Hi. What do you think?
I think he's everything I've ever wanted.
Oh, motherfucking... Be fucking reasonable, you prick!
I see for next time what to do.
My job, Mummy's job, is to keep you and Ava safe.
That's like our only job.
It's what mums and dads are for.
Shut the fuck up with the splashing!
I just want what's best for the kids.
The bottom line is, I don't want the kids to turn out like me.
-I don't want them to turn out-- -Like you?
Fuck off! It would be fantastic
if they turned out like me, I'm great.
Leo's mom told me you were smoking
-in their gazebo. -What's a gazebo?
I don't fucking know, do I?
We were never gonna be the Waltons.
I don't need us to be the Waltons,
I'll make do with the Munsters at this point.
Or the fucking Manson Family.
At least they had a shared interest.
-I'm not angry. -I'm angry!
If you're looking for someone who's angry, I'm fucking angry!
Just chill out a little bit.
No, I'm chill. I'm just the Chablis.
You're the unchill one.
Screw you, Luke,
and this fucking attitude.
None of this stuff was in the baby manual, was it?
This isn't bath temperatures.
Or mixing formula.
Where is our fucking manual now?
I would die for those kids, Ally.
But often, I also wanna kill them.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Luke?
I'm asking you a question. What the fuck is wrong with you?
[Paul] No, I'm sorry, I'm not stopping.
-He needs a poo. -I do need a poo.
The thing is, mate, you often, really often,
say that you need one, and it turns out to be a false flag.
We should stop at the services. Be on the safe side.
-We'll miss the ferry. -We can get the next one.
Mm-mm. Not necessarily. We're meant to be on the 2:15,
right? That's our booking. Also, if we do stop,
he won't be able to go.
I can 100 percent guarantee that.
-I'll poo! -Yeah, I know you will, my darling.
We can always rely on you to poo.
It's much appreciated.
I'd pop one out too, to be fair.
-[sighs] -Come on, Paul. [laughs]
-Come on, there's still time. -I'll do another one.
-Oh! He's green! -The Hulk.
-No! -No, no.
He's an ogre. Lives in a...
-Shrek! Yes! -Yes! Yes!
-Time's up. -What... Oh, fuck...
[Ally] Luke, how many was that? Was it six?
-Eight! -Eight! [gags]
-Yes! -Fighting tall.
All right, Mum, you'll go.
All right... it's gonna be amazing.
-Right. Three, two, one. Go! -Three, two, one. Go!
-Okay. -Right.
War, war man. Big war man.
-Braveheart? -No.
[stutters] Wilfred Owen. Spartacus.
-No, he won the war. -Well, Spartacus won.
-No, he didn't. -Morally.
-Focus, Mum! -I am focused! He won, didn't he?
-[Paul] Do the voice. -He didn't. It was a rebellion.
-[Paul] Do the voice... -But this is like a war? Similar?
[Paul] "Never in the field of human conflict."
Do a cigar, mime a fucking cigar...
[Ava] Babies! All babies are like him!
-[Ally] Winston Churchill! -[Luke] Yes!
[Ally] Oh, no! No. Right, how many did I get?
-[Luke] One. -[Ally] No.
Well, I'm gonna write 100...
[Luke] That's because you spent the whole time going on about Spartacus.
[Ally] Very good!
-[Luke] That's it! Spartacus. -[Ally] Sure.
[Luke] Well, I think it's safe to say I won.
-[Ava] Really? Did you, though? -All right, smarty.
[Luke] Yeah, because it says it there.
-[Ava] Maybe it's wrong. -Should we do that again?
I think I've learned how to do it. Think I'm gonna be amazing.
-[Luke] Right, you won. -[Ally] It's all about the winning.
[sighs] Right.
You mean it's infinitely fucking better without me.
[Ally] You've been in like...
[Luke] No, but you got two and I got eight...
[cheerful chatter continues]
[Luke] Oh, you need seven more. Seven more.
[Ally] We probably we should get more so...
Yeah, It's kind of weird.
Uh, being in two separate places, sharing one car.
It's all a bit odd. It really is.
Peculiar. We're not judging, Paul.
It is a peculiar set-up.
Your son won't allow you to live in your own house.
No. It's more complicated than that, Dad.
Right. I see.
Look, I'm choosing, currently,
to stay at Leah's while she's on honeymoon,
so that Luke has a chance to sort himself out.
As you know, he and I have had a weird time a bit.
-[Jackie] He punched you. -He did punch me, yeah.
-He didn't mean it. -I think he might have, Mom.
But at the moment, you're not allowed through your own front door?
It's not a question of being "allowed" through the door.
It's like the parable of the Three Little Pigs.
