1
00:00:05,494 --> 00:00:07,927
Okay.
So let me get this straight.
2
00:00:07,963 --> 00:00:12,777
You're saying you were on
Hampstead Heath at 23:07, alone,
3
00:00:13,801 --> 00:00:15,265
walking your dog.
4
00:00:16,002 --> 00:00:17,502
That is correct.
5
00:00:17,538 --> 00:00:19,816
And for no reason,
you were attacked.
6
00:00:20,506 --> 00:00:21,837
Yup.
7
00:00:21,873 --> 00:00:24,240
But you don't want
to press charges.
8
00:00:24,276 --> 00:00:27,501
I just don't want the bother,
and he'll be long gone by now.
9
00:00:28,208 --> 00:00:29,403
Did you see your assailant?
10
00:00:29,439 --> 00:00:30,780
Only the back of his head...
11
00:00:33,949 --> 00:00:35,333
As he was running away.
12
00:00:37,556 --> 00:00:40,578
Okay. Well, now that's all cleared
up, I'm assuming we're free to leave.
13
00:00:44,032 --> 00:00:46,931
Thanks you, Robyn.
I didn't know who else to call.
14
00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:48,467
It's all right.
15
00:00:48,503 --> 00:00:50,135
What am I supposed
to do with this?
16
00:00:50,171 --> 00:00:52,337
Feed it twice a day.
Take it for nice, long walks.
17
00:00:52,373 --> 00:00:54,193
Treat it to
the occasional bone.
18
00:00:54,229 --> 00:00:56,275
But I don't want a dog!
19
00:00:56,311 --> 00:00:58,070
If you'd like to go back in
there and change your statement,
20
00:00:58,106 --> 00:00:59,309
you're more than welcome.
21
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:04,046
All right, his name is Lumpy and you
might want to get that eye looked at.
22
00:01:09,641 --> 00:01:11,051
Come on, Lumpy.
23
00:01:16,536 --> 00:01:21,004
Subtitles by explosiveskull
24
00:01:24,395 --> 00:01:26,633
It's my birthday
and I am going to party.
25
00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:27,433
Ow!
26
00:01:29,719 --> 00:01:32,818
Sorry, Teddy is getting
really bite-y.
27
00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:36,233
Honestly, my nipples
are a mess.
28
00:01:36,315 --> 00:01:39,485
You know those machines they have at
the pier? The ones that flatten pennies?
29
00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:41,699
It feels like my nipples have gone
through one of those machines.
30
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:44,672
Don't laugh. I'm not kidding.
31
00:01:44,708 --> 00:01:45,505
I'm sorry.
32
00:01:45,541 --> 00:01:47,117
Seriously, go enjoy
your titties
33
00:01:47,153 --> 00:01:48,671
while they're yours.
These days...
34
00:01:49,101 --> 00:01:52,135
Mine are either juice boxes for the
kids or Mark is grabbing at them
35
00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:54,866
like he's testing avocados.
36
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,712
Speaking of which, how's that going?
Are you guys still trying?
37
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,581
Sorry, was that
a bad thing to say?
38
00:02:02,970 --> 00:02:04,263
No, not at all.
39
00:02:04,313 --> 00:02:07,494
Yes, we're trying.
It's just taking a while.
40
00:02:07,565 --> 00:02:10,764
Honestly. That is for the best.
I'm not kidding.
41
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:13,389
Mark barely had to breathe on
my vagina, and I was pregnant,
42
00:02:13,453 --> 00:02:17,355
I'm not complaining but, you know,
a warning shot would've been nice.
43
00:02:17,425 --> 00:02:19,108
Fertile son of a... Ow!
44
00:02:19,144 --> 00:02:20,916
God damn it!
45
00:02:20,952 --> 00:02:24,177
I have got to put the baby down now.
Do you want me to call you back?
46
00:02:24,213 --> 00:02:27,151
No. Go. Sleep. I love you.
47
00:02:27,187 --> 00:02:28,947
Love you. Bye.
48
00:03:40,628 --> 00:03:42,297
Oh, fuck!
49
00:03:43,517 --> 00:03:44,851
Turn the light on, babe.
50
00:03:46,402 --> 00:03:47,369
Sorry.
51
00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:50,405
How was your night?
52
00:03:50,477 --> 00:03:53,076
Fantastic. Tramp took
a shit in the corridor.
53
00:03:53,206 --> 00:03:54,687
Dairy protest?
54
00:03:54,765 --> 00:03:57,906
No, protest is a bit
sophisticated for what I saw.
55
00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:00,199
Brought this back.
56
00:04:02,338 --> 00:04:04,472
Like, go in and get
checked, you know.
57
00:04:04,553 --> 00:04:06,779
Rule things out. Have a read.
58
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,204
Interesting moment
at work today.
59
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,307
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
60
00:04:13,343 --> 00:04:16,862
Tabitha, the new junior nurses'
assistant, tried to have sex with me.
61
00:04:16,932 --> 00:04:18,011
I'm sorry. What?
62
00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:22,210
Mmm-hmm. I know what you're thinking,
but she's not fat or hairy or mentally ill.
63
00:04:22,246 --> 00:04:26,125
She's actually pretty fit. Looks like
a slightly less toothy Billie Piper.
64
00:04:26,953 --> 00:04:27,649
Okay.
65
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:31,748
Yeah, proper pass. Asked me for a lift
home and everything. It was a slam dunk.
66
00:04:31,784 --> 00:04:33,770
Great. What did you do?
67
00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:34,539
Fucked her.
68
00:04:36,571 --> 00:04:41,310
I'm kidding! I told her I have a lovely
girlfriend waiting for me at home, of course.
69
00:04:43,318 --> 00:04:44,319
Great story.
70
00:04:44,862 --> 00:04:46,283
Someone jealous?
71
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:47,870
Just not sure
why you're telling me.
72
00:04:49,378 --> 00:04:51,524
I don't know.
I thought it was funny.
73
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,657
Don't you wanna know how
desirable your boyfriend is?
74
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:56,568
Not really. Do you wanna know about
all the men who try to fuck me?
75
00:04:58,096 --> 00:04:59,096
Wow.
76
00:05:00,056 --> 00:05:02,464
Christ, okay. Don't know
what's gone up your arse.
77
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:04,658
Just not sure what point
you're making.
78
00:05:04,712 --> 00:05:06,666
Do want a medal
for not cheating on me?
79
00:05:06,702 --> 00:05:08,366
No, of course not, I just...
80
00:05:09,573 --> 00:05:11,872
Okay, sorry if I misjudged it,
it wasn't meant to be a big deal.
81
00:05:11,908 --> 00:05:13,806
Then, why'd you tell me?
82
00:05:13,842 --> 00:05:16,578
I don't know, it was just...
it was on my mind and I thought it was...
83
00:05:20,007 --> 00:05:21,743
Oh, well, forget it, forget it.
84
00:05:22,711 --> 00:05:24,378
Forgive me for sharing.
85
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:00,139
Ha. You came back.
86
00:06:00,214 --> 00:06:01,563
You noticed.
87
00:06:01,637 --> 00:06:03,248
I don't know
if it was the coke
88
00:06:03,284 --> 00:06:06,220
or your Uber driver ruining
Simon's hand job story,
89
00:06:06,256 --> 00:06:08,790
but wow, you definitely
made an impression.
90
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,584
Yeah, I feel awful
about that.
91
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,411
No, don't. He's got
a million stories like that.
92
00:06:13,447 --> 00:06:17,730
Last week, he was telling this one about
getting rimmed in Nando's by a post man.
93
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,691
Absolute classic.
The guy has been married eleven years.
94
00:06:22,176 --> 00:06:23,624
- Do you want a drag?
- No.
95
00:06:23,729 --> 00:06:25,694
Yeah. Trying to quit.
96
00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:27,453
Ah, Vogues. Classy.
97
00:06:27,497 --> 00:06:29,758
Makes me feel like
a fat fingered Audrey Hepburn.
98
00:06:31,570 --> 00:06:33,733
Oh, God.
I'm Tom, by the way.
99
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,395
Robyn.
100
00:06:35,431 --> 00:06:36,485
Like the super hero?
101
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,942
Sidekick. Robin's not
a super hero. He's a sidekick.
102
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:43,476
But I'm plenty happy
being in the background.
103
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:47,101
It's odd when you start these things.
Everyone has got more hours than you.
104
00:06:47,293 --> 00:06:48,941
I remember feeling like
I joined a cult.
105
00:06:48,977 --> 00:06:51,042
They were gonna ask me
to marry my sister.
