1 00:00:14,596 --> 00:00:18,303 Misery on steroids. How many points are you winning by? 2 00:00:18,336 --> 00:00:19,807 -Not many. -How many "not many"? 3 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,577 -203. -What? 4 00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:26,587 [whirring] 5 00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:29,827 Grab a drink, will you? Come and hang out for a bit. 6 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:31,831 -There's only beers in here. -Well, have a beer, then. 7 00:00:31,864 --> 00:00:33,701 -You're nearly 15. -I'm 13. 8 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,705 -I know. -Hiya, Dad. 9 00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:38,443 -[muffled] Oh, my God! -Good day? 10 00:00:41,182 --> 00:00:43,153 Sorry. Ally. Gabby. Gabby, Ally. 11 00:00:43,186 --> 00:00:45,224 -New face. Hello. I'm Darren. -[chuckles] 12 00:00:45,257 --> 00:00:47,696 -Gabby. -Great name. Well done. 13 00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:49,165 How's the shyness going, Darren? 14 00:00:49,198 --> 00:00:51,403 -Gabby seemed nice. -She is nice, yes. 15 00:00:51,436 --> 00:00:52,706 This Gabby thing is just a symptom 16 00:00:52,739 --> 00:00:55,812 of you not fully wanting to be at home. 17 00:00:55,845 --> 00:00:57,815 Well, what's the fucking point of us being together, then? 18 00:01:15,852 --> 00:01:18,256 Oh. Merry Christmas. 19 00:01:18,289 --> 00:01:19,759 Hi, Carl. Merry Christmas. [chuckles] 20 00:01:20,427 --> 00:01:23,166 Time. [chuckles] Goes past, doesn't it? 21 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:25,671 It does. Yeah. 22 00:01:27,207 --> 00:01:28,678 The... wreath fell down. 23 00:01:28,711 --> 00:01:30,313 Oh, right. 24 00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:33,386 Yes. 25 00:01:34,723 --> 00:01:36,125 [whispers] Oh, yeah. 26 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,268 [door squeaks] 27 00:01:42,237 --> 00:01:43,540 [exhales deeply] 28 00:01:45,778 --> 00:01:47,782 -[exhales] -[locks door] 29 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:53,159 [indistinct conversations] 30 00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:57,401 -Here you go. -Thanks. 31 00:01:58,738 --> 00:02:01,209 Uh, sorry. They only had the shit tonic. 32 00:02:01,242 --> 00:02:02,646 That's all right. I can't tell the difference anyway. 33 00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:04,550 -Me neither, if I'm honest. -Mm. 34 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:05,685 [cellphone chimes] 35 00:02:07,321 --> 00:02:08,891 Luke's at Jacob's for dinner tonight, 36 00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:10,294 and Ava's staying at Grace's again. 37 00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:13,366 Oh, cool. She seems to be coping pretty well. 38 00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,471 -Ava? -Hmm. 39 00:02:15,505 --> 00:02:18,644 You don't... honestly think that she's over it, do you? 40 00:02:18,677 --> 00:02:20,949 No. No, I don't, 'cause I didn't say that. I said... 41 00:02:20,982 --> 00:02:23,353 I said she's coping better than we thought she was. 42 00:02:23,386 --> 00:02:26,927 You don't find your granddad seemingly dead from an overdose 43 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,631 and then what, like, 10 days later, 44 00:02:28,664 --> 00:02:31,268 just bounce along with your life again like fucking Tigger? 45 00:02:36,345 --> 00:02:38,483 -So, you think we should wait? -Yeah, I think... 46 00:02:38,818 --> 00:02:41,991 ...if we're gonna split up, like properly split up, 47 00:02:42,024 --> 00:02:44,495 then it would be too much for Ava right now. 48 00:02:44,529 --> 00:02:46,734 So, let's just get through 49 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,336 the next couple of months and see where we are. 50 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,508 -So, wait till new year? -Yeah, may... maybe. 51 00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:51,844 I... I don't know. 52 00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:54,248 I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't split up at all, Paul. 53 00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:56,654 Fuck it. I really don't know. This is down to you, not me. 54 00:02:56,687 --> 00:02:57,789 -Well, it's all down to me? -Yeah. 55 00:02:57,822 --> 00:02:59,492 'Cause I had lunch with someone? 56 00:02:59,526 --> 00:03:00,795 Fuck off. I'm not gonna get into this shit again. Not-- 57 00:03:00,828 --> 00:03:03,767 [conversations fade down] 58 00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:12,552 [conversations resume indistinctly] 59 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:18,798 I... I suppose I could look for a room now. 60 00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,334 Uh, might take a while to find something. 61 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,539 A room. 62 00:03:22,572 --> 00:03:24,977 Well, obviously, I can't afford a flat, can I? 63 00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:26,981 Christ, even a box room in a shared house near us 64 00:03:27,014 --> 00:03:28,784 is gonna cost a fucking fortune. 