1 00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:14,586 ♪♪ 2 00:00:14,586 --> 00:00:16,482 ♪ Let's stay together ♪ 3 00:00:16,482 --> 00:00:17,551 Man: Bruce. 4 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,206 I think when this roast is over, 5 00:00:20,206 --> 00:00:25,068 you gonna find yourself one smiling motherfucker. 6 00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:27,724 Thing is, Bruce, right now, 7 00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:31,344 you're a 63-year-old action hero. 8 00:00:31,344 --> 00:00:34,931 That's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life. 9 00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:36,379 But it's a fact of life 10 00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:40,206 your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. 11 00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:44,379 If you think it gets better with age, it don't. 12 00:00:44,379 --> 00:00:48,862 How many of those movies have you got left in you? 13 00:00:48,862 --> 00:00:50,310 Two. 14 00:00:50,310 --> 00:00:53,034 You never won an Academy Award, 15 00:00:53,034 --> 00:00:58,206 and if you were gonna win one, you would've won it by now. 16 00:00:58,206 --> 00:01:01,482 Are you my nigga? 17 00:01:01,482 --> 00:01:03,689 It certainly appears so. 18 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,896 Now, the night of the roast, you may feel a sting. 19 00:01:10,896 --> 00:01:14,551 That's pride fuckin' with ya. 20 00:01:14,551 --> 00:01:17,344 Fuck pride. 21 00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:19,586 Pride only hurts. 22 00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:22,137 I've seen the movies you've made. 23 00:01:22,137 --> 00:01:27,137 You never had any pride, so why start now? 24 00:01:27,137 --> 00:01:31,620 'Cause a year from now, when you kickin' it in the Caribbean, 25 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:36,896 you gonna say, "Comedy Central was right." 26 00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:40,551 When they hit you with those jokes, you laugh. 27 00:01:40,551 --> 00:01:42,172 Say it. 28 00:01:42,172 --> 00:01:45,551 When they hit me with those jokes... 29 00:01:45,551 --> 00:01:47,482 I laugh. 30 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,034 Now get out there. 31 00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:52,896 It's time to get medieval on your ass. 32 00:01:52,896 --> 00:01:55,793 [ Cheers and applause ] 33 00:01:55,793 --> 00:01:58,620 [ Van Halen's "I'm the One" plays ] 34 00:01:58,620 --> 00:01:59,896 Come out to the coast. 35 00:01:59,896 --> 00:02:02,310 We'll get together, have a few laughs. 36 00:02:02,310 --> 00:02:08,241 ♪♪ 37 00:02:08,241 --> 00:02:09,413 Whoo! 38 00:02:09,413 --> 00:02:18,758 ♪♪ 39 00:02:18,758 --> 00:02:21,103 ♪ We came here to entertain you ♪ 40 00:02:21,103 --> 00:02:23,206 ♪ Leaving here we aggravate you ♪ 41 00:02:23,206 --> 00:02:26,758 ♪ Don't you know it means the same to me ♪ 42 00:02:26,758 --> 00:02:29,206 ♪ Honey, I'm the one, the one you love ♪ 43 00:02:29,206 --> 00:02:31,931 ♪ Come on, baby, show your love ♪ 44 00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:35,689 ♪ Hey, give it to me ♪ 45 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:39,931 ♪ I see a glow that fills this room ♪ 46 00:02:39,931 --> 00:02:44,172 ♪ I see it rolling off of you ♪ 47 00:02:44,172 --> 00:02:47,620 ♪ And now your message from above ♪ 48 00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:49,448 ♪ I'm tellin' you ♪ 49 00:02:49,448 --> 00:02:54,689 ♪ Ow, show your love ♪ 50 00:02:54,689 --> 00:02:57,586 ♪ Show your love ♪ 51 00:02:57,586 --> 00:03:01,758 This is the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis. 52 00:03:01,758 --> 00:03:08,344 ♪♪ 53 00:03:08,344 --> 00:03:11,137 And now please welcome your Roastmaster, 54 00:03:11,137 --> 00:03:13,137 Joseph Gordon-Levitt. 55 00:03:13,137 --> 00:03:16,275 [ Cheers and applause ] 56 00:03:16,275 --> 00:03:17,724 Whoa! 57 00:03:17,724 --> 00:03:21,655 ♪♪ 58 00:03:21,655 --> 00:03:23,379 Thank you. 59 00:03:23,379 --> 00:03:25,310 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 60 00:03:25,310 --> 00:03:29,000 And welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis! 61 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,137 [ Cheers and applause ] 62 00:03:32,137 --> 00:03:33,689 I am thrilled to be here. 63 00:03:33,689 --> 00:03:36,586 I've been a huge Bruce Willis fan my entire life. 64 00:03:36,586 --> 00:03:38,448 My father was a huge Bruce Willis fan. 65 00:03:38,448 --> 00:03:40,206 His father was a huge Bruce Willis fan, 66 00:03:40,206 --> 00:03:43,413 and his father before him. 67 00:03:43,413 --> 00:03:46,344 Uh, but as an actor, I-I really admire Bruce's work. 68 00:03:46,344 --> 00:03:49,551 He can play anything from an asshole cop 69 00:03:49,551 --> 00:03:51,344 to an asshole ex-cop. 70 00:03:51,344 --> 00:03:54,586 [ Laughter ] 71 00:03:54,586 --> 00:03:56,000 And when you got a star like Bruce, 72 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,000 it takes no effort to assemble a great dais. 73 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,379 [ Cheers and applause ] 74 00:04:00,379 --> 00:04:02,517 Yeah. 75 00:04:02,517 --> 00:04:04,310 No effort at all. 76 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:07,275 We have domestic guru Martha Stewart here with us. 77 00:04:07,275 --> 00:04:08,310 Martha. 78 00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:10,827 [ Cheers and applause ] 79 00:04:10,827 --> 00:04:12,448 Martha's gonna do great tonight. 80 00:04:12,448 --> 00:04:16,758 Uh, she's used to working with unwanted leftovers. 81 00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:18,689 Lil Rel, good to see you, sir. 82 00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:21,344 [ Cheers and applause ] 83 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,034 Uh, Lil Rel was on "The Carmichael Show," 84 00:04:23,034 --> 00:04:25,000 and now he's got his own show. 85 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,931 And critics say that it'll be similar 86 00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:29,034 to "The Carmichael Show" -- canceled. 87 00:04:29,034 --> 00:04:31,344 [ Laughter ] 88 00:04:33,379 --> 00:04:35,931 We got Kevin Pollak. Yeah. 89 00:04:35,931 --> 00:04:38,310 [ Cheers and applause ] 90 00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:41,275 He's in the show "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel." 91 00:04:41,275 --> 00:04:45,793 Um, he plays a character named Moishe Maisel. 92 00:04:45,793 --> 00:04:47,413 Moishe? 93 00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:49,862 If that was any more Jewish, it would control the weather. 94 00:04:49,862 --> 00:04:52,586 [ Laughter ] 95 00:04:52,586 --> 00:04:54,965 And it's awesome that Edward Norton is here. 96 00:04:54,965 --> 00:04:56,034 [ Cheers and applause ] 97 00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,137 What's up, man? 98 00:04:58,137 --> 00:05:01,068 One of the world's greatest living actors 99 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,517 is going to get roasted by Edward Norton. 100 00:05:03,517 --> 00:05:05,034 [ Laughter ] 101 00:05:05,034 --> 00:05:07,827 We also have peacemaker Dennis Rodman 102 00:05:07,827 --> 00:05:09,103 here with us tonight. 103 00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:12,275 [ Cheers and applause ] 104 00:05:12,275 --> 00:05:15,724 Dennis Rodman returning once again from North Korea. 105 00:05:15,724 --> 00:05:20,034 Uh, you know, Dennis may, uh, be the only person on the planet 106 00:05:20,034 --> 00:05:23,310 who can prevent a nuclear war. 107 00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:26,586 So I guess this is goodbye. 108 00:05:26,586 --> 00:05:28,655 [ Laughter ] 109 00:05:28,655 --> 00:05:31,620 But tonight is about our guest of honor. 110 00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,517 Let's see Bruce Willis in action, 111 00:05:33,517 --> 00:05:35,931 because nobody wants to see him in a comedy. 112 00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:37,896 Hey. 113 00:05:37,896 --> 00:05:40,034 Who are you? A cop? 114 00:05:40,034 --> 00:05:41,241 Grant: You're the wrong guy 115 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,689 in the wrong place at the wrong time. 116 00:05:43,689 --> 00:05:46,000 Man: You know what kind guys I roll with? 117 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,172 Story of my life. 118 00:05:47,172 --> 00:05:48,896 Die hards. 119 00:05:48,896 --> 00:05:50,655 Welcome to the party, pal. 120 00:05:50,655 --> 00:05:52,379 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 121 00:05:52,379 --> 00:05:53,965 ♪ Like Bruce Willis, I'm a die hard ♪ 122 00:05:53,965 --> 00:05:55,655 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 123 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,344 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 124 00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,103 ♪ I'm a die hard ♪Letterman: Bruce Willis. 125 00:05:59,103 --> 00:06:01,034 Stewart: When you walked out on "Letterman" with a meat hat... 126 00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:02,620 -No, this is all-natural. -Uh-huh. 127 00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:05,137 ...my esteem for you went through the roof. 128 00:06:05,137 --> 00:06:06,482 I am mentally ill. 129 00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,586 It's a miracle! 130 00:06:07,586 --> 00:06:09,241 I see dead people. 131 00:06:09,241 --> 00:06:10,551 In your dreams? 132 00:06:10,551 --> 00:06:13,827 Nothing personal. I just hate you. 133 00:06:13,827 --> 00:06:16,862 You know, I respect you so much for telling me that. 134 00:06:16,862 --> 00:06:18,586 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 135 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,448 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 136 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:23,000 Did you know that some actors turn down roles? 137 00:06:24,827 --> 00:06:27,068 Cynthia: You don't want to be intimidating everybody. 138 00:06:27,068 --> 00:06:29,241 You used to be such a happy-go-lucky guy. 139 00:06:29,241 --> 00:06:32,241 Hey, I'm happy-go-- I'm very happy-go-lucky. 140 00:06:32,241 --> 00:06:35,275 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 141 00:06:35,275 --> 00:06:38,793 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ 142 00:06:38,793 --> 00:06:40,482 Together: Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce! 143 00:06:40,482 --> 00:06:42,344 We love him as a rock star. 144 00:06:42,344 --> 00:06:43,896 ♪♪ 145 00:06:43,896 --> 00:06:47,000 The United States government just asked us to save the world. 146 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,517 Anybody want to say no? 147 00:06:49,517 --> 00:06:51,931 Hartigan: Hell of a way to end a partnership. 148 00:06:51,931 --> 00:06:55,413 Feel that sting, big boy, huh? That's pride fuckin' with you. 149 00:06:55,413 --> 00:06:57,689 ♪ If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man ♪ 150 00:06:57,689 --> 00:06:59,241 Pretty lucky shot, huh? 151 00:06:59,241 --> 00:07:02,275 ♪ You win some, lose some, all the same to me ♪ 152 00:07:02,275 --> 00:07:03,448 You're not gonna kill me. 153 00:07:03,448 --> 00:07:05,586 No. Jack is. 154 00:07:05,586 --> 00:07:07,413 ♪ I don't share your greed ♪ 155 00:07:07,413 --> 00:07:10,172 ♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪ 156 00:07:10,172 --> 00:07:12,172 Whoo!♪ The ace of spades ♪ 157 00:07:12,172 --> 00:07:13,241 Who's Zed? 158 00:07:13,241 --> 00:07:14,448 Zed's dead, baby. 159 00:07:14,448 --> 00:07:15,827 -Aah! -Zed's dead. 160 00:07:15,827 --> 00:07:17,586 ♪ You know I'm born to lose ♪ 161 00:07:17,586 --> 00:07:19,275 ♪ And gambling's for fools ♪ 162 00:07:19,275 --> 00:07:21,068 ♪ But that's the way I like it, baby ♪ 163 00:07:21,068 --> 00:07:23,068 ♪ I don't wanna live forever ♪ 164 00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:26,344 -You all right? -My cholesterol's a little high. 165 00:07:26,344 --> 00:07:28,241 Anybody else want to negotiate? 166 00:07:28,241 --> 00:07:29,793 Oh, shit! 167 00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:33,034 Mikey: Oh, no, put me back in. Put me back in. 168 00:07:33,034 --> 00:07:34,724 ♪ The only thing you see ♪ 169 00:07:34,724 --> 00:07:36,413 ♪ You know it's gonna be ♪ 170 00:07:36,413 --> 00:07:38,103 ♪ The ace of spades ♪ 171 00:07:38,103 --> 00:07:39,586 ♪ The ace of spades ♪ 172 00:07:39,586 --> 00:07:42,137 Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy? 173 00:07:42,137 --> 00:07:44,517 Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker. 174 00:07:44,517 --> 00:07:46,103 Motherfucker. 175 00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:47,241 Motherfucker. 176 00:07:47,241 --> 00:07:49,448 Yippee ki-yay, William Faulkner. 177 00:07:50,827 --> 00:07:54,241 [ Cheers and applause ] 178 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,931 He's got a sixth sense. 179 00:07:55,931 --> 00:07:57,448 Let's hope it's a sense of humor. 180 00:07:57,448 --> 00:07:59,793 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour, 181 00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:01,758 Bruce Willis! 182 00:08:01,758 --> 00:08:09,586 ♪♪ 183 00:08:09,586 --> 00:08:17,448 ♪♪ 184 00:08:17,448 --> 00:08:25,241 ♪♪ 185 00:08:27,413 --> 00:08:28,655 -You feeling good? -Yes. 186 00:08:28,655 --> 00:08:30,275 -Are you ready for this? -Very well. 187 00:08:30,275 --> 00:08:33,896 So, Bruce Willis. 188 00:08:33,896 --> 00:08:35,310 What a career, right? 189 00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:38,482 "The Fifth Element," "The Sixth Sense," 190 00:08:38,482 --> 00:08:42,068 "The Whole Nine Yards," "12 Monkeys." 191 00:08:42,068 --> 00:08:43,793 Zero Oscars. 192 00:08:43,793 --> 00:08:45,275 [ Laughter ] 193 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,517 Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, 194 00:08:47,517 --> 00:08:49,793 Wes Anderson, Michael Bay, 195 00:08:49,793 --> 00:08:51,620 these are just some of Bruce's directors 196 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:53,586 who refused to be here tonight. 197 00:08:53,586 --> 00:08:57,068 [ Laughter ] 198 00:08:57,068 --> 00:09:01,068 Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part 199 00:09:01,068 --> 00:09:02,793 of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 200 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,620 [ Laughter ] 201 00:09:08,137 --> 00:09:10,793 And -- And it's not just action movies that made Bruce a star. 202 00:09:10,793 --> 00:09:12,689 He's actually a great dramatic actor, too. 203 00:09:12,689 --> 00:09:14,862 I loved "The Sixth Sense." 204 00:09:14,862 --> 00:09:16,413 It's a great movie. 205 00:09:16,413 --> 00:09:18,275 And it's a really impressive performance. 206 00:09:18,275 --> 00:09:20,206 I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed 207 00:09:20,206 --> 00:09:22,931 while a 10-year-old kid acted circles around you. 208 00:09:22,931 --> 00:09:24,965 But you did it. 209 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,310 And, uh -- And the ending. 210 00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,413 I did not see that twist coming. 211 00:09:28,413 --> 00:09:30,620 I mean I-I shouldn't spoil it, but... 212 00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:32,241 I mean, fuck it. It's been like 20 years. 213 00:09:32,241 --> 00:09:33,551 It's so good. 214 00:09:33,551 --> 00:09:34,896 Okay, so, at the end of "The Sixth Sense," 215 00:09:34,896 --> 00:09:37,413 Bruce goes back to making shitty movies. 216 00:09:37,413 --> 00:09:39,206 [ Laughter ] 217 00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,241 I had a blast working with Bruce 218 00:09:44,241 --> 00:09:46,379 in a time-travel movie called "Looper." 219 00:09:46,379 --> 00:09:49,448 [ Cheers and applause ]Thank you, thank you. 220 00:09:49,448 --> 00:09:52,827 So, in the film, uh, I play a young Bruce Willis, 221 00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:55,965 and he played a washed-up Bruce Willis. 