[sad music playing]
[sobbing]
Son, it's bad enough to have you living here at home again,
but are you gonna do anything besides sit on the couch and cry?
I'm not just crying, Dad.
I'm also masturbating.
[sobbing]
Sorry, Dad. [sobs]
Since I lost Gina, crying and masturbating to porn is all I wanna do.
Well, can you at least wait until your grandma isn't visiting?
Anyways, don't worry about me, Dad. I'll get through this.
Your grief, huh?
No. PornHub.
You watched every video on PornHub?
Almost.
I even watched the animated stuff like Tugrats,
Powerbuff Girls, and Darkwing Cuck.
Those sound a little yucky, son.
You should check out The Fairly OddParents:
Lust For Big Black Cock.
Here we go. The very last video.
[raunchy music playing]
Gina?
Dad! It's Gina!
Hey, there she is. Look at that.
I always knew that girl would do big things.
Just didn't realize how big. And how veiny.
Hey, Mom! Get a load of this hog! [laughs]
That's where she's been!
I'm going to the studio where they shot this.
[groaning]
[theme music plays]
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
Fuck your baked potato!
What the hell?! The Jiggles are Baby Kevin's favorite!
That music is horseshit!
You obviously know nothing about art.
They wrote the most life-changing anthem of all time.
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus."
Oh, I know "Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus."
I fucking lived "Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus"!
What the fuck are you talking about, Randall?
I never told you about this dark time in my life, Karen,
but I was actually a founding member of The Jiggles.
Those assholes kicked me out before they hit it big,
'cause the songs I wrote were too damn good.
Stop spewing bullshit, old man. You weren't a Jiggle.
[disco music plays]
Well, fuck me in my baby ass.
Daddy, you'd be my hero if you introduced me to 'em.
Yeah, I could, but they're probably halfway around the--
Actually, they're playing tonight in Diamond City!
Well, isn't that very convenient, story-wise.
Of course I could introduce you, little buddy. Those guys love me!
Why'd they kick you out, then?
I told you. Creative differences.
[audience applauding, cheering]
Bless us with a great show, Australian Jesus.
Nothing gets me pumped up for a show like praying to Aussie Jesus.
Well, nothing besides injecting cocaine right into my penis.
Steve the Squid?
Do the honors.
Whoo! Rock and roll!
♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
[distorted] ♪ Baked potato Baked, baked potato… ♪
[distortion continues]
[screams]
[snarling]
[children scream]
Hail Satan!
-[yips] -[bleats]
Dobby Dobby.
Okay, Junior. Time to go.
Now, you go and say goodbye to these, uh, extras from Troma Entertainment
that I guess we're okay with you hanging out with.
[hisses]
[sizzling]
What the hell?!
Dobby, we told you, don't be spraying neurotoxin on your friends, now.
A neurotoxin?
Calm down. He'll be fine.
But if his back starts bubbling like a wet mogwai,
you're gonna wanna burn his body and bury him under a church.
-What?! -Robby's just kidding.
You only have to bury him next to a church.
That's it. Junior, I don't want you playing with that Dobby freak anymore.
Or that bulimic freak.
Bullet! How dare you insult my little angel, Jerry.
Your son's the freak, because you had sex with a dolphin!
Bro, you had sex with the same dolphin!
That's different.
That dolphin's my mother.
Come on, Junior.
I don't wanna see you around these two… uh, future Gravitron operators ever again.
Yeah, I said it.
Fine. That goes double for Jerry.
And another math word for Dobby.
[sad music plays]
[in Dobbinese]
Oh my God! Did you see that subtitle?
Dobby just said the F-word!
He must have learned that fucking shit
from your little fucking fuckity fucked-up fucker. Fuck you!
I have wunderbar news, Mayor.
I landed you meetings with several CEOs
about them moving their headquarters to Paradise.
Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm just so thrilled you agreed to come meet!
Uh, Paradise would be a great place for Facebook headquarters and--
Do you like my hair?
Um… Sure?
Need higher hair.
You need…
Higher hair, please.
Are you saying you want me to cut your hair or…
Need higher hair.
Hello. I need to speak with to mayor at once.
Ah. I'm sorry. The mayor is in a very important meeting.
