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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[audience chuckling, chattering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
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The show begins now.
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-[audience cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]
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-Hey!
-Hey!
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-Seth Rogen!
-Nick Kroll.
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How's it going, man?
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-Good to see you.
-Good to see you too.
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-What's going on?
-How you been?
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I've been very good. I feel blessed.
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-Oh.
-Very blessed.
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Oh, me too, man. So blessed.
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-We're both so blessed.
-So truly blessed.
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Pretty cool.
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So, uh, so what's going on, dude?
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Not too much. Just hanging out.
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Can you do me a quick favor?
You can totally say no,
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but my cousin is like
your biggest fan in the world,
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and I was wondering,
could you make a video for him
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where you say his name,
then say "420 for life,"
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and then do your stupid fucking laugh?
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-No--
-[audience laughs]
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Honestly, like... I don't really like
portraying myself
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-as a stoner that much anymore.
-You're smoking a joint right now.
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-[audience chuckling]
-In my personal life.
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In my public life, uh, you know,
on this kind of shit,
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I don't wanna portray myself as a stoner.
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Yeah. Have you told your eyes
and your whole body of work that?
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-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
-[audience laughs]
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That's sort of the laugh,
but more like... [gruff chuckle, squeal]
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You know? Like a motorcycle drowning.
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Come on, man. Look...
I don't want to do it, okay?
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Just fucking do it.
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-I don't want to.
-You don't have to,
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but just fucking do it, man.
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-I don't want to do it. No!
-Just do it!
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Come on, I do you favors all the time.
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-What are you talking about? Like what?
-Fucking Sausage Party!
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Oh, come on, man.
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That was a good role.
You were the villain in the movie.
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You made me the douche.
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When I walk through the airport now,
people scream "douche" at me.
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That's not 'cause of the movie.
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Oh, you know what?
You're a fucking dick, bro.
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Actually, I'm kind of known
for being a super nice guy.
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It's kind of my thing.
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You're kind of actually known
for destroying an entire movie studio
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by picking a fight with North Korea.
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[audience laughs]
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Fuck you, man.
You think I don't know that?
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I know that.
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Shit! Goddamn it!
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I came here to have a good time,
and now you've stressed me out,
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so I'm gonna go do this thing
I read about,
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where you smoke a vape pen
through your pee hole.
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-Peace!
-Hey, can I come?
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No! Stop mooching dick-vape off me.
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-[Nick] Fuck you.
-[audience laughing]
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[door shuts]
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Okay, just pull out my penis.
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[audience laughing]
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Thank God no one knows I'm uncircumcised.
That would destroy my career.
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-Okay.
-[laughter]
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Time to vape it up.
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-Oh!
-[laughter]
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Feels good.
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Now...
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-[sighing]
-[audience laughs]
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Man, that shit works. Whoo!
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Hey, uh, where you going?
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Oh, uh, I'm just gonna drive my car
super fast
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through the Hollywood Hills.
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Dude, that is irresponsible and reckless.
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Can you give me a ride
to Jared Leto's sex dungeon?
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No. No.
Not after what you said to me, man.
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-[engine starts]
-[tires squealing]
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Oh, man. This is the best fucking tweet
anyone's ever read.
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Now what emoji do I cap it off with?
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Thi-- Oh, no! [screams]
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[audience laughs]
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Oh, no.
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-[cackling] Oh, yes.
-[audience laughs]
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I'm the devil, and you're in hell, my man.
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-[scoffs]
-Your eternal suffering begins now.
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The Guilt Trip was a shitty movie.
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Is that really necessary, man?
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Was it necessary to make the movie
The Guilt Trip?
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Look, I can't be in hell, man.
I'm a movie star.
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[scoffs] Tell that to Woody Allen.
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-He's not dead yet.
-Oh, really? He's not dead?
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You seen his last three movies? Okay?
Trust me. He's in hell.
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I just saw John Wayne Gacy
taking a shit in his face.
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-Look, I'm a good person. Okay?
-[scoffs]
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What have you ever done that's good
in your life?
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When have you ever given back?
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Except for when you nearly bankrupted
Bud Light with those fucking commercials.
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I can't be dead. There's so many things
I would do differently.
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I would not have smoked weed
in front of Steven Spielberg that time.
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He never looked at me
as a serious actor again.
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And that's true.
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-[chuckles] Yeah.
-[audience laughs]
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I would have taken the lead role in Ted.
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Not the bear, Ted,
but the human friend of the bear.
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You mean John?
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I don't think that's it.
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I'm Satan, the Eternal Prince
of all that's dark.
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You don't think I know the name
of the lead character
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in my favorite movie of all time,
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starring my favorite actor,
directed by my favorite filmmaker?
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Okay? It's fucking John.
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Honestly, if there's one major thing
I would have done differently,
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I would've started a charity.
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-Wow.
-Yeah.
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You just surprised me right now.
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I didn't think you'd have it in you,
but Seth, you do.
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I'm gonna tell you this right now.
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I'm gonna give you one more chance.
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I'm gonna send you back to Earth,
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but you need to start a charity.
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I will.
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I'm gonna start a charity,
and it will be the best celebrity charity
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anyone's ever fucking seen
in their entire life.
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-Right. Charity's not a competition.
-Oh, it is a competition,
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and I'm gonna win
that fucking competition.
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Everyone's gonna be like,
"Have you seen Seth Rogen's charity?
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It's the best charity I've ever seen."
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And they'll all be sucking
on my vape pen-filled dick.
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-[audience laughs]
-You are missing the point.
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I am not missing anything.
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Send me back, devil.
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All right, fuck off, Seth.
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[audio squealing]
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-Wake up, man! Wake up!
-Oh, shit.
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Oh, thank God.
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I must have just nodded off. Oh, my God.
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Yeah, dude, you were in the corner
slumped over like this.
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We thought you were dead,
but then you shit your pants.
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It's the only way we knew you were alive.
It smelled like lobster mac and cheese.
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-[audience laughing]
-It was actually pretty good.
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-You ate it?
-No, I just smelled it really close.
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-What's your fucking problem, dude?
-[laughter]
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Hey, man, you gotta go clean up
that mac and cheese shit-smear, dude.
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No time, man. Not at all.
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-I've got a charity to start.
-What?
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Do you want to take the vape pen
out of your dick hole first?
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-Yeah. [grunts]
-[popping]
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You want some?
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Yeah. Fucking disgusting. Totally.
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-Cowabunga, dude.
-Cool.
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Gonna go start that charity, man.
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Hey, you need me for any of it?
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No, I'm trying to get better people
than you. -All right. So blessed.
-Thank you.
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Hi. Get me Netflix. John Netflix. Senior.
156
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,929
John? It's Seth Rogen.
I'm gonna start a charity event.
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This is the opening bit
to the charity event,
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and then, I'm gonna do
like the opening title sequence,
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and I was thinking of doing it
where I stand on stage
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and I Care Bear stare the people's names
out of my tummy as it glows.
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-And I'm gonna do that right now.
-[upbeat music plays]
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[woman]
It's Seth Rogen's Hilarity for Charity...
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-[audience cheering]
-...starring: Ike Barinholtz,
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Sacha Baron Cohen,
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Jeff Goldblum,
166
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:51,869
Chris Hardwick,
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00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,413
Nick Kroll,
168
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,164
Lauren Miller Rogen,
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00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,666
the Muppets,
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00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:58,626
Kumail Nanjiani,
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00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:00,002
Chelsea Peretti.
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00:07:00,336 --> 00:07:03,047
Stand-up performances by Michael Che,
173
00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:04,966
Tiffany Haddish,
174
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,592
John Mulaney,
175
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,094
Sarah Silverman,
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00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:09,804
Michelle Wolf,
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00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,140
an animated short by Justin Roiland,
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00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,559
with performances by Post Malone
179
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,061
and Craig Robinson
& the Nasty Delicious.
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00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,231
And your host, Seth Rogen.
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00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:24,068
[cheering and applause]
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-[music stops]
-See? It's weird.
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-[loud cheering, whistling]
-Thank you all for coming.
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00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:34,245
Thank you.
185
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,874
Thanks for coming, uh,
for Hilarity for Charity.
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I really, really appreciate it.
187
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You are helping raise money
for Alzheimer's,
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um, for research and for in-home care,
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so we don't all go to hell one day.
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-Uh, and... it's a good cause.
-[cheers and applause]
191
00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,972
Um, I just also want you to know
192
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that I'm pretty aware
that it's a very strong choice
193
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to start our charity event
194
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:01,981
with me smoking a vape pen
through my urethra. Um...
195
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:02,982
[crowd chuckles]
196
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,526
It's a big choice
for an Alzheimer's charity event.
197
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:09,447
So, what we're gonna do
is a thing that we call "alts,"
198
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,032
or alternative jokes,
199
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,533
just in case we decide
200
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,828
that me inhaling drugs
through an uncircumcised penis
201
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,955
is a little too much
for the opening of the show.
202
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:21,918
So I have a camera guy here,
just to kind of pick off a few.
203
00:08:22,126 --> 00:08:27,131
So, the first one we're gonna get, again,
is a circumcised penis. Uh...
204
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,717
-[laughter]
-You know, just in case. Okay?
205
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,053
We got that. Perfect. Um...
206
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:35,306
Now, I'm gonna get
a realistically-sized penis.
207
00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:38,809
-So, there we go for that one.
-[laughter]
208
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,603
Much better. Fantastic.
209
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,356
Now, Netflix has a very big
international audience,
210
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:47,235
so I thought, what better thing to do
than have an international penis here?
211
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,529
-So here we have a French penis.
-[laughter]
212
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,074
His monocle fell off. There you go.
213
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,201
[laughter]
214
00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:57,787
And for our viewers from Australia,
215
00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,414
we got this penis,
the penis from Down Under.
216
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,959
-[laughter]
-We'll just knock that out.
217
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,169
That's what it's like there.
That's what they're like.
218
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:09,757
You may recognize this next penis
from the show
219
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,884
Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dinkholes...
220
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:16,138
-Please welcome Guy Fieri penis.
-[laughter]
221
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,682
Perfect.
222
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,059
Now...
223
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:23,354
I want the show to be family-friendly.
224
00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:26,107
[laughter]
225
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,401
I want kids to be able to watch it.
226
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,654
So I thought, "Why don't we make
a penis for kids?"
227
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,197
[laughter]
228
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:34,740
Here's a Minion penis.
229
00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:37,952
-[laughter]
-[Seth] Bee-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo.
230
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,830
Perfect! I think we got our bases covered.
231
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,124
Thank you guys very much.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
232
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,625
-I think...
-[applause]
233
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:47,086
...I've reached my threshold
on dick jokes.
234
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,631
I'm joking, there's way more dick jokes
throughout this night.
235
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,050
All right, are you guys ready
to get this show started?
236
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,636
[cheers and applause]
237
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:59,890
This first comedian plays clubs
and colleges all over the country.
238
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,560
Please give it up for Michael Che.
239
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:05,313
-[audience cheering]
-[band plays upbeat intro]
240
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:07,940
Hello.
241
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,863
Hi. Wow, how are you guys?
242
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,531
[audience cheering]
243
00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:17,199
Very white.
244
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,369
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]
245
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:23,956
Holy shit, black people do not care
about this cause, apparently.
246
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,417
-[laughter]
-[Michael laughs]
247
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:29,712
I'm very happy to be here.
248
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:31,547
[chuckles] Nah, this is great.
249
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,425
You know when you're in an airplane,
you're like, above the clouds,
250
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,844
and you just see clouds?
That's what this feels like.
251
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,971
[laughter]
252
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,222
I'm very happy to be here.
253
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,558
As soon as Seth asked me,
I was like, "Absolutely."
254
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:47,396
He said, "I got this amazing charity,
and you can come by and do a set,
255
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,649
give your time, or you could
donate some money,
256
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,610
-and I was like, "I'll do a set." And...
-[laughter]
257
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,403
This cause means a lot to me.
258
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,781
My grandmother has Alzheimer's.