222 00:09:55,965 --> 00:09:58,517 But it was this crazy sci-fi premise 223 00:09:58,517 --> 00:09:59,896 where I end up in the future 224 00:09:59,896 --> 00:10:03,172 and Bruce ends up in a good movie made after 1999. 225 00:10:03,172 --> 00:10:05,206 [ Laughter ] 226 00:10:05,206 --> 00:10:06,448 We want you to have a good time tonight, 227 00:10:06,448 --> 00:10:08,517 but don't get too comfortable up here, 228 00:10:08,517 --> 00:10:10,689 because later, we're gonna be replacing you 229 00:10:10,689 --> 00:10:12,689 with Ashton Kutcher. 230 00:10:12,689 --> 00:10:14,137 Relax! 231 00:10:14,137 --> 00:10:15,896 Relax. 232 00:10:15,896 --> 00:10:17,655 Bruce gets along with him fine. 233 00:10:17,655 --> 00:10:20,172 He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. 234 00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:23,586 His gift was a toaster and $90 million. 235 00:10:23,586 --> 00:10:27,172 [ Laughter ] 236 00:10:27,172 --> 00:10:28,931 Well, listen, whatever anybody says here tonight, 237 00:10:28,931 --> 00:10:30,206 here's the truth, okay? 238 00:10:30,206 --> 00:10:32,689 Deep down, every single one of us 239 00:10:32,689 --> 00:10:36,413 wishes that we have that -- that courage, 240 00:10:36,413 --> 00:10:39,172 that swagger of, like, I don't give a fuck that -- 241 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:42,482 that you embody better than any other movie star of our time. 242 00:10:42,482 --> 00:10:44,448 Really. You give us what we want, 243 00:10:44,448 --> 00:10:46,275 and we love you for it. 244 00:10:46,275 --> 00:10:49,034 And so, tonight, let's honor 245 00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:52,103 one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood. 246 00:10:52,103 --> 00:10:54,000 [ Laughter ] 247 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,241 Not the one who won an Oscar 248 00:10:56,241 --> 00:10:59,344 and not the one who became the governor of California, 249 00:10:59,344 --> 00:11:04,000 but the one whose agent is just an outgoing message that says, 250 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,344 "He'll take it!" 251 00:11:05,344 --> 00:11:07,172 Walter Bruce Willis! 252 00:11:07,172 --> 00:11:10,000 [ Cheers and applause ] 253 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,896 Coming up, Nikki Glaser... 254 00:11:11,896 --> 00:11:14,827 I-I'm not gonna be funny, but I look hot, so that's fine. 255 00:11:14,827 --> 00:11:16,724 ...Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd, 256 00:11:16,724 --> 00:11:17,724 Lil Rel Howery... 257 00:11:17,724 --> 00:11:19,275 No hard feelings, brother. 258 00:11:19,275 --> 00:11:22,034 ...Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera, 259 00:11:22,034 --> 00:11:25,689 Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross, and Demi Moore, 260 00:11:25,689 --> 00:11:28,793 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 261 00:11:31,206 --> 00:11:34,965 [ Cheers and applause ] 262 00:11:34,965 --> 00:11:36,689 Our first roaster tonight 263 00:11:36,689 --> 00:11:39,655 is someone who definitely needs an introduction -- 264 00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,137 Nikki Glaser! 265 00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:42,896 When she's not hosting her hit radio show, 266 00:11:42,896 --> 00:11:44,206 you can find her blowing around 267 00:11:44,206 --> 00:11:47,758 outside car dealerships during Toyotathon. 268 00:11:47,758 --> 00:11:49,620 Please welcome Nikki Glaser! 269 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:51,689 [ Cheers and applause ] 270 00:11:51,689 --> 00:11:56,413 ♪♪ 271 00:11:56,413 --> 00:11:59,034 Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone! 272 00:11:59,034 --> 00:12:00,620 [ Cheers and applause ] 273 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:03,620 He's so cute, so adorable. 274 00:12:03,620 --> 00:12:08,379 I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first. 275 00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,827 Isn't that his look? 276 00:12:10,827 --> 00:12:12,172 Speaking of crusty pussy, 277 00:12:12,172 --> 00:12:13,482 I'll get to you in a second, Cybill. 278 00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:14,689 I, um... 279 00:12:14,689 --> 00:12:17,241 [ Laughter ] 280 00:12:17,241 --> 00:12:19,034 I know. 281 00:12:19,034 --> 00:12:21,172 I know. 282 00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:24,344 Martha Stewart, "shank" you for being here. 283 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,517 [ Laughter ]Shank. 284 00:12:26,517 --> 00:12:28,172 Seriously, and congratulations 285 00:12:28,172 --> 00:12:31,034 on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina. 286 00:12:31,034 --> 00:12:33,206 [ Audience groans, laughter ] 287 00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:39,724 And into your sweatshops. 288 00:12:39,724 --> 00:12:41,344 That's where they are now. 289 00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:47,103 Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad. 290 00:12:47,103 --> 00:12:50,206 Just, you know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so... 291 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,172 She loves attention to detail. 292 00:12:56,172 --> 00:12:59,137 Is she laughing? 293 00:12:59,137 --> 00:13:00,827 I'm terrified of her. 294 00:13:00,827 --> 00:13:03,241 [ Laughter ] 295 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,620 No, I -- Honestly, Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan, 296 00:13:05,620 --> 00:13:07,068 and my mom is an even bigger fan. 297 00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:08,793 My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart 298 00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:13,793 about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection, so... 299 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,931 It's close to my heart. 300 00:13:15,931 --> 00:13:17,896 Kevin Pollak is here. 301 00:13:17,896 --> 00:13:19,068 [ Cheers and applause ] 302 00:13:19,068 --> 00:13:22,551 Ah, such an amazing actor. 303 00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,517 Most -- Uh, I know Kevin as, like, 304 00:13:24,517 --> 00:13:26,827 one of the greatest impressionists of all time. 305 00:13:26,827 --> 00:13:28,000 I'm a huge fan. 306 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,620 My favorite of his is, um, 307 00:13:29,620 --> 00:13:32,034 he does an amazing Robin Williams. 308 00:13:32,034 --> 00:13:34,241 I-I just wish he would finish it. 309 00:13:34,241 --> 00:13:37,034 [ Audience groans ] 310 00:13:37,034 --> 00:13:38,482 Yeah. Okay, guys. 311 00:13:38,482 --> 00:13:40,241 Listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost 312 00:13:40,241 --> 00:13:42,068 a lot of greats to suicide recently, 313 00:13:42,068 --> 00:13:44,620 and it's time we lose some okays. 314 00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:47,000 [ Laughter, groaning ] 315 00:13:50,137 --> 00:13:51,448 Cybill's gorgeous. 316 00:13:51,448 --> 00:13:53,896 I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um -- 317 00:13:53,896 --> 00:13:55,413 and her résumé is insane. 318 00:13:55,413 --> 00:13:57,379 Like, if you look at it, it's just like model, 319 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:58,482 actor, singer. 320 00:13:58,482 --> 00:14:00,724 You name it, she's fucked it. 321 00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:02,862 [ Laughter, groaning ] 322 00:14:05,482 --> 00:14:06,862 I wish that wasn't true. 323 00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:09,344 I don't know any of these people. 324 00:14:09,344 --> 00:14:11,689 Cybill... 325 00:14:11,689 --> 00:14:12,965 Why am I here? 326 00:14:12,965 --> 00:14:14,827 Ugh. 327 00:14:14,827 --> 00:14:17,034 Literally, you have, like, no friends. 328 00:14:17,034 --> 00:14:18,379 Um... 329 00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:21,275 [ Laughter ] 330 00:14:21,275 --> 00:14:24,034 It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage 331 00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:25,655 with these badass women -- 332 00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:29,517 Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret Cho. 333 00:14:29,517 --> 00:14:30,586 I'm sorry, Dom Irrera. 334 00:14:30,586 --> 00:14:33,448 I -- Uh, sorry. 335 00:14:33,448 --> 00:14:35,482 I thought that was... 336 00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:37,620 [ Laughter ] 337 00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:39,275 Dom Irrer-- I know. 338 00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:41,034 You sleepy potato. 339 00:14:41,034 --> 00:14:43,793 [ Laughter ] 340 00:14:43,793 --> 00:14:45,827 Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke 341 00:14:45,827 --> 00:14:47,413 on both sides of your face? 342 00:14:47,413 --> 00:14:49,034 -Explain that. -I don't know. 343 00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:51,758 I don't get it. 344 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:55,551 Dennis Rodman, what's up? 345 00:14:55,551 --> 00:14:57,310 Dennis Rodman! 346 00:14:57,310 --> 00:14:59,724 I first met Dennis just earlier tonight 347 00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:02,482 when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk. 348 00:15:02,482 --> 00:15:06,068 [ Laughter ] 349 00:15:06,068 --> 00:15:10,034 I don't want any, okay? 350 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,689 Edward Norton is here. 351 00:15:11,689 --> 00:15:13,965 [ Cheers and applause ] 352 00:15:13,965 --> 00:15:16,655 Hey, buddy. 353 00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:19,551 Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy 354 00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:23,310 and then that boy became an asshole. 355 00:15:23,310 --> 00:15:25,482 Right? 356 00:15:25,482 --> 00:15:29,655 He was so hot in "Fight Club," right? 357 00:15:29,655 --> 00:15:31,068 When he was Brad Pitt. 358 00:15:31,068 --> 00:15:33,000 That was nuts. 359 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,517 [ Laughter ] 360 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,482 Now let's get to Bruce! 361 00:15:38,482 --> 00:15:42,034 [ Cheers and applause ] 362 00:15:42,034 --> 00:15:43,655 -Bruce? -Yes? 363 00:15:43,655 --> 00:15:45,482 This is honestly a real -- 364 00:15:45,482 --> 00:15:47,758 a big personal moment for me to be here 365 00:15:47,758 --> 00:15:52,206 roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star. 366 00:15:52,206 --> 00:15:55,344 I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD 367 00:15:55,344 --> 00:15:57,551 you kind of just find on the street. 368 00:15:57,551 --> 00:15:59,827 [ Laughter ] 369 00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:03,068 Obviously, you had an amazing action-film career 370 00:16:03,068 --> 00:16:05,689 until Jason Statham started balding. 371 00:16:05,689 --> 00:16:07,862 [ Laughter ] 372 00:16:07,862 --> 00:16:10,448 I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know. 373 00:16:10,448 --> 00:16:14,931 I've never seen a single one of your films consensually. 374 00:16:14,931 --> 00:16:16,620 Like... 375 00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:18,551 it's always what some guy puts on 376 00:16:18,551 --> 00:16:21,172 while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. 377 00:16:21,172 --> 00:16:23,379 Do you know what I'm saying? 378 00:16:25,379 --> 00:16:27,793 Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element," 379 00:16:27,793 --> 00:16:29,206 and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl, 380 00:16:29,206 --> 00:16:31,275 but because it's hard to follow that plot 381 00:16:31,275 --> 00:16:32,620 when you're fighting off a roofie 382 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,896 and there's a knuckle inside you, you know? 383 00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:38,068 Just me? 384 00:16:38,068 --> 00:16:39,758 Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense," though. 385 00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:42,655 I loved -- And the ending, when the guy came in my eye 386 00:16:42,655 --> 00:16:45,413 and I didn't have to watch the rest of it, that was great. 387 00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:50,517 A lot of people don't know 388 00:16:50,517 --> 00:16:53,965 that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't. 389 00:16:53,965 --> 00:16:56,689 [ Laughter ] 390 00:16:56,689 --> 00:16:59,586 Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, 391 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,379 which is where they make sick kids meet you 392 00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:05,000 so dying doesn't seem so terrible. 393 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,827 It's so cruel. 394 00:17:06,827 --> 00:17:09,724 Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for having me here. 395 00:17:09,724 --> 00:17:12,448 You're really cool. You're so hot. 396 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,172 And this is a special night. 397 00:17:14,172 --> 00:17:16,931 You really are. It's a special night, obviously. 398 00:17:16,931 --> 00:17:18,965 Your family -- Your daughters must be so proud 399 00:17:18,965 --> 00:17:21,275 of their father, Ashton Kutcher. 400 00:17:21,275 --> 00:17:22,551 [ Laughter ] 401 00:17:22,551 --> 00:17:24,896 Thank you very much. Good night. 402 00:17:24,896 --> 00:17:26,965 [ Cheers and applause ] 403 00:17:26,965 --> 00:17:29,379 -Oh, that's so good. -Thank you. 404 00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:31,137 I got 'em. Sorry. Thank you. 405 00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,137 No. 406 00:17:32,137 --> 00:17:33,379 It felt good. 407 00:17:33,379 --> 00:17:35,206 Coming up, Kevin Pollak... 408 00:17:35,206 --> 00:17:36,551 You're going down. 409 00:17:36,551 --> 00:17:37,896 ...and Cybill Shepherd. 410 00:17:37,896 --> 00:17:39,551 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. 411 00:17:39,551 --> 00:17:42,586 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 412 00:17:45,310 --> 00:17:47,344 [ Cheers and applause ] 413 00:17:47,344 --> 00:17:49,724 ♪♪ 414 00:17:49,724 --> 00:17:51,310 All right! 415 00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:54,551 Our next roaster is Kevin Pollak. 416 00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:57,965 [ Cheers and applause ]Yes. 417 00:17:57,965 --> 00:18:00,689 What a career he's had -- over 150 movies 418 00:18:00,689 --> 00:18:03,034 and just under 12 minutes of screen time. 419 00:18:03,034 --> 00:18:04,965 [ Laughter ] 420 00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:06,620 Please welcome Kevin Pollak. 421 00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:08,827 [ Cheers and applause ] 422 00:18:08,827 --> 00:18:14,379 ♪♪ 423 00:18:14,379 --> 00:18:18,344 Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fuckin' name. 424 00:18:18,344 --> 00:18:21,793 You know... 425 00:18:21,793 --> 00:18:24,103 You're doing a great job tonight, Joey. 426 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,034 -You are, really. -Thank you, thank you. 427 00:18:26,034 --> 00:18:28,310 He's such a pro. 428 00:18:28,310 --> 00:18:30,172 It's no wonder you've been working steadily in Hollywood 429 00:18:30,172 --> 00:18:32,793 since you were 6 years old. 430 00:18:32,793 --> 00:18:34,689 'Course, it helps when your parents aren't choosy 431 00:18:34,689 --> 00:18:36,551 about who touches your pee-pee. 432 00:18:36,551 --> 00:18:38,551 [ Laughter ] 433 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,586 Speaking of Dennis Rodman, I got to say... 434 00:18:50,344 --> 00:18:53,482 It's odd to see you here. It really is. 435 00:18:53,482 --> 00:18:56,241 It's just odd. 436 00:18:56,241 --> 00:19:01,137 I mean, it's just if you knew Bruce, you know... 437 00:19:05,206 --> 00:19:07,103 He's not fond of the blacks. 438 00:19:07,103 --> 00:19:11,103 [ Laughter ] 439 00:19:11,103 --> 00:19:13,310 Do you see him disagreeing? Or is he laughing? 