1
00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:21,084
Perfect.
2
00:00:21,168 --> 00:00:23,209
Just like I planned.
3
00:00:25,001 --> 00:00:26,168
Yes.
4
00:00:30,668 --> 00:00:33,501
I'm a chicken shit.
5
00:00:33,584 --> 00:00:37,001
Oh, thank God I didn't fall.
I could've really gotten hurt.
6
00:00:40,043 --> 00:00:42,918
Ow! Ow! Ow!
7
00:00:47,084 --> 00:00:50,501
Drop anchor
and speed up the paddles for no reason.
8
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,501
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
9
00:01:04,584 --> 00:01:06,543
At least it ended on a fun one.
10
00:01:10,293 --> 00:01:11,709
Why couldn't you just do it?
11
00:01:11,793 --> 00:01:13,418
Oh my God!
12
00:01:13,501 --> 00:01:15,168
I keep forgetting you can talk.
13
00:01:15,251 --> 00:01:20,543
I've tried everything to make you
hit rock bottom and kill yourself.
14
00:01:20,626 --> 00:01:23,418
I reprogrammed your sex doll
so she'd reject you.
15
00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:25,959
I ruined your one chance to get laid
16
00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:28,501
when I sent in
that Venezuelan dick-stinging bee.
17
00:01:28,584 --> 00:01:32,834
I even told you
to expose Gina's clit at that funeral.
18
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:34,584
That was Miss Whiskers.
19
00:01:34,668 --> 00:01:35,501
Was it?
20
00:01:36,418 --> 00:01:39,584
Mmm! Goddamn!
21
00:01:39,668 --> 00:01:42,251
You talked me into ruining Gina's wedding!
22
00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:44,459
-But the lockets were--
-Photoshopped on!
23
00:01:44,543 --> 00:01:48,043
Then slipped into your dossier
when you were distracted by a…
24
00:01:48,126 --> 00:01:50,001
formal date.
25
00:01:50,084 --> 00:01:51,876
This is a special night.
26
00:01:51,959 --> 00:01:53,918
I've never fucked a dress sock before.
27
00:01:54,001 --> 00:01:56,501
Oh dear.
28
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,251
You ruined my life!
29
00:01:58,334 --> 00:01:59,584
And now I'm gonna end it.
30
00:01:59,668 --> 00:02:01,834
You shot my dad in the balls,
31
00:02:01,918 --> 00:02:05,293
murdering millions
of my sperm brothers and sisters
32
00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:09,084
and leaving me alone
in that withered sack for 15 years!
33
00:02:09,168 --> 00:02:13,418
Ever since I was a fetus,
I've been plotting my revenge.
34
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:17,043
And now, I'll do to you
what you did to those sperm,
35
00:02:17,126 --> 00:02:20,918
because apparently,
you don't have the balls to kill yourself.
36
00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:23,168
Wait. Y-You can't shoot me.
37
00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:26,876
I-It's… not AFKAK season.
It's duck season.
38
00:02:27,876 --> 00:02:32,209
Fuck you! I mean, I don't know
what's going on here, but fuck you!
39
00:02:42,918 --> 00:02:44,251
Dusty, you gotta help me.
40
00:02:44,334 --> 00:02:45,918
Kevin is trying to kill me.
41
00:02:46,001 --> 00:02:49,793
Kevin James?
Can't you just outwalk that fat sumbitch?
42
00:02:49,876 --> 00:02:52,376
How did I get here?
43
00:02:52,459 --> 00:02:54,168
It's like my whole life went to shit
44
00:02:54,251 --> 00:02:57,834
the day I shot off my dad's balls
when I was five.
45
00:02:57,918 --> 00:02:59,834
AFKAK, no one cares.
46
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:02,376
Also, you're bumming out Ricky Ricardo.
47
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:05,043
This insane fat man kidnapped me
48
00:03:05,126 --> 00:03:07,543
and forces me to say my catchphrases!
49
00:03:07,626 --> 00:03:09,418
Gracias.
50
00:03:09,501 --> 00:03:12,543
Dusty, how is Ricky Ricardo
in your apartment? He's dead.
51
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:16,334
Well, yeah. But I used
my time machine to bring him back.
