1
00:00:14,043 --> 00:00:16,584
Hello, everyone.
I've got an announcement to make.
2
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:18,043
[scoffs] Finally.
3
00:00:19,251 --> 00:00:20,751
[party horns blow]
4
00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:22,918
[party music playing]
5
00:00:23,001 --> 00:00:25,084
What? I'm not gay.
6
00:00:25,168 --> 00:00:26,168
That's a relief.
7
00:00:26,251 --> 00:00:31,293
As a family-valued Republican,
I don't condone that lifestyle.
8
00:00:32,251 --> 00:00:35,668
What I was trying to announce
is that I am boycotting Lovely Corp.
9
00:00:35,751 --> 00:00:37,876
I am done using their products!
10
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:41,918
Damn it!
11
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:45,209
Ah, you're just jealous
'cause Charles Lovely stole Gina,
12
00:00:45,293 --> 00:00:48,209
your quote-unquote girlfriend, AFKAK.
13
00:00:48,293 --> 00:00:50,293
I love Lovely Corp products.
14
00:00:50,376 --> 00:00:53,584
I just bought a pair
of Lovely Corp horse detector glasses.
15
00:00:53,668 --> 00:00:55,626
Why would you need horse detector glasses?
16
00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:59,709
Because 98% of Americans
suffer from horse blindness.
17
00:01:00,834 --> 00:01:03,126
Holy shit.
18
00:01:03,209 --> 00:01:06,126
And look at my cool Lovely Corp product.
19
00:01:06,209 --> 00:01:08,043
The Snuggle Me Lovely Doll.
20
00:01:08,126 --> 00:01:09,543
It even talks to me.
21
00:01:10,126 --> 00:01:14,168
[Snuggle Me Lovely Doll] You are
a collection of cells. Nothing more.
22
00:01:14,251 --> 00:01:17,251
I got me a new Lovely Corp insulin pump
23
00:01:17,334 --> 00:01:19,793
slash soft-serve machine.
24
00:01:22,418 --> 00:01:23,709
Can I have a cone?
25
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,709
Get your own damn diabetes!
26
00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,459
-[device beeps]
-[electricity crackles]
27
00:01:27,543 --> 00:01:31,584
Oh yeah, I'd love to buy useless crap too,
but I can't, on account that I'm a dog.
28
00:01:31,668 --> 00:01:32,751
Also, I'm broke,
29
00:01:32,834 --> 00:01:35,543
because the only job for dogs
in this town is being an art model.
30
00:01:36,626 --> 00:01:38,668
Hey! Think you can hurry up?
31
00:01:38,751 --> 00:01:39,834
[mutters]
32
00:01:40,418 --> 00:01:41,584
Almost done.
33
00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:47,126
What? You all thought
it was funny when Dusty did it!
34
00:01:47,209 --> 00:01:48,793
Man, being a dog sucks.
35
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,043
I can't even buy booze
because I'm only seven,
36
00:01:51,126 --> 00:01:53,293
and by the time I turn 21, I'll be dead.
37
00:01:53,376 --> 00:01:56,251
And really, there's not even,
like, a single difference between me
38
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,668
and anyone else in this…
39
00:01:57,751 --> 00:02:01,001
Fuck you! Fuck you, vacuum cleaner!
Suck my dick! I fucking hate you!
40
00:02:01,084 --> 00:02:03,626
…room. Not a single thing different.
41
00:02:04,293 --> 00:02:06,293
Hey, check this out, AFKAK.
42
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,584
It's the Lovely Corp Glory Wormhole.
43
00:02:09,668 --> 00:02:11,001
For when you hate to travel,
44
00:02:11,084 --> 00:02:15,084
but still got a hankering
for some good ol' alien cock.
45
00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:17,293
Step one, find a wall.
46
00:02:18,001 --> 00:02:20,126
Step two, remove your teeth.
47
00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:22,376
-Step--
-[remote beeps]
48
00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:25,543
And I got the Lovely Corp
Old People Mute Button.
49
00:02:25,626 --> 00:02:26,751
It also works on grandmas
50
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:29,168
who won't shut the fuck up
about me finding a church.
51
00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:31,959
One minute, I'm threatening
to smother Hopson in his sleep,
52
00:02:32,043 --> 00:02:36,626
and like magic, an ad for the Old People
Mute Button popped up on my phone.
53
00:02:36,709 --> 00:02:39,293
That's because the Lovely Phones
are listening to everything you say
54
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,459
and serving you targeted ads.
55
00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:44,793
You sound like one of those
conspiracy wackjobs. Phones don't do that.
56
00:02:44,876 --> 00:02:48,376
[game music playing]
57
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:53,293
[ad] Are you a dog who needs a job
where you get paid to take drugs?
58
00:02:53,376 --> 00:02:55,251
Hello, C story.
59
00:02:56,126 --> 00:02:58,084
Hey, you diaper dickhead.
60
00:02:58,168 --> 00:03:00,459
Where the hell do you think
you're taking that mattress?
61
00:03:00,543 --> 00:03:04,626
Oh, I'm just moving into your office.
You know, 'cause you'll be dead tomorrow.
62
00:03:04,709 --> 00:03:07,584
Oh, what do you mean
I'll be dead tomorrow?
63
00:03:07,668 --> 00:03:11,168
You don't know about the Crawford curse?