440 00:19:13,310 --> 00:19:16,620 [ Laughter ] 441 00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:20,344 You might think with a name like Nikki Glaser 442 00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:22,758 that she's Jewish, but she's not. 443 00:19:22,758 --> 00:19:26,000 You can tell, actually, because, uh, Jews are funny. 444 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,655 [ Laughter ] 445 00:19:28,655 --> 00:19:32,379 Nikki said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex -- 446 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:33,758 her words. 447 00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:37,068 Hey, good for you. 448 00:19:37,068 --> 00:19:39,068 I mean, it makes sense. Obviously you don't eat. 449 00:19:39,068 --> 00:19:41,551 So you might as well use that hole for something, huh? 450 00:19:41,551 --> 00:19:42,482 [ Laughter ] 451 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,793 Thank you. 452 00:19:46,103 --> 00:19:47,724 That's so nice. 453 00:19:49,068 --> 00:19:52,275 Edward Norton, you, sir, are fantastic, 454 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:54,724 one of my all-time favorites. 455 00:19:54,724 --> 00:19:58,206 Honestly. You want to know how brilliant Ed Norton is? 456 00:19:58,206 --> 00:19:59,206 Ask him. 457 00:19:59,206 --> 00:20:01,827 [ Laughter ] 458 00:20:04,172 --> 00:20:06,275 And now on to the man of the hour, Bruce Willis, 459 00:20:06,275 --> 00:20:07,827 who I've known... 460 00:20:07,827 --> 00:20:10,137 [ Cheers and applause ] 461 00:20:10,137 --> 00:20:12,827 I've known Bruce for a very, very long time. 462 00:20:12,827 --> 00:20:15,344 We've done three films together, one of them not horrible. 463 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:19,827 I really don't understand why you agreed to do this. 464 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,413 I mean, if you wanted to be humiliated, clearly, 465 00:20:22,413 --> 00:20:25,965 we both know you could've just released another singing album. 466 00:20:25,965 --> 00:20:27,413 [ Laughter ] 467 00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:30,137 Some of you may not know because he bought every copy, 468 00:20:30,137 --> 00:20:33,551 but Bruce released an R&B LP back in the '80s. 469 00:20:33,551 --> 00:20:37,517 I did some research to find out whose idea this album was. 470 00:20:37,517 --> 00:20:40,206 Turns out it was his manager. 471 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,413 And by "his manager," I mean cocaine. 472 00:20:42,413 --> 00:20:44,931 [ Laughter ] 473 00:20:44,931 --> 00:20:48,724 Just a tremendous amount of coke. 474 00:20:48,724 --> 00:20:51,965 Like, a Jeff Ross-sized container of coke. 475 00:20:54,034 --> 00:20:56,724 Bruce, pal, you've done some great work recently, 476 00:20:56,724 --> 00:20:58,000 especially your subtle turn 477 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,068 in Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom." 478 00:21:00,068 --> 00:21:02,206 Loved that film. 479 00:21:02,206 --> 00:21:04,172 Yeah. 480 00:21:04,172 --> 00:21:07,862 The story of two fifth-graders falling in love. 481 00:21:07,862 --> 00:21:10,793 Bruce would've fallen in love with a fifth-grader 482 00:21:10,793 --> 00:21:14,482 if he had met his current wife way back when he was 47. 483 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:16,310 [ Laughter ] 484 00:21:19,275 --> 00:21:22,241 I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife, 485 00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:24,586 Demi Moore, in the film "A Few Good Men." 486 00:21:24,586 --> 00:21:27,241 Yeah.[ Cheers and applause ] 487 00:21:27,241 --> 00:21:29,103 I think it's time everyone knew something about Demi. 488 00:21:29,103 --> 00:21:30,655 When she shaved her head, 489 00:21:30,655 --> 00:21:33,517 she said it was for her role in the film "G.I. Jane." 490 00:21:33,517 --> 00:21:36,241 But the truth is, she shaved her head 491 00:21:36,241 --> 00:21:39,931 because she loved her husband, Bruce. 492 00:21:39,931 --> 00:21:42,344 And he wanted to fuck his own face. 493 00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:44,068 [ Laughter ] 494 00:21:49,965 --> 00:21:53,931 And now, Bruce, one of your friends and co-stars 495 00:21:53,931 --> 00:21:55,965 from "Pulp Fiction" couldn't be here tonight, 496 00:21:55,965 --> 00:21:58,137 so they've asked me to pass along a message 497 00:21:58,137 --> 00:21:59,448 from Christopher Walken. 498 00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:02,000 They've put it up here for me. Here it is. 499 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,379 [ As Christopher Walken ] "Hey, Bruce. 500 00:22:04,379 --> 00:22:06,068 [ Laughter ] 501 00:22:06,068 --> 00:22:09,137 Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral. 502 00:22:14,206 --> 00:22:18,758 I did want to say, I've always been a fan, 503 00:22:18,758 --> 00:22:23,827 particularly your work in the film "12 Monkeys." 504 00:22:23,827 --> 00:22:29,310 Sure, I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey. 505 00:22:31,344 --> 00:22:36,000 But you gave a beautifully nuanced performance 506 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:40,034 reminiscent of a monkey 507 00:22:40,034 --> 00:22:42,758 who poops in his hands 508 00:22:42,758 --> 00:22:46,206 and then throws it in your face. 509 00:22:46,206 --> 00:22:49,586 Mostly, though, I wanted to take this opportunity 510 00:22:49,586 --> 00:22:52,965 to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant, 511 00:22:52,965 --> 00:22:55,827 Planet Hollywood. 512 00:22:55,827 --> 00:22:57,241 Ooh. 513 00:22:57,241 --> 00:23:02,344 If I'm honest, it's also my favorite planet. 514 00:23:02,344 --> 00:23:06,241 [ Laughter ] 515 00:23:06,241 --> 00:23:09,413 Thank you, Bruce Willis, 516 00:23:09,413 --> 00:23:15,482 for having the vision and the courage to ask, 517 00:23:15,482 --> 00:23:20,793 'Hey, who wouldn't want to eat $40 potato skins 518 00:23:20,793 --> 00:23:23,793 in a booth next to the hat from "Billy Bathgate"?'" 519 00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:26,068 [ Laughter ] 520 00:23:26,068 --> 00:23:28,482 [ Cheers and applause ] 521 00:23:32,862 --> 00:23:34,517 [ Normal voice ] All ball-busting aside, 522 00:23:34,517 --> 00:23:36,344 you've been a dear pal to me and my family 523 00:23:36,344 --> 00:23:38,655 for a very long time, Bruce, and I love you. 524 00:23:38,655 --> 00:23:40,068 Oh, I love you, buddy. 525 00:23:40,068 --> 00:23:42,172 [ Cheers and applause ] 526 00:23:42,172 --> 00:23:45,793 ♪♪ 527 00:23:45,793 --> 00:23:48,172 Coming up, Cybill Shepherd... 528 00:23:48,172 --> 00:23:50,724 I love you, and I always will. 529 00:23:50,724 --> 00:23:52,172 ...and Lil Rel Howery. 530 00:23:52,172 --> 00:23:53,689 They want me to say really mean things 531 00:23:53,689 --> 00:23:55,517 to Bruce Willis, but I won't. 532 00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:59,172 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 533 00:24:02,137 --> 00:24:03,862 [ Cheers and applause ] 534 00:24:03,862 --> 00:24:08,517 ♪♪ 535 00:24:08,517 --> 00:24:11,724 Our next roaster is Cybill Shepherd. 536 00:24:11,724 --> 00:24:14,137 [ Cheers and applause ] 537 00:24:14,137 --> 00:24:17,551 Cybill has the distinction of being the first actress 538 00:24:17,551 --> 00:24:20,827 to hate working with Bruce Willis. 539 00:24:20,827 --> 00:24:25,931 I just learned this. She dated Elvis when she was 19. 540 00:24:25,931 --> 00:24:28,793 And last year, her vagina was inducted 541 00:24:28,793 --> 00:24:31,655 into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 542 00:24:31,655 --> 00:24:33,655 Please welcome Cybill Shepherd! 543 00:24:33,655 --> 00:24:35,689 [ Cheers and applause ] 544 00:24:35,689 --> 00:24:43,586 ♪♪ 545 00:24:50,551 --> 00:24:54,896 I love you all here tonight so much. 546 00:24:54,896 --> 00:24:58,379 And I particularly love one of the most brilliant actors 547 00:24:58,379 --> 00:25:01,482 and finest men I've ever known, Mr. Willis. 548 00:25:01,482 --> 00:25:05,206 [ Cheers and applause ] 549 00:25:05,206 --> 00:25:06,068 Thank you, darling. 550 00:25:06,068 --> 00:25:07,275 This is my first roast, 551 00:25:07,275 --> 00:25:10,068 and I have to say, I'm shocked. 552 00:25:10,068 --> 00:25:11,931 Whew! I've heard words here tonight 553 00:25:11,931 --> 00:25:15,793 that I have never heard before, like "Lil." 554 00:25:15,793 --> 00:25:18,620 [ Laughter ] 555 00:25:18,620 --> 00:25:20,448 And "Rel." 556 00:25:20,448 --> 00:25:22,448 [ Laughter ] 557 00:25:22,448 --> 00:25:24,517 Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here, 558 00:25:24,517 --> 00:25:27,068 because I've been meaning to apologize 559 00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:29,620 for calling the police about your barbecue. 560 00:25:29,620 --> 00:25:31,620 [ Laughter ] 561 00:25:37,517 --> 00:25:39,689 Bruce Willis, I'm so happy to see you. 562 00:25:39,689 --> 00:25:42,000 Gosh, the last time I saw your face, 563 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,241 I was shopping for movies at the gas station. 564 00:25:44,241 --> 00:25:47,931 [ Laughter ] 565 00:25:47,931 --> 00:25:50,137 "Moonlighting" was considered the first "dramedy" -- 566 00:25:50,137 --> 00:25:52,689 a mix of drama and comedy, 567 00:25:52,689 --> 00:25:54,344 which is also a good way to describe 568 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:56,517 Bruce's acting style. 569 00:25:56,517 --> 00:25:58,827 [ Laughter ] 570 00:26:00,551 --> 00:26:04,655 When he does comedy, it seems like drama, 571 00:26:04,655 --> 00:26:08,862 and when he does drama, it's hilarious. 572 00:26:08,862 --> 00:26:10,344 But Hollywood wouldn't be Hollywood 573 00:26:10,344 --> 00:26:13,689 if they didn't reward a man for aging into mediocrity. 574 00:26:13,689 --> 00:26:15,862 [ Cheers and applause ] 575 00:26:19,103 --> 00:26:21,448 Bruce went on to make 96 movies 576 00:26:21,448 --> 00:26:24,000 using just one facial expression. 577 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,931 [ Laughter ] 578 00:26:26,931 --> 00:26:29,241 Ed Norton, I was so excited to meet you. 579 00:26:29,241 --> 00:26:32,034 I still think you should have won the Academy Award 580 00:26:32,034 --> 00:26:36,068 for playing a Neo-Nazi in "American History X." 581 00:26:36,068 --> 00:26:37,137 Yes. 582 00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:39,482 [ Cheers and applause ] 583 00:26:39,482 --> 00:26:41,241 If you had done that movie today, 584 00:26:41,241 --> 00:26:44,068 you would not only have gotten an Oscar, 585 00:26:44,068 --> 00:26:46,793 you would get a cabinet position in the White House. 586 00:26:46,793 --> 00:26:49,724 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 587 00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:55,310 I'm thrilled that I got to meet Martha Stewart tonight. 588 00:26:55,310 --> 00:26:58,793 I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies. 589 00:26:58,793 --> 00:27:03,034 I did my best, but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart 590 00:27:03,034 --> 00:27:04,344 was the FBI. 591 00:27:04,344 --> 00:27:06,137 [ Laughter ] 592 00:27:10,206 --> 00:27:12,000 And then there's Dom Irrera 593 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,586 bringing his classic Italian charm. 594 00:27:14,586 --> 00:27:18,172 Two minutes after I met him, he was hittin' on me. 595 00:27:18,172 --> 00:27:21,068 I had to tell him, "Sorry, the last time I had sex 596 00:27:21,068 --> 00:27:23,586 with a 69-year-old, I was 18." 597 00:27:23,586 --> 00:27:26,310 [ Laughter ] 598 00:27:26,310 --> 00:27:28,689 And he owned the studio. 599 00:27:28,689 --> 00:27:31,862 He didn't just live in one. 600 00:27:31,862 --> 00:27:34,241 I ran into Nikki Glaser in the ladies' room. 601 00:27:34,241 --> 00:27:37,931 I saw her from behind, with her slender body and blond hair, 602 00:27:37,931 --> 00:27:40,862 and I thought, "She must be a model." 603 00:27:40,862 --> 00:27:42,586 Then she turned around, and I thought, 604 00:27:42,586 --> 00:27:44,758 "Nope, she's a comic." 605 00:27:44,758 --> 00:27:48,724 [ Laughter ] 606 00:27:48,724 --> 00:27:51,241 Our characters on "Moonlighting" weren't much of a stretch. 607 00:27:51,241 --> 00:27:55,241 I played a former model, which I was. 608 00:27:55,241 --> 00:27:57,689 And he played an asshole... 609 00:27:57,689 --> 00:27:59,413 which he is. 610 00:27:59,413 --> 00:28:01,448 [ Laughter ] 611 00:28:04,862 --> 00:28:08,275 Bruce and I were really attracted to each other, 612 00:28:08,275 --> 00:28:10,655 but familiarity can breed contempt, 613 00:28:10,655 --> 00:28:12,862 so we didn't act on it. 614 00:28:12,862 --> 00:28:14,413 Too bad. 615 00:28:14,413 --> 00:28:17,000 Because based on how much we ended up hating each other, 616 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,310 the sex would've been incredible. 617 00:28:20,310 --> 00:28:23,551 We actually came very close one time to having sex. 618 00:28:23,551 --> 00:28:26,379 But then he whipped it out, started playing with it, 619 00:28:26,379 --> 00:28:28,896 and ruined everything. 620 00:28:28,896 --> 00:28:31,068 I'm talking about your harmonica! 621 00:28:31,068 --> 00:28:34,068 [ Laughter ] 622 00:28:34,068 --> 00:28:36,758 Sadly, the stars never aligned for us, 623 00:28:36,758 --> 00:28:40,344 and it's never gonna happen now for one obvious reason -- 624 00:28:40,344 --> 00:28:43,310 You are way too old for me. 625 00:28:43,310 --> 00:28:45,551 [ Laughter ] 626 00:28:45,551 --> 00:28:47,172 Sure, our relationship was volatile 627 00:28:47,172 --> 00:28:48,620 and sometimes explosive, 628 00:28:48,620 --> 00:28:52,206 but in the end, it was the perfect formula for success. 629 00:28:52,206 --> 00:28:54,655 I know we haven't had a conversation in 30 years, 630 00:28:54,655 --> 00:28:58,172 but we'll always have something more important -- 631 00:28:58,172 --> 00:29:00,482 residuals. 632 00:29:00,482 --> 00:29:02,034 Good night. Thank you. 633 00:29:02,034 --> 00:29:04,206 [ Cheers and applause ] 634 00:29:04,206 --> 00:29:08,965 ♪♪ 635 00:29:08,965 --> 00:29:12,275 -I love you. -Thank you so much. 636 00:29:12,275 --> 00:29:13,655 Gordon-Levitt: All right. 637 00:29:13,655 --> 00:29:15,482 He provided the comic relief in "Get Out," 638 00:29:15,482 --> 00:29:16,827 but don't expect that tonight. 639 00:29:16,827 --> 00:29:18,448 Please welcome Lil Rel. 640 00:29:18,448 --> 00:29:20,655 [ Cheers and applause ] 641 00:29:20,655 --> 00:29:27,344 ♪♪ 642 00:29:29,137 --> 00:29:32,793 Oh, shit. What am I doing here? 643 00:29:32,793 --> 00:29:35,655 I don't know any of these old-ass white people up here. 644 00:29:35,655 --> 00:29:38,620 [ Laughter ] 645 00:29:38,620 --> 00:29:41,034 Along with the cast of "Young and the Restless." 646 00:29:41,034 --> 00:29:43,068 [ Laughter ] 647 00:29:43,068 --> 00:29:46,000 [ Laughs ] 648 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,793 Bruce, you've done movies with other black comedians. 649 00:29:48,793 --> 00:29:50,965 Why did you ask somebody who ain't never did shit with you? 650 00:29:50,965 --> 00:29:53,827 I don't get that. 651 00:29:53,827 --> 00:29:56,000 You with Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan. 652 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,068 God damn, this is sad. 653 00:29:58,068 --> 00:29:59,827 [ Laughter ] 654 00:29:59,827 --> 00:30:02,965 I mean, you had a limo driver in "Die Hard," Argyle, 655 00:30:02,965 --> 00:30:05,310 and he's not even here and he -- 656 00:30:05,310 --> 00:30:06,448 I don't know what the fuck he doin'. 657 00:30:06,448 --> 00:30:07,862 He need this shit. 658 00:30:07,862 --> 00:30:11,758 [ Laughter ] 659 00:30:11,758 --> 00:30:14,827 You don't got Argyle here. What the fuck? 660 00:30:14,827 --> 00:30:17,137 Uh, it's funny to see, like, 661 00:30:17,137 --> 00:30:19,551 Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis up here. 662 00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:21,793 Y'all two bald white motherfuckers 663 00:30:21,793 --> 00:30:23,758 look crazy as fuck. 664 00:30:23,758 --> 00:30:25,034 Like, both of y'all look like 665 00:30:25,034 --> 00:30:27,379 you're on two different stages of cancer. 