52
00:03:16,418 --> 00:03:19,251
You know, there's nothing
that puts me in a better mood
53
00:03:19,334 --> 00:03:21,918
than hearing them famous Ricardo-isms.
54
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,709
Now do that weird laugh,
or I'll blow your fucking brains out!
55
00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:27,584
But, Dusty,
then someone will find my body,
56
00:03:27,668 --> 00:03:30,209
and you'll have a lot of 'splainin' to do.
57
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:33,584
Okay. Okay.
58
00:03:33,668 --> 00:03:36,126
You live another day, Ricky Ricardo.
59
00:03:36,209 --> 00:03:39,251
Dusty, this time machine
is the solution to my problems!
60
00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:40,376
I can use it to go back
61
00:03:40,459 --> 00:03:43,168
and prevent my younger self
from shooting off my dad's balls,
62
00:03:43,251 --> 00:03:44,918
then my life will be perfect!
63
00:03:45,001 --> 00:03:48,834
Uh, b'scuse me? I ain't just gonna
let you use my time machine.
64
00:03:48,918 --> 00:03:51,668
I still gotta go back and stop Bill Cosby.
65
00:03:51,751 --> 00:03:54,251
From making that stupid Fat Albert movie.
66
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:55,168
How about this.
67
00:03:55,251 --> 00:03:58,751
If you let me borrow the time machine,
I'll bring you back a box of Lucky Charms
68
00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:01,001
from when they didn't have
red-balloon marshmallows
69
00:04:01,084 --> 00:04:02,543
so you won't have to pick them out.
70
00:04:02,626 --> 00:04:07,459
Oh, I do hate them red balloons.
They taste like Hitler's asshole.
71
00:04:07,543 --> 00:04:09,876
How do you know
what Hitler's asshole tastes like?
72
00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:12,584
Duh! I got a time machine, don't I?
73
00:04:14,376 --> 00:04:16,334
So, how does this work?
74
00:04:16,418 --> 00:04:18,084
Does it take into account
75
00:04:18,168 --> 00:04:21,084
the manifold possibilities
laid out in quantum mechanics?
76
00:04:21,168 --> 00:04:25,501
Seriously, Kevin? It's a colander,
a gerbil, and a goddamn Super Nintendo.
77
00:04:25,584 --> 00:04:27,793
We don't gotta
get all Rick and Morty up in here.
78
00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,334
But in terms of general relativity--
79
00:04:29,418 --> 00:04:32,751
Kevin! You're confusing our fans.
80
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:35,043
The audience is high.
81
00:04:35,126 --> 00:04:37,668
The writers are high.
82
00:04:37,751 --> 00:04:42,793
So let's just start
the motherfucking tit-sucking story!
83
00:04:44,126 --> 00:04:47,834
All right. I want to go back to 2004.
84
00:04:47,918 --> 00:04:51,126
You don't know shit
about time travel, do you, numbnuts?
85
00:04:51,209 --> 00:04:53,418
Don't tell me. Tell the gerbil.
86
00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:54,751
Break time's over, bitch!
87
00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:02,543
When he gets back with my time machine,
88
00:05:02,626 --> 00:05:06,793
I'ma go back to 1951
and enslave Ethel and Fred Mertz
89
00:05:06,876 --> 00:05:08,918
so y'all can do whole episodes for me.
90
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:10,251
What about Lucy?
91
00:05:10,334 --> 00:05:13,251
I'm Lucy. Or at least my pussy is.
92
00:05:16,126 --> 00:05:18,626
Oh, now you'll fucking do it!
93
00:05:20,793 --> 00:05:22,209
Wow! It worked!
94
00:05:22,293 --> 00:05:24,543
Now to prevent myself
from shooting off my dad's balls.
95
00:05:24,626 --> 00:05:27,626
And if there's time, listen
to Michael Jackson albums guilt-free.
96
00:05:27,709 --> 00:05:29,709
Even though, you know, we already knew.
97
00:05:29,793 --> 00:05:30,793
Oh no.
98
00:05:31,543 --> 00:05:32,834
Put down the gun.
99
00:05:32,918 --> 00:05:35,126
What you're about to do
will ruin your life.
