1 00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,833 I'm Paul Dood, and I'm a triple threat. 2 00:01:51,498 --> 00:01:54,762 I can sing, I can act, and I sure as hell... No. 3 00:01:57,792 --> 00:01:59,824 I'm Paul Dood, and I'm a triple... 4 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,204 I'm Paul Dood, and I'm a triple threat. 5 00:02:05,284 --> 00:02:08,282 I can sing, I can act and I sure as shit can dance. 6 00:02:08,947 --> 00:02:10,665 I want to get to the top of the Trend Ladder for my mum 7 00:02:10,745 --> 00:02:12,963 because she's always believed in me. 8 00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:15,208 I think my mu's always thought I've got what it takes. 9 00:02:15,573 --> 00:02:17,359 And she just wants to see me succeed. 10 00:02:17,439 --> 00:02:19,204 So that's what I've got to do. 11 00:02:19,404 --> 00:02:20,722 Paul. What? 12 00:02:20,802 --> 00:02:22,820 Do you want a tea cake? 13 00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:24,385 No, Mum, I'm just trying to do the video. 14 00:02:24,465 --> 00:02:26,516 How's it going, the video? 15 00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:28,248 It's good. Just going to finish it. 16 00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:29,894 Then eat. 17 00:02:31,891 --> 00:02:34,189 Toast and marmalade? 18 00:02:34,489 --> 00:02:35,540 No thank you, Mum. 19 00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:37,753 I cut the crusts off. 20 00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,136 Actually, I would quite like that. 21 00:02:40,216 --> 00:02:41,368 Toast and marmalade, then? 22 00:02:41,448 --> 00:02:43,114 Please. 23 00:02:57,798 --> 00:02:59,217 WHISPERING: What do you think? 24 00:02:59,297 --> 00:03:00,615 Eh? 25 00:03:00,695 --> 00:03:02,214 I'm on a vocal rest. 26 00:03:02,294 --> 00:03:04,212 What do you think of the video? 27 00:03:04,292 --> 00:03:06,509 WHISPERING: It's good. You're clever, aren't you? 28 00:03:06,589 --> 00:03:07,875 You don't need to do the vocal rest. 29 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,821 I'm doing the vocal rest. 30 00:03:10,219 --> 00:03:13,516 LOUDLY: It's good you're clever, aren't you? 31 00:03:13,916 --> 00:03:15,734 It's got 14 views on Trend Ladder already, 32 00:03:15,814 --> 00:03:17,165 so I'm pretty pleased. 33 00:03:17,245 --> 00:03:18,978 COUGHING 34 00:03:34,795 --> 00:03:36,080 Are you OK? Yeah. 35 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,726 Thank you. 36 00:03:38,158 --> 00:03:39,757 Thank you. 37 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:42,640 Right. 38 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,771 What did you think of the spin? 39 00:03:44,851 --> 00:03:47,582 To be honest, I think the spin's a bit much. 40 00:03:47,682 --> 00:03:48,967 I think less on the spin. 41 00:03:49,047 --> 00:03:50,765 OK? 42 00:03:50,845 --> 00:03:52,597 Do you want to have a rehearsal? Yeah, yeah. 43 00:03:52,677 --> 00:03:55,694 Right, do your exercises. 44 00:03:55,774 --> 00:03:57,572 GROWNING 45 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,103 One to the left. 46 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:04,465 Now the vocal ones. 47 00:04:05,097 --> 00:04:07,282 Hip baaa. 48 00:04:07,362 --> 00:04:09,214 Hip baaa. 49 00:04:09,294 --> 00:04:11,011 Oh, no, come on. 50 00:04:11,091 --> 00:04:13,057 Take it seriously. 51 00:04:13,256 --> 00:04:16,639 Hip baaa. 52 00:04:16,719 --> 00:04:18,185 LAUGHING: That's it. 53 00:04:18,983 --> 00:04:20,583 Right. 54 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,165 Are you going to count me? Count me in. 55 00:04:24,245 --> 00:04:25,811 You ready? 56 00:04:26,176 --> 00:04:30,026 One, two, three, go. 57 00:04:30,106 --> 00:04:32,738 HUMMING 58 00:04:40,096 --> 00:04:41,995 And then the spin. 59 00:04:42,593 --> 00:04:44,911 Ah, you're doing too much on the spin. 60 00:04:44,991 --> 00:04:46,043 The sofa was in the way. 61 00:04:46,123 --> 00:04:48,055 No, it's nothing to do with the sofa. 62 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,072 Take it easy, take it easy. 63 00:04:50,152 --> 00:04:51,105 Right, I'll count you in. 64 00:04:51,185 --> 00:04:53,669 One, two, three, go. 65 00:04:53,749 --> 00:04:56,081 SOUND OF TRAFFIC AND ROAD WORKS 66 00:04:58,510 --> 00:04:59,962 SHOPPING MALL MUSIC 67 00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:03,026 Welcome to the Belshire Shopping Centre, 68 00:05:03,106 --> 00:05:06,837 where we cater for all your dreams and needs. 69 00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,519 Could a cleaner please go to the mezzanine level? 70 00:05:10,599 --> 00:05:12,131 Ther's been a spillage. 71 00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:17,978 I think my mum's always thought I've got what it takes 72 00:05:18,058 --> 00:05:19,710 and she just wants to see me succeed, 73 00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:21,940 so that's what I've got to do. 74 00:05:22,020 --> 00:05:23,972 I can sing, I can act and I sure as shit... 75 00:05:24,052 --> 00:05:26,302 Hey, Paul. Mm-hm. 76 00:05:26,382 --> 00:05:29,399 I've just watched your latest video on Trend Ladder. 77 00:05:29,479 --> 00:05:31,132 Pretty neat. 78 00:05:31,212 --> 00:05:32,778 Thanks. 79 00:05:34,874 --> 00:05:37,573 It's not, though. It's pretty shit. 80 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,771 DOOR OPENS 81 00:05:40,136 --> 00:05:41,287 DOOR CLOSES 82 00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:42,286 Hiya, mate. 83 00:05:42,366 --> 00:05:43,619 Hello, mate. 84 00:05:43,699 --> 00:05:44,185 I've got some more stuff I want to sell. 85 00:05:44,265 --> 00:05:46,064 Ahh. 86 00:05:46,629 --> 00:05:48,647 We're not buying anything, sorry. 87 00:05:48,727 --> 00:05:50,412 Oh, that's a shame. This is all Old Alfred's gear. 88 00:05:50,492 --> 00:05:52,177 God rest his soul. 89 00:05:52,257 --> 00:05:54,075 All his military stuff, some valuable items in here. 90 00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:55,740 This is exciting. 91 00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:56,972 Shoe polish. 92 00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:58,071 It's army stuff, isn't it? 93 00:05:58,151 --> 00:06:00,069 Yeah, but empty. 94 00:06:00,149 --> 00:06:01,367 What do you want me to do with it? Give it to Oxfam. 95 00:06:01,447 --> 00:06:02,400 Don't give it to those pricks. 96 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,465 What about age concern? 97 00:06:04,545 --> 00:06:06,443 Yeah, sure, if you need it. 98 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:09,160 We'll give you £20 for whatever's in the box, Trev. 99 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,891 What? 100 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,422 This is his medals. This is all his military stuff. 101 00:06:13,502 --> 00:06:15,901 I'll give you £20. Loving the hat, Paul. 102 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:16,985 It's worth a lot more than that. 103 00:06:17,065 --> 00:06:18,750 Military stuff? 104 00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:20,929 Alfred didn't see any military action. 105 00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:24,012 If there's any medals, they'll be from sports days. 106 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,111 £20? 107 00:06:25,191 --> 00:06:27,208 Yeah, £20. That's fine. 108 00:06:27,288 --> 00:06:28,674 All right, it's a deal. 109 00:06:28,754 --> 00:06:31,504 We have a sale. 110 00:06:31,584 --> 00:06:33,436 Alright. £20, yeah? 111 00:06:33,516 --> 00:06:35,500 Nice to see you, Trev. Yeah, see you soon, Jayney. 112 00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:38,264 A bit of tagging, perhaps, Paul. Oh, yeah. 113 00:06:38,344 --> 00:06:40,063 Age concern. That's your house, isn't it? 114 00:06:40,143 --> 00:06:42,393 Is that how it's going to be? 115 00:06:42,473 --> 00:06:44,957 You always bring up the ages stuff whenever I come in here, don't you? 116 00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:46,722 Not the same when I'm giving your mum a wash in front of the fire. 117 00:06:46,802 --> 00:06:48,155 Sounds romantic. 118 00:06:48,235 --> 00:06:49,087 I'll be off then. 119 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,153 Love you. 120 00:06:50,233 --> 00:06:52,297 Yeah, love to your mum. 121 00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:55,213 You know, I think he's killing off these old blokes. 122 00:06:55,293 --> 00:06:56,646 Yeah, well, we know he's been doing that for a while. 123 00:06:56,726 --> 00:06:59,390 Ah, yes! 124 00:07:00,489 --> 00:07:04,319 A new chest cam. Perfect. 125 00:07:05,017 --> 00:07:07,583 Like a sort of bra camera. 126 00:07:11,910 --> 00:07:14,561 Hey, UK Trenders. 127 00:07:14,641 --> 00:07:16,459 We've had some great talent here on the show 128 00:07:16,539 --> 00:07:18,190 but at three p.m. today, 129 00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:20,836 we've got our final regional heats. 130 00:07:21,534 --> 00:07:23,219 Stay with me on Trend Ladder for all the latest. 131 00:07:23,299 --> 00:07:24,832 Hey Paul, 132 00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:27,615 weren't you auditioning for that talent show 133 00:07:27,695 --> 00:07:29,014 on Trend Ladder this year? 134 00:07:29,094 --> 00:07:32,011 Mm-hm. Yeah, well, 135 00:07:32,091 --> 00:07:34,475 according to the app, it says the heats are today. 136 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,805 Uh-uh, nope. They are next week 137 00:07:36,885 --> 00:07:38,637 You should come and have a look at this. 138 00:07:38,717 --> 00:07:40,535 No, they're definitely next week. 139 00:07:40,615 --> 00:07:42,266 We've had some great talent here on the show, 140 00:07:42,346 --> 00:07:43,932 but at three p.m. today... 141 00:07:44,012 --> 00:07:45,297 That's Tapp. Yeah. 142 00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:46,810 That's Jack Tapp. 143 00:07:48,041 --> 00:07:49,707 Really? Yeah. 144 00:07:50,039 --> 00:07:51,558 Is this one of your jokes? I'm not ready. 145 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,823 It's today, you fucking doughnut. 146 00:07:52,903 --> 00:07:54,335 I'm not ready. 147 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,918 Jayney, Jayney, the auditions are today. 148 00:07:57,998 --> 00:08:00,148 Jayney, the auditions... Jayney, the audition's today. 149 00:08:00,228 --> 00:08:02,146 Oh, God. 150 00:08:02,226 --> 00:08:04,445 Paulie, breathe. Calm down. 151 00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:06,343 You look ever so stressed. I am stressed, I am. 152 00:08:06,423 --> 00:08:07,841 Do you want to talk about it? 153 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,138 No, the Trend Ladder talent show auditions are today, 154 00:08:10,218 --> 00:08:12,170 not next week, I got the week wrong. 155 00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:13,369 The're today. I got the week wrong. Oh, that's a shame. 156 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,314 Yeah, can I go though? 157 00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:17,598 Well, we're supposed to be having one of our sessions this afternoon. 158 00:08:17,678 --> 00:08:19,064 We can't just... 159 00:08:19,144 --> 00:08:21,094 Yeah, I know but if I go now, I'll get there in time. 160 00:08:21,174 --> 00:08:22,493 Please. 161 00:08:22,573 --> 00:08:24,059 Oh, all right. Off you go. 162 00:08:24,139 --> 00:08:25,257 OK, thank you. 163 00:08:25,337 --> 00:08:26,622 I hope it goes well. OK, great. 164 00:08:26,702 --> 00:08:28,554 Yes, thank you. 165 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,185 We can catch up on the session another day. 166 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:32,598 Yeah, yeah, great. Thank you. 167 00:08:34,595 --> 00:08:37,626 Just take your stress with you, eh? 168 00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:40,309 This is panic stations. This is all systems go. 169 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:41,907 So what are you getting, the glitter? 170 00:08:41,987 --> 00:08:43,872 What else? The chest strap on? 171 00:08:43,952 --> 00:08:45,404 How much is that, please? This and this. 172 00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:48,367 So, the whole rig thing there, that's £10. 173 00:08:48,447 --> 00:08:50,432 £2.99 per glitter thing. 174 00:08:50,512 --> 00:08:52,663 You've got about, what, 10 of them there, 175 00:08:52,743 --> 00:08:55,494 so that's like, what, £29.99, plus £10, £39.99. 176 00:08:55,574 --> 00:08:57,473 £10 is all the money I have. 177 00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,289 £10, that buys you the chest rig. 178 00:09:00,369 --> 00:09:01,801 Just this? Yeah. 179 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:03,718 Can I owe the shop for the glitter? 180 00:09:03,798 --> 00:09:05,565 No. 181 00:09:05,896 --> 00:09:06,849 What about just one glitter? 182 00:09:06,929 --> 00:09:08,462 No. 183 00:09:08,627 --> 00:09:11,644 All right, just this then. £10. 184 00:09:11,724 --> 00:09:12,843 OK, you're going to need to take that off so I can bag it up. 185 00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:14,522 What? 186 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:16,786 Shop policy, we have to bag all items. 187 00:09:21,281 --> 00:09:23,032 OK, bag it. Bag it. 188 00:09:23,112 --> 00:09:25,244 Bag it, bag it. 189 00:09:26,376 --> 00:09:28,208 Hey, look what this says. 190 00:09:29,373 --> 00:09:31,439 Brilliant. That's appropriate, isn't it? 191 00:09:31,837 --> 00:09:35,387 'Have a nice day', when you're clearly not. 192 00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,499 Please. Chuck her in. 193 00:09:38,197 --> 00:09:40,249 Bag it up. All items must be bagged. 194 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,513 OK, thanks, Bruce. 195 00:09:42,593 --> 00:09:45,244 Paul, before you go, quick photo. 196 00:09:45,324 --> 00:09:47,408 Um, OK. Come on, mate. Photo. 197 00:09:47,488 --> 00:09:49,373 All right, sure. Are you ready? 198 00:09:49,453 --> 00:09:51,171 OK, what do you want me to... Big smile. 199 00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:53,302 I didn't know it did that. 200 00:09:53,382 --> 00:09:55,381 I thought it was a camera. 