1 00:00:10,965 --> 00:00:12,165 Keep being funny. 2 00:00:12,565 --> 00:00:16,525 Tell jokes... at the funeral, or at the party after. 3 00:00:17,125 --> 00:00:18,645 There'd better be a party after. 4 00:00:19,485 --> 00:00:22,805 You're always funny at parties. You always get drunk and overexcited. 5 00:00:23,205 --> 00:00:26,685 Running around like a fat, little annoying Santa with your rosy cheeks, 6 00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:28,125 making everyone laugh. 7 00:00:28,725 --> 00:00:30,925 Then you have a sort of spiritual hangover the next day, 8 00:00:31,005 --> 00:00:32,685 worried you'd offended so and so. 9 00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:35,125 You never had, though. 10 00:00:36,685 --> 00:00:37,885 You just made 'em laugh. 11 00:00:38,525 --> 00:00:39,685 Just keep being funny. 12 00:00:41,005 --> 00:00:42,165 You're a lovely man. 13 00:01:44,525 --> 00:01:45,365 You all right, George? 14 00:01:48,925 --> 00:01:49,845 What's the matter? 15 00:01:51,085 --> 00:01:52,085 Robbie hit me. 16 00:01:52,725 --> 00:01:53,565 Why? 17 00:01:53,845 --> 00:01:55,605 He always does, every day. 18 00:01:56,365 --> 00:01:57,445 Which one's Robbie? 19 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,405 - Stop it! - The one with the branch? 20 00:02:05,245 --> 00:02:06,205 Are you Robbie? 21 00:02:06,925 --> 00:02:08,605 - Yeah. - Robbie, come here. 22 00:02:09,205 --> 00:02:10,565 Listen up, right? 23 00:02:11,485 --> 00:02:13,165 I'm an escaped lunatic, 24 00:02:13,245 --> 00:02:15,845 and I like murdering little fat kids like you, 25 00:02:15,925 --> 00:02:19,205 so if you hit George or anyone else, I'm gonna come to your house... 26 00:02:19,285 --> 00:02:20,205 I know where you live... 27 00:02:20,285 --> 00:02:23,165 and while you're asleep, I'm gonna smash your stupid head in with this hammer. 28 00:02:23,245 --> 00:02:24,165 Do you understand? 29 00:02:29,405 --> 00:02:31,925 I just threatened a ten-year-old kid with a hammer. 30 00:02:32,605 --> 00:02:33,685 They've gotta learn. 31 00:02:33,765 --> 00:02:35,325 He was bullying George, and I said 32 00:02:35,725 --> 00:02:38,605 I'd murder him in his sleep if he did it again. 33 00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:46,085 - Oh... Hello. - Hi. 34 00:02:46,445 --> 00:02:48,805 He's going to murder a kid with a hammer 35 00:02:48,885 --> 00:02:50,205 if it doesn't behave. 36 00:02:51,485 --> 00:02:54,525 So did you...  go on your date, then? 37 00:02:54,605 --> 00:02:55,445 Yeah. 38 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,085 Was it a success? 39 00:02:57,165 --> 00:02:59,525 No, it was... awful... 40 00:03:00,285 --> 00:03:03,125 awkward... just the worst. 41 00:03:03,525 --> 00:03:06,965 The one good thing about my life is that I never have to do that shit again. 42 00:03:07,045 --> 00:03:08,485 Oh, I know what you mean. 43 00:03:08,565 --> 00:03:10,885 You know, I'm genuinely happy on my own. 44 00:03:10,965 --> 00:03:11,965 Just me and the dog. 45 00:03:12,045 --> 00:03:14,005 - Me and my cat. - Exactly. 46 00:03:14,765 --> 00:03:17,365 When the dog goes, and him, 47 00:03:17,925 --> 00:03:21,405 I'll have no responsibility for anything ever again. 48 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:23,325 I can do what I like. 49 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:24,645 Mm-hm. 50 00:03:25,725 --> 00:03:28,045 Well, you'll never have to come here again, so... 51 00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:34,125 - Right. - Okay. 52 00:03:34,685 --> 00:03:35,805 - I've gotta... - Yeah. 53 00:03:35,885 --> 00:03:37,445 - See you. - See you later. 54 00:03:49,405 --> 00:03:50,645 Valerie, erm... 55 00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:52,925 call me when my girlfriend  gets here, please. 56 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,605 But you'll see her. 57 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,325 What? 58 00:03:56,525 --> 00:03:58,085 Yeah, just call me, huh? 59 00:03:58,725 --> 00:04:00,045 She's bringing me a treat. 60 00:04:00,685 --> 00:04:01,525 Women. 61 00:04:01,925 --> 00:04:03,245 Bloody love 'em though. 62 00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,125 Oh, hey. How was the date? 63 00:04:08,205 --> 00:04:09,045 The worst. 64 00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:10,085 - Oh no. - Yeah. 65 00:04:10,165 --> 00:04:13,165 - I thought you'd have so much in common. - Well, she didn't want to be there, 66 00:04:13,245 --> 00:04:15,565 she drank like a fish, swore like a trooper, 67 00:04:15,645 --> 00:04:18,365 err, she was narcissistic, rude. 68 00:04:18,445 --> 00:04:19,325 Yeah, exactly. 69 00:04:20,405 --> 00:04:23,445 Good one. Luckily, I got it in first that I didn't want to be there either, 70 00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:25,765 and that I miss my wife, and that... 71 00:04:26,645 --> 00:04:27,685 I wanna kill myself. 72 00:04:27,965 --> 00:04:31,005 And then she teased me that I couldn't commit suicide 73 00:04:31,085 --> 00:04:32,245 as well as her dead husband. 