666 00:30:27,379 --> 00:30:30,620 [ Audience groans ] 667 00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:33,310 Y'all really do. 668 00:30:33,310 --> 00:30:35,931 I'm sorry. Look fucked up. 669 00:30:35,931 --> 00:30:37,793 We got Dennis Rodman here, which I don't wanna talk about, 670 00:30:37,793 --> 00:30:39,482 'cause there's only two brothers here. 671 00:30:39,482 --> 00:30:40,689 But I respect Dennis Rodman. 672 00:30:40,689 --> 00:30:41,931 I'm from Chicago. You know what I mean? 673 00:30:41,931 --> 00:30:43,793 He won three championship with the Bulls. 674 00:30:43,793 --> 00:30:46,000 [ Crowd cheering ] 675 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,586 I mean, he did a lot of dope shit. 676 00:30:47,586 --> 00:30:49,206 Man, he rebounded. 677 00:30:49,206 --> 00:30:51,517 He -- He would take a three every once in a while. 678 00:30:51,517 --> 00:30:53,448 He'd kick the fuckin' referee. 679 00:30:55,482 --> 00:30:56,965 He, like, jag off other players. 680 00:30:56,965 --> 00:30:59,344 A lot of weird shit. 681 00:30:59,344 --> 00:31:01,724 This motherfucker wore a wedding dress 682 00:31:01,724 --> 00:31:04,275 and was on the cover of a magazine. 683 00:31:04,275 --> 00:31:06,586 That shit is fuckin' off the chain. 684 00:31:09,103 --> 00:31:10,241 That's it. I ain't got no jokes. 685 00:31:10,241 --> 00:31:11,965 I just mentioned his fuckin'... 686 00:31:11,965 --> 00:31:13,965 [ Laughs ] 687 00:31:16,551 --> 00:31:18,793 Look, Bruce Willis is a fuckin' legend, man. 688 00:31:18,793 --> 00:31:21,172 You know, you had a famous line, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker," 689 00:31:21,172 --> 00:31:23,586 which I think is one of the greatest tag lines 690 00:31:23,586 --> 00:31:24,689 in movie fuckin' history. 691 00:31:24,689 --> 00:31:27,586 It really is. 692 00:31:27,586 --> 00:31:30,137 Which is why, like, I was happy when he gave me 693 00:31:30,137 --> 00:31:32,586 "T-S-motherfuckin'-A." 694 00:31:32,586 --> 00:31:34,793 That shit was motivated from you for saying, 695 00:31:34,793 --> 00:31:36,758 "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker." 696 00:31:36,758 --> 00:31:38,724 Yeah, and it was. 697 00:31:38,724 --> 00:31:41,448 I want to just say this, man -- I'm a big fan of you. 698 00:31:41,448 --> 00:31:44,000 I hope we do a movie someday. 699 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,172 I mean, I know you lookin' for -- I mean, let's see. 700 00:31:46,172 --> 00:31:48,586 1, 2, 3. You got to do one more with another black dude. 701 00:31:48,586 --> 00:31:50,620 Let it be me. 702 00:31:50,620 --> 00:31:51,965 You already had Chris Tucker. 703 00:31:51,965 --> 00:31:54,413 You did Tracy Morgan, Argyle, Carl Winslow. 704 00:31:54,413 --> 00:31:55,655 I don't know nobody real names, 705 00:31:55,655 --> 00:31:58,034 only know their character names and shit. 706 00:31:58,034 --> 00:32:00,344 [ Laughs ] 707 00:32:00,344 --> 00:32:02,310 Hey, look, we got to stop with these "Die Hards," bro. 708 00:32:02,310 --> 00:32:05,551 Like, this shit is getting fuckin' weird. 709 00:32:05,551 --> 00:32:07,896 It is. I'm confused about which kid you got. 710 00:32:07,896 --> 00:32:09,241 Like, the daughter be missing in one, 711 00:32:09,241 --> 00:32:10,896 and then the son be missing in one. 712 00:32:10,896 --> 00:32:12,896 We never see your kids to-fuckin'-gether. 713 00:32:12,896 --> 00:32:15,206 Honestly, you should change your name to John McClane. 714 00:32:15,206 --> 00:32:17,206 You know what I mean? Like, I'm fuckin' confused. 715 00:32:17,206 --> 00:32:18,275 How many fuckin' kids you got? 716 00:32:18,275 --> 00:32:20,413 So look, this is what I suggest. 717 00:32:20,413 --> 00:32:23,482 Next "Die Hard," you put me in it. 718 00:32:23,482 --> 00:32:25,344 I'll play your son, all right? 719 00:32:25,344 --> 00:32:27,758 [ Laughter ] 720 00:32:27,758 --> 00:32:29,965 You adopted me from Africa. 721 00:32:32,586 --> 00:32:34,000 I'm really pitching this shit. I hope y'all listenin'. 722 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,448 There's agents in here. 723 00:32:36,448 --> 00:32:38,896 You adopt me from Africa, 724 00:32:38,896 --> 00:32:41,241 and we go to the West Side of Chicago, right, 725 00:32:41,241 --> 00:32:43,344 and we fight crime together. 726 00:32:43,344 --> 00:32:46,206 And you shoot me by mistake, 727 00:32:46,206 --> 00:32:48,000 and that starts the whole "Die Hard" franchise. 728 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:49,241 We'll never have to see that shit again, 729 00:32:49,241 --> 00:32:51,310 'cause John McClane is in jail 730 00:32:51,310 --> 00:32:55,068 for shooting an innocent black man that he adopted. 731 00:32:55,068 --> 00:32:56,793 [ Laughs ] 732 00:32:56,793 --> 00:32:58,758 But seriously, Bruce Willis, thank you for having me, man. 733 00:32:58,758 --> 00:33:00,758 You are so -- I don't know. 734 00:33:00,758 --> 00:33:02,413 You like -- I don't want to call you, like -- 735 00:33:02,413 --> 00:33:03,793 like, my idol, but you kind of are, brother. 736 00:33:03,793 --> 00:33:05,620 Like, you made some movies that -- 737 00:33:05,620 --> 00:33:07,413 that made all of us want to be in movies and shit. 738 00:33:07,413 --> 00:33:09,275 So thank you so much for having me, man. 739 00:33:09,275 --> 00:33:10,344 I'm proud of you, man. 740 00:33:10,344 --> 00:33:12,827 [ Cheers and applause ] 741 00:33:14,827 --> 00:33:16,724 Coming up, Martha Stewart... 742 00:33:16,724 --> 00:33:17,655 Hurray. 743 00:33:17,655 --> 00:33:19,034 ...Edward Norton. 744 00:33:19,034 --> 00:33:20,965 Bruce, you know that I know a lot of things 745 00:33:20,965 --> 00:33:22,655 that you don't want me to know. 746 00:33:22,655 --> 00:33:25,448 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 747 00:33:28,206 --> 00:33:30,413 [ Cheers and applause ] 748 00:33:30,413 --> 00:33:32,551 ♪♪ 749 00:33:32,551 --> 00:33:34,310 All right! 750 00:33:34,310 --> 00:33:37,034 I am a huge fan of our next roaster. 751 00:33:37,034 --> 00:33:39,137 Edward Norton, ladies and gentlemen. 752 00:33:39,137 --> 00:33:41,620 [ Cheers and applause ]Yes. 753 00:33:41,620 --> 00:33:44,620 He's fantastic in movies like "Primal Fear," 754 00:33:44,620 --> 00:33:47,068 "Fight Club," "Birdman," 755 00:33:47,068 --> 00:33:49,310 and who could forget Edward Norton 756 00:33:49,310 --> 00:33:51,896 as the Incredible Hulk? 757 00:33:51,896 --> 00:33:54,206 "The Avengers" franchise, that's who. 758 00:33:54,206 --> 00:33:56,758 [ Laughter ] 759 00:33:56,758 --> 00:33:58,413 Well, let's give Edward Norton a round of applause. 760 00:33:58,413 --> 00:34:00,655 I know Mark Ruffalo does every night. 761 00:34:00,655 --> 00:34:03,310 Please welcome Edward Norton. 762 00:34:03,310 --> 00:34:05,413 [ Cheers and applause ] 763 00:34:05,413 --> 00:34:11,413 ♪♪ 764 00:34:11,413 --> 00:34:12,965 Thank you. 765 00:34:12,965 --> 00:34:17,689 Bruce, uh, slumming it here on your behalf at Comedy Central 766 00:34:17,689 --> 00:34:20,689 is, um, not something I would do for many people. 767 00:34:20,689 --> 00:34:23,310 But, um, I owe you big, 768 00:34:23,310 --> 00:34:25,034 and you know what I'm talking about, 769 00:34:25,034 --> 00:34:27,034 but I would say this puts us totally square. 770 00:34:27,034 --> 00:34:30,758 In fact, I think probably it's back on you after tonight, yeah? 771 00:34:30,758 --> 00:34:32,137 Okay. 772 00:34:32,137 --> 00:34:34,034 It is, uh, a pleasure to be here 773 00:34:34,034 --> 00:34:37,344 to stick a fork in my pal Bruce Willis. 774 00:34:37,344 --> 00:34:39,724 Um, I'm not really a -- 775 00:34:39,724 --> 00:34:43,137 like, a niche takedown comic like Jeff Ross or -- 776 00:34:43,137 --> 00:34:47,379 or a three-name suck-up like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but... 777 00:34:49,620 --> 00:34:51,793 I'm here to do something I think maybe only I can do 778 00:34:51,793 --> 00:34:55,517 as someone who has made a career out of character analysis. 779 00:34:55,517 --> 00:34:59,172 I am here to do a deep dissection 780 00:34:59,172 --> 00:35:01,758 of how the fucking bartender from New Jersey 781 00:35:01,758 --> 00:35:04,758 became such a big titty of a global movie star. 782 00:35:04,758 --> 00:35:06,965 [ Cheers and applause ] 783 00:35:09,689 --> 00:35:14,482 Because I feel -- I feel if I had not distracted myself 784 00:35:14,482 --> 00:35:17,241 with obsession on the likes of De Niro and Hoffman 785 00:35:17,241 --> 00:35:19,448 and Daniel Day-Lewis... 786 00:35:22,172 --> 00:35:23,793 ...things might have been very different. 787 00:35:23,793 --> 00:35:27,275 I'm now coming to realize in middle age, um, 788 00:35:27,275 --> 00:35:31,931 if I had cracked the mystery of how you became a movie star, 789 00:35:31,931 --> 00:35:37,551 then maybe there still might be time for me to be more like you. 790 00:35:37,551 --> 00:35:40,655 I mean, if I -- if I end up settling 791 00:35:40,655 --> 00:35:42,931 for three Academy Award nods and the -- 792 00:35:42,931 --> 00:35:44,413 the respect of audiences and critics 793 00:35:44,413 --> 00:35:47,551 and my peers globally, I'll -- I'll -- 794 00:35:47,551 --> 00:35:48,896 I'll find a way to be happy about it. 795 00:35:48,896 --> 00:35:50,551 But the cold truth of it -- 796 00:35:50,551 --> 00:35:52,965 the cold truth of it is that good reviews 797 00:35:52,965 --> 00:35:55,586 in The New Yorker and Oscar nominations that -- 798 00:35:55,586 --> 00:35:56,931 that you lose to the fucking 799 00:35:56,931 --> 00:35:59,482 Farmer's Insurance pitchman J.K. Simmons... 800 00:35:59,482 --> 00:36:01,448 [ Laughter ] 801 00:36:04,137 --> 00:36:07,068 They don't -- Those things are great, 802 00:36:07,068 --> 00:36:11,172 but they don't buy you half of fucking Idaho, do they? 803 00:36:11,172 --> 00:36:12,689 No, they do not. 804 00:36:12,689 --> 00:36:13,965 They do not. 805 00:36:13,965 --> 00:36:17,000 It's not that I'm jealous, but, Jesus, 806 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:18,344 you get away with everything. 807 00:36:18,344 --> 00:36:22,551 I mean, can I cock my eye and say some cryptic shit 808 00:36:22,551 --> 00:36:24,758 that literally not one person in the room understands 809 00:36:24,758 --> 00:36:27,551 and have everyone laugh their asses off? 810 00:36:27,551 --> 00:36:28,827 I cannot. 811 00:36:28,827 --> 00:36:30,379 You think I'm -- You think I'm -- 812 00:36:30,379 --> 00:36:31,793 You're laughing 'cause you think I'm making a joke. 813 00:36:31,793 --> 00:36:33,931 I was sitting in a bar with Bruce 814 00:36:33,931 --> 00:36:35,758 and I asked him if he liked the script I'd sent him, 815 00:36:35,758 --> 00:36:38,206 and he says, "Try keeping a marriage together 816 00:36:38,206 --> 00:36:40,482 when 22 is still on the menu." 817 00:36:40,482 --> 00:36:42,862 [ Laughter ] 818 00:36:44,689 --> 00:36:48,103 What the fuck does that mean? 819 00:36:48,103 --> 00:36:50,206 I mean, I know what it means, but why say it to that? 820 00:36:50,206 --> 00:36:51,482 I... 821 00:36:51,482 --> 00:36:53,103 But I fell off my barstool laughing. 822 00:36:53,103 --> 00:36:56,413 I had no idea why. 823 00:36:56,413 --> 00:36:58,000 I still don't know what he thought of the script, 824 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,517 and we're done making the movie. 825 00:37:01,517 --> 00:37:03,241 I don't think he's read it. 826 00:37:05,482 --> 00:37:07,482 Can I act that weird and have people love me? 827 00:37:07,482 --> 00:37:08,793 I cannot. 828 00:37:11,275 --> 00:37:13,689 Can I -- Can I say things like, 829 00:37:13,689 --> 00:37:18,241 "The #MeToo movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics," 830 00:37:18,241 --> 00:37:21,379 while I'm wearing a "Make American Great Again" hat 831 00:37:21,379 --> 00:37:24,103 and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras 832 00:37:24,103 --> 00:37:25,793 dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists, 833 00:37:25,793 --> 00:37:27,344 call that a twofer, 834 00:37:27,344 --> 00:37:29,482 and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood executives 835 00:37:29,482 --> 00:37:31,034 call my agent the next morning 836 00:37:31,034 --> 00:37:35,931 and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business? 837 00:37:35,931 --> 00:37:39,034 I most definitely cannot. 838 00:37:39,034 --> 00:37:42,586 I wish I was Teflon like you, but, then again, 839 00:37:42,586 --> 00:37:44,965 I do like my kids not being embarrassed by me. 840 00:37:44,965 --> 00:37:47,137 [ Laughter ] 841 00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:52,206 But seriously, could I ever leave a movie set 842 00:37:52,206 --> 00:37:53,931 after my close-ups are done 843 00:37:53,931 --> 00:37:55,551 and leave every one of my co-stars 844 00:37:55,551 --> 00:37:57,655 for the last 30 years to act their scenes 845 00:37:57,655 --> 00:38:01,379 looking at a C-stand with a red "X" taped to it, 846 00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:03,448 listening to the 60-year-old script girl 847 00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:06,448 reading the John McClane lines to them 848 00:38:06,448 --> 00:38:10,586 and still have directors like Quentin Tarantino call me? 849 00:38:10,586 --> 00:38:14,793 No, I act my fucking ass off. Quentin never calls me. 850 00:38:16,310 --> 00:38:18,620 You know what I wouldn't give for the opportunity 851 00:38:18,620 --> 00:38:20,000 to tell that prick, 852 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:22,827 "I'm gonna rewrite this piece of shit tonight." 853 00:38:28,758 --> 00:38:32,482 By the way -- By the way, when Wes Anderson calls him -- 854 00:38:32,482 --> 00:38:35,137 He and I do "Moonrise Kingdom" together, and this is true. 855 00:38:35,137 --> 00:38:38,862 Everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together. 856 00:38:38,862 --> 00:38:40,310 We did our own costumes and makeup. 857 00:38:40,310 --> 00:38:41,689 We did our own hair, 858 00:38:41,689 --> 00:38:43,965 and we went to set in a van together to save money, 859 00:38:43,965 --> 00:38:46,931 even Bill Murray, but not Bruce fuckin' Willis. 860 00:38:46,931 --> 00:38:48,862 [ Laughter ] 861 00:38:48,862 --> 00:38:52,413 He rented the Carnegie Mansion next door like a boss. 862 00:38:54,172 --> 00:38:56,275 When Wes said, "Do you think Bruce understands 863 00:38:56,275 --> 00:38:57,620 that I really want this to be like 864 00:38:57,620 --> 00:38:59,137 a-a repertory theater troupe?" 865 00:38:59,137 --> 00:39:01,517 I said, "Shut the fuck up, you long-haired pussy. 866 00:39:01,517 --> 00:39:03,551 That's a fuckin' movie star." 867 00:39:03,551 --> 00:39:05,620 [ Cheers and applause ] 868 00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:12,586 It's not fair. It's not fair. 869 00:39:12,586 --> 00:39:14,655 I got acclaim, but I -- 870 00:39:14,655 --> 00:39:18,241 I can't pull big-cock movie-star power moves like him and say, 871 00:39:18,241 --> 00:39:21,103 "Fuck the box office and fuck streaming services. 872 00:39:21,103 --> 00:39:23,965 I'm not making any more movies unless they go straight to DVD." 873 00:39:23,965 --> 00:39:26,379 [ Laughter ] 874 00:39:26,379 --> 00:39:30,000 And keep that up for, like, what, five years now? 875 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,103 No way. If I pulled that, my ass would be out in the cold, 876 00:39:33,103 --> 00:39:35,034 and they'd be calling Joseph "Three Name" Levitt 877 00:39:35,034 --> 00:39:36,793 for "Fight Club 2." 878 00:39:36,793 --> 00:39:39,931 [ Laughter ] 879 00:39:39,931 --> 00:39:42,758 I couldn't make "Hudson Hawk" and literally work ever again 880 00:39:42,758 --> 00:39:45,827 for a single day. 881 00:39:45,827 --> 00:39:48,482 Never. No one else would've survived that. 882 00:39:48,482 --> 00:39:50,034 You thrived. 883 00:39:50,034 --> 00:39:52,379 Why is this? Why? Why? 884 00:39:52,379 --> 00:39:55,344 We have to figure it out. 885 00:39:55,344 --> 00:39:58,379 Was it your training? No. 886 00:39:58,379 --> 00:40:01,448 You didn't go to candy-ass acting class for training. 