201 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:57,712 Why would you... 202 00:09:59,510 --> 00:10:01,475 Don't forget us when you're famous. 203 00:10:04,238 --> 00:10:06,389 Welcome to the Belshire Shopping Centre... 204 00:10:06,469 --> 00:10:07,888 Paul! 205 00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:10,285 ...where we cater to all your dreams and needs. 206 00:10:10,365 --> 00:10:12,830 Hi, I'm a bit loud, aren't I? 207 00:10:13,828 --> 00:10:15,261 Hi, Clemmie. 208 00:10:16,592 --> 00:10:18,525 You've got your audition. Ah, yes. 209 00:10:19,223 --> 00:10:20,589 Are you in a rush? 210 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:24,119 Yes. Well, no. Yes, yes. 211 00:10:25,018 --> 00:10:26,816 The geek meet. 212 00:10:29,079 --> 00:10:30,679 Good luck. 213 00:10:32,277 --> 00:10:35,141 Yeah, good luck to you as well. 214 00:10:36,506 --> 00:10:38,305 Ah! 215 00:10:40,935 --> 00:10:42,401 LAUGHS TIMIDLY 216 00:10:48,261 --> 00:10:50,193 FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYS 217 00:11:00,948 --> 00:11:02,547 Mum. 218 00:11:03,945 --> 00:11:04,997 The audition's today. 219 00:11:05,077 --> 00:11:07,042 LAUGHING 220 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,059 Mum, the audition is today 221 00:11:09,139 --> 00:11:10,991 Paul, you're home early. 222 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,489 The audition, i's today. 223 00:11:12,569 --> 00:11:14,188 Well, I was just having a teacake. 224 00:11:14,268 --> 00:11:15,420 Do you want a teacake? 225 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,152 There's no time for a teacake. 226 00:11:17,232 --> 00:11:19,183 I got the week wrong. It's today. 227 00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:21,181 Oh, well the costumes not ready. 228 00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:22,579 What am I going to wear? 229 00:11:22,659 --> 00:11:24,577 Hang on a minute, hang on a minute. 230 00:11:24,657 --> 00:11:27,775 Now, my costume's ready. Right, good. 231 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,738 So you wear your practice costume. OK. 232 00:11:30,818 --> 00:11:32,503 And come down and have a teacake. 233 00:11:32,583 --> 00:11:34,068 I got the week wrong, Mum, I got the week wrong. 234 00:11:34,148 --> 00:11:36,080 How could I have done this? 235 00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:37,964 It's one of the basics, Paul. Get the right day. 236 00:11:38,044 --> 00:11:39,710 MUSIC PLAYS 237 00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:41,861 What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? 238 00:11:41,941 --> 00:11:43,692 Jacket. Paul? 239 00:11:43,772 --> 00:11:45,438 Those 240 00:11:46,136 --> 00:11:48,668 Can you bring my big coat down, please? 241 00:11:56,859 --> 00:11:59,176 Turn up, light the lights. 242 00:11:59,256 --> 00:12:01,389 The only thing is to reach those heights. 243 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,320 HUMMING 244 00:12:14,607 --> 00:12:16,492 Hurray! Yes! 245 00:12:16,572 --> 00:12:18,523 All right. 246 00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:19,756 Come on, Dorothy, let's get you ready for the ball. 247 00:12:19,836 --> 00:12:21,369 Oh, yeah. Come on. 248 00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:23,819 Yes, well, I'll wear my gold sequinned jacket. 249 00:12:23,899 --> 00:12:25,616 Oh, perfect, yeah. 250 00:12:25,696 --> 00:12:27,048 I don't know what I'm going to wear underneath. 251 00:12:27,128 --> 00:12:28,946 Oh, we'll find something. 252 00:12:29,026 --> 00:12:31,510 OK, Come on, le's go. Here we are. 253 00:12:31,590 --> 00:12:33,508 Quick. Turn that thing up to 11, come on. 254 00:12:33,588 --> 00:12:35,454 LAUGHING 255 00:12:37,252 --> 00:12:39,017 We've caught a big one. 256 00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:49,160 OK, let's do this. 257 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,071 Now, watch that step, that's it. 258 00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,350 It's a long time since I've been out. 259 00:12:58,430 --> 00:13:01,028 Oh, I just need my pills now. 260 00:13:03,092 --> 00:13:05,809 My flas's by the front door. 261 00:13:05,889 --> 00:13:08,573 Pills check, water check, matching awesome costumes... 262 00:13:08,653 --> 00:13:09,872 BOTH: Check! 263 00:13:09,952 --> 00:13:12,118 Fantastic. All right. 264 00:13:12,783 --> 00:13:15,333 I'm really excited. It's going to be good, this, Mum. 265 00:13:15,413 --> 00:13:17,531 Come on, then, we'd better get a move on. 266 00:13:17,611 --> 00:13:19,344 Absolutely. Let's go. 267 00:13:20,109 --> 00:13:21,508 Here we go. Here we go. 268 00:13:21,607 --> 00:13:23,340 POP MUSIC PLAYS 269 00:13:43,219 --> 00:13:45,637 Oh, wow, mum, look. What? 270 00:13:45,717 --> 00:13:47,283 Jack Tapp. 271 00:13:47,648 --> 00:13:50,978 Wow. Look at that. 272 00:13:54,374 --> 00:13:56,492 He looks great, doesn't he? I love that pose. 273 00:13:56,572 --> 00:13:57,924 Thoughtful. 274 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,270 Zooming in. Trend Ladder. 275 00:14:00,568 --> 00:14:02,434 I can't get his face in. 276 00:14:04,830 --> 00:14:06,716 Oh, you should say hello to the fans. 277 00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:08,447 In this, yeah. 278 00:14:08,527 --> 00:14:09,912 Oh, I've got no lippy. 279 00:14:09,992 --> 00:14:10,612 Oh, don't worry, we'll do it later. 280 00:14:10,692 --> 00:14:11,843 OK. 281 00:14:11,923 --> 00:14:13,423 Hello. 282 00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:16,439 Oh, Paul. Yeah? 283 00:14:16,519 --> 00:14:18,118 Train. 284 00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:23,346 "The train now standing at platform 2..." 285 00:14:24,977 --> 00:14:27,062 Oh, I don't know how long that train is going to stand there. 286 00:14:27,142 --> 00:14:29,873 I'll be OK. It's fine. 287 00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:31,723 There's a ramp. Let's get you on the ramp. 288 00:14:31,803 --> 00:14:33,821 Oh, yeah, that will be quicker. 289 00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:36,119 Definitely. Oh, no, no, no, absolutely not. 290 00:14:36,199 --> 00:14:38,431 Excuse me, sir. What? 291 00:14:39,130 --> 00:14:40,814 Hi. Yeah, I just want to get the ramp 292 00:14:40,894 --> 00:14:41,913 because I want to get my mum on the train. 293 00:14:41,993 --> 00:14:43,811 You don't have this badge on, do you? 294 00:14:43,891 --> 00:14:45,110 What? No. 295 00:14:45,190 --> 00:14:46,576 Why is that, do you think? 296 00:14:46,656 --> 00:14:47,675 Because my name's not Jim. 297 00:14:47,755 --> 00:14:49,772 No, it's because you're not 298 00:14:49,852 --> 00:14:51,803 the platform and customer relations supervisor, are you? 299 00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:53,316 No. I am. 300 00:14:53,548 --> 00:14:55,400 According to railway law, 301 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,764 you are not trained or qualified to operate that ramp. 302 00:14:57,844 --> 00:15:00,861 Look, I can walk onto the train. 303 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:03,159 Madam, you are clearly disabled. 304 00:15:03,239 --> 00:15:04,191 I will get that ramp down for you, don't worry. 305 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:05,770 Look. 306 00:15:06,335 --> 00:15:07,588 It's going. 307 00:15:07,668 --> 00:15:09,885 Oh, for goodness sake. 308 00:15:09,965 --> 00:15:11,384 TRAIN HORN BEEPS 309 00:15:11,464 --> 00:15:13,230 You've made us miss it. 310 00:15:14,061 --> 00:15:16,179 The next train into town is in 35 minutes. 311 00:15:16,259 --> 00:15:17,545 Would you like to book the ramp in? 312 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,191 Yes. 313 00:15:20,321 --> 00:15:21,806 All you have to do is phone this number here 314 00:15:21,886 --> 00:15:22,906 and book it in. 315 00:15:22,986 --> 00:15:24,437 Simple as that. 316 00:15:24,517 --> 00:15:26,103 We didn't have to go through all this. 317 00:15:26,183 --> 00:15:27,967 You could've just helped us then. 318 00:15:28,047 --> 00:15:29,232 I'm afraid my hands are tied, sir. 319 00:15:29,312 --> 00:15:30,664 We've got to do this by the book. 320 00:15:30,744 --> 00:15:33,428 I don't want to, but I have to. 321 00:15:33,508 --> 00:15:34,941 Just respect my job. 322 00:15:36,672 --> 00:15:38,157 COUGHING 323 00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:40,735 All right, Mum? I'm fine. 324 00:15:41,068 --> 00:15:43,000 Are we going to make it? 325 00:15:43,465 --> 00:15:45,897 Yeah, yeah, we'll make it. We'll be all right. 326 00:15:46,629 --> 00:15:48,361 I'll just call this. 327 00:15:52,922 --> 00:15:54,854 PHONE RINGS 328 00:15:58,816 --> 00:16:00,416 Hello. Hi... 329 00:16:01,681 --> 00:16:03,147 Hi... 330 00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:07,028 I'd like to book the ramp for the next train, please. 331 00:16:07,108 --> 00:16:08,693 Next train? No problem, sir. 332 00:16:08,773 --> 00:16:10,092 I'll book that in for you. 333 00:16:10,172 --> 00:16:11,904 OK, bye bye. 334 00:16:18,363 --> 00:16:20,762 You wouldn't believe it, would you? 335 00:16:27,488 --> 00:16:29,172 We'll be all right. 336 00:16:29,252 --> 00:16:30,472 Are we excited to meet Jack Tapp? 337 00:16:30,552 --> 00:16:32,936 Yeah 338 00:16:33,016 --> 00:16:34,468 When I say 'Trend', you say 'Ladder'. 339 00:16:34,548 --> 00:16:36,932 Trend! Ladder! Trend! Ladder! 340 00:16:37,012 --> 00:16:39,177 I wonder what these guys' talents are. 341 00:16:39,409 --> 00:16:41,626 BAD SINGING 342 00:16:41,706 --> 00:16:43,672 I think we've got a finalist. 343 00:16:46,302 --> 00:16:48,653 It needs to be faster, though, does it? 344 00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:52,450 Well, I think, yeah, the step before the spin needs to be faster. 345 00:16:52,530 --> 00:16:54,395 So it goes there. 346 00:16:54,594 --> 00:16:56,959 Remember the quick one. 347 00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:01,089 SINGING 348 00:17:03,951 --> 00:17:06,169 Are you the guys that booked the ramp? 349 00:17:06,249 --> 00:17:08,633 OK, well, I'll just get it down for you. 350 00:17:08,713 --> 00:17:11,245 Do you want me to help? Sir, please. 351 00:17:12,443 --> 00:17:14,194 Remember, this is for trained professionals only. 352 00:17:14,274 --> 00:17:15,993 The train's there. 353 00:17:16,073 --> 00:17:17,058 Well, that's the wrong way round, isn't it? 354 00:17:17,138 --> 00:17:19,489 Come on. 355 00:17:19,569 --> 00:17:22,386 Sir, you're not authorised to operate this type of machinery. 356 00:17:22,466 --> 00:17:24,550 Can you please just step away? 357 00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:26,648 It's not mechanical, is it? No, it's just a ramp. 358 00:17:26,728 --> 00:17:29,027 Sir, sir, take a moment to calm down. 359 00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:31,576 This is dangerous equipment. 360 00:17:31,656 --> 00:17:33,242 If I catch my hand in this, I could have to take a week off work. 361 00:17:33,322 --> 00:17:34,508 Please stand back. 362 00:17:34,588 --> 00:17:36,805 You've got it upside down. 363 00:17:36,885 --> 00:17:38,870 Madam, if it wasn't for you, 364 00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:40,534 none of this would be happening, would it? 365 00:17:40,614 --> 00:17:42,347 It's gone, we've missed it again. 366 00:17:42,879 --> 00:17:43,965 You can't even do your job properly. 367 00:17:44,045 --> 00:17:45,163 What? 368 00:17:45,243 --> 00:17:46,528 You can't do the ramp. 369 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,141 What did you say? 370 00:17:49,106 --> 00:17:51,290 Come on, Mum, we're walking. 371 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:54,601 Yeah, unbelievable. 372 00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:03,293 He was so vicious, that man. He was horrible. 373 00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:05,542 COUGHING 374 00:18:05,622 --> 00:18:07,441 Have you got my pills, love? 375 00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:08,940 Oh, yeah, yeah. 376 00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,218 He's really upset me, that man. 377 00:18:11,583 --> 00:18:13,316 Here you go. Thanks. 378 00:18:13,815 --> 00:18:16,280 Oh, and water. I need some water. 379 00:18:17,378 --> 00:18:19,343 I can't find the water. 380 00:18:19,775 --> 00:18:22,041 It was in the flask. I know, I know. 381 00:18:22,173 --> 00:18:24,391 You took it. You saw it. 382 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,988 I saw the water. I saw you with it. I must have dropped it. 383 00:18:27,068 --> 00:18:29,985 I can't swallow them if there's no water, love. 384 00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,117 No, I know. Because they're all chalky. 385 00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:32,749 Yeah, I know. 386 00:18:32,829 --> 00:18:34,914 I can't swallow them. I'm really sorry. 387 00:18:34,994 --> 00:18:37,044 It's fine, we'll just get some water, no problem. 388 00:18:37,124 --> 00:18:39,109 Where? Well, we'll find a shop or something. 389 00:18:39,189 --> 00:18:40,989 OK. Easy. 390 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,752 BIRDS SQUAWKING 391 00:18:49,912 --> 00:18:51,677 COUGHING 392 00:18:52,143 --> 00:18:53,994 Are you all right, Mum? Yeah, yeah. 393 00:18:54,074 --> 00:18:56,306 We'll find somewhere, we'll find somewhere. 394 00:19:12,456 --> 00:19:13,989 Come in, we are open. 395 00:19:15,686 --> 00:19:18,284 Slow down. 396 00:19:19,416 --> 00:19:21,281 I don't speak your language. 397 00:19:21,513 --> 00:19:23,146 Do you understand this? 398 00:19:26,975 --> 00:19:28,241 Atsuko... 399 00:19:28,673 --> 00:19:31,190 there is no honour in surrender. 400 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,036 SCOFFS 401 00:19:38,796 --> 00:19:41,694 This is the nature of war. 402 00:19:43,258 --> 00:19:45,224 SIGHS 403 00:19:47,288 --> 00:19:48,906 Welcome. 404 00:19:48,986 --> 00:19:50,219 Come in. 405 00:19:52,383 --> 00:19:55,432 Sorry you all had to see that. 406 00:19:55,512 --> 00:19:57,645 Well, yeah, I just wanted some water. 407 00:19:58,110 --> 00:19:59,229 Of course, [Japanese] 408 00:19:59,309 --> 00:20:00,960 Sit down, sit down. 409 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,939 Is it OK if I take it away, please? 