74 00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:33,845 - Sounds brilliant. - Yeah. 75 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:36,485 Then I tried to knock a couple of muggers off a moped. 76 00:04:37,085 --> 00:04:38,245 Stole their hammer. 77 00:04:38,325 --> 00:04:39,525 You were mugged again? 78 00:04:39,605 --> 00:04:40,445 No. 79 00:04:40,925 --> 00:04:41,925 A woman was... 80 00:04:42,245 --> 00:04:43,405 But as they went past me. 81 00:04:44,845 --> 00:04:47,245 I've always wanted to knock a twat off a motorbike. 82 00:04:47,325 --> 00:04:49,645 I hate the way they rev up for no reason. 83 00:04:50,005 --> 00:04:53,165 The fact they were muggers was a bonus. It sort of justified it. 84 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:55,205 And what d'you mean, you stole their hammer? 85 00:04:55,285 --> 00:04:58,005 I confiscated it, really. They dropped it, so I thought, 86 00:04:58,085 --> 00:04:58,965 "I'll have that." 87 00:04:59,085 --> 00:05:03,045 It's a good one as well, so not a complete waste of an evening. 88 00:05:09,085 --> 00:05:10,005 Good. 89 00:05:11,525 --> 00:05:13,325 Can I just talk to you about something a sec? 90 00:05:13,765 --> 00:05:14,605 Yeah. 91 00:05:26,245 --> 00:05:27,605 Did you hear about Julian? 92 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,925 - The guy who distributes the newspapers. - Yeah. 93 00:05:31,325 --> 00:05:32,885 He was found dead this morning. 94 00:05:33,725 --> 00:05:35,005 From an overdose, heroin. 95 00:05:37,285 --> 00:05:38,205 Yep. 96 00:05:39,645 --> 00:05:41,125 It's so sad. I didn't even... 97 00:05:41,685 --> 00:05:43,085 I... I had no idea. 98 00:05:45,885 --> 00:05:46,965 I gave him the money. 99 00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:49,085 For what? 100 00:05:50,845 --> 00:05:51,685 For drugs. 101 00:05:53,125 --> 00:05:55,805 Yeah, but you couldn't have known that he would overdose, though. 102 00:05:57,685 --> 00:05:58,525 Well... 103 00:05:58,605 --> 00:06:00,205 - Fuck's sake, Tony. - What? 104 00:06:00,565 --> 00:06:02,925 Don't say that. Don't even joke about things like that. 105 00:06:03,005 --> 00:06:04,925 What? Why? What's... 106 00:06:05,005 --> 00:06:07,245 Because you're the godfather to my son. 107 00:06:07,685 --> 00:06:09,725 - Right... - Because you're not a fucking psychopath. 108 00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:11,085 - Okay. - Why would you say... 109 00:06:11,165 --> 00:06:12,805 Why would you even tell me that? 110 00:06:14,605 --> 00:06:15,565 You didn't know. 111 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:20,045 - Just tell me you didn't know. - Right. I couldn't know... 112 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:21,725 - Right. - ...it was gonna... 113 00:06:22,205 --> 00:06:23,165 you know, work. 114 00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:25,845 Work? Are you fucking kidding me? 115 00:06:25,925 --> 00:06:28,725 He was a heroin addict, okay? That's what he did. 116 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,365 Right? It's what he wanted, obviously. 117 00:06:31,645 --> 00:06:33,005 - So... - Tell me that you didn't know 118 00:06:33,085 --> 00:06:36,925 that he was gonna kill himself, or I'm not gonna let you see George again, okay? 119 00:06:38,805 --> 00:06:39,645 I didn't know. 120 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:41,445 Obviously not. 121 00:06:43,725 --> 00:06:44,565 Okay. 122 00:06:45,485 --> 00:06:47,245 You didn't... Yeah, you didn't know. 123 00:06:53,565 --> 00:06:54,605 Here she is. 124 00:06:55,205 --> 00:06:56,605 - Who? - My bird. 125 00:06:57,445 --> 00:06:59,565 - My bird. - Come in. Take a seat. 126 00:07:01,605 --> 00:07:03,925 - Bread pudding delivery. - Lovely. Thanks, love. 127 00:07:04,005 --> 00:07:07,805 Um, everyone, it's my girlfriend, June. June, everyone. 128 00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,525 - Hello. - Hi, June. 129 00:07:10,365 --> 00:07:12,925 So... what's it like going out with... 130 00:07:13,925 --> 00:07:14,765 that? 131 00:07:16,445 --> 00:07:17,285 It's lovely. 132 00:07:17,365 --> 00:07:18,285 - Is it? - Yeah. 133 00:07:18,765 --> 00:07:20,045 What do you mean? 134 00:07:20,125 --> 00:07:21,365 He's good with my boy. 135 00:07:21,445 --> 00:07:22,965 - Right. - Got a lot in common, 136 00:07:23,045 --> 00:07:24,405 - my two little fatties. - Oh. 137 00:07:24,685 --> 00:07:27,125 I love it when  they fight over Creme Eggs. 138 00:07:27,205 --> 00:07:28,565 - Not fighting. - You do. 139 00:07:28,645 --> 00:07:30,485 No, he's just... He gets a bit grabby. 140 00:07:30,565 --> 00:07:35,365 Ahh. He tells me you were attracted to his style even before his personality. 141 00:07:36,365 --> 00:07:37,565 - Yeah. - Wow. 142 00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:39,125 - Love everything about him. - Right. 143 00:07:40,205 --> 00:07:41,285 Especially his body. 144 00:07:42,285 --> 00:07:43,125 Really? 