65 00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:31,957 Oh. Well, look, uh... it... 66 00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:34,730 it doesn't necessarily have to be you who moves out. 67 00:03:34,763 --> 00:03:36,265 Doesn't it? I think it does. 68 00:03:41,008 --> 00:03:42,244 [chuckles] 69 00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:53,935 -Who's cooking tonight? -Well, if the kids are out, 70 00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:55,538 then I'll... I'll probably have soup or something. 71 00:03:55,571 --> 00:03:57,508 Great. So, I was going to use up those sausages. 72 00:03:58,176 --> 00:04:01,415 -Yeah, fair enough. Brilliant. -Cool. 73 00:04:07,795 --> 00:04:11,837 [orchestral holiday song playing on car stereo] 74 00:04:11,870 --> 00:04:13,574 Oh, I love this one. 75 00:04:13,607 --> 00:04:15,745 Puts you right in the Christmas mood, don't it? 76 00:04:15,778 --> 00:04:17,481 It certainly does. 77 00:04:17,515 --> 00:04:18,885 [music continues] 78 00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:20,955 Could you turn it down? 79 00:04:20,988 --> 00:04:23,961 -[music continues] -Sorry. 80 00:04:29,806 --> 00:04:30,741 Great. 81 00:04:33,112 --> 00:04:34,448 -I'm just gonna... -Yep. 82 00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:40,661 [chuckles] 83 00:04:47,942 --> 00:04:49,444 Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas. 84 00:04:49,879 --> 00:04:51,617 You know my position. 85 00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:54,088 I do, but I refuse to let you spend Christmas on your own. 86 00:04:54,121 --> 00:04:56,594 -I really don't mind. -Well, I do, 87 00:04:56,627 --> 00:04:59,498 and anyway, even Scrooge ended up enjoying Christmas. 88 00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,069 Only because he was relentlessly bullied 89 00:05:01,102 --> 00:05:03,574 by three ghosts with a socialist agenda. 90 00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,812 -Anyway, I'm here, aren't I? -Yay. 91 00:05:05,845 --> 00:05:09,485 Happy Christmas. Ho-ho-ho and all that cock and balls. 92 00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:12,726 -Oh. Happy Christmas, Leah. -Happy Christmas. 93 00:05:12,759 --> 00:05:15,698 Don't worry. He hasn't brought any mistletoe. 94 00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,704 -Here you go, Mum. -Thank you. 95 00:05:18,737 --> 00:05:20,842 You don't like Christmas, do you, Leah? 96 00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:23,848 I remember us all being at the kids' carol service once. 97 00:05:23,881 --> 00:05:25,150 You were watching Homes Under the Hammer 98 00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:26,787 on your iPad. 99 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:29,158 I reluctantly go along with it, Jim, 100 00:05:29,191 --> 00:05:31,997 like those Jersey residents who were essentially good people 101 00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:34,001 but collaborated with the Nazis. 102 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,005 Where are your lovely children, Ally? 103 00:05:36,038 --> 00:05:37,509 Still asleep. 104 00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:40,113 Oh, it's funny how they change, isn't it? 105 00:05:40,146 --> 00:05:41,750 When they're tiny, they're awake 106 00:05:41,783 --> 00:05:44,455 at the crack of dawn on Christmas Day. 107 00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:47,529 Paul used to be awake at 4 in the morning some years. 108 00:05:47,562 --> 00:05:51,636 -Did he? I never knew. -No, you never. 109 00:05:53,139 --> 00:05:55,109 -I'll get some snacks going. -Mm. 110 00:05:57,214 --> 00:06:00,822 When we're next in the car, you can show us how... 111 00:06:00,855 --> 00:06:02,091 [conversation continues indistinctly] 112 00:06:02,124 --> 00:06:04,161 [conversation continues indistinctly] 113 00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,504 -Happy Christmas, mate. -Yeah. Happy Christmas. 114 00:06:08,537 --> 00:06:11,109 Um... got any whisky? 115 00:06:11,142 --> 00:06:13,781 Only the own-brand stuff. Nothing fancy. 116 00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:15,618 -What is it? -Uh, Glen- something or other? 117 00:06:15,651 --> 00:06:17,187 -No. Uh, what proof is it? -[bottle clanks] 118 00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:19,759 -[inhales deeply] 43. -Sold. 119 00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:23,801 Just the one bottle? 120 00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,972 Uh... Let's say two. It's Christmas. 121 00:06:26,005 --> 00:06:27,441 [bottles clank] 122 00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,644 Cheers. 123 00:06:28,677 --> 00:06:31,082 -Snacks. -Oh, brilliant. 124 00:06:31,115 --> 00:06:34,121 I love food and booze in the mornin'. [chuckles] 125 00:06:34,154 --> 00:06:35,457 -[crunches] -[chuckles] 126 00:06:35,490 --> 00:06:37,160 Well done, Jesus, getting born. Nice work. 127 00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:41,035 We were just talking about lovely Maya. 128 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,872 She's coming over today, isn't she? 129 00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:44,041 Yes, she's joining us for dinner. 130 00:06:44,074 --> 00:06:46,212 Luke sounds very serious about her. 131 00:06:46,245 --> 00:06:48,517 Well, they've been together for 10 months. 