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I'm Kurt Connors.
2
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Mayor Crawford's
Rebuild Paradise Initiative
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was already a total failure,
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and now the crumbling town
has been invaded by packs of coyotes.
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One of them coyotes dragged my wife off,
killed her, ate her,
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put on her dress, and impersonated her.
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Well, did you alert the authorities?
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Hell, no. It was the best sex I ever had.
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Mm-hmm.
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Dragging off and impersonating humans.
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This coyote problem
is worse than we thought, Kurt.
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Actually, I think it's fake news.
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This is Kurt Coyote signing off.
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I can't believe that.
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Huh, if you followed Earl on TikTok,
you could.
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[bodies slapping]
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Ooh, Karen, they flipped the switch!
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Damn it, Randall, focus!
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I've got to figure out how to raise
a shit-ton of money to fix this town!
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[sighs] Hey, guys.
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Oh! Uh! Just remembered,
stupid workplace regulations.
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I'm required by law to declare
that I'm dating a co-worker.
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[lips pop]
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It's Gina! I'm... I'm dating Gina!
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I know. I know, right? [giggles]
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Kevin! Kevin!
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Okay, if those are the regulations...
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Listen up, everybody!
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Last night I blew a guy who works here.
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Me!
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These soft bones sure come in handy.
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Well, one of 'em wasn't soft.
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And it didn't come in handy.
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It came in mouthy.
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Congratulations, Hopson!
You finally blew yourself.
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[cheering]
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See? I told you!
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Wait, why isn't anyone congratulating me?
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I'm telling the truth.
Gina and I have a date this afternoon.
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Bullshit!
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Karen, if you want to raise money,
open a casino!
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I mean, or we could put on a play of uh...
Nah, that'll be a real stupid episode.
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Open a casino!
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A casino?
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What a great idea!
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May I remind you two that gambling
happens to be illegal in Paradise?
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But I know a place
where there are no laws.
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I need to build a casino on Twatemala,
and I am willing to share the profits.
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We need the money, Robby.
I'm tired of living off alligator milk.
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Uh, Delbert, William's a boy alligator.
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He's a man now.
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So what do you say? 5% of the profits?
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We ain't paying you 5%.
We're doing this shit for free.
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You dumb fucks... I mean, aw, shucks!
You drive a hard bargain.
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- Let's do it before the coyotes take over.
- That work for you, Delbert?
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Uh, Karen, did you notice...
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Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah.
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[howls]
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That's what I was saying.
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- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]
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[Fitz grunts]
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[Gina shouts]
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- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]
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[romantic music playing]
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[gun firing]
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[crowd cheering]
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I made something for you.
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You know, the truth is,
I've never actually dated a guy before.
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Me neither. I mean, just a little
mutual masturbation at soccer camp,
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but Coach Russo's in jail now.
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Anyway, maybe you and I
could take it to the next level?
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You know, like holding hands?
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Oh! Uh! [clears throat]
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I gotta go.
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She seems to like me so much.
Why can't we get physical?
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God, this is the worst pain
any guy's ever been in.
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I truly do feel bad for you.
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Now, I'm just gonna roll up my penis.
I'll be on my way.
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[big band music playing]
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Welcome to the Twat Nugget Casino,
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home of the world's biggest twat nugget,
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Johnny Depp.
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I needed the work.
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- [fanfare plays]
- [cheering]
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Okay, so everyone's got an assignment.
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Cigars!
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Cigarettes!
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Cock!
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Why, I haven't had a cigar in quite...
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Oh my God! No!
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What the fuck, Dusty?
You ate all the food at the buffet?
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What? But I mean...
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It wasn't me!
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Ooh! It must've been the Buffet Bandit!
Don't worry.
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- I'll protect the chocolate fountain.
- Dusty, you...
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The Buffet Bandit strikes again!
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What's wrong, Gina? I haven't seen
a white woman frown like that
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since every time I get on an elevator.
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I really hate living in the South.
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[sighs] Oh, Fitz,
I... I think I'm falling for Kevin.
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But I'm only physically attracted
to sexy fat guys
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because of this bullet lodged in my brain.
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Well, I never thought
I'd be attracted to a dolphin,
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but she turned out to be
the love of my life.
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Next thing I know,
an octopus went up my ass.
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I really hate living in the South.
