[twinkling chimes]
[dramatic instrumental music playing]
[AJ] Why does everything have to move so slow?
It really pisses me off when I have to wait for shit to happen.
I mean, come on. I'm ten.
I need to get where I gotta be.
Does it ever take a breath?
-It didn't on the first plate. -[chuckles]
Well, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go call America's Got Talent.
[both laugh]
Lookin' good, Florence.
Why, thank you.
I'm back on Weight Watchers.
I can tell, girl.
-[kisses] -[Robert laughs]
-[bell rings] -[cook] Order up.
[hostess] Tom, party of four.
Good, huh?
This place is famous for their pancakes.
Everybody passing by on the Pennsylvania Turnpike
makes a point to stop here
-and get a taste of those pancakes. -[cell phone beeps]
Oh, good story.
Okay, so... questions.
Yeah. When do we get to Texas?
No, I meant I have some questions. Like...
why do you dress like a boy?
Why do you dress like a girl?
[Robert] Well...
I'm a performer, and that's how I make my living.
-[AJ tapping phone] -That's why I do it.
Why do you do it?
Do you want to be a boy?
Do you want to be a girl?
No, no, I don't wanna be a girl.
I don't want to be a girl either.
Oh. Okay.
Well, kiddo...
you can be whoever you want to be around me.
I've been told my whole life who I can't--
Yeah, yeah. Are you taking me to Texas or not?
I was speaking. That was rude.
And you've got blueberry syrup on your face.
[AJ] So?
Wipe it off.
Don't tell me what to do. You're not my mother.
Correct. I'm not your mother.
I'm a drag queen on a cross-country tour.
So unless you're a pair of fake boobs or roll of duct tape,
you really don't belong in the back of my RV.
-[bell pings] -[cook] Order up.
There.
Now when do we get to Texas?
[Robert] Okay, stop looking at your phone,
and let's have a real conversation about this.
[AJ] That's my property.
Don't touch my property, man.
Said the person who kicked in my apartment window and stole all my cash.
Just talk.
Go!
Is your name really even AJ?
What does it stand for?
Amber Jasmine.
My mom named me after her stripper friend and a racist Disney cartoon.
Okay, well, listen, I...
Okay, how do I get in contact with your mother?
I don't know.
Put a couple of oxys in your hand, hold it out.
Maybe she'll come running.
Okay, look, I cannot take you to Texas.
I appreciate your situation, I really do,
but I am not the fix here.
We need to take you to the state police,
down here off the turnpike
and have them help us figure out what's best here.
How's that sound?
Like shit.
Take me to Texas...
or I'll tell the waitress you touched me.
I'm a little white girl. You're a big black man.
[inhales sharply, whispers] That's not gonna go good for you.
What is wrong with you?
Take me to Texas...
or I'll tell the waitress you touched me.
Okay, go ahead. She knows me. She would never believe--
-Miss, this man-- -Stop! Stop!
She don't know me that well.
Do you need something, darling?
I don't know.
Do I?
No.
Just the check, Florence. We've gotta hit the road.
Yeah. We're going to Texas.
[Florence] Whoo-wee, Texas!
[Robert] Jesus.
You're like that Chucky doll.
But not as nice.
[hostess] Jones, party of four.
I'll take you as far as my next gig in Pittsburgh, but this isn't over.
We're having many more conversations about it.
You left her a ten-dollar tip. That's too much.
Give her a buck.
The woman is 60 years old, on her feet all day,
waiting on little psychopaths like you.
Ten is not nearly enough.
See you next time, Florence.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Look, the kid'll be coming back from the bathroom, so I can't talk long.
I'm on a time thing, too.
Officer Muscles arrives in an hour to get ready for the Lady Danger sting.
I want my face to be glowing.
Louis, he's coming there to try to get a lead on my money.
Not to be your new BF.
I spent $7.95 on this face peel.
I can make this shit happen,
'cause I'm irresistible, bitch.
Now how about that kid?
How'd he end up in your RV anyhow?
Well, for starters, he is a her.
She identifies as a boy.
Or, actually, I'm not sure where he or she or they is on the gender non-binary scale.
[Louis] It was so much simpler when we were growing up.
There were just two choices. Sissy or tomboy, you're done.
