1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:06,083 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:09,963 Today, Britain stands at a fork in its crossroads. 3 00:00:09,963 --> 00:00:11,563 And its people are asking questions. 4 00:00:11,563 --> 00:00:15,003 Now we've got our country back, what actually is it? 5 00:00:15,003 --> 00:00:17,763 Who are we? And why? 6 00:00:17,763 --> 00:00:20,563 The best way to find out where Britain's heading is to 7 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:23,603 look behind us into something called "history", 8 00:00:23,603 --> 00:00:25,603 a sort of rear view mirror for time. 9 00:00:26,963 --> 00:00:28,683 So that's where I'm going. 10 00:00:28,683 --> 00:00:30,363 Back there. 11 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,603 It's a journey that'll take me the length 12 00:00:32,603 --> 00:00:36,283 and width of the country, from the White Cliffs of Dover 13 00:00:36,283 --> 00:00:39,683 to the Scottish high lands of the Scottish Highlands. 14 00:00:39,683 --> 00:00:43,123 From old stone circles to modern stone circles. 15 00:00:43,123 --> 00:00:46,083 From the tranquil beauty of Roman Bath to the 16 00:00:46,083 --> 00:00:49,363 Golden Wonder of Oxford Services. 17 00:00:50,403 --> 00:00:54,323 I'll discover how we went from Ancient Man to Ed Sheer-an, 18 00:00:54,323 --> 00:00:56,643 why Elizabeth I happened, 19 00:00:56,643 --> 00:00:59,483 and solving the mystery of just who Winston Churchill was, 20 00:00:59,483 --> 00:01:02,923 and why he wound up helplessly trapped inside this banknote. 21 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:08,443 Along the way, I'll be shouting at helicopters 22 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:11,563 and looking at some of the biggest faces in British history, 23 00:01:11,563 --> 00:01:14,323 and asking other people's faces about them. 24 00:01:14,323 --> 00:01:17,643 Why did they call John Major the Prince of Onions? 25 00:01:19,883 --> 00:01:21,363 Ummmmmm... 26 00:01:21,363 --> 00:01:25,203 And also walking somewhere impressive with my mouth shut 27 00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:29,563 while my voice speaks anyway, like I'm talking aloud in my own head. 28 00:01:29,563 --> 00:01:33,403 All of it taking place in this sceptered isle we call home. 29 00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:36,523 So join me, Philomena Cunk, as I take you right up 30 00:01:36,523 --> 00:01:39,563 the history of the United Britain of Great Kingdom. 31 00:01:39,563 --> 00:01:42,043 This...is Cunk on Britain. 32 00:01:57,363 --> 00:02:00,123 It's hard to imagine while you're standing in it, 33 00:02:00,123 --> 00:02:03,683 but there was a time before Britain. Before Europe. 34 00:02:03,683 --> 00:02:08,003 Before the world, even before the universe. 35 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:12,963 Nobody can say when it was, because it was also before clocks. 36 00:02:12,963 --> 00:02:16,123 And words. It was a time when nothing existed. 37 00:02:16,123 --> 00:02:20,403 Empty. Without motion, or energy, or light, or hope. 38 00:02:20,403 --> 00:02:22,083 Just like Plymouth today. 39 00:02:22,083 --> 00:02:24,763 Just imagine something like this orange. 40 00:02:24,763 --> 00:02:26,843 And then imagine it's not there. 41 00:02:26,843 --> 00:02:29,083 Then do that one by one, with everything that exists 42 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,363 until there's nothing at all. 43 00:02:31,363 --> 00:02:33,883 That's what Britain was like until the Big Bang. 44 00:02:33,883 --> 00:02:39,043 The Big Bang created the universe in one mad explosion that was 45 00:02:39,043 --> 00:02:43,123 probably deafening, although, luckily, ears didn't exist yet. 46 00:02:43,123 --> 00:02:46,163 Computers think it looked like this, although eyes also didn't 47 00:02:46,163 --> 00:02:49,603 exist back then either so we can't be sure, and it was 48 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:54,043 so long ago now it's probably best not to keep dredging it up. 49 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:58,203 Britain was already part of Earth but it was scrunched in along 50 00:02:58,203 --> 00:03:03,363 with loads of other countries in a gigantic land mass called Pangea. 51 00:03:03,363 --> 00:03:08,443 At this time, Pangea was full of Dinosaur, a race of Godzilla 52 00:03:08,443 --> 00:03:12,243 monsters so scary, normal human beings didn't dare exist 53 00:03:12,243 --> 00:03:13,403 until they'd all gone. 54 00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:18,883 Dinosaurs came in many flavours, just like Kettle Chips. 55 00:03:18,883 --> 00:03:23,123 As this actual footage shows, the main ones were the Across ones 56 00:03:23,123 --> 00:03:26,163 who ate grass, and the Up-and-Down ones who ate the Across ones. 57 00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:38,323 This Tyrannical Sawdust Rex is the only real dinosaur left in the 58 00:03:38,323 --> 00:03:44,003 world, which is probably why it's so angry, spending literally every 59 00:03:44,003 --> 00:03:48,603 waking moment of its life roaring helplessly at passing tourists. 60 00:03:52,603 --> 00:03:55,883 People wonder why the dinosaurs became extinct, 61 00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:59,003 although it's hardly surprising they died out 62 00:03:59,003 --> 00:04:02,203 when you see the barbaric conditions they're kept in, in zoos such as 63 00:04:02,203 --> 00:04:08,443 this one, underfed, starving, some of them little more than skeletons. 