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So, what you're saying
is I should just go for it
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and listen to my heart and not my brain?
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Yeah. You think Woody Allen
would've banged a girl
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he met when she was nine years old
if he listened to his brain?
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Right! And they lived happily ever after
as wife and dad-husband.
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Somebody say "dad-husband"?
Whoo! I really love living in the South!
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Scram!
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Fitz, we need to talk.
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Remember that zany prop comic
who showed up named Beans Stinkwater,
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and how you two were never seen together?
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I mean...
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Well, Karen put me
in charge of the showroom,
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and guess who I booked
as tonight's headliner?
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Beans Stinkwater!
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Oh, Beans is the best.
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The way he throws confetti and sings,
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♪ Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight? ♪
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[laughs] He's like a white Justin Bieber.
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♪ Yoo-da-doop-bap-bodda-dee-dee-ba-doop
Doo-doop-ba-doop-be-dee-doop-ba-dup ♪
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Karen, how the hell
did Chief book Beans Stinkwater?
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Probably on my website,
Book-Beans-Stinkwater-He's-Not-Fitz.com.
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Looks like he bought some merch too.
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♪ Doo-doo-ba-doop-be-dee-doop-ba-dup ♪
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Look, Karen. I can't go on stage.
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There are motherfucking mutants
who wanna kill me!
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Too bad. The show is sold out.
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You're on at 7:45, and then Carlos Mencia
will come on and do your act verbatim.
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Oh, this is bullshit!
I lost ten hands in a row. I am done...
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right after I win these next ten hands!
Ha ha...
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- [siren blaring]
- What? [spluttering]
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Tsk, tsk, Bullet.
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Gambling is sinful.
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My daddy was a gambler
who hit rock bottom,
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bare-backed a gutter trash ho-bag,
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and spent the rest of his days
bitching about some fat turd baby
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who ruined his life, named...
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I don't know, Rusty or Dusto or something.
I'm taking your chips away from you.
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You touch those chips,
and I will kick your ass.
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Oh yeah? Well, then hit me.
Come on. Hit me.
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Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
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Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
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00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:05,258
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
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Hit me.
150
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:09,554
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
151
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Twenty-one! Winner.
152
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Holy shit!
153
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Dusty is the luckiest man on earth!
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[man] Stop him!
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It is the Buffet Bandit!
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Holy shit. I thought I made that up.
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[Gina] Kevin, come to room 311.
There is a fire.
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I'm on my way.
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[screams]
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Wh-Where's the fire?
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In my pants.
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Oh my God!
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[grunts]
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Kevin, wait!
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I meant, like,
I'm on fire with desire for you.
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Oh, sorry.
167
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Lost my Aunt Edna in a vagina fire.
Lube is really important as you get older.
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[scoffs] It's okay. It's okay.
I booked this room for the two of us.
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I think I'm finally ready to, you know,
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get physical.
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[gulps]
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[groaning] Let's... fuck...
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[gags]
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Oh, that's it!
I am getting this fucking bullet removed!
175
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I'm afraid the procedure
to remove this bullet
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00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,289
only has a 2% chance of survival.
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00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,250
Ten percent if I'm sober,
but trust me, I won't be.
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Gina, it's too risky.
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Even if this means we can't be together.
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There's gotta be something else we can do?
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00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,426
Well, there are some
more homeopathic options.
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00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:34,263
He could jack off in front of you
while you vomit, Louis CK-style.
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00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,475
Or make love to you while you vomit,
Melania-style.
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00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:41,521
Or you can stick your toes up his ass
while you vomit, Dr. Funtlichter-style.
185
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- Or...
- Fuck that!
186
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,233
We'll find a way to make this work.
Come on, Kevin.
187
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:46,442
Oh, don't worry, ma'am.
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This is a routine procedure
with a 99% chance of survival.
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Now, stick your toes up my ass and vomit.
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[big band music playing]
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[crowd chanting] Beans! Beans! Beans!
192
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Ooh! Look at me, pretending I'm white,
like I'm Justin Bieber or some shit.
193
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,335
Beans Stinkwater!
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00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,171
[in sing-song voice] That's me!
195
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:11,509
Sing the song for me, Beans.
I need this. I need it bad.