Yeah, well, Louis, you have to respect people's gender issues.
Bitch, all your shit just got stole!
You ain't gotta respect people's anything.
Look, this is turning into a very heavy scene.
The kid has no one looking out for her
and she wants me to take her to her grandfather in Texas.
Be strong, girl. There are two types of people in this world.
Those that see a stray dog on the road and have to pick it up...
and those that drive right on by.
And which one am I?
The type that takes the damn dog to Texas.
No. Mm-mm. No way. I won't.
-[knocking on door] -Oh, hold on.
I think that's Old Lady Sweeney from next door
here for them Quaker Oats you get her.
It's in the cabinet,
next to the Jenny Craig you pretend you can never find.
Oh, so now I'm pretending I'm blind?
Ms. Sweeney?
-No. It's Officer Patrick Kennedy. -[kettle whistles]
Uh, be right there. [grunts]
He's here, bitch.
I'm not ready.
[Robert] Okay, so call me right after
and tell me everything you learn about Hector.
I mean Damien.
I gotta go. I'm here for you.
Unless you call me from Texas.
[grunts]
You're early.
Yeah, I, uh...
hope it's okay. I came right from the gym.
Why go all the way uptown, then back home?
[chuckles]
You've got white shit smeared all over your face.
Do I?
[mournful piano music playing]
Steal anything from that convenience store?
-No. -Open your jacket.
Open it.
I'll be right back.
[AJ chuckles] Sucker.
...and that this is your best friend, and he feels you're his best friend.
I... I have best friends, female and, uh, male,
whom I really do believe that we're soulmates.
I do believe that soulmates come in the form of something other than,
you know, you have to walk down the altar with that person. I mean...
Did you have a nice nap?
[Oprah] We have to start--
How could anyone sleep with Oatmeal talking that bullshit the whole way?
[Oprah] ...soulful relationships
does not necessarily mean we have to go down the aisle with that.
There are two things are gonna get you put out right on the side of the road.
Stealing any more of my shit.
And saying anything bad about Oprah.
That woman is my lifeline.
She's the only way I'm coming back from this disaster.
Why'd you ever give that guy your credit card?
I thought we were in love.
What an asshole.
Me or him?
[AJ] It's not here.
What isn't?
It's not here!
-What isn't? -My phone!
You put it at the table, and you left it there!
Go back! Turn around!
No. We are two hours away from that diner.
You have to go get it. I need my phone!
Go back! Turn around!
I can't. I'm gonna be late for my show.
No one cares about your stupid show!
Hey!
-[tires screech] -[car horn honks]
-[Robert] Hey! -[AJ] Turn around!
-[Robert] Stop! -[AJ] I need my phone!
I need my phone!
I need it!
Enough!
Breathe.
-Jeez. -[AJ sighs]
I will call the diner.
What's so important about your stupid goddamn phone anyway?
[phone dialing]
Williamsport Diner on Interstate 80.
You know, I can change that code anytime I want to. And I do frequently.
Hi. Uh, I'd like to speak with Florence, the waitress. [sniffles]
Hi, Florence.
I was in there a couple of hours ago.
You know, the guy with the kid and the pancakes.
Yeah, that's the phone.
Listen, we're gonna swing back around there tomorrow
and pick it up, okay?
What... what's that? You're gonna keep it safe for us?
Thank you so much.
And that is why you overtip.
[Robert sighs]
[Robert] Oh, my God. You just went from, like, zero to ten.
[AJ] I learned two things that first day on the road:
America has a lot of mattress factories,
and life sucks even more without your phone.
A little after six,
we rolled into a dumpster fire called the Pittsburgh Pipeline.
Like it or not, this rainbow-covered shitshow
was the thing standing between me and my phone.
[brakes squeak]
What's that smell?
[sniffs] Mm, that's gay bar.
I love the smell of gay bar in the afternoon.
You're going to love Pittsburgh.
Everyone here is so friendly. It's like going back in time.
Ruby!
To the '80s.
-Here's my girl. -Hi, handsome.
Mwah! Mwah!
Well, look what the pussy dragged in. [chuckles]
And you have a child?
I knew closing those Planned Parenthood clinics would create a problem.
[both laugh]
Mwah. Mwah.
