- Can you hear me, Mr. Morden? - Yes.
Cue the recap! Paraguay vacay made me this way.
A harbinger of chaos brought to make this geezer pay.
I strung along the Dumb Patrol, flipped the bus into a hole,
slammed it shut. Wait, what? Stuffed it up a donkey's butt!
- Any sign of the Chief? - We know he's alive.
A team was forged with one belief,
to stop at nothing and get their Chief.
Nazi-beating, doomsday-cheating,
beard hair-eating, romance-hating,
punk to skunk, robot chunk,
flashback dancing with a hunk,
gator-baiting, half chub-dating,
sliming through a metal grating,
death cult all around, Jane survived the Underground,
Ant Farm, Larry harmed, delivering justice with a swarm.
- No! - Father-doting,
hand-exploding, pain obscured through secret coding.
Growing close with each endeavor,
finally they came together.
But I grew bored
with this game of chase
and trapped them inside the white space.
Backed their leader against the wall,
forcing him to spill it all.
I was responsible for everything
that has happened to each of you.
This is the best timeline ever!
Why?
I needed you.
I wanted...
what you have.
Immortality.
What?
I wanted to...
I needed to...
Motherfucker!
I'm so sorry.
Liar.
You lied to Jane.
You lied to all of us.
Please let them go.
What do you take me for, Niles?
This was never about them.
Making Silly Putty out of their fragile,
fractured brains,
well, that...
that was all just
extra-curricular.
Consider them abandoned conquests.
Their future is their own now.
God, I wonder what they'll do with it. Hmm?
What does a family do when they realize
they're no family at all? They're just rats
in neighboring cages.
They're just petri dishes on the same shelf.
You know, I huffed and I puffed,
but it was you all along, wasn't it, Niles?
You destroyed them!
Just like you destroyed Eric Morden.
So you've had your revenge.
What now?
Why, sky's the limit, old friend.
I'm going to conduct a parade, I'm gonna guest-host The View,
I'm gonna become the next Bachelor!
The world is a golden oyster for me now.
But for you,
Niles Caulder,
I envision a story that's a little different.
I've been waiting decades to ask you this.
How does it feel to be a nobody?
Security to Containment Block Seven.
All security to Containment Block Seven.
- Good morning, Joshua. - Bureau astronomers have
confirmed your calculations.
Next week's X-15 test flight is our clearest shot yet
to intercept the space anomaly.
- Very good then. - Meaning, after we knock
this pilot from the sky...
His name is Larry Trainor by the way,
Captain Larry Trainor, wife, two kids.
...after we expose him to unknown space matter,
after we potentially burn and radiate him
beyond the known limits of human capacity,
then we're gonna hand him over to Forsythe
and his animals? For what?
And Forsythe will grow bored with his new toy,
and then he'll be ours. Hopefully forever.
The Immortus Project is working.
Rita Farr has shown zero signs of aging since 1955.
We already have a perfectly good test subject.
Now we'll have two.
Where's the line, Niles?
'Cause I can't see it anymore.
The only thing that should trouble you, Joshua,
is the alternative.
Except I don't know what the alternative is.
The only way I sleep at night is because...
you tell me nothing.
You're right. And you're welcome.
Oh, God.
- Good morning, Larry. - Apparently it is.
I've been looking forward to this day all semester.
My students are finally performing their scene studies,
and I can't wait to see how they utilize
the techniques that I've taught them.
I suspect I'll be handing out a lot of A's.
Uh-huh.
It feels so good to give back to the community.
We should've done this ages ago.
- What? - Move on.
Six months ago we learned our lives had been destroyed
by a madman. Excuse me if it takes
more than a moment to get back my sea legs.
When we moved into this place,
we made a promise to each other.
- I know, but... - No more hiding.
I know.
- I'm trying. - Mmm.
Okay.
What do you think?
You wanna try for 20 seconds this time?
Negative Spirit, release!
Huh.
There you go, buddy.
We can do this.
We can...
Hit the bricks, sister. We're... we're done. Finito.
You don't mean that, Kyle.
I know you better than you know yourself.
You wanna pick me up in those strong arms.
Cut. Cut.
Jagger, Esme,
you failed to move your audience.
We didn't feel it because you didn't feel it.
Mmm? Let me show what it looks like
when you really connect to your character.
And... action!
Hit the bricks, sister.
We're done. Finito.
You don't mean that, Kyle. Hmm?
I know you better than you know yourself.
You wanna pick me up in these strong arms
and devour me whole.
And scene.
And that, children,
is what serious dedication to your craft gets you.
Being a shitty high school drama teacher?
Wow. Dare to dream.