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00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:14,136
♪ Oh! Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
197
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,305
♪ Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
198
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:21,310
Yes! Yes! I must be a Buffalo gal,
'cause I'm ready to come out tonight!
199
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,645
Uh... say what?
200
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,773
Anyways, the theater's full
of violent, drunk hillbillies.
201
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:28,317
But as long as you deliver
the 60 laughs a minute
202
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,320
as promised on your website,
you'll be just fine.
203
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,907
Uh, what am I gonna do? I'm not funny.
204
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,200
[spooky moan]
205
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,160
Neither was I.
206
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,620
[chuckles] Oh! Prop Cop?
207
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,497
[chuckles] I thought you were dead!
208
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,915
Oh, but I am.
209
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,459
I met my end. [laughs]
210
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,169
My ticket got punched!
211
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,922
Hoo! I bought the farm!
212
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:53,092
Whoo! I've crossed the Jordan!
213
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,051
Wee-ooh!
214
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,429
[laughing]
215
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:59,890
Oh, I could never be a master
of prop comedy like you.
216
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,267
But you will.
217
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:06,397
Because I am here
to teach you the ways of prop comedy.
218
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,441
Prop comedy surrounds us.
219
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,151
Hoo! It penetrates us.
220
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:12,403
Ooh! It's everywhere.
221
00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:17,116
Look around and think of the stupidest,
hackiest pun that comes to mind.
222
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:18,784
The dumber, the better!
223
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,419
Now, do you think you can do this?
224
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:29,795
Yes!
225
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:33,215
[singing] ♪ I fucking can! ♪
226
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:35,968
Dusty!
227
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:39,013
Hey, I know you don't approve of gambling,
but you're so lucky.
228
00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:41,599
Could... could you just place
one teeny-weeny bet
229
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:44,101
for your ol' scumbag pal
with addiction issues?
230
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:47,605
Abso-fartly not! I told you, it's sinful.
231
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,568
Okay, but that nice robot
dropped a quarter.
232
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,812
Will you give it back to him?
233
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,946
Well, of course, certainly I will.
234
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,698
Here you go, Mr. Robot Man.
235
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,909
[bells ringing]
236
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,538
Well, holy shit.
237
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,750
I gave this sumbitch a quarter,
and he comes all over my shoes?
238
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,460
I'll... I'll do it for a nickel.
239
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:14,131
You're telling me this is a new restaurant
called The Sports Book?
240
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,383
[chuckling] Yeah.
241
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,343
Order anything you want off this menu.
242
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:22,515
Okay, I'm gonna have the Miami Dolphin
with a side of Seattle Seahawk.
243
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,183
[gasps] Ooh, my!
244
00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:28,062
The Pittsburgh Penguin
sounds A-B-C-Delicious!
245
00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,397
Six-point spread?
246
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,815
I don't need that.
247
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:33,067
I brought my own spread.
248
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,152
Just put it all on what he said.
249
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,779
Ooh! I'm excited!
250
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:39,824
The last time I ate like this,
I got banned from the zoo.
251
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,537
Did you find a fat person
to look at while we have sex?
252
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,498
No, I thought it'd be weird to have
another person in the room,
253
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,461
so I grabbed this standee
of a chubster instead.
254
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,086
Uh, oh, great. Heh.
255
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:53,587
What kind of man would I be
256
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,132
if I couldn't have sex
with my mom staring at me?
257
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,967
Great. Get to it then.
258
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,969
Okay, Kevin, you can do this.
259
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,346
[Karen] Welcome to the Twat Nugget Casino!
260
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,265
Get lucky while I watch!
261
00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:05,683
Ahh!
262
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:08,269
- Why is it talking?
- I think it's motion activated.
263
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:09,812
[Karen] Poker! Poker! Poker!
264
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:10,730
Shut up!
265
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,565
Everybody, come in my mouth
266
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:13,733
watering buffet!
267
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:14,650
[grunts]
268
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,903
Come in my mouth...
Come in my mouth... Come in my mouth...
269
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,990
- [man's voice] That's it! That is it!
- Wait. Who said that?
270
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:24,118
I'm Kevin's penis, and I've been through
some really gross stuff,
271
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:25,703
but this is the line!
272
00:12:25,786 --> 00:12:28,873
I'll be retracting into his abdomen
until further notice.
273
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,499
Fuck off!