64
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:15,793
Two hundred years ago, on this very day,
65
00:03:15,876 --> 00:03:21,001
your ancestor Claudius Crawford
burned 100 witches at the stake.
66
00:03:21,084 --> 00:03:24,793
But not before they cast
the Crawford curse.
67
00:03:24,876 --> 00:03:29,334
At the age of 50,
every Crawford drops dead.
68
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,376
Hey, we do all die at 50.
69
00:03:31,459 --> 00:03:34,626
I thought it was because
we push down the feels and we're all fat.
70
00:03:34,709 --> 00:03:38,543
No. It's the Crawford curse.
71
00:03:38,626 --> 00:03:39,459
Look.
72
00:03:40,126 --> 00:03:41,709
[solemn music plays]
73
00:03:41,793 --> 00:03:45,709
Whoa! They all died
on the same date, and it's tomorrow!
74
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,376
Oh shit. I gotta reverse that curse!
75
00:03:48,459 --> 00:03:51,876
Well, you could try talking
to the last living witch in town.
76
00:03:51,959 --> 00:03:56,626
She can be found at the edge
of Paradise, in the Bewitched Caves.
77
00:03:56,709 --> 00:03:59,001
I better get there quick. Thanks, Hopson.
78
00:04:01,543 --> 00:04:04,168
-Hyah!
-[hooves gaiting]
79
00:04:04,251 --> 00:04:07,501
[theme music playing]
80
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,834
[sinister music plays]
81
00:04:15,793 --> 00:04:16,626
Oh yeah.
82
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:19,876
The Macho Man took a look at the books,
83
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:23,876
and he is concerned
about the amount of money, yeah,
84
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,126
Lovely Corp has wasted.
85
00:04:26,209 --> 00:04:30,793
I for one only spend money
on bare necessities.
86
00:04:30,876 --> 00:04:34,168
Like this $300,000 levitating levi-table.
87
00:04:34,251 --> 00:04:36,126
It's just a regular table.
88
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:39,251
Ah. It looks like a regular table.
89
00:04:39,334 --> 00:04:43,001
I had them add legs!
It looked weird without the legs.
90
00:04:43,084 --> 00:04:47,501
Yeah. Macho Man was up
all night making slides,
91
00:04:47,584 --> 00:04:50,751
and Mr. Lovely
isn't even paying attention.
92
00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:53,793
He's got no pulse!
93
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,251
So at least that's normal.
94
00:04:55,334 --> 00:05:00,209
[screaming]
95
00:05:01,418 --> 00:05:06,418
Pardon me. I was on a conference call
in the ethereal plane.
96
00:05:06,501 --> 00:05:09,834
I have learned
that before this day is done,
97
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:13,709
someone in my company will betray me.
98
00:05:14,251 --> 00:05:15,959
I'll bet it's Gary!
99
00:05:16,043 --> 00:05:17,876
What? What are you basing that on?
100
00:05:17,959 --> 00:05:20,584
Yesterday, when we were pissing
next to each other,
101
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:24,293
you got all "nervous"
'cause I kept looking at your tallywacker.
102
00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:27,126
What are you hiding, Gary?
Let's see that dick!
103
00:05:27,209 --> 00:05:29,918
Let's not jump to conclusions.
104
00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:32,209
Thester, Gina.
105
00:05:32,293 --> 00:05:37,334
I want you to root out this mole
and bring him before me.
106
00:05:37,418 --> 00:05:40,501
Mind if we get back to business?
107
00:05:40,584 --> 00:05:42,876
Starting over. Oh yeah.
108
00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:47,001
They say wrestling is fake,
but this guy is real
109
00:05:47,084 --> 00:05:47,918
boring!
110
00:05:48,001 --> 00:05:49,668
Ah!
111
00:05:49,751 --> 00:05:53,834
I've been given a seat
at the table, and I plan to use it.
112
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:57,668
[Thester groaning]
113
00:05:57,751 --> 00:05:59,376
Good thing wrestling is fake,
114
00:05:59,459 --> 00:06:01,584
or that could have caused
a lot of brain dar--
115
00:06:01,668 --> 00:06:04,084
Dar, dar, dar…
116
00:06:04,168 --> 00:06:06,168
[anxious music playing]
117
00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:10,126
Is your name The Witch?
118
00:06:10,209 --> 00:06:11,251
Yes.
119
00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:13,001
Ha ha! Melt, cunt!
120
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:19,001
Okay. I-I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot. [chuckles]
121
00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:20,459
Anyway, I need a favor.
122
00:06:20,543 --> 00:06:23,001
I need you to lift that Crawford curse.
123
00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:25,918
-No.
-Please! I don't wanna die!
124
00:06:26,001 --> 00:06:28,918
Just lift the curse! I'll do anything!
125
00:06:29,001 --> 00:06:30,626
I will lift the curse
126
00:06:30,709 --> 00:06:36,126
if you bring me
the single thing that I desire.
127
00:06:36,209 --> 00:06:40,543
But it is the rarest of the rare.
128
00:06:41,126 --> 00:06:45,209
Are you familiar with the movie…
129
00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:46,251
Cats?
130
00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:47,959
Uh, yeah.
131
00:06:48,043 --> 00:06:53,251
Well, legend has it
that a version of the movie exists
132
00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:57,751
where all the cats have exposed buttholes!
