[dramatic music plays]
So, we're just not gonna talk about how you made a margarita outta my jizz?
[Dusty] Hey, fellas, we just got a 911 call about a gun situation.
[siren blaring]
[panting] Paradise PD! We got a call about a gun problem?
Goddamn right, there's a problem.
Everybody at this party has a gun, except my nephew.
How the hell's he supposed to shoot the piñata?
Hey, don't give him that. That's dangerous!
Oh, relax, Kevin. It's just a piñata.
[clown horn honks]
-[theme music playing] -[Crawford grunts]
-[gunshots] -[criminal shouts]
[Fitz grunts]
[Gina shouts]
-[shouts, groans] -[growls]
[clown horn honks]
Good morning, Mr. Bullet. And what are you doing?
You know, weird stuff with these German businessmen for drug money.
Oh, hey, Hans.
Bullet, I was hoping you'd put on one of these cute costumes
so I could film you for my YouTube channel.
I know animals get tons of views, so I was gonna put 'em on my cats,
but, funny story,
you fucking killed them all and ruined my goddamn life!
I'm not gonna put on a stupid outfit and be in some degrading video, all right?
That's the saddest thing you can see an animal do.
[German folk music playing]
Ja! Smack me where I scheisse.
Please, Bullet.
I really wanna be an influencer, but I only got one subscriber
and it's some random bot named Dusty's Mama
who keeps writing, "Fuck you. Die, you fat fuck fuck!"
Well, have you considered taking the feedback?
No, not at all 'cause my videos are really good. See?
Hey, guys!
This week I'm doing a reaction video.
Now, I just ate a bucket of shcrumps,
which I am deathly allergic to, so I can have a reaction--
[groans, chokes]
My throat's closing up.
Don't forget to like and subscribe--
[retching]
Finally something on YouTube worse than Cobra Kai, huh? Right? Yeah.
Hopson, I've got a problem.
Uh, me too. I keep flushing my balls down the toilet.
Yeah…
Let's talk about my problem. I've really grown to love my wife,
but I'm afraid she's gonna leave me because I'm having trouble
pleasing her sexually.
We even tried role-playing.
We did the whole dolphin/Japanese fisherman scenario.
Why am I the dolphin again?
You ever try oceanic sex toys?
I've got a dolphin vibrator called the cloaca quaker.
Yeah, we tried that already.
[Fitz screaming]
Huh, it ain't bad.
She did mention trying a threesome, but I'm not gonna find someone
who'd have a threesome with a dolphin.
Are you kidding? I know a great gal I could send your way.
Yeah…
I don't think I wanna be with anyone your dirty ass has been with.
Oh no, I'd never go with her.
She's not my type at all.
She's young, sexy, flexible,
and ain't got no ten-inch Latino penis.
Really? Thanks, Hopson! How can I ever repay you?
Well, you could help me plunge my nuts outta the toilet.
[grunts]
Ow! Shit! Hopson, what did I tell you about leaving your balls laying around?
Dad, I told Mom all about the piñata shooting.
Sounds like the town has a gun problem.
Oh, come on, Karen. This town doesn't have a gun problem.
Look at me, y'all! I'm a hurtful southern stereotype!
[crazy scream]
Okay. So we got a lot of guns.
But the more guns there are, the safer the people are.
Randall, you're just defending guns because you're a member of the NRA.
You're goddamn right. Card-carrying member.
Ow!
The card is a functioning gun?
Oh, quit your bitching.
If this hadn't gone off in my wallet and shot a hole in the condom,
you wouldn't even be here.
Dad, there's no good reason why we can't have sensible gun control.
Oh, give it a rest, Kevin.
I'm sick of you liberals acting like guns are the only dangerous thing in society.
Mayonnaise kills people. Should we take all the mayonnaise away?
From Dusty? Yes.
Guys! I got my head stuck in the mayonnaise jar again!
Look, I'm not the only one saying this.
You should listen to other gun control advocates,
like Michael Moore.
Yeah, that guy needs to focus less on gun control and more on portion control.
[laughs] Stupid, fat sumbitch.
I agree with Kevin.
These gun incidents happen all the time, and we never do anything about it.
Never do anything?
I'll have you know that after the piñata fatalities,
I tweeted, "Thoughts and prayers." Jesus reads those, you know.
Thoughts and prayers?
