- Mom. - Yes?
- Okay. I want a big party this year. - Serious?
- I want a quinceañera. - Quinceañera?
We can't do that. We're too white for that. We're not allowed.
[DISTANT SCREAMING]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- [SIGHS]
[KEYS CLACKING]
[BANGING]
[CHILD YELLS]
[CHILDREN YELLING]
Don't do this, mate.
Don't do it.
It doesn't help.
If you're going in, you scream,
they cry, you hate yourself.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
Breathe.
Talk to them.
Do better, Paul.
Be better.
Jesus fucking Christ!
How many times do I have to tell you
to be quiet?
No, tell me, how many times have I told you?
You think I'm gonna put up with this?
I'll fucking go. I don't give a shit.
In fact, I'm gonna go, tell--
tell Mummy that Daddy's gone.
Right? 'Cause he couldn't stand
to be around the fucking noise anymore.
Then, when you told her that, you can watch her cry,
and then you can cry some more,
and you'll all be fucking crying.
Sorry.
I just need you to be quiet.
I'm working. I didn't mean any of that.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Nicely finessed, ambassador.
- Oh. - You all right?
- Yeah.
It's just the level of noise.
Do you know what I mean, it's--
I've got to prep for this thing tomorrow, and--
- Yeah, I know, Paul, they can be real pricks.
- I would die for those kids, Ally.
But often, I also want to kill them.
- Yeah. It's a conundrum, isn't it?
Trying to work out which duvet to suffocate them with.
- Well, the tiger one's thicker.
I would definitely murder our children
with the tiger duvet.
- [CHUCKLES]
[IRREVERENT MUSIC]
[♪♪♪]
[POLICE SIREN WAILS DISTANTLY]
[MUFFLED TALKING]
- [EXHALES NOISILY]
- [LAUGHS] - You better believe it.
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[SERENE MUSIC]
- [SPEAKS SPANISH]
- That is so hot.
- [LAUGHS]
Right, I'm just gonna use the little girls' room
to have a massive piss.
- Have fun with that.
Try a standing-up one.
- I'll pay the bill on the way out.
- Love you. - Joint account.
- Fuck you. - Shh.
[BABY CRYING] [CHILD SPEAKING]
- A minute. Give us a minute.
- Buen provecho. - Oh, gracias, yes.
Oh, Charlie.
- You eat yours, then we'll swap.
- No, no, pass her here. You eat yours first.
You hate your cold food.
- You eat yours when it's hot. I'm good.
- Uh, excuse me, you don't need a hand, do you?
[♪♪♪]
- Thank you so much for that.
That was such a brilliant thing to do.
- You're welcome. Don't mention it.
- They love you.
I take it you've got kids.
- Uh, not yet.
Or maybe ever. Who knows.
Nice to meet you, sunshine.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- So shall we go back to the hotel...
and fuck each other stupid?
- Oh, yeah, let's fuck each other mental,
like if you could turn someone schizophrenic
just by fucking them hard enough.
- You can't.
Not even Sting can do that, and he's had a good go.
- [LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
I really thought we were done with the sleepless nights.
Ava's got a bit of a cold.
She's ripped to the tits on Calpol,
but... Luke, I don't know.
- I think he might've had a bit of a nap today
at my folks', so.
- He had a what? - It's fine, he'll sleep.
Said it was just two hours.
- Two hours?
You can get to Brussels on the fucking Eurostar
in two hours.
You can watch "The Godfather."
- You can't, it's nearly three. - He'll never sleep again.
What were your parents thinking?
- [SIGHS]
They were looking after our kids, Ally.
For free.
- Mummy!
- Luke's got his fire madness again.
- Christ.
The fucking fire safety class he had at school.
- He thinks we're all gonna burn to death.
He asked Father Christmas for a sprinkler system.
- Daddy! Mummy!
- Shall I go...
- What time is your meeting tomorrow morning?
It's 8:45, right?
- Mm, it's 8:00. - I thought you said 8:45.
- Yeah, but I should be there for 8:00.
7:50-ish, you know?
7:45, sort of thing.
- Why?
- To get prepared, get sorted.
So that means up at 6:30.
You're working from home tomorrow, right?
'Cause Darren's sending you edits
to listen to down the line?
- Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't need to sleep, does it?
- No, I-- God, I know, I know.
- 'Cause work from home is still work, isn't it?
- I know, yeah. - Daddy!
- Okay. Let's split it through the night.
90 minutes on, 90 minutes off,
like World War I sentries or prostitutes.
- Daddy!
[♪♪♪]
- Okay.
[♪♪♪]
- Good luck.