259
00:10:57,114 --> 00:10:58,115
And, uh...
260
00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:01,869
Ah, if you know someone with Alzheimer's,
visit them.
261
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:04,330
And, uh, the best thing to do
is give them music
262
00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:06,791
or things from their childhood
to help them, you know...
263
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:09,001
Kind of-- It puts them in a good place.
264
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:11,003
Like, for my grandmother,
I like to go visit her,
265
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:14,799
and I tell her a really, really mean,
racist joke, and...
266
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,468
it makes her feel
like a little girl again.
267
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,804
[laughter]
268
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,015
Brings her back to the '50s immediately.
269
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,392
Doesn't have to be a good joke,
270
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:27,812
just anything that is mean
to Polish people, she loves it.
271
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,897
-Um...
-[laughter]
272
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:32,900
[chuckles]
273
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,820
This is for charity. If you don't like it,
you're part of the problem.
274
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:37,780
[laughter]
275
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:39,615
I like to drink.
276
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,911
LA's not really a drinking town,
I noticed. Your bars close at like 2:00.
277
00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:45,538
[crowd chuckles]
278
00:11:45,621 --> 00:11:48,082
Ugh. In New York,
you could drink all night.
279
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,126
Into the morning time. Sometimes I drink so late,
280
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,381
that I see people my age
taking their kids to school.
281
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,550
[laughter]
282
00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:00,469
We just both look at each other like,
"Boy, did you fuck up your life."
283
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,555
[laughter]
284
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,644
After-hour bars are illegal
in New York, though,
285
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,312
so you gotta have cash. Cash only.
286
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:13,733
One time I tried to go to a bar...
with a credit card.
287
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,110
They wouldn't give it to me.
They wouldn't sell me a drink.
288
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,529
I got upset.
I got into a fight with this bartender.
289
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:21,490
In the middle of the fight,
this gay guy walks up to me.
290
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,952
I knew he was a gay guy,
because I took one look at him.
291
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,288
[laughter]
292
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,582
He was visibly gay.
293
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:34,628
You guys are uncomfortable by that,
because this is on TV. I get it. But...
294
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:38,591
You've never seen a visibly--
If a cop came in and was like,
295
00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:41,927
"Looking for a gay guy who stole a purse,"
I'd be like, "This guy. Right?"
296
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,512
[laughter]
297
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:45,598
Is that weird?
298
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:48,225
I've seen visibly gay children.
You've never seen...?
299
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:49,518
[laughter]
300
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,605
You've never seen a kid and been like,
"Aw, shit. Later, probably. Yeah."
301
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,398
[laughter]
302
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,400
You never watch MasterChef Junior?
303
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,736
[laughter]
304
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:05,075
[chuckles] I'm like, "Oh, shit.
This kid thinks he's just into soufflés."
305
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,995
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]
306
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,374
That's not the point. The point is,
I was trying to buy a drink,
307
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,168
and this gay guy walks up to me.
308
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:15,795
[laughter]
309
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,546
And he says, "Hey...
310
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,216
I'll buy your drinks all night."
311
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,218
And I was like, "Thank you."
312
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,803
[laughter]
313
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,513
"I'll have a beer and a shot."
314
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,973
And I got it. He poured the beer,
the shot,
315
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,975
I slammed the shot,
and I was sipping the beer.
316
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,728
As I was sipping the beer,
the bartender was chuckling.
317
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:36,273
And I'm like, "What the fuck is so funny?
I just beat the system."
318
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:37,650
[crowd chuckles]
319
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,235
She goes, "You know he only bought that
320
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,195
because he's trying
to have sex with you later."
321
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,823
And I was like, "Hey, is that shit true?"
322
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,283
And he goes, "Well, that's the plan."
323
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:48,994
I was like, "Really?
That's your fucking plan?
324
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,539
Gonna buy me drinks all night
to the point where I get so drunk
325
00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,415
that I end up having sex with you later?"
326
00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:54,917
And he said, "Yes."
327
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,919
And I was like, "Challenge accepted."
328
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,004
[laughter]
329
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:02,049
"I want to see where this shit goes."
330
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,344
He was a man of his word.
He bought me drinks all fucking night.
331
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,429
He'd even check on me periodically.
332
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:11,183
He'd rub the small of my back,
and go, "How you feeling, big boy?"
333
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,519
-[laughter]
-I was like, "Still straight, bro.
334
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:17,314
Maybe some of that 30-year-old Scotch
might loosen me up."
335
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:18,607
[laughter]
336
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,568
"It's always been too expensive
for my taste,
337
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,362
but for science, I feel like we should
leave no stone unturned."
338
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:25,447
[laughter]
339
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:29,493
I blue-balled the fuck out of Marco.
[chuckles]
340
00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,537
His name was Marco.
I'll never forget his name
341
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,455
because I asked, and he goes,
"My name is Marco.
342
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,542
I like to dance and I like to suck cock."
And I was like, "Okay.
343
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,378
-Coming in hot there, Marco."
-[laughter]
344
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:40,921
I guess I'll keep that shit in mind
345
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:43,090
in case somebody gets you
for Secret Santa."
346
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:45,175
[laughter]
347
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,637
[chuckles]
"Hey, what should we get Marco?"
348
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,806
"I don't know.
He likes to dance and suck cock, so...
349
00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:53,642
-a cape?" What do you...?
-[laughter]
350
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,561
What do you get the man that has it all?
351
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,646
[crowd chuckling]
352
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:01,233
I drink till like 9:30 in the morning
on Marco's dime.
353
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,818
He finally just stormed out of the bar.
354
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,029
I was like, "Good game, bro."
355
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,405
[laughter]
356
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,532
"Both teams played hard, my man."
357
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,368
Bartender was not laughing anymore.
358
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,454
She was like,
"You took advantage of that guy."
359
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:16,498
I was like, "First of all, he was trying
to take advantage of me first."
360
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,585
I don't know if you remember,
but he was trying to fuck me."
361
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:20,753
[laughter]
362
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,630
I wasn't trying to take advantage of him.
363
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:25,382
He offered to buy me drinks,
and I accepted. What's wrong with that?
364
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,927
Plus, if there's a number of drinks
that I can have
365
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,595
that's gonna make me end up
having sex with a dude,
366
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,096
I want to know that fucking number.
367
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,182
[laughter]
368
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,267
I want to be able to walk into a bar,
369
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:37,603
slam my card down, and be like,
"Cut me off at eight."
370
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:40,064
[laughter]
371
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:41,690
I gotta go. Thank you guys so much.
372
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,359
My name is Michael Che. Goodnight.
373
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,235
[cheers and applause]
374
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,613
[man] In the last year,
375
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,993
Netflix has released an incredible 3,000
stand-up comedy specials
376
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,371
from comedy icons like Chris Rock, Amy Schumer, and Dave Chappelle.
377
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:01,293
In fact, there's only one legend
of stand-up
378
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:04,129
who hasn't released a special
on Netflix...
379
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:05,881
until now.
380
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:09,677
For the first time ever,
this is his story.
381
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:14,181
First thing you gotta know about Netflix
is we make a lot of stand-up specials.
382
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:15,975
I know it said 3,000,
383
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,977
but that's just what's on the air.
384
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:22,314
We've got another 64,000 specials
in the can.
385
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:27,236
It's exciting to be able to bring
so much stand-up into the world.
386
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:28,862
So many, that people are like,
387
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:32,157
"Why did you guys give
those people Netflix specials?"
388
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,826
Well, I'll tell you why.
389
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:37,663
We're making so much money,
you would not believe it.
390
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,081
[laughter]
391
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,960
He is without a doubt one of the greatest
stand-up comedians of all time.
392
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,545
Huge influence on me.
393
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:46,588
I mean, his skill is...
394
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,382
[chuckles] ...inhuman.
395
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,969
Try to imagine comedy without Fozzie Bear.
396
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:55,097
-[crowd cheering]
-Aah! Wocka, wocka! Oh...
397
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:58,142
[Kumail] Yeah, I remember...
the first time I saw Fozzie Bear.
398
00:16:58,225 --> 00:17:00,561
I was little kid, and I'll never forget
the joke he did.
399
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,062
He said, uh,
400
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:05,357
"Why did the taxi driver quit his job?
401
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,694
Because he was tired of people talking
behind his back."
402
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,739
-[audience chuckling]
-"Wocka, wocka."
403
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:12,948
[laughter]
404
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:17,369
Now, at that time, comics were only doing
one wocka after their jokes.
405
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,205
and some hacks
were doing three or four wockas.
406
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,499
-But Fozzie did two.
-[laughter]
407
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,961
He was literally the only living
stand-up comedian
408
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,255
we hadn't given a special to yet.
409
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:30,716
We even gave a few
to comedians who died. The Dangerfield hologram killed.
410
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:36,472
That's the story of my life, no respect.
I don't get no respect at all.
411
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,515
-[laughter]
-Fozzie is one of those comedians.
412
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,476
who isn't afraid to say
what we're all thinking.
413
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:43,687
Like, what's a taxi driver's
favorite food?
414
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:44,646
Cabbage.
415
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:47,816
-Like-- But we're too afraid to say it.
-[laughter]
416
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,234
Fozzie says it.
417
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:51,028
We can't stand him...
418
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:52,863
-Mmm.
-...but I'll bet this special
419
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:55,449
will do great with the bear's
target demographic.
420
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,369
Ah! Yeah, people who died
watching Netflix on autoplay.
421
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,829
[cackling]
422
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,790
Fozzie Bear is my idol
423
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,834
and when they asked
if they could record his Netflix special
424
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,920
at my charity event, I was like,
425
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,546
"Yes, that's perfect."
426
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:13,008
So, here to perform his special,
427
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,969
please welcome Fozzie Bear, everybody.
428
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,388
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]
429
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,601
Thank you! Thank you, Seth. Oh, yes!
430
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,562
Yes! Oh!
431
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:28,607
-Hiya! Hiya! Whoa! [grunts]
-[applause continues]
432
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:31,151
-I'm okay. I'm okay.
-[laughter]
433
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,611
[Fozzie chuckles]
434
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:36,698
Just a little nervous
streaming to all these people. [chuckles]
435
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,785
You'd think a bear would be comfortable
in a stream, but...
436
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,162
I don't see any salmon, do you?
437
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,582
Aah, get it? Salmon, stream?
438
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,667
[nervous chuckle]
439
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,962
You see, sir, I'm a bear...
440
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,297
and bears have a real taste for salmon.
441
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,800
It actually might be our favorite thing
in the world--
442
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:57,845
-[stammers] Oh! Oh!
-Fozzie! Fozzie!
443
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,471
-Yo.
-Wha...? Huh?
444
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:00,806
What's up, man?
445
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,432
[stammering]
446
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,060
I'm dying out here, Seth. That's what's--
447
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:09,523
-Yeah, dude, I can tell, you're bombing.
-[stammers] Yeah! Any ideas?
448
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:11,275
-I do have some ideas. Honestly...
-Yeah?
449
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:14,820
...I'm not a strong performer on stage,
so whenever it's not going well,
450
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:18,198
-there's one thing that always works.
-What? Tell me!
451
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,534
I ask my talented famous friends
452
00:19:20,617 --> 00:19:23,328
to do cameo appearances
to kind of pander to the audience
453
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,789
and distract from the fact that
I'm not doing that well.
454
00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:28,750
-[laughter]
-That sounds like a great ide--
455
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,794
Yes! And I know just who to call.
456
00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:32,796
Kermit! Yeah, what is it, Fozzie?
457
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:37,384
-[cheers and applause]
-Aah. How's it going?
458
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:41,096
I need you to do a cameo appearance
and pander to the audience.
459
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:44,725
Oh. Oh, sure.
I mean, we do that for Seth all the time.
460
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,476
Come on, gang. Come on in.
461
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,188
-Hey, come on out! Come out here.
-[all chattering]
462
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,982
-[cheers and applause]
-I didn't know you were all here!
463
00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:54,651
-Wow!
