1
00:00:03,863 --> 00:00:05,030
"What a loser.
2
00:00:05,030 --> 00:00:06,198
"I hate ChaseDreams.
He sucks.
3
00:00:06,198 --> 00:00:07,616
"Loser.
Loser.
4
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:09,160
"ChaseDreams sucks. Asshole.
5
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,286
Loser.
Sucks."
6
00:00:10,286 --> 00:00:11,787
And that's just one comment.
7
00:00:11,787 --> 00:00:12,788
I'm so sorry.
8
00:00:12,788 --> 00:00:16,041
This is all my fault.
9
00:00:16,041 --> 00:00:18,085
I mean, it's not all my fault.
10
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,795
It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,
11
00:00:19,795 --> 00:00:21,130
and I'm not.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:21,130 --> 00:00:23,841
You know, and it's
giving me anxiety.
13
00:00:23,841 --> 00:00:26,051
Hold on.
14
00:00:26,051 --> 00:00:27,303
You have anxiety?
15
00:00:27,303 --> 00:00:29,054
Yeah, and it's
making me depressed.
16
00:00:29,054 --> 00:00:30,598
What--wait.
17
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:33,017
You have anxiety
and depression?
18
00:00:33,017 --> 00:00:35,269
I mean, I guess so.
19
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,312
Oh, my God.
20
00:00:36,312 --> 00:00:38,230
I have a client...
21
00:00:38,230 --> 00:00:39,482
[dramatic music]
22
00:00:39,482 --> 00:00:43,194
Struggling with mental health.
23
00:00:43,194 --> 00:00:45,029
Chase, you beautiful boy.
24
00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,655
Do you know what this means?
25
00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:49,200
There's money in singing,
but if we can make you
26
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,870
the face of mental health,
my gosh--
27
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:54,205
Shuli, no.
28
00:00:54,205 --> 00:00:55,247
This is disgusting.
29
00:00:55,247 --> 00:00:56,665
Why? He has anxiety.
30
00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,000
He said it himself.
31
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,002
I thought you'd be
on board with this.
32
00:01:00,002 --> 00:01:02,671
He could do a lot of good.
33
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:04,006
Oh.
34
00:01:04,006 --> 00:01:05,174
Yeah?
35
00:01:05,174 --> 00:01:08,010
I mean,
he does have anxiety,
36
00:01:08,010 --> 00:01:09,512
so it's not a lie.
37
00:01:09,512 --> 00:01:12,389
And having him talk
about mental health
38
00:01:12,389 --> 00:01:14,266
could empower others.
39
00:01:14,266 --> 00:01:18,145
So I could do
what I wanted all along:
40
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:19,271
Good.
41
00:01:19,271 --> 00:01:20,397
[dramatic music]
42
00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:21,816
I could finally do good--
43
00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,526
Girl, don't just do
the thing I did.
44
00:01:23,526 --> 00:01:25,402
Okay, sorry.
How does this help me?
45
00:01:25,402 --> 00:01:27,988
I just want to stop looking bad
and go back to being me.
46
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,240
First things first,
47
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:30,991
we'll set you up
with a therapist...
48
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:31,992
Okay.
49
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,035
App.
50
00:01:33,035 --> 00:01:35,287
A therapist app.
51
00:01:35,287 --> 00:01:36,330
Hi.
52
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,873
I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.
53
00:01:37,873 --> 00:01:40,292
I used to be bad
and want to punch my mom,
54
00:01:40,292 --> 00:01:42,378
but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,
55
00:01:42,378 --> 00:01:43,879
because therapy works,
56
00:01:43,879 --> 00:01:45,548
which is why I've partnered
with BetterHealth
57
00:01:45,548 --> 00:01:48,759
to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.
58
00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:51,971
Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,
59
00:01:51,971 --> 00:01:55,266
the new face of mental health, ChaseDreams.
60
00:01:55,266 --> 00:01:57,560
♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
61
00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:59,353
And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,
62
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,230
and walk through that
little park with the ducks.
63
00:02:01,230 --> 00:02:02,731
Do you remember
that park, Cary?
64
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:04,400
- Uh...
- And then we're gonna go back
65
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,734
to Lisa's and order dinner
66
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,236
from El Poncho Taqueria.
67
00:02:07,236 --> 00:02:08,696
Ooh, I can't wait.
68
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,156
I think you might be
the first person ever
69
00:02:10,156 --> 00:02:11,699
to be excited to go to Ohio.
70
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:12,992
Well, I am.
71
00:02:12,992 --> 00:02:15,452
Things have been so crazy here.
72
00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:17,913
I just want
a simple weekend back home.
73
00:02:17,913 --> 00:02:19,832
Reconnect with the old me.
74
00:02:19,832 --> 00:02:21,292
Are you sure
you don't wanna come?
75
00:02:21,292 --> 00:02:23,294
It is your high school
reunion tonight.
76
00:02:23,294 --> 00:02:24,545
Yeah, no,
77
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,255
I am absolutely
not going to that.
78
00:02:26,255 --> 00:02:28,299
I just--I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be
79
00:02:28,299 --> 00:02:29,675
more successful by now.
80
00:02:29,675 --> 00:02:30,926
Like, if I'm gonna go,
81
00:02:30,926 --> 00:02:32,595
I need to make sure
I fully win.
82
00:02:32,595 --> 00:02:34,680
Sorry.
Aren't you so successful?
83
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,266
What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"
84
00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:39,852
and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?
85
00:02:39,852 --> 00:02:41,896
I mean that show's a hit, Cary.
86
00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:43,939
It's number one on Netflix,
after that show
87
00:02:43,939 --> 00:02:45,941
where the puppies run
the errands.
88
00:02:45,941 --> 00:02:47,026
What else are you looking for?
89
00:02:47,026 --> 00:02:48,527
Yeah, I know it's a hit.
90
00:02:48,527 --> 00:02:49,945
But I still don't know
91
00:02:49,945 --> 00:02:51,447
if they're gonna do
more seasons,
92
00:02:51,447 --> 00:02:53,032
so it's not like I have
job security,
93
00:02:53,032 --> 00:02:55,492
and even if they do,
my character doesn't talk.
94
00:02:55,492 --> 00:02:57,828
And it's just
a dumb wizard show.
95
00:02:57,828 --> 00:02:59,204
It's not, like, important or--
[motor revving]
96
00:02:59,204 --> 00:03:00,956
Oh, sorry, Cary.
My copter's here.
97
00:03:00,956 --> 00:03:02,791
And I gotta get
to my plane ASAP,
98
00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:05,336
because all the stores
on Main Street close at 3:15.
99
00:03:05,336 --> 00:03:06,629
Oh, this is my agent.
100
00:03:06,629 --> 00:03:07,755
She wants me
to give her a call.
101
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,381
Okay, well, have fun.
102
00:03:09,381 --> 00:03:10,758
Tell no one I said hi.
103
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:11,967
Cary...
104
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:13,177
[line trilling]
105
00:03:13,177 --> 00:03:14,720
- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.
106
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,972
Guess what.
Or wait, can you hear me
107
00:03:16,972 --> 00:03:18,140
over the sound of the ocean?
108
00:03:18,140 --> 00:03:19,433
I'm back in the Hamptons.
109
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,559
Again?
110
00:03:20,559 --> 00:03:22,353
Yes.
Yeah, I can hear you.
111
00:03:22,353 --> 00:03:24,271
Great, because I have
incredible news.
112
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,732
Netflix just picked up
"WindWeaver"
113
00:03:26,732 --> 00:03:28,442
for three more seasons.
114
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:29,693
Wait.
What?
115
00:03:29,693 --> 00:03:31,070
Yeah.
I mean, it makes sense.
116
00:03:31,070 --> 00:03:32,529
It's the biggest show
Netflix has
117
00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:34,239
that doesn't involve puppies
running errands.
118
00:03:34,239 --> 00:03:35,407
Oh, and get this.
119
00:03:35,407 --> 00:03:36,450
They wanna make you
120
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,868
a series regular.
121
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,537
What? [laughs]
122
00:03:40,537 --> 00:03:41,747
A series regular?
123
00:03:41,747 --> 00:03:43,082
Wait. Is this real?
124
00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:44,583
Like, how?
Why?
125
00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:45,709
Well, you know
how "WindWeaver"
126
00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:46,835
is based on those books?
127
00:03:46,835 --> 00:03:47,836
Apparently, the fifth book
128
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:49,505
is being published Friday,
129
00:03:49,505 --> 00:03:51,590
and in that book, it's revealed
that your character,
130
00:03:51,590 --> 00:03:54,051
the little serf elf
with no lines,
131
00:03:54,051 --> 00:03:56,971
is actually the one
who weaves the wind.
132
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:59,515
What?
133
00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:00,808
Holy fucking shit.
134
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,810
My-- my character
135
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,144
is the WindWeaver?
136
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,105
It's my--I'm the WindWeaver?
137
00:04:06,105 --> 00:04:08,065
It's insane.
Right?
