[sleigh-bell music]
Santa, can you tell my dad to come home for Christmas?
Can you tell your mom to stop blowing the line cook
at the waffle house? Now, stop bothering Daddy at work.
Okay, who's next?
- [Santa groaning] - Merry Christmas, Santy Claus!
I know you ain't the real Santy,
but you report to the real Santy!
What do you want for Christmas?
For the love of fuck, tell me lap band surgery.
No! Ever since I was a child, I only wanted one thing.
An electric blue, old gauge Chuggy Chuggy, Chattanooga Choo Choo,
but he's never brought me my train.
I'm good every year.
I never cuss and I never touch my privates,
not even to make water!
So why don't Santa ever visit?
Don't know.
Losing consciousness.
Well, I ain't movin' till I get me some gosh-darn fart-flippin' answers.
I don't know. Maybe this town needs more Christmas spirit?
Oh, that's it! I'm gonna bring so much Christmas spirit
to this town that Santa will surely bring me my train!
[excited giggling]
Excuse me. My little girl is waiting.
- Sorry, ma'am. - Oh, thank God.
- [beeping] - Oh, what?!
Santa, I want a pony. My last one hung itself.
Fitz, I can't believe that a Paradise cop is the argyle meth Kingpin.
I can't trust anyone. Thanks for letting me set up my crime lab here.
Now, where are those thumbtacks?
Thanks, Fitz.
It could be any of them. Well, I'm 90% certain that it's not me.
And you can't run an empire if you're half-dead and pissing through a tube.
Unless you're Rupert Murdoch. I better get back to work.
Why isn't this printer working? Oh, it's unplugged.
I'll just borrow this plug for a second.
[frantic beeping]
[continuous beep]
[rhythmic beeping]
Oh, man. My iPod Touch is dead.
[continuous beep]
[Dusty hums "Deck the Halls"]
Dusty! Why the hell does my police station
look like Oriental Trading Company took a shit in here?
Calm down, Chief.
A little Christmas spirit ain't never hurt nobody.
[snoring]
[yelling]
Last time I felt a surge like that
was when Nikola Tesla gave me the Shocker.
Two in the B hole, one in the pee hole.
What in the hell is all this commotion,
- so early in the goddamn morning? - Bullet, it's 3 p.m.
Oh shit, I almost missed breakfast.
I'm raising Christmas spirit
so Santy will finally bring me my Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo.
You ever consider that maybe your parents just told you
Santa didn't bring you that train because they're poor white trash scumbags?
If my parents are so poor,
then how come every year they can afford to give me
these fun rubber finger puppets, hmm?
[comedy voice] Hello, Bullet.
Dusty, all I want for Christmas is a kiss on the lips under the mistletoe.
Imma tell you what. You help me get this town in the Christmas spirit,
I'll tear up your restraining order and give you that smoochie.
Yes! Just want to make sure my workplace harassment attorney heard that.
I did. And oral contracts are binding in court.
Hansy Grabavitz Esquire, from the law offices of Goosem and Gropem.
[humming Christmas tune]
Argh!
Oh, god damn it, Dusty, you fluffy fat fuck!
Oh, calm down, Bullet! It's just a doghouse.
My girlfriend was still in there
and she just told me she was pregnant, so I'm feeling...
kinda off the hook, but I'm still pissed about the doghouse.
I'm gonna tell that man-baby there is no Santa.
You will not! That would crush Dusty!
Sorry to use that word with the recent death of your girlfriend.
Nah, I've moved on.
Randall, these last few weeks with you have been perfect.
Just hope our idiot son doesn't screw it up like he screws up everything.
In fact, I think I'm going to yell at him preemptively.
First, how about you give me a little tongue lashing?
Oh, Karen, I did that for two hours last night.
I was talking like Michael Strahan all morning.
- Uh, don't you think it's my turn? - Okay, fine.
Hey, could you pretend to play with my balls?
You know, like that mime we saw juggling.
So do you want an actual blowjob or a mime blowjob?
- Either one requires less talking. - [phone vibrates]
- Oops. Got a meeting. - That's cool. I've finished.
Hi, Mom.
That's a weird-tasting lip gloss. Is it asparagus?
Kevin, what do you want?
Brace yourself, Dad, but I finally found the identity of the argyle meth Kingpin.
It's a Paradise PD cop!
Kevin, there is no way it's one of my cops.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
If you don't stop meddling in this, I'm gonna throw your ass in jail!