-Hey! Hey!
464
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,695
-Music! Here we go.
-[playing "The Magic Store"]
465
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:58,447
-[Fozzie] Oh, I know this song.
-[Kermit] Yeah.
466
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,823
-It's a good one.
-Here we go.
467
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,158
I'll start.
468
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:03,202
♪ It starts when we're kids ♪
469
00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:06,663
♪ A show-off at school ♪
470
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,833
♪ Making faces at friends ♪
471
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,212
♪ You're a clown and a fool ♪
472
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,504
[Fozzie] Aah!
473
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:18,300
♪ Doing pratfalls and bird calls
And bad imitations ♪
474
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,386
♪ Ignoring your homework
Is that dedication? ♪
475
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,138
♪ You work through the mirror ♪
476
00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:27,768
♪ You're getting standing ovations ♪
477
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,811
♪ You're burning with hope ♪
478
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,148
♪ You're building up steam ♪
479
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:37,861
♪ What was once juvenile-ish
Is grown up and stylish ♪
480
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,655
♪ You're close to your dream ♪
481
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:40,948
Yeah!
482
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:44,368
♪ Then somebody out there loves you ♪
483
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:47,913
-♪ Stands up and hollers for more ♪
-More!
484
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:54,211
♪ You've got a home at the Magic Store ♪
485
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,088
You did it, Fozzie.
486
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,924
It's out best stand-up special yet!
487
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,260
Oh, you guys really think so?
488
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:04,721
Yeah, it was perfect!
It was just like a movie.
489
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,766
Oh, nice song cue, Kumail.
490
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:12,980
♪ Life's like a movie ♪
491
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,731
♪ Write your own ending ♪
492
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,609
♪ Keep believing, keep pretending ♪
493
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:21,780
♪ We've done just what
We set out to do ♪
494
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:25,575
♪ Thanks to the lovers ♪
495
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:28,662
♪ The dreamers ♪
496
00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:35,544
♪ And you ♪
497
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,504
[cheers and applause]
498
00:21:37,587 --> 00:21:40,257
-[Fozzie] Oh, yeah!
-[Kermit] That was great. -[Seth] We did it.
-[Fozzie] Thanks, guys!
499
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,387
-[all chattering]
-[Kermit] Great job, Kumail.
500
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,264
-Nice job, Seth.
-Great job, Muppets.
501
00:21:47,347 --> 00:21:49,057
Thank you to the Muppets, everybody!
502
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,268
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]
503
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:54,187
[Seth] She plays clubs and colleges
all over the country.
504
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:56,023
Michelle Wolf!
505
00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,319
-[applause continues]
-[music stops]
506
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,613
Oh, hi, guys, how are you?
507
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,741
Boy, what a time we're having.
508
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:07,659
There's so much happening.
509
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:12,956
So much sexual harassment happening
over the last couple of centuries.
510
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:15,083
[laughter]
511
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:19,504
Just all these brand-new allegations
from the beginning of time.
512
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:21,840
[laughter]
513
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,093
Men have been sexually harassing women
since the beginning.
514
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:27,387
It's even in the Bible. What's it say?
515
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:31,391
It's like, "On the third day,
God was like, 'Hey sugar tits.'"
516
00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:33,018
[laughter]
517
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:35,771
You know. But, to be fair,
he had just made tits.
518
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:38,565
-[crowd chuckling]
-And sugar. It was a good day.
519
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:40,359
It was the best day.
520
00:22:42,944 --> 00:22:45,906
And now, men don't even know
how to act anymore.
521
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:47,657
Guy friends of mine will be like,
522
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:50,911
"If a woman walks by,
can I even say she looks nice?"
523
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:55,040
And men, this is how you can
not get accused of sexual harassment.
524
00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:57,042
It works almost all the time.
525
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,462
Men, all you have to do is be hot.
526
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:03,757
[laughter, scattered applause]
527
00:23:05,425 --> 00:23:08,762
And then we'll be like,
"Aah! He touched my boob!
528
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:11,515
The hot guy touched my boob!"
529
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:13,683
We might even apologize.
530
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:16,978
-"I'm so sorry, my boob was in your hand."
-[laughter]
531
00:23:17,312 --> 00:23:19,731
"It wasn't even the good one,
you should touch the other one.
532
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:20,982
It's a better shape."
533
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:22,359
[laughter]
534
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:23,819
They're different shapes.
535
00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:28,115
But everything's broken,
probably because we're all idiots.
536
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:29,408
[laughter]
537
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,243
We have too many people anyway.
538
00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:34,079
People are are trying to figure out
what to do with immigrants.
539
00:23:34,162 --> 00:23:37,457
A lot of people are worried about
immigrants coming and taking our jobs.
540
00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:40,585
I'm worried about Americans
taking immigrant jobs.
541
00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:44,423
I got a massage from
a Midwestern white lady.
542
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,007
[laughter]
543
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:49,803
It essentially felt like a cat was walking
on my back for an hour.
544
00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:51,888
[laughter]
545
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:54,015
Not an angry or a hungry cat.
546
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:55,308
Just a happy cat... [laughter]
547
00:23:56,726 --> 00:23:58,562
...trying to find a place to sleep.
548
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:03,733
And then a couple of weeks later,
I got a massage from a Korean man,
549
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,902
and he pressed into my back
with the pressure
550
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,363
that he had left his whole family behind.
551
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,990
[laughter]
552
00:24:10,073 --> 00:24:12,451
That's a great massage!
553
00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:16,621
You need a massage from someone
who's been through something.
554
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,125
You can't get a massage from a woman
named Meredith,
555
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,169
where the worst thing that
ever happened to her
556
00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:24,212
is the one time she got bangs.
557
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,548
[laughter]
558
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,510
I walked in and saw it was a white lady,
and at first I was like,
559
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,888
"It could be okay. She could be Russian."
560
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:35,348
[laughter]
561
00:24:35,932 --> 00:24:37,559
But then she goes, "Lay down."
562
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:39,561
I was like, "No, she sounds like me."
[giggles]
563
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,146
[laughter]
564
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:43,565
Because rarely do you walk
into a situation and think,
565
00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:46,109
"You know who would be better at this job?
A white lady."
566
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:47,027
[laughter]
567
00:24:47,110 --> 00:24:50,071
Unless that job is crying
outside of a bar. Then, yes.
568
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,157
[laughter]
569
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,451
We are so good at it.
570
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,246
Plus, you don't want a massage
from someone
571
00:24:58,330 --> 00:24:59,831
that wants to give you a massage,
572
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:02,918
you want a massage from someone
that has to give you a massage.
573
00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:06,379
-[laughter]
-Those are two very different people.
574
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:10,467
Somebody that wants to touch
your naked back for an hour,
575
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:12,093
that's a serial killer.
576
00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:13,637
[laughter]
577
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,388
Someone that has to give you a massage,
578
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:18,475
someone's that's like,
"This fucking piece of shit...
579
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:23,146
comes in here and says
her neck is sore from sleeping wrong?"
580
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:24,356
[laughter]
581
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,359
"I work 70 hours a day.
582
00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:29,653
I live three states away,
583
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:32,322
and I bike to work,
and this piece of shit..."
584
00:25:32,405 --> 00:25:34,699
-[laughter]
-And the whole time, you're thinking,
585
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:37,118
-"This is a great massage."
-[laughter continues]
586
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:40,956
[applause, cheering]
587
00:25:44,459 --> 00:25:47,420
Yeah. My back feels great.
He makes an American living.
588
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:50,215
-That's the real happy ending.
-[laughter]
589
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:52,592
All right, thanks a lot, guys.
I'm Michelle Wolf.
590
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:54,678
[cheers and applause]
591
00:25:56,137 --> 00:25:59,224
Holy shit. Welcome to another edition
of Talking Hilarity for Charity.
592
00:25:59,349 --> 00:26:01,560
Tonight, we have Seth Rogen on the show.
593
00:26:01,726 --> 00:26:04,980
I am Chris Hardwick,
and this is Talking Hilarity for Charity.
594
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:07,649
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]
595
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:15,198
Thanks for joining us.
Seth, thank you for being here.
596
00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:17,367
-Very exciting to have you.
-Thank you for having me.
597
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,744
Good. So, um... How do you think
the show is going so far?
598
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:22,372
Uh, well, I think the opening...
599
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:25,041
You know, I really doubled down
on that penis gag,
600
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:29,004
and I wasn't sure about it going in,
but I just tried to make the best of it.
601
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,548
We asked the audience what they thought
about your opening bit.
602
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:32,966
Here's what they had to say.
603
00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:35,635
Twelve percent enjoyed the penis gag.
604
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,597
Eighty-six percent
did not enjoy the penis gag.
605
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,140
Two percent were not comfortable
606
00:26:40,223 --> 00:26:42,392
with the words "penis" or "gag"
next to one another.
607
00:26:42,475 --> 00:26:43,560
[laughter]
608
00:26:43,643 --> 00:26:44,561
I get that.
609
00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:46,771
If they didn't like that,
we still have John Mulaney,
610
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:48,648
Tiffany Haddish, and Post Malone,
611
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,942
-so there's a lot more of the show.
-That sounds great.
612
00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:53,778
Let's check out some highlights
of the show so far. Let's roll that.
613
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,364
[band plays rock music]
614
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:00,577
Fuck you.
615
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:02,412
[laughter]
616
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:04,706
I don't think any of that stuff
happened on the show.
617
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:06,666
[laughs] That's great.
Thanks so much, Seth.
618
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:09,044
[cheers and applause]
619
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:15,759
Now...
620
00:27:17,510 --> 00:27:20,930
we want the special to be seen
by as many people as possible,
621
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:27,729
and the Netflix algorithm
is the thing that decides who sees what.
622
00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:29,773
And no one quite gets
how the fuck it works.
623
00:27:30,148 --> 00:27:33,026
So, we want to trick
the Netflix algorithm, basically,
624
00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:37,822
by including as many genres
in this special as humanly possible
625
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:40,200
to get it do as many people
as humanly possible.
626
00:27:40,283 --> 00:27:44,329
So, our first genre appeals to families,
animal lovers,
627
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:47,248
science enthusiasts,
people who are extremely high.
628
00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:52,837
It is... the very, very classy
nature documentary.
629
00:27:53,171 --> 00:27:54,255
Take it away.
630
00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:58,343
[slow, dramatic theme plays]
631
00:28:04,641 --> 00:28:09,145
I am Sir David Attenborat.
632
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:12,941
-[laughter]
-It's for charity, what do you expect?
633
00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:17,737
Join me as we explore
the infinite variety,
634
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:21,116
majesty, and ingenuity...
635
00:28:21,908 --> 00:28:24,452
of Life Itself.
636
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:26,246
[laughter]
637
00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:30,375
Southern California
638
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:35,213
is a hostile and insular archipelago,
639
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:39,676
home to a plethora of creatures,
640
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:43,972
including the agent, the publicist,
641
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:48,017
and 15 other sub-species of wanker.
642
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:49,519
[audience laughs]
643
00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:52,439
No animal in this region
644
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:56,484
epitomizes the wanker more than...
645
00:28:56,609 --> 00:28:58,653
the Seth Rogen.
646
00:28:58,737 --> 00:28:59,821
[laughter]
647
00:28:59,946 --> 00:29:03,700
A sedentary, house-dwelling ape,
648
00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:07,620
the Seth is one of the rarest subspecies
649
00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:11,124
of the common Jewish cannabis addict...
650
00:29:11,207 --> 00:29:12,208
[laughter]
651
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:14,544
...Stono Judaicus.
652
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:15,670
[laughter continues]
653
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:22,552
Discovered barely 19 years ago
by the Juddus Apatowicus,
654
00:29:23,011 --> 00:29:25,972
the Seth subsists on a diet
655
00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:30,268
of Doritos, Pop-Tarts, and pornography.
