1
00:00:12,043 --> 00:00:13,209
[sad music playing]
2
00:00:13,293 --> 00:00:15,459
[sobbing]
3
00:00:20,459 --> 00:00:23,168
Son, it's bad enough
to have you living here at home again,
4
00:00:23,251 --> 00:00:26,209
but are you gonna do anything
besides sit on the couch and cry?
5
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:27,959
I'm not just crying, Dad.
6
00:00:28,043 --> 00:00:29,584
I'm also masturbating.
7
00:00:29,668 --> 00:00:32,751
[sobbing]
8
00:00:32,834 --> 00:00:34,751
Sorry, Dad. [sobs]
9
00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:38,793
Since I lost Gina, crying and masturbating
to porn is all I wanna do.
10
00:00:38,876 --> 00:00:42,168
Well, can you at least wait
until your grandma isn't visiting?
11
00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,168
Anyways, don't worry about me, Dad.
I'll get through this.
12
00:00:45,251 --> 00:00:46,459
Your grief, huh?
13
00:00:46,543 --> 00:00:47,626
No. PornHub.
14
00:00:47,709 --> 00:00:50,251
You watched every video on PornHub?
15
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:51,459
Almost.
16
00:00:51,543 --> 00:00:53,626
I even watched
the animated stuff like Tugrats,
17
00:00:53,709 --> 00:00:55,626
Powerbuff Girls, and Darkwing Cuck.
18
00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,418
Those sound a little yucky, son.
19
00:00:57,501 --> 00:01:00,084
You should check out
The Fairly OddParents:
20
00:01:00,168 --> 00:01:01,959
Lust For Big Black Cock.
21
00:01:02,043 --> 00:01:04,626
Here we go. The very last video.
22
00:01:05,918 --> 00:01:07,543
[raunchy music playing]
23
00:01:07,626 --> 00:01:08,709
Gina?
24
00:01:08,793 --> 00:01:10,709
Dad! It's Gina!
25
00:01:10,793 --> 00:01:13,126
Hey, there she is. Look at that.
26
00:01:13,209 --> 00:01:16,043
I always knew
that girl would do big things.
27
00:01:16,126 --> 00:01:18,626
Just didn't realize how big.
And how veiny.
28
00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:21,459
Hey, Mom! Get a load of this hog! [laughs]
29
00:01:21,543 --> 00:01:23,251
That's where she's been!
30
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,293
I'm going to the studio
where they shot this.
31
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:29,084
[groaning]
32
00:01:43,168 --> 00:01:46,501
[theme music plays]
33
00:01:51,751 --> 00:01:54,251
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
34
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:59,918
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
35
00:02:00,001 --> 00:02:02,418
Fuck your baked potato!
36
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:05,959
What the hell?!
The Jiggles are Baby Kevin's favorite!
37
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,543
That music is horseshit!
38
00:02:07,626 --> 00:02:10,251
You obviously know nothing about art.
39
00:02:10,334 --> 00:02:14,084
They wrote the most
life-changing anthem of all time.
40
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:16,668
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus."
41
00:02:16,751 --> 00:02:19,918
Oh, I know
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus."
42
00:02:20,001 --> 00:02:23,584
I fucking lived
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus"!
43
00:02:23,668 --> 00:02:25,626
What the fuck
are you talking about, Randall?
44
00:02:25,709 --> 00:02:28,793
I never told you
about this dark time in my life, Karen,
45
00:02:28,876 --> 00:02:31,668
but I was actually
a founding member of The Jiggles.
46
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:34,251
Those assholes kicked me out
before they hit it big,
47
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:36,793
'cause the songs
I wrote were too damn good.
48
00:02:36,876 --> 00:02:40,209
Stop spewing bullshit, old man.
You weren't a Jiggle.
49
00:02:44,168 --> 00:02:46,459
[disco music plays]
50
00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,626
Well, fuck me in my baby ass.
51
00:02:48,709 --> 00:02:51,543
Daddy, you'd be my hero
if you introduced me to 'em.
52
00:02:51,626 --> 00:02:53,959
Yeah, I could,
but they're probably halfway around the--
53
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:57,043
Actually, they're playing tonight
in Diamond City!
54
00:02:57,126 --> 00:02:59,834
Well, isn't that
very convenient, story-wise.
55
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:03,834
Of course I could introduce you,
little buddy. Those guys love me!
56
00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,293
Why'd they kick you out, then?
57
00:03:05,376 --> 00:03:07,709
I told you. Creative differences.
58
00:03:07,793 --> 00:03:09,668
[audience applauding, cheering]
59
00:03:09,751 --> 00:03:12,959
Bless us with a great show,
Australian Jesus.
60
00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:16,834
Nothing gets me pumped up
for a show like praying to Aussie Jesus.
61
00:03:16,918 --> 00:03:20,293
Well, nothing besides injecting cocaine
right into my penis.
62
00:03:20,376 --> 00:03:21,376
Steve the Squid?
63
00:03:23,168 --> 00:03:24,168
Do the honors.
64
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,876
Whoo! Rock and roll!
65
00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:33,626
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
66
00:03:33,709 --> 00:03:36,709
[distorted] ♪ Baked potato
Baked, baked potato… ♪
67
00:03:36,793 --> 00:03:40,709
[distortion continues]
68
00:03:40,793 --> 00:03:42,126
[screams]
69
00:03:42,209 --> 00:03:44,126
[snarling]
70
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,126
[children scream]
71
00:03:47,209 --> 00:03:49,293
Hail Satan!
72
00:03:54,084 --> 00:03:55,876
-[yips]
-[bleats]
73
00:03:55,959 --> 00:03:56,959
Dobby Dobby.