-Is it? -No, it's not, when I think about it.
You're not threatening to blow the house down and cook Luke.
No, but anyway,
the Three Little Pigs isn't a parable, is it?
No, no, it's not, is it?
No. I can't really see Jesus Christ
preaching about a little pig's chinny-chin-chin.
Well, he was Jewish wasn't he, Jesus?
So pigs would have been persona non grata.
[singing in tune of "Alleluia"] Fucking hell.
The Three Billy Goats Gruff,
I can imagine Jesus telling that one.
Yep.
Yeah. Hmm.
Is that Hawaii?
[Younger Luke] Hurry up! It's coming out!
[Paul] Okay, okay. Well, I need to park the car, don't I, Luke?
-[Younger Luke] Hurry up! -[Ally] Go. I'll take Ava
to get some sweets or something.
[Younger Luke] Dad! Please! It's happening!
[Paul] Yeah, all right! All right, fucksake.
[Ally] Bag! Get your bag!
[Paul] Bag, all right, yes.
Can everybody just stop fucking panicking, please?
Right! On we go! Let's go!
You all right? Just hold it a minute. Okay.
[chuckles]
[Ava] I know you can hear me.
I just want to say that...
even though it looks like we're all pretty happy here...
I'm not.
I'm not happy here.
It just doesn't feel like my home without you in it.
I just want you to come back.
I love you, Dad.
[Paul] Ava! Bed! Come on!
Oh.
[Younger Luke] I can't go.
Have you got my Lovers' Rock playlist?
It helps me poo.
Yeah, sure, it's on my phone.
-One sec, mate, just looking for it in my bag, all right. -Thanks, Dad.
I thought you were desperate. I thought it was coming out?
It's gone back in again.
Has it? [clicks tongue]
Oh, fuck.
Luke, I'm really sorry, mate, but my phone's in the car.
-No! -Well, we were rushing, weren't we?
You were about to go off like a fucking dirty bomb.
I'm sorry, I thought it was in my bag.
Can you go get it?
No, I can't leave you here on your own, can I?
Could you sing one of the songs?
-Could I? -From my playlist.
It really helps me poo.
Could you sing "Night Nurse"?
No. I can't do that, I'm sorry.
[Young Luke crying]
♪ Night nurse...
Man!
♪ Only you alone Can quench this here thirst ♪
♪ My night nurse
[Younger Luke] Could you sing it like the man sings it?
Mate, I am not doing the fucking accent.
♪ The pain is getting worse
-Hey. -Oh. Thanks.
I'm sorry. That I couldn't...
No, I couldn't either.
It just felt wrong
trying to have sex at your mother's house.
It's Shakespearean.
It'll be nice to have sex in our actual house again.
No, I know.
You realize how unhappy Ava is
with this whole mad arrangement?
-Has she told you that? -Kind of, yeah.
I know that you all looked like you were happy,
when you were playing the game,
with the phones on your foreheads...
-What? -The name game. You were Winston Churchill.
-How do you know about that? -Huh?
-Because the... -What?
That little security... Yeah, because the security camera that we had put in
after Leah was burgled.
Fuck. Were you spying on us?
I'm not spying. Spying. Viewing.
Was Peering. Not peering...
-Fucking hell, Paul. -I know. But I just wanna feel
like I'm still part of this family. All right?
And at the moment, it feels like you're all better off without me.
I haven't seen Luke laugh like that for ages.
-[sighs] -I get it.
Look, let's try a meal, let's...
you know, have our tea together as a family in our house,
and see how it goes.
I'll speak to Luke.
-Oh, will you speak to Luke? -Yeah.
Ally, can't you see, this is absolutely mental.
-Letting Luke have this much power. He's 13. -No, I know it's odd...
Christ, I have swallowed every belief,
every instinct that I've got in order to make this work right,
but I'm sorry, I need to be able to be in my own fucking house.
I am not the big bad wolf. I'm not a troll
under the Billy Goats' bridge...
-What? -Nothing.
[laughs]
-You know what I mean. -I do.
Fucking troll. [laughs]
Okay.
What do you want to drink?
-Uh, mango juice. -Mango juice.
I don't think they've got any mango juice.
Yes, there is. At the back.
At the back.
Oh. Aha.
Here, I've hunted one down like a cavewoman.
Ava? Ava!
Ava!
Ava? Has anyone seen a child on their own? A little girl on her own?
Ava! Sorry, um, have you seen my daughter?
She's got brown hair, she's about 7, she's wearing a pink jacket.
Has anyone seen a child on their own?
Have you seen my daughter? She's 7 years old, she was on her own.
Ava! Ava! Ava! Ava!
Ava!
