[Randall] Previously on Paradise PD…
[motorboating]
[Randall stammers] Sorry, wrong clip. Uh, previously on Paradise PD…
I'm Splooge McDuck!
Whee!
[Randall] Oh, goddamn it! Who the hell picked these clips?
All right, fuck it. I'll just tell you what happened.
Charles Lovely bought the town, walled it off, and banished my son.
AFKAK, not the cool baby.
Roll the episode.
[farting]
Ain't I a stinker?
[theme music playing]
[sinister music plays]
Hey! I need to get in there.
It's important. I need to warn my friends about Charles Lovely's evil plans!
Lord Lovely has decreed that you shall not pass!
Oh, cut the shit, Brad. You work at Target.
And you have a pollen allergy.
I call it the Curse of Histamenia,
placed upon me by the wizard Zyrtec.
You asked for it.
[grunts weakly]
You dare attack me, scoundrel?
Prepare thyself to taste the pain of a thousand blows.
[both grunting weakly]
It appears we're evenly matched.
[ominous music plays]
[AFKAK in video] Oh no, Mom. You're stuck in the dryer again.
[stepmom in video] It's these damn giant titties.
Good morning, everyone.
[screams]
What the hell's Gollum doing here?
Due to the purchase and takeover of Paradise--
We don't have your ring!
Please, don't sodomize us next to a riverbank.
That was Deliverance, Hopson.
Just go with it. For once he said he didn't want to be sodomized.
Charles Lovely has taken pity on you unemployed bums
and given you all jobs.
You will all be selling Lovely products door-to-door.
Except for you. Your job's to let me smell your head.
[sniffs]
[exhales] Ah! That's good shit!
Now, let's go around the room and introduce ourselves.
I'll start. I'm Thester Carbomb IV.
I'm a bit of an idiot, and I like to raise and smother lemurs.
Who's next?
Howdy. Uh, I'm Bullet, and I'm a talking dog.
"A small Armenian man who thinks he's a dog."
I'm Dusty Marlow.
I was a sweetheart before I went to ladies' prison,
and now I don't give a fuck.
My friends call me Dr. Bro-Down McCools.
We don't call you that.
Who says you're my friends, assholes?
What up, McCools?
See you tonight, Blood Knife! We gonna fuck up them Mayans!
You, uh, care to elaborate, Dusty?
I'm sorry, I don't speak Armenian.
"Pretend to write since I never learned how."
Who's next?
I'm Stanley Hopson, and I like historical tidbits.
Would you mind sharing one with us?
You know our 32nd president, FDR?
Well, he was just FR before I slipped him the D.
"Hopson. The smart one."
You next. Who are you?
Are you fucking serious?
You don't remember me? We turned the town into a pizza together!
I see.
"I wonder if they know
that I am just drawing an iguana with sunglasses
since I am illiterate."
Thester, listen!
I'm gonna say what we're all thinking. We don't wanna sell products door-to-door.
And now I'm gonna say what I'm thinking.
Why did Popeye always wait so long to eat the spinach?
Also, why didn't Bluto eat the spinach?
Olive Oyl's the one who should be eating the spinach. She looks bulimic.
And also, why didn't Popeye ever work out his upper arms?
What the fuck's this gotta do with us?
Right. Did I mention that you'll be working on a point system
and the top seller wins this prize?
A six-slice toaster!
Six slices! Is it from the future?
Oh joy!
Me and five other friends can fuck it.
Ooh! Y'all are gonna be, dare I say…
toast? You get it?
You guys suck.
I guess next time I'll just eat my own asshole to get a laugh.
I think that's the only thing you haven't eaten today.
[all laughing]
[Fitz laughing]
Fuck all y'all!
It's the Cadillac of toasters.
Ever since I was a kid, I've dreamt of owning a six-slice toaster.
[high-life music playing]
[engine revving]
Yeah, baby! I'm making it grain!
Wow, six slices of toast. Thanks, Karen.