74
00:03:57,959 --> 00:04:00,084
Okay, Junior. Time to go.
75
00:04:00,168 --> 00:04:03,543
Now, you go and say goodbye to these,
uh, extras from Troma Entertainment
76
00:04:03,626 --> 00:04:05,918
that I guess we're okay
with you hanging out with.
77
00:04:07,209 --> 00:04:08,043
[hisses]
78
00:04:08,126 --> 00:04:09,418
[sizzling]
79
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:10,584
What the hell?!
80
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:14,668
Dobby, we told you, don't be spraying
neurotoxin on your friends, now.
81
00:04:14,751 --> 00:04:15,959
A neurotoxin?
82
00:04:16,043 --> 00:04:17,918
Calm down. He'll be fine.
83
00:04:18,001 --> 00:04:20,793
But if his back
starts bubbling like a wet mogwai,
84
00:04:20,876 --> 00:04:23,959
you're gonna wanna burn his body
and bury him under a church.
85
00:04:24,043 --> 00:04:25,959
-What?!
-Robby's just kidding.
86
00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:28,543
You only have to bury him
next to a church.
87
00:04:28,626 --> 00:04:32,293
That's it. Junior, I don't want you
playing with that Dobby freak anymore.
88
00:04:33,293 --> 00:04:34,918
Or that bulimic freak.
89
00:04:35,001 --> 00:04:39,126
Bullet! How dare you insult
my little angel, Jerry.
90
00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:42,126
Your son's the freak,
because you had sex with a dolphin!
91
00:04:42,209 --> 00:04:43,834
Bro, you had sex with the same dolphin!
92
00:04:43,918 --> 00:04:44,918
That's different.
93
00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:46,376
That dolphin's my mother.
94
00:04:46,459 --> 00:04:47,418
Come on, Junior.
95
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:51,584
I don't wanna see you around these two…
uh, future Gravitron operators ever again.
96
00:04:51,668 --> 00:04:52,501
Yeah, I said it.
97
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:55,001
Fine. That goes double for Jerry.
98
00:04:55,084 --> 00:04:57,043
And another math word for Dobby.
99
00:04:57,126 --> 00:04:59,001
[sad music plays]
100
00:04:59,668 --> 00:05:00,501
[in Dobbinese]
101
00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:02,793
Oh my God! Did you see that subtitle?
102
00:05:02,876 --> 00:05:04,501
Dobby just said the F-word!
103
00:05:04,584 --> 00:05:06,084
He must have learned that fucking shit
104
00:05:06,168 --> 00:05:09,168
from your little fucking fuckity
fucked-up fucker. Fuck you!
105
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:13,543
I have wunderbar news, Mayor.
106
00:05:13,626 --> 00:05:16,251
I landed you meetings with several CEOs
107
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:19,293
about them moving
their headquarters to Paradise.
108
00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:23,793
Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm just so thrilled
you agreed to come meet!
109
00:05:28,668 --> 00:05:32,501
Uh, Paradise would be a great place
for Facebook headquarters and--
110
00:05:32,584 --> 00:05:33,834
Do you like my hair?
111
00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,459
Um… Sure?
112
00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:36,834
Need higher hair.
113
00:05:36,918 --> 00:05:38,751
You need…
114
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:40,251
Higher hair, please.
115
00:05:40,334 --> 00:05:43,501
Are you saying
you want me to cut your hair or…
116
00:05:43,584 --> 00:05:44,918
Need higher hair.
117
00:05:45,626 --> 00:05:48,626
Hello. I need to speak
with to mayor at once.
118
00:05:48,709 --> 00:05:51,918
Ah. I'm sorry.
The mayor is in a very important meeting.
119
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:53,834
How's that?
120
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:55,501
-Higher.
-Really?
121
00:05:55,584 --> 00:05:56,834
Need higher hair.
122
00:05:57,626 --> 00:05:59,834
I told you it's urgent!
123
00:06:01,168 --> 00:06:03,084
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize
124
00:06:03,168 --> 00:06:05,793
you were in the middle
of grooming a dead-eyed shark man.
125
00:06:05,876 --> 00:06:06,876
I'll come back.
126
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:15,209
How did it go?
127
00:06:15,293 --> 00:06:16,793
Well, he's not moving his company here,
128
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,751
but somehow I've agreed
to be his on-call barber.
129
00:06:19,834 --> 00:06:21,126
[cell phone rings, beeps]
130
00:06:21,209 --> 00:06:23,209
[Mark Zuckerberg on phone]
Need higher hair, please.
131
00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:27,793
Okay. This is The Jiggles' hotel.
132
00:06:27,876 --> 00:06:30,001
You wait here
while I go set everything up.
133
00:06:34,084 --> 00:06:36,459
You sure they're even
gonna let you in to see 'em?
134
00:06:36,543 --> 00:06:38,334
Don't worry. I got a plan.
135
00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:44,501
This horny MILF gave me a BJ
so she can meet you guys.
136
00:06:47,084 --> 00:06:50,084
[wolf-whistles] Man! She's fucking ugly.
137
00:06:52,293 --> 00:06:53,334
Who are you?
138
00:06:53,418 --> 00:06:55,209
Who am I? Duh!
139
00:06:55,293 --> 00:06:57,543
I'm your best pal, Green Jiggle?
140
00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,668
You mean the lowlife
we kicked out of the group
141
00:06:59,751 --> 00:07:04,209
because he injected cocaine into his penis
and tried to eat the Purple Jiggle's face?
142
00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:06,209
[shock sting]
143
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,793
Yeah, that's me. And I need a favor.