106
00:06:51,219 --> 00:06:52,627
It gets better thought.
I promise.
107
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,462
Mm. Can't wait.
108
00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:56,047
How long have you
been in the rooms?
109
00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:57,143
Three years.
110
00:06:57,555 --> 00:06:59,353
- Wow!
- Yeah.
111
00:06:59,389 --> 00:07:01,429
Wish I could say it was easy.
112
00:07:01,513 --> 00:07:04,301
I mean, some days you feel like you
nicked it, and other days, it just...
113
00:07:04,398 --> 00:07:07,094
Bang! It just kicks you in the
bollocks like an angry mule.
114
00:07:08,016 --> 00:07:09,783
Or lady bollocks,
in your case.
115
00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:15,694
Anyway...
We should head inside.
116
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,096
Um...
Stick at it.
117
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:21,727
I don't know
if you've got a sponsor...
118
00:07:22,944 --> 00:07:25,170
If you ever wanna talk
about your recovery...
119
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,334
Or anything else,
for that matter.
120
00:07:50,792 --> 00:07:55,311
So, I found out a guy who
I went to school with is trans.
121
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,735
Does that happen
to any of you?
122
00:07:58,564 --> 00:07:59,789
It's pretty confusing.
123
00:07:59,862 --> 00:08:02,778
He's... Obviously, now,
I know that "he" is a "she".
124
00:08:02,838 --> 00:08:04,940
But what if I wanna
talk about my past?
125
00:08:04,974 --> 00:08:08,374
Is he a "he" before
a certain time?
126
00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:10,277
Or is there like
a cut off point?
127
00:08:11,978 --> 00:08:13,878
Sorry, bad joke, I suppose.
128
00:08:13,941 --> 00:08:16,980
Now, to do something
like that, it takes balls.
129
00:08:17,418 --> 00:08:19,018
That's a funny line.
130
00:08:19,128 --> 00:08:22,607
Sorry, have I just walked into
a working men's club from the '80s
131
00:08:22,676 --> 00:08:25,531
Appreciating someone having to
undergo intensive and invasive
132
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:28,694
gender re-assignment surgery,
must've been very difficult for you.
133
00:08:30,238 --> 00:08:31,192
Not quite the point
I was making.
134
00:08:31,239 --> 00:08:33,550
I mean, yeah, that's fine.
Over 20 grand for the treatment,
135
00:08:33,602 --> 00:08:36,353
but you're confused about
which pronouns to use.
136
00:08:38,762 --> 00:08:41,929
Yeah, all right, sit back down, love, 'cause
people have come here for some comedy.
137
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,422
Yeah, when's
that gonna start, eh?
138
00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:48,645
You're lucky there's not a dick under there
anymore, or I'd knock you in your arse!
139
00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:49,906
Oh, come on,
how was I supposed to know
140
00:08:49,942 --> 00:08:52,541
there was a trans
comedian in the audience?
141
00:08:52,577 --> 00:08:54,004
I mean, what're the chances
of that happening?
142
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,201
Well, she was on the line-up,
so, I'd say pretty fuckin' high.
143
00:08:56,248 --> 00:08:58,216
Well, I don't even know
who Allie Gregs is!
144
00:08:58,278 --> 00:09:00,484
And neither did I, but now
I do, it's all over Twitter.
145
00:09:00,546 --> 00:09:02,480
Oh, come on, it wasn't even that offensive.
I was being ironic.
146
00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:03,585
How is it ironic?
147
00:09:04,101 --> 00:09:05,102
Because...
148
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,100
I'm not trans.
149
00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:10,547
Live nation is threatening
to pull the whole tour.
150
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:11,855
Hundred and forty-seven
thousand hits?
151
00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:13,033
That is not a good thing.
152
00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:14,996
I thought there was
no such thing as bad publicity.
153
00:09:15,051 --> 00:09:17,090
If one person throws
that bullshit at me...
154
00:09:17,126 --> 00:09:19,762
Just have a conversation with Kevin
Spacey and he can fill you in.
155
00:09:19,822 --> 00:09:21,874
I can't...
We talked about this.
156
00:09:21,955 --> 00:09:26,190
You said, try a bit more edgy
material, be a bit more risque,
157
00:09:26,226 --> 00:09:27,656
it'll play well
with young people.
158
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,268
I meant, try
and joke about ISIS,
159
00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:32,352
not offend an entire
community of people.
160
00:09:32,398 --> 00:09:34,210
You don't think she's
being a tiny bit sensitive?
161
00:09:34,253 --> 00:09:37,322
You know, the most damaging thing about this
tape is that she's being funnier than you.
162
00:09:37,358 --> 00:09:39,464
Hey. I resent that.
That is new material.
163
00:09:39,524 --> 00:09:41,934
I'm running that in.
That is not going to be perfect...
164
00:09:41,970 --> 00:09:42,951
Enough!
165
00:09:42,987 --> 00:09:47,065
Go bathe and put some pants on.
We've got work to do.
166
00:09:47,668 --> 00:09:48,468
Trans...
167
00:09:54,016 --> 00:09:55,674
Okay, so we are going
for full mea culpa,
168
00:09:55,710 --> 00:09:57,083
egg on face, big apologies,
169
00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:59,800
- kissing trans babies, the works.
- Trans babies?
170
00:09:59,836 --> 00:10:02,013
Isn't this the man who got
kicked out at the comedy awards
171
00:10:02,049 --> 00:10:04,773
for dipping his balls on the
Head of BBC comedy's Prosecco?
172
00:10:04,809 --> 00:10:06,740
Not sure humility
is his strong point.
173
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,597
Melody, I need you to get
in touch with Allie Gregs.
174
00:10:08,643 --> 00:10:10,413
She's not gonna wanna talk
to you but do whatever it takes.
175
00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:11,782
We need to contain this.
176
00:10:14,108 --> 00:10:15,807
- Earth to Melody.
- Yes, got it.
177
00:10:15,843 --> 00:10:17,824
Ooh, Tom, kiss.
178
00:10:17,871 --> 00:10:18,809
Anyone nice?
179
00:10:18,845 --> 00:10:20,937
Oh, no,
just a guy from NA.
180
00:10:20,973 --> 00:10:22,745
It's not...
He was offering to be my sponsor.
181
00:10:22,815 --> 00:10:23,822
I bet he was.
182
00:10:23,877 --> 00:10:25,681
God, I love a damaged man.
Is he cute?
183
00:10:25,717 --> 00:10:26,484
I haven't really
thought about it.
184
00:10:26,517 --> 00:10:28,015
Yeah. Well, whatever.
185
00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:30,269
Well, enjoy sponsoring
his brains out.
186
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:33,968
Maybe I should set up
the two of you.
187
00:10:34,004 --> 00:10:35,790
Hmm, last time I went
on a blind date, I ended up
188
00:10:35,871 --> 00:10:37,098
climbing out of a window
at Sexy Fish.
189
00:10:37,145 --> 00:10:38,378
Seriously. He's hot.
190
00:10:38,414 --> 00:10:39,145
Oh, he's hot now, is he?
191
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:40,590
- I thought you hadn't thought about it.
- Shut up.
192
00:10:40,626 --> 00:10:42,001
Do you wanna fuck him
with my vagina? Is that it?
193
00:10:42,037 --> 00:10:43,374
- Don't be a dick.
- Look, if you need me to have sex
194
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,224
with him, you don't have to, you just have to ask.
195
00:10:46,265 --> 00:10:48,605
- Selena Pope's been spotted with her...
- Yep. Got it.
196
00:10:48,641 --> 00:10:49,238
Christ.
197
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,751
When it rains, everyone's an idiotic twit.
Right. I'll deal with Proctorgate.
198
00:10:51,787 --> 00:10:54,154
I need some transgender celebs who will
agree to be friends with Dan Proctor.
199
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,530
I can only think
of Caitlin Jenner
200
00:10:55,566 --> 00:10:56,593
and that lady
that won Big Brother.
201
00:10:56,629 --> 00:10:58,076
Definitely start
with Big Brother.
202
00:10:59,199 --> 00:11:00,200
Taxi.
203
00:11:13,554 --> 00:11:14,656
- Hello.
- Hi.
204
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:16,074
Are we still on for tonight?
205
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,338
Of course.
206
00:11:17,591 --> 00:11:19,571
Good. 'Cause I'm gonna
get F-ed up...
207
00:11:19,665 --> 00:11:22,199
- Mummy, higher.
- Mummy is on the phone, bubba.