133
00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,001
[squeals]
134
00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:01,626
It must be mine.
135
00:07:01,709 --> 00:07:04,501
You want the Butt Cut of Cats. All right.
136
00:07:04,584 --> 00:07:06,959
I thought it was gonna be
something weird and random.
137
00:07:07,043 --> 00:07:09,834
Don't worry, lady. I won't let you down.
138
00:07:11,709 --> 00:07:13,168
Ha ha! Melt, cunt!
139
00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:17,209
Well, nice meetin' ya.
140
00:07:20,418 --> 00:07:23,334
Bullet, welcome to your new job.
141
00:07:23,418 --> 00:07:26,126
Animal testing experimental drugs.
142
00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:29,043
You'll take a series of different drugs
over the next two weeks
143
00:07:29,126 --> 00:07:30,834
to check for side effects.
144
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,626
Two weeks? Pfft. Just do them all today.
145
00:07:33,709 --> 00:07:36,751
You can handle 14 drugs in one day?
146
00:07:36,834 --> 00:07:39,126
I got 14 drugs up my ass right now, buddy.
147
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:42,293
You know,
that's my favorite Miley Cyrus song.
148
00:07:42,376 --> 00:07:43,584
Let's get started.
149
00:07:43,668 --> 00:07:45,709
This pill clears up dandruff.
150
00:07:45,793 --> 00:07:49,251
Rate the side effect severity
on a scale of one to ten.
151
00:07:53,126 --> 00:07:53,959
I'ma say two.
152
00:07:59,584 --> 00:08:02,168
Wow! My restless legs have cleared up.
153
00:08:02,251 --> 00:08:03,501
I'll give that a check mark.
154
00:08:08,709 --> 00:08:10,668
This one? This one didn't do anything.
155
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,834
I've got a bit of dry mouth.
156
00:08:15,876 --> 00:08:21,918
[snickering]
157
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,543
All right, enough dicking around.
Where's the good shit?
158
00:08:24,626 --> 00:08:27,668
We do have one more drug,
but it's never been tested before, and--
159
00:08:27,751 --> 00:08:29,959
Yeah, whatever.
I'll call you if anything happens.
160
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:31,793
I gotta go score some drugs.
161
00:08:31,876 --> 00:08:34,834
Hey! Can we stop for boba?
162
00:08:34,918 --> 00:08:37,834
♪ I'm in the mood for boba ♪
163
00:08:39,334 --> 00:08:41,251
[anxious music playing]
164
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:45,834
[teeth grinding, chattering]
165
00:08:50,418 --> 00:08:54,793
Time to get some dirt on Charles Lovely.
166
00:08:54,876 --> 00:08:55,918
No results?
167
00:08:56,001 --> 00:08:59,293
All right. Let's try Chuck Lovely.
168
00:08:59,376 --> 00:09:01,876
Oh my God. This guy's a monster!
169
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,876
Hey, Kevin. You typed "Chuck Lorre."
170
00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:04,918
[cell phone chimes]
171
00:09:05,418 --> 00:09:07,334
It's a text from a blocked number.
172
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:11,543
"I just heard through your phone
that you want dirt on Charles Lovely."
173
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:14,959
"Meet me on the roof
of Lovely Corp at midnight."
174
00:09:15,043 --> 00:09:15,876
Yes!
175
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:18,001
I guess privacy is overrated.
176
00:09:18,084 --> 00:09:21,168
Maybe they were too hard on Zuckerberg
at the congressional hearings.
177
00:09:21,251 --> 00:09:22,626
Mr. Zuckerberg,
178
00:09:22,709 --> 00:09:27,126
how do you respond to the accusations
that your website spreads disinformation
179
00:09:27,209 --> 00:09:29,543
and is actively destroying our democracy?
180
00:09:30,376 --> 00:09:33,418
[inaudible dialogue]
181
00:09:35,543 --> 00:09:36,793
Higher hair, please.
182
00:09:37,418 --> 00:09:38,501
I see.
183
00:09:38,584 --> 00:09:40,251
Well, I for one
184
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:42,168
am satisfied with that answer.
185
00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:45,876
Good morning, mi broz-a-mundos. [chuckles]
186
00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:47,793
These are getting hard to come up with.
187
00:09:47,876 --> 00:09:48,709
Where's Bullet?
188
00:09:48,793 --> 00:09:50,334
I think he's still sleeping.
189
00:09:50,418 --> 00:09:52,834
Bullet! Get your drug-filled ass out here.
190
00:09:54,251 --> 00:09:55,668
[shudders] Cold in here.
191
00:09:57,293 --> 00:09:59,793
It's a leprechaun! Kill that motherfucker!
192
00:10:00,376 --> 00:10:01,793
Ha ha! Melt, cunt!
193
00:10:02,793 --> 00:10:04,376
Hey, man! What's your problem?
194
00:10:04,459 --> 00:10:06,209
Bullet? Is that you?
195
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:11,709
Holy shit! That pill turned me human!
This is awesome!
196
00:10:11,793 --> 00:10:14,834
What's awesome about it?
You're a creepy little man.
197
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:17,626
You look like the voice
of Comedy Central or some shit.
198
00:10:17,709 --> 00:10:19,418
Hey. Cut it out with that shit.