144
00:07:08,876 --> 00:07:11,459
My kid would love to meet you guys.
145
00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:14,626
Better yet, how about you let me
come onstage with you for one song?
146
00:07:14,709 --> 00:07:16,793
Oh, then I'd really be his hero.
147
00:07:16,876 --> 00:07:18,293
What do you think, gang?
148
00:07:18,376 --> 00:07:22,334
Let's teach that koala fucker
a lesson, shall we?
149
00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:23,626
[shock sting]
150
00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:26,293
[menacing music playing]
151
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:31,709
[The Jiggles chanting]
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
152
00:07:31,793 --> 00:07:34,793
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
153
00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:37,876
No! No! No, no, no! No!
154
00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:40,001
[screaming]
155
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:42,001
[raunchy music plays]
156
00:07:44,459 --> 00:07:45,751
There's Gina!
157
00:07:45,834 --> 00:07:46,668
Cut!
158
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,251
You guys were awesome up there.
159
00:07:49,334 --> 00:07:52,001
That was my girlfriend
you were fucking. High five!
160
00:07:53,126 --> 00:07:55,293
Gina! I-It's me, Kevin!
161
00:07:55,376 --> 00:07:57,834
You did so good up there.
I didn't know you could act.
162
00:07:57,918 --> 00:07:59,293
Name's not Gina.
163
00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:02,168
[sighs] I guess it was just movie magic.
164
00:08:05,376 --> 00:08:07,543
[rats squeaking]
165
00:08:07,626 --> 00:08:11,001
Wow. The makeup artist
on this film deserves an award.
166
00:08:11,084 --> 00:08:14,126
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on set.
167
00:08:14,209 --> 00:08:17,876
Unwanted Redhead Stepchild
Bangs MILF Stepmom,
168
00:08:17,959 --> 00:08:20,834
Hot Titties, Must Watch, take one.
169
00:08:23,751 --> 00:08:25,751
[whispering] Hey. Just read the cue cards.
170
00:08:26,459 --> 00:08:29,876
Oh no, Mom.
You're stuck in the dryer again.
171
00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:32,834
Aw. It's these damn giant titties.
172
00:08:32,918 --> 00:08:35,876
Your daddy says
he's gonna be coming home late.
173
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:38,668
Uh-oh. My pants are falling down.
174
00:08:39,918 --> 00:08:41,751
[shock sting]
175
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:47,834
[gasps] Oh my God!
Why does it have a knuckle? Ew!
176
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,959
-[laughing]
-Silence!
177
00:08:53,001 --> 00:08:57,126
Your penis,
it oozes shame from its gaping maw.
178
00:08:57,209 --> 00:08:58,043
Thanks?
179
00:08:58,126 --> 00:09:01,959
To look at it
is to stare into the void of madness.
180
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:05,459
It is truly the banality
of evil mite flesh.
181
00:09:05,543 --> 00:09:06,876
So should I leave or--
182
00:09:06,959 --> 00:09:11,876
No. I am going to make
your hideously beautiful penis a star.
183
00:09:11,959 --> 00:09:13,418
We have much work to do.
184
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:14,584
Take five, everyone.
185
00:09:15,668 --> 00:09:18,001
[rats squeaking]
186
00:09:20,084 --> 00:09:21,751
[sad music playing]
187
00:09:32,168 --> 00:09:33,251
Dobby Dobby.
188
00:09:33,334 --> 00:09:35,251
-[yips]
-[bleats]
189
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:36,918
Higher hair.
190
00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:41,168
[screaming]
191
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:47,209
Bro-zaniacs,
I know we've got a lot of free time,
192
00:09:47,293 --> 00:09:48,918
and I've got something to fill it.
193
00:09:49,001 --> 00:09:51,334
You're gonna join my new children's band
194
00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:55,626
and help me get revenge on The Jiggles
by becoming more popular than them.
195
00:09:55,709 --> 00:09:59,043
Hold on. I gotta see
how this stepmom gets out of the dryer.
196
00:09:59,126 --> 00:10:01,918
Goop! I'll be the lovable diva
of the group.
197
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,751
Hopson, get me
a fucking espresso, old man!
198
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:09,376
[screams] Twatemala
was Dobby the whole time?! [groans]
199
00:10:09,459 --> 00:10:11,876
With my songs, we'll be a huge hit.
200
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,001
And I already booked our first gig.
201
00:10:14,084 --> 00:10:18,251
We're gonna be opening
for the animatronic Possum Pizza Jug Band.
202
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:21,293
Just gotta get there three hours early
to disassemble the headliner.
203
00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:22,876
You gotta be kidding me, right?
204
00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:25,709
It makes more sense
than when I ate too many shcrump,
205
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:28,293
shit on the wall,
and became a famous artist.
206
00:10:28,376 --> 00:10:29,501
That never happened.
207
00:10:29,584 --> 00:10:32,876
Oh, that's right.
That's two episodes from now.
208
00:10:32,959 --> 00:10:34,043
Spoiler alert.
209
00:10:34,626 --> 00:10:37,584
Aw, Fitz, don't be such a Grumpy Gus.
It's gonna be great.
210
00:10:37,668 --> 00:10:40,793
I already thought of a cool name
and a cool gimmick.
211
00:10:40,876 --> 00:10:42,709
We're all gonna play fiddles.
212
00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:46,709
[children cheering]
213
00:10:46,793 --> 00:10:50,001
Please welcome to the stage,
The Kiddie Fiddlers.
214
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:53,084
[scattered applause]
215
00:10:53,751 --> 00:10:55,834
Randall, that name sounds a little creepy.