100
00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:36,209
Who are you?
101
00:05:36,293 --> 00:05:38,043
I'm you, as an adult.
102
00:05:41,293 --> 00:05:42,293
Aw, shit.
103
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:45,043
Ten minutes earlier, time gerbil.
Ten minutes earlier.
104
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:55,251
There. You can't shoot off
someone's balls with a water gun.
105
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:57,584
Right? Yeah, no. That-- that's right.
106
00:06:03,876 --> 00:06:05,959
Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you!
107
00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:06,959
Bang, bang!
108
00:06:10,334 --> 00:06:12,959
Kevin! Stop spraying my balls with--
109
00:06:13,043 --> 00:06:14,001
Oh! Hold on.
110
00:06:14,084 --> 00:06:16,001
That actually feels pretty good.
111
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,209
I did it!
112
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,918
Nothing could wipe this smile off my face.
113
00:06:20,001 --> 00:06:22,709
Little faster, son.
Now aim for that brown spot.
114
00:06:23,293 --> 00:06:25,251
'Kay. I-I think we can leave.
115
00:06:25,334 --> 00:06:28,043
Oh God.
Here comes the tidal wave!
116
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,251
Let's go! Let's go!
117
00:06:34,793 --> 00:06:38,209
Well, I hope not shooting
my dad's balls off changed something.
118
00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:43,834
Whoa. It's like Wakanda with white people!
119
00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:50,626
Excuse me, sir. Where am I?
120
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,834
Well, you in Paradise, silly-willy.
121
00:06:52,918 --> 00:06:53,751
Dusty?
122
00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:57,876
That's five-time
Mr. Universe winner Dusty to you.
123
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:58,793
Look at this.
124
00:07:02,084 --> 00:07:05,126
Wow, you look incredible!
In that gross kinda way.
125
00:07:05,209 --> 00:07:08,584
I feel incredible in that gross kinda way.
126
00:07:08,668 --> 00:07:10,793
You want your picture taken
'tween my muscle titties?
127
00:07:10,876 --> 00:07:11,709
No, that's--
128
00:07:16,584 --> 00:07:17,793
Good news, guys.
129
00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:21,209
I just came from the doctor,
and she said I have no mental issues.
130
00:07:21,293 --> 00:07:24,543
Which was a weird thing to say
given that I have never had any before.
131
00:07:24,626 --> 00:07:28,084
That's great, Fitz. So I guess
you never banged that dolphin.
132
00:07:28,168 --> 00:07:32,376
Oh, I fucked the shit out of that dolphin.
How you think I got named Man of the Year?
133
00:07:35,418 --> 00:07:37,959
So, Bullet,
why are you walking on all fours?
134
00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:40,334
Uh, dogs can't talk, Kevin.
135
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,918
So he's just a regular happy dog?
136
00:07:45,001 --> 00:07:46,626
Yeah. Look at him.
137
00:07:46,709 --> 00:07:49,376
Running around all unencumbered
by the burdens of human thought
138
00:07:49,459 --> 00:07:50,501
and drug addiction.
139
00:07:51,293 --> 00:07:53,126
Hey! Put that needle down!
140
00:07:53,209 --> 00:07:55,418
Where'd you get that grain alcohol?
141
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:58,668
And get your nose
out of that poor lady's ass!
142
00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:03,126
Bad Andy Dick!
You're a bad boy, Andy Dick!
143
00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:07,584
Oh, everybody. Here comes
the town's classiest gentlemen!
144
00:08:13,376 --> 00:08:17,043
Well, some things didn't change.
Robby still likes tits.
145
00:08:17,126 --> 00:08:18,668
Oh, that's right, my good man.
146
00:08:18,751 --> 00:08:21,334
TITS. "Ten Inches To Suck."
147
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:24,043
A reference to my well-endowed husband.
148
00:08:25,709 --> 00:08:28,459
And no one has a problem with that.
149
00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:30,168
You hear that, Florida?
150
00:08:30,251 --> 00:08:31,918
Come along, Dobbert.
151
00:08:34,168 --> 00:08:36,543
I'm so glad our son is attractive.
