1 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,051 [twinkling chimes] 2 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,188 [dramatic instrumental music playing] 3 00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:43,628 [AJ] Why does everything have to move so slow? 4 00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:49,926 It really pisses me off when I have to wait for shit to happen. 5 00:00:54,347 --> 00:00:55,681 I mean, come on. I'm ten. 6 00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,060 I need to get where I gotta be. 7 00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:11,280 Does it ever take a breath? 8 00:01:11,364 --> 00:01:13,866 -It didn't on the first plate. -[chuckles] 9 00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:19,080 Well, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go call America's Got Talent. 10 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,873 [both laugh] 11 00:01:20,957 --> 00:01:22,125 Lookin' good, Florence. 12 00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,293 Why, thank you. 13 00:01:24,377 --> 00:01:26,212 I'm back on Weight Watchers. 14 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,839 I can tell, girl. 15 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,757 -[kisses] -[Robert laughs] 16 00:01:29,841 --> 00:01:31,175 -[bell rings] -[cook] Order up. 17 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,718 [hostess] Tom, party of four. 18 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:33,845 Good, huh? 19 00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,181 This place is famous for their pancakes. 20 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:41,435 Everybody passing by on the Pennsylvania Turnpike 21 00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:43,521 makes a point to stop here 22 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,607 -and get a taste of those pancakes. -[cell phone beeps] 23 00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:50,528 Oh, good story. 24 00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:55,783 Okay, so... questions. 25 00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:58,578 Yeah. When do we get to Texas? 26 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:02,123 No, I meant I have some questions. Like... 27 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,376 why do you dress like a boy? 28 00:02:06,878 --> 00:02:08,337 Why do you dress like a girl? 29 00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:10,089 [Robert] Well... 30 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,676 I'm a performer, and that's how I make my living. 31 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,761 -[AJ tapping phone] -That's why I do it. 32 00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:17,305 Why do you do it? 33 00:02:17,889 --> 00:02:19,140 Do you want to be a boy? 34 00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:21,475 Do you want to be a girl? 35 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:24,020 No, no, I don't wanna be a girl. 36 00:02:25,271 --> 00:02:26,939 I don't want to be a girl either. 37 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,611 Oh. Okay. 38 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:33,988 Well, kiddo... 39 00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,574 you can be whoever you want to be around me. 40 00:02:37,116 --> 00:02:38,784 I've been told my whole life who I can't-- 41 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:41,287 Yeah, yeah. Are you taking me to Texas or not? 42 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:43,748 I was speaking. That was rude. 43 00:02:44,457 --> 00:02:46,626 And you've got blueberry syrup on your face. 44 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,169 [AJ] So? 45 00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:50,004 Wipe it off. 46 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,137 Don't tell me what to do. You're not my mother. 47 00:02:58,721 --> 00:03:00,848 Correct. I'm not your mother. 48 00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:04,143 I'm a drag queen on a cross-country tour. 49 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:08,439 So unless you're a pair of fake boobs or roll of duct tape, 50 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,733 you really don't belong in the back of my RV. 51 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,242 -[bell pings] -[cook] Order up. 52 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:22,119 There. 53 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:24,705 Now when do we get to Texas? 54 00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:29,794 [Robert] Okay, stop looking at your phone, 55 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,213 and let's have a real conversation about this. 56 00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:35,341 [AJ] That's my property. 57 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:36,759 Don't touch my property, man. 58 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:40,513 Said the person who kicked in my apartment window and stole all my cash. 59 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,057 Just talk. 60 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:44,976 Go! 61 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,271 Is your name really even AJ? 62 00:03:49,772 --> 00:03:51,023 What does it stand for? 63 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:54,026 Amber Jasmine. 64 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:59,699 My mom named me after her stripper friend and a racist Disney cartoon. 65 00:04:02,952 --> 00:04:04,704 Okay, well, listen, I... 66 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,042 Okay, how do I get in contact with your mother? 67 00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:11,002 I don't know. 68 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:14,463 Put a couple of oxys in your hand, hold it out. 69 00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,382 Maybe she'll come running. 70 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:20,886 Okay, look, I cannot take you to Texas. 71 00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:24,348 I appreciate your situation, I really do, 72 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,726 but I am not the fix here. 73 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:31,147 We need to take you to the state police, 74 00:04:31,564 --> 00:04:33,316 down here off the turnpike 75 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:36,819 and have them help us figure out what's best here. 76 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:38,779 How's that sound? 77 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,740 Like shit. 78 00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,326 Take me to Texas... 79 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,871 or I'll tell the waitress you touched me. 80 00:04:48,873 --> 00:04:52,001 I'm a little white girl. You're a big black man. 81 00:04:53,002 --> 00:04:56,047 [inhales sharply, whispers] That's not gonna go good for you. 82 00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,591 What is wrong with you? 83 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:01,052 Take me to Texas... 84 00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,013 or I'll tell the waitress you touched me. 85 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:07,475 Okay, go ahead. She knows me. She would never believe-- 86 00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:09,810 -Miss, this man-- -Stop! Stop! 87 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,104 She don't know me that well. 88 00:05:13,064 --> 00:05:14,648 Do you need something, darling? 89 00:05:15,775 --> 00:05:16,776 I don't know. 90 00:05:18,069 --> 00:05:19,070 Do I? 91 00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:20,863 No. 92 00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,991 Just the check, Florence. We've gotta hit the road. 93 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,744 Yeah. We're going to Texas. 94 00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,288 [Florence] Whoo-wee, Texas! 95 00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:33,459 [Robert] Jesus. 