It's scary not to excel
at something we aspire to do, isn't it, Esme?
I'm not excelling?
I can't think of anything sadder
than some washed-up never-was
who gets their jollies off out-acting a bunch of teenagers
who only took this class for the easy A.
Larry!
Hurry up! You're missing the booty song.
Do either of you two want to buy Marvin Gardens?
Honestly, I could use the cash.
Hmm. Larry! This is absolutely unacceptable!
1976 is ending,
and you're stalling like some truculent schoolboy.
Uh, now, I believe it's your turn.
Ugh, I look ridiculous.
No.
Now, then, Rita,
that's not fair.
Oh, yeah, sure. Laugh it up.
All right. Keep playing.
And don't cheat.
- He's talking to you. - Uh-huh.
Forsythe.
What the hell are you doing here?
Wonderful home, Dr. Caulder.
And a happy New Year's Eve.
You need to leave.
Oh.
I'm afraid the matter at hand is rather urgent.
What is it?
You know,
when the brass told me in '68 I'd be losing Captain Trainor
to your Immortus Initiative,
I have to say, I couldn't have imagined
his new assignment would be quite so...
cozy.
Mmm. Well, you have your methods, I have mine.
The work we do here is just as essential.
Yes.
I can see that now.
What is that song?
My daughter likes that one.
Cut the bullshit, Agent.
What's that?
Well, I believe you once called it
the "unrelenting,
uncompromising pursuit of truth."
Your signature is required, Doctor.
Our investigators have identified
your next test subject.
What are you talking about? I... I never...
That request was made over a decade ago.
And now we've found her.
Hispanic female, multiple personality disorder.
By all accounts, a real wildcat.
I think you'll agree
she fits perfectly the profile you asked us to find.
Jane.
- Did you know? - About what?
About what that sadistic fuck did to us, you fucking...
No, no, no.
He promised!
Jane.
Hey, it's okay.
He was going to cage us here.
Cage us like the rest of them.
Wasn't he?
Singing caged birdies
with pretty feathers for the master to pluck!
It's okay.
Just tell me. Please.
I knew.
I can give you the spiel, but...
the truth is, I was blind.
Willfully blind.
You need to make it go away.
- I know it's difficult... - You don't know.
I keep having this dream.
I find a wound on my chest.
This old wound that's scabbed over.
And I know I shouldn't touch it,
but I keep reaching for it,
and I can't help but scratch.
And the wound gets bigger and bigger
until there's nothing of me left.
There's a drug.
An opiate.
For meta-human powers.
Niles created it.
Gave it to me for safe keeping,
so he wouldn't be tempted.
It's not a fix or a cure.
It calms the noise, it makes it more manageable,
but it doesn't discriminate.
Jane, it quiets everything.
The good and the bad.
In order to use it safely,
we'd have to stick to a strict regimen.
I have to monitor your dosage, vitals...
I'm sorry, Kay.
It's okay.
It feels better now.
- Niles? - Huh?
Elinore? Elinore.
Thank you for coming.
This...
He's my last research subject.
He was a race car driver.
Father.
Husband.
I'm afraid all that...
This is hitting me the hardest of all.
The crash was supposed to be on the racetrack.
No one else was to get hurt.
No one what? What does that mean, he was "supposed to"?
How would you know...
that a man is supposed to crash?
It's all gone too far.
It's all gone too far, Elinore.
I used to think I had no alternative.
That there wasn't an alternative, but it's...
gone too far.
Niles...
I love you...
as a mentor and a friend.
And you are scaring
the ever-loving fuck out of me right now.
I need to tell you something.
And I need you to promise
when it's finished
that you'll still be my friend.
Cliff! Your order's up.
Yo!
You know how much I cared for Elinore.
She would have wanted it this way.
For Victor to survive.
There's some comfort in that.
Cold comfort.
But thank you.
If I may...
one piece of advice.
If there's one thing I've learned from my research,
Victor is going to need special care.
No offense,
but we are not talking
about homeschooling my son's recovery here.
S.T.A.R. Labs has it covered.
I'm not talking about technology or facilities.
There's a holistic component to be considered.
Patience. Empathy.
And I'm not capable of giving it.
Is that what you're saying?
No, I'm... I just suggest...
You might be surprised
just how much of a tonic compassion can be.
And exactly who do you think you're fooling here?
Hmm? You talk about compassion? Empathy?
Like you invented it?
I'm...
I was her husband.
And you don't think she told me what you did?
You think you have any standing to lecture me about family?
I just put my son back together.
My son!
And you think that you and I are the same?
You think what you did...
and what I did are the same?
This wasn't some experiment.
