his keeper.
I just thought you might've run into him this morning.
-Like on the way to the bathroom? -Or in the bathroom.
What kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm not one to judge.
[Bradford] Oh, yeah, since when?
Pink's really your color, Margo.
Thanks.
She doesn't mean that.
[phone rings]
Mom!
-Mom! -[phone continues ringing]
Mom!
Man. [scoffs]
Queenie's Country Bed and Breakfast.
Daddy!
Daddy's on the phone. You wanna talk to him?
This better not be a Brokeback fishing trip.
Mom, do you wanna talk to Dad?
I'm cleaning up the cottage.
I can't believe you left me here with her.
Okay, just hurry up.
Love you.
Okay, bye.
-It's right there, I feel it, I feel it. -Yeah.
-Hey. -Hey.
Y'all wanna play cards?
-Kalooki! -Kalooki?
-We'll teach you how to play. -No handicaps.
There's a deck of cards on the window in my room.
I'll get it, don't worry.
Yeah? All right.
Yeah, so fun, you gonna love it.
Oh.
[drawer squeaks]
Shit.
[horn honks]
[honking continues]
[laughs]
Go around!
-Hey. -Hey.
-You leaving? -Nah, I'm just gonna go grab a bite to eat.
-In town? -Yeah.
You?
I get really claustrophobic in that house,
and we ran out of liquor,
and I get really cranky when we don't have brown liquor at hand.
Mm-hmm.
Um... You want a ride?
Yeah, yes.
[Aubrey] You were just gonna walk the entire way?
["Smoke Break" plays]
¶ I just need a smoke break Just to calm my nerves ¶
¶ I just need to run away Somewhere far from here ¶
¶ I just need to run away Along the riverside ¶
¶ Somewhere eating shrooms Getting mountain high... ¶
Say cheese.
Paparazzi.
Do you have a fixed bike, too?
No, a three-speed, actually.
Oh!
Sorry, that was a little presumptuous of me.
I love being judged, it's the best.
I'm not judging.
All right, sure.
Guess I'm a little judge-y.
Get that from my mom.
-What year is this? -1975.
Oh, good year.
I'm impressed with how well you've kept it.
I break my cell phone after a few weeks.
[laughs]
The general store is up here.
¶ Just to soothe my soul ¶
¶ Just like Grandma's food When I wasn't grown ¶
¶ I've grown up real fast We're all getting old ¶
¶ Been a hell of a ride Like a roller coaster ¶
[Zadie] You don't have to come in.
-I think I'm gonna look around. -[Zadie] Okay.
[speakers: Muzak]
I'll be right back.
Hey. I forgot my wallet.
So, wait, you left the house without any money or car,
holding a deck of cards?
Yeah, maybe I wasn't going into town.
But it sounded like a good idea and I don't like being left out of things.
[laughs]
Thanks.
Stop! Don't!
I don't take pictures in my shorts! Gosh!
-Where you going? -Back to the house.
-You just gonna walk with all that stuff? -Yep.
Does this normally work for you?
With people?
-Sometimes! -Okay.
I'm gonna save this particular action.
[Aubrey] Yeah.
It's pretty heavy to carry all the way to the house.
I'm gonna need a ride back.
Sorry, I only bought one.
With your money.
That's okay.
But I can pay you back. I have money at the house.
It's fine, I'm sure, it's fine.
We could share, if you want.
It's cool, I'm just...
sitting here, trying not to drink and drive, but...
It's warm anyway, you wouldn't like it.
There's a diner right there if you want something.
Nice.
I'll get the spaghetti with meatballs
and the chicken parm and the ice cream,
and the hot chocolate with whip.
Did you want anything?
No, that's great, that's good.
So two of that.
[woman] Okay.
You need the chicken parm to go with...
-For later. -Okay.
So you think you drank up an appetite?
That's very rude.
-That's rude? -That's rude.
It's honest.
Shouldn't talk about a lady's drinking?
I'm just kidding, I did drink a lot.
-She seems... -Pretty lit.
Yeah, she's very nice.
You were a little rude to her, though.