216
00:10:55,918 --> 00:10:58,251
Especially since you forgot
to bring the damn fiddles.
217
00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:02,084
Relax, Fitz. They'll realize
there's nothing untoward about us.
218
00:11:02,168 --> 00:11:05,084
Especially once they hear my song
about the shy bear
219
00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:08,334
who's trying to get the bee's honey
from the hole in the tree.
220
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:13,501
♪ I wanna stick my finger
In the yummy little bee hole ♪
221
00:11:13,584 --> 00:11:16,334
♪ Well, it's a secret
That I keep from other people ♪
222
00:11:16,418 --> 00:11:19,751
♪ Wait, my finger, it won't fit
Guess I'll stick my tongue in it ♪
223
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:23,293
[vocalizing]
224
00:11:23,376 --> 00:11:27,209
Who the hell arrested us? This town
doesn't even have a goddamn police force!
225
00:11:27,293 --> 00:11:29,043
I don't know, but we deserved it
226
00:11:29,126 --> 00:11:32,168
because all the creepy-ass songs
you made us sing!
227
00:11:32,251 --> 00:11:33,418
What do you mean, creepy?
228
00:11:33,501 --> 00:11:35,918
"Stick My Finger
in the Yummy Little Bee Hole."
229
00:11:36,001 --> 00:11:38,126
Nobody calls a beehive a bee hole!
230
00:11:38,209 --> 00:11:41,084
What? My songs are completely innocent.
231
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,918
Like the one about me cheering up
a young shellfish going through chemo.
232
00:11:45,001 --> 00:11:49,126
The song is called "I Wanna Play
with That Hairless Little Clam"!
233
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,418
Catchy, eh?
234
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,001
The songs ain't the problem.
The musicians are.
235
00:11:53,084 --> 00:11:54,543
We just need more practice.
236
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:55,459
Right, Hopson?
237
00:11:55,959 --> 00:11:58,834
-Hopson!
-[screams] Polyp took over Chief's body!
238
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,793
We don't care about all that.
239
00:12:00,876 --> 00:12:06,209
My rider clearly states that I must have
a single green M&M backstage,
240
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:07,959
and I didn't get one.
241
00:12:08,043 --> 00:12:09,543
Luckily, I brought my own.
242
00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:14,209
[screams] Help me! He's eating my brain!
243
00:12:16,293 --> 00:12:18,168
It's so nice to meet you.
244
00:12:18,251 --> 00:12:19,584
-Mayor, I need to--
-[fingers snap]
245
00:12:20,459 --> 00:12:23,418
Okay. [wheezes] Maybe another time, then.
246
00:12:23,501 --> 00:12:24,668
[gagging]
247
00:12:25,293 --> 00:12:26,959
Anyway. Hi. [chuckles]
248
00:12:27,043 --> 00:12:29,501
Hi. I'm Michael Lindell.
249
00:12:29,584 --> 00:12:31,168
And this is My Pillow.
250
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,626
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Lindell.
251
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:35,876
A-Aren't you gonna say hi to My Pillow?
252
00:12:35,959 --> 00:12:36,876
[chuckles]
253
00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:38,668
Uh… H-Hi, Mr. Pillow.
254
00:12:40,043 --> 00:12:41,918
My Pillow doesn't like your face.
255
00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:43,668
-[chuckles] What?
-Nothing.
256
00:12:43,751 --> 00:12:45,001
Uh… Okay.
257
00:12:45,084 --> 00:12:47,959
I think you'll find
that our town has a lot to offer.
258
00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:49,876
I smoked crack once!
259
00:12:49,959 --> 00:12:52,376
But it wasn't my fault.
My Pillow made me do it.
260
00:12:52,459 --> 00:12:53,668
It's fine with me.
261
00:12:53,751 --> 00:12:57,418
Honestly, if you move your company here,
I'd be willing to fluff both of you.
262
00:12:57,501 --> 00:12:59,043
[laughs] Really.
263
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:02,001
Ugh. You are a sick, sick woman.
264
00:13:02,084 --> 00:13:05,001
Come on, My Pillow.
Let's go masturbate in Mother's coffin.
265
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:09,418
[announcer] Paradise Party Dudes
is brought to you by My Pillow.
266
00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:12,376
My Pillow! Fuck it in your mom's coffin.
267
00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:17,626
So why is that stepmom stuck
in the dryer again?
268
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,501
It's those damn big titties.
269
00:13:19,584 --> 00:13:21,459
I think she can sue that dryer company.
270
00:13:21,543 --> 00:13:23,543
-[door slams]
-[mutters] Fuck you, door!
271
00:13:23,626 --> 00:13:26,376
I mean, I offered to open it
for you, but here we are.
272
00:13:26,459 --> 00:13:27,834
Jerry and Junior are missing.
273
00:13:27,918 --> 00:13:29,459
We're hoping they came here.
274
00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:31,668
Oh, man.
I-I'll ask Dobby if he's seen 'em.
275
00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:34,709
Fuck you, door!
276
00:13:34,793 --> 00:13:36,293
You are hard to be around.
277
00:13:36,376 --> 00:13:37,376
Where is he?
278
00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:38,293
Look! A note.
279
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:40,876
"Dobby Dobby, Dobby Dobby…"
280
00:13:40,959 --> 00:13:42,793
-Hey, what's that word, man?
-Dobby.
281
00:13:42,876 --> 00:13:45,084
Oh shit! They ran away!
282
00:13:47,334 --> 00:13:49,834
I'm so excited to be in my first porno!
283
00:13:50,543 --> 00:13:51,793
When do the girls get here?
284
00:13:51,876 --> 00:13:53,168
There will be no girls.
