[metal scraping]
No, you can't take my helicopter!
Take my son instead!
Fitz!
I'm so happy to have my best friend back on the force.
Yep, I don't hate you at all
for ruining my multi-million-dollar Dippin' Dots franchise.
That's a relief,
because that would be a good reason to hate me.
Anyway, BFF, I need your guidance.
Since Gina saved my life,
every time I see her, I get butterflies...
in my penis.
Any advice you could give me?
Yeah, find a nice incel community to join.
I did. I'm too pathetic to get in there.
- Damn. That's sad. - No, that's the name of the group.
Look, start by not doing any of your usual
embarrassing vagina-dehydrating shit.
Don't worry.
I'm sure nothing will call attention to me in a negative manner today.
Happy Kevin Sucks Day!
[party horn toots]
Happy what day?
"Kevin Sucks Day."
It’s a holiday we celebrate ever since a certain Kevin
ruined the town for everyone.
Whatever. It's not a real holiday.
It is now. I just signed the declaration.
Got you a "Kevin Sucks Day" card, honey.
Look at that, son, you’re literally fucking the town.
Kevin sucks!
How are there piñatas for a holiday that didn’t exist two hours ago?
That’s not a piñata. That’s my Kevin Sucks love doll.
He likes it rough.
That's a weird way to celebrate a holiday.
What holiday?
Do I need to remind you that I also saved an innocent man’s life?
Dusty gets out of prison today,
and I can assure you he won't be a fan of this holiday.
♪ Happy Kevin Sucks Day ♪
♪ Kevin fuckin' sucks! ♪
Who wants cookies?
Really, Dusty?
They made up this horrible holiday
because I spared you from the electric couch.
How could you celebrate it?
Well, Easter’s a celebration of the murder of our Lord and Savior,
but I still eat the fuck out of some Cadbury's.
Point taken.
After all your time in prison,
I'm surprised Gina's not all up in your pants.
Oh, I am.
Gina, you cannot take your vacation days in my pants!
Aw, man!
I was having fun tickling that starfish.
You better wash that finger before you eat.
You, sir, have turned this town back into a crime-ridden dump!
- And I just wanna say thank you. - Bullet, are you crying?
No, I just had a junkie blow coke under my eyelids
and I think my eyeballs are melting.
Bullet’s right. Drugs are back in a big way.
Designer meth is once again rampant on the streets of Paradise.
People do love my argyle meth.
I mean, not my argyle meth. Not!
[nervous chuckle]
Good save, Fitz.
Argyle meth? Ooh, that is so last year, girlfriend.
I'm talking about Houndstooth meth.
What? Houndstooth?
Who wants that white-girl winter-coat-looking shit?
The makers of this Houndstooth meth really know modern marketing.
They even hired a top YouTube influencer to do an unboxing video.
What’s up guys? OMG, as you can see,
each shard of meth has a beautiful pattern and if you eat enough of it,
you start to feel funny. [manic laughter]
These are really bugging me.
[grunts and laughs]
Put me on the case, Chief.
I’ll put an end to Houndstooth meth today.
Ooh, Fitz, I'm hard.
I mean, impressed!
Good save, chief. Take Dusty with you.
You want me to work on a holiday?
It's not a holiday!
Stop the war on Kevin Sucks Day, libtard.
Hey, Dad, I could go with Fitz.
No, you have screwed up enough for one week.
Just go clean the pre-cog tank.
Those bathtub baldies are getting repo-ed and I want my deposit back.
Mom, can you talk to him?
- Fuck off, Kevin! - Hang in there, baby.
We may be disgraced at the moment, thanks to our stupid son,
but that's going to change soon
because I am going to solve this Kingpin case myself.
[man] No, you won’t.
The Kingpin case is mine.
Agent Clappers, FBI.
You had your chance to solve this case and you botched it.
You think that you can march in here and take my case away?
[laughs] Man, you have got some set of... [gasps]
♪ Big ball energy ♪
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
- Robble robble. - What?
Wow, nice testes!
Hey, Bullet, I almost forgot to thank you
for feeding my cats while I was in lady prison.
No problem, Dusty.
I'm glad you felt confident
that there was no way I'd forget to do something so important.
[Bullet whimpers]
Okay, hmm, yum-yum-yum, who's hungry?
Ah, shit.
Well, I did what I could.
[Crawford roars]
[bullets firing]
[Gerald grunts]
[Gina yells]
[yells, wheezes]
[Bullet exhales]
- [phone beeps] - Thester, I need you to tell me
everything you know about Houndstooth meth.