-Me? What did I say? -Yeah.
I just ordered food.
You been here before?
No, but that's what you do at a diner.
-Order food. -Right.
The chicken parmesan, the spaghetti...
It's a lot, you know, but it's fine.
-It's worth it. -Is this our first fight?
-It's cool. -[laughs]
Yeah. Kind of.
It's all right.
I really am not sharing.
So?
So.
What's with the stuff in your back seat?
Are you homeless?
No, I'm not.
So?
I... I just got out of a...
-Jail? -[laughs]
A really long relationship.
And I'm moving.
-How long is long? -Six years.
Whoa. That's not a breakup, that's a divorce.
-Do you have kids? -No, no.
Thank God.
Yeah, I guess that would've been harder, right?
I'm just saying kids are awful in general.
So, are you here, like, on recovery?
She was supposed to be here.
Yeah.
-She was gonna move with you? -Yeah.
-Where's the rest of your stuff? -We shipped it there.
So she shipped her stuff with yours
and then decided not to go.
Yep, yep. Her stuff is there waiting for me,
I have to ship it back to her.
So she broke your heart and now you have a chore to do?
Yeah, I mean, she was supposed to drive with me, though, so...
And this was gonna be, like, a romantic pit stop?
That's right.
Man, that is... amazing.
Um...
And pathetic.
It kind of... It kind of turns me on.
That's... that's weird.
-That's really weird. -Yes.
-I understand. -Why does that turn you on?
I can't really explain it.
I just feel like...
you're more damaged than me?
-[chuckles] -And that makes me feel good.
That's terrible, like really bad, like gross.
But honest.
Yeah, I haven't learned to lie.
You wanna go in back?
-Yeah! -Okay.
-[Aubrey] On this side. -Oh.
-I'll just... -[Aubrey] That's cool.
-Watch your head. -[Zadie] Okay.
-[Aubrey] Take that off first? -Yeah, can you pull the sleeves down?
-[Aubrey] Yeah. -Yeah, that's great, okay, okay.
-[Aubrey] Are you good? -Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.
I'll just... Okay...
-[Aubrey] Oh! That's very... -Sorry. Okay, that's...
Trying to get a good angle...
-Nope. -[Aubrey] Hold on a sec.
Okay.
Yeah, I really wanna do this.
But logistically, I don't think this will work.
So... So we should stop.
And maybe later tonight?
When there's more...
-Space? -Okay.
And then maybe we could do it then.
-Okay. -Okay.
[both laugh]
-[Zadie] Here, I got this. -[Aubrey] I got you.
-Ladies first. -[Zadie] Yep, good.
[grunting]
[car stereo: soft R&B music]
What is she doing?
["Neu Roses (Transgressor's Song)" plays]
¶ Taking my breath away ¶
¶ Should've left you A long time ago ¶
¶ All my niggas Done told me so ¶
¶ But my niggas Don't hold me tight ¶
¶ When I'm sleeping In my bed at night Only you ¶
¶ Should've left A long time ago ¶
¶ All my niggas Done told me so ¶
¶ But my niggas Don't hold me tight ¶
¶ When I'm sleeping In my bed at night ¶
-¶ Only you ¶ -¶ Babe, I know... ¶
Is that my dress?
It was, in 1977.
Did you consider asking?
It crossed my mind.
-And? -I couldn't find you.
Did you look?
No.
-Karen's really nice. -If you say so.
We talked a little earlier.
Yeah, what'd she say about me?
About you? Nothing.
Oh, well.
She has a way of saying inappropriate things.
[chuckles] Runs in the family, huh?
We should get Bradford in here. He's a better cook than me.
-Bradford? -Yeah.
Bradford cooks what?
He's really good with fish.
Fish? Just like... all fish?
Like salmon with quinoa.
He can't even pronounce quinoa.
No, really. [laughs]
Well, he must've picked that up in South America.
He was supposed to go there to find himself for a month
and somehow, he found you in baggage claim.
I was surprised I was invited.
I wouldn't really say I... invited you.
Bradford said you wanted us to get to know each other better, I mean.
Come on, it's been a bit awkward.