274
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,711
[humming]
275
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:36,589
All right. Luck be a lardy tonight, huh?
276
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,089
Where's Dusty?
277
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,678
Dusty, what are you doing?
I thought you said gambling was sinful.
278
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,765
It ain't gambling if I never lose, is it?
279
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,267
And I figured out what you was doin'!
280
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:51,228
You was trickin' me into gambling for you!
281
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:55,316
Kindly get your fuzzy fuckin' ass
outta here, because I am winnin' for me.
282
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,026
Round here they call me a whale.
283
00:12:57,109 --> 00:13:00,738
- Round everywhere they call you a whale.
- Oh! All right, that's it!
284
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,698
Hey, you, lard-ass!
285
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,243
I'll give you $5,000 cash
to stick this doggy between your titties
286
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,912
and do the Truffle Shuffle.
287
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,958
[grunts, groans]
288
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:16,921
Oh God, stop!
Oh, it smells like water damage!
289
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,589
Thanks, Russell Crowe!
290
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,175
Arrest that man!
291
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:24,220
Russell Crowe is the Buffet Bandit!
292
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,932
[grunting]
293
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,851
Thanks, Karen. Dusty's a goddamn maniac!
294
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,978
That asshole's up
like a half a million bucks.
295
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:36,023
What? If he cashes out,
the casino will go bankrupt.
296
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:37,525
We've gotta make him lose!
297
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,361
I was hoping you'd break his fingers
or bury him in the desert,
298
00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:42,164
but we could do the lose thing,
that's fine.
299
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,405
[garbled moaning]
300
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,866
Oh no! Russell Crowe's gotten loose!
301
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,952
[garbled moaning continues]
302
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,874
[chanting] Beans! Beans! Beans!
303
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,335
[Randall] Please welcome
the greatest performer
304
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,504
in the history of mankind...
305
00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:01,882
Beans Stinkwater!
306
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:05,970
♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
307
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,739
♪ Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
308
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:11,016
♪ And we'll dance
by the light of the moon! ♪
309
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,102
[cheering, applause]
310
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:16,272
Hey, y'all! Check out my new iPhone!
311
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,985
Oh, you're gonna love my iPad!
312
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,530
Look... [chuckles]
313
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,574
I'm cock-eyed!
314
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,159
We got any Latino people in the audience?
315
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,704
[chuckles] Eye-eye-eye!
316
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:33,497
But I'm no racist.
317
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:37,209
My best friend is a China-man!
318
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:38,752
[roaring laughter]
319
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,553
[dramatic music playing]
320
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:56,020
Chief! A mutant tried to kill me!
321
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:59,356
Did you see him?
He looked like his face was melting off.
322
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,902
Hey, relax, Bean-o.
You've still got the second show to do.
323
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,613
Besides,
the mutants are only trying to kill Fitz,
324
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:06,906
who deserves it, by the way.
325
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,991
Chief, I am Fitz!
326
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,159
Wow!
327
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:15,205
Now that is a really offensive imitation
of my African-American friend Fitz.
328
00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,458
Hey, stick to prop comedy, Beans, huh?
329
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:20,085
Huh. That coyote
does a better Fitz impression.
330
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,546
[playing Dixie music]
331
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:27,676
We joke about coyotes dressing like humans
and taking over society, but it's no joke.
332
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,095
We're coming for you, motherfuckers.
333
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:38,896
[knocking on door]
334
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:40,147
[door opens]
335
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,232
[snoring]
336
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:44,193
Dusty?
337
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:48,113
It's me. I drugged Dusty's food
so I could wear him like a fat suit
338
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,907
while we pork, huh? Huh?
339
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:51,158
Jesus, Kevin!
340
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:54,078
That is so romantic! Take me.
341
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:59,750
Oh, they have that movie
where that twat nugget Johnny Depp
342
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:03,295
was a highly offensive Indian.
I love that.
343
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:12,137
Room 211 is clean. Who gives a goddamn?
344
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,516
[fanfare plays]
345
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:21,021
Are you sure this will make Dusty lose?
346
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:23,774
Trust me.
There is no way this horse can win.
347
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,235
And I gave it a name
that guarantees Dusty'll bet on it.
348
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:30,030
Put everything on Deep Fried
Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode to win!
349
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,240
[squeals] Goop!