Girl, this is AJ.
AJ, this is Magda,
-one of Pittsburgh's finest queens. -[chuckles]
Which tells you a lot about the Pittsburgh scene.
Uh, maybe don't tuck your junk in front of a minor.
There are no miners in Pennsylvania,
no matter what the president promised.
[both laugh]
Mwah. Mwah.
AJ, this is Edie.
-She used to be pretty. -[Edie laughs]
-I'm still pretty, though, right? -Well...
Wait till you--
[AJ] What's his problem?
[Robert] That's Alma Joy and, trust me...
she may have a couple of nuts,
but there is no joy.
[sighs] She and I had a little...
let's just say situation, a long time ago,
and she's never forgiven me.
You knew I was doing Tina Turner!
More like Teeny Turner!
I'm the better Tina Turner, bitch!
[glass smashes]
How are you the better Tina Turner, bitch? You're white!
That doesn't mean shit!
You do Cher!
Cher's not white. Cher is everything!
-Oh! -[announcer] Put your hands together
for Miss Tina Turner!
-[grunts] -[glass smashes]
Bitch, that had fire!
-["Proud Mary" playing] -You freak.
-[both grunting] -[Alma] Ow! My foot! Oh!
[audience cheers]
-♪ I left a good job in the city ♪ -[man 1] Yeah, Tina!
♪ Workin' for the man Every night and day ♪
♪ And I never lost One minute of sleepin' ♪
♪ Worryin' 'bout the way Things might have been ♪
-♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪ -♪ Turnin' ♪
-♪ Proud Mary, keep on burnin' ♪ -♪ Burnin' ♪
♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river ♪
♪ Say, we're rollin', we're rollin' ♪
♪ Rollin' on the river ♪
-[vocalizing] -[Robert] Get off the stage!
[vocalizing] ♪ All right ♪
[Alma] In your face, bitch!
♪ I cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis ♪
♪ And I pumped a lot of tane Down in New Orleans ♪
-No, bitch. This platform can't take two. -I'm Tina Turner!
♪ Till I hitched a ride On the riverboat queen ♪
-♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪ -♪ Turnin' ♪
-♪ Proud Mary, keep on burnin' ♪ -♪ Burnin' ♪
♪ And we're rollin', take me rollin' ♪
♪ We're rollin' on the river ♪
♪ I tell you, we're rollin', rollin' ♪
♪ We're rollin' on the river ♪
-[Robert] Ah! Whoa! -[Alma] Whoa! [grunts]
[audience gasps]
♪ All right, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[audience cheers]
[man 2] Whoo!
Good to see you, Alma.
Have we met?
[chuckles] Oh, okay, no high road?
Michelle Obama taught us nothing?
Surprised to see you all the way out here in the sticks, Ruby.
Wasn't that what you called us?
I guess she'd know all about sticks. She has that big one stuck up her ass.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
[Alma] What are you even doing in Pittsburgh?
I thought you were opening your own New York club.
Oh, I am.
We're in the middle of huge renovations, [chuckling] and it is going to be major.
[man] Here you go, Edie.
Oh, Ruby, girl, there are burgers at the bar.
Are you hungry?
I am.
Take me. Come on.
-Let's go. -[chuckles]
Okay.
[chuckles] Follow me.
First kid I ever met who's a top.
What's the T on the toddler?
Mother's a hooker and a drug addict.
-Hm, jealous. -But apparently she's MIA.
So, the kid stowed away in my RV,
and I'm trying to figure out what's best here.
I mean, I can't just leave an orphan on the side of the road.
Wow, you're like Angelina Jolie.
If she ate.
You know...
I think I'll just do my makeup in the RV.
This room's more tense than a kitty cat in a box full of cucumbers.
Hey, handsome.
Well...
there you are again. Hm.
Time. Phone.
That little thief.
Hey!
Don't touch my stuff!
I was looking for my phone. Where is it?
I don't have your freaking phone!
I know you clocked my security code.
["Ruby Is Red Hot" ringtone playing]
It's on the floor!
♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪
-♪ Who-- ♪ -Hello?
Oh, hey. Hi, handsome.
Yes. I'll be ready.
All right.
I'm sorry.
But in my defense, it's the one thing of mine you haven't taken.