Dad, I've never actually asked you this, but...
where were you the night Terry Two Toes was murdered?
I won't dignify that with an answer!
Get the hell out of my office! And don't ever ask me that again!
And for Christ's sake, clean your lips up. No! Don't lick 'em.
You're being crazy, Kevin. Dad isn't capable of murder.
But who in the department is?
Thanks for letting me crash at your place tonight.
The hospital says it's weird for me to continue sleeping
in a bed with a grown man in a coma.
[mocking laughter] You frickin' weirdo!
Ooh! I'm about to hit the sack.
I don't own blankets, but this is pretty much a sleeping bag.
- For dead bodies. - Yeah, I'm good.
Okay, just make yourself at home. What's mine is yours.
Except for that door!
Do not go near that fucking door!
Okay, nighty night, Kevin. Sweet dreams.
[snoring]
Bring that... big fat ass over here.
[grunting]
I'm going to have to find something to bash this door open.
[groaning with effort]
Oh, my God, it is Gina!
She must use these to monitor her argyle meth operations all over town.
Wait a minute. All these cameras are in Dusty's apartment.
Let's see what Dusty was up to the night of Terry's murder.
- Here it is.. - Well, time for my bath.
[meowing]
[retching]
Well, I guess that clears Dusty, but not Gina.
Oh, cheese and potatoes, Mr. Friskers, you're gettin' big. Hey!
Don't lick me there. That's where I make mush!
No leads on the Kingpin.
But I found out why Gina was talking like Michael Strahan that day.
Hopson, what are you doing here?
I like you, Kevin. I always have.
So I'm only going to say this once.
Stop looking into what happened that night.
Hopson, are you threatening me?
Now I am.
Clear the room! This woman's got the biggest parasite we've ever seen!
Really? How did this happen?
Well, I'm no doctor, but if I had to guess,
it would be from licking a fat guy where he makes mush.
Santy, I understand why you never visit.
Our town's naughty. It's not nice.
It'll take a ton of Christmas spirit
to bring you to this white trash dump called Paradise.
♪ Everyone must get some festive Christmas cheer ♪
♪ 'Cause I want Santa to bring my train this year ♪
♪ Put some green elf shoes ♪
♪ Onto Hasidic Jews ♪
♪ I stick a Rudolph nose ♪
♪ On all these strung-out hos Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Here's a festive wreath You meth-head with two teeth ♪
♪ Ice skates and snow skis for quadruple amputees ♪
♪ Creepy man, Ku Klux Klan Afghanistanian ♪
♪ St. Nick's gonna blow his load for my Christmas plan ♪
♪ Everyone must get some festive Christmas cheer ♪
♪ 'Cause I want Santa Claus to pull a train on me this year! ♪
[angry yelling and jeering]
I need to keep my eyes on Hopson 24/7.
Right now, he's at the PD Christmas party,
but I quit, so I can't go.
Unless... I'm someone's plus one.
Thanks for taking me to this, Fitz. Don't worry, the hospital won't miss you.
You know, Fitz, I've never noticed this,
but you look a lot like my first girlfriend,
brown-colored fuck doll.
[drunkenly] I love this man right here! I love him! I love him! I love him!
[coughing]
Wow, things seem to be going well with you and Mom.
- Oh, they are, so far. - Why do you seem so stressed out?
- You should be happy. - I just got a lot on my mind, okay?
Side note, I don't think Fitz is in any shape to be here.
Are you kidding? He's having a great time!
That's right. Swallow that Christmas spirit!
Take it all! Look in my eyes while you do it.
What're you doing here, drinking alone?
I hate Christmas, all right?
Nobody hates Christmas.
Yeah, well, most people aren't ripped away from their family,
shoved in a box and given as a Christmas gift, like property.
Bullet, I had no idea.
By the way, you don't care about Christmas either, all right?
All you want is your little kiss on the lips under the mistletoe.
It's pathetic how excited you are about that.
I didn't specify what lips.
You're a monster, Gina.
A monster who's within her legal rights.
[Karen humming drunkenly]
♪ Conga with a black guy... ♪
Where's Hopson? I've got to find him.
Fitz, you've gotta drive yourself back to the hospital.
What are you up to, Hopson?
Looks like you're... selling drugs!
I know what's going on here.
- Tell me where it's going down. - In there.
Guess they pass the drugs through this hole!
I'm here. Now give me the goods.
I gave you the money! Give it to me!
Give me the...
All right! That little stunt you pulled was very close to crossing the line.