-[Aubrey] You cleaned up nice. -[Zadie] Thank you.
I'm trying to seem harder to get than I actually am.
Why you playing dress up?
I'm pretending to be someone I like.
[chuckles] She is funny.
That wasn't a joke.
So, what do you do, Margo?
I work in public relations.
[Zadie] I was never able to relate to the public.
Always on the outskirts of society.
On the sidelines.
Ever since high school basketball.
-You played basketball? -[Zadie] Yeah.
But I wasn't good at it.
But it did keep me from getting fat.
I didn't really like it. I don't like in movies
where they have that last-minute switch,
where all of a sudden everyone has a conscience
and does the right thing.
Like, morality's a loose end that's not supposed to be tied up.
I thought it was really good, poignant.
-I haven't seen it. -Did you like it?
Uh...
-You know, I thought it was just okay. -Yeah.
You told me you liked it.
Initially, and then I thought about it some more and...
it didn't resonate.
I haven't been to Cuba, that's definitely on my list.
I've always wanted to go to Sri Lanka.
-Did you mean Costa Rica? -[Margo] No.
Why would you want to go to Sri Lanka?
-Why wouldn't I? -[Zadie] Well...
Personally, I wouldn't go, 'cause that humidity
gonna be messing up my weave.
You don't-- You don't have a weave.
[Zadie] Also, I just have a general rule
that I don't travel to places
where I could die in a mudslide.
[laughs]
Wait, weren't you dating somebody?
Briefly, Ryan.
Yes, Ryan, that's right, Ryan.
Yeah, half Japanese, half Jewish, complicated background.
But it made me feel cultured.
You're cultured, right?
You like art and travel,
you probably eat spelt cookies and drink fair trade coffee.
-I can't tell if she's joking. -She's not.
Excuse me, I'm gonna use the restroom.
[footsteps recede]
-What are you doing? -Hmm?
-What are you doing? -Nothing. How's your quinoa?
You've had something negative to say about everything that comes out of her mouth.
Can I not express my opinion?
It's not my fault that we have differing opinions about everything.
You can't say one positive thing.
I operate from a place of negativity.
You know this about me. That's not fair.
I don't think she's being negative.
Well, then you don't know her very well then, do you?
Yeah, and where the fuck were you earlier?
She was with me.
Yeah, and we had a really good time.
Look, just stop.
Fine, I'll be serious.
[footsteps approach]
[Margo laughs]
-Hey, guys. -[chair scrapes]
[Aubrey exhales]
Do you remember when we used to live together?
In that house with Rita and Brittany?
-What about it? -Well, we always...
Okay, whoa, whoa, what are we about to talk about?
I'm getting into it.
I can't stand it when you tell these stories.
I'm good at telling stories.
I get paid to tell stories.
Most of the time I don't get paid.
But I'm very good at it.
-You two lived together? -Mm-hmm.
With three other girls.
You lived with four girls?
It was a long time ago, don't worry.
So, we all go out to this bar called Mo's.
-Do you remember this bar? -Nope.
[Zadie] You know the bar.
I don't know the bar.
Okay. Well, we all get ready to go to Mo's
and on this particular weekend,
Rita's cousin Alison happens to be in town.
-And she was staying with you all? -[Zadie] Mm-hmm.
So we're out partying, many drinks are being had,
early-2000 Jay Z is playing,
and at the end of the night, we get into a cab, go home,
and everyone goes to their respective rooms.
Except for Alison.
Who goes looking for Bradford.
[Bradford] She was not-- was not looking for me.
[Zadie] She was jockeying for a position with Bradford all weekend.
What do you mean jockeying?
Jockeying, like... looking for a horse to ride.
And she was short, too.
Anyway, she found Bradford's room, top of the stable.
Look, I think the girl got lost.
And she sidles up to his bed.
And she says-- Do you remember the story now?
She says,
"I can't find a place to sleep.
Can I get in with you?"
And at this point, he had a girlfriend.
-But he always has a girlfriend. -Okay, not true, not true.
I was single for...
For never.
Margo, you're last on a long list of girlfriends.