410 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,703 You're not here for a tea ceremony? 411 00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:10,465 - No, no, of course not. - Sorry. 412 00:20:11,930 --> 00:20:14,528 Of course you're not. You can't have the water. 413 00:20:14,894 --> 00:20:16,411 Take away. 414 00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:18,857 Huh? Take away. 415 00:20:19,588 --> 00:20:22,120 We did away with plastic centuries ago. 416 00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,885 Is it possible to get a glass of water? 417 00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:26,501 To sit in? 418 00:20:26,581 --> 00:20:28,766 Yeah, just for my mum and her pills. 419 00:20:28,846 --> 00:20:31,097 Accepting an offer from someone without ceremony 420 00:20:31,177 --> 00:20:33,128 is very offensive to my culture. 421 00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:34,675 Your culture? 422 00:20:38,469 --> 00:20:41,135 Well, if we're quick, perhaps. 423 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:42,900 Quick enough. 424 00:20:56,219 --> 00:20:58,184 GASPING 425 00:21:07,074 --> 00:21:11,138 Well, I suppose as long as it's quick because... 426 00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,837 Absolutely. 427 00:21:14,867 --> 00:21:16,633 GASPS 428 00:21:19,595 --> 00:21:21,794 Gets me every time. 429 00:21:23,858 --> 00:21:26,441 Do you know how many bonsais 430 00:21:26,521 --> 00:21:28,520 sacrificed themselves to make this box? 431 00:21:47,367 --> 00:21:48,986 I'm in a bit of a hurry. 432 00:21:49,066 --> 00:21:50,765 Water... 433 00:21:52,196 --> 00:21:53,648 into cup, 434 00:21:53,728 --> 00:21:55,860 it becomes the cup. 435 00:21:59,988 --> 00:22:01,788 Water... 436 00:22:02,286 --> 00:22:05,383 into teapot, 437 00:22:06,115 --> 00:22:07,367 it becomes the... 438 00:22:07,447 --> 00:22:09,080 Teapot. 439 00:22:11,343 --> 00:22:12,909 Water can pour... 440 00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:15,674 or water can crash. 441 00:22:17,604 --> 00:22:20,968 Be water, my friend. 442 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,399 Isn't that Bruce Lee? 443 00:22:24,298 --> 00:22:26,381 Ancient Japanese warrior. 444 00:22:26,461 --> 00:22:28,080 Well, I think he's Chinese, actually. 445 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:28,812 Maybe born in America. 446 00:22:28,892 --> 00:22:30,659 Silence! 447 00:22:33,155 --> 00:22:36,352 OK, right, I think I'll perhaps just be on my way because... 448 00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:42,399 It is impossible to interrupt this particular ceremony 449 00:22:42,479 --> 00:22:43,831 once it has begun. 450 00:22:43,911 --> 00:22:45,529 It hasn't begun, has it? 451 00:22:45,609 --> 00:22:46,562 You haven't even started mixing the... 452 00:22:46,642 --> 00:22:48,440 It's definitely begun. 453 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,539 The Bruce Lee bit was part of it. 454 00:22:51,104 --> 00:22:54,601 Okay, look. This has been great, really good. 455 00:22:54,734 --> 00:22:56,552 I've enjoyed that but look, 456 00:22:56,632 --> 00:22:58,882 she's coming back, she's got a knife. 457 00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:01,394 - Give me the water. - You're not having it. 458 00:23:05,756 --> 00:23:07,108 SCREAMS 459 00:23:07,188 --> 00:23:09,053 GASPS 460 00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:13,468 Look what you've done. 461 00:23:13,548 --> 00:23:15,680 I don't feel too good. 462 00:23:16,844 --> 00:23:18,277 What shall we do? 463 00:23:20,307 --> 00:23:21,974 Do you want to carry on? 464 00:23:24,138 --> 00:23:25,822 We have to carry on. 465 00:23:25,902 --> 00:23:27,387 OK, Mum. 466 00:23:27,467 --> 00:23:29,666 MUSIC PLAYS 467 00:23:32,462 --> 00:23:34,028 Are you OK? 468 00:23:35,093 --> 00:23:38,657 Are you sure this is the way? You're not lost? 469 00:23:39,089 --> 00:23:40,955 No, this is a shortcut. 470 00:24:01,034 --> 00:24:03,184 Paul, Paul. 471 00:24:03,264 --> 00:24:04,764 Nearly there, Mum. 472 00:24:05,296 --> 00:24:08,746 You're so lovely, Paul. 473 00:24:08,826 --> 00:24:10,559 I'm just warming up. 474 00:24:13,055 --> 00:24:15,320 Here's a taxi. Taxi! 475 00:24:17,750 --> 00:24:19,069 Oh, yes. 476 00:24:19,149 --> 00:24:21,281 We might actually make it, Mum. 477 00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:24,777 Amazing. Fantastic. 478 00:24:25,809 --> 00:24:27,442 There he is. 479 00:24:27,541 --> 00:24:29,739 OK, I'll just talk to him. 480 00:24:29,905 --> 00:24:31,590 All right mate, where are you going to? 481 00:24:31,670 --> 00:24:33,154 Just to the theatre, the other side of town, please. 482 00:24:33,234 --> 00:24:34,320 OK, do you want to jump in? All right. 483 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,865 Oh, no, sorry, this is our taxi. 484 00:24:37,065 --> 00:24:38,797 I just got this. 485 00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:40,381 But there's only one car payer, my son. 486 00:24:40,461 --> 00:24:41,813 I just flagged this. 487 00:24:41,893 --> 00:24:43,345 The priest will be getting in this one. 488 00:24:43,425 --> 00:24:45,357 I will. We were here first. 489 00:24:45,556 --> 00:24:47,721 But many who were first will be last. 490 00:24:48,553 --> 00:24:50,371 And the last will be first, my son. 491 00:24:50,451 --> 00:24:53,134 Amen father. Mark: 10, verse 31. 492 00:24:53,214 --> 00:24:54,434 You heard him now get out of the way. 493 00:24:54,514 --> 00:24:56,312 What? No, this isn't fair. 494 00:24:56,911 --> 00:24:58,396 My mum's in a wheelchair. 495 00:24:58,476 --> 00:25:00,194 Everyone's mum's in a wheelchair. 496 00:25:00,274 --> 00:25:02,407 We're going to be late for my massage. 497 00:25:03,704 --> 00:25:05,655 What! Can you believe that? He's a priest. 498 00:25:05,735 --> 00:25:06,988 Oh, darling. 499 00:25:07,068 --> 00:25:08,619 Unbelievable. Are you all right? 500 00:25:08,699 --> 00:25:10,499 That's not fair. 501 00:25:10,830 --> 00:25:12,363 CALMING MUSIC PLAYS 502 00:25:13,395 --> 00:25:14,780 Nice and warm in here. 503 00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:16,759 Snug as a bug in a rug. 504 00:25:19,655 --> 00:25:21,221 Well done. 505 00:25:22,486 --> 00:25:24,618 I just love fucking people over. 506 00:25:25,249 --> 00:25:26,068 Nearly there. 507 00:25:26,148 --> 00:25:27,881 GASPING 508 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,206 SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS AND TRAFFIC 509 00:25:43,131 --> 00:25:44,350 I think we missed it. 510 00:25:44,430 --> 00:25:46,795 I'm not feeling good at all. 511 00:25:47,461 --> 00:25:49,792 I'm so proud of you, Paul. 512 00:25:50,358 --> 00:25:51,790 Are you okay, Mum? 513 00:25:52,322 --> 00:25:54,721 That's Jack Tapp. Look. 514 00:25:55,819 --> 00:25:57,637 I need you to analyse this because it's really freaked me out... 515 00:25:57,717 --> 00:26:00,634 Go on, do us proud. 516 00:26:00,714 --> 00:26:03,346 I was laying there in the middle of the forest... 517 00:26:05,609 --> 00:26:07,342 Sorry. 518 00:26:08,473 --> 00:26:10,771 And just crying naked. 519 00:26:10,870 --> 00:26:12,403 It's cold. 520 00:26:13,002 --> 00:26:14,786 WHISPERING: Jack, Jack Tapp. 521 00:26:14,866 --> 00:26:16,151 Do you mind? I'm having a private conversation with my life coach. 522 00:26:16,231 --> 00:26:17,583 OK, sorry, yes. 523 00:26:17,663 --> 00:26:19,315 So I... 524 00:26:19,395 --> 00:26:20,981 You're so cool. Look at that jacket. 525 00:26:21,061 --> 00:26:22,845 Jack Tapp. 526 00:26:22,925 --> 00:26:25,675 Can I call you back? I can't believe it's you. 527 00:26:25,755 --> 00:26:27,807 Do you mind? I was on a private conversation right then, 528 00:26:27,887 --> 00:26:29,205 and you just came in here and started talking to me. 529 00:26:29,285 --> 00:26:32,450 Jack Tapp, it is amazing to meet you. 530 00:26:32,848 --> 00:26:33,901 What are you doing here? 531 00:26:33,981 --> 00:26:34,933 I'm here for the audition. 532 00:26:35,013 --> 00:26:36,564 No, you're not. 533 00:26:36,644 --> 00:26:38,762 That was like an hour ago. It's finished. 534 00:26:38,842 --> 00:26:40,027 But you wouldn't believe the day I've had. 535 00:26:40,107 --> 00:26:41,193 I don't care. 536 00:26:41,273 --> 00:26:43,225 Sorry, Jack, car's ready. Great. 537 00:26:43,305 --> 00:26:45,156 OK, goodbye. Thank you. 538 00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:47,553 No, no, no, Jack, Jack, please 539 00:26:47,633 --> 00:26:49,952 I've had a crazy time getting here. You wouldn't believe it. 540 00:26:50,032 --> 00:26:51,683 The train guard wouldn't do the ramp, 541 00:26:51,763 --> 00:26:53,148 then I had to do a tea ceremony, then the priest took my taxi 542 00:26:53,228 --> 00:26:54,480 and then my mum got ill. 543 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,111 I'm streaming for the fans. 544 00:26:56,191 --> 00:26:57,777 It's going to look embarrassing if I'm not doing something. 545 00:26:57,857 --> 00:26:58,943 Sorry, did you say you're streaming live? 546 00:26:59,023 --> 00:27:00,688 Yes. 547 00:27:01,153 --> 00:27:03,737 Jack, he's live-streaming, so... 548 00:27:03,817 --> 00:27:06,302 That's streaming? Remember, you're a nice person. 549 00:27:06,382 --> 00:27:09,246 Hey, so what's your name? 550 00:27:09,845 --> 00:27:11,930 I'm Paul Dood. 551 00:27:12,010 --> 00:27:13,161 Paul Dood? 552 00:27:13,241 --> 00:27:15,692 Dood. D-O-O-D. 553 00:27:15,772 --> 00:27:18,522 Your name's Paul Dood? Wow, that's a cool name. 554 00:27:18,602 --> 00:27:21,519 Thank you. Paul, Jack Tapp has a saying. 555 00:27:21,599 --> 00:27:23,351 I don't know if you're familiar with it: 556 00:27:23,431 --> 00:27:26,096 Everybody deserves a chance. 557 00:27:26,761 --> 00:27:29,159 That person today... 558 00:27:29,392 --> 00:27:30,725 is you. 559 00:27:30,891 --> 00:27:32,508 You deserve a chance, Paul Dood. 560 00:27:32,588 --> 00:27:33,808 Yes, thank you. 561 00:27:33,888 --> 00:27:35,906 I'm going to give you a chance. 562 00:27:35,986 --> 00:27:37,637 I knew you'd be like this, Jack Tapp. 563 00:27:37,717 --> 00:27:39,068 Shall we switch places, Paul Dood? 564 00:27:39,148 --> 00:27:40,615 Yeah. 565 00:27:41,247 --> 00:27:42,465 All right, you come up here and I'll go down there? 566 00:27:42,545 --> 00:27:43,997 OK, amazing. 567 00:27:44,077 --> 00:27:46,661 OK, let's do it. Let's switch it up. Come on. 568 00:27:46,741 --> 00:27:48,274 We don't have all day. 569 00:27:50,104 --> 00:27:52,136 OK, just get up there, it's OK. 570 00:27:55,899 --> 00:27:57,949 All right. Yeah. 571 00:27:58,029 --> 00:28:00,514 Let's see what you've got, Paul Dood. 572 00:28:00,594 --> 00:28:03,078 It's quite special. I've been working on it for a long time. 573 00:28:03,158 --> 00:28:04,344 I think you've got something special. 574 00:28:04,424 --> 00:28:06,655 OK, let's see it. You go for it. 575 00:28:08,486 --> 00:28:12,002 I'm Paul Dood, and I'm here to get you in the mood. 576 00:28:12,082 --> 00:28:13,648 Let's fucking hope so. 577 00:28:15,346 --> 00:28:17,478 ELECTRIC DREAMS BY THE HUMAN LEAGUE PLAYS 578 00:28:17,743 --> 00:28:19,509 Jesus fucking Christ. 579 00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:23,272 I can't believe you let this guy in here. 580 00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:27,754 You're supposed to protect me from people like this fucking guy. 581 00:28:27,834 --> 00:28:30,132 You're so fired. Do you promise? 582 00:28:32,162 --> 00:28:35,060 Fuck me. What is this, The Karate Kid? 583 00:28:36,558 --> 00:28:37,543 Give him a chance. H's touching his ass. 584 00:28:37,623 --> 00:28:39,156 Perfectly normal. 585 00:28:40,054 --> 00:28:41,639 If we were in the States right now, 586 00:28:41,719 --> 00:28:42,839 this guy would not have made it near me. 587 00:28:42,919 --> 00:28:44,584 He would have been shot. 588 00:28:47,946 --> 00:28:49,299 I think he's quite good. 589 00:28:49,379 --> 00:28:51,510 Yeah, you thought that coat was good. 590 00:28:59,202 --> 00:29:02,752 I only knew you for a while 591 00:29:02,832 --> 00:29:05,596 I never saw your smile 592 00:29:06,195 --> 00:29:10,510 Until it was time to go Time to go away ♪ 593 00:29:10,590 --> 00:29:12,556 Fucking hell. OK. 594 00:29:13,888 --> 00:29:17,051 On that note. OK, OK. 595 00:29:17,850 --> 00:29:20,182 Woo! Do you mind if I stop you? 596 00:29:21,979 --> 00:29:23,597 Can you turn off your streaming 597 00:29:23,677 --> 00:29:25,029 so I can give you some private feedback? 598 00:29:25,109 --> 00:29:26,328 Really? Just turn off. 599 00:29:26,408 --> 00:29:27,608 OK, it's off. 600 00:29:27,906 --> 00:29:30,971 That was the best... 601 00:29:31,669 --> 00:29:37,098 of the worst shit I have ever seen in my life, 602 00:29:38,063 --> 00:29:41,313 and I have seen some terrible, terrible things. 603 00:29:41,393 --> 00:29:43,359 I was in a house fire as a child. 604 00:29:44,190 --> 00:29:46,508 That was a better experience than what I just saw. 605 00:29:46,588 --> 00:29:47,507 Did you like it... 606 00:29:47,587 --> 00:29:49,538 No, I hated it. 607 00:29:49,618 --> 00:29:53,135 I hate you, I hate your song, I hate your dance 608 00:29:53,215 --> 00:29:56,298 and I just hate the name Paul, 609 00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:58,429 and you've ruined the name Dood for me, too, by the way. 610 00:29:58,509 --> 00:30:00,008 Am I through? 611 00:30:00,540 --> 00:30:05,256 You certainly are through as far as any kind of fame ever. 612 00:30:05,336 --> 00:30:07,553 You're delusional and you're finished and it's over for you. 613 00:30:07,633 --> 00:30:09,166 And shut up, Gary. 614 00:30:09,565 --> 00:30:11,250 I never want to see you ever again. 615 00:30:11,330 --> 00:30:12,348 But, I mean, there is more. 616 00:30:12,428 --> 00:30:14,546 No. Paul Dead. 617 00:30:14,626 --> 00:30:15,945 That's what your name is now Paul Dead. 618 00:30:16,025 --> 00:30:17,011 No, but the thing is... 619 00:30:17,091 --> 00:30:19,142 He's coming over here. 620 00:30:19,222 --> 00:30:20,440 I could talk you through it anyway, at least show you 621 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:22,206 and explain because... 