[distressful music playing]
Perfect.
Just like I planned.
[shock sting]
Yes.
[groans] I'm a chicken shit.
[exhales] Oh, thank God I didn't fall. I could've really gotten hurt.
[ship horn blows]
[screams]
[exclaims] Ow! Ow! Ow!
[whimpers]
Drop anchor and speed up the paddles for no reason.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [screams]
[groaning]
[wailing]
[thruster whooshing]
[groans]
[thruster whooshes]
At least it ended on a fun one.
[grunts]
[gun clicks]
Why couldn't you just do it?
Oh my God! [sighs]
I keep forgetting you can talk.
I've tried everything to make you hit rock bottom and kill yourself.
I reprogrammed your sex doll so she'd reject you.
I ruined your one chance to get laid
when I sent in that Venezuelan dick-stinging bee.
I even told you to expose Gina's clit at that funeral.
[AFKAK] That was Miss Whiskers.
[Kevin] Was it?
Mmm! Goddamn!
You talked me into ruining Gina's wedding!
-But the lockets were-- -Photoshopped on!
Then slipped into your dossier when you were distracted by a…
formal date.
This is a special night.
I've never fucked a dress sock before.
Oh dear.
You ruined my life!
And now I'm gonna end it.
You shot my dad in the balls,
murdering millions of my sperm brothers and sisters
and leaving me alone in that withered sack for 15 years!
Ever since I was a fetus, I've been plotting my revenge.
And now, I'll do to you what you did to those sperm,
because apparently, you don't have the balls to kill yourself.
Wait. Y-You can't shoot me.
I-It's… not AFKAK season. It's duck season.
Fuck you! I mean, I don't know what's going on here, but fuck you!
[theme music playing]
Dusty, you gotta help me.
Kevin is trying to kill me.
Kevin James? Can't you just outwalk that fat sumbitch?
[sobs] How did I get here?
It's like my whole life went to shit
the day I shot off my dad's balls when I was five.
AFKAK, no one cares.
Also, you're bumming out Ricky Ricardo.
[in Spanish] This insane fat man kidnapped me
and forces me to say my catchphrases!
Gracias.
Dusty, how is Ricky Ricardo in your apartment? He's dead.
Well, yeah. But I used my time machine to bring him back.
You know, there's nothing that puts me in a better mood
than hearing them famous Ricardo-isms.
Now do that weird laugh, or I'll blow your fucking brains out!
But, Dusty, then someone will find my body,
and you'll have a lot of 'splainin' to do.
[laughs] Okay. Okay.
You live another day, Ricky Ricardo.
Dusty, this time machine is the solution to my problems!
I can use it to go back
and prevent my younger self from shooting off my dad's balls,
then my life will be perfect!
Uh, b'scuse me? I ain't just gonna let you use my time machine.
I still gotta go back and stop Bill Cosby.
From making that stupid Fat Albert movie.
How about this.
If you let me borrow the time machine, I'll bring you back a box of Lucky Charms
from when they didn't have red-balloon marshmallows
so you won't have to pick them out.
Oh, I do hate them red balloons. They taste like Hitler's asshole.
How do you know what Hitler's asshole tastes like?
Duh! I got a time machine, don't I?
So, how does this work?
Does it take into account
the manifold possibilities laid out in quantum mechanics?
Seriously, Kevin? It's a colander, a gerbil, and a goddamn Super Nintendo.
We don't gotta get all Rick and Morty up in here.
But in terms of general relativity--
Kevin! You're confusing our fans.
The audience is high.
The writers are high.
So let's just start the motherfucking tit-sucking story!
All right. I want to go back to 2004.
You don't know shit about time travel, do you, numbnuts?
Don't tell me. Tell the gerbil.
Break time's over, bitch!
-[warbling] -[electricity crackles]
When he gets back with my time machine,
I'ma go back to 1951 and enslave Ethel and Fred Mertz
so y'all can do whole episodes for me.
What about Lucy?
I'm Lucy. Or at least my pussy is.
[Ricardo-laughing]
Oh, now you'll fucking do it!
-[warbling] -[electricity crackles]
Wow! It worked!
Now to prevent myself from shooting off my dad's balls.
And if there's time, listen to Michael Jackson albums guilt-free.
Even though, you know, we already knew.
Oh no.
Put down the gun.
What you're about to do will ruin your life.
Who are you?
I'm you, as an adult.
-[gunshot] -[body thuds]
Aw, shit.
Ten minutes earlier, time gerbil. Ten minutes earlier.
-[warbling] -[electricity crackling]
There. You can't shoot off someone's balls with a water gun.
Right? Yeah, no. That-- that's right.
Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you!
Bang, bang!
Kevin! Stop spraying my balls with--
Oh! Hold on.
That actually feels pretty good.
I did it!
Nothing could wipe this smile off my face.
[Randall] Little faster, son. Now aim for that brown spot.
'Kay. I-I think we can leave.
[Randall] Oh God. Here comes the tidal wave!
Let's go! Let's go!
-[warbling] -[electricity crackles]
Well, I hope not shooting my dad's balls off changed something.
Whoa. It's like Wakanda with white people!
[miraculous music playing]
Excuse me, sir. Where am I?
Well, you in Paradise, silly-willy.
Dusty?
That's five-time Mr. Universe winner Dusty to you.
Look at this.
♪ Titty bounce, titty bounce Tit, tit, titty bounce ♪
Wow, you look incredible! In that gross kinda way.
I feel incredible in that gross kinda way.
You want your picture taken 'tween my muscle titties?
No, that's--
[screams]
-[Dusty grunting] -[AFKAK groaning]
Good news, guys.
I just came from the doctor, and she said I have no mental issues.
Which was a weird thing to say given that I have never had any before.
That's great, Fitz. So I guess you never banged that dolphin.
Oh, I fucked the shit out of that dolphin. How you think I got named Man of the Year?
So, Bullet, why are you walking on all fours?
Uh, dogs can't talk, Kevin.
So he's just a regular happy dog?
[barking]
[giggles] Yeah. Look at him.
Running around all unencumbered by the burdens of human thought
and drug addiction.
Hey! Put that needle down!
Where'd you get that grain alcohol?
And get your nose out of that poor lady's ass!
Bad Andy Dick! You're a bad boy, Andy Dick!
Oh, everybody. Here comes the town's classiest gentlemen!
[sophisticated music playing]
Well, some things didn't change. Robby still likes tits.
Oh, that's right, my good man.
TITS. "Ten Inches To Suck."
A reference to my well-endowed husband.
And no one has a problem with that.
You hear that, Florida?
Come along, Dobbert.
I'm so glad our son is attractive.
Could you imagine if he had rows of jagged teeth,
or one big-ass, weird-looking eyeball?
[in Dobbertese] I cannot. Even though I am the most celebrated creative writer
of the 21st century.
I bid you farewell. We're off to see Frank Finger-Fist.
Don't you mean Frank Flipper-Fist?
["Flight of the Bumblebee" playing]
[laughs] I love Frank Finger-Fist.
Thanks to advances in finger science,
all he does is play piano and finger women.
[woman moaning]
Wow. This world is incredible.
Hey, look. President Hopson's on television.
My fellow Americans.
The nukes are coming. We're all gonna die!
[shock sting]
In three, two, one!
You just got Hopson'd! Eh!
[slide whistle plays]
[laughing hysterically]
[laughs] I love that guy.
That's why he has a 100% approval rating.
Well, I guess if Trump can be president…
Donald Trump? He was never president.
Yeah, no, he fell into the river habitat at the zoo,
and then he got fucked to death by hippos.
Oh my God.
Everything is better here!
I gotta go home and see what my life is like.
Hold on. I wasn't done.
Them hippos ran a train on Donald,
and hippos shit when they fuck.
So that shit got all in his mouth like a big ol' hippo shit bukkake.
To make matters worse, his kids were there watching it.
But they didn't stop it.
They just jumped up and down and threw confetti.
So now it's a national holiday. We have a statue to commemorate it.
[patriotic music playing]
This place is huge!
My family must work at Trader Joe's or something!
Kevin! Welcome home!
Wow, Dad? You're in a good mood.
Well, it's hard not to be in a good mood
when you wake up every day with a full head of hair
and intact balls.
Dad, they're hanging out.
[chuckles] You're welcome.
I got special pants made so we can all enjoy 'em.
Hey, honey.
Carmen Electra?!
No, Kevin. It's your mother.
Don't you remember? I got that plastic surgery from Hobo-Doc?
Hobo-Doc?
Hi. I'm Hobo-Doc, world famous homeless plastic surgeon.
I do one thing, and I do it right.
Make women look like Carmen Electra.
But don't take my word for it.
Don't come to this motherfucker. He fucked me up!
Another satisfied customer.
You're just in time for dinner, Kevin.
Let's join your brothers and sisters.
Brothers and sisters?
Yeah, brothers and sisters.
[chuckles] What, are you from a different timeline or something?
They're the quadruplets conceived the day you squirted that water gun
in your father's asshole.
I came like a wildcat.
Thanks again for that, Kevin.
You remember your world-changing siblings.
Dr. Marie Crawford.