887 00:40:01,448 --> 00:40:03,689 You did mounds of cocaine and tended bar 888 00:40:03,689 --> 00:40:06,586 with your male ballerina pal Steve Eads and... 889 00:40:06,586 --> 00:40:09,137 [ Audience cheers ] 890 00:40:09,137 --> 00:40:12,241 I mean, what -- what good is acting school, anyway, you know? 891 00:40:12,241 --> 00:40:13,413 I mean... 892 00:40:13,413 --> 00:40:14,965 I think maybe -- maybe it's your name. 893 00:40:14,965 --> 00:40:16,793 Bruce Willis. It pops. 894 00:40:16,793 --> 00:40:18,724 It's just an action hero. 895 00:40:18,724 --> 00:40:20,827 Mine still makes people think of Eddie Murphy 896 00:40:20,827 --> 00:40:22,344 sodomizing Art Carney. 897 00:40:22,344 --> 00:40:25,551 [ Laughter ] 898 00:40:25,551 --> 00:40:27,620 I don't know. Maybe it's -- I try to challenge myself. 899 00:40:27,620 --> 00:40:31,000 I look for roles that stretch me and are different, 900 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:34,172 whereas you deliver consistently the same performance. 901 00:40:34,172 --> 00:40:38,241 And I mean, like, the same one every fucking time. 902 00:40:41,620 --> 00:40:42,965 Maybe it's the script. 903 00:40:42,965 --> 00:40:45,827 I have to adopt your relationship to the script. 904 00:40:45,827 --> 00:40:47,344 I tried to be like you. 905 00:40:47,344 --> 00:40:48,827 I did a big action movie called "The Incredible Hulk." 906 00:40:48,827 --> 00:40:52,862 You know what went wrong? I wanted a better script. 907 00:40:52,862 --> 00:40:55,448 I thought maybe we should try to make one Marvel movie 908 00:40:55,448 --> 00:40:57,896 that was at least as good as the worst Chris Nolan movie, 909 00:40:57,896 --> 00:41:00,068 but what the hell was I thinking? 910 00:41:01,896 --> 00:41:06,620 The last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script. 911 00:41:06,620 --> 00:41:08,275 I'm such an idiot. 912 00:41:08,275 --> 00:41:10,103 [ Laughter ] 913 00:41:10,103 --> 00:41:13,482 The script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead, 914 00:41:13,482 --> 00:41:15,896 say short, memorable quip, no more than four words, 915 00:41:15,896 --> 00:41:17,655 shoot the gun, duck, repeat, the end. 916 00:41:17,655 --> 00:41:21,413 It's a half a page long. 917 00:41:21,413 --> 00:41:24,793 You could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set. 918 00:41:24,793 --> 00:41:27,000 You don't, but you could. 919 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,206 [ Laughter ] 920 00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:31,896 He doesn't have time for lines. 921 00:41:31,896 --> 00:41:33,103 He has to blow shit up. 922 00:41:33,103 --> 00:41:35,275 I'm so stupid. 923 00:41:35,275 --> 00:41:36,620 All my decisions have been wrong. 924 00:41:36,620 --> 00:41:38,068 I have to start going for scripts 925 00:41:38,068 --> 00:41:39,724 that are short and dumb, 926 00:41:39,724 --> 00:41:43,482 full of grunts, easily dubbed for the Bosnian market. 927 00:41:46,344 --> 00:41:48,689 And then I could get a G-5, a Caribbean island, 928 00:41:48,689 --> 00:41:50,310 seven daughters by three different women -- 929 00:41:50,310 --> 00:41:51,965 that I know of. 930 00:41:55,758 --> 00:42:00,551 At the end of the day, though, I've come to think, actually, 931 00:42:00,551 --> 00:42:03,275 it might just be all about your head -- 932 00:42:03,275 --> 00:42:06,586 your incredible bald head. 933 00:42:06,586 --> 00:42:08,275 And, frankly, I -- 934 00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:10,413 I think it's 'cause it closely resembles 935 00:42:10,413 --> 00:42:12,103 a nicely shaped cock. 936 00:42:12,103 --> 00:42:13,862 It's -- Look at it. Look at it. 937 00:42:13,862 --> 00:42:15,206 Turn sideways. 938 00:42:15,206 --> 00:42:17,103 Look at it. 939 00:42:17,103 --> 00:42:20,034 And like a nicely shaped penis, nobody can stop looking at it. 940 00:42:20,034 --> 00:42:23,689 It's totally hypnotic to men and women alike. 941 00:42:23,689 --> 00:42:26,379 You -- You have a perfect dick-head. 942 00:42:26,379 --> 00:42:30,758 And, uh, men and women are both comfortable with it. 943 00:42:30,758 --> 00:42:34,586 They think it's funny, a little scary, a little sexy. 944 00:42:34,586 --> 00:42:36,206 Just that is a rare thing. 945 00:42:36,206 --> 00:42:39,103 It's a rare thing, and I know, because I tried to emulate you 946 00:42:39,103 --> 00:42:40,448 in "American History X." 947 00:42:40,448 --> 00:42:43,551 I shaved my head. I acted like a racist asshole. 948 00:42:43,551 --> 00:42:46,068 And, um, it's probably the closest any actor 949 00:42:46,068 --> 00:42:47,793 has actually come to being you in a film, 950 00:42:47,793 --> 00:42:49,344 and I got nominated for Best Actor. 951 00:42:49,344 --> 00:42:51,758 But -- But the movie made less money than you made 952 00:42:51,758 --> 00:42:54,310 on the opening weekend of "Nobody's Fool." 953 00:42:54,310 --> 00:42:57,620 It's like... 954 00:42:57,620 --> 00:42:59,344 You got to work with Paul Newman, 955 00:42:59,344 --> 00:43:01,896 and all I got was my skinhead poster 956 00:43:01,896 --> 00:43:05,103 in the bathrooms of the gay clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard. 957 00:43:05,103 --> 00:43:07,793 [ Laughter ] 958 00:43:07,793 --> 00:43:09,413 I don't know. I think I have to accept it. 959 00:43:09,413 --> 00:43:12,413 I think I have to accept I will never be 960 00:43:12,413 --> 00:43:15,965 the global dickhead powerhouse that you are. 961 00:43:15,965 --> 00:43:17,896 No matter how good I am, no matter how committed, 962 00:43:17,896 --> 00:43:19,482 no matter how professional, 963 00:43:19,482 --> 00:43:23,275 all those things take me further from your standard of stardom. 964 00:43:23,275 --> 00:43:26,862 There is nobody else like you, damn it. 965 00:43:26,862 --> 00:43:30,172 Nobody. Um, joking aside... 966 00:43:31,379 --> 00:43:34,172 I was doing a play many years ago in New York, 967 00:43:34,172 --> 00:43:36,206 and, um, I came home one night after the show. 968 00:43:36,206 --> 00:43:39,103 And there was a letter in my apartment building 969 00:43:39,103 --> 00:43:41,344 from the Four Seasons Hotel. 970 00:43:41,344 --> 00:43:44,206 And I read it, and it was one of the most thoughtful, 971 00:43:44,206 --> 00:43:47,724 articulate letters I got about this whole play. 972 00:43:47,724 --> 00:43:49,931 And it was signed "Bruce Willis." 973 00:43:49,931 --> 00:43:52,000 And I immediately called my friend Stewart and said, 974 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,448 "Fuck you. It's a wind-up." 975 00:43:54,448 --> 00:43:56,103 And, uh, he said, "I don't know what you're talking about. 976 00:43:56,103 --> 00:43:57,655 So, I called Bruce. 977 00:43:57,655 --> 00:43:58,965 I said, "Did you really write me this letter?" 978 00:43:58,965 --> 00:44:01,000 He said, "Yeah." 979 00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:07,206 So we had a beer, and, um, he says, essentially, 980 00:44:07,206 --> 00:44:09,137 "You're doing the kind of work I want to be a part of, 981 00:44:09,137 --> 00:44:12,551 and whatever you're doing, if you can put me in the mix, 982 00:44:12,551 --> 00:44:14,862 I'm in, sight unseen." 983 00:44:14,862 --> 00:44:19,482 And, um, I didn't think that would really stick. 984 00:44:19,482 --> 00:44:21,551 And many years later, 985 00:44:21,551 --> 00:44:25,310 when I wanted to make my own film, real passion project -- 986 00:44:25,310 --> 00:44:27,310 it's hard to get those things done -- 987 00:44:27,310 --> 00:44:28,931 he was the first person I called. 988 00:44:28,931 --> 00:44:32,931 And he said, "I told ya, if you ever need me, I'm in." 989 00:44:32,931 --> 00:44:35,310 And, uh, we just made this movie together 990 00:44:35,310 --> 00:44:36,827 and had a beautiful time. 991 00:44:36,827 --> 00:44:39,724 And I wouldn't have gotten it made with you. 992 00:44:39,724 --> 00:44:43,000 Uh, and I'm really deeply grateful for that. 993 00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:44,827 Um, I love you. 994 00:44:44,827 --> 00:44:46,517 Or maybe I'm very a good actor 995 00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:47,793 and I'm just acting when I say that. 996 00:44:47,793 --> 00:44:49,000 You would... 997 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:51,206 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 998 00:44:51,206 --> 00:44:52,241 Yeah! 999 00:44:53,862 --> 00:44:55,068 Um... 1000 00:44:58,206 --> 00:44:59,482 You wouldn't know the difference, 1001 00:44:59,482 --> 00:45:01,448 and that's the reason I love you. 1002 00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,724 [ Cheers and applause ] 1003 00:45:03,724 --> 00:45:06,137 Oh, buddy. 1004 00:45:06,137 --> 00:45:07,689 -Thank you. -Thank you. 1005 00:45:07,689 --> 00:45:08,793 Thank you. 1006 00:45:08,793 --> 00:45:10,724 Fantastic. 1007 00:45:10,724 --> 00:45:12,620 Coming up, Martha Stewart... 1008 00:45:12,620 --> 00:45:14,965 I decided to come out here and rekindle our friendship. 1009 00:45:14,965 --> 00:45:16,655 ...and Dom Irrera, 1010 00:45:16,655 --> 00:45:19,586 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 1011 00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:24,275 [ Cheers and applause ] 1012 00:45:24,275 --> 00:45:26,793 ♪♪ 1013 00:45:26,793 --> 00:45:28,517 All right! 1014 00:45:28,517 --> 00:45:31,000 Sorry, I just have to say, 1015 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:32,620 that was one of the coolest things 1016 00:45:32,620 --> 00:45:34,344 that has to have happened on TV recently. 1017 00:45:34,344 --> 00:45:36,137 That was -- That was amazing. 1018 00:45:36,137 --> 00:45:37,482 [ Cheers and applause ] 1019 00:45:37,482 --> 00:45:38,689 Okay. 1020 00:45:38,689 --> 00:45:41,482 Our next roaster is Martha Stewart. 1021 00:45:41,482 --> 00:45:43,689 [ Cheers and applause ] 1022 00:45:45,448 --> 00:45:48,689 Martha worked her way through college as a model, 1023 00:45:48,689 --> 00:45:51,620 posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo. 1024 00:45:51,620 --> 00:45:53,724 [ Laughter ] 1025 00:45:53,724 --> 00:45:57,862 She's the hostess with the most-est indictments. 1026 00:45:57,862 --> 00:46:01,137 But her rap sheet has an 800-thread count. 1027 00:46:01,137 --> 00:46:03,000 It's Martha Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. 1028 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:04,896 [ Cheers and applause ] 1029 00:46:04,896 --> 00:46:07,103 [ Indistinct rapping ] 1030 00:46:07,103 --> 00:46:13,379 ♪♪ 1031 00:46:13,379 --> 00:46:16,827 Wow. What a night. Ha. 1032 00:46:16,827 --> 00:46:19,000 Thank you, Joseph. 1033 00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:20,965 I know something about hosting parties, 1034 00:46:20,965 --> 00:46:25,758 so I want to congratulate you on being the perfect host tonight. 1035 00:46:25,758 --> 00:46:29,517 You set the table, faded into the background, 1036 00:46:29,517 --> 00:46:32,517 and let the interesting people shine. 1037 00:46:32,517 --> 00:46:34,517 -Bravo. -Thank you. 1038 00:46:34,517 --> 00:46:35,827 Thank you. 1039 00:46:35,827 --> 00:46:37,896 What a dais. 1040 00:46:37,896 --> 00:46:42,103 Dennis Rodman, where do I begin? 1041 00:46:42,103 --> 00:46:44,931 If you had told me back in the '90s that Dennis Rodman 1042 00:46:44,931 --> 00:46:50,172 would be negotiating a nuclear-arms agreement in 2018, 1043 00:46:50,172 --> 00:46:55,137 I would've said, "Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?" 1044 00:46:55,137 --> 00:46:57,241 [ Laughter ] 1045 00:46:59,689 --> 00:47:02,137 Local comedian Dom Irrera is here. 1046 00:47:02,137 --> 00:47:08,379 Dom, I know your career never really took off, 1047 00:47:08,379 --> 00:47:12,241 but if you just keep doing what you've been doing, 1048 00:47:12,241 --> 00:47:14,655 I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered 1049 00:47:14,655 --> 00:47:18,482 by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack. 1050 00:47:18,482 --> 00:47:22,241 [ Laughter ] 1051 00:47:22,241 --> 00:47:25,482 And, Edward Norton, I am a huge fan. 1052 00:47:25,482 --> 00:47:28,620 You are amazing. 1053 00:47:28,620 --> 00:47:32,896 Edward takes the craft of acting very seriously. 1054 00:47:32,896 --> 00:47:35,724 He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk 1055 00:47:35,724 --> 00:47:38,827 by spending 30 years losing his temper 1056 00:47:38,827 --> 00:47:41,724 and turning into a giant asshole. 1057 00:47:41,724 --> 00:47:44,586 [ Laughter ] 1058 00:47:44,586 --> 00:47:48,137 Nikki Glaser, you have it all -- 1059 00:47:48,137 --> 00:47:52,448 the name of a professional porn star 1060 00:47:52,448 --> 00:47:55,482 and the body of an amateur porn star. 1061 00:47:55,482 --> 00:47:58,000 [ Laughter ] 1062 00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:01,793 You know, I'm a big supporter of the #MeToo movement, 1063 00:48:01,793 --> 00:48:03,379 but remember, Nikki, 1064 00:48:03,379 --> 00:48:06,931 "me too" shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend 1065 00:48:06,931 --> 00:48:11,551 when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser. 1066 00:48:11,551 --> 00:48:12,965 Noted. 1067 00:48:12,965 --> 00:48:15,413 Well, there are so many celebrities here tonight. 1068 00:48:15,413 --> 00:48:20,344 We have men from movies, women from TV, and Lil Rel from, 1069 00:48:20,344 --> 00:48:22,862 I'm guessing, the California Raisins? 1070 00:48:22,862 --> 00:48:25,310 [ Laughter ] 1071 00:48:29,965 --> 00:48:33,896 Oh, and, now, the lovely Cybill Shepherd is here. 1072 00:48:33,896 --> 00:48:36,000 I remember years ago, 1073 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:38,793 when I heard there was going to be a movie -- a TV movie -- 1074 00:48:38,793 --> 00:48:41,793 about me, I thought, "Oh, God, no," 1075 00:48:41,793 --> 00:48:43,896 because they're always so dreadful. 1076 00:48:43,896 --> 00:48:45,413 I was really nervous. 1077 00:48:45,413 --> 00:48:46,931 Well, you can imagine my relief 1078 00:48:46,931 --> 00:48:50,758 when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me. 1079 00:48:50,758 --> 00:48:53,241 I thought, "Cybill Shepherd? Great. 1080 00:48:53,241 --> 00:48:55,103 No one will see it." 1081 00:48:55,103 --> 00:48:57,137 [ Laughter ] 1082 00:48:59,275 --> 00:49:02,620 Now, Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career 1083 00:49:02,620 --> 00:49:06,103 basically ended after that role, 1084 00:49:06,103 --> 00:49:09,931 as if you'd offended someone, someone with power, 1085 00:49:09,931 --> 00:49:13,689 someone with vast resources and money. 1086 00:49:13,689 --> 00:49:17,000 Who could cook up such a plan? 1087 00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:21,344 Who could craft such a scheme? 1088 00:49:21,344 --> 00:49:23,034 It was me, bitch. 1089 00:49:23,034 --> 00:49:24,724 [ Laughter ] 1090 00:49:24,724 --> 00:49:27,000 [ Cheers and applause ] 1091 00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,551 Oh, hi, Bruce. 1092 00:49:33,551 --> 00:49:36,413 I have great respect for our honoree, 1093 00:49:36,413 --> 00:49:39,137 Bruce Willis, our roastee, 1094 00:49:39,137 --> 00:49:42,137 probably because I've never seen 1095 00:49:42,137 --> 00:49:44,620 any of the movies everybody's talking about. 1096 00:49:44,620 --> 00:49:47,310 [ Laughter ] 1097 00:49:47,310 --> 00:49:48,862 Unlike everyone here tonight, 1098 00:49:48,862 --> 00:49:52,206 I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music. 1099 00:49:52,206 --> 00:49:54,551 I play it at all my parties when it's late 1100 00:49:54,551 --> 00:49:57,689 and I want everyone to leave immediately. 1101 00:49:57,689 --> 00:49:59,931 [ Laughter ] 1102 00:49:59,931 --> 00:50:01,793 Bruce and I are actually neighbors. 1103 00:50:01,793 --> 00:50:03,586 We're in the same town, Bedford. 1104 00:50:03,586 --> 00:50:05,551 He has a wonderful house. 1105 00:50:05,551 --> 00:50:07,965 The interior design is amazing. 1106 00:50:07,965 --> 00:50:11,758 He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, 1107 00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:15,689 except his new wife. 1108 00:50:15,689 --> 00:50:17,965 I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding. 1109 00:50:17,965 --> 00:50:19,758 He hand-delivered the invitation, 1110 00:50:19,758 --> 00:50:21,931 and I told him, "I'll catch the next one." 1111 00:50:21,931 --> 00:50:24,103 [ Laughter ] 1112 00:50:26,103 --> 00:50:29,172 But all jokes aside, Bruce, I have to say that, 1113 00:50:29,172 --> 00:50:32,655 despite what everyone else has said about you tonight, 1114 00:50:32,655 --> 00:50:36,517 I think you are a good neighbor, a great actor, 1115 00:50:36,517 --> 00:50:39,931 and a very, very solid fuck buddy. 