Yeah. It took me all morning to make these with my four-slice toaster.
Plus I had to throw away two slices.
There's gotta be a better way.
Anyway.
Can you believe Charles Lovely paid $10 million to buy this shithole town?
What are we going to do with all our new money?
You don't have to worry about that, baby.
I already invested it in a secure, low-risk, recession-proof…
Boat!
So you spent $10 million on this?!
No, I'm not stupid.
Most of the money went to dig the canals.
Randall, this is--
Boat!
[rock music playing]
Ahoy! You guys need some help?
Oh, you betcha. We could-- we could sure use some--
Boat!
Robby, know how we've been getting a check from the government to homeschool Dobby?
Yep. I've been teaching him the big philosophical questions.
Like why the fuck does Popeye wait so long to eat the spinach?
Also, if he can open that can with his bare hands,
why the fuck don't he just crush Bluto's windpipe?
Well, this letter here says Dobby has to pass a standardized test
or we're cut off.
Oh, shit.
Okay, listen Dobby. I'm gonna teach you how to pass that sand-or-rice test.
They gonna give you a bowl of sand and a bowl of rice.
Eat the rice. Do not eat the sand.
Not a sand-or-rice test. A standardized test.
Good. That sand-or-rice test is tough.
This is serious. Dobby needs to learn all his school subjects in one day.
I can teach him everything he needs to know.
Just hand me my brain boost juice.
You feeling smarter, Flobby?
No, I don't think this shit's working, Belzert.
[sinister music plays]
Hello. We're from Lovely Corp, and--
Hi. We're from Lovely Corp.
-Hello, we're from-- -We don't want none!
This is my apartment, bitch!
Hi! We're from Lovely Corp, and--
Sorry, friendlies. I'm gonna have to slam the door in your face, baby.
♪ Out on the water, gonna party down ♪
♪ I got the coolest boat in town ♪
♪ Go through Sonic drive-through In my boat ♪
♪ Going to Six Flags in my boat ♪
♪ Going to a funeral in my boat ♪
♪ Getting a colonoscopy here in my boat ♪
♪ Every other boat Looks like a fucking clown ♪
♪ I got the coolest boat in town ♪
What the fuck? Vlad?
Hey! Bitch man! Where you get that sissy boat?
[stammers] Sissy boat?!
Real boat have disco ball, kegerator, and Casio keyboard, bro!
Just ask dead-eyed bikini girls
or second richest man in town, Camaro the Bob!
What's the name of your boat, baby? The SS Cock Chugger?
No!
Vlad even wrote boat song.
♪ Fuck boat ♪
♪ Fuck boat, fuck boat, fuck boat ♪
Your boat song sucks, and everyone's gonna hate it!
[host on radio] Now, the number one hit in the country. Vlad with "Fuck Boat."
[Vlad on radio] ♪ Fuck boat Fuck boat, fuck boat, fuck boat ♪
Goddamn it. That shit slaps.
Dobby, to prepare for your test,
we're gonna teach you all about American history.
Son, America was discovered in 1492
by a historic figure named Christopher Cum-Bus.
[laughs] I'm gonna call this America.
What a great discovery for a jizz-filled bus. [laughs]
[Robby] Christopher Cum-Bus became our first president,
wrote the Ten Commandments,
fought alongside General David E. Lee Roth in the battle of Van Halen,
and invented electricity, before he died fighting the Dinobots on 9/11.
Never forget.
That huffing gas is eating a lot of holes in your daddy's brain.
[ominous music plays]
You didn't sell a single thing!
You all suck and are terrible at your jobs!
Except for you.
[sniffs]
You keep smelling like that, you'll be management soon.
As for the rest of you, at Lovely Corp, non-performance gets punished.
HR said I can't do this to you,
but I can make you watch me do it to myself.
-[screaming] -[steam hissing]
This motherfucker is crazy.
The lust for the one ring made him this way.
[screams]
-[phone ringing] -What's that ringing?
