So, what exactly is the resistance?
The resistance is a team.
I for one love being part of the team.
Shut the fuck up, Norf! You're not on the team, Norf!
I hired you on Taskrabbit to wear me,
not to speak or think or tell us stories about your pet lizards.
Actually, they're crested geckos named Sam and Diane, and they--
Nobody gives a fuck, Norf!
I kinda wanted to hear the lizard story, baby.
I bet they end up together.
Love always win.
Shut up! I'm the boss, you idiots! I'm in total control!
Oh, uh, Norf, scratch my nose, please?
Oh, that's the stuff.
Now, take three dramatic steps as I use my intense voice.
We are the resistance.
Our mission is to ding-dang destroy Lovely Corp
to satisfy all of our own personal vendettas.
They put Jerry and my donut shop out of business!
They raised me from the dead, yeah,
and then forced me to learn PowerPoint.
Lovely Corp degrades and abuses people so much that I'm losing work.
It's been weeks since anybody paid me to turn their stink hole into a sinkhole.
I'm just here to meet Abe Lincoln.
Somebody better fix that gas leak. Anyway.
I want revenge on Lovely Corp
because they irresponsibly developed the technology that transformed me into--
This again.
Nobody wants to know how I became pants?!
I'd rather hear the lizard story, baby.
Shut up, Norf!
I didn't say anything.
You smiled. Cut that shit out.
AFKAK, the Macho Man took the liberty of compiling
a meticulously researched dossier on Charles Lovely.
Yeah, the Macho Man added unicorn stickers, uh-huh.
Yeah, they help me forget the constant pain
due to my hellish state of existence.
Oh yeah!
And I've devised a plan to shut down Lovely Corp once and for all.
We're writing a bunch of negative online reviews of Lovely Corp products!
-One star. Take that.
-Uh, you just gave them five stars. -Shit!
Not me, kemosabe. Camaro Bob don't do digital.
Even the dick pics I send are analog, baby.
We have a window?
I'm not sure scathing reviews is the best way to take down Lovely Corp.
You don't like my plan?
Punch him in the face, Norf.
Psych! You're not on the team. Put your goddamn hand down.
I've got it. What if we kidnap Thester? He's Lovely's number two.
Which means he must know all the company's secrets and weaknesses.
Wow. Now, that's a good plan.
Seriously? I had that exact same idea last week.
I don't pay you to have ideas! I pay you to do what I say!
I'm the King of the Norf, and you're just a White Walker.
Now, let's get to work, people.
Why am I suddenly covered in bird shit?
Sorry, baby. This group text won't go through.
Fitz, this is foosball.
This guy's your goalie.
His name is Pedro, he's a Scorpio, he likes his carne asada medium-rare,
and he was raised in Ohio.
That explains his fentanyl habit.
You sure I need to know all this to play foosball?
Fitz, you take this seriously, or you get the fuck outta here!
Why, God?
Why? Oh, I'm in so much pain!
Christ, Dusty.
I miss the Shamrock Shake too, but life goes on.
Does it, Randall?
I just found out my dear mama--
Did you tell him about Pedro's fentanyl habit?
-Dusty! Focus! -Oh right.
She died!
She died! I'm so sad! Why?
Now, I need to get her blessed corpse down at the funeral home by five o'clock.
Problem is… …I can't move her by my little ol' self.
We'd love to help, but unfortunately, we're, uh… b-busy.
Yeah. That's it. We-- we're busy, uh, making up, uh…
An excuse.
Yeah, we-- we're making up an excuse so that we'd, uh…
Uh, don't have to help you…
Move your…
Fat dead mom.
Fat dead mom, right.
Rule 571 of the Brozone is, and I quote,
"Always help a fellow bro move a dead body."
Rule 571 only applies to hookers.
Well, the joke's on you! 'Cause my mama fucked for money plenty!
Her clients said half the fun was hunting for her teetee.
Yeah, that was half the fun!
I mean, uh, that's what I heard.
Shh. Be very, very quiet.
I'm hunting dick pics.
Look at this schedule.
Cutting the ribbon at the Natural History Museum dinosaur exhibit.
Going on Anderson Cooper to talk about Paradise's remarkable turnaround.
Delivering the eulogy at the funeral of the governor's son!
Now, to ensure your reelection, it's vital that this day go perfectly.
I can take a hint.
I'm taking my anti-crazy-bitch pills.
Whoa! Karen, don't take that!
I think our identical pill cases got hilariously mixed up.
Impossible. I'm an ultra-successful mayor.
You're a dog. How would that have happened?
Uh, maybe when the ultra-successful mayor came over last night to the dog's house,
piss drunk with a Costco-size jar of Skippy?
Are you sure?
You really put your illegal drugs in a pill case?
Oh yeah. I'm what you might call a type A drug addict.
Oh, man. You just took my Monday Molly. You're gonna be rolling balls soon.
And to reveal the crown jewel of the Lovely dinosaur collection,
uh, please welcome Mayor Karen Crawford.
What up, fam? Who got that good dick?!
Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump!
Can I kiss you?