It's Princess Jasmine, right?
Love those pants. Always wanted some of those.
Do you have a Princess Jasmine doll because your name is Jasmine?
Okay, one more question, and feel free to not answer it as well.
Just go.
Ask it.
Jesus.
Why are you always saying you want to be a boy, but then...
hiding a doll in a sweat sock?
I never said I wanted to be a boy.
In the diner, you said you wanted to be a boy.
No.
I said I didn't want to be a girl.
So, if you don't want to be a boy, why are you pretending to be one?
Because people leave boys alone.
And I wasn't hiding this.
-I was protecting it. -[Robert] Hm.
[chuckles] That's funny.
I made my whole life about not letting people put me in a box,
and I go and put you into one.
A forward-thinking, politically correct box, but...
still a box nonetheless.
From now on...
don't touch my stuff.
What's wrong with being a girl?
[AJ] Everything.
Uh, can you narrow it down for me?
Girls always do what people ask them to. Even... if they don't want to.
I see.
Well, not all girls do that, you know.
Some girls learn how to draw boundaries.
[sighs] Okay, here we go.
Thanks, Oatmeal.
[Robert] Well, I can tell you one great thing about being a girl.
You grow up to be a woman.
And, these days women can be whatever they want to be.
Yeah. Like a stripper...
or a hooker...
or drug addict.
[scoffs] Well, for every stripper, there's a...
there's a woman doctor.
And for every drug addict, there's a Madame Curie...
and a Justice Sotomayor.
Beyoncé.
Serena Williams.
And, yes...
yes, AJ,
an Oprah.
That's some crazy shit right there.
-[excited chatter] -[dance music playing over club speakers]
Hey, look, I'm just saying...
that little girls, no matter how they start out,
can grow up to be strong, amazing...
Wonder women.
Wonder Woman's not real, yo.
Okay, well, I tried.
[AJ]And you think I'm the one hiding things?
You're the one who's hiding, dude.
Telling that guy out there that you still have a club?
[sighs]
I'm starving.
I thought they said they were gonna send me out a burger.
Yeah. This is yours.
-["100% Pure Love" playing] -[audience cheering]
♪ It's 12 past midnight ♪
♪ Don't close your eyes ♪
♪ Your soul's half alive ♪
♪ And I'll be by your side ♪
♪ I've come to take you there... ♪
[AJ] Yo, man. What's up?
Can I get a beer?
Can I get arrested, Baby Jane?
Okay. It's cool.
No, not cool.
Get your underage heinie backstage where it belongs.
Relax, bro. I'm going.
Here, have some popcorn.
That don't make it all right.
[scoffs]
That bachelorette party is buggin' me.
Which bachelorette party? The girls or the gays?
-[chatting indistinctly] -[cheering and whooping]
Can you tell the difference?
♪ One hundred percent pure love ♪
♪ Did I hear you cry Or did you like the ride... ♪
Anything you want me to plug besides your new, better-than-us New York club?
Actually...
I have to tell you the truth about something.
I was the better Tina Turner?
No, I said I have to tell you the truth.
I'm not going to have...
a new club.
The man I was in love with...
scammed me out of all my money and took off.
I only have what I'll make on this tour to live on.
I am embarrassed...
and devastated.
And that's the truth.
No, that's not the truth.
The truth is...
you're embarrassed and devastated...
and I was the better Tina Turner.
[both chuckle]
[sighs]
[audience cheers]
[announcer] Magda.
-Give it up for Magda! -[bride-to-be retches]
[audience laughs and cheers]
-[man] Yeah! -So sorry.
Oh, my God. [crying] Oh, my God!
I'm getting married. I'm sorry.
Wonder women.
You know what? Actually, put someone else on before me.
I'm gonna do a different number.
-[bride-to-be] Sorry. -This is your big crowd-pleaser.
Well, tonight, I'm looking to hit a smaller demographic.
[sobbing] I told you not to let me have more than three!
[men chuckling]
I'm not coming out there till that's cleaned up.
-[knocking on door] -[Louis] Coming.
[lock clicks]
You kept me waiting a long time.
Uh, yeah, sorry, it takes me longer to get around.
I'm blind.
Yeah, I remember. Last time, you tried to get disability discount.
