[twinkling chimes]
[piano music playing]
[AJ] It all started 'cause I needed money.
And here we are.
You know that thing where everybody gets a trophy?
Yeah? Well, I don't.
In my experience...
that's total BS.
People I know have to work really hard to get a win, and still...
most of the time, they just wind up losing.
But, hey, at least they tried.
-But some people don't even try to win. -[sighs]
[AJ] They just take.
And these losers are such losers,
they don't even know they're losing.
And, every now and then,
someone figures out how to make the best of the bad hand that's dealt them.
And that's cool.
And here's the coolest thing of all. In life...
some people can still win, no matter how much they've lost.
And as my friend Ruby says...
"If no one's giving you a trophy,
you gotta find a way to snatch one on your own."
[Robert] What is that look?
Well, I just remembered I had KFC at your apartment the night I robbed you.
So it's kind of our anniversary.
Well, anniversaries are more for a couple and less for a thief and her victim.
Man, did I think you were an asshole.
Maybe we are a couple. Hey, pass me one of them biscuits.
You're...
eating?
And some gravy.
Gravy?
You know you have a pageant coming up, right?
I already have the Miss Drag USA crown in the bag.
How you so sure?
-Well, first, you've seen me. -[AJ] Yes.
[tongue pop]
Second... the number I'm doing for talent...
tore the house down
when I won Queen of New York.
["Unspeakable Joy" playing]
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ 'Cause they did not give it ♪
♪ They cannot take it away ♪
♪ Joy, unspeakable joy ♪
♪ 'Cause they did not give it ♪
♪ They cannot take it away ♪
Oh, shit.
♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪
♪ Gets me out of bed ♪
♪ Keeps me runnin', skippin', jumpin' ♪
♪ Like a little kid ♪
♪ You know Sometimes I can hardly keep it inside ♪
♪ It overtakes me, overwhelms me And I'm mortified ♪
♪ I did not get it from any woman or man ♪
♪ And it's okay If they don't always understand ♪
♪ It's very easy to get caught In circumstance ♪
♪ It's even easier ♪
♪ To break out in a dance ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ 'Cause they did not give it They cannot take it away ♪
♪ Joy, unspeakable joy ♪
♪ 'Cause they did not give it They cannot take it away ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Cannot take it away, take it away ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Take it away, take it away ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Take it away, take it away ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Take it away, take it away Take it away ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ 'Cause they did not give it They cannot take it away ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ In my heart And I can't let them steal my ♪
♪ Joy ♪
[audience cheering and whooping]
And, child...
when my backup dancers came out in their matching shorts,
those other girls could not deal.
Backup dancers?
[Robert] Mm-hmm.
Pina and Colada.
I think they had a record deal for a hot minute.
But you don't have Pina or Colada now.
I don't need... backup dancers.
I'm enough.
How? You traded in Pina and Colada for biscuit and gravy.
-[gasps] -You have to win this pageant
in two days.
You need the $25,000 to go back to New York and do the rest of your life.
Don't worry.
I'm winning this pageant.
Should I Google Pina and Colada just to be safe?
[chuckles]
Patrick, this is my third and last "call me" message.
I'm not the type of girl who begs, so that's it!
Call me. Please call me. Please.
-[knocking on door] -[gasps] Maybe this is you.
All is forgiven, baby.
No, it's Brianna.
Ooh, let me rethink that, then. You here to break some more of my stuff?
I came back to apologize.
Um, I brought you a doughnut.
-What kind? -It's glazed.
Why you standing in the hallway?
-[dogs barking] -[Sweeney] Who is it?
[Louis] It's for me, Mrs. Sweeney.
-Is that enough light? -Yeah.
Do you wanna sit and have a cup of tea before you fly into another rage
and start screaming at an innocent blind man?
I'm assuming.
Yeah. Thanks.
Where's my doughnut at?
[quietly] Thank you.
Um, look, I'm really sorry about the other day.
It wasn't really me.
It was the drugs. Or the not using them.
-Truth is, I wanna use every day. -[sniffs]
It's a good thing I spent the last of my money on that doughnut,
'cause if I had more, I definitely would.
Hang in there.
I will. For her.
Are you sitting down?
-No. It's a little crowded. -Just move it out of the way and sit down.
This queen came by to pay for a dress I made for her earlier.
[clears throat] Um...
I would really appreciate some more information.
I've left so many messages,
and Amber Jasmine hasn't returned any of them.
I'm sure she's mad at me.
And I don't blame her.
I really screwed everything up.
Do you think that you could call your roommate...
and maybe he could put her on the phone?
I just... I need to hear her voice to know that she's okay.
I talked to her today. She's okay.
She is? She really is?
Yeah, she's fine.
She's in Dallas, on her way to her grandfather's.
I'm sorry, what?
[Louis] You see, that's why she hid in that RV.
She heard Robert was going to Dallas,
and she wanted a ride to your... your father's farm, is it?
[gasps] Yeah.
Yeah. My... my father's farm.
[Louis] And you got Robert all wrong.
You know, he took really good care of your little girl.
R-Remember, he didn't ask for any of this.
Yeah, well... um, no, it all makes sense now.