622 00:30:22,286 --> 00:30:24,617 Jack Tapp, please, I've worked so hard. 623 00:30:25,216 --> 00:30:26,501 Gary, get in the middle here. All right. 624 00:30:26,581 --> 00:30:27,933 Go that way, go that way. 625 00:30:28,013 --> 00:30:29,797 I could show you some photos. 626 00:30:29,877 --> 00:30:31,795 Stay away from me. Stay away from me. I know Krav Maga. 627 00:30:31,875 --> 00:30:33,994 He doesn't. Please, you've not seen the best bit. 628 00:30:34,074 --> 00:30:36,572 Seriously, your Tinder date has fallen asleep, OK? 629 00:30:38,070 --> 00:30:39,155 Please, Jack Tapp. 630 00:30:39,235 --> 00:30:41,153 Dude, have some compassion. 631 00:30:41,233 --> 00:30:43,251 I've got a burger in the car and it's going cold. OK? 632 00:30:43,331 --> 00:30:44,516 I don't think your date's asleep. 633 00:30:44,596 --> 00:30:45,716 I think you might need to call an ambulance. 634 00:30:45,796 --> 00:30:47,428 Now. Let's go. 635 00:30:48,592 --> 00:30:50,491 Gary, come on. 636 00:30:53,121 --> 00:30:56,985 VOICE FADING: Mum, Mum, Mum. 637 00:30:57,684 --> 00:30:59,202 Mum, are you alright? 638 00:30:59,282 --> 00:31:01,014 Mum! 639 00:31:03,511 --> 00:31:05,876 Are you OK, Mum? 640 00:31:11,170 --> 00:31:13,136 SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYS 641 00:32:08,845 --> 00:32:10,844 I nailed that spin. 642 00:32:16,504 --> 00:32:18,071 I nailed it. 643 00:32:20,234 --> 00:32:21,986 You'd have been proud of that. 644 00:32:22,066 --> 00:32:24,165 AMBULANCE DOOR OPENS 645 00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:27,846 AMBULANCE DOOR CLOSES 646 00:32:27,926 --> 00:32:29,792 Are you all right, mate? 647 00:32:31,289 --> 00:32:32,456 Is she all right? 648 00:32:38,583 --> 00:32:40,914 Hello? Ambulance, please. 649 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:52,522 SIRENS WAIL 650 00:32:52,602 --> 00:32:54,068 SIRENS STOP 651 00:32:59,694 --> 00:33:02,459 All right there. Stay cool. 652 00:33:04,190 --> 00:33:05,775 Hold on, we just want to have a look. 653 00:33:05,855 --> 00:33:07,739 Leave her. 654 00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:08,672 OK, do you want to talk about this? 655 00:33:08,752 --> 00:33:10,270 No, you leave her. 656 00:33:10,350 --> 00:33:11,735 All right, I'll leave that stuff alone. 657 00:33:11,815 --> 00:33:14,699 We've got quite an aggressive male. 658 00:33:14,779 --> 00:33:17,064 Yes, it's my mum. 659 00:33:17,144 --> 00:33:18,129 We will care for your mum. We'll have a look for you. 660 00:33:18,209 --> 00:33:19,661 You cannot. 661 00:33:19,741 --> 00:33:21,773 OK, well, we're not going to go anywhere. 662 00:33:47,413 --> 00:33:49,331 We had to forcibly take the deceased. 663 00:33:49,411 --> 00:33:51,177 We're returning with her now. 664 00:34:47,353 --> 00:34:50,052 SCREAMING UNDERWATER 665 00:35:28,879 --> 00:35:32,742 The doctor told her she had months left. 666 00:35:34,806 --> 00:35:36,538 But she didn't tell me. 667 00:35:36,670 --> 00:35:38,056 It's such a shame. 668 00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:40,201 How are you getting on with your list? 669 00:35:41,966 --> 00:35:45,196 I think she just wanted me to focus on my performance. 670 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:50,158 Because she always just sort of wanted to see me succeed, really. 671 00:35:51,189 --> 00:35:54,687 Have you finished your list of grief objectives? 672 00:35:56,218 --> 00:35:58,236 I don't want to finish the list, Jayney. 673 00:35:58,316 --> 00:36:00,167 Well, I'm sorry, Paul, 674 00:36:00,247 --> 00:36:03,064 but in my professional opinion, I think you should finish your list. 675 00:36:03,144 --> 00:36:05,843 They don't just give out these certificates, you know. 676 00:36:07,407 --> 00:36:10,971 What did they teach you about revenge on your course, Jayney? 677 00:36:13,667 --> 00:36:17,764 Um, let me just have a look. 678 00:36:27,087 --> 00:36:29,838 There's a whole box of Old Alfred's stuff there. 679 00:36:29,918 --> 00:36:32,083 Did you know he died too? 680 00:36:32,815 --> 00:36:34,233 I wondered if you'd like to go and tag it up. 681 00:36:34,313 --> 00:36:35,979 Might make you feel better. 682 00:36:37,743 --> 00:36:39,328 I'll give you a shout if I find anything. 683 00:36:39,408 --> 00:36:41,040 OK. 684 00:36:45,635 --> 00:36:48,733 KEYBOARD CLICKING 685 00:36:49,298 --> 00:36:52,762 LIFT MUSIC PLAYING 686 00:36:54,992 --> 00:36:56,692 Hey, Paul. 687 00:36:57,923 --> 00:37:00,121 You haven't posted any videos in a while, mate. 688 00:37:00,354 --> 00:37:02,519 What about your poor fans? 689 00:37:02,785 --> 00:37:04,717 No one's messaged me. 690 00:37:05,149 --> 00:37:06,715 Come on, mate. 691 00:37:11,676 --> 00:37:13,527 "Paul, Paul, Paul, what are you doing? 692 00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:14,626 "What are you up to? What's going on? 693 00:37:14,706 --> 00:37:16,438 What's happening? 694 00:37:17,370 --> 00:37:18,969 I'm just pricing up. 695 00:37:21,799 --> 00:37:24,031 Tagging up stuff from Alfred's box. 696 00:37:24,230 --> 00:37:26,281 Man, isn't it amazing? 697 00:37:26,361 --> 00:37:29,126 Someone's whole life is just reduced to this box 698 00:37:30,690 --> 00:37:33,521 And you're tagging it up. It's tagged. 699 00:37:33,820 --> 00:37:35,519 "Whoa." 700 00:37:36,884 --> 00:37:41,480 Oh man, Paul, have you seen what the tags say? 701 00:37:48,405 --> 00:37:50,138 It says that on all of them, mate. 702 00:37:51,203 --> 00:37:53,168 Have you twatted the whole shop? 703 00:37:54,333 --> 00:37:55,766 LAUGHING: Paul. 704 00:37:56,530 --> 00:37:57,683 Why would you do that? 705 00:37:57,763 --> 00:37:59,714 Hey, Paul. I didn't do it. 706 00:37:59,794 --> 00:38:01,945 If it was me, I'd put the C word on it. 707 00:38:02,025 --> 00:38:04,390 It was you. I've got video evidence it was you. 708 00:38:04,556 --> 00:38:05,989 Oh, come on, Paul. 709 00:38:06,188 --> 00:38:07,274 Paul, I'm joking around. 710 00:38:07,354 --> 00:38:09,585 Paul, come on. 711 00:38:12,082 --> 00:38:14,114 "He's even put Twat on the police car." 712 00:38:23,604 --> 00:38:26,368 DARK MUSIC PLAYING 713 00:38:39,255 --> 00:38:42,519 I'm Paul Dood and I've just started my lunch break. 714 00:38:43,916 --> 00:38:49,345 "Some of you will know about the events that happened last week 715 00:38:49,811 --> 00:38:55,706 "that led to the tragic death of my mum" 716 00:38:56,104 --> 00:39:00,187 and to me failing to reach the second round 717 00:39:00,267 --> 00:39:03,032 of the Trend Ladder talent show. 718 00:39:04,596 --> 00:39:06,714 The next train into town is in 35 minutes. 719 00:39:06,794 --> 00:39:08,926 Would you like to book the ramp in? 720 00:39:11,056 --> 00:39:12,274 Is it possible to get a glass of water? 721 00:39:12,354 --> 00:39:13,940 To sit in? 722 00:39:14,020 --> 00:39:16,019 Everyone's mum's in a wheelchair. 723 00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:24,396 For too long, the strong have trampled the weak and timid. 724 00:39:24,476 --> 00:39:26,627 If it wasn't for you, none of this would be happening, would it? 725 00:39:26,707 --> 00:39:29,039 "But the timid's time has come. 726 00:39:32,002 --> 00:39:34,187 "And I'm going to set the record straight." 727 00:39:34,267 --> 00:39:37,397 Jim, you've reached the end of the line, scumbag. 728 00:39:37,730 --> 00:39:39,895 SCREAMS 729 00:39:48,086 --> 00:39:49,685 DOOR SLAMS SHUT 730 00:39:57,144 --> 00:39:58,809 Oh, no. 731 00:39:59,741 --> 00:40:01,373 Dishonour this. 732 00:40:02,338 --> 00:40:04,670 Yes. 733 00:40:09,531 --> 00:40:11,530 That's them there, driver. 734 00:40:11,962 --> 00:40:13,794 DRIVER SLAMS ON BRAKES 735 00:40:14,593 --> 00:40:16,377 Perfect. Thank you very much for that. 736 00:40:16,457 --> 00:40:17,243 I'm definitely giving you five stars. 737 00:40:17,323 --> 00:40:19,555 CROWD CHEERS 738 00:40:21,220 --> 00:40:23,337 Thank you, goodbye 739 00:40:23,417 --> 00:40:25,016 I'm so bored. 740 00:40:25,348 --> 00:40:26,867 Name... 741 00:40:26,947 --> 00:40:28,165 Paul Dood. 742 00:40:28,245 --> 00:40:30,611 Paul D... 743 00:40:31,975 --> 00:40:33,575 You. 744 00:40:34,772 --> 00:40:35,858 No. 745 00:40:35,938 --> 00:40:37,456 No. 746 00:40:37,536 --> 00:40:39,768 See what your fans think of this, Jack Tapp. 747 00:40:45,395 --> 00:40:48,926 On this lunch break, I am going to right all the wrongs 748 00:40:49,924 --> 00:40:54,554 that have happened to me and my mum. 749 00:41:06,340 --> 00:41:07,973 You forgot to flush, mate. 750 00:41:16,564 --> 00:41:18,729 'The next train into town is in 35 minutes.' 751 00:41:18,928 --> 00:41:21,627 [indistinct] 752 00:41:22,625 --> 00:41:24,657 Stupidity. 753 00:41:25,355 --> 00:41:26,441 The priest will be getting in this one. 754 00:41:26,521 --> 00:41:28,073 I will. 755 00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:31,216 I hate you, I hate your song, I hate your dance. 756 00:41:39,207 --> 00:41:40,126 Hey, Paul. 757 00:41:40,206 --> 00:41:41,573 Hey, Clemmie. 758 00:41:41,805 --> 00:41:42,924 I saw your video. 759 00:41:43,004 --> 00:41:44,570 Ah. 760 00:41:45,734 --> 00:41:46,753 It was good. 761 00:41:46,833 --> 00:41:49,365 Yeah? Thanks. 762 00:41:50,031 --> 00:41:51,530 Are you all right? 763 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:54,826 Yeah. 764 00:41:55,924 --> 00:41:57,557 I'm sorry about your mum. 765 00:41:59,088 --> 00:42:00,554 Thanks, Clemmie. 766 00:42:05,714 --> 00:42:13,508 SAD MUSIC PLAYS 767 00:42:18,835 --> 00:42:21,319 The train now arriving at platform 2... 768 00:42:21,399 --> 00:42:22,518 It says here that you bought this ticket 769 00:42:22,598 --> 00:42:24,082 with a senior citizens railcard. 770 00:42:24,162 --> 00:42:25,515 Yes, that's right. 771 00:42:25,595 --> 00:42:27,712 But you don't have the card. 772 00:42:27,792 --> 00:42:31,376 I'm sorry, I must have left it at home. 773 00:42:31,456 --> 00:42:34,772 Well, if you don't have the card, then I can't tell if you're eligible 774 00:42:34,852 --> 00:42:37,136 for the senior citizens' discount, can I? 775 00:42:37,216 --> 00:42:39,767 I'm 86 years old. 776 00:42:39,847 --> 00:42:43,097 I don't know that, do I? You could be anyone. 777 00:42:43,177 --> 00:42:45,028 The only thing you can do is go back home and get your card. 778 00:42:45,108 --> 00:42:47,393 But I'll miss the train. 779 00:42:47,473 --> 00:42:48,725 Well, you should have thought of that before you came out then. 780 00:42:48,805 --> 00:42:49,724 Surely... 781 00:42:49,804 --> 00:42:51,503 Go home, get your pass. 782 00:42:51,635 --> 00:42:52,621 Jim. 783 00:42:52,701 --> 00:42:54,086 Oh, it's you. 784 00:42:54,166 --> 00:42:55,452 It's the end of your line. 785 00:42:55,532 --> 00:42:56,798 I'm dealing with a fare, mate. 786 00:42:56,930 --> 00:42:57,849 It's the end of the line. 787 00:42:57,929 --> 00:42:58,982 It's the end of the line. 788 00:42:59,062 --> 00:43:00,380 Oi! 789 00:43:00,460 --> 00:43:02,625 Fuck you, you little prick. 790 00:43:03,656 --> 00:43:07,373 ACTION MUSIC PLAYS 791 00:43:07,453 --> 00:43:09,651 Oi, come back here! 792 00:43:10,017 --> 00:43:11,702 Sorry. 793 00:43:11,782 --> 00:43:13,900 By the laws bestowed upon me by rail governors, 794 00:43:13,980 --> 00:43:15,298 I command you to stop. 795 00:43:15,378 --> 00:43:17,710 Oi, you little prick. 796 00:43:18,375 --> 00:43:20,141 I didn't mean it. 797 00:43:24,069 --> 00:43:25,536 Come back here. 798 00:43:29,830 --> 00:43:31,663 "Sorry. Leave me alone." 799 00:43:33,927 --> 00:43:35,711 This is a citizen's arrest. 800 00:43:35,791 --> 00:43:36,844 Get off. 801 00:43:36,924 --> 00:43:38,356 "Come back." 802 00:43:52,574 --> 00:43:54,326 I know the law and you're breaking it. 803 00:43:54,406 --> 00:43:56,238 You're under arrest. 804 00:43:56,904 --> 00:43:58,455 What do you want? 805 00:43:58,535 --> 00:43:59,854 This is a citizen's arrest. I've called the police. 806 00:43:59,934 --> 00:44:01,433 I didn't mean it. 807 00:44:11,655 --> 00:44:13,154 SCREAMS 808 00:44:19,114 --> 00:44:21,013 "Come back here." 809 00:44:21,479 --> 00:44:22,745 Paul. 810 00:44:23,043 --> 00:44:24,510 Paul's still on lunch. 811 00:44:27,506 --> 00:44:30,623 Jayney, if you look after the counter for a bit... 812 00:44:30,703 --> 00:44:32,054 I didn't say you could go on lunch, Bruce. 813 00:44:32,134 --> 00:44:32,953 I'm not eating. 814 00:44:33,033 --> 00:44:34,334 But Brucey... 815 00:44:34,665 --> 00:44:36,997 Leave me on my own, why don't you? 816 00:44:46,454 --> 00:44:48,019 GASPS 817 00:44:50,549 --> 00:44:52,582 PANTING 818 00:44:59,807 --> 00:45:02,472 PANTING 819 00:45:09,597 --> 00:45:11,962 INDISTINCT CHATTER 820 00:45:12,261 --> 00:45:14,526 INDISTINCT CHATTER 821 00:45:14,991 --> 00:45:16,325 Yeah, I know. 822 00:45:17,556 --> 00:45:19,841 We should take our custom elsewhere. 823 00:45:19,921 --> 00:45:20,872 I'm never going to go there again. 824 00:45:20,952 --> 00:45:21,904 No, I wouldn't if I were you. 825 00:45:21,984 --> 00:45:23,070 COUGHING 826 00:45:23,150 --> 00:45:24,669 Are you all right? 827 00:45:24,749 --> 00:45:26,248 Yes, thank you. 828 00:45:26,447 --> 00:45:28,465 Did you fall off your skateboard? 829 00:45:28,545 --> 00:45:30,030 Yes, I did. 830 00:45:30,110 --> 00:45:31,643 Let's help him. 831 00:45:31,742 --> 00:45:34,640 No, no, no, no. 832 00:45:35,138 --> 00:45:37,689 He looks like one of them flashers, Mary. 833 00:45:37,769 --> 00:45:39,021 I am. 834 00:45:39,101 --> 00:45:40,187 You what? 835 00:45:40,267 --> 00:45:42,018 That's what I am. I'm a flasher. 836 00:45:42,098 --> 00:45:43,616 I'm having a practice and you've interrupted. 837 00:45:43,696 --> 00:45:45,481 WRETCHING 838 00:45:45,561 --> 00:45:46,846 If you don't go away, I'm going to get my dick out. 839 00:45:46,926 --> 00:45:48,445 How disgusting. 840 00:45:48,525 --> 00:45:50,077 Come on, Mary. Can't frighten me. 841 00:45:50,157 --> 00:45:51,841 I've seen plenty of willies in my time. 842 00:45:51,921 --> 00:45:53,040 Not as big as this. 843 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:54,572 Oh, you're just as bad as he is. 844 00:45:54,652 --> 00:45:56,437 I'm getting it out. You better run. 845 00:45:56,517 --> 00:45:58,682 Your mother would be ashamed of you. 846 00:45:59,647 --> 00:46:04,976 SMALLTOWN BOY BY BRONSKI BEAT PLAYS 847 00:46:16,597 --> 00:46:19,362 HAND DRYER BLOWS 848 00:46:19,727 --> 00:46:25,508 Run away, turn away run away, turn away ♪ 849 00:46:25,588 --> 00:46:27,387 MUSIC STOPS 850 00:46:32,814 --> 00:46:34,066 Clemmie. 