132 00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:49,820 I was just telling Jim and Jackie, 133 00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:51,122 Luke couldn't talk about anything else 134 00:06:51,155 --> 00:06:52,726 when he came to see me. 135 00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:56,132 Oh, very sweet. Young love. 136 00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:59,505 -You will miss him now, Ally. -What do you mean, miss him? 137 00:07:00,775 --> 00:07:03,714 Oh, I didn't just say that. 138 00:07:03,747 --> 00:07:06,019 Um... What... What, are those crisps prawn? 139 00:07:06,052 --> 00:07:07,521 Sorry. What's happening with Luke? 140 00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:13,033 I'm so sorry, Ally. I've let the cat out the bag. 141 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,638 And set the fucker amongst the pigeons. 142 00:07:15,671 --> 00:07:18,744 Luke told me he's going to move in with Maya and her family. 143 00:07:18,777 --> 00:07:21,015 No, he's fucking not. Since when? 144 00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:22,752 He said he was going to make the announcement today 145 00:07:22,785 --> 00:07:25,190 -at the dinner table. -Well, no, sorry, that's not... 146 00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:26,727 that's not happening. I won't... 147 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,833 I won't let him move out. He's... He's a child. 148 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:33,273 -He is 18. -He's an 18-year-old child. 149 00:07:33,306 --> 00:07:35,978 He's not... He's not moving anywhere, 150 00:07:36,011 --> 00:07:37,982 and I'm... I'm not ready to let him go, no. 151 00:07:38,015 --> 00:07:40,822 -Not yet. No. Fucking hell. -Oh. 152 00:07:40,855 --> 00:07:43,994 Maybe he'll change his mind, Ally, or they'll split up. 153 00:07:44,027 --> 00:07:45,698 No, I d-- I don't... I don't... 154 00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:47,601 I don't want that. He loves Maya. 155 00:07:50,173 --> 00:07:52,612 Talking of lost loves... 156 00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,649 No, Alex and I have not been in touch 157 00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:57,689 just because it's Christmas. Divorce is divorce. 158 00:07:57,722 --> 00:08:01,697 We haven't remained friends like idiots pretend to. 159 00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:03,299 I'm much happier on my own. 160 00:08:03,332 --> 00:08:05,103 Other people just get in the way, don't they? 161 00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:12,852 Lovely tree, that. 'Cause you... 162 00:08:12,885 --> 00:08:15,123 you used to have that silver plastic one, didn't you? 163 00:08:15,156 --> 00:08:16,994 Up until a few years ago, yeah. 164 00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:18,295 I thought so. 165 00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,135 Ah. 166 00:08:21,804 --> 00:08:23,841 Who... Who made this? Is this Luke? 167 00:08:23,874 --> 00:08:25,711 Let me see. Oh, yeah. 168 00:08:25,744 --> 00:08:27,281 He did that at his first nursery. 169 00:08:27,314 --> 00:08:31,055 Oh, the one run by those mad creationist ladies. 170 00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:32,992 Yeah. They were lovely, though, I thought. Not mad. 171 00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:34,896 No. Okay. 172 00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:39,038 Well, kids seemed to enjoy Christmas. 173 00:08:39,071 --> 00:08:40,708 Yeah. Got through it, didn't we? 174 00:08:40,741 --> 00:08:43,914 Yeah, and Ava does actually seem to be doing all right. 175 00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:47,755 Yeah. Settled in at the new school, still mates with Grace. 176 00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:51,295 Talked it all out with my dad. She's, uh, she's good. 177 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:58,042 [sighs] Right. Fairy lights off? Means we're killing Christmas. 178 00:08:59,111 --> 00:09:00,781 Well, kill it. 179 00:09:04,956 --> 00:09:05,891 [click] 180 00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:08,597 [clatter] 181 00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:14,074 So, we're done? 182 00:09:14,809 --> 00:09:16,846 Feels like we're done, doesn't it? 183 00:09:19,919 --> 00:09:22,323 -I was gonna order a takeaway. -Great. 184 00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:33,780 [choir singing holiday carol on stereo] 185 00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:41,763 You really don't need to help. 186 00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:44,201 Oh, I don't mind chopping a few carrots, love. 187 00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:47,074 It's a big production number, Christmas dinner. 188 00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:50,113 Ay-up, here she comes. Happy Christmas, Ava. 189 00:09:50,146 --> 00:09:52,685 Happy Christmas, Granddad. Hatey Christmas, Leah. 190 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,856 Hatey Christmas to you, too, my darling. 191 00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:57,394 -Happy Christmas. -Happy Christmas, love. 192 00:09:57,427 --> 00:10:00,233 -Is it present opening time? -No, Luke's not awake yet. 193 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,339 -[Luke] Yes, he is. -[Jackie] Oh, my God, it lives. 194 00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,711 Ha ha. Hello, Granny. Merry Christmas. 195 00:10:05,744 --> 00:10:07,815 [Ally] Hi. If you guys want some champagne, it's just up there. 