How's that?
-Higher. -Really?
Need higher hair.
I told you it's urgent!
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were in the middle of grooming a dead-eyed shark man.
I'll come back.
How did it go?
Well, he's not moving his company here,
but somehow I've agreed to be his on-call barber.
[cell phone rings, beeps]
[Mark Zuckerberg on phone] Need higher hair, please.
Okay. This is The Jiggles' hotel.
You wait here while I go set everything up.
You sure they're even gonna let you in to see 'em?
Don't worry. I got a plan.
This horny MILF gave me a BJ so she can meet you guys.
[wolf-whistles] Man! She's fucking ugly.
Who are you?
Who am I? Duh!
I'm your best pal, Green Jiggle?
You mean the lowlife we kicked out of the group
because he injected cocaine into his penis and tried to eat the Purple Jiggle's face?
[shock sting]
Yeah, that's me. And I need a favor.
My kid would love to meet you guys.
Better yet, how about you let me come onstage with you for one song?
Oh, then I'd really be his hero.
What do you think, gang?
Let's teach that koala fucker a lesson, shall we?
[shock sting]
[menacing music playing]
[The Jiggles chanting] ♪ Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
No! No! No, no, no! No!
[screaming]
[raunchy music plays]
There's Gina!
Cut!
You guys were awesome up there.
That was my girlfriend you were fucking. High five!
Gina! I-It's me, Kevin!
You did so good up there. I didn't know you could act.
Name's not Gina.
[sighs] I guess it was just movie magic.
[rats squeaking]
Wow. The makeup artist on this film deserves an award.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on set.
Unwanted Redhead Stepchild Bangs MILF Stepmom,
Hot Titties, Must Watch, take one.
[whispering] Hey. Just read the cue cards.
Oh no, Mom. You're stuck in the dryer again.
Aw. It's these damn giant titties.
Your daddy says he's gonna be coming home late.
Uh-oh. My pants are falling down.
[shock sting]
[gasps] Oh my God! Why does it have a knuckle? Ew!
-[laughing] -Silence!
Your penis, it oozes shame from its gaping maw.
Thanks?
To look at it is to stare into the void of madness.
It is truly the banality of evil mite flesh.
So should I leave or--
No. I am going to make your hideously beautiful penis a star.
We have much work to do.
Take five, everyone.
[rats squeaking]
[sad music playing]
Dobby Dobby.
-[yips] -[bleats]
Higher hair.
[screaming]
Bro-zaniacs, I know we've got a lot of free time,
and I've got something to fill it.
You're gonna join my new children's band
and help me get revenge on The Jiggles by becoming more popular than them.
Hold on. I gotta see how this stepmom gets out of the dryer.
Goop! I'll be the lovable diva of the group.
Hopson, get me a fucking espresso, old man!
[screams] Twatemala was Dobby the whole time?! [groans]
With my songs, we'll be a huge hit.
And I already booked our first gig.
We're gonna be opening for the animatronic Possum Pizza Jug Band.
Just gotta get there three hours early to disassemble the headliner.
You gotta be kidding me, right?
It makes more sense than when I ate too many shcrump,
shit on the wall, and became a famous artist.
That never happened.
Oh, that's right. That's two episodes from now.
Spoiler alert.
Aw, Fitz, don't be such a Grumpy Gus. It's gonna be great.
I already thought of a cool name and a cool gimmick.
We're all gonna play fiddles.
[children cheering]
Please welcome to the stage, The Kiddie Fiddlers.
[scattered applause]
Randall, that name sounds a little creepy.
Especially since you forgot to bring the damn fiddles.
Relax, Fitz. They'll realize there's nothing untoward about us.
Especially once they hear my song about the shy bear
who's trying to get the bee's honey from the hole in the tree.
♪ I wanna stick my finger In the yummy little bee hole ♪
♪ Well, it's a secret That I keep from other people ♪
♪ Wait, my finger, it won't fit Guess I'll stick my tongue in it ♪
[vocalizing]
Who the hell arrested us? This town doesn't even have a goddamn police force!
I don't know, but we deserved it
because all the creepy-ass songs you made us sing!
What do you mean, creepy?
"Stick My Finger in the Yummy Little Bee Hole."