I turned my...
sweet, affable, athletic,
charming, delicious boy
into a freak of nature.
I did it out of love.
Why the hell did you do it, Niles?
To those people?
You speak to me about compassion?
Don't ever.
Don't you dare.
Who are you?
Me?
I'm you.
Hey, Dad.
You okay, son?
Fine. Um...
Just been up all night working that bitcoin ring.
Well, you know, if that cybercrime is
too dry for you, you can always go back out into the field.
My time's better spent taking down
international money launderers than two-bit purse-snatchers.
- Don't you think? - Um, of course.
Either way,
I'm proud of you.
I hope you know that.
Sure.
Look, I gotta get back to it.
Is there any sweeter feeling than revenge?
That's an excellent question, Whoopi, and...
I don't think that there is.
And the only thing that I'm more sure of
is that it will never, ever, ever go away!
"A convoluted, meandering plot that ends in a whimper.
An impotent villain
with a cliche approach to revenge"!
You know what, he's right.
He's totally right!
He's... he's totally right.
At long last, I have found you!
No!
Be still, you fudger! Be still, I say!
Did you just call me a "fudger"?
Silence, recreant! For this is my time.
I have waited centuries
for the rapture foretold in the scripture.
Twice you have brought us to its brink,
and twice you have failed.
Explain yourself! I demand it!
Well, I was going for more of a personal tale
of vengeance and betrayal. You know...
emotional stakes.
Real premium cable shit.
So, you're not an agent of the Lord?
No, there is no God.
If there was, I wouldn't be so devoid of purpose.
Oh, a crisis of faith!
This is why Father has led me to you,
to set you back on the path to His glory!
Path to glory? Oh, I like the sound of that.
- To His glory. - Yeah, that's what I said.
To glory.
Oh, but it's no use!
I have already completed my life's masterwork
by turning everyone Niles Caulder loves against him.
There isn't a person alive that he can call friend.
No man, no woman...
Woman.
I want the truth.
Where is she?
It seems as though I left some vengeance on the table.
I really gotta amp things up this time, really make a show of force!
You need guys?
I know a rat who spent an entire afternoon
exacting revenge on the robot who killed his mother.
Admiral Whiskers?
I love that guy.
This is a splendid start. Who else?
Hmm. You know what?
Let's start small. A trinity.
Hmm. Hmm, I like it.
I like it. A menage-a-us.
And we shall call ourselves The Brotherhood of Dangerous Animals!
Hosanna!
Yes. It is tight, Admiral Whiskers.
Yes! And vengeance will be mine!
Again. For real this time.
And when we get Niles Caulder... again,
the world will be ours!
Then we shall destroy it!
Maybe.
If there's time.
Morning, dear.
We hit 20 seconds yesterday.
At least, I think we did.
I passed out at some point. But it felt longer.
Bully for you.
Rough day at school?
I was emotionally assassinated by a 13-year-old girl.
I'm not even sure what we're doing here, Larry.
We're doing exactly what we were doing back at the manor,
just getting by.
That's not enough for me. Not anymore.
There has to be more to life than just this.
- Neighbors? - Moved last week.
Do you think Old Man Arnold can hear it?
Hear what?
Nothing! Have a nice day now.
Eat shit, ginger!
- Disembodied singing. - Never a good sign.
Although, we could follow it. See where it leads.
It's not like we have much to lose.
No, just our lives.
But, hey, we're living on stolen time anyway,
so why not take it for granted and dive headlong into shark-infested waters
that will undoubtedly lead us back to the man
who permanently disfigured us
and lied to us about it for decades?
We're the ones who don't get involved. Remember?
No more hiding.
Kay...
Stay here.
Sweet, sweet baby... Baby...
Who's there?
No, Kay. Don't forget.
You can't forget.
I'll get her, Jane.
Don't worry.
Kay...
Come here, monkey.
Sweet, sweet baby... Baby...
I know you think this is how it has to be,
but this isn't healing, Jane.
Forgetting and hiding isn't healing.
You have to go up.
I can't.
We're safer here.
We're happy, aren't we?
What the fuck!
- Uh... Hi. Uh... - What the fuck?
You're the one who's been bringing me cold food this whole time?
For months?
Um...
Well, yeah, when I'm not busy. I'm busy a lot, you know.
There just happens to be a food truck where I'm busy most, and I, um...
I mean, it's not like I could eat any of it.
Thanks.
Might be a little soggy.
I tripped. Manhole just came out of...
Do you hear that music too?
All morning.
You, uh...
You wanna go fuck up whoever's playing it?
Fuck, yeah!
So, my timing might be shit here,
but I, for one, am grateful a disembodied Chumbawamba
has brought us all back together.