96 00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:35,544 You're like that Chucky doll. 97 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,214 But not as nice. 98 00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,549 [hostess] Jones, party of four. 99 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:48,349 I'll take you as far as my next gig in Pittsburgh, but this isn't over. 100 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,394 We're having many more conversations about it. 101 00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:59,110 You left her a ten-dollar tip. That's too much. 102 00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:00,945 Give her a buck. 103 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,864 The woman is 60 years old, on her feet all day, 104 00:06:03,948 --> 00:06:06,325 waiting on little psychopaths like you. 105 00:06:06,409 --> 00:06:07,785 Ten is not nearly enough. 106 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,541 See you next time, Florence. 107 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,334 Bye-bye, sweetheart. 108 00:06:15,668 --> 00:06:19,004 Look, the kid'll be coming back from the bathroom, so I can't talk long. 109 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:21,048 I'm on a time thing, too. 110 00:06:21,132 --> 00:06:24,969 Officer Muscles arrives in an hour to get ready for the Lady Danger sting. 111 00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:27,596 I want my face to be glowing. 112 00:06:28,264 --> 00:06:31,392 Louis, he's coming there to try to get a lead on my money. 113 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:32,726 Not to be your new BF. 114 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,396 I spent $7.95 on this face peel. 115 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:36,981 I can make this shit happen, 116 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,941 'cause I'm irresistible, bitch. 117 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,235 Now how about that kid? 118 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,405 How'd he end up in your RV anyhow? 119 00:06:45,156 --> 00:06:47,616 Well, for starters, he is a her. 120 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:49,994 She identifies as a boy. 121 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:55,708 Or, actually, I'm not sure where he or she or they is on the gender non-binary scale. 122 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,335 [Louis] It was so much simpler when we were growing up. 123 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,589 There were just two choices. Sissy or tomboy, you're done. 124 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,593 Yeah, well, Louis, you have to respect people's gender issues. 125 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,219 Bitch, all your shit just got stole! 126 00:07:07,303 --> 00:07:09,263 You ain't gotta respect people's anything. 127 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:13,309 Look, this is turning into a very heavy scene. 128 00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:16,353 The kid has no one looking out for her 129 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:19,607 and she wants me to take her to her grandfather in Texas. 130 00:07:20,191 --> 00:07:23,277 Be strong, girl. There are two types of people in this world. 131 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,280 Those that see a stray dog on the road and have to pick it up... 132 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,240 and those that drive right on by. 133 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,367 And which one am I? 134 00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:33,078 The type that takes the damn dog to Texas. 135 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:35,664 No. Mm-mm. No way. I won't. 136 00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,417 -[knocking on door] -Oh, hold on. 137 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,419 I think that's Old Lady Sweeney from next door 138 00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:42,254 here for them Quaker Oats you get her. 139 00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:43,672 It's in the cabinet, 140 00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:46,175 next to the Jenny Craig you pretend you can never find. 141 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:48,385 Oh, so now I'm pretending I'm blind? 142 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:49,595 Ms. Sweeney? 143 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,014 -No. It's Officer Patrick Kennedy. -[kettle whistles] 144 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,767 Uh, be right there. [grunts] 145 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:56,060 He's here, bitch. 146 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,187 I'm not ready. 147 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:00,856 [Robert] Okay, so call me right after 148 00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:03,192 and tell me everything you learn about Hector. 149 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:04,360 I mean Damien. 150 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,612 I gotta go. I'm here for you. 151 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,364 Unless you call me from Texas. 152 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,491 [grunts] 153 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:15,871 You're early. 154 00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:18,499 Yeah, I, uh... 155 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,627 hope it's okay. I came right from the gym. 156 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,213 Why go all the way uptown, then back home? 157 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:25,256 [chuckles] 158 00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:29,176 You've got white shit smeared all over your face. 159 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:30,678 Do I? 160 00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:36,976 [mournful piano music playing] 161 00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:11,969 Steal anything from that convenience store? 162 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,597 -No. -Open your jacket. 163 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:16,724 Open it. 164 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:25,691 I'll be right back. 165 00:09:37,161 --> 00:09:38,454 [AJ chuckles] Sucker. 166 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:43,876 ...and that this is your best friend, and he feels you're his best friend. 167 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:48,881 I... I have best friends, female and, uh, male, 168 00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,342 whom I really do believe that we're soulmates. 169 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:55,971 I do believe that soulmates come in the form of something other than, 170 00:09:56,055 --> 00:09:59,016 you know, you have to walk down the altar with that person. I mean... 171 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,351 Did you have a nice nap? 172 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,810 [Oprah] We have to start-- 173 00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:05,564 How could anyone sleep with Oatmeal talking that bullshit the whole way? 174 00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,191 [Oprah] ...soulful relationships 175 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:10,110 does not necessarily mean we have to go down the aisle with that. 176 00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:17,326 There are two things are gonna get you put out right on the side of the road. 177 00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,536 Stealing any more of my shit. 178 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,207 And saying anything bad about Oprah. 179 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,459 That woman is my lifeline. 180 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,962 She's the only way I'm coming back from this disaster. 181 00:10:30,381 --> 00:10:32,424 Why'd you ever give that guy your credit card? 182 00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,260 I thought we were in love. 183 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:37,429 What an asshole. 184 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:40,265 Me or him? 185 00:10:46,939 --> 00:10:48,023 [AJ] It's not here. 186 00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,360 What isn't? 187 00:10:53,112 --> 00:10:54,279 It's not here! 188 00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,491 -What isn't? -My phone! 