145 00:07:43,205 --> 00:07:44,645 Wh-wh-why? 146 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,485 Why? What's... 147 00:07:46,565 --> 00:07:47,445 He's 'ot. 148 00:07:49,125 --> 00:07:50,005 'Ot? 149 00:07:50,085 --> 00:07:52,685 Yeah, like his body temperature's warm, like hot to the touch. 150 00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:54,845 - Oh, right. - So when he's naked, it's like cuddling 151 00:07:54,925 --> 00:07:56,085 - a big baby. - Oh. 152 00:07:56,165 --> 00:07:58,805 And his skin's dead smooth when he gets out the bath. 153 00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:00,765 Very cuddly, yeah. 154 00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:04,605 And have you noticed  the roll of, um... 155 00:08:05,325 --> 00:08:07,125 flab on his neck? 156 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,885 - Back fat? - No, not back fat, 157 00:08:09,005 --> 00:08:10,845 but we'll come back to that, thank you. 158 00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:13,965 Um, no. Next time he's lying naked, 159 00:08:14,045 --> 00:08:17,205 just grab the back of his neck. Or get on him, if you like. 160 00:08:17,325 --> 00:08:20,125 Sit on him, grab the roll of fat on his back there, 161 00:08:20,205 --> 00:08:24,205 and blump him around the room like a biiiig space hopper. 162 00:08:24,285 --> 00:08:26,085 - That'd be good. - Don't want to hurt him, do I? 163 00:08:26,165 --> 00:08:28,445 No. You just wanna cudd... I know. 164 00:08:28,525 --> 00:08:30,485 Wanna see a sexy picture of him just out the bath? 165 00:08:30,565 --> 00:08:32,525 - Yes, please, June. - I've got one 'ere. 166 00:08:32,605 --> 00:08:35,325 You should probably... head off, love, shouldn't you? 167 00:08:35,405 --> 00:08:37,005 - Yeah. - Well, come back any time, though, 168 00:08:37,085 --> 00:08:39,525 'cause we're a local paper, so we need sort of... Ahhh! 169 00:08:39,845 --> 00:08:42,165 We need sort of local interest stories like this. 170 00:08:42,445 --> 00:08:44,365 - Ah, I forgot the custard. - Not to worry. 171 00:08:44,445 --> 00:08:46,205 Okay, next time, though. 172 00:08:46,965 --> 00:08:48,965 - Never mind. - Yeah, all right. See you, love. 173 00:08:49,045 --> 00:08:51,885 - Thanks for... - See you later. 174 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:52,965 Nice to meet you all. 175 00:08:53,045 --> 00:08:55,125 - Nice to meet you. - Lovely to meet you. Cheers. 176 00:08:55,205 --> 00:08:56,525 - Ta-ra. - Thanks for the pud. 177 00:08:56,605 --> 00:08:57,925 You're welcome! 178 00:08:59,045 --> 00:09:01,805 - Fuckin' hell. - You make a lovely couple. 179 00:09:02,045 --> 00:09:02,885 Cheers. 180 00:09:05,525 --> 00:09:06,965 Someone for everyone, isn't there? 181 00:09:08,245 --> 00:09:09,085 Thanks. 182 00:09:11,045 --> 00:09:12,165 She's brilliant, mate. 183 00:09:13,045 --> 00:09:13,885 Cheers. 184 00:09:29,925 --> 00:09:30,965 - Oh. - Hi. 185 00:09:31,045 --> 00:09:32,845 Hi. Twice in one day? 186 00:09:33,725 --> 00:09:37,205 - Somebody's popular. - It's just a slow workday, so... 187 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,085 - Wish I had a slow workday. - You busy? 188 00:09:39,165 --> 00:09:41,005 Err... Yeah, just a bit. 189 00:09:41,085 --> 00:09:43,725 Just... Well, have a sit down. 190 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,245 That's all I've got. 191 00:09:55,205 --> 00:09:56,205 God. 192 00:09:57,005 --> 00:09:58,725 Okay, back to work. 193 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,525 - Bye! - Bye. 194 00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:08,125 Well, I didn't breastfeed this time, 195 00:10:08,205 --> 00:10:09,725 not convenient. 196 00:10:09,805 --> 00:10:13,485 Obviously, I was still lactating, so I thought, "Waste not, want not," 197 00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:15,365 so I expressed... 198 00:10:15,445 --> 00:10:17,485 and started making rice puddings. 199 00:10:18,125 --> 00:10:20,045 - Out of your breast milk? - Good idea. 200 00:10:20,125 --> 00:10:22,085 It's more natural, if you think about it, isn't it? 201 00:10:22,525 --> 00:10:25,085 For people to eat a pudding made from human milk. 202 00:10:25,165 --> 00:10:26,565 That's what we're used to, isn't it? 203 00:10:26,645 --> 00:10:28,125 Well, when we're babies maybe. 204 00:10:28,205 --> 00:10:29,725 So I kept expressing... 205 00:10:29,805 --> 00:10:31,765 And making... rice puddings. 206 00:10:32,045 --> 00:10:33,365 Do other people eat these? 207 00:10:33,445 --> 00:10:34,845 Yeah, they lap it up. 208 00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,325 And they know it's your breast milk? 209 00:10:36,405 --> 00:10:37,405 Yeah. 210 00:10:37,685 --> 00:10:39,125 Who eats these? 211 00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,885 Mr. Crosby at number five. 212 00:10:40,965 --> 00:10:42,285 He can't get enough. 213 00:10:42,365 --> 00:10:44,565 - I mean, I can't make huge puddings. - Sure. 214 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,525 Sometimes I have to top it up with cow's milk. 215 00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:47,645 Right. 