196 00:10:07,848 --> 00:10:09,251 -Yes, please. -I'm all right for now. 197 00:10:09,284 --> 00:10:12,023 -I'll just get some juice. -[refrigerator door opens] 198 00:10:14,361 --> 00:10:15,665 [refrigerator door closes] 199 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,702 [indistinct conversations] 200 00:10:17,735 --> 00:10:20,875 Here you go. Gin, tonic, ice and a slice... of lemon. 201 00:10:20,908 --> 00:10:22,811 Ooh. Is this the shit tonic? 202 00:10:23,045 --> 00:10:24,849 I'm sorry. I didn't ask. 203 00:10:24,882 --> 00:10:26,853 Should I ask? I can never taste the difference. 204 00:10:26,886 --> 00:10:29,893 -I can, but don't worry. -So, you said you had news. 205 00:10:29,926 --> 00:10:31,997 You also said that you had news. 206 00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:34,970 Hmm. Would you like to be the first item on the news, 207 00:10:35,003 --> 00:10:36,840 like a major climate disaster? 208 00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:38,711 Hmm, no, I'll go second, 209 00:10:38,744 --> 00:10:41,115 like "terrorist attack in Madrid" sort of thing. 210 00:10:41,148 --> 00:10:43,119 -Okay. -[chuckles] 211 00:10:43,152 --> 00:10:46,960 Uh, well, my news is actually, uh, romantic news. 212 00:10:46,993 --> 00:10:49,733 Okay. Is this about the amazing Gabby? 213 00:10:49,766 --> 00:10:52,037 -Gabby? -Yeah, Gabby. 214 00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:55,443 Oh, Gabby. No, no, no, no. Um, she didn't really like me. 215 00:10:55,476 --> 00:10:57,948 I mean, she didn't say as much, but I got the impression. 216 00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,022 We went on one further date, and when I went 217 00:11:01,055 --> 00:11:02,892 to kiss her good night, she sort of shouted. 218 00:11:02,925 --> 00:11:04,763 Oh, right. Well, that's not good. [chuckles] 219 00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:06,900 No, and she said she saw a motorbike behind me 220 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,240 nearly hit a cat, but not convinced. 221 00:11:10,273 --> 00:11:13,881 Hmm. So what? So, well, then, what's the romantic news? 222 00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:17,821 [exhales deeply] Well, Karen and I are... 223 00:11:19,892 --> 00:11:22,397 -...getting back together. -Really? Well, obviously. 224 00:11:22,430 --> 00:11:24,134 Obvi-- Sorry. Yeah, obviously, really, 225 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,005 'cause you just said it, didn't you? 226 00:11:26,038 --> 00:11:28,009 Well, I know it seems sort of unexpected, 227 00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:31,783 but we just thought it'd be worth another try, you know? 228 00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,921 Still a lot of warmth there. 229 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,192 Warmth. Oh. Okay. 230 00:11:36,225 --> 00:11:38,196 That's really great. That's so good. [chuckles] 231 00:11:38,229 --> 00:11:39,833 And the twins are exhibiting 232 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,503 some quite, uh, challenging behavior at the moment, 233 00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:43,473 both excluded from school last month. 234 00:11:43,507 --> 00:11:44,876 -Wow. -And they've each been given 235 00:11:44,909 --> 00:11:47,214 a lifetime ballet-stroke-tap ban 236 00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:49,084 from the London Dance Schools' Association. 237 00:11:49,117 --> 00:11:51,088 -Lifetime? -I know, harsh. 238 00:11:51,121 --> 00:11:54,028 I mean, it's obviously an overreaction, but, uh... 239 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,164 they're not budging on it, so, um... 240 00:11:56,699 --> 00:11:59,939 So you think that getting back together is gonna help this? 241 00:11:59,972 --> 00:12:03,781 Exactly. Two shoulders to carry the burden. 242 00:12:03,814 --> 00:12:05,216 Right, yeah. 243 00:12:05,249 --> 00:12:08,289 No, four. No, we've got two each, haven't we? 244 00:12:08,557 --> 00:12:10,828 -So, what's your news? -[inhales sharply] Um... 245 00:12:10,861 --> 00:12:13,165 Paul and I are gonna split up. 246 00:12:16,271 --> 00:12:19,345 Right. You mean you're... 247 00:12:19,378 --> 00:12:21,950 Divorced. Yeah, yeah. Well, eventually. 248 00:12:21,983 --> 00:12:24,088 We're not gonna tell the kids for... for a while yet, 249 00:12:24,121 --> 00:12:26,793 but, yeah, it looks like... it looks like we're over. 250 00:12:28,997 --> 00:12:33,139 I'm so sorry. What caused it? If that's not... 251 00:12:33,172 --> 00:12:36,078 Oh, a combination of things. It's been coming for a while, 252 00:12:36,111 --> 00:12:39,853 and, um, yeah, we both felt it, but we just had to admit it 253 00:12:39,886 --> 00:12:41,388 to ourselves and then to each other. 254 00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:45,096 Listen, Ally, if there's anything... 255 00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:49,104 ...anything I can do, just give me a call. 256 00:12:51,008 --> 00:12:53,112 Yeah, I think you're gonna have your, uh, hands full 257 00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:56,853 with a big... Karen reunion, aren't you? 258 00:12:56,886 --> 00:12:58,891 Oh, yes, I... yeah. 259 00:12:58,924 --> 00:13:00,160 -Probably will, won't I? -Yeah. 260 00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:02,096 It's gonna be wonderful, I'm sure. 261 00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:08,309 According to my phone, he should be back... now. 262 00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:09,378 -[door closes] -[Paul] Hiya! 263 00:13:09,411 --> 00:13:12,384 [laughter] 264 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:15,156 Here he is, the shit Father Christmas. 