Thank you. She loves her Pop Pop. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.
It's great. I feel so much better.
I'm just gonna go ahead and call my dad. We're gonna work it out.
What about your tea?
Uh, no. You've done too much already.
[kettle whistling]
-[dogs barking] -[Sweeney] Who is it?
-[sniffs] -[Sweeney] Who is it?
Mm.
Excuse me! Officer!
I've been incarcerated incorrectly.
Officer!
Ladies, it's your lucky night.
Due to overcrowding,
I'm forced to escort a few of you escorts out of here to freedom.
[woman 1] Yeah, I'll go now. I shouldn't be here anyways.
Eeny, meeny, miney... ho.
-[woman 2] Your lucky day. -[woman 3] Go, girl.
Eeny, meeny, miney... go.
Hey! I'm not a cheap hooker.
I know, but you're annoying as hell.
-["Walk It Off" playing] -[woman] Excuse me, girls.
Is there another jail in Jackson my driver could have gone to?
Is she still talking? She never shuts up.
[driver] Lorraine Bracco?
That's me.
-[sighs] -[driver] How you doing tonight?
I'm great. Thanks for askin'.
So, it says here you're going to 4223 Maple Drive--
Yeah, we're not going there.
-There's been a change of address. -Not a problem.
-What is the new address? -Don't know it yet.
Would you just shut up and listen for a minute?
I mean, I'd like for you to get a good rating, you know?
That would be my first.
Okay, the new address is the Ritz-Carlton in New Orleans.
Wow.
That little bitch took a road trip to New Orleans
and is spending all my money that he took.
Uh, but, uh, New Orleans is three hours away.
Two hours and 49 minutes. The longer you wait, the longer it gets.
-Problem? -Not a problem.
Got nowhere to be till Thanksgiving.
[Lady Danger] Where are your mints? Hard candy?
[excited chatter]
[man] Oh! Look who it is!
[AJ] Are those the other contestants?
[Robert] Yep.
God bless.
Well, then maybe you do got this.
Oh, good morning, and welcome to Miss Drag USA. And you are?
Probably the winner.
Oh, I love it. [chuckles] Do you love it, Ewan?
Love what?
I'm still trying to figure out your new sign-in system here.
All this tappin' and selectin'.
I feel like I'm launching a missile somewhere.
He gets like this every year, and every year, for the last 11 years,
I say, "Ewan, it's gonna be okay," and every year, it is.
Cool as a cucumber on our wedding day, though.
Is she here to sign into a pageant or to walk down our memory lane, Kevin?
-Name? -Ruby Red.
[gasps] New York City in the house.
Runs so hot and cold. It's like living with a tornado.
[Robert] I arrived last night so I could come in first thing
to go back and claim one of the private dressing rooms.
It's still early. You'll be fine.
You ladies serving breakfast? Bagels?
Anything?
Well, now, the meet-and-greet brunch is the day of the pageant only.
Now, uh, how many fan tickets do you want to reserve?
They come in blocks of 20, 40, and 60.
People are... are buying fan blocks?
Uh, Danielle Dupri has 60,
Rachel Lee Cooks has 60,
Lee Saint Lee has 60, so...
-Sixty? -Well, don't push the man, Ewan.
[laughs] So how many? Sixty?
[AJ] Sixty?
-We only have two. -People?
Buses.
Two buses with 100 fans on each, so 200.
Oh, somebody's come to win.
And they'll pay when they get here.
They think it's tacky when I pay.
They hate it.
[chuckles] Well, now, sign in.
["Walk It Off" playing]
[Louis clears throat]
-[Patrick] Yes? -It's Louis.
Louis Bell, the man you've been seeing.
[chuckles] That's funny.
[panting] Sorry, I was... I was just in the shower.
How did you get--
Oh, that nice super let me in.
I told him I wanted to surprise you.
-Oh. -Surprise!
-Oh! -[both laugh]
-[Louis] Oh... -[clears throat]
[Louis] Ooh, ooh! What was that?
Did I just kill a cat?
No, no. Sorry, it's just some jeans and boots. [sighs]
Oh. Why'd you take your jeans off as soon as you walked in the door?
I was, uh, too tired to hang them up.
Oh, well, I'm not here to criticize.
I'm here to bring you breakfast.
-Oh. -[Louis] And it's still hot.
Just like your man. [chuckles]
There.
Now, ain't that better than all that crazy silence between us?
-[chuckles] -Louis, uh, look--
Love to, but I'm blind.
But you go eat those eggs while I talk.
-Go on, you have a kitchen, right? -Yes.
Yes.
[Louis chuckles]
Oh, uh...
Patrick...
you have nothing to worry about when it comes to me and Robert.
We are friends.
We are not lovers.
'Cause I like my men white and tight.
[moans, chuckles]
Seriously, though... [clicks tongue] ...Oh. What is this?
[sniffs] Oh.
-Patrick, are you a secret smoker? -Yes.
-These jeans don't smell like you. -I am using a new cologne.
These are not your jeans.
No, they're not.
Is there somebody else here right now?
-No. -Yes.
-Ah. -[man] Sorry.
-I didn't know he was seeing anyone. -[Louis] Is that him?
