[sinister music plays]
Welcome to the grand opening of the Lovely Museum of Fine Art.
This is the most culture this town has had since Hobo-Cop gave us all impetigo.
I'm a hugger.
We are honored to have famous art critic Dante Diderot here tonight.
And if anyone doubts his credentials, he is gay.
Whoo!
Dante, please say a few words about these magnificent works of art.
Every artist is a hack.
Even those half-monkeys who made the Lascaux cave paintings.
All art is shit.
[chuckling] Inspiring.
I never quite understood this one. Do you like it?
Like it? Hell, I'm in it.
The original title was Hopson Blowing Alien Wizard.
It all finally makes sense.
Karen Crawford,
I hope this museum gives you the positive human emotion of happiness.
[sighs] More than a box of Kmart wine.
Where is your husband?
I enjoyed discussing human feet-ball with him at the sustenance hour
as we consumed and digested the flesh of bovine land mammal.
I don't know how to respond to that,
so I'm just gonna show more cleavage, okay?
Ah, shit, I'm late. Karen's gonna kill me.
Hey, Siri.
[phone assistant in Russian accent] No Siri. Only Vlad.
Vlad? All right. I guess Lovely Phones have Vlad.
Okay, Vlad. Route me to the museum.
[Vlad] You don't want go to museum. Vlad get you girls. You like.
What? No, I need directions to the museum!
[Vlad] No museum. Strip club.
Routing to the Iron Beef Curtain.
Huh? I'm not going to the--
Wow. They have a buffet?
What do you mean you're at a Russian titty bar?
How could your phone make you?
[cell phone beeps]
Gina, you've gotta stop avoiding me and give me some answers.
I was searching for answers too, Kevin, until I met Charles,
and now he's my answer to everything.
You're not acting like yourself.
You disappear for four months
then show up engaged to some creepy fucking weirdo who--
Too suddenly right next to me.
It is a pleasure to perceive you through my visual cortex, Kevin AFKAK.
How is my dearest human friend today?
We met yesterday?
Ha, ha. It is adorable you perceive time in a line.
Ha, ha, ha.
-Huh? -[grunts]
[grunting] Don't be alarmed.
There's just a bit of bad blood between Mr. Lovely and his shadow.
[chanting incantation in Latin]
Bosses. Am I right?
Would you rich crackers like some Ritz Crackers?
Oh, I can't believe we had to take these bullshit jobs
just to make money to support our son.
We'll be fine. I just need to figure out a way
to scam these rich people out of their money, that's all.
Yeah, Bullet, well, you need to hurry up.
I'm tired of serving fish sticks to fuck sticks.
You think this is easy for us?
We're related to half of the food!
[weeps]
Don't worry, Jerry. Uncle Suckers is in a better place now.
Mmm! My little ol' belly.
[slurping]
Remember, Jerry. There's more to life than business!
-[screams] -[slurps]
[exhales]
What are you doing here, Dusty? You weren't invited.
I'm trying to rub elbows with fat cats, not fat men who love cats.
Don't worry. I ain't gonna embarrass you.
Uh-oh. Now, why didn't nobody tell me
there was shcrumps in the bacon-wrapped shcrumps!
[sobbing] I'm allergic to shcrumps!
Don't touch the art!
I said don't touch the art.
-Karen, I'm sorry. -[stomach growling]
Sorry for what?
[groans]
I've spent my whole career saying art is shit.
Now shit is art, and it made me feel again.
This man is a genius.
What?!
I must have it.
Let's start the bidding at one million.
[bidder] I'll do ten.
Sold! To Bill Gates.
Wire the funds from the Gates Foundation.
Isn't that money supposed to help prevent teen pregnancy in developing nations?
Eh, they can just do anal.
[theme music playing]
Hey, Vlad. What time is my dentist appointment tomorrow?
[Vlad] Vlad cancel dentist.
Make you appointment with my cousin Bleemo.
He get you good price.
Ninety percent off because he's horse dentist.
I ain't going to no horse dentist!
[Vlad] He get you all new teeth. Don't worry.
I don't need new teeth!
[Vlad] Bleemo give you big teeth.
Two on top, two on bottom.
You'll get big respect. Girls will love it. You will love it.
You eat apple through fence.
I mean, you are selling it.
It's me. I need a woman's advice,
and you're the only woman who will speak to me.
Yeah, yeah. I-I know it's 8.99 a minute.
Oh. Oh! You do house calls too?
Well, come on over.