285
00:13:53,251 --> 00:13:56,334
Okay. Guys. [chuckles] The original girls.
286
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,251
There will be no sex.
287
00:13:58,334 --> 00:14:01,293
If I owned a Proto-Cubist Picasso,
288
00:14:01,376 --> 00:14:04,251
I wouldn't shove it up
somebody's worn-out anus!
289
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:07,126
No sex? What kinda porno is this?
290
00:14:09,418 --> 00:14:11,543
[audience chattering quietly]
291
00:14:11,626 --> 00:14:13,376
[applauding]
292
00:14:13,459 --> 00:14:17,793
This film is an auteur's dream
come to fruition.
293
00:14:17,876 --> 00:14:20,668
And the most important piece
of cinematic art
294
00:14:20,751 --> 00:14:23,293
of this or any generation.
295
00:14:23,376 --> 00:14:26,418
There are vomit bags
in the seat pockets in front of you.
296
00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:28,418
[film projector whirring]
297
00:14:31,209 --> 00:14:33,918
Pain. Suffering. Angst.
298
00:14:34,959 --> 00:14:35,793
But why?
299
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:40,168
-God is truly dead.
-[explosion]
300
00:14:43,709 --> 00:14:46,209
[audience applauding, cheering]
301
00:14:49,418 --> 00:14:52,293
They liked it!
I can't believe they liked it.
302
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:53,459
Who the hell are you?
303
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:57,751
[coming-of-age music playing]
304
00:15:08,668 --> 00:15:09,709
[rock music playing]
305
00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:12,418
Thanks for picking me up
from prison, Camaro Bob.
306
00:15:12,501 --> 00:15:14,918
No problem, TransAm Terry.
307
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:19,168
Too bad you had to do 20 years
for killing those kids in the woods, baby.
308
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:20,334
I don't know. I just…
309
00:15:20,418 --> 00:15:22,918
There's something about a group
of kids coming of age in the woods
310
00:15:23,001 --> 00:15:24,001
that sets me off.
311
00:15:24,751 --> 00:15:25,626
Wait a minute.
312
00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:26,834
Stop the car!
313
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:29,418
[tires screeching]
314
00:15:29,501 --> 00:15:32,043
-Oh no. Here we go.
-[car door closes]
315
00:15:32,126 --> 00:15:35,668
You kids over there coming of age?
In the woods?!
316
00:15:37,418 --> 00:15:40,084
Yes, you are coming of age in the woods.
317
00:15:40,168 --> 00:15:41,668
You kids are dead!
318
00:15:41,751 --> 00:15:45,084
You sure you wanna go back
to prison so soon, baby?
319
00:15:45,168 --> 00:15:47,126
[groans] No choice.
320
00:15:47,209 --> 00:15:51,459
Terry don't care if you go in the woods.
Terry don't care if you come of age.
321
00:15:51,543 --> 00:15:56,501
But if you do those two things at once,
it makes Terry inexplicably angry!
322
00:15:56,584 --> 00:16:00,001
I guess I can relate,
but instead of kids, it's lonely MILFs.
323
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:03,168
And instead of the woods,
it's the back room of a yoga studio.
324
00:16:03,251 --> 00:16:06,251
And instead of coming of age,
it's them squirting on my…
325
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:10,376
Uh-oh. I just got wound up
and busted half a nut, baby.
326
00:16:12,126 --> 00:16:15,084
Band practice started ten hours ago!
327
00:16:15,168 --> 00:16:19,584
Where's Dusty, that dumbo-sized diva?
At least he can carry a tune.
328
00:16:19,668 --> 00:16:21,959
Unlike you, Hopson, you talentless prick.
329
00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:25,834
I got talent.
I know how to play the rusty trombone.
330
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:29,251
Yeah, Hopson, I don't have time
for your perverted bullshit.
331
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:32,251
What? That fella
at the music store gave it to me.
332
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:35,626
Oh. Well, my bad, Hopson. I thought
you were about to say something--
333
00:16:35,709 --> 00:16:38,793
As payment for eating his ass
while jerking him off.
334
00:16:38,876 --> 00:16:40,251
You just got Hopson'd.
335
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,793
[trombone plays]
336
00:16:43,876 --> 00:16:46,876
Randall, if you're gonna force us
to keep doing this,
337
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:50,251
can we at least come up
with a non-creepy kids' song?
338
00:16:50,334 --> 00:16:52,459
Sure! I got a whole book full of 'em.
339
00:16:52,543 --> 00:16:53,501
Check this one out.
340
00:16:53,584 --> 00:16:57,209
It's about a clumsy juggler
and his fickle fans.
341
00:16:57,293 --> 00:17:00,501
♪ I like you now
But I won't when your balls drop ♪
342
00:17:01,376 --> 00:17:04,834
♪ My interest will end
When your balls descend ♪
343
00:17:04,918 --> 00:17:07,834
♪ You'll be dead to me
When your balls drop ♪
344
00:17:08,543 --> 00:17:13,751
♪ When those balls hit the floor
I won't, plop, plop, love you no more! ♪
345
00:17:14,251 --> 00:17:16,126
Are you trying to get put on a list?!
346
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,543
[cell phone rings, beeps]
347
00:17:17,626 --> 00:17:19,043
Kiddie Fiddlers' booking.
348
00:17:19,126 --> 00:17:21,418
Really? That's great news!
349
00:17:21,501 --> 00:17:23,793
Ha ha! Fitz, you're so full of shit.
350
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,959
I just booked us a gig
at Philadelphia Fest.
351
00:17:27,043 --> 00:17:28,543
Ha! Told you my songs were good.