64 00:04:08,443 --> 00:04:12,403 Luckily, the dinosaurs were soon replaced by different animals. 65 00:04:12,403 --> 00:04:15,443 Animals like me. Man. 66 00:04:15,443 --> 00:04:19,083 But men like me didn't just appear, fully-clothed, on the Earth. 67 00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:24,043 Instead, we had to evolve. Evolution is complicated, 68 00:04:24,043 --> 00:04:27,363 so we've massively slowed it down here so you can see it happening. 69 00:04:28,723 --> 00:04:31,323 And this wasn't the only change that was happening, 70 00:04:31,323 --> 00:04:33,923 Pangea was changing too. 71 00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:38,003 Over time, all the countries decided to split away one by one to 72 00:04:38,003 --> 00:04:40,203 work on solo projects. 73 00:04:40,203 --> 00:04:42,843 And Britain was no exception. 74 00:04:42,843 --> 00:04:46,763 Stones Age man used stones to make basic weapons and tools, 75 00:04:46,763 --> 00:04:48,243 like these hand axes. 76 00:04:49,243 --> 00:04:53,483 As well as boring, these are also shit by today's standards, but 77 00:04:53,483 --> 00:04:56,563 back then they were cutting edge, because they had a cutting edge. 78 00:04:58,283 --> 00:05:00,883 The Stones Age was all rocks, wasn't it? 79 00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:05,483 Are stones made of rock or are rocks made of stone? 80 00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:08,323 Both. A stone is a rock. 81 00:05:08,323 --> 00:05:10,323 Generally a rock... And a rock is a stone. 82 00:05:10,323 --> 00:05:13,203 Yeah, yeah, generally rocks are, uh, more edgy, 83 00:05:13,203 --> 00:05:15,963 more ragged varieties of stone. 84 00:05:15,963 --> 00:05:18,443 The Stone Age lasted a very long time. 85 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,443 In fact, our species spent more time in the Stone Age than any other. 86 00:05:21,443 --> 00:05:25,363 Let's think of it this way, if you look at the human history, 87 00:05:25,363 --> 00:05:29,283 pre-history, as a year and so New Year's Day is where humans 88 00:05:29,283 --> 00:05:33,283 start to use fire, and shape stone tools and this year is the 89 00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:37,763 last split second before midnight at the other end of the year, then 90 00:05:37,763 --> 00:05:42,123 we're in the old Stone Age until about 3pm on the 31st of December. 91 00:05:44,363 --> 00:05:46,683 So rocks are more jaggedy. 92 00:05:46,683 --> 00:05:48,723 You could tell stone age stuff was precious 93 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:51,523 because they kept everything deep underground. 94 00:05:51,523 --> 00:05:55,443 Why did Stone Age people bury all their stuff underground? 95 00:05:55,443 --> 00:05:58,083 Were they worried someone might steal it? 96 00:05:58,083 --> 00:06:00,563 No, that's how we find it. 97 00:06:00,563 --> 00:06:02,483 It wasn't always underground. 98 00:06:02,483 --> 00:06:03,883 It was on the top. 99 00:06:03,883 --> 00:06:07,323 The reason we find it as archaeologists is that we go 100 00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,563 out and we dig it up. Oh. 101 00:06:11,123 --> 00:06:14,323 But not all Stones Age things have to be dug up. 102 00:06:14,323 --> 00:06:15,683 Some are still visible. 103 00:06:15,683 --> 00:06:18,043 Which means you can see them. 104 00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:20,163 This is Stonehenge. 105 00:06:20,163 --> 00:06:22,443 Early man's finest achievement. 106 00:06:22,443 --> 00:06:26,123 To Stones Age Britons, this was a cross between Nemesis 107 00:06:26,123 --> 00:06:29,923 at Alton Towers, in that it was a spectacular attraction, 108 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:32,683 and the queue for Nemesis at Alton Towers 109 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:34,803 in that it never fucking moves. 110 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,403 Stonehenge was used to tell the time, 111 00:06:38,403 --> 00:06:42,483 which means Stonehenge is the only clock you can see from space. 112 00:06:42,483 --> 00:06:45,723 Unless you have a clock in your spaceship. 113 00:06:45,723 --> 00:06:49,963 Eventually, primitive cave-boffins discovered new materials. 114 00:06:49,963 --> 00:06:52,443 Early man dropped rocks like a stone, 115 00:06:52,443 --> 00:06:55,163 and got into metal, bronze, and then iron. 116 00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:56,403 Iron Man was born. 117 00:06:57,363 --> 00:07:01,283 But this Iron Man didn't have superpowers like the Iron Man 118 00:07:01,283 --> 00:07:04,963 in films. He couldn't fly or tolerate Gwyneth Paltrow, 119 00:07:04,963 --> 00:07:09,363 so instead he had to go to lengthy measures to defend himself. 120 00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:13,563 Luckily, cave-boffins had also invented the iron spike. 121 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:16,203 And shortly after inventing the spike, 122 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,283 they invented stabbing each other. 123 00:07:18,283 --> 00:07:20,763 To make sure they stabbed the right people, 124 00:07:20,763 --> 00:07:23,403 Britons formed into primitive gangs, called tribes. 125 00:07:23,403 --> 00:07:26,363 And like many gangs, they got into graffiti, 126 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:29,843 vandalising the countryside with gigantic doodles 127 00:07:29,843 --> 00:07:33,643 like this badly drawn horse, or this decorative pervert. 