[♪♪♪]
- So what's on your mind, sunshine?
- I don't want to be in a fire. - Of course you don't.
Last thing anyone wants. That or drowning.
Not drowning.
That's not gonna happen to us, okay?
- Okay.
- Seriously, mate, serious-- we are safe here.
My job, Mummy's job, is to keep you and Ava safe.
That's always been our job.
That's, like, our only job.
It's what mums and dads are for.
- Fucking nightmare, the whole thing.
Half them don't speak any English.
That's not a racist complaint.
It's a purely practical complaint.
Because I need to communicate with them, you know?
Words. Ideas.
They stare back at me
like I'm the one talking in a foreign language.
I have hot water now, I don't know,
maybe three days a week, if that.
Astonishing, given the amount I am fucking paying.
- He's called Luke, Mum. - Who is, love?
- My new baby.
- Oh, God, yes, of course.
Sorry to be boring on about the stupid building.
Well, you've got a lovely baby.
- Do you want to hold him?
- I've got this elbow thing, so I won't.
He's unlikely to remember any of this anyway.
Have you thought of any names?
- He's called Luke, Mum. - Nice.
Biblical.
Or "Star Wars."
- We've arrived, and to prove it, we're here.
- Stand by your beds.
Not literally.
Hello, Leah.
That's a nice top.
- Hey.
- Aww, is this little Luke? - Yeah.
Want to hold him? - You don't want to drop him.
- I won't drop him, Jim.
I think I can hold a baby, thanks.
- Drop him on his head, he'd turn out like this one.
- Oi. - I'm joking.
He's fine.
Although he was on beta blockers for his "A" levels.
- I'll get some more chairs.
- Oh, don't bother. I don't mind standing.
As Elton John sang.
Did he sing that?
- It's all right.
I'll get a couple from out here.
- You don't need any more palaver.
- We're fine. We don't want a fuss.
- It's not a fuss, Dad.
Getting some chairs, it's not a fuss.
You refusing the fucking chairs,
that's a fuss.
- Sorry for the turmoil, Ally.
- Oh, honestly, it's fine. Totally fine.
- Oh, what a beautiful baby.
Look, Jim.
- I can see him.
- Paul's gonna be a terrific dad.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- Super dad.
[♪♪♪]
- So.
You know what this is?
- Smoke alarm? - Mm-hmm.
- And what does it do if it smells smoke?
- Beeps? - More than that, mate.
It mega-beeps. Incredibly loudly.
Like a lorry reversing into a heart monitor.
And that keeps us safe.
All right?
- If the sofa was on fire, would we be safe?
- Yes, we would. - If the telly was on fire?
- Yeah. - Table?
- Yes. - What if the--
- Whatever's on fire, Luke,
even if it's a big fire, we'll all be safe.
- A big fire?
Can we climb out that window?
- Well, it's locked, but there is a key.
Although we don't keep it near the window.
- Why?
- Because a burglar might be able
to smash the glass, reach in, and get the key.
- Are there burglars outside?
- No need to worry about burglars.
Shouldn't have mentioned burglars.
- I'm worried about burglars and drowning.
- Well, I thought you were worried about fire.
- I am.
- So can we just worry about one thing at a time, please?
Or not worry. Let's not worry.
Because you don't need to be worried.
Front door, all right?
Keys by the side,
so we can easily get out.
[DOOR RATTLING]
- No, we can't. - Yes, we can.
- I can't get out of the fire! - There's no fucking fire!
Okay? You shouldn't be able to get out anyway
because you're seven years old and you'd get run over.
No, you wouldn't.
Don't start worrying about that now.
Christ, how many times?
You're madder than the fucking smoke alarm.
Hello, Ally, hi.
This is all fine.
It's all under control. It's not rage.
I'm not angry with Luke.
I was just explaining a few things,
safety things, you know,
and all of a sudden, it just got a bit--
- It's almost my time
to take over anyway, so just go to bed.
- Good. Fine. Thanks.
[AVA CRYING]
Do you ever feel like your brain
is gonna be sick into your own skull?
- I get that relentlessly most days, yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Come here.
- Yes, how do you know?
- 'Cause whenever you ask
if I remember someone, they're dead.
- Broken heart.
His wife had gone eight weeks before.
I think if your mum dies before me,
I'll just step in front of a lorry.
Or drink bleach. - Yeah, nice gesture.
- I can't even boil an egg.
Or line up me pills in that plastic thing.
Can't work the printer.
- You never need to print anything.
- Well, it's a fucking good job, isn't it?
You cook, don't you?
- We share it, yeah.
- It was a different era when I was young.