Why are you threatening me? Why are you trying to stop my investigation?
Because I'm protecting someone.
- Who? Who? - Your father!
My dad is the argyle meth Kingpin?
I'm not answering any more questions.
Unless you ask me through the hole.
- What the hell is that? - It's my invention.
The mobile glory-hole.
Mark Cuban said he loved it!
- On Shark Tank? - No, behind the Kmart dumpster.
Terry Two Toes was shot September 25th at 10:30 p.m.
That night Dad stood up Mom for their date because he ran out of testosterone patches
and grew the most perfect set of breasts I've ever seen.
He stormed out of the house at 9 p.m. for some mysterious reason.
- Let me feel them! Come on, Dad. - Stop it!
No means no!
I remember waking up the next morning
and finding that Dad hadn't come home all night.
At the time, I just assumed he was a werewolf.
But now, Fitz, I think my dad is the argyle meth Kingpin
and I gotta catch him red-handed.
I don't know if I can do this on my own, Fitz.
[Fitz] You won't have to.
- Fitz! You're awake! - That's right.
I won't leave your side until we take your dad down.
- Good morning. - [Fitz yelps]
What the hell are you doing? This man has a severe clown phobia.
Were you cheering up cancer kids or something?
Oh, God, no. Gathering of the Juggalos. ICP for life.
Woop, woop!
If Dad is the Kingpin,
I'll bet he's got argyle meth hidden somewhere.
Ah! Maybe he hid it inside this priceless vase he didn't insure.
- [smash] - Nope. Or in his grandmother's ashes!
Nope.
Oh... I checked everywhere
and there's no argyle meth here.
Unless he hid it in his pet gerbil.
Nope.
It's so nice to see you all are setting up a stage
for the Christmas tree lightin'.
The tree lighting was canceled due to low interest.
It's been replaced with something the people of Paradise are interested in.
The world's largest dwarf gang bang.
I wanna see that too, but the tree lightin' can't be canceled.
We gotta get us a 50-foot tree and so many lights
that Santa can see it from space. And some fake snow and some...
Silence, Hindenburg!
I'm in charge here and there will be no Christmas lights and no Christmas tree.
- [groaning] - [angry yelling]
What the hell is this Christmas crap?
I paid for seats in the sploodge zone.
Oh, it's been canceled. Sorry if I ruined your holiday plans
of watching a dwarf gang bang.
Watch it. Are you kidding me? I'm three foot six. I was gonna be in it!
God damn it! The only thing I've been looking forward to
this whole shitty fucking holiday!
- I hate Christmas! - Hate Christmas all you want.
Just don't get in my way. And keep that Grinch shit away from Dusty!
How's it going, my plus-size panty soaker?
I've been passing out flyers for the Christmas tree lighting,
but everybody told me to shove 'em up my big fat B hole.
It'll just break my heart if nobody shows up.
And I certainly won't feel like kissing no lips under no mistletoe.
[speedy footsteps]
[wind whistles]
Attention, citizens of Paradise.
In an effort to raise Christmas spirit,
martial law will be invoked
and enforced during the Christmas tree lighting, tonight at midnight.
Anyone not attending will be shot and killed on site. Merry Christmas.
[siren blast]
I've got nothing on Dad.
I don't know how I'll ever take him down.
It would take a Christmas miracle.
["La Cucaracha" ringtone]
Holy crap, the Kingpin's phone!
Hello? Howdy do? It's me, Robbie, boss.
Sure, I can meet you midnight tonight at the abandoned Christmas tree factory
to buy a bunch of argyle meth. Yee-haw! Yeah.
Gotcha, Dad... if that is your real name.
If I'm going to stop Dad, I'm going to need a gun.
I know he hides his old one in here somewhere.
Aha!
What's this? Oh, my God.
He kept this? Can't believe I could end up using this on my own dad.
Again. I did shoot his balls off with it.
Oh, there you are, you little asshole!
You ransacked my house and made a strawberry smoothie
that tasted really weird. Plus, my gerbil's missing.
Didn't I tell you what was gonna happen
if you didn't stop meddling?
You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, son?
This is a very important night for me.
I've got something really big going down at midnight
and I am not gonna let you ruin it!
[choking]
Why didn't I just hide it?
I knew it! He is doing the big argyle meth deal tonight.
I can't bust him if I'm stuck in here.
Who can I trust to go in my place?
I need someone as cunning as I am with balls of steel.