-I don't like how that sounds. -You shouldn't.
So Alison has asked to get into Bradford's bed,
who has a girlfriend.
What did he do?
Well, Bradford, being the upstanding gentleman that he is,
graciously allows Alison to get in his bed.
And Alison, being the fast hooker that she is,
takes off all of her clothes and starts touching herself.
Now, Bradford's in a very precarious situation,
so to get out of it,
he decides that he should overzealously fake snore.
And after a bottle of tequila that sends Alison
into a very ugly cry,
followed by a duck and roll out of his bed.
-[Aubrey chuckles] -[Margo] What did he say to her?
What did you say to her?
"I thought you just needed a place to sleep."
[Zadie] "I thought you just needed a place to sleep."
I did, I did, that's...
Look, and then she hit her head.
He had to take her to the emergency room.
You would've been better off if you played dead.
I had the best intentions.
Yeah, well, that's why when I made my move on Bradford,
I didn't leave anything up for interpretation.
-Hey. -Hey.
Oh.
That girl looks sad.
Looks happy to me.
I'm talking about Margo.
Oh.
[Karen] She looks sorry.
She's reflective.
No, she's sad.
It's pitiful. [scoffs]
But that's not what you're really looking at.
I saw her.
No, you didn't see her.
-What you think about Aubrey? -[Karen] Hmm.
I think that if Aubrey pushes Zadie
to have enough dignity to get over you, then he's cool.
I always thought you wanted me and Zadie to get back together.
I want Zadie to have someone who wants Zadie.
I love Zadie.
I mean, I can't stand Zadie, but...
[Zadie] What what?
[indistinct]
[Zadie] Oh! [laughs]
That's just me.
["Give Me the Right" plays]
¶ Give me the right ¶
¶ To say you're mine... ¶
[Bradford] Sex is not the most important thing.
-[Zadie] Excuse me? -It's not!
It's important to me.
-Is it? -Very.
Look, I'm just saying that...
at this point in my life, okay,
there are other things that require more attention.
And how's Margo feel about this? You're not getting any?
Look, no one said Margo's not getting any.
-I think that's what you just said. -No, no, no,
I said that other things can weigh more heavily
in my reasons to be with somebody.
[Zadie] Illuminate us.
[Bradford] Like...
like who's gonna be a good mother for my kids.
Okay, or like, who's gonna help me achieve early retirement.
Oh, so it's economical?
-It's practical. -Thank you.
I love practical sex.
-I'm very practical. -Are you?
[Zadie] You know what turns me on?
I don't want to know, do I get a vote?
When a man tells me he wants to impregnate me.
If he whispers that in my ear and I know I'm ovulating, instant orgasm.
And he doesn't even have to be telling the truth.
[Bradford] Okay, all right, Zadie, shut up.
[Zadie] It's true.
I just get so functional, so gestational.
It really turns me on.
[Margo and Aubrey laugh]
What?
I'm gonna get some water, you want anything?
No.
[knocking]
Hello?
[door opens]
[sighs]
-Hey. -Hey.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
I mean, the makeup and the hair.
The clothes?
The way you falling all over him?
Maybe you forget how I act when I'm into somebody.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Thanks for the warning, is that it?
'Cause I'd like to get back to embarrassing myself.
Are you doing this because of Margo?
Because of Margo?
I mean, I know you don't like the girl.
But I don't know, maybe you're... a little jealous?
-Of Margo? -Yeah.
I think you're projecting a little bit.
I'm not projecting anything.
Really? Then why are you in my room asking about Aubrey
when Margo and that ring you brought here are tucked away in your room?
-We didn't work together. -Right.
-You went through my things. -Okay.
-You're still going through my things. -I'm not proud of it.
You're, like, five girls in one.
Look, I never knew who I was gonna wake up next to.
You know I have mild bipolar.
And I miss...
waking up next to each one of you.
I miss you begging me to stay in bed.
Margo works out at 6:00 in the morning.
Well, she is really skinny.
I think about you.
[scoffs] More than I should.
I feel like...
I wanna punch you in the face right now.
I'm just trying to tell you how I feel.