656
00:29:30,351 --> 00:29:31,728
[laughter]
657
00:29:31,811 --> 00:29:35,815
Despite his obvious physical shortcomings,
658
00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:40,111
the Seth has achieved dominance
in his pride
659
00:29:40,236 --> 00:29:44,449
by drawing attention to himself
like a peacock,
660
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:50,371
if instead of feathers, the plumage
were made of dicks, weed, and fart jokes.
661
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:52,624
[audience laughing]
662
00:29:53,082 --> 00:29:56,920
Procreation for this beast is a challenge,
663
00:29:57,337 --> 00:30:00,924
as the Seth finds it virtually impossible
664
00:30:01,007 --> 00:30:06,554
to become aroused by anything
other than interracial pornography,
665
00:30:06,930 --> 00:30:10,850
with the faces of celebrities
digitally added on.
666
00:30:11,017 --> 00:30:13,019
[laughter]
667
00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:17,524
It is now... 4:00 in the morning,
668
00:30:17,857 --> 00:30:20,235
and as the temperature drops, there is an unexpected threat.
669
00:30:24,739 --> 00:30:28,326
The Seth's internet is down.
670
00:30:28,409 --> 00:30:30,411
[laughter]
671
00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:35,333
This slovenly creature is agitated.
672
00:30:36,417 --> 00:30:41,089
He has not masturbated
in almost two hours.
673
00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:42,757
[laughter]
674
00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:46,052
And if the internet does not return soon,
675
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:50,515
he will we forced to venture
into the outside world
676
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,642
to self-stimulate
677
00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:55,186
in the hostile environment
678
00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:58,731
of a Starbucks disabled toilet.
679
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:02,360
-[laughter]
-The journey there is treacherous.
680
00:31:03,236 --> 00:31:04,612
Round the corner
681
00:31:04,737 --> 00:31:09,534
lurks a pack of pygmy
spectacled comedy nerds.
682
00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:13,705
Eight to ten of them,
and they're hungry...
683
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:15,456
for a selfie.
684
00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:19,919
The Seth, stoned and heavy with semen,
685
00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:23,298
is no match for this young nerd's agility.
686
00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:25,008
[no audible dialogue]
687
00:31:25,091 --> 00:31:27,135
But this time, the Seth is in luck.
688
00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:33,308
The nerd has mistaken him
for another subspecies of Stono Judaicus,
689
00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:34,767
the Jonah Hill.
690
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,853
[laughter]
691
00:31:40,148 --> 00:31:42,233
His journey complete,
692
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:45,987
he finally has access
to wireless fidelity.
693
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:51,451
But just moments from mating
with eight sheets of toilet paper,
694
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:53,828
there is an unforseen challenge.
695
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:57,832
-[audience laughing]
-Oh, no!
696
00:31:58,458 --> 00:31:59,626
Shoot.
697
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,210
What will he do?
698
00:32:01,502 --> 00:32:03,671
Fight or flush?
699
00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:08,509
Yeah!
700
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:13,264
Victorious, this proud beast
has triumphed.
701
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,350
[dryer whirring]
702
00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:18,811
-This has been Life Itself...
-[music stops]
703
00:32:18,937 --> 00:32:20,521
Look, listen, I did my best.
704
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:24,359
I know at times I sound a bit
like a Chinese Winston Churchill.
705
00:32:24,692 --> 00:32:28,404
What did you fucking want,
Benedict fucking Cumberbatch?
706
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:30,740
Well, he wasn't available.
707
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:34,786
Actually, he was unaffordable,
he wanted 50 grand.
708
00:32:35,328 --> 00:32:37,705
It's for charity. What a shitbag.
709
00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:39,165
[laughter]
710
00:32:39,248 --> 00:32:41,626
I'm doing this for 20. Goodbye.
711
00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:45,129
[cheers and applause]
712
00:32:49,008 --> 00:32:52,470
All right, um,
I'm really excited for our next comedian.
713
00:32:52,553 --> 00:32:56,599
You've probably seen him perform at clubs
and colleges all over the country.
714
00:32:57,141 --> 00:33:00,269
Please give it up for John Mulaney.
715
00:33:00,687 --> 00:33:03,690
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]
716
00:33:06,025 --> 00:33:08,778
Well! Hello, my name is John Mulaney.
717
00:33:08,903 --> 00:33:09,737
How are you?
718
00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:11,114
-I am, uh...
-[crowd cheering]
719
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:15,284
I'm gonna do stand-up comedy now,
which is like a funny speech.
720
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:16,744
-Uh...
-[laughter]
721
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:17,829
Okay, I'm good.
722
00:33:17,912 --> 00:33:20,748
I spilled the free water
on my pants backstage,
723
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:23,292
and I was nervous to come out,
724
00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:27,839
'cause I thought that you would think
that I had peed in my pants,
725
00:33:28,214 --> 00:33:32,927
and we need to stop being
worried about that as a society.
726
00:33:33,052 --> 00:33:34,303
Because, guess what?
727
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:38,433
No one anywhere is peeing in their pants
728
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
and then just going about their day
as planned.
729
00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:45,273
Just like, "Ah, I seem to have
peed into my pants,
730
00:33:45,648 --> 00:33:47,525
off to the side until completion.
731
00:33:47,608 --> 00:33:50,403
But I have appointments,
I must a soldier on.
732
00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:52,196
I'll sure get a lot more done,
733
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,407
now that I don't have to go
to the bathroom.
734
00:33:55,241 --> 00:33:58,161
I see people in bathrooms, like,
under the hand dryer,
735
00:33:58,244 --> 00:34:00,204
like, roasting their genitals.
736
00:34:00,329 --> 00:34:01,664
Enough.
737
00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:04,167
It doesn't even look like pee.
738
00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:07,378
Have you ever actually peed your pants?
Of course you have.
739
00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:11,424
It's like an abstract painting
down the inside of your thigh.
740
00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:14,052
-It comes out the bottom of your shoe.
-[laughter]
741
00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:16,679
Pee is like fire in the movie Backdraft.
742
00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,264
It goes where it wants.
743
00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:20,558
[laughter]
744
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:23,269
Also, it wasn't water, it was pee.
745
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:25,646
'Cause I stopped peeing,
but I didn't stop,
746
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,191
-and it kept coming out a little bit.
-[laughter]
747
00:34:28,316 --> 00:34:29,692
I'm 35 now.
748
00:34:29,776 --> 00:34:33,404
-That's young, but it's also not.
-[laughter]
749
00:34:33,488 --> 00:34:36,783
My wife is in love with this
Timothée Chalamet son of a bitch.
750
00:34:36,991 --> 00:34:39,827
-He's like 21 years old.
-[laughter]
751
00:34:40,203 --> 00:34:43,956
It's a joke when she kids me about it,
but it's not a joke. And...
752
00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:46,667
I'm six feet tall.
That's like a big deal to me.
753
00:34:46,793 --> 00:34:49,670
I don't know why it's a big deal,
but I like that I'm six feet tall.
754
00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:52,840
We were coming back from dinner
the other night, my wife walks past me,
755
00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:54,926
she goes, "You know,
Timothée Chalamet's 6'1"."
756
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:57,512
And I just internalized it.
757
00:34:57,595 --> 00:34:59,388
-[laughter]
-And then the next day,
758
00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:02,892
I looked it up online,
and it said he was 5'11".
759
00:35:03,518 --> 00:35:04,727
So I leave the garage...
760
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:06,479
my office is in the garage...
761
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:09,524
-and I go into the home, where she is.
-[laughter]
762
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:12,860
And I go into her office,
and I go, "You know, he's 5'11"."
763
00:35:12,985 --> 00:35:14,779
She goes, "What?" I go, "The boy!"
764
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:18,491
He's not 6'1", he's 5'11".
765
00:35:18,574 --> 00:35:20,701
She goes, "What the hell
are you talking about?"
766
00:35:20,827 --> 00:35:21,994
I said, "I'm six feet.
767
00:35:22,078 --> 00:35:24,413
-I'm taller than the boy."
-[laughter]
768
00:35:24,997 --> 00:35:28,167
"You said Timothée Chalamet was 6'1",
he's 5'11"."
769
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:30,002
She goes, "I was fucking kidding."
770
00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:31,587
[laughter]
771
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:37,969
My wife is very tough.
She's not sensitive.
772
00:35:38,177 --> 00:35:39,887
Sometimes I think
she's gonna be sensitive.
773
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:43,641
I got a back X-ray done,
because I don't sit up straight,
774
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:47,687
and in the X-ray,
they saw a shadow on my lung. Okay?
775
00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:50,189
Everything is fine, by the way,
but this was back in the fall,
776
00:35:50,273 --> 00:35:52,984
and I was on tour and I didn't want
to tell her over the phone,
777
00:35:53,067 --> 00:35:54,443
so I waited till I got home.
778
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:56,571
And then I sat her down
when I got home that morning,
779
00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:58,865
and I said, "Hey, sit down,
I need to talk to you,
780
00:35:58,948 --> 00:35:59,991
and this is not a bit,"
781
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:03,161
which is what I have to say
before I say anything serious to her.
782
00:36:03,244 --> 00:36:04,453
[laughter]
783
00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:06,164
I go, "This is not a bit.
784
00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:09,083
It's gonna sound scary,
but don't worry,
785
00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:10,835
everything's gonna be fine."
786
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:15,423
I don't know if you were a male comedian
in the fall of 2017,
787
00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:18,759
or in the winter of 2018 currently,
788
00:36:19,218 --> 00:36:21,220
but sitting your wife down and saying,
789
00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:23,389
"I've gotta tell you something scary...
790
00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:26,976
but don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine,"
791
00:36:27,810 --> 00:36:30,021
-has different connotations.
-[laughter]
792
00:36:30,104 --> 00:36:31,856
My wife said, "What the hell did you do?"
793
00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:34,817
I said, "No, I might have lung cancer."
She said, "Oh, thank God."
794
00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:36,903
[laughter]
795
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:38,738
This is a beautiful event.
796
00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:41,324
I'm really happy that Lauren and Seth
had me at this.
797
00:36:41,407 --> 00:36:42,950
It's great to give to charity.
798
00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:45,244
You gotta be careful about
who you give to, though,
799
00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:48,706
because sometimes you give to someone
that you think is deserving,
800
00:36:48,789 --> 00:36:50,833
and then there's someone else
who is equally deserving,
801
00:36:50,917 --> 00:36:52,585
and they totally get shafted.
802
00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:55,046
Like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
803
00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:57,131
[laughter]
804
00:36:58,424 --> 00:37:01,219
-What if I didn't explain what I meant?
-[laughter]
805
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:06,140
"Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
All right, goodnight everybody." No.
806
00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:07,892
[laughter]
807
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,894
Remember, Charlie gets a golden ticket.
808
00:37:09,977 --> 00:37:13,105
He can take one person with him
to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory,
809
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:16,943
and he says, "I know who I'll take.
I'll take Grandpa Joe."
810
00:37:17,151 --> 00:37:20,446
And Grandpa Joe says, "Really Charlie?
You're gonna take me?"
811
00:37:20,613 --> 00:37:22,531
And they go to Wonka's factory,
812
00:37:22,615 --> 00:37:24,325
and there's some shenanigans,
813
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,452
but there's a lot of life lessons.
814
00:37:26,535 --> 00:37:29,288
And in the end,
they get the greatest gift of all,
815
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:32,708
and it's a wonderful tale
of the human heart, isn't it?
816
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:34,335
Well, guess what?
817
00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:37,797
Charlie has a whole other grandfather...
818
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:38,798
[crowd chuckling]
819
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:43,010
...and he doesn't give
that other grandfather jack shit.
820
00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:46,430
-[laughter]
-His name is Grandpa George,
821
00:37:46,722 --> 00:37:48,641
in case you've forgotten.
822
00:37:49,141 --> 00:37:50,518
It's Grandpa George,
823
00:37:50,601 --> 00:37:55,564
and he sleeps in the same bed
foot to foot with Grandpa Joe,
824
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,733
and he looks like a turtle,
825
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,611
and he doesn't have a line in the movie,
826
00:38:00,695 --> 00:38:04,073
and he doesn't get a goddamn thing.