Yes. My name's Jordan.
-I don't need to know your name, cheater! -Fair enough.
[Louis] Oh, my Lord.
Oh, my Lo--
Were y'all making love when I walked in here with eggs?
-No. -Yes.
-[whines] -Well, we were.
We were not making love. We were just having sex.
"Just"? Ain't no just about it.
Louis, he's nothing.
Well, excuse me.
I'm not nothing. I'm a high school guidance counselor.
-My students think I make a difference. -Louis...
look, I was upset, okay?
-Robert and you-- -[Louis] Robert and me, nothing.
You and cheater, something.
[grunts] Goodbye, Patrick.
You just broke a blind man's heart.
Live with that.
Go.
Just go.
How? He took my pants.
[Louis] Yes, I did,
and they're on their way right to the incinerator.
So...
[Robert] Oh, no!
[gasps] The private rooms are all taken.
Shouldn't have spent so much time
talking to Siegfried and Roy about their surrogate situation.
Yeah. Why'd you put yourself through that?
Because they own the damn pageant.
You do what you have to do to win. That's the pageant way.
I think that one's open.
Oh, get it. Run, run! Get it.
[AJ] Got it!
Yes?
I was just about to take this room.
You do what you have to do to win. That's the pageant way.
[chuckles] Oh, no, bitch.
I know you did not just call that ten-year-old child a bitch.
This is the last private dressing room.
She's a child.
-[Danielle] Hm. -Now, excuse me.
[whispers] Well done, bitch.
[AJ] Gotta make sure you're set up to win.
-In case those buses don't show up. -[Robert] Oh, I got this.
What do you mean? The bus hit an oil slick?
-[AJ chuckles] -And that bus hit the other bus?
I have taught you well.
Now I don't feel bad that I'm out of here in less than 24 more hours.
So...
that's real, right? I mean...
this is really happening?
Yeah. What did you think? You were gonna adopt me or some shit?
Maybe.
I mean...
not that I'm saying that could ever really happen legally or anything, but...
I mean, I don't even know Pop Pop.
Never spoken to him.
You know Pop Pop's off the grid because he doesn't trust the man.
[Robert] Yes.
But how am I supposed to trust some man that I've never even seen?
I feel negligent just dropping you off in the middle of nowhere.
There. Now you've seen Pop Pop.
So Pop Pop's a hippie?
My mom says he's a survivalist.
He lives at 1332 Wonderview Ave., Woodlawn, Texas.
I'll write it down so you can Google Map him
and see that everything's okay.
So...
we're doing this?
We're doing this.
-[contestant] Hey, girls. -Parade of queens rehearsal in 20.
Thanks, Kevin. Oh, you're really on it.
That's gonna be one lucky baby.
Oh.
-Now that's how you win a pageant. -[AJ] Grrrl.
Contestant number 11, Ruby Red.
Applause, applause, applause.
[Ewan] Two hundred fans.
[group] Ooh.
That entire balcony is reserved for you, Ruby.
-Oh, the whole balcony? -[Kevin] Yes, ma'am.
-[Robert] That's a big-ass balcony. -[chuckles] Yeah.
I just talked to my 200 fans en route from New York, and...
they're excited.
They hit a little bad weather, but, uh, they're working through it.
Oh, that's great.
Okay, contestant number 12, Danielle Dupri.
[Kevin] Big applause, applause, applause.
First alternate, four years in a row.
This is her year. Everyone knows it.
Not everyone.
That's what she told me to tell you.
Anyway...
fifth time's a charm, Danielle.
Charm's got nothing to do with it.
-Oh! -[both laugh]
[indistinct chatter]
So what's your guys' deal?
Oh, we're Danielle's backup dancers.
All four of you?
-Mm-hmm. -[AJ] Oh, shit.
I don't know who you are or where all those fans came from,
but this is my year.
Everyone knows it.
Not everyone.
Tell her, Lee.
She did.
[scoffs]
[Ewan] Oh, how pretty. Look at all those stars.
[man on speaker] How can I help?
Yes, hello. I would like the garden salad with the dressing on the side.
[man] One garden salad, dressing on the side.
Would you like fries with that?
Why would I want fries with that? It's a salad.
Screw it. Yeah, give me the fries with that.
You only live once, right?
[man] Right. Large or small?
Large. Wait.
Hold up. It looks like it's cheaper to get a value meal, so just...
give me a number four value meal...
Hold up, wait.
Wait. For only a buck more, I can get a double-double value meal?
[man] Yes, sir.
Oh, then I'll have that.
[man] One salad, one double-double value meal
with large fries. Anything else?
Hey, you know what?
You know what? Forget the salad and just give me some chicken nuggets.
I used to love those.
-[man] You still want that double-double? -Hell, yes, I want the double-double.
[man] One double-double value meal, one order of chicken nuggets.
And you get a large beverage with the value meal.
A diet--
Wait.
A chocolate milkshake.
[man] Milkshakes don't come with value meals.
[horn honks]
[shouts] A chocolate milkshake, please!
Oh, can you break a hundred?
[hold music playing on phone]
[automated voice] Thank you for continuing to hold.
Your business is important to us.
We know you have many choices in air travel.