You used to be a little violent, too.
That time you pushed me in the chest,
hurt a little bit, okay, it's uncalled for.
So I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?
And your minor reasons for not wanting to be with me?
-Maybe I was a little crazy. -Yeah--
But at least I wasn't boring.
And you still broke up with me,
turned around and asked me to be your friend?
It's been three years of me waking up alone.
Or next to some stranger who overslept.
Should've left hours ago.
I have been sleepwalking for the last three years.
And you wanna come in here with the anesthesia?
If you think about me so much,
maybe you shouldn't have brought Margo here.
You're putting me to fucking sleep.
Why don't you look through my things.
It's only fair.
[door opens, closes]
["There'll Be Some Changes Made" plays]
¶ They say don't change The old for the new ¶
¶ But I found out that That would never do ¶
¶ When you grow old You don't last long ¶
¶ You're here today... ¶
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize.
Sorry.
You should never put yourself in a position to apologize.
Apologize to yourself.
Pardon?
You all are wasting the best years of your lives.
And finishing my liquor.
¶ There'll be Some changes today ¶
¶ Oh, there's a change In the weather ¶
¶ Yes, a change in the sea ¶
¶ From now on There'll be a change in me ¶
¶ My walk will be different My style and my name ¶
¶ Ain't nothing About sweet mama ¶
¶ Gonna be the same ¶
¶ I'm gonna change My long tall ¶
¶ And get a little ol' fat ¶
¶ I'm gonna change my number Where I'm living at ¶
Mom?
¶ 'Cause nobody wants you ¶
¶ When you're old and gray ¶
¶ There'll be Some changes made ¶
¶ I'm gonna make 'em today ¶
¶ There'll be Some changes made ¶
What are you doing in here?
Avoiding the crowd.
What's Dad's stuff doing in here?
[sighs] Resting.
Where's Dad?
He's resting, too.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
And the last time I checked, your name is not on the mortgage,
so don't come in here asking me all these questions
and getting in my business.
Dad is my business.
Then you should call your father.
He's not fishing?
No, Zadie.
Aren't you too old to be getting a divorce?
Everything is a joke to you.
You don't see me here alone?
Why don't you ask me how I'm doing?
How are you doing?
-None of your business. -See, that's why I don't ask!
You never feel the need to tell me anything.
Because I know it doesn't matter to you.
-That's not true. -[scoffs]
It is. You think you're the only one having a hard time?
-No, I don't. -Well, you're not.
Your problems aren't more interesting than everyone else's.
Zadie.
You're almost 30 years old.
I need you to grow up.
Take responsibility for yourself.
I don't know how to do that.
I'm gonna need you to figure it out.
What happened?
-Marriage. -Mom!
We've been married for 30 years.
Every year cannot be on the incline, Zadie.
When's he coming back?
I don't know.
-Did you ask him to leave? -No.
Do you want him to come back?
I don't know.
[sighs]
I want to leave.
-Why we leaving early? -Because I wanna leave.
What if I don't want to?
Then I'd say you were being pretty selfish.
No, I just-- I don't want to be rude.
-[scoffs] -Why we gotta go?
Because I have traipsed through enough fields
and waded by enough waters and now I am ready to go.
Always ready to go.
-Always? Am I always? -Always.
Yes, you're always ready to go.
Where the fuck were you last night?
-I told you. -How long does it take to get a glass of water?
I drank it in the kitchen.
You turn on the faucet, you put the glass under,
you turn the faucet off, you drink the water.
Thirty seconds maximum.
You know I sip slow, okay?
Have I not always sipped slow? I'm a slow sipper.
You know that.
And why is Zadie in a man's shirt with yesterday's eyeliner on?
I don't know, the girl got bad hygiene sometimes, I don't know.
Asking me all these questions.
So you getting to know Zadie, huh?
Cool, right?
Yeah, she's a funny girl.
Yeah, until it gets old, you know?
What, what gets old?
Come on, man, like, the routine.
The immaturity.
The inability to sit still.
Just drive you crazy.
