[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
‐ Yeah, mm‐hmm.
Understood. Will do.
Listen‐‐listen, I'm gonna bring in some agency staff on this.
I know there's an extra cost,
but gotta spend money to make money, you know?
♪ ♪
Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.
Okay, look, I've been standing outside my house
for about the last 20 minutes now.
Could we pick this up early doors Monday?
Yeah, understood. Will do.
And you, mate. Bye, bye.
♪ ♪
Hello.
Ava: Hurry up! Hurry up! Luke: Quick, Dad!
You're missing it! ‐ Yes, I'm coming!
Ava: Come on! ‐ Hold your horses!
Ava: What horses? ‐ Right.
Over here, crisps for Luke. Luke: Yes, crisps!
‐ Where's my yogurt? ‐ Weird yogurt thing for Ava.
‐ Yes! ‐ G&T for Mummy.
‐ Yay. ‐ And lager for me.
[sighs] Here we go, all set.
announcer: Welcome to "Dancing on Ice."
♪ ♪
‐ Sorry I'm late.
Hello. Ally: Up here.
‐ Hey. Didn't you hear me shouting?
Ally: Didn't want to add to it by shouting back.
‐ Still working?
‐ Always. ‐ [sighs]
Where is everyone?
‐ Upstairs. Downstairs.
Somewhere. What you late for?
‐ Yay. Hasn't started yet.
‐ Oh, God, not "Dancing on Ice."
‐ Ava, quick. It's starting.
New series. ‐ What?
‐ "Dancing on Ice." Go on, get your brother.
We'll miss the beginning. ‐ Where is he?
‐ I don't know. I just got here.
‐ Downstairs? ‐ Maybe.
‐ Could we maybe watch it later, Dad?
I'm in the middle of a game.
‐ Can't you pause it?
‐ It's tricky, because if the‐‐
it's just tricky to pause it on this level.
‐ All right, fine.
‐ Do I have to pause it? ‐ No, you don't have to
pause it, 'cause it's not Saudi Arabia.
But don't you want to watch the new series?
‐ I think I might be too old for that sort of stuff.
Sorry.
‐ Okay.
Ava, are you watching this with me, then?
‐ I might watch it later. ‐ Why not watch it live?
‐ It's fine. I don't mind watching it later.
‐ You know, when I was a kid, if you missed your program,
you literally had to wait
20 years till you could see it again.
‐ That's sounds horrible.
‐ It was horrible, to be fair.
There are still some episodes of "The Sweeney"
I've never seen.
But it also made you value the present moment.
[keyboard clacking]
[indistinct chatter on television]
Sorry, have I died, and no one's telling me?
‐ What? ‐ Nothing.
‐ And do the kids not want to watch it?
‐ No. Neither of them.
[indistinct chatter on television]
This is it, then.
‐ I guess they've grown out of it.
‐ Well, I haven't.
‐ It is a bit cheesy.
‐ Not when you watch it together, it isn't.
It becomes a different thing then.
It becomes our family thing.
Since when were we the kind of family that retreats
into separate rooms to look at separate screens?
‐ We were never gonna be the Waltons.
‐ I don't need us to be the Waltons, hon.
I'd make due with the Munsters at this point.
Or the fucking Manson family.
At least they had a shared interest.
‐ Why don't you just tell them to get their asses in here?
‐ 'Cause I want them to want to watch it.
I want it to be a consensual watch.
‐ Well, then I can't help you.
‐ Apparently not.
[mischievous music]
Night, Jim Bob.
♪ ♪
Ava: Dad, the internet's off. Luke: Dad!
Ally: Paul, is the internet down?
♪ ♪
Did you see I put in the inset day?
‐ Monday week? Yep, it's there in green.
And I have to take Ava to taekwondo later,
and Luke to Mum and Dad's
‐ Is that okay? Paul: Yeah.
If it's in green, it shall be done.
‐ Is it green on yours?
It's red on mine. That's funny.
‐ Hmm, yeah, it's definitely one for the memoirs.
‐ [chuckles]
[sighs]
‐ God, did you ever think you'd end up as a calendar person?
‐ What, tits out for WI? Vag behind a vase.