138
00:04:08,065 --> 00:04:09,984
Apparently, the books end up
being all about
139
00:04:09,984 --> 00:04:12,194
how the least of us hold
the most power,
140
00:04:12,194 --> 00:04:15,864
so your lowly, gay elf ends up
being the WindWeaver.
141
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:18,492
Oh, did I mention
your character's gay, too?
142
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,869
- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be
143
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:22,454
on "Deadline"
in, like, an hour.
144
00:04:22,454 --> 00:04:24,707
This is, comically,
everything I ever wanted.
145
00:04:24,707 --> 00:04:28,085
I guess--I guess I should go
to my reunion.
146
00:04:28,085 --> 00:04:30,921
Shit.
Okay, it starts in six hours.
147
00:04:30,921 --> 00:04:32,256
It's an eight-hour drive.
148
00:04:32,256 --> 00:04:33,757
I'm gonna have to race.
149
00:04:33,757 --> 00:04:35,676
Mackenzie, find me
a rental car upstate, stat.
150
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,928
- That is not my job--
- Okay.
151
00:04:37,928 --> 00:04:40,097
Hi, everyone.
Hello. Hi.
152
00:04:40,097 --> 00:04:43,475
I just wanna say thank you
so much for doing this.
153
00:04:43,475 --> 00:04:46,562
As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,
154
00:04:46,562 --> 00:04:48,063
are all about doing good now,
155
00:04:48,063 --> 00:04:50,399
and more specifically,
all about mental health,
156
00:04:50,399 --> 00:04:52,234
which is why I am so proud
157
00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:55,237
to be producing this telethon
for "P!",
158
00:04:55,237 --> 00:04:58,699
which aims to raise
$250 million
159
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,368
for mental health awareness.
160
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,914
Clap for me.
[applause]
161
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:08,250
Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,
162
00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:11,670
but I need this to go well,
so if you have a prob,
163
00:05:11,670 --> 00:05:13,422
just let me
or one of my co-EPs know.
164
00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:15,007
- Hi.
- But remember,
165
00:05:15,007 --> 00:05:16,759
this was my idea, not theirs.
166
00:05:16,759 --> 00:05:18,135
- Yep.
- Hmm.
167
00:05:18,135 --> 00:05:20,888
Also, this is Effie,
our COVID officer,
168
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,431
here to make sure
that you are all
169
00:05:22,431 --> 00:05:24,016
physically safe while working.
170
00:05:24,016 --> 00:05:26,685
And this is Jules,
our mental health officer,
171
00:05:26,685 --> 00:05:27,895
who is here to make sure
172
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,438
that you are all
emotionally safe.
173
00:05:29,438 --> 00:05:32,775
Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.
174
00:05:32,775 --> 00:05:36,695
So let's go raise
some insane money.
175
00:05:36,695 --> 00:05:38,405
Oh, please, don't say insane.
176
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,490
Oh, sorry.
177
00:05:39,490 --> 00:05:41,492
Thank you, Jules.
178
00:05:41,492 --> 00:05:43,452
Welcome to "ChaseDreams
179
00:05:43,452 --> 00:05:45,162
"and BetterHealth present
180
00:05:45,162 --> 00:05:47,372
A Night of Undeniable Good,"
181
00:05:47,372 --> 00:05:49,541
an eight-hour event
raising money
182
00:05:49,541 --> 00:05:51,502
for mental health awareness,
183
00:05:51,502 --> 00:05:53,337
featuring performances
from singers
184
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:55,005
who get anxious sometimes,
185
00:05:55,005 --> 00:05:57,299
like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,
186
00:05:57,299 --> 00:05:59,676
and the cast of "Hamilton,"
still.
187
00:05:59,676 --> 00:06:02,137
Plus a teen
mental health town hall
188
00:06:02,137 --> 00:06:03,972
led by Dr. Gregory Neal,
189
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:06,809
and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor
190
00:06:06,809 --> 00:06:09,311
insert name of
Parkland survivor we can get.
191
00:06:09,311 --> 00:06:11,396
- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,
192
00:06:11,396 --> 00:06:12,731
ChaseDreams.
193
00:06:12,731 --> 00:06:14,191
Hello.
Good evening.
194
00:06:14,191 --> 00:06:15,734
Thank you for joining me.
195
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:17,277
As you know, mental health
is something
196
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,238
I've cared deeply about
for five weeks.
197
00:06:19,238 --> 00:06:20,823
Hi.
Um, sorry.
198
00:06:20,823 --> 00:06:22,658
You know the therapist
doing the town hall?
199
00:06:22,658 --> 00:06:23,992
- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,
200
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:26,120
he's been sexually harassing
the crew.
201
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,664
Wait.
What?
202
00:06:28,664 --> 00:06:31,458
Aw, Lisa, it's
so nice to be back.
203
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,168
Everything is just
as I remembered.
204
00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:35,003
And don't you just love
these jackets?
205
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,839
Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.
206
00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:38,173
I know.
I love all the buttons
207
00:06:38,173 --> 00:06:40,509
and the studs, and only $9.
208
00:06:40,509 --> 00:06:41,969
I mean, you really don't
need to spend
209
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,595
more than $9 on a jacket.
210
00:06:43,595 --> 00:06:45,305
There's no reason.
- Nope.
211
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:48,642
Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.
212
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,435
And I bet these are
even the same ducks.
213
00:06:50,435 --> 00:06:51,979
[both chuckling]
214
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,313
Do you want to feed them?
215
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,190
We could get bread
at Benny's Bread.
216
00:06:55,190 --> 00:06:57,359
It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.
217
00:06:57,359 --> 00:06:59,361
Aw, I'd love to.
You know, it's really too bad
218
00:06:59,361 --> 00:07:00,529
that Cary decided not to come.
219
00:07:00,529 --> 00:07:02,197
Okay, if I keep going 90,
220
00:07:02,197 --> 00:07:04,992
I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.
221
00:07:08,287 --> 00:07:10,664
Aw.
Aw. Oh, my God.
222
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:11,874
Oh, my God. Thank you.
223
00:07:11,874 --> 00:07:13,208
Thank you. That's so nice.
224
00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:14,668
Yeah, I was already planning
on coming,
225
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:15,878
and then the news came out.
226
00:07:15,878 --> 00:07:17,004
And the news came out.
227
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:18,463
So--Oh, my God.
Thank you.
228
00:07:18,463 --> 00:07:20,549
Aw, that's so nice.
Thank you so much.
229
00:07:20,549 --> 00:07:21,717
Yes.
Thank you.
230
00:07:21,717 --> 00:07:22,926
Thank you.
Thank you.
231
00:07:22,926 --> 00:07:24,094
Thank you so much.
232
00:07:24,094 --> 00:07:25,095
[urine streaming]
233
00:07:25,095 --> 00:07:26,388
Out you go.
234
00:07:26,388 --> 00:07:27,890
I was already
planning on coming.
235
00:07:27,890 --> 00:07:29,099
Stop.
...the news came out.
236
00:07:29,099 --> 00:07:30,392
Planning on coming anyway.
237
00:07:30,392 --> 00:07:31,560
So nice.
Thank you so much.
238
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,562
My God!
239
00:07:33,562 --> 00:07:35,355
Whoa.
I did?
240
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:37,024
I don't even remember that.
241
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,693
[car horn honking]
242
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,653
What the heck?
- Hi, um...
243
00:07:41,653 --> 00:07:45,574
You've been throwing piss
on me for, like, the last hour.
244
00:07:45,574 --> 00:07:46,950
Oh, wait.
245
00:07:46,950 --> 00:07:48,202
Are you the WindWeaver?
246
00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:49,578
Oh, yeah.
247
00:07:49,578 --> 00:07:51,163
I am, yeah. Thank you.
248
00:07:51,163 --> 00:07:53,665
And let me guess:
now you're racing home
249
00:07:53,665 --> 00:07:55,959
to win your reunion.
250
00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:57,252
How'd you know that?
251
00:07:57,252 --> 00:07:58,670
'Cause I just found out
I'm gonna be
252
00:07:58,670 --> 00:08:00,339
Kamala Harris's
new chief of staff,
253
00:08:00,339 --> 00:08:01,840
so I'm racing home to win mine.
254
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,133
- Oh.
- And here.
255
00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:04,801
I recommend a diaper
256
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:06,428
so you can make it in time,
257
00:08:06,428 --> 00:08:08,597
but still show respect
for other gays on the road
258
00:08:08,597 --> 00:08:10,224
racing home to their reunions.
259
00:08:10,224 --> 00:08:12,601
Oh, is it more than
just the two of--
260
00:08:12,601 --> 00:08:14,853
oh, yeah,
there's one in front of me.
261
00:08:14,853 --> 00:08:16,813
Uh, okay, so obviously,
262
00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:18,815
I can't have a sexual predator
on my "Night
263
00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:20,484
of Undeniable Good."
- No, of course not.
264
00:08:20,484 --> 00:08:22,277
But I also can't lose
my mental health therapist
265
00:08:22,277 --> 00:08:24,529
'cause he's here
to do the good.
266
00:08:24,529 --> 00:08:25,781
- Yeah.