199
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:21,876
At least I'll finally get some respect
around here now.
200
00:10:21,959 --> 00:10:23,709
Nope. You're out of the Brozone.
201
00:10:23,793 --> 00:10:27,501
We need a party dog, not a guy
that looks like he believes in ghosts.
202
00:10:27,584 --> 00:10:30,251
Fine. I'll leave right after breakfast.
203
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:31,751
You can't do that!
204
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:34,001
Why not? I can finally see my veins.
205
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:37,251
Nobody wants to see
a scumbag munchkin do heroin.
206
00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:40,293
Yeah, we like to see a cute dog do heroin.
207
00:10:40,376 --> 00:10:43,251
Sometimes you'd have
a adorable little seizure
208
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:45,626
with little puppy foam
coming out of your mouth.
209
00:10:45,709 --> 00:10:49,793
Get outta here! Go bake cookies
in a tree or something, you fucking elf.
210
00:10:49,876 --> 00:10:52,001
Yeah! And you better not come back.
211
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:53,668
Without them fucking cookies.
212
00:10:53,751 --> 00:10:57,793
Huh. I feel like there was something
I was supposed to do today.
213
00:10:57,876 --> 00:11:00,918
Remember? You're supposed
to get the Butt Cut of Cats,
214
00:11:01,001 --> 00:11:02,751
or you gonna die in seven hours!
215
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:05,793
Oh! Shit, right!
H-How do I keep getting distracted?
216
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:07,334
[AFKAK screams]
217
00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:09,001
There's gotta be answers online.
218
00:11:09,084 --> 00:11:11,209
Google! Uh, what was I looking up again?
219
00:11:11,293 --> 00:11:14,584
Oh yeah. "How much does Joe Pesci weigh?"
220
00:11:14,668 --> 00:11:15,876
Randall, focus.
221
00:11:15,959 --> 00:11:17,793
I can help you find that Butt Cut.
222
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:21,043
I happen to have Hollywood connections.
223
00:11:21,126 --> 00:11:23,459
Shut up, Dusty.
I'm looking up something important.
224
00:11:23,543 --> 00:11:27,043
"Do ladybugs have clits?"
225
00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:29,084
Nope. They do not. Okay.
226
00:11:29,168 --> 00:11:31,959
"Do tarantulas have clits?"
227
00:11:32,043 --> 00:11:34,001
Chief, come on! You're gonna die!
228
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:38,876
I need to know!
I need to know if tarantulas have clits!
229
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,876
[sinister music plays]
230
00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:44,959
-[groans]
-Are you the mole?
231
00:11:45,043 --> 00:11:46,751
[sobs] No.
232
00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:48,126
Are you the mole?
233
00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:50,126
Okay, okay. I'll admit it.
234
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,251
I'm a small subterranean mammal.
235
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:55,584
I dug up your garden,
and I'll do it again!
236
00:11:55,668 --> 00:11:57,501
[chittering]
237
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,584
Shit. I think I hit him too hard.
238
00:11:59,668 --> 00:12:01,209
Ugh. This is going nowhere.
239
00:12:01,293 --> 00:12:04,668
[Thester] Tell me about it.
I didn't find a thing in the men's room.
240
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,334
But don't worry.
241
00:12:06,418 --> 00:12:11,293
I'll have the low-level employees
spilling their guts in no time.
242
00:12:11,376 --> 00:12:15,751
I'm gonna go undercover
as one of them and earn their trust.
243
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:20,418
I just need to look the part
of the modern working man.
244
00:12:21,418 --> 00:12:24,626
'Ello, guvnahs. I'm Nigel Steamwhistle.
245
00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:29,626
I work here at Lovely Corp,
and I'm a poor, just like you.
246
00:12:29,709 --> 00:12:31,293
I make 100 grand a year.
247
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:34,959
♪ It's hard to be poor
In this day and age ♪
248
00:12:35,043 --> 00:12:38,626
♪ Half a tuppence every fortnight
Hardly a living wage ♪
249
00:12:38,709 --> 00:12:42,709
♪ We can't afford our bangers
And we can't afford our mash ♪
250
00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:47,251
♪ The only thing we get to eat's
A belly full of ash ♪
251
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,209
♪ Why? ♪
252
00:12:48,293 --> 00:12:50,793
♪ 'Cause we're all chimney sweeps ♪
253
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:52,793
♪ We're all chimney sweeps ♪
254
00:12:52,876 --> 00:12:56,376
♪ It's correct to assume
That we clean chimneys with a broom ♪
255
00:12:56,459 --> 00:13:00,168
♪ We're all chimney sweeps
Yeah! We're all chimney sweeps ♪
256
00:13:00,251 --> 00:13:03,334
[chimney-sweep scatting]
257
00:13:03,418 --> 00:13:05,751
[chuckling] Wait.
Do you think we're chimney sweeps?
258
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:09,209
Uh…
259
00:13:09,293 --> 00:13:10,126
Yes?
260
00:13:10,209 --> 00:13:12,084
[laughs] Where do you think
you are, buddy?
261
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:13,668
Chimney sweeps are on the third floor.
262
00:13:14,918 --> 00:13:16,251
[elevator dings]
263
00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:18,251
♪ We're all chimney sweeps! ♪
264
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:21,543
[all chimney-sweep scatting]
265
00:13:24,376 --> 00:13:27,418
Dusty! Good to see you,
you old fat person, you.
