[window motor whirring]
Luke, can you stop doing that, mate?
What the fuck is wrong with you, Luke?
I'm asking you a question. What the fuck is wrong with you?
-Sorry. It was just a bit... -No, sure.
[clears throat] Thank you. Appreciate it.
-Shall we put some music on? -Yeah.
-Mmm. -[speaks indistinctly]
-You in? -Yeah.
-[blues music playing] -[chuckles]
-Nice one, mate. -Yeah.
It's going to be a good day.
♪ I just can't help it
♪ When we dance real close, you see ♪
♪ I just can't help it
[Ally] Ahh-- Ooh!
Ah, here it comes. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
-Get the sign up, Luke. [cheering]
-Isn't this a bit stupid? -Yeah, it is
but so are lots of things, and we do them anyway.
-Hey! [laughs] -Hey!
Ohh!
-Darling! -Welcome back home, Mom!
[Paul] Nice to see you. Nice to see you.
Hi, Alex! How was the honeymoon?
It was amazing. We had a villa with a pool.
The views were breathtaking.
-And Croatia looked okay too. -Oh, you old dog!
Croatia has had such a troubled history.
-But it's so lovely and sunny. -That's what-- that's what matters.
We took a boat trip to the island of Brac.
Amazing. Sky and sea almost the same color.
Come and have a coffee and tell us all about it.
Hey, Alex, can I help with the cases?
No, I think I'm good.
Maybe if you just bring in Leah's handbag.
Oh, yes. Yeah, sure.
Fuck. Shit. Shit.
Fucking hell. Ooh. Ally!
-Ally! -Yeah?
-[wheezing] -Oh!
So, we meet again, Mr. Bond.
No, no, seriously. I've done my back. Can you help me, please?
God, I'm so sorry. Luke, get the bag!
-Hold me up. -Yeah, okay. Get your Dad's bag.
-Ow! Fucking hell, Luke! -Sorry, I was just trying to--
I don't care! All right, I don't care! Okay.
Nobody touch me. Nobody touch me. Thank you very much.
[inhales]
[groaning]
This is the worst it's ever been.
It's like having a hot poker running
from my arsehole to my eyebrows.
-Is this the one? -That's it. Granny's drug bag.
Jesus Christ, Mom! Are you an army medic?
You don't get to my age without accumulating a few pills and potions.
This one's very nice. Very mellow.
Goes well with a white wine.
And this one's an absolute beast.
Don't walk too far on that.
It turns the world into a sort of maze.
Stop it, Mom! Paul, you need to see a doctor.
An actual doctor. Not Dr. Trainspotting here.
I can't go to the doctor if I can't fucking move, can I?
Mm. Ah! I'm so sorry about this, Leah.
This was meant to be your--
Fucking Ada! Your moment.
-[groans] -Oh. So the honeymoon.
How was it?
Awful.
-What? -[Leah] Alex is too nice.
He's lovely to everybody all the fucking time.
Always smiling, always chatting,
listening to everyone's boring life stories.
It can't have been that bad.
It was. I'm married to Jesus
and now I know why they crucified him.
Stop it, Mom! He's gonna hear you.
No, he won't. He's out there putting his silly car to bed.
He wouldn't hear a suicide bomb.
Oh, there he goes. Testing the horn.
What's the time? We need to go and get Ava from church group.
-No, no, stay there. -No, it's fine. I think I'll be okay.
Just give me some... I don't wanna be late for her.
[Leah] Take lots more codeine, Paul.
200 milligrams. Just an aperitif.
I'll take these out. These and painkillers.
you'll start talking to your own ghost.
Otherwise, pick and mix, whatever it takes.
-Stop dealing drugs, Mom. -Phew!
Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So has, um--God. Has Leah been on opioids
the whole time I've known her?
Christ, what would she be like if she hadn't been?
Oh, shit, it's gone five. I'm gonna drop you guys off
and then I'm gonna go and get Ava from church group.
Luke, don't forget to do the dishwasher. It's your job.
-[groans] Oh, God almighty! -Speed bump! Sorry.
-Not your fault. -I was going a bit fast.
Okay, it's your fault.
-Luke! Luke! -Yeah.
[groans] Mate, can you get me a glass of water?