128 00:07:33,643 --> 00:07:37,523 Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute 129 00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,643 dick pics to a wide audience. 130 00:07:39,643 --> 00:07:43,243 As a result, this site at Cerne Abbas became the second 131 00:07:43,243 --> 00:07:46,643 crudest hill in British history, after Benny. 132 00:07:46,643 --> 00:07:50,483 There's disagreement about how old the Cerne Abbas giant 133 00:07:50,483 --> 00:07:53,403 actually is, especially since he's still young enough to get wood. 134 00:07:54,523 --> 00:07:57,203 What's not in doubt is that he represents 135 00:07:57,203 --> 00:08:00,283 the birth of British art, being the biggest example of a noble 136 00:08:00,283 --> 00:08:04,043 visual tradition that's echoed down the ages. 137 00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:06,923 But this happy land of spikes and hill filth 138 00:08:06,923 --> 00:08:10,403 was about to come under threat from something nobody saw coming. 139 00:08:10,403 --> 00:08:11,483 Romans. 140 00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:17,163 Where did the Romans come from? 141 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:20,203 To begin with, they came from Rome, 142 00:08:20,203 --> 00:08:22,723 and then they came from the Roman Empire. 143 00:08:22,723 --> 00:08:25,243 Right, but where in Britain did they come from? 144 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:29,603 Not from Britain, they came from Rome, which is in Italy. 145 00:08:29,603 --> 00:08:33,043 Right, well, this is about the history of Britain, so.... 146 00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,283 Where in Britain did they come from? 147 00:08:35,283 --> 00:08:39,123 Well, the Romans came from Rome and they headed northwards 148 00:08:39,123 --> 00:08:41,003 and conquered most of Europe. And then they crossed 149 00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:43,643 the English Channel and they conquered about half of Britain. 150 00:08:43,643 --> 00:08:46,883 And where did they go once they were in Britain? 151 00:08:46,883 --> 00:08:48,483 Well, they tried to get to Scotland 152 00:08:48,483 --> 00:08:50,883 but they decided it wasn't worth the effort of going there. 153 00:08:50,883 --> 00:08:52,363 Yeah, I've felt that. 154 00:08:53,763 --> 00:08:58,083 The Romans were so advanced they came with Latin pre-installed. 155 00:08:58,083 --> 00:09:01,043 And they soon taught the primitive locals how to wash 156 00:09:01,043 --> 00:09:03,523 and walk on their hind legs. 157 00:09:03,523 --> 00:09:07,043 The Romans were fearsome in battle but soon found themselves 158 00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:10,283 facing resistance from some British locals known as Celts. 159 00:09:11,443 --> 00:09:14,643 There was heavy fighting, although, according to experts, 160 00:09:14,643 --> 00:09:16,883 it wouldn't have quite looked like this. 161 00:09:16,883 --> 00:09:21,683 Celts famously would... The warriors would strip naked, 162 00:09:21,683 --> 00:09:25,003 paint themselves in designs, and go into battle naked. 163 00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:27,803 They believed that by painting 164 00:09:27,803 --> 00:09:33,523 themselves in designs that they were calling out to their gods, 165 00:09:33,523 --> 00:09:37,603 up in the sky, for protection and for courage and for help. 166 00:09:37,603 --> 00:09:39,723 Did the Romans have chain mail then? 167 00:09:39,723 --> 00:09:42,483 They had, um, armour of a sort. 168 00:09:42,483 --> 00:09:47,683 They had armour and they were naked? Yeah. Who won? 169 00:09:47,683 --> 00:09:49,723 Well... The Romans? The Romans won in the end. 170 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,283 I knew it. 171 00:09:51,283 --> 00:09:57,363 I bet when the Celts turned up naked and saw what the Romans had on, 172 00:09:57,363 --> 00:10:00,763 I bet they were kicking themselves. I bet they felt stupid. 173 00:10:00,763 --> 00:10:03,603 Bet they were like, "Who suggested this?" 174 00:10:05,123 --> 00:10:06,963 Having defeated the Celts, 175 00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:10,803 the Romans set about revolutionising British life. 176 00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:14,643 They built Hard Ian's wall, and put the capital of Britain 177 00:10:14,643 --> 00:10:17,643 in Colchester, were nobody would want to come and get it. 178 00:10:17,643 --> 00:10:22,283 They introduced coins, and invented these primitive 8-bit computer 179 00:10:22,283 --> 00:10:25,283 game graphics, but couldn't make them move. 180 00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:30,443 What the Romans really loved, was bathing, which is 181 00:10:30,443 --> 00:10:33,683 why they built this in the English town of Bathe. 182 00:10:34,643 --> 00:10:39,763 No-one in Britain had seen anything as sophisticated as these baths. 183 00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:43,763 You could think of it as an early example of gentrification, 184 00:10:43,763 --> 00:10:46,963 like when someone opens an artisan bakery in Hull. 185 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:50,523 Imagine an ancient Briton walking into this place. 186 00:10:50,523 --> 00:10:53,763 He'd scarcely be able to comprehend what he was seeing. 187 00:10:53,763 --> 00:10:57,563 It'd be like Steve McFadden climbing on board Concorde. 188 00:10:58,763 --> 00:11:03,083 Perhaps most impressive of all, the Romans invented roads. 189 00:11:03,083 --> 00:11:06,283 Before roads was invented, you had to travel around by standing 190 00:11:06,283 --> 00:11:09,803 at the edge of your village, and seeing how far you could jump. 191 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:14,083 Despite all this, some people resisted the Roman invasion. 