Nobody calls a beehive a bee hole!
What? My songs are completely innocent.
Like the one about me cheering up a young shellfish going through chemo.
The song is called "I Wanna Play with That Hairless Little Clam"!
Catchy, eh?
The songs ain't the problem. The musicians are.
We just need more practice.
Right, Hopson?
-Hopson! -[screams] Polyp took over Chief's body!
We don't care about all that.
My rider clearly states that I must have a single green M&M backstage,
and I didn't get one.
Luckily, I brought my own.
[screams] Help me! He's eating my brain!
It's so nice to meet you.
-Mayor, I need to-- -[fingers snap]
Okay. [wheezes] Maybe another time, then.
[gagging]
Anyway. Hi. [chuckles]
Hi. I'm Michael Lindell.
And this is My Pillow.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Lindell.
A-Aren't you gonna say hi to My Pillow?
[chuckles]
Uh… H-Hi, Mr. Pillow.
My Pillow doesn't like your face.
-[chuckles] What? -Nothing.
Uh… Okay.
I think you'll find that our town has a lot to offer.
I smoked crack once!
But it wasn't my fault. My Pillow made me do it.
It's fine with me.
Honestly, if you move your company here, I'd be willing to fluff both of you.
[laughs] Really.
Ugh. You are a sick, sick woman.
Come on, My Pillow. Let's go masturbate in Mother's coffin.
[announcer] Paradise Party Dudes is brought to you by My Pillow.
My Pillow! Fuck it in your mom's coffin.
So why is that stepmom stuck in the dryer again?
It's those damn big titties.
I think she can sue that dryer company.
-[door slams] -[mutters] Fuck you, door!
I mean, I offered to open it for you, but here we are.
Jerry and Junior are missing.
We're hoping they came here.
Oh, man. I-I'll ask Dobby if he's seen 'em.
Fuck you, door!
You are hard to be around.
Where is he?
Look! A note.
"Dobby Dobby, Dobby Dobby…"
-Hey, what's that word, man? -Dobby.
Oh shit! They ran away!
I'm so excited to be in my first porno!
When do the girls get here?
There will be no girls.
Okay. Guys. [chuckles] The original girls.
There will be no sex.
If I owned a Proto-Cubist Picasso,
I wouldn't shove it up somebody's worn-out anus!
No sex? What kinda porno is this?
[audience chattering quietly]
[applauding]
This film is an auteur's dream come to fruition.
And the most important piece of cinematic art
of this or any generation.
There are vomit bags in the seat pockets in front of you.
[film projector whirring]
Pain. Suffering. Angst.
But why?
-God is truly dead. -[explosion]
[audience applauding, cheering]
They liked it! I can't believe they liked it.
Who the hell are you?
[coming-of-age music playing]
[rock music playing]
Thanks for picking me up from prison, Camaro Bob.
No problem, TransAm Terry.
Too bad you had to do 20 years for killing those kids in the woods, baby.
I don't know. I just…
There's something about a group of kids coming of age in the woods
that sets me off.
Wait a minute.
Stop the car!
[tires screeching]
-Oh no. Here we go. -[car door closes]
You kids over there coming of age? In the woods?!
Yes, you are coming of age in the woods.
You kids are dead!
You sure you wanna go back to prison so soon, baby?
[groans] No choice.
Terry don't care if you go in the woods. Terry don't care if you come of age.
But if you do those two things at once, it makes Terry inexplicably angry!
I guess I can relate, but instead of kids, it's lonely MILFs.
And instead of the woods, it's the back room of a yoga studio.
And instead of coming of age, it's them squirting on my…
Uh-oh. I just got wound up and busted half a nut, baby.
Band practice started ten hours ago!
Where's Dusty, that dumbo-sized diva? At least he can carry a tune.
Unlike you, Hopson, you talentless prick.
I got talent. I know how to play the rusty trombone.
Yeah, Hopson, I don't have time for your perverted bullshit.
What? That fella at the music store gave it to me.
Oh. Well, my bad, Hopson. I thought you were about to say something--
As payment for eating his ass while jerking him off.
You just got Hopson'd.
[trombone plays]
Randall, if you're gonna force us to keep doing this,
can we at least come up with a non-creepy kids' song?