-[Young Luke] Thanks again, Dad. -[Paul] You are welcome, mate.
I'm glad it works.
Did the other men give you a funny look?
Eh...yeah, a bit of a funny look. But, you know, sod 'em.
Yeah! Sod 'em.
♪ Night Nurse
♪ Only you alone can quench this here thirst ♪
♪ Night Nurse...
Jesus. Six missed calls from Mum?
It's very nice, thank you.
So, Luke, you doing engineering?
That's--That's great.
Mm-hmm.
Really good.
It's all computer modeling these days.
No big spanners or hissing boilers.
Hmm.
And I mean, I can still do History,
the lessons don't clash, so.
Right.
Well, an engineer in the family.
Oh! That'll do.
Or a historian. You know, either works.
It's good to have you back in the house, Dad.
Thank you.
It is lovely to be back just for a bit.
Oh, Paul, I'm going to need the car again on Monday,
so could you drop it off tomorrow and then get an Uber back to Leah's?
Sure, yeah.
Or I was thinking
that maybe I could stay here tonight?
Right. Luke?
Okay.
-You okay? -Yeah.
I mean, that's weirdly uncontroversial.
Maybe this evening actually worked.
Maybe I'm a genius.
-Eh...maybe. -[laughs]
[Security Officer] Just keep scanning the screens,
see if you can spot Ava.
I should be out there searching.
Our whole team is out there, sir.
I'm gonna go out there now...
[Security Officer] Exits are being monitored.
Every area is being methodically searched.
Now, you say she was wearing a pink top and blue jeans.
-Uh, yeah. Yeah? -Yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That girl there.
No, no... she hasn't got one of those jackets.
-[Paul sighs] -Is Ava going to be okay, Dad?
-Has someone kidnapped her? -No, no, no.
Nobody's done that, no.
Okay, I don't understand why you're not shutting everything down?
-You should be shutting down. -They have procedures, Paul.
Okay, how's this for procedure? Seal the exits, right?
Search every square inch of the place.
I realize this sort of thing probably happens here every single day,
but I don't care, because this is our little girl.
So where is our little girl?
I do want to wear it.
Well, you shouldn't have lost it.
These jackets cost a lot of money.
No, they don't.
No, they don't, but we need to be able
to pick you out in a crowd. Okay?
We don't want you going missing.
Now, on you get.
Twenty-six, 27, 28, 29...
Jack, don't push your face up against the window. Thank you.
Twenty-nine, 30, 31...
We are 30, right? I've not gone mad?
30. Yeah. Three zero.
Right, okay.
I think we might have picked up a stowaway.
Funk off!
[Ally] We should get bowls. We're not animals.
[Paul] No, bowls are bourgeois. We're keeping it real.
I bet this is how Karl Marx used to eat ice cream.
[laughs] Yeah.
Him and Engels having a sleepover in their jim-jams.
-Luke? -I've rung for a taxi.
I'm staying at Jacob's.
-You what? -Nothing's changed.
I can't be in the same house as you. I've already told you this.
No, I'm sorry, Dad, but I need to stay somewhere else
if you're coming back.
Luke, unpack your bag, okay?
I'll go back to Leah's and you can stay here.
-No, Dad. -No, listen,
he needs to be at home, darling.
-Well, I need you to be at home. -I'm sorry.
Luke, go and unpack your bag and get ready for bed. Yeah?
[dramatic music]
[Gabby] Hi.
Hi. Just double-checking you're not a burglar.
-Nope, I'm definitely not a burglar. -Great.
Although that's precisely the sort of thing a burglar would say.
True. Although I guess a burglar
doesn't generally sort out your recycling.
[laughs] Yeah.
We're just being extra curtain twitchy
because Leah's house was broken into.
No, of course, yeah, I'm Paul,
Leah's son-in-law.
I'm staying here 'cause-- um...
Yeah, I'm house-sitting, just keeping the place warm
while Leah and Alex are on honeymoon.
Nice to meet you. I'm Gabby.
Ah, I wouldn't say that.
-Oh, you're making a joke. -Yeah, of course.
So, are you here for the next couple of days?
Yeah. I think now I'm... definitely here until they get back.
Just rattling around on my own.
Oh, if you're at a loose end tomorrow,
my sister's coming for lunch. And our parents
were supposed to join us but they can't now
and so, I've massively over-catered.
You'd be very welcome to join us.
-Where are you? Are you here? -Yeah, just there.
Well, thank-- yeah. Thank you very much.
Yeah, that sounds lovely. I'd love to go.
-Wonderful. -Okay.
Okay, around 1:30?
1:30. Yeah, sure. I'll bring some wine?