What more could a grieving family possibly want?
Mom, you're the mayor. You gotta do something.
Oh no. This town just had a tragedy.
That's the worst possible time to prevent tragedies.
Look, before we become communist Canada,
let me teach you two the importance of guns
by taking you on a tour of the NRA!
Fine, I'll go. But only if you watch this Michael Moore video.
This bucket of shcrumps are guns, and I'm America.
[retching]
Uh-oh.
[farts]
Oh, I get it. He did what I did and made it "smart."
[humming]
Oh, let's see. What confiscated drugs am I gonna get high on tonight. huh?
Marijuana? Huh. What am I, 11?
Heroin? Yeah, what am I, 12? Get out of here.
Ooh, hey, this is new.
Blowquila?
Cocaine-infused tequila.
Holy shit! Look at the tequila worm.
Huh! Now he's doing backflips.
[worm coos]
Wait, now he's got a business plan for a new app.
[worm laughs]
Well, I'm sold.
Whoa!
This is… Ahh…
This… [grunts]
This is the best high I've ever had.
[chuckles] Oh, Bullet! You… Well, you little cute little bastard.
♪ I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ Yes, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ I'm a froofy loopy doopy scoopy Poopy noopy Bunny Dog ♪
♪ I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ I'm a froofy loopy doopy scoopy… ♪
Oh God. Oh, this must be what the guys in The Hangover felt like
after they saw the second movie.
-What the fuck? -Isn't it great?
I just uploaded the security cam footage to YouTube.
It's already got a million views!
Oh, you are an asshole, Dusty!
Oh, I haven't felt this violated since I watched Cobra Kai.
Yeah, got 'em twice. Anyway, fuck off!
[grunts]
Oh, finally! Somebody's gonna help me!
Ooh! No, no, no! Don't flush my balls!
[screams]
Welcome to the NRA.
Now we can have an intelligent conversation
and stop acting like children-- Oh my God! It's Bumpy the Bump Stock!
Chief! They have a gun pit!
Whoo-hoo!
Ha, ha! Yay!
[laughing]
Holy shit.
It's Charlton Heston's corpse!
"Pry this gun from my cold, dead hands and win a Republican Senate seat!"
Wow!
[grunting]
Jesus. This dead fucker's got a grip.
Well, you must be Kevin and Karen.
I'm head of the NRA. Chip Fuck-Yeah.
Randall here told me you're thinking about enacting some restrictive gun laws.
But I wanna show you why guns aren't the problem. They're the solution.
Just check out this reenactment video
that imagines a world where Jesus had guns.
Any last words, Jesus?
Yeah.
Messiah-nara, bitches.
[Jesus shouts]
[hard rock action music plays]
['70s porn music plays]
[Jesus grunts]
Oh my dad! Oh my dad! Oh my dad!
-Convinced yet? -No!
-I could thumb off to it.
Mr. Fuck-You, can we at least agree we should do something to make guns safer?
You know, like smart guns.
I'm glad you said that
because the NRA has actually developed smart guns.
[high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Mr. Bang Bang!
Ahh! What the hell?
Smart guns decide when to shoot on their own,
so now blind people, babies, hell, even animals can own guns,
as long as they're all white.
Bang-bang!
The NRA is hoping to replace every gun with a smart gun
and make ownership mandatory.
What do you say, Mayor?
You wanna make Paradise great for the first time?
There's no way I'd agree to flood my town with guns that shoot on their own.
That's insane!
Oh, look at this, a briefcase full of Russian money.
And fuck what I just said. [chuckles]
What? Mom! No!
[Jesus moaning] Oh yeah. Oh yeah!
Shh. Have some respect. Jesus is comin'.
[inhales, exhales in relief]
I feel safer already. How about you guys?
[cheer, laugh]
Come on, everyone. It's time to give guns to people who deserve 'em.
Like, oh, I don't know… Two, three, four…
♪ Guns for all the gangs downtown ♪
♪ One for the schizo homeless clown ♪
♪ Here's a gun for you, Chris Brown! ♪
♪ Everyone gets a gun! ♪
♪ This man who's lost both his eyes ♪
♪ Satan in a bad disguise ♪
♪ You're in jail? Well, that's just fine! ♪
♪ Everyone gets a gun! ♪
♪ In the 18th century Some white men had a dream ♪
♪ That one day even children Could own violent death machines ♪
♪ Now guns will stop all heinous crimes Like stealing candy from a baby ♪
♪ Even this dog owns a gun ♪
♪ But so does mailman Grady ♪
♪ So guns for me and guns for you ♪
♪ Militias, cults, and fetuses too ♪
♪ 'Cause everyone, everyone Everyone, everyone ♪
♪ Everyone gets a gun! ♪
[screams]
You little fucker!