189 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,452 You put it at the table, and you left it there! 190 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:02,371 Go back! Turn around! 191 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:05,541 No. We are two hours away from that diner. 192 00:11:06,125 --> 00:11:08,168 You have to go get it. I need my phone! 193 00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,254 Go back! Turn around! 194 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,173 I can't. I'm gonna be late for my show. 195 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:17,428 No one cares about your stupid show! 196 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,221 Hey! 197 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:22,015 -[tires screech] -[car horn honks] 198 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,475 -[Robert] Hey! -[AJ] Turn around! 199 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:25,352 -[Robert] Stop! -[AJ] I need my phone! 200 00:11:25,436 --> 00:11:27,229 I need my phone! 201 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,189 I need it! 202 00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:32,985 I need it! 203 00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,445 Enough! 204 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:36,905 Breathe. 205 00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:39,491 -Jeez. -[AJ sighs] 206 00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:42,244 I will call the diner. 207 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,417 What's so important about your stupid goddamn phone anyway? 208 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,460 [phone dialing] 209 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,964 Williamsport Diner on Interstate 80. 210 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:59,178 You know, I can change that code anytime I want to. And I do frequently. 211 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:05,476 Hi. Uh, I'd like to speak with Florence, the waitress. [sniffles] 212 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:09,688 Hi, Florence. 213 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:12,733 I was in there a couple of hours ago. 214 00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:15,194 You know, the guy with the kid and the pancakes. 215 00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,489 Yeah, that's the phone. 216 00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:21,992 Listen, we're gonna swing back around there tomorrow 217 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,285 and pick it up, okay? 218 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:27,498 What... what's that? You're gonna keep it safe for us? 219 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:31,001 Thank you so much. 220 00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,632 And that is why you overtip. 221 00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,177 [Robert sighs] 222 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:45,098 [Robert] Oh, my God. You just went from, like, zero to ten. 223 00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:02,115 [AJ] I learned two things that first day on the road: 224 00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:05,202 America has a lot of mattress factories, 225 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:08,539 and life sucks even more without your phone. 226 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:18,465 A little after six, 227 00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:22,177 we rolled into a dumpster fire called the Pittsburgh Pipeline. 228 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,893 Like it or not, this rainbow-covered shitshow 229 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,312 was the thing standing between me and my phone. 230 00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:38,735 [brakes squeak] 231 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,164 What's that smell? 232 00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:53,083 [sniffs] Mm, that's gay bar. 233 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,878 I love the smell of gay bar in the afternoon. 234 00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:02,175 You're going to love Pittsburgh. 235 00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:05,637 Everyone here is so friendly. It's like going back in time. 236 00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:10,559 Ruby! 237 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,102 To the '80s. 238 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,937 -Here's my girl. -Hi, handsome. 239 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,439 Mwah! Mwah! 240 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:20,235 Well, look what the pussy dragged in. [chuckles] 241 00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:21,778 And you have a child? 242 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:25,365 I knew closing those Planned Parenthood clinics would create a problem. 243 00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:26,950 [both laugh] 244 00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,535 Mwah. Mwah. 245 00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:31,246 Girl, this is AJ. 246 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:33,624 AJ, this is Magda, 247 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:37,502 -one of Pittsburgh's finest queens. -[chuckles] 248 00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:40,631 Which tells you a lot about the Pittsburgh scene. 249 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,093 Uh, maybe don't tuck your junk in front of a minor. 250 00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,889 There are no miners in Pennsylvania, 251 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,225 no matter what the president promised. 252 00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,810 [both laugh] 253 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:55,854 Mwah. Mwah. 254 00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,522 AJ, this is Edie. 255 00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,816 -She used to be pretty. -[Edie laughs] 256 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,527 -I'm still pretty, though, right? -Well... 257 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,446 Wait till you-- 258 00:15:19,378 --> 00:15:20,629 [AJ] What's his problem? 259 00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:23,882 [Robert] That's Alma Joy and, trust me... 260 00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:26,259 she may have a couple of nuts, 261 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,720 but there is no joy. 262 00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:30,722 [sighs] She and I had a little... 263 00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:34,267 let's just say situation, a long time ago, 264 00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,186 and she's never forgiven me. 265 00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:38,939 You knew I was doing Tina Turner! 266 00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,482 More like Teeny Turner! 267 00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,985 I'm the better Tina Turner, bitch! 268 00:15:43,694 --> 00:15:44,861 [glass smashes] 269 00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:48,407 How are you the better Tina Turner, bitch? You're white! 270 00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,117 That doesn't mean shit! 271 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,368 You do Cher! 272 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:54,997 Cher's not white. Cher is everything! 273 00:15:56,832 --> 00:15:58,375 -Oh! -[announcer] Put your hands together 274 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,043 for Miss Tina Turner! 275 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,211 -[grunts] -[glass smashes] 276 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:02,879 Bitch, that had fire! 277 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,132 -["Proud Mary" playing] -You freak. 