Sure! I got a whole book full of 'em.
Check this one out.
It's about a clumsy juggler and his fickle fans.
♪ I like you now But I won't when your balls drop ♪
♪ My interest will end When your balls descend ♪
♪ You'll be dead to me When your balls drop ♪
♪ When those balls hit the floor I won't, plop, plop, love you no more! ♪
Are you trying to get put on a list?!
[cell phone rings, beeps]
Kiddie Fiddlers' booking.
Really? That's great news!
Ha ha! Fitz, you're so full of shit.
I just booked us a gig at Philadelphia Fest.
Ha! Told you my songs were good.
Look, y'all! I'm dating Yoko Ono!
Just like that Beetlejuice named Don Lemon.
She thinks I'm way more talented than y'all.
She thinks I should go solo.
She even wrote me a song.
Sing it for 'em, babe.
[screams incoherently]
I broke up The Beatles!
[audience applauding]
And this year's award for Weirdest Dick goes to… [giggles]
…AFKAK Crawford!
[audience applauding]
It was just an honor to be nominated with the likes of Carl Corkscrew Cock,
Freddy Fork Phallus, and Ethan Hawke.
-Thank you! -[audience applauds, cheers]
AFKAK, I would love to shoot a sex scene with you.
I have got a fetish for ungodly penises.
[strains] No kidding? I feel like such a man. [pants]
Let-- let me go ask permission.
The hottest porn star on earth wants to shoot a sex scene with me.
I will never let my wailing atrocity come near a woman.
Please. I've shot 70 films, and I haven't had sex with one woman.
I can't even cash any checks because they're all made out to my dick.
Okay. One scene.
But you have to sign this contract. It says I own your penis,
and when I die, I will be buried with it.
Sounds fair.
Wow. Best Makeup Artist.
I'd like to thank my English teacher, Mr. Toomie,
who always said, if I put my mind to it,
I could deceive people into jerking off to a bag of rats.
All the love, Mr. Toomie.
I hope you can see this in prison.
My goals are to become the richest man on earth,
attain world domination, enslave my workers, and defeat Superman.
I'm sorry, Mr. Luthor,
but I'm not sure that we want an evil company like LexCorp in Paradise.
Oh. I'm not Lex Luthor. I'm Jeff Bezos.
Oh! I love Bosch. Welcome to Paradise.
That wasn't Lex Luthor! That was Jeff Bezos!
I know. You're welcome.
Meeting adjourned, Your Honor?
What the hell do you want?
Aren't you Fitz's incompetent psychiatrist?
I found that I can be incompetent at lots of things.
I now represent Charles Lovely,
the CEO of Lovely Corp, a multi-billion-dollar company.
He wants to move his entire enterprise to Paradise.
[sinister music plays]
That's great. When do I get to meet him?
[man] Now.
[screams]
Hello. I am Charles Lovely.
Sorry about your plant.
Oh, it's fine. That plant was a cunt.
[crickets chirping]
Ugh. Where the hell are those kids?
You're a dog! Can't you pick up their scent?
Bro, do you know how much blow I do? [laughs]
It is… It's all dead up there. I can't smell shit.
Then how do we even know they went this way?!
All kids go down these tracks when they run away.
Hey, Delbert. Remember when we ran away in '86?
Yep. Us, Mouth from The Goonies, fat Jerry O'Connell,
and that boy from Star Trek who got the leech on his pecker.
Oh yeah. That's right.
We never did get to fuck that dead body, though.
We were trying to find a dead body.
Maybe you were.
♪ AFKAK's getting laid today ♪
♪ He doesn't even care If she's a bag of rats, yeah! ♪
Oh, hey, honey.
These are for you. I'm so excited for our shoot today.
Believe it or not, I have a pretty weird-shaped vagina.
I have to use Waze to put in a tampon. [chortles]
See you on set. [giggles]
Okay. Better get my costume on.
Ow!
Stupid bee! Go back to your yummy little bee hole!
Wankenstein, take one.
Take me, Wankenstein.
Don't be afraid of fire…
crotch!
I wrote that. It's like improv or whatever. [chuckles]
Fire crotch good.