208
00:11:22,988 --> 00:11:24,287
Are you absolutely sure
209
00:11:24,323 --> 00:11:25,600
you don't wanna spend
your birthday with Mark?
210
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:26,922
I've spent every night
of my life with Mark.
211
00:11:26,958 --> 00:11:28,772
For once, he can look
after his children,
212
00:11:28,808 --> 00:11:30,620
while mummy gets her party on.
213
00:11:30,675 --> 00:11:33,093
- Mummy!
- Okay.
214
00:11:33,129 --> 00:11:35,786
Oh, my God, I cannot tell you
how excited I am for tonight.
215
00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:38,727
I feel like it has been ages
since I got a proper night out.
216
00:11:38,789 --> 00:11:41,971
You better get ready because Mummy
is going to bring the thunder.
217
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,241
Okay, but you will stop
referring to yourself as Mummy
218
00:11:44,277 --> 00:11:46,368
this evening, right?
'Cause it's kinda weirding me out.
219
00:11:47,471 --> 00:11:49,240
That is noted.
220
00:11:49,302 --> 00:11:50,530
I'll see you later.
221
00:11:50,631 --> 00:11:51,974
- Love you.
- Higher.
222
00:11:52,033 --> 00:11:53,968
Put your back into it, woman.
223
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:58,998
What part of "Wear it
at all times" confused you?
224
00:11:59,034 --> 00:12:00,708
Uh, I needed soya.
225
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:03,564
I popped out
for like five seconds.
226
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,292
How was I supposed to know
there was a paparazzi
227
00:12:05,328 --> 00:12:07,562
hiding behind my neighbor's
fucking Qashqai?
228
00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:10,029
You're supposed to be
eight-and-a-half months pregnant.
229
00:12:10,065 --> 00:12:12,559
You cannot leave the house
without your fucking baby.
230
00:12:12,595 --> 00:12:15,118
- I forgot.
- You forgot?
231
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:16,706
How many times
have we been through this?
232
00:12:16,742 --> 00:12:18,895
Nine months, nine bumps.
233
00:12:18,931 --> 00:12:20,679
I even numbered them for you.
234
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,152
This is really hard.
235
00:12:22,206 --> 00:12:24,036
No, Selena, having
an actual baby is hard.
236
00:12:24,072 --> 00:12:26,652
- This is shoving a cushion up your jumper.
- Stop shouting.
237
00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:28,293
Look, why don't we just say
I lost the baby?
238
00:12:28,329 --> 00:12:30,255
Uh, excuse me?
239
00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:32,109
And what exactly would you
like me to do with this?
240
00:12:32,145 --> 00:12:36,774
Christ! I don't know. I'm just trying
a little bit of blue sky thinking.
241
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,082
Can we just kinda
take a night early?
242
00:12:40,118 --> 00:12:42,196
Oh, maybe next time you could
have your own bloody baby.
243
00:12:42,232 --> 00:12:44,931
Okay, we've been through this.
I have got hostile womb...
244
00:12:45,812 --> 00:12:47,497
And a very busy schedule.
245
00:12:47,575 --> 00:12:49,495
Also, I don't want
my vagina ripped
246
00:12:49,531 --> 00:12:51,666
to my arsehole.
Is that okay with you?
247
00:12:51,702 --> 00:12:53,389
That is what
I'm paying her for.
248
00:12:54,582 --> 00:12:55,863
Sorry, Rose.
249
00:12:55,899 --> 00:12:57,792
When was the last time you were
photographed with the bump?
250
00:12:57,828 --> 00:13:01,029
Oh, the talk on body confidence
for International Women's Day.
251
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,100
Maybe ten days ago.
252
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:04,778
That's when you had the baby.
That night, it came early
253
00:13:04,824 --> 00:13:06,698
and since then,
you've been working hard
254
00:13:06,734 --> 00:13:07,811
to drop the baby weight.
255
00:13:08,826 --> 00:13:10,694
She's also been working
really fucking hard.
256
00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:11,967
Yeah.
257
00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:14,921
But what about the baby?
We don't have a baby.
258
00:13:15,144 --> 00:13:18,132
We will just have to borrow one
until the actual baby arrives.
259
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,288
Borrow one?
260
00:13:19,324 --> 00:13:22,671
When the baby's born, it's date of birth will
be on its birth certificate. It won't match.
261
00:13:22,707 --> 00:13:23,992
That we can deal with.
262
00:13:24,028 --> 00:13:26,240
According to Wikipedia,
she's 29.
263
00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:37,347
Oh, great. Hi, guys.
Thank you so much for doing this.
264
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,689
This is Dan.
265
00:13:39,017 --> 00:13:40,609
Who are these people?
266
00:13:40,664 --> 00:13:42,864
Dan, this is James and Coco
267
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,915
and they're from organization
called TransEducate.
268
00:13:44,951 --> 00:13:47,148
And they've very kindly
agreed to come here today
269
00:13:47,184 --> 00:13:48,980
to educate you
about your ignorance.
270
00:13:49,747 --> 00:13:51,099
- Seriously?
- Okay, don't look,
271
00:13:51,135 --> 00:13:53,570
but there's a photographer with
a long lens just over there.
272
00:13:53,614 --> 00:13:55,910
We're just having casual lunch
with your casual trans friends.
273
00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:59,814
We're showing how casually
not transphobic you are. Okay?
274
00:13:59,895 --> 00:14:02,169
All you have to do is talk
to them, and not be a bigot.
275
00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:03,983
Can you do that?
276
00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:10,746
Dan Proctor.
277
00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:13,753
Hi.
278
00:14:14,210 --> 00:14:15,211
Hi.
279
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:27,185
- Hiya. You Allie Gregs?
- Yeah.
280
00:14:27,221 --> 00:14:30,129
My name is Melody. I work
for Dan Proctor's PR company.
281
00:14:30,192 --> 00:14:31,960
I was just wondering
if we could have a chat...
282
00:14:34,025 --> 00:14:35,324
No callbacks.
283
00:14:36,628 --> 00:14:37,562
Oh, God.
284
00:14:38,163 --> 00:14:39,848
- Yep.
- How's it going?
285
00:14:39,884 --> 00:14:41,548
Um, not great.
286
00:14:41,588 --> 00:14:43,982
I need someone who's had a
baby in the last six weeks.
287
00:14:44,018 --> 00:14:45,497
Oh, hang on.
288
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,885
Eve's calling. Let me see
if I can patch with her.
289
00:14:51,464 --> 00:14:52,663
I need a baby.
290
00:14:52,699 --> 00:14:55,102
Same thing happened to my friend
literally the day she hit 30.
291
00:14:55,138 --> 00:14:56,443
No, I need to borrow one.
292
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:57,844
Oh, what about Cheryl
from Accounts?
293
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,418
She had a baby, like,
a week ago.
294
00:14:59,454 --> 00:15:01,106
- Which one's Cheryl?
- Red hair.
295
00:15:02,246 --> 00:15:03,777
She's married to Ian
with the beard.
296
00:15:03,831 --> 00:15:06,285
You said she looked like a love
child of Ed Sheeran and a cookie.
297
00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:09,477
Oh. Cheryl.
Was she pregnant?
298
00:15:09,513 --> 00:15:10,573
Only for nine months.
299
00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:12,424
- Melody, can you text me her address?
- Mmm-hmm.
300
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:13,501
Eve, how's it going
on your end?
301
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:16,359
All good. Operation
Some-of-my-best-friends-are-black is a go.
302
00:15:25,284 --> 00:15:28,060
It is so nice of you to come
and visit me.
303
00:15:28,131 --> 00:15:32,273
Of course. All the girls and I were talking
about you in the office this morning.
304
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,908
That's just so sweet.
305
00:15:33,955 --> 00:15:37,857
No offense, but I didn't even
know if you knew who I was.
306
00:15:37,908 --> 00:15:40,862
We often feel a bit left out,
down in accounts.
307
00:15:41,392 --> 00:15:43,056
Don't be ridiculous.
308
00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:44,709
What's her name?
309
00:15:44,771 --> 00:15:46,051
It's Ivy.
310
00:15:46,109 --> 00:15:47,109
That's beautiful.
311
00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:48,313
Do you want to hold her?
312
00:15:49,191 --> 00:15:50,669
Oh! Um, no, I...
313
00:15:50,703 --> 00:15:52,368
I could really do with peeing.
314
00:15:54,189 --> 00:15:55,621
Okay.
315
00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:03,800
You can have a mussy, so
she's not sick on your dress.
316
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:05,723
Mmm...
317
00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:12,574
What's up, shorty?