♪ Scrooge, you better listen to my fat ass ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the ghost of Christmas past ♪
♪ Don't you be so freakin' greedy ♪
♪ You better give to the needy ♪
♪ Don't be a Jew, Scrooge Don't be a Jew this Christmas ♪
♪ I'm saying don't be a Jew ♪
♪ Scrooge, don't be a Jew ♪
♪ This Christmas. ♪
Wunderbar, Dusty. Incredible song.
Mr. Anton, are you sure we need all that anti-Jew stuff at the end?
Ja. 'Tis the season.
- ["Jingle Bells" ringtone] - Ho, ho, hello?
Dusty, you're never going to believe this, but the argyle meth Kingpin is my dad.
Yeah, that's who I would've picked.
Dad is doing a huge deal tonight at midnight.
It's my only chance to bust him! But he locked me in the jail.
I need you to go for me.
But my tree lighting's at midnight.
Dusty, please! This is our only chance!
I'll try to get out of here. If I can, I'll back you up.
Well, I guess nothing shows more Christmas spirit than helping a friend in need.
- I'll do it. - Where's the sign-in for the gang bang?
I can't tell if that wiener's big or just looks big on you, little man.
- It's big, asshole! - All right, if you say so.
[chatter]
Let's go, people! Move it! What the hell are you doing here?
I'm required by law to be here, right? Like the rest of your holiday hostages.
Where's Dusty? It's almost midnight.
Maybe his balls dropped and he realized that he's a grown man.
Thought about that? I'm gonna tell these poor people
they can go home and I'm gonna call that bus full of horny half-pints
and tell them to turn round, point it at my dick.
Not another step! I'm lighting this Christmas tree with or without Dusty.
Christmas spirit counts whether he's here or not.
You're out of control, Gina!
It's time somebody put a stop to your corny Christmas bullshit.
All right, you fucking shit town. Let's get merry.
[gasps]
It's beautiful.
Isn't it, son?
[dolphin chatter]
[horn beeps]
[siren blast]
Delbert, man, I'm sorry I got you mixed up with argyle meth.
It's my fault you lost your hand
and I ruined your dream of going to the Winter Olympics
and jerking off two guys at the same time.
That's okay, Robbie. Who needs to jerk off a two-man bobsled team
when you can do this?
Bullet, I'm sorry about how I acted
and I do hope that you can learn to love Christmas.
Wait a minute. Is this...
100% pure direct from a Peruvian jungle lab.
I was gonna track down your parents, but I thought you'd like this more.
Oh! You know me so well.
I think I'm starting to like Christmas.
[voiceover] When Bullet snorted that coke,
his heart grew three sizes that day,
which is extremely unhealthy, most doctors say.
I gotta get out of here to help Dusty!
[grunts]
You ain't gonna get out that way.
- Hobo-Cop, how'd you get in here? - There's a hole in the wall.
No. I know this trick.
I don't think my mouth is going to fit over that.
I'm coming, Dusty! Oh, crap, it's almost midnight.
- Kevin! - Dad? What are you doing here?
You said you had somewhere important to be.
I told you to stay out of it.
Now I gotta put you back in jail.
- No, you're not! - Kevin!
You're going to confess to what you did the night of Terry's murder,
right now, in front of everyone.
Okay, okay, you wanna know what really happened that night?
Well, I'll tell you.
I was depressed about sprouting that perfect set of 34Gs.
So I spent the night getting drunk.
You expect me to believe you hid your whereabouts
because you were embarrassed you got drunk?
No, I was embarrassed about what happened after I got drunk.
- [music pounds] - [bawdy cheering]
I'm a continental breakfast, boys.
Melons on top, but a sausage below.
Okay.
Can anyone back that up?
- [casual whistling] - Don't act like none of you were there!
I was. That's why I was protecting you, Chief.
I didn't want to see your life ruined.
I'm in love with Summer Sausage.
Jesus, Hopson, is that why I caught you hiding my testosterone patches?
I just want to eat one more continental breakfast
before I die, Summer.
Stop calling me that! Well, Kevin, way to go.
I was going to propose to your mother tonight, but you ruined it,
just like I knew you would!
You were going to propose?
Yeah, but now that you know about Summer Sausage,
- you'll probably never speak to me again. - I love you.
And of course I want to marry you again.
And I'd like to meet this Summer Sausage.
You can't marry her! Because you're going to marry me, Summer.
Get the hell out of here, Hopson! Oh, wait, that is a big rock.