265 00:13:15,189 --> 00:13:16,893 Piss Kringle. 266 00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:20,166 -Hello, Paul. -Hatey Christmas, Mother-in-Law. 267 00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:22,304 -Hello, offspring. -Really sorry you had to go 268 00:13:22,337 --> 00:13:24,542 all the way back to our place, Paul, after bringing us here. 269 00:13:24,575 --> 00:13:26,312 -[sighs] -I'm an idiot. 270 00:13:26,345 --> 00:13:28,516 It's fine. You need your meds now. 271 00:13:28,917 --> 00:13:31,021 Here we are, then, sonny. Happy Christmas. 272 00:13:31,054 --> 00:13:34,294 What a good little Geordie. Right, what we got here? 273 00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:37,602 -Some house keys and medication. -Thank you. 274 00:13:37,635 --> 00:13:40,340 Oh, I also found this, actually, next to the tablets. 275 00:13:40,373 --> 00:13:42,444 Manuka honey. That's medicinal, isn't it? 276 00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:43,580 I didn't know if you needed some. 277 00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:44,949 Oh, no, that's Jim's. 278 00:13:44,982 --> 00:13:46,553 -I don't touch honey. -Oh, Jesus. 279 00:13:46,586 --> 00:13:48,021 It comes out of bees' bum holes. 280 00:13:49,592 --> 00:13:51,395 -Does it? -Doesn't it? 281 00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:54,368 I don't think it does. [chuckles] 282 00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:57,407 Well, whatever. I just don't like the thought of it. 283 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,445 -Yeah. -Thousands of 'em 284 00:13:59,478 --> 00:14:03,554 crawling all over the honey in that tiny space, 285 00:14:03,587 --> 00:14:05,591 and then you're meant to eat it. Ugh. 286 00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:07,461 -No, thank you very much. -Yeah. 287 00:14:07,494 --> 00:14:09,164 I love sandwich spread. 288 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:12,572 Sandwich spread doesn't cure arthritis. 289 00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:14,642 And neither does a 30-quid jar of honey, 290 00:14:14,675 --> 00:14:16,044 you gullible old sod. 291 00:14:18,115 --> 00:14:19,953 I also realized that we didn't have any whisky, 292 00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:21,355 so, uh, I got some on the way back. 293 00:14:21,388 --> 00:14:23,192 Cheap old paint stripper. 43%. 294 00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:26,098 -Oh, magic. Burnin' nectar. -[chuckles] 295 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:29,071 Right. I'll get this off, and, um, yeah. Presents? 296 00:14:29,104 --> 00:14:30,206 -Yes. Yes! -Yay! 297 00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:31,308 [laughter] 298 00:14:32,978 --> 00:14:34,348 -So, we're saying-- -Oh, oh, mind, mind. 299 00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:37,622 -Dog dirt. -Who still says "dog dirt"? 300 00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:40,193 -[laughs] -Me, clearly. 301 00:14:40,226 --> 00:14:42,264 Do you still say "women's lib" and "continental quilt"? 302 00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:43,667 [laughter] 303 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,403 Someone's got to, don't they? 304 00:14:45,436 --> 00:14:47,642 So, we're saying no lawyers? 305 00:14:47,675 --> 00:14:49,244 Yeah, I don't think we need 'em. Do you? 306 00:14:49,277 --> 00:14:51,282 -I mean, we're reasonable. -Well, you're fucking not. 307 00:14:51,315 --> 00:14:52,985 -[laughter] -No, it's just, 308 00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:57,127 loads of people manage to split up without lawyers 309 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,097 poking their noses in, and they cost a bomb. 310 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,105 Yeah, but actual divorce, like the, you know, 311 00:15:03,138 --> 00:15:05,109 actual sort of legal thingummyjiggy... 312 00:15:05,142 --> 00:15:07,113 Go on. Go on, Rumpole. 313 00:15:07,146 --> 00:15:09,384 But that's, like, that's further down the road a bit, right? 314 00:15:09,417 --> 00:15:11,990 Yes. I think it goes, 315 00:15:12,023 --> 00:15:15,531 I move out. We have some sort of temporary plan financially, 316 00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:18,002 -the kids and all of that... -Yeah. 317 00:15:18,035 --> 00:15:19,973 ...and then divorce. 318 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,074 Right. 319 00:15:21,375 --> 00:15:23,246 [inhales deeply] Hmm. 320 00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:25,551 -Yeah. -[patron] Thanks, mate, yeah. 321 00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:27,722 [choral music continues] 322 00:15:27,755 --> 00:15:29,559 Is there a Christmas pudding, Ally? 323 00:15:29,592 --> 00:15:32,297 There's one for you, Jim. No one else eats it. 324 00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:35,504 That's very kind. Why does no one else eat it? 325 00:15:35,537 --> 00:15:38,309 -'Cause it's rank. -It is rank, Granddad. 326 00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:42,017 Raisins. Brown stuff. More brown stuff. Bits of peel. 327 00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:44,321 One of those things I love the idea of, 328 00:15:44,354 --> 00:15:46,125 but I don't actually enjoy. 