278 00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:07,551 -[both grunting] -[Alma] Ow! My foot! Oh! 279 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,053 [audience cheers] 280 00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:16,059 -♪ I left a good job in the city ♪ -[man 1] Yeah, Tina! 281 00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,187 ♪ Workin' for the man Every night and day ♪ 282 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,190 ♪ And I never lost One minute of sleepin' ♪ 283 00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:24,735 ♪ Worryin' 'bout the way Things might have been ♪ 284 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,946 -♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪ -♪ Turnin' ♪ 285 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,615 -♪ Proud Mary, keep on burnin' ♪ -♪ Burnin' ♪ 286 00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:35,579 ♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river ♪ 287 00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,582 ♪ Say, we're rollin', we're rollin' ♪ 288 00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:41,043 ♪ Rollin' on the river ♪ 289 00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:45,130 -[vocalizing] -[Robert] Get off the stage! 290 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,757 [vocalizing] ♪ All right ♪ 291 00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:52,971 [Alma] In your face, bitch! 292 00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,770 ♪ I cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis ♪ 293 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:02,773 ♪ And I pumped a lot of tane Down in New Orleans ♪ 294 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,693 -No, bitch. This platform can't take two. -I'm Tina Turner! 295 00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:08,904 ♪ Till I hitched a ride On the riverboat queen ♪ 296 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,239 -♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪ -♪ Turnin' ♪ 297 00:17:11,323 --> 00:17:13,784 -♪ Proud Mary, keep on burnin' ♪ -♪ Burnin' ♪ 298 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,328 ♪ And we're rollin', take me rollin' ♪ 299 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,164 ♪ We're rollin' on the river ♪ 300 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:22,375 ♪ I tell you, we're rollin', rollin' ♪ 301 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,419 ♪ We're rollin' on the river ♪ 302 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,173 -[Robert] Ah! Whoa! -[Alma] Whoa! [grunts] 303 00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,341 [audience gasps] 304 00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:32,094 ♪ All right, yeah ♪ 305 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:36,306 ♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 306 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,974 [audience cheers] 307 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,476 [man 2] Whoo! 308 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,113 Good to see you, Alma. 309 00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:53,698 Have we met? 310 00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:56,493 [chuckles] Oh, okay, no high road? 311 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,204 Michelle Obama taught us nothing? 312 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,791 Surprised to see you all the way out here in the sticks, Ruby. 313 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,751 Wasn't that what you called us? 314 00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:09,256 I guess she'd know all about sticks. She has that big one stuck up her ass. 315 00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,008 You say that like it's a bad thing. 316 00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:14,302 [Alma] What are you even doing in Pittsburgh? 317 00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,847 I thought you were opening your own New York club. 318 00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:18,682 Oh, I am. 319 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:24,563 We're in the middle of huge renovations, [chuckling] and it is going to be major. 320 00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,357 [man] Here you go, Edie. 321 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:32,112 Oh, Ruby, girl, there are burgers at the bar. 322 00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,113 Are you hungry? 323 00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:34,030 I am. 324 00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:38,201 Take me. Come on. 325 00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:40,078 -Let's go. -[chuckles] 326 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:41,538 Okay. 327 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,040 [chuckles] Follow me. 328 00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:47,002 First kid I ever met who's a top. 329 00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:50,755 What's the T on the toddler? 330 00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,758 Mother's a hooker and a drug addict. 331 00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:57,179 -Hm, jealous. -But apparently she's MIA. 332 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,390 So, the kid stowed away in my RV, 333 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,767 and I'm trying to figure out what's best here. 334 00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:06,271 I mean, I can't just leave an orphan on the side of the road. 335 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:09,482 Wow, you're like Angelina Jolie. 336 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,067 If she ate. 337 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,403 You know... 338 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:16,948 I think I'll just do my makeup in the RV. 339 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:22,454 This room's more tense than a kitty cat in a box full of cucumbers. 340 00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:26,958 Hey, handsome. 341 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,424 Well... 342 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:37,385 there you are again. Hm. 343 00:19:38,929 --> 00:19:40,347 Time. Phone. 344 00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:52,025 That little thief. 345 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:17,676 Hey! 346 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:23,139 Don't touch my stuff! 347 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,518 I was looking for my phone. Where is it? 348 00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:29,104 I don't have your freaking phone! 349 00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:32,190 I know you clocked my security code. 350 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:33,942 ["Ruby Is Red Hot" ringtone playing] 351 00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:36,278 It's on the floor! 352 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,364 ♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪ 353 00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:41,366 -♪ Who-- ♪ -Hello? 354 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:43,410 Oh, hey. Hi, handsome. 355 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,829 Yes. I'll be ready. 356 00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:47,706 All right. 357 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,628 I'm sorry. 358 00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:57,882 But in my defense, it's the one thing of mine you haven't taken. 359 00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:03,013 It's Princess Jasmine, right? 360 00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,933 Love those pants. Always wanted some of those. 361 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:12,522 Do you have a Princess Jasmine doll because your name is Jasmine? 362 00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:19,487 Okay, one more question, and feel free to not answer it as well. 363 00:21:20,989 --> 00:21:21,948 Just go. 364 00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:23,867 Ask it. 365 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:25,368 Jesus. 