1116 00:50:39,931 --> 00:50:41,241 [ Laughter ] 1117 00:50:41,241 --> 00:50:43,551 See you tomorrow. Good night. 1118 00:50:43,551 --> 00:50:45,344 [ Cheers and applause ] 1119 00:50:45,344 --> 00:50:47,137 ♪♪ 1120 00:50:47,137 --> 00:50:50,344 Oh, darling, thank you. Thanks for coming. 1121 00:50:51,758 --> 00:50:54,275 -Martha Stewart killed it. -Hi, guys. 1122 00:50:54,275 --> 00:50:58,034 Coming up, Dom Irrera and Dennis Rodman. 1123 00:50:58,034 --> 00:51:01,103 Bruce, I'm coming for ya, baby. I'm coming for ya. 1124 00:51:04,379 --> 00:51:06,241 [ Cheers and applause ] 1125 00:51:06,241 --> 00:51:08,758 ♪♪ 1126 00:51:08,758 --> 00:51:12,965 Our next presenter is truly perspiring, Dom Irrera. 1127 00:51:12,965 --> 00:51:16,379 [ Cheers and applause ] 1128 00:51:16,379 --> 00:51:19,931 Dom is so old, he's not gonna get #MeToo'ed. 1129 00:51:19,931 --> 00:51:22,000 He's gonna get #YeToo'ed. 1130 00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:24,034 [ Laughter ] 1131 00:51:24,034 --> 00:51:26,206 Please welcome Dom Irrera. 1132 00:51:26,206 --> 00:51:28,344 [ Cheers and applause ] 1133 00:51:28,344 --> 00:51:35,172 ♪♪ 1134 00:51:35,172 --> 00:51:36,827 Wow. 1135 00:51:36,827 --> 00:51:38,793 I never thought I'd be spending a Saturday night thinking, 1136 00:51:38,793 --> 00:51:41,206 "Fuck, I hope I can follow Martha Stewart." 1137 00:51:41,206 --> 00:51:43,000 [ Laughter ] 1138 00:51:46,655 --> 00:51:48,758 And it was really good hearing Ed Norton 1139 00:51:48,758 --> 00:51:51,310 talk about himself so much. 1140 00:51:51,310 --> 00:51:53,310 I've never seen anybody roast somebody else 1141 00:51:53,310 --> 00:51:57,724 and talk about themselves with that kind of sincerity. 1142 00:51:57,724 --> 00:52:00,137 What an arrogant motherfucker he is. 1143 00:52:00,137 --> 00:52:01,793 Jesus Christ. 1144 00:52:01,793 --> 00:52:04,482 [ Laughter ] 1145 00:52:04,482 --> 00:52:06,620 I'd like to beat the fuck out of him. 1146 00:52:06,620 --> 00:52:09,965 [ Laughter ] 1147 00:52:09,965 --> 00:52:12,000 This skinny little prick, I met him in the hall. 1148 00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,413 He fuckin' blew me off. 1149 00:52:14,413 --> 00:52:16,241 I never liked your work. I never liked you. 1150 00:52:16,241 --> 00:52:20,482 And I got to tell you, it's an honor to meet you. 1151 00:52:20,482 --> 00:52:22,551 [ Laughter ] 1152 00:52:25,793 --> 00:52:26,793 Man. 1153 00:52:26,793 --> 00:52:30,068 [ Cheers and applause ] 1154 00:52:30,068 --> 00:52:32,241 Kevin Pollak -- I love Kevin Pollak. 1155 00:52:32,241 --> 00:52:33,344 You are amazing. 1156 00:52:33,344 --> 00:52:35,000 Ladies, think about it. 1157 00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:36,931 If you were Kevin's wife, you could fuck 1158 00:52:36,931 --> 00:52:38,724 a different celebrity every night 1159 00:52:38,724 --> 00:52:42,379 while he watches and jerks off. 1160 00:52:42,379 --> 00:52:45,379 Just picture that little, pathetic, little pool of jizz 1161 00:52:45,379 --> 00:52:49,034 on his Jewish stomach. 1162 00:52:49,034 --> 00:52:50,965 I can't say "Jew" without "bastard" at the end. 1163 00:52:50,965 --> 00:52:53,586 It's killing me in this town. 1164 00:52:53,586 --> 00:52:57,931 It's fuckin' killing me over here. 1165 00:52:57,931 --> 00:53:00,965 Edward Norton, Ed, hey, you did a movie called "Primal Fear." 1166 00:53:00,965 --> 00:53:02,758 It was named after the feeling he got 1167 00:53:02,758 --> 00:53:06,689 every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom. 1168 00:53:06,689 --> 00:53:08,137 It's a true story, ladies and gentlemen. 1169 00:53:08,137 --> 00:53:11,655 It this thing on? Is this on? 1170 00:53:11,655 --> 00:53:13,517 Actually, he dated Courtney Love, 1171 00:53:13,517 --> 00:53:15,103 but he never became famous enough 1172 00:53:15,103 --> 00:53:17,034 for her to have him murdered. 1173 00:53:17,034 --> 00:53:19,000 [ Audience groans ] 1174 00:53:23,379 --> 00:53:25,448 Cybill Shepherd, first of all, Cybill, 1175 00:53:25,448 --> 00:53:26,551 you did great coming up here. 1176 00:53:26,551 --> 00:53:27,965 You fuckin' -- 1177 00:53:27,965 --> 00:53:31,206 Your acting abil-- I'm serious. 1178 00:53:31,206 --> 00:53:33,689 And it's an honor to meet you. 1179 00:53:33,689 --> 00:53:35,827 In her first film, "Last Picture Show," 1180 00:53:35,827 --> 00:53:37,448 Cybill had sex with the star, 1181 00:53:37,448 --> 00:53:39,482 the director, the producer, and the writer. 1182 00:53:39,482 --> 00:53:42,172 Today, we call that a "Me Four." 1183 00:53:42,172 --> 00:53:44,206 [ Laughter ] 1184 00:53:44,206 --> 00:53:46,965 Jeff Ross, good to see you. 1185 00:53:46,965 --> 00:53:48,172 I'm kidding. 1186 00:53:48,172 --> 00:53:49,793 [ Laughter ] 1187 00:53:49,793 --> 00:53:51,000 Look at your face. 1188 00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:54,965 What kind of God would let that happen? 1189 00:53:54,965 --> 00:53:56,379 Jeff just bought a new house 1190 00:53:56,379 --> 00:53:58,827 and staffed it with three personal chefs. 1191 00:53:58,827 --> 00:54:01,000 First two died of exhaustion. 1192 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:02,758 [ Laughter ] 1193 00:54:02,758 --> 00:54:04,793 Lil Rel -- I've been sitting next to Lil Rel all night. 1194 00:54:04,793 --> 00:54:06,482 I'm glad I met this guy. 1195 00:54:06,482 --> 00:54:09,448 This guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves. 1196 00:54:09,448 --> 00:54:11,000 Yesterday, he walked into a Starbucks, 1197 00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:13,241 and the manager yelled, "Get Out." 1198 00:54:13,241 --> 00:54:16,620 [ Laughter ] 1199 00:54:16,620 --> 00:54:19,965 I got a million of them! 1200 00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:21,586 All right, okay, okay. 1201 00:54:21,586 --> 00:54:24,103 That's it with me roasting the people I know and don't know. 1202 00:54:24,103 --> 00:54:26,482 Now I got to talk about you. 1203 00:54:26,482 --> 00:54:28,379 Congratulations on the roast, man, 1204 00:54:28,379 --> 00:54:32,103 and Comedy Central roasts only the best people, like you, 1205 00:54:32,103 --> 00:54:36,482 Donald Trump, that guy from "Baywatch." 1206 00:54:36,482 --> 00:54:39,448 Bruce, I see you now, and I see your beautiful daughters, 1207 00:54:39,448 --> 00:54:41,137 and I'm so proud of you. 1208 00:54:41,137 --> 00:54:42,965 I'm so proud of you. I remember when we had nothing. 1209 00:54:42,965 --> 00:54:46,931 And we would go to your house and take a bath together, 1210 00:54:46,931 --> 00:54:49,310 and we would -- we loved each other. 1211 00:54:49,310 --> 00:54:51,068 We would wash each other's taints, 1212 00:54:51,068 --> 00:54:55,275 and I always made sure that your taint was taut 1213 00:54:55,275 --> 00:54:58,724 before you went out. 1214 00:54:58,724 --> 00:55:00,827 Bruce wasn't even the best actor in his house. 1215 00:55:00,827 --> 00:55:02,275 Demi Moore was. 1216 00:55:02,275 --> 00:55:03,827 [ Cheers and applause ] 1217 00:55:03,827 --> 00:55:05,689 You know, and it's funny. 1218 00:55:05,689 --> 00:55:07,862 I see you, and I see you with your daughters, 1219 00:55:07,862 --> 00:55:09,965 and I see the love, and they're such beautiful girls, 1220 00:55:09,965 --> 00:55:12,620 and I think about how you never hear a father 1221 00:55:12,620 --> 00:55:15,275 brag about his daughter's sexual prowess. 1222 00:55:15,275 --> 00:55:16,896 You know, they always brag about, "My son's a buck. 1223 00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:18,206 He's a stud. 1224 00:55:18,206 --> 00:55:19,724 Freshman year of college, he nailed everybody. 1225 00:55:19,724 --> 00:55:22,896 Boys, girls, dogs, he didn't give a fuck." 1226 00:55:22,896 --> 00:55:24,448 You ever hear a father brag about his daughter? 1227 00:55:24,448 --> 00:55:25,689 "You hear that up there? Listen to that. 1228 00:55:25,689 --> 00:55:28,758 That's my daughter taking on 10 guys. 1229 00:55:28,758 --> 00:55:30,482 Yeah, that's my baby. That's our youngest. 1230 00:55:30,482 --> 00:55:33,862 She always loved cock. The bigger, the better. 1231 00:55:33,862 --> 00:55:36,000 She always had men lined up around the block. 1232 00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:37,965 Guys tag-teaming her from behind, 1233 00:55:37,965 --> 00:55:40,000 high-fiving over her jizz-filled back, 1234 00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:41,068 dropping loads in her ears. 1235 00:55:41,068 --> 00:55:42,793 She couldn't hear them. 1236 00:55:42,793 --> 00:55:44,137 What can I tell you, huh? 1237 00:55:44,137 --> 00:55:47,620 She's just like her mother, that kid." 1238 00:55:47,620 --> 00:55:50,344 Thank you. I love you. 1239 00:55:50,344 --> 00:55:52,206 -Should I do more? -Oh, my God. 1240 00:55:52,206 --> 00:55:53,862 No, you're killing me. 1241 00:55:53,862 --> 00:55:55,586 -Thank you. I love you. -I love you, too. 1242 00:55:55,586 --> 00:55:57,724 Oh, my God. 1243 00:55:57,724 --> 00:56:01,310 Coming up, Jeff Ross, Dennis Rodman... 1244 00:56:01,310 --> 00:56:03,000 Little Kim wants you to sign something. 1245 00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:06,068 I thought Lil' Kim had big tits and black. 1246 00:56:06,068 --> 00:56:09,068 ...and a special appearance by Demi Moore. 1247 00:56:09,068 --> 00:56:11,379 Surprise! 1248 00:56:11,379 --> 00:56:14,689 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 1249 00:56:17,241 --> 00:56:19,413 [ Cheers and applause ] 1250 00:56:19,413 --> 00:56:21,655 ♪♪ 1251 00:56:21,655 --> 00:56:24,655 All right, our next roaster is Dennis Rodman. 1252 00:56:24,655 --> 00:56:27,793 [ Cheers and applause ] 1253 00:56:27,793 --> 00:56:29,310 They call him "The Worm" 1254 00:56:29,310 --> 00:56:32,103 because he's always on the sidewalk after it rains. 1255 00:56:32,103 --> 00:56:34,379 [ Laughter ] 1256 00:56:34,379 --> 00:56:36,482 You can see him on "Celebrity Rehab" 1257 00:56:36,482 --> 00:56:38,344 or flying coach to North Korea. 1258 00:56:38,344 --> 00:56:41,206 Please welcome Dennis Rodman. 1259 00:56:41,206 --> 00:56:43,275 [ Cheers and applause ] 1260 00:56:43,275 --> 00:56:51,724 ♪♪ 1261 00:56:51,724 --> 00:56:53,482 Hi. I'm Dennis Rodman. 1262 00:56:53,482 --> 00:56:57,448 I'm the only guy on this stage has done some really cool shit. 1263 00:56:57,448 --> 00:57:00,482 Hey, Ed Norton. What's up, man? 1264 00:57:00,482 --> 00:57:05,137 Edward goes by "Edward" and not "Ed" because he is a real dick. 1265 00:57:05,137 --> 00:57:06,931 [ Laughter ] 1266 00:57:06,931 --> 00:57:11,000 Ed Norton was in three of my favorite things -- 1267 00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:13,931 "American History X," 1268 00:57:13,931 --> 00:57:16,275 "Fight Club," 1269 00:57:16,275 --> 00:57:17,862 and Salma Hayek. 1270 00:57:17,862 --> 00:57:21,241 [ Audience cheers ] 1271 00:57:21,241 --> 00:57:23,172 Martha Stewart, I see you right there, baby. 1272 00:57:23,172 --> 00:57:27,413 The next time you go to jail, please call me. 1273 00:57:27,413 --> 00:57:29,379 I will secure your release. 1274 00:57:29,379 --> 00:57:32,793 [ Laughter ] 1275 00:57:32,793 --> 00:57:35,482 And look at that guy over there, Lil Rel. 1276 00:57:35,482 --> 00:57:37,931 Looking like fuckin' David Ortiz bobblehead. 1277 00:57:37,931 --> 00:57:40,034 [ Laughter ] 1278 00:57:42,551 --> 00:57:44,103 Cybill, I see you over there, baby. 1279 00:57:44,103 --> 00:57:45,862 I see you. 1280 00:57:45,862 --> 00:57:47,344 Cybill Shepherd -- 1281 00:57:47,344 --> 00:57:49,827 It sounds like a disease that you get 1282 00:57:49,827 --> 00:57:51,241 when you're fucking a sheep. 1283 00:57:51,241 --> 00:57:53,344 [ Laughter ] 1284 00:57:57,103 --> 00:57:58,689 Jeff Ross -- 1285 00:57:58,689 --> 00:58:04,206 Jeff's dick is so small, it looks like a hat for his nuts. 1286 00:58:04,206 --> 00:58:07,689 [ Laughter ] 1287 00:58:07,689 --> 00:58:10,620 People have been calling Joseph a pussy all night. 1288 00:58:10,620 --> 00:58:13,448 If one more person calls Joseph a pussy again, 1289 00:58:13,448 --> 00:58:16,344 I'm going to lick him for 20 minutes. 1290 00:58:16,344 --> 00:58:18,344 [ Laughter ] 1291 00:58:20,689 --> 00:58:24,137 [ Laughs ] 1292 00:58:24,137 --> 00:58:27,793 Bruce Willis, the last time I saw you was in the strip club. 1293 00:58:27,793 --> 00:58:30,034 -You remember that? -I do. 1294 00:58:30,034 --> 00:58:32,379 Yes, yes, you do. 1295 00:58:32,379 --> 00:58:35,448 And, Nikki, you was great on the stage, baby. 1296 00:58:35,448 --> 00:58:36,965 Thank you. 1297 00:58:38,275 --> 00:58:42,482 Bruce, you keep making these fucking bombs. 1298 00:58:42,482 --> 00:58:46,379 But guess what. So does Kim Jong-un. 1299 00:58:46,379 --> 00:58:51,103 But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his. 1300 00:58:51,103 --> 00:58:53,482 [ Laughter ] 1301 00:58:53,482 --> 00:58:55,724 I'm out there saving the world. 1302 00:58:55,724 --> 00:58:59,724 You can't even save Planet Hollywood. 1303 00:58:59,724 --> 00:59:01,103 Bruce came up with this whole idea 1304 00:59:01,103 --> 00:59:03,103 about the Planet Hollywood, you know? 1305 00:59:03,103 --> 00:59:04,689 He wanted to compete with the Hard Rock. 1306 00:59:04,689 --> 00:59:07,448 That was a great fuckin' idea, wasn't it? 1307 00:59:07,448 --> 00:59:11,068 So, anyway, he want all his Hollywood friends to invest. 1308 00:59:11,068 --> 00:59:12,482 He put in hundreds of thousands of dollars. 1309 00:59:12,482 --> 00:59:14,206 I put in a lot of damn money. 1310 00:59:14,206 --> 00:59:17,034 You owe me more money than my fuckin' family. 1311 00:59:17,034 --> 00:59:18,827 [ Laughter ] 1312 00:59:18,827 --> 00:59:20,827 I'm not here to roast you. 1313 00:59:20,827 --> 00:59:22,689 I'm here to collect, honey. 1314 00:59:22,689 --> 00:59:24,413 [ Cheers and applause ] 1315 00:59:29,137 --> 00:59:33,793 Bruce, you made a lot of bad decisions in your life, 1316 00:59:33,793 --> 00:59:35,310 and that's coming from me. 1317 00:59:35,310 --> 00:59:37,517 [ Laughter ] 1318 00:59:37,517 --> 00:59:40,068 I broke my dick three times. 1319 00:59:40,068 --> 00:59:42,724 I fucked Madonna without a condom. 1320 00:59:42,724 --> 00:59:44,896 I even married myself 1321 00:59:44,896 --> 00:59:49,758 and still somehow lost half of my fuckin' money in divorce. 1322 00:59:49,758 --> 00:59:51,448 [ Laughter ] 1323 00:59:51,448 --> 00:59:55,448 Bruce, thank you very much for inviting me to your roast. 1324 00:59:55,448 --> 00:59:57,000 It's amazing, man. You know what? 1325 00:59:57,000 --> 00:59:59,896 You have done so much for this industry, and you -- 1326 00:59:59,896 --> 01:00:03,517 I always get emotional and shit, right? 1327 01:00:03,517 --> 01:00:06,413 [ Cheers and applause ] 1328 01:00:06,413 --> 01:00:08,103 I'm just -- 1329 01:00:13,620 --> 01:00:15,965 Little hot, little hot, little hot. 1330 01:00:15,965 --> 01:00:18,068 Little hot. Little hot, guys. 1331 01:00:18,068 --> 01:00:19,137 It's just the light. 1332 01:00:19,137 --> 01:00:20,689 -It's the light. -Go, Dennis! 1333 01:00:20,689 --> 01:00:23,655 But anyway, Bruce, you've done so much for this industry, 1334 01:00:23,655 --> 01:00:25,379 especially for people like us, 1335 01:00:25,379 --> 01:00:27,689 as men, that we don't have the opportunity 1336 01:00:27,689 --> 01:00:30,344 and the courage to face it when we're wrong 1337 01:00:30,344 --> 01:00:32,241 and we make that bad decision, 1338 01:00:32,241 --> 01:00:33,758 but we have a beautiful family, 1339 01:00:33,758 --> 01:00:36,034 and your kids have to stand by you. 1340 01:00:36,034 --> 01:00:37,931 Thank you for having me, brother. 1341 01:00:37,931 --> 01:00:39,724 [ Cheers and applause ] 1342 01:00:41,931 --> 01:00:43,103 -You did great. -I almost died. 1343 01:00:43,103 --> 01:00:44,862 That's great. No, you did great. 1344 01:00:44,862 --> 01:00:46,655 That was tough. 1345 01:00:50,172 --> 01:00:52,551 All right, so listen. 1346 01:00:52,551 --> 01:00:58,482 We actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by. 1347 01:00:58,482 --> 01:01:00,068 [ Cheers and applause ] 1348 01:01:00,068 --> 01:01:02,586 Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore. 1349 01:01:02,586 --> 01:01:04,517 [ Cheers and applause ] 1350 01:01:04,517 --> 01:01:12,551 ♪♪ 1351 01:01:12,551 --> 01:01:14,172 Whoo! 1352 01:01:16,758 --> 01:01:20,206 Thank you. 1353 01:01:20,206 --> 01:01:22,413 Surprise! 