266
00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:30,001
Did you know
this guy lost Disney $14 million
267
00:13:30,084 --> 00:13:31,709
on a mindless, idiotic reboot?
268
00:13:31,793 --> 00:13:32,793
Wow.
269
00:13:32,876 --> 00:13:33,834
I know, right?
270
00:13:33,918 --> 00:13:36,251
Best damn TV exec Disney ever had.
271
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:38,793
Lucky for me,
I just landed this job at NBC Streaming
272
00:13:38,876 --> 00:13:40,501
after I got fired from the Mouse
273
00:13:40,584 --> 00:13:44,043
for accidentally saying the word "gay"
in Florida. Whoops. [chuckles]
274
00:13:44,126 --> 00:13:46,584
Listen, we gotta tell you
about a witch's curse
275
00:13:46,668 --> 00:13:50,876
that can only be broken
by Cats with exposed buttholes.
276
00:13:50,959 --> 00:13:54,251
I'll buy it. Can Zendaya play the witch?
277
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,418
We're not pitching a show, asshole!
278
00:13:56,501 --> 00:13:59,584
This is life or death!
We need the Butt Cut of Cats!
279
00:13:59,668 --> 00:14:01,209
The Butt Cut of Cats?
280
00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:04,501
[laughing] That's an urban legend.
It doesn't exist.
281
00:14:04,584 --> 00:14:08,709
Now excuse me. We're relaunching Peacock
because nobody noticed the first time.
282
00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:11,001
Three, two, one…
283
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,334
We're live!
284
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,293
And we folded.
285
00:14:15,084 --> 00:14:16,001
[cell phone rings]
286
00:14:16,668 --> 00:14:19,626
Why, yes. I am available to fail upwards.
287
00:14:19,709 --> 00:14:21,793
Head of Warner Brothers? Sounds great.
288
00:14:21,876 --> 00:14:23,876
Since I no longer work here,
I'll shoot you straight.
289
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:27,751
The Butt Cut does exist,
but to find it, you'll have to see--
290
00:14:29,126 --> 00:14:32,043
[menacing music plays]
291
00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:35,626
Find the fat, annoying one.
292
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,084
[squeals]
293
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,834
[both] James Corden?!
294
00:14:38,918 --> 00:14:41,959
Well, I'm off to my job
as head of Warner Brothers.
295
00:14:42,043 --> 00:14:43,584
Hey, you forgot your brain.
296
00:14:43,668 --> 00:14:46,418
[laughs] I won't be needing that.
297
00:14:46,501 --> 00:14:48,501
[whimsical music playing]
298
00:14:52,418 --> 00:14:54,584
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
299
00:14:54,668 --> 00:14:57,709
I do this every day.
Don't worry. Calm down. [chuckles]
300
00:14:57,793 --> 00:14:58,668
I'm gonna eat it.
301
00:14:58,751 --> 00:15:00,084
[homeowner] Get him, boy. Sic him.
302
00:15:00,168 --> 00:15:02,043
[barking]
303
00:15:02,126 --> 00:15:05,501
Phil! No, no! It's me! It's Bullet!
I sniffed your ass yesterday!
304
00:15:07,251 --> 00:15:08,418
That'll be ten bucks.
305
00:15:08,501 --> 00:15:10,251
Well, I don't have ten bucks.
306
00:15:10,334 --> 00:15:12,126
But I do have these.
307
00:15:12,209 --> 00:15:14,043
[whining]
308
00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:17,459
This leprechaun refused to pay,
and he tried to give me a blow job.
309
00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,668
What? I didn't try to give you a blow job!
310
00:15:19,751 --> 00:15:21,043
Yes, you did.
311
00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:24,001
You gave me those blow-job eyes.
I've seen them before.
312
00:15:24,084 --> 00:15:26,001
Hey, Hopson. Meet me in the alley in five.
313
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:32,584
[laughs] Yeah! They never let me
in this porno theater when I was a dog.
314
00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:34,209
Ooh, this is getting hot.
315
00:15:36,251 --> 00:15:38,709
Aw, what the hell?
I can't even lick my own crank!
316
00:15:40,543 --> 00:15:41,959
No, Hopson. No!
317
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:43,876
[talk show music plays]
318
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:46,584
Hello! I'm James Corden!
319
00:15:46,668 --> 00:15:47,793
Please love me.
320
00:15:47,876 --> 00:15:49,376
I'll sing! I'll dance!
321
00:15:49,459 --> 00:15:53,168
You can even put cigarettes out on me,
as long as you love me!
322
00:15:53,251 --> 00:15:56,126
Anyway, tonight's guests
are Chris Hemsworth
323
00:15:56,209 --> 00:15:58,251
and Liam Hemsworth.
324
00:15:58,334 --> 00:15:59,876
[talk show music plays]
325
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,709
[audience applauding]
326
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:03,959
How are you guys doing?
327
00:16:04,043 --> 00:16:06,876
I'm just over here being the hot one.
328
00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:09,168
No, the hot one is me!
329
00:16:09,251 --> 00:16:10,418
Bro fight!
330
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:12,459
Who wants to see us make out?
331
00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:14,209
No! No!
332
00:16:14,293 --> 00:16:18,043
So, what are you two here promoting?