‐ I never had a Filofax, when everyone had Filofaxes.
Did you have a Filofax?
‐ No, I didn't have anything to organize.
‐ Those were the days.
‐ Ah, finally, that guy's replied about the pickups
for the Horror Channel ad. ‐ Right, better go, babe.
Come on, you two. Let's make a move, please.
Luke: All right. Ava: Coming.
‐ Yeah, bye.
‐ Why does Granddad always wait in the road for us like that?
‐ Don't pull on that thread, darling.
‐ Bob and Lynn are through that way, Luke.
‐ Okay.
‐ They just want a hand with a few last bits.
‐ All right. ‐ Thanks, son.
Nice of Luke to help.
‐ Yeah, he's a good kid. ‐ End of an era, this.
‐ Bob and Lynn have been here
almost as long as you, haven't they?
‐ Moved in two months after we did.
48 years ago. Never a cross word.
‐ Well, apart from that thing with the drains‐‐
‐ Never a cross word,
apart from that one isolated incident with the drains.
‐ You gonna be all right? ‐ Dad, we're gonna be late.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Ah, we'll be fine.
I used to know everybody on this street.
Now we're the last of the old guard,
invaded by the middle classes.
No net curtains and constant fucking building work.
I don't know them. Don't want to know them.
They've gone. He's a fucking lawyer.
Sue and Terry were evicted.
They downsized. She died.
He died. I don't know them.
She went into a care home.
She's an architect or something.
‐ I should probably get going, then.
‐ I think that fucker makes puppets.
‐ See you later. Ava: Bye, Granddad.
‐ Bye, love. [horn honks]
‐ [screams]
‐ That's great. ‐ Are we nearly done?
‐ No, not really. Sorry.
Look, I don't like working on a Saturday either,
but this is the only way we're gonna get through it all.
‐ My throat's getting a bit‐‐ ‐ Great.
So, the next few bits are, yeah, just more screaming.
So if you could really let rip,
then I'll‐‐I'll drop it in as needed.
‐ [screams] ‐ Yeah, that's good.
I guess just‐‐the more terrified you sound,
the better. So, I don't know,
imagine you've dropped your phone in the loo,
or you're being murdered. Whatever works.
‐ I missed that. Sorry? ‐ No, no, no, no.
No, no. Don't stop.
I'm saying brilliant screaming. Keep going.
Abigail: [screaming] ‐ Oh.
[phone vibrating]
Hi. ‐ Hi, I forgot to say
we need juice and milk, so can you‐‐
‐ No probs. How's your dad?
‐ Lamenting the social cleansing of London
by ponces like us.
Ally: Well, he has got a point.
‐ [sighs] Yeah, I guess so.
Anyway, we're just heading into taekwondo now.
‐ Oh. Paul: See you later.
‐ [screaming] ‐ That's great.
You can stop screaming now, Abigail.
How you doing? Oh.
‐ Haven't seen you do your taekwondo before.
‐ It's not ty‐KWON‐do, it's tae‐kwon‐DO.
‐ What? ‐ You keep saying it wrong.
‐ Ty‐KWON‐do. ‐ No, tae‐kwon‐DO.
Say it with me. Tae‐kwon.
‐ Judo. ‐ Dad, no.
‐ I'll live with mispronouncing it,
as will Japan.
‐ Korea. Hey, Emily.
instructor: Straighten that leg.
Good. Other side.
Really stretch. Just lean.
‐ Hus. Up and hus.
Not "and hus."
Up and hus. ‐ This is all wrong.
‐ Up and hus. ‐ Hey.
‐ Dad, what are you doing?
‐ I'm just saying hello.
‐ Go sit down. We're starting.
‐ Okay. I'm Paul.
‐ George. How are you doing?
First time at taekwondo?
‐ Yes, it is, yeah. ‐ Right!
‐ Fuck me. ‐ Sorry about that.
‐ I mean. ‐ Right, everyone.
We're gonna start with a warmup.
[speaking Korean]
‐ Taekwon. George: All right, guys.
Lean over to the left.
Deep lunge. Foot to the ceiling.
‐ That's not it. No, that's disgusting.
instructor: Stretch, guys.
[indistinct chatter]
Rasheed, your balance, Jocelyn, look out please.