152
00:08:36,626 --> 00:08:39,584
Could you imagine
if he had rows of jagged teeth,
153
00:08:39,668 --> 00:08:42,001
or one big-ass, weird-looking eyeball?
154
00:08:42,084 --> 00:08:45,626
I cannot. Even though
I am the most celebrated creative writer
155
00:08:45,709 --> 00:08:46,918
of the 21st century.
156
00:08:47,668 --> 00:08:50,584
I bid you farewell.
We're off to see Frank Finger-Fist.
157
00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:52,709
Don't you mean Frank Flipper-Fist?
158
00:08:58,209 --> 00:09:01,626
I love Frank Finger-Fist.
159
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,376
Thanks to advances in finger science,
160
00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:05,709
all he does is play piano
and finger women.
161
00:09:08,043 --> 00:09:10,918
Wow. This world is incredible.
162
00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:13,543
Hey, look.
President Hopson's on television.
163
00:09:13,626 --> 00:09:15,334
My fellow Americans.
164
00:09:15,418 --> 00:09:18,584
The nukes are coming. We're all gonna die!
165
00:09:19,668 --> 00:09:22,376
In three, two, one!
166
00:09:23,793 --> 00:09:25,959
You just got Hopson'd! Eh!
167
00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:31,376
I love that guy.
168
00:09:31,459 --> 00:09:34,334
That's why he has a 100% approval rating.
169
00:09:34,418 --> 00:09:36,501
Well, I guess if Trump can be president…
170
00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:39,834
Donald Trump? He was never president.
171
00:09:39,918 --> 00:09:42,918
Yeah, no, he fell
into the river habitat at the zoo,
172
00:09:43,001 --> 00:09:45,251
and then he got fucked to death by hippos.
173
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,418
Oh my God.
174
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,043
Everything is better here!
175
00:09:48,126 --> 00:09:50,334
I gotta go home
and see what my life is like.
176
00:09:50,418 --> 00:09:52,501
Hold on. I wasn't done.
177
00:09:52,584 --> 00:09:55,501
Them hippos ran a train on Donald,
178
00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:57,709
and hippos shit when they fuck.
179
00:09:57,793 --> 00:10:02,584
So that shit got all in his mouth
like a big ol' hippo shit bukkake.
180
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:05,543
To make matters worse,
his kids were there watching it.
181
00:10:05,626 --> 00:10:07,126
But they didn't stop it.
182
00:10:07,209 --> 00:10:10,084
They just jumped up and down
and threw confetti.
183
00:10:10,168 --> 00:10:13,584
So now it's a national holiday.
We have a statue to commemorate it.
184
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:21,376
This place is huge!
185
00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:24,209
My family must work
at Trader Joe's or something!
186
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,501
Kevin! Welcome home!
187
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,459
Wow, Dad? You're in a good mood.
188
00:10:29,543 --> 00:10:31,584
Well, it's hard not to be in a good mood
189
00:10:31,668 --> 00:10:34,459
when you wake up every day
with a full head of hair
190
00:10:34,543 --> 00:10:36,126
and intact balls.
191
00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:37,709
Dad, they're hanging out.
192
00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,251
You're welcome.
193
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:42,459
I got special pants made
so we can all enjoy 'em.
194
00:10:42,543 --> 00:10:43,501
Hey, honey.
195
00:10:43,584 --> 00:10:45,084
Carmen Electra?!
196
00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:46,959
No, Kevin. It's your mother.
197
00:10:47,043 --> 00:10:50,543
Don't you remember?
I got that plastic surgery from Hobo-Doc?
198
00:10:50,626 --> 00:10:51,876
Hobo-Doc?
199
00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:57,043
Hi. I'm Hobo-Doc,
world famous homeless plastic surgeon.
200
00:10:57,126 --> 00:11:00,043
I do one thing, and I do it right.
201
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,709
Make women look like Carmen Electra.
202
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,959
But don't take my word for it.
203
00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:09,293
Don't come to this motherfucker.
He fucked me up!
204
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,043
Another satisfied customer.
205
00:11:13,709 --> 00:11:16,001
You're just in time for dinner, Kevin.
206
00:11:16,084 --> 00:11:18,043
Let's join your brothers and sisters.