192 00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:18,203 Queen Boudicca came from Norfolk, like so many rebels. 193 00:11:18,203 --> 00:11:19,403 Myleene Klass. 194 00:11:19,403 --> 00:11:20,443 Ed Balls. 195 00:11:20,443 --> 00:11:21,723 Delia Smith. 196 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:24,043 Boudicca hated the Romans. 197 00:11:24,043 --> 00:11:28,043 She led a barbarian army in revolt, and attacked Colchester, 198 00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:32,043 turning it from the bustling capital into a smouldering hellhole 199 00:11:32,043 --> 00:11:35,523 full of weeping and despair, which you can still visit today. 200 00:11:35,523 --> 00:11:38,723 Rome was the most advanced warfare machine on the planet. 201 00:11:38,723 --> 00:11:41,923 But Boudicca's army fought back with the weapon they knew best. 202 00:11:41,923 --> 00:11:43,083 Spikes. 203 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:45,403 And lost, because it's just spikes. 204 00:11:45,403 --> 00:11:49,523 Once Boudicca was crushed, the Romans ruled over 205 00:11:49,523 --> 00:11:53,643 Britain for years, until suddenly they had to rush home because they 206 00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:57,243 remembered they'd left a complete collapse of civilisation on. 207 00:11:57,243 --> 00:11:59,123 Britain was left on its own. 208 00:11:59,123 --> 00:12:02,923 It had taken back control from the unelected bureaucrats of Rome 209 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:06,123 and was free at last to explore its own proud destiny. 210 00:12:06,123 --> 00:12:10,003 And it did that by immediately entering the Dark Ages. 211 00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:13,003 We don't know a huge amount about what actually happened 212 00:12:13,003 --> 00:12:15,323 during the Dark Ages because the Romans had taken 213 00:12:15,323 --> 00:12:17,083 the last pens with them. 214 00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:19,403 That's probably why it became a time of myth. 215 00:12:19,403 --> 00:12:21,843 And great heroes, like King Arthur. 216 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,483 King Arthur came a lot, didn't he? 217 00:12:29,523 --> 00:12:32,043 I, I think you mean that he's associated 218 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,643 with the court of Camelot. No, it definitely says.... 219 00:12:38,643 --> 00:12:40,363 "King Arthur came a lot." 220 00:12:41,843 --> 00:12:45,763 Camelot. Camelot? Yeah, it's it's his court. 221 00:12:45,763 --> 00:12:47,123 Where he, where he held court. 222 00:12:47,123 --> 00:12:49,083 It's, it's a place. Oh, right. 223 00:12:50,683 --> 00:12:52,603 But do we know if he came a lot? 224 00:12:52,603 --> 00:12:55,163 Or, like, just the same as an average man? 225 00:12:55,163 --> 00:12:58,323 Like about a tablespoon. 226 00:13:01,163 --> 00:13:05,003 The only evidence I have in that regard is that he is said to 227 00:13:05,003 --> 00:13:06,843 have had one child. Right. 228 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,803 So probably not. Probably not. 229 00:13:11,843 --> 00:13:13,763 Even though he didn't exist, 230 00:13:13,763 --> 00:13:16,763 King Arthur lived in a castle called Camelot, 231 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,603 where he founded the Round Table, 232 00:13:18,603 --> 00:13:20,643 even though he didn't do that either. 233 00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:23,283 The Round Table was a sort of lazy Susan, 234 00:13:23,283 --> 00:13:26,403 which meant the knights could get at the snacks 235 00:13:26,403 --> 00:13:28,843 they wanted without having to move around in their armour. 236 00:13:28,843 --> 00:13:32,003 But perhaps the greatest British icon to emerge 237 00:13:32,003 --> 00:13:34,523 during the Dark Ages was mega patriot 238 00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,483 and dragon slayer St George. 239 00:13:38,723 --> 00:13:42,243 We don't know where or when George slayed the dragon, 240 00:13:42,243 --> 00:13:44,563 but we know it definitely happened 241 00:13:44,563 --> 00:13:47,403 because a bystander took this painting of the event. 242 00:13:47,403 --> 00:13:50,123 And it probably happened somewhere in Wales. 243 00:13:50,123 --> 00:13:54,243 It's one of the few concrete facts to come out of the Dark Ages. 244 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:59,323 Do we know for certain the dragon was threatening St George 245 00:13:59,323 --> 00:14:01,483 or do we just jump to conclusions 246 00:14:01,483 --> 00:14:04,243 because the of the way the dragon looked? 247 00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:08,203 Um, well, eh, the story of St George killing the dragon 248 00:14:08,203 --> 00:14:11,963 isn't actually true because there are no dragons. 249 00:14:11,963 --> 00:14:15,163 After he killed the dragon, how was he rewarded? 250 00:14:15,163 --> 00:14:17,763 I mean, what's better than a saint? 251 00:14:17,763 --> 00:14:21,523 Well, he didn't kill the dragon, cos dragons don't exist. 252 00:14:21,523 --> 00:14:22,883 It's made up. 253 00:14:22,883 --> 00:14:27,003 But is it true to say he was the greatest Englishman who ever lived? 254 00:14:27,003 --> 00:14:30,563 The thing about St George is that he wasn't actually English. 255 00:14:30,563 --> 00:14:34,243 His father came from the middle of what's now Turkey, 256 00:14:34,243 --> 00:14:37,283 and his mother came from Palestine. 