No need. But, yes, please do. A nice one.
Yeah, I'll spend well over four quid.
-Fancy. -Yes.
[dramatic music]
Mummy!
Ava, sweetheart, we were so worried. Oh, my God.
Okay. Ava, what the hell were you playing at?
Running off like that.
Jesus Christ. What have we told you?
Answer me, what have we told you?
You never do that again!
You got it? Ever!
We thought you were dead!
Do you understand me?
We thought someone had taken you
-and you were dead! -Dad?
You never do that again. Okay?
Right, should we go and be late for this ferry.
[ominous music]
Let's go.
[laughter]
-It really is. -Really?
-It actually is. -[laughter]
-How do you know that? -[Gabby] I read it.
-Really? -On Google.
[laughs]
Yes, if it melts. Completely fat.
These roast potatoes are Michelin-star gab.
I've done far too many though.
There's no such thing as too many roast potatoes.
Eh? No, I could eat roast potatoes...
I mean, I think I could eat them continually, forever.
Until my inevitable death from, I don't know...
-Blight. -[laughter]
That would be embarrassing on your tombstone, wouldn't it?
This is very good wine for 4 pounds.
I think legally you need to call it "wine-style drink."
-4 pounds? -It's an in-joke.
-Haven't you two just met? -More?
No, I'm good, thanks, I need to drive in a bit.
So, any other siblings?
No, it's just us. We've always been close.
No, actually, I hated you for a bit
when I was a teenager, didn't I?
See, my two are at that stage now.
My boy's 13 and Ava's 10,
but they still seem to be mates, just about.
I hope. For now.
I haven't, uh...
yeah, I haven't spent that much time with them, lately.
Oh.
Are you separated?
No, no, it's just, um,
families, innit?
-It's complicated. -Oh, God, yeah.
Don't get me started on my divorce.
-Okay then, we won't. -[laughs]
-Can I go now? -Sure.
Is everything okay?
Ava? Ava?
No.
No, of course it isn't.
Of course, it's not okay.
Dad's not here. And that makes me really sad
but no one cares because I'm not Luke
and Luke is the only one that matters.
-That is not true. -You know that having Dad here
makes my anxiety worse.
I don't care about your anxiety.
Great. Thanks.
Why does it always have to be about you
and your stupid anxiety?
Why is it always about your feelings?
Maybe other people are anxious and depressed
but we don't whine and whinge about it.
Ava, Luke's anxiety is as real as any other illness
-and calling it "whining" is... -I'm sad, Mom. I'm miserable.
I hate my life.
But that doesn't matter because you're on Luke's side.
-No, you are being silly. -Oh, I'm being silly,
and he's having deep feelings.
Why are you behaving like this?
Right. Because I'm normally the good one, the quiet one.
Don't worry, I'll go back to being silent.
Can I go now?
Yeah. Of course.
Looks like we're going to make the ferry. So that's good.
Mm-hmm.
-Hi. -Hi.
I'm not stopping, I'm just leaving the car keys
and getting an Uber back to Leah's.
Okay.
Look, I'm sorry. That all of this is going on.
Ava's really upset.
Well, it doesn't have to go on, does it?
Um, yeah, it does.
Yeah. For how long, though?
Um, one month? Six months? Forever?
I don't know. I just can't live
with the rage any more. It's been years of it.
-Years of it? -[Luke] Yes, years.
At home, on holiday, trips out, at the shops,
I always seemed to make you angry.
-What time? We used to go there a lot. -We went there four times.
In theme park terms four times is a lot.
The first time we went there, I wanted a lolly
and you queued up for 15 minutes
and then I said you got the wrong lolly, and then I dropped the lolly.
And I got angry. Yeah. And to be fair, mate,
that would have made Gandhi flip his fucking lid.
No, but it was the level of your rage.
When you were focused in on me it felt like you wanted to kill me.
Well, that's not how I remember it, Luke. Really.
I remember getting proportionately angry at you
for being unbelievably annoying over a fucking lolly.
-I'm not trying to get at you. -No?
I 'm just trying to explain what it's like to be around you
when you react in the way you do.
Like that time when Ava went missing at the service station.
-Oh... -When she was finally found,
Mum's first reaction was to hug her...
Mm-hmm.
Yours was to shout at her.
-I remember it so clearly. -Do you?
Hmm.
And that's your only memory from that day, is it?
That's the only thing you remember? There's nothing else?
No. But it's a pretty massive memory.
Yeah. It is.
Yeah, it is.
My car's nearly here, mate, I'm gonna go.
Um...
See you soon. Take care.
♪ Night nurse
♪ Only you alone Can quench this here thirst ♪
♪ My night nurse...
[end theme]