Can I just say there better be a good fucking reason why we're here?
And it better be to turn off that fucking song.
Because honestly, I'd rather stick sharks in my vagina
than be in the same zip code as you.
It's Mr. Nobody. He's kidnapped Danny.
- So, rescue Danny. - I can't.
I need your help.
A long time ago, I had a daughter.
She's extraordinary and everything to me,
and I'm afraid...
she is a danger to all of us.
All I ever wanted was to live one day longer than she did,
to protect her.
To protect others.
That's why I created each one of you.
I need to study any means possible of extending my own life.
So, we were lab rats. Just like Mr. Nobody said.
Yes, at first. I can't deny that.
Okay, I'm sorry, but invoking your daughter now,
it's fucking evil.
It's the truth.
I hid her for years on Danny,
who graciously accepted to be her caretaker.
Somehow,
Mr. Nobody
has found out about her,
and he's trapped them both inside this painting.
Please.
She's all I've got left.
Tell you what. I'll help you with your daughter
as soon as you invent a time machine
that gets me back the 30 years I lost with mine.
Till then, fuck you forever!
And Danny? You're just gonna turn your back on them?
Even though they had no part in this?
I'm sorry, what part of "fuck you forever" was in Hebrew?
I'll do it.
For Danny. Even your daughter.
Not for you.
Wait! You're doing this?
Niles Caulder, you're an awful,
vermin-infested, garbage... person.
But so help me, I'm going into that painting too.
I was terrible as a human being,
and even worse as an acting teacher.
The only time I don't feel like a complete asshole
is when I'm dealing with...
whatever you would call this foolishness.
Larry.
Does my opinion even matter?
Cliff.
Great! Now I'm the fucking asshole who's a fucking asshole
if I don't walk into the fucking painting.
Of course I'm gonna fucking walk into the fucking painting,
because, let's be honest,
who the fuck else is enough of a fucking asshole to walk into a fucking painting?
Let's go!
Okay, so get into the painting... somehow,
and then rescue Danny and your daughter somehow.
Getting in is gonna be the easy part.
It's the getting out that's gonna be tricky.
Why? What do we have to do?
I don't know. That's why it's gonna be tricky.
Ah. Okay.
So, what do we do? Just stare at this thing?
Keep staring. Keep staring.
Where is everyone?
Danny, you okay? What's going...
Uh, can't see. All right.
Danny, what about her?
She safe?
Uh... Guys?
What the hell is that?
Now comes your reckoning!
Oh, God.
Behold! I am His right hand.
His scythe! Use me, Father!
I am your disciple, your fifth horseman!
Take cover!
Shit! Shit!
Shit!
Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
I'm so sorry, Danny boy!
Oh, my God. Danny was right. You came.
I'm so happy to see you guys.
Man, what the hell are you doing?
I fucked up. I fucked up.
I fucked up so hard.
I was happy here, you know.
This guy shows up, Mr. Nobody, offering me
bags of Lincoln, da Vinci, ZZ Top.
Their beards tasted so good.
And I told him...
I told him everything.
You sold her out.
What did you do?
What did I do?
I mean, sure, I trapped Danny in this goddamn painting
before realizing that it would turn me into this...
this husk!
All I wanted to do
was to meet that Cro-Magnon squeeze of yours,
and lo and behold, all that remains
is an adorable, almighty chip off the old block.
If you so much as harmed a hair on her head...
She enlarged those two backstabbing vermin!
Have you ever tried talking sense to a pest
while he enjoys his very own re-enactment of a Kaiju movie?
It is impossible!
Shut up! Look, we need a plan.
Look, we were the only people in this whole entire world
who got Danny's SOS and followed it here.
We're standing inside the heart of a sentient street,
inside a magic painting with a giant-ass cockroach,
a guy who hunts beards, and...
And an inter-dimensional fuck-up.
If anybody's gonna save Danny
and the Chief's daughter, it's gonna be us.
Fine. What's this plan?
This way. Quickly!
She's in the Doll Hospital, down the stairs.
That wasn't so bad.
Maybe the giant roach found a giant turd to chow down on
and forgot all about us.
It's the roach, isn't it?
Oh, fuck my life!
Jane, run!
The fuck!
Come and get it, asshole!
Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
No. Find my daughter.
The Doll Hospital. Go.
I was supposed to be the villain
of this shitty piece.
I was bested by a little girl,
and thrown out of my own criminal organization
by a rat and a roach.
Me...
The big bad. The black hat.
You can't make this shit up!
Yesterday, a 13-year-old girl told me to fuck my face with a weed-whacker.
Congratulations.