207
00:11:18,126 --> 00:11:19,251
Brothers and sisters?
208
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:21,668
Yeah, brothers and sisters.
209
00:11:21,751 --> 00:11:24,251
What, are you
from a different timeline or something?
210
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:30,793
They're the quadruplets conceived
the day you squirted that water gun
211
00:11:30,876 --> 00:11:32,376
in your father's asshole.
212
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,084
I came like a wildcat.
213
00:11:34,168 --> 00:11:36,084
Thanks again for that, Kevin.
214
00:11:36,168 --> 00:11:38,626
You remember your world-changing siblings.
215
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:40,459
Dr. Marie Crawford.
216
00:11:40,543 --> 00:11:42,126
She cured cancer, AIDS,
217
00:11:42,209 --> 00:11:45,334
and whatever the hell
makes Patton Oswalt look like that.
218
00:11:45,418 --> 00:11:47,209
And I invented the condiment clone.
219
00:11:47,876 --> 00:11:49,293
How about a little mustard, sir?
220
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:50,626
No!
221
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:53,834
I am God!
222
00:11:53,918 --> 00:11:55,834
Anyway. There's Logan Crawford.
223
00:11:55,918 --> 00:11:58,709
He's saved the planet
by solving global warming.
224
00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:01,584
Once I had cured racism,
global warming was easy.
225
00:12:01,668 --> 00:12:04,709
I had just enough time left over
to win the Olympics.
226
00:12:04,793 --> 00:12:07,543
Acclaimed film director,
Stephen Crawford,
227
00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:10,668
who attained world peace
through his movies.
228
00:12:10,751 --> 00:12:13,751
Surprised me too,
since they all starred James Corden.
229
00:12:14,251 --> 00:12:17,751
And of course
Neil Crawford, who colonized Mars.
230
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,709
I grow potatoes with my poop.
231
00:12:19,793 --> 00:12:22,126
Isn't that right,
alien that I taught to talk?
232
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,584
Take me to your leader.
233
00:12:24,668 --> 00:12:27,876
I'm just kidding. Remember when people
used to think we talked like that?
234
00:12:27,959 --> 00:12:30,293
Back when everyone was fucking racist.
235
00:12:30,376 --> 00:12:32,918
Yep. Those
high-achieving siblings of yours
236
00:12:33,001 --> 00:12:35,459
are the reason this world is so perfect.
237
00:12:35,543 --> 00:12:38,209
They're also in a singing group
called The Crawford Kids.
238
00:12:38,293 --> 00:12:40,418
Their album just hit number one.
239
00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:41,334
Hit it, kids!
240
00:12:53,668 --> 00:12:55,334
Stop! Seriously, stop.
241
00:12:55,918 --> 00:12:58,584
Sorry, I just, uh, really had
the urge to kill myself again.
242
00:12:59,209 --> 00:13:02,293
But, uh, what about me?
Do I have an impressive job?
243
00:13:02,376 --> 00:13:03,376
Of course.
244
00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:06,293
You're the assistant janitor
at Goopy Goobers.
245
00:13:06,376 --> 00:13:07,501
The head janitor says
246
00:13:07,584 --> 00:13:12,418
that pretty soon they might even let you
clean up the poop all by yourself.
247
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,584
No! No! My life sucks here too?
248
00:13:15,668 --> 00:13:19,084
What do you mean, "My life sucks"?
You're married to Gina.
249
00:13:19,584 --> 00:13:20,418
Really?
250
00:13:20,501 --> 00:13:23,501
Yeah. You were
high-school sweethearts, remember?
251
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:28,376
Kevin, why are you so unaware
of events in this one and only timeline?
252
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:31,001
So I do have a good life. My plan worked.
253
00:13:31,084 --> 00:13:32,626
I gotta go see my wife.
254
00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:38,376
Hey! Before dinner, who wants
to play a round of Horny Horny Hippos?
255
00:13:40,626 --> 00:13:42,501
Oh! Oh! Oh!
256
00:13:42,584 --> 00:13:44,043
Oh!
257
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,668
Tonight, it's
the Season 8 premiere of Brickleberry,
258
00:13:49,751 --> 00:13:52,834
the Emmy and NAACP Image
award-winning show.