Mr. Bang Bang, I told you to stop following me around.
We're not friends!
But I'm your gun, Kevie.
My job is to protect you.
I saved your life today when I bang-banged that masked bandit.
That was the Hamburglar,
and he was signing copies of his erotic novel!
Isn't this awesome?
Everyone has a great new smart gun that matches their personality.
They sure do.
My gun and I have a lot in common.
Yep, we both unloaded into Abe Lincoln.
Look! My gun has guns!
I'm packing heat, you pickle dicks!
I don't feel like my gun matches my personality.
Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.
You better stop eating all them bullets. You gon' get dia-BBs.
And I got the best gun of all,
Jean-Claude Van Blam.
He's got a cool ponytail and '80s action phrases!
Hey, Jean-Claude, tell Kevin what you said when you shot that golfer.
Looks like you got…
a hole in one.
[laughs] Isn't he great? Fuck putt-putt.
Dad, these smart guns have made Paradise even worse.
The hospital's completely full of gunshot victims!
You're overreacting, Kevin.
These guns are keeping us safe.
And they were programmed by the NRA
to engage anything they deem to be a threat.
Well, good morning, everybo--
Uh, yeah. Fuck this shit.
Come on, Blowquila. Daddy needs a fix.
Oh, where did I hide you?
Bullet, my fans are clamoring for a new Bunny Dog video.
And this one's gonna have a high production value.
You know, I just hired the casting director
that discovered Lena Dunham
and pulled her out of that swamp she was living in.
There is absolutely nothing… Oh, that was a cheap shot even for us.
…that'll make me do another one of those humiliating videos.
Oh no? Ain't that a shame, 'cause lookee what I found.
♪ Oh, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ Yes, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ I'm a froofy loopy doopy poopy Scoopy Bunny Dog ♪
♪ Oh, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
♪ I'm a froofy loopy doopy poopy Bunny Dog ♪
♪ Oh yeah Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪
♪ Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪
♪ Boing ding ba booby bunny Bunny hop ♪
♪ Boing ding ba booby bunny Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪
♪ Boing ding ba booby bunny Bunny hop ♪
[Kevin urinating]
Think you could point that somewhere else?
Just keeping you safe.
[sneezes, shoots]
[knocking at door]
Hi, good afternoon to you, sir. We're the Jehovah's Witnesses.
We were wondering if you have a minute to talk about the Lord?
Uh, I'm Jewish this season, thanks.
[in mafia voice] Oh, maybe you didn't hear my friends.
They asked if you had a minute for the Lord.
I… d-don't?
Then you can fucking meet him!
[panting]
Kevin, that gun bang-banged you for no good reason!
But that's impossible
because the NRA says a gun always makes things better.
The NRA is full of shit.
What?
You only know what the NRA programmed you to believe.
There's a lot about guns you don't know.
It's time you got woke, Mr. Bang Bang.
[dramatic music playing]
If you think that was shocking, you should watch this Michael Moore video.
We need to get rid of guns and make mayonnaise jars bigger.
Also, I'm regretting eating all those shcrumps.
[retching]
Wow, 10,000 subscribers!
And look at all these great comments I'm getting.
"This was easy to masturbate to, you fat fuck fuck."
See? Even Mama likes it.
Okay, I did your stupid video. Now get me out of this thing.
-I'm done. -Okay.
Let me just reach behind your back here and rip the zipper thang off!
-Ha! Now you stuck in there forever. -What?
Three years ago, I accidentally ripped that zipper thang off my pants
and never got 'em off.
You son of a-- Wait, you've worn the same pants for three years?
No, Bullet, that'd be gross.
Eventually, my body absorbed them.
You know, like how a tree grows around a fence post.
That's not-- No, that's not possible.
Yeah-huh. The doctor calls it hungry skin.
To be safe, I don't wear pants no more at all.
I just paint my bottom half blue.
Hold on.