-Okay. How's your back? -Oh, still shit, if I'm honest.
I don't think Granny Leah's magic drug bag is working.
Cheers, mate. Could you do the dishwasher, as well, Mom said...
[Luke] Can I do it later? I've got to do my history project.
Oh, yeah. No problem.
Luke, grab a drink, will you? Come and hang out for a bit.
-There's only beers in here. -Have a beer then. You're nearly 15.
-I'm 13. -I know.
Attaboy.
Cheers.
-Sit down. -But my project.
Don't worry about that. I'll help you.
Ahh. Sit down. Watch a bit of telly.
Chill out, man. Chillax.
People used to say that, didn't they? Twat-people.
Come on. I won't bite. I've just having some trouble with me coccyx.
Mmm! Missus.
Where's the zapper?
Oh, Daffy. A little bit of Daffy.
A little bit of Daffy.
Here's one. What do you call an exploding duck?
-What? -It's a joke. Ask me.
Oh, I don't know. What do you call an exploding duck?
A fire-quacker. [laughs]
[wheezing laugh]
[laughing louder]
Oh, God. That is fucking funny.
He's a fucking fire-quacker. Oh, man.
Yeah. Better have another...
Although to be fair, I'm not sure they're working...
[grunts] ...at all.
Placebos, I think.
[sniffles] Placebos.
P-- Plah-seee-bohz.
Here are. The Queen!
Right. I think we're on. There we go.
It's "Hamilton" in the making.
-Love it! -[laughs]
Nice turn and corner.
You might get a permanent job here, you know--
Mom!
-Hi! -Hi.
Did you have a good time?
[laugh]
Well, the fire alarm went off and Ava said, as a joke,
that it meant the rapture was about to happen
and one of the other kids burst into tears.
I had to assure them there's no such thing as a rapture alarm.
If there was I think it would make a different sound.
Yeah, like, less electronic, more angelic.
Yeah.
Um, Ava, Why don't you run and grab your bag.
-Nice to see you again. -Yeah. You too.
So, um, how's Ava getting on, you know, with the...
With the what?
Well, when I got my first period,
I stayed in bed for a week with a ton of Dairy Milk.
She hasn't told you, has she?
Told who what?
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't want to be another worry.
-You've got lot of problems. -Yeah, no, I know I have,
but I'm always here to talk to you, okay? Whatever else is going on.
Okay. Thanks.
-Did it help, talking to Susie? -Yeah.
Good. I'm so pleased.
[blowing raspberry]
[Paul] Oh, is that? No.
Right, so you press that to shoot.
-This one? Whoa. -Yeah.
-No! -No!
-You've shot yourself. -Fuckin' hell!
-[Ally] Hi. -Hey!
-Hi! -Hi!
Luke, is that a beer?
Yeah, Dad said I could have it.
Dad's off his head on back pills.
Go and get your stuff ready for tomorrow, please.
-Can I finish my beer? -No.
You've got school tomorrow. And you're a child.
Pew! Ava, how was church group?
-It's fine. -Oh.
Hey, I'm all right.
[groaning and gasping]
-Is Ava okay? -She's got her period.
Oh, wow. Well, good for her.
Last week and she didn't even mention it.
-Who to? -To me! Her mom!
Oh, Jesus, Paul, make a doctor's appointment.
This is weird as hell having you back in the house,
but ripped to the tits on expired valium.
It's just for a few days. A distraction from the pain
while nature does its healing thing.
Then Bob's your uncle.
Isn't that a weird phrase. "Bob's your uncle."
Oh, for... Luke!
You haven't emptied the fucking dishwasher!
"Bob's your uncle."
-[clanking] -[murmuring]
We're up shit creek, in a pedalo, with no feet.
We mustn't give up, though, Darren.
No. Absolutely not. We plough on.
No, soldier on. It's sexier.
I can't believe Ava didn't tell me.
Oh, I mean, I guess I don't have a right to know. Or do I?
Well, I don't know the menstrual status of any of the women in my life.
Sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.
I feel like the U.S. military under Clinton.
I mean, I know a lot of parents do make a big deal out of it.
Americans, mainly, mmm.
They celebrate everything, don't they?