[operator] This is Jill. How can I help you?
Hi, Jill. I booked a...
first-class seat from New Orleans to Cuba using cash at a local travel agent.
I just want to make sure everything's okay with the reservation.
[Jill] I can help you with that. Do you have a locator number?
Oh, yeah. Okay. J, K...
nine, five...
L, P...
[Jill] J as in janitor,
K as in king...
-[gulps] -the number nine, the number five,
L as in lion, P as in pancake.
-[choking] -[Jill] Sir? Sir, are you there?
[horn honks]
[drive-through speaker] How can I help you today?
[Jill] Sir? Sir, are you there?
[grunting]
[Jill] Sir?
Sir?
-[coughing] -[heart thumping]
[piano music playing]
[grunting]
[horn honking]
[grunts]
[coughs]
-[panting] -[Jill] Sir, you still there?
Sir, please hold.
-[hold music playing] -[sighs]
Talent is followed by Evening Gown,
and that is followed by Question and Answer.
-[phone vibrating] -[Ewan] We follow that immediately
with the fifth, fourth, third, second, and first alternate queens.
Excuse me. No phones.
If... if one of us is on social media,
all of us is gonna be on social media.
He's talking to you.
-[Kevin] No phones. Thank you kindly. -Oh, sorry.
[both slurp loudly]
[Damien on voicemail] It's me.
I have your money.
Really, I do this time.
Let me bring it to you. Please, Robert.
Let me bring it to you. It's the least I can do for you.
-Call me back. Tell me where we can meet. -[door opens]
Yeah, right.
Why's he calling after all this time?
'Cause he's a lowlife mother-effer.
He sounded different.
No. He didn't.
He does. He... he sounds different.
-His tone-- -Come on.
Are you still this big of a loser?
After all we've been through?
I'm just saying, he sounded different.
He made it all up, Robert!
None of it is true!
And I know that you want it to be true, but it's not true! It's not!
Right?
Right.
[woman on speaker] How can I help you today?
[Lady Danger] Move forward.
Yeah, did a man drive through here today and--
[woman] Lots of men drive through here. It's a drive-through.
You'd remember him. He's a kind of fading hot Latin guy.
Probably ordered a salad with dressing on the side.
Salad at a fast-food place?
Yeah. Try driving across the country with him.
-[woman] No idea. Just started my shift. -[groans] Ah. Well, since I'm here,
-let me get a double-double. -[woman] Do you want fries with that?
Of course I want fries with that. You want anything, Paulie?
I wouldn't say no to that pot pie.
And a pot pie.
[woman] Let me read that back.
One double-double, one fries, and one pot pie.
Gee, you love to hear yourself talk.
-[woman] Drive through. -[phone beeps]
[Lady Danger] Oh. He changed direction.
Bitch just got on the interstate.
So we've been to a hotel, a gym, now here on the way to the airport.
Um, are you stalking an ex or something?
-Why, you getting jealous? -[Paulie] No, it's just, I feel you.
I followed my ex-wife's sister across two state lines.
That's hardcore.
Drive through.
[bulldog howling loudly on cell phone]
I know you're gonna miss that sound.
Two things I will miss.
That dog and your farts.
Oh, don't worry. I got a bunch of 'em saved up for you
as a going-away present.
-[laughs] -[knocking on door]
-Who's that? -[AJ] It's probably
that parking lot guard again.
Or maybe the first bus.
Open the damn door!
Louis! [chuckles]
How long you gonna leave me standing in this parking lot heartbroken?
[Robert] Here. Here, come on. Come on.
-[Robert and Louis grunt] -[Robert] Here you go.
Louis, how did you get here?
Frequent flier miles.
I was saving up for a vacation for Patrick and me.
Little did I know he was having a gay spring break in his apartment.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes, girl. [grunts]
This place feels smaller than I remember.
[yelps] What is that?
-It's me, AJ. -[sighs]
Oh, Little Bits.
I've been so wrapped up in my own mess of a life,
I completely forgot about you and yours.
[exhales]
Patrick was the love of my life.
Oh, now, come on, girl. He was cute.
There are two things I know for sure.
Patrick was the love of my life, and this pizza didn't travel well.
He was not the love of your life. Okay?
-There is someone else out there for you. -[Louis] I'm a blind big girl.
Patrick is the best I'll ever do.
Okay, scoot on out, AJ.
I have some business to do. We got a queen over here feeling sorry for herself.
[grunts] Louis...
no one was more sure their love life was over than me.
-But I've been all across this country-- -He had a date in Jackson, Mississippi.
-Ah. -Oh, yes, I did.
A big old date.
And I'm here to tell you...
-there are men out there. -Well, I don't see any.
Pun intended.
[player clicks]
-["It's Raining Men" playing] -♪ Humidity is rising ♪
♪ Yeah, baby Barometer's getting low... ♪
Oh, you think The Weather Girls are gonna jump-start my broken heart?
Don't know. We'll see.
♪ What sources? ♪
[both singing along] ♪ The street's the place to go ♪
♪ Tonight, for the first time ♪
♪ At about half past ten ♪
♪ For the first time in history ♪
♪ It's gonna start raining men... ♪
Oh, let a big girl in!