You paint your pants on?
Well, sure. You thought my pants came with an asshole?
Now let's go make another video.
I wanna get this done by four o'clock--
[crunching]
Damn you, hungry skin!
Hey, Jean-Claude Van Blam,
I wrote some puns last night I thought you could use.
"It's been… gun."
[chuckles] Like, "It's been fun"?
-Sucks. -Yeah, I know, right?
That was a fake pitch. No worries. Got plenty more in here.
Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit.
[guns cheer]
And that's why it's time to live up to our name
and be smart guns.
If people won't have gun control, we'll control ourselves.
[straining, grunts]
[straining, grunt]
Wait. You guys all figured out sensible gun control? Just like that?
Yeah.
We have the brainpower of a Tickle Me Elmo
and figured it out in five minutes.
And next, we're going on a nationwide tour to spread our gun control message.
Thank you for finally making me pro-gun.
-Friends? -Friends.
[whimpers]
Sorry. I had one in the chamber. [laughs]
Oh! That cum-eating prick.
Jean-Claude Van Blam,
stop those smart guns before they spread their libtard message!
No can do, Chief. I'm with Mr. Bang Bang.
It's time we give gun control…
another shot.
[straining, grunts]
Hey, asshole!
You can't shit in my hand unless you're my friend!
Baby, our threesome date will be here any minute. [chuckles]
You're gonna love her.
[squeaking]
What's she like?
Hopson said he met her on a cruise
and that she's a leggy squirter who likes it deep.
And apparently pretty wild.
I hear she's got a lot of ink.
[knocking at door]
Why'd she knock eight times?
[romantic music playing]
[sexy clicking]
Well, like Jacques Cousteau once said,
I'm about to fuck an octopus.
[muffled] I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
Get it off! Get it off!
[grunts, screams]
Oh, oh, ooh!
Well, that don't feel so bad.
[chuckling]
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Oh!
[kissing]
Wh-- wh-- where you going? You can't fit in there.
You can't fit in there!
[screams] Oh, she fit in there!
We cannot allow these smart guns to go on tour
with that logical and easily digestible message.
We have to do something fast
before those guns infringe on our gun rights.
Yes, Gary?
Wait, so we're anti-gun or pro-gun?
It's not hard, Gary. We're anti-anti-gun-gun.
Gary, put your goddamn hand down, please.
How about a waiting period before these guns can shoot their mouths off?
Thirty days or so for 'em to calm down.
What about the AR-15s?
They talk faster than normal guns and convince, like, 100 people a minute.
We should ban those outright!
Guys, let's not forget our position here. The Second Amendment says--
Gina, we're dealing with a type of gun
the Founding Fathers could never have anticipated.
The Second Amendment isn't relevant to modern day.
-Um-- -Shut the fuck up, Gary!
All right now, I think there's only one solution.
We have to take all the guns away before the guns get our guns taken away.
Yeah, let's go in there and get my cum-eating son.
It's okay. It was my cum. Nothing weird.
Really, Gary? No questions?
I can't believe the NRA is coming to take my guns.
Don't worry, guys. I'll get you to the airport to start your tour.
-Kevin! Pull over and give us the guns! -No!
Shoot Mr. Bang Bang. He's the leader.
We can't. All our guns are in the car with him.
-We still have one gun. -Well, bring it out.
[suspenseful music playing]
[all scream]
From his cold, dead…
[horn blaring]
Seriously, the grip on this guy.
[squeaking]
I'm glad you're happy, but my dick will never talk to me again.
[knock at door]
Hi, I'm Hopson's flexible, leggy, squirter friend.
-I'm here for the threesome. -Wait, you're Hopson's friend?
Where the fuck this octopus come from?
Hey, I'm Jim from the aquarium.
We're looking for an escaped octopus. Oh, there you are.
[clicking]
Wait a minute. Why's it got a post-coital glow?
Hey, Jay! This maniac fucked the octopus!
Hey, Miss Dolphin, all due respect, your husband's a fucking weirdo.
Sorry, Dusty. Bunny Dog ends now.
Wow, I gotta say, he's quite the artist.
I won't be a slave to you anymore, Blowquila.
I'm gonna drink this whole thing, even if it kills me.
I mean, I could pour it out, but then, come on.
[grunts, chatters]
[dramatic music plays]
[gasps]
Oh!