318
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,341
Yeah.
319
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:19,643
I feel the same way.
320
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:28,682
Hey, you.
321
00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,087
You're a natural.
322
00:16:37,169 --> 00:16:39,476
Oh.
323
00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,624
Cheryl, how do you fancy
getting out of the house today?
324
00:17:30,123 --> 00:17:31,756
You make a terrible
spy, you know?
325
00:17:31,844 --> 00:17:33,780
Please, can I just
explain a minute?
326
00:17:33,816 --> 00:17:36,540
I have an interview with
Abigail Reese at 2:00 pm.
327
00:17:36,576 --> 00:17:37,867
I'm not speaking to anyone else.
328
00:17:37,903 --> 00:17:40,525
Especially not to
Dan Dickhead Proctor's PR.
329
00:17:41,889 --> 00:17:42,890
Please?
330
00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:46,630
I'm the new girl in the office.
I've only just moved to London.
331
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:50,651
And I hardly know anyone.
I'm barely even getting paid, so...
332
00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:53,221
They already think I'm some kind
of wide-eyed country bumpkin.
333
00:17:53,257 --> 00:17:55,298
This is the first proper job
they've actually given me to do.
334
00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:59,010
So I can't mess it up 'cause then
they'll find out I'm a total loser.
335
00:18:00,291 --> 00:18:02,828
Please, I just...
I just want them to like me.
336
00:18:04,696 --> 00:18:06,472
Did you seriously
just give a speech
337
00:18:06,508 --> 00:18:09,491
about not fitting in to
a trans woman?
338
00:18:09,573 --> 00:18:12,194
Jesus. Is there nothing
you people won't stoop to?
339
00:18:14,986 --> 00:18:16,486
Oh, tits.
340
00:18:20,202 --> 00:18:23,204
A bit stage-y. Creepy.
341
00:18:23,238 --> 00:18:27,011
Serial killer. Okay, no.
We're going for natural humility.
342
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:35,043
Look, I was just saying that
I knew him... I knew her
343
00:18:35,079 --> 00:18:40,311
as a man, so it's confusing
knowing what to call them now.
344
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:41,861
Are you married?
345
00:18:41,947 --> 00:18:42,599
Yeah.
346
00:18:42,669 --> 00:18:44,148
What was her last name before
you were married?
347
00:18:44,184 --> 00:18:47,724
Sarah? Barker.
Sarah Barker.
348
00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:49,290
Then how on earth did you
get your head around the fact
349
00:18:49,326 --> 00:18:51,657
that you now have to
call her Sarah Proctor?
350
00:18:51,796 --> 00:18:55,060
Christ. It must be
so confusing for you.
351
00:18:55,196 --> 00:18:56,394
You're Dan Proctor!
352
00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,364
Sorry?
353
00:18:57,568 --> 00:18:58,848
You're Dan Proctor!
354
00:18:58,903 --> 00:18:59,588
No I'm not.
355
00:18:59,624 --> 00:19:00,874
Oh, come on mate,
you're great.
356
00:19:00,945 --> 00:19:03,042
I love that bit you do
about Popeye wanking.
357
00:19:04,654 --> 00:19:06,984
That is sick!
358
00:19:07,039 --> 00:19:11,807
I used to do this whole routine about
Popeye having much larger forearms than...
359
00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,356
It's actually a lot
cleverer than he's...
360
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:15,937
Mate, can I get a picture?
361
00:19:15,999 --> 00:19:16,817
Not now, mate.
362
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,448
Oh, come on.
Don't be a dick about it.
363
00:19:18,484 --> 00:19:20,959
You can see that I'm
just having a drink with my friends?
364
00:19:20,995 --> 00:19:22,584
Can you turn that camera off?
365
00:19:22,617 --> 00:19:24,362
All right, stop it, now.
366
00:19:24,398 --> 00:19:25,644
Don't shoot this. Don't shoot this!
367
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,116
Uh, why is there
a photographer there?
368
00:19:27,152 --> 00:19:28,203
Oh no, no, no.
He's not with us.
369
00:19:28,239 --> 00:19:30,654
- Is this a setup?
- Mate, you are unbelievable.
370
00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:32,075
No, no, wait, wait.
371
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,426
You're a fucking dinosaur.
372
00:19:34,459 --> 00:19:37,228
And I've seen your
Popeye routine. It's shit.
373
00:19:45,086 --> 00:19:46,877
Why is there
a baby in reception?
374
00:19:46,913 --> 00:19:47,880
We borrowed it.
375
00:19:47,986 --> 00:19:49,319
For Selena Pope.
376
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:50,909
Okay's doing the announcements.
377
00:19:51,872 --> 00:19:53,126
Allie Gregs.
378
00:19:53,162 --> 00:19:55,467
I tried talking to her,
but she's not interested.
379
00:19:55,522 --> 00:19:59,864
She is meeting Abigail Reese at
the Dean Street Hotel at 2:00.
380
00:20:00,565 --> 00:20:02,177
You know Reese.
Don't you, Robyn?
381
00:20:02,239 --> 00:20:05,300
No. I used to know her a bit,
but I haven't...
382
00:20:05,885 --> 00:20:06,878
Dan Proctor.
383
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,901
Right. Dan Proctor.
384
00:20:08,937 --> 00:20:10,055
You have eleven seconds.
385
00:20:10,091 --> 00:20:13,368
Not great. His twitter feed is
exploding with LGBTQ activists
386
00:20:13,404 --> 00:20:16,092
calling for his tour to be pulled.
Live nation are shitting themselves.
387
00:20:16,137 --> 00:20:19,545
The video has already made it to all national news
outlets and is already up on several websites,
388
00:20:19,581 --> 00:20:22,793
and he just got slapped round the
face by a sassy trans activist.
389
00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:33,635
I spoke to Nadia
from Big Brother V.
390
00:20:33,671 --> 00:20:35,590
We can claim ignorance...
391
00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,944
Well, maybe if we dig deeper
into his family life.
392
00:20:38,014 --> 00:20:39,426
Stop.
393
00:20:39,462 --> 00:20:41,491
Christ.
394
00:20:41,561 --> 00:20:44,651
It's like being slowly stung
to death by incompetent wasps.
395
00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:45,943
There's blood in the water.
396
00:20:45,976 --> 00:20:49,800
Stop flapping around like a bunch of
epileptic penguins and take control.
397
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,660
Here's what we're going to do.
398
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,119
- Yeah.
- Allie Gregs, ten o'clock.
399
00:21:04,742 --> 00:21:06,417
What the hell does
ten o'clock mean?
400
00:21:06,453 --> 00:21:10,443
Behind you! Left! She's coming
your way now. She's coming in.
401
00:21:17,891 --> 00:21:21,050
Oh! I'm so sorry. So sorry.
402
00:21:21,086 --> 00:21:23,481
Oh, my God.
Are you Allie Gregs?
403
00:21:23,517 --> 00:21:24,798
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
404
00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,121
I saw your show
in Edinburgh.
405
00:21:26,157 --> 00:21:26,724
Oh, really?
406
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,657
This is crazy. I just think you're
so brilliant...
407
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:42,399
Reese!
408
00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:43,414
Robyn, hi.
409
00:21:43,450 --> 00:21:44,605
It's good to see you.
410
00:21:44,641 --> 00:21:45,802
Same.
411
00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:46,638
What are you doing here?
412
00:21:46,674 --> 00:21:47,968
Just work. You?
413
00:21:48,004 --> 00:21:49,806
I'm here to meet...
414
00:21:51,438 --> 00:21:53,704
I'm not meeting
Allie Gregs, am I?
415
00:21:53,811 --> 00:21:56,285
Christ. How do you people
creep in so quick?
416
00:21:56,347 --> 00:21:58,412
I take it you're looking after
Dan Proctor these days.
417
00:21:58,714 --> 00:22:00,349
Why don't we
grab a drink?
418
00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:08,590
Yes, I...
Hello. Is it Reese?
419
00:22:08,704 --> 00:22:11,396
Not exactly.
Um, should we get a drink?
420
00:22:19,771 --> 00:22:20,507
Yeah.
421
00:22:20,543 --> 00:22:21,926
Three Edinburgh festivals.
422
00:22:21,962 --> 00:22:25,130
Eighty-seater, eighty-seater,
one hundred and twenty-seater.
423
00:22:25,201 --> 00:22:29,600
Regular slot at London clubs, average
capacity between two, three hundred.
424
00:22:29,662 --> 00:22:31,579
Modest regional
touring circuit.
425
00:22:31,649 --> 00:22:35,156
- What's your point?