216 00:10:47,725 --> 00:10:49,005 Anyway, do you want to try? 217 00:10:50,005 --> 00:10:51,685 Nah. We're fine, thank you... 218 00:10:55,205 --> 00:10:56,965 Oh. Oh, God! 219 00:10:57,045 --> 00:10:58,485 Are you okay? 220 00:10:58,565 --> 00:11:00,685 No, it's the sight of him just... 221 00:11:01,085 --> 00:11:03,005 slurping it up like a fat... 222 00:11:03,085 --> 00:11:03,965 fuckin' Labrador. 223 00:11:04,405 --> 00:11:05,245 Oh, god. 224 00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:07,445 It's... 225 00:11:07,525 --> 00:11:09,125 Oh, God. 226 00:11:10,805 --> 00:11:11,965 Change the subject. 227 00:11:12,045 --> 00:11:14,445 So for the bread, I use my own vaginal yeast. 228 00:11:17,805 --> 00:11:18,725 Thank you. 229 00:11:20,645 --> 00:11:24,365 You never need to use your own vaginal yeast to make bread. 230 00:11:24,605 --> 00:11:26,965 If you're making bread, "Oh, we've run out of yeast. 231 00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:28,725 Oh, I know. I can use... Forget it. 232 00:11:28,805 --> 00:11:31,045 I'll go to the shops. We'll get a lovely loaf." 233 00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:33,805 You've still got the fuckin' milk around your mouth. 234 00:11:33,885 --> 00:11:35,005 Oh, you pig. 235 00:11:36,685 --> 00:11:38,885 I've got to walk the dog. I'll see you later. 236 00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:18,165 All right? 237 00:12:18,245 --> 00:12:19,845 - Yeah. - Been waiting for you. 238 00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:20,965 Why? 239 00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:22,565 Postcard. 240 00:12:23,005 --> 00:12:24,685 - Who's that from? - You, obviously. 241 00:12:25,325 --> 00:12:26,165 What's it say? 242 00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:27,965 - You know what it says. - Go on. 243 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,365 "To Pat. Stop reading my postcards, you nosy, scruffy cunt." 244 00:12:35,325 --> 00:12:36,405 Not very nice, is it? 245 00:12:36,685 --> 00:12:38,845 It's not addressed to you, is it? It's addressed to me. 246 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,205 Yeah, but you knew I'd read it. 247 00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:41,405 And that's my point. 248 00:12:42,725 --> 00:12:44,445 Good girl. Come on. 249 00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,885 I'm always angry. 250 00:12:47,965 --> 00:12:49,005 Yeah. 251 00:12:49,085 --> 00:12:50,965 I hate the fact that people think... 252 00:12:51,525 --> 00:12:54,165 they can get away with being shit, you know? 253 00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:56,525 I was wound up the other day 254 00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,925 by a woman walking along the street next to me, 255 00:12:59,005 --> 00:13:01,165 and she was shuffling. She wouldn't pick her... 256 00:13:01,245 --> 00:13:02,325 Pick your fuckin' feet up. 257 00:13:02,405 --> 00:13:04,365 Has no one ever told you how to fuckin' walk? 258 00:13:04,445 --> 00:13:05,285 You're an adult. 259 00:13:05,365 --> 00:13:07,445 I wanted to punch a bloke in the cafe yesterday 260 00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:08,685 for yawning too loudly. 261 00:13:08,925 --> 00:13:09,845 He was doing this... 262 00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:12,765 Shut the fuck up! 263 00:13:12,845 --> 00:13:13,845 No one cares. 264 00:13:14,045 --> 00:13:16,005 It's like celebrating being tired. 265 00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:20,725 We all get irritated by things, okay? 266 00:13:21,085 --> 00:13:23,245 I hate people who eat the ice in their gin and tonics. 267 00:13:23,325 --> 00:13:24,485 So do I. 268 00:13:24,565 --> 00:13:27,885 But I bet your first thought isn't, "I hope he chokes on that, 269 00:13:27,965 --> 00:13:30,725 and as he's on the floor gasping for air, 270 00:13:30,805 --> 00:13:32,005 I wanna lean in and go, 271 00:13:32,085 --> 00:13:35,365 "That's what you get for eating ice, you fuckin' moron." 272 00:13:36,005 --> 00:13:36,845 No, it isn't. 273 00:13:37,685 --> 00:13:39,445 Welcome to the contents of my head. 274 00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:46,285 Excuse me. 275 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,405 - Spare a moment for homeless children? - Sorry, no. 276 00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,245 Oh, don't care about children in poverty then? 277 00:13:56,885 --> 00:13:58,885 Not at the moment. I've got bigger problems. 278 00:13:58,965 --> 00:14:01,325 Do bigger problems exist than the desperate poverty of a child? 279 00:14:01,685 --> 00:14:04,365 Sorry, I thought me saying I was busy was enough. 280 00:14:04,445 --> 00:14:07,645 What's the guilt tripping? And don't give me this altruism shit. 281 00:14:07,725 --> 00:14:10,685 You're not a volunteer. Everyone knows you're getting paid. 282 00:14:10,765 --> 00:14:13,965 You don't give a fuck about the charity or poverty-stricken kids. You want money. 