-[all singing along] ♪ It's raining men ♪ -Whoo!
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ It's raining men ♪
♪ Amen ♪
♪ I'm gonna go out ♪
♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪
♪ Absolutely soaking wet... ♪
How does she know the words?
-We brushed our teeth to it! -Teeth to it!
-[all laugh] -♪ It's raining men ♪
-♪ Amen ♪ -♪ Every specimen ♪
♪ Tall, dark, blond, and lean... ♪
♪ Rough and tough and strong and mean ♪
[indistinct chatter]
[AJ] Left. Right. Shoulder.
Oh, thank you, Little Bits.
Steps.
-Oh, great. -Oh, what's wrong?
It's the God Hates Glamour people.
Drag yourself to hell!
Hey!
Get a life!
That's a problem.
[all chanting] Drag yourself to hell!
No, AJ. This is America.
Everyone can protest whatever they want.
Well, I'm protesting them.
[Louis chuckles] I like this kid.
[protesters] Drag yourself to hell!
[AJ, with protesters] Drag yourself to hell.
-Drag yourself to hell. -AJ!
Sorry, it's catchy.
Well, good morning. Happy pageant day. [chuckles]
Hate to tell you this, Kevin, but...
there are a bunch of protesters setting up out front.
Oh, I know. How exciting.
Ten years on with this pageant, and we are finally on the hate radar.
We made it! [chuckles]
[fan 1] Hi.
-[fan 2] Here she is, girls! -[fan 3] Oh, my God!
[fan 2] It's Danielle!
[crowd cheers]
-Oh! -[Louis] What is happening?
Why are we suddenly at the Super Bowl?
That's my competition.
Bitch has a lot of supporters.
And a Brazilian butt lift.
This is a disaster. Why didn't you dress up?
I am dressed. As the winner.
FYI, I found Colada on LinkedIn.
He's running a daycare in San Diego.
That's too far to make it here by three, right?
Louis, tell this little person
how I slay the house down when I do "Unspeakable Joy."
Oh, she sure does.
And she has me to thank. I turned her on to that song.
I used to sing a church version in choir when I was straight.
Hold up. Louis, you were straight?
Before I came out, yes.
So then was everyone else blind?
-Good read, Little Bits. Good read. -[chuckles]
-[Robert] I'll take you to the buffet. -Like I can't find my way to bacon.
[fan 1] Danielle, we are all here to cheer for you.
-How are you? -[fan 2] Oh, girl.
[protesters chanting] Drag yourself to hell!
Drag yourself to hell!
[indistinct chatter]
Change your queen and cheer for Ruby Red.
Excuse me?
There's $500 in it for each of you.
[sighs, chuckles]
Money don't lie.
[fan 1] I ain't cheap, though, but, sure, give me some cash.
[fan 2] Okay.
Got any friends? Tell 'em to come see me.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[indistinct chatter]
-[Kevin] Oh, there you are, Ruby. -[Robert] Oh, hi, Kevin.
We have a little problemo, re: the balcony.
-Your 200 fans have not arrived yet. -What 200 fans?
The only fans she's got coming have "made in China" written on 'em.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Look...
the truth is...
there's been a terrible accident.
There was an oil slick.
There was a slide.
There was a tip-over.
I think the driver was texting. You know, they usually are.
[clicks tongue] I know I look young,
but I did not just fall off the turnip truck.
There are no buses of fans buying tickets.
[Louis] Oh, oh, the 200 fans are on buses.
Oh, yeah, yeah. They're coming. They're coming.
Okay.
Yes.
I only have two fans.
Come again? How many?
Two. And I just soured on this one.
Mm.
The truth is, I am completely broke.
The man I was in love with... grifted me and took all of my money.
Oh, my Lord.
I've been living in that old RV parked in your parking lot
for the last two days because...
I cannot afford a hotel or a motel.
Oh, my Lord.
I thought I had to do something to impress you and your husband.
I'm sorry I lied.
-I just really have to win this pageant, -[sighs]
and I'll do whatever it takes.
That's the pageant way. [chuckles]
Now, you give that same speech to the judges.
But with tears.
Thank you.
You're so understanding.
You know, you really are gonna be a wonderful father.
Oh! [chuckles]
Oh, hey, there. Ewan, hon...
And that's how you win a pageant, bitch.
Yeah.
-[man] Hello. -Hi.
Sure, you like your queen, but is she paying you anything?
Well, no.
And there's more where this came from,
ladies.
She tried to bribe my fans, too.
My support groups from AA, NA, and PA.
What's PA?
Pennsylvania.
Well, I've come too far and put too much stuff in my butt to lose.
This is my year.
Oh, everybody knows it.
Sorry, I was just thinking about how I'd really like a drink right now.
Ewan, what's the deal with that kid?
Um, so tragic.
She told me her whole story.
Her mama's a drug addict in New York City,
so she's traveling with Ruby.
[Danielle] So that queen brought a minor across state lines without a parent?
Mm-hmm. Said all she wants in the whole wide world
is for her African-American friend to win Miss Drag USA.
Well, Ruby better bring it,
'cause those judges are suckers for a crowd-pleaser like you, Danielle.