You're a fucking fraud. You have a thick, beautiful penis!
No! I-I swear, I don't!
I am not putting anything that gorgeous
and perfectly formed and basic inside of me.
I want a Buscemi, not a Hemsworth. Gross.
No! No!
What have you done?
You have wiped your ass with the Mona Lisa.
What do I have to live for?
No!
[body thuds]
Well, at least now I have a thick, beautiful--
[sighs] Damn it. Back to Buscemi.
[audience applauding, cheering]
Okay, guys. Gonna start with that new one. The one about me and my puppet named Jack.
Where's the puppet?
Well, I forgot the damn puppet, okay? But we're doing the song anyway. Let's go!
♪ Jack and me, Jack and me ♪
♪ All the kids love Jack and me ♪
♪ Billy loves Jack and me Lily loves Jack and me ♪
♪ Willy loves Jack and me ♪
♪ 'Cause all the kids love Jack and me ♪
Hoo! We're killing!
Let's do the one about the son helping his dad out
with odd jobs around the house.
♪ Where's my handy little boy? ♪
♪ I need my handy little boy ♪
♪ I need to hammer, nail Drill, and screw ♪
♪ And only tiny hands will do ♪
♪ Grab my tool and go to town ♪
♪ Squirt my wood glue all around ♪
♪ This handy job brought me so much joy ♪
♪ I am grateful for my handy little boy ♪
Big finish!
Time for the one about the boy whose dad is telling him all about growing up.
Can't you give this context to the audience?
No time. Hit it!
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
♪ Don't fight him, let him grow ♪
♪ Pretty soon he's gonna come ♪
♪ And your innocence will be done ♪
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
♪ You may wonder why this is ♪
♪ 'Cause when I was as old as you ♪
♪ There was a man inside me too ♪
[audience cheering, applauding]
See, Fitz? I told you my songs were good.
What the hell? This audience is all creepy pervs.
Look at that!
Yeah. "Philadelphia Fest." And your point is?
That says "Pedophilia Fest"!
Oh shit.
I guess I've been mixing up those two words my whole life.
No wonder the guy at the deli looks at me weird
when I ask for pedophilia cream cheese.
I guess my songs do suck.
[Kevin] Great show, Dad.
You're even better than The Jiggles. You're my hero.
My son likes my songs, and that's all that matters.
And he's about to get molested by a thousand pedophiles!
[gasps, pants, yells] Get outta my--
[gasps] Wait, aren't you R. Kelly?
[chuckles] My Pillow made me come here.
[suspenseful music playing]
You sure you don't wanna make it home to finally meet your 19-year-old daughter
before you go back to prison?
I did. Until these three decided to come of age in the woods.
Now I gotta kill them!
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh ho ho. Oh…
You three are in trouble now.
Nobody bites Terry's hand off, balls off, and face off
at the same time!
[metal clangs]
Hey, you guys look different now. More mature.
You came of age.
Holy shit!
I was the adversity you had to overcome!
I made you come of age!
In the woods!
Who-- who am I?! What am I?!
[screams]
Let's get you home, baby.
And don't worry about that new face.
I know a lot of horny MILFs stuck in dryers with a Crypt Keeper fetish.
[calm music plays]
Wow. They really care about each other.
[sniffles] We were wrong to keep them apart.
Maybe we should've stepped in and stopped that whole thing
when we got here 20 minutes ago.
Are you nuts? That guy had a knife.
[male voice] I'll never forget that summer we ran away from home,
went into the woods, and came of age.
As we grew older, it was harder to stay in touch.
Junior became an astronaut
and the first dolphin-dog to die in space from a heroin overdose.
Jerry tried several times to get into the army,
but his weird, fucked up face, fins, and blowhole kept him out.
Fortunately, he moved to Kentucky and became the Senate Majority Leader.
And as for me, I became a writer.
Dad, can we go now?
[in Dobbinese]
[Kiddie Fiddlers] ♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
♪ Don't fight him, let him grow ♪
♪ Pretty soon he's gonna come ♪
♪ And your innocence will be done ♪
♪ There's a man inside of you ♪
♪ You may wonder why this is ♪
♪ 'Cause when I was as old as you ♪
♪ There was a man inside me too ♪
[screams]