352
00:17:29,168 --> 00:17:31,959
Look, y'all! I'm dating Yoko Ono!
353
00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:34,251
Just like that Beetlejuice
named Don Lemon.
354
00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:36,501
She thinks
I'm way more talented than y'all.
355
00:17:36,584 --> 00:17:38,168
She thinks I should go solo.
356
00:17:38,251 --> 00:17:39,834
She even wrote me a song.
357
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:40,959
Sing it for 'em, babe.
358
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:43,584
[screams incoherently]
359
00:17:43,668 --> 00:17:47,168
I broke up The Beatles!
360
00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:50,043
[audience applauding]
361
00:17:50,668 --> 00:17:54,751
And this year's award
for Weirdest Dick goes to… [giggles]
362
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:57,001
…AFKAK Crawford!
363
00:17:57,084 --> 00:17:58,501
[audience applauding]
364
00:18:01,043 --> 00:18:05,584
It was just an honor to be nominated
with the likes of Carl Corkscrew Cock,
365
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,709
Freddy Fork Phallus, and Ethan Hawke.
366
00:18:08,793 --> 00:18:11,043
-Thank you!
-[audience applauds, cheers]
367
00:18:11,126 --> 00:18:13,834
AFKAK, I would love
to shoot a sex scene with you.
368
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,834
I have got a fetish for ungodly penises.
369
00:18:16,918 --> 00:18:21,001
[strains] No kidding?
I feel like such a man. [pants]
370
00:18:21,084 --> 00:18:23,043
Let-- let me go ask permission.
371
00:18:24,001 --> 00:18:27,418
The hottest porn star on earth
wants to shoot a sex scene with me.
372
00:18:27,501 --> 00:18:31,293
I will never let my wailing atrocity
come near a woman.
373
00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:35,334
Please. I've shot 70 films,
and I haven't had sex with one woman.
374
00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:38,376
I can't even cash any checks
because they're all made out to my dick.
375
00:18:38,459 --> 00:18:40,293
Okay. One scene.
376
00:18:40,376 --> 00:18:43,584
But you have to sign this contract.
It says I own your penis,
377
00:18:43,668 --> 00:18:46,084
and when I die, I will be buried with it.
378
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,168
Sounds fair.
379
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:49,918
Wow. Best Makeup Artist.
380
00:18:50,001 --> 00:18:52,584
I'd like to thank my English teacher,
Mr. Toomie,
381
00:18:52,668 --> 00:18:54,543
who always said, if I put my mind to it,
382
00:18:54,626 --> 00:18:58,334
I could deceive people
into jerking off to a bag of rats.
383
00:18:58,418 --> 00:19:00,084
All the love, Mr. Toomie.
384
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:02,334
I hope you can see this in prison.
385
00:19:04,418 --> 00:19:06,334
My goals are to become
the richest man on earth,
386
00:19:06,418 --> 00:19:09,793
attain world domination,
enslave my workers, and defeat Superman.
387
00:19:09,876 --> 00:19:11,084
I'm sorry, Mr. Luthor,
388
00:19:11,168 --> 00:19:15,543
but I'm not sure that we want
an evil company like LexCorp in Paradise.
389
00:19:15,626 --> 00:19:18,168
Oh. I'm not Lex Luthor. I'm Jeff Bezos.
390
00:19:18,251 --> 00:19:20,876
Oh! I love Bosch. Welcome to Paradise.
391
00:19:25,793 --> 00:19:28,709
That wasn't Lex Luthor!
That was Jeff Bezos!
392
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,209
I know. You're welcome.
393
00:19:32,793 --> 00:19:34,793
Meeting adjourned, Your Honor?
394
00:19:34,876 --> 00:19:36,126
What the hell do you want?
395
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,876
Aren't you Fitz's
incompetent psychiatrist?
396
00:19:38,959 --> 00:19:42,501
I found that I can be incompetent
at lots of things.
397
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:45,543
I now represent Charles Lovely,
398
00:19:45,626 --> 00:19:51,584
the CEO of Lovely Corp,
a multi-billion-dollar company.
399
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:56,209
He wants to move
his entire enterprise to Paradise.
400
00:19:56,293 --> 00:19:58,251
[sinister music plays]
401
00:19:58,334 --> 00:20:00,251
That's great. When do I get to meet him?
402
00:20:00,334 --> 00:20:01,168
[man] Now.
403
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:02,668
[screams]
404
00:20:02,751 --> 00:20:06,543
Hello. I am Charles Lovely.
405
00:20:07,918 --> 00:20:09,084
Sorry about your plant.
406
00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:11,126
Oh, it's fine. That plant was a cunt.
407
00:20:11,626 --> 00:20:15,251
[crickets chirping]
408
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:18,084
Ugh. Where the hell are those kids?
409
00:20:18,168 --> 00:20:20,459
You're a dog!
Can't you pick up their scent?
410
00:20:20,543 --> 00:20:23,751
Bro, do you know
how much blow I do? [laughs]
411
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:26,001
It is… It's all dead up there.
I can't smell shit.
412
00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:28,334
Then how do we even know
they went this way?!
413
00:20:28,418 --> 00:20:31,126
All kids go down these tracks
when they run away.
414
00:20:31,209 --> 00:20:33,834
Hey, Delbert.
Remember when we ran away in '86?
415
00:20:33,918 --> 00:20:36,959
Yep. Us, Mouth from The Goonies,
fat Jerry O'Connell,
416
00:20:37,043 --> 00:20:39,334
and that boy from Star Trek
who got the leech on his pecker.
417
00:20:39,418 --> 00:20:40,418
Oh yeah. That's right.