Abigail: [screaming]
[tense music]
‐ I really appreciate you putting all this extra work in.
The Horror Channel guys have been‐‐
‐ Horror. ‐ Yes.
I was gonna say shits, but that's better.
‐ It's fine. I've been busy, but it's fine.
The kids are still alive. So is Paul, I think.
‐ Can be so tricky, can't it? Kids and all that.
Sometimes it's all just so intense.
We're all supposed to pretend like we cope so well,
but we're all of us screaming inside.
‐ Considering we're basically mammals with Nectar cards,
I think we do okay. ‐ Well, this is it.
You do what you can. I mean, we're not perfect.
My mother takes the twins two days a week,
and I just have to decide to be okay with that.
Not feel guilty.
‐ It's a nice thing. There's no need to feel guilty.
‐ There is a nanny, obviously, and a cleaner.
Not an au pair or anything, just a woman.
And the girl's mother has the same setup.
‐ How is Karen? ‐ Who the fuck cares?
‐ All right. ‐ Sorry, still raw.
Like that macrobiotic shit she feeds the kids.
‐ Are you still thinking of sending them
to boarding school?
‐ Nothing wrong with boarding school at seven.
That's what I did. ‐ At seven, though?
Aren't you scared it'll fuck them up?
‐ So would state school.
But at least it'll fuck them up in a way I can understand.
‐ Brilliant.
Abigail: [screaming]
in this new place of yours?
‐ We have, Jackie. Nice new boiler.
Jim: Great. Bob: Yeah, won't freeze.
And as it's a bungalow, won't fall down the stairs, either.
So that's two forms of possible death out the picture already.
‐ You're quids in. Paul: Hi, folks.
Bob: Oh, here they are.
‐ Thank you for letting us borrow your son, Paul.
‐ You're welcome. ‐ Look at this one.
‐ Hi, Granny. ‐ Shooting up, beautiful.
‐ Yeah, we're just waiting for our cab.
Having one last beer.
‐ End of an era. ‐ End of an era.
‐ It really is. End of an era.
‐ Do you know, I once caught your dad
up to no good with my Katrina in the shed.
‐ What were they doing? ‐ Just shed stuff.
‐ Uber's just getting here. Come on, Lynn.
‐ You will look after the roses, won't you, Jackie?
‐ I promise, Lynn. They'll be fine.
‐ I'd hate to think of them dying after all these years.
‐ As long as I'm alive, they'll be alive.
‐ Give Bob a hug, Dad.
‐ I couldn't. ‐ He's your oldest friend.
‐ Come on, you old sod. Hug me.
First hug in 40 years.
‐ And don't expect any more, you sentimental old bastard.
‐ Bye, then.
‐ Bye, Bob. I'll miss you, pal.
‐ Yeah. Come on, Lynn.
‐ Bye, Lynn. Good luck in your new place.
‐ Take care, Lynn. ‐ Good luck!
[gentle music]
♪ ♪
‐ So, you put your photo in. ‐ And the filter makes you
look like a bear or a rabbit or whatever.
‐ So that's you, Granddad. But you look like a badger.
‐ What you think?
‐ I think they should bring back national service.
‐ Right, come on, you two. Let's go home, please.
Get in the car. both: Shotgun.
‐ Why can't you both just sit in the back?
‐ What's the point of that?
‐ I don't know, a sense of family unity.
‐ But I called shotgun.
Ava: I did first.
‐ Yeah, to be fair, mate, she was first.
Hey. You all right, Mum?
‐ I've been doing Lynn's roses for years.
Since she got arthritis in her hands
and couldn't work the‐‐oh, what are they called, Jim?
‐ Secateurs. ‐ Secateurs.
So, I'd nip in and do some deadheading or pruning.
Well, she loves her roses.
‐ Bob couldn't give a shit. ‐ No.
Lynn loved them, though.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ And I've promised her
that I'd make sure that they'd be kept nice.
Do you think the new neighbors will look after them?
‐ How could I possibly know that?
‐ Apparently, they're young professionals.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ So that doesn't sound too bad.
‐ Would you have a word, Paul? ‐ What, with the new neighbors?