- Right.
267
00:08:25,781 --> 00:08:28,158
Was he grabbing
girl or guy butts?
268
00:08:28,158 --> 00:08:30,619
'Cause if it's guys, I mean...
269
00:08:30,619 --> 00:08:34,748
No, I don't know
what you mean.
270
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,124
You know, I think Melanie
271
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,584
and Streeter and I
have got this.
272
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,044
But thanks
for letting us know, girl.
273
00:08:39,044 --> 00:08:40,504
Love you.
- Thank you so much.
274
00:08:40,504 --> 00:08:42,422
Yeah, love you.
Love you.
275
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,674
Okay.
How about we just ask
276
00:08:43,674 --> 00:08:44,925
these women not to say
anything?
277
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,302
You know, just stay silen...
278
00:08:47,302 --> 00:08:50,097
Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.
279
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,807
It's just, you know,
maybe these women
280
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:53,642
were flirting with him.
Maybe they were asking for--
281
00:08:53,642 --> 00:08:55,018
eh...
- [sighs]
282
00:08:55,018 --> 00:08:57,145
Not asking for--oh, my God.
283
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:58,897
Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,
284
00:08:58,897 --> 00:09:00,899
I'm actually saying.
It's crazy.
285
00:09:00,899 --> 00:09:02,150
Your brain really
does go there.
286
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:03,735
Please, don't say crazy.
287
00:09:03,735 --> 00:09:04,820
Jesus.
Yes.
288
00:09:04,820 --> 00:09:05,988
Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.
289
00:09:05,988 --> 00:09:07,072
I know a Bravo therapist
290
00:09:07,072 --> 00:09:08,448
who might be able to fill in.
291
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,117
But a heads-up:
most of his advice
292
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,410
to the teens in crisis will be
293
00:09:11,410 --> 00:09:12,744
to just let
Bethenny be Bethenny.
294
00:09:12,744 --> 00:09:14,079
Fine.
Whatever.
295
00:09:14,079 --> 00:09:15,664
If he's a therapist,
then call him.
296
00:09:15,664 --> 00:09:18,000
Because the good move
is to fire the predator,
297
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,210
so that is what I am doing.
298
00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:24,006
Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.
299
00:09:24,006 --> 00:09:26,341
Thank you, John Krasinski,
for that beautiful poem
300
00:09:26,341 --> 00:09:27,592
while flexing.
301
00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:29,011
When we come back, a message
302
00:09:29,011 --> 00:09:30,595
from a Parkland survivor.
303
00:09:30,595 --> 00:09:32,180
And before that,
three performances
304
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,016
from John Legend
that will make you say,
305
00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:36,977
"Huh, I think he
just doesn't like to be home."
306
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,186
Okay.
307
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:40,147
Hi, um, more bad news.
308
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,190
Apparently,
the Parkland survivor
309
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:43,650
has COVID.
310
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:46,194
Oh, my God.
311
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:47,529
Okay.
Okay.
312
00:09:47,529 --> 00:09:49,406
Okay.
313
00:09:49,406 --> 00:09:52,326
[driven march music playing]
314
00:09:52,326 --> 00:09:54,286
both: ♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
315
00:09:54,286 --> 00:09:55,912
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
316
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:58,582
♪ Our reunions
we will crush tonight ♪
317
00:09:58,582 --> 00:10:00,250
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
318
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:02,294
♪ No one will be
more successful than we ♪
319
00:10:02,294 --> 00:10:04,463
♪ Or understand
Kamala better than he ♪
320
00:10:04,463 --> 00:10:08,800
both: ♪ Because we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
321
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,719
Oh, look, a third gay.
322
00:10:10,719 --> 00:10:12,596
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
323
00:10:12,596 --> 00:10:14,389
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
324
00:10:14,389 --> 00:10:16,725
♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
325
00:10:16,725 --> 00:10:18,352
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
326
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:20,604
both: ♪ And now I am sitting
in my own pee ♪
327
00:10:20,604 --> 00:10:22,564
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
328
00:10:22,564 --> 00:10:26,276
all: ♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
329
00:10:26,276 --> 00:10:28,653
- [laughs]
- No, but really.
330
00:10:28,653 --> 00:10:31,990
♪ Think of what they'll say
when they see me ♪
331
00:10:31,990 --> 00:10:34,117
- ♪ See me ♪
- ♪ All my classmates ♪
332
00:10:34,117 --> 00:10:36,119
♪ With their sad little lives ♪
333
00:10:36,119 --> 00:10:38,580
- ♪ Sad little lives ♪
- ♪ Think of what they'll say ♪
334
00:10:38,580 --> 00:10:40,749
♪ How they'll swoon
and scream ♪
335
00:10:40,749 --> 00:10:45,087
♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
336
00:10:45,087 --> 00:10:47,130
- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.
337
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,715
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
338
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,133
Cary Dubek's here.
339
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,385
This is literally like
340
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:53,303
if Brad Pitt came
to his reunion.
341
00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:55,305
all: ♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
342
00:10:55,305 --> 00:10:56,932
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
343
00:10:56,932 --> 00:10:59,267
♪ 'Cause high school for us
was full of tears ♪
344
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,936
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
345
00:11:00,936 --> 00:11:03,313
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
346
00:11:03,313 --> 00:11:04,648
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
347
00:11:04,648 --> 00:11:05,732
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
348
00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:09,236
♪ The gays are coming ♪
349
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:13,615
all: ♪ The gays are coming ♪
350
00:11:13,615 --> 00:11:15,700
♪ Home to win the night ♪
351
00:11:20,872 --> 00:11:22,165
It makes it look, like,
super clean
352
00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:23,875
or something like that.
Oh, my God.
353
00:11:23,875 --> 00:11:26,128
This is gorgeous, Lisa.
354
00:11:26,128 --> 00:11:29,089
Yep.
Finally, have my dream kitchen.
355
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,465
Oh, I'm so jealous.
356
00:11:30,465 --> 00:11:32,259
I wish my kitchen
was bee themed.
357
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,969
And I saved money
on a designer
358
00:11:33,969 --> 00:11:36,388
by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts
359
00:11:36,388 --> 00:11:38,181
on the other side
of Jenny's Jeans,
360
00:11:38,181 --> 00:11:40,308
and just stenciling
the bees on myself.
361
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:42,269
I love that you have
bees flying around
362
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,645
on every single cupboard.
363
00:11:43,645 --> 00:11:44,938
I actually did bees flying
364
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,148
around the whole house.
365
00:11:46,148 --> 00:11:48,316
I mean, why not?
I had the stencil.
366
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:49,568
I'm gonna take a picture.
367
00:11:49,568 --> 00:11:51,445
This is so cozy.
- Thanks.
368
00:11:51,445 --> 00:11:52,487
And aw.
369
00:11:52,487 --> 00:11:53,697
I used to have that sign.
370
00:11:53,697 --> 00:11:55,031
Don't you love it?
371
00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:56,700
Meg got me that
for Mother's Day.
372
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:58,243
She and Mark know to only
ever get me something
373
00:11:58,243 --> 00:12:00,203
with a bee on it now, or else.
374
00:12:00,203 --> 00:12:01,621
And how are Meg and Mark?
375
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,123
The same.
That reminds me.
376
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,332
How's Brooke?
377
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,168
What's she up to now?
- Oh...
378
00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,628
Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?
379
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,338
You know, he's on
right after the break.
380
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:11,590
Sorry.
Protocol.
381
00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:12,674
Yes, totally.
382
00:12:12,674 --> 00:12:14,342
Safety is so key.
383
00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:15,385
Fuck.
384
00:12:15,385 --> 00:12:16,595
I can't lose my therapist
385
00:12:16,595 --> 00:12:18,346
and my Parkland teen.
386
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:19,931
Do you know how humiliating
it will be
387
00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,058
to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon
388
00:12:22,058 --> 00:12:24,269
without one Parkland kid in it?
389
00:12:24,269 --> 00:12:25,770
Ooh, I know.
390
00:12:25,770 --> 00:12:26,897
What if we chloroform her?
391
00:12:26,897 --> 00:12:28,398
Oh, my God, Streeter, no.
392
00:12:28,398 --> 00:12:29,733
We can't chloroform
the COVID lady
393
00:12:29,733 --> 00:12:31,401
on my "Night
of Undeniable Good."
394
00:12:31,401 --> 00:12:32,527
Fine.
395
00:12:32,527 --> 00:12:33,820
[whispering] This way.
This way.
396
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,155
- What?
- Hmm?
397
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,364
- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.
398
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:37,866
I saw a broom closet upstairs.
399
00:12:37,866 --> 00:12:40,368
What if we just...
lock her in it for ten?
400
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:41,786
Are you out of your mind?
401
00:12:41,786 --> 00:12:43,622
That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.
402
00:12:43,622 --> 00:12:45,248
No, it's no big deal.
403
00:12:45,248 --> 00:12:46,541
We just lead her in
404
00:12:46,541 --> 00:12:47,834
and let the door shut
behind her.
405
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:49,419
And then we say, "Oh, no.