I was like, "Wow, this blind lady thinks I take coupons."
Well, tonight's not about me. It's about my friend.
She's from out of town.
Hello, I'm Daphne.
Should have brought the bigger bag.
Okay.
Okay, CD. CD.
Right.
["Ruby Is Red Hot" ringtone playing] ♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
What happened, Louis?
[over speakerphone] This is Officer Patrick Kennedy.
Louis is otherwise engaged.
I-I got her to flip after we promised not to book her on the drug charge.
Oh, Louis, I don't... I don't think I have any makeup down there.
Oh, you don't?
Sometimes foundation travels.
[both chuckle]
Uh, it turns out it was Lady Danger who told him about your money.
And I suspect that they worked the grift together.
Grift?
I've been grifted?
Like those sad ladies who send all their money to Ethiopian boyfriends?
Yeah. Yeah, it seems that these two target older drag queens with cash.
They're an easy mark because they're mostly all alone
and desperate for someone to love them.
[mournful piano music plays]
Robert, you still there?
Yeah, sure.
So, what now?
Well, uh, she gave up his address,
so we, um... we pick him up and we book him on grand larceny.
And then we book her on those 53 delinquent parking tickets.
Uh, can... can you get my money back?
I'll know when I get there.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go!
He's not going anywhere without revitalizing toner.
What's all that?
The stuff for Ruby's number. [clears throat]
Oh, here, will you give this to Donny in the sound booth?
I would, but he still hasn't forgiven me for that time I roofied him. [chuckles]
[patrons chattering and cheering]
-[Edie] Hey, everyone! -[audience cheers]
Uh, heads up. Half this audience wasn't even born
when The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas was on Broadway.
And why are you doing a number we used to do in the old show?
I have one big reason.
Actually, a little reason.
[Edie] Okay, okay. Okay, okay!
This next act is amazing,
and she came all the way from the Big Apple.
So please try not to projectile vomit directly on her!
[audience and Edie laugh]
Give it up for my second favorite ginger...
-[audience laughs] -...Ruby Red.
[audience cheers]
["Girl, You're A Woman" playing]
-[man 1] Yeah! -[woman] Ruby!
[man 2] Ruby!
♪ Girl ♪
♪ Get a hold now ♪
♪ Straighten up ♪
♪ Look alive ♪
♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪
♪ You'll survive ♪
♪ Remember one good thing When you are moving on ♪
♪ Is wonderin' what you'll find ♪
♪ And one good thing About a past that's gone ♪
♪ Is leavin' it behind ♪
♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪
♪ Keep your head up high, girl ♪
♪ You're a woman ♪
-♪ Look 'em in the eye, girl ♪ -[audience laughs]
-♪ You're a woman ♪ -[man 3] Yeah!
♪ Startin' on your way ♪
♪ Girl, I think this is your lucky day ♪
♪ Pull it in now ♪
♪ Stand up tall ♪
-♪ Look real proud ♪ -[man 4] Oh, yeah.
-[audience laughs] -♪ Girl, no more cryin' ♪
♪ Not out loud ♪
♪ Remember, one good thing About the tears you shed ♪
♪ Oh, you won't do that no more ♪
♪ And one good thing About a dream that's dead ♪
♪ You're wiser than before ♪
♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪
♪ Keep your head up high, girl ♪
♪ You're a woman ♪
♪ Look 'em in the eye, girl ♪
♪ You're a woman ♪
♪ Startin' on your way ♪
♪ Girl, I think this is your lucky day ♪
♪ All she needs Is a little bit of fixin' up ♪
♪ To pull herself together ♪
♪ She'd be pretty if she'd only try ♪
♪ To pull herself together ♪
♪ And I'll help her ♪
♪ It's as easy as can be ♪
♪ Pretty soon ♪
-♪ She's gonna look a lot like me ♪ -[audience laughs]
♪ Girl, you're a woman ♪
♪ All she needs Is a little bit of fixing up ♪
♪ Keep your head up high, girl ♪
♪ You're a woman ♪
♪ Look 'em in the eye, girl ♪
♪ You're a woman ♪
♪ Startin' on your way ♪
♪ Girl, I think this is your lucky day. ♪
Hey. You want a date?
-Shit. -[officer] Take it easy.