259
00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:56,251
This season,
Malloy hibernates in Connie's vagina.
260
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:57,751
-I'm home!
261
00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:58,751
Gina!
262
00:13:58,834 --> 00:14:01,334
I'm so happy to see you…
263
00:14:01,418 --> 00:14:02,834
look different.
264
00:14:02,918 --> 00:14:04,501
Why do you have hair like mine?
265
00:14:05,501 --> 00:14:07,376
And boobs smaller than mine.
266
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:09,834
Well, don't you remember
we agreed to have my boobs removed
267
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:11,626
so I could be an archer when we LARPed?
268
00:14:11,709 --> 00:14:12,709
Oh, check this out.
269
00:14:12,793 --> 00:14:16,626
I stood in line seven hours to get
this autographed picture of Kevin Smith.
270
00:14:16,709 --> 00:14:19,251
"Dear Gina, sorry about my movies."
271
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:23,626
But you hate Kevin Smith. You hate anyone
who loses weight after a heart attack.
272
00:14:23,709 --> 00:14:25,293
Oh, don't be silly, Kevin.
273
00:14:25,376 --> 00:14:27,959
Well, if you need me,
I'll be writing my Pokémon fan fiction
274
00:14:28,043 --> 00:14:30,501
where they're all stand-up comics,
called Jokémon.
275
00:14:30,584 --> 00:14:32,001
Mmm. Uh…
276
00:14:32,668 --> 00:14:34,626
Don't you wanna do something more Gina?
277
00:14:34,709 --> 00:14:38,043
Like break someone's ribs
or add to your violent scrapbook.
278
00:14:38,126 --> 00:14:41,876
The only book I care about is my copy
of Gary Gygax's "Deities and Demigods"
279
00:14:41,959 --> 00:14:43,668
with a Cthulhu Mythos included.
280
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:46,543
Oh! You wanna play D&D?
I'll go get the dice.
281
00:14:46,626 --> 00:14:48,001
Naruto run!
282
00:14:48,751 --> 00:14:49,834
What is happening?
283
00:14:50,418 --> 00:14:51,459
Naruto run!
284
00:14:51,543 --> 00:14:53,001
All right. Ready to play.
285
00:14:53,084 --> 00:14:56,834
Ooh. But first, we need
to do our Monday night routine.
286
00:14:56,918 --> 00:14:58,001
Naruto run!
287
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:04,251
Don't tell me the three of us are gonna
sing the "Poo Poo Choo Choo" song.
288
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:05,834
No, silly.
289
00:15:05,918 --> 00:15:07,001
They're gonna sing it too.
290
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:27,168
Have I always been such a pathetic loser?
291
00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:30,668
Please! Stop! The baby!
292
00:15:30,751 --> 00:15:34,043
-Happy Kevin Sucks Day!
293
00:15:41,209 --> 00:15:42,709
That's it. I am done!
294
00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,209
Yay! You get a cookie!
295
00:15:45,293 --> 00:15:46,959
I don't mean pooping!
296
00:15:47,043 --> 00:15:48,626
Although I did poop.
297
00:15:49,959 --> 00:15:51,709
Look what I did to you, Gina.
298
00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:54,418
Being your husband
made you a beta just like me.
299
00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:57,501
Well, I'm not gonna be that guy anymore!
300
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,251
It's time I set things right.
301
00:16:01,334 --> 00:16:04,376
I'm going back to make sure
I shoot my dad in the balls.
302
00:16:07,293 --> 00:16:10,001
That's weird. He left
without saying goodbye to his kids.
303
00:16:10,584 --> 00:16:11,668
Naruto run!
304
00:16:11,751 --> 00:16:13,459
Kamehameha!
305
00:16:13,543 --> 00:16:16,043
I have Patton Oswalt disease.
306
00:16:19,918 --> 00:16:21,709
Drop the water gun, Beta Kevin.
307
00:16:21,793 --> 00:16:23,751
-Who are you?
-I'm Alpha Kevin!
308
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:27,168
Can't you tell by the missing shirtsleeves
and Sharpie tattoo?