350
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,663
Okay, fellas. We ready to lose this race?
351
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,623
Yeah, but next time I wanna be the front.
352
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:42,084
Well, that's fine with me.
I like smelling your ass.
353
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,546
[bugle call sounds]
354
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:47,673
[horse snorts, neighs]
355
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:50,759
[bell rings]
356
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,136
- [horses neigh]
- [grunts]
357
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:57,850
[announcer] And the winner by default is
Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode!
358
00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,309
What the fuck happened?
359
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:03,731
Uh... it might be because we did
a little pregaming in the stable.
360
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,193
- I can smell my heart.
- Yeah, that's normal, man.
361
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,784
Thanks for making me all that money,
Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode.
362
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,162
You are one special horse.
363
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:22,374
Yes, I am. But I gotta know,
how you so damn lucky, Dusty?
364
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,294
Well, Mr. Talking Horsey,
I've got a secret.
365
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:28,338
It's my lucky underwear.
I never take 'em off.
366
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,674
Oh, I get it.
They're lucky 'cause they're green.
367
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,342
They were white when I bought 'em.
368
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,636
Yeah, I'm regrettin'
gettin' in here with you.
369
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,768
Man, I've been in here so long,
my hooves are starting to get prune-y.
370
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:42,394
Ain't that right, Delbert?
371
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:44,980
Oh shit! Delbert!
372
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,151
[snoring]
373
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,657
Okay, it's gonna take both of us
374
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,452
to strip the magic drawers
off this high-rollin' hippo.
375
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,746
I feel like my sponsor predicted this.
376
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,876
[grunting]
377
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,630
- Come on.
- Almost there.
378
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,214
[cell phone rings]
379
00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:12,549
Ahh!
380
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:15,469
Hello? Hey, Gordon!
I was just talking about you.
381
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:17,054
Remember when you said I'd end up
382
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:20,349
stripping the shit-kicked underwear
off a fat guy if I kept gambling?
383
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:23,227
[chuckles] Well, yeah, I'll be damned.
I owe you a hundred bucks!
384
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:25,521
[muffled yelling]
385
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,650
[gasps, panting]
386
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:31,485
You little asshole!
387
00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:33,028
Hey, look! You loosened 'em up!
388
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,863
[gasps] Oh, thank God.
389
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,367
Now, let's burn those evil undies
before they fall into the wrong hands!
390
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:39,576
They already have.
391
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,869
Double-cross!
392
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,373
Sorry, Karen, I gotta steal
these magic undies and win my money back.
393
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,418
Scumbags gonna scumbag! You know, dawg.
394
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,880
Bullet! You six-nippled son of a bitch!
395
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,551
What the hell are you doing?
396
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,595
CPR. I've been giving him
mouth-to-dick for two hours.
397
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:00,722
Don't tell him I ain't dead.
398
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,766
Don't tell him I know he ain't dead.
399
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,768
[big band music playing]
400
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:06,395
[gulps]
401
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,772
Beans, you're supposed to be on stage.
402
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,608
Chief, you saw the last show.
403
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,278
Some melted-face mutant tried to kill me!
404
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:18,532
All I saw was the greatest
comedic performance I've ever seen.
405
00:19:18,615 --> 00:19:20,993
And once,
Carlos Mencia came all over my shoes.
406
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,704
Ra-ha! What? That's my bit!
407
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,832
Now get on that stage!
408
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:28,709
[orchestra warming up]
409
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,838
[sinister music plays]
410
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,381
[screams]
411
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,008
Okay, you got me.
412
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,844
Do your worst, you mutant motherfucker!
413
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:39,928
Mutant?
414
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,347
Carrot Top?
415
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,641
That's right, Beans Stinkwater.
416
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:48,228
It's me,
the greatest prop comic of all time.
417
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:52,399
And I murder anyone
who dares to challenge my throne!
418
00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:55,652
Wh... Uh, but I am not a prop comic!
419
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:58,947
Bullshit! I saw your show.
It was brilliant!
420
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,201
Especially that "eye-eye-eye" bit.
Transcendent.
421
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:04,411
Seriously, very smart comedy.
422
00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:07,497
However, there can only be
one great prop comic,
423
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:08,581
me.
424
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,084
Okay, but what about Gallagher?