333
00:16:18,126 --> 00:16:20,876
I got a new, uh… Thor movie.
334
00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:23,543
And I've got herpes from Hannah Montana.
335
00:16:23,626 --> 00:16:25,626
[laughing]
336
00:16:30,751 --> 00:16:32,209
[laughing continues]
337
00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:38,001
[laughing continues]
338
00:16:39,543 --> 00:16:42,918
[laughing slowing down]
339
00:16:43,418 --> 00:16:44,418
Enough of this shit!
340
00:16:44,501 --> 00:16:47,501
Corden, tell me
where the Butt Cut is, or I'll kill ya!
341
00:16:47,584 --> 00:16:49,168
You think I fear death?
342
00:16:49,251 --> 00:16:52,709
If I die, I won't have
to be James Corden anymore.
343
00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:56,834
Maybe I'll come back as a tampon.
Something someone needs!
344
00:16:56,918 --> 00:16:58,209
Fine. How's about this?
345
00:16:58,293 --> 00:16:59,626
You tell me where it is,
346
00:16:59,709 --> 00:17:02,834
and I'll give you a hug
and tell you you're a good singer.
347
00:17:02,918 --> 00:17:06,543
D-Daddy needs it! Daddy must have it!
Piggie wanna suckle!
348
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,918
Okay, the Butt Cut is hidden.
It's in Peru.
349
00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:11,501
Where in Peru? Is there a map?
350
00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:15,376
Yes. But they hid it in the one place
no one would dare to look.
351
00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:17,834
It's there.
352
00:17:17,918 --> 00:17:19,334
Put it away! Put it away!
353
00:17:19,418 --> 00:17:23,126
Well, if you wanna find the Butt Cut,
you'll have to take me with you.
354
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,834
♪ Someone finally loves me! ♪
355
00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:29,501
♪ Carpooling with my new friends! ♪
356
00:17:29,584 --> 00:17:32,501
♪ We're all on an adventure! ♪
357
00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:34,793
♪ And we'll be best friends to the en-- ♪
358
00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:42,251
Even this map
feels like it's trying too hard.
359
00:17:45,084 --> 00:17:48,126
I can't believe that being a human
is even worse than being a dog.
360
00:17:48,209 --> 00:17:49,543
Being a human is great.
361
00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:52,334
I'll teach you all the cool stuff
about being a human.
362
00:17:52,418 --> 00:17:55,251
Humans get to spend
a lot of time here at the gym.
363
00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:56,668
Because when a human gets fat,
364
00:17:56,751 --> 00:17:59,251
people hate you
and think you're disgusting.
365
00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:02,584
Humans get to do this thing called taxes.
366
00:18:02,668 --> 00:18:04,959
It's a fun game
we play with the government.
367
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:08,418
They know how much you owe them,
but they want you to guess.
368
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:09,876
What do you get if you guess right?
369
00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:12,584
You get to give them
a third of your salary.
370
00:18:12,668 --> 00:18:14,043
And if you guess wrong?
371
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,751
They put your human ass in prison.
372
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:21,126
All humans have a little friend
inside of them. It's called guilt.
373
00:18:21,209 --> 00:18:24,501
That little friend will have you attending
a lot of shitty one-act plays,
374
00:18:24,584 --> 00:18:25,584
escape rooms,
375
00:18:25,668 --> 00:18:28,126
and weddings for people you can't stand.
376
00:18:28,209 --> 00:18:30,001
And after spending half your paycheck
377
00:18:30,084 --> 00:18:32,709
flying to Des Moines
and buying an expensive gift,
378
00:18:32,793 --> 00:18:34,168
you still get asked…
379
00:18:34,251 --> 00:18:36,001
Why aren't you dancing?
380
00:18:36,084 --> 00:18:40,709
Humans get to spend a lot of time
acting like they're reading a cereal box,
381
00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:44,751
but they're really thinking
about the sweet release of death.
382
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:46,293
Fitz, you-- you feeling okay?
383
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,209
Oh, that's right. [chuckles]
384
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,126
Humans are supposed to feel!
385
00:18:50,209 --> 00:18:54,293
But be careful. If you don't feel enough,
they'll send you to a special school.
386
00:18:54,376 --> 00:18:56,959
If you feel too much,
they'll lock you up forever…
387
00:18:57,043 --> 00:19:00,334
[laughing maniacally] …in a padded room.
388
00:19:00,418 --> 00:19:02,418
And with that,
I think I'm gonna go to the lab
389
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:05,251
and try to get an antidote
to turn me back into a dog.
390
00:19:06,126 --> 00:19:10,043
You sure? I was about to show you
how humans get to watch James Corden.
391
00:19:10,126 --> 00:19:12,251
Look. Somebody cut his tits off.
392
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:16,334
That's a fun new bit.
[chuckles unenthusiastically]
393
00:19:16,418 --> 00:19:18,918
[jungle music plays]
394
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:22,751
We went up the treasure trail,
took a left at the hairy cancer mole,
395
00:19:22,834 --> 00:19:27,168
crossed the hive-covered bitch tit,
across the river of dried gravy.
396
00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:29,293
We almost up to the nipple temple.
397
00:19:30,251 --> 00:19:31,751
[suspenseful music playing]
398
00:19:35,376 --> 00:19:36,751
We need to be careful.