1354 01:01:24,482 --> 01:01:26,000 Thank you. 1355 01:01:29,586 --> 01:01:32,379 Are you surprised? 1356 01:01:32,379 --> 01:01:34,034 Are you surprised, Bruce Willis? 1357 01:01:34,034 --> 01:01:35,655 -Yes. -Yes, I knew he would be. 1358 01:01:35,655 --> 01:01:37,413 I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday, 1359 01:01:37,413 --> 01:01:38,931 I knew he'd forget. 1360 01:01:38,931 --> 01:01:42,241 [ Laughter ] 1361 01:01:42,241 --> 01:01:46,482 So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore. 1362 01:01:46,482 --> 01:01:49,034 [ Cheers and applause ] 1363 01:01:49,034 --> 01:01:51,068 I was married to Bruce Willis 1364 01:01:51,068 --> 01:01:54,517 for the first three "Die Hard" movies, 1365 01:01:54,517 --> 01:01:57,482 which makes sense, because the last two sucked. 1366 01:01:57,482 --> 01:01:59,310 [ Laughter ] 1367 01:01:59,310 --> 01:02:01,931 After all these years, I have to say, you know what? 1368 01:02:01,931 --> 01:02:03,448 You look good. 1369 01:02:03,448 --> 01:02:07,586 I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up. 1370 01:02:07,586 --> 01:02:10,241 But we had some great times together. 1371 01:02:10,241 --> 01:02:11,862 I mean, we shared a lot. 1372 01:02:11,862 --> 01:02:15,724 I had three beautiful, amazing children. 1373 01:02:15,724 --> 01:02:18,275 [ Cheers and applause ] 1374 01:02:18,275 --> 01:02:20,655 Four if you count Bruce. 1375 01:02:20,655 --> 01:02:22,758 And then there's the dogs and Ashton, 1376 01:02:22,758 --> 01:02:25,517 so it's like six, but you know. 1377 01:02:25,517 --> 01:02:29,379 I mean, and, of course, you know, like, we did argue 1378 01:02:29,379 --> 01:02:32,758 over the kids' names, and in the end, Bruce won. 1379 01:02:32,758 --> 01:02:34,758 That's how they got stuck with "Willis." 1380 01:02:34,758 --> 01:02:36,931 [ Laughter ] 1381 01:02:36,931 --> 01:02:40,931 But I have to say, our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, 1382 01:02:40,931 --> 01:02:43,517 considering two of them are half Bruce Willis. 1383 01:02:43,517 --> 01:02:45,448 [ Laughter ] 1384 01:02:45,448 --> 01:02:49,000 But let me just say, he is a great father. 1385 01:02:49,000 --> 01:02:50,620 I mean, seriously. 1386 01:02:50,620 --> 01:02:54,137 I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls 1387 01:02:54,137 --> 01:02:58,068 go make him his special coffee with "medicine," 1388 01:02:58,068 --> 01:03:00,413 I mean, he would come down the chimney 1389 01:03:00,413 --> 01:03:02,689 in the wife-beater T-shirt, 1390 01:03:02,689 --> 01:03:07,206 waving that gun, saying, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!" 1391 01:03:07,206 --> 01:03:08,655 Yeah! 1392 01:03:08,655 --> 01:03:11,310 And, man, I mean, that's what he's always called them, 1393 01:03:11,310 --> 01:03:15,068 and they just -- they just love his tag lines. 1394 01:03:15,068 --> 01:03:18,034 I mean, but what you might not know -- 1395 01:03:18,034 --> 01:03:21,172 Bruce is super -- I mean, really generous. 1396 01:03:21,172 --> 01:03:25,137 I mean, when our daughter Rumer was a baby 1397 01:03:25,137 --> 01:03:27,068 and it was his turn to change the diaper 1398 01:03:27,068 --> 01:03:29,206 in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper, 1399 01:03:29,206 --> 01:03:31,517 and he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now 1400 01:03:31,517 --> 01:03:35,103 if you change that diaper." 1401 01:03:35,103 --> 01:03:39,655 Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well, the lawyer said, 1402 01:03:39,655 --> 01:03:41,310 "Don't worry. We'll take care of it. 1403 01:03:41,310 --> 01:03:44,517 We'll get it in the end." 1404 01:03:44,517 --> 01:03:47,862 And Scout -- Scout asked me not to say anything, 1405 01:03:47,862 --> 01:03:51,034 but just last week, he offered her $1,000 1406 01:03:51,034 --> 01:03:53,034 to change hisdiaper. 1407 01:03:53,034 --> 01:03:57,448 I mean, you know, some things never change. 1408 01:03:57,448 --> 01:03:59,172 They don't. 1409 01:03:59,172 --> 01:04:01,172 I mean, we were married -- let's see -- 1410 01:04:01,172 --> 01:04:06,655 almost 12 years, and that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years. 1411 01:04:06,655 --> 01:04:09,034 But I was there for some special moments. 1412 01:04:09,034 --> 01:04:12,413 Like, groundbreaking. When Bruce was -- 1413 01:04:12,413 --> 01:04:15,965 He got his career-breaking moment in "Pulp Fiction." 1414 01:04:15,965 --> 01:04:19,034 -Yeah. -I mean, it was... 1415 01:04:19,034 --> 01:04:20,862 It seemed really odd at the time. 1416 01:04:20,862 --> 01:04:25,034 I mean, he's big action star, like, doing a little indie film, 1417 01:04:25,034 --> 01:04:29,241 but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein's hotel, 1418 01:04:29,241 --> 01:04:30,758 and I don't know. 1419 01:04:30,758 --> 01:04:34,068 He came back swinging that ball gag, 1420 01:04:34,068 --> 01:04:36,724 and, man, he said, "I got the part." 1421 01:04:36,724 --> 01:04:38,517 [ Laughter ] 1422 01:04:38,517 --> 01:04:41,068 I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part. 1423 01:04:41,068 --> 01:04:45,172 Like, I know that I have dyed and cut and styled my hair 1424 01:04:45,172 --> 01:04:49,000 I can't tell you -- a million ways, but not Bruce. 1425 01:04:49,000 --> 01:04:52,413 I mean, that's his real hair. 1426 01:04:52,413 --> 01:04:57,310 And, ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes. 1427 01:04:57,310 --> 01:05:00,000 [ Laughter, cheering ] 1428 01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:03,344 I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there. 1429 01:05:03,344 --> 01:05:07,172 I'm just saying whichever place you look, it looks like a dick. 1430 01:05:07,172 --> 01:05:10,724 [ Laughter ] 1431 01:05:10,724 --> 01:05:12,172 You know, after our divorce, 1432 01:05:12,172 --> 01:05:15,517 he said that he considered the end of our marriage 1433 01:05:15,517 --> 01:05:17,620 his biggest failure. 1434 01:05:17,620 --> 01:05:21,034 But, Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself. 1435 01:05:21,034 --> 01:05:23,103 You have had much bigger failures. 1436 01:05:23,103 --> 01:05:26,206 I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawk," 1437 01:05:26,206 --> 01:05:27,586 "Striking Distance." 1438 01:05:27,586 --> 01:05:31,379 Come on, campaigning for Michael Dukakis. 1439 01:05:31,379 --> 01:05:35,482 I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven" 1440 01:05:35,482 --> 01:05:38,137 to focus on playing the harmonica. 1441 01:05:38,137 --> 01:05:39,758 I mean... 1442 01:05:39,758 --> 01:05:44,620 I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show, so... 1443 01:05:44,620 --> 01:05:46,103 But you know what? 1444 01:05:46,103 --> 01:05:48,793 I look back over all the years that we've had together. 1445 01:05:48,793 --> 01:05:52,310 We certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say, 1446 01:05:52,310 --> 01:05:55,620 those were some of the best times of my life. 1447 01:05:55,620 --> 01:05:59,724 I just look at our marriage like "The Sixth Sense." 1448 01:05:59,724 --> 01:06:01,758 You were dead the whole time. 1449 01:06:01,758 --> 01:06:05,344 [ Laughter ] 1450 01:06:05,344 --> 01:06:07,310 All kidding aside -- 1451 01:06:07,310 --> 01:06:10,758 Truly, all kidding aside, I'm really honored to be here. 1452 01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:13,827 You are someone I truly care about. 1453 01:06:13,827 --> 01:06:17,689 You will always have a special place in my heart. 1454 01:06:17,689 --> 01:06:20,310 I'm so grateful that you're in my life 1455 01:06:20,310 --> 01:06:22,379 and our children's lives, 1456 01:06:22,379 --> 01:06:24,413 and no matter what, you will always be family. 1457 01:06:24,413 --> 01:06:27,379 You've been a great friend, a great father, 1458 01:06:27,379 --> 01:06:30,448 and easily one of my top three husbands. 1459 01:06:30,448 --> 01:06:34,103 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 1460 01:06:34,103 --> 01:06:35,344 Thank you. 1461 01:06:35,344 --> 01:06:37,034 Good night. 1462 01:06:37,034 --> 01:06:39,689 Oh, baby. 1463 01:06:41,689 --> 01:06:43,379 -Was that all right? -Oh, terrific. 1464 01:06:43,379 --> 01:06:45,344 It was fucking great. 1465 01:06:45,344 --> 01:06:46,827 Hi, Kevin Pollak. 1466 01:06:46,827 --> 01:06:49,068 Oh, my God. 1467 01:06:49,068 --> 01:06:51,344 Coming up, Jeff Ross... 1468 01:06:51,344 --> 01:06:53,620 Me roast you long time, motherfucker! 1469 01:06:53,620 --> 01:06:55,448 ...and Bruce Willis. 1470 01:06:55,448 --> 01:06:58,275 He's a brave man or he needs the money. 1471 01:07:01,413 --> 01:07:02,862 [ Cheers and applause ] 1472 01:07:02,862 --> 01:07:05,965 ♪♪ 1473 01:07:05,965 --> 01:07:10,379 Our next roaster is the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. 1474 01:07:10,379 --> 01:07:12,724 [ Cheers and applause ] 1475 01:07:12,724 --> 01:07:15,827 He's done 14 Comedy Central roasts, 1476 01:07:15,827 --> 01:07:18,275 because if you do 15, you get a free pizza. 1477 01:07:18,275 --> 01:07:20,482 [ Laughter ] 1478 01:07:20,482 --> 01:07:23,517 Jeff will be on the season premiere of "Roast Battle" 1479 01:07:23,517 --> 01:07:26,448 after this broadcast, so if you want to see 1480 01:07:26,448 --> 01:07:30,310 how much fatter he gets by then, check it out. 1481 01:07:30,310 --> 01:07:32,068 Please welcome Jeff Ross! 1482 01:07:32,068 --> 01:07:34,379 [ Cheers and applause ] 1483 01:07:34,379 --> 01:07:38,758 ♪♪ 1484 01:07:38,758 --> 01:07:40,758 Happy roast, everyone. 1485 01:07:40,758 --> 01:07:42,275 [ Cheers and applause ] 1486 01:07:42,275 --> 01:07:45,413 Look at this beautiful crowd. 1487 01:07:45,413 --> 01:07:51,137 Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel. 1488 01:07:51,137 --> 01:07:52,655 Bruce is a real man's man. 1489 01:07:52,655 --> 01:07:55,862 He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight, 1490 01:07:55,862 --> 01:07:59,000 and it's been great getting to know you and your lovely family, 1491 01:07:59,000 --> 01:08:02,448 and I see -- I met Rumer, your daughter. 1492 01:08:02,448 --> 01:08:04,000 Hi, Rumer. 1493 01:08:04,000 --> 01:08:05,620 I guess that's the name your mom gives you 1494 01:08:05,620 --> 01:08:08,724 when she's not 100% sure who your father is. 1495 01:08:08,724 --> 01:08:10,689 [ Laughter ] 1496 01:08:14,827 --> 01:08:16,275 Get a shot of that whole table. 1497 01:08:16,275 --> 01:08:18,862 It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce. 1498 01:08:18,862 --> 01:08:21,103 Your family looks like all the villains you killed off 1499 01:08:21,103 --> 01:08:22,862 in the "Die Hard" movies. 1500 01:08:22,862 --> 01:08:25,655 [ Laughter ] 1501 01:08:25,655 --> 01:08:27,000 What a legend. 1502 01:08:27,000 --> 01:08:28,517 Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists 1503 01:08:28,517 --> 01:08:30,413 since before they were Arab. 1504 01:08:30,413 --> 01:08:32,379 [ Laughter ] 1505 01:08:35,344 --> 01:08:39,103 Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia. 1506 01:08:39,103 --> 01:08:42,034 [ Laughter ] 1507 01:08:42,034 --> 01:08:44,482 Bruce Willis, you love your country so much, 1508 01:08:44,482 --> 01:08:46,448 he once said that if the people wanted it, 1509 01:08:46,448 --> 01:08:49,206 he might even run for president someday. 1510 01:08:49,206 --> 01:08:51,827 I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations, 1511 01:08:51,827 --> 01:08:53,000 but the last time I did that, 1512 01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:55,310 the fucker actually became president. 1513 01:08:55,310 --> 01:08:57,758 [ Laughter ] 1514 01:08:57,758 --> 01:08:59,620 All night, people are saying I look like you, 1515 01:08:59,620 --> 01:09:02,931 but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner-Willis. 1516 01:09:02,931 --> 01:09:04,931 [ Audience groans ] 1517 01:09:11,965 --> 01:09:13,379 And Lil Rel -- 1518 01:09:13,379 --> 01:09:16,827 Lil Rel looks like Bruce "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 1519 01:09:16,827 --> 01:09:18,724 [ Laughter ] 1520 01:09:24,758 --> 01:09:27,827 Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original. 1521 01:09:27,827 --> 01:09:33,068 How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim? 1522 01:09:33,068 --> 01:09:34,655 You look like Sir Patrick Stewart 1523 01:09:34,655 --> 01:09:36,862 if he operated a Ferris wheel. 1524 01:09:36,862 --> 01:09:39,068 [ Laughter ] 1525 01:09:45,862 --> 01:09:49,103 How the fuck are you a movie star? 1526 01:09:49,103 --> 01:09:51,586 You look like a bouncer at a nursing home. 1527 01:09:54,275 --> 01:09:56,517 You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts 1528 01:09:56,517 --> 01:09:58,724 instead of wascally wabbits. 1529 01:09:58,724 --> 01:10:02,000 [ Laughter ] 1530 01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:04,689 This fucking guy. 1531 01:10:04,689 --> 01:10:08,241 Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad, 1532 01:10:08,241 --> 01:10:10,793 he's slowly morphing into one. 1533 01:10:10,793 --> 01:10:13,000 [ Laughter ] 1534 01:10:16,034 --> 01:10:17,620 It's crazy. 1535 01:10:17,620 --> 01:10:19,862 He went from being Hollywood's leading man 1536 01:10:19,862 --> 01:10:23,137 to Demi Moore looking at you and saying, "You know what? 1537 01:10:23,137 --> 01:10:26,206 I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from "Dude, Where's My Car?" 1538 01:10:26,206 --> 01:10:28,137 [ Laughter ] 1539 01:10:31,482 --> 01:10:33,931 But, Bruce, we all wish you luck with your lawsuit 1540 01:10:33,931 --> 01:10:36,137 against the Blue Man Group. 1541 01:10:36,137 --> 01:10:38,241 [ Laughter ] 1542 01:10:42,275 --> 01:10:44,689 This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star. 1543 01:10:44,689 --> 01:10:48,551 You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history. 1544 01:10:48,551 --> 01:10:51,034 My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction" 1545 01:10:51,034 --> 01:10:54,344 when you saved the guy from getting fucked in the ass. 1546 01:10:54,344 --> 01:10:56,758 Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like, 1547 01:10:56,758 --> 01:10:58,931 "Wait, who's the bad guy again?" 1548 01:10:58,931 --> 01:11:00,931 [ Laughter ] 1549 01:11:02,965 --> 01:11:04,620 What the fuck? 1550 01:11:04,620 --> 01:11:07,103 Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb. 1551 01:11:07,103 --> 01:11:11,448 "Death Wish" -- what a fuckin' stinker, Bruce. 1552 01:11:11,448 --> 01:11:13,551 You looked like you did your own stunts 1553 01:11:13,551 --> 01:11:16,448 and your own lighting, editing, and directing. 1554 01:11:16,448 --> 01:11:18,896 [ Laughter ] 1555 01:11:18,896 --> 01:11:20,034 Whew! 1556 01:11:20,034 --> 01:11:21,275 How about a hand for tonight's host, 1557 01:11:21,275 --> 01:11:23,034 Joseph "Boredom" Levitt. 1558 01:11:23,034 --> 01:11:25,517 [ Cheers and applause ] 1559 01:11:25,517 --> 01:11:27,655 JGL! 1560 01:11:27,655 --> 01:11:30,275 Joseph Gordon-Levitt -- 1561 01:11:30,275 --> 01:11:34,206 the only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker. 1562 01:11:34,206 --> 01:11:36,034 [ Laughter ] 1563 01:11:38,689 --> 01:11:40,103 Thanks for dressing up, Joseph. 1564 01:11:40,103 --> 01:11:42,517 You look like a lesbian on the way to prom. 1565 01:11:42,517 --> 01:11:44,379 [ Laughter ] 1566 01:11:47,379 --> 01:11:48,551 Yeah. 1567 01:11:48,551 --> 01:11:50,586 Joseph starred in "3rd Rock from the Sun," 1568 01:11:50,586 --> 01:11:54,000 and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son. 1569 01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:55,620 [ Laughter ] 1570 01:11:57,862 --> 01:11:59,206 Yeah, why not? 1571 01:11:59,206 --> 01:12:00,586 Give it up for our next Secretary of State, 1572 01:12:00,586 --> 01:12:02,551 my man Dennis Rodman. 1573 01:12:02,551 --> 01:12:04,724 [ Cheers and applause ] 1574 01:12:07,896 --> 01:12:09,689 You think Kim Jong-un is a nice guy, 1575 01:12:09,689 --> 01:12:11,827 and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen. 1576 01:12:11,827 --> 01:12:15,620 [ Laughter, applause ] 1577 01:12:22,310 --> 01:12:24,517 My pal Lil Rel is here. 1578 01:12:24,517 --> 01:12:27,206 [ Cheers and applause ] 1579 01:12:27,206 --> 01:12:29,241 So happy for you, buddy. So happy. 