425
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,337
You know, the Sledge-O-Matic guy
with a giant hammer
426
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:16,465
that smashes watermelons?
He's a prop comic too.
427
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:17,549
You fool!
428
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,301
I am Gallagher!
429
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:22,221
[laughs evilly]
430
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:24,264
You thought that was a human face?
431
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:28,727
I created the Carrot Top persona
when my ticket sales started to fade
432
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:31,772
once people realized my act sucked,
mid-'90s.
433
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:36,318
Now, I eliminate any threat
to my prop comedy empire,
434
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:40,906
which is why you,
Beans Stinkwater, must die.
435
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:46,119
Fitz, use the force... d comedy.
436
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,666
I think it's you who must
437
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:51,959
die.
438
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:53,418
- Woo-woo-woo-woo!
- Ooh!
439
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:58,006
You dare challenge me to a prop-off?
440
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,514
Well, let's see how you like my head-lock!
441
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:06,765
Whoa!
442
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:10,394
That's nothing compared to my karate chop!
443
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:11,853
Ska-ba-da-bow!
444
00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:15,857
See if you like the taste of my L-bow!
445
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:21,655
Damn it!
446
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:24,241
This is the first time
my act wasn't painful.
447
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,076
Like my half Nelson?
448
00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:27,494
Apartheid!
449
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,746
[grunts]
450
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,623
I'm tired of toying with you.
451
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:34,293
Meet Sledge-O-Matic!
452
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:47,055
Please welcome to the stage
Beans Stinkwater and...
453
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,933
Holy shit! Special guest Gallagher?
454
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:51,768
[cheering]
455
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,692
There can only be one.
456
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:00,777
[gasps] Ah!
457
00:22:01,903 --> 00:22:03,989
I am worthy!
458
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:07,534
No! You wield the Sledge-O-Matic.
459
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:10,537
It is the prop-phecy!
460
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,336
[cheering]
461
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,506
Check out this comedy routine
I just made up.
462
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:27,179
You know, this is the first time
I ever enjoyed the Mind of Mencia.
463
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:30,474
[laughs] Remember that show? Anybody? No?
464
00:22:30,557 --> 00:22:31,557
[man in crowd] Yeah!
465
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,893
One fucking guy. Okay.
466
00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:36,772
Where are you,
you ass-sniffing fuck-hound?
467
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:38,565
I'm right here, baby.
468
00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:40,567
Not you, Camaro Bob!
469
00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:43,320
Copy that. Fuck you later, baby.
470
00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:46,448
Must... make it... to table.
471
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:49,034
[gags, grunts]
472
00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:51,203
There you are, you fuckin' brief thief!
473
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:54,831
Gimme back my lucky drawers
before they kill your little ass!
474
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,586
It's time for me to cash out.
475
00:22:59,669 --> 00:23:00,921
Excuse me, Dusty?
476
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:03,507
High rollers cash out over here.
[chuckles]
477
00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:07,928
Your grand total is 8.3 million in chips,
478
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,721
which means you can cash out
479
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:11,932
for any of these
Chuck E. Cheese-type prizes. Okay?
480
00:23:12,015 --> 00:23:15,185
You must think I'm a stupid-ass fuck
if you...
481
00:23:15,268 --> 00:23:16,269
[gasps]
482
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:19,689
Is that a My Little Pony
scented Pinkie Pie eraser?
483
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:23,443
I want the eraser!
Gimme! Gimme! I wanna smell!
484
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:25,028
Goop! [sniffs]
485
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,655
[gasps] Strawberry!
486
00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:27,906
"Do not eat."
487
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,699
[laughs] Fuck off.
488
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:30,783
[gulps]
489
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:34,955
Kevin, I'm so sorry we couldn't have sex.
490
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:36,832
I really care about you.
491
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:38,959
Hey, we... we tried everything we could.
492
00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:42,838
You know, Gina, maybe you
and I are supposed to just be friends.
493
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:45,632
[somber music playing]
494
00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,973
Gina, are you sure about this?
495
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:56,017
I don't care about the risks.
Take that bullet out.
496
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,103
[dramatic music playing]
497
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:17,372
[gasps] We're losing her!
The procedure's not working!
498
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:19,791
[beeping]
499
00:24:22,377 --> 00:24:24,588
[EKG makes flatline beep]