Gender reveals, Sweet 16, "prom."
I mean, kids can't go for a shit these days
without their parents turning up with a pinata and a petting zoo.
-Ah-ha! -What?
We could asked the staff to resign,
then go self-employed, and we could...
No, that's a tiny bit...
-Illegal? -Tiny bit.
-[Ally] Ava! Food! -[Ava] I'm not hungry!
Well, everyone's here and I'd like you to join us, please.
We've got profiteroles! Your favorites.
She's been having a bit of a rough week.
Here they come. Hopalong Cassidy and his mate!
[Jim] Hey, if ever I get that bad,
just shove us down the stairs and be done with it.
I might not be many things, but I am mobile.
Ah, fuck me. That's good.
-Still on my pills, Paul? -[Ally] Yes, he is.
And he needs to pack it in and go and see a proper doctor.
It's lovely having you all under one roof again.
Paul's been helping Luke with his history project.
-The Vietnam War. -Oh, is that interesting, Luke?
It blows your mind. All those lives lost.
It goes to show that violence never makes things better.
Yeah, well, not necessarily, I mean, look at World War II.
Violence made things better there.
And, well, actually, you punching me in the face,
that made things better in the end, didn't it?
[heavy breathing]
No? Right.
-Paul, enough with the cheese. -Yeah?
You've already got plenty of cheese. Put the cheese down.
You okay?
Luke, I'm sorry, mate. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I've had quite a lot of Tramadol. Didn't want to embarrass you.
-My apologies. -So, let's change the subject then.
I hear you've had a bit of a rough week, Ava.
-You told granddad? -No, I didn't. I promise.
Did you tell everyone? Make a big announcement to the table?
-"Ava got her period!" -I knew nothing.
I didn't say anything, sweetheart.
It's nothing to be ashamed of these days.
My mother never talked about it.
For the first five years, I stuffed a hankie in my pants
-and assumed I was dying. -Mom!
I wore a sanitary belt. Terrible thing.
Looked like a horse harness.
Well, we didn't have any choice, did we, Leah?
-It was either that or risk ruining the cushions. -[blows]
You all right there, Jim?
Oh, yes. I'm just letting my mind wander.
Hmm.
I never could stand tampons.
Oh, dear God.
Stuffed up inside you!
How do they know
it's not just gonna go up and up and up
until one morning you cough it out into your breakfast?
-Mom, can I? -Of course. I'm sorry, Ava.
Yeah, I'm going to finish my history project.
-Have you had enough? -Yes.
This is a lovely meal, Ally.
I've always thought of risotto
as a rice pudding that went all to shit.
-But you've proved me wrong. -Thank you.
-Is Alex much of a cook, Leah? -Oh, he loves it.
He sings Gilbert and Sullivan while he's cooking.
It makes me want to drown myself in my soup.
Mom, stop it!
-Excuse me? -This bitching about Alex.
You've had a lifetime of terrible relationships
and now, for once, you've got a shot at a good one,
with a decent man who loves you, so stop being a prick
and live your fucking happy ever after.
Well, if that's what you think.
-Where are the profiteroles? -What?
Alex loves profiteroles. I'd like to take him some.
Oh. They're in the fridge.
Are you all right there, son?
Yeah, yeah, I was just wondering if we've always had that ivy.
It's very, uh, vivid green.
You'd think I would have noticed that before.
I think you're a bit touched, Paul,
if you don't mind my saying.
You wanna keep off them pills.
I love you, Mom.
[laughs] Yeah, all right, Mr. Tambourine Man.
Have some more cheese.
[Jim laughs]
[knocks] Knock, knock.
-Brought you this. -Thanks.
I know it's not quite the same thing
as a proper ice cream in a cornet.
[sighs]
Do you remember that beaten-up old ice cream van?
Used to park outside the infants?
-Tommy's. -Yeah.
Illegal Disney cartoons on his van
and tattoos on his knuckles. Yeah.
Engine constantly running, so there's kids queueing up
in a cloud of diesel.
That's parenthood in a nutshell.
You're weighing up good, bad, ice cream, fucked lungs.
Just pretending you know what's right.
-And you don't? -No. Jesus Christ--
You make hundreds of decisions every day
and you just hope to God that they're the right ones.