283 00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,045 I'd effectively be paying your wages, 284 00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:17,565 you wiry, little twat. 285 00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:25,525 Four-eyes! 286 00:14:42,645 --> 00:14:43,485 Oh. 287 00:14:44,045 --> 00:14:45,525 Please can I be in the paper? 288 00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:46,885 For what? 289 00:14:46,965 --> 00:14:47,845 Me. 290 00:14:49,005 --> 00:14:50,645 - My story. - What story? 291 00:14:50,725 --> 00:14:51,725 I've got stories. 292 00:14:51,805 --> 00:14:53,805 You'll do stories about anything in here, won't you? 293 00:14:53,885 --> 00:14:55,965 What was it last week, "Woman Finds Hat in a Tree"? 294 00:14:56,045 --> 00:14:57,645 Please... 295 00:14:57,725 --> 00:14:59,285 come and have a look at my home. 296 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,485 - Why? - This is just the tip of the iceberg. 297 00:15:01,565 --> 00:15:02,405 You don't know. 298 00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:03,765 No, I believe you. 299 00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:05,565 It's a tr... trevor tro... treasure trove. 300 00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:08,405 - Easy for you to say. - Collected loads of things over the years. 301 00:15:08,485 --> 00:15:10,645 Memorabilia and trophies and... 302 00:15:11,085 --> 00:15:12,085 my exploits. 303 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:16,165 If you're not convinced, I promise I'll never darken your door again. 304 00:15:16,405 --> 00:15:18,685 So if we come and look at your house, 305 00:15:18,765 --> 00:15:20,125 you'll never bother us... 306 00:15:20,205 --> 00:15:21,045 Never. No. 307 00:15:23,165 --> 00:15:24,125 It'll make my year. 308 00:15:26,645 --> 00:15:27,925 D'you wanna go have a look? 309 00:15:28,485 --> 00:15:29,445 Yeah. 310 00:15:30,205 --> 00:15:31,605 Please bring the new girl. 311 00:15:31,685 --> 00:15:33,765 D'you want to watch us cover this story? 312 00:15:34,485 --> 00:15:35,685 - Yeah. All right. - Yeah? 313 00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:44,205 Here we go. 314 00:15:47,765 --> 00:15:48,605 Here we are. 315 00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:53,485 - Fuckin' hell. - Come in. 316 00:15:53,885 --> 00:15:55,445 This is the dining room. 317 00:15:57,125 --> 00:15:58,445 Okay, come through. 318 00:16:03,845 --> 00:16:05,925 This is what I've been talking about. This is... 319 00:16:11,045 --> 00:16:11,885 Questions? 320 00:16:12,525 --> 00:16:13,685 What's that smell? 321 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:14,605 Which one? 322 00:16:14,685 --> 00:16:16,525 Like a clawing thing in the back of the throat. 323 00:16:16,605 --> 00:16:18,125 - Back of the throat. Dead mice. - Yeah... 324 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:21,765 Back of the room. Back corner. Basically, I put some traps there 325 00:16:21,845 --> 00:16:24,325 a couple of years ago, and I can't get to them, so... 326 00:16:25,005 --> 00:16:26,165 Any other questions? 327 00:16:28,165 --> 00:16:29,605 - What are they? - Cockroaches. 328 00:16:30,485 --> 00:16:31,325 I collect them. 329 00:16:31,405 --> 00:16:33,525 Basically, these little fellas are um... 330 00:16:33,605 --> 00:16:34,685 - Don't open it. - Okay. 331 00:16:36,205 --> 00:16:39,045 My rule is, if you come onto my property, then I own you. 332 00:16:39,485 --> 00:16:40,325 Okay? 333 00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:42,205 Question three? 334 00:16:42,685 --> 00:16:44,565 - How long have you been doing this? - Ooh. 335 00:16:45,765 --> 00:16:47,645 When did my wife leave me? 336 00:16:47,725 --> 00:16:48,725 Seven years. 337 00:16:48,965 --> 00:16:51,605 Seven years ago. I just thought I could do what I like with the place. 338 00:16:52,725 --> 00:16:53,605 So I just went for it. 339 00:16:53,685 --> 00:16:55,805 Yeah, which brings me to my next question, 340 00:16:55,885 --> 00:16:57,845 - and don't take this the wrong way... - No. 341 00:16:57,925 --> 00:16:59,565 Why have you never considered suicide? 342 00:16:59,645 --> 00:17:00,485 I have. 343 00:17:01,325 --> 00:17:03,205 And why... didn't you go through with it? 344 00:17:03,285 --> 00:17:05,485 Because I decided it was too good for me. 345 00:17:05,765 --> 00:17:06,605 Wow. 346 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:09,085 That's what you're dealing with. 347 00:17:09,765 --> 00:17:10,925 - Cup of tea? - Definitely not. 348 00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:11,885 Okay. 349 00:17:12,685 --> 00:17:15,765 Brian, this isn't right for a local paper. How can I do a... 350 00:17:16,645 --> 00:17:18,125 There's no story here, mate. 351 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,165 Can I stay and try and find one? 352 00:17:20,885 --> 00:17:21,965 - Really? - Yeah. 353 00:17:22,325 --> 00:17:23,365 Okay. 354 00:17:24,325 --> 00:17:25,285 See you later. 