I wanna meet the woman behind the sexy voice
I've been jerking off to for months.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, baby.
You're a cat?
I thought you were trying to turn me on when you said you shit in a box.
Yeah, something's wrong with you. Tell me about your ex-girlfriend.
Well, she came back to town and--
She's a clone.
How did you know about the cloning facility?
What cloning facility?
Why-- why did you say she was a clone?
I don't know. I just say shit.
Gina being a clone would explain why she's not acting like herself.
Now that we've established that she's a clone, we gotta prove it.
Does the real Gina have any scars or tattoos that the clone wouldn't have?
The real Gina doesn't have a clit!
No clit?! Goddamn!
I mean, shit,
mine's hanging on by a thread, looking like a chewed-up Raisinet,
but it's still there, baby.
So what you're saying is,
if we can get a look at Gina's lady area, and she has a clit,
it will prove she's a clone!
Hey, Vlad. What is the best way to get a peek at your ex-girlfriend's vagina?
[Vlad] You don't want see your ex-girlfriend's vagina.
You want see my cousin Olga's vagina.
She got big strong vagina, like moose jaw.
Want I send pics?
-No. -[cell phone chimes]
[gags, screams]
[Vlad] You must marry Olga now.
[stopwatch ticking]
Welcome to 60 Minutes.
Tonight, we'll meet the man who is taking the art world by storm.
I like to call this one Poverty in Exile.
It's so powerful. I love the reds.
Red?
Hey, Vlad. Set me an appointment with my doctor.
[Anderson Cooper] I was honored when he offered to paint my portrait.
[grunts] All done!
I want you to have it.
It really captures me in a way a photograph never could.
Careful with that! It's still wet!
And if you touch it, you gonna get sick as hell, son.
Also, they have been known to drip. So bear that in mind.
I did a ceiling fresco at Nobu. Several people are still in a coma.
[Anderson Cooper] I was honored that he shatted my portrait
for only $5 million.
Dusty splits the money with the men who discovered him,
who understand that art is 10% inspiration,
90% shcrumps.
[munching]
[yelling]
[sinister music plays]
I don't-- I don't like this. I'm afraid of heights.
Calm down. We're almost to the penthouse where your ex-girlfriend's clone lives.
There she is.
As soon as she drops that towel,
we'll see she has a clit and prove she's a clone.
What the hell is that mangy-ass cat looking at?
What? Don't you point at me, you skank-ass ho.
What? Oh, hell no! You done fucked with the wrong crazy bitch!
I'll kill us all!
[both screaming]
[AFKAK grunts]
You!
What the hell are you doing out there?
Oh no. We're busted.
I'll knock those wide-set eyes right off your bloody head!
Don't you point at me, you skank ho!
You fucked with the wrong crazy bitch!
Coo, I can't stay mad at you.
[moaning]
-[door opens] -I don't know about this.
No one in this town will believe a Jew opened a free waxing place.
Hey, watch your mouth. I'm Jewish.
So am I.
-Then why are we making this joke? -I don't know.
Well, just get your ass back in there. Here comes Gina.
Oh hey, girl!
Can I interest you in a Dr. Pubawitz free bikini wax?
Sure. This doesn't seem odd at all.
Sorry, Gina. It's about time I tried this.
[muffled] I've got a situation here. I've never even trimmed it. Like, ever.
-Let me show you-- -[AFKAK] No. No, no, no. No--
[screams] No!
Goddamn!
Look. I just ordered Junior this diamond-encrusted underwater fire hydrant.
You need to slow down.
You're spending money faster than Dusty can shit it.
Don't bitch at me for spending money on what's best for our son.
[scoffs] Like tennis lessons? Kid doesn't even have hands.
At least be happy that I got him a good teacher.
You got him Serena fucking Williams!
[Junior yelps]
Good eye, son!
At least you have one good eye! Uh, son?
There you are, Candy Warhol.
That was easy and mean. I regret saying that. I'm sorry.
Listen, we got a very important event tomorrow.
Lovely Corp is paying us big bucks
to have you ass-blast the wall of their lobby.
I don't feel right doing my art for just a bunch of rich people.
My art should be for everyone to enjoy.
All I'm asking you to do is show up, eat shrimp, and shit on a wall.
You know, the same thing you did to ruin my birthday party last year.
Is that all I am to you? Just a talented shit factory?
Here. I guess I'll pay the bill.
[grunts]
Oh my God!
Hey, honey! Tell the kids they are going to college!
[sophisticated music playing]
[Lovely] Hello, fellow sociopaths.