366 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:33,460 Why are you always saying you want to be a boy, but then... 367 00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:36,296 hiding a doll in a sweat sock? 368 00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:39,341 I never said I wanted to be a boy. 369 00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,594 In the diner, you said you wanted to be a boy. 370 00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:43,511 No. 371 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,181 I said I didn't want to be a girl. 372 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,519 So, if you don't want to be a boy, why are you pretending to be one? 373 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:54,439 Because people leave boys alone. 374 00:21:55,857 --> 00:21:57,108 And I wasn't hiding this. 375 00:21:57,817 --> 00:22:00,862 -I was protecting it. -[Robert] Hm. 376 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:02,614 [chuckles] That's funny. 377 00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:08,036 I made my whole life about not letting people put me in a box, 378 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:10,121 and I go and put you into one. 379 00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:14,125 A forward-thinking, politically correct box, but... 380 00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:17,462 still a box nonetheless. 381 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:22,258 From now on... 382 00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:25,220 don't touch my stuff. 383 00:22:28,765 --> 00:22:30,392 What's wrong with being a girl? 384 00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:32,602 [AJ] Everything. 385 00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:35,063 Uh, can you narrow it down for me? 386 00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:41,277 Girls always do what people ask them to. Even... if they don't want to. 387 00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:43,863 I see. 388 00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:47,075 Well, not all girls do that, you know. 389 00:22:47,158 --> 00:22:49,953 Some girls learn how to draw boundaries. 390 00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,497 [sighs] Okay, here we go. 391 00:22:53,957 --> 00:22:54,958 Thanks, Oatmeal. 392 00:22:56,543 --> 00:22:59,045 [Robert] Well, I can tell you one great thing about being a girl. 393 00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:00,463 You grow up to be a woman. 394 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:04,884 And, these days women can be whatever they want to be. 395 00:23:05,677 --> 00:23:07,679 Yeah. Like a stripper... 396 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:09,347 or a hooker... 397 00:23:10,098 --> 00:23:11,099 or drug addict. 398 00:23:11,516 --> 00:23:14,519 [scoffs] Well, for every stripper, there's a... 399 00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,521 there's a woman doctor. 400 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:20,108 And for every drug addict, there's a Madame Curie... 401 00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:22,694 and a Justice Sotomayor. 402 00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:25,530 Beyoncé. 403 00:23:26,322 --> 00:23:27,657 Serena Williams. 404 00:23:28,950 --> 00:23:29,951 And, yes... 405 00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:31,786 yes, AJ, 406 00:23:32,871 --> 00:23:33,955 an Oprah. 407 00:23:35,331 --> 00:23:37,250 That's some crazy shit right there. 408 00:23:40,295 --> 00:23:43,256 -[excited chatter] -[dance music playing over club speakers] 409 00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,008 Hey, look, I'm just saying... 410 00:23:45,675 --> 00:23:49,762 that little girls, no matter how they start out, 411 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:53,808 can grow up to be strong, amazing... 412 00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:55,602 Wonder women. 413 00:23:56,686 --> 00:23:58,229 Wonder Woman's not real, yo. 414 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,650 Okay, well, I tried. 415 00:24:03,735 --> 00:24:05,778 [AJ]And you think I'm the one hiding things? 416 00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:07,906 You're the one who's hiding, dude. 417 00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:11,075 Telling that guy out there that you still have a club? 418 00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:13,995 [sighs] 419 00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:17,040 I'm starving. 420 00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:19,959 I thought they said they were gonna send me out a burger. 421 00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:22,128 Yeah. This is yours. 422 00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:34,766 -["100% Pure Love" playing] -[audience cheering] 423 00:24:52,075 --> 00:24:54,452 ♪ It's 12 past midnight ♪ 424 00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:56,496 ♪ Don't close your eyes ♪ 425 00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:58,414 ♪ Your soul's half alive ♪ 426 00:24:58,498 --> 00:25:00,333 ♪ And I'll be by your side ♪ 427 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,335 ♪ I've come to take you there... ♪ 428 00:25:02,794 --> 00:25:04,087 [AJ] Yo, man. What's up? 429 00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,547 Can I get a beer? 430 00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:07,382 Can I get arrested, Baby Jane? 431 00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:09,801 Okay. It's cool. 432 00:25:09,884 --> 00:25:11,469 No, not cool. 433 00:25:11,553 --> 00:25:13,888 Get your underage heinie backstage where it belongs. 434 00:25:13,972 --> 00:25:15,765 Relax, bro. I'm going. 435 00:25:16,474 --> 00:25:17,892 Here, have some popcorn. 436 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:19,435 That don't make it all right. 437 00:25:19,519 --> 00:25:20,645 [scoffs] 438 00:25:21,854 --> 00:25:23,773 That bachelorette party is buggin' me. 439 00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:26,526 Which bachelorette party? The girls or the gays? 440 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:31,072 -[chatting indistinctly] -[cheering and whooping] 441 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:33,658 Can you tell the difference? 442 00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:40,415 ♪ One hundred percent pure love ♪ 443 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:44,210 ♪ Did I hear you cry Or did you like the ride... ♪ 444 00:25:50,842 --> 00:25:54,887 Anything you want me to plug besides your new, better-than-us New York club? 445 00:25:57,890 --> 00:25:58,808 Actually... 446 00:25:59,559 --> 00:26:01,769 I have to tell you the truth about something. 447 00:26:02,854 --> 00:26:04,314 I was the better Tina Turner? 448 00:26:05,189 --> 00:26:07,108 No, I said I have to tell you the truth. 449 00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:10,653 I'm not going to have... 450 00:26:11,362 --> 00:26:12,363 a new club. 451 00:26:13,323 --> 00:26:14,824 The man I was in love with... 452 00:26:15,742 --> 00:26:18,202 scammed me out of all my money and took off. 453 00:26:19,203 --> 00:26:21,914 I only have what I'll make on this tour to live on. 454 00:26:23,207 --> 00:26:25,585 I am embarrassed... 455 00:26:27,045 --> 00:26:28,338 and devastated. 456 00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:30,715 And that's the truth. 457 00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:36,262 No, that's not the truth. 458 00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:38,264 The truth is... 459 00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,642 you're embarrassed and devastated... 460 00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:44,729 and I was the better Tina Turner. 461 00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:47,482 [both chuckle] 462 00:26:50,234 --> 00:26:51,319 [sighs] 463 00:26:52,570 --> 00:26:54,614 [audience cheers] 464 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,533 [announcer] Magda. 465 00:26:57,617 --> 00:27:00,787 -Give it up for Magda! -[bride-to-be retches] 466 00:27:02,413 --> 00:27:05,291 [audience laughs and cheers] 467 00:27:05,375 --> 00:27:07,502 -[man] Yeah! -So sorry. 468 00:27:08,378 --> 00:27:10,838 Oh, my God. [crying] Oh, my God! 469 00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:15,843 I'm getting married. I'm sorry. 470 00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:17,220 Wonder women. 471 00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:24,268 You know what? Actually, put someone else on before me. 472 00:27:24,352 --> 00:27:25,978 I'm gonna do a different number. 473 00:27:26,604 --> 00:27:29,107 -[bride-to-be] Sorry. -This is your big crowd-pleaser. 