355 00:17:26,325 --> 00:17:27,725 - Cheers, Brian. - Yeah. 356 00:17:27,805 --> 00:17:29,205 - Thank you. - Bye. 357 00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:30,125 Where are you going? 358 00:17:30,205 --> 00:17:31,845 - I'm coming with you. - No, you're not. 359 00:17:32,725 --> 00:17:34,045 Don't leave her with him. 360 00:17:34,125 --> 00:17:35,365 - It stinks. - Yeah. 361 00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,645 What d'you wanna know? Where'd you wanna go? 362 00:17:37,725 --> 00:17:39,485 Just show me  what you've got, really. 363 00:17:39,885 --> 00:17:42,525 What I've got? What haven't I got? 364 00:17:47,565 --> 00:17:48,685 Okay, thank you. Yeah. 365 00:17:49,405 --> 00:17:50,645 No, thanks for letting me know. 366 00:17:56,925 --> 00:17:59,925 Hello, everybody! Hello! 367 00:18:00,005 --> 00:18:01,925   Hello, everybody! Hello. 368 00:18:02,005 --> 00:18:03,165 Say hello, everybody. 369 00:18:03,285 --> 00:18:04,845 - Hello. - Hello. 370 00:18:04,925 --> 00:18:06,165 Hello, Mr. Punch. 371 00:18:06,245 --> 00:18:08,085 Hello, Mrs. Punch.  What are you up to? 372 00:18:08,165 --> 00:18:10,365 Oh, nothing much. Nothing much. 373 00:18:10,445 --> 00:18:12,885 Yes, you have. You've been shagging Mickey the Gypsy. 374 00:18:12,965 --> 00:18:14,085 No, I haven't. 375 00:18:14,165 --> 00:18:15,605 Yes, you have. 376 00:18:15,685 --> 00:18:17,325 Ooh, calm down, Brian. 377 00:18:17,405 --> 00:18:19,565 Calm down? You're telling me to calm down? 378 00:18:19,845 --> 00:18:21,965 Huh? You've made me a laughing stock around the village, 379 00:18:22,045 --> 00:18:23,365 and she's telling me to calm down. 380 00:18:23,445 --> 00:18:25,485 She's been shagging anything that moves. 381 00:18:25,565 --> 00:18:28,685 For 18 months, she's shagging Mickey the Gypsy down Green Lane. 382 00:18:29,165 --> 00:18:31,525 My wife is a slut. There's your headline. 383 00:18:31,765 --> 00:18:32,805 "My Wife's a Slut." 384 00:18:33,525 --> 00:18:35,485 This woman has destroyed me. 385 00:18:36,805 --> 00:18:38,765 Yes, please, take a picture. Thank you. 386 00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:50,245 Tony, can I have a word? 387 00:18:50,325 --> 00:18:51,605 - Now? - Yeah, now. 388 00:18:55,365 --> 00:18:56,205 Shut the door. 389 00:18:57,405 --> 00:18:58,365 Sit down. 390 00:19:00,725 --> 00:19:02,325 I just had a phone call from the school. 391 00:19:02,565 --> 00:19:05,085 Not as a story or anything, but as a parent. 392 00:19:05,165 --> 00:19:07,485 Apparently, a middle-aged man threatened a ten-year-old child 393 00:19:07,565 --> 00:19:08,445 with a hammer today. 394 00:19:10,685 --> 00:19:12,765 You threatened a child with a fucking hammer. 395 00:19:12,845 --> 00:19:14,165 Who told you it was me? 396 00:19:14,245 --> 00:19:15,805 Nobody. They don't know it was you. 397 00:19:15,885 --> 00:19:18,085 I know it was you 'cause I've seen the fucking hammer. 398 00:19:19,605 --> 00:19:20,685 He was bullying George. 399 00:19:20,765 --> 00:19:23,125 What the fuck is wrong with you, Tony? I can't... 400 00:19:23,525 --> 00:19:26,725 I can take all the insults, you know, the lateness. 401 00:19:27,085 --> 00:19:29,005 Fill your boots with that shit, but you can't... 402 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:32,125 If you carry on like this, people are gonna get hurt, right? 403 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,445 - And it's not gonna be George. - I know. 404 00:19:33,525 --> 00:19:35,325 I was trying to stop George getting hurt. 405 00:19:35,405 --> 00:19:37,005 I get enough grief from Jill as it is, 406 00:19:37,285 --> 00:19:38,765 letting George see you, but I do it 407 00:19:39,085 --> 00:19:41,245 because I know it makes you happy, 408 00:19:41,325 --> 00:19:44,445 but I can't risk that anymore. Do you understand? 409 00:19:49,685 --> 00:19:52,125 - I'm fucked up. - You're not fuck... that's not good enough. 410 00:19:52,205 --> 00:19:53,965 That is not good enough, Tony. 411 00:19:54,045 --> 00:19:56,165 That's letting yourself off the hook again. 412 00:19:56,565 --> 00:19:59,165 People who are fucked up don't choose to be like that. 413 00:19:59,245 --> 00:20:01,165 You're doing this on purpose. You know what you're doing. 414 00:20:01,245 --> 00:20:02,725 This is the worst thing you've done. 415 00:20:02,805 --> 00:20:05,285 I don't even know what you're fighting anymore. 416 00:20:05,365 --> 00:20:08,445 I don't get this, okay? There is no enemy in this story. 417 00:20:08,525 --> 00:20:10,245 This is... You're just doing this to yourself. 418 00:20:10,325 --> 00:20:13,285 I'm in pain, all right? I'm in fucking pain all the time, 419 00:20:13,365 --> 00:20:14,845 and I do shit like this... 420 00:20:14,925 --> 00:20:17,325 ...'cause it makes me feel better for a split second. 