I don't mean sex crimes.
Child care, cooking, all that.
I went to work. Your mum did everything else.
I don't think I was ever as nice as you are.
- Hmm. I'm not nice.
I'm not a nice man.
I-I found that out.
You know, I thought I was.
Thirty-odd years, I was convinced
that I was nice, but I'm not, I'm nasty.
- Is this about shouting at the kids?
Everyone shouts at the kids, Paul.
- It's different, Dad.
Believe me.
There's a good boy.
You're gonna stay asleep.
[HUSHED PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
There's a good boy.
Easy-peasy.
Yeah.
[BABY CRYING]
Oh, motherfucking-- be reasonable, you prick!
Be fucking reasonable!
The rage.
No one has ever made me feel rage
like that, like they do.
I am medically deranged when they wind me up.
Full-on fucking Broadmoor.
- You and Ally okay?
No fights?
- Yeah, we're all right, mostly.
- Me and your mum have never had a stand-up row in 50 years.
Not one. - Yeah, you see, it's...
- What?
- Well, that's always been our family, isn't it?
No rage, no shouting, just passive aggression.
It's how you and Mum operate.
Passive aggression,
and bottling stuff up and sulking,
when the better thing would've just been
to have the row and move on.
You see, I never learned any of that.
It's one of the reasons
I'm so all over the fucking shop now.
- Well, I'm sure we're both very sorry we ruined your life.
We didn't mean to.
- Dad.
- I'll tell your mum you love her.
- Dad.
- Read it.
- One Sunday morning, the warm sun came up, and poof,
out of an egg came a small and very hungry caterpillar.
And what did he do, Ava?
- Looked for some food 'cause he's very hungry.
- He's very hungry.
He's a very hungry caterpillar.
That is his whole thing.
- That's his whole thing.
- On Monday,
he ate through one apple, but was that enough?
- No.
- [SNORING]
- Mummy!
- On Tuesday, he ate through two pears,
but he was still hungry.
What did he eat on Wednesday?
- Three plums.
- Then he was full. The end.
Good night.
- No, Mummy!
Wake up!
- Oh, my gosh!
[♪♪♪]
[MUFFLED TALKING]
- What are you calling her?
- She-Ra, after my aunt. - Ava.
- That's beautiful. - Mm.
- Hi, Ava.
It's your Uncle Darren.
Well, not genetically.
I'm one of those men who pretend to be your uncle.
I don't mean...
Two kids, man, amazing. Two.
- I know. Two.
- No, but two, though.
- I know, it's mad.
- How are you, though, mate? - Yeah, never better.
Brilliant Ally has set up things in the studio,
so I only really have to work hardly now.
- Where were you last month, Darren?
Tell Paul.
- Croatia. Three weeks.
Beautiful.
Mucking around on the boat with Karen.
Maldives in a month.
- So you're soldiering on, then.
- Don't get me wrong, I'm a lucky, lucky guy,
but stuff is just stuff.
I mean, this, Ava and Luke, you know,
you can't put a price on that.
You know, Karen and I still can't--
- Mm... mm... - Been years now.
Still no dice.
IVF and so on.
It's sperm trouble.
Jizz biz.
- Yeah, you said. That is sad news.
I'm gonna just go with my mum and dad.
- I mean, they thought for a while
it was "variocele"?
Which sounds like an Italian dessert,
but it's actually abnormally dilated veins
around the testicles.
- I'm not a lover of puddings, really.
- You know, I'd do anything to have kids.
- Mm. - Do anything.
I'd pay anything. I'd pay...
[BABY COOS]
I don't know, 800 grand each?
For yours?
- [LAUGHS]
Are you serious?
- No, of course I'm not serious.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪]
- Fuck you.
Ticking away like some cunt.
Fuck your hands.
Fuck your numbers.
What am I doing? What am I doing?
[MUFFLED TALKING]
[CALM MUSIC]
[♪♪♪]
- Time to wake up, I'm afraid.
- No, I was-- I was awake, I hadn't slept.
- You were asleep then. - Fucking for one second.
Literally for one second.
- Sometimes it can feel like a second
when it's actually been--
- Hon, it was a second, believe me.
- Okay. - Okay?
- Sure. - Thanks.
- I'm gonna plug up to be sure,
so shake or electrocute me awake.
- Are we, um, are we letting Ava have the iPad?
Or is the blue light--
- [SNORING] - How?
That's...
I want you to just lie here, right?
Don't even think about going to sleep.
If you lie here, still and quiet,
you'll just drift off, I promise you.
- Safety Man said smoke alarms
are important because most fires
happen when you're asleep.