474 00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:33,653 Well, tonight, I'm looking to hit a smaller demographic. 475 00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:39,450 [sobbing] I told you not to let me have more than three! 476 00:27:39,701 --> 00:27:40,910 [men chuckling] 477 00:27:40,993 --> 00:27:43,371 I'm not coming out there till that's cleaned up. 478 00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:46,666 -[knocking on door] -[Louis] Coming. 479 00:27:48,126 --> 00:27:49,335 [lock clicks] 480 00:27:50,962 --> 00:27:53,339 You kept me waiting a long time. 481 00:27:53,423 --> 00:27:55,675 Uh, yeah, sorry, it takes me longer to get around. 482 00:27:55,758 --> 00:27:56,801 I'm blind. 483 00:27:56,884 --> 00:28:00,054 Yeah, I remember. Last time, you tried to get disability discount. 484 00:28:00,138 --> 00:28:03,433 I was like, "Wow, this blind lady thinks I take coupons." 485 00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,935 Well, tonight's not about me. It's about my friend. 486 00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:07,770 She's from out of town. 487 00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,733 Hello, I'm Daphne. 488 00:28:12,859 --> 00:28:14,694 Should have brought the bigger bag. 489 00:28:16,446 --> 00:28:17,280 Okay. 490 00:28:20,533 --> 00:28:22,368 Okay, CD. CD. 491 00:28:26,122 --> 00:28:26,956 Right. 492 00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:31,586 ["Ruby Is Red Hot" ringtone playing] ♪ Ruby is red hot ♪ 493 00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:34,422 What happened, Louis? 494 00:28:34,922 --> 00:28:36,883 [over speakerphone] This is Officer Patrick Kennedy. 495 00:28:36,966 --> 00:28:39,552 Louis is otherwise engaged. 496 00:28:40,303 --> 00:28:44,265 I-I got her to flip after we promised not to book her on the drug charge. 497 00:28:44,474 --> 00:28:47,852 Oh, Louis, I don't... I don't think I have any makeup down there. 498 00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:48,936 Oh, you don't? 499 00:28:49,479 --> 00:28:51,230 Sometimes foundation travels. 500 00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:53,524 [both chuckle] 501 00:28:53,608 --> 00:28:57,028 Uh, it turns out it was Lady Danger who told him about your money. 502 00:28:57,570 --> 00:29:00,156 And I suspect that they worked the grift together. 503 00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:01,199 Grift? 504 00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:02,825 I've been grifted? 505 00:29:02,909 --> 00:29:07,288 Like those sad ladies who send all their money to Ethiopian boyfriends? 506 00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:11,083 Yeah. Yeah, it seems that these two target older drag queens with cash. 507 00:29:11,459 --> 00:29:13,878 They're an easy mark because they're mostly all alone 508 00:29:13,961 --> 00:29:16,339 and desperate for someone to love them. 509 00:29:17,131 --> 00:29:19,133 [mournful piano music plays] 510 00:29:21,344 --> 00:29:22,637 Robert, you still there? 511 00:29:25,056 --> 00:29:26,224 Yeah, sure. 512 00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:28,142 So, what now? 513 00:29:28,643 --> 00:29:30,353 Well, uh, she gave up his address, 514 00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:33,856 so we, um... we pick him up and we book him on grand larceny. 515 00:29:33,940 --> 00:29:37,068 And then we book her on those 53 delinquent parking tickets. 516 00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:39,695 Uh, can... can you get my money back? 517 00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:41,948 I'll know when I get there. 518 00:29:42,490 --> 00:29:44,617 Well, what are you waiting for? Go! 519 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:47,203 He's not going anywhere without revitalizing toner. 520 00:29:50,665 --> 00:29:51,833 What's all that? 521 00:29:51,916 --> 00:29:54,252 The stuff for Ruby's number. [clears throat] 522 00:29:54,961 --> 00:29:59,757 Oh, here, will you give this to Donny in the sound booth? 523 00:29:59,841 --> 00:30:05,346 I would, but he still hasn't forgiven me for that time I roofied him. [chuckles] 524 00:30:05,429 --> 00:30:07,431 [patrons chattering and cheering] 525 00:30:09,267 --> 00:30:12,395 -[Edie] Hey, everyone! -[audience cheers] 526 00:30:12,478 --> 00:30:15,815 Uh, heads up. Half this audience wasn't even born 527 00:30:15,898 --> 00:30:18,985 when The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas was on Broadway. 528 00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:21,612 And why are you doing a number we used to do in the old show? 529 00:30:22,196 --> 00:30:23,573 I have one big reason. 530 00:30:24,532 --> 00:30:26,576 Actually, a little reason. 531 00:30:27,827 --> 00:30:30,162 [Edie] Okay, okay. Okay, okay! 532 00:30:30,913 --> 00:30:34,333 This next act is amazing, 533 00:30:34,417 --> 00:30:37,628 and she came all the way from the Big Apple. 534 00:30:37,712 --> 00:30:44,343 So please try not to projectile vomit directly on her! 535 00:30:44,427 --> 00:30:46,846 [audience and Edie laugh] 536 00:30:46,929 --> 00:30:50,099 Give it up for my second favorite ginger... 537 00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:53,227 -[audience laughs] -...Ruby Red. 538 00:30:53,311 --> 00:30:54,937 [audience cheers] 539 00:30:56,105 --> 00:30:58,107 ["Girl, You're A Woman" playing] 540 00:31:01,152 --> 00:31:02,862 -[man 1] Yeah! -[woman] Ruby! 541 00:31:02,945 --> 00:31:03,863 [man 2] Ruby! 542 00:31:07,950 --> 00:31:08,826 ♪ Girl ♪ 543 00:31:09,452 --> 00:31:10,453 ♪ Get a hold now ♪ 544 00:31:11,495 --> 00:31:12,371 ♪ Straighten up ♪ 545 00:31:12,997 --> 00:31:14,081 ♪ Look alive ♪ 546 00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:16,626 ♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪ 547 00:31:17,752 --> 00:31:18,961 ♪ You'll survive ♪ 548 00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:24,467 ♪ Remember one good thing When you are moving on ♪ 549 00:31:24,550 --> 00:31:27,803 ♪ Is wonderin' what you'll find ♪ 550 00:31:27,887 --> 00:31:30,973 ♪ And one good thing About a past that's gone ♪ 551 00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:34,352 ♪ Is leavin' it behind ♪ 552 00:31:34,435 --> 00:31:38,522 ♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪ 553 00:31:39,065 --> 00:31:40,816 ♪ Keep your head up high, girl ♪ 554 00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:45,529 ♪ You're a woman ♪ 555 00:31:46,197 --> 00:31:48,407 -♪ Look 'em in the eye, girl ♪ -[audience laughs] 556 00:31:48,491 --> 00:31:52,453 -♪ You're a woman ♪ -[man 3] Yeah! 557 00:31:52,536 --> 00:31:55,831 ♪ Startin' on your way ♪ 558 00:31:55,957 --> 00:32:01,671 ♪ Girl, I think this is your lucky day ♪ 559 00:32:04,006 --> 00:32:05,091 ♪ Pull it in now ♪ 560 00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:06,884 ♪ Stand up tall ♪ 561 00:32:07,593 --> 00:32:09,595 -♪ Look real proud ♪ -[man 4] Oh, yeah. 562 00:32:09,679 --> 00:32:12,390 -[audience laughs] -♪ Girl, no more cryin' ♪ 563 00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:14,266 ♪ Not out loud ♪ 564 00:32:15,393 --> 00:32:19,689 ♪ Remember, one good thing About the tears you shed ♪ 565 00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:22,942 ♪ Oh, you won't do that no more ♪ 566 00:32:23,025 --> 00:32:26,529 ♪ And one good thing About a dream that's dead ♪ 567 00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:30,324 ♪ You're wiser than before ♪ 568 00:32:33,911 --> 00:32:38,582 ♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪ 569 00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:41,544 ♪ Keep your head up high, girl ♪ 570 00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:45,381 ♪ You're a woman ♪ 571 00:32:45,881 --> 00:32:48,342 ♪ Look 'em in the eye, girl ♪ 572 00:32:48,426 --> 00:32:52,138 ♪ You're a woman ♪ 573 00:32:52,221 --> 00:32:55,516 ♪ Startin' on your way ♪ 574 00:32:55,599 --> 00:33:01,605 ♪ Girl, I think this is your lucky day ♪ 575 00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:05,776 ♪ All she needs Is a little bit of fixin' up ♪ 576 00:33:06,819 --> 00:33:09,071 ♪ To pull herself together ♪ 577 00:33:09,155 --> 00:33:12,491 ♪ She'd be pretty if she'd only try ♪ 578 00:33:12,575 --> 00:33:14,827 ♪ To pull herself together ♪ 579 00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:16,537 ♪ And I'll help her ♪ 580 00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:20,416 ♪ It's as easy as can be ♪ 581 00:33:20,958 --> 00:33:23,044 ♪ Pretty soon ♪ 582 00:33:23,127 --> 00:33:25,546 -♪ She's gonna look a lot like me ♪ -[audience laughs] 583 00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:27,548 ♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪ 584 00:33:27,631 --> 00:33:30,092 ♪ All she needs Is a little bit of fixing up ♪ 585 00:33:30,176 --> 00:33:32,553 ♪ Keep your head up high, girl ♪ 586 00:33:32,636 --> 00:33:36,098 ♪ You're a woman ♪ 587 00:33:36,182 --> 00:33:38,601 ♪ Look 'em in the eye, girl ♪ 588 00:33:39,185 --> 00:33:42,563 ♪ You're a woman ♪ 589 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,691 ♪ Startin' on your way ♪ 590 00:33:45,775 --> 00:33:51,155 ♪ Girl, I think this is your lucky day. ♪ 591 00:33:56,869 --> 00:33:59,288 Hey. You want a date? 592 00:34:02,583 --> 00:34:04,001 -Shit. -[officer] Take it easy. 593 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,004 Oh, no, no. No, I need my phone. 