Oh, no, no. No, I need my phone.
No, I-- I need my phone! Give me my phone!
-[siren wails] -Get me my phone. No, no, no, no, no!
I need my-- Tianna? Tianna, girl, get my phone!
It's the only way I can get in touch with my daughter.
-Please! -[officer] Come on!
[panting] No! No!
-[cell doors slam] -[crying softly]
-[indistinct police radio chatter] -[indistinct conversations]
♪ You're a woman ♪
♪ Startin' on your way ♪
-[excited chatter] -[dance music playing]
[patrons cheer]
Ooh.
Why did you do that?
I'm not like you.
I don't want to be pretty.
Where should I sleep?
We gotta get up early to go get my phone.
You can fit up here.
But... but you gotta clean up that... hair first.
-[rap music playing on stereo] -[Damien panting]
-[pounding on door] -[Damien grunts]
[Patrick] NYPD!
-[Damien grunts] -[Patrick] Open up!
Damien Sanchez, we know you're in there. Open up.
[in Spanish] Don't open that door! Okay? Don't open it for anything.
[pounding on door continues]
-[rapid knocking on door] -[Patrick, in English] Open up!
[gentle acoustic guitar music playing]
[music fades]
-[chuckles] -[train horn blows in distance]
[laughs softly]
[gasps, sighs]
Why are you smiling, freak?
I was dreaming you weren't here.
[cell phone ringing]
[takes a deep breath] Girl? Oh, girl.
Higher, Louis. I can't see you.
-[Louis] Girl. -[Robert] Uh, over to the left.
-[Louis] Girl. -[Robert] No, no, your left.
Grrrrrrrl.
[Robert chuckles] No, you've gone too far. Go back.
Okay, stop. Stop right there.
Louis, what... what's wrong? You look upset.
Girl, he was just here.
I opened the door thinking it was Old Lady Sweeney,
and it was him.
Who?
[Louis] The devil!
What?
[Louis] Yes, girl, and he was mad.
He put his hands all over me.
[whines] I mean, I was manhandled.
And not in the good way.
Wait. Oh... oh, my God, Louis. Are you okay?
[Louis] Yes, girl.
But, girl, I'm all shook up.
He was here with Lady Danger.
They wanted to know where you were, but I would not tell them.
Mm-mm. No, ma'am.
-He-- They wanted to know where I was? -[Louis] Mm-hmm.
Yes, ma'am, but I said to him, "I will never tell where she is.
Lord God, I will not tell."
[Robert] Oh, my God, Louis--
Don't worry, I did not tell them you were in Pittsburgh.
-Louis! -[Louis] Calm down.
I did not tell 'em you were doin' a two-night gig
at the Pittsburgh Pipeline.
[sniffs] Uh... I smell Gucci.
[gasps, screams]
So you couldn't just leave it alone?
Couldn't take it like a man and had to go crying to the cops?
Well, you really screwed up my life.
so now I'm gonna come down there and screw up your pretty face.
[clicks tongue] Wow.
You made a big mistake, girl.
See you soon.
[dogs barking]
Louis?
They're gone. Pick up the phone.
Pick it up, Louis.
The other way.
Louis, you keep going the wrong way!
Ah, well, I'm blind, bitch!
[grunting]
They're comin' for me. What do we do?
We get the F out of Pittsburgh.
["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing]
-[motor rumbles] -[tires screech]
♪ Down and out and lost and found ♪
♪ Had to pick myself up off the ground ♪
♪ Saw the light, got turned around ♪
♪ Never gonna be, no more, no more, no ♪
♪ Long nights, winter blues ♪
♪ Already paid the dues... ♪
He said he's gonna screw up my face. That's my second favorite body part.
You know you're driving on the wrong side of the street, right?
-Huh? -[horn blares]
[tires screech]
[Robert takes a deep breath]
Seat belt.
-♪ Got what she got? ♪ -♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
Oh.
-[breathing heavily] -Breathe.
-Would you please stop saying that?
Yes, I freaked out in Pittsburgh, but I'm fine now.
Fine now?
Five minutes ago, you almost ran over the guy selling oranges on the highway.
Well, he surprised me. And what was he even doing there?
Is an off-ramp on the Pennsylvania Turnpike
the new hot spot for citrus sales?