329 00:15:46,158 --> 00:15:48,730 -Like marriage. -Precisely. 330 00:15:48,763 --> 00:15:50,400 [doorbell rings] 331 00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:51,401 I'll go. 332 00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,443 -Darren. -Yes. 333 00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:57,180 -Come in, mate. Merry Christmas. -Thank you. 334 00:16:00,052 --> 00:16:01,690 -It's just you? -Yes. 335 00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:03,192 Karen's got the twins today. I tossed for it. 336 00:16:03,225 --> 00:16:05,330 [laughs] She lost. 337 00:16:05,363 --> 00:16:08,035 She lost. [chuckles] No, seriously, she did lose. 338 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,037 -Oh, right. Hmm. -Yeah. 339 00:16:10,473 --> 00:16:14,582 [indistinct conversation] 340 00:16:14,615 --> 00:16:16,184 Hey, folks. Look who I found. 341 00:16:18,757 --> 00:16:20,326 Are your lovely girls with you? 342 00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:22,698 No, they're spending Christmas Day with their mum. 343 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,167 Oh. 344 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,704 -Happy Christmas. -Here, let me take that. 345 00:16:25,737 --> 00:16:27,742 Luke, get this man a glass of fizz. 346 00:16:27,775 --> 00:16:30,614 -Oh. -How are you? 347 00:16:30,647 --> 00:16:31,716 [indistinct conversations] 348 00:16:31,749 --> 00:16:34,321 -[chuckles] -Mm. Oh, shit. 349 00:16:34,354 --> 00:16:35,791 -Hmm? -Shit. Behind you. 350 00:16:35,824 --> 00:16:40,199 Bald bloke over there? Porn star in the '70s. Yeah. 351 00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:42,370 -[chuckles] -Nothing hardcore. Just, uh... 352 00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:45,476 The soft stuff, you know, Randy Bin Man on the Job. 353 00:16:45,510 --> 00:16:47,615 Or Confessions of a Project Manager. 354 00:16:47,648 --> 00:16:49,318 -[laughs] That was a sexy film. -Ah. 355 00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:51,388 That was really, really sexy. 356 00:16:51,421 --> 00:16:53,527 -Big, Bald and Bouncy. -Oh, didn't that win the Oscar? 357 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,496 No, they went with Kramer vs. Kramer that year. 358 00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,734 Fucking idiots. [laughs] 359 00:16:59,237 --> 00:17:01,074 -Hmm. Cheers. -Cheers. 360 00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:03,613 Ahh. 361 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,757 And we're getting on a lot better 362 00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:11,194 since we decided to split up. 363 00:17:11,495 --> 00:17:13,633 Yeah. Yeah, we are, aren't we? 364 00:17:18,677 --> 00:17:21,047 I'm still really, really angry about... 365 00:17:22,785 --> 00:17:25,123 -Big, Bald and Bouncy. -[laughs] 366 00:17:25,156 --> 00:17:26,559 -[laughs] -Yes. 367 00:17:26,592 --> 00:17:28,296 -He was fucking robbed. -Yeah. 368 00:17:28,329 --> 00:17:29,632 I mean, how bald was Hoffman? 369 00:17:29,665 --> 00:17:30,701 -He was not bald at all. -No. 370 00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,406 He was the exact opposite of bald. 371 00:17:33,439 --> 00:17:36,145 -Which would be? -Very, very hairish. 372 00:17:36,178 --> 00:17:37,480 -Exactly. Hairish. -[laughs] 373 00:17:42,457 --> 00:17:44,328 with Maya's family. 374 00:17:44,361 --> 00:17:46,298 -No, he's fucking not. -That's what I said. 375 00:17:46,331 --> 00:17:48,269 What? Who said he wants to move out? 376 00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:49,672 He mentioned it to Mum, and apparently 377 00:17:49,705 --> 00:17:51,241 he's gonna tell us all at dinner today. 378 00:17:51,274 --> 00:17:53,212 But that's ridiculous. He can't just move out. 379 00:17:53,245 --> 00:17:55,450 No, I know. I'm not ready for him to go. I'm really not. 380 00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:57,187 Well, that's okay, Al, 'cause he's not going. 381 00:17:57,220 --> 00:18:00,259 [sighs] God. I mean, I understand that 382 00:18:00,292 --> 00:18:01,730 he's crazy in love with Maya, and she's... 383 00:18:01,763 --> 00:18:03,332 she's g-- she's great for him. 384 00:18:03,365 --> 00:18:04,468 Best thing that's ever happened to him. 385 00:18:04,502 --> 00:18:05,904 -Yeah. -But still, he's got exams. 386 00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:08,442 He's got a family. Christ, he's already moved out once, 387 00:18:08,475 --> 00:18:09,746 hasn't he? When he walloped me. 388 00:18:09,779 --> 00:18:11,916 -[chuckles] -Then he moved back in. 389 00:18:11,949 --> 00:18:13,820 Then I moved out. It's enough fucking moving out, okay? 390 00:18:13,853 --> 00:18:16,392 He's still little. I mean, he's big, but he's still little. 391 00:18:16,425 --> 00:18:18,597 I'm not finished with him yet. He's like an unfinished project, 392 00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:19,932 like one of your mum's jigsaws. 