851 00:46:34,146 --> 00:46:38,009 HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING. 852 00:46:38,109 --> 00:46:40,208 Why are you sitting in the dark? 853 00:46:40,473 --> 00:46:42,405 Have you seen Paul's latest video? 854 00:46:44,303 --> 00:46:46,534 What the hell is he doing? 855 00:46:47,932 --> 00:46:49,498 Clemmie. 856 00:46:50,163 --> 00:46:51,082 Great chat, Clemmie. 857 00:46:51,162 --> 00:46:52,980 Very informative. 858 00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:54,379 God, you're weird. 859 00:46:54,459 --> 00:46:55,858 DOOR SLAMS SHUT 860 00:46:57,290 --> 00:46:58,489 DOOR OPENS 861 00:46:59,154 --> 00:47:01,553 You know what, you and Paul... fucking odd. 862 00:47:01,719 --> 00:47:06,448 LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES 863 00:47:22,897 --> 00:47:24,596 PHONE BUZZES 864 00:47:32,421 --> 00:47:35,086 FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS 865 00:47:38,215 --> 00:47:41,180 LAUGHING 866 00:47:42,611 --> 00:47:44,376 Come on, Paul. 867 00:47:45,441 --> 00:47:47,440 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 868 00:47:57,795 --> 00:48:01,426 PEACEFUL HARP MUSIC 869 00:49:03,796 --> 00:49:07,293 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 870 00:49:10,590 --> 00:49:14,486 MACHINE HUMS 871 00:49:39,194 --> 00:49:40,893 Are you OK? 872 00:49:41,192 --> 00:49:43,058 SCREAMS 873 00:49:49,683 --> 00:49:57,343 MACHINE HUMS 874 00:49:59,706 --> 00:50:01,439 PHONE ALERT FROM TREND LADDER 875 00:50:14,259 --> 00:50:17,290 DOOR CREAKS 876 00:50:23,084 --> 00:50:25,134 You. 877 00:50:25,214 --> 00:50:27,147 The water thief. 878 00:50:28,478 --> 00:50:30,144 What have you done to her? 879 00:50:30,510 --> 00:50:33,974 There is no honour in defeat. 880 00:50:36,303 --> 00:50:38,070 I am bankrupt. 881 00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:43,716 Tea and tradition have perished. 882 00:50:43,796 --> 00:50:45,395 You killed her. 883 00:50:48,125 --> 00:50:50,756 The shame of failure belongs to us all. 884 00:50:51,288 --> 00:50:52,955 You're a psychopath. 885 00:50:54,086 --> 00:50:54,872 This is for mum. 886 00:50:54,952 --> 00:50:56,817 SCREAMS 887 00:50:57,316 --> 00:51:02,012 SPLUTTERS 888 00:51:07,473 --> 00:51:09,338 Oh, shit. 889 00:51:10,503 --> 00:51:12,302 OK, and what was he wearing? 890 00:51:13,300 --> 00:51:16,983 Sequins. It was more like he was an ice skater than a skateboarder. 891 00:51:17,063 --> 00:51:19,214 And what colour sequins? What colour sparkles? 892 00:51:19,294 --> 00:51:21,312 They were blue at the bottom. Just shiny. 893 00:51:21,392 --> 00:51:25,507 Pink, like he escaped from the circus or something. 894 00:51:25,587 --> 00:51:26,873 OK. Thank you so much for all this information as well. It's great. 895 00:51:26,953 --> 00:51:28,704 Are you an actual police officer 896 00:51:28,784 --> 00:51:30,869 or just one of them sort of community ones? 897 00:51:30,949 --> 00:51:32,867 I am a community support officer. 898 00:51:32,947 --> 00:51:34,832 Oh, dear, that's a shame... Is it? 899 00:51:34,912 --> 00:51:35,497 Because they don't really take you seriously, do they? 900 00:51:35,577 --> 00:51:36,430 Oh Lisa, that's a point. 901 00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:38,128 Hold on! There he is! 902 00:51:38,208 --> 00:51:41,025 That's him! You dirty git! Get out of here! 903 00:51:41,105 --> 00:51:43,489 SHOUTING 904 00:51:43,569 --> 00:51:45,587 I've got a flasher in the park. 905 00:51:45,667 --> 00:51:47,900 The coppers are coming! 906 00:51:48,198 --> 00:51:50,216 White male, mid 40s, sparkly jumpsuit. 907 00:51:50,296 --> 00:51:52,328 Can you repeat that? Over. 908 00:51:53,326 --> 00:51:55,811 Suspected flasher in the park. 909 00:51:55,891 --> 00:51:59,506 He's mid 40s, he's white, he's wearing a sparkly jumpsuit. 910 00:51:59,586 --> 00:52:01,105 Copy that. 911 00:52:01,185 --> 00:52:03,817 Can I just confirm that you said sparkly bodysuit? 912 00:52:03,983 --> 00:52:05,500 What, like Ziggy Stardust? 913 00:52:05,580 --> 00:52:07,313 Yeah, affirmative. 914 00:52:08,311 --> 00:52:10,430 What's your location? 915 00:52:10,510 --> 00:52:13,174 I'm on Lewis Street, but I've lost eyes on the suspect. 916 00:52:13,739 --> 00:52:15,691 Would you say you're under under pressure? 917 00:52:15,771 --> 00:52:17,536 Shut up, Steve. 918 00:52:17,802 --> 00:52:19,734 How far off is back-up? 919 00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,885 Don't worry, don't worry. 920 00:52:21,965 --> 00:52:23,350 We'll help you catch this rebel rebel. 921 00:52:23,430 --> 00:52:24,349 Idiot. 922 00:52:24,429 --> 00:52:25,547 SIRENS WAIL 923 00:52:25,627 --> 00:52:26,546 What an idiot. 924 00:52:26,626 --> 00:52:30,057 SIRENS WAIL 925 00:52:36,417 --> 00:52:37,535 This is for mum. 926 00:52:37,615 --> 00:52:38,467 "SCREAMS" 927 00:52:38,547 --> 00:52:39,900 Jayney. 928 00:52:39,980 --> 00:52:40,666 What? 929 00:52:40,746 --> 00:52:42,197 Come here, please. 930 00:52:42,277 --> 00:52:44,210 I'm really busy, Brucie. 931 00:52:44,908 --> 00:52:46,926 Jayney, you've got to see this. I'm watching Paul. 932 00:52:47,006 --> 00:52:47,558 Porn? 933 00:52:47,638 --> 00:52:49,038 Porn? 934 00:52:49,803 --> 00:52:51,188 Why the hell would I be watching porn at work? 935 00:52:51,268 --> 00:52:53,234 It's Paul, with a luh. 936 00:52:53,699 --> 00:52:55,817 You know, the weirdo who works here? 937 00:52:55,897 --> 00:52:57,815 What is it? What do you want me to see? 938 00:52:57,895 --> 00:52:59,894 It's this Trend Ladder thing. 939 00:53:02,857 --> 00:53:04,908 You're saying this is Paul? 940 00:53:04,988 --> 00:53:06,439 Yes, it's Paul. 941 00:53:06,519 --> 00:53:09,337 It can't be Paulie. 942 00:53:09,417 --> 00:53:12,215 Keep watching because it gets worse, much worse. 943 00:53:14,778 --> 00:53:15,864 "This is for mum." 944 00:53:15,944 --> 00:53:17,263 "SCREAMS" 945 00:53:17,343 --> 00:53:18,809 What? 946 00:53:19,740 --> 00:53:22,038 He told me about these people, Paul did. 947 00:53:22,304 --> 00:53:24,055 What? 948 00:53:24,135 --> 00:53:25,854 They're the people who made him late for his audition. 949 00:53:25,934 --> 00:53:27,652 The guard and the tea bloke. 950 00:53:27,732 --> 00:53:29,497 And what did he say? 951 00:53:30,096 --> 00:53:32,128 He asked me what I knew about revenge. 952 00:53:32,894 --> 00:53:34,759 And what did you tell him? 953 00:53:35,990 --> 00:53:38,075 SIRENS WAIL 954 00:53:38,155 --> 00:53:41,219 PANTING 955 00:53:46,247 --> 00:53:47,746 OK. 956 00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:52,142 "This is Paul Dood. 957 00:53:53,706 --> 00:53:55,838 "Paul Dood's deadly lunch break." 958 00:53:57,602 --> 00:53:59,820 Some of you might have seen what's going on. 959 00:53:59,900 --> 00:54:02,531 "It hasn't gone... I mean, some people have died. 960 00:54:02,864 --> 00:54:04,696 "The police are after me." 961 00:54:06,394 --> 00:54:08,026 So I'm just... 962 00:54:08,858 --> 00:54:12,122 I can't do it anymore. I'm not a winner, I'm a loser. 963 00:54:13,053 --> 00:54:15,052 "Paul Dood signing out. That's it." 964 00:54:19,014 --> 00:54:21,779 OK, I give up. 965 00:54:22,044 --> 00:54:23,263 That's it, it's over. 966 00:54:23,343 --> 00:54:24,262 I surrender. 967 00:54:24,342 --> 00:54:26,493 SIRENS WAIL 968 00:54:26,573 --> 00:54:28,772 Take me, it's over. 969 00:54:29,337 --> 00:54:30,422 I give up. 970 00:54:30,502 --> 00:54:31,921 Come along, Donald. 971 00:54:32,001 --> 00:54:34,119 We'll leave the crazy people to themselves. 972 00:54:34,199 --> 00:54:36,098 I think he's a bit of a nutter. 973 00:54:36,962 --> 00:54:38,595 BIRDS SQUAWK 974 00:54:40,425 --> 00:54:42,178 DOG BARKS 975 00:54:42,258 --> 00:54:44,489 BIRDS TWEETING 976 00:54:45,021 --> 00:54:48,119 SIRENS WAIL 977 00:54:58,474 --> 00:55:00,040 KEYS JANGLE 978 00:55:06,533 --> 00:55:09,930 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 979 00:55:14,358 --> 00:55:18,022 MUSIC PLAYS 980 00:55:48,292 --> 00:55:50,989 Working on my backwards walk 981 00:55:53,852 --> 00:55:56,617 Walking with no shoes or socks 982 00:55:58,947 --> 00:56:02,045 And the time rewinds to the end of May ♪ 983 00:56:02,544 --> 00:56:04,728 Do you think I could ever win one of these? 984 00:56:04,808 --> 00:56:07,991 Oh, you're much better than any of them. 985 00:56:08,071 --> 00:56:09,771 Thanks, Mum. 986 00:56:11,401 --> 00:56:13,653 If I won one of these, 987 00:56:13,733 --> 00:56:16,364 with the prize money I would get you a luxury bungalow. 988 00:56:18,228 --> 00:56:20,426 Like the best bungalow 989 00:56:21,424 --> 00:56:23,509 The flattest bungalow that money can buy. 990 00:56:23,589 --> 00:56:25,940 And an electric chair. 991 00:56:26,020 --> 00:56:27,572 An electric chair so I don't have to push you. 992 00:56:27,652 --> 00:56:30,350 'LAUGHS' 993 00:56:32,380 --> 00:56:34,379 Why didn't she tell us, Rocky? 994 00:56:36,510 --> 00:56:38,675 Why didn't she tell us she was so ill? 995 00:56:40,006 --> 00:56:42,738 I know I miss her, too. 996 00:56:44,768 --> 00:56:46,267 It'll be OK. 997 00:56:48,764 --> 00:56:50,748 What do you mean you showed him quotes? 998 00:56:50,828 --> 00:56:52,213 Well, there was nothing on the website about revenge. 999 00:56:52,293 --> 00:56:54,178 What website? 1000 00:56:54,258 --> 00:56:56,957 My psychotherapy website where I get my certificates from. 1001 00:56:57,855 --> 00:56:59,141 What have you been doing with Paul, Jayney? 1002 00:56:59,221 --> 00:57:00,720 Practising. 1003 00:57:02,550 --> 00:57:05,833 'If you lose a big fight, it will worry you all your life. 1004 00:57:05,913 --> 00:57:07,698 It will plague you until you get your revenge.' - Muhammad Ali. 1005 00:57:07,778 --> 00:57:09,896 Mmm. 1006 00:57:09,976 --> 00:57:11,561 'Revenge is sweet and not fattening.' - Alfred Hitchcock. 1007 00:57:11,641 --> 00:57:13,659 Why did you show him these? 1008 00:57:13,739 --> 00:57:15,657 There was nothing on the website, so I... 1009 00:57:15,737 --> 00:57:17,522 What else did he say, Jayney? 1010 00:57:17,602 --> 00:57:19,668 Who else is he going to get revenge on? 1011 00:57:22,930 --> 00:57:25,048 There was something about a priest. 1012 00:57:25,128 --> 00:57:28,592 Jayney, you've really shat the sheets on this one. 1013 00:57:29,789 --> 00:57:31,656 And I say unto you 1014 00:57:32,353 --> 00:57:38,449 let me be kind to the weak and unable. 1015 00:57:39,513 --> 00:57:44,709 Allow me to deliver myself from evil. 1016 00:57:47,039 --> 00:57:50,537 And prepare thyself for the second coming. 1017 00:57:53,299 --> 00:57:54,899 EXHALES 1018 00:57:55,830 --> 00:57:57,296 GASPS 1019 00:57:59,993 --> 00:58:01,725 That was a bit of a mouthful. 1020 00:58:09,316 --> 00:58:11,349 PHONE BEEPING 1021 00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,575 "It's Paul Dood. 1022 00:58:18,674 --> 00:58:21,391 "Paul Dood's deadly lunch break. 1023 00:58:21,471 --> 00:58:24,654 "Some of you might have seen what's going on. 1024 00:58:24,734 --> 00:58:26,586 "It hasn't gone... I mean, some people have died." 1025 00:58:26,666 --> 00:58:28,298 PHONE BEEPING 1026 00:58:35,591 --> 00:58:37,656 I've come to say goodbye, Rocky. 1027 00:58:38,887 --> 00:58:40,719 I'm going to make things right. 1028 00:58:46,146 --> 00:58:48,379 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 1029 00:58:49,510 --> 00:58:50,843 Is that the sleeve? 1030 00:58:51,009 --> 00:58:52,893 Well, it could be the sleeve. 1031 00:58:52,973 --> 00:58:56,356 But, you know, the whole costume is that bright green colour. 1032 00:58:56,436 --> 00:58:58,668 Yeah. Wait for it. 1033 00:59:00,632 --> 00:59:01,884 Ta-da. 1034 00:59:01,964 --> 00:59:03,349 That's brilliant. 1035 00:59:03,429 --> 00:59:04,748 Yeah, they really go, don't they? 1036 00:59:04,828 --> 00:59:05,914 Yeah. 1037 00:59:05,994 --> 00:59:07,778 I can't wait for your audition. 1038 00:59:07,858 --> 00:59:09,843 I'm so proud of you. 1039 00:59:09,923 --> 00:59:11,356 Thanks, Mum. 1040 00:59:11,854 --> 00:59:13,639 You do want me to come, don't you? 1041 00:59:13,719 --> 00:59:15,637 Yeah, of course. I can't do without you. 1042 00:59:15,717 --> 00:59:17,383 We're a team, aren't we? 1043 00:59:21,345 --> 00:59:22,777 What do you think? 1044 00:59:27,905 --> 00:59:29,371 Yeah. 1045 00:59:32,534 --> 00:59:33,766 DOG BARKS 1046 00:59:39,993 --> 00:59:41,511 Yes, that's correct, Officer. 1047 00:59:41,591 --> 00:59:43,190 Yeah. 1048 00:59:43,855 --> 00:59:46,753 I wouldn't say friend. More work colleague. 1049 00:59:48,817 --> 00:59:50,269 Yeah. 1050 00:59:50,349 --> 00:59:52,448 The videos. Yeah. 1051 00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:53,846 We've seen them. 1052 00:59:54,778 --> 00:59:56,411 On Trend Ladder. 1053 00:59:56,876 --> 00:59:58,708 His video's in the top 20. 1054 00:59:59,140 --> 01:00:00,639 OK. 1055 01:00:01,138 --> 01:00:03,203 Yeah, I'm sitting opposite her. 1056 01:00:03,303 --> 01:00:04,769 Here she is. 1057 01:00:06,866 --> 01:00:08,265 Hello. 1058 01:00:10,462 --> 01:00:13,446 Yeah, yeah, it was me he spoke with. 1059 01:00:13,526 --> 01:00:15,144 But I didn't tell him to do it or anything like that. 1060 01:00:15,224 --> 01:00:17,822 I just showed him some quotes. 1061 01:00:19,619 --> 01:00:22,684 Well, he said something about a priest who stole his taxi. 1062 01:00:23,749 --> 01:00:25,614 BIRDS TWEETING 1063 01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:28,431 Ground control to Major Miles, do you copy? 1064 01:00:28,511 --> 01:00:29,710 Go ahead. 1065 01:00:30,509 --> 01:00:33,926 Right, so there's been some ch-ch-ch-changes. 1066 01:00:34,006 --> 01:00:35,757 Give it a rest. 1067 01:00:35,837 --> 01:00:37,470 No, no, I'm being serious. 1068 01:00:37,935 --> 01:00:40,652 Your suspect matches the description of our man 1069 01:00:40,732 --> 01:00:42,516 who's wanted for two potential homicides. 1070 01:00:42,596 --> 01:00:45,395 What? Ziggy Stardust? The flasher? 1071 01:00:45,494 --> 01:00:47,412 Apparently. 1072 01:00:47,492 --> 01:00:49,277 There's going to be a squad car coming to meet you very soon. 1073 01:00:49,357 --> 01:00:51,289 Yeah, I can see it. It's here. 1074 01:00:51,821 --> 01:00:53,672 Right, I need to get you to St. Mary's Church 1075 01:00:53,752 --> 01:00:55,637 as quickly as you can. 1076 01:00:55,717 --> 01:00:58,500 We've reason to believe that his next target might be the priest. 