1580 01:12:29,241 --> 01:12:31,931 Congrats on all your success and your newest film, 1581 01:12:31,931 --> 01:12:35,034 "Angry Birds 2." 1582 01:12:35,034 --> 01:12:37,000 Good to see you're not selling out. 1583 01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:38,620 [ Laughter ] 1584 01:12:38,620 --> 01:12:40,689 What do you play, Jim Crow? 1585 01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:43,000 [ Audience groans ] 1586 01:12:48,137 --> 01:12:50,344 Great to see Cybill Shepherd again. 1587 01:12:50,344 --> 01:12:51,758 And just like most shepherds, 1588 01:12:51,758 --> 01:12:54,724 Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries. 1589 01:12:54,724 --> 01:12:56,862 [ Laughter ] 1590 01:12:56,862 --> 01:12:58,275 Okay. 1591 01:12:58,275 --> 01:13:02,137 Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man. 1592 01:13:02,137 --> 01:13:03,724 Years after their affair, 1593 01:13:03,724 --> 01:13:05,793 Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you. 1594 01:13:05,793 --> 01:13:08,586 Is that true? Yeah. 1595 01:13:08,586 --> 01:13:10,206 All right. 1596 01:13:10,206 --> 01:13:12,517 Hell yeah! 1597 01:13:12,517 --> 01:13:14,172 Wow. 1598 01:13:14,172 --> 01:13:17,206 You'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell. 1599 01:13:17,206 --> 01:13:19,896 [ Audience groans ] 1600 01:13:19,896 --> 01:13:22,000 Oh, my God! 1601 01:13:22,000 --> 01:13:23,517 And speaking of moonlighting, 1602 01:13:23,517 --> 01:13:26,517 Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill 1603 01:13:26,517 --> 01:13:27,827 to be here. 1604 01:13:27,827 --> 01:13:29,517 [ Laughter ] 1605 01:13:31,655 --> 01:13:34,344 [ Laughs ] 1606 01:13:34,344 --> 01:13:37,586 Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say, 1607 01:13:37,586 --> 01:13:41,689 "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse." 1608 01:13:41,689 --> 01:13:44,172 True. That's right. 1609 01:13:44,172 --> 01:13:45,724 Kevin Pollak, I love you, man, 1610 01:13:45,724 --> 01:13:48,034 but that Christopher Walken impression is so old, 1611 01:13:48,034 --> 01:13:50,275 Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it. 1612 01:13:50,275 --> 01:13:52,551 [ Laughter ] 1613 01:13:55,965 --> 01:13:57,551 Love you, Kevin. Sit tight. 1614 01:13:57,551 --> 01:14:00,482 You're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies. 1615 01:14:05,310 --> 01:14:07,448 -Bruce. -Yes? 1616 01:14:07,448 --> 01:14:09,068 You've accomplished so much, buddy, 1617 01:14:09,068 --> 01:14:12,482 but I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon" 1618 01:14:12,482 --> 01:14:17,000 that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career, 1619 01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:20,275 because in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock. 1620 01:14:22,862 --> 01:14:26,310 Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, 1621 01:14:26,310 --> 01:14:28,689 so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, 1622 01:14:28,689 --> 01:14:32,103 and I wish you continued success, good health, 1623 01:14:32,103 --> 01:14:34,034 and I can't wait to see your next project -- 1624 01:14:34,034 --> 01:14:36,413 "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes." 1625 01:14:36,413 --> 01:14:39,517 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 1626 01:14:39,517 --> 01:14:42,586 [ Laughs ] Oh, baby. 1627 01:14:42,586 --> 01:14:44,413 -Love you, buddy. -That was -- Love you, too. 1628 01:14:44,413 --> 01:14:46,793 -Oh, God. Unbelievable. -So fun. 1629 01:14:46,793 --> 01:14:49,448 -Knock 'em dead over there. -So much fun. 1630 01:14:49,448 --> 01:14:52,758 Jeff Ross just fucking destroyed. 1631 01:14:52,758 --> 01:14:55,827 Coming up, Bruce Willis with a vengeance. 1632 01:14:55,827 --> 01:14:57,068 Willis: People are gonna be crying. 1633 01:14:57,068 --> 01:14:58,275 They're gonna be laughing. 1634 01:14:58,275 --> 01:15:01,931 Apparently, they're gonna let people drink. 1635 01:15:01,931 --> 01:15:03,620 Do you think that's gonna be a problem? 1636 01:15:06,551 --> 01:15:08,413 [ Cheers and applause ] 1637 01:15:08,413 --> 01:15:11,000 ♪♪ 1638 01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:13,482 Give it up for the unbreakable, unmistakable, 1639 01:15:13,482 --> 01:15:15,793 rippin-est, rockin-est the Hudson Hawken-est. 1640 01:15:15,793 --> 01:15:17,000 He's the man of the hour, 1641 01:15:17,000 --> 01:15:20,862 from the Nakatomi Tower, Bruce Willis! 1642 01:15:20,862 --> 01:15:23,827 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 1643 01:15:23,827 --> 01:15:29,068 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot, na-na-na oh ♪ 1644 01:15:29,068 --> 01:15:31,034 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1645 01:15:33,137 --> 01:15:34,793 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1646 01:15:34,793 --> 01:15:37,793 [ Cheers and applause ] 1647 01:15:39,517 --> 01:15:41,724 Willis: Whoo! 1648 01:15:41,724 --> 01:15:43,310 Come out to the roast. 1649 01:15:43,310 --> 01:15:47,448 We'll get together and have a few laughs. 1650 01:15:47,448 --> 01:15:49,482 If you're fan of Bruce Willis movies, 1651 01:15:49,482 --> 01:15:52,896 and I know that you are... 1652 01:15:52,896 --> 01:15:55,103 then you know how this works. 1653 01:15:55,103 --> 01:15:58,827 I get the shit beat out of me for about an hour and a half, 1654 01:15:58,827 --> 01:16:02,689 and then at the end, I come back and whip everybody's ass. 1655 01:16:02,689 --> 01:16:04,862 [ Cheers and applause ] 1656 01:16:07,620 --> 01:16:09,482 Out! 1657 01:16:09,482 --> 01:16:11,586 So, buckle up, bitches! 1658 01:16:11,586 --> 01:16:14,482 This is ass-whuppin' time! 1659 01:16:14,482 --> 01:16:16,344 [ Cheers and applause ] 1660 01:16:16,344 --> 01:16:18,655 That's what I'm talking about. 1661 01:16:18,655 --> 01:16:20,724 You know, in my action movies, 1662 01:16:20,724 --> 01:16:24,275 there's always some young punk trying to come at me, 1663 01:16:24,275 --> 01:16:28,068 and tonight, it's Judas Gordon-Levitt. 1664 01:16:30,137 --> 01:16:36,000 Joe, I took you under my wing, tried to make you tough, 1665 01:16:36,000 --> 01:16:38,448 tried to make you an action star, 1666 01:16:38,448 --> 01:16:40,241 which ain't easy to do with a kid 1667 01:16:40,241 --> 01:16:43,655 who looks like the bad boy of figure skating. 1668 01:16:43,655 --> 01:16:45,482 [ Laughter ] 1669 01:16:50,241 --> 01:16:53,068 Joseph played a younger me in "Looper." 1670 01:16:53,068 --> 01:16:54,724 Couldn't pull it off. 1671 01:16:54,724 --> 01:16:56,517 [ Laughter ] 1672 01:16:56,517 --> 01:17:00,482 There's only one actor who successfully played me. 1673 01:17:00,482 --> 01:17:02,586 It was Demi Moore. 1674 01:17:02,586 --> 01:17:04,758 [ Laughter ] 1675 01:17:04,758 --> 01:17:09,965 And she made a lot more money than you did, sweetheart. 1676 01:17:09,965 --> 01:17:12,931 Jeff Ross, how many of these roasts have you done? 1677 01:17:12,931 --> 01:17:14,344 Plenty. 1678 01:17:14,344 --> 01:17:16,103 You'll never get successful doing the same thing 1679 01:17:16,103 --> 01:17:19,103 over and over and over, Jeff. 1680 01:17:19,103 --> 01:17:21,896 I mean, I did, but you can't. 1681 01:17:21,896 --> 01:17:23,241 [ Laughter ] 1682 01:17:23,241 --> 01:17:25,448 I'll tell you who's a badass up here, 1683 01:17:25,448 --> 01:17:27,862 and that is my buddy Edward Norton. 1684 01:17:27,862 --> 01:17:29,413 Get the fuck up here! 1685 01:17:29,413 --> 01:17:33,862 "Fight Club" was the perfect movie for you. 1686 01:17:33,862 --> 01:17:35,517 Who doesn't want to watch Ed Norton 1687 01:17:35,517 --> 01:17:40,137 get punched in the face for about 90 minutes? 1688 01:17:40,137 --> 01:17:42,379 I love you, Ed. I do. 1689 01:17:42,379 --> 01:17:45,896 But you do have a rep in this town for being... 1690 01:17:45,896 --> 01:17:48,310 you know, hard to work with. 1691 01:17:48,310 --> 01:17:50,620 Norton's rubbed more people the wrong way 1692 01:17:50,620 --> 01:17:52,655 than Harvey Weinstein. 1693 01:17:52,655 --> 01:17:54,413 [ Laughter ] 1694 01:17:56,793 --> 01:17:58,896 Sorry. 1695 01:17:58,896 --> 01:18:01,586 But you were great in "The Italian Job." 1696 01:18:01,586 --> 01:18:03,758 [ Audience cheers ] 1697 01:18:03,758 --> 01:18:08,655 An Italian job is also when you titty fuck Dom Irrera. 1698 01:18:08,655 --> 01:18:10,965 [ Laughter ] 1699 01:18:10,965 --> 01:18:13,034 Lil Rel. Saw you in "Get Out." 1700 01:18:13,034 --> 01:18:15,551 Man, I love that movie. 1701 01:18:15,551 --> 01:18:18,068 If you haven't seen it, it's about how black people 1702 01:18:18,068 --> 01:18:20,965 are really rude house guests. 1703 01:18:20,965 --> 01:18:22,896 [ Laughter ] 1704 01:18:27,310 --> 01:18:31,310 And now I want to take on the toughest person up here -- 1705 01:18:31,310 --> 01:18:34,931 my friend ex-con Martha Stewart. 1706 01:18:34,931 --> 01:18:37,137 [ Cheers and applause ] 1707 01:18:37,137 --> 01:18:39,413 Yeah, baby. 1708 01:18:39,413 --> 01:18:41,448 If anyone can survive in prison, 1709 01:18:41,448 --> 01:18:44,000 it's someone who can toss a salad. 1710 01:18:44,000 --> 01:18:45,965 [ Audience cheers ] 1711 01:18:45,965 --> 01:18:47,137 That's right. 1712 01:18:47,137 --> 01:18:50,517 Martha's a real corporate kingpin. 1713 01:18:50,517 --> 01:18:53,068 She even has her own brand of wine. 1714 01:18:53,068 --> 01:18:57,310 It's like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box. 1715 01:18:57,310 --> 01:19:00,413 [ Laughter ] 1716 01:19:00,413 --> 01:19:03,068 Martha is also a humanitarian. 1717 01:19:03,068 --> 01:19:07,068 When she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages, 1718 01:19:07,068 --> 01:19:09,724 she sent them sewing machines. 1719 01:19:09,724 --> 01:19:11,827 [ Laughter ] 1720 01:19:11,827 --> 01:19:14,206 What's wrong with that? 1721 01:19:14,206 --> 01:19:17,310 Kevin Pollak, welcome to the party, pal. 1722 01:19:17,310 --> 01:19:21,310 You owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate. 1723 01:19:21,310 --> 01:19:25,068 You've made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid. 1724 01:19:25,068 --> 01:19:27,137 [ Laughter ] 1725 01:19:27,137 --> 01:19:31,551 And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses. 1726 01:19:33,758 --> 01:19:36,103 Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan. 1727 01:19:36,103 --> 01:19:39,620 You and Vince Vaughn were great in "Wedding Crashers." 1728 01:19:39,620 --> 01:19:42,034 [ Laughter ] 1729 01:19:42,034 --> 01:19:44,000 I see it! 1730 01:19:44,000 --> 01:19:46,827 -I see it. -I'm sorry. 1731 01:19:46,827 --> 01:19:52,896 You know, Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend. 1732 01:19:52,896 --> 01:19:54,275 There's people I've known longer, 1733 01:19:54,275 --> 01:19:57,965 but you are my oldest friend. 1734 01:19:57,965 --> 01:19:59,620 When I got cast in "Moonlighting," 1735 01:19:59,620 --> 01:20:02,689 they picked me over 3,000 other actors 1736 01:20:02,689 --> 01:20:04,413 because they wanted someone 1737 01:20:04,413 --> 01:20:07,344 who didn't have a sexual history with Cybill. 1738 01:20:07,344 --> 01:20:09,896 [ Laughter ] 1739 01:20:09,896 --> 01:20:12,965 It's so great to be back on TV with you, honey, 1740 01:20:12,965 --> 01:20:15,379 in another show starring me. 1741 01:20:15,379 --> 01:20:17,482 [ Laughter ] 1742 01:20:17,482 --> 01:20:19,344 I'm so sorry. 1743 01:20:19,344 --> 01:20:20,793 Sorry. 1744 01:20:20,793 --> 01:20:22,965 And finally, it's so great 1745 01:20:22,965 --> 01:20:27,793 to have the esteemed diplomat Dennis Rodman here. 1746 01:20:27,793 --> 01:20:29,793 -Whoo! -Oh, shit. 1747 01:20:29,793 --> 01:20:32,275 I don't want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator, 1748 01:20:32,275 --> 01:20:33,724 but he thinks a shoe deal 1749 01:20:33,724 --> 01:20:36,241 is when you get two at the same time. 1750 01:20:36,241 --> 01:20:37,620 [ Laughter ] 1751 01:20:37,620 --> 01:20:40,931 Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communicate 1752 01:20:40,931 --> 01:20:43,241 when neither of you speak English? 1753 01:20:45,758 --> 01:20:47,206 Dennis, I know you think 1754 01:20:47,206 --> 01:20:48,931 it's a big deal that you saved the world, 1755 01:20:48,931 --> 01:20:51,344 but it's not as much as it's made up to be. 1756 01:20:51,344 --> 01:20:56,172 Who cares? I've saved the world 18 times. 1757 01:20:56,172 --> 01:20:57,448 Nothing can keep me down. 1758 01:20:57,448 --> 01:20:59,965 I've been attacked by terrorists, asteroids, 1759 01:20:59,965 --> 01:21:03,931 film critics, music critics, restaurant critics, 1760 01:21:03,931 --> 01:21:07,517 divorce lawyers, male-pattern baldness, 1761 01:21:07,517 --> 01:21:09,862 and none of it -- none of it stopped me 1762 01:21:09,862 --> 01:21:13,896 because I am still Bruce Fuckin' Willis. 1763 01:21:13,896 --> 01:21:15,965 [ Cheers and applause ] 1764 01:21:24,068 --> 01:21:27,137 People ask me why I did this roast. 1765 01:21:27,137 --> 01:21:29,896 Was it because one of the last guys who did it 1766 01:21:29,896 --> 01:21:31,344 became president? 1767 01:21:31,344 --> 01:21:32,965 Hell no. 1768 01:21:32,965 --> 01:21:34,586 Why would I want to be president 1769 01:21:34,586 --> 01:21:38,275 when I can just keep being Bruce Fuckin' Willis? 1770 01:21:38,275 --> 01:21:40,758 [ Cheers and applause ] 1771 01:21:40,758 --> 01:21:42,413 Huh? Yeah? 1772 01:21:42,413 --> 01:21:46,655 I did this roast for one reason and for one reason only -- 1773 01:21:46,655 --> 01:21:50,689 to settle something once and for all. 1774 01:21:50,689 --> 01:21:54,275 Now, please, listen very carefully. 1775 01:21:54,275 --> 01:22:00,137 "Die Hard" is not a Christmas movie! 1776 01:22:00,137 --> 01:22:03,517 [ Cheers and applause ] 1777 01:22:03,517 --> 01:22:06,931 It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie. 1778 01:22:06,931 --> 01:22:10,689 So, yippee ki-yay to all of you motherfuckers. 1779 01:22:10,689 --> 01:22:12,068 Good night! 1780 01:22:12,068 --> 01:22:13,689 [ Cheers and applause ] 1781 01:22:13,689 --> 01:22:16,379 [ "Respect Yourself" plays ] 1782 01:22:16,379 --> 01:22:23,068 ♪♪ 1783 01:22:23,068 --> 01:22:25,448 [ Harmonica playing ] 1784 01:22:25,448 --> 01:22:28,275 ♪♪ 1785 01:22:28,275 --> 01:22:30,344 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1786 01:22:32,103 --> 01:22:34,000 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1787 01:22:36,172 --> 01:22:38,000 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1788 01:22:40,172 --> 01:22:41,793 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1789 01:22:41,793 --> 01:22:45,000 ♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 1790 01:22:45,000 --> 01:22:47,931 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 1791 01:22:47,931 --> 01:22:51,758 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ 1792 01:22:51,758 --> 01:22:52,965 ♪ Na-na-na-na ♪ 1793 01:22:52,965 --> 01:22:55,206 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1794 01:22:57,241 --> 01:22:58,965 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1795 01:23:01,068 --> 01:23:03,068 ♪ Respect yourself ♪ 1796 01:23:03,068 --> 01:23:09,758 ♪♪ 1797 01:23:11,931 --> 01:23:13,379 ♪♪ 1798 01:23:13,379 --> 01:23:15,931 Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! 1799 01:23:15,931 --> 01:23:18,310 My favorite joke of the night was Jeff Ross, 1800 01:23:18,310 --> 01:23:21,137 that you have a lawsuit going with the Blue Man Group. 1801 01:23:21,137 --> 01:23:22,482 -She looks great. -Yeah. 1802 01:23:22,482 --> 01:23:23,965 Ross: I had no idea Demi Moore 1803 01:23:23,965 --> 01:23:25,827 would ever come out at his roast. 1804 01:23:25,827 --> 01:23:27,517 And she was hilarious, to boot. 1805 01:23:27,517 --> 01:23:28,827 And she looks great. 1806 01:23:28,827 --> 01:23:30,379 So hopefully she'll be at the after party. 1807 01:23:30,379 --> 01:23:31,758 I think I got a shot. 1808 01:23:31,758 --> 01:23:34,137 I thought something was gonna dislocate my jaw 1809 01:23:34,137 --> 01:23:35,517 'cause I was laughing so hard. 1810 01:23:35,517 --> 01:23:38,137 It was going like this. I was like [Grunts] 1811 01:23:38,137 --> 01:23:40,862 "I don't think I can pull it down anymore."