421 00:20:17,645 --> 00:20:20,205 Other people are in pain as well. Other people have shit going on. 422 00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:22,245 Other people have things they need to deal with. 423 00:20:22,325 --> 00:20:23,685 I just want to be out of pain. 424 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,245 Either live without pain or die without pain, 425 00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:27,685 whichever one comes first. 426 00:20:27,765 --> 00:20:30,165 - I choose that, all right? - Okay, listen to me. 427 00:20:30,245 --> 00:20:33,685 If you're saying to me that you can't be trusted, 428 00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:37,085 that you're not accountable for your actions, then that's fine, 429 00:20:37,165 --> 00:20:38,525 if that's what you're saying. 430 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:40,445 But that means that you don't get to see George. 431 00:20:40,925 --> 00:20:44,725 Because if you're saying I have to choose between the safety of my son... 432 00:20:44,805 --> 00:20:45,805 and you, 433 00:20:45,885 --> 00:20:49,125 then I choose my son every fucking time. Do you understand me? 434 00:20:49,245 --> 00:20:50,605 It doesn't even come close. 435 00:20:52,165 --> 00:20:54,845 - I'd never do anything to hurt George. - Look what you've done already. 436 00:20:54,925 --> 00:20:55,885 I know. 437 00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:58,605 I won't do anything like this again. 438 00:20:59,285 --> 00:21:00,405 Well, let's see, okay? 439 00:21:11,045 --> 00:21:12,245 What was it like? 440 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,205 - Absolutely mental. - Why? 441 00:21:16,165 --> 00:21:17,365 It's just full of shit. 442 00:21:17,605 --> 00:21:18,525 Just old shit. 443 00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:20,885 He did a puppet show! 444 00:21:21,245 --> 00:21:23,605 - Puppet show? - Yeah, like an actual puppet show. 445 00:21:23,845 --> 00:21:25,645 How are you even gonna deal with that? 446 00:21:25,725 --> 00:21:26,565 It's quite sad. 447 00:21:27,445 --> 00:21:28,565 Excited to start it. 448 00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:31,445 Why is it empty? 449 00:21:32,085 --> 00:21:33,085 What d'you mean? 450 00:21:33,165 --> 00:21:37,605 Well, usually, there's like a... romantic scene or a castle or something inside. 451 00:21:37,685 --> 00:21:39,965 Yeah. This is one of them that you're meant to put 452 00:21:40,045 --> 00:21:42,165 a photo of a loved one in, but... 453 00:21:42,245 --> 00:21:43,525 I haven't met anyone, though. 454 00:21:44,245 --> 00:21:45,405 Fuck me. 455 00:21:46,125 --> 00:21:47,125 Put something in it. 456 00:21:47,925 --> 00:21:48,965 Picture of your cat, 457 00:21:49,685 --> 00:21:50,685 something you love. 458 00:21:51,885 --> 00:21:52,765 What d'you love? 459 00:21:55,245 --> 00:21:56,125 Loads of stuff. 460 00:21:56,365 --> 00:21:57,205 Go on. 461 00:21:58,525 --> 00:21:59,365 Go on what? 462 00:22:01,725 --> 00:22:03,085 What d'you mean "Go on what"? 463 00:22:03,765 --> 00:22:04,605 What? 464 00:22:05,445 --> 00:22:06,485 I said, "Go on," 465 00:22:08,045 --> 00:22:09,405 and you said, "Go on what?" 466 00:22:10,565 --> 00:22:12,485 You haven't heard the phrase, "go on," 467 00:22:12,925 --> 00:22:14,605 as in expound, 468 00:22:15,045 --> 00:22:16,405 give me some examples? 469 00:22:17,965 --> 00:22:19,205 - No. - No? 470 00:22:20,165 --> 00:22:21,005 Okay. 471 00:22:21,605 --> 00:22:23,685 Give me some examples of things you love. 472 00:22:28,485 --> 00:22:30,405 Having a laugh. 473 00:22:30,925 --> 00:22:32,245 - Really? - Yeah! 474 00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:35,045 You've seen the birthday cards I buy people. 475 00:22:35,605 --> 00:22:37,605 Funny memes I show around on Twitter. 476 00:22:39,845 --> 00:22:40,685 Kevin Hart. 477 00:23:02,365 --> 00:23:04,125 - Fancy seeing you here. - Oh. 478 00:23:05,325 --> 00:23:06,725 - You all right? - Yeah. 479 00:23:07,445 --> 00:23:08,285 Good. 480 00:23:09,925 --> 00:23:10,765 Erm... 481 00:23:11,925 --> 00:23:12,885 I need some advice. 482 00:23:14,085 --> 00:23:15,285 I wanted to kill myself. 483 00:23:16,405 --> 00:23:18,085 And when I couldn't, or hadn't, 484 00:23:19,125 --> 00:23:20,405 I thought, "Okay. 485 00:23:20,725 --> 00:23:23,765 If I'm gonna do this carrying on living thing, 486 00:23:24,205 --> 00:23:27,125 it's gonna be on my terms, I'm gonna do what I want, 487 00:23:28,125 --> 00:23:30,325 and I've always got suicide to fall back on." 488 00:23:31,765 --> 00:23:33,005 Got to have a backup. 489 00:23:36,005 --> 00:23:37,165 Exactly. 490 00:23:37,645 --> 00:23:38,925 But it didn't go to plan. 491 00:23:39,525 --> 00:23:40,365 Erm... 492 00:23:40,885 --> 00:23:43,285 At first, I thought it was like a superpower. 493 00:23:43,365 --> 00:23:46,125 I can do anything. Who cares? 494 00:23:46,205 --> 00:23:47,605 What's the worst that can happen? 495 00:23:47,685 --> 00:23:51,205 Nothing can hurt me because I can always kill myself, you know? And... 496 00:23:52,085 --> 00:23:52,925 But then... 497 00:23:53,645 --> 00:23:54,885 I realized you can't... 498 00:23:55,765 --> 00:23:58,445 You can't not care about things you actually care about. 