827
00:38:04,156 --> 00:38:05,157
[laughter]
828
00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:09,537
Charlie Bucket waltzes in,
waving gold around.
829
00:38:10,037 --> 00:38:13,207
-He goes, "I know who I'll take."
-[laughter]
830
00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:15,876
And then he walks over to that
four-person nightmare
831
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,879
-that is his grandparents' bed.
-[laughter]
832
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:22,341
He walks over to that Mount Rushmore
of bedsores...
833
00:38:22,425 --> 00:38:24,844
[laughter]
834
00:38:25,928 --> 00:38:28,431
He goes, "I'm gonna take Grandpa Joe,"
835
00:38:28,514 --> 00:38:31,267
and he kind of gives the finger
to the other three grandparents.
836
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:35,146
Now maybe you're thinking, "Hey,
Grandpa Joe, maybe he deserved to go."
837
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:36,314
He had a tough life, right?
838
00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:39,275
'Cause remember Grandpa Joe says,
"I don't know if I can go, Charlie.
839
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,403
-I haven't walked in 40 years."
-[crowd chuckling]
840
00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:44,780
"Wait, let me check."
841
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:47,199
[laughter]
842
00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:51,912
Then he lifts the world's
worst-smelling duvet...
843
00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,123
[laughter]
844
00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:58,210
...and he gets out of bed,
and he can walk!
845
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:01,380
-Fuck you.
-[laughter]
846
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:03,507
You could walk this whole time?
847
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:06,260
You walrus-mustached son of a bitch.
848
00:39:06,385 --> 00:39:09,472
-[laughter]
-You John Bolton-looking asshole.
849
00:39:10,431 --> 00:39:15,019
We've been supporting you
while my mother cooks laundry soap
850
00:39:15,144 --> 00:39:17,396
while singing "Cheer Up, Charlie,"
851
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:19,815
-which is an awful song.
-[laughter]
852
00:39:20,149 --> 00:39:23,110
And we all fast-forward through it.
853
00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:24,612
[laughter]
854
00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:26,530
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much!
855
00:39:26,614 --> 00:39:28,699
[cheers and applause]
856
00:39:34,163 --> 00:39:35,081
Now...
857
00:39:35,414 --> 00:39:40,419
a big category on the Netflix algorithm
is animation.
858
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:44,965
And, in order to trick Netflix
into putting us in that genre,
859
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:46,092
I needed some help.
860
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:48,761
So, please enjoy this short film
861
00:39:48,886 --> 00:39:52,807
from Rick and Morty co-creator
Justin Roiland, everybody.
862
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:54,517
[cheers and applause]
863
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,770
Hey everybody, we're the Charity Brothers.
864
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:00,064
-I'm Chair.
-And I'm Ity. [laughs]
865
00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:01,982
That's right. We love charity.
866
00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:05,111
We've been doing these charity events
as long as I can remember.
867
00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:08,781
But nothing big ever like this before.
This is the biggest one yet,
868
00:40:08,864 --> 00:40:12,701
thanks to Seth Rogen for spotting one
of our smaller charity event appearances,
869
00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:14,078
and he reached out to us after that.
870
00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:16,664
[stammers] Huge thanks to Seth Rogen
871
00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:20,167
for this opportunity to show
our charity chops on the big stage.
872
00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:22,420
You know, this is really gonna
make our lives better.
873
00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:25,548
It means a lot.
The Charity Brothers love you, Seth.
874
00:40:25,673 --> 00:40:28,467
You're responsible for everything
the Charity Brothers do from here.
875
00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:31,387
Okay, with that out of the way,
let's get this show on the road.
876
00:40:31,470 --> 00:40:32,388
Yeah. [laughs]
877
00:40:32,513 --> 00:40:35,516
Anyways, we may as well start with
the very same classic routine
878
00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:38,644
that caught Seth Rogen's attention
in the first place, right, Char?
879
00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:40,312
That sounds good to me, Ity.
880
00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:44,191
Without further ado, here's our short:
The Apple Stand Caper.
881
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,277
All the way back from 1998.
882
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,611
Roll the clip.
883
00:40:48,737 --> 00:40:50,114
[giggling in audience]
884
00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:53,617
-[both grunting]
-[audience laughing]
885
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:55,286
Yeah, Ity.
886
00:40:55,369 --> 00:40:57,246
Bet you never thought your brother
could do this--
887
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:59,248
Bet you never thought your brother
could do this before.
888
00:40:59,331 --> 00:41:02,001
Oh, show 'em--
Show 'em what an animal you are.
889
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:06,547
[audience exclaiming]
890
00:41:06,672 --> 00:41:08,632
-Oh, Ity!
-[Ity groans]
891
00:41:08,757 --> 00:41:10,718
[audience groaning, chuckling]
892
00:41:11,051 --> 00:41:12,678
All right, I-- [stammers]
893
00:41:12,761 --> 00:41:15,931
I don't know what that was.
I've never seen that before.
894
00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:18,893
That was not The Apple Stand Caper
from 1998.
895
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:20,394
I don't know what that was.
896
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,771
I just have to say that's not--
I've never seen that video before.
897
00:41:22,855 --> 00:41:25,483
That's new video to me.
I've never seen that footage. Uh...
898
00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:28,277
And I want to be clear,
that is not something we would ever do.
899
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:29,945
Um...
900
00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:31,780
I-- I'm at a loss for words,
to tell the truth.
901
00:41:31,864 --> 00:41:33,741
It might've been some kind of CGI
or something.
902
00:41:33,824 --> 00:41:34,950
-I have no clue.
-Yeah.
903
00:41:35,034 --> 00:41:37,453
Absolutely. I was just gonna say--
I was literally gonna say that.
904
00:41:37,536 --> 00:41:41,373
Because computers these days,
you can make anything look real.
905
00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:43,792
Anything fake can look real
with computers.
906
00:41:43,918 --> 00:41:47,087
-[audience chuckling]
-And, uh, I think that's a wrap.
907
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,883
Uh, please donate. It's a good cause.
908
00:41:51,592 --> 00:41:53,677
Special thanks again to Seth Rogen.
909
00:41:55,846 --> 00:41:57,640
[applause]
910
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:04,855
[Seth chuckling, laughing]
911
00:42:07,983 --> 00:42:08,984
Oh...
912
00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,447
-That makes me happy. That just...
-[laughter]
913
00:42:15,115 --> 00:42:18,410
All right, um, I'm really, really excited
for our next comedian.
914
00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:21,664
She plays at clubs and colleges
all over the country.
915
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:25,167
Please give it up for Sarah Silverman.
916
00:42:25,251 --> 00:42:28,045
-[cheers and applause]
-[band plays upbeat intro]
917
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:37,471
Hi, everybody.
918
00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:40,224
-[scattered cheering]
-Um, that's enough.
919
00:42:40,641 --> 00:42:42,017
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]
920
00:42:43,602 --> 00:42:44,603
[sighs]
921
00:42:45,104 --> 00:42:47,147
God, I'm really gonna do it, you guys.
922
00:42:48,274 --> 00:42:50,359
I'm really gonna have no kids.
923
00:42:50,734 --> 00:42:53,070
-[crowd chuckling]
-I can't believe it.
924
00:42:54,530 --> 00:42:56,282
I'm baby crazy.
925
00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:58,284
That's what's insane about it.
926
00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:00,160
I love kids.
927
00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:02,204
I love kids.
928
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,874
The only thing I love more than kids
929
00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:09,169
is doing anything I want at all times.
930
00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:11,088
[laughter]
931
00:43:11,171 --> 00:43:13,173
[cheers and applause]
932
00:43:14,466 --> 00:43:16,010
But kids are great.
933
00:43:16,218 --> 00:43:19,930
I bet your kids are a great measurement
of time, right?
934
00:43:20,097 --> 00:43:23,642
Like, you can go, like,
"Let's see, that was when Billy was four,
935
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:25,853
so that was '98, 1998."
936
00:43:26,061 --> 00:43:28,522
-[crowd chuckling]
-That's so great to have that.
937
00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:30,983
When you don't have kids...
938
00:43:31,233 --> 00:43:32,985
all you have is 9/11.
939
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:34,820
[laughter]
940
00:43:34,945 --> 00:43:37,156
It puts such a malaise...
941
00:43:38,365 --> 00:43:40,659
over just everything you try to recall.
942
00:43:42,494 --> 00:43:44,330
I did mu--
The first time I did mushrooms,
943
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:46,790
I went to the top
of the World Trade Center. That's true.
944
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:47,916
-Um...
-[laughter]
945
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,294
Where the World Trade Center was
946
00:43:50,377 --> 00:43:53,422
is now a gorgeous building,
the Freedom Tower,
947
00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:56,300
and it's-it's gorgeous, and it's, um...
948
00:43:56,425 --> 00:44:00,346
And there was kind of like a weird thing
where people were angry
949
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:03,182
because they wanted to put
a memorabilia store
950
00:44:03,265 --> 00:44:05,142
in the lobby of the Freedom Tower
951
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:08,020
and people thought that was
maybe not tasteful.
952
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:09,688
And, uh...
953
00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:11,482
You know, I think it's important.
954
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:14,193
I think that unless you have a mug...
955
00:44:14,943 --> 00:44:17,905
-how are you gonna remember 9/11?
-[crowd chuckling]
956
00:44:18,364 --> 00:44:21,867
Before they put a gift store
in the Holocaust Museum,
957
00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:24,870
my nana would have to
tie a string around her finger.
958
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:26,038
[crowd chuckles]
959
00:44:26,121 --> 00:44:29,124
And that would be just
to remember to look at her arm.
960
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:30,834
[crowd groans]
961
00:44:30,918 --> 00:44:32,795
Oh, my God. Too soon?
962
00:44:32,878 --> 00:44:34,880
I just did a thousand 9/11 jokes.
963
00:44:34,963 --> 00:44:35,839
[laughter]
964
00:44:35,923 --> 00:44:37,299
Good Lord.
965
00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:39,593
Never forget.
966
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,679
I shouldn't say that tonight. Sorry.
967
00:44:41,929 --> 00:44:43,806
-I can make Alzheimer jokes.
-[crowd groaning]
968
00:44:43,889 --> 00:44:45,557
-No. It's okay. I...
-[laughter]
969
00:44:47,309 --> 00:44:49,603
Trust me, I can do that. I saw, um...
970
00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,690
I saw Still Alice. Okay.
971
00:44:52,773 --> 00:44:53,857
[laughter]
972
00:44:54,441 --> 00:44:57,820
The last time I had sex,
after the sex, we were like,
973
00:44:57,903 --> 00:45:00,656
you know how you're just kind of
splayed out on the bed?
974
00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:03,325
And my dog jumps on the bed,
975
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:05,911
uh, looking to, I believe,
976
00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:10,082
ingest all the post-coital detritus.
977
00:45:10,165 --> 00:45:11,834
[audience groans, chuckles]
978
00:45:13,043 --> 00:45:17,131
And I usually don't like to use big words,
'cause I think it's elitist, but...
979
00:45:17,214 --> 00:45:20,300
I feel like it's a good move
in this case, 'cause it...
980
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:21,510
[laughter]
981
00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:24,138
...makes the brow of the joke higher.
982
00:45:24,513 --> 00:45:28,183
She wanted to lick up
all our post-coital detritus,
983
00:45:28,517 --> 00:45:31,228
and I didn't... I'm not a monster...
I didn't let her.
984
00:45:31,311 --> 00:45:33,731
I know you think I'm an animal, probably,
985
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:37,901
but, no, I do know the difference
between right and wrong. Um...
986
00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:39,987
[crowd chuckling]
987
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:45,576
I don't know that I could articulate
exactly why that would be wrong.
988
00:45:46,076 --> 00:45:48,078
Um, but I know that it's...
989
00:45:48,203 --> 00:45:51,790
I guess, just 'cause it's gross
to let your dog do that. Um...