I know they move 50 bags today.
Could be more, that's just how many I bought.
Thester, just tell me where they’re slinging the stuff.
The one place no one ever goes, except to buy meth...
the Paradise Public Library.
I’m gonna Dewey decimate those motherfuckers.
[Thester squeals and laughs]
I don't get it.
- [phone beeps] - Want to get back to it, then?
[panting] I'm the devil!
Stupid, asshole-y parents.
Could my life suck more?
I wish I was a creepy bald pariah
who could lounge around in a pool all day.
I guess we can't all be Jeff Bezos.
They’re detecting a pre-crime.
Maybe I can solve it and impress Gina.
Kevin Crawford?
That's me!
What crime will I commit today?
“Will masturbate in front of the monkeys at the zoo.”
[scoffs]
That's ridiculous!
There's no way I would ever masturbate in front of monkeys at the zoo.
Or would I?
- [flies buzzing] - Aw, man!
How could I let this happen? Dusty will never forgive me.
Wait a minute. Two, four, si...
Thirteen? I thought Dusty had 14 cats.
- [crockery clatters] - [groaning]
[slurping and groaning]
I ate them.
I ate them all!
[screams]
A talking cat!
Okay, Kevin, all you have to do today
is not masturbate in front of the monkeys at the zoo.
This should be easy.
But, uh, better play it safe.
- [phone rings] - Paradise Zoo.
Uh, hello, this is Al...
Jazeera.
And there's a bomb at the zoo,
so you need to shut down all day today.
Shut down? We’re not shutting down!
Kevin Sucks Day is our biggest day of the year!
Keep it together, Kevin. It doesn’t matter if the zoo stays open.
All you have to do is not go to the zoo.
Kevin, there’s been a bomb threat! Get your ass down to the zoo!
God, you suck, Kevin!
So, uh, Agent Clappers, huh?
[scoffs] What do you think of him?
- I love the way that pair dangles. - What?
These earrings! Aren't they nice?
Oh, yeah. They're nice.
Say, uh, Karen...
do you ever find yourself missing my testicles?
What? No! I love your little patch of...
scorched earth. [nervous chuckle]
Really? Because, well, back when I had balls,
you used to go Hungry Hungry Hippos down there.
Remember? I’d flick your tail and you’d gobble up my marbles.
Oh, that was just a phase.
Trust me, women don't like balls. They’re gross!
They look like Clint Eastwood spent a week face-down in a koi pond.
Phew! Well, that's a relief.
I’ve got to run to church and practice my “Fuck You, Kevin” sermon
for the Kevin Sucks Day mass.
I'll meet you there.
Oh, Karen! Have you seen my cufflinks?
Ah, never mind. Maybe they're in her nightstand.
What the hell is this?
That's a ball-do.
It’s like a dildo, but for ball freaks.
You can use them like this,
or this, or just put them...
[muffled speech]
- Gah, I got it! - Yeah, they're fun.
Must’ve gotten there by mistake.
I mean, Karen told me that she’s not into balls.
What the hell are you doing here anyway, Hopson?
I’m just here to return Karen’s ball porn.
Sack To The Future, Scrotal Recall,
and Twelve Years A Slave To Some Guy’s Nuts.
Holy shit.
Karen’s binging on Nutflix!
She's a grade-A ball freak!
And Clappers has grade-A balls.
His nuggets are nice,
but they don’t compare to the ones you had.
I haven't seen balls that beautiful since the funeral.
What funeral?
Oh, I guess you were still in the hospital then.
Yeah, Karen had a big hero’s funeral for your balls.
- [Karen sobs] - [bagpipes play]
No!
[Karen wails]
Now, Dusty, you wait in the car because it might get dangerous inside.
Oh, that's fine, Fitz, 'cause I’m realizing
I never actually been inside one of these police cars,
and I’m pretty sure I’m stuck.
[car creaks]
[door slams]
I'm assuming you're the guys selling Houndstooth meth in the library?
No, uh, we're, uh, checking out books to read.
Oh, yeah? What's this letter?
- Effa? - Double Z?
Okay, you got us.
Great, so we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Hard way? Ain’t you that nonviolent, piccolo-playing, pussy cop?
[Fitz laughs heartily]
- [Dealer laughs] - [laughter fading] Oh. Hmm.
[Dealer laughs heartily]
Yeah, I am,
but people change.
[Fitz grunts]
Who do you work for?
Shh!