406
00:12:49,419 --> 00:12:50,754
"We thought this was him.
407
00:12:50,754 --> 00:12:52,506
Our bad.
We'll go get help."
408
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:55,800
And then we just let her out
right after he speaks.
409
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,093
No harm, no foul.
410
00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:58,053
Sorry.
411
00:12:58,053 --> 00:12:59,095
Excuse me.
412
00:12:59,095 --> 00:13:00,347
His dressing room's up here?
413
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:01,348
I think so.
414
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:02,474
Almost there.
415
00:13:02,474 --> 00:13:03,934
You cannot lock
a full woman
416
00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:05,894
in a broom closet
on our night of good.
417
00:13:05,894 --> 00:13:07,812
We'd still be doing
net good.
418
00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:10,023
It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"
419
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:13,443
so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.
420
00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:15,195
I mean, his speech
is beautiful.
421
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,072
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
422
00:13:17,072 --> 00:13:18,615
Breakdown to the stage.
423
00:13:18,615 --> 00:13:21,243
Okay, fine.
But just ten minutes.
424
00:13:21,243 --> 00:13:23,620
Okay, hands in.
We're doing good on three.
425
00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:24,829
One, two, three.
426
00:13:24,829 --> 00:13:26,081
all: We are doing good.
427
00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:27,582
Okay.
428
00:13:27,582 --> 00:13:31,670
♪ ♪
429
00:13:31,670 --> 00:13:33,296
Let's do this.
430
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:40,470
♪ ♪
431
00:13:45,517 --> 00:13:48,979
[indistinct conversations]
432
00:13:55,193 --> 00:13:56,903
[sighs]
433
00:13:56,903 --> 00:13:57,862
I feel so stupid.
434
00:13:57,862 --> 00:13:59,114
No one here is gonna--
435
00:13:59,114 --> 00:14:00,115
Holy shit.
436
00:14:00,115 --> 00:14:01,199
Cary Dubek.
437
00:14:01,199 --> 00:14:02,617
Oh, my God.
438
00:14:02,617 --> 00:14:04,953
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
439
00:14:04,953 --> 00:14:06,997
Cary Dubek is here.
440
00:14:06,997 --> 00:14:07,956
Whoa!
441
00:14:07,956 --> 00:14:08,957
This is like if Brad Pitt
442
00:14:08,957 --> 00:14:10,292
came to his reunion.
443
00:14:10,292 --> 00:14:12,627
Wait.
This is literally the song.
444
00:14:12,627 --> 00:14:14,546
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you came.
445
00:14:14,546 --> 00:14:16,423
- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.
446
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,133
Wait a minute.
What's going on?
447
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:19,676
It kind of smells
like piss over here.
448
00:14:19,676 --> 00:14:22,387
Oh, that's for sure me.
449
00:14:22,387 --> 00:14:24,889
I'm literally
covered in piss 24/7.
450
00:14:24,889 --> 00:14:26,308
It's the joy of having
a one-year-old.
451
00:14:26,308 --> 00:14:28,143
Oh.
[laughter]
452
00:14:28,143 --> 00:14:30,395
Wow.
Cary Dubek, hi.
453
00:14:30,395 --> 00:14:32,063
Sorry. Can I get a pic?
454
00:14:32,063 --> 00:14:33,648
My wife and I love
"WindWeaver,"
455
00:14:33,648 --> 00:14:35,609
and now you're the full star?
456
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:36,735
Thank you.
457
00:14:36,735 --> 00:14:37,902
That's so nice.
458
00:14:37,902 --> 00:14:44,701
But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.
459
00:14:44,701 --> 00:14:46,453
Sorry.
What's that, Cary?
460
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,538
Uh, ow are you?
461
00:14:48,538 --> 00:14:51,166
Oh.
I think he's asking how we are.
462
00:14:51,166 --> 00:14:52,626
Yeah.
Sorry.
463
00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:54,753
Oh, no.
We see each other 24/7.
464
00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:56,296
I'm sick of hearing
about these people.
465
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,798
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
466
00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,008
So wait.
467
00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:01,926
You just want me to talk
about myself
468
00:15:01,926 --> 00:15:03,970
all night?
469
00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,680
all: Yes!
[laughter]
470
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,683
I mean, if you insist.
471
00:15:08,683 --> 00:15:11,686
[song concluding]
472
00:15:11,686 --> 00:15:12,979
Thank you, John Legend.
473
00:15:12,979 --> 00:15:14,648
Another B-plus.
474
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:17,150
And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.
475
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,611
Starting now, if you tweet
about the show
476
00:15:19,611 --> 00:15:22,030
using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,
477
00:15:22,030 --> 00:15:23,823
you will get one month
of therapy
478
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,200
courtesy of BetterHealth.
479
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,743
So tell all
your mentally ill friends
480
00:15:26,743 --> 00:15:28,745
to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this
481
00:15:28,745 --> 00:15:31,623
the most-watched telethon ever.
482
00:15:31,623 --> 00:15:33,792
Okay, we'll be right back
after the break
483
00:15:33,792 --> 00:15:36,711
with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.
484
00:15:36,711 --> 00:15:38,380
Okay.
Set's right this way.
485
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:39,756
Follow us.
486
00:15:39,756 --> 00:15:41,424
I'm trying.
You're just going really fast.
487
00:15:41,424 --> 00:15:42,717
Well, we're just
eager to get you
488
00:15:42,717 --> 00:15:43,760
out there to tell your story.
489
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:44,886
- Hello?
- Hey.
490
00:15:44,886 --> 00:15:46,054
Is COVID lady still in there?
491
00:15:46,054 --> 00:15:47,889
Mm-hmm.
Help's on the way. Sorry.
492
00:15:47,889 --> 00:15:49,766
We really thought
this was his dressing room.
493
00:15:49,766 --> 00:15:51,267
- Okay.
- I feel so weird
494
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:52,268
about this, Brooke.
495
00:15:52,268 --> 00:15:53,395
Like, that Parkland kid
496
00:15:53,395 --> 00:15:54,396
does have COVID.
- No.
497
00:15:54,396 --> 00:15:55,939
Do not get cold feet now.
498
00:15:55,939 --> 00:15:58,441
Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?
499
00:15:58,441 --> 00:15:59,901
Hi.
Sia?
500
00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:01,277
I'm such a huge fan.
501
00:16:01,277 --> 00:16:02,904
"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.
502
00:16:02,904 --> 00:16:05,240
Fuck.
He's giving Sia COVID.
503
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,491
Hey.
Hey, bud?
504
00:16:06,491 --> 00:16:07,575
Let's just keep it moving, okay?
505
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:08,952
I'm sure Sia is very busy.
506
00:16:08,952 --> 00:16:10,412
Can I maybe give you a hug?
507
00:16:10,412 --> 00:16:11,621
- No, no.
- No.
508
00:16:11,621 --> 00:16:12,789
You know what?
It's fine.
509
00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:14,249
Everyone has to be vaccinated,
510
00:16:14,249 --> 00:16:15,750
so even if she does get it,
it'll be a cold.
511
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:16,793
She's young.
- Right.
512
00:16:16,793 --> 00:16:18,086
And is this your grandma?
513
00:16:18,086 --> 00:16:19,254
I have to give you
a hug, too.
514
00:16:19,254 --> 00:16:20,255
Oh, my God.
515
00:16:20,255 --> 00:16:22,757
We killed Sia's grandma.
516
00:16:22,757 --> 00:16:24,342
Streeter, quit being psycho.
517
00:16:24,342 --> 00:16:25,760
Oh, please don't say psycho.
518
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:26,928
God, can someone
519
00:16:26,928 --> 00:16:28,430
please put a bell on them?
520
00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:29,931
Shit.
He's on in 10 seconds.
521
00:16:29,931 --> 00:16:31,307
Uh... uh...
522
00:16:31,307 --> 00:16:32,934
[inhales deeply]
523
00:16:32,934 --> 00:16:34,269
Grandma, stay
away from the boy.
524
00:16:34,269 --> 00:16:35,437
Step back, Grandma.
525
00:16:35,437 --> 00:16:36,938
- What? What?
- Up we go.
526
00:16:36,938 --> 00:16:38,398
No, no. Don't worry.
527
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,983
We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.
528
00:16:39,983 --> 00:16:41,025
- This is good.
- Okay.
529
00:16:41,025 --> 00:16:42,402
Good coming through.
530
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:43,653
- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!
531
00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:45,155
And now, a moving message
532
00:16:45,155 --> 00:16:47,907
from Parkland survivor
Cameron Kasky.
533
00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:51,077
Thank you, Chase.
534
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:53,163
As many of you may know...
[coughs]
535
00:16:53,163 --> 00:16:54,664
- [sighs]
- Hi.
536
00:16:54,664 --> 00:16:57,709
We have a problem
with Ben Platt.
537
00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:59,669
What the fuck?
538
00:16:59,669 --> 00:17:00,795
[laughter]
- God.
539
00:17:00,795 --> 00:17:02,547
You are just so famous now.
540
00:17:02,547 --> 00:17:04,382
And it makes sense.