393 00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:21,334 [laughter] 394 00:18:22,871 --> 00:18:24,742 -Fucking hell. -I know. 395 00:18:27,447 --> 00:18:30,153 Okay, so, so... how are we supposed to react 396 00:18:30,186 --> 00:18:31,556 when... when he tells us this? 397 00:18:31,589 --> 00:18:33,292 'Cause we can't embarrass him in front of Maya... 398 00:18:33,325 --> 00:18:34,529 -Yeah. -...and have him fucking, 399 00:18:34,562 --> 00:18:36,866 you know, storm off and go mental, so... 400 00:18:39,370 --> 00:18:42,377 We've got to be reasonable and practical 401 00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:46,519 and say that we, uh, that we... we know how in love they are. 402 00:18:46,552 --> 00:18:49,424 -Yeah. -But that... [sighs] 403 00:18:49,457 --> 00:18:52,363 I don't know. Talk about how he needs to focus on his exams... 404 00:18:52,396 --> 00:18:53,398 -Right, okay. -...and all that stuff. 405 00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:57,340 Yeah, okay. God Almighty, when does parenting end? 406 00:18:57,373 --> 00:18:59,277 About the time the crematorium curtains close 407 00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:00,814 and the kids have put the house on Rightmove. 408 00:19:08,328 --> 00:19:09,430 [laughter] 409 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,944 -That sounds amazing. -Mm. 410 00:19:15,977 --> 00:19:17,548 It's... How tall is it, Maya? 411 00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:19,284 Uh, it's 38 floors up, 412 00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:21,221 and you look out over Tower Bridge 413 00:19:21,254 --> 00:19:24,461 and along the Thames and yeah, we go every Christmas. 414 00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:26,533 Me, my mum, my dad, and my sister and her lot. 415 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,902 -Oh. -Sounds amazing. 416 00:19:27,935 --> 00:19:30,206 Christmas dinner at a restaurant. 417 00:19:30,239 --> 00:19:31,876 I'm not sure I approve. 418 00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,247 Oh, that's because you've never had to cook the bloody thing. 419 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,285 -[laughter] -Well, we're very honored indeed 420 00:19:36,318 --> 00:19:38,590 that you've chosen to be with us today. 421 00:19:38,623 --> 00:19:41,495 -Mum, you sound like a mayoress. -[laughter] 422 00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:42,832 We are, though, Maya. 423 00:19:42,865 --> 00:19:44,468 Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world, 424 00:19:44,502 --> 00:19:46,606 so thank you for having me. I really love it here. 425 00:19:46,639 --> 00:19:47,808 -Good. -Can I use 426 00:19:47,841 --> 00:19:50,246 -me pudding spoon for the gravy? -No. 427 00:19:50,279 --> 00:19:51,649 Hang on. I'll get you another one. 428 00:19:51,682 --> 00:19:54,622 It's not soup, Jim. It's gravy. 429 00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:58,028 -It's quite a fine line, though. -Exactly. 430 00:19:58,061 --> 00:20:00,934 -Thank you, love. -Don't encourage him. 431 00:20:01,936 --> 00:20:04,609 [Paul] Come on. We're not gonna get a seat at this rate. 432 00:20:04,642 --> 00:20:06,478 [Ally] Standing room only, like a royal wedding. 433 00:20:06,512 --> 00:20:08,349 -Yeah, or a public hanging. -[laughs] 434 00:20:08,382 --> 00:20:09,886 ...for Darren and Karen, 435 00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:13,025 and it's lovely to see such a lot of people here 436 00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:17,000 to wish this couple well as they join together 437 00:20:17,033 --> 00:20:19,505 and continue their life's journey. 438 00:20:19,538 --> 00:20:22,845 Okay, then, so on to the all-important vows, 439 00:20:22,878 --> 00:20:24,715 written, I think, by-- 440 00:20:24,748 --> 00:20:27,419 Karen. She... She wrote them. 441 00:20:28,021 --> 00:20:29,625 -Excellent. -[under breath] Come on. 442 00:20:29,658 --> 00:20:31,663 -[whispers] Wow. -Okay, Darren, are you ready? 443 00:20:31,696 --> 00:20:32,931 Sure. 444 00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:35,537 -So, repeat after me. -Mm-hmm. 445 00:20:35,570 --> 00:20:37,440 -I, Darren... -I, Darren... 446 00:20:37,775 --> 00:20:40,446 -...promise you, Karen... -...promise you, Karen... 447 00:20:41,015 --> 00:20:43,820 ...to be a faithful partner amid the joys... 448 00:20:43,853 --> 00:20:45,590 ...amid the joys... 449 00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:48,930 To be a faithful partner amid the joys. 450 00:20:48,963 --> 00:20:50,534 Sorry. [chuckles] 451 00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:54,474 To be a faithful partner amid all the joys... 452 00:20:54,508 --> 00:20:57,380 -Sorry, was it "all"? -No, but it's all right. 453 00:20:57,413 --> 00:20:59,518 And the sorrows of our life together. 454 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,490 And the sorrows of our life together. 455 00:21:02,524 --> 00:21:03,994 [whispers] Don't lead with sorrow. 456 00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:06,331 -Never lead with sorrow. Yeah. -Terrible vows. 457 00:21:06,364 --> 00:21:08,068 They're, like, really shit vows. [chuckles] 458 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,671 I will be your rock. 459 00:21:10,807 --> 00:21:12,377 I will be your rock. 460 00:21:12,410 --> 00:21:13,947 I will be your staff. 461 00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:16,519 -I will be your staff. -That means walking stick, 462 00:21:16,552 --> 00:21:18,757 not an actual member of her staff. 463 00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:20,794 -Although... -I will be your lover 464 00:21:20,827 --> 00:21:21,929 and your comrade. 465 00:21:22,230 --> 00:21:24,769 I will be your lover and your comrade. 