She cured cancer, AIDS,
and whatever the hell makes Patton Oswalt look like that.
And I invented the condiment clone.
How about a little mustard, sir?
No!
[laughs] I am God!
Anyway. There's Logan Crawford.
He's saved the planet by solving global warming.
Once I had cured racism, global warming was easy.
I had just enough time left over to win the Olympics.
[Randall] Acclaimed film director, Stephen Crawford,
who attained world peace through his movies.
Surprised me too, since they all starred James Corden.
[Randall] And of course Neil Crawford, who colonized Mars.
I grow potatoes with my poop.
Isn't that right, alien that I taught to talk?
Take me to your leader.
I'm just kidding. Remember when people used to think we talked like that?
Back when everyone was fucking racist.
Yep. Those high-achieving siblings of yours
are the reason this world is so perfect.
They're also in a singing group called The Crawford Kids.
Their album just hit number one.
Hit it, kids!
-♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪ -♪ The world can be amazing ♪
♪ Ooh wah wiggy wiggy ♪
♪ So give it all you got ♪
-♪ Turn poop into potatoes ♪ -♪ Ooh wah wiggy wiggy ♪
♪ Just give yourself a shot ♪
♪ Just give yourself a-- ♪
Stop! Seriously, stop.
Sorry, I just, uh, really had the urge to kill myself again.
But, uh, what about me? Do I have an impressive job?
Of course.
You're the assistant janitor at Goopy Goobers.
The head janitor says
that pretty soon they might even let you clean up the poop all by yourself.
No! No! My life sucks here too?
What do you mean, "My life sucks"? You're married to Gina.
Really?
Yeah. You were high-school sweethearts, remember?
Kevin, why are you so unaware of events in this one and only timeline?
So I do have a good life. My plan worked.
I gotta go see my wife.
Hey! Before dinner, who wants to play a round of Horny Horny Hippos?
[all cheer]
[Randall laughing] Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! [laughs]
[announcer on TV] Tonight, it's the Season 8 premiere of Brickleberry,
the Emmy and NAACP Image award-winning show.
This season, Malloy hibernates in Connie's vagina.
-[door opens] -[Gina] I'm home!
Gina!
I'm so happy to see you…
look different.
Why do you have hair like mine?
And boobs smaller than mine.
Well, don't you remember we agreed to have my boobs removed
so I could be an archer when we LARPed?
Oh, check this out.
I stood in line seven hours to get this autographed picture of Kevin Smith.
"Dear Gina, sorry about my movies."
But you hate Kevin Smith. You hate anyone who loses weight after a heart attack.
Oh, don't be silly, Kevin.
Well, if you need me, I'll be writing my Pokémon fan fiction
where they're all stand-up comics, called Jokémon.
Mmm. Uh…
Don't you wanna do something more Gina?
Like break someone's ribs or add to your violent scrapbook.
The only book I care about is my copy of Gary Gygax's "Deities and Demigods"
with a Cthulhu Mythos included.
Oh! You wanna play D&D? I'll go get the dice.
Naruto run!
What is happening?
Naruto run!
All right. Ready to play.
Ooh. But first, we need to do our Monday night routine.
Naruto run!
Don't tell me the three of us are gonna sing the "Poo Poo Choo Choo" song.
No, silly.
They're gonna sing it too.
♪ What's that coming down the track? ♪
♪ What's that poking out the back? ♪
♪ Brown or yellow, green or black ♪
♪ It's the poo poo choo choo ♪
♪ Ooh wah wiggy wiggy ♪
♪ What's that coming down the track? ♪
-[Gina defecating] -♪ What's that poking out the back… ♪
Have I always been such a pathetic loser?
Please! Stop! The baby!
-Happy Kevin Sucks Day! -[party horn blows]
-[grunts] -[Kevin screams]
[crowd cheers]
That's it. I am done!
Yay! You get a cookie!
I don't mean pooping!
Although I did poop.
[train whistle blows]
Look what I did to you, Gina.
Being your husband made you a beta just like me.
Well, I'm not gonna be that guy anymore!
[all gasp]
It's time I set things right.
I'm going back to make sure I shoot my dad in the balls.
-[warbling] -[electricity crackles]
That's weird. He left without saying goodbye to his kids.
Naruto run!
Kamehameha!
I have Patton Oswalt disease.
-[warbling] -[electricity crackles]
Drop the water gun, Beta Kevin.
-Who are you? -I'm Alpha Kevin!
Can't you tell by the missing shirtsleeves and Sharpie tattoo?
[metal music plays]
Whoa.
Listen to me. I came here from the future, and you can't save Dad's balls.