Jesus, where are you going? Let's go get my phone.
I am not wearing a kimono into a diner in rural Pennsylvania.
If I had that much of a death wish, I would have waited in Pittsburgh.
-[server] Okay, yeah. -[Robert] Come on.
-[server] This way. Enjoy. -[woman] Great. Thanks.
[hostess] Jensen, party of five. Jensen, party of five.
[Lady Danger] Wow, look at all this butter!
I said no butter on the English muffin.
Look at all this. It's too much butter.
-[hostess] Jensen, party of five. -[AJ] What-- What are you doing?
-What's wrong? -[gasps]
He's here. In the booth in the back.
-[AJ] That's him? -[Robert] Yeah.
With the lady with the eye patch.
[takes deep breath] Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?
[AJ] Okay, stay here.
I'll get my phone.
They don't know me.
Don't worry. I was built for this shit.
-You heard me say, "No butter," right? -Enough with the butter!
I'm gonna lose my mind with you and the butter.
There's my little man.
Here's your phone.
-[cook] Florence, pick it up. -Oh, that's for me.
[hostess] Miller, party of two.
[Damien] Just eat it already.
I want to get there and get this over with.
It's bad enough I had to wait for you to go home and change.
[Lady Danger] Hey, don't take it out on me.
I'm not the one that sold you out.
I gave them your mother's address. She's the one that turned you in.
She's still pissed I never got her that lap band.
I get it. That's a big disappointment.
People freak out about cosmetic procedures.
I once had a queen pull a gun on me.
Let it go. You got other shit to deal with.
[Damien] But still, turn me in? It hurts.
You want something, kid?
-[bell rings] -[cook] Pick it up.
[hostess] Jensen, party of five, final call.
Jensen, party of five. Final call.
Go, go!
["Walk It Off" playing]
Come on, come on! Hurry!
How is it possible that he's here?
You said everyone stops for pancakes on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
-There's his car. How did I not see that? -Which one?
The red one that looks like it belongs to a pimp.
How did I not ever see that that was a pimp car?
It's so clearly a pimp car!
[air hisses]
♪ Walk, walk... ♪
What are you doing?
Payback!
AJ, stop.
-He loves that car. -[air hisses]
Come on, let's go.
Let's go before he comes out here and cuts off my first favorite body part.
-Come on! -[grunts] It was stuck!
And don't run with a knife.
-[grunts] -[tapping on window]
[Robert] Oh, my God. Oh, Lord.
[panting]
This is insane.
Jesus.
This is all crazy.
Seriously crazy.
What happened to my life?
I don't like this. I don't want any of this.
We should go before they come out here.
I just want to listen to my Oprah tapes and get my life back on track.
Look, that guy in there, he's coming for you
and he means business.
And you think this is going to help you?
It's from 1986!
This crap doesn't work anymore.
[tape clatters]
So stop thinking like a pussy
and start acting like a man.
Go!
Okay, but, first, you listen.
Don't get it twisted.
Just because I make a gorgeous woman doesn't mean I'm not a man.
So never say that to me again.
And, second...
you go out and bring back Oprah.
You are very, very wrong about her.
Go!
[AJ] I'm going. God.
[Robert] Come on. Come on.
Close your door.
Lock it.
Okay. All right.
Are you taking me to Texas?
I'll take you as far as my next gig, then we can talk.
Buckle up.
[whispers] Let's go.
-[engine starts] -["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing]
[smashing echoes]
["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing] ♪ Read my lips, see what I said ♪
♪ You look hungry, ain't been fed ♪
♪ See that queen? Try her instead Got a man up in my bed ♪
♪ Champagne bubbles in your head But that credit score is dead ♪
♪ Library's open, and you have been read ♪
♪ Down and out and lost and found ♪
♪ Had to pick myself up off the ground ♪
♪ Saw the light, got turned around ♪
♪ Never gonna be, no more, no more, no ♪
♪ Long nights, winter blues ♪
♪ Already paid the dues ♪
♪ I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude ♪
-♪ Ruby is red hot ♪ -♪ Red hot ♪
-♪ Hot fire nonstop ♪ -♪ Burnin' up ♪
♪ Who got what I got? Oh, baby, baby ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