-[chuckles] -Why didn't you tell him about her?
I have a better plan
to get that little brat out of my very expensive human hair wigs.
-[woman] Thank you for coming. -[sighs]
Oh, she better not be pulling out money in front of my gamblers.
They cannot cope.
[Lady Danger] I don't see his car,
but this tracker says that bitch is here somewhere.
Okay.
You said we were going to New Orleans.
Now we're in Dallas.
Stick with me, I'll show you the world.
[protesters chanting] Drag yourself to hell!
-Drag yourself to hell! -[Lady Danger] Wow,
came running right back to your girlfriend.
Hey!
This is getting weird now.
-[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! -I'm into it.
Wait right here.
Where am I going?
[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
Hey, I'm a woman!
Yeah, she's a woman!
I think.
Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
-[Lady Danger grunts] -[lock creaks]
[protesters] Drag yourself to hell!
Drag yourself to hell!
[protesters continue chanting]
[sighs] Where did you put it, bitch?
Where's my money?
Wigs? Shitty wigs.
Ooh, Gucci.
[gasps]
There you are. Paid your girlfriend back, did you?
[sighs]
Maybe I'll pay her back too.
[chuckles softly]
Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
-Drag yourself to hell! -[Robert] AJ's right.
-It is catchy. -[chuckles]
Oh, my God.
Sticks and stones, AJ.
Not them.
-That. -What?
-[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! -[Louis] What?
My wigs...
hung and destroyed!
No! What kind of sicko would do that?
Drag yourself to hell!
AJ, stay here with Louis. And don't move.
What about sticks and stones?
Sticks and stones are one thing.
Wigs? Never.
-[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I get it.
But newsflash,
I'm not going to hell.
I'm already in hell. Right here in this parking lot.
We all are.
Ma'am, this idea
of us being different
or better than each other or separate from each other,
that's hell.
And so what? I wear dresses, and I'm not a woman.
But you're wearing a Dallas Cowboy jersey,
and you are not a pro football player.
And you're wearing desert camo pants.
We are not in the Sahara.
And, yes, I wear wigs.
So what?
Ma'am, you're wearing a wig. You are.
Or a piece or one of those halo rings,
because there's no way your hair is that full.
How would you like it if I hung your wig like you all hung my wigs over there?
We didn't hang any wigs.
We are busy over here trying to save souls.
Wait, are you telling me
that all those wigs were so depressed, they what? Hung themselves?
There was a drag queen in gaudy blue spandex
-over there stringing 'em up. -[man] That's right.
-[woman 1] That's right. That's the truth. -[woman 2] Of course.
Well, we've all made assumptions today.
I assumed you all hung my wigs,
and you all assumed God hates drag queens.
Come on.
Drag yourself to hell!
[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
Well, that's it then.
No prize money for me.
I cannot win a drag pageant without three big ol' hair changes.
-That's just the law. -[knocking on door]
It's some of those queens.
They got some balls walking up in here.
Mm-hmm.
-[contestant 1] Hello. -Oh.
-[Robert] Hello, ladies. -[contestant] Hi.
Here to take my tucking tape?
Look, I know we shared some fightin' words.
-That's the pageant way. -[contestants] Mm-hmm.
But you've got some nerve showing up here after you killed my wigs.
-[contestants gasp] -We didn't do this.
Sticks and stones are one thing.
Wigs? Never. Come on, girl, give me the wigs.
All of us ladies got together, and... here.
We know red's your thing. Maybe you could do something with these.
-[contestant 3] Mm-hmm. -[contestants chuckle]
It's just like the end of It's A Wonderful Life.
-[contestant 4] Aw! -[all chuckle]
[announcer on PA] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
-The pageant... -[Louis] Mm.
Does this look as good as it feels?
Better.
We went from It's A Wonderful Life to it's a wonderful wig.
[both laugh]
[AJ] Yep. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
[Ruby] All right, y'all, I'm gonna need a minute to focus.
-I have to win this. -Don't worry.
You just do your own thing.
I got everything else handled.
What does that mean?
AJ, the queen needs the room.
[laughs]
[contestant 1] Powder! Who has powder?
-[takes deep breath] -[contestant 2] I said 301s.
[contestant 3] I am so sorry...
[exhales]
[announcer on PA] Attention, all queens. All queens to be on stage in half an hour.
All queens to be on stage in one half hour.
-[tapping on door] -Hi.
[gasps]
[contestant 4] Oh, I heard that.
-Don't close that door! -Okay. Yeah, I won't. I get it.
[scoffs] What are you...
How did you find me?
You always talked about
how you were going to do the pageant to make money for the club renovations.
Did you get my message?
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Robert.
Okay, whose money is that?
It's yours.
Whose money is that?
It's not important. It's what I owe you.
All but 4,000...
which I used to get myself this suit, because I...
wanted to look nice for you.
Great, okay.
-You can leave-- -Can I...
I will.
I'll leave, but can I tell you something first?
[Ruby] Leave
or I will call security.
Please, Robert. Please, just...
give me a minute here. I just need a minute, okay?
Okay?
Look, it wasn't...
all a lie.
I think I'm...