1077 01:00:58,580 --> 01:01:00,565 I'd better get there before another one bites the dust, eh? 1078 01:01:00,645 --> 01:01:02,511 No, that's not Bowie. 1079 01:01:02,610 --> 01:01:04,109 Right. 1080 01:01:04,608 --> 01:01:05,727 All right? 1081 01:01:05,807 --> 01:01:07,373 Yeah, not bad. 1082 01:01:08,570 --> 01:01:09,489 We off? 1083 01:01:09,569 --> 01:01:11,035 Yeah. 1084 01:01:11,435 --> 01:01:15,017 Did you know Another One Bites the Dust isn't Bowie? 1085 01:01:15,097 --> 01:01:16,697 Really? Yep. 1086 01:01:17,962 --> 01:01:20,193 SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS 1087 01:01:37,142 --> 01:01:39,559 Raising money for the church roof. Please give generously 1088 01:01:39,639 --> 01:01:40,792 Church roof. 1089 01:01:40,872 --> 01:01:42,357 SOUND OF MONEY CLINKING 1090 01:01:42,437 --> 01:01:44,968 Father, could I have a word? 1091 01:01:45,500 --> 01:01:48,151 Yes. 1092 01:01:48,231 --> 01:01:50,881 Some of us are becoming increasingly concerned about the progress, 1093 01:01:50,961 --> 01:01:52,879 or rather the lack of progress, 1094 01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:55,610 in repairs to the roof of the church. 1095 01:01:55,690 --> 01:01:58,041 My son, all we're asking for is just a little more 1096 01:01:58,121 --> 01:02:00,206 from each of our generous partners. 1097 01:02:00,286 --> 01:02:03,103 Raising money for the church. Please give generously. 1098 01:02:03,183 --> 01:02:04,934 A number of us have already given very generously 1099 01:02:05,014 --> 01:02:06,699 Mm-hm. Yes. 1100 01:02:06,779 --> 01:02:07,631 I myself, I've given three thousand pounds. 1101 01:02:07,711 --> 01:02:09,763 Again, I say unto you, 1102 01:02:09,843 --> 01:02:11,828 it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle 1103 01:02:11,908 --> 01:02:13,958 than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 1104 01:02:14,038 --> 01:02:15,724 Amen, father, amen. 1105 01:02:15,804 --> 01:02:18,254 Amen. Amen. 1106 01:02:18,334 --> 01:02:19,786 Father, people are asking for their money back. 1107 01:02:19,866 --> 01:02:22,117 We haven't even seen any plans. 1108 01:02:22,197 --> 01:02:25,081 God doesn't give refunds. 1109 01:02:25,161 --> 01:02:27,012 Of course, but we just need some kind of reassurance 1110 01:02:27,092 --> 01:02:28,344 that work will be starting soon. 1111 01:02:28,424 --> 01:02:29,956 Amen. 1112 01:02:31,255 --> 01:02:32,773 Builders. The workmen. 1113 01:02:32,853 --> 01:02:34,005 They're here to... 1114 01:02:34,085 --> 01:02:35,237 To fix the roof. Tarmac the road. 1115 01:02:35,317 --> 01:02:37,102 And then fix the roof. 1116 01:02:37,182 --> 01:02:38,866 Tarmac the road then fix the roof. 1117 01:02:38,946 --> 01:02:39,733 Have you been paid yet? 1118 01:02:39,813 --> 01:02:41,897 No, not yet. 1119 01:02:41,977 --> 01:02:42,596 I might go and nick their little collection box in a minute. 1120 01:02:42,676 --> 01:02:44,243 Ty. 1121 01:02:45,141 --> 01:02:48,638 CHURCH MUSIC PLAYS 1122 01:02:53,732 --> 01:02:55,383 So are you giving or are you wasting our time? 1123 01:02:55,463 --> 01:02:56,948 Amen. 1124 01:02:57,028 --> 01:02:57,947 Just a couple of pound. A couple of pounds. 1125 01:02:58,027 --> 01:02:59,213 MONEY CLINKING 1126 01:02:59,293 --> 01:03:02,091 Sorry. It's fine. Lovely. 1127 01:03:02,590 --> 01:03:03,975 May the Lord be with you. 1128 01:03:04,055 --> 01:03:05,640 Two pounds. Thank you. Thank you very much. 1129 01:03:05,720 --> 01:03:06,773 Thank you. God be with you. 1130 01:03:06,853 --> 01:03:08,836 Fucking idiot. 1131 01:03:08,916 --> 01:03:10,801 Raising money for the church roof. 1132 01:03:10,881 --> 01:03:12,647 Selfish cow. 1133 01:03:21,105 --> 01:03:22,903 Have you seen this? 1134 01:03:23,569 --> 01:03:26,533 Oh, mate, that's mad. 1135 01:03:26,965 --> 01:03:28,850 I know. Is it real? 1136 01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:30,415 Yeah, it's on Trend Ladder. Did he kill him? 1137 01:03:30,495 --> 01:03:32,114 Yeah, that's Paul Dood. 1138 01:03:32,194 --> 01:03:34,245 Who's Paul Dood? Oh mate, that's him! 1139 01:03:34,325 --> 01:03:35,990 Shit! Fucking Nora! 1140 01:03:41,950 --> 01:03:43,269 Money... GASPS 1141 01:03:43,349 --> 01:03:45,182 Father. 1142 01:03:45,647 --> 01:03:46,898 What do you want? 1143 01:03:46,978 --> 01:03:49,329 My son, what is the matter? 1144 01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:50,395 You're going to pay for what you've done. 1145 01:03:50,475 --> 01:03:51,760 Do I know you? 1146 01:03:51,840 --> 01:03:53,259 Are you from the parish council? 1147 01:03:53,339 --> 01:03:54,757 Devil, be gone. 1148 01:03:54,837 --> 01:03:56,623 OK, there is no church fund. 1149 01:03:56,703 --> 01:03:57,821 No! 1150 01:03:57,901 --> 01:04:01,384 It was a lie, but I promise 1151 01:04:01,464 --> 01:04:03,915 we'll give back the money to the parish council. 1152 01:04:03,995 --> 01:04:07,193 Out! Sequinned demon! 1153 01:04:09,589 --> 01:04:11,056 Good on you, Kath. 1154 01:04:13,186 --> 01:04:14,519 Kath. 1155 01:04:15,517 --> 01:04:17,050 Kath. 1156 01:04:17,748 --> 01:04:19,765 Help. Kath, help me. 1157 01:04:19,845 --> 01:04:20,665 Get the buttons. 1158 01:04:20,745 --> 01:04:21,564 Buttons? 1159 01:04:21,644 --> 01:04:23,229 Quick. 1160 01:04:23,309 --> 01:04:25,759 I don't deserve to die. I'm a man of the convent. 1161 01:04:25,839 --> 01:04:28,257 No, no, no. Help. Help. 1162 01:04:28,337 --> 01:04:29,690 Get off! 1163 01:04:29,770 --> 01:04:33,366 Help me! Get the fuck off me! 1164 01:04:34,265 --> 01:04:36,297 Get off me, you paedophile! 1165 01:04:37,328 --> 01:04:39,860 SCREAMS 1166 01:04:40,159 --> 01:04:42,324 SCREAMS 1167 01:04:44,554 --> 01:04:47,120 SCREAMS 1168 01:04:48,417 --> 01:04:50,169 Fuck. 1169 01:04:50,249 --> 01:04:52,414 SCREAMS 1170 01:04:56,210 --> 01:04:58,793 SCREAMS 1171 01:04:58,873 --> 01:05:01,305 SCREAMS. 1172 01:05:05,467 --> 01:05:07,033 SQUELCHES 1173 01:05:16,389 --> 01:05:18,288 GASPS 1174 01:05:19,220 --> 01:05:20,819 Oh, shit. 1175 01:05:24,747 --> 01:05:26,913 Shit. What are you looking at? 1176 01:05:30,375 --> 01:05:32,175 TREND LADDER ALERT BEEPS 1177 01:05:35,071 --> 01:05:37,070 TREND LADDER ALERT BEEPS 1178 01:05:41,497 --> 01:05:43,929 PHONE BEEPS 1179 01:05:46,526 --> 01:05:49,510 Oh, great. Paul Dood has marked himself safe 1180 01:05:49,590 --> 01:05:51,474 in the local terrorist incident. 1181 01:05:51,554 --> 01:05:53,286 Well, that's good. 1182 01:05:53,918 --> 01:05:56,849 Jayney, Paul Dood is the local terrorist incident. 1183 01:05:58,414 --> 01:06:00,979 Oh, look, Lisa, he's a bit of a hunk. 1184 01:06:01,145 --> 01:06:03,276 Come on, you. Are you done? Come on. 1185 01:06:04,374 --> 01:06:07,040 Oh, look, we see them on the telly. 1186 01:06:08,071 --> 01:06:11,302 In that Silent Witness they've always got those things on, haven't they? 1187 01:06:13,332 --> 01:06:15,051 Now, what's going to happen next, I wonder? 1188 01:06:15,131 --> 01:06:17,196 Never seen anything like that. 1189 01:06:17,827 --> 01:06:20,459 It was the pervert what done it! 1190 01:06:21,125 --> 01:06:24,640 He said he had to smash his head in with a crowbar 1191 01:06:24,720 --> 01:06:26,953 because he was using too much teeth. 1192 01:06:27,351 --> 01:06:28,437 Too much teeth? 1193 01:06:28,517 --> 01:06:30,117 You know... 1194 01:06:31,314 --> 01:06:33,213 Oh, Lisa... 1195 01:06:33,345 --> 01:06:34,431 OK, yeah. 1196 01:06:34,511 --> 01:06:36,709 HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS 1197 01:06:38,773 --> 01:06:40,439 Clemmie. 1198 01:06:50,828 --> 01:06:54,159 Clemmie, Clemmie. 1199 01:06:58,387 --> 01:06:59,705 There's been a spillage in the shop. 1200 01:06:59,785 --> 01:07:00,971 Can you come and help, please? 1201 01:07:01,051 --> 01:07:02,384 Yep. 1202 01:07:13,705 --> 01:07:15,837 Who's Paul going to kill next, Clemmie? 1203 01:07:18,334 --> 01:07:19,867 Who's next? 1204 01:07:20,831 --> 01:07:22,364 Where's the spillage? 1205 01:07:22,530 --> 01:07:24,329 Listen to me, Clemmie. 1206 01:07:24,727 --> 01:07:26,993 Why is Paul Dood killing these people? 1207 01:07:27,425 --> 01:07:28,910 Clemmie! 1208 01:07:28,990 --> 01:07:30,674 You've seen the videos. 1209 01:07:30,754 --> 01:07:32,539 Yes, I've seen the videos. They're brutal. 1210 01:07:32,619 --> 01:07:34,138 Not those ones. The ones before. 1211 01:07:34,218 --> 01:07:36,003 What do you mean, the ones before? 1212 01:07:36,083 --> 01:07:37,534 She's seen how people treat Paul. 1213 01:07:37,614 --> 01:07:39,466 What the hell is she talking about? 1214 01:07:39,546 --> 01:07:41,297 They deserve what they get. 1215 01:07:41,377 --> 01:07:43,628 They deserve what? What the fuck is happening here? 1216 01:07:43,708 --> 01:07:45,494 Who's he going for next, Clemmie? 1217 01:07:45,574 --> 01:07:46,725 Isn't it obvious? 1218 01:07:46,805 --> 01:07:48,637 Well, obviously it's not. 1219 01:07:49,602 --> 01:07:50,489 Clemmie. 1220 01:07:50,569 --> 01:07:51,854 It's Jack Tapp. 1221 01:07:51,934 --> 01:07:52,786 Who? 1222 01:07:52,866 --> 01:07:54,251 F-F-S, Jayney. 1223 01:07:54,331 --> 01:07:55,350 Well, I don't... 1224 01:07:55,430 --> 01:07:57,281 Jack Tapp, the Internet guy. 1225 01:07:57,361 --> 01:07:58,613 Where's the spillage? 1226 01:07:58,693 --> 01:08:00,625 There is no fucking spillage. 1227 01:08:01,590 --> 01:08:06,986 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1228 01:08:09,615 --> 01:08:11,881 OK? See ya. 1229 01:08:12,646 --> 01:08:14,931 Hey, who's this guy? 1230 01:08:15,011 --> 01:08:16,562 I'm a huge fan. Oh, are you? 1231 01:08:16,642 --> 01:08:17,994 Can you sign my autograph book? 1232 01:08:18,074 --> 01:08:18,960 What is that? That's not my book. 1233 01:08:19,040 --> 01:08:20,658 I collect autographs in it. 1234 01:08:20,738 --> 01:08:23,122 What's your name? Mac. 1235 01:08:23,202 --> 01:08:27,718 Mac. The rules here, Mac, are you buy a book, I sign the book. 1236 01:08:27,798 --> 01:08:30,614 You go away back to your home and, you know, get on with your life. 1237 01:08:30,694 --> 01:08:33,346 I don't have any money. 1238 01:08:33,426 --> 01:08:35,976 Well, I'm sorry about that because I can't actually give you a book. 1239 01:08:36,056 --> 01:08:39,006 This costs me money, so you've got to buy. 1240 01:08:39,086 --> 01:08:40,738 Can you not just sign mine? I can't, I'm afraid. 1241 01:08:40,818 --> 01:08:42,936 You can find me on the road some other time and, 1242 01:08:43,016 --> 01:08:44,634 you know, we can rectify this problem. 1243 01:08:44,714 --> 01:08:46,399 Thank you. Sorry, Mac. 1244 01:08:46,479 --> 01:08:47,664 Aww, Mac. Bye, Mac. 1245 01:08:47,744 --> 01:08:49,363 Hey, how's it going? 1246 01:08:49,443 --> 01:08:50,994 Good, thank you. You've got a book for me to sign? 1247 01:08:51,074 --> 01:08:53,625 Um, no. No? 1248 01:08:53,705 --> 01:08:55,856 Do you want a book? Yes, please. 1249 01:08:55,936 --> 01:08:57,521 Can I give her a book? If you give her a book... 1250 01:08:57,601 --> 01:08:58,287 She's so pretty. What's your name? 1251 01:08:58,367 --> 01:08:59,852 Yasmin. 1252 01:08:59,932 --> 01:09:03,082 OK, Yasmin. So what are you doing, Yasmin? 1253 01:09:03,162 --> 01:09:05,013 What's happening around here? Where's good to go? 1254 01:09:05,093 --> 01:09:06,512 I'm just glad to come and see you. 1255 01:09:06,592 --> 01:09:07,577 You can give your number to Gary. Just see me after. 1256 01:09:07,657 --> 01:09:09,176 OK, thanks. 1257 01:09:09,256 --> 01:09:11,155 OK, Yasmin. Fucking hell. 1258 01:09:11,920 --> 01:09:14,071 "Well, the man known locally as Paul Dood 1259 01:09:14,151 --> 01:09:16,902 "is believed to be on a rampage after failing an audition. 1260 01:09:16,982 --> 01:09:19,732 "Joining me, a couple of ladies who I think are eyewitnesses. 1261 01:09:19,812 --> 01:09:20,898 "So what happened and what did you see?" 1262 01:09:20,978 --> 01:09:22,462 "Is it going out live?" "Look, there's the camera, see?" 1263 01:09:22,542 --> 01:09:24,094 "Ladies, what did you see here?" 1264 01:09:24,174 --> 01:09:27,292 "Well, it was more the body. We saw a huge body." 1265 01:09:27,372 --> 01:09:28,989 "We were just coming home with our shopping, weren't we? 1266 01:09:29,069 --> 01:09:31,121 And then he just got his dick out." 1267 01:09:31,201 --> 01:09:32,653 That's not true, actually. 1268 01:09:32,733 --> 01:09:35,083 That's utterly wrong. I threatened to get my dick out. 1269 01:09:35,163 --> 01:09:36,448 Just to get rid of those old bags. 1270 01:09:36,528 --> 01:09:38,713 And I didn't fail the audition 1271 01:09:38,793 --> 01:09:40,312 because they didn't give me a chance to do it in the first place 1272 01:09:40,392 --> 01:09:41,644 That is fake news. 1273 01:09:41,724 --> 01:09:43,675 What do you want from us? 1274 01:09:43,755 --> 01:09:47,238 Just... I don't... Bacon sandwich to take away. 1275 01:09:47,318 --> 01:09:49,236 I'm sorry, I'm out of bacon. 1276 01:09:49,316 --> 01:09:51,082 What? 1277 01:09:51,214 --> 01:09:52,714 OK. Forget it. 1278 01:09:53,245 --> 01:09:56,961 Can you believe that? It's on the news. That is lies. 1279 01:09:57,041 --> 01:09:58,974 Do you know what I mean, mate? Lies. 1280 01:10:00,072 --> 01:10:02,257 And you need to sort out your disabled access. 1281 01:10:02,337 --> 01:10:04,568 It's utterly appalling. 1282 01:10:07,764 --> 01:10:10,096 Look what you made me do. 1283 01:10:10,928 --> 01:10:14,159 Absolute farce. 1284 01:10:14,590 --> 01:10:17,522 I will not be back. No bacon. 1285 01:10:17,954 --> 01:10:20,371 "and some amount of forensic activity, 1286 01:10:20,451 --> 01:10:22,536 "but that's all we can report here from the scene. 1287 01:10:22,616 --> 01:10:24,001 "Now back to you in the studio." 1288 01:10:24,081 --> 01:10:25,214 "Thanks very much." 1289 01:10:25,314 --> 01:10:27,978 ENGINE RUMBLING 1290 01:10:30,675 --> 01:10:33,873 Yeah, yeah, you're good, yeah. 1291 01:10:37,135 --> 01:10:39,220 This one's going to be a nightmare to clean up, isn't it? 1292 01:10:39,300 --> 01:10:40,899 What does it look like? 1293 01:10:41,497 --> 01:10:43,981 You know when a sausage bursts its skin? 1294 01:10:44,061 --> 01:10:45,113 GAGS 1295 01:10:45,193 --> 01:10:46,345 It's a bit like that. 1296 01:10:46,425 --> 01:10:50,023 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 1297 01:10:59,046 --> 01:11:01,164 Right, sir, you say that you recognised him? 1298 01:11:01,244 --> 01:11:02,396 Yeah. Where from? 1299 01:11:02,476 --> 01:11:03,495 I saw him on the telly. 