Do you hate me, Dad, because I hit you?
[sighs] No!
No! It woke me up,
because I just thought how could I have fucked up this badly?
And the thing is I know exactly how.
And I'll probably do it again.
And that's terrifying.
I love you, Luke.
And the love is always bigger than the other stuff, always.
Thank you.
And I'm really sorry about what happened.
I mean, I think about it every day.
-I just lost control. -Mmm.
You get that from your mother.
Ava, sweetheart?
There's some leftovers if you're hungry.
Yeah. I guess so.
Just the lunch from hell. I felt so trapped.
♪ Don't you mind what they think♪
Night-night! It's time to take
♪ the sleepy train to... Tickleborough!
[laughter]
Shush now. Calm down.
[Ava] No, I know. I know she does.
But I can't help feeling how I feel.
[sighs and groans]
Oh, fuck.
[sighing]
Fuck, fuck.
[Paul humming]
[groaning and muttering]
Wow, shall I call the Zombie Helpline?
-You okay? -No.
-Have you got any painkillers? -Ibuprofen right there.
Mmm. Yeah, that's-- that's not gonna cut it.
Can you call your Mom and see if she's--
Stop using my mom as a drug dealer
-and go to the doctor, Paul! -Glasses.
Hiya, Dad, can you help me with my history project?
-Not now, mate. I'm sorry. -But you said that you would.
I don't care what I said. Fucking-- Luke!
Why haven't you emptied the dishwasher?
You had one fucking job and you haven't done it!
-Paul, no... -Sorry, I'm--
I don't want to hear it, mate. Okay?
It's too late! 'Cause you've fucked it!
So I'm going to lie down, all right?
Thanks, mate, my back's even worse now.
-Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
He's in pain. He doesn't mean it.
I'm going to finish my project.
-[Ava] Mom? -Hi.
I left my trainers at church group.
I need them for school tomorrow.
All right, I'll go and get them now.
Um, do you want to come with me?
-I have homework. -Oh, okay.
[laptop beeps]
Ally! You've come for Ava's trainers?
I was going to call you and then I realized
-I didn't have your number. -Yeah, but you've got Ava's number, haven't you?
-I'm sorry? -Texting her all the time.
talking about private things.
Look, I'm sure that you mean well,
but you are not her parent and you are not a teacher,
and it's inappropriate for you to act
like she's a Jacqueline Wilson
foster-home drug child,
some human project for you to redeem
in the eyes of the Lord.
[shuddering]
Oh, God.
You're gonna offer me a cup of tea, aren't you?
I was thinking wine.
Not the Eucharist wine, the good stuff.
[Susie] Yeah, did a high-end funeral last year.
The deceased was a vintner,
so I got a crate of this as a thank-you.
-It's really good. -It ought to be.
The congregation was jammed packed with absolute cunts.
Are you allowed to say "cunt"?
Oh, I don't think the Bible specifies,
although I've not read all of it.
[laughter]
I'm really sorry, Ally. You're right. I overstepped.
You're clearly a great mom, and Ava's a delight.
She's a credit to you.
Thanks. Yeah, it's just...
Everything feels wrong at the moment.
You know, like, I'm losing her,
and them, and me. [sobbing]
-I'm so-- I'm sorry. -I'll back off a bit,
make sure she spends more time with you than here.
Thanks.
-Do you want a tissue?
-[sniffles] -No.
[soothing music]
[Ally] Hi.
Oh. Thanks for doing the dishwasher, Luke. That's brilliant.
-[Luke] You're welcome. -Where's Ava?
[Luke] Homework. Or praying.
I'd pay 50 quid for a hug right now. [chuckles]
Really? An actual cash bribe, and no takers. Wow.
Paul?
[Paul] Yeah. Uh, Ally.
No, I'm here.
Yeah, I really need to see a doctor.
[breathing deeply]
[stammering] So, um, how serious are we talking
on a scale of one to dead?
I'm joking, but also not.
[chuckles] Well, that's why we need the MRI.
Let's have a proper look, make a plan.
Okay, and what's the wait time for an MRI these days?
-Book you in first thing in the morning. -Shit.
Shit. Okay.
[somber music]