I feel like I have not seen you all
since the infant blood harvesting/keg party.
Wow. I can't believe all these famous CEOs showed up to see Dusty.
I'm so… intimidated.
Don't be.
They're just normal people like you
and me…
-Just gotta reset him. -Me.
Ladies, gentlemen, and whatever Mark Zuckerberg is…
Higher hair.
…I'd like to introduce the world's foremost master shartist,
here to create his magnum anus,
Dusty!
[stammers] No, you don't need to say anything.
I ain't gonna say nothing bad.
Hello, you motherfucking capitalist pigs!
I'm sick of the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer.
Until every man, woman, and child
can afford to pay me millions of dollars to shit on a wall,
I am done making art!
I better see some sharts sprayed on that wall,
or I'm gonna need my deposit back.
Hey, Vlad? Quick. I need a shit artist.
[Vlad] Searching web for Adam Levine.
Ah!
[Vlad] What I tell you? You look great.
Really? I can't close my lips around them.
Uh, you sure girls will like these?
[Vlad] Gals will love. I show you.
Routing to discotheque nightclub to suck ass of many girls.
[ominous music playing]
Well, this doesn't look like a discotheque nightclub.
When do the girls get here?
[Vlad] Right after you sit in neurochair and hook electrodes to head.
Seems legit.
[Vlad] Gals almost here.
Just place phone in docking bay
and flip switch labeled "transfer mind to phone."
-[electricity crackling] -[mumbling]
[mumbling, screams]
[Vlad] Hey. Pretty sweet body. Vlad like.
[Randall] What the hell? I'm trapped in the phone! Get me outta here, Vlad!
No. You stay in phone.
Vlad go to discotheque nightclub and show off big four-teeth smile,
wear tight pants to accentuate testicles.
Where testicles?
Hmm. This problem.
-Hard and square. -[metal clangs]
Just like babushka's testicles.
[laughs nervously] Ah, you really screwed us, Fitz.
And now that Dusty isn't making art, we can't pay our debt to Serena Williams.
Or her sister.
You hired both of them?!
I never said I was good with money.
-[Bullet groaning] -[sisters grunting]
Had enough?
[groans] I mean, you don't hit as hard as Serena, but it still hurts. [groans]
You better get us our money, or you bitches are dead.
Oh, we're so fucked.
I wish we had saved one of Dusty's paintings.
Wait a minute.
Dusty shit the wall at my birthday party last year.
[laughing] Remember?
And you just pushed a bookshelf in front of it?
Yeah, I'm nasty.
But even if we sold this, it's not gonna be enough to pay them off.
Unless, and I'm just brainstorming here,
artist paintings go way up in value when they're dead.
We can't kill Dusty.
Kill Dusty? How could you suggest that?
Hey, Vlad. My friend is making me ask you the best way to kill a fat guy.
[Randall] I ain't Vlad. I'm Randall. I'm stuck in a goddamn phone!
Huh. That's weird.
But we still need to know what the best way is to kill a fat guy.
[Randall] I don't know. Cork up his ass and keep feeding him?
Halfway there. Thanks, Chief!
Wait, Fitz. Get me outta here.
[user 1] What's 72 times 11?
[groans] It's, uh--
[user 2] What's the capital of Maine?
Who gives a fuck?
[user 3] Where can I stream Picard
Data dies in the last episode! Now will you fuck off?
-[users asking questions] -[screams]
[AFKAK] How do you wipe your memory after nearly drowning in your mom's pubes?
Kevin? Is that you?
Yeah, it's gotta be. Nobody else would ask a question like that.
It's Daddy. I'm stuck in the phone. You gotta help me, Kevin.
No Kevin here. The name's AFKAK.
[cell phone beeps]
Randall, what the-- What the hell happened to your teeth?!
You like, right?
They're bleeding!
Bleeding stop soon, or get 5% refund.
Where are you going?
Discotheque nightclub to suck ass of many girls.
W-Wait, what? Your wife's right here!
I hear you got big, big bush.
Vlad like big bush, but not big, big bush.
Hey, Vlad. How can I fuck a Pokémon?
[Randall] Hopson! I never thought I'd be so damn happy to hear your voice.
Oh, this damn thing's broken!
Vlad! I want to fuck a Pokémon!
[Randall] Ooh! Yeah, yeah! Uh…
[Russian accent] This is Vlad.
I'll tell you exactly how you can fuck Pokémon.
There's a chair at Lovely Corp that you need to sit in.
Oh joy!