257 00:14:37,283 --> 00:14:39,643 And he never actually came to England. 258 00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:40,923 Oh, you're joking! 259 00:14:42,243 --> 00:14:44,443 But although St George never bothered, lots of other 260 00:14:44,443 --> 00:14:49,843 foreigners did set foot in Britain, as it got invaded again and again. 261 00:14:49,843 --> 00:14:52,083 First by the Angles and the Saxons 262 00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:56,163 and then by the notoriously brutal Vikings, who arrived from 263 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:59,683 Denmark in long boats, wearing metal helmets which they'd somehow managed 264 00:14:59,683 --> 00:15:04,043 to pull over the terrifying skull horns that jutted from their heads. 265 00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:08,123 British King Alfred of Great fought the Vikings by giving up, 266 00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:10,243 and letting them settle in York, 267 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,923 probably because it had the Jorvik Viking Centre. 268 00:15:12,923 --> 00:15:17,163 Soon, interbreeding meant the Vikings lost their distinctive 269 00:15:17,163 --> 00:15:20,963 horns and became indistinguishable from normal humans. 270 00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:24,803 For a few hundred years, Britain was relatively peaceful, 271 00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:28,603 until one day when a new king, Harold, was getting coronated. 272 00:15:28,603 --> 00:15:31,723 And Halley's Comet, a sort of very short firework display, 273 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,883 appeared in the sky. 274 00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:36,683 The comet has always heralded great events. 275 00:15:36,683 --> 00:15:39,163 It last appeared in our skies in 1986, 276 00:15:39,163 --> 00:15:42,403 the same year the sitcom Brush Strokes started. 277 00:15:53,643 --> 00:16:00,523 # Because of you, these things I do 278 00:16:02,163 --> 00:16:09,403 # Because of you, because of you. # 279 00:16:13,443 --> 00:16:16,243 In King Harold's day, the comet was also a sign 280 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,003 of terrible things to come. 281 00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:19,443 The year was 1066. 282 00:16:20,683 --> 00:16:24,843 1066 and the Battle of Hastings are probably British history's 283 00:16:24,843 --> 00:16:28,123 two most famous events, so it's handy they happened the same year. 284 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:31,803 Harold had a rival. 285 00:16:31,803 --> 00:16:34,203 In the first example of an EU national coming over here 286 00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:36,123 to take British jobs, 287 00:16:36,123 --> 00:16:39,563 a Frenchman called William set sail to seize the throne, 288 00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:42,003 and become King. 289 00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:45,123 It's amazing to think that only a thousand years ago, this field 290 00:16:45,123 --> 00:16:47,723 was interesting, because it was here 291 00:16:47,723 --> 00:16:51,283 that Harold and William's armies met. 292 00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:54,003 There have been many battles in Britain's history, 293 00:16:54,003 --> 00:16:56,363 but we don't know what happened in most of them. 294 00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,043 The Battle of Hastings is different. 295 00:16:58,043 --> 00:17:01,163 We've got an accurate visual record of the whole thing thanks to 296 00:17:01,163 --> 00:17:05,443 a quick-thinking bystander, who took a tapestry of it. 297 00:17:05,443 --> 00:17:07,843 Despite looking like a Game of Thrones season finale 298 00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:10,243 drawn by an eight-year-old boy, 299 00:17:10,243 --> 00:17:14,603 the Baywatch Tapestry captures the full force of the battle. 300 00:17:14,603 --> 00:17:17,283 It's just like being there, but in wool. 301 00:17:18,443 --> 00:17:23,083 Here's the Norman archers steaming in on their blue horses. 302 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,483 Here's a sort of stick fight bit. 303 00:17:25,483 --> 00:17:28,043 Some chopped up people down here. 304 00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:31,923 His head's off, he'll be furious about that. 305 00:17:31,923 --> 00:17:35,243 Some goose monsters in the sky looking down. 306 00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:38,403 A sort of lion thing up here eating its own tail. 307 00:17:40,163 --> 00:17:43,403 Is that its bumhole? I think that's its bumhole. 308 00:17:45,483 --> 00:17:47,163 As you can see, Harold won 309 00:17:47,163 --> 00:17:50,123 when he triumphantly caught an arrow in his eye. 310 00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:54,003 Sadly, it wasn't enough, and he died soon after. 311 00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,243 No-one knows why. 312 00:17:57,323 --> 00:17:59,843 This meant that the Normans were victorious. 313 00:17:59,843 --> 00:18:03,043 At last, William the Conqueror's name made sense. 314 00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:06,083 William winning was like Brexit backwards. 315 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:08,123 Britain was suddenly part of Europe. 316 00:18:08,123 --> 00:18:10,483 And that meant everything had to change. 