- The Safety Man made you scared, didn't he, Luke?
So how about I just push Safety Man down a fucking stairwell,
then he won't be Safety Man anymore, will he?
I've gotta sleep, mate.
Do you think you can?
- I'll try.
- Good boy.
Love you. Okay, bye-bye.
- Daddy.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
[♪♪♪]
- Hiya. - You all right?
- Hello. - We're your bin men.
Recycling and, you know, food, waste, all that.
- Oh, is this about the Christmas tip?
I didn't think that was allowed anymore,
what with all the contracting out.
- No, no, look, we're sorry to bother you.
We just wanted to say that, um,
well, we've both been there, buddy.
- Been there.
Bought the T-shirt.
Built the LEGO model.
- Sorry, been where?
- The abyss.
- Look, we collect your glass recycling,
and we're worried.
- About? - There's a lot of bottles.
A lot of bottles.
I mean, a lot of bottles.
- Yeah, yeah, we worked-- today's what?
- What, a hundred units a week?
120? Something like that?
- Everything okay, Paul? - Yeah, all good, thanks, Carl.
- This about the new blue bins?
- No.
- Right.
- I-I think you're way off on the units, aren't you?
I mean, there's four people who live in this house.
Yes, two of them don't really drink,
but, you know, we have people round,
to drink, and do other things as well,
obviously, it's not a speakeasy.
- Look, we're not here to judge you.
- Although you are monitoring me.
- Maybe now's not the time to deal with stuff.
Just, like, I said, we're both recovering, and...
- Yeah, and we agreed
that we'd feel guilty if we said nothing, so...
- So, up to you now, yeah?
- Well, thanks for your thoughts.
I'll be sure to put 'em on a pile.
- Hey, remember.
Buck always stops with this guy.
I mean, not me, you.
- Stay strong.
- Arms shoulder-width apart,
like this, and up.
Bend your arms. Bend your arms.
Okay, or not, yeah,
but good, well done.
- It's hard work. - Yeah, I know, mate.
Come on, five more reps, then you can swap.
[♪♪♪]
[KIDS LAUGHING] [TOYS WHIRRING]
All right, showtime.
Sorry, I tried to tire them out,
but I think I just made them stronger.
[VOICE REWINDING]
- A powerful bleach.
For heavy-duty sterilizing
and stain removal.
- They've cocked up the timings.
We need to take out all the air but keep the clarity.
- Sterilizing and stain removal.
- Can't they come back and record it again?
- No budget.
The bleach guys are tight as assholes.
Bleached assholes.
- A powerful bleach. [VOICE SLOWING DOWN]
- Have I updated you on the great IVF
egg and sperm race?
- Yeah, no I think so. I think you have, yeah.
- Stain removal.
Stain-- stain removal.
- I say it lightheartedly, but it's been grim.
I won't go into the biology of it all.
Grisly ins and outs.
- Brilliant. How's Karen about it all?
- Yeah, I think she's less bothered than me, to be honest.
- A powerful bleach.
- Have you thought about adoption?
- Who'd have me?
[AUDIO WHIRRING]
Yes, we have, uh, discussed it.
You guys happy? You and Paul?
- [LAUGHS] No, don't be daft.
- Oh? - Stain.
- I mean, we're fine. We're fine, we're not unhappy.
Well, we are unhappy, but you know.
- Not really though.
- Well, who is happy with two kids under seven?
I mean, properly happy,
like you are when you're in Portugal
and you just had a couple of beers and a big tomato.
Right, if someone is climbing Scafell Pike
with a mini-fridge tied around them and a bit of washing line,
and then you tie another mini-fridge on,
then they're not gonna be happy, no.
They'll probably make it to the--
to the summit, but it'll be a slog,
and not a pleasure.
Maybe there's a nice view, but...
the mini-fridges have just shat themselves.
- Got you. - Bleach.
- I mean, underneath all the madness,
me and Paul love each other very, very... probably,
but, you know, exploring that
is not currently a priority, it's just...
little shitting mini-fridges tied around us.
That is the image that you have to remember.
[AUDIO WHIRRING] - Understood.
And if you ever need to talk to anyone...
- I just have, that's-- that's what I was doing.
- Of course.
- But if God knew we would sin,
why does He demand a sacrifice?
It's like He-- He sets us up to fail
and then punishes us.
He's a psychopath.
- We've failed Him, my friend.
But whatever you want to call Him,
He continues to love you,
because His love is unconditional--
- Right, thanks.
[♪♪♪]
- No, fucking come here, you bally...
Don't fucking...
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I thought you told her! - Did I say I did?