Oh, it's the old 911 line. We just let it ring.
Well, answer it!
Oh, yeah, right. And do what? Go help 'em? We didn't do that shit when we were cops.
No! Go sell them crap!
It's the perfect way to get your foot in the door.
If you need motivation, remember what our first president once said.
"I'm a bus full of jizz."
Your first president? Christopher Cum-Bus?
Hmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have paid a man in a TITS hat for citizenship classes.
Somebody call 911?
My wife shot me. I need to get to a hospital.
I think what you need more
is the Lovely Corp Super-Sucker Wet-Dry Vac.
Oh, look at it suck your little blood right out the carpet.
It's cleaning it up faster than you're bleeding it out.
Wow. My normal leading brand vacuum cleaner can't do that.
Act now and get this brain splatter attachment,
in case your wife gets a headshot next time.
I'd recommend that. I'm reloadin'!
[gasps] Dear God!
[sinister music plays]
[door slams open]
Hold it right there!
You don't wanna do this.
With a regular, dull kitchen knife.
Introducing the Lovely Ever-Sharp Knife.
Buy now and get a free roll of happy tape.
Isn't that better?
Wow. I was looking for something to take the edge off
when I have sex with their dead bodies.
Thanks, Lovely Corp.
♪ Lovely Corp ♪
Submission is inevitable.
[suspenseful music plays]
That post on Nextdoor was true! My dolphin queen has returned!
[romantic music playing]
Oh, yeah, baby. Let me rim that blowhole.
[tongue wiggling]
Fitz, it's me, Kevin!
I-I-I know. I-I-I'm very lonely.
I'm sorry I tricked you, but it's important.
Lovely Corp is planning something really terrible.
I don't wanna hear you shit-talking Lovely Corp.
Thanks to them, I could own a six-slice toaster.
Then I'll be able to fuck any dolphin I want.
-[vehicle approaching] -Oh my God!
[Randall] Boat!
[Vlad's disco music playing]
[Randall's dance music playing]
Who's got the coolest boat now?
My kegerator's powered by plutonium.
You never had a beer this cold.
Ha ha! I'm on a boat in a boat. Double boat, bitch!
That SS Cock Chugger is looking a lot cooler now, baby.
Oh yeah?
Well, I apply sticker of the Calvin making piss on your boat.
Calvin would never do that!
See? Not pissing.
[ominous music plays]
Look at all these points. You're all neck and neck.
Have you been up all night?
[phone rings]
[all arguing]
Mine! Mine!
[groaning]
Ooh! This is so hot!
-[steam hissing] -Turns out I enjoy this.
I need this toaster to make my dreams come true.
You're all mine. The four-slice toaster just doesn't get the job done.
-[electricity crackles] -[groans]
See? I told you I wouldn't die from an overdose.
You win. Here's your five dollars.
Damn. I didn't think this out.
Ooh! Five dollars.
-[electricity crackling] -[screaming]
I don't know why we wasted all that time
trying to fill up that model of Christopher Cum-Bus.
Man, you told me Dobby was a jizz-jual learner.
I think you need hearing aids.
Did you just say penis ass? Why do you say shit like that?
Anyway. We better finish the rest of these subjects in a lightning round.
Economics.
Give me your goddamn wallet!
Home Economics.
Give me your goddamn wallet and make me an omelet!
Women's Studies.
[strip club music playing]
See, she's reclaiming her sexuality. That's the third-wave feminism.
Civics.
-[electricity crackling] -[engine starts]
And that's how you hotwire Honda Civics.
Biology.
Horse.
Fat horse.
Water horse.
Pointy horse.
Potassium horse.
And last but not least, geography.
This is the Earth.
Wait a minute. That's the Earth?
How the fuck can that be the Earth when we on the Earth?
Robby, this is just a--
No, no, no. I understand science.
Fuck you, tiny us!
[disco music playing]
This is some party, baby.