I remember in high school,
541
00:17:04,382 --> 00:17:07,177
you won "Most likely to win
an Academy Award."
542
00:17:07,177 --> 00:17:08,303
I did?
543
00:17:08,303 --> 00:17:09,637
I don't even remember that.
544
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,556
God, I don't know what I won.
545
00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:13,933
Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,
546
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,268
'cause now I'm a dentist,
547
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,644
which is nothing
compared to Cary.
548
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:19,689
Oh, being a dentist
isn't nothing.
549
00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:21,983
Yes, it is.
It's truly nothing.
550
00:17:21,983 --> 00:17:23,777
[laughter]
551
00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:26,946
Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.
552
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:28,448
Oh, that's sweet.
553
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,658
Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.
554
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,202
I do marketing
for a local theater now,
555
00:17:32,202 --> 00:17:34,329
which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,
556
00:17:34,329 --> 00:17:35,747
but it's still creative.
557
00:17:35,747 --> 00:17:38,291
God, this must sound
so small time to you.
558
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:41,002
No.
Please, you are not small time.
559
00:17:41,002 --> 00:17:42,796
Yes, she is.
She is small, I am big.
560
00:17:42,796 --> 00:17:45,173
And, hey.
I'm so happy you're out now.
561
00:17:45,173 --> 00:17:48,009
I had no idea
you were closeted in school.
562
00:17:48,009 --> 00:17:49,177
It must have been so hard.
563
00:17:49,177 --> 00:17:51,930
No, no.
And now, I'm winning.
564
00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:53,807
So let's go back
to how I'm winning.
565
00:17:57,435 --> 00:17:58,520
- Hi.
- Hey.
566
00:17:58,520 --> 00:17:59,521
Wow.
567
00:17:59,521 --> 00:18:00,688
Hey, Owen?
568
00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:02,190
So cool you're here.
569
00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:03,358
Great to see you.
570
00:18:03,358 --> 00:18:04,859
Yeah.
I wasn't gonna come,
571
00:18:04,859 --> 00:18:07,695
but I just got
some insane news.
572
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,697
- What?
- I'm gonna be...
573
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,866
an understudy on Broadway.
574
00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:14,202
Wow.
That's so cool.
575
00:18:14,202 --> 00:18:15,745
You should talk
to Cary Dubek
576
00:18:15,745 --> 00:18:17,205
since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.
577
00:18:17,205 --> 00:18:18,873
Hey, yo, Dubes.
578
00:18:18,873 --> 00:18:21,042
Wait.
You came? Fuck!
579
00:18:21,042 --> 00:18:22,877
I can't be the second
most successful gay
580
00:18:22,877 --> 00:18:25,880
at this reunion.
That's fucking nothing.
581
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,424
No.
Gosh.
582
00:18:28,424 --> 00:18:30,885
[laughs]
We're having a great time.
583
00:18:30,885 --> 00:18:32,053
Jesus.
584
00:18:32,053 --> 00:18:33,972
This is the best night
of my life.
585
00:18:33,972 --> 00:18:36,724
I may need to sing again.
586
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,268
Shit.
But we already announced
587
00:18:38,268 --> 00:18:41,604
their company's $100-million
donation on air.
588
00:18:41,604 --> 00:18:43,356
But that was before
the company CEO found out
589
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,066
there was a gay person
on the show.
590
00:18:45,066 --> 00:18:47,110
And he's crazy conservative,
and he says
591
00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:49,362
that if we let
Ben Platt perform,
592
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,072
he'll take their money back.
593
00:18:51,072 --> 00:18:52,699
I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.
594
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,450
Where are you going?
- Fuck.
595
00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:55,785
Doing good is impossible.
596
00:18:55,785 --> 00:18:57,954
No wonder I didn't do it
for 35 years.
597
00:18:57,954 --> 00:18:59,289
Okay, so what do we do?
598
00:18:59,289 --> 00:19:01,207
Let me just try
and go talk to him.
599
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:02,375
Right.
600
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,544
I mean, listen,
I hate gays too.
601
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,129
Penises in butts?
602
00:19:06,129 --> 00:19:08,214
How and why, sir?
603
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:09,799
They're the ones who
are mentally ill.
604
00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:11,217
Am I right?
605
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,720
It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,
606
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:18,558
so let's just... let him
do his little song.
607
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,769
Sorry.
But I won't budge on this.
608
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,271
I mean, can you believe it?
609
00:19:23,271 --> 00:19:25,648
He will take his money
back if you perform.
610
00:19:25,648 --> 00:19:27,609
Jesus.
That is so shitty.
611
00:19:27,609 --> 00:19:28,526
I know.
612
00:19:28,526 --> 00:19:32,780
So obviously, you--
613
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:34,782
Are going out there,
more determined than ever
614
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:36,117
to not be silenced.
615
00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:40,288
Yas, queen.
616
00:19:40,288 --> 00:19:42,665
Fucking gay people. Fuck.
617
00:19:42,665 --> 00:19:44,959
Okay, I know.
What if we chloroform him?
618
00:19:44,959 --> 00:19:47,128
No.
Let's just game this out.
619
00:19:47,128 --> 00:19:48,963
- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,
620
00:19:48,963 --> 00:19:50,340
'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.
621
00:19:50,340 --> 00:19:51,883
Plus, mental health
does affect
622
00:19:51,883 --> 00:19:53,384
the LGBTQ community,
623
00:19:53,384 --> 00:19:55,428
so it is good to have
a gay person on this.
624
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,221
Representation
is worth so much.
625
00:19:57,221 --> 00:19:58,932
But is it worth $100 million?
626
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:01,768
- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10...
627
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,519
- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.
628
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:05,647
I had an idea.
What if we do a thing
629
00:20:05,647 --> 00:20:07,398
where, every time
someone buys my last album,
630
00:20:07,398 --> 00:20:08,816
they get a month
of free therapy?
631
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,860
What? Absolutely not.
That's gross.
632
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:13,196
But we just said if people
tweet about this show,
633
00:20:13,196 --> 00:20:14,697
they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?
634
00:20:14,697 --> 00:20:16,491
Well, Bud,
you'd be doing it
635
00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:18,576
to help album sales,
which is bad.
636
00:20:18,576 --> 00:20:21,037
But I'm doing it
to help promote this show
637
00:20:21,037 --> 00:20:23,998
that helps the whole world,
which is good.
638
00:20:23,998 --> 00:20:25,249
So...
639
00:20:25,249 --> 00:20:26,292
No, yeah.
640
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:27,502
Yeah, right.
641
00:20:27,502 --> 00:20:29,671
Sorry for asking.
642
00:20:29,671 --> 00:20:30,713
Okay.
643
00:20:30,713 --> 00:20:32,256
I know what we're gonna do.
644
00:20:32,256 --> 00:20:33,549
We're gonna accidentally lock
Ben Platt
645
00:20:33,549 --> 00:20:35,051
in the broom closet, too.
646
00:20:35,051 --> 00:20:36,511
Okay.
647
00:20:36,511 --> 00:20:38,262
Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,
648
00:20:38,262 --> 00:20:40,598
but now I have a lawyer
and a manager.
649
00:20:40,598 --> 00:20:42,600
That is so crazy.
650
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,352
I have none of that.
651
00:20:44,352 --> 00:20:45,645
♪ It's happening ♪
652
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,146
♪ Look how they fawn ♪
653
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:49,440
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
654
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,693
- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,
655
00:20:51,693 --> 00:20:54,487
but luckily, they
have to fly me first.
656
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,863
Lucky.
657
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,365
We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,
658
00:20:57,365 --> 00:20:59,200
and we were in
the very last row of coach.
659
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,326
Aw.
660
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:01,995
♪ It's happening ♪
661
00:21:01,995 --> 00:21:03,413
♪ I am their god ♪
662
00:21:03,413 --> 00:21:05,456
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
663
00:21:05,456 --> 00:21:08,126
Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?
664
00:21:08,126 --> 00:21:09,961
He's a huge fan.
665
00:21:09,961 --> 00:21:11,713
My brother-in-law's
also a fan.
666
00:21:11,713 --> 00:21:13,381
Girls, girls,
there is plenty of me
667
00:21:13,381 --> 00:21:16,134
for every brother-in-law.
[laughter]
668
00:21:16,134 --> 00:21:18,177
♪ Their lives were empty
before I came ♪
669
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:21,472
♪ 'Cause they're just people,
but I have fame ♪
670
00:21:21,472 --> 00:21:23,558
all: Aw.
- Already?
671
00:21:23,558 --> 00:21:25,226
But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.
672
00:21:25,226 --> 00:21:26,728
And what time is
soccer tomorrow?
673
00:21:26,728 --> 00:21:28,229
- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.
674
00:21:28,229 --> 00:21:30,231
♪ They'll never forget
this epic night ♪
675
00:21:30,231 --> 00:21:31,733
It was so great seeing you.
676
00:21:31,733 --> 00:21:34,569
♪ I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪
677
00:21:34,569 --> 00:21:36,320
I think
we can all safely say,
678
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,072
you won this reunion, bro.