466 00:21:24,802 --> 00:21:27,808 -Oh, calm down, Stalin. -Your partner in crime... 467 00:21:27,841 --> 00:21:30,914 -Wow. Tax avoidance. -Your partner in crime... 468 00:21:30,947 --> 00:21:33,620 And... your playmate. 469 00:21:33,653 --> 00:21:36,826 -[laughs] Fucking hell. -[Darren] And your playmate. 470 00:21:36,859 --> 00:21:39,431 And I promise in front of the congregation 471 00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,604 gathered here to love you forever. 472 00:21:43,439 --> 00:21:46,445 And I promise in front of the congregation 473 00:21:46,478 --> 00:21:49,785 gathered here to love you forever. 474 00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:54,728 [Susie] We are giving each other a second chance... 475 00:21:55,196 --> 00:21:57,801 [Darren] We are giving each other a second chance. 476 00:21:58,168 --> 00:21:59,872 [Susie] ...trying again... 477 00:21:59,905 --> 00:22:03,045 -[Darren] ...trying again... -[Susie] ...together today... 478 00:22:03,078 --> 00:22:04,681 [Darren] ...together today... 479 00:22:05,249 --> 00:22:08,121 [Susie] ...and for all the days of our lives. 480 00:22:08,556 --> 00:22:11,461 [Darren] ...and for all the days of our lives. 481 00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:16,138 That was nice. It was a nice ceremony. 482 00:22:16,171 --> 00:22:17,708 -Very sweet. -Susie did great. 483 00:22:17,741 --> 00:22:19,645 -I really like her. -She's good, isn't she? 484 00:22:19,678 --> 00:22:21,616 Yeah. So how long do you give 'em? 485 00:22:21,649 --> 00:22:22,851 -As a couple? -Yeah. 486 00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:25,489 -[blows raspberry] Six. -Months? 487 00:22:25,523 --> 00:22:27,060 No, minutes. They're fucking doomed. 488 00:22:27,093 --> 00:22:29,464 -[chuckles] -[inhales deeply] 489 00:22:29,497 --> 00:22:31,401 And are we undoomed now, do you think? 490 00:22:32,537 --> 00:22:33,506 [sighs] 491 00:22:34,908 --> 00:22:36,044 Okay. 492 00:22:36,613 --> 00:22:41,889 Ally, I need to tell you... I'm sorry. 493 00:22:41,922 --> 00:22:44,127 -I did fancy Gabby. -[gasps] 494 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,465 Clearly, I did. Clearly, I did. 495 00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,536 -[sighs] -And I lied to you. 496 00:22:50,139 --> 00:22:52,076 I thought it was this kind of fun, 497 00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:57,053 uncomplicated world, and I really liked it, okay? 498 00:22:57,086 --> 00:23:00,861 So, without getting too Nuremberg trials about it all... 499 00:23:00,894 --> 00:23:02,931 -You fucker! -...I'm sorry. 500 00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,402 You sorry fucker. 501 00:23:08,241 --> 00:23:09,679 -Do you forgive me? -No. 502 00:23:09,712 --> 00:23:10,680 Fuck. 503 00:23:14,487 --> 00:23:16,759 So, what do you reckon we do now? 504 00:23:19,063 --> 00:23:20,701 Well, I think we carry on 505 00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:23,740 believing that we're going to split up because this is 506 00:23:23,773 --> 00:23:25,644 the best that we've got on in fucking months. 507 00:23:25,677 --> 00:23:27,647 I agree. I agree. 508 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,056 -Let's split up. -Let's split up. 509 00:23:34,193 --> 00:23:36,899 -Do you want some more? -Mm. Thank you. 510 00:23:36,932 --> 00:23:39,939 -That was so delicious, Ally. -Yeah, Mum, that was amazing. 511 00:23:39,972 --> 00:23:41,542 Um, are you sure you don't want some wine, Maya? 512 00:23:41,575 --> 00:23:43,479 -Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thanks. -Mmm. 513 00:23:43,513 --> 00:23:45,082 Does nobody else want any of this Christmas puddin'? 514 00:23:45,115 --> 00:23:46,686 It's delicious. 515 00:23:46,719 --> 00:23:49,490 Stop trying to push your pudding onto everyone. 516 00:23:52,229 --> 00:23:53,967 Did that sound a bit rude? 517 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,006 -[laughter] -A bit rude, yeah. 518 00:23:57,039 --> 00:23:59,077 Christmas pudding. Love a bit of Christmas pudding. 519 00:23:59,110 --> 00:24:01,548 There we go! Good on you, Darren. 520 00:24:02,082 --> 00:24:04,487 Oh, listen, there's loads of this trifle left. 521 00:24:04,521 --> 00:24:06,024 -Who needs some? -Oh-- 522 00:24:06,057 --> 00:24:08,128 I need to say something, actually. 523 00:24:09,598 --> 00:24:11,735 -All right. Okay. -[Jim chuckles] 524 00:24:15,109 --> 00:24:16,612 -It's all gone really quiet now. -Ah. 525 00:24:16,645 --> 00:24:18,115 [laughter] 526 00:24:18,148 --> 00:24:19,885 Um... 527 00:24:19,918 --> 00:24:23,526 I need to say that I am gonna be moving in with Maya's family. 528 00:24:27,901 --> 00:24:29,170 Are you? Okay. 529 00:24:29,805 --> 00:24:31,975 And have you thought about this, love? 530 00:24:32,309 --> 00:24:34,213 Yeah. Yeah. 531 00:24:35,917 --> 00:24:38,222 I'm really sorry to be stealing him away. 532 00:24:38,255 --> 00:24:39,925 I know you'll miss me being around. 533 00:24:39,958 --> 00:24:42,063 It's just I think that it's important that we're together. 534 00:24:42,096 --> 00:24:45,102 Uh, look, we... we know how much in love you both are, 535 00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:46,739 and that is brilliant-- 536 00:24:46,772 --> 00:24:49,845 Thank you. We are. But also... 537 00:24:53,318 --> 00:24:54,286 I'm pregnant. 538 00:24:57,794 --> 00:25:00,667 Yeah. That's... That's the main reason. 539 00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,069 We're... We're gonna have a baby.