‐ You can speak middle class. We can't.
‐ It would put my mind at rest.
‐ Yeah, sure. Once they move in,
I'll pop over and have a word about the flowers, yeah.
‐ Thanks so much, love. ‐ It's all right, Mum.
‐ All right. Fuck me, a hug.
‐ I'm getting a taste for them after hugging Bob.
Like when I discovered French bread pizzas.
‐ We wouldn't eat anything else.
‐ The tomato melts the roof of your mouth.
Then the crusts embed themselves in it.
But it's worth it.
‐ Good story, innit?
See you soon. Love you.
‐ We love you.
‐ Who's that?
[bright music]
♪ ♪
[laughter]
‐ What's so funny? ‐ We're on Discord.
‐ Is that a game? ‐ Chat server.
‐ My friend Andrew's so stupid.
‐ He reckons that Roblox is better than Minecraft,
just 'cause he's never seen an ender dragon.
‐ He doesn't even have a Switch.
He plays on his mum's iPad.
And he's not allowed to watch Mobile Suit Gundam Wing,
'cause of all the boobs. But he still does.
‐ You're right, that is really funny.
[door closes]
Ava: Hi, Mum.
‐ Hi. ‐ Hi, love.
How was your day? ‐ Oh, you know.
How about you? ‐ Same.
I got us all some fried chicken, though.
‐ Ooh, greasy‐‐I've missed eating out of the bucket.
‐ Thought we could watch "Dancing on Ice."
Not live, you know, but beggars can't be choosers.
‐ I might eat mine at the table, if that's okay.
‐ No, hang on, hang on.
Eat it on your lap in front of the telly.
‐ Yeah, I was gonna go to my area.
‐ We're all knackered, Paul.
‐ No, come on, come on. Don't just disperse.
You know, we're a family. Why don't we, for once,
just watch the same screen at the same time?
‐ I'm not hugely in the mood, to be honest.
‐ I've got homework.
‐ Yeah, so have I. ‐ Fuck homework.
We're watching telly. All right, I'm not asking much.
I'm not saying let's have parlor games
or play Trivial Pursuit or Rounders.
But I am asking‐‐I'm fucking ordering you shithouses
to sit down, eat this barely warm, batter‐y chicken,
and look in the same fucking direction.
‐ What happened to consent?
‐ Can I have some coleslaw, please?
Thank you. Thanks, babe.
[upbeat cheesy music]
♪ ♪
Right, well, this is shit. Go on, then.
Fuck off to your screens.
I mean it. Go.
♪ ♪
‐ These fake turns‐‐ ‐ Don't.
Just don't. [cheers and applause]
[relaxed music]
♪ ♪
‐ [sighs]
Hello, hi. My parents live next door,
and I was wonder‐‐ I'm Paul, by the way.
I was wondering, are you a gardener,
or is your partner a gardener, if you have one?
Sorry, I realize this is a strange question.
‐ We haven't really thought about the garden yet.
We've only just moved in. ‐ Right, well.
The thing is that my mum promised the previous tenant
that she would look after her roses,
and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
if she occasionally popped in to do that.
‐ Uh... Sure.
Yeah, I suppose.
If she‐‐she won't come in the house, will she?
‐ No, no, there's a‐‐there's a side gate in the back garden
that she can use; you won't know even know she's there.
She's not a looney.
She just promised her friend, you know.
‐ Yeah, sure, no problem. ‐ Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Yeah. Sorry.
♪ ♪
‐ Oh, great. You're here.
‐ Yeah. Got you this.
‐ Oh, thanks. Are you having an affair?
‐ What? ‐ The coffee.
You haven't done that in months.
‐ Can't I just do a nice thing
and not be having an affair? ‐ I mean, I guess.
‐ She's called Roxie, and she makes me feel alive,
okay? ‐ [chuckles]
‐ Right, so what are we doing, then, sweets stall?
‐ Well, I am.
I think you're over there, on Lucky Dip.
‐ Oh, so we're not together.
‐ You know how it is. They like to split us up,
in that divide and conquer kind of way.
‐ Oh. ‐ You know George.
‐ Yeah, of course.
Yeah, we're massive taekwondo mates, aren't we?