1300 01:11:03,575 --> 01:11:05,726 On the telly? Yeah. 1301 01:11:05,806 --> 01:11:06,425 You hadn't met him before or seen him in the street? 1302 01:11:06,505 --> 01:11:07,990 No, no, never. 1303 01:11:08,070 --> 01:11:09,589 So only from the telly? 1304 01:11:09,669 --> 01:11:10,921 Just on the telly, but I knew it was him. 1305 01:11:11,001 --> 01:11:13,000 You knew it was him? OK. Yeah. 1306 01:11:14,164 --> 01:11:16,915 Do you have one of those clean up guys, like in Pulp Fiction 1307 01:11:16,995 --> 01:11:19,959 to, you know, clean up blood and guts in that? 1308 01:11:20,125 --> 01:11:21,510 Winston Wolf. 1309 01:11:21,590 --> 01:11:23,156 Sorry, what? 1310 01:11:23,622 --> 01:11:25,953 That's what he was called in Pulp Fiction. 1311 01:11:26,819 --> 01:11:29,117 Can you just rewind that last bit for me, please? 1312 01:11:31,880 --> 01:11:35,463 Description wise, let's say I'm 6"4, because I am. 1313 01:11:35,543 --> 01:11:37,394 Look at my hand. 1314 01:11:37,474 --> 01:11:39,592 When it reaches the height of the suspect, 1315 01:11:39,672 --> 01:11:40,824 I want you to say stop'. 1316 01:11:40,904 --> 01:11:42,403 Watch the hand. 1317 01:11:43,368 --> 01:11:44,621 You stop me. 1318 01:11:44,701 --> 01:11:45,919 I will. Which is the height? 1319 01:11:45,999 --> 01:11:48,364 Keep looking at the hand, don't look at me. 1320 01:11:48,697 --> 01:11:50,362 Was he smaller than this? 1321 01:11:51,460 --> 01:11:53,512 There. 1322 01:11:53,592 --> 01:11:56,475 Are you wasting police time, sir? No, that's how tall he was. 1323 01:11:56,555 --> 01:11:57,641 Was he a child? No, he was in a wheelchair. 1324 01:11:57,721 --> 01:11:59,653 What? 1325 01:12:00,718 --> 01:12:03,335 "We now have additional news from the developing situation 1326 01:12:03,415 --> 01:12:05,333 "with the murder in Finchmere, 1327 01:12:05,413 --> 01:12:07,612 "which has gone viral on Trend Ladder." 1328 01:12:07,944 --> 01:12:09,729 What's that? That's his wheelchair. 1329 01:12:09,809 --> 01:12:11,960 He had a wheelchair for some reason. 1330 01:12:12,040 --> 01:12:13,226 It was definitely a wheelchair, was it? 1331 01:12:13,306 --> 01:12:14,257 Not, like, a shop mobility scooter? 1332 01:12:14,337 --> 01:12:15,690 No, it was a wheelchair. 1333 01:12:15,770 --> 01:12:17,188 So the gentleman was disabled. 1334 01:12:17,268 --> 01:12:18,986 He might have stolen it. 1335 01:12:19,066 --> 01:12:20,219 You can't accuse him of stealing something, sir. 1336 01:12:20,299 --> 01:12:21,250 How do you know that? 1337 01:12:21,330 --> 01:12:23,096 Suspect is now in a wheelchair. 1338 01:12:24,161 --> 01:12:27,792 I repeat, suspect is now in a wheelchair in disguise. Over. 1339 01:12:28,757 --> 01:12:31,954 "He's wearing a brown coat and he has a samurai sword." 1340 01:12:32,120 --> 01:12:34,071 "Reports are coming in, 1341 01:12:34,151 --> 01:12:38,748 "he is dressed in a sparkly, spangly, tight-fitting green unitard." 1342 01:12:40,078 --> 01:12:43,628 Dispatch to all units, the suspect has been spotted 1343 01:12:43,708 --> 01:12:45,660 entering the Belshire Shopping Centre. 1344 01:12:45,740 --> 01:12:48,356 Repeat, the suspect has been spotted 1345 01:12:48,436 --> 01:12:50,902 entering the Belshire Shopping Centre. 1346 01:12:52,100 --> 01:12:53,766 What are you doing, Paul? 1347 01:12:54,330 --> 01:12:56,215 Paul, Paul, Paul. What are you doing? 1348 01:12:56,295 --> 01:12:57,980 What are you up to? What's going on? What's happening? 1349 01:12:58,060 --> 01:12:59,393 TREND LADDER ALERT 1350 01:12:59,526 --> 01:13:01,025 "Just pricing up." 1351 01:13:01,624 --> 01:13:04,240 "Tagging up stuff from Alfred's box." 1352 01:13:04,320 --> 01:13:06,486 Mummy, I want it. 1353 01:13:07,317 --> 01:13:09,003 Oh, God, not another one, darling. 1354 01:13:09,083 --> 01:13:10,035 You've got so many at home. 1355 01:13:10,115 --> 01:13:11,748 But I want it. 1356 01:13:12,912 --> 01:13:15,196 But you'll have to carry it all day long, darling. 1357 01:13:15,276 --> 01:13:16,795 Actually, you'll have to carry it. 1358 01:13:16,875 --> 01:13:19,473 How much is it? She can't have another one. 1359 01:13:20,471 --> 01:13:23,754 Daddy, can you please tell mummy that I hate her with all my heart? 1360 01:13:23,834 --> 01:13:25,900 Darling, she said to tell you that... 1361 01:13:27,065 --> 01:13:28,617 Isn't it amazing that someone's whole life... 1362 01:13:28,697 --> 01:13:30,615 is just reduced to this box? 1363 01:13:30,695 --> 01:13:33,359 and you're tagging it up. 1364 01:13:34,624 --> 01:13:37,940 Do you have anything more realistic? This seems a bit far-fetched. 1365 01:13:38,020 --> 01:13:40,752 It's a comic book, it's meant to be far-fetched. 1366 01:13:40,951 --> 01:13:42,336 A bit much for me. 1367 01:13:42,416 --> 01:13:43,982 Try a fishing manual. 1368 01:13:44,148 --> 01:13:45,400 We've got one over there. 1369 01:13:45,480 --> 01:13:46,846 OK. Pretty realistic. 1370 01:13:48,477 --> 01:13:51,774 Paul, have you seen what the tags say? 1371 01:13:53,305 --> 01:13:54,823 It says that on all of them, mate. 1372 01:13:54,903 --> 01:13:56,755 I think this might be an American book. 1373 01:13:56,835 --> 01:13:58,786 The fish look different. 1374 01:13:58,866 --> 01:14:01,217 I couldn't give two wanks where your fish are from, mate. 1375 01:14:01,297 --> 01:14:02,996 Have you twatted the whole shop? 1376 01:14:04,161 --> 01:14:05,014 Why would you do that, Paul? 1377 01:14:05,094 --> 01:14:06,945 I didn't do it. 1378 01:14:07,025 --> 01:14:08,809 If it was me, I'd put the C word on it. 1379 01:14:08,889 --> 01:14:10,422 DOOR OPENS 1380 01:14:11,121 --> 01:14:12,920 OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS 1381 01:14:13,818 --> 01:14:14,937 Fuck. 1382 01:14:15,017 --> 01:14:16,369 DOOR CLOSES 1383 01:14:16,449 --> 01:14:19,466 Paul, did you have a nice lunch break? 1384 01:14:19,546 --> 01:14:21,911 I did, actually, Jayney. Yes, thank you. 1385 01:14:22,110 --> 01:14:24,475 Where's Bruce? Um. 1386 01:14:24,840 --> 01:14:26,225 Hi, Paul. Clemmie! 1387 01:14:26,305 --> 01:14:27,391 What are you doing here? 1388 01:14:27,471 --> 01:14:29,888 Waiting for you. Are you? 1389 01:14:29,968 --> 01:14:31,701 That's nice. 1390 01:14:33,798 --> 01:14:36,463 Where's Bruce, Clemmie? He's hiding down there. 1391 01:14:36,662 --> 01:14:38,394 Thank you. 1392 01:14:42,157 --> 01:14:44,188 Bruce. 1393 01:14:45,686 --> 01:14:47,419 Bruce. 1394 01:14:48,749 --> 01:14:50,582 Bruce. 1395 01:14:52,179 --> 01:14:54,578 Fuck you very much, Clemmie. 1396 01:14:59,305 --> 01:15:01,671 SIRENS WAIL 1397 01:15:06,831 --> 01:15:08,730 Bruce. 1398 01:15:11,494 --> 01:15:12,946 Police! 1399 01:15:13,026 --> 01:15:14,558 Drop you weapon, sir. 1400 01:15:15,124 --> 01:15:16,689 Drop the weapon now. 1401 01:15:16,888 --> 01:15:18,454 OK. 1402 01:15:19,419 --> 01:15:21,337 Slowly. It's cool. 1403 01:15:21,417 --> 01:15:23,216 What are you doing? 1404 01:15:24,347 --> 01:15:27,178 OK, everyone stay calm. 1405 01:15:28,111 --> 01:15:29,776 Where's Bruce? 1406 01:15:30,241 --> 01:15:32,706 Bruce. 1407 01:15:33,039 --> 01:15:34,472 I don't want to die. 1408 01:15:36,535 --> 01:15:39,433 I don't want to die. Oh, for God's sake, get up, Brucey. 1409 01:15:39,566 --> 01:15:41,484 GASPS 1410 01:15:41,564 --> 01:15:42,896 Hi, Paul. 1411 01:15:43,096 --> 01:15:45,113 OK, Paul. Listen to me. 1412 01:15:45,193 --> 01:15:47,425 I need you to be calm, OK? 1413 01:15:48,390 --> 01:15:50,722 You made me miss the audition. 1414 01:15:51,720 --> 01:15:53,238 Come on, Paul. 1415 01:15:53,318 --> 01:15:54,803 We were just messing around like normal. 1416 01:15:54,883 --> 01:15:56,003 You know me. 1417 01:15:56,083 --> 01:15:57,681 I'm a fucking idiot. 1418 01:15:58,180 --> 01:16:00,597 OK Paul, you wanted to audition, right, 1419 01:16:00,677 --> 01:16:02,229 for the Trend Ladder show? Yes. 1420 01:16:02,309 --> 01:16:04,475 That's great. What was your act? 1421 01:16:04,773 --> 01:16:06,406 Quite hard to describe. 1422 01:16:07,971 --> 01:16:10,235 Music, dance, singing based. 1423 01:16:11,034 --> 01:16:16,363 But my mum, she wanted to see it but she didn't really. 1424 01:16:19,359 --> 01:16:20,878 I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your mum. 1425 01:16:20,958 --> 01:16:22,390 I really am 1426 01:16:22,889 --> 01:16:25,653 but do you think she would have wanted this? 1427 01:16:28,916 --> 01:16:31,334 Not quite. 1428 01:16:31,414 --> 01:16:33,265 But she wanted to see me audition for Jack Tapp. 1429 01:16:33,345 --> 01:16:35,829 She did I think, but I wasn't ready. 1430 01:16:35,909 --> 01:16:37,608 Are you ready now? 1431 01:16:37,840 --> 01:16:39,558 Yeah. OK. 1432 01:16:39,638 --> 01:16:41,957 Well what if I was to get Jack Tapp here 1433 01:16:42,037 --> 01:16:43,788 and you was to audition again? 1434 01:16:43,868 --> 01:16:45,619 I mean, would you release some of the hostages then? 1435 01:16:45,699 --> 01:16:47,332 Yeah. 1436 01:16:47,498 --> 01:16:49,763 They could go. Um. 1437 01:16:50,094 --> 01:16:52,112 Weird man could go. Great. 1438 01:16:52,192 --> 01:16:53,445 Clemmie could go. I want to stay. 1439 01:16:53,525 --> 01:16:55,157 Do you? 1440 01:16:59,286 --> 01:17:00,785 OK, that's great. 1441 01:17:01,183 --> 01:17:03,168 Paul, I'm going to go outside. 1442 01:17:03,248 --> 01:17:04,600 I'm going to get hold of Jack Tapp. 1443 01:17:04,680 --> 01:17:06,432 I need you to apply full pressure to that. 1444 01:17:06,512 --> 01:17:08,063 Please don't take your hand off. 1445 01:17:08,143 --> 01:17:10,142 If you do, you won't get to audition. 1446 01:17:10,375 --> 01:17:12,073 OK? Good point. 1447 01:17:12,406 --> 01:17:14,224 I'm going to get Jack Tapp. I'll be back. 1448 01:17:14,304 --> 01:17:16,303 Just stay watching. Thank you. 1449 01:17:18,500 --> 01:17:21,064 How are you? Very well thank you? 1450 01:17:21,796 --> 01:17:23,429 It's very good to see you. 1451 01:17:23,895 --> 01:17:25,546 And you. 1452 01:17:25,626 --> 01:17:27,558 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1453 01:17:28,990 --> 01:17:30,808 Look, whatever it takes, we need to get Jack Tapp down here. 1454 01:17:30,888 --> 01:17:32,373 Absolutely not. 1455 01:17:32,453 --> 01:17:33,771 He said that he's going to release four hostages 1456 01:17:33,851 --> 01:17:35,303 if we can Jack Tapp down here. 1457 01:17:35,383 --> 01:17:39,513 I understand that but... LAUGHING 1458 01:17:40,777 --> 01:17:42,196 it can be quite difficult. 1459 01:17:42,276 --> 01:17:44,094 He's got a hand grenade and a sword. 1460 01:17:44,174 --> 01:17:46,373 I'll figure something out. 1461 01:17:47,737 --> 01:17:49,122 Who wrote this? 1462 01:17:49,202 --> 01:17:51,586 Would you like some tea? 1463 01:17:51,666 --> 01:17:53,451 No one wants a cup of tea in this fucking situation, Jayney. 1464 01:17:53,531 --> 01:17:55,064 They might do. 1465 01:17:55,929 --> 01:17:58,161 Exciting. Keep... 1466 01:18:00,724 --> 01:18:02,257 I feel sick. 1467 01:18:03,155 --> 01:18:05,006 His video's like number 2 on Trend Ladder. 1468 01:18:05,086 --> 01:18:06,571 What? Number 2? 1469 01:18:06,651 --> 01:18:07,903 Yeah. How? 1470 01:18:07,983 --> 01:18:11,566 I don't know, everyone's calling for you to go down there. 1471 01:18:11,646 --> 01:18:12,965 Why would I do that? There's no benefit in that for me. 1472 01:18:13,045 --> 01:18:14,578 For the hostages. 1473 01:18:15,542 --> 01:18:17,161 Like I said, there's no benefit in that for me. 1474 01:18:17,241 --> 01:18:18,607 You could be the hero. 1475 01:18:18,873 --> 01:18:19,692 I could be the hero. Yeah. 1476 01:18:19,772 --> 01:18:21,471 Yes! 1477 01:18:22,002 --> 01:18:24,687 I could be the Super Jack. 1478 01:18:24,767 --> 01:18:26,518 Super Tapp. Tapp Man. 1479 01:18:26,598 --> 01:18:28,398 Tapp Man and Gary. 1480 01:18:30,395 --> 01:18:32,379 No, Super Tapp and Gary just doesn't roll off the tongue. 1481 01:18:32,459 --> 01:18:34,125 It sounds lame. 1482 01:18:34,956 --> 01:18:38,107 You could be Dog Boy, or Super Tapp and Grey Guy. 1483 01:18:38,187 --> 01:18:39,005 Grey Guy. Grey Guy then, let's have it. 1484 01:18:39,085 --> 01:18:41,451 SIRENS WAIL 1485 01:18:43,315 --> 01:18:45,599 OK, perfect. Thank you I will see you soon. 1486 01:18:45,679 --> 01:18:47,478 Alright, thanks. 1487 01:18:48,343 --> 01:18:51,094 Excuse me. Set up a perimeter 50 metres further back. 1488 01:18:51,174 --> 01:18:52,726 Alright? I don't want anybody coming any closer. 1489 01:18:52,806 --> 01:18:55,556 "Close all shops, shutters down, shutters down. Copy that." 1490 01:18:55,636 --> 01:18:57,787 'Police are locking off all areas 1491 01:18:57,867 --> 01:19:00,351 'and have shut down the Belshire Shopping Centre 1492 01:19:00,431 --> 01:19:03,062 'where there are now several hostages involved. 1493 01:19:03,861 --> 01:19:07,111 'The wild man who has been identified as Paul Dood 1494 01:19:07,191 --> 01:19:09,908 'is now demanding to audition for Jack Tapp, 1495 01:19:09,988 --> 01:19:11,839 'who is in the area for a book signing.' 1496 01:19:11,919 --> 01:19:14,004 CROWD CHEERING 1497 01:19:14,084 --> 01:19:16,834 OK, where's... 1498 01:19:16,914 --> 01:19:18,633 Gary? Stand back! 1499 01:19:18,713 --> 01:19:19,898 Where's Gary? 1500 01:19:19,978 --> 01:19:21,677 Gary? 1501 01:19:22,908 --> 01:19:23,894 Is Gary there? I'm here. 1502 01:19:23,974 --> 01:19:25,673 Oh, Gary. 1503 01:19:27,071 --> 01:19:29,303 Those English cops. Have you got my snacks? 1504 01:19:29,702 --> 01:19:31,434 I've got nothing on me, mate. 1505 01:19:32,133 --> 01:19:33,917 I need my snacks, Gary. 1506 01:19:33,997 --> 01:19:35,749 I'm going to get hungry. 1507 01:19:35,829 --> 01:19:37,880 You know I eat 17 times a day in very small amounts. 1508 01:19:37,960 --> 01:19:38,812 I know how many times you eat. 1509 01:19:38,892 --> 01:19:40,625 SIRENS WAIL 1510 01:20:02,203 --> 01:20:04,135 TREND LADDER ALERT 1511 01:20:06,065 --> 01:20:09,149 Paul, you're number 1 on the Ladder. 1512 01:20:09,229 --> 01:20:10,928 What? 1513 01:20:17,654 --> 01:20:19,153 No pressure then! 1514 01:20:20,185 --> 01:20:23,881 "Ground control to PC Miles. 1515 01:20:24,014 --> 01:20:25,566 "Armed response are on the way. 1516 01:20:25,646 --> 01:20:27,364 "They're going to deal with him when they get there." 1517 01:20:27,444 --> 01:20:29,428 Listen, you don't need to kill him, OK? 1518 01:20:29,508 --> 01:20:31,926 He's co-operating. Just give me time, please? 