-Oh. -Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, it's cool, you know, the...
laughs are cool with the movies
and the grabbing dinner, you know, whatever, like...
And the girl can eat, let me tell you that.
But...
What?
But can you marry her?
You know?
I mean, we really aren't that far yet.
Of course not. Hell, you just met the girl.
You know she's mildly bipolar, right?
Shall we?
What was that about?
Mental health.
-Mental health? -Yep.
Don't listen to anything Bradford has to say,
especially about me.
-No? -No.
Thought y'all were friends.
Yeah, that's a strong word.
You've known each other for a long time, you...
trade stories, sneak looks at each other.
I don't sneak.
What happened to you last night?
Thought we were gonna...
About last night.
I fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
Yes.
Okay. [chuckles]
You don't gotta lie to me. I mean, we just met.
You know, I just got out of a relationship.
No, really.
All right, I'm just saying.
You're just saying what?
It would've been nice to see you last night.
And it would be nice to see you...
after this weekend.
[Margo] Do you think he's been acting funny?
-[Zadie] Aubrey? -Bradford.
-Bradford's not very funny. -No, I mean...
Do you think he's been acting strange?
He seems normal to me.
I feel like he's been acting different, I feel like...
he acts different around you.
I don't think he acts different around me.
Yeah.
It's like he kind of devolves into a teenager.
Well, his reading comprehension has always been a little slow.
But I don't think I have anything to do with what you're talking about.
I think you do.
-No. -Yeah.
Around you, he becomes this, like, former rendition of himself.
Well, rendition's a big word for Bradford.
And he's not a good actor.
And even if he was acting, who's to say he's been acting for me?
Then who is he acting for?
You know he's not an early riser, right?
You and Zadie are cute together.
-[chuckles] Yeah? -Yeah.
See little sparks flying off of you.
Lord knows she can use the company.
What about you and Bradford?
What about us?
How long have you been together?
About two years... about.
-It's pretty serious, then. -I guess.
We're supposed to be moving in together.
Why do you say it like that?
'Cause I'm not sure I should be moving in with him.
It's an interesting outfit.
-Yeah, you like it? -No.
-Whose shirt is that? -It's my dad's.
You're worse than Karen, which is very impressive.
I know that.
I was being sarcastic.
I know that, too.
Don't you think you should apologize for last night?
No.
You don't think you should apologize?
No. Look, I should be allowed to express myself.
Who are you, En Vogue?
I felt like...
I had to tell you how I was feeling.
No, you did not have to tell me how you were feeling.
That was selfish and arrogant.
-And it made me realize-- -Realize what?
It made me realize that all these years, I thought we were friends.
But apparently, that was false.
We are friends.
You just kept me around to stroke your ego.
But as soon as a threat came in the picture,
you showed your true colors.
And it's an ugly palette.
-I'm in love with you. -That doesn't even sound right.
I bought that ring six months ago.
Well, maybe you should return it.
For six months, I've been...
I've been trying to propose to that girl.
Try harder.
Yeah, so, definitely ready to go.
I think this is a separate conversation.
That must have been really heavy.
[Bradford] I'm warning you.
It's not that big.
The past year's been, you know, pretty hard... financially.
It must've been really heavy for you to carry that box around for six months.
I mean, I didn't... carry it, like, on my person.
But I did have it for six months.
What were you... waiting for the right moment?
-In part. -Because there have been plenty of moments.
There was that time by the water,
when we were sitting on that bench.
-I remember that. -That was nice.
It was nice.
And last week, at Chez Oskar.
When it was empty.
We had that late dinner.
That was romantic.
I thought so.
I mean, that whole trip.
That whole trip we took for my birthday to Barcelona.
We had a great time.
I thought for certain the ring would make an appearance
because, you know, I found it
behind a stack of Jordans, like, four months ago,
and I thought you were just...
mustering up the courage.
I was a little scared.
-You can be scary sometimes. -No.
No, it wasn't bravery you were waiting on.
You were waiting on another girl.
Tell me I'm wrong.
So I'm gonna go.
I'm guessing you're gonna stay?