We both suck.
That's one way to tell the story.
It's the truth.
It's the past.
The future is still yours for the making.
Why? What's the point?
I know what it's like to be a nobody.
But as bad as that felt, I'd rather be nobody than nothing.
And that is exactly what you're going to be
if you don't quit feeling sorry for yourself.
You don't give a shit about me.
You're only saying all of this to save your own tuchus.
That is... 100% true.
But think about it this way,
if you give up now, your story is a forgettable,
disappointing defeat,
but if you take up your narration once again,
you can turn your tale into something beloved by all,
told and retold time after time.
A comeback.
What do you want me to do?
There he stood,
anointed with purpose. Ezekiel!
Born of the most Herculean and timeless of creatures.
Father, is that you?
No.
Ezekiel realized that it wasn't God, it couldn't be,
because he was God all along.
- Huh? - For who else was more powerful than the cockroach?
Who else could survive mass extinctions, plagues, and nuclear explosions?
No one!
Only I, only Ezekiel.
And if he wanted Armageddon,
he would have to manifest Revelations himself!
Yes! I am ready!
Now was the time for the meek to inherit the Earth.
It was time for the meek to devour it.
Devour?
Ugh. Three o'clock. Behind the BMW.
Why, a god would not be sated on scraps of guano alone.
Ezekiel had a new appetite.
He desired to eat...
...the world.
Yes!
Now having tasted the great Cyborg,
Ezekiel's craving for power grew.
I am become God!
Destroyer of worlds!
Of all the stupid ways I expected to die,
getting eaten by a Godzilla-rat never made the list.
I don't know. Maybe I deserve this.
I was a shitty dad and a worse husband.
Uh, let's see, what else?
Okay, yeah. But those two other things, they aren't that bad.
I mean, lots of people suck at relationships and parenting.
Doesn't mean they're sucky people, does it?
Because if I had another chance with Clara,
I know I'd do so much better.
So, why shouldn't I get a second chance?
Why do I deserve to be slowly digested by a giant fucking rodent?
'Cause I don't think I do. I don't fucking deserve this!
Maybe nobody does.
I do not deserve this shit.
I do not deserve this shit!
Okay, you heard Vic's plan.
You're gonna find us a way out of here. I know you are.
Negative Spirit, release!
Hello?
I'm Jane.
Niles sent me to come get you.
Good job.
Looks like I'm up.
Just as soon as everyone's inside the giant cockroach.
Rita!
I know you better than you know yourself, Ezekiel.
You wanna pick me up in those strong arms and devour me whole.
Oh, God. This is gonna be worse than the donkey, isn't it?
I get it.
I have a friend, Baby Doll.
She's like us.
She gets scared too.
And your dad used to sing her this song
that always made her feel better.
Not even a hawk?
With its loud and mighty squawk?
Come, dear.
Shall we go see what the inside of a cockroach looks like?
Wait, wait, Cliff. What about Cliff?
Oh, shit. Cliff.
I do not deserve this shit!
Ugh. Gross.
Um, okay.
Okay, I'm just vamping here.
Then...
Then Ezekiel noticed Whiskers.
I mean, he really noticed him.
Why, he had been so busy
becoming the architect of the Apocalypse and all,
that he had failed to see what was right before his eyes,
but there he was.
Ezekiel's right hand in the destruction of this loathsome world.
Another meek and forgotten creature.
It was as if a soul had been split in two,
and they were finding their way back together again.
The yearning was palpable.
It was intoxicating.
Really? Oh, Whiskers!
It was in that moment that Ezekiel lost all other appetite,
he hungered for one thing
and one thing only,
and that was...
rat-a-tushie.
Oh! Gotta make it into the cockroach.
Gotta make it into the cockroach.
Oh, God! Oh, fuck me!
Now knowing that his greatest fear was also his greatest power,
Larry knew it was time to rip through this impenetrable dimension.
All of the pieces were clicking into place.
The story's riveting end was finally upon us.
So, the cockroach eats them to protect them from the radiation,
I get that. But what happens to us?
Oh, shi...
Miscreants! Dissenters!
Did they think they could destroy me?
Nay, the Apocalypse is my bedfellow.
Nuclear radiation, a mere gentle kiss upon my back.
I cannot die for I am death!
I am the beginning, the end, the...
Everybody okay?
Nothing that an hour-long shower
and a whiskey on the rocks won't fix.
- Is that... - Yes.
It's all right, darling.
Everyone...
this is my daughter, Dorothy.
Dorothy Spinner.
Uh, guys...
I'm gonna suggest maybe we deal with the issue at hand here,
and then meet the world's most powerful little girl.
What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding me!