[sighs, chuckles softly]
...I think I may feel things for you.
[sighs]
So you're telling me that you're really gay now?
I don't...
I don't know about that.
All I know is that it's you.
I think about you.
This is just another scam.
And it's the cruelest one, because I had real feelings for you.
And you destroyed me.
[announcer on PA] Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats. The pageant...
So I'm thinking we use your disability to get in the front row.
Then we're thinking the same thing.
I've been informed by the police
that what y'all've been doing is called racketeering.
It's against the law. And, on closer examination,
[scoffs] it's just plain tacky.
[Louis] What did you do, AJ? What's happening?
I bribed a bunch of people to vote for Ruby, and now the cops are here
with someone that looks like she's from Social Services.
Where'd you get the money to bribe anybody?
-It's counterfeit. -Oh, shit.
-I gotta go. -[Louis] Wait, where are you going?
[AJ] To get Robert and to get out of here.
[Louis] Excuse me. Watch where you're walking!
-[both groan] -[cane clatters]
Cane down.
Cane down. Cane down.
[excited chatter]
[Ruby] How dare you use something as painful as coming out
to sucker me into whatever it is
you and Lady Danger are setting me up for next?
This has nothing to do with Lady Danger. I'm on my own.
-You have to believe me. -Okay.
[man 1] Guys, stage left.
[man 2 on PA] Mic check, one, two. One, two.
Mic check, one, two.
One, two, three, four. Check.
Just kiss me.
Please, just kiss me.
If you kiss me,
I know that you're gonna feel what I'm trying to say to you.
Okay. Okay.
I-I'll kiss you.
-[Damien] Okay. -Just come here.
Close your eyes, and I'll kiss you.
-[AJ grunts] -[Ruby gasps]
-Ah! -[AJ] Oh! No, no, no!
-Oh, my God! -[Ruby] Good one!
[AJ] Did I kill him? I didn't mean to kill him!
No, no, no, he's still breathing. He's just knocked out.
We gotta get out of here.
That Danielle queen must have called the cops
-and Social Services. -What?
They're in the lobby. And if they get me,
they'll take me away, and I'll never go to Pop Pop's.
Okay, we've come too far to let that happen.
Is this our counterfeit money?
No, he brought it. Said it was mine.
-I don't know whose it really is. -It's yours.
You're not winning this pageant now. You need the money to start your new life.
Yeah, give it to me.
Come on!
["I'm On My Way" playing]
-[Ruby] Come on. -[Louis] Excuse me!
[announcer on PA] All queens to be on stage.
Stay here. I'll be back to pick you up.
I have to take AJ to Pop Pop's now.
Uh, what about the pageant?
Nobody cares about some drag queens' beauty pageant anymore!
[gasps] Oh, I disagree.
[grunts] Excuse me!
-[both grunt] -Blind man walking!
-♪ I'm on my way ♪ -Why do you move so slow?
-[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! -♪ Nothing can stop me now ♪
Run. Run.
-[tires squeal] -♪ I'm on my way ♪
[protesters] Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
[shouting] Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
That is too fast.
Drag yourself to hell! Drag yourself to hell!
[announcer] We still have more beautiful ladies to come,
and we're starting it out with number ten,
Lee Saint Lee!
[audience cheers and applauds]
Queen number 11, Miss Ruby Red!
And queen number 12,
Miss Danielle Dupri!
Well, there seems to have been a mistake.
Queen number 11 is not Ruby Red.
[audience gasps]
Ruby had a family emergency. I'm competing in her place.
[Kevin] Highly irregular.
The rules state that the person who enters the pageant
actually has to compete in the pageant.
To hell with the rules!
Ruby had a family emergency. Let the girl compete.
[audience cheers]
[speaking indistinctly]
Thank you.
Sure.
And your dress is open in the back.
I know, girl. Not my dress, not my size.
You're blind?
Yes, I am.
Who's winning now, bitch?
♪ M to the R to the S ♪
♪ International everything ♪
♪ Is Alaska a country? ♪
♪ M to the R to the S ♪
♪ International everything ♪
[audience cheering and whooping]
-Oh, my. -Hope you can follow that, Helen Keller.
-[sighs] -Danielle Dupri!
Ah, "Dupri" must be French for "sexy," 'cause those men were hot.
Wasn't she fantastic, ladies and gentlemen?
[audience cheers]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here to perform "Unspeakable Joy,"
Miss Ruby Red.
Correction.
Miss Cocoa Butter, performing for Miss Ruby Red.
-[man 1] You go, girl! -[man 2] Yeah!
[audience] Oh!
Well, he got the sympathy vote.
Well, I'm just gonna tell the judges I've got cystic fibrosis or something.
-More like sissy fibrosis. -[chuckles]
Ruby was planning on dancing her ass off up in here this afternoon...
but I'll do what I can.
[man 3] All right.
For her and you all.
[speaking indistinctly]
-[singing] ♪ I'm talking 'bout joy ♪ -[piano playing]
♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ Yeah, unspeakable joy ♪
[audience applauds and cheers]
♪ When I wake up ♪
♪ In the morning ♪
♪ It gets me out of bed ♪
-♪ Keeps me runnin', skippin', jumpin' ♪ -Whoo!