309
00:16:29,084 --> 00:16:30,043
Whoa.
310
00:16:30,126 --> 00:16:33,834
Listen to me. I came here from the future,
and you can't save Dad's balls.
311
00:16:33,918 --> 00:16:37,376
What are you talking about? If I don't,
I'll never have a perfect life.
312
00:16:37,459 --> 00:16:40,709
I've already lived that life,
and it's anything but perfect.
313
00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:41,876
You're married to Gina,
314
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:46,376
and all she wants to do is play D&D,
read comics, and Naruto run everywhere.
315
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:50,209
I don't understand. Is-- is she fat?
316
00:16:50,293 --> 00:16:54,001
-Rawr.
317
00:16:54,084 --> 00:16:55,334
Oh no. We don't have much time
318
00:16:55,418 --> 00:16:57,751
until past us walks in
and shoots Dad's nuts.
319
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,709
Mom and Dad are gonna have sex soon.
320
00:16:59,793 --> 00:17:00,626
How do you know?
321
00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:03,251
Because we both know
their foreplay is always the same.
322
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:04,793
And they are at stage one!
323
00:17:04,876 --> 00:17:07,168
Super-realistic role-playing!
324
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:10,209
Yeah,
I see the problem. Your coolant is low.
325
00:17:10,293 --> 00:17:12,334
Randall, do we have to do all this?
326
00:17:12,418 --> 00:17:17,209
I'm not Randall.
I'm Felipé, the Australian AC guy.
327
00:17:17,293 --> 00:17:19,501
And you hired me to do a job, 'member?
328
00:17:19,584 --> 00:17:20,918
Oh, well in that case,
329
00:17:21,001 --> 00:17:24,584
maybe there's another job
I could give you.
330
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:29,168
What are you, crazy?
I can't risk my job for sex with a client!
331
00:17:29,251 --> 00:17:32,043
I got a kid with Patton Oswalt disease.
332
00:17:32,126 --> 00:17:34,043
Those balls have to go.
333
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:35,251
No!
334
00:17:35,334 --> 00:17:37,418
We don't have time for this!
335
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:39,751
Dad's already
at the second stage of foreplay!
336
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:43,251
Antagonizing a cardboard cutout
to assert male dominance!
337
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:46,876
Listen here, Jerry O'Connell.
Did you eye-fuck my wife?
338
00:17:48,418 --> 00:17:51,001
Okay, O'Connell. Okay, I give up!
339
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:55,001
I won't let you send me back
to my shitty life!
340
00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:02,001
The only reason you have a shitty life
is that you're a pussy!
341
00:18:02,084 --> 00:18:03,001
Look at you.
342
00:18:03,084 --> 00:18:06,501
You let a group of sex dolls
kick you out of your apartment.
343
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:09,001
You let your father
take away your own name!
344
00:18:09,084 --> 00:18:11,668
You never stand up for yourself!
345
00:18:11,751 --> 00:18:13,709
But I'm a victim.
346
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,043
-No. You're the problem.
347
00:18:16,126 --> 00:18:19,459
And my little brother said
I didn't have the balls to kill myself.
348
00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:29,126
My nut! You shot me in my nut!
349
00:18:33,043 --> 00:18:34,959
Perfect. It's like I was never here.
350
00:18:35,793 --> 00:18:38,459
Oh right. I better hide this body
where no one will find it.
351
00:18:39,043 --> 00:18:41,376
Here we go. No one ever uses this crap.
352
00:18:43,001 --> 00:18:47,084
Kid, if you think this will fuck you up,
wait till Coach Russo gets ahold of you.
353
00:18:49,876 --> 00:18:52,168
Please, let everything be back to normal.
354
00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:59,084
Bullet! You're a drug addict!
355
00:18:59,168 --> 00:19:00,376
Hey, fuck you!
356
00:19:00,459 --> 00:19:03,709
-Fitz! You have mental problems!
357
00:19:03,793 --> 00:19:05,543
Hey! Fuck you!
358
00:19:07,001 --> 00:19:09,376
Hobo-Cop, you're not a doctor.
359
00:19:10,043 --> 00:19:13,001
I know. I'm an astronaut.