[whispering] Oh, I'm sorry. Who do you work for?
[whispering] Fuck you, pig.
[Fitz groans]
Shh!
[whispered groans]
[bunny squeaks]
Okay! My boss is at Robby and Delbert’s crack house.
Just don't hurt me.
Don't worry. This won't hurt at all.
What kind of cop are you?
- The worst kind. - [gun clicks]
[librarian coughs]
[muffled gunshots]
Gun whispers! Fitz is in trouble!
[grunting]
Come on. Get... Get out of it.
[siren wails]
- Ah! - Fitz! Are you okay?
What the...
I know, I'm wearing a Crown Vic after Labor Day,
but just get in.
Doc, I just found out that Karen is a grade-A ball freak,
and I'm a little lacking in that area.
You gotta help me!
Of course. What time do you want me to teabag your wife?
No, Dr. Weirdo! I want my own set of balls!
Oh, you mean a ball transplant?
I'll put you at the top of the donor list.
You'll receive the testicles of the next male that dies in Paradise.
That's great news, Doc.
And until those nuts come through, Karen can borrow my ball-do.
[sadly] Already has one.
Ah, but does she have a celebrity ball-do?
I have Don Lemon and Ice-T.
Sometimes I put them together. I call it the Arnold Palmer.
I heard there was a deceased male.
Yep. Piano fell on his nuts.
Ah, shit!
Gina, please tell me this guy didn't die by testicular trauma.
- Nope, heart attack. - Thank god.
It was the shock of seeing his balls go through a wood chipper.
Fuck!
[sirens wail]
Now, buddy, we both know you don't have the balls to do this.
Oh, yes, I do.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me see.
- What? - Your balls. Let me see your balls.
Uh... Okay.
Wow, they're beautiful!
All right, go ahead and jump.
But, uh, could you try to land on your back, please?
Hot dog!
You’re right. They are beautiful balls!
Thanks, mister. I have something to live for.
In fact, I've got two things to live for.
No! Finish what you started.
Honey, I'm coming home. I've got something to show the kids,
something that'll make 'em proud of their old man.
- [crowd cheers] - [Crawford] God damn it.
Okay, Kevin. Bad news: You’re at the zoo.
Good news: All you have to do
is stay far away from the monkeys.
And just to make sure of that...
[chuckles]
Good thinking, Kevin.
The next and only stop: The monkeys!
Damn it!
H-hey, I get it.
You did what you had to do to survive.
I ate the first of my cat friends for survival.
By number four, I started to enjoy it.
At number 11, they started to give me power.
God-like power!
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Have some of this Fancy Feast while I get the fuck out of here!
Mr. Meowgi only craves cat flesh.
And I need more!
More!
And you’re going to get it for me.
[screeches and hisses]
Hey, gotta go.
- [Mr. Meowgi screeches] - [Bullet grunts]
A-ha!
Rebel Wilson in Cats. That’s who you look like!
I've been imbued with the power of 13 felines.
You will deliver my cat flesh
or I may develop a taste for dog!
Okay. I do know one cat.
- [cat snores] - [phone rings and vibrates]
Hello? Who this?
[groans] Hey, Miss Whiskers.
I, uh, I need to see you.
Oh, hi, Bullet. Is this a booty call?
Sure, whatever, yeah.
I want that mangy, bug-infested booty so bad, yeah.
- Just get over here. - Oh, okay.
But if I come over there, this pussy better get eat.
Uh, well, that's the plan.
We’re never gonna stop Houndstooth meth if you don’t go faster!
You’re gonna have to talk to my cardiologist.
He says if I walk faster than a light stroll, my body will explode.
That's it, I'm calling an Uber.
Somebody call an Uber?
God damn this. I’m walking.
Karen, I hope with your help, I can finally take down this Kingpin.
You seem on the ball. I mean...
It’s driving me nuts that we haven’t sacked him.
Uh, I don’t mean to sound testy.
It’s all so hairy, enough to make you go nad.
I mean, mad!
I mean, fat balls in my face!
Well, just tell me what you do know.
Well, we busted argyle meth dealers here and here,
so I'd say the Kingpin was operating out of either here or here.
[sultry music]
How would you feel about a hands-on investigation of these two...
areas?
Well, that’d be a lot to juggle, but...
[yelps]
Sorry!
My chair's all wet. [laughs]
Hey, Clappers! It was bad enough when you took my case,
but you stay the hell away from my woman.
What are you worried about, Crawford?
What Karen and I have is strictly professional.