399
00:19:36,834 --> 00:19:41,251
These places are usually rigged
with booby traps. So don't touch anything!
400
00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:42,501
Wonder what this does.
401
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:43,751
No! Dusty, don't!
402
00:19:44,418 --> 00:19:45,543
[groans]
403
00:19:45,626 --> 00:19:47,418
Maybe it goes this way.
404
00:19:48,293 --> 00:19:49,126
[Randall] Ow!
405
00:19:50,876 --> 00:19:54,543
I'ma pull it again. 'Cause I'm bad.
406
00:19:55,668 --> 00:19:56,793
[clown horn honks]
407
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,459
[groans]
408
00:19:58,543 --> 00:20:01,626
Quit messing around!
I'm trying to save your damn life!
409
00:20:04,293 --> 00:20:05,376
Leave this to me.
410
00:20:05,459 --> 00:20:08,334
[legally distinct
tomb-raiding music playing]
411
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,251
Huh? Since when do you carry a whip?
412
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,418
Whip? That's Fruit by the Foot.
413
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:15,584
-[both scream, groan]
-[bodies thud]
414
00:20:15,668 --> 00:20:17,001
[animals squeaking]
415
00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:17,918
Tarantulas.
416
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:21,376
Why'd you pull me off Google before
I could find out if they have clits?
417
00:20:21,459 --> 00:20:23,209
What the hell good would that do?
418
00:20:23,293 --> 00:20:26,626
I could pleasure them all orally,
and they'd be so relaxed
419
00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:28,668
that we could crawl outta here.
420
00:20:28,751 --> 00:20:30,584
Screw it. I'm just gonna do it anyway.
421
00:20:30,668 --> 00:20:34,418
[tongue wiggling]
422
00:20:37,293 --> 00:20:38,709
I think one of them liked it.
423
00:20:38,793 --> 00:20:41,209
[woman] You're not getting that movie!
424
00:20:42,459 --> 00:20:45,918
It's Rebel Wilson! Run for your life!
425
00:20:47,251 --> 00:20:49,001
[tense music playing]
426
00:20:49,084 --> 00:20:51,293
We ain't gonna make it!
427
00:20:51,376 --> 00:20:52,793
Oh, the hell we're not.
428
00:20:56,418 --> 00:20:58,334
[hooves gaiting]
429
00:21:03,668 --> 00:21:05,584
-[Randall grunting]
-[body squishes]
430
00:21:05,668 --> 00:21:08,501
No! Oh, my poor horse is getting crushed!
431
00:21:08,584 --> 00:21:13,168
Oh God, it's terrible!
There's horse guts everywhere!
432
00:21:15,418 --> 00:21:16,793
Oh. That's better.
433
00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:18,918
[eerie music playing]
434
00:21:19,001 --> 00:21:20,584
What the hell?
435
00:21:26,251 --> 00:21:27,209
Hey, Doc.
436
00:21:27,293 --> 00:21:28,959
[screams] Leprechaun!
437
00:21:29,043 --> 00:21:30,043
Melt, cunt!
438
00:21:30,543 --> 00:21:32,334
[groans] It's me, Bullet!
439
00:21:32,418 --> 00:21:34,959
Listen, that pill you gave me
had a pretty big side effect.
440
00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:37,918
It turned me human!
I need an antidote to switch back.
441
00:21:38,001 --> 00:21:41,084
Oh, Bullet. That's no side effect.
442
00:21:41,168 --> 00:21:44,501
The drug did exactly
what it was supposed to do.
443
00:21:44,584 --> 00:21:49,334
Rid the world of dogs
by turning them all human!
444
00:21:49,418 --> 00:21:52,209
That sounds like a plan
that a cat would come up with.
445
00:21:52,293 --> 00:21:53,501
Wait a second.
446
00:21:53,584 --> 00:21:55,209
Is that your saucer of milk?
447
00:21:55,293 --> 00:21:56,668
[hisses]
448
00:21:56,751 --> 00:21:58,376
You got me.
449
00:21:58,459 --> 00:22:01,626
I tested that drug on myself first.
450
00:22:01,709 --> 00:22:05,876
When all you dogs are living out
your miserable human lives,
451
00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:09,834
I'll safely turn myself
back into a cat with this!
452
00:22:09,918 --> 00:22:13,834
Once there are no more barking assholes
to chase me into the street.
453
00:22:13,918 --> 00:22:16,709
Well, this is dumb.
But I'll bet it's about to get dumber.
454
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:23,043
The war between cats and dogs
has been going on since the dawn of time.
455
00:22:23,126 --> 00:22:24,251
Uh-huh.
456
00:22:24,334 --> 00:22:28,084
But it was a clean fight
until the dogs did the unthinkable!
457
00:22:28,168 --> 00:22:29,251
Oh, did they now?
458
00:22:29,334 --> 00:22:34,918
Something that would turn
every creature on earth against our kind.
459
00:22:35,001 --> 00:22:39,043
They made the movie Cats!
460
00:22:44,543 --> 00:22:46,334
Looking for this?
461
00:22:47,709 --> 00:22:51,168
Yeah, but it's been a long day.
So please don't bother explaining--
462
00:22:51,251 --> 00:22:52,876
When we produced this film…
463
00:22:52,959 --> 00:22:53,918
Fuck me.