- My point is that you're funny. You have something to say.
426
00:22:35,230 --> 00:22:38,263
Unfortunately right now,
no one is hearing you say it.
427
00:22:38,463 --> 00:22:40,665
Dan Procter plays to
more people in one night
428
00:22:40,701 --> 00:22:42,799
than you have played to in the
entire four years of your career.
429
00:22:42,870 --> 00:22:44,597
He won't when I'm
finished with him.
430
00:22:44,672 --> 00:22:46,231
Do you really think so?
431
00:22:46,267 --> 00:22:47,826
That video has been up
twenty-four hours.
432
00:22:47,862 --> 00:22:49,773
It's already been watched
by nearly a million people.
433
00:22:49,809 --> 00:22:51,088
Have you read
all the comments?
434
00:22:52,318 --> 00:22:54,634
A biting interview
with Abigail Reese,
435
00:22:54,670 --> 00:22:57,265
tearing Mr. Proctor
to shreds would be fun
436
00:22:57,301 --> 00:23:01,016
and fair, but it's not
going to change things.
437
00:23:01,052 --> 00:23:03,595
The same people will still be
sitting in the same pub saying,
438
00:23:03,631 --> 00:23:05,896
I don't see what all
the fuss is about.
439
00:23:05,932 --> 00:23:09,496
You don't change opinions by talking
to the nodding-dog Guardian readers
440
00:23:09,532 --> 00:23:11,431
who already agree with you.
441
00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:15,172
You change them by pissing
in the mainstream.
442
00:23:15,219 --> 00:23:16,687
How exactly do I do that?
443
00:23:17,785 --> 00:23:18,985
Okay.
444
00:23:23,537 --> 00:23:26,937
Entitled,
chauvinistic, ball bag
445
00:23:27,005 --> 00:23:30,374
picks fight he can't win
with unknown trans comedian.
446
00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:32,283
Ooh.
447
00:23:32,353 --> 00:23:33,755
Looking forward to this.
448
00:23:35,896 --> 00:23:37,743
The perfect PR stunt.
449
00:23:37,812 --> 00:23:39,279
Excuse me?
450
00:23:39,328 --> 00:23:40,326
Think about it.
451
00:23:40,405 --> 00:23:42,945
Dan Proctor is about to
announce his biggest tour ever.
452
00:23:43,002 --> 00:23:45,102
Eighteen dates,
four at the O2.
453
00:23:45,170 --> 00:23:47,489
You said it yourself.
No one talks about Dan Proctor anymore.
454
00:23:47,552 --> 00:23:51,328
He's middle of the road. Mainstream.
Not an edge in sight.
455
00:23:51,398 --> 00:23:51,965
But...
456
00:23:52,001 --> 00:23:55,537
If Dan Procter were to be
supported on that tour
457
00:23:55,597 --> 00:24:00,277
by the most dynamic and exciting comedian on
the circuit who just so happens to be trans...
458
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:03,857
Now. That's an
interesting story.
459
00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:05,826
Not to mention
an extraordinary platform
460
00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:09,363
for such a vocal ambassador of
the trans community as yourself.
461
00:24:09,501 --> 00:24:11,454
If that were the case,
462
00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:15,403
then staging a fight with that comedian,
a fight that actively holds up a mirror
463
00:24:15,439 --> 00:24:18,436
to the ignorance that trans
people face every single day...
464
00:24:18,516 --> 00:24:20,982
A fight that accidentally
got leaked to a million people.
465
00:24:21,018 --> 00:24:22,849
Well, that just might be
a stroke of genius.
466
00:24:24,081 --> 00:24:26,589
Okay, I see where
you're going here. But why...
467
00:24:26,625 --> 00:24:29,559
Why the fuck would I even consider
sharing a stage with that prick?
468
00:24:30,084 --> 00:24:32,149
I'm not being funny, but...
469
00:24:32,232 --> 00:24:36,110
If you want me to eat that shit,
you need to at least give me a spoon.
470
00:24:36,196 --> 00:24:40,130
Dan's management has agreed to give ten
percent of the profits to Stonewall.
471
00:24:40,166 --> 00:24:43,213
As well as mention them
in all publicity.
472
00:24:43,261 --> 00:24:45,593
He's one of the best known
comedians in the UK.
473
00:24:45,768 --> 00:24:47,569
Twelve million
Twitter followers.
474
00:24:47,605 --> 00:24:48,982
You think people would
actually believe it?
475
00:24:49,042 --> 00:24:52,043
They will if they're given an
exclusive by a credible journalist.
476
00:24:52,105 --> 00:24:54,996
Particularly if that credible
journalist happens to be
477
00:24:55,052 --> 00:24:57,718
a heavy influencer
in the LGBTQ community.
478
00:24:57,933 --> 00:25:01,827
Wouldn't it be fun to be the one
journalist who actually got the joke?
479
00:25:02,574 --> 00:25:06,772
Okay, okay, I get it. It's a great platform.
You're all crusaders for the cause
480
00:25:06,831 --> 00:25:11,333
and all that. That's grand.
But let's cut the crap, shall we?
481
00:25:13,337 --> 00:25:14,238
How much?
482
00:25:16,525 --> 00:25:18,156
Forty-five minutes material.
483
00:25:18,301 --> 00:25:19,966
Fifty percent
of the box office.
484
00:25:20,253 --> 00:25:21,560
The O2 is not exactly small.
485
00:25:21,596 --> 00:25:23,780
- Stonewall's ten percent comes out of his cut.
- Okay.
486
00:25:23,859 --> 00:25:26,306
- Plus you represent me for free.
- For the first six months.
487
00:25:26,342 --> 00:25:27,521
- Twelve.
- Eight.
488
00:25:28,707 --> 00:25:29,373
Deal.
489
00:25:30,686 --> 00:25:31,866
Nice doing
business with you.
490
00:25:31,902 --> 00:25:33,721
And he's agreed to all this?
491
00:25:33,757 --> 00:25:34,862
Of course, he has.
492
00:25:36,549 --> 00:25:37,613
Fifty percent?
493
00:25:37,649 --> 00:25:39,882
It's actually forty
when you factor in Stonewall.
494
00:25:39,918 --> 00:25:41,885
Not to mention our fee.
495
00:25:41,936 --> 00:25:45,409
Well, it's madness! Whatever
happened to freedom of speech?
496
00:25:45,467 --> 00:25:49,397
What, the PC patrol get to dictate what
I can and can't talk about now, do they?
497
00:25:49,433 --> 00:25:52,915
Dan, I think you can talk
about whatever you like.
498
00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:54,786
You just have to be funny.
499
00:25:54,864 --> 00:25:58,490
Belle, get Mr. Proctor here
a glass of fizzy water.
500
00:25:58,572 --> 00:26:00,791
And stick a little
gin in it. Thanks.
501
00:26:04,443 --> 00:26:06,529
Do you think my
Popeye routine is shit?
502
00:26:07,687 --> 00:26:10,254
Absolutely. That's lovely.
503
00:26:10,416 --> 00:26:13,348
That's lovely.
It's all lovely. It's great.
504
00:26:13,555 --> 00:26:15,748
Get some more face.
Fantastic.
505
00:26:15,784 --> 00:26:18,053
Um, sorry, just, um...
506
00:26:20,559 --> 00:26:22,858
It's...
It's ginger. Is that a problem?
507
00:26:22,950 --> 00:26:26,895
Lots of babies are born with ginger hair.
Most lose it in the first year.
508
00:26:26,941 --> 00:26:29,426
- I did not know that. Hm!
- Mmm-hmm.
509
00:26:29,462 --> 00:26:32,134
Nice big smile. Very nice.
510
00:26:32,170 --> 00:26:33,234
So what do you do?
511
00:26:34,532 --> 00:26:36,426
I'm the mother
of the real baby.
512
00:26:36,619 --> 00:26:37,594
You?
513
00:26:37,893 --> 00:26:38,962
Uh...
514
00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:42,166
I suppose I'm the mother
of the fake baby.
515
00:26:42,781 --> 00:26:43,815
Hmm.
516
00:26:54,763 --> 00:26:56,098
All set with Allie?
517
00:26:57,152 --> 00:26:57,992
May I?
518
00:26:58,085 --> 00:26:59,119
Yeah.
519
00:27:09,229 --> 00:27:11,659
So, how's Sam?
520
00:27:12,835 --> 00:27:13,736
He's great.
521
00:27:15,797 --> 00:27:17,376
We must
stop meeting like this.
522
00:27:18,697 --> 00:27:19,630
House Tricks.