If professional includes your fiancée eye-fucking my dick titties.
Yeah, well, those dick titties of yours aren’t as perfect as you think they are!
The left one hangs slightly lower!
Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been eye-fucking ‘em too!
Look, Doctor Funtlichter, the ball donor list is taking too long.
I need nuts yesterday.
Well, Randall, if you don't mind bending the law a little bit,
you can always try the black market.
We only harvest the healthiest organs here.
What are you in the market for? Spleen, liver, heart, lungs?
- Got any testicles? - Do we?
[sniffs]
[smacks lips]
Hmm, nice and ripe. How much?
Five thousand a ball.
Five thousand?
Well, here’s my counteroffer.
[gun clicks]
- [rapid gunshots] - [Crawford panting]
[Crawford screams]
I'm ready for my ball implant.
Doc, how'd it go?
You passed out before you could tell me,
but luckily, I found the note you wrote me. See?
"Put all the balls in my sack."
So I did.
Oh, my God.
You’re the greatest doctor ever!
[rap music plays]
♪ Big ball energy ♪
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
♪ Big like a Humvee ♪
♪ Thick like an oak tree ♪ [retching]
♪ Wide like the Red Sea ♪
♪ Fat like Chris Christie ♪ [gasps]
♪ Hairy like a goatee ♪
- ♪ I got that big ball energy ♪ - [dog barks]
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
What the hell is this?
Look, I'm sorry about this, okay? But it's...
A threesome?
Ooh, I’m always up for some DP!
One in the tongue hole, one in the bunghole.
Get it?
One in the cooter, one in the pooter.
Get it?
One in the yapper, one in the crapper.
Get it?
One in the teefer, one in the queefer.
You get it?
One in the kitten hole, one in the shittin' hole.
You get it?
Oh.
Okay.
I'll be tying you up now.
You’re about to experience a new level of pain.
Well, y’all in for a treat,
because the more it hurt, the more I squirt!
Oh, God. [gags]
[door creaks]
Randall, is that you?
Mm-hmm. And have I got a surprise for you, baby.
Something that'll fix everything.
[screams]
[muffled gasping]
Uh, Karen, are those happy sounds?
I can't hear you through the balls.
- [gasping slows] - Karen?
- Karen! - [sirens wail]
I mean, you liked it a little bit, right?
Karen, are you okay? What did he do to you?
Do to her? I did it for her!
Well, I’m sure she would thank you if she could move her face.
I'm sick of your shit, Clappers.
It's time to settle this once and for all.
I challenge you to a Ball-Off!
Oh, my God!
They're having a Ball-Off!
- [shouting] Ball-Off! - [patients chatter excitedly]
[machine beeps]
Ball-Off!
[patient squeals]
[machine flatlines]
I heard the man behind Houndstooth meth could be found here.
Yeah, I never thought we’d get back into the meth game
after what happened to Delbert’s arm,
but, hey, our new boss is cool and fun, man.
Well? Where is he?
Right there.
Hello, Officer Fitzgerald,
or should I say "the Kingpin?"
How do you know that, Cop Bot?
I didn't, you just told me.
That’s the kind of smart police trickery you can find on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
I admire the work you've done with argyle meth,
even though my Houndstooth is a far superior product.
So I've heard.
I came here to kill you, but robots delight and amuse me,
so I'm going to give you a one-time offer.
Share your Houndstooth recipe with me
and we can be partners.
Together, we'll be fucking unstoppable.
"Fucking Unstoppable." Is that the name of your sex tape?
Ha-ha. Classic Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Okay, we’ll be partners.
Printing recipe now.
[printer whirs]
On second thought, I've never been much for partners.
[metal clangs]
Wow, that was the quickest betrayal
since this happened on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
[video crackles]
Me and this spider are partners for life.
He's gone.
It's on my head!
[screams]
Wasn't that hilarious? Anyway, you must die.
I can't believe my first time in a police car
and I got my fat ass stuck in it.
[grunts] How embarrassing.
You know what? Let's change my order
to 71 Big Macs and a Diet Coke,
but can you put frozen McNuggets in there instead of ice?
I know what y'all thinking.
Next time, I will use the drive-thru.
- [radio crackles] - [Fitz] Dusty! Help!
Fitz is in trouble! I've got to... [grunting]
Ow! Crap! I'm stuck!
I’m stuck inside of a car that’s stuck inside of a McDonald’s!
[Fitz gasping]
I guess this town is only big enough for one dirty cop.