‐ Yes. Hello.
‐ Hello, mate. All right.
Okay, so I'll be over there.
See you in a minute. ‐ Yeah.
[bright jazzy music]
♪ ♪
‐ That's it.
That's it. Dig deep, son.
Who knows what could be hidden at the bottom there.
An iPhone, 30 grand in use notes, raisins.
[phone ringing] Oh, excuse me.
Ally: [laughing] ‐ Hello.
Yeah, speaking.
Sorry, who is this?
‐ Yes, right, so two of those, one of those,
and a couple of those, please. ‐ Okay.
Can I interest you in an extra gobstopper for 20p?
‐ George, back me up. Two cola keeps
and a couple of caramel wafers, please.
‐ These sweets are selling like‐‐
well, I was gonna say hotcakes,
but I'm looking over at Christine on baked goods,
and to be honest it's a graveyard.
‐ She's so miserable. That's the trouble.
The kids think all the cake's poisoned.
[phone ringing] Sorry.
Paul?
‐ Someone called the cops on my mum.
Ally: Police? Why?
‐ I don't know. It's this garden thing.
I've got to go sort it. Ally: Okay.
Well, let me know how it goes. Give her my love.
Bye. Sorry.
‐ Back to work. We have a queue forming.
‐ Right.
More sugar for your developing brains and teeth, yay!
‐ Yay. ‐ What can I get you?
♪ ♪
‐ Thanks a lot, mate. Sorry about that.
Hello, did you call the police on my mum?
‐ Oh, I thought she was lost.
You see an elderly woman in your garden,
and you think she might have‐‐well, not escaped,
but wandered off, maybe, from a facility.
‐ Well, that's my mum, who's also your neighbor.
And I spoke to your girlfriend about her
coming to do the roses, and she said it was fine.
‐ I don't have a girlfriend.
One of my housemates, maybe?
Martina? Ema? Nadia?
‐ I don't know. She was going for a run.
Brown hair. ‐ Martina.
I haven't seen her today. I think she's on her run?
‐ What, still?
‐ Look, I'm sorry if I upset your mum.
It was just a weird situation, and I thought the authorities
would be able to deal with it better than me.
‐ Yeah, no, I understand that. ‐ Those are nice roses.
Tell your mum we'll look after them ourselves.
‐ It's just a thing that she's become focused on, you know,
because her friend went away, and so the roses are symbolic.
‐ I get it. Trust me.
We'll take care of them.
‐ All right, thank you.
Hey, Mum. It's all sorted.
‐ I wasn't burgling. I was pruning.
I couldn't climb in a window anyway, not with these legs.
‐ No, I know, the police understand what happened,
and I've just spoken to one of the 700 people
who live next door.
‐ Oh, okay, and?
‐ He said he'd look after the roses.
‐ But will he do it properly, though?
Oh, Lynn's gonna be so upset. ‐ Don't tell her.
She doesn't need to know. She won't remember.
‐ I'm not sure you can reasonably expect
to go and fiddle around in someone's garden anyway, Mum.
I just don't think that's gonna work, you know, going forward.
‐ She asked me, though. ‐ But the thing is,
they've moved away now, sweetheart.
Here, have a hug.
‐ You're fucking hug mad these days, aren't you?
‐ [laughs]
‐ Why did they move, Lynn and Bob?
They always seem so sprightly.
‐ Well, Lynn's got dementia. Early stages.
They needed sheltered housing, you know, somewhere with
a warden and all that. ‐ Oh.
‐ Do you ever get the feeling that everybody's...
missing each other a bit?
‐ Well, it's the modern curse, isn't it?
We're all on our own islands, like Branson.
[indistinct chatter]
‐ Jesus Christ.
Can't we just have one horsecocking conversation?
Jesus wept.
Ava: [laughs]
‐ Ally, come and look at this.
[laughter]
‐ [humming] ‐ All right, that's good.
Now spin, now spin. ‐ Okay.
‐ And again!
[indistinct chatter] Ally: What are they watching?
Sweet.
‐ And I'll pick you up on the second one.
‐ They are shit at it, though, aren't they?
‐ Oh. ‐ Absolutely, yeah.
‐ It's fucking awful.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