523
00:27:20,463 --> 00:27:22,210
House tricks. Tricks are good.
524
00:27:23,873 --> 00:27:25,641
Maybe we should
get a drink later.
525
00:27:25,742 --> 00:27:26,429
Old times sake.
526
00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:27,752
I don't think so.
527
00:27:27,936 --> 00:27:29,835
What was it you
always used to say?
528
00:27:30,053 --> 00:27:31,369
Girls don't count.
529
00:27:31,502 --> 00:27:32,280
Reese...
530
00:27:32,316 --> 00:27:35,383
Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're
no fun anymore. Of all people...
531
00:27:35,419 --> 00:27:38,953
The reason I don't want to fuck you is not
'cause I'm no fun, it's 'cause you're a clown.
532
00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:41,397
Now please take
your hand off my ass.
533
00:27:41,467 --> 00:27:42,756
There's my girl.
534
00:27:42,797 --> 00:27:45,295
Christ, I cannot wait
to get shmammered tonight.
535
00:27:45,684 --> 00:27:46,342
Reese...
536
00:27:46,378 --> 00:27:47,319
Eve. How are ya?
537
00:27:47,355 --> 00:27:49,914
Oh, you know.
Kicking ass, taking names. You?
538
00:27:49,995 --> 00:27:51,063
Great.
539
00:27:52,111 --> 00:27:53,011
Nice to see you.
540
00:27:56,892 --> 00:27:57,522
What?
541
00:27:57,558 --> 00:27:59,569
Nothing. A bit awkward.
542
00:27:59,605 --> 00:28:01,993
Mmm...
It's fine. Ancient history.
543
00:28:02,029 --> 00:28:04,315
I hate bumping
into post shags.
544
00:28:04,352 --> 00:28:06,801
I once went to a dinner party,
and got stuck opposite a guy
545
00:28:06,837 --> 00:28:09,516
I'd spent an hour
tromboning the weekend before.
546
00:28:09,552 --> 00:28:11,723
Kept getting
combat flashbacks.
547
00:28:11,996 --> 00:28:12,835
May I ponce?
548
00:28:12,871 --> 00:28:14,023
Mmm, feel free.
549
00:28:16,596 --> 00:28:19,343
Oh, my God.
550
00:28:19,379 --> 00:28:20,647
Oh, no, no, no. It's not...
551
00:28:20,743 --> 00:28:22,544
Shut the front door,
that's amazing.
552
00:28:23,584 --> 00:28:24,195
Really?
553
00:28:24,231 --> 00:28:27,937
Christ, yes.
It's terrifying, mental, but amazing.
554
00:28:28,094 --> 00:28:30,288
It's times like this I wish
my tear ducts worked.
555
00:28:31,953 --> 00:28:34,691
This is not the
response I expected.
556
00:28:34,727 --> 00:28:38,361
Why not? It would be a travesty
not to continue your gene pool.
557
00:28:38,419 --> 00:28:40,885
I love a mini you
hanging around.
558
00:28:40,936 --> 00:28:44,002
We can dress it in freebies and
use it to get good parking spaces.
559
00:28:44,124 --> 00:28:45,591
Just make sure
it's not a boy.
560
00:28:45,735 --> 00:28:48,533
Don't get too excited.
It may not even be a possibility.
561
00:28:48,603 --> 00:28:50,977
I've not exactly looked after
myself all these years.
562
00:28:51,433 --> 00:28:53,062
Look, babe.
563
00:28:53,108 --> 00:28:57,269
Sam's amazing. He's like a grown-up,
but a grown-up you want to hang out with.
564
00:28:57,314 --> 00:28:58,888
Just promise me
you won't leave me.
565
00:28:58,924 --> 00:29:01,213
Buy a Land Rover and move
to some god-forsaken Hamlet,
566
00:29:01,249 --> 00:29:03,851
wearing nothing but wellies and
clothes with human waste on them.
567
00:29:03,887 --> 00:29:06,167
If it happens, and
that is a great big if.
568
00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:09,545
I will be back here within a week
with that thing hanging off my tit.
569
00:29:09,940 --> 00:29:10,940
Promise?
570
00:29:11,557 --> 00:29:12,790
Promise.
571
00:29:13,393 --> 00:29:15,596
I don't want to touch it much,
so don't be offended.
572
00:29:21,271 --> 00:29:21,905
Hi.
573
00:29:21,941 --> 00:29:23,572
Hey.
574
00:29:23,677 --> 00:29:25,181
- You still up for tonight?
- Yeah, of course.
575
00:29:25,217 --> 00:29:28,200
Amazing. I thought we could go to this
place my mate was telling me about.
576
00:29:28,236 --> 00:29:29,150
They only do hotdogs,
577
00:29:29,186 --> 00:29:31,718
and then for pudding you have a hotdog
as well, but it's made of ice cream.
578
00:29:31,754 --> 00:29:32,806
- That sounds brilliant.
- I know.
579
00:29:32,842 --> 00:29:35,403
And apparently,
instead of ketchup you get this sauce...
580
00:29:36,959 --> 00:29:39,488
Melody, will you trace out that
copy for the okay announcement?
581
00:29:39,524 --> 00:29:40,949
Yeah, of course.
I'll do that right away.
582
00:29:42,004 --> 00:29:44,022
Why are you being weird?
Have you farted?
583
00:29:45,255 --> 00:29:47,402
Yep. Sorry.
584
00:29:53,401 --> 00:29:57,330
Sorry. Um...
You were saying about ketchup?
585
00:29:58,246 --> 00:30:00,327
Oh, uh.
It's strawberry sauce.
586
00:30:00,363 --> 00:30:02,493
That sounds excellent.
587
00:30:02,584 --> 00:30:05,553
Okay. You can text me the
address and I'll meet you there?
588
00:30:06,325 --> 00:30:07,253
Okay, bye.
589
00:30:35,169 --> 00:30:36,645
This better be worth it.
590
00:30:36,681 --> 00:30:39,419
This is not the sort of underwear you
wear if nobody is going to see it.
591
00:30:39,517 --> 00:30:42,449
If it doesn't work out, I'll just have to
flash the mini-cab driver on my way home.
592
00:30:51,138 --> 00:30:55,174
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I keep forgetting
about the whole... Just to calm the nerves.
593
00:30:55,210 --> 00:30:56,130
It's fine.
594
00:30:56,166 --> 00:30:59,357
Oi, oi!
Here we are! Hi!
595
00:30:59,393 --> 00:31:01,357
Hi, beautiful. Happy birthday!
596
00:31:01,452 --> 00:31:02,408
You remember Eve?
597
00:31:02,444 --> 00:31:05,617
I do! Oh, my God,
you look stunning.
598
00:31:05,653 --> 00:31:09,237
God, if I wore that, I would look like a
baby in a bib-bag, but you look fantastic.
599
00:31:09,316 --> 00:31:11,516
Actually I was going
for sushi roll.
600
00:31:12,981 --> 00:31:13,782
Hey.
601
00:31:16,519 --> 00:31:20,161
Oh, my God.
It's gorgeous!
602
00:31:20,218 --> 00:31:22,816
I saw you eyeing up that woman's when
we were at lunch a couple weeks ago.
603
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:25,150
And I thought the color would go
great with that new coat you bought.
604
00:31:25,186 --> 00:31:28,700
Oh, it's perfect.
It's a freebie, yeah?
605
00:31:30,677 --> 00:31:32,700
No, it's fine! Honestly.
606
00:31:32,736 --> 00:31:36,525
I'd have beaten the crap out of you if
you'd spent that much money on a handbag.
607
00:31:36,605 --> 00:31:39,539
All right. Jager bombs.
Come on. Who's with me?
608
00:31:53,551 --> 00:31:54,885
- Hi.
- Hey.
609
00:31:56,808 --> 00:31:59,619
Nice to see you outside of
a church function, I mean...
610
00:31:59,655 --> 00:32:00,486
You look great.
611
00:32:00,522 --> 00:32:02,279
Aww. This old thing?
612
00:32:02,315 --> 00:32:04,860
Uh, can I get
a coke, please?
613
00:32:04,896 --> 00:32:09,476
Wow. This is not exactly how my
sponsorships usually pan out.
614
00:32:09,563 --> 00:32:10,736
More fun, though, right?
615
00:32:10,772 --> 00:32:15,158
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Um, I've never been on a blind date before.
616
00:32:15,335 --> 00:32:16,340
How did you know I was single?
617
00:32:16,402 --> 00:32:19,689
Or was I just rocking the whole
sad, desperate, heartbroken vibe?