What are you talking about? If I don't, I'll never have a perfect life.
I've already lived that life, and it's anything but perfect.
You're married to Gina,
and all she wants to do is play D&D, read comics, and Naruto run everywhere.
I don't understand. Is-- is she fat?
-[Randall] Rawr. [giggling] -[Karen giggling]
Oh no. We don't have much time
until past us walks in and shoots Dad's nuts.
Mom and Dad are gonna have sex soon.
How do you know?
Because we both know their foreplay is always the same.
And they are at stage one!
Super-realistic role-playing!
[Australian accent] Yeah, I see the problem. Your coolant is low.
Randall, do we have to do all this?
[chuckles] I'm not Randall. I'm Felipé, the Australian AC guy.
And you hired me to do a job, 'member?
Oh, well in that case,
maybe there's another job I could give you. [laughs]
What are you, crazy? I can't risk my job for sex with a client!
I got a kid with Patton Oswalt disease.
Those balls have to go.
No!
We don't have time for this!
Dad's already at the second stage of foreplay!
Antagonizing a cardboard cutout to assert male dominance!
Listen here, Jerry O'Connell. Did you eye-fuck my wife?
[snarling]
[grunts] Okay, O'Connell. Okay, I give up!
[groaning]
I won't let you send me back to my shitty life!
[tense music playing]
The only reason you have a shitty life is that you're a pussy!
Look at you.
You let a group of sex dolls kick you out of your apartment.
You let your father take away your own name!
You never stand up for yourself!
But I'm a victim.
-No. You're the problem. -[gun clicks]
And my little brother said I didn't have the balls to kill myself.
[gunshot]
-[gunshot] -[Randall screams]
My nut! You shot me in my nut!
[screaming, sobbing]
Perfect. It's like I was never here.
Oh right. I better hide this body where no one will find it.
Here we go. No one ever uses this crap.
Kid, if you think this will fuck you up, wait till Coach Russo gets ahold of you.
-[warbling] -[electricity crackles]
Please, let everything be back to normal.
[miraculous music playing]
Bullet! You're a drug addict!
Hey, fuck you!
-[piccolo playing] -Fitz! You have mental problems!
Hey! Fuck you!
Hobo-Cop, you're not a doctor.
I know. I'm an astronaut.
Look at me! I'm trying to get a role on Farzar!
Uh, this-- this show is a sinking ship.
So you put everything back to normal?
That other reality must have been awful.
Probably full of cancer and racism and no Brickleberry.
What was I like?
Uh…
You were fatter. And-- and homeless. And you had a wallet chain.
Oh, that's my nightmare.
Bless you, Kevin, for your noble, heroic deed.
Well, it's time for me to take my life back.
I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Kevin, you stupid sumbitch! That was a fully functioning time machine!
I got you the Lucky Charms with no red balloons.
I am appeased.
All right! Everyone out.
Or the next thing inside you will be my fist!
And not in a sexual way.
Oh! Now you can move.
What are you doing here, AFKAK?
[whimpering]
My name is Kevin!
Say it! Say my name.
[groans] Kevin! Your name is Kevin!
[sighs] Jesus, that was intense.
I need to relax with some fancy tea and the rarely used good china.
[screams] What the fuck?!
No! Get it off me! Get it off! Help! I'm trapped inside it!
There's nowhere to run.
I'm not running this time.
You were right. I did suck.
-But I'm not that guy anymore. -[Randall slurps]
And now you're gonna respect me.
And you can start by thanking me.
Because I went back in time and found out that if I hadn't shot Dad's balls off,
you would have never been born.
Or worse. You would have been born as one of these.
-♪ It's fun to have a good time ♪ -♪ Zang doom diggy diggy ♪
♪ It's nice when you feel good ♪
[cell phone shattering]
It's okay. They can't hurt you now.
Thank you, Kevin. For not letting me be one of those singing fuck faces.
Kevin! We gotta get out of town now!
Norf! I thought you were dead!
So did the guards.
See, my pulse is extremely shallow
because I have the metabolism of a large turtle.
Yeah. Before they dumped me in a ditch,
I overheard what Charles Lovely is planning,
and we've gotta leave before he--
[low rumbling]
[suspenseful music playing]
-[electricity crackles] -The Eternal Reckoning has begun.
[dramatic music playing]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Let me have a go, boss.
[evil-laughing]
What the hell is a eternal reckoning?
Sounds like Charles Lovely's got a lot of 'splainin' to do.
-[door opens] -Grab that Ricky! He's escaped!
Naruto run!
[whimsical music playing]
[Ricardo-laughing]
[theme music playing]
[laughing continues]
[laughing stops]
[screams]