Uh...
Dusty, are you wearing a McDonald's?
It appears so, yes.
Can I get two large Kevin McSucks shakes?
Damn! Y’all some freaks.
This is some Lamar Odom-level shit right here.
Ooh, yeah, baby.
Flick that hippocampus.
Jump in, Bullet! Run a train on this brain!
[Mr. Meowgi gulps and murmurs]
Good news, Bullet,
I think he just ate my gag reflex.
[retching] I... I still got mine.
You should get used to watching me feast on felines
because you will bring me cats to feed on...
forever!
[laughs] I don't think so.
I've got some advice for you.
Do not resist me.
It will only bring you pain!
I've got some advice for you, too, buddy.
If you’re going to eat a cat swirling with that many STDs,
some of which I put there myself, you should probably cook it first.
I have power beyond your belief.
Nothing can harm me...
[retches]
God damn!
This is the best threesome ever!
[man] Ladies and lords,
welcome to the Ball-Off!
Gentlemen,
standard Cornish rules apply.
Pace thrice, face your adversary,
and let the Ball-Off commence!
[Crawford grunts]
- [Clappers groans] - [crowd] Ooh!
[light applause]
Ha!
Didn't feel a thi...
[dog yaps]
- Winner by sack evacuation. - [muted applause]
Still undefeated champion of the world.
Where is everybody?
Sweet!
Make-A-Wish got my letter!
Okay, Kevin, through a series of unexpected events,
you're directly in front of the monkey habitat,
but you've still got the advantage,
because all you have to do is not masturbate.
Officer! Officer, help!
Someone stole my clothes!
I don't want to get sunburned,
so hold this lotion while I lather myself in front of you.
No!
I’m not going to masturbate in front of these monkeys!
- [baby cries] - [woman screams]
Hey, you're a cop!
Do something to distract the monkeys or they’ll kill the baby!
Monkeys! [panting nervously]
Not that! They’ve seen that before!
Do something crazy!
[yelling]
[gibberish sounds]
- [panicked] No! - [keys jangle]
That won't distract them!
Please! There’s no time!
Do something they’ve never seen before!
[monkeys chatter excitedly]
[sighs]
[zipper loosens, slapping sounds]
[Kevin moans sadly]
[Kevin sobs]
In other news, Officer Kevin Crawford masturbated in front of a baby.
Monkeys! I masturbated in front of monkeys!
At least Gina’s not here to see this.
Hmm, I wouldn’t be so sure of that.
She took another vacation day.
[Gina laughs] Kevin's a perv!
Just kidding, Kevin.
I actually think that was very brave of you.
“Kevin Crawford will suck off the fourth pre-cog”?
I thought they were only three pre-cogs.
You can’t fight fate. Get to sucking, hot lips.
Hey, Karen, I’ll understand if you want to be with Clappers.
After all, I did lose the Ball-Off.
Randall, I’m sorry I lied to you about my ball fetish.
Sure, I may have been attracted to Clappers’ thigh slappers,
but I already have the love of my life.
And now I'm even more sure you're the perfect man for me.
Really? How?
Because, after having my head crushed and witnessing your ball-valanche,
I never want to see balls again. Ever.
I love you, Randall.
I love you too, Sloth from Goonies...
I mean, "Karen." Good save, Chief.
Good morning, my sweet little feline angels!
Diddy’s home from prison!
Who gonna lick me clean?
[rats squeak]
You painted a bunch of sewer rats to look like my cats?
Bullet, you really think I'm this stupid?
I was betting on it, yeah.
Look, Dusty,
I forgot to feed your cats and they're all dead.
I'll understand if you hate me.
I should hate you, but I can’t,
'cause it’s Kevin Sucks Day,
and today's a day for only hating Kevin.
All else is forgiven.
[to the tune of "America the Beautiful"] ♪ Oh Kevin sucks ♪
♪ He is a schmuck ♪
♪ He’s a twat suckin’ piece of shit ♪
♪ And Paradise was actually nice ♪
♪ But Kevin screwed that up ♪
♪ Oh Kevin sucks ♪
♪ God damn that weak-chinned twit ♪
♪ And every year we’ll sing and cheer ♪
♪ 'Cause Kevin eats a dick! ♪
I hate this town.
♪ Big ball energy ♪
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
♪ Big like a Humvee Thick like an oak tree ♪
♪ Wide like the Red Sea Fat like Chris Christie ♪
♪ Hairy like a goatee ♪
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
♪ Big ball energy ♪
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