618
00:32:19,725 --> 00:32:20,727
No. No, not at all.
619
00:32:20,763 --> 00:32:22,560
Well, that's a relief.
620
00:32:22,596 --> 00:32:24,173
I'm sorry to hear
you had your heart broken.
621
00:32:24,209 --> 00:32:27,096
Oh, it will fix right.
That's what I'm assured.
622
00:32:27,132 --> 00:32:28,100
Recent?
623
00:32:28,231 --> 00:32:31,455
Fairly. A bit messy, so I'm,
you know, in chaos.
624
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,589
I think I'm familiar with
that place. How did...
625
00:32:33,625 --> 00:32:36,568
She screwed someone else.
Yeah, so that was good.
626
00:32:37,664 --> 00:32:40,119
Hey. Leave her alone.
She's mine.
627
00:32:40,155 --> 00:32:42,217
Oh, this is...
This is Ruth.
628
00:32:42,253 --> 00:32:46,519
Ruth! Wow. It's...
Robyn said you were a very sexy lady.
629
00:32:46,687 --> 00:32:47,434
Did she now?
630
00:32:47,470 --> 00:32:50,728
No, this is my sister.
That was Eve I was talking about.
631
00:32:51,888 --> 00:32:57,068
Brilliant. Cheers. Eve's taking a
piss, but it's nice to meet you anyway.
632
00:32:57,104 --> 00:32:58,156
It's my birthday.
633
00:32:58,192 --> 00:33:00,158
Oh! Happy birthday.
634
00:33:00,194 --> 00:33:01,141
Mm.
635
00:33:02,765 --> 00:33:05,564
I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were
coming. I didn't get you any jager bombs.
636
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:08,037
Hey, you know what? That is...
That is quite all right.
637
00:33:08,073 --> 00:33:12,370
But listen, why don't I get the next round.
What do you want, the same again? Okay.
638
00:33:13,099 --> 00:33:13,939
He seems nice.
639
00:33:14,021 --> 00:33:14,681
He's here for Eve.
640
00:33:14,717 --> 00:33:17,391
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
I just did some coke!
641
00:33:17,427 --> 00:33:18,050
- What?
- Yeah.
642
00:33:18,086 --> 00:33:20,623
Eve has some in her little thing.
Those are good, aren't they?
643
00:33:20,736 --> 00:33:21,495
Jesus, Ruth.
644
00:33:21,557 --> 00:33:22,668
Oh, don't be
all holier-than-thou
645
00:33:22,731 --> 00:33:24,963
just because you are off of it
for the millionth time.
646
00:33:24,999 --> 00:33:26,837
It's my birthday.
647
00:33:27,624 --> 00:33:28,957
It's your birthday.
648
00:33:30,878 --> 00:33:31,714
Don't tell Tom.
649
00:33:31,750 --> 00:33:33,177
Right. Whose round?
650
00:33:33,213 --> 00:33:34,445
Tom's getting us some drinks.
651
00:33:34,481 --> 00:33:36,581
Oh he's here, is he?
Is he a freak?
652
00:33:36,617 --> 00:33:37,448
He seems really nice.
653
00:33:37,484 --> 00:33:39,489
He is really nice,
and you guys need to calm the fuck down
654
00:33:39,556 --> 00:33:40,919
and stop acting like
the witches of Eastwood
655
00:33:40,978 --> 00:33:42,254
or he's going to think
we're all a bunch of crazies.
656
00:33:42,290 --> 00:33:43,551
Hey!
What do you care?
657
00:33:43,587 --> 00:33:48,297
Okay, so in the spirit of mixing
drinks, I thought I'd get you tequilas.
658
00:33:49,735 --> 00:33:50,823
Tom, this is Eve.
659
00:33:50,859 --> 00:33:52,337
Oh, Eve. Uh...
660
00:33:52,373 --> 00:33:54,943
I don't actually drink tequila.
Do you mind getting me something else?
661
00:33:54,979 --> 00:33:58,440
Yeah, no. Uh, yeah,
what, uh... Jager bomb?
662
00:33:58,476 --> 00:34:00,742
Jager bomb it is.
I'll get that.
663
00:34:00,808 --> 00:34:02,157
Since when do you
not like tequila?
664
00:34:02,226 --> 00:34:03,644
I'm negging him.
665
00:34:03,705 --> 00:34:04,986
All part of the strat.
666
00:34:05,937 --> 00:34:07,205
This is fun.
667
00:34:09,571 --> 00:34:10,891
Well,
this place is wicked!
668
00:34:10,927 --> 00:34:11,971
Yeah.
669
00:34:12,053 --> 00:34:13,889
I heard some of the girls
talking about it at work.
670
00:34:13,956 --> 00:34:18,791
And apparently, they serve a cocktail here
that's, like, got an actual goldfish in it.
671
00:34:18,867 --> 00:34:20,163
- Sick.
- Yeah.
672
00:34:23,262 --> 00:34:26,126
I'm having
such a fun night.
673
00:34:26,162 --> 00:34:27,276
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm
674
00:34:27,312 --> 00:34:30,040
Oh, God. I was so nervous
when I asked you out.
675
00:34:30,130 --> 00:34:32,887
I've never really been out with one of the office
girls before. They don't really talk to me.
676
00:34:32,923 --> 00:34:35,874
Just give me dirty looks when I'm
replacing their printer paper.
677
00:34:35,910 --> 00:34:37,393
- Oh, my God.
- What?
678
00:34:37,464 --> 00:34:41,935
Sorry, I've just, like...
I've just bitten my tongue.
679
00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:44,675
Sorry...
680
00:34:45,697 --> 00:34:46,831
Carry on.
681
00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:49,530
So you guys met
at the drugs thing?
682
00:34:49,566 --> 00:34:51,297
- Eve.
- Oh sorry, sorry. Is that supposed to be a secret?
683
00:34:51,333 --> 00:34:53,744
No, the name "narcotics
anonymous" is just ironic.
684
00:34:53,780 --> 00:34:55,553
Why don't we talk
about something else?
685
00:34:55,589 --> 00:34:57,255
Tom, what's your story?
686
00:34:57,950 --> 00:34:59,321
My story?
687
00:34:59,357 --> 00:35:01,523
Banker, lost loads of money,
couldn't hack it?
688
00:35:01,559 --> 00:35:05,659
Not quite. I was a dancer at the English
National Ballet for eleven years.
689
00:35:05,762 --> 00:35:10,015
I started taking the coke to keep
my energy up. Keep the weight off.
690
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:13,790
Then I busted my ankle. Couldn't
dance anymore, so left the company,
691
00:35:13,855 --> 00:35:17,813
but I didn't leave the coke.
And it got to the stage where I realized,
692
00:35:17,911 --> 00:35:21,836
I needed to stop doing it,
'cause it turned me into a massive dick.
693
00:35:21,927 --> 00:35:25,661
So you're a ballet dancer.
That's hilarious.
694
00:35:25,697 --> 00:35:29,872
I knew you had a bit of gay in you.
Speaking of which, I'm going for a fag.
695
00:35:29,908 --> 00:35:30,627
Anyone else?
696
00:35:30,710 --> 00:35:32,171
No thanks, I'm good.
697
00:35:36,052 --> 00:35:39,466
You see, you're not what
I imagined a PR girl to be.
698
00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,901
She's exactly what
I imagined a PR girl to be.
699
00:35:41,978 --> 00:35:44,085
She's all right underneath.
She's just nervous.
700
00:35:44,901 --> 00:35:49,104
Oi, you! I want tequila.
701
00:35:50,558 --> 00:35:51,862
It makes me happy.
702
00:35:54,158 --> 00:35:57,558
The thing is I get so nervous, and all this
crazy stuff comes out, 'cause I'm freaking out
703
00:35:57,594 --> 00:36:00,262
and my mouth just starts,
you know, chat, chat, chatting.
704
00:36:00,618 --> 00:36:02,051
Oh, my God.
705
00:36:02,087 --> 00:36:03,645
What?
Bite your tongue again?
706
00:36:13,305 --> 00:36:14,406
Wow.
707
00:36:14,852 --> 00:36:16,152
I'm sorry.
708
00:36:25,855 --> 00:36:30,321
Um... Would you like
to go somewhere else?
709
00:36:31,106 --> 00:36:32,206
Sounds great.
710
00:36:32,344 --> 00:36:33,143
Great.
711
00:36:36,252 --> 00:36:39,778
This is Kelly. She's so clever.
712
00:36:39,825 --> 00:36:40,748
She's awesome.