[scoffs]
-[Aubrey] Your mom's gonna take her to the bus stop? -[Zadie] Yeah.
And I could've sworn Margo said she hated public transportation.
-It's a really nice day today. -[Aubrey] It is.
[Zadie] I'm gonna go for a bike ride.
-I'll come. -Yeah?
He's gonna... you gonna go?
Yeah, think I will.
I'll come, too.
Great.
Yeah, great.
["Independence Cha Cha" plays]
Ugh. Forget it. They can have it.
[music continues]
[Aubrey] Whoa. I'm coming. I'm coming.
[grunting]
Should've brought a blanket.
[music stops]
When I said I played basketball, it was, like, 10 years ago.
We're walking back.
[music resumes]
[music ends]
-I think I'm gonna go. -Already?
Yeah, I got a long way to... drive.
And I kind of feel like I might've stepped in the middle of a break.
-You mean breakup? -No, I meant break.
Break.
Huh.
Let me know what he decides.
-I'm gonna get an early start. -Okay.
Okay.
[Zadie] Aubrey?
Yeah?
Good luck with your move.
Thanks.
He's a good guy.
Sad he had to go.
-Shut up. -What? I am.
[scoffs] You're not right. We're not right.
We're alone.
That's an optimistic view of it.
We're still alone.
Yeah, 'cause we ran everyone out.
-You happy I'm here? -No.
-You happy I'm here? -You're so annoying.
You know...
I gained a little weight since the last time we were together.
But the underwear's still the same.
-I remember the regalia. -Okay.
And I still don't do... that.
Mm-hmm. I...
That hasn't changed.
Yeah, I was hoping that had changed, but...
Nope, that's a... post-marital activity.
Not that I'm talking about marriage.
Sorry, I...
You know that I talk too much when I get naked.
You know, she found the ring four months ago.
I didn't.
Yeah.
And she was just... waiting on me to propose.
Like for all that time?
Just... waiting.
Crazy. Yeah.
I give up on the post office after 15 minutes.
You love storming out of there.
I do. I like to make a scene.
-Makes you feel good? -It does.
I just perform a deep sigh, rustle my bags,
just to let people know that I have somewhere else to be.
I should've treated you like the post office.
What?
We shouldn't do this.
Wait, wait, how did I become the post office?
You were always bad at analogies,
you don't understand the correlation.
I'm a post office?
Because I've been waiting for you.
Or maybe we were in line together.
-We should look at it like that. -No, no,
I've definitely been waiting all by myself,
standing behind some annoying woman
recounting her day on the phone.
Is the woman on the phone Margo?
-And others, yeah! -Right.
And now, I'm at the front of the line.
I don't think this analogy is fair.
And there's no payoff
because the woman behind the counter
is about to end her shift and she's partially blind.
-Now I'm a woman? -And she's yelling at me
'cause I didn't fill out the right label
and she's threatening to send me to the end of the line
just to do it all over again.
I'm completely lost.
It's never worth waiting in line.
It's anticlimactic.
Zade?
-You just gonna get out of bed? -Yep.
You just gonna get out of bed?
Huh? Just--
Fine, I'll be a post office!
[Karen] Check out was at noon.
And I don't remember any of you paying me.
Except for Aubrey.
-Who's not here anymore. -Correct.
I feel like there's this misconception that long-distance relationships
can't be romantic, but they can be.
They're very romantic 'cause there's mystery.
Like, my relationship is mysterious
because my boyfriend will never know
how awful of a life I live
when left to my own devices.
[audience laughs]
Like, he's never gonna be in my house
when I'm drinking the milk
a little bit past the expiration date.
That's a "me" thing.
[laughter]
By the way, it's totally fine
to drink the milk after the expiration date.
You don't have to do what people tell you to do.
You just gotta smell it.
[laughter]
Long-distance relationships are also great
because our time line in our relationship slows down.
Like, it's gonna be a year for him to realize
that I have not bought new underwear since college.
[laughter]
But it's perfect. We see each other
just enough for us to stay in love
but not enough for him to judge me as much as he should.
All right, I'm Zadie Barber. Thanks.
[clapping, cheering continues]