317 00:18:10,483 --> 00:18:13,163 There were new castles, new cathedrals, 318 00:18:13,163 --> 00:18:18,243 even the Tower of London, and amazingly all built by one man, 319 00:18:18,243 --> 00:18:19,803 Norman Architecture. 320 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:25,243 The new king wanted a list of everybody in the country, 321 00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:27,163 where they lived, and what stuff they had. 322 00:18:27,163 --> 00:18:29,563 It became known as the Domesday Book 323 00:18:29,563 --> 00:18:32,643 and was very much the internet of its day. 324 00:18:32,643 --> 00:18:36,043 So is this the actual Domesday Book? 325 00:18:36,043 --> 00:18:38,003 This is the actual Domesday Book, yes. 326 00:18:38,003 --> 00:18:41,403 And it's usually under glass, isn't it, this book? 327 00:18:42,443 --> 00:18:45,883 Well, usually it's not accessible at all. 328 00:18:45,883 --> 00:18:50,363 So, it's very rarely on display so this is really quite a special 329 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,803 occasion, that we've got it out, for you to be able to see it today. 330 00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:54,603 So you're not allowed to touch it. 331 00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:58,163 No. I thought that was because of the curse. 332 00:18:58,163 --> 00:19:01,083 The curse? Yeah. I heard that there was a curse on it. 333 00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:03,603 I've definitely not heard that so I, I don't think there's a curse. 334 00:19:03,603 --> 00:19:06,523 I thought it was going to be like, you know, Raiders of the Lost Ark? 335 00:19:06,523 --> 00:19:08,803 Mm-hm. Where that Nazi gets his face melted off. 336 00:19:08,803 --> 00:19:10,803 Yeah, yeah. I thought it was going to be like that. 337 00:19:10,803 --> 00:19:12,163 I'm afraid not. Oh. 338 00:19:13,123 --> 00:19:17,043 So how does the Domesday Book compare to a book like 339 00:19:17,043 --> 00:19:20,043 The Runaway by Martina Cole? 340 00:19:20,043 --> 00:19:23,083 Well, I've not read The Runaway by Martina Cole, but I think... 341 00:19:23,083 --> 00:19:24,203 It's really good. OK... 342 00:19:24,203 --> 00:19:27,603 I think that's a work of fiction so it's a made-up story, 343 00:19:27,603 --> 00:19:31,323 whereas Domesday is recording the land and land holding 344 00:19:31,323 --> 00:19:33,323 in England before the Norman conquest 345 00:19:33,323 --> 00:19:34,963 and after the Norman conquest. 346 00:19:34,963 --> 00:19:38,283 It kind of lists who holds land, and what's within that land 347 00:19:38,283 --> 00:19:39,523 and how much it's worth. 348 00:19:39,523 --> 00:19:41,243 And it does that in a lot of detail. 349 00:19:41,243 --> 00:19:43,643 So Roger holds a land here called, 350 00:19:43,643 --> 00:19:45,723 it's just called Mildehope. 351 00:19:45,723 --> 00:19:47,763 It's probably going to have a different name now. 352 00:19:47,763 --> 00:19:51,803 So how can we free the people living in this book? 353 00:19:51,803 --> 00:19:53,923 Well, they don't live in the book. 354 00:19:53,923 --> 00:19:56,643 But their souls are inside the book. 355 00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:59,123 I don't think that's necessarily true. 356 00:19:59,123 --> 00:20:02,443 I think this records information about them. 357 00:20:02,443 --> 00:20:05,043 But it's not... they're not in there. 358 00:20:05,043 --> 00:20:07,283 It's just, you know, it's just a record about them. 359 00:20:07,283 --> 00:20:10,603 It doesn't sort of contain their being, or anything like that. 360 00:20:10,603 --> 00:20:12,083 We don't need to worry about them. 361 00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,643 Are you sure? I'm sure. 362 00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:19,003 The book gives us a unique insight into what life would have 363 00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:20,083 been like in the Middle Ages. 364 00:20:20,083 --> 00:20:22,363 In the middle-evil times, if you were lucky enough to be 365 00:20:22,363 --> 00:20:26,283 a King or a knight or a lady with a pointy hat with all nets on it, 366 00:20:26,283 --> 00:20:29,563 you might have lived somewhere like this. 367 00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:30,803 A castle. 368 00:20:30,803 --> 00:20:34,043 Castles were originally built by kings to protect their land 369 00:20:34,043 --> 00:20:36,883 and to sit in - whereas, today, they're mainly used 370 00:20:36,883 --> 00:20:39,563 as extortionate wedding venues. 371 00:20:39,563 --> 00:20:41,723 Of course, not everyone was a king. 372 00:20:41,723 --> 00:20:43,883 Everyone else was peasants. 373 00:20:43,883 --> 00:20:47,523 Peasants lived in thatched wooden huts full of chicken shit. 374 00:20:47,523 --> 00:20:50,563 The water was filthy, so everyone drank beer, 375 00:20:50,563 --> 00:20:52,963 and the only thing to eat was bread. 376 00:20:52,963 --> 00:20:56,083 It was a particularly challenging time for the gluten-intolerant. 377 00:20:56,083 --> 00:21:01,083 But, luckily, nobody was yet middle class, so they just put up with it. 378 00:21:01,083 --> 00:21:03,883 But life for the common man was about to get better 379 00:21:03,883 --> 00:21:06,523 thanks to the Magna Carta, a sort of terms 380 00:21:06,523 --> 00:21:09,363 and conditions notice King John had to sign against his will, 381 00:21:09,363 --> 00:21:13,603 which limited his powers and gave citizens basic rights. 