-I'm the mama! I'm the mama!
Oh! Yes!
Uh, uh, she's, uh, fucking the dinosaur, huh.
Don't worry, Mr. Lovely. I'm perfectly safe.
Remember how Saddam Hussein had all his bodyguards get plastic surgery
to look just like Saddam Hussein?
Let's just say I borrowed that idea.
Eat pants, motherfucker!
Ever think it's weird that we got massive amounts of plastic surgery
to look like Saddam Hussein to protect someone who ain't Saddam Hussein?
It's a living, Robby.
Oh no!
Do not help, Norf! You're not on the team!
-Ah!
You fucked up.
I think my spine is snapping!
Hey, Dusty. You gonna fucking help?
I would, but I'm too sad.
It's just like moving a couch. Twist her clockwise.
Like this?
No! You know how goddamn clocks work, right?
I never learned! I'm just gonna push!
No! No-- You mashed my fingers!
Don't y'all scratch her now. I want an open casket.
My hands are numb! I'm pushing!
No, no, no!
Oh, I found her teetee. I found her teetee.
How dare you ruin my original stitching!
Norf, get in position!
Listen up, you bouncing bag of bing-bong British bullshit.
We can do this the easy way, or--
Not the easy way! No! I'll tell you everything!
I never told anyone this, but…
…I secretly star in a CBS drama about a cop
who works undercover at a deli.
Cole's Law. Where the cases are colder than the cuts.
Tell us about Lovely Corp!
How can we bring it down once and for all?
You can't! It's impossible!
Lovely Corp is completely indestructible!
We're fucked, baby.
With the exception of one load-bearing support beam
which, for some implausible reason,
supports the entire weight of the building.
We're not fucked, baby.
But you won't be able to get to it.
The building is patrolled 24-7 by machine-gun-toting security guards.
Fucked, baby.
With the exception of Sunday
when everyone, including the guards, are going to Charles' and Gina's wedding,
and the building will be left completely unattended.
All you'd have to do is open one unlocked door
and gently push on the support beam.
Lovely Corp would literally come tumbling down.
Good thing I studied art restoration.
Gina's marrying Charles Lovely this Sunday?
W-We-- we need to stop the wedding!
Uh, shouldn't we take advantage of everyone being at the wedding
and sneak into Lovely Corp and take it down once and for all?
Shut your fucking mouth, Norf!
Uh, shouldn't we take advantage of everyone being at the wedding
to sneak into Lovely Corp and take it down once and for all?
You're right, Agent Clappers.
I was being selfish. That's the perfect plan.
So! You're the star of Cole's Law!
I didn't realize you were that Thester Carbomb IV.
Just between us,
I am also secretly the star of a deli-based CBS drama, heh.
He's a hard-nosed reporter undercover at a deli.
Matzo Ball Scoop! This fall on CBS.
Raise your hand if you're secretly starring in a deli-based CBS drama.
Whoo-hoo! I wanna blow some college Republicans!
Dole-Kemp forever!
Bullet! She is supposed to be on Anderson Cooper in ten minutes!
You've got to fix this!
Relax. I got just the thing to level her off.
My next guest is here to talk about how she's fighting
against drug abuse in her town.
I'm now joined by Mayor Karen Craw--
So… Wow.
Uh, tell us about Paradise's new civic model.
I am the one true devil, the dark master of the demon phallus!
Mayor, you seem to be a little distracted.
By your own fingers.
Which you now seem to be eating.
Oh God, no.
Whorey host manos, you shall enslave me no longer!
Uh, to continue our Women in Politics segment,
my next guest, Nancy Pelosi.
Oh, that's skunky.
Now, don't move, Dusty. You're the counterweight.
McDonald's!
Shamrock Shake!
It's October.
Not in Ireland, dumbass!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Almost there!
And now it's worse.
Uh, see? See? I told you, I, uh, know a lot about dinosaurs, uh.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, see, that-- now, that's the chaos theory.
Run, kids! Run!
Ha! Got my Shamrock Shake!
They'll make you one if you point a gun at 'em.
Where's Mama?
Thanks to these babies, this house ain't the only thing that's up.
I wanna go home!
Gah, shut up!
Why would Gina marry this wacko?
"Another beautiful woman falls for Charles Lovely."
Excuse me, Baby Kevin. Let the grown-ups handle this.
"Anoh-ther…
be-- boo-- ootiful…
wa-- waoman…"
Here's another one. And another one.
Oh my God. They're all dead!
Christ! This guy's caused more irreparable harm to women
than Andy Cohen!
You think he killed all his wives?
And look at this.
What do all these women have in common?
Boobies?
Good eye, bud. You see anything else?
-Beavers? -They all look like Gina!
And they're all wearing the exact same locket she's wearing right now.
Lovely must use that to control their minds.
How else could that freakwad score such grade-A ass?
Oh no. What should I do?
You gotta save her, bro.
Before your little girlfriend winds up dead like all the rest.
You're right. Thanks for the favor, little brother. How could I repay you?
Hide me from Mom! Quick! She's coming!