499 00:23:58,525 --> 00:24:00,445 You can't fool yourself and... 500 00:24:01,325 --> 00:24:02,445 And, err... 501 00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:06,485 it was something you said, that it's not all about me, 502 00:24:07,645 --> 00:24:09,085 and even though I'm in pain, 503 00:24:10,085 --> 00:24:10,925 it's worth... 504 00:24:12,085 --> 00:24:14,005 sticking around to maybe... 505 00:24:15,125 --> 00:24:16,005 make my... 506 00:24:17,005 --> 00:24:20,445 little corner of the world a slightly better place. 507 00:24:22,125 --> 00:24:23,405 That's all there is. 508 00:24:26,565 --> 00:24:28,005 Happiness is amazing. 509 00:24:29,405 --> 00:24:32,165 It's so amazing, it doesn't matter if it's yours or not. 510 00:24:34,245 --> 00:24:35,565 There's that lovely thing, 511 00:24:36,685 --> 00:24:39,565 "A society grows great when old men plant trees, 512 00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:42,285 the shade of which they know they will never sit in." 513 00:24:44,245 --> 00:24:47,285 Good people do things for other people. 514 00:24:47,525 --> 00:24:48,805 That's it. The end. 515 00:24:52,405 --> 00:24:53,605 And you're good, Tony. 516 00:24:55,165 --> 00:24:56,445 You have so much to give. 517 00:24:58,645 --> 00:24:59,885 Smart... 518 00:24:59,965 --> 00:25:00,805 fun... 519 00:25:02,565 --> 00:25:03,405 lovely. 520 00:25:06,885 --> 00:25:08,085 You forgot "sexy," but... 521 00:25:08,165 --> 00:25:09,005 Yeah, well, 522 00:25:10,405 --> 00:25:11,925 didn't want to be too obvious. 523 00:25:12,925 --> 00:25:15,285 - If you were 20 years younger, right? - Exactly. 524 00:25:18,525 --> 00:25:21,565 Mind you, if I was 20 years younger, I think I could do better. 525 00:25:23,325 --> 00:25:25,445 Yeah, definitely. 526 00:25:27,805 --> 00:25:28,765 Ah. 527 00:25:35,125 --> 00:25:36,445 All right, I'm off. 528 00:25:37,645 --> 00:25:38,485 Bye. 529 00:25:39,045 --> 00:25:41,285 - See you tomorrow. - See ya. 530 00:25:52,565 --> 00:25:54,125 - See ya. - Bye. 531 00:26:29,725 --> 00:26:30,845 - Tony. - Huh? 532 00:26:31,205 --> 00:26:32,565 Please be happy. 533 00:26:33,245 --> 00:26:34,205 What? 534 00:26:34,285 --> 00:26:35,965 You deserve to be happy. 535 00:26:36,045 --> 00:26:37,125 Please be happy. 536 00:26:38,565 --> 00:26:39,965 I love how much you love your wife, 537 00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:45,125 and I can't wait for someone to love me as much as you love your wife. 538 00:26:45,725 --> 00:26:48,125 But... you can still be happy. 539 00:26:48,485 --> 00:26:49,445 Okay. 540 00:26:50,445 --> 00:26:51,645 You're so funny. 541 00:26:52,165 --> 00:26:53,725 You make me laugh all the time. 542 00:26:54,285 --> 00:26:55,965 Tony, you're breaking my heart. 543 00:26:56,045 --> 00:26:56,885 Okay. 544 00:27:01,965 --> 00:27:04,405 - How's the Brian story going? - Yeah, I've got it here. 545 00:27:05,365 --> 00:27:06,885 - Do you want to read it? - Yep. 546 00:27:24,245 --> 00:27:25,285 Well, 547 00:27:25,365 --> 00:27:26,685 this can be the front page. 548 00:27:27,845 --> 00:27:28,925 - Really? - Yeah. 549 00:27:30,445 --> 00:27:31,525 Oh, my God. I could cry. 550 00:27:31,605 --> 00:27:34,445 Don't cry, and don't be too flattered. Have you seen our front pages? 551 00:27:34,525 --> 00:27:35,885 Yeah. 552 00:27:36,485 --> 00:27:37,365 But still... 553 00:27:38,085 --> 00:27:38,965 It's really good. 554 00:27:40,005 --> 00:27:41,485 - Really good. - Thank you. 555 00:28:13,445 --> 00:28:15,205 No way! 556 00:28:15,605 --> 00:28:17,245 Tony! 557 00:28:19,165 --> 00:28:20,925 Oh, my God! 558 00:28:23,085 --> 00:28:24,245 Hello! 559 00:28:24,325 --> 00:28:25,725 Hello, you! 560 00:28:26,365 --> 00:28:27,285 Hello. 561 00:28:28,885 --> 00:28:31,125 Wow. This is your new home. 562 00:28:31,205 --> 00:28:33,245 - Oh, God. - My God, Tony. 563 00:28:33,325 --> 00:28:34,445 Look at that face. 564 00:28:34,525 --> 00:28:36,845 She is gorgeous. 565 00:28:54,005 --> 00:28:55,045 - Hey. - You all right? 566 00:28:57,005 --> 00:28:59,325 I knew I'd find you at the office. 567 00:29:02,005 --> 00:29:02,885 Prostitute. 568 00:29:04,405 --> 00:29:06,085 Sex worker. 569 00:29:10,765 --> 00:29:12,045 # When you're down # 570 00:29:13,205 --> 00:29:15,125 # And troubled # 571 00:29:16,085 --> 00:29:19,565 # And you need a helping hand # 572 00:29:21,245 --> 00:29:22,565 # And nothing # 573 00:29:23,405 --> 00:29:27,565 # Whoa, nothing's going right # 574 00:29:31,685 --> 00:29:35,125 # Close your eyes and think of me # 575 00:29:36,525 --> 00:29:40,125 # And soon I will be there # 576 00:29:41,885 --> 00:29:43,805 # To brighten up # 577 00:29:44,765 --> 00:29:48,245 # Even your darkest night # 578 00:29:51,725 --> 00:29:56,085 # You just call out my name # 579 00:29:57,325 --> 00:30:01,165 # And you know wherever I am # 580 00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:03,965 # I'll come running # 581 00:30:04,805 --> 00:30:06,765 # Oh, yeah, baby # 582 00:30:06,845 --> 00:30:09,085 # To see you again... #