679
00:21:38,072 --> 00:21:39,907
♪ Tonight was just
how I hoped it'd be ♪
680
00:21:39,907 --> 00:21:42,076
♪ Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪
681
00:21:42,076 --> 00:21:50,626
♪ The gay has come home ♪
682
00:21:50,626 --> 00:21:57,759
♪ And won the night ♪
683
00:21:58,760 --> 00:21:59,844
Ha!
684
00:22:03,681 --> 00:22:05,516
[engine turns over]
685
00:22:33,294 --> 00:22:35,713
Let's see.
686
00:22:38,508 --> 00:22:40,468
That's why we call it
wine o'clock Zumba.
687
00:22:40,468 --> 00:22:43,304
- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!
688
00:22:43,304 --> 00:22:45,932
I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.
689
00:22:45,932 --> 00:22:49,519
That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.
690
00:22:49,519 --> 00:22:52,396
Anyway, you have
to come back next summer, too,
691
00:22:52,396 --> 00:22:53,981
so you can pontoon.
692
00:22:53,981 --> 00:22:57,151
Oh, 100%.
I will be on that pontoon.
693
00:22:57,151 --> 00:22:59,153
We thought it was gonna be
a hassle having one.
694
00:22:59,153 --> 00:23:00,822
You know, taking it
out in the winter.
695
00:23:00,822 --> 00:23:03,533
But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.
696
00:23:03,533 --> 00:23:05,326
- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,
697
00:23:05,326 --> 00:23:08,955
do not let Robin pull you
on that tube.
698
00:23:08,955 --> 00:23:12,333
She nearly broke my neck
she went so fast.
699
00:23:12,333 --> 00:23:14,419
You just had
one too many Kim Crawfords.
700
00:23:14,419 --> 00:23:16,045
Uh, it was the weekend.
701
00:23:16,045 --> 00:23:18,881
There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.
702
00:23:18,881 --> 00:23:21,008
I'm on her side.
703
00:23:21,008 --> 00:23:23,678
And speaking of,
I just wanna say,
704
00:23:23,678 --> 00:23:25,763
thank you so much
for having me back.
705
00:23:25,763 --> 00:23:28,057
This has truly been
the perfect day.
706
00:23:28,057 --> 00:23:29,684
Melanie,
let the COVID lady out.
707
00:23:29,684 --> 00:23:31,185
We need the closet
for Ben Platt.
708
00:23:31,185 --> 00:23:32,520
Wait.
What?
709
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:33,896
Okay.
710
00:23:33,896 --> 00:23:36,190
Hi, ma'am.
I am so sorry about the mix-up.
711
00:23:36,190 --> 00:23:38,442
We--wait.
Where did she go?
712
00:23:38,442 --> 00:23:40,361
[gasps] Oh, my God.
713
00:23:40,361 --> 00:23:42,029
I think she escaped
through the vents.
714
00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:44,365
What?
There's a lady in the vents
715
00:23:44,365 --> 00:23:46,200
on my "Night
of Undeniable Good"?
716
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,119
It absolutely appears so.
717
00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:49,287
Ugh!
718
00:23:49,287 --> 00:23:50,746
So if we can't throw
Ben in a closet,
719
00:23:50,746 --> 00:23:52,039
how else are we
gonna distract him
720
00:23:52,039 --> 00:23:53,541
so he misses his performance?
721
00:23:53,541 --> 00:23:55,459
Well, I know you're
gonna be mad, but--
722
00:23:55,459 --> 00:23:56,878
Streeter, no chloroform.
723
00:23:56,878 --> 00:23:58,045
Now think.
724
00:23:58,045 --> 00:24:00,256
How else can we distract
a gay man?
725
00:24:00,256 --> 00:24:01,215
Oh, my God.
726
00:24:01,215 --> 00:24:03,759
Brooke, I'm a daddy.
727
00:24:03,759 --> 00:24:06,220
[humming]
728
00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:07,805
[pounding on door]
729
00:24:07,805 --> 00:24:09,265
Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?
730
00:24:09,265 --> 00:24:10,892
What do you say
we blow off this fundraiser
731
00:24:10,892 --> 00:24:13,394
and I go...
732
00:24:13,394 --> 00:24:16,397
step on your bones,
or break your neck?
733
00:24:16,397 --> 00:24:17,732
Or is it legs?
734
00:24:17,732 --> 00:24:19,108
I'm going to--
I'm going to--
735
00:24:19,108 --> 00:24:21,694
I will break
any bone in your body
736
00:24:21,694 --> 00:24:23,404
that you want me to break.
737
00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:27,283
Well, Ben Platt filed
a sexual harassment complaint
738
00:24:27,283 --> 00:24:29,911
against you, so I guess
I have to fire you now, too?
739
00:24:29,911 --> 00:24:31,746
Okay, but this is great.
740
00:24:31,746 --> 00:24:34,248
This means he isn't gay,
or he would have loved that.
741
00:24:34,248 --> 00:24:36,375
- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!
742
00:24:36,375 --> 00:24:39,253
Sorry, but Ben's on
in 15 minutes.
743
00:24:39,253 --> 00:24:40,546
Fuck.
744
00:24:40,546 --> 00:24:42,757
I can't lose $100 million.
745
00:24:42,757 --> 00:24:44,175
I know.
746
00:24:47,345 --> 00:24:50,431
Maybe Streeter was right?
747
00:24:50,431 --> 00:24:54,518
Maybe we do chloroform him?
748
00:24:56,854 --> 00:25:00,691
I actually saw some
in the broom closet.
749
00:25:12,787 --> 00:25:14,664
Refinance today,
and your new loan
750
00:25:14,664 --> 00:25:16,624
could save you
hundreds of dollars.
751
00:25:16,624 --> 00:25:18,709
And get one of our certified
pre-owns at Akron Auto World,
752
00:25:18,709 --> 00:25:20,753
home of the most enormous
American flag you've
753
00:25:20,753 --> 00:25:22,463
ever seen in your goddamn--
754
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,177
[sighs] Where is the turnoff?
755
00:26:11,679 --> 00:26:14,223
What the fuck?
Did I just miss the turnoff?
756
00:26:14,223 --> 00:26:16,767
And why does it smell
like full piss in here?
757
00:26:18,311 --> 00:26:19,854
- Okay, but like...
- Uh-huh.
758
00:26:19,854 --> 00:26:21,689
It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,
759
00:26:21,689 --> 00:26:23,566
because this money can help
a lot of people.
760
00:26:23,566 --> 00:26:26,152
And he said he was tired
when he got here,
761
00:26:26,152 --> 00:26:28,404
so he'll just think
he slept through his song.
762
00:26:28,404 --> 00:26:30,281
Plus, I already have
the "Hamilton" cast
763
00:26:30,281 --> 00:26:31,782
ready to go on instead.
764
00:26:31,782 --> 00:26:32,950
They're gonna sing
"The Room Where It Happens,"
765
00:26:32,950 --> 00:26:34,076
but in this version,
766
00:26:34,076 --> 00:26:35,703
the room
is a therapist's office.
767
00:26:35,703 --> 00:26:36,746
Ew.
768
00:26:36,746 --> 00:26:37,830
Maybe it's worth $100 million
769
00:26:37,830 --> 00:26:39,081
to not hear that.
770
00:26:39,081 --> 00:26:41,000
Also, like, what
if we kill Ben Platt?
771
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,419
Oh, my God.
We're not gonna kill Ben Platt.
772
00:26:43,419 --> 00:26:44,920
Just focus.
773
00:26:45,921 --> 00:26:47,673
We are doing this for good.
774
00:26:49,050 --> 00:26:51,427
But if you ever say
anything about the good
775
00:26:51,427 --> 00:26:54,764
that we did here,
I will end you.
776
00:26:54,764 --> 00:26:56,474
Okay, fine.
777
00:26:56,474 --> 00:26:57,725
Let's do this.
778
00:27:01,771 --> 00:27:03,481
both: Hi.
779
00:27:03,481 --> 00:27:04,899
Hey.
What's up?
780
00:27:04,899 --> 00:27:06,233
Do you think that--
781
00:27:06,233 --> 00:27:08,736
Just stay there, because...
782
00:27:08,736 --> 00:27:10,321
We just wanna...
783
00:27:10,321 --> 00:27:11,697
[creaking]
784
00:27:11,697 --> 00:27:12,948
[yelps]
785
00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:14,367
- Oh, my--
- Oh, my God!
786
00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:16,827
Jesus Christ.
Are you okay?
787
00:27:16,827 --> 00:27:18,162
- Oh.
- Hey, girl,
788
00:27:18,162 --> 00:27:20,664
aw, we just sent
the maintenance man up.
789
00:27:20,664 --> 00:27:21,957
Who the fuck is this?
790
00:27:21,957 --> 00:27:24,251
Oh, are you Ben Platt?
791
00:27:24,251 --> 00:27:26,420
Yes.
792
00:27:26,420 --> 00:27:28,798
Well, you have COVID
and need to leave immediately.