Oh God.
Holy shit, I did it!
Dusty doesn't have power over me anymore.
Ah, ah, ah, ahhh.
Don't forget about your lil' friend,
the Blowquila-soaked worm.
I'm gonna get one more video out of you.
And this time, Bunny Dog has a new friend…
Bunny Pig.
Fresh off her HBO show Gir--
Stop it, Dusty. I don't wanna hear another Lena Dunham cheap shot.
How dare you. Lena Dunham is brave and beautiful.
Is that enough? All right. Let's shoot this shit.
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Ow! Shit!
Ow!
[worm sighs]
Thank you, Blowquila worm. You're the best friend I ever had.
[touching music playing]
-[gulps] -[worm shrieks]
Goddamn it, I am such an addict.
[dramatic music]
Shoes in the bins.
Cell phones in the bins.
No water bottles past this point.
[alarm beeping]
[detector beeping]
Are you wearing a belt?
It's over, Kevin.
Nobody's ever fought the NRA and won. These guns are not getting on that plane.
Dad, all we want are sensible gun laws.
And you still haven't given me one good reason why we can't have it.
You want a good reason? Fine. Here's a good reason.
I need guns to get an erection.
Please go on.
Ever since I lost my testicles,
the only way I can get hard is by holding or firing a gun.
And he's not alone.
No one in the NRA has testicles.
[screaming]
Well, the NRA actually started as a support group,
the Nards Removed Association.
But we learned that shooting or even holding a gun
acts as a testosterone replacement.
Chip's right.
I mean, I can get a little hard without guns, but it's never 100%.
I mean, the outside gets hard, but it's soft in the middle.
It's like a can of crescent rolls.
That's why the NRA is so important, son,
to comfort a bunch of scared white men with limp dicks.
Dad, we're not trying to take your guns or your boners.
We just want some common-sense regulations,
like maybe not giving assault weapons to crazy people.
Wait, so are you saying you don't want to take my guns away
like the NRA says you do?
You know, maybe we can make small tweaks,
like stricter background checks or not giving guns to the mentally ill.
Fuck that!
I got a sloshy bag of goulash for a dick.
I'm not letting anyone get in the way of my purple-headed custard chucker.
Die, guns!
[guns grunting, screaming]
Mr. Bang Bang!
I'm sorry we… [coughing]
[gasps]
…won't get to change the world together, Kevin.
Goodbye.
[gasps]
Bang… bang.
No one should outlive his gun. [sniffs]
They're supposed to bury us.
Hey, Chief. It's been…
gun.
Hey, he did one of mine.
He did one of mine!
There was a mass shooting at the airport today.
Seventy-six guns were shot, by which I mean killed,
and gun owners across the country are up in arms.
Now, it's one thing to see loved ones get shot, or kids.
As a nation, we're used to that.
But gun-on-gun violence?
What's next? Man-on-woman porn?
What, they have that?
This horrible event has finally led to massive gun legislation being passed,
which will take America from an enormous 400 million guns
to a barely noticeable 390 million guns,
in what is being called the Anti-Anti-Anti-Gun-Gun-Gun Bill.
Here to explain it, is NRA spokesperson Gary.
Hi. Hi… are you?
Put your goddamn hand down, Gary.
Be strong, America,
and take solace in knowing those guns are in a better place now.
Hmm. Randall Crawford's "thoughts and prayers" tweet
only got three likes.
Takes at least ten for me to prevent the next tragedy.
Oh well. Fuck it.
♪ Guns for all the gangs downtown ♪
♪ One for the schizo homeless clown ♪
♪ Here's a gun for you, Chris Brown! ♪
♪ Everyone gets a gun! ♪
♪ This man who's lost both his eyes ♪
♪ Satan in a bad disguise ♪
♪ You're in jail? Well, that's just fine! ♪
♪ Everyone gets a gun! ♪
♪ In the 18th century Some white men had a dream ♪
♪ That one day even children Could own violent death machines ♪
♪ Now guns will stop all heinous crimes Like stealing candy from a baby ♪
♪ Even this dog owns a gun ♪
♪ But so does mailman Grady ♪
♪ So guns for me and guns for you ♪
♪ Militias, cults, and fetuses too ♪
♪ 'Cause everyone, everyone Everyone, everyone ♪
♪ Everyone gets a gun! ♪