594 00:34:07,546 --> 00:34:10,299 No, I-- I need my phone! Give me my phone! 595 00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:13,177 -[siren wails] -Get me my phone. No, no, no, no, no! 596 00:34:13,761 --> 00:34:17,181 I need my-- Tianna? Tianna, girl, get my phone! 597 00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:19,767 It's the only way I can get in touch with my daughter. 598 00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:21,310 -Please! -[officer] Come on! 599 00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:23,604 [panting] No! No! 600 00:34:23,687 --> 00:34:25,689 -[cell doors slam] -[crying softly] 601 00:34:25,773 --> 00:34:28,859 -[indistinct police radio chatter] -[indistinct conversations] 602 00:34:33,447 --> 00:34:38,786 ♪ You're a woman ♪ 603 00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:44,625 ♪ Startin' on your way ♪ 604 00:34:56,554 --> 00:34:58,556 -[excited chatter] -[dance music playing] 605 00:35:02,226 --> 00:35:04,228 [patrons cheer] 606 00:35:14,530 --> 00:35:15,489 Ooh. 607 00:35:26,584 --> 00:35:27,626 Why did you do that? 608 00:35:28,377 --> 00:35:29,587 I'm not like you. 609 00:35:31,088 --> 00:35:32,840 I don't want to be pretty. 610 00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:41,432 Where should I sleep? 611 00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:44,768 We gotta get up early to go get my phone. 612 00:35:46,145 --> 00:35:47,438 You can fit up here. 613 00:35:51,358 --> 00:35:54,528 But... but you gotta clean up that... hair first. 614 00:36:02,870 --> 00:36:05,372 -[rap music playing on stereo] -[Damien panting] 615 00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:08,792 -[pounding on door] -[Damien grunts] 616 00:36:08,876 --> 00:36:09,835 [Patrick] NYPD! 617 00:36:11,128 --> 00:36:13,380 -[Damien grunts] -[Patrick] Open up! 618 00:36:16,300 --> 00:36:18,844 Damien Sanchez, we know you're in there. Open up. 619 00:36:18,928 --> 00:36:23,182 [in Spanish] Don't open that door! Okay? Don't open it for anything. 620 00:36:23,265 --> 00:36:24,558 [pounding on door continues] 621 00:36:28,938 --> 00:36:31,523 -[rapid knocking on door] -[Patrick, in English] Open up! 622 00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:36,862 [gentle acoustic guitar music playing] 623 00:36:59,718 --> 00:37:01,095 [music fades] 624 00:37:04,473 --> 00:37:06,892 -[chuckles] -[train horn blows in distance] 625 00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:14,233 [laughs softly] 626 00:37:16,318 --> 00:37:18,904 [gasps, sighs] 627 00:37:19,405 --> 00:37:20,823 Why are you smiling, freak? 628 00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:24,326 I was dreaming you weren't here. 629 00:37:26,078 --> 00:37:27,663 [cell phone ringing] 630 00:37:32,751 --> 00:37:35,879 [takes a deep breath] Girl? Oh, girl. 631 00:37:35,963 --> 00:37:37,423 Higher, Louis. I can't see you. 632 00:37:37,506 --> 00:37:39,925 -[Louis] Girl. -[Robert] Uh, over to the left. 633 00:37:40,301 --> 00:37:42,011 -[Louis] Girl. -[Robert] No, no, your left. 634 00:37:42,094 --> 00:37:43,095 Grrrrrrrl. 635 00:37:43,178 --> 00:37:45,764 [Robert chuckles] No, you've gone too far. Go back. 636 00:37:46,140 --> 00:37:47,766 Okay, stop. Stop right there. 637 00:37:48,267 --> 00:37:50,477 Louis, what... what's wrong? You look upset. 638 00:37:50,561 --> 00:37:52,521 Girl, he was just here. 639 00:37:53,147 --> 00:37:55,190 I opened the door thinking it was Old Lady Sweeney, 640 00:37:55,274 --> 00:37:56,275 and it was him. 641 00:37:56,358 --> 00:37:57,192 Who? 642 00:37:57,276 --> 00:37:58,235 [Louis] The devil! 643 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:00,154 What? 644 00:38:00,237 --> 00:38:02,698 [Louis] Yes, girl, and he was mad. 645 00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,700 He put his hands all over me. 646 00:38:05,034 --> 00:38:07,244 [whines] I mean, I was manhandled. 647 00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:09,204 And not in the good way. 648 00:38:09,288 --> 00:38:11,498 Wait. Oh... oh, my God, Louis. Are you okay? 649 00:38:11,582 --> 00:38:12,416 [Louis] Yes, girl. 650 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,002 But, girl, I'm all shook up. 651 00:38:15,085 --> 00:38:16,670 He was here with Lady Danger. 652 00:38:17,046 --> 00:38:19,506 They wanted to know where you were, but I would not tell them. 653 00:38:19,590 --> 00:38:20,883 Mm-mm. No, ma'am. 654 00:38:21,133 --> 00:38:24,261 -He-- They wanted to know where I was? -[Louis] Mm-hmm. 655 00:38:24,345 --> 00:38:29,016 Yes, ma'am, but I said to him, "I will never tell where she is. 656 00:38:29,099 --> 00:38:31,268 Lord God, I will not tell." 657 00:38:31,769 --> 00:38:32,728 [Robert] Oh, my God, Louis-- 658 00:38:32,811 --> 00:38:34,772 Don't worry, I did not tell them you were in Pittsburgh. 659 00:38:34,855 --> 00:38:36,482 -Louis! -[Louis] Calm down. 660 00:38:36,565 --> 00:38:38,317 I did not tell 'em you were doin' a two-night gig 661 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:39,777 at the Pittsburgh Pipeline. 662 00:38:39,860 --> 00:38:41,653 [sniffs] Uh... I smell Gucci. 663 00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:44,198 [gasps, screams] 664 00:38:44,698 --> 00:38:46,575 So you couldn't just leave it alone? 665 00:38:46,658 --> 00:38:49,745 Couldn't take it like a man and had to go crying to the cops? 666 00:38:50,788 --> 00:38:52,623 Well, you really screwed up my life. 667 00:38:52,706 --> 00:38:55,834 so now I'm gonna come down there and screw up your pretty face. 668 00:38:57,044 --> 00:38:59,671 [clicks tongue] Wow. 669 00:39:00,339 --> 00:39:02,549 You made a big mistake, girl. 670 00:39:03,175 --> 00:39:04,301 See you soon. 671 00:39:09,390 --> 00:39:11,558 [dogs barking] 672 00:39:13,310 --> 00:39:14,144 Louis? 673 00:39:14,937 --> 00:39:16,563 They're gone. Pick up the phone. 674 00:39:17,564 --> 00:39:18,607 Pick it up, Louis. 675 00:39:19,983 --> 00:39:20,984 The other way. 676 00:39:22,027 --> 00:39:23,987 Louis, you keep going the wrong way! 677 00:39:24,071 --> 00:39:25,489 Ah, well, I'm blind, bitch! 678 00:39:25,823 --> 00:39:28,409 [grunting] 679 00:39:29,284 --> 00:39:31,745 They're comin' for me. What do we do? 680 00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:34,540 We get the F out of Pittsburgh. 681 00:39:35,207 --> 00:39:36,708 ["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing] 682 00:39:43,257 --> 00:39:46,677 -[motor rumbles] -[tires screech] 683 00:39:48,345 --> 00:39:50,556 ♪ Down and out and lost and found ♪ 684 00:39:50,931 --> 00:39:53,684 ♪ Had to pick myself up off the ground ♪ 685 00:39:54,226 --> 00:39:56,562 ♪ Saw the light, got turned around ♪ 686 00:39:57,020 --> 00:40:00,190 ♪ Never gonna be, no more, no more, no ♪ 687 00:40:00,274 --> 00:40:02,943 ♪ Long nights, winter blues ♪ 688 00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:05,028 ♪ Already paid the dues... ♪ 689 00:40:05,112 --> 00:40:08,699 He said he's gonna screw up my face. That's my second favorite body part. 690 00:40:08,782 --> 00:40:11,577 You know you're driving on the wrong side of the street, right? 691 00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:14,788 -Huh? -[horn blares] 692 00:40:14,872 --> 00:40:16,582 [tires screech] 693 00:40:16,665 --> 00:40:18,083 [Robert takes a deep breath] 694 00:40:18,167 --> 00:40:19,042 Seat belt. 695 00:40:20,627 --> 00:40:24,089 -♪ Got what she got? ♪ -♪ Nobody, nobody ♪ 696 00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:36,643 Oh. 697 00:40:37,144 --> 00:40:39,396 -[breathing heavily] -Breathe. 698 00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:43,233 -Breathe. -Would you please stop saying that? 699 00:40:43,317 --> 00:40:46,862 Yes, I freaked out in Pittsburgh, but I'm fine now. 700 00:40:48,071 --> 00:40:49,114 Fine now? 701 00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:53,076 Five minutes ago, you almost ran over the guy selling oranges on the highway. 