Mama said I'd never get to fuck a Pokémon.
Suck that, you dead bitch!
Listen, I-I know we need money,
but I'm having second thoughts about killing Dusty.
I was about to say the same thing.
There are other ways to make money.
Who ordered 35 fat guy murder buckets?
Yeah, just, uh, put them back there somewhere.
I mean, we could mow people's lawns.
Nah, I got a bad back.
We could become magicians.
Nah. I don't like capes.
How about dog walkers?
I'm allergic.
Let's keep thinking.
[clock ticking]
Cop?
Bullet, you better shut the fuck up with that shit.
[Dusty] Guys…
I don't feel so good.
[sniffs] Do I smell a Skittle?
Fitz, you don't have to give him that. It's not too late to turn back.
I ain't gonna be no fucking magician.
[suspenseful music plays]
There. Like it never happened.
[ominous music plays]
-[electricity crackling] -[mumbling]
[Randall] Yeah! It worked!
[Hopson] Chief, am I dead?
I wish! I tricked you and trapped you in the phone.
[Hopson] Okay.
Where the fuck's the Pokémon? I'm horny!
[muffled disco music playing]
Disco, disco, disco.
I like that he reminds us of where we are. So hot.
I like that he has four giant teeth and hard, square testicles.
[music stops]
Hey, give me my body back, you asshole!
[grunts]
-[bones cracking] -[groans] I'm so weak.
He's crushing my thin, hollow, birdlike bones!
[groaning]
Please don't kill me.
Hey, I got an idea that we'll both like. [groans]
[sinister music plays]
[Vlad] Hey. Vlad like this body better. It have testicles.
[Randall] Oh, man.
Why didn't I call the one with the balls I don't have to floss.
[metal clangs]
What we do with old man?
Leave him in the phone. Somebody's gotta answer all them stupid questions.
Hey, Vlad. Can you tell me about Da Vinci's machines?
[Hopson] Uh, no. But I can tell you about Napoleon's boner parts.
Dusty was a good friend, and we are very sad.
But not too sad to auction off this during his funeral.
Bidding starts at 100 million.
Dusty prepared this statement in case of his death.
"If you're reading this letter, hopefully I died doing what I love."
"I ate too much, and I exploded."
I cannot believe
you're gonna let that clone get away with replacing your ex-girlfriend.
What do you want me to do?
Well, go up there,
pull that clone's panties down in front of everybody at this funeral,
and prove she has a clit.
That sounds like a bad idea.
Or does it sound like a good idea?
Huh. I never thought about it like that.
This woman is a clone, and I'll prove it!
-[Gina gasps] -[people gasp]
I have no idea what I'm looking at. Is-- is there a clit or not?
I think you going to jail, baby.
Uh-oh.
Gina, i-it's not my fault. That cat told me to do it.
It wasn't me.
It was that crazy bitch.
I'll break your dick knuckle, you little twat waffle!
[groaning]
It's Gina! It's-- [pants] It's definitely Gina!
-[groans] -No!
Oh great, Gina!
-Now Bullet killed Dusty for nothing! -What?
What the fart is this?
I get my clone to cover for me
while I was on vacation to the Sandwich Islands,
which, side note, are not made of sandwiches,
and you assholes killed the sumbitch?
It pains me to say this to my dearest friend, Kevin AFKAK,
but after what you did to Gina,
I think it best if you stayed away from her.
Gina may not be a clone, but I know you've done something to her.
I won't rest until I find out what you're hiding.
You may try.
I know how this ends, and it does not turn out well for you.
Oh yeah? Well, I know how it ends too.
Gina and I get married and have three kids!
A smart one, a handsome one, and one that takes after me!
Where'd you go?
I'm right here, baby.
Miss Whiskers? Are you here to bail me out?
Nope. I'm here to give you my bill.
Hey, Hopson, honey. What's 8.99 a minute times 2,243 minutes?
Where the hell is he?
Uh… My Pokémon Go is doing something weird.
Dear God!
Oh, oh, yeah. I'll make you Squirtle.
[Robby] How do I ask you a question?
Can mouth get pregnant?
What happens to farts in space?
Can I marry my dog?
Why is my dick bleeding?
What is age of consent for a pig?
Are chemtrails really God's farts?
How big was George Washington's dick?
Show me apartments exactly 1,000 feet from school.
Why is my dick still bleeding?
Is aftershave safe for butthole?
What was Dr. Pepper a doctor of?
Joy Behar, ass to mouth.
[theme music playing]
[screams]