713
00:36:40,784 --> 00:36:41,902
- Hey.
- It's me.
714
00:36:41,938 --> 00:36:43,682
Have you seen
The Guardian online?
715
00:36:50,201 --> 00:36:52,752
Congratulations.
You just reversed back up a cliff.
716
00:36:52,828 --> 00:36:54,649
Yeah, it's a bit like
when I had that colonoscopy.
717
00:36:54,685 --> 00:36:55,919
I know I should have
thanked the doctor,
718
00:36:55,955 --> 00:36:57,751
but all I wanted to do
was punch him in the face.
719
00:36:57,787 --> 00:36:59,174
You're welcome, Dan.
720
00:36:59,276 --> 00:37:00,813
"Middle-aged comedian."
721
00:37:00,883 --> 00:37:03,692
172,000 words
in the English language,
722
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,031
and that's my adjective?
Is that...
723
00:37:05,067 --> 00:37:06,144
We'll speak soon.
724
00:37:08,599 --> 00:37:11,443
No, no, no!
725
00:37:11,517 --> 00:37:13,865
Hey! No work tonight,
please.
726
00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:18,587
Okay, so if I told you I had some
coke in my bag, could I tempt you?
727
00:37:18,623 --> 00:37:21,086
Boy, yeah, you could
certainly tempt me.
728
00:37:21,122 --> 00:37:24,521
I think that would be a strange thing
to do to a recovering drug addict.
729
00:37:24,557 --> 00:37:25,711
Drug addict?
730
00:37:25,747 --> 00:37:26,747
Sounds exciting.
731
00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:28,321
Really?
732
00:37:31,066 --> 00:37:33,265
What are you doing?
733
00:37:33,301 --> 00:37:34,561
Uh, what do you mean?
734
00:37:34,597 --> 00:37:35,307
I don't know.
735
00:37:35,362 --> 00:37:37,872
I can't figure out if you're
trying to be cool or sexy,
736
00:37:37,908 --> 00:37:40,598
or if you're just
a massive tit.
737
00:37:41,806 --> 00:37:42,894
I mean, look at you,
738
00:37:42,930 --> 00:37:45,815
you're wearing stockings.
This isn't Mad Men.
739
00:37:45,865 --> 00:37:47,686
It's a Wednesday night.
740
00:37:47,752 --> 00:37:50,330
Your underwear probably costs more
than a mini break to Budapest.
741
00:37:50,366 --> 00:37:54,462
Don't get me wrong. You look hot,
but Budapest is a beautiful city.
742
00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:57,908
And as for this,
do you really think I care?
743
00:37:58,022 --> 00:38:01,575
I stopped being impressed by
people taking drugs when I was 14.
744
00:38:01,619 --> 00:38:05,063
A drunken goatman got so high,
he started seeing ghosts in a kebab shop.
745
00:38:05,099 --> 00:38:08,068
Shat his Fred Perry jeans.
Yes, okay?
746
00:38:08,104 --> 00:38:10,402
I did a lot of cocaine.
No, I don't do it anymore.
747
00:38:10,438 --> 00:38:11,958
Now, can we please move on
748
00:38:11,994 --> 00:38:15,033
before I take one of your
stupidly high-heeled shoes
749
00:38:15,069 --> 00:38:17,269
and stab myself
in the eye
750
00:38:17,380 --> 00:38:19,515
just to stop your banter?
751
00:38:22,471 --> 00:38:24,100
I'm sorry.
That was a little bit...
752
00:38:24,136 --> 00:38:25,803
- I'll, uh, go.
- You have to come with me.
753
00:38:25,852 --> 00:38:27,117
- What?
- Mmm.
754
00:38:27,168 --> 00:38:28,897
Me. Come with me. Now.
755
00:38:29,034 --> 00:38:31,002
- Just get in there.
- Right. We're in here.
756
00:38:31,671 --> 00:38:32,611
What are you doing?
757
00:38:36,649 --> 00:38:37,832
Okay, now...
758
00:38:42,703 --> 00:38:44,370
Ouch. Ouch.
759
00:38:45,874 --> 00:38:47,154
I want you to fuck me.
760
00:38:47,190 --> 00:38:48,291
Okay.
761
00:38:49,882 --> 00:38:50,983
Don't you want this?
762
00:38:51,795 --> 00:38:52,663
And this...
763
00:38:53,299 --> 00:38:54,467
And this...
764
00:38:55,277 --> 00:38:57,134
Yeah. Um...
765
00:38:57,170 --> 00:38:59,501
Why are you acting like you're
in a chocolate mousse advert?
766
00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:02,271
I want you
to destroy me.
767
00:39:02,368 --> 00:39:04,506
Okay. I mean,
that sounds great though.
768
00:39:04,578 --> 00:39:06,173
- We're in a disabled toilet.
- I know.
769
00:39:06,209 --> 00:39:09,185
Look, there's a bar on the wall for
people getting in and out of wheelchairs.
770
00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:10,755
- Wheelchairs.
- It's one of those pulley things
771
00:39:10,817 --> 00:39:12,537
- for if you have an accident.
- Uh-huh.
772
00:39:12,573 --> 00:39:15,094
Why don't you come back
to my nice, comfy flat.
773
00:39:15,178 --> 00:39:16,909
- We'll stick some music on.
- Stick on.
774
00:39:16,945 --> 00:39:19,311
And then we can think about
destroying each other.
775
00:39:20,628 --> 00:39:22,316
- Okay?
- Okay.
776
00:39:22,352 --> 00:39:23,386
All right.
777
00:39:26,728 --> 00:39:30,113
Oh, my God. I wish I could
do this every fucking day!
778
00:39:30,203 --> 00:39:31,903
Believe me, you don't.
779
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:33,929
Yes, I fucking do!
780
00:39:38,907 --> 00:39:40,242
Oh,
for fuck's sake.
781
00:39:41,289 --> 00:39:41,985
Hey.
782
00:39:42,021 --> 00:39:45,311
Sorry.
I'm just really fucking drunk.
783
00:39:45,722 --> 00:39:46,657
Shh.
784
00:39:47,728 --> 00:39:49,125
I need another drink.
785
00:39:49,161 --> 00:39:50,472
All right.
I'll get you one.
786
00:40:11,457 --> 00:40:13,476
Hey! Hey!
787
00:40:13,512 --> 00:40:16,285
Get off her. She's got two kids at
home, you sleaze!
788
00:40:18,492 --> 00:40:19,526
Whoa!
789
00:40:20,203 --> 00:40:21,466
All right, all right.
790
00:40:21,536 --> 00:40:22,470
Come on.
791
00:40:39,289 --> 00:40:40,390
Come on.
792
00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:50,328
I want popcorn.
793
00:40:50,464 --> 00:40:51,398
All right.
794
00:40:52,085 --> 00:40:53,699
All right.
Come on.
795
00:40:55,121 --> 00:40:56,884
Okay, just...
796
00:40:57,827 --> 00:40:59,061
Hold on.
797
00:40:59,276 --> 00:41:00,632
Yep. Come on.
798
00:41:00,668 --> 00:41:02,639
Feet, up.
799
00:41:05,725 --> 00:41:07,005
The hell is going on?
800
00:41:07,078 --> 00:41:08,412
She's feeling a little rough.
801
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,537
I can speak
for myself!
802
00:41:11,939 --> 00:41:13,247
I'm feeling
a little rough.
803
00:41:13,283 --> 00:41:14,787
Jesus, Ruth,
what's wrong with you?
804
00:41:14,823 --> 00:41:16,430
Oh, F-off!
805
00:41:16,466 --> 00:41:17,727
Oh, that's nice.
That's really nice.
806
00:41:17,763 --> 00:41:20,264
I am here every day.
I'm looking after them...
807
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:21,677
Mummy?
808
00:41:22,057 --> 00:41:24,892
Oh, hey, baby. Hey.
Did Mo...
809
00:41:27,566 --> 00:41:28,714
Is Mummy sick?
810
00:41:28,750 --> 00:41:30,395
Mommy is just feeling
a little poorly, sweetheart.
811
00:41:30,431 --> 00:41:32,029
Come on,
let's get you back to bed.
812
00:41:32,065 --> 00:41:32,892
I want Mommy.
813
00:41:32,928 --> 00:41:34,957
Yeah, well,
she's making silly noises.
814
00:41:36,358 --> 00:41:37,693
I want Mummy.
815
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,522
I'm twenty-fucking-nine.
816
00:42:22,608 --> 00:42:27,608
Subtitles by explosiveskull