Wait a minute. If you're not the argyle meth Kingpin,
who was on the other end of that phone?
Who's meeting Dusty right now?
[tremulous humming]
Who is it?
Oh, my God, it's you!
What the fuck are you doing...?
Yes, Dusty, it's me, the real Santa.
I knew it would work! All the Christmas spirit got you here to Paradise.
That's right. It was the Christmas spirit that...
Oh, fuck.
Santa? You mixed up in argyle meth?
Ho, ho, ho! Dusty, it's red and green meth.
I can't believe it took you incompetent pig so long to figure it out.
But Santa, it can't be! You're good! You stand for the spirit of giving!
Give, give, give. But when does Santa get his fucking piece, huh? No!
I believed in you.
Even though the other kids made fun of me,
I never stopped believing.
I know, Dusty, and I'm sorry that I've let you down.
You know what I think will make up for it? Your train.
My Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo?
Your train to hell! All aboard!
♪ Jolly Old Saint Nicholas Lives at the North Pole ♪
♪ He is such a sweet old man He'd never harm a soul... ♪
Made in China piece of shit!
[grunting]
Ooh! Candy cane!
Looks like I'll have to do this with peace and joy.
Enjoy your last meal, you fat fuck.
♪ His heart is sweet as candy His beard is white as wool ♪
♪ He'd never pick up a yule log And crush a fat guy's skull... ♪
Huh! I guess this was for Dusty's big finish.
Wherever he is, I'm gonna get that kiss.
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! Hall... ♪
Die, Santa, die! Die, you son of a cunt!
Fucking shitburger, bitch... [rants and screams]
And I'm keeping the goddamn Choo Choo!
Dusty! Are you okay? We got here as soon as we could.
Wait a minute, who's giant bag of argyle meth is that, Dusty?
Santy Claus's?
I didn't do it! I tell you, it was Santy Claus!
Santy Claus did it, that twat-sucking piece of shit!
Wow, you were right all along, son.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
You are the best damn cop the city of Paradise has ever seen.
I never thought it was Dusty.
I thought I saw a footage at Gina's place that cleared him of Terry's murder.
Hey, he tricked you. Threw you off the trail.
But don't feel bad.
He tricked all of us. We all thought he was just a clueless man-child.
Ho, ho! But you caught him red-handed.
No! Dusty, I know you're innocent. You can't take him from me! Let him go!
He owes me a kiss under the mistletoe.
- Please, you gotta get him out. - You'll need a trial lawyer.
I only handle minor cunnilingus disputes.
[phone vibrates]
Sorry, got to take this. It's Michael Douglas again.
[prisoners jeer]
Wait a minute. Am I in a women's prison?
Of course you are. You're a woman. We checked... twice.
I have a buried penis.
I even have a doctor's note 'cause these mix-ups happen all the time.
Shut up and get in your cell, lady.
- Hey! - [door clanks shut]
I hear you're the one who killed my son.
You about to be one dead woman.
Oh, my God. Bunk beds!
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Well, Fitz, I guess I got everything I wanted.
My parents are getting remarried. I'm a hero in my dad's eyes.
He's even giving me a medal.
But it all feels empty because I don't know if you'll ever come out of this.
Yeah, it's me.
It worked better than I could have imagined.
They think that fat cop is the Kingpin.
And he took out Kringle for me.
Don't get me wrong.
Saint Nick was good for handling distribution
so I could keep my cover,
but I was sick of sharing my profits with that bowl full of jelly.
And now, Paradise is all mine. Me, the Kingpin.
Here's our new drug, boss. Argyle meth.
Red and green? Don't you think that's a dead giveaway?
Why don't you put chocolate in that shit, too?
Ho, ho, ho, good idea, boss.
I just don't understand.
It was supposed to be a plastic steak.
I set you motherfuckers up.
And I fucking hate prop comedy.
[whimpering]
Oh, boss, thank goodness.
Please, wait a second.
None of those cops suspect a thing.
They're all too stupid...
except for one of them, but I'll be taking him out next.
[evil laughter]
[manic laughter]
[Hopson] Hey, you!
Have you ever been in church
and had a hankering for an anonymous blowjob?
Well, now you can get one, with Hopco's mobile gloryhole.
The glo-hole to go! It works anywhere.
At a job interview.
Your wife's funeral.
Next to a playground.
On trial for indecent exposure.
Anywhere!
Comes in three sizes: white, black,
and Tucker Carlson.
Act now and your first orgasm is on me!