793
00:27:28,798 --> 00:27:30,591
- I--what?
- Wait, what?
794
00:27:30,591 --> 00:27:32,802
- Yeah.
- Yes!
795
00:27:32,802 --> 00:27:34,512
I mean, no.
796
00:27:34,512 --> 00:27:35,513
He does?
797
00:27:35,513 --> 00:27:36,931
Oh, so he can't perform?
798
00:27:36,931 --> 00:27:38,599
He can't perform,
and it's his fault.
799
00:27:38,599 --> 00:27:40,226
Fuck.
This sucks.
800
00:27:40,226 --> 00:27:42,144
I feel like I'm letting
the whole gay community down.
801
00:27:42,144 --> 00:27:43,562
You are.
802
00:27:43,562 --> 00:27:45,773
You are letting them down.
803
00:27:45,773 --> 00:27:49,318
Melanie, girl,
we fucking did it.
804
00:27:49,318 --> 00:27:50,444
Fuck! [laughs]
805
00:27:50,444 --> 00:27:51,737
Okay.
806
00:27:55,699 --> 00:27:57,201
Hi, can I use
your bathroom, please?
807
00:27:57,201 --> 00:27:58,661
- It's out of order.
- That's okay.
808
00:27:58,661 --> 00:28:00,788
I just need the bathroom room.
809
00:28:02,248 --> 00:28:04,875
Why do you need
the bathroom room?
810
00:28:04,875 --> 00:28:06,293
'Cause I'm wearing
a fucking diaper,
811
00:28:06,293 --> 00:28:07,711
and I need to take it off.
812
00:28:07,711 --> 00:28:09,171
Yep. I've been sitting
in my own piss
813
00:28:09,171 --> 00:28:11,132
for the last six hours,
so may I please
814
00:28:11,132 --> 00:28:12,633
just use your bathroom room
815
00:28:12,633 --> 00:28:14,927
so I can take off my diaper,
kind sir?
816
00:28:16,971 --> 00:28:18,472
Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.
817
00:28:18,472 --> 00:28:19,807
It's actually one
of the best nights
818
00:28:19,807 --> 00:28:20,975
of my entire life.
819
00:28:44,373 --> 00:28:45,666
Ugh.
820
00:28:47,209 --> 00:28:48,461
God.
821
00:28:59,597 --> 00:29:04,018
[phone vibrates]
822
00:29:11,901 --> 00:29:14,278
What?
Is there no service in here?
823
00:29:20,784 --> 00:29:22,411
Fuck.
824
00:29:29,126 --> 00:29:33,297
Come on.
825
00:29:33,297 --> 00:29:34,548
Fuck.
826
00:29:36,509 --> 00:29:38,636
What the fucking fuck?
827
00:29:40,304 --> 00:29:42,723
Well, this night
sucked my ass.
828
00:29:42,723 --> 00:29:45,601
Yeah.
That was 100% cuckoo bananas.
829
00:29:45,601 --> 00:29:48,145
Oh, yeah, please don't say
"cuckoo bananas."
830
00:29:48,145 --> 00:29:49,396
Just kidding.
Have a great night.
831
00:29:49,396 --> 00:29:50,564
Okay.
[tires squealing]
832
00:29:50,564 --> 00:29:52,066
Oh! Watch where you're going,
833
00:29:52,066 --> 00:29:53,234
you fucking psycho.
834
00:29:53,234 --> 00:29:54,652
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,
835
00:29:54,652 --> 00:29:55,945
this might cheer you up.
836
00:29:55,945 --> 00:29:57,404
Chase's album is
number one on iTunes.
837
00:29:57,404 --> 00:29:58,572
Wait.
What?
838
00:29:58,572 --> 00:30:00,032
What do you mean?
- Yeah.
839
00:30:00,032 --> 00:30:01,575
He tweeted he'd give
a free month of therapy
840
00:30:01,575 --> 00:30:03,077
to anyone who bought
his last album,
841
00:30:03,077 --> 00:30:04,537
and this whole country
is sick,
842
00:30:04,537 --> 00:30:06,413
so it went straight
to number one.
843
00:30:06,413 --> 00:30:07,998
Kind of smart.
Well--
844
00:30:07,998 --> 00:30:09,416
Wait.
No.
845
00:30:09,416 --> 00:30:11,585
I specifically told him
not to do that,
846
00:30:11,585 --> 00:30:14,380
and he just did anyway?
Fuck.
847
00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:17,049
The whole reason
we pivoted him to mental health
848
00:30:17,049 --> 00:30:19,593
was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.
849
00:30:19,593 --> 00:30:21,762
But then he does
this shit thing?
850
00:30:21,762 --> 00:30:23,013
Ugh!
851
00:30:23,013 --> 00:30:26,684
Why is it so hard to do good?
852
00:30:26,684 --> 00:30:28,644
Okay, if you do think that,
853
00:30:28,644 --> 00:30:32,106
I wouldn't look behind you
right now.
854
00:30:32,106 --> 00:30:35,150
[discordant music]
855
00:30:35,150 --> 00:30:38,654
♪ ♪
856
00:30:39,655 --> 00:30:43,242
What in the actual fuck?
857
00:30:48,664 --> 00:30:49,707
Hi.
858
00:30:49,707 --> 00:30:50,958
Can I use
your bathroom, please?
859
00:30:50,958 --> 00:30:52,501
Another one?
860
00:30:52,501 --> 00:30:54,461
Right.
Totally forgot.
861
00:30:54,461 --> 00:30:56,005
It's reunion season.
862
00:30:56,005 --> 00:30:59,133
There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but--
863
00:30:59,133 --> 00:31:00,801
we should probably
check on him.
864
00:31:01,677 --> 00:31:02,636
How are you doing?
865
00:31:02,636 --> 00:31:05,347
My own piss in my eyes.
866
00:31:05,347 --> 00:31:06,932
Oh, god.
867
00:31:08,684 --> 00:31:10,769
I can--
868
00:31:10,769 --> 00:31:12,229
I can take it from here.
869
00:31:15,024 --> 00:31:17,776
I don't know.
I don't--I'm lost.
870
00:31:17,776 --> 00:31:21,113
I'm, like, fucking lost.
871
00:31:21,113 --> 00:31:23,282
Yeah, no.
I'm lost too.
872
00:31:23,282 --> 00:31:26,118
No.
I think I'm, like, lost lost.
873
00:31:26,118 --> 00:31:27,911
Like, I just had
this great night,
874
00:31:27,911 --> 00:31:33,500
and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy--
875
00:31:33,500 --> 00:31:35,419
or, like, not happy,
876
00:31:35,419 --> 00:31:37,046
and I don't know why.
877
00:31:37,046 --> 00:31:38,339
Like, I am the star
878
00:31:38,339 --> 00:31:39,590
of the number-one show
on Netflix
879
00:31:39,590 --> 00:31:41,133
without puppies shopping.
880
00:31:41,133 --> 00:31:44,845
So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?
881
00:31:44,845 --> 00:31:47,348
I feel lost lost, too,
882
00:31:47,348 --> 00:31:50,225
which is insane, 'cause I have
Kamala's phone number.
883
00:31:50,225 --> 00:31:53,604
Like, if I called her now,
she'd answer.
884
00:31:53,604 --> 00:31:56,357
It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.
885
00:31:56,357 --> 00:31:58,108
So what am I missing?
886
00:31:58,108 --> 00:32:00,319
Like what else
am I looking for?
887
00:32:00,319 --> 00:32:01,945
[phone rings]
888
00:32:03,614 --> 00:32:08,535
Oh, one of my classmates is
videoing me on Instagram.
889
00:32:08,535 --> 00:32:10,412
[phone ringing]
- So weird.
890
00:32:10,412 --> 00:32:14,041
One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.
891
00:32:14,041 --> 00:32:15,292
Hello?
- Hello.
892
00:32:15,292 --> 00:32:16,543
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
893
00:32:16,543 --> 00:32:17,628
He picked up.
Shut up.
894
00:32:17,628 --> 00:32:18,629
Hi. It's Alicia.
895
00:32:18,629 --> 00:32:19,963
Sorry.
896
00:32:19,963 --> 00:32:21,382
I don't mean to be
a full stalker--
897
00:32:21,382 --> 00:32:22,466
Yes, we do.
898
00:32:22,466 --> 00:32:23,467
We were just talking
899
00:32:23,467 --> 00:32:25,010
about how you won
900
00:32:25,010 --> 00:32:26,553
"most likely to win
an Academy Award."
901
00:32:26,553 --> 00:32:27,721
So we got out
Jesse's yearbook,
902
00:32:27,721 --> 00:32:29,264
and guess what I won.
903
00:32:29,264 --> 00:32:30,724
- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win
904
00:32:30,724 --> 00:32:32,726
an Academy Award
for Best Actress."
905
00:32:32,726 --> 00:32:34,269
[laughter]
906
00:32:34,269 --> 00:32:36,397
So you should feel
really good about yourself
907
00:32:36,397 --> 00:32:38,440
because I'm
a literal dog walker now.