418
00:20:40,501 --> 00:20:42,876
We never did get to fuck
that dead body, though.
419
00:20:42,959 --> 00:20:45,459
We were trying to find a dead body.
420
00:20:45,543 --> 00:20:46,793
Maybe you were.
421
00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:49,376
♪ AFKAK's getting laid today ♪
422
00:20:49,459 --> 00:20:52,376
♪ He doesn't even care
If she's a bag of rats, yeah! ♪
423
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:53,293
Oh, hey, honey.
424
00:20:53,376 --> 00:20:56,543
These are for you.
I'm so excited for our shoot today.
425
00:20:56,626 --> 00:20:59,251
Believe it or not,
I have a pretty weird-shaped vagina.
426
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:01,959
I have to use Waze
to put in a tampon. [chortles]
427
00:21:03,043 --> 00:21:04,418
See you on set. [giggles]
428
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:07,168
Okay. Better get my costume on.
429
00:21:12,001 --> 00:21:13,126
Ow!
430
00:21:13,793 --> 00:21:17,043
Stupid bee! Go back
to your yummy little bee hole!
431
00:21:18,751 --> 00:21:21,418
Wankenstein, take one.
432
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:23,543
Take me, Wankenstein.
433
00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:25,459
Don't be afraid of fire…
434
00:21:25,543 --> 00:21:26,626
crotch!
435
00:21:26,709 --> 00:21:28,959
I wrote that.
It's like improv or whatever. [chuckles]
436
00:21:29,043 --> 00:21:32,293
Fire crotch good.
437
00:21:35,209 --> 00:21:39,001
You're a fucking fraud.
You have a thick, beautiful penis!
438
00:21:39,084 --> 00:21:41,084
No! I-I swear, I don't!
439
00:21:41,168 --> 00:21:43,709
I am not putting anything that gorgeous
440
00:21:43,793 --> 00:21:46,626
and perfectly formed
and basic inside of me.
441
00:21:46,709 --> 00:21:50,293
I want a Buscemi, not a Hemsworth. Gross.
442
00:21:51,168 --> 00:21:52,418
No! No!
443
00:21:53,084 --> 00:21:54,209
What have you done?
444
00:21:54,293 --> 00:21:56,709
You have wiped your ass
with the Mona Lisa.
445
00:21:56,793 --> 00:21:58,168
What do I have to live for?
446
00:22:02,709 --> 00:22:04,043
No!
447
00:22:04,126 --> 00:22:05,293
[body thuds]
448
00:22:05,376 --> 00:22:08,126
Well, at least now
I have a thick, beautiful--
449
00:22:10,876 --> 00:22:13,793
[sighs] Damn it. Back to Buscemi.
450
00:22:13,876 --> 00:22:16,084
[audience applauding, cheering]
451
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:19,959
Okay, guys. Gonna start with that new one.
The one about me and my puppet named Jack.
452
00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:21,001
Where's the puppet?
453
00:22:21,084 --> 00:22:25,126
Well, I forgot the damn puppet, okay?
But we're doing the song anyway. Let's go!
454
00:22:25,709 --> 00:22:27,959
♪ Jack and me, Jack and me ♪
455
00:22:28,459 --> 00:22:30,626
♪ All the kids love Jack and me ♪
456
00:22:30,709 --> 00:22:33,293
♪ Billy loves Jack and me
Lily loves Jack and me ♪
457
00:22:33,376 --> 00:22:35,376
♪ Willy loves Jack and me ♪
458
00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:38,043
♪ 'Cause all the kids love Jack and me ♪
459
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:40,501
Hoo! We're killing!
460
00:22:40,584 --> 00:22:42,584
Let's do the one
about the son helping his dad out
461
00:22:42,668 --> 00:22:44,209
with odd jobs around the house.
462
00:22:44,293 --> 00:22:46,959
♪ Where's my handy little boy? ♪
463
00:22:47,043 --> 00:22:49,293
♪ I need my handy little boy ♪
464
00:22:49,376 --> 00:22:51,793
♪ I need to hammer, nail
Drill, and screw ♪
465
00:22:51,876 --> 00:22:54,418
♪ And only tiny hands will do ♪
466
00:22:54,501 --> 00:22:56,793
♪ Grab my tool and go to town ♪
467
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,126
♪ Squirt my wood glue all around ♪
468
00:22:59,209 --> 00:23:01,709
♪ This handy job brought me so much joy ♪
469
00:23:01,793 --> 00:23:06,001
♪ I am grateful for my handy little boy ♪
470
00:23:07,251 --> 00:23:08,168
Big finish!
471
00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:11,626
Time for the one about the boy whose dad
is telling him all about growing up.
472
00:23:11,709 --> 00:23:14,376
Can't you give this context
to the audience?
473
00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:15,459
No time. Hit it!
474
00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:21,168
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
475
00:23:22,459 --> 00:23:25,876
♪ Don't fight him, let him grow ♪
476
00:23:27,168 --> 00:23:30,834
♪ Pretty soon he's gonna come ♪
477
00:23:31,709 --> 00:23:35,584
♪ And your innocence will be done ♪
478
00:23:36,501 --> 00:23:40,084
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
479
00:23:41,251 --> 00:23:44,959
♪ You may wonder why this is ♪
480
00:23:45,834 --> 00:23:49,168
♪ 'Cause when I was as old as you ♪
481
00:23:50,668 --> 00:23:55,126
♪ There was a man inside me too ♪
482
00:23:55,209 --> 00:23:56,918
[audience cheering, applauding]
483
00:23:57,501 --> 00:24:00,126
See, Fitz? I told you my songs were good.