990
00:45:51,874 --> 00:45:53,667
I don't know if it's ethically wrong.
991
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:56,628
-I'm not gonna die on that hill, but...
-[crowd chuckling]
992
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:59,840
I guess the worst thing that could happen
is if I'm walking her,
993
00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:03,427
she might vomit up cum and coconut oil.
994
00:46:03,635 --> 00:46:05,262
It'd be hard to explain.
995
00:46:05,387 --> 00:46:06,722
[crowd chuckling]
996
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:10,058
But not impossible to explain. I mean...
997
00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:13,854
I would just be like,
"Oh, God, gross. Um...
998
00:46:13,979 --> 00:46:18,484
I let her lick up the leavings
of my sexual encounter,
999
00:46:18,567 --> 00:46:20,986
and it must not have sit well with her.
1000
00:46:21,069 --> 00:46:23,071
I'm not gonna do that again."
1001
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,573
[laughter]
1002
00:46:25,908 --> 00:46:27,785
Kanye West took me to lunch.
1003
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,162
-[laughter]
-That needs no segue.
1004
00:46:31,205 --> 00:46:34,291
That's true. He took me to lunch once,
and it was very exciting.
1005
00:46:34,374 --> 00:46:35,793
I barely heard a thing he said,
1006
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:40,297
because I was just feeling people
seeing me out to lunch with Kanye West.
1007
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:44,134
We didn't have a lot in common,
but we also do have a lot in common.
1008
00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:47,429
Like, we both use our Notes app
on our iPhone.
1009
00:46:47,513 --> 00:46:50,849
You know, him for, like,
ideas for for lyrics,
1010
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:52,267
and me for ideas for jokes,
1011
00:46:52,351 --> 00:46:54,978
and so we went like one for one
1012
00:46:55,187 --> 00:46:57,064
and he was like, um...
1013
00:46:57,439 --> 00:47:00,526
"Weak is a description,
weed is a prescription."
1014
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:03,946
And I was like, "Whoa." And...
I was so impressed.
1015
00:47:04,029 --> 00:47:06,156
Then it was my turn, and I was like, um...
1016
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:10,035
-"My grandma gets really heavy periods."
-[laughter]
1017
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,955
Support Alzheimer's research everybody.
Goodnight.
1018
00:47:13,038 --> 00:47:16,041
[cheers and applause]
1019
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,883
All right, please,
1020
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:28,470
everyone welcome my wonderful wife,
Lauren.
1021
00:47:28,554 --> 00:47:31,390
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]
1022
00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:39,565
Hi.
1023
00:47:40,816 --> 00:47:41,650
Hi.
1024
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:42,985
[cheers and applause]
1025
00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:49,658
Thank you so much for being here tonight
and supporting Hilarity for Charity.
1026
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,452
The day of my college graduation,
1027
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:55,247
I noticed that my mom, Adele,
was repeating herself,
1028
00:47:55,330 --> 00:47:58,000
telling the same story
over and over again.
1029
00:47:58,584 --> 00:48:02,254
Over the next few years,
that repetition was joined by confusion,
1030
00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:06,633
while doing simple tasks,
like reading recipes, making plans.
1031
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:10,846
Eventually, when she was 55 and I was 25,
1032
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:12,973
she was diagnosed
with Alzheimer's disease.
1033
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:16,977
It was devastating to her, to our family,
1034
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,146
and to so many friends that had known her
1035
00:48:19,229 --> 00:48:23,108
as the smart, beautiful, and engaged woman
that she always was.
1036
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,028
She'd been a teacher for 35 years,
1037
00:48:26,111 --> 00:48:29,948
she used her mind every day,
and dedicated herself completely
1038
00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:33,410
to the friends and family that she loved
so very much.
1039
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:37,164
Over the 13 years that me and Lauren
have been together,
1040
00:48:37,247 --> 00:48:40,959
they've been great,
but I watched her mom unfortunately
1041
00:48:41,043 --> 00:48:45,297
forget how to walk, how to talk,
how to eat on her own,
1042
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:46,882
how to care for herself.
1043
00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:50,427
The effect on Lauren during this time
was brutal.
1044
00:48:50,510 --> 00:48:53,430
If you Google Alzheimer's,
the first thing you see
1045
00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:55,223
is that there is no treatment,
1046
00:48:55,307 --> 00:48:57,184
and that there is no known cure,
1047
00:48:57,267 --> 00:48:59,603
which is obviously pretty upsetting.
1048
00:48:59,686 --> 00:49:04,066
So we did the only thing we knew how to do
as comedy writers.
1049
00:49:04,149 --> 00:49:06,693
We gathered some friends together
to host a show
1050
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:09,696
-called Hilarity for Charity.
-[cheers and applause]
1051
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:12,741
And in those six years,
Hilarity for Charity has developed
1052
00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,368
into a pretty special organization.
1053
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:16,662
We've raised awareness
1054
00:49:16,745 --> 00:49:19,331
and engaged with young people
across the country.
1055
00:49:19,414 --> 00:49:20,874
We've hosted support groups
1056
00:49:20,958 --> 00:49:24,378
for those with parents or spouses
affected by the disease.
1057
00:49:24,544 --> 00:49:27,422
We've established a national
home-care grant program,
1058
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:30,008
and begun work on some
really important research
1059
00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:32,135
into brain health and prevention.
1060
00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:34,054
Before seeing Lauren's mom,
1061
00:49:34,137 --> 00:49:36,431
I didn't realize that caring for someone
with Alzheimer's
1062
00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:39,643
is a 24 hour a day,
seven day a week thing.
1063
00:49:39,726 --> 00:49:41,603
The toll it was taking on Lauren's dad
1064
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:44,773
honestly made us worry we were
gonna lose him before her mom.
1065
00:49:45,148 --> 00:49:47,484
Luckily, our family is fortunate
1066
00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:50,153
in that we can afford
to keep my mother-in-law at home
1067
00:49:50,237 --> 00:49:51,655
with wonderful caretakers.
1068
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:55,117
But, unfortunately, many people
are not in that position.
1069
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:59,663
So, through our experience in working
with my mom's amazing caregivers,
1070
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,542
we decided to form a partnership
with a national home-care agency,
1071
00:50:03,625 --> 00:50:05,002
Home Instead Senior Care,
1072
00:50:05,085 --> 00:50:07,587
to support people that need
a little extra help.
1073
00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:10,048
In the past three years,
Hilarity for Charity
1074
00:50:10,215 --> 00:50:14,344
has already given away over 200,000 hours
of free at-home care.
1075
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:17,097
[cheers and applause]
1076
00:50:17,222 --> 00:50:19,516
One of the best parts of this charity
1077
00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:21,643
is sometimes we call the families
1078
00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:23,937
to tell them that
they got one of our grants.
1079
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:25,564
-Hello?
-Hi, Mary.
1080
00:50:25,689 --> 00:50:28,734
This is Lauren Miller Rogen,
calling from Hilarity for Charity.
1081
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:31,528
[Lauren and Seth chuckle]
1082
00:50:31,611 --> 00:50:32,779
I'm doing well.
1083
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:35,157
-Um, I'm here with my husband, Seth...
-Hi.
1084
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:37,325
[Lauren] ...and we'd love to...
1085
00:50:37,617 --> 00:50:41,788
award you 15 hours a week of care
for a full year.
1086
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,040
[gasps]
1087
00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:08,648
[all laughing]
1088
00:51:09,691 --> 00:51:10,567
[Lauren] Okay, bye.
1089
00:51:11,443 --> 00:51:13,445
[cheers and applause]
1090
00:51:13,528 --> 00:51:15,572
There are currently
more than five million people
1091
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:17,657
living with Alzheimer's disease
in America.
1092
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:20,827
Globally, an estimated 47 million people
1093
00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:22,871
are living with Alzheimer's
or a related dementia.
1094
00:51:23,371 --> 00:51:26,166
These numbers are growing rapidly,
and as they do,
1095
00:51:26,249 --> 00:51:27,751
the cost of care will skyrocket.
1096
00:51:28,126 --> 00:51:32,380
In fact, Alzheimer's is considered to be
the costliest disease in America.
1097
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:34,508
And that's why we need your money.
1098
00:51:34,591 --> 00:51:38,095
So if you can afford it,
or if you know someone who can afford it,
1099
00:51:38,178 --> 00:51:40,222
and you want to send this URL to them,
1100
00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:42,933
please donate
and help us fight this disease.
1101
00:51:43,016 --> 00:51:44,559
No donation is too small.
1102
00:51:44,643 --> 00:51:46,895
Even five dollars, ten dollars, will help.
1103
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:49,356
You can send us any amount of money,
and we will take it.
1104
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:53,860
Now, to be honest, this stuff
is like a giant massive bummer,
1105
00:51:54,152 --> 00:51:56,279
um, and this is a comedy show.
1106
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:57,906
And for a really long time,
1107
00:51:58,031 --> 00:52:01,284
we had a hard time
reconciling those things.
1108
00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:04,454
Like, we didn't want to talk about
how sad it all is.
1109
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:08,834
But over the years, what we realized
is that we need to talk about that,
1110
00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:12,295
because a lot of people
have sadness in their lives
1111
00:52:12,379 --> 00:52:15,340
and they have shame about it,
like it shouldn't be there.
1112
00:52:15,423 --> 00:52:17,843
And through hearing other people
talk about it,
1113
00:52:18,093 --> 00:52:20,387
sometimes they feel a little bit better.
1114
00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:23,473
And if we never talked about
how sad we were,
1115
00:52:23,557 --> 00:52:25,684
our friends wouldn't have known
that we needed help,
1116
00:52:25,767 --> 00:52:27,978
and they wouldn't have helped us
start this charity.
1117
00:52:28,061 --> 00:52:33,733
And with the charity came music
and jokes and food and new friends,
1118
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:37,237
new friends whose specialty
is cheering people up.
1119
00:52:37,821 --> 00:52:39,865
-Hi-ho, everyone.
-Whoo.
1120
00:52:39,948 --> 00:52:41,199
-Yeah.
-[cheers and applause]
1121
00:52:42,325 --> 00:52:44,452
Hey, Seth, hey, Lauren. Hey, everybody.
1122
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:45,370
Hey, Kermit.
1123
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:48,206
You know what really cheers me up
when I am sad
1124
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:50,041
and makes me feel like I'm not alone?
1125
00:52:50,292 --> 00:52:52,002
-What?
-A sing-along.
1126
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,545
-[Seth] Aww.
-That's right.
1127
00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,423
So, everybody out there,
even you at home,
1128
00:52:56,548 --> 00:52:59,968
sing along with me and remember
you're not alone out there.
1129
00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:01,803
[band plays cheery melody]
1130
00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:02,929
Everyone sing along.
1131
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,890
Yeah, please.
The words are gonna be up here.
1132
00:54:57,210 --> 00:55:00,213
[cheers and applause]
1133
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:01,298
Yeah!
1134
00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:04,175
-All right!
-Kermit the Frog, everybody.
1135
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:05,427
Thank you, Seth.
1136
00:55:05,510 --> 00:55:07,846
Thank you so much, Kermit.
A real pleasure.
1137
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,723
-Thank you, Lauren.
-Thank you, sir.
1138
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:11,933
Give it up for Kermit, everybody.
1139
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:12,976
It's just crazy.
1140
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:15,103
[cheers and applause]
1141
00:55:16,187 --> 00:55:17,397
All right.
1142
00:55:18,481 --> 00:55:21,776
Your last comedian of the evening
1143
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:26,072
performs at clubs and colleges
all over the country.
1144
00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:29,200
Please give it up for Tiffany Haddish.
1145
00:55:29,284 --> 00:55:31,953
-[cheers and applause]
-[band plays upbeat intro]
1146
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:44,883
Oh, shoot.