908
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:40,609
- [laughs] Thank you.
- Wait.
909
00:32:40,609 --> 00:32:41,860
Cary, what are you doing now?
910
00:32:41,860 --> 00:32:42,903
Want to come hang?
911
00:32:42,903 --> 00:32:44,405
I mean, I'm sure, no,
912
00:32:44,405 --> 00:32:46,031
'cause you're fully famous
913
00:32:46,031 --> 00:32:47,408
and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."
914
00:32:47,408 --> 00:32:48,742
Oh, I thought
only gay people
915
00:32:48,742 --> 00:32:50,119
watched "Survivor" now.
- What?
916
00:32:50,119 --> 00:32:51,620
I think everyone does.
917
00:32:51,620 --> 00:32:53,622
Anyway, it's just
a cazh friend hang,
918
00:32:53,622 --> 00:32:55,708
if you want to come.
- Yes, come!
919
00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:57,376
- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.
920
00:32:57,376 --> 00:32:59,336
You gotta come.
It's a friend hang.
921
00:32:59,336 --> 00:33:00,587
Okay, no,
let's let him go.
922
00:33:00,587 --> 00:33:01,630
But come if you want.
923
00:33:01,630 --> 00:33:03,298
I'll DM you the address.
924
00:33:03,298 --> 00:33:05,217
Okay.
Great. Great.
925
00:33:05,217 --> 00:33:06,927
I appreciate it.
926
00:33:09,847 --> 00:33:13,642
God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.
927
00:33:14,727 --> 00:33:16,895
It's so clear what I need.
928
00:33:18,355 --> 00:33:22,609
Hey, would you want
to get a drink as frien--
929
00:33:22,609 --> 00:33:23,944
wait, what?
930
00:33:23,944 --> 00:33:25,362
Mackenzie,
931
00:33:25,362 --> 00:33:27,448
I need to win the Academy Award
932
00:33:27,448 --> 00:33:29,825
for Best Actor
in a Motion Picture.
933
00:33:29,825 --> 00:33:32,035
[engine revving]
934
00:33:35,497 --> 00:33:36,623
Good night, Pat.
935
00:33:36,623 --> 00:33:38,250
Good night, Lisa.
936
00:33:43,839 --> 00:33:47,342
[line trilling]
937
00:33:52,139 --> 00:33:54,892
Wazzup?
938
00:33:54,892 --> 00:33:56,310
I'm not here.
Leave a message
939
00:33:56,310 --> 00:34:00,606
after the beep.
[voice mail beeps]
940
00:34:00,606 --> 00:34:03,901
Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
941
00:34:03,901 --> 00:34:06,987
And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.
942
00:34:06,987 --> 00:34:08,947
My friend picked me up
from the airport,
943
00:34:08,947 --> 00:34:10,741
and we went shopping
944
00:34:10,741 --> 00:34:14,870
and then got ice cream
and fed the ducks in the park,
945
00:34:14,870 --> 00:34:16,872
then went back to her house
and ordered dinner
946
00:34:16,872 --> 00:34:19,500
with some other friends.
947
00:34:19,500 --> 00:34:21,752
And the whole time,
the whole day,
948
00:34:21,752 --> 00:34:24,129
I just kept thinking,
949
00:34:24,129 --> 00:34:26,882
"I am so fucking bored."
950
00:34:26,882 --> 00:34:28,967
[melancholy music]
951
00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:33,222
I just--I was so excited
to come back, but I--
952
00:34:33,222 --> 00:34:36,725
I hated every minute of it.
953
00:34:36,725 --> 00:34:39,186
Everything we did,
I thought, "How much longer
954
00:34:39,186 --> 00:34:40,562
do I have to do this for?"
955
00:34:40,562 --> 00:34:42,272
All afternoon, if you want.
956
00:34:42,272 --> 00:34:45,526
We walked through town,
and I found it small.
957
00:34:45,526 --> 00:34:46,902
We bought clothes
I used to wear,
958
00:34:46,902 --> 00:34:48,862
and I felt foolish in them.
959
00:34:48,862 --> 00:34:51,073
- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate
960
00:34:51,073 --> 00:34:52,533
was so awful.
961
00:34:52,533 --> 00:34:53,867
I was embarrassed
to be putting
962
00:34:53,867 --> 00:34:56,286
food like that in my mouth.
963
00:34:56,286 --> 00:34:59,498
And the houses were so ugly.
964
00:34:59,498 --> 00:35:00,958
These people should be in jail
965
00:35:00,958 --> 00:35:02,376
for what their houses
look like.
966
00:35:02,376 --> 00:35:03,919
I wish my kitchen
was bee-themed.
967
00:35:03,919 --> 00:35:05,379
I just-- I kept thinking,
968
00:35:05,379 --> 00:35:06,964
"Thank God I don't think
this shit
969
00:35:06,964 --> 00:35:09,925
looks good still."
I wanna take a picture.
970
00:35:09,925 --> 00:35:11,426
Eventually,
the day was so long,
971
00:35:11,426 --> 00:35:13,136
I started to get
physically mad
972
00:35:13,136 --> 00:35:14,388
it was still happening
973
00:35:14,388 --> 00:35:15,806
because the conversations
974
00:35:15,806 --> 00:35:17,224
were so mind-numbing.
975
00:35:17,224 --> 00:35:18,600
And the marina does it all.
976
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:20,310
And the jokes weren't funny.
977
00:35:20,310 --> 00:35:22,437
One too many Kim Cs.
978
00:35:22,437 --> 00:35:24,731
I just--
I was with my friends,
979
00:35:24,731 --> 00:35:26,150
but I wasn't.
980
00:35:26,150 --> 00:35:29,194
I was outside them
981
00:35:29,194 --> 00:35:31,488
because they were the same,
982
00:35:31,488 --> 00:35:34,074
and I was different.
983
00:35:34,074 --> 00:35:35,701
I am different.
984
00:35:35,701 --> 00:35:37,077
And I just--
985
00:35:37,077 --> 00:35:39,913
I don't think
I can come here again--
986
00:35:39,913 --> 00:35:41,957
not ever again.
987
00:35:44,001 --> 00:35:46,587
Anyway, this is
a lot of texts,
988
00:35:46,587 --> 00:35:48,255
and I know we're not
together anymore,
989
00:35:48,255 --> 00:35:50,465
but I just wanted to say hi
990
00:35:50,465 --> 00:35:54,428
and that I miss you...
and your dick.
991
00:35:54,428 --> 00:35:57,764
God, I miss
your big, fat dick.
992
00:36:00,684 --> 00:36:03,312
Oh, my God.
Those were all tweets again.
993
00:36:03,312 --> 00:36:04,438
Delete, delete, delete.
994
00:36:04,438 --> 00:36:06,148
[dramatic march music]
995
00:36:06,148 --> 00:36:08,108
both: ♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
996
00:36:08,108 --> 00:36:09,943
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
997
00:36:09,943 --> 00:36:12,154
♪ Our reunions
we will crush tonight ♪
998
00:36:12,154 --> 00:36:14,031
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
999
00:36:14,031 --> 00:36:16,366
♪ No one will be
more successful than we ♪
1000
00:36:16,366 --> 00:36:18,368
♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪
1001
00:36:18,368 --> 00:36:22,998
both: ♪ 'Cause we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
1002
00:36:22,998 --> 00:36:24,541
Oh, look, a third gay.
1003
00:36:24,541 --> 00:36:26,668
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
1004
00:36:26,668 --> 00:36:28,211
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
1005
00:36:28,211 --> 00:36:30,464
♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
1006
00:36:30,464 --> 00:36:32,341
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
1007
00:36:32,341 --> 00:36:34,635
both: ♪ And now I am sitting
my own pee ♪
1008
00:36:34,635 --> 00:36:36,637
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
1009
00:36:36,637 --> 00:36:41,099
all: ♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
1010
00:36:41,099 --> 00:36:42,893
No, but really.
1011
00:36:42,893 --> 00:36:45,771
♪ Think of what they'll say
when they see me ♪
1012
00:36:45,771 --> 00:36:47,606
♪ See me ♪
1013
00:36:47,606 --> 00:36:50,984
♪ All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪
1014
00:36:50,984 --> 00:36:55,030
♪ Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪
1015
00:36:55,030 --> 00:36:58,825
♪ When the WindWeaver
arrives ♪
1016
00:36:58,825 --> 00:37:01,119
all: ♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
1017
00:37:01,119 --> 00:37:02,871
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
1018
00:37:02,871 --> 00:37:05,165
♪ 'Cause high school,
for us, was full of tears ♪
1019
00:37:05,165 --> 00:37:07,084
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
1020
00:37:07,084 --> 00:37:09,127
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
1021
00:37:09,127 --> 00:37:10,504
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
1022
00:37:10,504 --> 00:37:11,755
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
1023
00:37:11,755 --> 00:37:13,256
♪ The gays are coming ♪
1024
00:37:13,256 --> 00:37:17,427
all: ♪ The gays are coming ♪
1025
00:37:17,427 --> 00:37:19,262
♪ Home to win the night ♪