1519 01:20:32,006 --> 01:20:34,024 "Thanks for holding the fort. 1520 01:20:34,104 --> 01:20:36,402 "There'll be a promotion for you in this." 1521 01:20:36,668 --> 01:20:38,600 Hip baaa. 1522 01:20:40,731 --> 01:20:42,496 Hip baaa. 1523 01:20:44,926 --> 01:20:47,525 Hip baaa. 1524 01:20:47,691 --> 01:20:49,741 CROWD CHEERING 1525 01:20:49,821 --> 01:20:51,887 CROWD: Jack! Jack! 1526 01:20:52,818 --> 01:20:55,236 Everything's OK. It's all taken care of. 1527 01:20:55,316 --> 01:20:58,000 I'm going to get in there and save the day, guys. 1528 01:20:58,080 --> 01:21:00,012 All right, all right, keep it calm, OK? 1529 01:21:01,842 --> 01:21:03,961 Listen guys, you can watch me on the video, OK? 1530 01:21:04,041 --> 01:21:06,325 Go online and you can catch everything on there, OK? 1531 01:21:06,405 --> 01:21:08,038 OK, let's do it. 1532 01:21:08,469 --> 01:21:09,869 Just one other thing. 1533 01:21:10,101 --> 01:21:14,983 Um, thanks everybody for watching this. 1534 01:21:15,063 --> 01:21:16,714 This is a really dangerous thing that I'm doing. 1535 01:21:16,794 --> 01:21:18,680 Just hang on a second, OK! 1536 01:21:18,760 --> 01:21:19,844 I think I left something in the car. 1537 01:21:19,924 --> 01:21:21,443 There's nothing in the car mate. 1538 01:21:21,523 --> 01:21:23,941 But isn't there some water in there? 1539 01:21:24,021 --> 01:21:25,306 - I can get you water. - We've got water here. 1540 01:21:25,386 --> 01:21:27,470 You've got water? Yep, come on. 1541 01:21:27,550 --> 01:21:29,036 Did somebody say they wanted a selfie with me or something? 1542 01:21:29,116 --> 01:21:30,448 Me! 1543 01:21:31,979 --> 01:21:34,664 There's no time for a selfie, mate. You've got to save the people. 1544 01:21:34,744 --> 01:21:35,596 He won't let them go unless you go in, so come on, please. 1545 01:21:35,676 --> 01:21:37,441 Sorry, guys. 1546 01:21:38,506 --> 01:21:40,405 I'll be back later for a selfie. 1547 01:21:41,137 --> 01:21:42,589 OK, he's just in the shop here. He's in there, is he? 1548 01:21:42,669 --> 01:21:43,921 I can't do this. Sorry? 1549 01:21:44,001 --> 01:21:45,718 Tell me, tell me, OK 1550 01:21:45,798 --> 01:21:47,517 Do I really need to go in there? 1551 01:21:47,597 --> 01:21:48,982 You have to go in there, Jack. 1552 01:21:49,062 --> 01:21:50,548 But what if I just watch it from out here. 1553 01:21:50,628 --> 01:21:51,913 What's the difference? Why do I have to go in there? 1554 01:21:51,993 --> 01:21:53,891 Just be the hero, like we said. 1555 01:21:54,357 --> 01:21:56,807 Sorry, Jack. I just... I don't fucking care, OK! 1556 01:21:56,887 --> 01:21:57,907 Don't fucking shout at me, you little prick. 1557 01:21:57,987 --> 01:21:59,819 Are you a real cop or what? 1558 01:21:59,951 --> 01:22:01,702 What's he doing? 1559 01:22:01,782 --> 01:22:03,382 AUDIO FROM PHONE PLAYING 1560 01:22:03,648 --> 01:22:05,114 What's he saying? 1561 01:22:05,912 --> 01:22:08,229 "I don't fucking care! Have you seen that guy? 1562 01:22:08,309 --> 01:22:11,226 "He's already auditioned for me once. He fucking sucks. 1563 01:22:11,306 --> 01:22:12,559 "He's a fucking loser. Look at the way he's dressed. 1564 01:22:12,639 --> 01:22:15,289 "He looks like Ziggy Housedust. 1565 01:22:15,369 --> 01:22:18,219 "How old is he, like 40? He does not have it . 1566 01:22:18,299 --> 01:22:21,017 "He fucking sucks, OK. He's a fucking loser." 1567 01:22:21,097 --> 01:22:23,115 He's a fucking zero. 1568 01:22:23,195 --> 01:22:24,880 CROWD BOOS 1569 01:22:24,960 --> 01:22:27,791 Fuck you! You go in there. You fucking die! 1570 01:22:28,690 --> 01:22:31,373 You've got no fucking talent. You're never going to make it, OK? 1571 01:22:31,453 --> 01:22:33,605 Oh, brilliant. Wonderful. 1572 01:22:33,685 --> 01:22:35,184 They've all got that. 1573 01:22:36,082 --> 01:22:37,700 So shall we go in now and save the day? 1574 01:22:37,780 --> 01:22:39,745 You fucking moron. 1575 01:22:40,511 --> 01:22:42,709 You've got to come back. 1576 01:22:43,408 --> 01:22:45,026 I've got to get out of here. No you don't. 1577 01:22:45,106 --> 01:22:47,290 I'm having a panic attack. Gary! 1578 01:22:47,370 --> 01:22:49,702 "Gary. Fuck you, Gary." 1579 01:22:53,964 --> 01:22:55,896 I don't think you're a loser, Paul. 1580 01:22:57,094 --> 01:22:59,160 I don't think that either, Paul. 1581 01:22:59,625 --> 01:23:01,324 Yeah, neither do I, mate. 1582 01:23:02,289 --> 01:23:04,820 I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel that way. 1583 01:23:05,685 --> 01:23:07,504 I mean, could a loser kill four people? 1584 01:23:07,584 --> 01:23:09,316 And maybe even seven more? 1585 01:23:09,448 --> 01:23:10,934 On one lunch break? 1586 01:23:11,014 --> 01:23:12,879 What the shit, Clemmie! 1587 01:23:13,645 --> 01:23:14,763 Jack Tapp thinks I'm a loser. 1588 01:23:14,843 --> 01:23:17,693 Yeah well, he's a loser. 1589 01:23:17,773 --> 01:23:19,672 Who cares what he thinks? 1590 01:23:19,804 --> 01:23:21,937 It's they you should care about. 1591 01:23:22,036 --> 01:23:23,587 That terrified family? 1592 01:23:23,667 --> 01:23:26,266 No, Paul, your audience. 1593 01:23:27,564 --> 01:23:31,712 Yeah, man, you're number 1 on Trend Ladder, Paul! 1594 01:23:31,792 --> 01:23:34,291 And they're expecting a hell of a performance. 1595 01:23:35,422 --> 01:23:36,874 Mummy. Yes, darling. 1596 01:23:36,954 --> 01:23:38,273 I want to be number 1 on Trend Ladder. 1597 01:23:38,353 --> 01:23:39,986 OK. 1598 01:23:43,181 --> 01:23:44,847 Let's do it. 1599 01:23:46,345 --> 01:23:48,810 Go on, Paul. Show them what you've got, Paulie. 1600 01:23:50,374 --> 01:23:52,373 What the! It's OK. I've got strong knees. 1601 01:23:53,737 --> 01:23:55,636 SIRENS WAIL 1602 01:24:00,531 --> 01:24:02,130 POLICE WALKIE-TALKIES 1603 01:24:10,321 --> 01:24:12,705 CHANTING SOFTLY: Paul Dood, Paul Dood. 1604 01:24:12,785 --> 01:24:15,649 MORE PEOPLE CHANTING: Paul Dood, Paul Dood. 1605 01:24:16,914 --> 01:24:20,345 LOUDER: Paul Dood, Paul Dood. 1606 01:24:31,233 --> 01:24:34,131 ALL CHANTING: Paul Dood, Paul Dood. 1607 01:24:34,863 --> 01:24:36,862 CHANTING GETS LOUDER 1608 01:24:38,259 --> 01:24:39,892 This one's for my mum. 1609 01:24:40,257 --> 01:24:42,589 CROWD CHEERING 1610 01:24:46,751 --> 01:24:49,735 ELECTRIC DREAMS BY THE HUMAN LEAGUE PLAYS 1611 01:24:49,815 --> 01:24:51,914 Paul Dood's going to get you in the mood. 1612 01:25:30,774 --> 01:25:34,223 I only knew you for a while 1613 01:25:34,303 --> 01:25:36,821 I never saw your smile 1614 01:25:36,901 --> 01:25:39,651 Until it was time to go 1615 01:25:39,731 --> 01:25:43,162 Time to go away 1616 01:25:45,792 --> 01:25:48,542 Sometimes it's hard to recognise 1617 01:25:48,622 --> 01:25:51,653 It comes as a surprise 1618 01:25:52,918 --> 01:25:57,667 And it's too late It's just too late to say 1619 01:25:57,747 --> 01:26:01,177 Too late to say 1620 01:26:02,808 --> 01:26:05,173 We'll always be together 1621 01:26:05,505 --> 01:26:08,737 However far it seems 1622 01:26:10,834 --> 01:26:16,729 We'll always be together Together in electric dreams 1623 01:26:17,993 --> 01:26:23,655 We'll always be together However far it seems 1624 01:26:25,652 --> 01:26:31,147 We'll always be together In electric dreams 1625 01:26:32,079 --> 01:26:33,812 GUITAR SOLO 1626 01:26:49,928 --> 01:26:51,894 MUSIC TURNS TO SOFT PIANO VERSION 1627 01:27:40,311 --> 01:27:42,909 SOUND OF TASER GOING OFF 1628 01:27:46,838 --> 01:27:49,469 CROWD CHANTING: Paul Dood, Paul Dood. 1629 01:27:49,967 --> 01:27:52,466 CHEERING 1630 01:28:05,752 --> 01:28:07,137 Was that on camera? It's all on camera, mate. 1631 01:28:07,217 --> 01:28:08,583 Fuck! 1632 01:28:09,249 --> 01:28:11,714 I RAN (SO FAR AWAY) BY FLOCK OF SEAGULLS PLAYS 1633 01:28:43,014 --> 01:28:44,913 I walk along the avenue 1634 01:28:46,578 --> 01:28:50,341 I never thought I'd meet a girl like you 1635 01:28:50,440 --> 01:28:53,805 Meet a girl like you 1636 01:28:56,068 --> 01:28:59,066 With auburn hair and tawny eyes 1637 01:28:59,731 --> 01:29:03,695 The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through 1638 01:29:03,927 --> 01:29:06,958 Hypnotise me through 1639 01:29:08,522 --> 01:29:13,618 And I ran I ran so far away 1640 01:29:15,415 --> 01:29:20,311 I just ran, I ran all night and day 1641 01:29:20,943 --> 01:29:22,509 I couldn't get away 1642 01:30:01,003 --> 01:30:06,432 And I ran, I ran so far away 1643 01:30:07,630 --> 01:30:13,310 I just ran, I ran all night and day 1644 01:30:13,390 --> 01:30:14,823 I couldn't get away ♪ 1645 01:30:26,544 --> 01:30:28,510 May you walk with faith. 1646 01:30:28,808 --> 01:30:30,394 Amen. 1647 01:30:30,474 --> 01:30:32,772 Something about Corinthians. I can't remember. 1648 01:30:34,670 --> 01:30:36,801 Sort of tangled in my belt. 1649 01:30:37,467 --> 01:30:39,898 Don't worry love. You'll make it. You'll get it. 1650 01:30:42,662 --> 01:30:44,760 Can't take you anywhere, can I? 1651 01:30:46,257 --> 01:30:47,809 Hey mother fucker. 1652 01:30:47,889 --> 01:30:49,707 Is this live? 1653 01:30:49,787 --> 01:30:52,438 You're live on television. We're going to be on the telly. 1654 01:30:52,518 --> 01:30:54,104 You're on the telly now. Oh look, there's the cameras. 1655 01:30:54,184 --> 01:30:55,583 Jack Tapp. 1656 01:30:56,148 --> 01:30:57,780 Fucking such a dick. 1657 01:30:58,546 --> 01:31:01,610 Shit in my mouth. Jesus fucked a goat. 1658 01:31:02,142 --> 01:31:04,307 What is happening here? LAUGHTER 1659 01:31:10,200 --> 01:31:12,718 Is he going to be sick? No, no, no. 1660 01:31:12,798 --> 01:31:16,147 Money. Church roof. LAUGHS 1661 01:31:16,227 --> 01:31:18,193 Sorry! 1662 01:31:19,558 --> 01:31:21,490 Money! 1663 01:31:21,722 --> 01:31:24,306 Get one of these or one of these. 1664 01:31:24,386 --> 01:31:25,572 How dehydrated are you? 1665 01:31:25,652 --> 01:31:27,184 Got you. 1666 01:31:28,782 --> 01:31:30,314 Come on in. 1667 01:31:32,378 --> 01:31:35,176 Come on. LAUGHTER 1668 01:31:35,808 --> 01:31:37,840 See what your fans think of this, Jack Tapp. 1669 01:31:40,237 --> 01:31:42,702 LAUGHTER 1670 01:31:44,433 --> 01:31:46,499 I'm going, Gary, I'm going. 1671 01:31:46,697 --> 01:31:48,463 Gary, hold me. 1672 01:31:50,893 --> 01:31:54,190 Sorry. Up you get. 1673 01:31:54,490 --> 01:31:56,274 It's not working now. 1674 01:31:56,354 --> 01:31:58,753 It's all broken. You've ridden it too much. 1675 01:31:59,318 --> 01:32:00,937 You've ridden it too much. 1676 01:32:01,017 --> 01:32:02,583 Mummy... Time to go. 1677 01:32:03,048 --> 01:32:04,680 I want another go. 1678 01:32:12,771 --> 01:32:14,589 Take this and write your name on it. 1679 01:32:14,669 --> 01:32:16,835 One to go for... 1680 01:32:18,165 --> 01:32:20,616 - I don't want to be a problem. - One for Alvin Stardust. 1681 01:32:20,696 --> 01:32:23,261 - I'll just drink it. - Only drinks water now. 1682 01:32:25,559 --> 01:32:28,357 You shame me. You look ridiculous. 1683 01:32:29,154 --> 01:32:30,740 Right. 1684 01:32:30,820 --> 01:32:33,537 And I really like what you've done with your eyes. 1685 01:32:33,617 --> 01:32:35,835 - Thank you, it... - It really brings out your stupidity. 1686 01:32:35,915 --> 01:32:38,213 SPLUTTERING 1687 01:32:43,107 --> 01:32:44,773 'Does you mum make scones?' 1688 01:32:45,705 --> 01:32:47,323 Yeah. 'Yeah?' 1689 01:32:47,403 --> 01:32:49,054 'Is her scone moist?' 1690 01:32:49,134 --> 01:32:50,920 Yeah. 'Really moist?' 1691 01:32:51,000 --> 01:32:52,618 Really moist. 1692 01:32:52,698 --> 01:32:54,582 'Yeah? You like eating your mum's scone?' 1693 01:32:54,662 --> 01:32:56,162 Yeah. 1694 01:32:57,493 --> 01:32:59,825 LAUGHTER 1695 01:33:01,057 --> 01:33:03,507 So, £20 isn't it? Uh, no. 1696 01:33:03,587 --> 01:33:05,353 £10 if you take the tits. 1697 01:33:05,985 --> 01:33:08,749 Yeah, there's a lot of fond memories attached to those. 1698 01:33:09,214 --> 01:33:11,347 Really? Yeah, and you get the tray. 1699 01:33:11,513 --> 01:33:13,811 Yeah, but that's £5 a boob. 1700 01:33:14,443 --> 01:33:16,794 Bargain. Yeah, nice quality. 1701 01:33:16,874 --> 01:33:18,507 Bargain boobs. 1702 01:33:19,104 --> 01:33:20,823 What's his talent? 1703 01:33:20,903 --> 01:33:22,088 Are you the talented one, or is he the talented one? 1704 01:33:22,168 --> 01:33:23,454 He's the talented one. 1705 01:33:23,534 --> 01:33:25,599 - He is? - I'm just his dummy. 1706 01:33:26,797 --> 01:33:28,382 Thanks, Arnold. 1707 01:33:28,462 --> 01:33:29,980 Because I'm off to an audition, you see. 1708 01:33:30,060 --> 01:33:31,512 Yeah, an audition. 1709 01:33:31,592 --> 01:33:33,710 Are you sure you're not sat in a 70s car 1710 01:33:33,790 --> 01:33:35,390 cracking the big case 1711 01:33:36,321 --> 01:33:38,353 Taking photographs of cheating husband? 1712 01:33:38,486 --> 01:33:40,536 Big private eye with P on, Jack. 1713 01:33:40,616 --> 01:33:42,468 - But it's not... - Big giveaway. 1714 01:33:42,548 --> 01:33:44,214 It's Paul. 1715 01:33:44,679 --> 01:33:46,064 What, in case you forget your own name? 1716 01:33:46,144 --> 01:33:47,777 What does it look like? 1717 01:33:48,708 --> 01:33:50,560 Like when you throw a condom off and it just... 1718 01:33:50,640 --> 01:33:52,091 sticks to the wall. 1719 01:33:52,171 --> 01:33:53,704 A bit like that. 1720 01:33:54,436 --> 01:33:56,369 Like a cheese grater on like a... 1721 01:33:56,867 --> 01:33:58,566 banana. 1722 01:33:58,865 --> 01:34:02,729 Or like that time Gazza burst his banjo string. 1723 01:34:03,160 --> 01:34:05,026 When you fucked that kebab. 1724 01:34:05,392 --> 01:34:07,024 Messy. 1725 01:34:07,589 --> 01:34:09,555 I feel sick. 1726 01:34:11,019 --> 01:34:13,070 Would Paul like a hash brownie? 1727 01:34:13,150 --> 01:34:15,016 Or a cupcake? 1728 01:34:16,514 --> 01:34:19,112 - A water. - Would Paul like Speech lessons? 1729 01:34:19,611 --> 01:34:22,409 - This is a bit strange. - Does Paul need toilet? 1730 01:34:22,608 --> 01:34:24,207 I'm a bit nervous. 1731 01:34:39,458 --> 01:34:41,709 Look at it. It's really big, it's on my leg. 1732 01:34:41,789 --> 01:34:43,241 He's got his dick out, no. 1733 01:34:43,321 --> 01:34:44,672 Don't look at it. 1734 01:34:44,752 --> 01:34:46,452 It's too big to get out. 1735 01:34:47,749 --> 01:34:49,349 Co-op on the road. 1736 01:34:50,447 --> 01:34:52,279 LAUGHTER 1737 01:34:54,243 --> 01:34:56,175 What do you think about that? 1738 01:34:58,406 --> 01:34:58,958 The guys. 1739 01:34:59,038 --> 01:35:01,370 LAUGHTER 1740 01:35:02,202 --> 01:35:04,267 All right, take 2. We're cutting there.