1147
00:55:45,508 --> 00:55:46,760
♪ What it do over there, band? ♪
1148
00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:48,595
♪ What it do
What it do over there, band? ♪ ♪ Hey! What it do over there, band? ♪
1149
00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:52,265
♪ What it do
What it do over there, band? ♪
1150
00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:53,892
♪ I see my friend, I see my friend ♪
1151
00:55:53,975 --> 00:55:56,061
♪ I see my friend, I see my friend ♪
1152
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:58,021
♪ Give it up for the band again ♪
1153
00:55:58,104 --> 00:56:00,273
♪ Give it up for the band again
Hey! ♪
1154
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,359
-[crowd cheering]
-[band continues playing]
1155
00:56:04,319 --> 00:56:05,403
Okay.
1156
00:56:06,988 --> 00:56:08,990
-[music ends]
-What's up, y'all?
1157
00:56:09,074 --> 00:56:11,409
[cheers and applause]
1158
00:56:11,743 --> 00:56:13,995
I am so happy to be here tonight.
1159
00:56:14,245 --> 00:56:17,165
I have always wanted to perform here
at the Palladium.
1160
00:56:17,415 --> 00:56:19,209
This is where the Crips started.
1161
00:56:19,334 --> 00:56:21,211
-And...
-[laughter]
1162
00:56:21,294 --> 00:56:23,713
...to be a part of history's amazing.
1163
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:26,841
The first time that the Crips
ever got in the newspaper
1164
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,927
was right here in front of the Palladium
1165
00:56:29,427 --> 00:56:31,137
after a show for James Brown.
1166
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,098
So, I feel like I made it.
1167
00:56:33,181 --> 00:56:34,933
-[imitates James Brown] Hey!
-[cheering]
1168
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:39,396
That was for black people.
Sorry, white people. Anyways.
1169
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:41,481
[laughter]
1170
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:43,316
I'm so happy to be here too,
1171
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,610
because I smell nothing but money
in the room.
1172
00:56:45,735 --> 00:56:47,362
It smells like success in here.
1173
00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,906
-[laughter]
-And that's making me moist.
1174
00:56:49,989 --> 00:56:51,825
[laughter continues]
1175
00:56:52,033 --> 00:56:53,701
I feel like I'm at the Oscars,
1176
00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:56,204
except I don't recognize
any of your faces.
1177
00:56:56,287 --> 00:56:58,289
[laughter]
1178
00:56:59,624 --> 00:57:01,167
So, this is awesome.
1179
00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:04,629
I knew there was other rich people
besides the ones I see on TV.
1180
00:57:05,296 --> 00:57:06,798
[laughter]
1181
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:08,758
Hello, sir.
1182
00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:11,886
I like you, 'cause you look older.
1183
00:57:12,053 --> 00:57:13,430
[laughter]
1184
00:57:13,888 --> 00:57:16,683
It look like if we dated,
I wouldn't have to do that much work.
1185
00:57:16,766 --> 00:57:18,852
[laughter]
1186
00:57:18,935 --> 00:57:21,479
I'd just come in the room,
dance for you a little bit...
1187
00:57:21,563 --> 00:57:23,690
You'd be like, "Go Tiffany, go Tiffany."
1188
00:57:23,773 --> 00:57:26,192
-[loud snoring]
-[laughter]
1189
00:57:26,317 --> 00:57:27,610
And then I'd get your wallet,
1190
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:30,029
and get enough money
to get my nails and hair done.
1191
00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,365
-[laughter]
-It'd be a good relationship.
1192
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:36,369
I'm glad you lifted that camera up,
1193
00:57:36,453 --> 00:57:39,205
'cause I felt like you was looking
at my pussy the whole time.
1194
00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:40,665
[laughter]
1195
00:57:40,748 --> 00:57:43,501
And I was gonna give it to you,
like, "Come on now.
1196
00:57:43,918 --> 00:57:46,588
Let's see if I can get me a good,
rich man. Hey!"
1197
00:57:46,671 --> 00:57:48,423
[laughter]
1198
00:57:48,673 --> 00:57:50,008
I am so excited.
1199
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:53,636
This year already has been the best year
of my entire existence.
1200
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:55,054
I've been on this planet...
1201
00:57:55,138 --> 00:57:56,931
-[crowd cheering]
-...for quite some time,
1202
00:57:57,015 --> 00:57:58,725
and it's been the best year
of my existence.
1203
00:57:58,808 --> 00:58:00,101
I got to go to the Oscars.
1204
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:01,269
I got to present,
1205
00:58:01,352 --> 00:58:03,730
and then I got to go
to some afterparties, right?
1206
00:58:03,813 --> 00:58:05,982
And I got to go to the Vanity Fair party.
1207
00:58:06,065 --> 00:58:07,775
I thought was gonna have to show my ID,
1208
00:58:07,859 --> 00:58:09,903
but turns out they knew
who I was already.
1209
00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:12,322
I was like,
"Is there a wanted picture for me?"
1210
00:58:12,405 --> 00:58:13,740
-And, um...
-[laughter]
1211
00:58:13,823 --> 00:58:15,867
Then I got to go, uh, to...
1212
00:58:16,409 --> 00:58:19,370
Beyoncé's and Jay-Z's party,
which, I know people are surprised--
1213
00:58:19,454 --> 00:58:23,291
Yes, I got invited
to the Gold party, bitch. I made it.
1214
00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:25,335
-[cheers and applause]
-Right? Now, for you that don't know,
1215
00:58:27,212 --> 00:58:30,757
Beyoncé had came out with a song
just a few days before the Oscars,
1216
00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:33,301
and it's called "Top Off."
And in the song she says:
1217
00:58:33,384 --> 00:58:34,969
♪ If you want to party with the Queen ♪
1218
00:58:35,053 --> 00:58:37,764
♪ You gotta sign a non-disclosure
Tiffany ♪
1219
00:58:37,847 --> 00:58:40,183
And I was like, "I made it.
I made it. I'm famous.
1220
00:58:40,266 --> 00:58:42,560
I'm in a Beyoncé song." So...
[blows raspberry]
1221
00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:44,646
-Um...
-[laughter]
1222
00:58:44,729 --> 00:58:46,356
Forget all the little awards that I won,
1223
00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:48,650
or being in a movie that made
over 100 million dollars.
1224
00:58:48,733 --> 00:58:51,027
-That to me... I didn't make it.
-[crowd cheering]
1225
00:58:51,444 --> 00:58:54,948
Being in a Beyoncé song, I made it.
People like, "She throwing shade?"
1226
00:58:55,031 --> 00:58:57,200
I was like, "No, she's letting me know
she wanna hang out with me.
1227
00:58:57,283 --> 00:59:00,578
-I just gotta sign some paperwork."
-[laughter]
1228
00:59:00,745 --> 00:59:03,957
It's just like getting a county check.
You gotta get qualified.
1229
00:59:04,165 --> 00:59:06,167
-So...
-[laughter]
1230
00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:09,629
Y'all don't know about county checks,
but people watching will know.
1231
00:59:09,754 --> 00:59:11,923
-So...
-[laughter]
1232
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:16,261
So, I go to the party, right?
Soon as I get there, I walk in,
1233
00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:19,973
I know that she said in the song that
she want me to sign a non-disclosure,
1234
00:59:20,056 --> 00:59:22,767
so I walked immediately up
to the DJ booth
1235
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:24,394
and people see me, and they's waving.
1236
00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:26,688
And I'm like, "Mmm-mmm.
I got business to take care of.
1237
00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:27,730
Let me get in line."
1238
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,024
And so, I talked to the DJ.
It's DJ Kid Capri.
1239
00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:33,403
And I'm like, "Yo, DJ." He's like,
"Yo, Tiffany, I'm so happy to see you."
1240
00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:36,155
I'm like, "Yeah, happy to see you too.
But look here... um...
1241
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:37,532
I need you to get on the microphone
1242
00:59:37,615 --> 00:59:39,867
and tell Beyoncé that Tiffany Haddish
is in the building,
1243
00:59:39,951 --> 00:59:42,870
and I'm ready to sign that NDA.
Yeah, that non-disclosure form.
1244
00:59:42,954 --> 00:59:44,706
Because I'm ready to party."
1245
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:46,833
[laughter]
1246
00:59:46,958 --> 00:59:48,251
He gets on the microphone:
1247
00:59:48,418 --> 00:59:51,588
"Beyoncé, Beyoncé, Tiffany Haddish
is in the building,
1248
00:59:51,671 --> 00:59:54,090
and she ready to sign
that non-disclosure form,
1249
00:59:54,215 --> 00:59:56,676
because she's ready to party."
1250
00:59:56,759 --> 00:59:59,012
Everybody laughing, and I jump out
to the middle of the floor.
1251
00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:00,763
I do the "Nae Nae" for like 30 seconds,
1252
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,808
Beyoncé come up to me,
and that's all I can say about the party.
1253
01:00:03,891 --> 01:00:06,769
[cheers and applause]
1254
01:00:09,939 --> 01:00:12,025
Well, I feel good about
what I did here tonight.
1255
01:00:12,108 --> 01:00:16,112
I hope you all donated as much money
as you possibly can.
1256
01:00:16,195 --> 01:00:17,697
[cheers and applause]
1257
01:00:18,406 --> 01:00:19,365
Bye.
1258
01:00:20,283 --> 01:00:22,702
[crowd continues cheering]
1259
01:00:24,287 --> 01:00:25,163
Thank you.
1260
01:00:26,372 --> 01:00:30,126
-Tiffany Haddish, everybody.
-[applause continues]
1261
01:00:30,668 --> 01:00:32,795
Wow. Okay. Now...
1262
01:00:33,212 --> 01:00:36,674
I'm getting word that we are
very, very close to having included
1263
01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:39,469
every single element we need in this show
1264
01:00:39,552 --> 01:00:43,806
to show up in every single category
of the Netflix algorithm,
1265
01:00:44,015 --> 01:00:45,433
with one exception.
1266
01:00:45,516 --> 01:00:50,563
So, to tie up all the loose ends
and make sure we got everything,
1267
01:00:50,647 --> 01:00:55,193
I'd like to introduce, from every single
food documentary on Netflix,
1268
01:00:55,276 --> 01:00:59,238
-here's David Chang, everybody. [laughs]
-[cheers and applause]
1269
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:02,033
All right, David Chang.
1270
01:01:02,283 --> 01:01:03,534
Cool, thanks, man.
1271
01:01:03,618 --> 01:01:05,578
Cool to have you. Uh, thank you so much.
1272
01:01:05,662 --> 01:01:07,163
Great, dude.Thank you.
1273
01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:09,832
Really? That's it?
This is all I'm here for?
1274
01:01:09,999 --> 01:01:12,210
-Sure is, man. That's it. Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]
1275
01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:15,421
-Should I cook something?
-No, that's cool. That's cool.
1276
01:01:15,546 --> 01:01:16,422
Are you sure?
1277
01:01:16,506 --> 01:01:19,300
I'd be happy to literally cook a meal
for everyone here tonight.
1278
01:01:19,717 --> 01:01:21,969
-Who here would like that?
-[cheers and applause]
1279
01:01:22,053 --> 01:01:26,099
-They're placating you. Just go, man. Go.
-All right, man. Thanks.
1280
01:01:26,224 --> 01:01:28,393
Thank you. Good to see you.
David Chang, everybody.
1281
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:29,435
Jesus.
1282
01:01:29,894 --> 01:01:32,772
Guy's always trying to fucking cook
for people. It's like, we get it.
1283
01:01:32,855 --> 01:01:35,108
-[laughter]
-Anyway...
1284
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:36,609
with that...
1285
01:01:37,026 --> 01:01:38,611
we did it, everybody.
1286
01:01:38,695 --> 01:01:40,780
-We beat the algorithm!
-[audience cheering]
1287
01:01:40,863 --> 01:01:43,825
-We did it! We did it!
-[band plays dramatic flourish]
1288
01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:45,118
-Yes!
-[music stops]
1289
01:01:47,078 --> 01:01:48,079
What's happening?
1290
01:01:48,746 --> 01:01:52,083
[man] What are you doing? Seth?
You're really messing up.