382 00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:18,323 The Magna Carta kick-started the whole of British political history, 383 00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:22,603 a history so complex even experts can no longer keep track of it. 384 00:21:22,603 --> 00:21:26,043 What's the most political thing that's ever happened in Britain? 385 00:21:26,043 --> 00:21:27,403 Erm... 386 00:21:28,563 --> 00:21:31,323 I'm not sure. I mean, I think... 387 00:21:35,923 --> 00:21:37,083 Gosh, that's... 388 00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:40,763 that's, that's a a tricky question in the sense that 389 00:21:40,763 --> 00:21:46,283 there are definitely degrees of.... 390 00:21:50,123 --> 00:21:51,243 Oh, gosh. 391 00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:54,003 What's the most political...? So, I, I... 392 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:58,243 There are lots of things that are straightforwardly political 393 00:21:58,243 --> 00:22:01,363 and then there are other things that are not. 394 00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:04,883 That are sort of halfway, I guess, but, erm, I can't... 395 00:22:04,883 --> 00:22:07,523 I genuinely can't identify the most political. 396 00:22:07,523 --> 00:22:08,843 Second-most? 397 00:22:11,043 --> 00:22:14,403 Meanwhile, back in history, by the Middle Ages, middle-evil 398 00:22:14,403 --> 00:22:17,563 England was such a big deal, it was even happening in Scotland. 399 00:22:19,003 --> 00:22:21,883 The Scots have always been a proud, confident nation, 400 00:22:21,883 --> 00:22:25,083 ready to complain if they think they've not been given their own 401 00:22:25,083 --> 00:22:27,083 little section in a landmark history programme. 402 00:22:27,083 --> 00:22:28,443 But in 1296, 403 00:22:28,443 --> 00:22:32,603 Scotland was reluctantly under the rule of English Edward I. 404 00:22:32,603 --> 00:22:35,043 One man wanted out, Walliam Willis. 405 00:22:35,963 --> 00:22:39,643 No-one knew what Walliam Willis looked like until 1995 406 00:22:39,643 --> 00:22:44,523 when Hollywood scientists discovered he looked exactly like Mel Gibson 407 00:22:44,523 --> 00:22:47,963 who was, coincidentally, playing a Scottish Apache in a film called 408 00:22:47,963 --> 00:22:51,603 Braveheart, a sort of Scottish reboot of Dancing With Wolves. 409 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:57,523 That they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom! 410 00:22:57,523 --> 00:23:01,283 Sensitively informing modern audiences about a story little-known 411 00:23:01,283 --> 00:23:04,723 outside Scotland, the film emotively and expertly 412 00:23:04,723 --> 00:23:08,483 depicted Walliam as he gathered a band of noble warriors 413 00:23:08,483 --> 00:23:10,803 and defeated the English army at Stirling Bridge, 414 00:23:10,803 --> 00:23:13,243 using facepaint and extreme whittling. 415 00:23:15,123 --> 00:23:17,843 To this day, the words "Stirling Bridge" 416 00:23:17,843 --> 00:23:19,963 conjure pride in every Scotman's heart. 417 00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:21,563 While to an Englishman, 418 00:23:21,563 --> 00:23:25,403 those same words conjure up literally no feelings at all. 419 00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:28,923 But his glory days weren't to last and Willis and his men 420 00:23:28,923 --> 00:23:31,563 were defeated by the English at Falkirk. 421 00:23:31,563 --> 00:23:35,323 With Willis gone, a posh Scotsman called Roberty Bruce 422 00:23:35,323 --> 00:23:38,603 thrashed the English at the Battle of Bannockburn, and took the throne. 423 00:23:38,603 --> 00:23:42,683 Scotland would never again be under English control, for a bit. 424 00:23:42,683 --> 00:23:46,523 Willis meanwhile was eventually captured by the English 425 00:23:46,523 --> 00:23:50,643 and taken to London, where he was publicly hung, drawn and quartered. 426 00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:54,883 This means he was hung by his neck, then while he was still alive, 427 00:23:54,883 --> 00:23:58,123 his guts were chopped out, and his body cut into four quarters. 428 00:23:58,123 --> 00:24:01,403 Something you can ask your local butcher to do to a chicken. 429 00:24:01,403 --> 00:24:04,883 Once it'd stopped screaming, Willis's severed head 430 00:24:04,883 --> 00:24:07,563 was placed atop a pike on London Bridge, 431 00:24:07,563 --> 00:24:09,963 like a sort of gory Scottish Pez. 432 00:24:09,963 --> 00:24:14,323 Willis' execution kicked off a golden age of public entertainment. 433 00:24:14,323 --> 00:24:18,483 As well as watching people die painfully, popular past-times 434 00:24:18,483 --> 00:24:22,243 included bear baiting, shin-kicking and cockfighting, 435 00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:25,403 which isn't what it sounds like, even though I checked twice. 436 00:24:25,403 --> 00:24:28,883 But British culture wasn't just being cruel to animals. 437 00:24:28,883 --> 00:24:30,843 It was also bum jokes. 438 00:24:30,843 --> 00:24:35,163 And the William Shakespeare of bum jokes was Geoffrey Chaucer. 439 00:24:35,163 --> 00:24:38,123 His greatest work was The Canterbury Tales, 440 00:24:38,123 --> 00:24:40,923 which everyone has pretended to have a read at least some of. 441 00:24:43,123 --> 00:24:47,483 His stories feature lots of bawdy shenanigans, a literary phrase 442 00:24:47,483 --> 00:24:49,843 which means knockers popping out, or things unexpectedly 443 00:24:49,843 --> 00:24:53,683 going up your arse accompanied by a sort of swannee whistle noise. 