360
00:19:14,043 --> 00:19:17,751
Look at me!
I'm trying to get a role on Farzar!
361
00:19:17,834 --> 00:19:20,459
Uh, this-- this show is a sinking ship.
362
00:19:22,543 --> 00:19:24,793
So you put everything back to normal?
363
00:19:24,876 --> 00:19:26,876
That other reality must have been awful.
364
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:30,584
Probably full of cancer
and racism and no Brickleberry.
365
00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:31,793
What was I like?
366
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:32,709
Uh…
367
00:19:32,793 --> 00:19:36,793
You were fatter. And-- and homeless.
And you had a wallet chain.
368
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,459
Oh, that's my nightmare.
369
00:19:38,543 --> 00:19:41,543
Bless you, Kevin,
for your noble, heroic deed.
370
00:19:41,626 --> 00:19:44,418
Well, it's time for me
to take my life back.
371
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:46,501
I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
372
00:19:47,709 --> 00:19:52,543
Kevin, you stupid sumbitch!
That was a fully functioning time machine!
373
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,876
I got you the Lucky Charms
with no red balloons.
374
00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:56,418
I am appeased.
375
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:00,418
All right! Everyone out.
376
00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:03,001
Or the next thing
inside you will be my fist!
377
00:20:03,084 --> 00:20:05,626
And not in a sexual way.
378
00:20:06,834 --> 00:20:10,043
Oh! Now you can move.
379
00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:13,959
What are you doing here, AFKAK?
380
00:20:16,043 --> 00:20:18,543
My name is Kevin!
381
00:20:18,626 --> 00:20:20,668
Say it! Say my name.
382
00:20:20,751 --> 00:20:23,043
Kevin! Your name is Kevin!
383
00:20:23,126 --> 00:20:25,418
Jesus, that was intense.
384
00:20:25,501 --> 00:20:30,209
I need to relax with some fancy tea
and the rarely used good china.
385
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:34,084
What the fuck?!
386
00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:37,834
No! Get it off me! Get it off!
Help! I'm trapped inside it!
387
00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:40,168
There's nowhere to run.
388
00:20:40,876 --> 00:20:42,251
I'm not running this time.
389
00:20:42,334 --> 00:20:44,418
You were right. I did suck.
390
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:46,376
-But I'm not that guy anymore.
391
00:20:46,459 --> 00:20:48,709
And now you're gonna respect me.
392
00:20:48,793 --> 00:20:50,876
And you can start by thanking me.
393
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,793
Because I went back in time and found out
that if I hadn't shot Dad's balls off,
394
00:20:54,876 --> 00:20:56,459
you would have never been born.
395
00:20:56,543 --> 00:20:59,918
Or worse.
You would have been born as one of these.
396
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:11,209
It's okay. They can't hurt you now.
397
00:21:11,293 --> 00:21:15,084
Thank you, Kevin. For not letting me
be one of those singing fuck faces.
398
00:21:16,043 --> 00:21:18,793
Kevin! We gotta get out of town now!
399
00:21:19,376 --> 00:21:21,209
Norf! I thought you were dead!
400
00:21:21,293 --> 00:21:22,376
So did the guards.
401
00:21:22,459 --> 00:21:24,876
See, my pulse is extremely shallow
402
00:21:24,959 --> 00:21:27,501
because I have the metabolism
of a large turtle.
403
00:21:27,584 --> 00:21:29,543
Yeah. Before they dumped me in a ditch,
404
00:21:29,626 --> 00:21:31,959
I overheard
what Charles Lovely is planning,
405
00:21:32,043 --> 00:21:33,751
and we've gotta leave before he--
406
00:21:38,459 --> 00:21:42,709
-The Eternal Reckoning has begun.
407
00:21:55,376 --> 00:21:58,918
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
408
00:21:59,001 --> 00:22:00,293
Let me have a go, boss.
409
00:22:09,043 --> 00:22:11,584
What the hell is a eternal reckoning?
410
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:16,043
Sounds like Charles Lovely's
got a lot of 'splainin' to do.
411
00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:18,876
-Grab that Ricky! He's escaped!
412
00:22:18,959 --> 00:22:20,834
Naruto run!