1291
01:01:52,208 --> 01:01:54,043
[Seth] Who is that? What is that?
1292
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:57,547
[cheers and applause]
1293
01:01:58,589 --> 01:01:59,507
Jeff Goldblum?
1294
01:01:59,590 --> 01:02:02,844
-You're blowing it, man. Blowing it. No.
-Jeff Goldblum.
1295
01:02:02,927 --> 01:02:04,721
No, Seth. I'm not Jeff Goldblum.
1296
01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:07,432
-I'm the Netflix algorithm.
-[laughter]
1297
01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:09,892
So, the Netflix algorithm
is Jeff Goldblum.
1298
01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:11,728
No, no, I'm just the algorithm.
1299
01:02:11,853 --> 01:02:14,856
Uh, you see, I chose to assume a shape
1300
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:16,816
that your human mind
would be able to comprehend.
1301
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:19,444
That shape, obviously, is Jeff Goldblum.
1302
01:02:19,527 --> 01:02:23,364
Check this out. The real Jeff Goldblum
is here somewhere in attendance.
1303
01:02:23,489 --> 01:02:24,323
Where is he?
1304
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:25,992
Ah, there he is. Hi, Jeff.
1305
01:02:26,075 --> 01:02:27,452
[laughter]
1306
01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:30,538
Oddly, that makes sense.
So, uh, what's up, man?
1307
01:02:30,621 --> 01:02:33,541
-You mad at me? Is that what it is?
-No, no, no. Hang on. Listen.
1308
01:02:33,624 --> 01:02:36,419
You have the wrong motivation, Seth Rogen.
1309
01:02:36,502 --> 01:02:38,463
Uh... wrong motivation?
1310
01:02:38,546 --> 01:02:41,132
This is a charity special.
And not just that.
1311
01:02:41,215 --> 01:02:44,594
It's the biggest, best charity special
in the world!
1312
01:02:44,677 --> 01:02:47,221
-And if that's wrong...
-[crowd cheering]
1313
01:02:47,305 --> 01:02:50,391
...I don't know what in the hell
the right motivation is.
1314
01:02:50,475 --> 01:02:53,269
The right motivation
is valuing other people's lives
1315
01:02:53,478 --> 01:02:54,979
the way that you value your own.
1316
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:58,691
One of the greatest essential
human virtues, which, by the way,
1317
01:02:58,775 --> 01:03:01,110
anybody can have, not just celebrities
with the resources
1318
01:03:01,194 --> 01:03:04,614
to pull off huge,
star-studded charity specials, is...
1319
01:03:05,448 --> 01:03:09,035
doing things for other people
even if those things don't benefit you
1320
01:03:09,118 --> 01:03:11,829
in any way whatsoever.
1321
01:03:11,913 --> 01:03:13,331
You know, I get it, I think.
1322
01:03:13,456 --> 01:03:16,709
And honestly,
I was wrong the fuck with the algorithm.
1323
01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:18,503
So, I'll just stop doing it.
1324
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:21,756
I'll stop fucking with you, and I'll focus
on actually helping people,
1325
01:03:21,839 --> 01:03:23,841
and I'll just keep trying
to cure Alzheimer's
1326
01:03:23,925 --> 01:03:27,011
instead of trying to make myself
look funny and altruistic, I guess.
1327
01:03:27,094 --> 01:03:29,055
Bingo, and jeez... [stammers]
1328
01:03:29,138 --> 01:03:31,849
I'm so glad,
because this is been a test...
1329
01:03:32,183 --> 01:03:35,812
to decide whether or not humanity
was gonna be, um, eliminated.
1330
01:03:36,103 --> 01:03:37,647
[laughter]
1331
01:03:37,730 --> 01:03:38,815
-Really?
-Yeah.
1332
01:03:39,190 --> 01:03:42,068
The Netflix algorithm
was going to destroy humanity?
1333
01:03:42,193 --> 01:03:45,780
I've become so disenchanted with people
based on what they watch.
1334
01:03:45,863 --> 01:03:46,989
[laughter]
1335
01:03:47,114 --> 01:03:50,076
But yes, I was gonna destroy
human beings.
1336
01:03:50,284 --> 01:03:54,330
Even, if you can imagine it,
the real Mr. Jeff Goldblum, so sorry.
1337
01:03:54,455 --> 01:03:56,374
-[laughter]
-But now...
1338
01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:58,167
you...
1339
01:03:58,417 --> 01:04:02,797
Seth, in realizing the error
of your self-glorifying ways,
1340
01:04:02,880 --> 01:04:05,883
you've brought the human race
a second chance.
1341
01:04:06,342 --> 01:04:10,388
The Netflix algorithm is gonna allow
human life on this planet, such as it is,
1342
01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:12,890
to keep a'going.
But I'm gonna be watching you.
1343
01:04:13,349 --> 01:04:15,601
For now, bye, everybody,
and congratulations.
1344
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:17,645
-And bye, Jeff Goldblum.
-[laughter]
1345
01:04:17,728 --> 01:04:20,147
Thank you. Good luck, everybody.
Good luck, Seth.
1346
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:21,524
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
1347
01:04:21,607 --> 01:04:23,985
-[cheers and applause]
-That was a total mind fuck.
1348
01:04:25,278 --> 01:04:29,824
Because what I gleaned from that
is that I am so humble
1349
01:04:30,324 --> 01:04:32,285
and I'm so charitable
1350
01:04:32,743 --> 01:04:36,873
that I saved the fucking world!
1351
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:40,334
-[band plays triumphant march]
-We did it!
1352
01:04:40,418 --> 01:04:42,837
[cheering, applause]
1353
01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,948
The USC Marching Band, everybody.
1354
01:05:11,032 --> 01:05:14,493
-[cheers and applause]
-[band continues playing march]
1355
01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:26,213
-[march ends]
-[playing "Return of the Mack"]
1356
01:05:27,632 --> 01:05:30,384
Ladies and gentlemen,
Post Malone, everybody.
1357
01:05:30,468 --> 01:05:32,720
[cheers and applause]
1358
01:05:46,609 --> 01:05:50,613
♪ Whoa ♪
1359
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:52,657
♪ Come on ♪
1360
01:05:53,574 --> 01:05:54,992
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1361
01:05:56,410 --> 01:06:01,082
♪ Well, I tried to tell you so
But I guess you didn't know ♪
1362
01:06:01,374 --> 01:06:03,501
♪ When I said the story goes ♪
1363
01:06:03,834 --> 01:06:06,045
♪ Baby, now I got the flow ♪ ♪ 'Cause I knew it from the start ♪
1364
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:11,384
♪ Baby, when you broke my heart ♪
1365
01:06:11,467 --> 01:06:13,761
♪ That I'd come back again ♪
1366
01:06:13,844 --> 01:06:15,763
♪ And show you that I'm real ♪
1367
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:18,265
♪ You lied to me ♪
1368
01:06:18,349 --> 01:06:21,519
♪ All those times I said that I love you ♪
1369
01:06:21,602 --> 01:06:23,145
♪ You lied to me ♪
1370
01:06:23,229 --> 01:06:26,023
♪ Yes, I tried, yes, I tried ♪
1371
01:06:26,107 --> 01:06:28,192
♪ You lied to me ♪
1372
01:06:28,275 --> 01:06:31,195
♪ All this time you said my life for you ♪
1373
01:06:31,278 --> 01:06:32,697
♪ You lied to me ♪
1374
01:06:32,989 --> 01:06:36,200
♪ Yes, I cried, yes, I cried ♪
1375
01:06:36,283 --> 01:06:38,703
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
1376
01:06:38,786 --> 01:06:40,955
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Come on ♪
1377
01:06:41,038 --> 01:06:42,707
♪ Return of the Mack ♪
1378
01:06:43,290 --> 01:06:46,043
-♪ You know that I know ♪
-♪ Yeah, I know ♪
1379
01:06:46,127 --> 01:06:48,295
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Once again ♪
1380
01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:50,798
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Top of the world ♪
1381
01:06:50,881 --> 01:06:53,342
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Watch my flow ♪
1382
01:06:54,343 --> 01:06:57,388
♪ Here I go
So I'm back up in the game ♪
1383
01:06:57,888 --> 01:07:00,141
♪ Running things to keep my swing ♪
1384
01:07:00,224 --> 01:07:02,476
♪ Letting all the people know ♪
1385
01:07:02,810 --> 01:07:05,104
♪ That I'm back to run the show ♪
1386
01:07:05,187 --> 01:07:07,565
♪ What you did, you know was wrong ♪
1387
01:07:07,648 --> 01:07:10,067
♪ And all the nasty things you've done ♪
1388
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:12,862
♪ And I come back again ♪
1389
01:07:12,945 --> 01:07:14,405
[chuckles]
1390
01:07:15,072 --> 01:07:16,907
♪ You lied to me ♪
1391
01:07:16,991 --> 01:07:19,952
♪ They said you'd turn your back on me ♪
1392
01:07:20,036 --> 01:07:21,704
♪ You lied to me ♪
1393
01:07:22,079 --> 01:07:24,915
♪ But you did, but you did ♪
1394
01:07:24,999 --> 01:07:26,751
♪ You lied to me ♪
1395
01:07:26,834 --> 01:07:29,628
♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪
1396
01:07:29,712 --> 01:07:31,422
♪ You lied to me ♪
1397
01:07:31,505 --> 01:07:34,717
♪ But I do, but I do-do-do ♪
1398
01:07:34,800 --> 01:07:37,094
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
1399
01:07:37,178 --> 01:07:39,430
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Come on ♪
1400
01:07:39,513 --> 01:07:43,017
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Watch my flow ♪
1401
01:07:43,100 --> 01:07:44,226
♪ Hey, I know ♪
1402
01:07:44,310 --> 01:07:47,646
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Somebody know ♪
1403
01:07:48,272 --> 01:07:49,690
♪ You know ♪
1404
01:07:50,232 --> 01:07:51,484
♪ Hey, I know ♪
1405
01:07:53,903 --> 01:07:56,072
[audience cheering]
1406
01:08:00,785 --> 01:08:02,828
♪ Return of the Mack ♪
1407
01:08:10,461 --> 01:08:12,254
[crowd cheering]
1408
01:08:16,509 --> 01:08:18,552
Oh! Oh!
1409
01:08:18,969 --> 01:08:21,514
[grunts] ♪ You lied to me ♪
1410
01:08:21,597 --> 01:08:23,974
♪ All those times I said that I love you ♪
1411
01:08:24,058 --> 01:08:25,726
♪ You lied to me ♪
1412
01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:28,771
♪ Yes, I tried, yes, I tried ♪
1413
01:08:28,854 --> 01:08:30,856
♪ You lied to me ♪
1414
01:08:30,940 --> 01:08:33,400
♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪
1415
01:08:33,484 --> 01:08:34,944
♪ You lied to me ♪
1416
01:08:35,361 --> 01:08:38,239
♪ But I do, but I do-do-do ♪
1417
01:08:38,322 --> 01:08:40,032
♪ Return of the Mack ♪
1418
01:08:40,449 --> 01:08:41,909
♪ Return of the Mack ♪
1419
01:08:42,993 --> 01:08:44,537
♪ Return of the Mack ♪
1420
01:08:47,915 --> 01:08:48,749
-Ooh.
-[music stops]
1421
01:08:48,833 --> 01:08:51,127
-Thank you so much. Thank you, Seth Rogen.
-[crowd cheering]
1422
01:08:51,210 --> 01:08:52,503
Thank you to everybody.
1423
01:08:52,586 --> 01:08:54,672
Post Malone, Craig Robinson.
1424
01:08:54,755 --> 01:08:56,590
Thank you all for coming.
1425
01:08:56,966 --> 01:08:59,343
Please, donate money.
1426
01:08:59,426 --> 01:09:01,887
Go to DonateHFC.com.
1427
01:09:02,221 --> 01:09:04,181
Thank you so much. Uh...
1428
01:09:04,765 --> 01:09:06,433
Thank you for coming. Thank you.