484
00:24:02,584 --> 00:24:05,876
What the hell?
This audience is all creepy pervs.
485
00:24:05,959 --> 00:24:07,001
Look at that!
486
00:24:07,793 --> 00:24:10,584
Yeah. "Philadelphia Fest."
And your point is?
487
00:24:10,668 --> 00:24:13,126
That says "Pedophilia Fest"!
488
00:24:13,209 --> 00:24:14,543
Oh shit.
489
00:24:14,626 --> 00:24:18,168
I guess I've been mixing up
those two words my whole life.
490
00:24:18,251 --> 00:24:20,459
No wonder the guy
at the deli looks at me weird
491
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:23,168
when I ask for pedophilia cream cheese.
492
00:24:23,251 --> 00:24:25,376
I guess my songs do suck.
493
00:24:25,459 --> 00:24:26,709
[Kevin] Great show, Dad.
494
00:24:26,793 --> 00:24:30,876
You're even better than The Jiggles.
You're my hero.
495
00:24:30,959 --> 00:24:34,293
My son likes my songs,
and that's all that matters.
496
00:24:34,376 --> 00:24:38,001
And he's about to get molested
by a thousand pedophiles!
497
00:24:39,168 --> 00:24:41,709
[gasps, pants, yells] Get outta my--
498
00:24:41,793 --> 00:24:43,543
[gasps] Wait, aren't you R. Kelly?
499
00:24:43,626 --> 00:24:46,959
[chuckles] My Pillow made me come here.
500
00:24:47,043 --> 00:24:48,626
[suspenseful music playing]
501
00:24:49,876 --> 00:24:53,501
You sure you don't wanna make it home
to finally meet your 19-year-old daughter
502
00:24:53,584 --> 00:24:55,334
before you go back to prison?
503
00:24:55,418 --> 00:24:59,959
I did. Until these three decided
to come of age in the woods.
504
00:25:00,043 --> 00:25:01,918
Now I gotta kill them!
505
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:03,959
[suspenseful music playing]
506
00:25:11,126 --> 00:25:13,501
Oh ho ho. Oh…
507
00:25:13,584 --> 00:25:15,834
You three are in trouble now.
508
00:25:15,918 --> 00:25:20,334
Nobody bites Terry's hand off,
balls off, and face off
509
00:25:20,418 --> 00:25:22,209
at the same time!
510
00:25:23,126 --> 00:25:23,959
[metal clangs]
511
00:25:24,043 --> 00:25:27,209
Hey, you guys look different now.
More mature.
512
00:25:27,293 --> 00:25:28,751
You came of age.
513
00:25:28,834 --> 00:25:30,001
Holy shit!
514
00:25:30,084 --> 00:25:32,626
I was the adversity you had to overcome!
515
00:25:32,709 --> 00:25:34,501
I made you come of age!
516
00:25:34,584 --> 00:25:35,876
In the woods!
517
00:25:35,959 --> 00:25:38,959
Who-- who am I?! What am I?!
518
00:25:39,043 --> 00:25:41,168
[screams]
519
00:25:41,251 --> 00:25:43,293
Let's get you home, baby.
520
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:46,043
And don't worry about that new face.
521
00:25:46,126 --> 00:25:51,543
I know a lot of horny MILFs stuck
in dryers with a Crypt Keeper fetish.
522
00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:54,501
[calm music plays]
523
00:25:54,584 --> 00:25:57,209
Wow. They really care about each other.
524
00:25:57,293 --> 00:26:00,126
[sniffles] We were wrong
to keep them apart.
525
00:26:00,209 --> 00:26:02,584
Maybe we should've stepped in
and stopped that whole thing
526
00:26:02,668 --> 00:26:04,126
when we got here 20 minutes ago.
527
00:26:04,209 --> 00:26:06,876
Are you nuts? That guy had a knife.
528
00:26:06,959 --> 00:26:10,209
[male voice] I'll never forget that summer
we ran away from home,
529
00:26:10,293 --> 00:26:12,709
went into the woods, and came of age.
530
00:26:12,793 --> 00:26:15,584
As we grew older,
it was harder to stay in touch.
531
00:26:15,668 --> 00:26:17,293
Junior became an astronaut
532
00:26:17,376 --> 00:26:21,209
and the first dolphin-dog
to die in space from a heroin overdose.
533
00:26:21,293 --> 00:26:23,959
Jerry tried several times
to get into the army,
534
00:26:24,043 --> 00:26:27,918
but his weird, fucked up face,
fins, and blowhole kept him out.
535
00:26:28,001 --> 00:26:31,334
Fortunately, he moved to Kentucky
and became the Senate Majority Leader.
536
00:26:31,418 --> 00:26:34,001
And as for me, I became a writer.
537
00:26:35,334 --> 00:26:37,501
Dad, can we go now?
538
00:26:37,584 --> 00:26:39,459
[in Dobbinese]
539
00:26:40,168 --> 00:26:43,418
[Kiddie Fiddlers]
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
540
00:26:44,709 --> 00:26:48,126
♪ Don't fight him, let him grow ♪
541
00:26:49,418 --> 00:26:53,084
♪ Pretty soon he's gonna come ♪
542
00:26:54,001 --> 00:26:57,834
♪ And your innocence will be done ♪
543
00:26:58,793 --> 00:27:02,334
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
544
00:27:03,501 --> 00:27:07,209
♪ You may wonder why this is ♪
545
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:11,418
♪ 'Cause when I was as old as you ♪
546
00:27:12,918 --> 00:27:17,376
♪ There was a man inside me too ♪
547
00:27:26,168 --> 00:27:27,584
[screams]