444 00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:58,123 Chaucer's meant to be quite rude, isn't he? 445 00:24:58,123 --> 00:25:01,403 Could you describe a rude bit for me? 446 00:25:01,403 --> 00:25:05,083 So, there's a very famous scene where, um, there's a woman, 447 00:25:05,083 --> 00:25:07,603 a very pretty woman called Alison, who everyone fancies. 448 00:25:07,603 --> 00:25:10,163 And she is in her bedroom with one lover, 449 00:25:10,163 --> 00:25:13,723 and then another would-be lover arrives at the window 450 00:25:13,723 --> 00:25:15,843 to serenade her and begs her for a kiss. 451 00:25:15,843 --> 00:25:19,603 And she sticks her arse out of the window, her naked arse, 452 00:25:19,603 --> 00:25:23,243 and he kisses that very enthusiastically 453 00:25:23,243 --> 00:25:26,203 and then suddenly realises what he's done. 454 00:25:26,203 --> 00:25:29,123 And he's quite upset and runs away. 455 00:25:29,123 --> 00:25:31,443 Right, that's not very rude, is it? 456 00:25:31,443 --> 00:25:34,283 Like, my mate, Paul, told me this joke 457 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:37,923 about this bloke in prison, who wore a bib round his backside. 458 00:25:37,923 --> 00:25:41,323 And that story went places I wasn't prepared for. 459 00:25:42,403 --> 00:25:44,963 Like, not even funny, just disturbing. 460 00:25:44,963 --> 00:25:47,403 And when I looked up, Paul was crying. 461 00:25:49,683 --> 00:25:52,283 But it wasn't all chuckles in the Middle Ages. 462 00:25:52,283 --> 00:25:55,443 In 1348, Britain was invaded again. 463 00:25:55,443 --> 00:25:57,603 But this time by a plague. 464 00:25:57,603 --> 00:26:00,603 Not a metaphorical plague like a metaphorical plague. 465 00:26:00,603 --> 00:26:03,123 But an actual plague, made of plague. 466 00:26:04,963 --> 00:26:07,643 The Black Death symptoms were disgusting. 467 00:26:07,643 --> 00:26:11,003 Discoloured buboes grew in the groin and armpits, 468 00:26:11,003 --> 00:26:13,283 making even a light workout next to impossible. 469 00:26:14,643 --> 00:26:18,563 If you had sex with someone who had the Black Death, would you 470 00:26:18,563 --> 00:26:21,003 have to use a condom for protection? 471 00:26:23,363 --> 00:26:25,523 It depends what your major concerns were. 472 00:26:25,523 --> 00:26:29,603 Um. But you wouldn't be protecting yourself against infection. 473 00:26:29,603 --> 00:26:33,723 How long would you get off work if you got the Black Death? 474 00:26:33,723 --> 00:26:36,923 Um, in about 70% of cases you'd be off work forever. 475 00:26:36,923 --> 00:26:39,123 Oh, right. Result. 476 00:26:39,123 --> 00:26:40,603 Because you'd be dead. Oh. 477 00:26:42,843 --> 00:26:46,443 Roughly half the population died, which statistically meant that 478 00:26:46,443 --> 00:26:50,203 if you wanted to save your loved ones, you'd have to die yourself. 479 00:26:50,203 --> 00:26:52,723 The Middle Ages started like fancy dress party 480 00:26:52,723 --> 00:26:54,883 and ended like Halloween. 481 00:26:54,883 --> 00:26:57,283 But once it had got its strength back, 482 00:26:57,283 --> 00:26:59,123 and grown some more people, 483 00:26:59,123 --> 00:27:02,283 England descended into 30 glorious years of violent conflict 484 00:27:02,283 --> 00:27:06,523 between rival royal houses - the War of the Roses, 485 00:27:06,523 --> 00:27:08,803 which sounds like a sitcom about florists, but, 486 00:27:08,803 --> 00:27:11,523 perhaps surprisingly, wasn't. 487 00:27:11,523 --> 00:27:14,843 This was an incredibly complex period of history, 488 00:27:14,843 --> 00:27:17,403 which is frustrating because we've got to get it out of the way in this 489 00:27:17,403 --> 00:27:21,803 episode, and we spent too long talking about Mel Gibson earlier. 490 00:27:21,803 --> 00:27:24,923 The War of the Roses is a complicated struggle, 491 00:27:24,923 --> 00:27:27,443 but could you sum it up for my viewers in, 492 00:27:27,443 --> 00:27:31,363 like, three words? 493 00:27:31,363 --> 00:27:34,363 Uh, conspiracy, dynasty, war. 494 00:27:35,323 --> 00:27:37,923 Could you do it a bit more thoroughly than that? 495 00:27:37,923 --> 00:27:39,163 I'll give you ten seconds. 496 00:27:42,563 --> 00:27:43,723 Start. 497 00:27:43,723 --> 00:27:47,003 Uh, it's a struggle to control England and the crown. 498 00:27:50,123 --> 00:27:51,363 You've got a few more seconds. 499 00:27:51,363 --> 00:27:52,443 Between warring and... 500 00:27:52,443 --> 00:27:54,083 Stop. 501 00:27:55,763 --> 00:27:59,243 Perhaps the most violent event of the War of the Roses 502 00:27:59,243 --> 00:28:01,123 was the Battle of Bosworth, 503 00:28:01,123 --> 00:28:05,163 which Richard III tried to escape by burrowing under a car park. 504 00:28:05,163 --> 00:28:09,403 He hid down here for centuries before finally emerging in 2013, 505 00:28:09,403 --> 00:28:13,923 by which point the war was over, and he'd died of tarmac inhalation. 506 00:28:14,963 --> 00:28:16,723 Richard III may have died, 507 00:28:16,723 --> 00:28:20,643 but he gave birth to a series of celebrity kings and queens. 508 00:28:20,643 --> 00:28:25,163 The Tudors, very much the Kardashians of British history. 509 00:28:25,163 --> 00:28:27,563 But that's a story that'll have to wait for now. 510 00:28:27,563 --> 00:28:30,643 Join me next time when I go back in time again. 511 00:28:30,643 --> 00:28:33,043 Not in an exciting way like in a film, 512 00:28:33,043 --> 00:28:36,843 I'm probably just looking at some old pots, or something. 513 00:28:39,003 --> 00:28:42,523 How can we be sure Henry of Eight is who we think he was? 514 00:28:42,523 --> 00:28:46,363 What if he was someone else just pretending to be himself, 515 00:28:46,363 --> 00:28:51,923 who happened to look like whoever he actually was? Uh, well... 516 00:29:14,283 --> 00:29:16,643 Subtitles by Red Bee Media