702 00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:56,413 Well, he surprised me. And what was he even doing there? 703 00:40:56,497 --> 00:40:59,249 Is an off-ramp on the Pennsylvania Turnpike 704 00:40:59,333 --> 00:41:01,752 the new hot spot for citrus sales? 705 00:41:02,628 --> 00:41:06,465 Jesus, where are you going? Let's go get my phone. 706 00:41:06,965 --> 00:41:11,470 I am not wearing a kimono into a diner in rural Pennsylvania. 707 00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:15,432 If I had that much of a death wish, I would have waited in Pittsburgh. 708 00:41:17,392 --> 00:41:19,061 -[server] Okay, yeah. -[Robert] Come on. 709 00:41:19,144 --> 00:41:21,104 -[server] This way. Enjoy. -[woman] Great. Thanks. 710 00:41:22,940 --> 00:41:26,193 [hostess] Jensen, party of five. Jensen, party of five. 711 00:41:29,488 --> 00:41:32,574 [Lady Danger] Wow, look at all this butter! 712 00:41:32,658 --> 00:41:34,826 I said no butter on the English muffin. 713 00:41:34,910 --> 00:41:36,828 Look at all this. It's too much butter. 714 00:41:36,912 --> 00:41:39,623 -[hostess] Jensen, party of five. -[AJ] What-- What are you doing? 715 00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:40,707 -What's wrong? -[gasps] 716 00:41:41,458 --> 00:41:44,127 He's here. In the booth in the back. 717 00:41:46,171 --> 00:41:47,798 -[AJ] That's him? -[Robert] Yeah. 718 00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:49,341 With the lady with the eye patch. 719 00:41:49,424 --> 00:41:52,094 [takes deep breath] Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? 720 00:41:52,177 --> 00:41:53,428 [AJ] Okay, stay here. 721 00:41:53,512 --> 00:41:54,888 I'll get my phone. 722 00:41:54,972 --> 00:41:56,098 They don't know me. 723 00:41:56,598 --> 00:41:58,892 Don't worry. I was built for this shit. 724 00:42:03,855 --> 00:42:06,441 -You heard me say, "No butter," right? -Enough with the butter! 725 00:42:07,067 --> 00:42:09,528 I'm gonna lose my mind with you and the butter. 726 00:42:11,363 --> 00:42:13,657 There's my little man. 727 00:42:13,740 --> 00:42:14,908 Here's your phone. 728 00:42:14,992 --> 00:42:17,578 -[cook] Florence, pick it up. -Oh, that's for me. 729 00:42:21,123 --> 00:42:22,749 [hostess] Miller, party of two. 730 00:42:24,710 --> 00:42:26,378 [Damien] Just eat it already. 731 00:42:26,461 --> 00:42:28,297 I want to get there and get this over with. 732 00:42:28,380 --> 00:42:31,008 It's bad enough I had to wait for you to go home and change. 733 00:42:31,091 --> 00:42:32,759 [Lady Danger] Hey, don't take it out on me. 734 00:42:32,843 --> 00:42:34,845 I'm not the one that sold you out. 735 00:42:34,928 --> 00:42:38,682 I gave them your mother's address. She's the one that turned you in. 736 00:42:39,182 --> 00:42:41,602 She's still pissed I never got her that lap band. 737 00:42:41,685 --> 00:42:44,187 I get it. That's a big disappointment. 738 00:42:45,439 --> 00:42:47,941 People freak out about cosmetic procedures. 739 00:42:48,025 --> 00:42:50,235 I once had a queen pull a gun on me. 740 00:42:50,319 --> 00:42:52,321 Let it go. You got other shit to deal with. 741 00:42:52,779 --> 00:42:55,407 [Damien] But still, turn me in? It hurts. 742 00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:00,621 You want something, kid? 743 00:43:02,331 --> 00:43:03,915 -[bell rings] -[cook] Pick it up. 744 00:43:03,999 --> 00:43:06,585 [hostess] Jensen, party of five, final call. 745 00:43:07,419 --> 00:43:09,671 Jensen, party of five. Final call. 746 00:43:11,006 --> 00:43:11,923 Go, go! 747 00:43:12,007 --> 00:43:14,509 ["Walk It Off" playing] 748 00:43:14,593 --> 00:43:16,178 Come on, come on! Hurry! 749 00:43:17,471 --> 00:43:19,890 How is it possible that he's here? 750 00:43:19,973 --> 00:43:23,226 You said everyone stops for pancakes on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. 751 00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:26,647 -There's his car. How did I not see that? -Which one? 752 00:43:26,730 --> 00:43:28,774 The red one that looks like it belongs to a pimp. 753 00:43:28,857 --> 00:43:30,817 How did I not ever see that that was a pimp car? 754 00:43:30,901 --> 00:43:32,444 It's so clearly a pimp car! 755 00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:36,531 [air hisses] 756 00:43:36,615 --> 00:43:37,866 ♪ Walk, walk... ♪ 757 00:43:37,949 --> 00:43:39,326 What are you doing? 758 00:43:39,868 --> 00:43:40,702 Payback! 759 00:43:40,786 --> 00:43:42,245 AJ, stop. 760 00:43:42,329 --> 00:43:44,790 -He loves that car. -[air hisses] 761 00:43:44,873 --> 00:43:46,041 Come on, let's go. 762 00:43:46,124 --> 00:43:49,503 Let's go before he comes out here and cuts off my first favorite body part. 763 00:43:49,586 --> 00:43:52,005 -Come on! -[grunts] It was stuck! 764 00:43:52,756 --> 00:43:54,216 And don't run with a knife. 765 00:43:59,888 --> 00:44:01,181 -[grunts] -[tapping on window] 766 00:44:03,642 --> 00:44:05,227 [Robert] Oh, my God. Oh, Lord. 767 00:44:08,105 --> 00:44:10,148 [panting] 768 00:44:10,565 --> 00:44:12,150 This is insane. 769 00:44:12,234 --> 00:44:13,318 Jesus. 770 00:44:13,819 --> 00:44:15,487 This is all crazy. 771 00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:17,447 Seriously crazy. 772 00:44:17,531 --> 00:44:19,658 What happened to my life? 773 00:44:20,742 --> 00:44:24,121 I don't like this. I don't want any of this. 774 00:44:24,204 --> 00:44:27,541 We should go before they come out here. 775 00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:31,294 I just want to listen to my Oprah tapes and get my life back on track. 776 00:44:32,212 --> 00:44:34,798 Look, that guy in there, he's coming for you 777 00:44:34,881 --> 00:44:36,800 and he means business. 778 00:44:37,384 --> 00:44:39,678 And you think this is going to help you? 779 00:44:40,512 --> 00:44:43,056 It's from 1986! 780 00:44:43,140 --> 00:44:45,892 This crap doesn't work anymore. 781 00:44:46,435 --> 00:44:47,686 [tape clatters] 782 00:44:48,019 --> 00:44:50,021 So stop thinking like a pussy 783 00:44:50,105 --> 00:44:52,774 and start acting like a man. 784 00:44:53,650 --> 00:44:54,484 Go! 785 00:44:55,944 --> 00:44:57,779 Okay, but, first, you listen. 786 00:44:58,739 --> 00:44:59,906 Don't get it twisted. 787 00:44:59,990 --> 00:45:03,201 Just because I make a gorgeous woman doesn't mean I'm not a man. 788 00:45:03,285 --> 00:45:05,787 So never say that to me again. 789 00:45:05,871 --> 00:45:06,705 And, second... 790 00:45:07,289 --> 00:45:11,001 you go out and bring back Oprah. 791 00:45:11,501 --> 00:45:13,962 You are very, very wrong about her. 792 00:45:14,755 --> 00:45:15,714 Go! 793 00:45:15,922 --> 00:45:17,549 [AJ] I'm going. God. 794 00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:23,680 [Robert] Come on. Come on. 795 00:45:30,771 --> 00:45:31,813 Close your door. 796 00:45:35,942 --> 00:45:36,777 Lock it. 797 00:45:38,487 --> 00:45:40,405 Okay. All right. 798 00:45:40,489 --> 00:45:42,073 Are you taking me to Texas? 799 00:45:42,574 --> 00:45:45,285 I'll take you as far as my next gig, then we can talk. 800 00:45:46,203 --> 00:45:47,078 Buckle up. 801 00:45:53,502 --> 00:45:54,628 [whispers] Let's go. 802 00:45:55,504 --> 00:45:57,422 -[engine starts] -["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing] 803 00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:11,686 [smashing echoes] 804 00:46:13,396 --> 00:46:15,315 ["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing] ♪ Read my lips, see what I said ♪ 805 00:46:15,398 --> 00:46:17,317 ♪ You look hungry, ain't been fed ♪ 806 00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:20,237 ♪ See that queen? Try her instead Got a man up in my bed ♪ 807 00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:23,323 ♪ Champagne bubbles in your head But that credit score is dead ♪ 808 00:46:23,406 --> 00:46:26,117 ♪ Library's open, and you have been read ♪ 809 00:46:41,591 --> 00:46:43,885 ♪ Down and out and lost and found ♪ 810 00:46:44,177 --> 00:46:46,847 ♪ Had to pick myself up off the ground ♪ 811 00:46:47,389 --> 00:46:49,474 ♪ Saw the light, got turned around ♪ 812 00:46:50,058 --> 00:46:53,353 ♪ Never gonna be, no more, no more, no ♪ 813 00:46:53,436 --> 00:46:56,147 ♪ Long nights, winter blues ♪ 814 00:46:56,231 --> 00:46:58,233 ♪ Already paid the dues ♪ 815 00:46:59,442 --> 00:47:04,322 ♪ I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude ♪ 816 00:47:05,490 --> 00:47:08,702 -♪ Ruby is red hot ♪ -♪ Red hot ♪ 817 00:47:08,785 --> 00:47:11,413 -♪ Hot fire nonstop ♪ -♪ Burnin' up ♪ 818 00:47:11,496 --> 00:47:14,374 ♪ Who got what I got? Oh, baby, baby ♪ 819 00:47:14,457 --> 00:47:17,377 ♪ Nobody, nobody ♪