Hey. You're not Camaro the Bob. He's Camaro the Bob.
I'm starting to question everything, baby.
Okay, you got me. Your boat is cooler.
But my boat is faster! I challenge you to a race.
Winner gets the bikini girls.
We choose to be okay with being gambled off.
Fourth-wave feminism. Mmm!
You're on.
Who the hell is this guy?
Okay, you got me.
A-pew-pew!
[motors rattling]
[rock music playing]
[motors revving]
I won!
[music ends]
Oh shit! I guess it just ain't safe to go from 200 to zero instantly.
I called 911.
They sold me this happy tape, baby.
Them dead bodies look so happy, I don't have to feel guilty.
Thanks, Lovely Corp.
♪ Lovely Corp ♪
There is nothing after death but darkness.
Are you ready, son?
You have four hours to complete your sand-or-rice test.
I told you.
That's right. I forgot we live in a cartoon.
[suspenseful music playing]
-Yeah! -Huzzah.
Your son is a genius. Nobody's ever solved it that fast.
Robby, turns out you were right about that sand-or-rice test.
I've never been right about something before.
I wonder what else I might be right about.
[low rumbling]
Fuck you, tiny us!
You've got one more chance to let me in, or else!
Or else what, peasant?
[inhales, blows]
No! Mine allergies!
I, Zyrtec, have finally defeated you. Zibble-bibble!
Fuck you, Neil. Aren't you supposed to be stocking at Target right now?
No! They fired me for masturbating! Zibble-bibble!
[ominous music plays]
You wanted to see me?
Gotta impress the boss.
[AFKAK whispering] Psst. Kevin.
AFKAK. I thought you got banned from town.
[whispering] Yes. That's why I'm dressed as this water horse.
Listen. Lovely Corp is dangerous.
Charles Lovely is planning something called The Eternal Reckoning.
I don't know exactly what it is,
but I know it's bad, and we have to stop him.
Holy shit. I better go tell someone, then.
AFKAK's in the bushes outside.
Mr. Lovely wouldn't like that.
All right. One million points to the person who brings him to me!
Hold on! Hold on!
You are all pathetic.
You can't sell out your friend for a toaster.
Because I'm doing it first, cock chuggers.
Yeah, I heard that one earlier. I like it.
[tense music playing]
Now, what kind of a sack is that for a AFKAK?
What you need is a Lovely Corp Nerd Net,
made from breathable steel micromesh so your nerds don't get all sweaty inside.
Only 29.99.
Sold!
[music continues]
Man, these pockets is tight.
Got a fat ass and can't fit cash in your pockets?
Looks like you need a Lovely Corp Pocket Genie. Only 29.99.
Sold!
[music continues]
Aw. Now I ain't got no money.
What am I supposed to do with this pocket genie?
Oh. I know.
[music ends]
Why are you doing this?!
For a six-slice toaster.
They're, like, 50 bucks!
I'll buy you all one right now!
He's lying. This is a seven-slice toaster.
He's trying to make us choose between wasting bread or electricity.
Kill him!
[suspenseful music plays]
["Macho Man" Randy Savage] We've been searching high and low.
Yeah, I've been looking everywhere for you, AFKAK.
Uh-huh, the only man, the one and only man
who hates Lovely Corp as much as we do, yeah.
Hate is a strong word, but it's perfect when you mean it.
Now, welcome to the resistance. Oh yeah.
[militaristic music playing]
Who is that guy?
[Clappers] He's just here to wear me.
See, there was a problem reversing the experimental procedure at the FBI.
Wait a minute. They let you back into the FBI?
Why is that everyone's first question? I'm pants, goddamn it!
[ominous music plays]
Everyone, it looks like our point leader
and new owner of his very own six-slice toaster
is Gerald Fitz.
I've caught AFKAK.
What the fuck is this?
That's Tilda Swinton.
We have a new winner!
I didn't even want this.
Remember that toast joke I told? Next time, laugh.
[theme music playing]
[screams]