♪ Just like a little kid ♪
♪ I did not get it from any woman or man ♪
♪ And it's okay if they don't understand ♪
♪ It's very easy To get caught in circumstance ♪
♪ It's even easier To break out and dance ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ All the boys and girls ♪
♪ Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea ♪
♪ Joy to you and me ♪
♪ If I was the queen of the world ♪
♪ I'll tell you what I'd do ♪
♪ I'd throw away the cars And bars and wars ♪
♪ And make sweet love to you ♪
-♪ I'd make sweet love to you ♪ -[audience cheers]
[Louis] ♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ To the fishes in the deep blue sea! ♪
-[audience applauds and cheers] -♪ Oh, unspeakable joy ♪
♪ Unspeakable joy ♪
♪ To you and ♪
[takes deep breath]
♪ Me ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ -[audience cheers]
Hey.
I got this from the charity wig basket. Can you put it on my head?
-Why? -I don't know if you noticed,
but I screwed my hair up big-time.
And I want to look normal when Pop Pop meets me.
Well, I've grown to love your hair like this.
I think this hair is everything.
But he thinks I'm his granddaughter,
so I have to look like a girl when he meets me.
Don't want to freak him out.
You're asking me to put you in little girl drag?
[sheep bleats]
[sighs] Well.
This is it.
Yep, this is it.
And that must be Chestnut and Buster near the barn.
[horse neighs]
Are you sure about that bow?
It's good. I look like a granddaughter.
[chuckles] Okay, fine. I just...
hate cliché drag.
Well, we're here.
Let's go meet Pop Pop.
Robert...
I don't want you to come in.
What?
I don't know how he feels about drag.
Maybe he's like one of those protesters.
And if you come up, he might not take me.
Well, if that's the case, why would you even want to stay here?
'Cause I have to.
It's my plan.
But don't worry,
I'll change his mind about all that gay stuff.
I just gotta get inside first.
Well...
I'm not gonna just leave you here in the middle of the road.
Okay.
Then can you go up the hill where he can't see you?
He doesn't know you like I do.
[sniffles] Fine.
I'll be up the road.
[takes deep breath]
If there's any problem or...
if you need me to come back for any reason...
just wave to me.
And after you change his mind...
maybe I'll come back and...
give you all a show.
Cool.
I'm gonna go now. Okay?
What about your backpack?
[AJ] I don't need it anymore.
[sighs]
[engine starts]
[AJ] Hello?
[man] Door's open.
[AJ] Pop Pop?
[Ewan] Aren't these ladies fabulous?
We have crowned three of them, when all 30 really could be queen.
All right, we've got two more alternates and one more queen to crown this evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, the second alternate winner is...
Miss Lee Saint Lee!
-[audience cheers] -Oh, me?
And the first alternate winner this evening is...
Miss Cocoa Butter!
[audience cheers]
There they are, folks.
Your top five hopefuls for Miss America 1995.
Fourth runner-up...
Miss Hawaii, Lalani Kali.
[audience cheers]
[Ewan] So exciting.
You know what this means, don't you?
Your new Drag Miss USA is...
Danielle Dupri!
[audience cheers]
Oh, my God!
Thank you.
[dance music playing]
Where's my crown at?
Where's my damn crown?
[Ruby chuckles softly]
What?
Stamps. It's just stamps.
No postage marks. What?
That's a woman's handwriting.
[engine starts]
[tires screech]
Whoa!
Sorry, but...
where is the little girl?
-Oh, that little sweet thing? -[Ruby] Yeah.
All kind of confused.
She ran out the back door.
[Ruby gasps]
[Ruby] AJ!
AJ!
AJ, stop!
I'm wearing heels!
[panting] Where...
-where are you going? -[AJ] To find Pop Pop.
-He must be up near Chestnut and Buster. -AJ...
this is not where Pop Pop lives.
It is! It says it on the card.
No.
Your mother must have written the card.
It was never really sent.
[voice shaking] Shut up! They're from my grandpa.
AJ, no, please.
Listen, I don't think there is a Pop Pop.
Look, the picture... his picture wasn't real either.
No way. That is my Pop Pop!
AJ, honey, listen. Listen to me. Listen, it's just like you said to me.
I know you want it to be real
and I want it to be real for you too, but...
it isn't.
It's all...
it's all made-up.
I think your mother couldn't give you anything else, so she gave you Pop Pop.
[grunts]
[Ruby] AJ!
AJ, stop!
Why? Why should I stop?
Why? Nobody wants me! Nobody!
[crying]
AJ...
I want you.
-[AJ sobs] -I want you.
I want you, baby.
[both crying]
I want you.
[Brianna] Amber Jasmine!
It's Mama!
[AJ] I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you so much.
[Brianna crying] I love you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, baby.
I really am. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you, baby.
[Robert] It all started 'cause she needed money.
She thinks this is her story.
She's wrong.
From now on...
it's about us.
["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing] ♪ Ruby is red-hot ♪
♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
♪ Ruby is red-hot ♪
♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Ruby is red-hot ♪
♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
♪ Ruby is red-hot ♪
♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
[twinkling chimes]