Baby Kevin? Where are you?
It's time for your bedtime story!
Whoa. When did Mom turn into Ellen?
Look what you did! She is almost as bad as Marjorie Taylor Greene!
Fucking lightweight.
I actually have the perfect thing to bring her down. Bath salts.
Bath salts that I was going to suggest she dissolve in a nice, warm tub,
but, uh, happy to see how this goes.
Why? What happens when you eat bath salts?
And now to say a few words honoring my boy,
the mayor of Paradise, Karen Craw--
Two, three…
See? That's what happens when you eat bath salts.
That was the most beautiful eulogy anyone has ever given.
How did you know that "Cotton-Eyed Joe" was my son's favorite song,
or that his lifelong dream was to have blood vomited on him
by a half-naked elected official?
Shoo! Well, all's well that ends--
Oh yeah. That's also what happens when you eat bath salts.
Where'd they take Mama?
Scram, you turkeys.
A UFO landed here, and we've taken it to our top secret hidden government lab
that no civilian can ever find out about.
Is that it?
Why, yes, it is. Damn it!
I'm sorry, Dusty, we did everything we could.
But we can't sneak into a top secret hidden government lab.
I hear you, Randall.
And I certainly respect your concerns, but…
Hold on a second. Where do you think you're going?
Oh, we're, uh, just, uh, escorting this alien into the, uh, alien place.
I'm an alien! I'm an alien!
Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that this dipshit is an alien?
Whoa! What the hell is the matter with you?
Did you not hear that thing say it's an alien?
Yeah, but--
No buts. That's what aliens say. "I'm an alien. I'm an alien."
It just seemed a little suspicious, is all.
Strike two, Barry. Strike two.
Gentlemen, Mr. Alien, sorry to waste your time.
Hey, Randall. I think I found her.
Dusty, let me out! Let me out!
Quit fucking around!
I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
Hoo. I needed this.
You know, it's the first time I've had a chuckle since Mama died.
Speaking of…
There she is!
Giddyap, Fitz! If we leave now, we can make it to the funeral in time.
What about Randall?!
Aw. Fine. Let him out, party pooper.
-I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
Goop! This is gonna be good!
It's such a blessing to be able to laugh again.
Almost there. It's the next building on the right.
Just a little further.
Okay! You can squeeze her ass right into that booth.
Booth? Wait a minute.
This ain't no funeral home! It's Goopy fucking Goobers!
Okay. I maybe told a teeny, tiny, little white lie.
Mama ain't dead. It's her birthday.
I just tranquilized her with this here elephant dart
so I could get her to her surprise party.
Mama.
Mama, wake your fat ass up!
-Surprise!
Damn. She's dead as hell.
Okay, now I need you to help me get Mama back to the house.
She always wanted to be buried in the basement.
You gotta be kidding--
Thester was right. Not a guard in sight.
All we gotta do is open this one unlocked door
and take out the implausibly fragile load-bearing beam inside.
Then, Lovely Corp will come tip-tap toppling down.
Wait. Where's AFKAK?
There's no time! It's now or never! Somebody, open that unlocked door!
Hey, don't look at me.
-Oops.
I destroy everything I touch.
I'll do it.
-Yow!
Those door handles are pure silver which the Macho Man can't touch
since he was brought back from the dead using evil magic.
Oh yeah!
Well, what about Camaro Bob, or Hobo-Cop?
They went to buy beer for the after-party.
-Damn it! -I could easily--
Shut up, Norf! We need AFKAK. He's got functioning hands.
-Come in, AFKAK. Where the fuck are you?
AFKAK, I repeat! Where are you?
Sorry, resistance, but I gotta save Gina.
-Confirm break-in at Lovely Corp.
All Saddams ordered to headquarters.
-Stop the wedding!
Gina, you can't marry that man.
Higher hair!
Please! You are upsetting Mark Zuckerberg.
There. Now you're not under his spell anymore.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The only reason you were marrying him is because you were brainwashed by this.
You're insane. You think the only reason I'm marrying him
is because of some magical brainwashing piece of jewelry?
Yes. Why else would you do it?
Because I love him!
Since I got back into town,
you have done nothing but try to sabotage my relationship
with crazy conspiracy theories.
Honestly, with what we had,
I thought you'd at least respect me enough to let me be happy.
Just go, Kevin. I never wanna see you again.
Ooh. That's classic clone talk, baby. Better check her clit again.
Guys, wait. It's a trap!
Norf, take these motherfuckers out using anything from your waist to your ankles.
Okay. I-I've got really bad gout in my knees, but h-here goes.
Take that!
Hey! That sumbitch tried to knee me and missed!
Shoot him.
Norf? Norf!
No! You killed Norf!
He was my best friend! And I loved him! I loved him dearly!
Damn you, AFKAK Crawford! Damn you to hell!
My God. What have I done?
My life has been a limp piece of shit since I shot my dad in the balls,
but this is a new low.
I betrayed my friends, I lost the love of my life,
and worst of all, I killed Nerf.
Or was it Norf?
Goodbye, Paradise. Goodbye.