464
00:22:54,001 --> 00:22:57,001
…we thought the buttholes
would be more embarrassing for the cats.
465
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:59,001
But it actually made the movie better!
466
00:22:59,084 --> 00:23:01,793
So we hid it away. Here.
467
00:23:01,876 --> 00:23:03,834
Ha! I'll be taking that.
468
00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:06,668
[Dusty] Not so fast, Randall.
469
00:23:06,751 --> 00:23:08,459
I'll be taking that.
470
00:23:08,543 --> 00:23:10,126
I'm working for the cats.
471
00:23:10,209 --> 00:23:11,376
What cats?
472
00:23:12,543 --> 00:23:13,918
Not so fast.
473
00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:16,584
I'll be taking that.
474
00:23:16,668 --> 00:23:18,459
What the hell are you doing here?
475
00:23:18,543 --> 00:23:20,334
And why does a witch need a gun?
476
00:23:20,418 --> 00:23:23,126
Looks like we all gonna die today.
477
00:23:23,209 --> 00:23:27,709
Or we could just release the movie
so everyone gets to enjoy it.
478
00:23:28,793 --> 00:23:30,251
Well, that works for me.
479
00:23:30,334 --> 00:23:35,543
I made up the curse 'cause I wanted
to see Ian McKellen's asshole. Again.
480
00:23:35,626 --> 00:23:38,251
Hopson! I'm gonna kill you!
481
00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:41,293
-What the--
-[body thuds]
482
00:23:42,918 --> 00:23:45,501
Fuck! I killed another horse!
483
00:23:48,168 --> 00:23:51,418
Excellent, Dusty.
You retrieved the Butt Cut.
484
00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:54,876
Now people finally
will be able to enjoy that movie!
485
00:23:54,959 --> 00:23:57,668
What a great victory for cats everywhere!
486
00:23:59,334 --> 00:24:01,376
-[barking]
-[hisses]
487
00:24:01,459 --> 00:24:02,834
[barking]
488
00:24:04,293 --> 00:24:07,084
[cat groaning]
489
00:24:08,209 --> 00:24:11,459
♪ That dude was weird! ♪
490
00:24:11,543 --> 00:24:13,459
[eerie music playing]
491
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:21,168
Who are you?
492
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:24,126
Let's just say
I'm definitely not the skeleton
493
00:24:24,209 --> 00:24:27,334
of the "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Oh yeah.
494
00:24:27,418 --> 00:24:30,501
I've been looking
into Lovely Corp's finances
495
00:24:30,584 --> 00:24:33,209
and discovered something very disturbing.
496
00:24:33,293 --> 00:24:34,168
It's all here.
497
00:24:34,793 --> 00:24:40,793
Charles Lovely is planning something
called "The Eternal Reckoning." Oh yeah.
498
00:24:40,876 --> 00:24:43,043
What's "The Eternal Reckoning Oh Yeah"?
499
00:24:43,126 --> 00:24:46,834
No. It's not "The Eternal Reckoning
Oh Yeah." Oh yeah.
500
00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:49,543
It's just "The Eternal Reckoning."
Oh yeah!
501
00:24:49,626 --> 00:24:50,876
That's what I said.
502
00:24:50,959 --> 00:24:53,251
It's a verbal tic. Oh yeah.
503
00:24:53,334 --> 00:24:55,001
Moving on. Oh yeah.
504
00:24:55,084 --> 00:24:59,251
Not sure what it is, but I know
it has something to do with this.
505
00:24:59,751 --> 00:25:03,209
[ominous music playing]
506
00:25:11,918 --> 00:25:17,251
Kevin AFKAK knows too much.
He must be dealt with.
507
00:25:17,334 --> 00:25:19,543
And who is our mole?
508
00:25:19,626 --> 00:25:22,626
I could recognize that voice anywhere.
509
00:25:22,709 --> 00:25:24,501
It's definitely…
510
00:25:24,584 --> 00:25:26,126
Gary! Get him!
511
00:25:26,209 --> 00:25:27,959
It wasn't me! I swear!
512
00:25:29,626 --> 00:25:31,293
-[groans]
-[clown horn honks]
513
00:25:33,876 --> 00:25:35,709
I know what Charles Lovely is planning.
514
00:25:35,793 --> 00:25:38,834
We do too.
He's planning to buy the whole town!
515
00:25:38,918 --> 00:25:41,251
Actually, I just did,
516
00:25:41,334 --> 00:25:45,626
and you will want to hear
my first act as new owner.
517
00:25:45,709 --> 00:25:50,376
Kevin AFKAK,
you are banished from Paradise
518
00:25:50,459 --> 00:25:53,126
and may never return.
519
00:25:53,209 --> 00:25:55,084
What?! You can't do that!
520
00:25:55,168 --> 00:25:56,918
Uh, this sounds like a whole thing,
521
00:25:57,001 --> 00:25:59,626
so, if you'll excuse me,
I got a premiere to go to.
522
00:26:03,334 --> 00:26:06,251
I don't know what it is
about those exposed buttholes,
523
00:26:06,334 --> 00:26:12,376
but they turn this stupid, dog-shit film
into a goddamn masterpiece!
524
00:26:22,834 --> 00:26:24,834
[theme music playing]
525
00:27:08,834 --> 00:27:10,251
[screams]