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING CONTINUES, DOG BARKING]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
- Who's shouting?
Is it burglars?
[♪♪♪]
You said we could get out that door.
- It's all right, mate.
- He fucking said he'd fucking--
- Shut the fuck up, or I'll kill you.
- What? - You heard.
I said I'll kill you. Shut your fucking noise.
- Come here. Fucking come out here.
- Yeah, I'll come out there.
I'll come out there, you ugly cunt.
I'll kill you. I'll kill both of you.
- I don't believe it, Josh. He's, like, 60 or something.
- Six-- what the fuck?
I'm mid-40s, mate.
- He's got his fucking slippers on, look.
- Go fuck yourself, mate.
- [LAUGHS] - I'll kill you!
[BOTH LAUGH]
I will kill both of you.
- [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
- Oh... fuck.
[♪♪♪]
Luke? Can you open the door?
- I can't do it. - Yeah, you can.
Just turn the latch.
- What's a latch? - Oh, God.
It's the sort of sticky-out thing.
It should be sort of-- ow, motherfucker!
- I can't open the latch.
I can't get out the fire!
- Where is the fire?
Look around, there's no fire, is there?
Jesus Christ. Okay.
Stand up.
Right? See the metal thing?
Just above your head?
If you turn that,
and then you can open-- there you go.
Good boy. All right, it's okay.
Hey, okay, hold it, there's Ava.
Hey, don't-- it's okay.
Oh, we nearly had you asleep, didn't we?
All right.
Let's all of us calm down.
Have some water.
I'm gonna have a little fag.
Shh.
Ow, fuck.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
No, fuck!
- It's a fire!
- There's no fucking fire, Luke, okay?
It's not-- we've talked about that!
Right!
Shut up.
[BEEPING CHANGES TONE]
Shut the fuck up, cunt.
[BEEPING INTENSIFYING]
[BEEPING STOPS]
Okay. Okay.
He needs his sleep.
We're going old-school.
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE CLICKS]
[CALM MUSIC]
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
[BANGING ON DOOR]
[BELL BUZZING]
- Coming.
Okay.
Coming.
- Hi, Ally. - Hi.
- Just checking everything's okay.
- Uh, yeah, I think so.
Why, what time is it?
- Quarter to nine.
No, it's just, in the early hours,
I thought I heard Paul shouting about killing.
- Killing?
- Shouting, "I will kill both of you.
I will kill you both."
I was concerned.
No, it--
- Paul!
Paul?
Luke!
Ava!
[INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
[♪♪♪]
The tiger duvet is thicker.
[♪♪♪]
- Please step slowly out the car, sir.
- Hmm? What? What is this?
Is this a joke?
Whoa, what? What're you doing?
- Hey, calm down, sir.
- What do you mean, calm down? I'm--
Christ, don't wake them up.
We were just having a sleep, a nice little car sleep.
- Let's get this sorted, Mr. Worsley, come on.
- Get what sorted?
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck is this about?
Sorry, I don't...
[♪♪♪]
- Sorry again.
- It's fine.
- I didn't really think that you--
well, I mean, I-I thought it with my mind,
but I didn't really believe the thoughts.
Does that make sense?
- Not a lot of sense, no.
- Well, what would you have thought?
- I wouldn't have thought you'd murdered
our children, Ally.
I wouldn't have thought that, to be honest.
- Mummy, Daddy, I can smell fire.
[♪♪♪]
Pulling hair is wrong, mate.
I mean, all violence is wrong, but at least punching's a sport.
- Is it? - Yes, boxing.
Boxing's in the Olympics. Hair pulling isn't.
- It would be funny if it was. - It really would be.
How exactly would you describe your brand?
Testing! Ah, ah, ooh, ooh, ooh.
I feel like my brand is everything you loved about the classic movies
of our childhood, like The Sandlot,
Billy Madison, Apocalypse Now, Happy Gilmore, Clueless.
- [CROWD CHEERING] - MC: We got Lil Dicky in the house!
But at the same time, I feel like my brand is not rooted in the past.
It's actually very forward-thinking and, like, futuristic.
I don't know, man.
I look like the back of a playing card.
- Everything is just getting really weird. - [FLY BUZZING]
- You know? - Yeah. Let me write that down.
- Here it comes. - [SHOUTS]
- Take off your hat. - I can't.
- Take off this enormous jacket. - Mm-mmm.
- And stop showing up so late. - Mm-mmm.
- [GRUNTS] - [GASPS] Oh, God. Are you okay?
Oh, no. No. Shut up.
What is Devs?
[SCREAMS]